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LAURIE: Extraordinary!
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Absolutely extraordinary.
3
00:00:04,527 --> 00:00:08,440
I would say that our house
would've been round about here.
4
00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:11,397
And therefore, the front door
would've been over there,
5
00:00:11,487 --> 00:00:13,284
just where that branch of Safeway's is.
6
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And of course, all this would've been our garden.
7
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And, uh, yes, I can remember
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the day that my dog, Hamper, died,
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a Border collie with the loveliest laugh.
It really was the saddest day of my life.
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I remember my father insisting that
he actually was dead. I could hardly believe it.
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Harsh lesson.
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Learnt young.
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Anyway, part of the process of grieving,
of course, is burial,
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00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:38,879
so I would have buried Hamper, I suppose,
round about here, in fact. Yes.
15
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Hello! So much for 1 990s build quality, eh?
16
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Good Lord!
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It's you!
18
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(SINGING)
19
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FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
20
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LAURIE: A bit.
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FRY: Between fact and breakfast,
22
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madness lies, lies, lies...
23
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:09,801
LAURIE: A bit.
24
00:01:09,887 --> 00:01:13,197
FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...
25
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I hate you...
26
00:01:15,527 --> 00:01:16,676
(FRY SOBBING)
27
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As love, rage and aches of the ear.
28
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Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
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Hello. Good evening.
30
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Welcome to another evening
of light comedy, heavy sarcasm,
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medium-weight conversation,
and good, rocking sex.
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Mmm.
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For the next half-an-hour or so,
you're going to be in our hands,
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but we'd like to think of you
as being in our arms, too.
35
00:01:57,727 --> 00:02:02,357
That's right. Snuggled up in your cosy homes,
curtains drawn against the night.
36
00:02:02,447 --> 00:02:05,678
Cup of low-calorie, chocolate-style fluid
by your side.
37
00:02:05,847 --> 00:02:08,919
Your fingers toying with the hair
of your best-beloved in your lap.
38
00:02:09,007 --> 00:02:10,565
Or perhaps you're...
39
00:02:12,647 --> 00:02:14,763
just in some hotel,
40
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:18,357
with nothing but a paper bag and a prostitute
for company.
41
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,325
Or perhaps you're, as I often like to,
you're just standing naked
42
00:02:23,407 --> 00:02:28,561
in front of the mirror, with nothing but a radish
and a whole world of possibilities open to you.
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00:02:29,687 --> 00:02:30,722
Hmm.
44
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:36,805
But whatever your height, age, weight, sex,
racial preference, knee colouring, or cock length,
45
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some of you may be wondering
46
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how my colleague came by this bandage
upon his head.
47
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It's very simple. A nurse put it on.
48
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What my colleague is trying to say,
if he had but the words,
49
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:52,200
is that this afternoon he sustained an accident
to his head.
50
00:02:52,647 --> 00:02:56,959
Vince, run that tape,
if you'd be so careful to do exactly as you're told.
51
00:02:57,607 --> 00:03:02,362
I hereby declare this second episode of
A Bit of Fry and Laurie open.
52
00:03:02,447 --> 00:03:04,244
(DRUM ROLL)
53
00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:06,398
(FANFARE)
54
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:11,641
WOMAN: My God. Sorry.
55
00:03:12,327 --> 00:03:13,919
Um...
56
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,315
Hugh. Hugh, me old Chinese meal,
57
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I must ask you this.
58
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Have you sustained any loss of memory
as a result of that accident?
59
00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:27,078
And I think it only fair to warn you
that if you say, ''What accident?''
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00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,317
I shall squirt lemon juice into you.
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00:03:29,487 --> 00:03:32,797
-None whatever, which is a blessing.
-Oh, that is good news.
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I have lost my memory, though.
63
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BOTH: D'oh!
64
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Can't seem to find a flush, or a handle.
65
00:03:42,927 --> 00:03:43,916
Anybody know?
66
00:03:54,047 --> 00:03:55,526
Now, there.
67
00:03:56,607 --> 00:03:59,167
That is putting coppers back on the beat.
68
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:04,878
I think this idea of lowering the age
of home secretaries is ridiculous.
69
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You know that cling film,
70
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that polythene stuff you put over food?
71
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I love that stuff.
72
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:19,719
I do. I love it.
73
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(MOANS)
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00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,605
I'm thinking about it now.
75
00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:29,997
I had that transport minister
in the back of the cab the other day,
76
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and it took us an hour and a half
just to get down the Embankment.
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And he tapped the window, this one behind me,
that window there, that very one.
78
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He tapped it. He said,
''Oh, cabbie'', he said, ''Why is it taking so long?''
79
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I said, ''It's taking so long, you dozy turd,
80
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''it's taking so long because you have let
the public transport service
81
00:04:50,127 --> 00:04:53,563
''of this country run into the ground.
They've become a standing joke.''
82
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''It's taking so long,'' I said,
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''because you are a cast-iron,
hundred-carat, natural-fibred git!
84
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''Now, get out and walk, before I come round
the back and give you a good hiding.''
85
00:05:05,447 --> 00:05:09,486
Well, I didn't actually say that,
but I should have done. I should have done.
86
00:05:09,847 --> 00:05:14,159
I wrote to my MP a couple of weeks ago.
I said, ''Dear dickhead, you're a wanker.''
87
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I haven't heard back yet.
88
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Now then, I've got a doll here.
89
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Can you show me what it was that he used to do?
90
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He didn't use a doll.
91
00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:30,398
No, no, no, I mean,
92
00:05:31,127 --> 00:05:34,119
I mean, pretend that the doll is you,and then show me what it was...
93
00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:39,361
Right, well, he would take my hand, like that,and he'd move it up and down a few times.
94
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:46,280
Did he threaten you at all, did he make youpromise to keep this little secret of yours?
95
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:47,595
No.
96
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-You don't remember?
-No, I do remember. He didn't threaten me.
97
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Huh. Well, let's just say thatyou don't remember not remembering.
98
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No, I do remember remembering, becauseI remember thinking, ''I must remember this. ''
99
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-You're in denial.
-I'm sorry?
100
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:07,601
''Denial''is what we callthe state you're currently in.
101
00:06:08,127 --> 00:06:10,766
But denial, as everyone knows, is in Egypt.
102
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:18,080
Well, it's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
to introduce some guests onto the show.
103
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:21,318
And first up is
the thoughtless man's thinking man,
104
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the serene love kitten of the caring set,
105
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:27,277
the DayGlo volunteer
of international masturbation.
106
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:30,035
He's the boy they said would never grow up,
107
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the best damn lettuce in the whole salad bowl.
108
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Let's meet, let's greet,
let's something rhyming with ''eat'',
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actor, book farmer and excremental narcissist,
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Kevin McNally.
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00:06:42,287 --> 00:06:44,118
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
112
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(SIGHS)
113
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Kevin.
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-Hello.
-Well put, well put.
115
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Kevin, they tell me
that you're something of an impressionist.
116
00:07:00,127 --> 00:07:03,881
Are they right to tell me that,
or should I have them taken out and shot?
117
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:06,242
Uh, well, you know, Modesty Blaise.
118
00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:09,046
-Well, the floor is yours, Kevin.
-Well, thank you, Stephen.
119
00:07:09,127 --> 00:07:10,116
(FRY CHUCKLING)
120
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-(SCOFFING) ''Denial is in Egypt.''
-Yes, all right.
121
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# She packed my bags last night pre-flight
122
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# Zero hour 9am #
123
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-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
-What?
124
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-Impressionist?
-Impressionist?
125
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:33,199
-He's nothing like Manet, or Renoir, or...
-Monet?
126
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,437
-It's pathetic.
-You're way off, mate.
127
00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:38,200
Oh, no. That was... Sounded more like Elton John
than anything else.
128
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LAURIE: Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
129
00:07:39,407 --> 00:07:41,363
You're in disgrace. Come and sit down.
130
00:07:41,447 --> 00:07:43,756
Hugh, who have you got lying under your tree?
131
00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:46,645
Well, you know, Stephen,
there are many people who can act,
132
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:51,005
many who can sing, many who can dance,
many who can make you laugh,
133
00:07:51,087 --> 00:07:54,523
many who can play the kitchen, knit,
drive to Formula 3 standard,
134
00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:58,600
achieve a grandmaster norm at chess,
fart, and spell the word moccasins.
135
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:02,157
But my following guest is one of that rare breed
136
00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:07,002
who can do none of these things, and less.
She is quite simply quite simple.
137
00:08:07,327 --> 00:08:10,205
Her hair is her own,
and her shoe size never a disappointment.
138
00:08:10,287 --> 00:08:12,642
-Will you please welcome Fiona Gillies.
-FRY: Oh, it isn't.
139
00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:14,080
LAURIE: It is.
FRY: Oh, I never...
140
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:19,282
Fiona, welcome. Welcome.
141
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:22,404
-Okay. Did you not know I'm here?
-FRY: I can't believe this. I can't believe it.
142
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:25,441
(FRY SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
143
00:08:25,527 --> 00:08:27,722
-No don't... Don't sit there! Don't sit there.
-Sorry, sorry.
144
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,559
It's a sort of a Bermuda Triangle, just there.
145
00:08:29,647 --> 00:08:32,684
We had a couple of guests sit there last week,
and they just completely vanished.
146
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:33,836
-No.
-Yeah.
147
00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:36,043
-LAURIE: What? What? What?
-Tell her about the frigates.
148
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The frigates. Yeah, that's right. We had
two Royal Navy frigates, and a rotring pen
149
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also vanish from that precise spot. Yeah.
150
00:08:41,927 --> 00:08:43,804
Though we did find one
of the frigates later, though.
151
00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:45,718
We did, yes.
It had slipped down the back of the sofa.
152
00:08:45,807 --> 00:08:49,436
So now, Fiona, we asked you to tell us
about your favourite TV blooper,
153
00:08:49,527 --> 00:08:51,563
or TV cock-up. Uh, which is it to be?
154
00:08:51,647 --> 00:08:54,719
Well, it's one I actually saw, actually.
155
00:08:54,807 --> 00:08:56,126
-Ooh, ooh.
-What, what?
156
00:08:56,207 --> 00:08:57,322
Two actuallies.
157
00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:00,524
Oh, Fiona, my colleague informs me
that you just used two actuallies.
158
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:04,885
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, it's a clip I actually saw, in fact.
159
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:07,197
I was shooting Anna Karenina in York...
160
00:09:07,287 --> 00:09:10,359
Can I stop you there? Can I stop you there?
161
00:09:10,447 --> 00:09:13,245
When you say, ''Shooting Anna Karenina, ''
162
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you don't actually mean filming, do you?
163
00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:21,557
I mean blowing her brains out
with a 1 2-bore shotgun.
164
00:09:21,647 --> 00:09:25,526
Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to give the viewers
the wrong impression there.
165
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:29,156
You know what it's like
when you're away from home in a strange hotel.
166
00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:34,002
You stand there naked in front of the mirror
with a radish and a whole world of possibilities.
167
00:09:34,087 --> 00:09:35,759
You watch the TV.
168
00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:37,726
Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.
169
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-That's what I said, wasn't it?
-FIONA: Well,
170
00:09:40,287 --> 00:09:42,926
there I was, watching the TV,
171
00:09:43,007 --> 00:09:46,841
and this newsreader
had the most blissful coughing fit.
172
00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:48,679
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona, I must stop you there,
173
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:51,156
because we've actually tracked
this clip down, this blooper,
174
00:09:51,247 --> 00:09:56,002
and I believe that Mr Director up in the gallery
has got it laced up and ready to roll?
175
00:09:56,087 --> 00:09:59,124
-Um, yes, I can confirm he has. He has.
-LAURIE: Oh, it's on? He's got it.
176
00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:03,564
ANNOUNCER: The Local News at Ten Thirty Threeand a Bit.
177
00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,275
Good evening.
178
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:06,800
The main story tonight...
179
00:10:07,087 --> 00:10:08,645
(COUGHING)
180
00:10:11,687 --> 00:10:12,915
I'm so...
181
00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:19,960
I'm sorry...
182
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:23,718
Yes, uh, the main story tonight,
183
00:10:23,807 --> 00:10:26,799
Ronald Satterthwaite of Skipton
announced that the oyster season...
184
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,240
(FRY RETCHING)
185
00:10:43,007 --> 00:10:44,326
I don't...
186
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:47,720
And you, Fiona, you actually saw that, actually.
187
00:10:47,807 --> 00:10:49,001
Did indeed, Stephen, yes.
188
00:10:49,087 --> 00:10:51,521
Yes, I understand
that there was a happy ending to the story.
189
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:54,883
The newsreader was rushed to hospital
but was found to be dead on arrival.
190
00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:57,845
ALL: Which is nice. Which is nice.
191
00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:02,166
Now, Kevin, could I ask you to hand round the
Hula Hoops. There should be enough for one each.
192
00:11:02,247 --> 00:11:05,398
And, uh, Fiona, would you be a love,
193
00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:08,282
and scrub the back steps there?
194
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:12,565
There's a sort of yellowy-brown stain that
my colleague and I just haven't been able to shift.
195
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:14,285
LAURIE: All right? Thanks.
196
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:19,122
And, funnily enough, ''yellowy-brown stains''
links in rather neatly with our next item.
197
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,356
I walked into a shop the other day.
198
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,805
1 4 stitches.
199
00:11:27,847 --> 00:11:30,441
(STUTTERING) You know, I mean,
they're always going about, ''Don't do it''
200
00:11:30,527 --> 00:11:31,880
and, ''Say no'' and all that.
201
00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:33,719
You know, and that... It's just full of shit, innit?
202
00:11:33,807 --> 00:11:38,517
Because, you know, I mean, I don't do, you know,
smack or crack, or anything rhyming with ''ack,''
203
00:11:38,607 --> 00:11:40,723
or, you know, any of the heavy shit.
You know, I do all the rest.
204
00:11:40,807 --> 00:11:43,560
And, you know, I think
they should legalise it, really,
205
00:11:43,647 --> 00:11:45,603
because, you know,
it don't do me any farm-weather pants,
206
00:11:45,687 --> 00:11:49,316
or, you know, smiling cream...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) or onion dealers, do it?
207
00:11:50,887 --> 00:11:54,197
Yes, well, I'm a Capricorn
208
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,684
and my boyfriend's an alcoholic.
209
00:12:02,647 --> 00:12:07,038
Hello, and welcome to English PeopleAppear to be the Most Ignorant in Europe.
210
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,722
This morning, I shall be asking questions
of our three likely contestants,
211
00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:13,446
Dieter Schaummer,
who is a dental technician from Hamburg...
212
00:12:13,527 --> 00:12:14,596
Hello.
213
00:12:14,687 --> 00:12:18,123
...Andrea Larsen,
who is a dental technician from Oslo...
214
00:12:18,207 --> 00:12:19,242
Hi.
215
00:12:19,327 --> 00:12:24,447
...and finally, Colin Mint, who is a dental
technician from Tunbridge Wells in Kent.
216
00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:26,085
(MUMBLING)
217
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:29,000
Right, well, let's go straight into the first round.
Dieter, your question.
218
00:12:29,087 --> 00:12:33,683
Who am I? I am a female journalist who
came to fame in the 1 960s presenting Blue Peter.
219
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:36,600
-Valerie Singleton.
-Correct, Dieter. Andrea, your question.
220
00:12:36,687 --> 00:12:40,236
Who am I? I am an Underground station
on London's Northern Line,
221
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,841
situated between Warren Street
and Tottenham Court Road.
222
00:12:42,927 --> 00:12:44,519
-Goodge Street.
-Correct, Andrea.
223
00:12:44,607 --> 00:12:46,245
Colin, your question. Are you ready?
224
00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:47,316
Mmm.
225
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,723
(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
226
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,404
Go on, Colin. Have a guess.
227
00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:01,240
Um, Simon Mayo?
228
00:13:03,487 --> 00:13:07,799
The answer I have on my card, Colin, I'm afraid,
is General Agreement on Tariff and Trade.
229
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,798
Never mind. Second round.
230
00:13:10,327 --> 00:13:12,045
Have a look at this.
231
00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:27,565
# She's got eyes like diamonds
232
00:13:27,847 --> 00:13:29,963
# Hair like twisted gold
233
00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:33,002
# When she looks up to me
234
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,997
# I feel my blood run cold
235
00:13:36,807 --> 00:13:39,719
# No, I don't care if people laugh
236
00:13:40,647 --> 00:13:42,239
# Ha ha
237
00:13:42,927 --> 00:13:46,681
# I'm in love with Steffi Graf
238
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:51,560
# I watched her all last summer
239
00:13:51,967 --> 00:13:53,923
# I watched her every day
240
00:13:55,087 --> 00:13:57,681
# She knew that I was with her
241
00:13:58,007 --> 00:14:00,316
# She didn't have to say
242
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:04,358
# She can run but she can't hide
243
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:11,165
# She knows I feel deep down inside
244
00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:15,080
# That Steffi is an angel
245
00:14:15,247 --> 00:14:20,162
# But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me
246
00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,085
# She's extremely good at tennis
247
00:14:27,247 --> 00:14:31,240
# On any kind of surface there might be
248
00:14:32,887 --> 00:14:34,684
# Clay or grass
249
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,677
# She'll flay your ass
250
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:43,640
# When she hits that topspin second serve
251
00:14:45,327 --> 00:14:50,117
# I think I know the meaning now of love
252
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,676
# East Bonn never was her favourite
253
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:57,597
# The outside courts were damp
254
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:01,006
# She had a hamstring problem
255
00:15:01,127 --> 00:15:03,687
# And recurring muscle cramp
256
00:15:03,767 --> 00:15:07,680
# But she dug deep and won it just the same
257
00:15:10,287 --> 00:15:13,757
# My angel never lost a service game
258
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:19,005
# But now a shadow in the distance
259
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,404
# A girl with ponytail
260
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:24,755
# 1 6 and full of hunger
261
00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:27,802
# The end of Steffi's trail
262
00:15:28,167 --> 00:15:31,364
# I can't wait for her defeat
263
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:37,921
# I fetch a knife and take my seat
264
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:42,165
# 'Cause Steffi is a goddess
265
00:15:43,327 --> 00:15:47,240
# My love for her, it knows no bounds
266
00:15:51,407 --> 00:15:54,240
# I'd kill to make her happy
267
00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:59,322
# Or just to get her through the early rounds
268
00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:01,759
# Kill or maim
269
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:05,076
# It's just a game
270
00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:11,119
# But if I had another life I'd choose
271
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:16,316
# To come back as one of Steffi's shoes
272
00:16:18,647 --> 00:16:21,525
# 'Cause Steffi is an angel
273
00:16:21,687 --> 00:16:25,965
# But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me #
274
00:16:28,647 --> 00:16:30,046
(APPLAUSE)
275
00:16:37,087 --> 00:16:38,440
Ready?
276
00:16:43,487 --> 00:16:46,081
FRY: Welcome to The Lover's Helper.
277
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:48,806
In the course of this cassette tape,
278
00:16:48,887 --> 00:16:53,597
I'll be telling you about a number of techniquesyou can use to improve your love life,
279
00:16:53,687 --> 00:16:56,963
bringing you and your partner closer than ever.
280
00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:02,639
The first section of this coursedeals with foreplay. In this...
281
00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:04,524
(CASSETTE FAST-FORWARDING)
282
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:07,206
(CASSETTE REWINDING)
283
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,841
In this section,I want to deal with some techniques
284
00:17:10,927 --> 00:17:13,600
that can help you arouse your partner.
285
00:17:14,007 --> 00:17:17,158
Start off by simply holding each other.
286
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,561
Now try stroking your partner.
287
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:28,003
The key thing to rememberat this point is relaxation.
288
00:17:28,687 --> 00:17:29,722
(BOTH EXHALING)
289
00:17:29,807 --> 00:17:31,957
If you're feeling very relaxed,
290
00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:36,677
now might be a good timefor the man to touch the woman's breasts.
291
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:40,238
But remember to be gentle.
292
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:44,679
Touch them as gently as you can.
293
00:17:49,487 --> 00:17:52,923
Try moving one of your handsgently up and down.
294
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,919
Does that feel good?
295
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,676
Now it's the woman's turn.
296
00:18:02,887 --> 00:18:05,082
Put your hands on his bottom.
297
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:13,845
Perhaps you might give his bottom a squeeze.
298
00:18:15,647 --> 00:18:19,276
Now, during all of this,I hope you'll have been kissing.
299
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,565
But kissing doesn't just have to be on the mouth.
300
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:26,760
Some people like to kiss their partnersall over their bodies.
301
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:32,315
Who knows, if things are going really well,
302
00:18:32,407 --> 00:18:35,638
you might even end upnibbling your partner's toes.
303
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:41,286
If it feels good,
304
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:45,042
this may be the right timeto start thinking about intercourse.
305
00:18:51,727 --> 00:18:55,561
You know, there's been a lot of stuff
in the news recently about the rise of fascism.
306
00:18:55,647 --> 00:18:58,559
It's the next big thing, they say.
But what exactly is fascism?
307
00:18:58,647 --> 00:19:00,763
What kind of music do fascists listen to?
308
00:19:00,847 --> 00:19:02,838
What do they wear? Are there clubs you can go to?
309
00:19:02,927 --> 00:19:06,158
Well, now, Kevin, you're a bit
of an old fascist from way back.
310
00:19:06,247 --> 00:19:07,839
Tell me, what's it all about?
311
00:19:07,927 --> 00:19:11,158
Well, I suppose the first thing
that got me into fascism was the uniform.
312
00:19:11,247 --> 00:19:14,284
Right, have you got your uniform with you at all?
313
00:19:15,407 --> 00:19:18,080
-Well, I'm wearing it now.
-Oh, that's it, is it?
314
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,601
-Oh, I see. Yeah.
-Yeah, it's comfortable, it's hard-wearing,
315
00:19:20,687 --> 00:19:22,996
and I just... I don't know,
I just think I look good in it.
316
00:19:23,087 --> 00:19:25,726
You do, Kevin, you look absolutely fabulous, yeah.
317
00:19:25,807 --> 00:19:29,516
If I was homosexual,
I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.
318
00:19:29,607 --> 00:19:32,838
Well, thanks.
If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
319
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:34,764
-As it is, I like birds.
-Me too.
320
00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:36,485
Right, now we've got...
321
00:19:37,327 --> 00:19:39,557
We've got someone on the line. I think it's Anna.
322
00:19:39,647 --> 00:19:40,921
Hello, Anna, are you there?
323
00:19:41,007 --> 00:19:42,122
-ANNA: Hello?
-Anna, hi.
324
00:19:42,207 --> 00:19:44,277
-Hello, Anna.
-What's your question for Kevin?
325
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:47,803
-Kevin, could you give my mum a wave?
-Certainly.
326
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,081
Yeah, what's your question for Kevin, Anna?
327
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:55,955
Kevin, what sort of music do you listen to?
328
00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:58,515
Yeah, no, uh, that's quite a good question,
actually, Anna.
329
00:19:58,607 --> 00:20:02,759
Yeah, Kevin, what is your bag, what's your thing,
what's your scene? What's your...
330
00:20:02,847 --> 00:20:06,556
I suppose what Anna's really asking is,
what kind of music do you listen to?
331
00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:10,879
Oh. Well, it's all sorts really, Anna. Uh, military
music, marching bands, and a lot of Wagner.
332
00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:13,401
-Yeah, 'cause of course, Hitler liked all that stuff.
-Well, absolutely.
333
00:20:13,487 --> 00:20:14,886
Yeah. Does that answer your question, Anna?
334
00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:17,037
-Well...
-Yeah, cheers, love.
335
00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:21,000
Now, for those of you watching at home,
it's worth pointing out
336
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,885
that Hitler was quite a big name
in the fascism business
337
00:20:23,967 --> 00:20:25,764
way back in the, what, early '70s, was it?
338
00:20:25,847 --> 00:20:28,156
-No, earlier than that, even.
-What, even earlier than that?
339
00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:30,807
So he's, like, right in there at the beginning,
like a kind of Elvis figure.
340
00:20:30,887 --> 00:20:32,115
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's...
341
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:34,357
That's really interesting.
Now, tell me something about Hitler,
342
00:20:34,447 --> 00:20:36,358
'cause there has been a lot of stuff
written about him,
343
00:20:36,447 --> 00:20:39,166
you know, a lot of magazine profiles.
What kind of guy was he, do you think?
344
00:20:39,247 --> 00:20:42,159
Oh, he was a wild guy,
and a little bit strict, in a funny sort of way.
345
00:20:42,247 --> 00:20:43,362
Yeah, I've heard that.
346
00:20:43,447 --> 00:20:45,483
I'd heard he really liked to
live out there on the edge.
347
00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:47,080
-Oh, absolutely.
-That's really interesting.
348
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:50,364
Did he have a philosophy at all?
Was he a John-Lennony kind of guy?
349
00:20:50,447 --> 00:20:54,804
Well, I suppose that the supremacy
of the Aryan race was his sort of inspiration.
350
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:56,718
Yeah, and a sort of segregational kind of thing.
351
00:20:56,807 --> 00:20:59,241
-Racial purity.
-Racial purity, all that sort of stuff.
352
00:20:59,327 --> 00:21:01,921
-Yeah, but then, tragically, he died, didn't he?
-Yeah, I'm afraid so.
353
00:21:02,007 --> 00:21:04,885
-Yeah, what was it? Was it drugs? I think I heard...
-No, he shot himself.
354
00:21:04,967 --> 00:21:08,323
Oh, he shot himself? Oh, that's really sad.
Yeah. Yeah.
355
00:21:08,407 --> 00:21:10,557
I guess he must have been really depressed.
356
00:21:11,727 --> 00:21:14,764
Depression... Depression is
a terrible thing. Terrible thing.
357
00:21:15,047 --> 00:21:17,561
I've been depressed now for 1 4 years.
358
00:21:17,647 --> 00:21:19,000
Can't shake it off.
359
00:21:19,087 --> 00:21:23,603
My wife says I should kill myself,
but it's just a coward's way out, you know.
360
00:21:23,687 --> 00:21:27,680
I did try it once, though.
Locked myself in the garage, started the car.
361
00:21:28,647 --> 00:21:31,002
Bloody thing had a catalytic converter.
362
00:21:31,087 --> 00:21:33,806
Came out after seven hours
with a slight headache.
363
00:21:33,887 --> 00:21:35,718
But mustn't grumble
364
00:21:37,247 --> 00:21:39,317
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
365
00:21:39,407 --> 00:21:40,556
Hello?
366
00:21:44,447 --> 00:21:46,677
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
367
00:21:46,887 --> 00:21:49,879
I expect the others will turn up in a minute.
368
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,643
In the meantime,
369
00:21:53,727 --> 00:21:58,039
it rather looks as if I'm sort of on my own.
370
00:21:58,247 --> 00:22:00,124
FRY: That's right, my dear.
371
00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:03,119
You are quite, quite alone.
372
00:22:03,207 --> 00:22:04,560
Who's that?
373
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:06,758
(GERMAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
374
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:13,037
MAN: A fog has settled on the moorand may not lift for days.
375
00:22:13,287 --> 00:22:15,118
Who is there? Show yourself!
376
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:18,518
Oh, come, my dear, don't say you've forgotten me.
377
00:22:18,607 --> 00:22:20,563
Forgotten who? What?
378
00:22:20,847 --> 00:22:23,884
Welwyn Garden City, 1 9 74,
379
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:26,317
Debenhams car park.
380
00:22:26,407 --> 00:22:27,476
Max!
381
00:22:27,807 --> 00:22:29,445
I waited, Fiona.
382
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:32,400
I waited a long, long time.
383
00:22:32,487 --> 00:22:34,125
But you never came.
384
00:22:34,207 --> 00:22:36,880
Why didn't you come, Fiona?
385
00:22:37,007 --> 00:22:38,599
I waited.
386
00:22:38,687 --> 00:22:41,804
The traffic, I had a flat headache.
387
00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:45,005
My wife turned up, the fire burnt down.
388
00:22:45,207 --> 00:22:47,767
Oh, what's the use?
389
00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:51,762
Oh, Max, Max, Max!
390
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:56,036
I've waited a long time for this moment, Fiona.
391
00:22:56,607 --> 00:23:00,839
-Max, I'm so sorry.
-''Sorry''? ''Sorry''?
392
00:23:00,927 --> 00:23:04,715
You leave me with three bags
of quite heavy shopping,
393
00:23:04,807 --> 00:23:08,880
run off to Paris
with your lover-boy dancing laugher,
394
00:23:08,967 --> 00:23:11,879
and then tell me that you're sorry?
395
00:23:11,967 --> 00:23:14,322
Oh, Max, you don't understand.
396
00:23:14,487 --> 00:23:17,126
I was young. I was in love.
397
00:23:17,327 --> 00:23:21,161
You broke me. You broke me into a thousand...
398
00:23:21,247 --> 00:23:23,807
Fiona, my colleague, what's going on?
399
00:23:23,887 --> 00:23:25,320
-Oh, nothing, nothing.
-Nothing at all.
400
00:23:25,407 --> 00:23:27,557
(TITTERING) No, we were just, um... Just chatting.
401
00:23:28,487 --> 00:23:32,400
Fiona, I must say, you look absolutely fabulous.
Alive, feline, arousing.
402
00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:34,365
No, that's Fiona.
403
00:23:41,367 --> 00:23:43,323
Yes, all right, you know?
404
00:23:43,407 --> 00:23:46,717
It's a sketch in a hospital ward. I'm so sorry.
405
00:23:46,807 --> 00:23:51,756
I'm so sorry that we're not breaking moulds
and deconstructing forms
406
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:54,805
and drinking strange new types of lager
in underground bars
407
00:23:54,887 --> 00:23:56,684
with tight hipster jeans hanging off our earlobes.
408
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:58,120
I'm so sorry,
409
00:23:58,207 --> 00:24:01,404
you know, that we haven't raised
interesting cultural questions.
410
00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:03,239
I'm so nose-blowingly sorry.
411
00:24:03,327 --> 00:24:05,318
-You're not sorry at all.
-Damn bloody right, I'm not.
412
00:24:05,407 --> 00:24:08,797
It's a hospital room, all right?
He's a doctor, he's a patient. Oh, dear!
413
00:24:08,887 --> 00:24:10,115
Oh, arsing dear!
414
00:24:10,207 --> 00:24:13,085
What a disappointment.
Where are the challenged perceptions there?
415
00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:16,045
I don't wonder for a single hair-gelled,
416
00:24:16,127 --> 00:24:18,277
Time Out-reading, bloody minute.
417
00:24:19,007 --> 00:24:20,679
-Say ''ah.''
-Ah.
418
00:24:20,767 --> 00:24:22,325
-Say ''twim.''
-Twim.
419
00:24:22,567 --> 00:24:24,000
-Twim.
-Twim.
420
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:26,157
-Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
-Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
421
00:24:26,247 --> 00:24:27,362
-Twim.
-Twim.
422
00:24:27,447 --> 00:24:30,280
They do still exist, you know, hospitals.
423
00:24:30,367 --> 00:24:34,246
Just 'cause a lot of twats in black polo necks
fart their way through the Late Show,
424
00:24:34,327 --> 00:24:37,717
talking about ''the dark underbelly
of British social repression''
425
00:24:37,807 --> 00:24:39,126
doesn't mean hospitals don't exist,
426
00:24:39,207 --> 00:24:41,004
and that people don't go to them
when they're feeling ill...
427
00:24:41,087 --> 00:24:42,156
-Hugh.
-What?
428
00:24:42,247 --> 00:24:43,680
Get out.
429
00:24:44,167 --> 00:24:45,202
Well, Doctor?
430
00:24:45,287 --> 00:24:46,322
''Well, Doctor.'' Yes.
431
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:50,719
Well, the situation is this. We do have a new heart
standing by, ready to go in.
432
00:24:50,807 --> 00:24:52,365
A very nice heart it is, too.
433
00:24:52,447 --> 00:24:54,756
Red, which I always think
is the only colour for a heart.
434
00:24:54,847 --> 00:24:56,519
No, that side of things is all fine.
435
00:24:56,607 --> 00:24:57,676
Oh, thank God.
436
00:24:57,767 --> 00:25:00,156
But, and it's a pretty fat ''but,''
437
00:25:00,807 --> 00:25:02,445
you're a smoker, aren't you, Mr Spears?
438
00:25:02,527 --> 00:25:05,246
-Well, I occasionally...
-You occasionally smoke cigarettes, yes.
439
00:25:05,327 --> 00:25:07,682
-Is that a problem?
-Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.
440
00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,600
Puts me in a hell of a position.
Mr Twovey doesn't smoke, you see.
441
00:25:10,687 --> 00:25:12,917
-Mr Twovey?
-Yes, nice chap, two rooms down,
442
00:25:13,007 --> 00:25:15,157
came in yesterday.
He's also hoping for a new heart,
443
00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:16,521
and he's never smoked in his life.
444
00:25:16,607 --> 00:25:19,326
Well, he smoked once,
but didn't inhale, so he says.
445
00:25:19,407 --> 00:25:23,036
So, you mean the one heart you've got,
you're going to give it to Mr Twovey?
446
00:25:23,127 --> 00:25:25,197
No, no, not necessarily.
As I say, he's a nice enough chap.
447
00:25:25,287 --> 00:25:27,164
But, by God, you should see him eating soup.
448
00:25:27,247 --> 00:25:28,396
Soup?
449
00:25:28,487 --> 00:25:31,718
Oh, revolting sight. Slurping,
and sucking, and spilling all over the place.
450
00:25:31,807 --> 00:25:33,126
-Quite revolting.
-Yes?
451
00:25:33,207 --> 00:25:36,961
Now, I've seen you eating soup, Mr Spears,
and it's rather an attractive sight.
452
00:25:37,047 --> 00:25:39,800
You know, you hold the spoon properly,
tilt the bowl away from you,
453
00:25:39,887 --> 00:25:42,117
suck out of the side of the spoon,
not out of the end.
454
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,767
Yeah, all together very neat about it,
very neat indeed.
455
00:25:44,847 --> 00:25:47,407
-So?
-So, I would say, you're about even on that score.
456
00:25:47,487 --> 00:25:49,557
'Course, you don't dress as well as Mr Twovey.
457
00:25:49,647 --> 00:25:51,763
Gerald does a lot of good work in the community.
458
00:25:51,847 --> 00:25:54,759
-I'm so sorry?
-He's very active within the community.
459
00:25:54,847 --> 00:25:57,361
Yes, I've never really been sure
what that phrase means.
460
00:25:57,447 --> 00:26:00,041
I mean, burglars are very active
within the community, aren't they?
461
00:26:00,127 --> 00:26:02,277
Well, Gerald once met Esther Rantzen.
462
00:26:02,367 --> 00:26:04,642
-Did you?
-Yes, but I didn't inhale.
463
00:26:04,727 --> 00:26:06,718
(INHALING DEEPLY) I feel so shitty.
464
00:26:07,647 --> 00:26:10,207
Eany-meany-miney-mo...
465
00:26:10,647 --> 00:26:11,636
(WHISPERING)
466
00:26:14,527 --> 00:26:16,040
Oh, now that is good news.
467
00:26:16,127 --> 00:26:19,517
My nurse informs me
that a new heart has just come in,
468
00:26:19,607 --> 00:26:21,199
so we can, in fact, service you both.
469
00:26:21,287 --> 00:26:24,165
-Never!
-Oh, thank God. Can I kiss you, Doctor?
470
00:26:24,247 --> 00:26:26,966
If I can punch you violently in the throat, then yes.
471
00:26:27,047 --> 00:26:29,959
Now, um, since I'm here,
I might as well give you first choice.
472
00:26:30,047 --> 00:26:32,607
Of the two hearts, the first is...
473
00:26:32,687 --> 00:26:36,077
It's from a young squash player from Aberdeen,
about 25 years old.
474
00:26:36,167 --> 00:26:39,603
And the new heart that's just come in
is from a 65-year-old cabinet minister.
475
00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:41,166
Which would you...
476
00:26:41,407 --> 00:26:43,967
Definitely, I think the cabinet minister.
477
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:46,279
May I ask why?
478
00:26:46,367 --> 00:26:48,562
Because it's never been used.
479
00:26:59,647 --> 00:27:02,366
Say, Hugh. Do you know the way to San Jose?
480
00:27:03,287 --> 00:27:04,845
(PLAYING DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE)
481
00:27:04,927 --> 00:27:08,158
No, Hugh...
God, you ask a perfectly civil question...
482
00:27:08,887 --> 00:27:11,640
Not his fault. He's a little hard of understanding.
483
00:27:11,967 --> 00:27:13,798
Uh, my colleague, my guests,
484
00:27:14,287 --> 00:27:16,926
um, I've just been on the telephone
to the slim controller,
485
00:27:17,007 --> 00:27:19,999
and I begged him to allow us
to go beyond our allotted time,
486
00:27:20,087 --> 00:27:21,725
but I'm sorry to say that
487
00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:24,526
he was hard, he was inflexible,
and he was very hot.
488
00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:27,485
And that means that we're going to have to draw
489
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:32,118
another thick woollen scarf
over yet another week of fun, temptation and pain.
490
00:27:32,207 --> 00:27:33,435
Well, you know, Stephen, that's very sad...
491
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:34,562
-Hugh.
-What?
492
00:27:34,647 --> 00:27:36,126
Shut your neck.
493
00:27:38,727 --> 00:27:42,959
Now, my guests, have you made
your cocktail selection this evening?
494
00:27:43,847 --> 00:27:45,678
-You ever had avocado?
-Maybe.
495
00:27:45,767 --> 00:27:48,281
(MURMURING)
496
00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:52,645
I would like a long confident suck, please.
497
00:27:53,767 --> 00:27:56,486
-You've selected a long confident suck.
-Yes, please.
498
00:27:56,567 --> 00:27:58,239
A very wise, if I may say so, decision.
499
00:27:58,327 --> 00:28:01,876
It would be my honour and my privilege
to prepare it for you.
500
00:28:01,967 --> 00:28:05,277
Now, for a long confident suck,
you need a tall glass,
501
00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:09,642
tall spoon, a tall barman, that's me.
502
00:28:11,007 --> 00:28:14,761
You need a sugar lump steeped
in Angostura bitter, a pitted olive,
503
00:28:15,007 --> 00:28:19,080
a handful of Rice Krispies.
They must be Rice Krispies. Ricicles won't do.
504
00:28:20,607 --> 00:28:22,882
To this, you add a full measure of gin,
505
00:28:23,767 --> 00:28:25,723
a full measure of Fernet-Branca,
506
00:28:26,447 --> 00:28:28,517
a full measure of cooking yogurt,
507
00:28:29,887 --> 00:28:31,639
a full measure of Drambuie,
508
00:28:32,687 --> 00:28:35,121
with or without, it doesn't really matter.
509
00:28:35,207 --> 00:28:38,358
And, least important of all, some fried water.
510
00:28:40,647 --> 00:28:43,639
However, the most vital ingredient is missing,
and will be delivered
511
00:28:43,727 --> 00:28:45,365
when I say these words.
512
00:28:45,887 --> 00:28:48,685
Please, Mr Music, will you play?
513
00:28:49,287 --> 00:28:51,278
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
514
00:29:11,047 --> 00:29:12,878
(IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
515
00:29:39,807 --> 00:29:41,525
Soupy twist.
43937
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