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1
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,376
♪ You were like a father to me ♪
2
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:11,886
♪ Because you were my dad ♪
3
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:15,350
♪ Ever since your tragic death ♪
4
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,482
♪ My heart it hurts real bad ♪
5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,060
♪ Our dicks were identical ♪
6
00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:23,606
♪ The veins,
the shaft, the girth ♪
7
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,780
♪ Our junk separated at birth ♪
8
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:29,360
♪ Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
9
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:32,026
-Catchin' up on some porn, huh?
-Uh, that's right, boss.
10
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,825
Just porning it up
at the office.
11
00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,288
Well, if you need
to finish, you know,
12
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,538
flickin' it, or, uh,
whatever you're doin' down there,
13
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:38,960
you know, just
slappin' your flaps,
14
00:00:39,038 --> 00:00:41,708
-I can duck out.
Just let me know. -Oh god, stop.
15
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:44,001
I was actually
just watching a dumb music video
16
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,665
my brother made
for the anniversary of our dad's death.
17
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,465
Your dad would be so
proud of you, Candy.
18
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,089
Acting number two
at Santa Inc.,
19
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,136
you're a guest
of Santa at his
20
00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,468
South Pole Villa
this weekend,
21
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,723
-you're a very snappy dresser--
-Back it up, back it up
22
00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,675
to the South Pole Villa part.
23
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,476
Oh, I want you to come there
with me and the Board.
24
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,689
I'm doin' trips
with all the top Successor contenders.
25
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:04,940
We did a wine tasting last
weekend with Timmy the Toy Guy.
26
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,653
What can I say?
He was a fun hang.
27
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,233
He's pullin' toys out
all the fuckin' time.
28
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,738
-It's just inherently fun.
-Oh, I'm so happy for Timmy,
29
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,070
the totally uninteresting
white male choice
30
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,656
that will do nothing
for this company.
31
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,281
You know what it could be,
is a good chance
32
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,657
for you to wipe away
the memory of your
33
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,164
State of the Workshop
hell speech.
34
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,995
I mean, "hell speech"
is probably too harsh.
35
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,500
Uh, "Nightmare speech"?
"Apocalypse speech"?
36
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,003
You know,
all those sound worse.
37
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:27,134
-Are ya in?
-Fuck yes! Wow.
38
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,762
Be a fun hang,
like Timmy.
39
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:31,588
You know, be yourself,
but the most Timmy
40
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:32,804
version of yourself.
41
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,224
I assumed you knew
I was infamously
42
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,563
one of the most fun
people who's ever existed.
43
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:39,679
Mm-hm, yeah, sure.
If you say so.
44
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,516
Even penguins
think I'm funny.
45
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,061
And you know
what a tough crowd
46
00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:45,274
those miserable
motherfuckers are.
47
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,895
(joyful music playing)
48
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,320
(horn honks)
49
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,826
-Candy: I'm fun, right?
-Goldie: Of course.
50
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:02,581
Why would I, a woman,
whose motto is,
51
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,124
"I live for dick,"
52
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,537
have a best friend who sucked?
53
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,955
Your impressions make
everyone so happy.
54
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,464
Remember in high school
when you crank called
55
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,546
your mother
and pretended to be Tom Selleck?
56
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:15,181
"I would love to devour
your hot bod, Mrs. Smalls."
57
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,720
"Let Magnum whisk
you away to Hawaii."
58
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,055
You guys are right.
I rule.
59
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:23,060
I just hope that
Santa and the Board
60
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,603
see in me what you see.
61
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:26,056
Would you guys wanna come?
62
00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:27,855
Santa said I could bring guests.
63
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:31,149
-South Pole, here we come!
-(all cheering)
64
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,364
What the fuck,
Cookie?
65
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:34,573
I have to babysit
while you go on vacation?
66
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:38,244
You don't babysit
your own child, asshole!
67
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,624
And if you
deny me this,
68
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,161
the next time
your body will be touched by my hands
69
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,785
is when I shove
you down the stairs
70
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,752
-to get your life insurance.
-Take all the time ya need.
71
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,422
I'll be here,
babysitting, ehh, with the kid, eh,
72
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:49,961
come back when y--
Bye voyage.
73
00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:51,964
Devin:
Let's go over what we know:
74
00:02:52,046 --> 00:02:55,586
Santa and the Board are
all male and all white.
75
00:02:55,675 --> 00:03:00,045
Their average age is 67
because they're all 67.
76
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:02,808
They play golf,
drink, smoke cigars,
77
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,601
say things like, "deregulation,"
78
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,515
and "quarterly earnings,"
79
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,694
and "don't ever
marry your mistress."
80
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:10,902
Oh, I know how to play golf.
81
00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:12,782
I, I played with
my dad all the time.
82
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,319
I'm actually pretty good.
83
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:17,412
What I need to learn is how
to bro out with these guys.
84
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,318
You know,
shoot the shit, do shots,
85
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,077
shoot shots of shit, whatever.
86
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,739
Oh, you've come
to the right guy.
87
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:25,457
The Board are exactly
like my frat bros,
88
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:28,288
except they pop Viagra
instead of Adderall.
89
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:30,424
Now we have 48 hours
of cramming to do.
90
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,251
Let's go over that
dirty joke again.
91
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,587
A cucumber, a pickle,
and a penis sit at a bar.
92
00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:38,303
(motivational music playing)
93
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:49,981
♪ ♪
94
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,318
(razor buzzing)
95
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,490
Look at me.
96
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:06,076
I look hot enough
to melt the polar ice caps.
97
00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:08,462
Billions would perish,
but I don't care
98
00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:12,089
'cause I look great
in a bathing suit.
99
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:15,918
What's wrong?
You love it when I pretend I'm not an old bag of shit.
100
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,415
I am feeling
a little down lately.
101
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,508
This morning,
I put an English muffin in our toaster,
102
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,393
and I just stared
at the toaster until
103
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,850
the English muffin...
104
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,680
popped back up.
105
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,805
Have you ever done that?
Just stared.
106
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,772
Is it gonna do what
it always does?
107
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,852
And then, it does.
108
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,148
I guess it's a relief.
109
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,361
You're the most
beautiful Mrs. Claus
110
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:36,691
since the beginning of time.
111
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,066
This vacation is
going to be great.
112
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:41,613
All I want is
to see if Candy can hold her own,
113
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,028
and to fuck my lady
in our new jacuzzi
114
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,197
with the underwater TVs.
115
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:48,504
(sighs)
I wonder what the toaster's up to.
116
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,079
Candy:
Gone for the weekend, suckers.
117
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,714
Don't miss me too much,
and don't--
118
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,841
Oh, would you look
at this, Candy.
119
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,338
Isn't it beautiful?
120
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,630
My retirement plan.
121
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,134
A betting pool to decide
the future Successor.
122
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:03,256
Ha, ha, yes.
Grandpa is a genius.
123
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:05,894
We Smalls are
gonna make it rain in this bitch!
124
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,102
This is very illegal.
125
00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:08,731
You could go
to jail for this.
126
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,888
What?
At least I'd get three hots
127
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,267
and a cot in the clink.
128
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,523
My miner's pension is
a hundred bucks a month
129
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:15,975
and a sock full of coal.
130
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,935
Oh my god,
that is so bad.
131
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,526
But when I'm Successor,
I can change things.
132
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:22,991
Okay, let's see
how I'm doing.
133
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:25,832
The bottom?! This is fucked!
134
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:28,078
I'm better than
Male Human Shit!
135
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,001
You'll see!
You'll all see!
136
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,997
(ship horn blows)
137
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,883
Holy motherfuckin' ship.
138
00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:38,881
Yep, Santa's private yacht.
139
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:40,263
The "Twelve Twenty-Six."
140
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:43,549
Built a hundred years ago
entirely by Elf labor.
141
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:46,604
Get ready to set sail on
my Great-Grandpa's sweat.
142
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:47,809
This is so fun!
143
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,929
I "forgot"
my wedding ring at home,
144
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,556
so, technically, I am
back on the market!
145
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:56,023
Cruisin' into some D!
Ding-Ding! Dicks ahoy!
146
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:58,265
Hey!
I wanted to wish you luck.
147
00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:01,897
Good tidings,
Mademoiselle Goldie.
148
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:05,276
Uh, would you do me
the honor of going on
149
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,954
a petite date with me
when you're back
150
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,374
from this
little journey?
151
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:12,462
I'm not looking
for any more rando hook-ups, okay?
152
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,828
I need a real adult
with a career.
153
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,956
Not some college
slob with a boner in his cargo shorts.
154
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,424
Ah, I'm sorry.
155
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,134
Captain:
Get ready for an adventure
156
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,384
unlike anything
ya ever experienced.
157
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:27,046
Unless ya done
Molly and Oxy together, which I just did.
158
00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:30,056
And I should not be operating
heavy machinery right now,
159
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,469
but fuck it!
160
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,227
All aboard!
161
00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,939
(drill whirring)
162
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:42,573
-Candy: What?
-Cookie/Goldie: Huh?
163
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,489
All:
Ooh! Wow!
164
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,504
Candy:
Men of the Board, after that wild ride,
165
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,579
let me give you a little sorbet
to cleanse the palate.
166
00:06:56,666 --> 00:07:00,626
My personal, very own
impression of Santa.
167
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:04,011
"Did I tell you I chose
the first Black Successor?
168
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,260
If you forget,
I'll remind you until you die."
169
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,803
-(all laughing)
-You sound exactly like him.
170
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:14,727
(beat music plays)
171
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,939
-What's he doin' here?
-What the fuck? Is he crashing?
172
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:17,899
He's crashing.
173
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,189
I'm here not to vacation,
174
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,152
but to recover from surgery.
175
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,152
(grunts)
I gave my Grandma half of my liver.
176
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:27,195
It was very painful,
but ah, ah...
177
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,030
it was worth it.
178
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,244
So giving,
or dare I say,
179
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:31,744
Me-esque.
180
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,076
Come stay with us
for the weekend.
181
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,541
No more talking!
I insist. You're coming.
182
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,712
Why are you crashing?
You get your own event.
183
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:41,631
I'm workin' my way up
the list of contenders, bottom to top.
184
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,131
Bang, bang, bang.
185
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:45,262
And you're first,
so prepare for Hell,
186
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:46,719
'cause I'm
startin' Smalls.
187
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:49,139
Pun intended.
188
00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:51,388
Goldie:
I'm gonna marry this fucking waffle
189
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:52,930
whether it's legal
or not because
190
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,274
(sings)
♪ Our love is real ♪
191
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:58,189
I slept through all
the dumb-ass texts Craig sent me.
192
00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,229
"I don't see the milk.
193
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,982
"I'm lying in bed
with my eyes closed,
194
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,363
"but I still
don't see the milk.
195
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,650
"Good news!
Opened my eyes,
196
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,573
"went into the kitchen
and opened the fridge.
197
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:06,901
There was the milk."
198
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,736
-Hey!
-Cookie: You look like the bride
199
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,241
at a lesbian
Leprechaun wedding.
200
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,533
This is what these old guys
wear on the golf course.
201
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,907
I need to fit in.
202
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,493
If they're gonna
swing their dicks,
203
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,908
I have to swing my vag.
204
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:20,246
Leave Candy alone.
She's got that freak Junior on her ass.
205
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,343
I'm gonna bro these
guys' brains out,
206
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:23,918
I'm gonna golf
their cocks off,
207
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,383
then we'll all get wasted
at the steakhouse tonight
208
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,264
where I'm ordering
the Japanese beef,
209
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,641
and then, you know
what I'm gonna do? I'm sendin' it back
210
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,598
for being overdone,
even if it isn't,
211
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:36,218
because that is what
a future Successor does.
212
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,517
Peace!
213
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,100
Isn't it weird
havin' a girl on a guys' trip?
214
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:44,396
Not bad weird.
Just like, bad not as good.
215
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:49,152
Is it "bad" that
I feel like slamming this entire BM right now?
216
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,107
Look at her toss that
celery to the side!
217
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,447
She's not eatin'
that shit!
218
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:54,951
She's one of the boys!
She knows it's garnish!
219
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,204
Technically, the penis
and the clitoris develop from the same organ,
220
00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,957
so I guess I am
one of the boys.
221
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,629
Or maybe you're all one
of the girls! Heyo!
222
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,918
(laughing)
223
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:04,961
Good one,
Candy.
224
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,174
Who cares?
I gotta drain the hog.
225
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:10,125
-I hear that shit.
-Dick full of piss ready to blow, huh?
226
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,296
Candy:
Same, my bros.
227
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,724
Vag full of piss,
ready to blow.
228
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:17,273
Is there a, um, is there
a r-restroom nearby?
229
00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:22,483
Ah, I can hold it!
230
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,652
Candy, don't be silly.
Find a restroom.
231
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:27,440
-It's important. It's pee.
-Candy, let the number one
232
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,105
reindeer help you
take a number one.
233
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,953
-(horn honks)
-My caddy can drive you.
234
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:35,569
Oh, okay, but my Katrina,
she is such a sweetheart.
235
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,828
She asked me,
"Grandma, why can't every day be Grandma Day?"
236
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:42,541
-Now is that some real
cutie-pie shit or what? -(all laughing)
237
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:46,003
(awkward laughs)
Uh, so cute, yes.
238
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:49,165
If I ever get that boring,
smother me in my sleep.
239
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,215
But make sure to tweeze
my facial hair after
240
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,679
in case I have an open coffin.
241
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:56,138
We should save Mrs. Claus
from her boring-ass friends.
242
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,810
Ladies, sorry
to interrupt.
243
00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:59,348
The concierge
inside has a package
244
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,682
from the North Pole,
and they don't know
245
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,346
who it's for.
It's just addressed to
246
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,475
"The World's
Greatest Grandma."
247
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,901
Move it or lose it,
Carol!
248
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,019
I will cut you!
249
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,015
I swear, I'll murder
your grandchild!
250
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,357
Ow!
251
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,532
I wonder who
the package was for?
252
00:10:11,610 --> 00:10:13,360
There was no package.
We just freed you
253
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:14,816
from the boring
nightmare women.
254
00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:15,985
What? Those...
255
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,163
annoying nightmares
256
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:19,542
are my closest
friends.
257
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:20,908
Nobody said
"annoying."
258
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:21,905
That was all you.
259
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,326
You're better
than them.
260
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,334
Let's go do
something fancy!
261
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,207
Whew, all peed out
and ready to rock. Let's go!
262
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:32,625
-Whoops, wrong hole.
-Is that what you tell your wife?
263
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,675
No, ma'am.
I tell her my truth,
264
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,300
which is that
anal rocks.
265
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,930
Cookie:
Mmm, oh my god, this is good.
266
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:46,228
The best kneading
I've had in years.
267
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:49,652
Mrs. Claus, you have
a knot the size of a Christmas ornament!
268
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,232
What do you have
to be stressed about?
269
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,227
You're living the dream.
270
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,108
My life is kinda boring.
271
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:58,235
Schmoozing with dignitaries,
bullshitting with diplomats.
272
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,244
I guess I thought Nick
and I would be partners,
273
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,406
you know, change
Christmas for the better.
274
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,075
-Like Candy.
-Mrs. Claus: Exactly!
275
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,963
When I saw her speak
at the State of the Workshop,
276
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:08,751
it all clicked.
277
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,254
That's who I thought
I would be some day,
278
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:15,087
an agent of change,
but I'm just a wife.
279
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,014
-(laughs)
-Goldie: I get it.
280
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,803
I train like a dog every year,
281
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:21,216
and get treated like
a bitch on Christmas Eve.
282
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,425
It truly sucks shit.
283
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,265
Mmm, the tension
of dreams unrealized.
284
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,732
There is nothing like it.
285
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,864
We were here an hour ago!
You drove in a giant circle!
286
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:35,322
Welp, I guess
we're lost.
287
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:39,123
Let's just stay
in one place until someone finds us.
288
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,948
-Fan of historical fiction?
-Are you fuckin' kidding me?
289
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,744
Shove over.
I'm driving.
290
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,921
-(all laughing)
-Candy: Ah... sorry.
291
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,129
Got a little
turned around at the 18th hole.
292
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,500
All:
Hole!
293
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,166
Okay, what am I missing?
294
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,795
Oh, nothing, just
the inside joke
295
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,471
that will bond us guys,
and not you, forever.
296
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,351
It's a really
funny, smart game Junior made up.
297
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,809
We tweak each
other's balls
298
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,768
whenever someone
says "hole." Oh--
299
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,719
-Hole!
-Oh, I did it!
300
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:06,808
-Tweak, tweak, tweak.
-Hole!
301
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,982
-(laughing)
-That's another.
302
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,271
All:
Hole!
303
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:16,816
-Whoa!
-Dear Lord, I keep forgetting that you're not a small boy!
304
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,452
-(all laughing)
-(Candy groans)
305
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,410
Candy:
Hello, friends. My day sucked.
306
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:22,910
Junior won't
get off my dick,
307
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,292
and everyone
loves him so much.
308
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:27,829
He'll fuck up soon enough.
Ooh, call Junior a...
309
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,173
(whispers):
caribou.
310
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,498
Reindeer freak out at that.
311
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,593
No, I still have Devin's
joke in my back pocket.
312
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,629
And I picked up
these to be safe.
313
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:38,343
The unholy alliance between
vaginas and bathrooms
314
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,344
shall shackle women's
progress no longer!
315
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:42,547
When do we
leave for dinner?
316
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,006
I need time
to iron my tail.
317
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,306
Yeah, there's some bad news.
318
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,559
The dinner tonight is bros only.
319
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:49,691
Well, bros and one ho, me.
320
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:51,978
Going along with
this sexist tradition?
321
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,062
It's against who you are.
322
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,067
I fucking have to!
Don't you get it?
323
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,529
Candy! You just
snapped at me.
324
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,530
This is important!
325
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,571
And you snap
at me all the time!
326
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,494
Because years ago
we all agreed that
327
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,243
I can dish it out,
but I can't take it.
328
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,696
Why is she not
honoring my hypocrisy?
329
00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:08,946
I wish we could talk more,
330
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,578
but I need to
throw on my diaper,
331
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,544
and memorize
a grotesque sexist joke,
332
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,285
so I can save the world
for women everywhere!
333
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,222
I have to confess,
this whole trip,
334
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,218
it's making me...
335
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:24,010
-miss Craig.
-That's gross and dark.
336
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,934
You're not even
the one who got snapped at.
337
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,933
But it triggered me
all the same.
338
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:31,475
When Candy snapped,
it reminded me of when I snap at Craig.
339
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,650
He never snaps back.
He just grumbles,
340
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,229
"crazy fuckin' bitch,"
and walks away.
341
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,525
It's so sweet!
(sighs)
342
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,110
I wonder what
he and Fun Size are doing right now?
343
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,816
That was a fun day
in the sandbox.
344
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:47,026
Now, does Fun Size
wanna hear Daddy tell a story before bed?
345
00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:51,787
This was not the playdate
I was looking for, asshole.
346
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:54,542
Where the fuck is my baby?
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
347
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:59,712
-Hey, massage buds!
-Mrs. Claus!
348
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,927
-You goin' out on the town?
-Oh no, I'm headed back
349
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,678
from an early dinner
with the Carols.
350
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,760
-Wanna get a drink?
-I am horny for friendship.
351
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,427
Am I saying that right?
352
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,056
"Horny"? Can you guys
use that in a sentence?
353
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,563
(laughs)
Hop in!
354
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,943
(indistinct chatter)
355
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,275
What do you gotta do
to flag down a penguin around here?
356
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:26,411
So, should I just,
uh, sit in the middle of the table, or what?
357
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:29,950
My bad.
I told them five, but it's six.
358
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,495
-Um, that's for a baby.
-It is?
359
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:34,790
I swear to God
I did not realize that.
360
00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:36,543
I just thought it
was for a weak adult.
361
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,125
Waiter, can we
get an adult chair,
362
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,210
and 20 to 30 phone books
for the lady, please?
363
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,546
Just-- Stop yelling.
It's fine. I'll-- This is fine.
364
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:47,222
It's actually cool.
It's, uh, less like a high chair for a baby,
365
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,473
and more like
a, a throne for a queen.
366
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,425
Yo, Candy?
You wearin' a diapee?
367
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,425
Uh, yeah, I'm wearing a diaper.
368
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:55,807
-(baby giggles)
-No, of course not.
369
00:14:55,894 --> 00:15:00,114
-Say "night night" 'cause
you're about to go down, elf. -We'll see.
370
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:03,320
Goldie:
Candy's snap was like an alligator, Mrs. Claus.
371
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:07,162
Chomp, chomp, chomp.
I'll never forget it.
372
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,449
Neither will we!
373
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:10,742
You've been talking
about it for an hour.
374
00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:12,656
I know you're upset, Goldie,
375
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,495
but Candy's trying
to make history.
376
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,961
And once she's
named Santa,
377
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,381
she'll have
more time for us.
378
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:22,589
(laughing)
More time?
379
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,761
All Nick has done for 45 years
380
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,470
since becoming
Successor is work!
381
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,091
He doesn't have
time to go to movies,
382
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,218
or have dinner alone with me,
383
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:35,305
let alone, you know,
go down on me.
384
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,692
Actually, it's been 20 years.
385
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,860
What?
How do you 69?
386
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:43,028
Well, we haven't
69'ed since '96.
387
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,738
I remember it was '96 because
it was the night Tupac died.
388
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,370
-So they say.
-Forget about all that now.
389
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,198
You're on vacation.
390
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,333
Let's take this party
to another level!
391
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,831
(dance music playing)
392
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,083
(crowd cheering)
393
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:04,299
Is this it?
Is this dancing? I love it!
394
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:07,217
Santa:
Holy shit, it's me!
395
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,219
An artist
is among us!
396
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,391
Eh, just somethin'
I do with my bros at home all the time.
397
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,721
You're like
a dickless Michelangelo
398
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,387
of smoke ring
blowers!
399
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:20,015
Cardinal Stryker:
It's as beautiful as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
400
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:21,564
Suck on that, asshole.
401
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:25,187
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
My men, watch this!
402
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,783
-(applause)
-(cheers)
403
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,782
You're a wizard
of the smoke!
404
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,914
(Candy coughs and laughs)
405
00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:34,161
Candy:
Bros, bros!
406
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,913
I got an amazing
joke for you. A dirty one.
407
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,575
It's gonna blow
your dicks off.
408
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,424
-Oh, I see Junior's
already heard it. -(table laughing)
409
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,550
So, a pickle, a cucumber,
and a penis sit at a bar.
410
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:47,418
Girls!
It's getting late.
411
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,046
Why not keep
the party going, Mrs. Claus?
412
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:55,135
-Hey, what is your first name?
-Ugh, I hate it.
413
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:57,142
My dad took it hard
when I was born
414
00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:58,604
because he got
a third daughter,
415
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,274
so he named me
after himself...
416
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,943
the son he
always wanted.
417
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:06,782
-Woo! Yes!
-You go, Leonard! Who's a hot bitch?
418
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,949
-Leonard is!
-Woo-hoo!
419
00:17:10,028 --> 00:17:11,278
Candy:
So, the penis says,
420
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,913
"What are you
complaining about--"
421
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,830
They constantly wrap me
in a plastic bag,
422
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:18,118
shove me in a cave,
and make me do push-ups until I throw up!
423
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,873
(laughing)
424
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:23,036
That was my dirty joke!
425
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,785
You're a very
amusing woman,
426
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,797
but dirty jokes
sound better
427
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,799
coming from
a low voice.
428
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,341
And that's why
Vin Diesel
429
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,934
will always be funnier
than Lucille Ball.
430
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,430
(laughing)
431
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,311
Ugh, this is out of control.
432
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,678
The fact that the Board
of a giant company has
433
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,176
this sexist attitude
434
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,687
means we need
big changes at Santa Inc.
435
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,480
Nick!
It's happening again.
436
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:47,613
You promised me
she wouldn't suck like with that last speech.
437
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:51,781
I'm having PTSD
from the swag bag I never got.
438
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,032
Me likey swag.
439
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:56,743
Me likey free
frozen yogurt machine.
440
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,235
Candy, you promised
you wouldn't do this.
441
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,788
Pull it together
and be impressive.
442
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:05,292
Hey, look!
The tiramisu's in the fuckin' house!
443
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,626
(cries)
444
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,513
Mrs. Claus:
Hello there.
445
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:12,510
Hey, Mrs. Claus.
446
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,091
It's weird
we built a whole
447
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,506
tropical villa here
448
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:18,104
when it's even colder
than the North Pole.
449
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,810
(laughs)
450
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,850
What a fucking
waste of money.
451
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,805
What's going on?
You look sad.
452
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,895
This night just showed me
my dream is a fucking joke.
453
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,941
I feel like I should
just spare myself more humiliation,
454
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,186
and just call it a day.
455
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,737
No, you can't!
456
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,411
Before I married Santa,
457
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:39,659
I wanted to
"be the change I wished to see in the world."
458
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,663
You know,
like Gandhi said.
459
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:44,535
I never was
because I gave up.
460
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,213
Don't do what I did.
461
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,541
Yeah, I get it.
462
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:48,996
Though I think that quote
463
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,126
has actually been
misattributed to Gandhi.
464
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,883
See?! That's why
you can't give up!
465
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,386
I misattribute quotes
to Gandhi! You don't!
466
00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:01,059
And obviously,
there's a million other amazing things about you,
467
00:19:01,139 --> 00:19:04,599
but I'm so
fucking wasted.
468
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:09,975
Can you help me...
up, up, up?
469
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,395
Yes, yes, of course.
Let's go.
470
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:15,574
Please don't
give up!
471
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:18,324
(intense music playing)
472
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,331
Ooh, too little.
473
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:28,207
Holy shit!
Nice one.
474
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:32,752
Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me.
475
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,718
Fuckin' fuck. Fuck.
476
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,589
Fuck my balls.
477
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:38,716
Got a four!
478
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:41,512
(laughs)
Oh, that is so cute.
479
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,900
(indistinct chatter)
480
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:49,862
(grunts)
481
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:53,609
♪ ♪
482
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,192
Santa:
Candy's the man!
483
00:19:55,277 --> 00:20:00,447
(chanting):
Candy's the man! Candy's the man!
484
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,122
Okay, okay.
A hole-in-one
485
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,661
from the ladies'
tee is easy,
486
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,705
but from back here,
that takes skill.
487
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,578
-Watch this.
-Aw, he's right, you guys.
488
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:15,547
Oh shit! He whacked that
tiny girl in the face!
489
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,881
Come on!
I didn't even touch her!
490
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,755
She'll never get
a husband now!
491
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:20,592
-Ow, ow, ah!
-Poor, fragile woman!
492
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,807
What if it was
my wife or daughter or Virgin Mary?
493
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,349
Candy:
Don't go into the light, Candy!
494
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:26,852
Jesus Christ!
495
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,604
Candy?
Can you, can you, can you get up?
496
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:31,895
I don't think so.
I'm even weaker than normal.
497
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,360
-Liar!
-You just whacked this
498
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,780
fuckin' woman in the head
with a golf club, dude.
499
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:36,689
We all saw it!
500
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,317
Stop lying
and apologize to her!
501
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,533
Do you know who I am?
Who my father is?
502
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:41,914
We are not liars.
503
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:44,330
-That little piece
of elf trash is the liar! -(gasps)
504
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:47,249
I've spent this whole weekend
winnin' you assholes over,
505
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,119
then, suddenly,
it's all about Candy?
506
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:51,626
Her hole-in-one,
and then her other hole-in-one!
507
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:55,418
Not to mention we just said
"hole" 50 different times,
508
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,134
and no one even
moved to ball tweak!
509
00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,674
What happened
to our inside joke?!
510
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:02,177
Ball tweak, hole!
Ball tweak, ball tweak, hole!
511
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,260
Ball tweak, ball tweak.
Give me them balls!
512
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,346
Get 'em over here, line 'em up!
513
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:07,430
You are outta control, man.
514
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,176
This behavior
is fuckin' bullshit
515
00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:11,937
for both a gentleman
and future Successor.
516
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:13,190
So, fuck you, stop it.
517
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:15,191
Grrr.
518
00:21:15,273 --> 00:21:16,153
(Walrus groans)
519
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:23,906
Hole!
520
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,371
Man, it's hard
to watch Junior come undone like that.
521
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,411
That was fucked up.
522
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:30,874
Chasing the Santa job
fucks with your head.
523
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:32,866
Let's just say that...
524
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,088
I did some shit
I am not proud of.
525
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:39,088
Tell me. I need some gossip
to distract me from this pain.
526
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:41,052
It's like this, I was born fat.
527
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,093
Okay?
As a kid, an adult, always fat.
528
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:46,637
But top heavy, you know,
like, like a big gut,
529
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,062
but... nothin' below really.
530
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,851
And, and I got hung up
about it, you know?
531
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:53,564
N-No kid wants to go
see Santa and tell them what they want for Christmas
532
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,725
sitting on some bony-ass
fuckin' lap, right?
533
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:59,225
So, right before
being named Successor,
534
00:21:59,317 --> 00:22:02,237
when the decision was
still up in the air...
535
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,700
-I got lap implants.
-No shit!
536
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:06,831
Let me
test drive this bitch.
537
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:10,948
Woo! Ho-ho!
It's bouncy!
538
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:13,578
It's cozy!
You'd never know it was fake.
539
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,705
Indestructible, too.
My lap used to look like
540
00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,712
a dick and balls
just like resting on a wire coat hanger.
541
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:20,125
It was fuckin' gross.
542
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:24,223
But now, everything is
pure silicone and titanium.
543
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:26,091
What can I say?
Goin' for the red suit...
544
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,758
it'll make you
do strange things.
545
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,426
Yeah, I know.
546
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:32,484
Oh my god!
You set Junior up.
547
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:34,309
-Is that horrible?
-Yes!
548
00:22:34,394 --> 00:22:35,654
You're playin'
the game, Candy.
549
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:37,769
I'm impressed.
I didn't know you had it in ya.
550
00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:40,186
Honestly, Santa,
neither did I.
551
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,145
Hey, I was
wondering something:
552
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:43,945
did you know anything
about what went on
553
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:46,779
with the Christmas
Spirit bars?
554
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:49,615
You know what? Forget it.
I, I didn't think you did.
555
00:22:50,410 --> 00:22:52,950
(ship horn blows)
556
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:56,118
Look, you guys
haven't talked to me since yesterday and I--
557
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,248
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry about this weekend.
558
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:02,296
You're doing
important shit. We support you.
559
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:03,670
But never snap
again, okay?
560
00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:06,927
It triggers me
to be very upset.
561
00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:09,680
Got it.
Never again.
562
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:12,023
Hey, did I tell you?
The Board said I was
563
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:15,269
"just like one of the guys."
564
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:16,312
Isn't that cool?
565
00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:17,654
I don't know.
Is it?
566
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,819
Yeah! I passed the test!
567
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:22,478
Then we're happy
for you, Candy.
568
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:24,897
Oh look!
There are my guys!
569
00:23:24,986 --> 00:23:28,446
-Oh! I missed you!
-Really?
570
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:29,832
But are you
only being nice
571
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:31,158
because you cheated
and feel guilty?
572
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:33,123
'Cause I'm not being nice
because I fucked up
573
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,543
and lost the baby
or anything like that,
574
00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,621
and like replaced the baby
with an old man or anything,
575
00:23:36,706 --> 00:23:37,786
everything went
fucking fine.
576
00:23:37,874 --> 00:23:40,424
I know you lost
Fun Size at the park.
577
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:42,592
What?
I have a hundred trackers baked into that kid.
578
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,711
He was buried
in the sandbox the whole time.
579
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:47,838
Craig, your wife
is one smart Cookie.
580
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,637
Hey, Grandpa.
What're you doing up?
581
00:23:51,721 --> 00:23:54,021
I only sleep
when every woman in the North Pole
582
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,019
has been sexually satisfied.
You know that.
583
00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:58,602
Right, I forgot.
584
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:00,557
I guess I'm tired
from the jet lag.
585
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:02,977
It's the same time zone,
but drilling through the Earth
586
00:24:03,066 --> 00:24:04,856
-can take it out of ya.
-I get it.
587
00:24:04,943 --> 00:24:07,283
You's is risin' to the top.
588
00:24:08,446 --> 00:24:11,316
(joyful music playing)
589
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:24,298
(heavy metal music playing)
590
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,893
♪ You were like
a father to me ♪
591
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:33,468
♪ Because you were my dad ♪
592
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:36,885
♪ Ever since
your tragic death ♪
593
00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:40,055
♪ My heart it hurts real bad ♪
594
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:42,555
♪ Our dicks were identical ♪
595
00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:45,147
♪ The veins,
the shaft, the girth ♪
596
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:48,283
♪ Our junk separated at birth ♪
597
00:24:48,361 --> 00:24:52,031
♪ Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
598
00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:55,445
♪ Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
599
00:24:55,535 --> 00:25:00,285
♪ Whenever I jerk it,
I'll sing you this song ♪
600
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,669
♪ ♪
601
00:25:06,719 --> 00:25:11,269
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