All language subtitles for Kidding.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[man with goofy voice]
Previously on Kidding...

[Jeff] Go, go, go!

I found out what the P
in "P-Hound" stands for.

Now every time I see
the letter P,

I think of the word "pussy."

We are losing control of him.

We need versions of him
we can control.

[Seb] This is the drawer
of letters from women.

This one's from Akron.

You know, it's only
two hours away.

Give her a call.
Buy her some cheesecake.

Married.

In six weeks,
I'm gonna be dead.

[gasping]
Aah!

speaking Spanish

speaking Spanish

♪ bright synth music ♪

♪♪♪

This job is hard.

This job's the easiest shit
I've done

my whole fucking life.

No, pickles make me sad now.

I see pickles, I see
that dead Pickle boy

on the road.

I see his family suffering.

I see pickles,
I see tears.

[scoffs]

Why you fucking do that?

Now I see it, too.

Fuck, Sheila.

Ruining pickles and shit.

Fuck you, Sheila.

♪♪♪

Murderer!

♪♪♪

Thank you
for a lovely evening.

[car door closes]

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪♪

Why do you feel guilty?

[Jeff] I like you.

I like Vivian.

I don't like having feelings
for two people.

- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.

I don't feel bad.
I feel incredible.

I feel like I've discovered
the South Pole.

I don't want you
to feel bad.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're never gonna
not be important to me.

You're never gonna
not be important to me.

Well, I think it's great, too.

Just the other night,
I was thinking to myself,

"Are there any ladies
that I know

who would be a good match
for Jeff?"

And... literally nobody
came to mind.

Thanks, Giant P.

- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it?

I'm not hurt.
I'm not upset.

I'm offering you many...

blessings
and much good luck here

on your new relationship.

Don't worry.
It's just temporary.

It doesn't have
to be temporary.

It does.

♪ waltz music ♪

What does that mean?

[door closes]

[cell phone beeping]

♪♪♪

[woman speaking indistinctly
over PA]

Hello? Rex?

I have a piano question.

♪♪♪

I see your car!

♪♪♪

Are you gonna put it
under your pillow this time

or hide it
from the Tooth Fairy?

- I don't hide them.
- [door opens]

I lose them sometimes.

- Uh-huh.
- [door closes]

Hey, Dad.

I lost my tooth
in my breakfast panini.

I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.

- [Scott] It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt?

Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.

I need fluids.

I can't go to work today
or tomorrow, maybe ever.

I do not want to be
a corporate travel agent.

Why am I a corporate
travel agent?

Are you crying?

It's the flu.

I'll make soup.

Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.

♪ I'll put up
no resistance ♪

♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪

♪ I've got an itch
to scratch ♪

♪ I need assistance ♪

♪ Touch-a ♪

I'm waiting
for a text message.

Mm.

[Jeff]
♪ I wanna be dirty ♪

How much longer
do you think we have?

- As a species?
- Mm...

until the roof caves in.

- [groans softly]
- Till there's no this anymore.

Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.

It all depends on him.

Could be weeks.
Could be months.

I can't predict the future,
and I'm not good

at guessing weight
from a distance,

but if you get close to him,

you can hear the air hissing
out of the balloon.

And what do I do, then?

You're gonna be home
alone all day

with your family--

that screaming
banshee child--

and let's face it,

that marriage that has always
had one foot

on a pile of red ants.

Fuck you, red ants!
Scott's the love of my life.

And Maddy--she lost a tooth
this morning,

and I was like,
"Put it under your pillow,"

And I cannot wait
to get home later

and find her tooth
under her pillow.

Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.

Nobody wants to act like one.

Do me a favor

and picture your brother
as a mascot

to your favorite
Chinese softball team, huh?

Would he look like this?

That's traumatizing.

- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.

It's Jeff's head
for the Ice Capades.

I outsourced it to Vietnam.

It's shitty.
You can do better.

I can't replace Jeff
with a Styrofoam head

and then look him in the eye
over osso buco.

Welcome to the world
of exciting internal conflict.

Build me a Jeff, please.

I know this is gonna come
as a surprise to you,

but I'm not gonna be around
much longer.

My father died at 68.

I'm on borrowed time.

I'd like all this
to be yours someday.

Since when?

If not you, who?

But if we want to keep
this shop open,

first, we need to build
another Jeff...

on ice.

The original is out to sea.

♪ whimsical music ♪

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Hurt who?

Jill, Will... anyone.

I mean, this, for example.

[Jeff] What if a kid
watched this,

put a barrel on,
attached a bedsheet to it,

and tried to parachute
over Niagara Falls?

Chances would not be good.

We've been using that same
visually arresting sequence

to transition you
from the real world

to Pickle Barrel Falls
for 30 years.

And no child
has ever tried this?

I promise you,
we would've heard.

Mm.

Why are you questioning
this now?

Shaina, from Akron.

We shared the cheesecake.

A moment from this show
saved her life.

If that's true,
one moment from this show

could take a life,
if we're not careful.

It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.

- Do I have texts?
- I don't know.

That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.

You want to change
something?

Upgrade your gizmos.

How'd things go
with Shaina from Akron?

- We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.

[exhales sharply]
I met someone else, though.

Really?
On the same night?

Her name is Vivian.

I love that name.
She sounds gorgeous.

- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.

That's fine,
as long as she's not

selling Do-Si-Dos
outside the Kroger.

- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.

And the doctors give her
about six weeks.

Hmm.

♪ whimsical music ♪

[woman]
Where you off to, Jimmy?

Pickle Barrel Falls.

[woman]
Okay, honey, have fun.

Bye, Mom.

♪♪♪

Here we go!

[dog barks]

[Ennui sputtering]

What are you trying to do,
Ennui La Triste?

Because my tongue is cheese,
I cannot whistle!

[cries]
Quel fromage.

Come on, you stale breadstick.

Whistling is easy.

[bubbling]

Mm, never mind.

Ennui, in my experience,

everyone has
a little tune in their heart,

and if you listen closely,

it always finds a way out.

[smacks lips]

[whistling]

♪♪♪

Now you try.

[whistling]

♪♪♪

[all whistling]

And then I loved her
in the pussy.

Wow.

[chuckles]
I know.

I tried texting her,
but there's no response.

Didn't you say
she was terminally ill?

No, that's just the opinion
of three doctors.

Her attitude would suggest

an entirely different
prognosis.

But what do I know?
I'm not three doctors.

What can you do, Jeff?

I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.

Maybe your phone's broken.

That's why
she hasn't responded.

- Did you think of that?
- That's it.

You're probably right.

- [Deirdre] Mm-hmm.
- Ah.

What a dopey-dope.

- Ha!
- [chuckles]

- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.

You asked when it all ends.

- I--
- Six weeks.

When the cancer lady
he's falling for bites it,

that's when he pops.

Not a lot of time, but we can
get the ice show on its feet

and rush the doll
for Christmas.

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

Will.

You back here?

I could use
some technical support.

[coughing]

Whoa, it's you.

Your pineapple is smoking.

Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.

It's practically made
the apple bong obsolete.

Plus, when you're done,
you can chop it up and eat it,

get you manganese.

Have you seen my son?

[Bong Dude] Just because
I've seen him in a place

doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?

Meaning, he could've left
that place.

Well, could you point
to where you saw him last?

[Bong Dude] Narc-ing
on an acquaintance

would violate every principle
I hold dear.

Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people

when you were a sniper
for the CIA?

[chuckles]
What did you say?

The Dark Web
knows all secrets, man.

You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.

♪ suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

Truth is, I wouldn't know
the first thing

about lining up
an innocent man's peach pit

from 1,000 yards out...

pink misting him
through his kitchen window.

I've never been
to Lebanon or Iran,

never known the thrill
of sipping

the Shah's contraband tequila

from the cold navel
of my 100th kill.

Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity

it would take
to draw an imaginary line

between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.

Never done those things.

♪ martial music ♪

I could never
take a man's life.

♪ suspenseful music ♪

But I've heard
it's as easy

as popping a pimple.

♪♪♪

I think Will's
over there, man.

Thanks for your help.

You're a good helper.

[Will] All right,
pick a card, any card.

- Should I show you?
- No.

Don't--don't show me.

Now, uh, sign the
Bicycle side of the card.

Will?

Could you come with me
to the phone store?

This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.

So you--you think
your phone is broken

because this woman
you just met didn't respond?

We spent
a whole night together.

We told each other things
you can never tell a stranger.

- We made love.
- Oh.

Um...

There's something wrong
with this.

[light music playing
over speakers]

Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh...

it looks okay to me.

Could you take in the back
just to make sure?

I'd feel better.

Sure. Sure.

Uh, just...

Yeah, which account
is this phone registered under?

I have your name associated
with two plans--

one ending in 4356,
another in 7864.

- Yeah, the first one.
- Okay.

We will get
to the bottom of this.

- Great.
- Okay.

Okay.

Hey...

do you think that maybe
I could get a, uh...

a new phone, one with a, uh,
alphanumeric keyboard?

What do you need that for?

Whose, uh--whose phone number
ends in 7864?

What?

He, uh--he said
that you have two numbers.

[sighs]

The other number
belongs to a man

who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,

so I pay for some
of his necessities,

like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.

How did he get hurt?

He was driving the truck
that hit you and Phil that day.

♪♪♪

Don't you hate that guy?

Hate doesn't punish
who you think it does.

[man]
Well, I had our...

best technicians take a look,

and there doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with the phone.

Uh...

Mm, that's unfortunate.

Um, look,
Mr. Pickles...

here's the thing.

Can I tell you what I think
really happened?

I-I don't think
that your phone is broken.

I think that, uh, it's hers
that's broken,

and that's why
she's not responding.

[chuckles]
That makes sense.

I knew there was a reason
I brought you.

[chuckles]
He's the family computer whiz.

[chuckles]
Yeah, that's...

Uh, so is there anything else
I can help you with?

Just that.

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪♪

[Scott] Once upon a time,
there was a swing in a branch

and a big, fat marshmallow.

[Maddy] Why does the cat
only eat marshmallows, Dad?

Why do you think?
Turn the page.

[laughs]

[laughing]
I only see the cat!

[Maddy]
The kitty's so dismay-ded,

but there's a marshmallow,
and the kitty's like...

♪♪♪

I'm sick.

So breathe that way.

I'm not sleeping
on the fold-out.

No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I need...

Oh, God, I've pictured having
this conversation

since I was 13,

and now I don't know
how to start it.

But...

...a word that's...

defined me for a while
has been...

...confusion.

[sighs]

[cries]

[crying] Even ten words in,
it already feels

so cathartic...

[sighs]
...to open up...

about what I'm trying
to say, baby.

[sniffles]

♪ quiet orchestral music ♪

In the deepest part
of myself...

♪♪♪

...I've always--

Name a happy child
of divorce.

♪♪♪

What?

Name one happy child
of divorce.

Can I finish
what I'm trying to say?

Oh...

the Tooth Fairy
needs to find her wand.

♪♪♪

[door opens]

♪♪♪

[whispering]
Where do your teeth go?

♪♪♪

Hi, Mom.

[raspy voice]
I'm Mr. Chompers.

Jesus! Fuck!

And I eat dreams.
Nom! Nom!

Nom...

♪ spacey melancholy music ♪

♪♪♪

I'm sorry.

I don't even know
how to talk to you anymore,

but I want you to know that...

I do it all the time
in my head,

so it feels like I talk to you
more than I do.

♪ dark music ♪

I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.

Am I?

Or not enough?

♪♪♪

I used to be so good
at putting myself

between you and...

anything that tried
to hurt you, but...

I couldn't...

I couldn't put myself
between you and what happened.

I...

I couldn't stop...

you losing everything.

♪♪♪

And...

I don't know how
to protect you anymore,

and maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe that's how I help.

♪♪♪

Have you ever seen
the movie Robocop?

Maybe?

It's about a police officer

who dies
in the line of duty.

His buddies rebuild him
like a robot

so they can control him,

but he just gets...

way more violent.

♪♪♪

[knock at door]

Just a sec.

[sighs]

Hi.

I didn't know
you were coming.

Welcome to my...
home away from home.

[door closes]

What happened here?

Um...

a lamp got broken.

And you're sleeping
on a futon?

Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.

It's Spartan,
but it's everything I need.

Where does Will sleep?

Oh, I have
an inflatable mattress.

He thinks it's like
a water bed, only with air.

You could be in a suite
at the Four Seasons, Jeff.

I'm happy here.

What you don't see
are the memories.

My first apartment...

short stroll
right across campus.

Before I say
what I'm going to say,

you should know
that your son was very touched

by what you did.

[inhales deeply]
I didn't expect that.

We raised a good boy.

But the guilt that I felt

for wanting a sixth pair
of shoes...

Who said
you couldn't have shoes?

...or a car
that's just fun...

- It's a lot of shoes.
- ...and fast to drive...

You want another car?
Get another car.

- ...or for hating the man...
- Get six cars--

one for every day
of the week.

...who drove a snack truck
into our family,

and meanwhile, you are writing
checks for his rent,

his utility bills?

You're paying
his garbage pickup?

He has a daughter.

Someday she's gonna have
to go to college.

[crying]
We had a son,

and he will never go
to college!

Denny hurt his back
in the accident.

- Denny?
- He walks with a cane now.

Of course you're
on a first-name basis with him!

Did you not think
how giving that man money

would make me feel?

He can't drive anymore.

Workmen's compensation
won't cover the cost

of a single-parent household.

Someone has
to look out for him.

We weren't the only ones
who lost something.

We're the only ones
that matter.

I devoted an entire show
to Phil's death...

- [sighs]
- ...an honest show.

They're gonna air it soon.

I don't watch
Puppet Time anymore.

Watching it makes me
want to swallow my tongue.

You shouldn't blame that man
for what happened.

I don't blame him.

I hate him.

I blame myself
for what happened.

It was an accident--

a stray burst of electrons
through a stoplight.

- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.

He's not the bad guy.

Neither are you, Jill.

- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.

Next to you, I am the bad guy.

I always am.

No, you're a wonderful person,
and I miss you

- more than anything.
- Don't.

[sobbing]

Oh, I loved you, Jeff,

but...

...after the accident,
when all the cards arrived...

they were all addressed
to you.

They were meant
for both of us.

You're Santa.

I'm Mrs. Claus.

Santa brings joy.

Mrs. Claus brings...

kibble to the reindeer.

Well, I don't live
on the North Pole anymore.

[sniffles]
I live in reality now.

It's not as colorful, but...

I see the world
how it really is.

The world
is a perfect circle...

of endless possibilities.

It's not a circle.

It's a hole.

♪ disquieting
percussive music ♪

♪♪♪

That truck driver...

♪♪♪

He didn't hurt his back
in the accident.

Maybe he told you he did,

but that is called a lie.

He just wants
your money.

He's stealing from you,

and teaching Will
a magic trick

isn't gonna get him
to stop smoking pot.

And when you screw a woman
you just met

and she doesn't call you back,

it's not 'cause her phone
is broken.

It's 'cause
she doesn't like you!

I'm sorry,
but this is where we live.

Please, join us.

♪♪♪

[door closes]

[sniffles]

♪♪♪

[rumbling]

♪♪♪

[cell phone plays
"Shave and a Haircut"]

♪♪♪

[chuckles]

♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪

♪♪♪

♪ soft music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪

♪♪♪

♪ soft music continues ♪

♪♪♪

Is it the... queen of hearts?

♪♪♪

[sighs]

No way!

[laughs]

♪ whistling jaunty tune ♪

♪♪♪

Mom?

♪♪♪

[dog barks]

♪ soft music continues ♪

Isn't it amazing, Gertie?

♪♪♪

♪ Adrian Younge's
"Stranger by the Sea" ♪

♪♪♪

♪ A stranger landed
from the sea ♪

♪ I welcomed him
to come to me ♪

♪♪♪

♪ We touched
but he swam back to sea ♪

♪ He saw the cold and misery ♪

♪ He sails the seven oceans ♪

♪ Exploring his emotions ♪