All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 0208 - The Night of the Bottomless Pit

Let's go.

Help!

You like to swim, eh?

I slipped.
Don't do it again,

if you know
what's good for you.

Keep it nice and low,
Monsieur Couteau.

But I don't get it.

He's letting 'em take him
to Devil's Island.

Yeah. So far, so good.

But why would he want
to spend 20 years in hell?

Probably just a whim.

"Emile Croulac."

Emile Croulac.
To the road gang.

Now then, look alive.

"Henri Couteau."

Henri Couteau.

To the-

To the commandant?

What would the commandant
want with vermin like you?

To join him
for a cup of mint tea

or watercress sandwich,
I suppose.

And make my usual
undercover report

about the inefficiency
of prison personnel.

Alors, I myself

will conduct you
to the commandant.

That's more like it.

Look alive.

How do you do, commandant?

It's a nice place
you have here.

Take it off.

Get into that.

Thank you.
It's, uh-

It's a definite
improvement.

Odd. I thought you'd look older,
Monsieur Couteau.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Maybe in time.

Ah, yes.

Time.

We, um- We have a great
quantity of that around here.

Oh, forgive my lapse of manners.

Th- That is Cochon,

my social director.

And I am Gustave Mauvais,

commandant of our little
retreat.

Our clients usually arrive
at our recreational center

for, oh, various reasons.

Murder most foul,
for instance.

And of course, there's arson.

Embezzlement, if it's
on a grand enough scale.

But yours, monsieur,

your offense, monsieur,

was indeed a monstrous fall
from grace.

Oh, it, uh, wasn't as bad
as all that.

You, uh-
You think not, huh?

Devil's Island',

"beginning a sensational exposé

by that celebrated journalist,
Henri Couteau."

You went so far as to argue
that the colony be abolished,

and to propose a national trial

for that arch villain,
Gustave Mauvais.

It seemed like a pretty good
idea at the time, Mauvais.

Instead of which
you found yourself on trial

for impugning the honor
of your nation.

The verdict was, um,
never in doubt.

Well, I could plead
youthful high spirits.

May I see the rest of that-

Aghh! Egh!

Never reach out
your filthy hand to me.

Understand?

I'm beginning to.

Cochon.

I hope I'm not
interrupting, Gustave.

Oh, nonsense, my dear.

Come in and have a better look
at the young man.

What-
What young man?

I just stopped by
to ask for your opinion.

My gown for the reception:

Uh, the gold brocade
or the beaded one?

Well, they're both
very lovely, my dear.

Whichever you pref-

Fine-featured, hard-muscled,

and that engaging tousled hair

just made to run
your fingers through, huh?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, forgive me, my dear Camille.

May I present our latest guest,
Monsieur Couteau.

My, um- My devoted wife.

I certainly didn't mean
to-

To interrupt.

For you, monsieur,

my wife's entrance was
a most fortunate reprieve.

Let me illustrate
how close you were

to a violent death.

Cochon,

the bench.

Impressive,
is it not, monsieur?

You see, when Cochon
was a young man,

he was unfortunate enough

to lose his right leg
in a train accident.

Don't tell me.

When it came time for him
to choose an artificial limb,

he chose one made of iron.

Precisely.

One, um...

One final word, monsieur.

You saw what happened
to the bench.

The time will come
when I shall say,

"Cochon,

Monsieur Couteau."

And then Cochon's foot of doom

will come whistling your way.

But, uh- But that time
is not yet.

No.

In the meantime,
we must make sure that, uh-

That you enjoy
our island facilities

to the fullest.

The fresh air, pleasant sun,

and all those
joyful little tasks

waiting to be performed.

Until then,

monsieur.

Take it off.

Here we go again.

I'm looking for
a prisoner named Reed.

Get out of here, mon.

Hey, you know a prisoner
named Reed?

Thanks, mate.

Some of these blokes

got a bloody lot to learn
about manners.

So I noticed.

If I can ever
return the favor,

just give me the nod.

You might be able to.

Ever hear of a prisoner
named Reed?

Don't recall the name.

Formal handles
get lost in this hole.

Here.

Hold everything.

I recall now.

He got hauled off
to the pit.

What's that?

Halfway house to hell,
that's what.

Yeah. Dropped out of sight
about two weeks ago.

Anyone buried in the pit
that long...

"Kindly omit flowers,"
as they say.

Really, Monsieur Couteau.

I'm afraid you're rather
an unsettling influence

on our other guests.

I respectfully submit
that you order this-

This man to step aside.

Request denied.

You realize, of course,

that the men pushing
that roller

are traveling blind.

Quite.

Perhaps that is why,

in spite of all
our precautions,

accidents continue to happen.

Now you order the men
to stop that roller

before I soil you for good
with my dirty little hands.

Cochon! Stop it!

Agh! Agh! Aghh!

Well, Monsieur Couteau,

you had us all dancing
to your tune.

Now let's see
about paying the piper.

I think 20 lashes
for our gallant young friend

to start with,

then a prolonged stay
in the pit.

Have a pleasant stay,
Monsieur Couteau.

Vincent Reed, I believe.

Why, yes.

Who are you?

I've been looking for you.

Nature's poultice mud.

Oh, you got some
jim-dandy welts here.

Old Cochon himself
must have taken a hand in it.

Nothing but the best for me,
I always say.

My feelings precisely.

By the way,

you know my name.

What'd you say yours was?

Couteau.

Henri Couteau.

How's the rest of that go?

That's right, isn't it?

You couldn't be righter.

You're James West?

Oh, good Lord. Heh.

I- I can't tell you.
I...

There was no hope for me.
I made myself accept it.

Department wasn't gonna
let you down,

especially after
you kept your cover

all through that
rigged trial in France

and Devil's Island.

I wasn't so sure,

as my date with
Matilda the guillotine

grew closer and...

Yeah, I'm a lucky fella.

The big day is...

approximately 18 hours
from now.

18 hours from now.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Waaaagh!

What's that?

Le Fou.

He's been here too long.

Well, in his own way,

he's managed to escape
his environment.

I almost envy him.

Don't envy him.

You'll be doing the same thing
very shortly.

What do you mean?

How? It'll take
some kind of a miracle.

Nowadays, miracles come
in the oddest shapes and sizes.

On your feet.

Stand at attention.

"And so the bearer
of this letter,

"Pierre Gaspard, is hereby
assigned to guard duty

"at the prison
on Devil's Island

for a term at the discretion
of the commandant."

Hmm.

Pierre Gaspard.

That salute is just about
what I'd have expected

from one
with your service record.

My record?

Is something wrong
with my record, commandant?

"Fighting in barracks,

"theft from company funds,
drunk on duty,

"malingering,

"insolence to superiors.

"discharged from the Foreign
Legion

for the good of the service."

Oh, that is quite
an accomplishment,

to be thrown out
of the Foreign Legion.

Yes, well-

Well, uh, just a knack,
I suppose.

All in all,

this is one of the worst
service records I've ever seen.

It's a testimony
to your treachery,

cowardice, cruelty

and dishonesty.

You should do well here.

Thank you, commandant.

I know I'll like it here,

very much.

Splendid.

Of course,
we can't hope to rival

the metropolitan
establishments.

No, no, not at all.
Your place is charming,

absolutely charming.

Thank you, Gaspard.

And we do have
our little diversions

from time to time.

I hope you noticed Matilda
in the square.

Oh, who could overlook
something that beautiful?

Well, when do I start?

Oh, there's the rub.

Yeah. There's still
the nagging question

of your suitability
for guard duty,

but that's easily settled.

You see, um,

I suffer from
an embarrassment of riches.

Yes.

There are, uh,

two other applicants
for the same job.

Oh.

Both of them, like yourself,
with sterling characters

and the kind
of impressive records

that our organization
absolutely demands.

However, we have
an amusing way

of settling
these little contretemps.

The solution?

The Chamber of Togetherness.

The other two gentlemen
are already inside waiting.

You will enter,
the door will be bolted shut,

and, um,

after an appropriate period
of meditation,

one of you will emerge.

That one gets the job.

Agreed?

It seems eminently fair to me.

Splendid.

Hi, fellas.

First we get rid
of that one, agreed?

Agreed.

Oh, now gentlemen,
gentlemen.

Look,

why don't we all
just sit down calmly,

discuss our differences
like sane, reasonable people

who are prepared to face
their differences

without resorting to anything
like physical violence?

This poor Gaspard.

Yes.

It's a pity in a way.

On the other hand,

I never really quite trusted him
in spite of his record.

I seem to detect some
lingering shred of decency.

Ah, then you were saying,
commandant?

Welcome home, Gaspard.

That was- That was-

Oh. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Hey.

You down there.

On your feet
and snap into a salute.

I have seen filthy pits
in my time,

but this pit-

Pound for pound
and smell for smell,

this is the filthiest

and least fragrant hole
in the lot.

Of all the places
I've seen.

Now, listen.

By tomorrow morning,

I expect to see it
not merely spick,

but span.

Idiot.

What's the matter,

don't you like
hard-boiled eggs?

Interesting.

What is?

Well, the kind of punishment
the authorities give out here.

A man tries to escape,

and ends up
in milady's boudoir.

You've got it all wrong,
Monsieur Couteau.

You're not being punished
for trying to escape.

I've been trying
to escape for years.

Ah, I'm beginning
to see daylight.

Then the exciting episode
of the guards

foiling my attempt
to escape was, uh, staged,

shall we say?

Of course.

Your escape merely
saved them the trouble

of releasing you
and bringing you here.

Fantastic.

Not really.

I've never found it
too difficult

to win men's loyalty.

Somehow I believe you.

Join forces with me.

We'll escape together.

Nothing personal,
madame, but-

Oh, please,

call me Camille.

As I was saying,

when it comes to breaking out
of dungeons, Camille,

I prefer to work alone.

Well, you're strong,

probably brave too,

but you can't escape alone.

Too many have tried
and failed.

I can arrange
for a boat, maps,

money to buy provisions.

Everything, it would seem,
except your husband's blessing.

But be assured, my dear,
your-

Your spirited appeal
moves me deeply.

Uh, let me guess.

You resent another man
in your wife's, uh, boudoir.

It would be useless
to deny it.

You see, periodically,
I allow my loving wife

the, uh-

The indulgence to think

that she's about
to make her escape.

You're not the first
young stalwart

she's tried to enlist
in her campaign.

Gustave, let me go, please.

You've got a whole island
full of people you can torture.

You don't need me.

Fire ants.

Precisely.

So named because their bite
calls to mind pincers,

heated red-hot in a fire.

I'll let you know
if your description's accurate.

Most kind of you.

This is the regular route

the little beasties take
at break of day.

Should anything happen
to be in their path...

Like an object like me.

Precisely.

As in the case
of, uh, Hercule, here,

another of my wife's
would-be rescuers.

Oh, I-
I assure you, monsieur,

it will be a most
memorable way to die.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

May I show you something?

Uh, yes, I was wondering
if you had anything

like a music box
or something similar,

suitable as a gift
for a young lady.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The only musical mechanisms
we have are in watches.

Oh, well,
I'd have no need for that.

You see, I already
have one of those.

What a fascinating watch.
Heh.

May I see it?
Of course.

Are you, uh,

interested in watches?

Oh, yes.

I too, am a collector.

Fancy this for a coincidence.

My watch plays
the very same tune.

What about the boat?

All set, Mr. Gordon.

It's waiting in this cove,

stocked with provisions,
maps, instruments,

as per your department's
list of desiderata.

Oh, as a matter of fact,

I think it would
be much too expensive.

You see, uh,

I'd have difficulty
in shipping it as well.

It's your Mr. West.

I think you'd best attend
to him very quickly indeed.

That was playing
it close, Artie.

Those ants were just about
to give me a working over.

Listen, I'm sure it's
a fascinating story, Mr. West,

but there's still the matter
of getting Reed

out of the pokey
before Cochon comes to.

Can you walk?

Not very well.
Let's try running.

Right.

So far so good.

Have a little bit more of
a prisoner shuffle in your walk,

will you, James?

That's better.

Halt.

Keep an eye peeled
for trouble.

All right,
you down there, look alive.

What is it?

Commandant wants
to talk with you.

When he's through with you...

Exactly what is it
that I want to say

to Mr. Reed?

Gentlemen, did you ever
get the feeling

things were closing
in on you?

Good morning, Mr. West.

Did I get that right?

Yes, sir, James West.

And this one
is Artemus Gordon.

As I told you,
all three are members

of the United States
Secret Service.

Thank you, Le Fou.

Le Fou.

Can that be our Le Fou

that we became so fond of
in our little pit?

So it is,

but, uh, rather than strain
your credulity...

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoooo!

Whaaagh!

That's our Le Fou,
all right.

Cleaned up very nicely,
didn't he?

Yes, and, uh, now that
we've settled that question,

may I remind you, Mr. West,

of a promise I once made you.

Perhaps you recall.

Something about Cochon's
foot of doom

or some such melodramatic
nonsense, wasn't it?

You have an excellent
memory, Mr. West.

This way, please.

Now, Mr. West,

you have a pair of fleet legs,

and, I suspect,
an equally agile mind.

It will be
interesting to see

how long they can delay
the inevitable.

At my command, Cochon.

Now.

Bravo, Mr. West.

I'm beginning to think you may
last a little bit after all.

I'll try not
to disappoint you.

Artie, fire when ready.

Fire!

Come on. Over here!

Mr. West.
This way, quickly.

Come on, you first.

Hey, wait.
I'm going too.

Like that?

Oh, that's better.
Much better.

You, um-
You haven't told me, Cochon.

Did you have much trouble

persuading our friend
Mrs. Grimes to talk?

Hmm?

Ah, isn't that sweet?

I wish I'd been there.

However, Mr. West
and his party

should be here soon.

Ah,

just as I thought.

No, no.

No, Cochon.

This is my treat.

Aagh, aagh!
Cochon, quick!

Quick, Cochon.

Cochon, help!

Help, help!

Help! Cochon!

James, my boy,

you'll never guess
who we have approaching

from outside
at this very minute.

Give me a clue, Artie:

Animal, vegetable,
or mineral?

Well, think of silks,
satins, laces,

uh, tassels, blond hair.

Oh, that could be
almost anyone.

How about a feather boa?

Camille.

Right. Wait here.

Enter.
Oh.

Jim.

Oh. Mwah.

I want you and Artemus to be
the first to congratulate me.

Oh, don't tell me
you're getting married.

No. Engaged.

Oh, that's wonderful.

When do we get to meet
the lucky fellow?

Oh.

Hubert?

Oh.

Jim, Artemus,

I want you to meet
the one man

that I've always
waited for,

Hubert Crandy.

I'm- I'm glad to meet you,
gentlemen.

Delighted.

Absolutely delighted.

Delighted.

At least this one
doesn't mind shaking hands.