All language subtitles for Last Man Standing.S08E07.Bedtime Story.eng

(grunts softly)

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

(snoring stops)

(snoring resumes)

I'm in hell.

You mind keeping it down?

*

Well, I just don't get it.

It's practical, economical,
and user-friendly.

Mm. Yeah, man,
you're preaching to the choir.

There is no good reason

why America hasn't
embraced the spork.

Yeah.

Mikey, what's your take
on the spork?

-The spork?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, I think he took

way too much attention
away from Buzz.

Ah.

(groans)
I didn't sleep well last night.

Ah, what's keeping you up?

My wife's snoring.

Awake, she's the most
elegant woman ever.

Asleep, she's like
a blender full of nails.

Is there something wrong
with her? This is a new thing?

She's always snored,

I just didn't notice it,
but now I do,

'cause I'm getting up
three times a night

-to pee.
-Oh.

Only three times?

I'm about to start sleeping
in the bathroom.

You have spare bedrooms
in that house.

Try sleeping in one of those.

Yeah, couples sleep in
separate bedrooms all the time.

They're called "apart-ners."

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband
swear by it. Yeah, I've...

Someone left
a People magazine in the john.

Well, if there's any group
of people

who I want
to emulate their lifestyle,

it's those left-wing loonies
out in Hollywood.

Hey, hey, hey, Carol and I sleep
in separate bedrooms.

The woman kicks like
a professional soccer player,

and I got tired
of being the ball.

What about the fun part
of sharing a bed?

Hmm? Like, like spooning?

Or sporking?

No, seriously, have you ever
brought up the idea

of separate bedrooms to Vanessa?

It would be too strange.
After 30 years of marriage,

I-I couldn't do it.
I mean, maybe...

Does it surprise you guys?
I don't like change.

Hmm, we know.
You still have an AOL account.

So, what'd you guys think
of the vegan chili?

Oh, it was great.

If you make it again,
I'd add a little more salt.

And ground beef.

Hope you guys saved room
for dessert.

Oh, uh, yeah, and this is not
just any type of dessert.

It is a very special cake.

You made it?

Oh, goody.

A cake without the things
that make cake "cake."

"Will you be
our baby's godparents?"

Godparents.
Are you serious?

Dead serious.

Now, do we bake you a cake
that says "yes"?

I thought aunt was a good job,
but godparents?

A parent sent by God.

Uh, yeah. You guys were
our first choice.

Well, I asked the Obamas--
knew it was a long shot.

I don't know anything
about being a godfather.

I guess I'll have to watch
that movie.

The Godfather.

No.
No-no research necessary.

You guys are gonna be great.

Oh, I can't wait.
I'm gonna do so many things

for my little goddaughter.

Decorate her little nursery,

buy her little shoes,

style her little hair
with a little comb,

with a little brush,
with a little... Ooh!

-I'm so excited.
-(laughs)

She's very lucky
to have you both.

I mean, you think
they would have at least

responded with a form letter.

It just doesn't seem
like Michelle.

(sputters, sighs)

You okay?
(chuckles)

Something bothering you?

Yeah, just thinking about

what a selfish S.O.B. I am.

Never bothered you before.

Um... what-what do you mean,
you're selfish?

I just don't know
how I can sleep

knowing all the noise I make
is gonna, you know,

keep you awake.

Oh, no, don't-don't worry.
It's not that bad.

Sleeping with me, it's-it's...

it's got to be like sleeping,
you know,

with a blender full of nails.

Or, you know, or whatever
you think I sound like.

(laughs)
You know, it's your bed, too.

Don't-don't worry about me.

Damn it, I will worry about you.

Honey, tonight I'm gonna just
sleep in Mandy's old room.

Well, honey, I don't care
if you wake me, I swear.

-I-I...
-Listen, you're just an angel.

You are an angel, and
the last thing you want to do

in this world is wake an angel.

It's in the Bible.

Honey, I...

(whistling a tune)

Hey, Jen.

How are you this lovely,
fine day, huh?

Confused.

Were you whistling?

Yes, I was whistling.
Why wouldn't I be whistling?

Sun's out, birds are singing.

It's a beautiful
zip-a-dee-doo-dah day.

Why are you so happy?

Are you sending me back
to Hong Kong?

I haven't slept this well
in months.

I feel like a young Mike Baxter.

And not just because
I had a dream

about me being
on my Kawasaki triple,

Stevie Nicks holding on tight,

whispering sweet stuff
in my ear.

He sounds like a cool guy.

Coffee?

No, no.
I don't need coffee.

I'm full of energy,
hope, optimism.

I-I could... (chuckles) I could
almost vote for a Democrat.

If I slept like this
all the time,

what-what couldn't I accomplish?

Get the summit of Everest,
you know, write my memoirs,

finally quarterback
for the Broncos.

Flacco, I'm coming
for you, buddy.

-Ugh.
-(chuckles)

-Good morning, Vanessa.
-Ugh!

You didn't sleep well?

No, not a wink.
You know,

it was sweet of you
to try a separate bedroom,

but obviously
we will never do that again.

Tonight you ride alone, Stevie.

CHUCK:
Here you go, Ed.

-Oh, thank you, thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

Is Mike in yet?

No.

You think we gave him
good advice yesterday, Ed?

Hmm?
Honestly, I do not know.

Uh, what did we tell him again?

We told him
to try separate beds, Ed.

Well, I'm sorry I have a life.
Excuse me.

I mean, I love the guy,
but I don't sit around

thinking about him all day long.

(chuckles)

Yeah, me neither.

Hey, boys. Guess what I ate
my eggs with this morning.

A spork.

(both laugh)

Oh, you're in a good mood.

I guess the separate bedrooms
idea worked.

Well, not for Vanessa.

She hated it so much she never
wants to do that again.

Do you know how awful it feels

to be in paradise
just for a moment,

then get kicked out on your ass?

Yes, I do.

Jimmy Buffett concert, 1997.

Apparently I was dancing
too suggestively.

I'm just gonna tell her
she snores.

No, no, no,
that's-that's a bad idea.

Uh, truth in marriage
only works out for one person:

the divorce lawyer.

Yeah, man, think about it.

There's got to be a reason
why you never told her before.

Yeah, because my wife
is an extremely kind

and caring individual.

I would never do anything
to hurt her feelings.

But?

But I had a good night's sleep.

I think she can handle it.

Well, it'll definitely

land them in separate bedrooms.

You're still on that?

Get a life.

-Hey.
-Hey.

What you doing?

Decorating the nursery.

Oh. So my daughter's first
bedroom is going to be pink.

Well, you're having a girl.

Duh. (laughs)

Uh, and it's not just pink.

It is Flamingo, Cotton Candy,
Bubble Gum, and Ballet Slipper.

Yeah, those are as different
as night and evening.

Um, hey, look, Mandy,

I-I really wanted a non-gender-
specific nursery for our baby.

I-I don't want the decor
to put any limitations on her.

It doesn't. This room tells her
she's a princess.

Princesses set fashion trends,
they start diet fads.

If that's not power,
then what is?

Okay, um...

look, just imagine a generation

that isn't locked
into these outdated stereotypes.

I really want my daughter
to be a part of that, and...

she can't do that
from underneath a pink blanket.

(scoffs)
This is Blushing Cherry Blossom.

Are you blind?

Well, it's my baby, my house,
and you're just the decorator.

I'm not just the decorator.

I am not just the aunt.

I am the godmother
to a princess!

Get out of my fairy tale!

Whoa.
What's with all the yelling?

Uh, your sister
is imposing archaic,

patriarchal strictures
on our unborn daughter.

And Ryan is being a butt.

Well, knock it off, both of you.

Okay? This baby, and having you
and Kyle be the godparents,

is about bringing us all
together as a family.

-Okay...
-Yeah, but...

I don't want to hear it! Okay?

You need to work this out.

I am not letting the two of you
ruin this for me.

My body is flooded
with love hormones!

VANESSA:
Hi.

-How was work? Hey.
-Well...

-Mwah. Oh.
-Work was the usual.

You know, taxing.

Everybody coming to me

to solve
their relationship problems.

Coming to you?

Why, were there no brick walls
to talk to?

(chuckles):
Oh, man.

You are beautiful, funny,

and so understanding.

Mike?

You snore.

What?

Yeah, you-you've been snoring
a lot lately.

I mean, with an extraordinary
amount of gusto, I might add.

(scoffs)
No, I don't think I snore.

(chuckling):
I-I beg to differ.

I think I'd get the neighbors
on both sides of us to agree.

And possibly
the U.S. Geological Service.

So is this what
all that nonsense was

about separate bedrooms?

You said you didn't want
to disturb me.

That's called lying.

Well, why did you feel
you had to lie?

If you'd just told me I snore,
I would stop.

(chuckles)

Y-You would just stop.

Yes.

Vanessa... (stammers)

people spend billions
of dollars a year

trying to ease their snoring,

but you...

can just stop.

Yeah, of course I can,
and after I do,

we're gonna drop all this talk
about separate bedrooms, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

So this is honesty.

God.

No wonder nobody does it.

*

(sighing quietly)

-Morning.
-Hey.

(sighs)

(crying):
It's so cold.

Here, come over here
and sit down. Come-come on.

Come on, Vanessa, sit down.
I'll make us something.

-There you go, come on,
sit for a second.
-Oh, yeah.

You're right, you're right.
This is much better.

(grunts)
You...

-Catch me!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You startled me.
Listen...

Listen, I'm-I'm...
You didn't sleep so well.

O-Or you slept so well
while you were sleeping,

somebody stole your mind?

Okay, fine.

All right, maybe I-I had
a rough night, honey.

One rough night?

I don't...
One, two, four, I...

Don't make me count.
I...

Baby, we can't keep doing this.
We've got to do something.

I know.
Look, just, Mike, no-no,

not separate bedrooms
again, okay?

I-I don't want to sleep
without you.

I-I mean, when I was doing all
the roadwork for Outdoor Man,

I was gone forever.
You slept good then.

No, I know, but it wasn't
a problem then.

Yes, you were gone, but...

I knew you were coming back.

I-I'm not going anywhere,
I'm just down the hall.

Yeah, right. You're right,
in the kids' room,

because they left.

Mike, so much has changed
in our lives.

Don't-don't...
don't change this, too.

I won't, I won't.

But I-I want you
to be able to sleep.

(chuckles) You probably
shouldn't have told me

that it breaks your heart if
I sleep in another room, then.

We're gonna take care of this.
We're gonna do something.

We'll-we'll figure this out.
We'll figure this out, okay?

-Hmm, mm-hmm.
-Good.

All right, well, I'm just gonna,
uh, take a shower

-and try to wake up.
-Great, great.

And I'll make us some eggs,
you come back down...

You can go to the shower up
where it usually is, upstairs.

What even was the name of that
store, Crappy's House of Crap?

Fine, Mandy. You didn't like
the rug that I picked out.

Forgive me for wanting
to have any say

in what my daughter's room
is going to look like.

Well, of course
I forgive you, Ryan.

It's your taste
that's unforgivable.

I know, we're not
supposed to be arguing.

Just forget you saw that.

I'm afraid I can't.
It's out of my hands.

What?
What does that mean?

The Godfather would like
to see you both.

(imitating Don Corleone):
How did things ever get so far?

I don't know.
It's so unfortunate,

so unnecessary.

Kyle, what are you...?

Eh...

We are en familia,
in the family,

but these things that you're
saying to one another,

they're the-the words
of strangers,

the words of animals.

(whispers indistinctly)

And now I hear you're
fighting over a rug.

A rug.

Yeah, but it was super ugly.

This-- this is super ugly.

Uh, okay, uh, Kyle... (chuckles)
glad you liked the movie.

(normal voice):
I watched them all.
They were awesome.

Um, but this is our baby.

Okay, uh, why did you even
make me the godmother, then?

You know, I don't know.

I don't even know
what we were thinking.

KRISTIN:
Ryan, stop.

No, you know exactly
what we were thinking.

-Why don't-why don't you
just tell her?
-What? No.

I'm not gonna do that.
It doesn't matter.

(imitating Don Corleone):
Ryan, I'm gonna make you
an offer that you...

Okay, enough.

Ryan, just-just tell her
what you said to me.

I don't even remember, exactly.

(sighs)
Okay, fine, I do.

You said that if you could give
our daughter the secret

that is inside of Mandy,

the thing that
makes her so alive

and so in love with the world,

it would be the best gift
we could ever give her.

You said that?

I don't know.
I guess.

Okay, I did.

(normal voice):
Oh, boy, here it comes.

So, if the two of you could--
I don't know--

work together on this, yeah?

Yeah, we should. We should.

The-the rug wasn't horrible.

Thank you.
Uh, but maybe the one

with the pink pattern
would be better.

-Back to the store?
-Okay.

Okay.

Thanks.

Thank you for stepping in,
Godfather.

-Just when I think I'm out,
they pull me...
-Nope!

MIKE:
I just want you to know

I-I will move heaven and earth

to keep sharing the bed
with my lovely wife, okay?

Oh, honey, that is
so sweet of you to say.

So-so, am I supposed
to just forget

that you said I sound
like a pig farm?

Pretty sure I said
slaughterhouse.

Oh, wow.
Look at that bed.

(laughs) So this is why you kept
me out of the house all day.

Right. Our old one's
on the way to the dump

to make a fine home
for some stray cats.

Oh, look at this.
Gosh, just like a hospital bed

except, you know, without
all the pain of childbirth.

(Mike chuckles)

Well, I did a little research.

It turns out changing
your sleep position

can help with your snoring,

and this thing goes
from flat to taco.

(Vanessa chuckles)

Honey, this is so thoughtful.

Um, you want to,
you want to push a button

before my forehead
touches my knees? (chuckles)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, h-ho...
There we go.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Ooh! (chuckles)

Uh, so what if this
doesn't work?

I have a plan B,
the Nature Spa 3000.

It's a sound machine.
All right?

I realize that
when I was in the Amazon,

I could be lulled to sleep

by the beautiful sweet
sounds of nature...

(animals screeching)

And that's supposed
to drown out my snoring?

Can't hear you, honey.

Right there we got
the beautiful, sweet sound

of the howler monkey
and the bulldog bat.

(animals continue screeching)

You know what?
I am so touched

that you went to all this
trouble for me.

I mean, honey, you sure it
wouldn't be easier for you

to just sleep in Mandy's room?

Then I wouldn't be able
to sleep with you.

Mmm. Oh, you better watch out,
I'm coming down!

Guys, I can't really sleep
with all this noise.

-Can't hear you.
-(volume increases)

Rude.

-Oh, those darn howler monkeys.
-Mmm.

Hey there, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

Talking today
about gravitational pull,

the diabolical force of physics
that keeps us earthbound,

skins our kids' knees,

and makes plastic surgeons
very, very rich.

Yeah, gravity is constantly
pulling at us,

relentlessly as a telemarketer,
until eventually

it swallows us
right into the ground.

Happy thought, huh?

Of course, the Earth itself
would fly off into space

if it weren't for the pull
of the Sun's gravity.

It was my close friend
Copernicus

who reached
the blasphemous conclusion

that the Sun was the center
of the universe.

Can you imagine that, huh?

But he escaped the punishment of
the church in a very clever way.

Right after publishing
his ideas, he croaked.

(laughs)

Nobody tell Hemingway, but
the Sun doesn't actually rise.

It just sits there
with its arms folded

while the puny little Earth
runs laps around it

like an overcaffeinated
Chihuahua.

I'm not a flat-earther
or a geocentrist,

but the Sun is not the center
of my universe.

My lovely wife Vanessa is.

She's my rock,
and her gravitational pull

actually allows me to soar.

The harmonious way
we orbit around each other

is like the...
the music of spheres,

which, of course,
I've never heard

because my rock snores
like a congested wild hog.

And that is why we are
selling sound machines,

on sale this week
at Outdoor Man.

Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH