All language subtitles for ed dd wooooo

Greetings, my friend.

You are interested in the unknown,

the mysterious, the unexplainable.

That is why you are here.

And now, for the first time,

we are bringing you the full story
of what happened.

We are giving you all the evidence

based only on the secret testimony
of the miserable souls

who survived this terrifying ordeal.

The incidents, places.

My friend, we cannot keep this
a secret any longer.

Can your heart stand the shocking facts

of the true story

of Edward D. Wood, Jr.?

It's 8:15.
We can't hold the curtain any longer.

Cripes, what am I gonna tell the cast?
It's press night and there's no press!

- Do you believe in ghosts?
- Nah, Tommy.

That's just kiddie spook stories.

Once you're dead, you stay dead.

I don't know, Bill.

Out on that battlefield today,
I saw this woman dressed in white

floating above the dunes.

Maybe it was just fatigue or maybe
it's the indignities of war.

Or maybe it's somethin' else.

Hey, I think I see somethin'.

I offer you mortals the bird of peace

so that you may change your ways

and end this destruction.

What a show! Everyone was terrific.

Paul, your second act monologue
actually gave me the chills.

Oh, thanks, Eddie.

I got the early edition,
hot off the presses!

This is the big moment.

Oh, what does that old queen know?

She didn't even show.

Sent her copy boy to do the dirty work.

- Screw you, Miss Crowley.
- Do I really have a face like a horse?

What does "ostentatious" mean?

Hey, it's not that bad. You can't
concentrate on the negative.

Look, he's got some
nice things to say here.

"The soldiers' costumes
are very realistic." That's positive!

- Rave of the century.
- Well, I've seen a lot worse reviews.

I've seen reviews where they didn't
even mention the costumes.

Like that last Francis the Mule picture.
It got terrible notices.

- Huge hit!
- Lines around the block.

That's right. Don't take it too seriously.
We're all doing great work.

- Do you really think so?
- Absolutely.

Honey, what if I'm wrong?

- What if I just don't got it?
- Ed, it was only one review.

Orson Welles was only 26
when he made Citizen Kane.

I'm already 30.

Ed, you're still young.

This is the time in your life when
you're supposed to be struggling.

I know. But I'm scared it's not going
to get any better than this.

Oh, I hate having to
wake up this early.

Gosh, where's my pink sweater?

I can never seem to find
my clothes anymore.

Hey, big shot! Get off your ass and get
this over to the executive building.

- Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz.
- Hey, Charlie, come here.

What did I tell ya about watering these
plants, eh? I want some water on 'em!

Don't sprinkle the damn things!
Soak 'em!

Hi.

All right, people, settle.
And action!

Wow! Look at these camels!

These are real camels!

- Gosh, where'd they get real camels?
- Hey, you!

Move it outta here, huh?

Hey, Eddie! Come in here.
I got some great new stuff to show you.

This is fantastic.
What are you gonna do with it?

Probably file it away
and never see it again.

Ah, it's such a waste.

Why, if I had half the chance,

I could make an entire movie
using this stock footage.

The story opens on these
mysterious explosions.

Nobody knows what's causing them,
but it's upsetting all the buffalo.

So the military are called in
to solve the mystery.

You forgot the octopus.

No, no. I'm saving that
for my big underwater climax.

Hello.

They say he was a girl
trapped in a man's body.

- I bet it hurt when they cut his thing off.
- Ugh!

What are you ladies
gabbin' about?

You know that
Christine Jorgensen freak?

- It's...
- He... She... in Variety.

Some producer's makin' a biopic.

Really? I didn't read that story.

Yes, I've got
Mr. Edward Wood on the line.

Could you please hold?

Mr. Weiss? Ed Wood here.

Listen, I heard about your new project

and I was curious
if you'd signed a director yet.

Oh, you haven't!

Well, if we could get together,
I could explain to you

why I'm more qualified to direct
this than anyone else in town.

Well, I'd rather not
go into that over the phone.

All right. Great!

I'll see you then. Bye!

Eddie, I don't understand.

Why are you the most qualified director
for the Christine Jorgensen story?

Oh, it's just hogwash, hon.
I had to get into the door somehow.

No, I love you like a brother.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
That's a falsehood!

Come in!

Look, when I said
you could have the western territories,

I didn't mean all 11 states!

I meant California, Oregon,
and what's that one on top?

Washington, yeah, yeah!

Oh, really?

Well, screw you!

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes. I'm Ed Wood.

I'm here about directing
the Christine Jorgensen picture.

Well, a couple of things have changed.

It ain't gonna be the
Christine Jorgensen story no more.

Goddamn Variety had to print
the story before I got the rights.

- Now that bitch is asking for the sky.
- Ah, you're not gonna make the movie.

No, of course
I'm gonna make the picture.

I already presold
Alabama and Oklahoma.

Those repressed Okies, they go for
that twisted, perverted stuff.

We'll just do it without the she-male.
We'll fictionalize it.

- Is there a script?
- Fuck no. But, there's a poster.

It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.

Well, Mr. Weiss, look no further.
I'm your man.

I work fast and I'm a deal.
I write and direct. And I'm good.

I just did a play in Hollywood

and Victor Crowley himself
praised its realism.

There's about 500 guys in this town
that can say the same thing.

On the phone you said you had
some special qualifications?

Mr. Weiss

I have never told anyone

what I'm about to tell you.

But I really want this job.

I like to dress in women's clothing.

You're a fruit?

No, not at all. I love women.

Wearing their clothes
makes me feel closer to them.

- You're not a fruit.
- No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII.

Of course, I was wearing women's
undergarments under my uniform.

Ya got to be kidding me.

Confidentially, I even paratrooped
wearing a brassiere and panties.

I tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed,
but I was terrified of getting wounded

and having the medics
discover my secret.

So you think
this qualifies you to make my movie?

Yes!

I know what it's like
to live with a secret

and worry about what people
are gonna think of ya.

My girlfriend still doesn't know why
her sweaters are always stretched out.

Ed, you seem like a nice kid.
Look around you.

I don't hire directors with burning
desires to tell their stories.

I make movies like Chained Girls.

I need someone with experience

who can shoot a film in four days
and make me a profit.

I'm sorry. That's all that matters.

Can I get you anything else, kid?

Too constrictive!
I can't even fold my arms.

Gee, Mr. Lugosi,
I've never had any complaints.

This is the most uncomfortable coffin
I've ever been in.

Your selection is quite shoddy.
You're wasting my time!

Mr. Lugosi?

I told you I don't want
any of your goddamn coffins!

No, no! I don't work here.

- Then who are you? What do you want?
- I don't want anything.

I'm just a really big, big fan.
I've seen all your movies.

Mr. Lugosi,
why are you buying a coffin?

I'm planning on dying soon.

- No!
- Yes!

I'm embarking on another
bus and truck tour of Dracula.

Twelve cities in 10 days,
if that's conceivable.

Do you know that I saw you perform
Dracula in Poughkeepsie in 1938?

That was a terrible production.

- Renfield was a drunk!
- I thought it was great.

You know, you're much scarier
in real life than you are in the movie.

Thank you.

I even waited outside to get your
autograph, but you never came out.

Well, I apologize. When I play Dracula,
I put myself into a trance.

It takes me much time to reemerge.

Oh, there's my bus.
Shit, where is my transfer?

- Say, don't you have a car?
- I refuse to drive in this country.

Too many madmen.

I've got a car.

Boy, Mr. Lugosi,
you must lead such an exciting life.

- When is your next picture coming out?
- I have no next picture.

You gotta be jokin'.

A great star like you,
you must have dozens of 'em lined up.

Back in the old days, yes.

But now,
no one gives two fucks for Bela.

- But you're a big star.
- No more.

I haven't worked in four years.

This business, this town,
it chews you up, then spits you out.

I'm just an ex-bogeyman. Make a right.

They don't want
the classic horror films anymore.

Today, it's all giant bugs.

Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers.

Who would believe such nonsense?

The old ones were much spookier,
they had castles and full moons.

They were mythic.

- They had a poetry to them.
- Yes.

And you know what else? The women...

The women prefer
the traditional monsters.

The women. Huh.

The pure horror,
it both repels and attracts them.

Because in their
collective unconsciousness,

they have the agony of childbirth.

The blood... The blood is horror.

You know, I never thought of that.

Take my word for it.

If you want to make out
with a young lady

you take her to see Dracula.

Eh, what a mess.

My wife of 20 years left me last month.

I'm not much of a housekeeper.

All right, I'm coming.
I'll feed you, my darlings.

I'd better get going.

But perhaps we could get together
again some time, Mr. Lugosi.

Certainly.

But now, the children of
the night are calling me.

Uh...

- Good day.
- Good day.

Sweetie, you won't believe it.
I've got incredible news.

- You got the job!
- No, I didn't get the job.

- But something better happened.
- Better than not getting the job.

Yes! I met a movie star.

- Somebody really big.
- Who? Robert Taylor?

No. A horror movie star.

- Boris Karloff?
- Close.

The other one.

You met Basil Rathbone!

Oh, to heck with you.
I met Bela Lugosi.

- Why, I thought he was dead.
- No, he's very much alive.

Well,

sort of.

He's old and frail, but he's still
Bela Lugosi and he's really nice.

I can't even remember the last time
I saw him in a picture.

It's a shame.

He's such a great actor
and no one uses him anymore.

- So, did you get his autograph?
- No, it wasn't like that at all.

It was just the two of us and we were
talking. He treated me like a friend.

- Yeah, well, he's a bum.
- No, he's not.

Do you have any idea how much money
he made for this studio?

Dracula, The Black Cat, The Raven.

Yeah? Well, now he's a junkie.
He don't deserve to work.

- That is not true!
- He's so great, you hire him.

Yeah, well, I would if I could.

Trick or treat!

The house looks like
they have lots of kids.

Ooh, those eyes.
He gives me the willies.

Uh, I hate it when
she interrupts the picture.

She doesn't show 'em
the proper respect.

I think she's a honey.

Look at those jugs.

But he stood me up at the restaurant.

I guess I shouldn't have
picked a steak house.

And then I went out with the Wolf Man.
Ugh! What an evening.

I didn't know whether
to kiss him good night...

Vampira, you will come under my spell.

You will be my slave of love.

My gosh, Bela! How do you do that?

You must be double-jointed.

And you must be Hungarian.

Vampira, look at me.

Look into my eyes.

You're watching our Halloween movie,
White Zombie

starring Bela Lugosi,
John Harron, Madge Bellamy,

and a bunch of other people
I've never heard of.

I'm very tired.

I need to take my medicine.

- Do you want me to get it for you?
- No.

Thank you, Eddie. I'll be all right.

on, shit.

I feel much better!

Children! I love children!

Trick or treat!

Aren't you scared, little boy?

I'm going to drink your blood.

You're not a real vampire.

Those teeth don't frighten me.

How about these?

Hey, how'd you do that?

Dentures. Lost my pearlies in the war.

So, what was the important news you
couldn't tell me on the phone, again?

I started thinking about
what you were saying

about how your movies
need to make a profit.

What is the one thing, if you put it
in a movie, it'll be successful?

- Tits.
- No, better than that. A star.

Kid, you must have me
confused with David Selznick.

I don't make major motion pictures,
I make crap.

Yes! But if you take that crap and put
a star in it, then you've got something.

- Yeah. Crap with a star.
- No, something better!

Something impressive.

Maybe the biggest money-maker
you've ever had.

Fine, all right.

You may be right,
but it doesn't frickin' matter.

I can't afford a star,
so what are we even talkin' about?

All right. What if I told you
you could have a star for $1,000?

Who?

- Lugosi?
- Yes! Lugosi!

Isn't he dead?

No, he's not dead.
He lives in Baldwin Hills.

I met him recently and he really wants
to be in our movie.

Why would Lugosi want
to do a sex change flick?

Because he's my friend!

All right, fine! You can direct it.

I want a script in three days.
We start shooting a week from Monday.

Mr. Weiss, thank you so much. You
won't regret it. I won't let you down.

But, Bunny, you're perfect for this job.
You know these people.

I need all the transsexuals
and transvestites I can get.

No, I don't care if they're not actors.
I want realism!

I want this film to tell the truth.

Coming!

I've waited all my life for this shot,
and I'm not gonna blow it.

- Eddie, you got a new movie for me, eh?
- Yes!

It's gonna be a great picture and you'll
love your character. Have a seat.

Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go.

Listen, hit the bars, work some parties,
and get me transvestites!

I need transvestites! All right. Bye.

Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?

Well, it's about how people
have two personalities:

the side they show to the world, and
then the secret person they hide inside.

Like Jekyll and Hyde.

I've always wanted
to play Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm looking forward to this production.

Well, your part's a little different.

You're like the god that looks over

all the characters
and oversees everything.

I don't understand.

You control everyone's fate.
You're like the puppet master.

- Ah, so I pull the strings!
- Yes, you pull the strings.

"Pull the strings." I like that!

Honey!

I got a little surprise for you.

Wipe off your hands.

- I finished my script.
- Oh!

Ed, I'm so proud of you!

I'll read it as soon as I get home.

Well, I'd really like
to know what you think.

Why don't you go in the bedroom
and take a look? I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Take your time.

So that's where my sweater's been.

How long have you been doing this?

Since I was a kid.

My mom wanted a girl, so she
used to dress me in girlie clothing.

Just became a habit.

Jesus Christ! And you never told me?

Well, this is my way of telling you.

What, by putting it in a fucking script
for everyone to see?

What kind of sick mind
operates like that?

And what about this,
this so-called Barbara character

that's obviously me?

I mean, this is our life.
It's so embarrassing!

Of course it is.
That's why you should play the part.

Oh, you got nerve, buddy.

- It's a darn good role.
- That's not the issue!

God, how can you act so casual
when you're dressed like that?

It makes me feel comfortable.

Oh, just like in the script.

Exactly.

So, what do you say?

Do we break up?

Or do you want to make
the movie with me?

They make you tall, and you're flashy.
They want that.

Okay. But they want professionalism,
so nix on the Nelly

without losing naiveté, okay?

Now, the good news is

you're probably going to get hired
because you look like Peggy Lee.

But I don't want anybody else
to resent that, okay? Please?

'Cause there's enough
for everybody, exotics, too.

All right, because if you're not going
to smile, please don't bother.

You'll embarrass me.

This is George Weiss.

He's done some very important things,
he's a nice person to know.

I thought you were gonna make
a sex change film!

- It's still a sex change film.
- Yeah! Five pages before it ends!

The rest is about some schmuck
who likes angora sweaters!

I don't think he's a schmuck.

What about this title? My poster says,
I Changed My Sex.

So change the poster.

Trust me, you'll be better off.
This story's gonna grab people.

It's about this guy, he's crazy about
this girl, but he likes to wear dresses.

Should he tell her? Should he not
tell her? He's torn. This is drama!

Fine! Shoot whatever baloney you want.

Just make sure it's seven reels long.

Testing.

Excuse me. Can I get
everyone's attention, please?

Could you gather around?

I've got something to say.

Everybody, we're about to embark on
quite a journey: four days of hard work.

But when it's over, we'll have a picture
that'll entertain, enlighten

and maybe even move
millions of people.

Excuse me, Eddie. I don't mean to
interrupt. I'm worried about the light.

Good thinking. All right, we'll talk
about days three and four later.

Let's get that first shot off. Scene 17,
Glenda looking in the window.

And action!

And cut!

Print that! Let's move on!

Don't you want a second take
for protection?

What's to protect?
It was perfect! Come on!

Hey! Cops!

We don't have a permit. Run!

Come on. Let's go.

What's going on
with these revised pages?

Mr. Lugosi's here.

Oh, my God! Mr. Lugosi's here!

Everyone! Everyone!

Everyone, come on. Come in here.

Listen.

When he walks onto the stage,
treat him normal.

I know Bela Lugosi's a world-famous
star and you're all very excited

but look, we are professionals.

So, just treat him with respect.
Everything will be all right.

Bela!

Great to see ya!
8:00 on the dot. Right on time.

- I'm always on time.
- Of course you are.

We've got a big day
planned for you.

But first we're gonna start out

kinda easy with you
in that armchair over there.

Then once you're up to speed
and cookin',

we'll reset
and bring in the lab equipment.

- Eddie?
- Huh?

- What about my money?
- Huh? Oh.

What are you people doing?
Get back to work!

All right, people. Let's get ready.

Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy

but, can I have your autograph?

Certainly.

You know which movie of yours I love,
Mr. Lugosi? The Invisible Ray.

You were great as Karloff's sidekick.

Karloff?

Sidekick?

Fuck you!

Karloff does not deserve
to smell my shit!

That limey cocksucker
can rot in hell for all I care!

What happened?

How dare that asshole
bring up Karloff?

You think it takes talent
to play Frankenstein?

It's all make-up and grunting.

I agree. Bela, I agree 100%.

Now, Dracula, that's a role
that requires talent.

Of course! Dracula requires presence.

It's all in the eyes and the voice

- and the hand.
- That's right. That's right.

You seem a little agitated. You wanna
go outside and get some air?

Bullshit! I'm ready now.
Roll the camera!

We're rolling.

- Sound. Speed.
- Scene 97, take one. Mark.

Action.

Beware.

Beware.

Beware of the big, green dragon

that sits on your doorstep.

He eats little boys,

Puppy dog tails,

and big, fat snails.

Beware.

Take care.

Beware.

Wait!

Pull the string! Pull the string!

Cut.

Perfect.

But Georgie, I'm proud.
I wrote, directed and starred in it

just like Orson Welles did
in Citizen Kane.

Yeah, well, Orson Welles didn't
wear angora sweaters, did he?

How can you just walk around like that
in front of all these people?

Well, hon, nobody's bothered but you.
Look around.

Ed, this isn't the real world!

You've surrounded yourself
with a bunch of weirdoes.

Oh, say it a little louder.
I don't think Bela heard you.

Dolores.

I need your help.

My mind's in a muddle,
like in a thick fog.

I thought I could stop
wearing these things.

I tried. Honestly, I tried.

Glen.

I don't fully understand

but maybe together
we can work this out.

Music swells. Cut and print!

It's a wrap.

How do you do?
I'm here to see Mr. Feldman.

What's your name?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.

He's in the executive building.

- You can park in the reserved section.
- Thanks very much.

- Please, sit down.
- Thanks.

So, what are you bringing me?
Looks like you got some film cans.

Well, some people bring their resumes.
I've brought my own movie.

Really. Well, good for you.

I just shot this baby for
Screen Classics. It opens next week.

Screen Classics?
No, I don't know them.

There's something you should know.

Nobody in town has seen this picture,

so I'm giving you
first crack at my talents.

Thank you.

And I'm anxious to see it.

So, what's up next for you?

I don't believe in thinking small,

so I've got
a whole slate of pictures for you.

You ready? Okay.

The Vampire's Tomb.

The Ghoul Goes West.

And

Doctor Acula.

Doctor Acula?
I don't get it.

Doctor

Racula.

Oh, I get it.

I don't like it.

But it'll star Bela Lugosi.

Bela Lugosi? Lugosi's
all washed-up. What else you got?

Well, I do have another project.

I wasn't going to tell you about it.

Lugosi's in it, but it's a small part.

The lead is an ingénue.

A sterling, young actress,
Dolores Fuller.

The title of the film:

Bride Of The Atom!

Ah.

Atomic age stuff, huh?

I like it. I like it.

I tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't
you leave your film cans with me.

And my associates and I will
take a look at your little opus

and maybe we can do
some business together.

Take care. Beware.

Pull the string! Pull the string!

What the hell is this?

- Is this an actual movie?
- It can't be!

Give this man satin
undies, a dress, sweater and skirt,

or even the lounging outfit he has on

and he's the happiest human being
in the world.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That guy in the dress.

That's the guy I met today.

Oh, this has got to be a put-on.

These things are his comfort.

This is probably another
one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes.

He just entered the street dressed

in the clothes
he so much desires to wear.

But, only if he really appears female:

long hair, make-up, clothing,
the actual contours of a girl.

Oh, God!

Most transvestites do not want
to change their life, their bodies.

This is funny. This is funny.

Thank you.

Georgie, I thought Glen Or Glenda?

Was opening this week.
Where's the ads?

Where's the ads?

The ads are in Alabama, Indiana,
Missouri, you schmuck!

It ain't gonna play in L.A.!

- Why not?
- Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!

Hey, you can't talk that way
about my movie!

I wish it was your movie!

I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever
made into making this stink bomb!

And if I ever see ya again,
I'll kill ya!

Hello?

Georgie?

- Guess where I'm going next week?
- I don't know. Where?

Mexico.

- Guess what I'm doing when I get there.
- I don't know. Lie on a beach.

Wrong. I'm getting my first series
of hormone injections.

When those girls kick in

they're gonna take out my organs
and make me a woman.

Are you serious?

It's something I've wanted to do
for a long time.

But it wasn't until I saw your movie
that I realized I have to take action!

- Goodbye, penis!
- Would you please keep it down.

The "Super Swedish Angel,"
Tor Johnson!

My gosh, look at that guy.
He's a mountain!

And after I'm a woman, Jean-Claude
and I are going to be married.

- I'm going to be a June bride.
- He's a monster.

Can you imagine what that guy
would look like in a movie?

Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

Mmm. More neck.

Mr. Johnson,
congratulations on your victory.

Thank you.

- Did you bring my water?
- No, I'm not the water boy.

I'm a movie director.

- Movies? Like the Mickey Mouse?
- Sure.

- I'll get you next week!
- Yeah, right. In your dreams!

Tor... Uh, Mr. Johnson.

You ever fancy the notion
of becoming an actor?

Not good-looking enough.

Well, I think you're quite handsome.

Do my toes.

So, anyway, I've got this new script,
Bride Of The Atom.

And there's a part
I believe you're ideal for.

Lobo. He's tough, he's a brute.

But he's got a good heart. At the end
of the picture, he saves the girl.

I like!
When do movie shoot?

Hopefully, very soon.

I'm just waiting for the final okay from
my good pal at Warners, Mr. Feldman.

- Wood Productions.
- Eddie, help me.

- Bela?
- Eddie, please come over.

Bela?

Bela?

Bela!

Bela!

Bela? What happened?

Eddie.

I didn't feel well.

Come on,
let me get you to the hospital.

No hospital.

Just take me to the couch.

- Should I call a doctor?
- No.

This happens all the time.

Is there anything I can get for you?
Water or a blanket?

Goulash.

I don't know how to make goulash.

Bela, what's in the needle?

Morphine.

With a Demerol chaser.

Oh, Eddie. Eddie, I'm so broke.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Don't worry, Bela.

I won't let you down.

Mr. Feldman? Ed Wood.

Yeah, listen, I haven't been able
to get through, so I just showed up.

Yeah! Right out front.

So, we gonna be working together?

Really? Worst film you ever saw.

Well, my next one will be better.

Hello. Hello.

I'm no good.

Oh, Ed, it was just one man's opinion.

Bela needs a job.
I can't even get a film going.

Of course I can't.
I made the worst movie of all time.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

All I wanna do is tell stories.

The things that I find interesting.

Well, maybe you're not
studio kind of material.

Maybe you just need
to raise the money yourself.

The movie is called Bride Of The Atom.

It will star Bela Lugosi.

There are quarter shares
available at $15,000 each.

Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi.

He's still alive.

Huh? Is he available Friday night?

Well, gee, I suppose so. Why?

"Greetings, I am the Count."

"Greetings, I am Slick Slomopavitz,
Seeker of Adventure.

"Audience laughs, applauds.
'Say, that's a kooky place to sleep."'

- "It is my home."
- "Oh, tract housing, huh? Laugh."

"You need a new real estate agent."

"I beg to differ.

"This casket incap... incarpertate..."

No, Bela, that's "incorporates."

Look, why don't you just say,
"This casket has..."

How do they expect a Hungarian
to pronounce this dialogue?

This live television is madness!

Furthermore, I predict

by April 19, 1970,

I predict men will have colonized Mars.

Millions of people will live there.

Wow! Ain't that somethin'?

And now we take you
to a castle in Transylvania.

Watch out. The landlord's
a real pain in the neck.

Greetings! I am the Count!

Greetings, pal! I'm Slick Slomopavitz,
Seeker of Adventure!

Hey, what a kooky place to sleep.

Kind of reminds me of my house.
What a dump!

Some places got a Murphy bed,
this place got a Murphy shower.

I still don't know where
to hang the towels.

I beg to differ.

Beg to differ? A bloodsucker, right?
I'm talkin' about my towels.

Greetings! I am the Count.

Damn!

A bum is what he is.
I told you we should've got Karloff!

Ah, don't worry about it, Bela.
You're better than all this.

I never said I could ad-lib.

Forget it! We'll make our own movie
and you'll be a big star again.

Aha!

Mr. Lugosi, it is an unparalleled
privilege to meet you, sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Criswell.

It's a pleasure.

Ah, cheer up. Don't lose heart
over what happened tonight.

I predict your next project will
be an outstanding success!

Wow!

And who may you be?

- Edward D. Wood, Jr.
- Ah!

- The director of Glen Or Glenda?
- How'd you know?

I am Criswell. I know all.

And bingo! Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.

Ed, another whiskey.

Dagmar, a rum and coke?

Moustapha and King are Chablis.

Bela, would you like a wine?

No. I never drink wine.

Say, Cris, how'd you know we'd be
living on Mars by 1970?

- I guessed.
- Really?

I made it up.

It's horse shit.

Eddie, there's no such thing
as a psychic.

People believe my folderol
because I wear a black tuxedo.

- It's that easy?
- Eddie, we're in show biz.

It's all about razzle-dazzle,
appearances.

If you look good and you talk well,
people will swallow anything.

We are going to have the most terrifying
monster ever seen on film.

A ghastly creature created
from an atomic mutation!

I don't like scary movies.

I like the ones with love stories.

That's just what this movie is:
a heartbreaking romance.

You're quite a specimen.

- And you're going to be in the picture?
- Yeah. I play Lobo.

I predict Bride Of The Atom will be
the biggest moneymaker of all time.

And this is lovely starlet Dolores
Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.

My pleasure, ma'am.
Now, how much will this picture cost?

Well, in a normal studio it'd be
about a million bucks

with all their wasteful overhead
and fancy offices.

But we're more efficient, so we could
bring it in at about 70 grand.

Oh.
Well, I shall certainly consider it.

- Well, goodbye.
- Good night, Ed. Keep in touch.

Goodbye.

Well, Eddie, how'd we do?

We didn't make a nickel.

I cannot believe
I'm in Hollywood.

You know, Daddy didn't
want me to move out here.

Uh-huh.

Ma'am, your bill comes to $2.20.

Oh. Uh, okay.
I hope you don't mind

but all I have is a fifty.
I just came from my banker's.

- That's all right.
- Thank you.

Excuse me. You just moved here?

Yes. Hollywood is, oh, so exciting.

Isn't it?

Pleased to make your acquaintance.
I'm Loretta King.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.

Hi.
Would you like some water?

No!

No water. No liquids.

I'm terribly allergic to them.

You know, I work in Hollywood.
I'm a producer.

Really? Wow!

I would love to be involved in that.

Is that right?
Well, maybe I can help you out.

Have you ever thought about
investing in a motion picture?

Perhaps a small amount of money.

How much
do your motion pictures cost?

Well, my new one, I think,
would be about $60,000.

That's all? That seems very reasonable
for an entire picture.

Would you like to

- have a look at the photoplay?
- Oh, sure.

Oh, my.

This is very interesting.

Say, do you think it would be possible

for me to maybe
play one of these parts?

Oh, you want to be an actress, too.
Well, of course.

There's a couple of parts I can think of
right now that you might be perfect for.

There's the secretary in the
newspaper office, the file clerk...

Hmm. Those sound kind of small.

Here's one that looks good,
Janet Lawton.

I'd sure like to play her.

- Janet Lawton.
- Yes.

Janet Lawton is clearly
the part to play.

Can't you just see me in the part?

Yes!

You'd be perfect.

You bastard!

You two-timing,
dress-wearing son of a bitch!

Honey, it was the only way
I could get the movie made!

Who do you think's
been paying the rent?

Who's been helping you type
your scripts and do all your grunt work?

I am sorry!
What did you want me to say?

You were supposed to say,

"No. I wrote that part for
my girlfriend Dolores!"

Snowball, there are
plenty of other parts.

Like what?

- The secretary, the file clerk.
- Aaaaah!

You asshole!

This is gonna be Bela's laboratory,
so it should be real impressive

just like one of those
"Mad Scientist" movies.

I want test tubes, beakers and one
of those electrical things that buzzes.

- You mean a Tesla coil?
- Fine. Whatever. Hop to it!

Right! Right.

- Eddie?
- Yes?

- Which dress do you like better?
- Hmm. I don't know.

Say, Bill, which dress works better
for you, the red one or the green one?

- Which one is the red one?
- What do you mean?

I mean, I can't see the difference,
I'm color blind.

But I kinda like the dark gray one.

At Universal, we used to shoot
one or two scenes a day.

But Eddie can knock off 20, 30.

- He's incredible!
- And action!

Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff

and you're upset.

You've worked very hard
on this experiment

and you don't want to see it fail.

No, you're not that upset.

You wanna keep moving.
You wanna go through that door.

And cut! Beautiful.

Print it. Let's move immediately
to scene 52.

- Tor, you in place?
- Yeah.

- Great. Roll camera!
- Rolling. Slate.

Cue rainstorm.

And action, Tor.

Okay. You're Lobo.

You're upset.

You've worked very hard helping
Dr. Vornoff with this experiment.

You don't wanna see it fail.

No, no. You're not that upset.

You wanna keep moving.
You've got to get through that door.

And cut! Perfect!

- Print it. Let's move on.
- Don't you wanna do another take, Ed?

Looks like big baldy had a little
trouble gettin' through the door.

No, it's fine. It's real.

You know, in actuality, Lobo would have
to struggle with that problem every day.

All right, people, let's get ready.
Actors! I must have my actors!

There you are.

Loretta, Tor, I wanna explain this scene,
it's a little complicated, but...

Bela, you'll be sitting there. Okay?

I'm not getting near
that goddamn thing.

One of them burned me
on The Return Of Chandu.

All right.

- Then you'll be sitting there.
- Good.

Great. All right, gang,
here's the scene.

Loretta, you're in a trance, you glide
in and get on the operating table.

Now, Tor, you're supposed to tie her
down, but you have an angora fetish

and when you rub that swatch
of angora, it makes you refuse.

So then Bela has to discipline you.
All right? Great! Let's do it!

Action!

Strap her to the table.

Do as I command you!

I'll teach you to disobey me!

- You will obey!
- Uhhhh!

- Strap her in!
- Uhhhh!

Strap her in! I command you!

- Wood! Your check bounced.
- I'll get you the money later.

- No, I need it now.
- I'll teach you to disobey me!

Cut!

I am terribly sorry to bother you
while you're shooting

but the guy that owns the stage
needs his money.

Well, then, you should
pay him, shouldn't you?

Yes. Exactly.

I kind of need it now.

What are you looking at me
like that for?

I already gave you my three hundred.

Right.

And now I need
the other sixty thousand.

What other sixty thousand?

The other sixty thousand
you said you'd give to me.

You misunderstood, Eddie.

I gave you everything I have in
the world, three hundred dollars.

Well, here we go again.

Let me tell ya, ya can't lose.

It's scary. And if you don't like that,
it's romantic.

Bela Lugosi will portray
Dr. Eric Vornoff.

And lovely, lovely, lovely
ingénue Loretta King

is reporter Janet Lawton.

- I don't know. Lugosi looks pretty old.
- Huh?

Which role does Vampira play?

Vampira? Why do you ask?

She's standing right over there.

Well, she plays...

Excuse me one minute.

Pardon me. Miss Vampira?

- Yes?
- You don't know me, but I'm Ed Wood.

I'm a film producer and I'm currently in
production on a science fiction piece

with Bela Lugosi
and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson.

I don't understand.
Do you want my autograph?

No.

No, I think my film is perfect for you.

You want me to show it
on my TV programme.

I have nothing to do with that.

You should call the station manager
at Channel 7.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

I don't want you to show the movie,
I want you to be in it. Let me explain.

We started shooting, but after
three days we got shut down.

Now we're having a backers party
to raise some more money.

So I thought perhaps
you'd like to come over

just to say "howdy"
to some of the backers.

Look, I'm with some friends
and we're about to eat.

Please! It would just take one second.

Come over and meet the backers.

There is a really nice dentist
from Oxnard.

Look, buddy, I've got real offers
from real studios.

I don't need to blow some dentist
for a part. Forget it.

Miss Vampira!

- Please.
- Oh! Let's go.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
Let's get out of here.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Thank you, folks, for comin' tonight,
but we better go.

And then Dr. Vornoff
falls into the pit

and his own octopus
attacks and eats him.

- The end.
- Whew!

- Well, that's quite a story.
- Yes.

So, uh, you made the movie

and now you wanna make it again?

No.

We shot 10 minutes of the movie, and
now we're looking for completion funds.

Oh, son, you're too vague.

Billy Bob!

You're cuttin' 'em too lean.

Mr. McCoy.

How can I make you happy?

Okay.

Two things.

Number one: I want the movie
to end with a big explosion.

Sky full of smoke.

Yes.

But it ends with Dr. Vornoff
falling into the pit.

Not anymore.

Number two:

I got a son.

He's a little slow, but a good boy.

And somethin' tells me
he'd make a helluva leadin' man.

Sounds perfect.

This is unbelievable.

I woulda bet a million bucks that
Ed wouldn't finish this picture.

Yeah, well, it ain't finished yet, kid.
Anything can happen.

Stay out of scratching distance.

Poodle, you made it.
I wasn't sure you got my message.

Well, of course I made it.

- Today's the file clerk's big scene.
- That's right.

I see the usual gang of misfits
and dope addicts are here.

- Janet, I want you...
- Say, who's the lug?

I want you staying away
from the old Willows place.

Why, that's Tony McCoy. He will be
portraying Lieutenant Dick Craig.

Really.

- How much money did he put up?
- None. But his dad gave me 5O grand.

Hmm. Wood Productions,
the mark of quality.

Listen, the movie's getting made,
that's all that matters.

- Hello, Harry.
- Oh, hi, Dolores.

Oh! You're Dolores.

I've heard so much about you.

I'm Loretta King.
Oh, here, take the chair.

Oh, don't be silly. Let Harry finish.

You still need some more work.

No. I'm finished.

- All I needed was a touch-up.
- Hmm. That mole still shows.

Uh, ladies! You both look fine.

Why don't we talk about the scene?

Okay, Janet Lawton has just discovered

that Dr. Vornoff bought
the old Willows estate

so now she wants to prove that
all the monster stories are true.

Well, Eddie, what's my motivation?

You're the file clerk. You're running
into the next room and bump into Janet.

What is our relationship?

Are we good friends,
or is she just a casual acquaintance?

Dolores, I have five days
to complete this picture.

Don't get goofy on me.

Action!

- Hi, Janet.
- Oh, hi, Marge.

- Janet, still on the monster hunt?
- What do you think?

I think the boss has been
looking for you all day.

Something about the police wanting
those monster stories 86'd.

- You've got the whole town in a panic.
- I can't hear you.

I said, you've got the who...

I know what you said,
but I can't hear you.

I get it. See ya later.

And cut! That was perfect.

Of course it was.

Bravo! Bravo!

- Magnifico.
- Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.

Naturally. Always happy to help
with a little larceny.

All right, everybody,
that's it for today.

The prop crew has a little errand
to run. Paul. Connie.

Darn. I thought they kept this open.

Lobo will fix.

Good boy.

- Wow!
- This place...

- Let's get the hell outta here.
- Not so fast. Not 'til we get it down.

There it is. Paul, go unhook it.

Right.

Fantastic.

It's beautiful.

- You sure this is gonna work?
- Yes.

You sure?

Yes, hurry. Do it.

My God!

We killed him.

Tor?

Better than wrestling.

Lights!

"Now, Janet, I want you stayin' away

"from that old Willows place.
I want...

"Now, Janet, I..."

- Great.
- "I want you..."

- Connie!
- "I want you staying away..."

- The octopus has to live in the lake.
- This is kind of a stream.

No! It has to be underwater.

Let me look at this. Okay.

Go set up by the lake.

Eddie. I'm so tired.

I don't know if I can handle
a night shoot.

Nonsense. You look great.

All right, look.

Why don't you have a nice nap and we'll
shoot around you for a little while.

- Thanks, buddy.
- You're welcome.

All right, you kids.

Hey, this is looking fantastic!

Paul, where's the octopus motor?

- What octopus motor?
- To make his legs move.

Don't blame me!

You didn't say anything about a
motor when I was on the ceiling!

What's he talking...

Paul lost the octopus motor.

All right, let's shoot this fucker.

Great.

Where do I go?

- You'll be fighting with the octopus.
- Out there?

- Yes.
- What happened to the stream?

Well, this is gonna look a lot better.

We have to match it to the stock footage
of the octopus underwater.

Aw, for Christ's sake.

Ehh.

- Goddamn, it's cold!
- It'll warm up once you're in it.

Fuck you! You come out here!

Hey! Throw me that whiskey!

Ah. How do you turn this on?

Well, somebody misplaced
the octopus motor

so when you get in there and fight
with him, shake his legs around.

Looks like he's killin' ya.
Okay.

You know I turned down Frankenstein?

- What?
- After I did Dracula

the studio offered me Frankenstein,
but I turned it down.

Part wasn't sexy enough.

Too degrading for a big star like me.

Bela, I have 25 scenes
to shoot tonight.

Oh. Sorry. Don't let me slow you down.

Okay. All right.

All right.

All right, let's put it on film!

- Camera!
- We're rolling!

- Sound!
- Ed, we don't have sound.

Oh.

And action!

And cut!

That was perfect!

Come on! Come on, troops!

Have a nice cup o' joe,
you'll feel much better.

All right. All right, Harry.

Mr. Wood? I only got one hour
of sleep last night.

Yeah, well, I got no sleep, and I feel
great. Go get' em, kid, go get 'em.

- I'm gettin' too old for this.
- Great work, Bill.

Go ahead. Go get 'em.

Be careful. Don't hurt him.

Don't scratch the tentacles.

Bela,

I wanna thank you again for last night.

That's fine, Eddie.
All in the line of duty.

No, no, I want you to know how much
I appreciate all you've done for me.

A great man like yourself

shouldn't have to be wandering
through the muck at 4:00 a.m.

Well, there are not a lot of fellas
I'd do it for.

Say, I wrote something special for ya.

I got to thinkin' about all
the sacrifices you've made and I...

Well, I wrote you a...

A new final speech.

Well, this is quite a scene, Eddie.

I know it's a lot to give you
at the last minute, Bela, but...

These lines...

I'll have no problem remembering.

Great.

All right, kids, let's knock 'em dead.

My dear Professor Strowski,

twenty years ago I was banned
from my homeland.

I was classed as a madman,
a charlatan.

Outlawed in the world of science

which previously
honored me as a genius.

Now here

in this forsaken jungle hell,

I have proven that I am all right!

Yes!

The authorities have learned
how correct your findings were.

So I am here

to bring you home.

Home?

I have no home.

Hunted.

Despised.

Living like an animal.

The jungle is my home.

But I shall show the world

that I can be its master!

I shall perfect my own race of people,

a race of atomic supermen

that will conquer the world!

Cut.

That's a wrap.

Glen Or Glenda?
Now, that was a hell of a picture.

Yeah, but this new one is gonna be
a million times better.

Is that possible?

Mr. Bunny, what's wrong?

I heard you were becoming a lady.

Oh, that.

Mexico

was

a nightmare.

We got into a car accident,
he was killed.

Our luggage

was stolen.

The surgeon turned out to be

a quack.

If it hadn't been for these men,

I don't know

how I would've

survived.

Oh, wow!

You people are insane!

You're wasting your lives making shit!

Nobody cares!
These movies are terrible!

Dolores!

Ed, it's over. I need a normal life.

- Did you really mean those things you...
- I'm tired of living like this.

But, Poodle...

I just stuck it out
so you could finish your movie

and now that it's done, so am I.

Ooh, that was
so scary, it gave me goose bumps.

No, dummy, I didn't say "goose,"
I said ”goose bumps."

Well, be sure to join me next week
for The Mummy's Curse.

Until then, pleasant nightmares.

Okay, folks, we're off the air.

That was a good show.

God, this show needs better jokes.

- You got a phone call.
- Who is it?

I don't know.

- Hello.
- Vampira? Ed Wood here.

- Who?
- Ed Wood.

Remember,
I met you at the Brown Derby?

Oh, yeah, you.

Listen, I was wondering
if you'd like to

go out sometime,
grab some dinner maybe.

You mean a date?
I thought you were a fag.

No, I'm just a transvestite.

So, how's about Friday night?

Look, you seem like a nice guy,
but you're just not my type.

But keep in touch. Let me know
when your movie opens.

Hello?

Eddie, help me.

Bela?

Bela.

Bela!

What do you want?

You called me. Remember?

What are you doing, Bela?

I'm going to kill myself.

My gosh, what happened?

Eddie.

I got a letter from the government.

They're canceling my

unemployment.

It's all I've got.

Without it, I can't pay the rent.

Don't you have any savings?

Eddie, I'm obsolete.

I have nothing to live for.

Tonight, I shall die.

Eddie!

You should come with me.

- I don't think that's such a good idea.
- It's a wonderful idea.

It'll be wonderful! We'll be at peace!

In the afterlife, you don't have
to worry about finding work.

Bela,

I'm on your side.

Gimme the gun.

If you give me the gun

I'll make you a drink.

What are you drinking, Bela?

Formaldehyde.

Straight up, or on the rocks?

Eddie.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry, Bela.

- I'm sorry, Eddie.
- Everything will be okay.

Oh, my goodness,
you gave me the willies!

You look like that Dracula guy.

My name is Bela Lugosi

and I wish to commit myself.

For what reason?

I have been a drug
addict for 20 years.

I need help.

Is that angora?

Um, yes.

Don't you think angora
has a tactile sensuality

lacking in all other clothing?

Yeah, I suppose.

It is awfully expensive.

Well, it's made from
specially-bred rabbits

that live in the Himalayas.

Say, what are you,
an angora wholesaler?

No.

I'm in pictures.

I'm a director, writer,
actor and producer.

Aw, come on. Nobody does all that.

Oh, yes, they do. Two people.

Orson Welles and me.

Wow.

- Whatcha makin'?
- Booties. For my father.

- Gets cold in the hospital.
- Mmm.

- Has he been here long?
- This is my thirteenth pair.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Doctor.

I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he?

Well, there's a lot of junk in
his system for such an old man.

Apparently he was
addicted to morphine.

He tried to kick that and he got
readdicted to methadone.

- Is he gonna be okay?
- We'll do our best.

- Hi, Lillian.
- Hi, Ed. He's got a lot of visitors today.

- He does?
- Mmm-hmm.

Smile. That's it!

- Hey! Hey!
- One more picture, sir?

Do the doctors say
you're gonna get outta here?

Freaks!

Get outta here! Get outta here!

What is wrong with you people?
Come on, trash barrel!

Hey!

Bela, what happened?

Eddie, why did you chase them?

After all these years, the press is
finally interested again in Bela Lugosi.

Bela,

those people are parasites,
they just wanna exploit you.

Fine. Let them.

There is no such thing
as bad press, Eddie.

Man from New York even said
he's putting me on the front page.

First celebrity ever to check into rehab.

When I get out of here

I will be healthy,

strong.

Primed for my comeback...

Hello again.

- Hi.
- You look beat.

No, I'm fine. How's your father?

Better. Thank you for asking.
And your friend?

Not good.

Well, I made him some booties
to cheer him up.

They're black, to match his cape.

Say, have you always
lived in Los Angeles?

No, I'm from back east.
Poughkeepsie.

You know, all-American small town,
everybody knows everybody,

my dad worked for the post office,
I was a Boy Scout.

- Did you find it boring?
- No, not at all.

I had my comic books
and pulp magazines.

Used to listen to
radio dramas constantly.

I love those shows.

- The Shadow, Inner Sanctum.
- Yes.

And The Mercury Theater
with Orson Welles.

Mmm.

Boy, you know, every Saturday
afternoon me and my dad

marched down the street in our uniform
to the little movie theater.

Oh, the spook house!

Aah!

Aaaarrr!

You're not gonna believe
the first picture I ever saw.

It was your friend's... Dracula.

That's incredible,
that's the first picture I ever saw.

That is incredible.

You know, I had to sleep
with the lights on for a week.

I had to for a month.

But I never missed a Lugosi picture
after that one.

A few years ago I actually saw him
do Dracula live.

It was much scarier in person.

Oh. We're stuck.

Kathy.

I'm about to tell you something that
I never told any girl on a first date.

But I think it's
important that you know

I like to wear women's clothes.

- Huh?
- I like to wear women's clothes.

Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps.

It's just something I do.

Yes, I can't believe I'm telling
you this, but I really like you

and I don't want it getting
in the way down the road.

Does this mean
you don't like sex with girls?

No, I love sex with girls.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

You see, we thought that Mr. Lugosi
was insured through his union.

Isn't he?

No, they say
his eligibility ran out years ago.

Look, Doctor,

he doesn't have any money.

But I'll give you everything I've got,
a few hundred dollars.

That won't even begin to cover it.
He's gonna have to leave.

Bela? Bela, wake up.

I've got some great news.

The doctor says you're all better,
you can go home now.

Really?

I don't feel so great.

No? Well, you look just peachy.

And, uh, the tests came back fine.

Come on, let's get up.

Here we go.

Attaboy. Good.

Eddie,

I want to make another picture.

When are we going to
make another picture?

Oh... Soon, Bela. Very soon.

This is so exciting.

Another production.

Isn't it?

So, Eddie, shouldn't we
have a sound crew?

Uh, no, no, because this
is just second unit stuff.

We're gonna do the main
footage later. All right?

So, what's this scene about?

Um...

You're a very important
and respected man.

And you're leaving your house,
you're in a hurry.

You're on your way to
a big social brouhaha. Okay?

Eddie.
What if I'm not in so big a hurry?

What if I take a moment to slow down,

to savor the beauty of life,

to smell a budding flower?

That's great. That is great.

Let's do a take. Okay?

Ed, I'm really busy.

What do you want now?

I was calling to see
if you'd like to attend

the world premiere of my new movie,
Bride Of The Monster.

Didn't you just make one
called Bride Of The Atom?

Yes, it's the same film.

But the distributor
wanted a punchier title.

Come on, it's gonna be a big event,

Bela, Tor and Cris are coming.
You'll have fun!

Uhh! I can't see.

These contact lenses are hurting.

My eyes are killin' me.

Don't worry. We're almost there.

Hi.

Right in there. Thank God you're here.
They're tearing up the place.

Come on, come on.

Come on, this way.

Come on!

Come on!

I've never been to
a movie premiere before!

Well, go knock 'em dead.

Oooh!

At the stroke of midnight,

the witching hour,

the ghouls arise

from the dead!

- Hey, Vampira, how 'bout a little love!
- Fuck off!

One of them stole my wallet!

- I can't see!
- Get off me!

Let's go!

I gotta save 'em!

Get your heads down!

Come on, let's go!
We're getting the heck outta here!

Can't see!

I can't see anymore!

Hey, come on! Let's split!

Taxi!

Stop!

Get in! Come on!
Go on, get in!

Now, that was a premiere.

Eddie,

last night was quite a romp.

Did you see that kid
grab Vampira's boobies?

I envied him. Hell, I envied you, too.

A girlfriend who would jump
in front of a car like that.

Yes, she is quite something.

None of my wives would have.

Eddie, I want to thank you.

These last few days have been

a good time.

You know, I just...

- I just wish you coulda seen the movie.
- Ah.

No problem.

I know it by heart.

"Home.

"I have no home.

"Hunted.

"Despised.

"Living like an animal.

"The jungle is my home.

"But I shall show the world

"that I can be its master!

"I shall perfect my own race of people.

"A race of atomic supermen

"that will conquer the world!"

Uh, Mr. Lugosi, could I have
your autograph, please?

- Certainly.
- Why, that was incredible.

I mean,
you're just as great as you ever were.

Better.

I am 74, but I don't know it.

When the brain is young

the spirit is still vigorous.

Like a young man.

"And left the planet Mars

"never to return again."

"The end."

Mmm.

Wood Productions.

Hey, whose crazy idea was it
to bury him in the cape?

I heard it was in the will, it was how
he wanted to be remembered.

Could you run it again?

- Mr. Wood.
- Huh?

Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds,
your landlord.

Could you please open up?

One minute.

Yes?

Uh, Mr. Wood, you have bounced
your third and final rent check.

I'm terribly sorry.

My stockbroker must've transferred
the wrong account.

Come on in.
I'll write you another check.

Ah! I see you're in the
picture business.

- Yes.
- I'm interested in the picture business.

My associates and I,

we wish to produce
a series of uplifting religious films

about the apostles.

But unfortunately,
we don't have enough money.

Well, raising money's tough.

No, our church has
enough money for one film.

We just don't have enough for all 12.

Well, you know what you do?

You produce a film in
a commercially-proven genre

and then after it's a hit,

you take the profits from that
and make the 12 apostles movies.

- Would that work?
- Absolutely.

Let me show you something.

You see this script?

Grave Robbers From Outer Space.

Money in the bank.

Grave robbers from what?

From outer space. It's science fiction.
Very big with the kids.

If you make this picture,

you'll have enough money
to finance 100 religious films

and pay my back rent with the profits.

I don't know.
This is all a lot to absorb.

It's a guaranteed blockbuster.

Mmm.

I understand this science fiction is
very popular, but,

don't the big hits
always have big stars?

- Well, we have a big star, Bela Lugosi.
- Bela Lugosi...

Oh, I thought he passed on.

Yes. Yes, he did.

But...

- I've got the last footage he ever shot.
- Doesn't look like very much.

Mr. Reynolds, this is the acorn
that will grow a great oak.

I'll just get a double
to finish his scenes

and we'll release it
as Bela Lugosi's final film.

Bunny? We're makin' another movie.

Yes, I got the Baptist Church of
Beverly Hills to put up the cash.

Ed, I got
the Lugosi doubles outside.

Bunny, I gotta go.

He's too short.

He's too tall.

He's just not going to work.

Well, Ed, I was thinkin' like
when Bela played Fu Manchu.

- Paul, that was Karloff.
- Oh.

- You're gonna have to try harder.
- Okay.

- Try to be a cut above. Go get 'em.
- Okay. Right.

Keep Sunday open, the producers
want us to get baptized. Okay.

You know, hon, when you rewrite a
script, it just gets better and better.

This is the ultimate Ed Wood movie.
No compromises.

Oh, my.

- Eddie, look at this.
- Hmm?

What?

Poor girl's out of a job.

I brought the script. You'll be
portraying the ghoul's wife.

- The ghoul's wife?
- Yes.

You should feel lucky.

Eddie's the only fella in town who
doesn't pass judgment on people.

That's right. If I did,
I wouldn't have any friends.

Look, would it be possible to make the
ghoul's wife a little less prominent

so people wouldn't really
notice me in the movie?

You don't want to be noticed?

Yeah. How about this? What if I don't
have any lines? I'll play the part mute.

- Mute?
- Hey, it's Dr. Tom.

- Dr. Tom! Hiya!
- Who's Dr. Tom?

- He's my chiropractor.
- Hey, Kathy. How are you?

- Fine, thanks.
- Well, look at you.

You're looking in alignment today.

Well, actually, my neck
is a little funny.

Now, here, let me fix that.

Ooh!

My gosh!

Don't move.

It's uncanny.

Look at his head! It's uncanny!

Lift up your voice

And let us sing

Alleluia, alleluia

He look nothin' like Bela.

He's kinda got his ears.

Oh, look. Cover your face with this.

Oh. Now I can see it.

I want to suck your blood.

I want to suck your blood!

Let's hear you call
Boris Karloff a cocksucker.

Shh!

We want these Baptists
to like us. Please.

Alleluia

Brothers and sisters,

we reach now in the service
a joyous point

because we are going to bear witness
to the baptism of our new members.

Why couldn't we do this in the church?

Because Brother Tor couldn't fit
in the sacred tub.

Welcome to the fold, brother.

Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your personal savior?

Yes!

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

Welcome to the fold, brother. Welcome.

Praise the Lord, brother.

Do you reject Satan and all his evils?

Sure.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Praise the Lord, friends!

- Do you repent for all your sins?
- I do.

How do you do it? How do you get
all your friends to get baptized

just so you can make a monster movie?

It's not a monster movie.

- It's a supernatural thriller.
- Come to Jesus, brother!

I can't believe this.

- Ed, what am I gonna do here?
- What do you mean?

He has no hair.

Gee, I never noticed that.
Put a wig on him!

Before we start shooting,
Mr. Wood, we have a few questions.

Yes. The script contains numerous
references to grave robbing.

Now, we find the concept of

digging up consecrated ground
to be highly offensive.

It is blasphemy.

What are you talking about?
It's the premise of the movie.

It's the title of the movie,
for Christ's sakes!

Mr. Wood!

Yes, about that title.

It strikes us as very inflammatory.

Why don't we change it to
Plan 9 From Outer Space?

Ha! That's ridiculous.

All right. And, action!

Medical examiner been around yet?

Just left. The morgue wagon oughta
be along most any time.

- You get their statement?
- Yeah, but they're pretty scared.

Fine mess like this
will frighten anyone.

You have one of the boys

take the guy and the girl back to town,
you take charge.

What'd you give him all the lines for?
He's unintelligible.

Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk,
I had to give somebody the dialogue!

That is no answer!

What about glitter?

When I was a headliner in Paris,

audiences always liked it
when I sparkled.

No!

- Cat's eyes!
- No!

Well, I'm going to need some antennae.

No!

You're the ruler of the galaxy!
Show a little taste!

See? No talking. Isn't he good?

- Cue Dr. Tom.
- Now?

Yes, now. Lurk him.

Be sure and keep your face covered.

Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives.

Doesn't it strike you as a bit morbid?

No. He would've loved it.

Bela's returned from the grave.

Just like Dracula.
Cue Vampira.

Cut!

Let's go down and find out
whose grave it is.

Oh, why do I always get hooked up
with these spook details?

Monsters, graves, bodies!

Cue flying saucer.

And cut! Print. We're moving on.

- That was perfect.
- Perfect? Mr. Wood,

do you know anything about
the art of film production?

Well, I like to think so.

That cardboard headstone tipped over.

This graveyard is obviously phony.

Nobody will ever notice that.

Filmmaking is not about the tiny details.
It's about the big picture.

- The big picture?
- Yes.

How about when the policemen arrived
in daylight, but now it's suddenly night?

What do you know? Haven't you
heard of suspension of disbelief?

Reverend, I'm here.

- Oh.
- Who is he?

This is our choir director.

He's gonna play the young hero.

Are you people insane?
I'm the director!

I make the casting decisions
around here!

I thought this was a group effort.

No!

No?

They're driving me crazy!

These Baptists are
stupid, stupid, stupid!

Okay. I gotta calm down.

Gotta calm down.

Gotta calm down.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

All right, everybody.
Let's get set up for scene 112.

Move the crypt stage left, and let's
get Tor's make-up effect ready.

Mr. Wood!

- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm directing.

Not like that you're not!

Remove that get-up immediately!

You shame our Lord.

That's it! I can't take it!

Take me to the nearest bar,
and make it snappy!

Imperial Whiskey.

Oh, my gosh.

Orson Welles.

- Excuse me, sir?
- Yes?

Um, well, I'm a young filmmaker
and a real big fan.

I just wanted to meet you.

My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles.

I'm, uh, Edward D. Wood, Jr.

What you working on?

Well, the financing just fell through
for the third time on Don Quixote.

You know, I can't believe it.

That sounds just exactly
like my problems.

It's the damn money men.

They never know who's a windbag
and who's got the goods.

Then they all think they're directors.

Ain't that the truth?

Do you know that I've even had
producers re-cut my movies?

I hate when that happens.

And they're always trying
to cast their buddies.

It doesn't even matter if
they're right for the part.

Tell me about it. I'm supposed
to do a thriller at Universal

but they want Charlton Heston
to play a Mexican.

Ah, Mr. Welles. Is it all worth it?

It is when it works.

You know, the one film of mine
where I had total control, Kane?

The studio hated it

but they didn't get to touch a frame.

- Ed.
- Yes?

Visions are worth fighting for.

Why spend your life
making someone else's dreams?

Thank you, Orson.

- Mr. Reynolds.
- Yes.

We are gonna finish this picture
just the way I want it

because you cannot compromise
an artist's vision.

- But it's our money.
- And you're gonna make a bundle

but only if you shut up
and let me do things my way.

All right, gang. Actors in positions.
Let's finish this picture.

Action.

Wanna give him a hand? Keep rolling.

Now that's an alien.

Action.

- What plan will you follow now?
- Plan 9.

Plan 9? Ah, yes.

Plan 9 deals with
the resurrection of the dead.

Long-distance electrodes shot into
the pineal and pituitary glands

of the recent dead.

You know, maybe you guys were right.
"Plan 9" is a good title.

I want that lightning,
I want those two explosions

and I've got to have
more shots of the military!

Right.

And cut.

All right, friends.
Prepare for scene 32.

- Mr. Wood?
- Yeah?

- Where's the cockpit set?
- You're standing in it. Places!

But what if we develop
this solenite bomb?

Then we'd be a stronger nation, too.

"Stronger." You see?

You see? Your stupid minds.

Stupid. Stupid!

- That's all I'm gonna take outta you!
- Oh!

Cut!

Action.

Greetings, my friend.

We are all interested in the future

for that is where you and I are going
to spend the rest of our lives.

And remember, my friend,

future events such as these
will affect you in the future.

And cut!

That's a wrap.

Oh!

I can't get it up. It's stuck.

Eddie, you're gonna be late
for your own premiere.

All right, forget it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are about to see
an extraordinary motion picture.

But before it begins, I think we
should all give a hand to the man

without whom we wouldn't
be here tonight.

Eddie, take a bow!

Thank you.

I just wanna say that this film

is for Bela.

The grief of his wife's death

became greater and greater agony.

The home they had
so long shared together

became a tomb.

A sweet memory of her joyous living.

The sky to which he had once looked

was now only a covering
for her dead body.

The ever-beautiful flowers
she had planted

with her own hands

became nothing more than
the lost roses of her cheeks.

Confused by his great loss,

the old man left that home

never to return again.

This is the one.

This is the one I'll be remembered for.

Aw, gee, honey, I'm so happy for ya!

Say, let's get married.

- Huh?
- Right now. Let's go to Vegas.

But, Eddie, it's pouring,
and the car top is stuck.

Phooey! It's only a five-hour drive

and it'll probably stop
by the time we get to the desert.

Heck, it'll probably stop by the time
we get around the corner. Let's go.

On!