All language subtitles for Louie.Anderson.Big.Underwear.2018.1080p.WEBRip_English

[upbeat music]

Here we go.

Let's see how strong
these guys are.

♪

[man]
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Louie Anderson!

[cheers and applause]

♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Please sit down.

Shouldn't every day
start like that?

I mean, you come down
for breakfast, the applause,

"Ahh, he's here.
Oh, God, he's here.

There's toast!
There's--"

Every time you come back
in the kitchen they,

"Oh!
There's coffee!

Let's have it out.

There's flavored creamer."

When did they start
flavoring the creamer?

It just happened one day.

"Hazelnut?

I don't think so."

Then they got worse with it.

"Caramel 'macicaca'?

Is that caramel macicaca?

That sounds like me.

I love a little
caramel macicaca."

And you don't think it--
you know, I was off it

for a long time.
I gotta be honest with ya.

I was off the whole thing.
I was--turned into my dad.

"I don't want any of that
creamer crap.

I just want--
I like a little spoiled milk

in mine for God's sakes.

You got any buttermilk?
Can I throw a little buttermilk?

Don't throw
the spoiled milk out.

I'm using it now
as a creamer.

And a face cream.
I gotta..."

And then one day,
I don't know, I was weak.

Tired.

I just put a little
flavored creamer.

Then I turned into a cat.
[mumbling]

It's fun to watch
cats clean themselves.

I'm gonna start
cleaning myself like that.

Cats love fat people, my.

You show up at somebody's house
and they got a cat,

they're right over there
doing the elliptical on ya.

"Hey, fatty.

How are you?"

Oh, what a beautiful day,
wasn't it?

You know,
if you're bummed out.

Something must be wrong with me
'cause when it's overcast

I go,
"Oh, that's better.

That's better."

I like it.

I just go right into it.
[grumbles]

I turn into my dad.
[grumbles]

"You all right?"
"[grumbles]"

[chuckles]
So funny.

Everywhere I fly to,
you know what?

If it's raining,
this is my favorite thing.

"We need the rain."

No matter where I go.

"We need the rain.
We needed the rain.

I know it flooded,
but we needed it.

We need the rain.

The farmers needed the rain."

They'll throw that in, too.
"The farmers...

need it."
Like you knew--

Like, "How do you know that?"
"I know.

I'm tied into agriculture.

Farmers need it.

I like the rain."

"Get out."

You know where
they don't need the rain?

On that show
Naked and Afraid.

It's always raining.
"We're trying to start a fire.

Can I use some of your hair,
God damnit?

Let me use some of your hair
to start the fire.

Come on.
Come on, Janet!

I've already seen
your breasts."

I like how
they fuzz it all out.

Depending--
And they fuzz it out

depending on what they're
fuzzing out.

How big it is,

how small they are.

And then sometimes you just go,
"What?

Who thought of this?

Some sick-o
thought of this show."

Naked and Afraid.

They raise their--
What do they call it...

when they--
they're outside activity

rate or something?
They're "survival capacity."

[laughs]
We live in L.A.!

[chuckles]
Survival capacity.

You ever spent
nine hours in a car?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Yeah,
Naked and Afraid.

I'm naked and afraid
every time I get ready for bed.

You ever catch
a glimpse of yourself

naked in the hall mirror?

"Jesus...

is that my butt?

I'm sure I could get
a selfie of that.

That should be in the
Museum of Modern Art that butt."

Man, I travel everywhere.

Been on the road all year.

I get used to it.

I go home I go,
"I gotta get out of here."

[laughter]

I live in Florida.

And, you know,
I started in Florida.

If you've been to Florida...

in the summer...

It's horrible.
It's horrible.

It's so hot.

Your sweat has sweat.
Your sweat...

That's how the accent started.

"How you doin'?"

"Pretty good.

[mumbles]
How you doing?"

"Not bad."

"You seen Mama?"

"Mm."

Even the big hound dog
on the porch,

"Ba.

Ba.

Ba!"

It's so hot even the gators
are going,

"We gotta get outta here.

We gotta head up to Tampa."

I was up in Oregon--
or "Ore-gone"

or "organ."

I was corrected every time.

"It's Oregon."
"That's what I'm saying."

"It's 'organ.'"
"'Ore-gone,' organ.

Origami."

Wilderness up there, man.
Ooh.

Nice to stay at a hotel
where you can hunt

from the window.

Texas.
Then I went to Texas.

I was all over.
[squeaks] Texas.

-You ever been to Texas?
-[audience cheers]

You can carry a gun down there.
It shocks ya.

You know, you're in 7-Eleven,
the guy's got the gun,

you go, "Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What's that?"

And then you realize,
"Oh, they all have guns.

Oh, that's--"

Ah, even the homeless guy.
"What?"

Watch it.

I'm uncomfortable around guns.
I don't have one.

I don't have a gun.

I got a piece of candy
in my pocket.

I got a licorice gun on you
right now.

[laughter]

I went and saw the Alamo.
Have you seen the Alamo?

-[audience cheers]
-Yeah, I was so disappointed.

Mrs. Stelsnik made that thing
a big deal in my life

in 3rd grade
and I got there and I go,

"Is this it?

Is this the whole thing?

Was there a fire here once?"

I'm pretty sure
I could hold this thing

for a couple days.

You know, you have to turn it
sideways so you can see it.

Then I went and bought
the little Alamo

'cause you buy--
Not for me.

I don't buy this stuff for me.

I wanna buy it,
but I buy it for other people

so I don't have to have it.

That's a--That's a compulsive
collector's trick.

"I'll get it for Janet.

She loves trinkets."

So I buy the little Alamo
across the street.

Almost same size.

I set it down,
people started lining up

in front of it.

[laughs]

-Made 11 bucks.
-[laughter]

You collect stuff?
I'm a collector.

A lot of people collect
different things.

-Anybody collect anything?
-[indistinct chatter]

Yeah?
What do you collect, huh?

-[man speaks indistinctly]
-Thank you.

[laughter]

I didn't hear it.
I don't know what it was, but...

[silent]

[laughter]

In Boston--
I went up to Boston,

and, uh,
I went in this house.

You know, 'cause people invite--
Hey, they want celebrities

over their house
for some reason.

I wouldn't,
but they want 'em over.

You know, they--
No, I'm just being nice

to whoever booked the show
and then I go to the thing.

So,
I go to the people's house

and then you just walk in--
You ever walk into a house

that they collected
for too long?

Huh?

"Oh,
someone likes elephants.

Someone loves an elephant."

[laughs]

It's true, man.

And you just stand there,
and you say to your friend,

"We gotta get outta here.

We have got to go."

Man, and then they say,
"I got 1,100 elephants."

"Yeah...

it's fabulous."

"Wanna see the first one
I ever collected?"

"Do I?!"

[laughter]

I stayed at one house
of some friends

and I didn't know
they had dolls.

They had a room full of dolls.
I was staying in it.

They showed me the room.
They opened the door,

"You'll be in this room."

[laughter]

All the dolls
had the same teeth as me.

And just like me,
when you lay 'em down,

their eyes close.

Did you ever stay
at someone's house and they

are trying to say it's a bed
that you're gonna sleep on?

"It's a daybed."

"Well, it's night right now,
though."

"The cat sleeps on it."
"Not tonight.

The cat doesn't sleep on it."

I couldn't go to sleep.
The dolls were all--

I had to finally--
I finally had to bring 'em all

in the bed and lay 'em all down
to get their eyes to close.

[laughter]

[applause]

Yeah, I used to collect
stuff all the time then.

Then you see the storage bill.

"What the hell?

What the hell
do I have in there?"

You don't know
what you have in there

and you don't want to go in.

Okay,
and then you agree.

People are--
You know...

the people that love you,
the people around you go,

"We're gonna get rid
of the storage stuff."

"I guess."

It was a good feeling
to get rid of it all,

but when
I was going through it

I realized something
about myself.

-I'm an underwear hoarder.
-[laughter]

I opened several boxes
and I go,

"Underwear."

And I took 'em out,
and you go,

"Geez, are these mine?"

You don't realize how big
your underwear because

you're not thinking about 'em
when you're putting 'em on,

but when you
hold 'em like this...

and it blocks the sun,
you--

[laughter]

You say out loud,
[shouting] "Are these mine?!

Why didn't someone
mention this?!"

"We have.
You just ignore it."

No one wants the underwear,
either.

I tried to give it away.

Six big boxes
of nice underwear.

I don't know.

I don't know,
over the decades, too.

I had some
'70s, '80s...

'90s.

And then I skipped two years.
I don't know what happened.

It was so funny.

And nobody, like,
took 'em to Goodwill.

"We don't--

We can't take them."

"What?"

"It's unsanitary."

"They're clean!"

"We can't take 'em."

And I'm thinking,
"[mumbling]

Can't take 'em?

Why didn't you tell me
before I hauled 'em all in here?

I could just leave 'em and go."

"Louie Anderson arrested today

for leaving underwear
at Goodwill."

"Oh, he's a sick-o.
He's a sick-o.

He left six boxes
of underwear."

I felt bad because I know.
I was poor once.

And so people--
I didn't have--

I think the reason I had
so many underwear

is 'cause we only had
a couple of underwear growing--

You know, like,
I had like two, three pair

growing up when you're poor.

And my mom would wash 'em
every two or three days.

And so I think when
I'd go shopping, I'd go,

"I better get
some more underwear."

[laughter]

'Cause when you're a kid,
you're traumatized

by that kind of stuff.

"How are ya?"
"I hardly have any underwear."

[laughter]

"I think I'm out."

So, they wouldn't do it.
I thought about stopping at--

I saw a couple of people
who look like

they could use some underwear.

You've seen 'em on the street
and you go,

"That guy, I don't think
he's got any underwear on."

And I said, "I'm gonna--"

And then I played it out
in my head.

I go, "Don't do it.
Don't do it.

Keep driving, Louie.
Keep driving."

So I'm making artwork
out of 'em now.

Yeah.
Celebrity--

Hey, that's how you--

The people love celebrity stuff
for some reason.

So I make--
I take underwear...

And I dip 'em
in polyurethane...

and I put 'em over a big,
wooden sphere thing--

"Sphere." Isn't that the--

Like, I'd hate
to have to spell that.

I don't think I can ever
get it right.

So I put it over the sphere,
then when it hardens,

I cover the legs--
'cause they're boxer briefs,

-and--
-[woman laughs]

You know?
And then I cover the top--

Well, that's what they are.
They're boxer briefs.

[laughter]

I don't want it riding up.
I need something--

-I gotta have...
-[laughter]

I can't have a G-string
by the end of the walk.

[cheers and applause]

So I cover the top,
cover the legs,

then I decorate 'em with holly.
That's right.

I make holiday nut bowls
out of 'em.

That's right.

[cheers and applause]

I sell 'em--
I sell 'em on my website

and all the money goes
to people who need underwear.

You know holidays are boring.

Imagine going to a--you know,
Christmas, very boring.

I mean, it's okay
for the first couple hours

and then you go,
"I gotta get outta here."

You go over there
guy goes, "What's that?"

"That's my, uh...

Louie Anderson Holiday
Nut Bowl."

[laughter]

"What?"

"It's signed right there.

It's 1 of 250."

"What?!

Well, how do you
get the nuts out?"

"You gotta go in
through the front."

[cheers and applause]

I collect lighters
when I smoked.

I used to to collect
Zippo lighters.

And then, you know,
I quit smoking I go,

"What the hell
was I thinking?"

I wish I had 'em
when I was a kid.

I always wanted a lighter
'cause my sisters--

You know, I have five sisters.
Love 'em,

Mary, Rhea, Lisa, Sheila,
and Shanna.

And they would--
they had hairspray.

Cans this high.
It was like a--

Aqua Net I think it was.

They'd spray--
Remember it?

And if you had a lighter,
you could...

[imitating fire]

-Get back!
-[laughter]

'Cause I had five brothers,
too.

Kent, Rodger, Billy,
Jimmy, and Tommy.

So, you know,
you need a--

'Cause if you're--
if you're--I'm 10th of 11...

so I was getting punched
occasionally.

-[laughter]
-You know?

Zippo, Aqua Net...
[imitates fire]

Get back!

I'm Thor!

I'm Aqua Thor!

I'm Aqua Net.

My parent's collected kids,
obviously.

[cheers and laughter]

I was 10th of 11.

-I just slid out.
-[women groan]

[laughter]

I was home from the hospital
before my mom was.

I was there.

I was at the door,
"I'm starving!"

I'm sorry, Mom.
My mom would hate that joke.

[imitates mother]
"Louie...

that's bad."

"Funny though, right, Ma?"

[applause, laughter]

How many grew up poor?
Did you guys...

[cheers and applause]

'Cause, you know,
I was in there.

I was in there too long,
you know?

I was just in my mom.
I was just--

"I gotta get outta here."

That's what you do.

Man, ten kids. I was tenth.
Then they had another one.

I guess they were trying
to get it right.

Grew up very poor.
Didn't have money.

We had to pick a lot of times
what we were gonna shut off,

the lights or the gas.

Usually the...
we'd shut off the lights

'cause my mom had 1,000 candles
she stole from the church.

[laughter]

We'd have a séance
in the afternoon.

[softly]
"Join hands."

[normal] One time she brought
a menorah in

all seven candles lit.

"I don't think
that's right, Ma."

"It's okay.
I know some Jews, Louie."

[laughter]

We were so poor.
One time, you know,

I didn't have any money
to get my mom a birthday gift

and I--you know I wrote
a coupon book.

You know?
"I'll wash the dishes...

I'll do the laundry...

-I'll kill Dad for you."
-[laughter]

You know?
[as mother] "Louie, that was

a very sweet gift.

But one of those coupon books,
you know,

they were inappropriate."

[normal] "What?
The dishes one?"

[laughter]

[as mother] "No."

[normal] "What?"

[as mother] "You wouldn't really
kill your father, would you?"

[normal] "I'd do it
for you, Ma.

There's no expiration date
on that coupon."

[laughter]

Thank you.

It's true.
I used to get so mad at my dad.

You know, I inherited things
from him, though.

You inherit it.
No money.

[laughter]

I inherited this sound
from him...

[coughs]

[laughter]

I inherited this
disapproving look...

This sound...
[groans disapprovingly]

[laughs] Ha!

I inherited this
from my mom...

-[sighs]
-[laughter]

-"You all right, Mom?"
-[as mother] "I guess."

[normal] My mom was real
passive aggressive.

She was very funny, though.

You know, you'd park somewhere.
She'd go...

[as mother]
"Oh, you're gonna...

Are you gonna park here?"

[normal] "Well, I could
try and get closer."

[as mother] "Oh, it's okay.
I guess I could walk from here."

[normal] And my dad, you know,
he didn't really like people.

My dad was a,
"I hate that guy!"

Somebody would come and he'd go,
"Oh, I hate that guy."

"Do you know him?"
"I don't need to know him

to hate him!"

Wow. I love my parents.
I miss 'em, you know?

I don't want 'em back,
don't get me wrong.

[laughter]

I learned about all that,
you know, family and stuff

when I did the "Family Feud."

I learned a lot about families
'cause families like--

it's hard to find
five in a family...

that are functional.
It's really--

-[laughter]
-It's rough.

They'd inter--Listen, thousands
of people would audition

and they would...
"Eh..."

[laughter]

You know, and as I would
go down the thing,

the first one would be
the husband or wife

all into it.
The next one...

And then sometimes the third
was the son.

He would do pretty good.

Then you get to the cousin...

"How you doing?"
"What?

[laughter]

Is it my turn?

Chocolate."

It was just so funny
'cause they go,

"Oh, it's hard.
It's hard."

My family even played it.

We lost.

I froze up.

I got in there I go--
They said, "Name...

your favorite place
in the house."

"The garage?"

And then the answer was "bed."

I should've had that!

I'm always in my bed!

As my dad once said,
"Louie...

you're the laziest
human being on Earth."

"Well, thank you, Father."

[shouting]
"It's not a compliment!"

Then my mom--the greatest person
in the world, goes,

"Well, Andy,
you did say world."

[laughter]

You just turn into those guys.

You try to refine it.
Make it better,

but you just turn into 'em.
You just...

You know?

I did my DNA test, right?

I'm 20% alcohol
and 80% butter.

[cheers and applause]

My dad was--I didn't get
the drunk gene.

I got the butter gene.

And if you do love butter,
don't wear jeans.

That's one thing fat people
should never wear.

Jeans.
I've never looked at

a fat person and went,
"Nice."

I'd always thought to myself,
"Oh, God, if--I am never

gonna wear..."
But you get tricked into jeans

'cause the guy goes,
"Those look slimming on you."

"Do they?"

[cheers and applause]

I got the fat gene.
I love food.

My mom loved food.

You know, my mom just--

she thought food
was the greatest thing.

You know, should could make
a saltine cracker

look like
a van Gogh painting.

She loved butter.

She loved food.
I love food, you know?

But now, you know...

I have a lot of memories
of food. That's bad.

I don't have memories
of my childhood,

but I have memories
of my childhood food.

"Remember that licorice thing
you used to make?

It was in a red
silver dollar thing?

[slurping]

You'd stuff 'em all
in your mouth.

[slurping]

McDonald's.
I remember when I first had

my first McDonald's.

It was 12 cents
for a burger.

Eight cents for fries.

We pulled the covered wagon up,
"Hold on there!

What you want, Mama?"

[as mother] "I'll just have
some fries."

[normal]
The fries back then, huh?

Remember when they used
to fry the French fries

-in that transgender fat?
-[laughter]

I know I'm gonna get in trouble
for that one.

I have a couple
transgender friends

and they laughed.

They didn't want to,
but they knew it was good.

They liked that.

Remember the trans fat?
That's what it was called.

-[audience murmurs]
-Ooh, man.

You couldn't even eat
they were so hot.

You'd hover them in your mouth.
[mumbles] "Jesus. God."

-[laughter]
-[shouts] Get me some ketchup!"

You could bring someone
out of a coma with those fries.

"Is he still out?
Put these by his nose.

Billy!

Can you hear me, Billy?

Put 'em closer to his nose.
Billy!!"

♪ "I'm lovin' it."
"He's back!"

[cheers and applause]

I wish I could sell
my fat to McDonald's...

for the fries.

Just pull up there like
a cartoon and then,

[glugging].

"How are the fries?"
"They taste funny. [giggles]

They're killing me."

That's one for me.
That's a joke I like.

Oh, I feel old
telling a joke like,

when I say, "When I was a kid
there were... [mumbles]"

I don't know why I'm throwing
that accent in, but...

[mumbling]

You know when else
you feel old?

You know when you
really feel old?

You're on the Internet
and they go,

"Put the year
you were born in."

"Oh..."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I'm stuck in the '60s!

You know,
and you're reading it.

You know, the 2000s...

the '90s, the '80s...
the '70s--

"Oh, let me take a break."

I don't like going
to Walgreens for that.

"Can you give us
your birth date?"

"Um...

[breathing heavily]"

"Could you speak up?"

[laughter]

[whispering]
"Three, [mumbles]...

I don't even want the medicine.
Never mind."

You gotta embrace
your family, though.

You gotta know
what it's all about

so you can work on
all this stuff, you know?

Our family is drinking,
eating, smoking.

I quit smoking 15 years ago.

[cheers and applause]

[coughs]

Now I'm trying to quit eating,
but I can't keep...

smoking the food.

I wanna be healthy.

Everybody wants to be healthy,
don't they?

That's what people want.
They wanna be healthy.

I mean, to what degree,
I don't know,

but people wanna be healthy.

Yeah.

You know, you wake up
in the morning, you go--

Cause people out there--
I know, a lot of people think

fat people get up
in the morning and go,

"I'm gonna lay around
and eat all day."

It's just the opposite.
"I'm gonna get up,

I'm gonna work out,
I'm gonna eat well--

Wait, is it Sunday, though?

Shouldn't start something
like that on a Sunday."

I got a Fitbit, huh?

Let's see how I'm doing,
shall we?

Let's see...

[laughter]

Nine hundred
and fifty two steps?

Oh, that's the time.
Hold on a second.

[laughter]

Here's the steps.
Here's the...

Four.
Four steps.

[laughs]
Four.

You have to be careful
of people

who are really healthy
seeing your Fitbit.

"How many steps you got there?"

"Eh...
What?"

"Is that a Fitbit?"

"A 'Fatbit.'"

"How many steps you got?"

"I got, uh, let's see...

Sixty eight hundred."

"Let me check mine.

Eighteen thousand.
[chuckles]"

-[softly] "I will kill you."
-[laughter]

And at that moment
you know what I'm thinking?

"I gotta get this thing
on the dog.

I gotta--"

[cheers and applause]

Get it on the dog.

[laughs]

You know, that's the thing,
and you wish

you could run into that person
after you had it on the dog.

"Hey! How you doing?
Is that your Fitbit?

How you doing?
Ended up with 28,000.

How about you?"

"35,000."

"What?"
"I was at the park.

[laughter]

I was chasing a cat."

That's right.

Anyways, I think it should go
according to weight.

At my weight,
I should get three steps

for every one.

That's how I feel.

I have a friend help
me being healthier.

Do you have those friends?

"Louie,
I'm gonna help you out here.

Louie,
I'm gonna turn you around."

"Well, you better bring
another person."

The truth,
she brings me stuff.

-"I brought you a kale shake."
-[audience groans]

-Kale gives me the shakes.
-[laughter]

Kale...
when did that become big?

It used to be a garnish
in the '60s.

[laughter]

"Louie, I wish
you'd take it all seriously."

"I do."

"Aren't you worried
about pesticides?"

We used to run behind
the mosquito spraying trucks

when I was a kid.

No one cared.

We'd go home.
"Where were you?"

"We were running behind
the mosquito spray trucks.

Now my head feels funny...

and Gilbert's in a coma."

And my dad would say,
"Sounds like you had

a terrific time."

"Thank you, Father."

"Louie..."

That's what my dad always--
"Louie!"

She loves me, though.
She's a very nice person.

She's determined.

"Eat organic at least,
will you, Louie?"

"Eh, sure."

You ever go shopping
for organic?

"How much are
the organic bananas?"

"They're 2.99 a pound."

"How much
are the other bananas?"

-"They're free."
-[laughter]

"Free?"

"No one wants 'em."

"Can I get some free bananas
and some 'organic' stickers?"

[laughter]

"Is the chicken free range?"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means they get to run free,
Louie!

Before they kill 'em."

That seems crueler to me.

The chickens in the coup
are trying to warn her.

"You're living a lie,
Betty!"

"Not me!
I'm free range!"

[cheers and applause]

"They're trying
to kill you, Betty!"

"You're just jealous
'cause I'm a big

free range chicken."

We were free range.

As long as we got home by 11,
we could go anywhere.

Go to Mexico and back.
"Where were you?"

"Went to Mexico.

I got a piñata.

And Gilbert
came out of his coma."

"Ah, world travelers, huh?"

Love you, Dad.

I'm gonna sit down
for a minute.

[groans]
My knees hurt 'cause...

[groans] ...they're made
for smaller model.

[laughter]

My friends said,
"Why don't you get

some medical marijuana?"

-I go bec--Yeah, there we go.
-[crowd cheers]

Medical marijuana,
that's me, you know?

And I said,
"Because I don't need

-another reason to be hungry."
-[laughter]

-That's why.
-[cheers and applause]

It's legal now in Nevada,
man.

Can you imagine being at
the Crap table with that guy?

[laughter]

[laughter]

I hope they legalize it
everywhere because...

my dad drank, you know?

And, you know,
maybe he would've been, like,

more mellow, right?

You never hear of anybody
getting high on marijuana

and going,
"Let's blow something up."

"What do you mean?
Like a balloon?"

"No, I can't do it.
I can't."

It's gonna be legal everywhere
pretty soon, I'm telling ya.

-[cheers and applause]
-Why not?

Why not?

People say,
"it leads to other drugs."

Nah, I think if people
are gonna go there,

they're gonna go there,
you know?

Traffic's gonna get worse.
That's the only bad thing.

A four-way stop?
Imagine that.

"Go ahead.
[laughs]

Go!

Go ahead.

Go.

Go ahead.
[laughs]

Go. Go.

[whines]
He won't go."

[laughter]

"Go.

[laughs]
Go, no, go.

[whispers]
Go.

No.

Go!

[laughs]
Don't do it. Wait.

[whines]
He went.

I'm not doing it.
[laughs]

Do it. Go.

Why won't he go?
Oh, that's pretty."

[laughter]

I never was big
on smoking marijuana, you know?

It wasn't about
the marijuana,

it was the guy
that rolled the joint

that creeped me out.

"Here you go, Louie."

[cheers and applause]

"That thing'll never light."

The worst!

It was the worst.
You know the guy.

He did it every time.

Let it go around a while.

[laughter]

Oh, a lot of my Basketfriends
are here.

A lot of my other friends
are here.

-[cheers and applause]
-My family's here.

What up?

Be nice to your parents.

You know,
if they're still around.

Give 'em a call
when you're outta here.

You know?
I don't care how late it is.

"Dad, I love ya."

"What?!
Here's your mother.

He says he loves me.
Find out what's wrong."

Be nice to 'em.
They don't mean it.

They just...they got set
in their ways

like you're set in your ways.

You know you're set
in your ways.

Stubborn.

I ask you,
are you a moveable

or an immoveable object?

I don't want an answer,
but now you're--

Listen, think about that
like I have...

for a week.

"Am I moveable
or unmovable?

I think I might be a moveable.

I'd like to have people
move me around."

But I think
people just get stuck.

I know I do.

I waited until I was 64
to start eating healthy.

[laughs]

I figured, "Man,
if I could still--"

You know, my heart,
I just go, "Thank you, heart.

I love you."

You know, plus, I've already
eaten every single thing, so...

[applause, laughter]

You know?
Every single thing.

Everything.

People will say to me,
"Did you have that?"

"I had that
before anyone had that."

I ate that in the '60s.

I was putting Fritos
in my Sloppy Joes in the '60s.

All right, Taco Bell?

Who doesn't want
a Crunchwrap?

First of all,
it looks like my grandma's

old, leather coin purse.

"Grandma!"

-I love you guys.
-[cheers and applause]

Louie@LouieAnderson.com

-Watch Basketson Tuesdays.
-[cheers and applause]

It's a lot of fun.

[sighs]

I got Amazon Prime.
Don't do it.

[laughter]

I gotta hide boxes
that show up.

-I got no idea what's in 'em.
-[laughter]

You know?

And then, you know,
you think, like,

"I've ordered some stuff,"
and then it shows up

in your feed.

You know,
you're looking at Facebook,

and suddenly
sparkly shoes come up.

[laughter]

I just looked at 'em once
for God's sakes.

-Big underwear?
-[laughter]

One time in my feed--

I'm pretty--
I can ignore stuff,

but three pair
of boxer briefs...

for under ten bucks.

I-I shot right over to Prime.

I go, "They can't have 'em
in my size.

Ah! Manatee."

[laughter]

I love those, man.
That's my spirit animal.

-those big manatees.
-[laughter]

"Propeller!"

So I order 'em.

Ten bucks.
Three pair.

I get 'em.
I open 'em up.

I go,
"This can't be them."

The bag, you know,
was like an envelope.

I just go,
"This can't be three pair

of big underwear."

Open it up.

"Where are these fr--
Korea.

Oh, for God's sakes."

[applause, laughter]

I'm working really hard
'cause I need a goal.

I can't wait until
I can get into those.

I put 'em on my doll
and, um...

Game of Thronesalmost over.

I was hoping they'd go
a couple more years.

You know?
That stuff on there.

I never think about killing
people till I watch that show.

-[laughter]
-"Kill him!

I don't care if he's ten!
I want him dead!"

I could never live back there.
The mud alone...

When I watch it I got a big
hand pump sanitizer going.

"[groans]

Will someone
wipe his neck off?!"

I'd have to be
from the House Swifter.

[laughter]

We're living
in the greatest time, though.

I'm really lucky.
Yeah, we are really.

-[applause]
-We're living in
the greatest time.

Don't kid yourself,
it's the best of time,

and it's the worst of times.
[laughs]

But I've gotten to see
all this stuff, you know?

The big, old, you know,
cell phones.

When it was like a brick
and now, you know,

and all the technology.

And I can talk to you,
you know,

without talking to you.

I just, "Hey, how are you?
That's it. Don't text me back.

I just wanted to know
how you are.

How are you?"

And don't judge me
for my one-thumb texting.

It's an old person's thing.

"Oh, I sent it too soon."

I got an iPhone 6.
I was thinking about an 8 or 10,

but I'm only qualified
for a 2.

I swear to you,
when they put out a new phone,

they sabotage
whatever you have.

"Hey, this is gonna slow up
right now.

Welcome to the winding,
slow river of Internet."

"Hey, my phone just went out

in the middle
of a conversation."

"Reboot it."

You know,
I have a phone friend.

You always--
You know, the Obi-Phone Kenobi.

-[laughter]
-The guy who can fix
your phone for you?

"Obiphone!"

You know, you have to do
that face from Oliver."

"Sir...

some help, sir?

Some help, Obi-Phone Kenobi.

Please help, sir.

If it's not too much
to ask.

'Ello, Gov'na!"

And then they take it
and they turn it

into, like, Darth Vader.
"[breaths heavily]

[deep voice]
Oh, God.

I'm gonna kill you, Louie."

-[normal] "What?"
-"Look at it.

[shouts]
Look at it!"

And you have to act serious
'cause they're not

gonna fix your phone
unless you do.

"What is it?"
You get this fa--look.

"What I do?
What'd I do?"

[laughter]

"What'd I do?
Huh?"

I got a real good
dumb face.

"What was--"

[cheers and applause]

"You think this is funny,
Louie?"

"No, no, no, no."

"Yeah, you got every damn thing
open on here!"

"Do I?
Everything's open?

I didn't know I had to close up
Amazon Prime when I left."

I didn't know.
I didn't know.

I didn't know things were open
the first time this happened.

"Everything's open, Louie."

"So sorry."

Then they shame you.
"You got this open!

You got big underwear.
What?

You got this open!

Dairy Queen finder,
really, Louie?!"

I love a Dilly Bar.

"You got that open,
that's open...

[chuckles] Weight Watchers.
Really Louie?

When's the last time
you backed this up?"

"What?"

"Do you even know
how to back it up, Louie?"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

As long as they fix your phone.

That's all you care.

"I was gonna get the 10,
then I went down to the 8."

-I go, "I'm keeping my 6."
-[woman cheers]

Till the--I'm gonna wait
till the 20 comes out.

Huh?
I'm waiting for the phone

where you hit the thing
on Yelp

and a burger comes through it.

"Thank you, Yelp.

Five stars."

I always think of my parents.

My mom
would've said about Trump,

[as mother]
"Hmm...

He's a blowhard."

[normal] That's the kind of word
she would throw out.

"What?"
[as mother] "He is, Louie.

I'd like to talk to him
for a couple minutes

and straighten him out."

[normal]
"All right, Ma."

[as mother] "Hmm, and don't
think I couldn't do it.

[sighs]"

[normal] My dad he'd be,
"[growls] Oh, God.

Look at him.
[growls]"

But I have--
I have something in common

with Trump,
I have a receding hairline.

So...
I get that, you know?

That's the one thing I get.

Like people go,
"Look at his hair."

And I go, "That always
happened to me, don't judge."

'Cause if you have
a receding hairline,

at some point when you're in
the bathroom alone,

you're moving it around.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

I love you, guys.
Thank you so much.

[upbeat music]

[cheers and applause]

I love you.

[cheers and applause]

♪