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1
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,047
[dark ominous music]
2
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,215
[strange bubbling]
3
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:24,153
* *
4
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,860
- [speaking Spanish]
5
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,610
[coughs]
6
00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:35,949
[coughs]
7
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,914
- That's the point.
8
00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:38,964
- [camera clicks]
9
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,617
- [choking]
10
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:46,705
- One square mile,
three minutes.
11
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,585
Everything is dead.
12
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:50,971
Brimstone is fully functional.
13
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,259
* *
14
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,603
- Burn it.
15
00:00:54,637 --> 00:00:56,347
- [chuckles]
16
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,929
* *
17
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:03,146
[cows mooing]
18
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:08,650
[dramatic music]
19
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:15,623
* *
20
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:32,974
- * MacGruber *
21
00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,839
[fire crackling]
22
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,637
- Well, someone was
in a rush this morning.
23
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,645
You didn't even neatly
make your side of the bed
24
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,647
while I was still sleeping
like you usually do.
25
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,649
- Big day.
26
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,270
I'm probably gonna
be home late.
27
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:50,236
- Oh, but it's Christmas Eve.
28
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,816
- Oh, believe me,
I would much rather
29
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,161
spend the day tracking down
one of your famous
30
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:56,487
homemade cinnamon rolls.
31
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:57,833
- Listen, I'm really sorry
about everything
32
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,367
that I've put you through
the last few days.
33
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,661
I promise
I'll make it up to you.
34
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,544
- I'm just so happy
to have you home, honey.
35
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:03,420
- Oh.
36
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,536
I have something for you.
37
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,262
- Oh, wow.
38
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:12,296
This is great.
39
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,550
Did you make this?
40
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:17,222
- No, I don't know how to do
advanced metalwork.
41
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:20,432
If I had that kind of skill,
I think you would know that.
42
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,023
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
43
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:25,848
- Besides, it's not from me.
It's actually from MacGruber.
44
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,515
- MacGruber?
- He came by last night.
45
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,404
Only for a little bit,
but I swear,
46
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:30,441
it's not a big deal.
He was just--
47
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:31,903
- I understand.
48
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:33,033
Mm-hmm.
49
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:34,149
- Oh.
50
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,605
Okay.
51
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:38,865
I got the feeling he was...
saying goodbye.
52
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,158
- Mm.
53
00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,581
- Anyway, he said that was
his good luck charm,
54
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,960
and he really wanted you
to have it.
55
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,577
And there's actually
a story attached to it
56
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:46,673
that I would like
to share with you now.
57
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,958
- Uh-huh.
58
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,541
- After the first night
that we made love--
59
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,706
- Hon, I just--
I should really get going.
60
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,416
- Okay, well, I'll tell you
the story next time.
61
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,926
- Okay.
- Here, let me put it on you.
62
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,007
- Okay.
63
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,513
- Just FYI, there's something
of mine inside.
64
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,215
- Oh.
- Just don't open it
65
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,385
over a cup of coffee.
- Mm.
66
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,694
- Sorry, his neck sweat
67
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,768
probably rusted the clasp
a little bit...
68
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,903
oh, got it.
69
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,230
- All right, thanks.
70
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,275
- Hey.
- Yeah?
71
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,399
- Is everything okay?
72
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:16,775
- It's just
this Queeth business.
73
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:19,491
It's just taken over my mind
and...
74
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,582
Look, I've just gotta
get through today
75
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,538
and everything should be
different.
76
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:24,828
I mean, better.
77
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,081
- All right, well,
good luck, honey.
78
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,674
- Thank you, Victoria.
79
00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:36,005
Say...
80
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,549
after this is all over,
what do you say we fly
81
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,342
down to Aruba, get out of here?
82
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,596
Second honeymoon.
83
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:43,427
Wipe the slate clean.
Start fresh.
84
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,973
- Yeah, I'd really like that.
85
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,686
- Me too.
86
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:47,686
- Me too.
87
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:52,437
- Love you so goddamn much.
88
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,152
[door slams]
- Oh, honey, you left your...
89
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:57,112
[foreboding music]
90
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:59,113
* *
91
00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:00,735
- How did the test go, sir?
92
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:04,042
- Well, it depends who you ask.
93
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,117
The cows were not a fan.
94
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,463
- Merry Christmas to all...
95
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:12,129
and to all a good...
96
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:13,958
fuck!
97
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,804
Oh, don't worry, Queeth.
98
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:19,719
You'll get yours soon enough,
I promise you that.
99
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,929
For my mother, for my father,
100
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,971
for justice and honor,
101
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:26,765
for the millions of p--
102
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,138
[engine roaring growing closer]
103
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:30,314
Oh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck! Ah!
104
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,443
[suspenseful music]
105
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:40,491
* *
106
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,990
- I got something here.
107
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,623
- Oh, these blankets
are so comfortable.
108
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,330
Wait, is somebody there?
Is somebody there?
109
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,080
Look, I mean no harm.
110
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,502
Please, I have money.
Don't hurt me.
111
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,591
Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me,
112
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,706
you fucking piece of shit.
113
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,174
Ah!
114
00:04:58,214 --> 00:04:59,844
Got your nose.
115
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:00,763
- What the fuck?
116
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,050
- Hey, got a joke for you.
117
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,683
What did the hunting knife
say to your head?
118
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,511
[grunts]
119
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:07,556
Just passing through.
120
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:10,519
[upbeat music]
121
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,690
* *
122
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:17,030
Now he has
an all-terrain vehicle.
123
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,437
- Got another ping
from Southern Command.
124
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,025
They're requesting access
to Delta files.
125
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,200
- Approved.
126
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:23,777
- Sir, you have a phone call.
It's them.
127
00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:27,083
- Get me a secure line, Major.
- Yes, sir.
128
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,408
[phone ringing]
129
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,753
[suspenseful music]
130
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,540
- Enos Queeth, I presume?
131
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:34,883
[eerily distorted]
- Oh, no, General.
132
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,248
This is the ghost
of Christmas future.
133
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,715
And the future is looking
very bright indeed.
134
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,927
- Oh, yeah, why is that?
135
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:47,057
- Because you are about
to pay me 50 billion dollars.
136
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,677
- [whispers] 50 billion?
137
00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:49,973
- What are you planning?
138
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,726
- Let's just say
that tomorrow morning
139
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,898
Santa and his reindeer
are going to deliver
140
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:56,557
the biggest present
the world has ever seen.
141
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,146
And if we don't get
that money,
142
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,821
that will just be
the beginning.
143
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:02,359
- You know damn well
the United States government
144
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:04,864
does not negotiate
with terrorists.
145
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:06,566
- We'll see if you still
feel that way
146
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,576
after tomorrow morning.
147
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,328
- Damn it, Queeth,
you listen to me!
148
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,710
- Bye.
[dial tone]
149
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,956
[unsettling music]
150
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,210
* *
151
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,922
- Santa's starting to
get on my goddamn nerves.
152
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:27,678
- Well, well, well, Queeth's
got himself quite the army.
153
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,811
So we got two options.
154
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:35,154
Option A, we pack up our shit
and throw in the towel.
155
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:41,226
Option B, we go down there
and kill everything in sight.
156
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,436
What do you say, bud?
157
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,695
[suspenseful music]
158
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,119
Looks like the nose have it.
159
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:50,908
* *
160
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,252
Time to go make some widows.
161
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,171
[suspenseful music]
162
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:08,142
* *
163
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:20,110
- Smells like Queeth in here.
164
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,688
All right.
165
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,364
Time to hand out
the party favors.
166
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:28,373
[device beeping]
167
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,656
* *
168
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,620
[eerie music]
169
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:36,871
* *
170
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,455
Things that make you go boom.
171
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,211
[device beeping]
172
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:44,172
[suspenseful music]
173
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,474
* *
174
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:51,099
Hope you weren't planning on
not exploding tonight.
175
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:57,727
* *
176
00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:01,399
You can dish it out,
but can you take it?
177
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:05,149
* *
178
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:20,212
- Ready to be part of
throat rip history?
179
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:24,420
* *
180
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,842
- [chuckles]
181
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,091
The ol' reverse throat rip,
182
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,594
the holy grail of throat rips.
183
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,966
And they said
it couldn't be done.
184
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:39,024
But we did it, didn't we,
you dead piece of fucking shit?
185
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,480
[door squeaks]
Ah.
186
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:45,611
Looks like our little
barbecue's about to begin.
187
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,610
Hope you like
your meat well-done.
188
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:51,362
* *
189
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,366
[dramatic music]
190
00:08:54,409 --> 00:09:00,329
* *
191
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,793
- Tonight, it begins!
[rapid gunfire]
192
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,253
[cheering]
193
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:07,594
- Tonight, it ends.
194
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,720
- 20 years ago,
we were exiled.
195
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:14,299
Spit out, left for dead.
196
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:15,806
We are the forgotten.
197
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,477
The discarded.
198
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,806
We're ghosts.
199
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:23,022
Tomorrow,
the children of the world
200
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,403
will receive
a very special present.
201
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,531
Not a sweater.
202
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,778
Not a Beanie Baby.
203
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,990
Not a shiny new trike.
204
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:37,541
No, this present is something
far more interesting.
205
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,367
This present...
206
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,872
it melts faces.
207
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,334
It makes your eyes
pour out of your sockets
208
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,836
like water.
209
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,837
It closes throats,
it voids bowels.
210
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,840
Kills by the millions.
211
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,973
And it all could've been
avoided.
212
00:09:55,011 --> 00:10:00,391
The United States does not
negotiate with patriots.
213
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,733
Well, fuck them.
214
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,478
[cheering]
215
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,190
They may have forgotten
216
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:08,320
the hell that they
put us through.
217
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,568
But tomorrow,
218
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:14,740
they will remember our names.
219
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,991
To vengeance!
[cheering]
220
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,953
- To vengeance.
221
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:23,423
* *
222
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,456
[rapid gunfire]
223
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,210
[cheering]
224
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,802
- Sir,
there's a bogey approaching.
225
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,417
[engine grows louder]
- MacGruber.
226
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,264
[alarm blaring]
227
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,719
[gunfire]
228
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,181
* *
229
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,722
Take him out.
- Fire!
230
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:45,975
[gunfire]
231
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,981
Hold your fire!
232
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:52,073
* *
233
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,413
[suspenseful music]
234
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:06,371
* *
235
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,713
[device beeping]
236
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,003
- Get back!
237
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,470
[device beeping]
238
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,845
- [screams]
239
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,311
- Find him!
240
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,441
[device beeping]
241
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:28,477
* *
242
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:29,811
- [screams]
243
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:30,936
- God!
244
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,822
[device beeping]
245
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,624
- [screams]
246
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,617
- Damn it, fall back!
247
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,460
[indistinct yelling]
248
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,417
[dramatic opera singing]
249
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:55,378
* *
250
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,135
[suspenseful music]
251
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:11,936
- Fuck you, Queeth!
Come and fucking get it.
252
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,481
* *
253
00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:17,106
- Look likes we got
a little rodent problem.
254
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,540
Where are you, MacGruber?
255
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,961
We know you're in here.
256
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:35,090
* *
257
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:37,840
- There's no escape, MacGruber!
258
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:40,182
Gonna find you.
259
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,428
- Where the fuck are you,
MacGruber?
260
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,100
- Dick shot!
[rapid gunfire]
261
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,100
[both groaning]
262
00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,942
- Oh, my fucking dick!
263
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,808
You shot me in the dick.
- [groaning]
264
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,225
- Don't worry, guys,
I got this.
265
00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,898
I know where you're hiding now,
MacGruber.
266
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,494
- No, you don't.
267
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,794
- You know the best thing
about this weapon?
268
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:10,368
It fires
armor-piercing bullets.
269
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:13,035
- Well, Queeth, as long as
we're doing riddles,
270
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,634
I got one for you.
271
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,839
You know the best part
about seeing your mother
272
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,550
get killed in front
of your eyes?
273
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:19,800
- What's that?
274
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,891
[gun cocks]
- Nothing.
275
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,846
Drop your fucking piece.
- Okay, okay.
276
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,217
[gun clatters]
All right, just please--
277
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,183
please don't,
just don't--don't shoot me.
278
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,853
Okay? Just please
just don't shoot me.
279
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,062
I'm beg--I'm...
280
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,901
I'm--I'm--I'm begging you.
281
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:32,976
I'm begging you, please!
282
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,691
You--you--you bested me again.
283
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,362
- Seeing you there
on the ground, crying,
284
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,901
pleading, begging for your life
285
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:44,235
is such "Chicken Soup
for the Soul."
286
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,122
I've been waiting
to do this to you
287
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,909
since I was five
fucking years old.
288
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,083
- [sobbing]
289
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,121
- I got good news
and I got bad news, bud.
290
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,586
The good news, not gonna
shoot you with bullets.
291
00:13:55,627 --> 00:13:58,707
- [winces]
- And the bad news...
292
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,125
I'm gonna shoot you with fists.
293
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:04,594
Get on your feet,
come on, let's dance!
294
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:08,256
- [chuckles]
295
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,426
- Oh, what's so funny, huh?
296
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,805
You think about
your favorite "Dilbert" quote?
297
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,942
Huh, you little fuckin' dumbass
"Dilbert" fan?
298
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,020
- Oh, no, I'm--
299
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,776
I'm--I'm laughing about this.
300
00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,278
- Mother fuck!
301
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,859
- That's right,
I had a second gun.
302
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,445
It's pretty funny, isn't it?
303
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,241
By the way...
304
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,874
I am a "Dilbert" fan.
305
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:33,711
- Knew it.
You suck so hard!
306
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:36,788
- Goodbye, MacGruber.
307
00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:38,165
[gunshot]
308
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,474
[heroic music]
309
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,048
* *
310
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,553
- General.
311
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,684
- Hello, MacGruber.
312
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,851
- [gasps]
- Enos.
313
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,479
- Just put the gun down.
314
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,097
Let's just talk about this
for a minute.
315
00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,694
- I think the time
for talking is over.
316
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,650
- Think about
what you are doing.
317
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,441
Ah!
318
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,954
Oh!
319
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,607
- Oh, my God, General,
you got here just in time.
320
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:07,866
Thank you so much!
321
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,197
You saved my life!
322
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,833
[sighs] And look...
323
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,540
I owe you a huge apology.
324
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,331
I am so sorry.
325
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,834
- MacGruber--
- No, I need to say this.
326
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,836
I need to say this!
327
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:22,668
Look, I've called you
so many nasty things
328
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,764
behind your back.
329
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,049
I've called you a dirty diaper
330
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,142
with arms, legs,
and half a brain.
331
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,848
Yeah, I said that about you.
332
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:33,679
I called you a fucker,
a fuckhead, fuckface.
333
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:37,685
I said you're a motherfucker,
a dicknose, dickface, dickhead,
334
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,439
shiteater, shitmouth,
335
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:42,981
fuckin' tool, fuckin' asshole,
fuckin' buttwipe,
336
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,446
shitdick, shittitty, tittydick,
337
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:48,277
a little bitch, piece of fuck,
piece of shit.
338
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,663
And I'll put 'em together
and call you
339
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,159
a piece of fucking
titty-dick shit.
340
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:54,201
You know,
I called you all that stuff.
341
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,285
[whispering] But I was wrong.
342
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:59,671
'Cause you're not
a piece of fuckin' shit.
343
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,589
You're a piece
of fucking friend.
344
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,549
And I mean that.
345
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,260
- Thank you, MacGruber,
and now it's time for me
346
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,890
to apologize to you.
347
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,547
- For what?
348
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,505
- For this.
349
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:12,974
- What the hell are you doing?
350
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:16,524
- Just finishing up the job
my dead colleague started.
351
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,349
- Oh, you piece of fucking
titty-dick shit!
352
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,106
So you're in on this too?
353
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,397
- Let's just say
Queeth and I
354
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,730
had a mutually beneficial
relationship.
355
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,396
I helped him get you
out of jail,
356
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,204
so he could get his hands
on Brimstone,
357
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,278
and he gave me the one thing,
358
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,583
the one thing in this world,
that I want most:
359
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,538
your death.
360
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,538
See, as long as you're alive,
361
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,170
Victoria will never be able
to give me her whole heart.
362
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,588
And that is why
I have to kill you.
363
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,417
- Barrett, look,
I got a news flash for ya.
364
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:48,093
Vicki married you.
She adores you!
365
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:50,433
This is all
just in your imagination.
366
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:53,678
- Oh, it's in my imagination
every time I caught her
367
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:55,102
looking through
your wedding album?
368
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:56,850
Every time
she shouted your name
369
00:16:56,891 --> 00:16:58,311
when we were making love?
370
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,441
Don't you understand?
371
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,358
- So this whole thing,
372
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,977
all the death,
all the destruction,
373
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,356
it's all just for Vicki?
374
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,452
- That's right, MacGruber.
375
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,357
I did it all for the nookie.
376
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,616
- Vicki would be
so disappointed.
377
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,988
- Well, it's a good thing
she's not gonna find out.
378
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,576
'Cause now that Queeth is dead,
379
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,410
there's only two people
in the whole world
380
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,036
that know about this,
381
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:24,292
and one of them
is about to die.
382
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:27,126
[suspenseful music]
383
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,552
[gunshot]
- [shouts]
384
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:32,143
[uplifting orchestral music]
385
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,007
- You sure about that, Barrett?
386
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,724
* *
387
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,354
- Victoria? What are you doing
here?
388
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,311
- Oh, I'd ask you
the same thing
389
00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,352
but I think I've heard enough.
390
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,145
- Please, baby, I can explain.
391
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,069
- Don't you "baby" me, baby!
392
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,777
- You got it all wrong, baby.
393
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,897
- No, you know what,
I think for the first time
394
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,574
I got it all right.
395
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,493
When I told you MacGruber
came by last night,
396
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:54,741
you didn't clench your fist
397
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:57,243
or snap a pencil
like you usually do,
398
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,155
and that struck me as strange.
399
00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:03,174
And then you happened to leave
a classified dossier at home.
400
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:04,498
General Barrett Fasoose
401
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,712
doesn't normally
make mistakes like that.
402
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,843
That's when I knew
something was up.
403
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,010
So I followed the coordinates
on your little map
404
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:14,510
and I ended up here.
405
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:19,352
And to think I trusted you
with my heart, and my body...
406
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,231
and my song.
407
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:26,362
* And you betrayed
my precious *
408
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:31,358
* Trust *
409
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:37,333
- * Let me make it up
to you, baby *
410
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,945
All right, look,
I did it all for you
411
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,714
and you want to
throw it away on that?
412
00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,866
- "That?"
413
00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:47,785
That is the most perfect man
I have ever laid eyes on.
414
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:50,876
And yeah, sure,
he's impetuous, brash,
415
00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:54,552
hotheaded, conceited, selfish,
thoughtless, reckless,
416
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:58,852
but he also has a major problem
with impulse control.
417
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,848
But none of that matters.
418
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,100
'Cause he is by far
the least endowed lover
419
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,814
I have ever had.
420
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:08,984
So yeah, he may be
hung like a butterfly,
421
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,994
but he stings like a gnat.
422
00:19:12,027 --> 00:19:13,027
- Please, Victoria.
423
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,529
- It's Vicki, Barrett!
424
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:20,663
Vicki Gloria Saint Elmo...
425
00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,412
MacGruber.
426
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,964
- Oh my stars, really?
427
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,578
- If you'll have me.
428
00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:28,924
- Yes, yes,
a thousand times yes!
429
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,380
- Consider yourself divorced,
you butthole.
430
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:33,592
Roundhouse!
431
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,551
Whew, whew!
- [groans]
432
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,512
[heroic music]
433
00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:41,263
* *
434
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,016
- You came for me.
435
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:46,138
- MacGruber, I never left you.
436
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:53,186
* *
437
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,154
[helicopter blades whirring]
438
00:19:56,196 --> 00:20:03,326
* *
439
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:09,923
- Well, my love,
440
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:13,459
I think it might be time
for a little R&R.
441
00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:16,965
- Oh, yes, I could use
some rest and relaxation.
442
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,298
- No.
443
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,553
The other R&R.
444
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,715
Ramming and rimming.
445
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:26,604
- [quietly] Oh, MacGruber.
446
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,273
- * Joy to the world *
447
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:32,232
* The Lord is come *
448
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:37,403
* Let Earth receive her king *
449
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:44,536
[tropical music]
450
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,617
* *
451
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:51,004
- [grunting wildly]
452
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,002
- Oh, MacGruber!
453
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,964
[both panting]
454
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:58,506
- Gonna go fast now!
Gonna go fast now!
455
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,220
[grunting quickly]
456
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:04,680
[groaning]
457
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:17,027
Oh, still got a little bit.
It's going.
458
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:19,818
- What?
- Oh, just a little bit more.
459
00:21:19,863 --> 00:21:22,533
- Oh, I thought you were done.
- It's transferring into you.
460
00:21:22,574 --> 00:21:24,954
[groans weakly]
461
00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:27,293
[both sigh]
462
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,368
Ooh.
463
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:32,044
Oh.
464
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,343
- [sighs]
465
00:21:33,376 --> 00:21:36,126
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
466
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:44,429
[toilet flushes]
467
00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,393
- Oh.
- Merry Christmas, Vicki.
468
00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:54,105
- Oh, MacGruber.
[chuckles]
469
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,477
- Open it.
470
00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:59,994
- [gasps] My very own locket.
471
00:22:00,028 --> 00:22:01,858
- I thought we could
fill it together.
472
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:03,235
- Oh.
473
00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,321
- Give me your hand.
474
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:07,286
[Bon Iver's "Beth/Rest"]
475
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:14,457
* *
476
00:22:15,085 --> 00:22:19,255
- * Errant heat to the star *
477
00:22:19,297 --> 00:22:21,257
* And the rain let in *
478
00:22:21,299 --> 00:22:26,719
* *
479
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:30,523
* And the hawser rolls,
the vessel's whole *
480
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,438
* And Christ, it's thin *
481
00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:37,937
* *
482
00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:41,992
* Well, I'd know
that you'd offer *
483
00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:46,368
* *
484
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:49,328
* Would reveal it,
though it's soft and flat *
485
00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:53,869
* *
486
00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:56,455
* Won't repeat it,
cull and coffers that *
487
00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:59,671
* For the soffit,
hang this homeward *
488
00:22:59,713 --> 00:23:02,633
* *
489
00:23:02,674 --> 00:23:05,224
- All the best to you,
my love,
490
00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:07,720
on this special hallowed day.
491
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:11,062
- Your love is the greatest
gift I've ever received.
492
00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:13,229
- And mine yours.
493
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:14,638
- MacGruber.
494
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:17,476
- Come here.
495
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:20,652
[gulls calling]
496
00:23:20,692 --> 00:23:23,032
- Oh, what a beautiful day.
497
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:25,989
* *
498
00:23:26,031 --> 00:23:29,411
- Thanks to us,
the world goes on.
499
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:31,791
- Do you want me to go
rustle us up some coffees?
500
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:33,158
- That can be arranged.
501
00:23:33,204 --> 00:23:36,044
- [chuckles]
502
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:39,632
- * All the news at the door *
503
00:23:39,669 --> 00:23:43,169
* Such a revelry *
504
00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:48,184
* *
505
00:23:48,219 --> 00:23:51,139
- They ran out of coffee,
so I got you some apple ju--
506
00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:53,811
* *
507
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:57,310
[dramatic music]
508
00:23:57,354 --> 00:23:58,904
MacGruber!
509
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,608
Oh, God.
510
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,688
- Hey, just gotta do
a teeny bit more cleanup
511
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:04,694
then I'm ready for round two.
512
00:24:04,736 --> 00:24:06,146
- I think you better see this.
513
00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:09,276
- I'm almost tempted to say
that you better see this.
514
00:24:09,324 --> 00:24:11,874
- This is a major
chemical weapon attack...
515
00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:13,750
- Angle it over here!
- In Quito, Ecuador,
516
00:24:13,787 --> 00:24:15,537
home to over 2 million people
517
00:24:15,580 --> 00:24:18,290
and right now, as you
can see from this footage,
518
00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:19,633
there are crowds of people
519
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:21,168
running from
what appears to be
520
00:24:21,211 --> 00:24:23,511
clouds of some sort
of orange gas.
521
00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:26,296
* *
522
00:24:26,341 --> 00:24:27,681
- [people screaming]
523
00:24:27,717 --> 00:24:29,217
* *
524
00:24:29,260 --> 00:24:35,100
- Oh...my...God.
525
00:24:39,854 --> 00:24:42,774
[suspenseful music]
526
00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:49,946
* *
527
00:24:49,996 --> 00:24:54,546
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