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1
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,629
(rock music playing)
2
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,426
Lookie who's
drivin' the sleigh.
3
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,679
Candy fuckin' Smalls!
4
00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:13,851
Thanks for druggin'
us last year.
5
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:16,350
Move it before
I rotisserie your asses!
6
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,893
Why should we?
You're not even Successor.
7
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:22,437
You couldn't even get a job
as a shopping mall Santa.
8
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:23,772
That's so mean.
9
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,317
(accelerating)
10
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,187
Rhonda! No!
11
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:33,276
(cries)
When you mess with Candy, you get the cane.
12
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,000
♪ ♪
13
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:45,588
(cries)
That doofus, Devin, is gonna be the next Santa.
14
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:50,302
(joyful music playing)
15
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:03,098
Ugh, you know,
I even practiced how to act surprised
16
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,808
when my name
was announced like,
17
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,688
"Me? What? No!
I don't deserve it!
18
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:11,816
I mean, I do,
but I'm just so honored."
19
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,365
Ugh! It's so embarrassing.
20
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,329
Do you have
honey mustard sauce?
21
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:20,539
Devin is such a lame choice.
Santa used to be a radical.
22
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:23,502
And now, he's just
a company stooge, a sellout.
23
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,503
Yeah, well,
Jesus, so are you!
24
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,955
You know, I know
about the Christmas Spirit Bar conspiracy.
25
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,507
You disgust me, Brent.
26
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,590
I'm only here
because I've alienated
27
00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:34,885
everyone else
in my life, drug dealer.
28
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:38,009
It wasn't my plan.
I was just following Santa's orders.
29
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:40,517
Wait a second, Santa's orders?
No, no, no, no.
30
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,190
He told me himself he was
in the dark about the meth.
31
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,269
Nothing happens at Santa Inc.
32
00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,024
without that guy
having a glove in it.
33
00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,935
The meth bars were
the tip of the iceberg
34
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:50,614
when it came to the darkness
Santa was mired in...
35
00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:53,203
There were bribes
to keep the rich kids off the Naughty list,
36
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:57,409
and make sure the brats
got presents instead of the coal they deserved.
37
00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:01,372
And there were insider trading
tips inside the stockings.
38
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:04,124
Get it? Stockings?
Like, stock market?
39
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,917
Whatever, he always
thought it was hilarious.
40
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,630
Stockings.
Stock Market. Hilarious.
41
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:09,881
(laughs)
42
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:10,883
Plus, those lap implants
43
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,424
weren't just made
with silicone.
44
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,377
There's illegal titanium
from the Middle East
45
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,717
in those cozy suckers.
46
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,722
So much corruption.
47
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:18,894
Not hungry.
48
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,972
Thanks for mentioning
that earlier,
49
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,847
sarcasm.
50
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,024
Paparazzi 1:
How long is your schlong?
51
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:25,102
Paparazzi 2:
Can you tie it in a knot?
52
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,096
Paparazzi 1:
Can you tie it in a bow?
53
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:27,057
Leave me alone!
54
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,056
Paparazzi 3:
Can I tie it for you?
55
00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,727
Messin' around.
56
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,356
Devin:
Ow!
57
00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:32,402
I'm back to assure you guys
58
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:35,565
that none of this
will change anything.
59
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:37,865
I'll still stay in my room,
write your papers,
60
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:39,119
let you call me
Tub Of Shit.
61
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,080
'pologies, bro,
but you need to move out.
62
00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:43,751
My coke dealer's
on the corner,
63
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,500
and he is pissed
about the press.
64
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,542
So, get your shit,
leave right now,
65
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:51,745
love you, bro,
invite us to cool shit.
66
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,918
Candy removed
the tracking devices.
67
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,887
-No idea where the sleigh is.
-What a traitor!
68
00:02:56,968 --> 00:03:00,388
Did I tell you
when she told me to "go fuck myself"?
69
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,271
A jillion riveting
times, sire.
70
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:06,688
Then, Mrs. Claus
leaves to shack up with a fucking barkeep?
71
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,689
Why is everyone
turning on me?!
72
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:11,021
I'm fuckin' Santa!
Everyone loves me.
73
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:14,067
Mick Jagger texts
me every day.
74
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:15,612
He's thinkin' of growin'
an old guy goatee,
75
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,605
and I was like,
why would you cover up those lips, idiot?
76
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,657
Everyone loves
those fuckin' lips, which reminds me.
77
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,161
Did you find out who was
selling my beard hair?
78
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:25,792
Uh, no. Very hard to track.
All those tiny hairs.
79
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,632
Doorbell Carolers (singing):
♪ Answer the door ♪
80
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,248
-♪ Answer, answer ♪
-Fuck! This doorbell was so cool at first.
81
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:35,416
What I would not
give for a simple, "Ding dong! Ding dong!"
82
00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:39,006
-(Doorbell Carolers crying)
-That's so mean! We try so hard.
83
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,759
Devin?
Why are you here?
84
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:43,807
He's your Successor.
85
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,730
Once you die,
he becomes Santa.
86
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:47,808
Logically, he's,
probably, come to murder you.
87
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,484
No, I would never kill anyone!
88
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,022
I just was wonderin' if I could
crash for a couple nights?
89
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:55,646
Stay as long as you want.
You know, you are like the son I never had.
90
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,145
You used to say
that to me.
91
00:03:57,236 --> 00:03:58,906
Come in, Dev.
You look like a guy
92
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,908
who appreciates
a half-stale sheet cake.
93
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,450
My fourth favorite food?
How did you know?
94
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,164
Santa:
‘Cause it's my third favorite food!
95
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:06,504
I've had it!
96
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,659
God, I'm mad!
97
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,207
Santa Inc. is so evil.
98
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:11,460
So, stay here at Amazon
and work with me.
99
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:13,882
Fuck the North Pole!
The future is all about the
100
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,302
(sings) Northwest!
101
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,720
At least Amazon's not pretending
to be something it isn't.
102
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,010
It knows it sucks.
103
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,353
Exactly!
And we do amazing work.
104
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:23,758
Ordering face cleanser in bulk,
105
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:26,636
and havin' it delivered
in 11 seconds is everything!
106
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:28,604
Your traitorous family
and your idiot friends
107
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,225
who abandoned you are nothing.
108
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:32,611
Whoa, wait.
Cookie and Goldie aren't idiots,
109
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,359
and I betrayed my family, too.
110
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,400
(sighs) Whatever.
You know what I mean.
111
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,864
Now hop on your
new mountain bike, and join me.
112
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,276
-Are you in?
-Well...
113
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,749
No, I-I'm sorry.
Santa Inc. is my home.
114
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:51,209
Even if everyone hates me,
shuns me, laughs at me,
115
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:54,380
I have to at least try
to help make things better.
116
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,090
But, truly,
thanks for everything.
117
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,170
And, hey, thank you
for the snacks, Curtis.
118
00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,966
Those chicken nuggets
were an absolute poem.
119
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,510
The secret is:
baste it in its own fat.
120
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:13,057
(gasps)
Ugh, they took everything.
121
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,056
Huh?
122
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,437
(party music plays)
123
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,863
Hey! Check out
our new digs!
124
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,573
Look at your
mom's tits!
125
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,533
Ugh, I know
you're mad at me, and I-I probably
126
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,874
deserved it,
but I wanna help now!
127
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:29,200
Can't hear you!
Partying too hard!
128
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:30,197
Ugh!
129
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,288
(guns cocking)
130
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,582
Candy Smalls!
131
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,665
You're under arrest
for Grand Theft Sled!
132
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,212
You'll never catch me alive.
Serpentine fake out!
133
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:40,466
The chase begins--
(grunts)
134
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,048
And the chase ends.
135
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,763
-(siren wails)
-(camera clicks)
136
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,763
Wait, did I look
too guilty in that one?
137
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,255
Okay... cavity check.
138
00:05:48,347 --> 00:05:50,097
Fine, but it's
a total waste of time.
139
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,643
You know,
I may be a sugar fiend,
140
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:54,806
but I am also
obsessed with flossing.
141
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,856
You know, death creeps
in through the gums.
142
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,229
(growls)
143
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,686
Oh, you don't mean
that kind of cavity.
144
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,647
Candy:
I should not be locked up in here.
145
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:03,817
Neither should I.
146
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,445
All I wanna do is give
people happy endings.
147
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,122
Hollywood loves 'em, Tra La La,
148
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,831
but in real life,
it's a crime.
149
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,411
-What're you in for, Hot Toddy?
-Breakin' and enterin'.
150
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:15,707
Santa does it a million times
in one night, it's adorable.
151
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:19,052
When I do it once
in my whole goddamn life,
152
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:22,258
-I get locked up for years!
-Textbook double standard.
153
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,800
There's so much
corruption and hypocrisy.
154
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,854
Things have to change.
But... but how?
155
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:30,929
What do you mean "how"?
Shake some shit up.
156
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,425
Start a revolution,
sister!
157
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:37,648
A revolution? Me?
Oh, really? Oh, that's nuts.
158
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,440
I don't like
that phrase!
159
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,025
Sorry, my first
love was a chestnut.
160
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,241
Smartest woman I ever knew.
161
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:48,911
Until she roasted herself
over that open fire.
162
00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:50,451
You remind me of her.
163
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:52,195
The, the pre-roasting
part, I mean.
164
00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,496
I do?
But, no, I'm the biggest
165
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,540
laughingstock
in the North Pole.
166
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,004
I'm not the next Santa.
167
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,634
I'm just a highly
intelligent nobody.
168
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:01,921
Listen to me, Candy.
169
00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:03,594
You're a coal miner's daughter
170
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:06,593
who got to the top
of the ladder at Santa Inc.
171
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,716
All of us girls
in the women's clink
172
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:11,603
-were rootin' for you
to be Santa. -It's true!
173
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,351
We all went on a hunger strike
when Santa chose Devin.
174
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:16,353
-You did?!
-We sure as hell did!
175
00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,685
Until they broke us
with some rigatoni Bolognese.
176
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,232
(softly):
So damn delicious...
177
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:24,735
Anyway, Candy, you'll figure out
how to start the revolution,
178
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,029
and change this shitty place.
179
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,993
And when you do, send me
a pound cake with a file in it.
180
00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:32,244
Thanks for believing
in me, you guys.
181
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:33,946
It feels good, really.
182
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:38,916
But I'm currently incarcerated,
so I can't do anything.
183
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,630
Candy Smalls!
You have a visitor.
184
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,631
Biscuit! Wow!
Oh my god, you guys,
185
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,053
Biscuit is my best friend's
cousin from England.
186
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,632
She's like a super
high-powered lawyer.
187
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,928
I'm sorry.
Barrister.
188
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,222
Did Cookie
bail me out?!
189
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,095
Dear me.
Unfortunately, no.
190
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,603
My cousin is still
extremely pissed with you
191
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,895
for quote,
"being a dick," unquote.
192
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,569
Your bail came
from an anonymous Super PAC.
193
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:05,398
Now let's get out
of this shit box.
194
00:08:05,484 --> 00:08:08,784
-Help the cause, Candy!
-Fight for us all!
195
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:11,873
Goodbye, Hot Toddy.
Goodbye, Tra La La.
196
00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,779
You haven't heard
the last of me,
197
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,078
-I promise!
-Yes! You got this!
198
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,002
-Come on, Candy! You go, girl!
-Don't forget about the cake,
199
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,670
and if you can make
it a pound cake--
200
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,079
-Reporter 1:
Candy, what's the story? -Reporter 2: Candy...
201
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,997
-(reporters shouting)
-Santa!
202
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:25,295
-Candy--
-Please don't speak to my client.
203
00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:28,299
Ugh, I've decided
I am not going to press charges
204
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:33,262
because of my gigantic
and incredibly cool heart!
205
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,136
Uh, and also,
you know what, you're fired, you fuckin' wise-ass.
206
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,894
Uh,‘cause you told me
to "go fuck myself,"
207
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:40,595
which I'm totally over,
never hurt in the first place,
208
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,436
-but still, fuck you.
-Pff! No biggie.
209
00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:45,441
I was just about to quit,
so it doesn't count as being fired anyway.
210
00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:47,074
But ha ha,
you didn't quit,
211
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,951
so, uh, you're fired.
I win. Fuck you.
212
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,449
You're fired as fuck,
motherfucker.
213
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:52,780
Fine, I'm free.
214
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:55,115
I'd rather be an unpaid
intern at Passover
215
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,121
then work for your
stupid company.
216
00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,123
Great, go have
some roaring haroset, and get lost.
217
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,116
Good, I love haroset.
I love the combination
218
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,628
of flavors.
It's delicious.
219
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,459
Stop squeezing my hand so hard.
220
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:07,094
Wait, is that morse code?
221
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:08,801
Are you squeezing,
"Go fuck yourself"?
222
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,801
Why, yes, I am,
and no one knows it,
223
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,843
which is cool as shit.
So, guess what? I win!
224
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,718
Ugh, I--
You know what, show's over.
225
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,215
Thank you
for coming, everyone!
226
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,136
Goddammit,
it stings every time.
227
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,345
Gosh,
that was easy money.
228
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,484
Sorry about your job,
but what're you doing now?
229
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,152
I gotta clean out my office,
and steal some office supplies
230
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,651
because no matter how
alone I am in this fight,
231
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,113
my revolution
will be collated.
232
00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:35,952
-(Candy gasps)
-Candy, I'm so sorry.
233
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:38,453
My dream was
that Santa and I would one day
234
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,786
do a classic rock
karaoke duet.
235
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:43,871
Not that he'd make
me the next Santa! That was your dream.
236
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:45,878
Stop.
It's, It's not your fault.
237
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,840
It was your beard,
and your gut, and your dick.
238
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:52,682
And your college,
and your frat choice,
239
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,508
and your-- I guess,
your personality.
240
00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:59,024
Hey, I was just...
looking for Devin.
241
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,638
Goldie, you're
looking well.
242
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,846
Candace Ellen Smalls.
243
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,516
Awkward!
244
00:10:05,604 --> 00:10:08,324
Ooh, guys.
Who's gonna talk? Who's gonna talk next?
245
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,189
I-I'm sorry.
I was a bitch.
246
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,106
But I, I thought that
if you were my true bitch
247
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:15,945
that you wouldn't
bitch about me being such a bitch.
248
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:21,252
But I was being
a little bitch, and I apologize.
249
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,829
I'm so sorry,
and I, I love you.
250
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:30,464
-Oh.
-Aw, this is sweet.
251
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:32,126
And you know what's
kinda weird-a-roo
252
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:36,054
in like a super cosmic
fate-y kinda way?
253
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:38,215
I would never
have even been on Santa's radar
254
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,314
if it hadn't been
for what Goldie told me to do.
255
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,269
Goldie?! You told Devin
to go for Successor?
256
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,851
Even though you knew
it was my dream?
257
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:47,726
You know what, you have
always been jealous of me
258
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,983
-because I accomplish things
while you're stuck on the bench! -No!
259
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,607
Devin, why're
you saying that?
260
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,573
Well, in a way,
you did, babe.
261
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,573
You told me you wanted
a partner with a career,
262
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:58,235
so I got all ambitious.
263
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,334
Oh, she inspired you, oopsie.
264
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:05,160
That's on me. I'm good now.
Phew! False-o alarm-o.
265
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,707
Nope, because now
I am fucking pissed!
266
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,752
You think I'd hurt
you like that because I'm jealous of you?!
267
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:14,416
I was happy when
I heard Devin was gonna be Santa instead of you.
268
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,547
Wow, really nice.
That is so fucked!
269
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:20,014
I thought everything
would go back to normal, and I'd get my friend back,
270
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,676
but I'd rather sit on that
bench for a thousand years
271
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,175
before sitting in this room
with you for one more second.
272
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,307
I-- You--
We're not even sitting!
273
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,476
And, god,
we shouldn't even be fighting!
274
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:33,984
We're all just collateral damage
in a much bigger conspiracy.
275
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:36,948
Conspiracy?
Do you realize how nuts you sound?
276
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,069
Girl fights
are so weird.
277
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:41,826
The Igma Loo bros
would just smash my face into a door,
278
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,199
and all would
be forgiven.
279
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:44,575
Simple and civilized.
280
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,622
Goldie/Candy:
Shut up, Devin!
281
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:48,084
-Shut up, Candy!
-You shut up, Goldie!
282
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:51,085
Ugh, I need
a fucking drink.
283
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:52,798
I feel like
this is my fault.
284
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:54,458
Candy:
Yeah, it is, dumb fuck!
285
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,547
Oops.
286
00:11:57,925 --> 00:11:59,135
Mrs. Claus:
Hey.
287
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,008
Mm, dammit,
you're sexy.
288
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:06,135
The last time
Santa told me that was in 1969 at Spruce Stock,
289
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,635
when "Blowing In The Snow"
was playing.
290
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,191
Holy mother
of May and December.
291
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:18,145
Ah! James, you can turn
around right this instant.
292
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,817
If Santa wants
to talk to me,
293
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,445
he can drag
his butt here himself.
294
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:26,202
This is not about Santa.
It's about... this!
295
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,997
Uh, no idea what that means,
but it seems private.
296
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:33,592
I acted out
because I felt trapped in my life.
297
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,339
A little...
Claus-trophobic?
298
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,552
Yes!
299
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,051
I could kick
myself for never thinking of that.
300
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:42,224
I felt so
sheltered and useless.
301
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,813
I wanted to feel like
a young girl again.
302
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:47,929
-A young girl who sold hair?
-(Mrs. Claus sighs)
303
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,307
My father,
Leonard Senior, was a barber,
304
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:53,564
and every night we'd peddle
the day's shavings to the poor
305
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:58,687
for them to use for pillow
and mattress stuffings, and hair dolls.
306
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:03,027
I came from nothing,
and then, grew up to have everything,
307
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,985
and still feel like
I wasted my life.
308
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:09,706
(singing)
♪ Try to burn me with deceit and lies ♪
309
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:14,538
♪ 'Cause in the end,
like a phoenix ♪
310
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,797
♪ I'll rise ♪
311
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,840
Dave-Pierre! Dave-Pierre!
Hello? I need some advice.
312
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,966
How do I make big changes to--
313
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,563
Hey... Huh?
314
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,429
-What the hell?
-I left Santa
315
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,886
because he's the worst,
316
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:31,845
and I moved in
with Dave-Pierre,
317
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,226
and I have no regrets.
(chuckles)
318
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,613
This man's tongue was built
for giving women orgasms.
319
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,111
-(Mrs. Claus laughs)
-What can I say, I've been blessed.
320
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:44,074
And I came here
as a safe haven to vent about how much Santa sucks.
321
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:47,486
Oh my god.
Is this anger because he didn't pick me as Successor?
322
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:49,826
You guys,
I'm moved!
323
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,412
That is not
the whole story.
324
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,327
Don't you dare
be moved by me!
325
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,785
Well, Jingle Jim,
I do dare.
326
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,745
And guess what?
I have a plan to take that fucker down.
327
00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:00,586
I am going to start
a revolution of one.
328
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,343
My allies may despise me,
329
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,684
but I alone can
single-handedly fix
330
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,260
this deceptively
adorable empire!
331
00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:10,427
Uh... clap now.
332
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,596
Oh, Candy, this is
exactly what tripped you up with Successor.
333
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,306
You thought
you could do it all by yourself.
334
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,396
You can't make this
kind of change alone.
335
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,031
You need us.
And everyone.
336
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:22,399
All of the workers
oppressed by Santa Inc.
337
00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:24,406
As much as it pains
me to be nice to you,
338
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,448
you're the person
to lead it, Candy.
339
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,622
People rooted for you
to be the next Santa.
340
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,291
Despite that annoying,
high-pitched voice of yours,
341
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:33,750
-I believe they'll
listen to you. -No, they won't!
342
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,381
I was an asshole,
and everyone despises me.
343
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,338
What could ever change that?
344
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:41,259
-You could apologize to them.
-He's right!
345
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,338
Women are always
apologizing.
346
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,634
You should be
good at that!
347
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,137
Yeah, well, it's not
that easy, Mrs. Claus.
348
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:51,099
-I mean, I tried with Goldie.
It just made it worse. -Try harder.
349
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,431
Jesus, this new
Mrs. Claus is pushy.
350
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,147
But, yeah,
let's do this! Together!
351
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:57,478
(all cheering)
352
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,983
(crying)
353
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,654
I'm sorry.
You know, I did things
354
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,534
I never thought I would do
to become the next Santa.
355
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,162
I keep thinking about
the South Pole trip.
356
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,409
You know, how happy
I was when everyone said
357
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,661
I was "one of the guys."
358
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,703
It was so weird
and off-brand,
359
00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:14,326
but I didn't
wanna say anything.
360
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,663
You were so psyched.
361
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,918
So, I just talked shit
about you with Goldie later.
362
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,290
All I want now is
to be one of the girls.
363
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,497
-Too bad Goldie still hates me.
-I know.
364
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,008
I heard about your fight.
It sounds ugly,
365
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,640
but I've been going
through a lot myself.
366
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,388
Tomorrow, I'm quitting
my job at the factory.
367
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,011
But this is what
you always wanted,
368
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,847
a baby, a husband, a career,
a, a premature ham--
369
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:38,854
You have a career,
or... had one.
370
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:42,147
I stare into space,
stirring a bunch of melted sugar.
371
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:44,742
When Fun Size tried
to assassinate his babysitter,
372
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:48,238
I realized he's not happy,
and neither am I.
373
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,822
I missed his first steps.
374
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,367
Is it really worth missing
my kid's whole childhood?
375
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,701
Ah, it sounds like
the right move.
376
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,957
But can you hold on
a little longer?
377
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,919
I, I need your help.
378
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,289
Ooh, you know how
I love being needed.
379
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:02,667
What is going on?
380
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,053
I can't get into it,
but do me a favor,
381
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,970
and bring the factory
women to a meeting.
382
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,089
It's on Thanksgiving.
383
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:09,255
I don't know, Candy.
384
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,893
I wanna be home
for the holidays.
385
00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:12,509
I already promised
Craig I'd hang out
386
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:15,426
while he made a dry turkey
for his horrible family.
387
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,846
Did I tell you
his sister's dating an ornament?
388
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,725
Everyone's freaking
out about it.
389
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:23,192
I get it. I do.
But just please think about it.
390
00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:26,533
It's not just about me
and my ego this time, I promise.
391
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:30,410
So, I wanted to apologize
for how I, uh...
392
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:34,239
manipulated the situation
at the golf course.
393
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:37,616
I'm, uh,
sorry, Junior.
394
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,205
Oh, Candy.
395
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:41,459
If you thought coming here
and apologizing to me
396
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:45,752
would mean I'd stop being
a rude asshole to you, you're wrong.
397
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:50,758
Now I'm going
to be a rude, vengeful asshole, Tiny Brain.
398
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:51,973
What's that supposed to mean?
399
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:55,182
"Duh... what's
'Tiny Brain' mean?"
400
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:59,144
Elves have tiny brains,
and lady elves have the tiniest.
401
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,056
I used to know
your mother, so I know.
402
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:03,686
You did?
I, I had no idea--
403
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:06,942
All women are whores,
and all elves are trash,
404
00:17:07,025 --> 00:17:09,275
and all women elves
are trashy whores.
405
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:13,321
So, I do not
accept your apology, you trashy whore elf!
406
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,157
-(Junior grunts)
-Wow, that guy is fucked up.
407
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:18,753
Look, I know we've had
a complicated relationship,
408
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:21,079
and I-I'm sorry
I betrayed you all.
409
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,035
Come on, Candy.
410
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,375
I'm rich.
411
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:27,630
I don't give two shits
about anything anymore.
412
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,173
Mom, do you forgive me?
413
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:30,296
I will...
414
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,182
when you call all
the Board members,
415
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,849
and recommend me as a mistress.
416
00:17:34,928 --> 00:17:37,178
Here's some talking points.
417
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:39,814
"My mom never met
a shaft she couldn't crank,
418
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:44,982
but, beware, Big Candy
may cause extreme horniness."
419
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:47,863
-Fine. Tony?
-I might be covered in bling, yeah,
420
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,531
but I still feel like
shit because of you.
421
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:53,531
Why didn't anyone tell us
money doesn't bring happiness?
422
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,874
I feel like it's a pretty
common thing you hear a lot.
423
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,829
I don't care.
It sucks!
424
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,250
There's only one thing
I want from you, Candy,
425
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,959
and only then will
we be cool again.
426
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:09,381
(singing)
♪ If there is nothing under the tree ♪
427
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,883
♪ Don't be sad ♪
428
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:17,135
♪ You'll always have me ♪
429
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:21,391
♪ Me, me, me, me ♪
430
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:27,440
(guitar riffs)
431
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,073
♪ Me ♪
432
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,359
Y-You'll always have me,
and that's a promise.
433
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:36,824
That was truly beautiful.
Like, really, Tony.
434
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,947
I mean, the previous
20 songs were garbage, but...
435
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:41,745
you know, you're like
a monkey at a typewriter.
436
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,209
Every so often
you get it right.
437
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,868
Well, we all know
I love monkeys, so, huh...
438
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,498
-Thanks, Sis.
-Love you, bro.
439
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,464
It's taken 20 years,
but I'm glad we cleared the air.
440
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:54,011
-(flatulence)
-(all laughing)
441
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,721
Santa:
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
442
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:56,841
Glad you could
make it, Almonds.
443
00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:58,387
I feel like
I need some counsel.
444
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,560
You know,
I, I hope I didn't take you away from your family.
445
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,469
Well, my quadruplets
are only nine months.
446
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,428
They'll retain no memory
of the abandonment,
447
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,228
and my husband
is a sociopath. He feels nothing.
448
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:08,902
In other words,
all good!
449
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,071
Do you think
I've changed over the years?
450
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,359
Have I stopped caring
about what's important?
451
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,863
Santa,
you're fuckin' fine. Women suck.
452
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,116
Candy sucks,
your wife sucks.
453
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,948
My mother was a fuckin' monster.
454
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,583
She told me my nose made me
look like a fuckin' freak,
455
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,751
and made me paint it
with nail polish to hide it!
456
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:28,210
The only woman who
I thought was cool was a tiny-brained elf
457
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,922
I loved who rejected me
for a coal miner!
458
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,304
Me?! I fuck
human models!
459
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,931
Are you talking about Big Candy?
She was the love of your life?!
460
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,180
Wow, Sherlock Holmes
just crashed our dinner.
461
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,513
Now fuck off, B-Team.
462
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,308
Oh, god.
Junior sucks.
463
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:45,891
This is turning
into the creepiest
464
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,266
Thanksgiving
of my life.
465
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,022
I'll take care of this.
466
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:50,944
So, uh...
ding, ding, ding.
467
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,113
I'd like to make
a holiday toast.
468
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,742
Uh, in the immortal words
of my fourth-grade teacher,
469
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:59,239
Mr. Joopy, who was later
arrested for dating a student,
470
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:02,123
"If no one else will let
you sit at their lunch table,
471
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,741
there's always room at mine."
472
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,867
Hey, hey did you see
my new barracuda fish?
473
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:08,214
The Board got them for me
as a Successor pick bonus.
474
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,170
They glow
in the dark all the time.
475
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:13,300
It's like watching
a bunch of cell phones float around in a tank.
476
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:18,300
(mischievous music plays)
477
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:30,311
(indistinct chatter)
478
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:34,895
Uh, hi, hey.
Can I have everyone's attention?
479
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:38,489
(coughs)
480
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,623
Hi! Keep talking, keep talking.
481
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:48,827
Friends, co-workers, and family,
482
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,254
thank you so much
for being here.
483
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:53,213
I'm gonna say this
plain and simple,
484
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:57,343
we are all sick of the shit
that goes on at Santa Inc.
485
00:20:57,422 --> 00:21:00,222
So, let's change things!
Who's with me?
486
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,010
I've been forced
to sit my partridge ass
487
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,845
in this goddamn
pear tree for 20 years
488
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,931
with a debilitating
pear allergy
489
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:10,266
just because
of some stupid song!
490
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:13,732
Are you aware of what sores
looks like on a partridge?!
491
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:16,364
Because they do not
look like regular sores!
492
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:20,111
-They look like... this!
-Oh my god, my eye holes!
493
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:23,655
I complained to all
the department heads, but no one ever cared!
494
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:27,540
Every time I pick mistletoe,
I get sexually assaulted.
495
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,659
Turtle doves are being
replaced with tortoise doves,
496
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,206
and no one says anything!
What are you gonna do?
497
00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:34,130
Listen, listen!
498
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,669
I have a plan,
499
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:40,052
and it is going
to blow your minds.
500
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:44,722
(all cheering)
501
00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:49,311
(light music playing)
502
00:21:56,273 --> 00:22:01,403
♪ If there is nothing
under the tree ♪
503
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:08,326
♪ Don't be sad,
you'll always have me ♪
504
00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:13,287
♪ Me, me, me, me ♪
505
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,299
(guitar riffs)
506
00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:40,732
♪ Don't be sad,
you'll always have me ♪
507
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,777
Y-You'll always have me.
508
00:22:42,827 --> 00:22:47,377
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