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1
00:00:02,371 --> 00:00:04,510
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,610 --> 00:00:07,749
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,816 --> 00:00:11,624
♪ But where are those
good old�fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,724 --> 00:00:14,630
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:18,036
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,136 --> 00:00:21,276
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,342 --> 00:00:22,946
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,013 --> 00:00:24,282
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,348 --> 00:00:30,227
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:38,711 --> 00:00:41,049
So this is sports.
11
00:00:41,115 --> 00:00:42,351
Where's the hosiery?
12
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:45,357
Hi. I'm a 15�year�old
wild card, and...
13
00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:47,662
Well, let's get you
a gun already!
14
00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:50,300
Oh, Peter, I'm so glad
you're finally doing
15
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,271
something positive
for your health.
16
00:00:52,338 --> 00:00:53,874
What do you think about
this treadmill?
17
00:00:53,941 --> 00:00:55,010
Yeah, this one's good.
18
00:00:55,077 --> 00:00:58,116
Let me ask a salesperson
for help like a complete beta.
19
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,755
Excuse me, sir�� Oh, oh,
you're helping someone else.
20
00:01:00,855 --> 00:01:01,924
I'll be with you in one second.
21
00:01:02,024 --> 00:01:03,293
Yeah, no, no.
You're busy, I see.
22
00:01:03,393 --> 00:01:05,364
Help him, then help her,
then whoever's after them.
23
00:01:05,430 --> 00:01:08,069
I'll just wait here
and feel the running shirts.
24
00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:10,240
Sir, do you need help?
25
00:01:10,307 --> 00:01:12,278
I'm waiting for Josh.
26
00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:17,054
�(loud rattle)
�What the hell?
27
00:01:19,458 --> 00:01:21,262
Peter, what the hell is that?
28
00:01:21,329 --> 00:01:23,199
It's my new pitching machine,
Lois.
29
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,939
And look, it can turn our car
into a silly tank!
30
00:01:26,039 --> 00:01:28,176
Watch me nail Cleveland.
(grunts)
31
00:01:28,243 --> 00:01:30,480
CLEVELAND:
I got one, too, bitch!
32
00:01:33,453 --> 00:01:35,290
All right, Chris,
time for your old man
33
00:01:35,357 --> 00:01:36,860
to teach you how to swing a bat.
34
00:01:36,961 --> 00:01:39,833
But I've been playing
Little League since I was seven.
35
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:40,802
Oh, that's all right.
36
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,939
After all, this is
about father�son bonding
37
00:01:43,039 --> 00:01:44,475
and not about hitting you
in the nuts
38
00:01:44,576 --> 00:01:46,245
to get on America's
Funniest Home Videos.
39
00:01:46,312 --> 00:01:48,584
Wait, why are you pointing
the pitching machine
40
00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,521
at my crotch? Ah! Hey!
41
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,959
Come on, Chris.
You and me up there at AFV
42
00:01:53,059 --> 00:01:55,063
in boxy, six�button suits.
43
00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:58,136
The kings of 1991,
just for one night.
44
00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:00,842
ANNOUNCER: Or will it be
"Two Balls One Strike,"
45
00:02:00,908 --> 00:02:04,281
submitted by Peter Griffin
of Quahog, Rhode Island?
46
00:02:04,348 --> 00:02:06,185
And the winner is...
47
00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:07,956
"Fainting Groom,"
48
00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:09,860
sent in by Kevin
and Lisa Tarczynski
49
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,597
of Berkley, Michigan.
50
00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:13,501
(all gasp)
51
00:02:17,274 --> 00:02:20,380
"...but it turns out,
the real Dianetics was
52
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,353
the friends he made
along the way."
53
00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:25,257
(sighs)
54
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,964
Uh�oh.
55
00:02:29,031 --> 00:02:30,334
Stand back.
56
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,906
The pitching machine is
the only plumber we'll need.
57
00:02:40,822 --> 00:02:42,659
(pipes rattling)
58
00:02:42,726 --> 00:02:45,798
♪ ♪
59
00:02:48,871 --> 00:02:50,273
(both scream)
60
00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:56,285
(all screaming)
61
00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:04,001
And... I'm waking up outside
again.
62
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,072
Got to sleep to grow, guys.
63
00:03:06,139 --> 00:03:07,876
Got to sleep to grow.
64
00:03:11,683 --> 00:03:13,721
Oh, thanks for letting us
stay here, Daddy.
65
00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:16,560
We'll be out of your hair
as soon as the house dries out.
66
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:18,329
You know, Carter,
we don't mean to be a bother.
67
00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:19,833
Why don't we just stay
at a hotel,
68
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,069
and you pay for the hotel
69
00:03:21,169 --> 00:03:22,639
and it should be
the LEGOLAND hotel?
70
00:03:22,739 --> 00:03:23,808
I'm not giving you money
71
00:03:23,874 --> 00:03:25,878
for almost drowning
my daughter and grandchildren.
72
00:03:25,945 --> 00:03:27,849
Besides, I have
to leave town for a couple days,
73
00:03:27,949 --> 00:03:30,287
and I need someone I can trust
to look after the place.
74
00:03:30,353 --> 00:03:32,091
Where's Babs?
Why can't she do it?
75
00:03:32,157 --> 00:03:34,128
I don't know.
The ransom note didn't say.
76
00:03:34,195 --> 00:03:36,332
Daddy, I didn't know
you were leaving town.
77
00:03:36,432 --> 00:03:38,403
�Where are you going?
�Ah, just some funeral.
78
00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:40,107
I'll be back
in a couple of days.
79
00:03:40,173 --> 00:03:41,577
I left food out for the butlers,
80
00:03:41,677 --> 00:03:43,948
just change their litter boxes
tomorrow if you think of it.
81
00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:45,484
A funeral? Who died?
82
00:03:45,585 --> 00:03:47,221
Just a... (stammers)
just an old family friend.
83
00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:48,456
Don't worry about it.
84
00:03:48,557 --> 00:03:51,797
Oh, a family friend?
Was it someone I knew?
85
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:54,068
All right, look,
I didn't want to say anything,
86
00:03:54,135 --> 00:03:56,573
but it was Meredith,
your old nanny.
87
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,546
Meredith?
Oh, I loved that woman.
88
00:03:59,613 --> 00:04:01,650
I was so sad when she quit.
89
00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:03,988
Wow, Lois, you were lucky
to have a nanny.
90
00:04:04,054 --> 00:04:05,725
My mom just left me with a radio
91
00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:08,129
possessed by the former owner
of our home.
92
00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:09,666
Can I have a snack?
93
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:13,139
RASPY VOICE (on radio):
You're sitting where I died.
94
00:04:13,206 --> 00:04:14,910
Why are you even going, Daddy?
95
00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:17,715
People always want the richest
person they ever worked for
96
00:04:17,816 --> 00:04:18,884
to attend their funeral.
97
00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:20,655
They'll be, like,
"Oh, my God, a rich person!
98
00:04:20,755 --> 00:04:22,826
I guess it's okay
he's talking on his phone."
99
00:04:22,892 --> 00:04:25,230
Well, I can't miss
Meredith's funeral.
100
00:04:25,297 --> 00:04:26,700
Yeah, I'd better go, too.
101
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,203
But I need you
to watch the house!
102
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,240
Oh, Peter and the kids are
more than capable
103
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:31,743
of watching the house.
104
00:04:31,810 --> 00:04:33,213
Kids? They're staying?
105
00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,484
�But they love funerals!
�Peter, enough.
106
00:04:35,551 --> 00:04:37,321
Daddy, I'm coming with you.
107
00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:39,593
(sighs) Fine.
Ass, gas, or grass?
108
00:04:39,659 --> 00:04:42,464
�No one rides free.
�I guess... gas?
109
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,003
That's what all the prudes say.
110
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:50,046
Did you know
this house is so large
111
00:04:50,113 --> 00:04:51,550
there's a 12�second echo?
112
00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:52,719
What are you talking about?
113
00:04:52,785 --> 00:04:55,223
The acoustics are such
that it takes the human voice
114
00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:57,461
12 seconds to bounce back
as an echo.
115
00:04:57,529 --> 00:04:59,365
That's ridiculous. Not even
the Grand Canyon has a��
116
00:04:59,431 --> 00:05:01,202
STEWIE'S ECHO:
Did you know this house is so large
117
00:05:01,269 --> 00:05:02,572
there's a 12�second echo?
118
00:05:02,639 --> 00:05:04,543
�Ridiculous, huh?
�Okay, I'm hearing it now.
119
00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,312
�(echo continues)
�Well, next time, maybe don't doubt me
120
00:05:06,379 --> 00:05:07,782
when I tell you
the acoustics are such
121
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,320
that it takes 12 seconds
for the human voice to travel.
122
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:12,391
�(echo stops)
�I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway.
123
00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:14,729
�STEWIE'S ECHO: Ridiculous, huh?
�BRIAN'S ECHO: Okay, I'm hearing it now.
124
00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:16,432
�(echoing voices continues)
�Guys, I have a great idea.
125
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,869
(echoing flatulence)
126
00:05:17,936 --> 00:05:20,073
That's weird.
That fart was from yesterday.
127
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:21,610
Great idea, Peter!
128
00:05:21,677 --> 00:05:24,148
Listen, I was thinking,
what if we make some extra cash
129
00:05:24,248 --> 00:05:26,152
by turning this place
into a hotel?
130
00:05:26,219 --> 00:05:27,555
PETER's ECHO:
Great idea, Peter!
131
00:05:27,622 --> 00:05:28,591
Awesome! We're all in!
132
00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:31,028
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go apologize
133
00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:33,834
to the hotel towels for
what's about to happen to 'em.
134
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:37,074
Men, tonight you will have
one last night of peace.
135
00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:38,409
I won't lie to you,
136
00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:40,882
a hotel guest has no regard
for your life.
137
00:05:40,948 --> 00:05:43,186
That means some of you
will not be coming back.
138
00:05:43,286 --> 00:05:46,025
Those who do will never be
one color again.
139
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:47,461
Now, here are your assignments:
140
00:05:47,562 --> 00:05:49,164
Anderson,
you're late�night vomit.
141
00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:50,835
Russo, you'll be
in the ladies' room.
142
00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:52,539
�Ooh!
�(whistles)
143
00:05:52,605 --> 00:05:54,308
All right,
knock it off, at ease.
144
00:05:54,408 --> 00:05:56,412
Edwards, you're gonna be folded
into a monkey
145
00:05:56,479 --> 00:05:58,149
at the foot of the bed,
and then (bleep) on.
146
00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:00,020
Look at Edwards,
he's into it!
147
00:06:00,086 --> 00:06:01,924
�Ooh!
�At ease!
148
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:12,377
Well, it'll be nice to have
a little road trip together.
149
00:06:12,444 --> 00:06:14,583
Yeah, we never had a lot of
daddy�daughter time
150
00:06:14,683 --> 00:06:16,954
when I was young.
You were always so busy.
151
00:06:17,054 --> 00:06:18,724
Not now, kitten.
152
00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,595
Oh, look!
153
00:06:20,695 --> 00:06:24,134
That's just like the pond
Meredith used to take me to.
154
00:06:26,506 --> 00:06:28,711
(sighs)
I miss her so much.
155
00:06:28,777 --> 00:06:31,883
Yeah, I could always talk to her
when I was having a hard time.
156
00:06:31,950 --> 00:06:34,255
(crying)
157
00:06:34,355 --> 00:06:35,791
Lois, what's wrong?
158
00:06:35,891 --> 00:06:38,530
All the kids at school said
I'm MADtv funny
159
00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,433
and not SNL funny.
160
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:43,273
Oh, Lois,
kids can be so mean.
161
00:06:43,339 --> 00:06:45,076
Have you ever heard the story
162
00:06:45,176 --> 00:06:47,447
�of "The Ugly Duckling?"
�No.
163
00:06:47,515 --> 00:06:49,953
Well, there once was
a young duckling
164
00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,959
who had a hard time fitting in,
just like you.
165
00:06:53,026 --> 00:06:55,798
And one day, that duckling
went off to college
166
00:06:55,898 --> 00:06:58,537
and created a website
to rate women.
167
00:06:58,637 --> 00:07:00,875
Then he made $100 billion
168
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,647
and mined user data
to rig an election.
169
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:07,855
Wow! So am I also gonna be
a billionaire making websites?
170
00:07:07,922 --> 00:07:11,295
No, but you'll use his site
to post pictures of wine
171
00:07:11,395 --> 00:07:14,636
and passive�aggressively
body�shame other moms.
172
00:07:18,510 --> 00:07:20,915
All right, for this
hotel operation to work,
173
00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:22,919
we all got to pull our weight
around here.
174
00:07:23,019 --> 00:07:25,591
Chris, you'll be the affable
but dim bellhop.
175
00:07:25,658 --> 00:07:28,096
When you say, "Help those people
with their bags,"
176
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:30,233
I'll ask, "How high?"
177
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:31,570
Brian, you'll tend the bar
178
00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:33,707
and dole out snappy tidbits
of advice.
179
00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:35,611
All right!
Stop by Brian's Bar
180
00:07:35,678 --> 00:07:37,982
for some drinks,
thinks and winks.
181
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,353
(chuckles) We can...
we�we can pitch on it.
182
00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:42,024
Uh, Meg, you'll handle
all the dish washing,
183
00:07:42,090 --> 00:07:43,961
floor scrubbing, laundry,
and anything else
184
00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,931
that involves
breathing in chemicals.
185
00:07:45,998 --> 00:07:48,303
And I'll be the concierge,
astutely learning
186
00:07:48,403 --> 00:07:50,473
everything there is to know
about our guests.
187
00:07:50,541 --> 00:07:52,344
That will be my one task.
188
00:07:52,411 --> 00:07:54,448
Well, that and looking out
for Dunstons.
189
00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:56,987
�What?
�Dunstons. They'll check in.
190
00:07:57,054 --> 00:07:58,924
They'll check right in.
191
00:07:59,024 --> 00:07:59,859
(vehicle approaching)
192
00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,865
Ah, and here come
our guests now!
193
00:08:02,932 --> 00:08:04,969
♪ ♪
194
00:08:09,111 --> 00:08:11,115
STEWIE:
First to arrive is Tom Tucker,
195
00:08:11,182 --> 00:08:13,587
here to celebrate
the anniversary of his divorce
196
00:08:13,687 --> 00:08:15,190
with his annual bender.
197
00:08:15,256 --> 00:08:17,528
Doctor Hartman
and his overbearing mother.
198
00:08:17,595 --> 00:08:18,764
They never travel apart.
199
00:08:18,864 --> 00:08:20,367
If he could just meet
the right woman,
200
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,839
he'd find the independence
he needs.
201
00:08:22,939 --> 00:08:25,911
Ah, Principal Shepherd,
newly single.
202
00:08:25,978 --> 00:08:28,216
Lost half the school
in the divorce.
203
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:33,159
The Librarian, never married.
204
00:08:33,226 --> 00:08:34,696
Adult Disney woman.
205
00:08:34,763 --> 00:08:36,332
First kiss was with a boy
at theater camp
206
00:08:36,399 --> 00:08:39,038
who would one day get beaten up
by David Hyde Pierce
207
00:08:39,104 --> 00:08:40,941
for being too fancy.
208
00:08:41,008 --> 00:08:43,046
I say, Brian, do you know
what these guests need?
209
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:44,949
STEWIE'S ECHO:
First to arrive is Tom Tucker,
210
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:47,020
here to celebrate the
anniversary of his divorce...
211
00:08:47,087 --> 00:08:48,824
Damn it, I guess
the blanket fell down.
212
00:08:48,891 --> 00:08:50,493
Well, I've got 12 seconds.
213
00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:51,863
What these guests need is
someone to arrange
214
00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:53,600
a little romance in their lives.
215
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,236
And I'm the perfect man
for the job.
216
00:08:55,303 --> 00:08:57,842
After all, I do all
of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking.
217
00:08:57,909 --> 00:09:01,817
So, you're not interested in
having sex with Kevin Spacey?
218
00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:04,689
Oh, good,
Kevin's going to love that.
219
00:09:07,494 --> 00:09:09,632
Hey, you know anything
about podcasts?
220
00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,469
I've been getting
into podcasts.
221
00:09:11,536 --> 00:09:14,241
That's great! I love podcasts.
222
00:09:14,341 --> 00:09:15,778
Which ones are you listening to?
223
00:09:15,878 --> 00:09:18,282
I really like this one
called Cereal.
224
00:09:18,382 --> 00:09:20,721
(loud chewing over radio)
225
00:09:20,788 --> 00:09:22,959
SARAH KOENIG:
That was corn flakes.
226
00:09:23,025 --> 00:09:24,461
Or was it?
227
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:26,465
The answer
at the bottom of the bowl
228
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,369
isn't always what you expect.
229
00:09:28,469 --> 00:09:30,508
I'm Sarah Koenig,
and this...
230
00:09:30,608 --> 00:09:34,448
�(loud chewing)
�...is Cereal.
231
00:09:34,516 --> 00:09:36,118
(engine stops)
232
00:09:37,588 --> 00:09:38,891
Dad! Dad!
233
00:09:38,957 --> 00:09:41,328
I�I think I mixed up
Mayor West's bags
234
00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:42,799
with Bruce and Jeffrey's!
235
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,468
BOTH:
Leather chaps.
236
00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:46,540
Saddle. Bullwhip.
237
00:09:46,606 --> 00:09:49,077
Rope. Sheriff's badges.
238
00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:53,720
Saddlebags. Saddle soap.
Fancy boots.
239
00:09:53,821 --> 00:09:55,825
�Yep, this is ours.
�Yep, this is mine.
240
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:02,003
All right, Brian,
I've devised a way
241
00:10:02,104 --> 00:10:04,642
to get the Librarian
and Doctor Hartman together.
242
00:10:04,709 --> 00:10:06,045
You see,
I've prepared a batch
243
00:10:06,112 --> 00:10:08,316
of Martha Stewart's
chokiest scones.
244
00:10:08,382 --> 00:10:11,021
So when the Librarian eats one,
she'll start choking,
245
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:13,159
and Doctor Hartman over there
will save her
246
00:10:13,259 --> 00:10:14,696
with the Heimlich maneuver.
247
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:17,300
Here she comes!
248
00:10:18,704 --> 00:10:20,641
(chuckling):
Oh, these are going to go
249
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:22,778
straight to my thighs.
250
00:10:22,845 --> 00:10:25,618
Now if only I could find
a man to do the same.
251
00:10:25,718 --> 00:10:28,089
(laughing)
252
00:10:28,189 --> 00:10:29,324
Oh.
253
00:10:30,293 --> 00:10:32,565
Ooh, these are a little...
254
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,702
(coughs)
These are a little dry.
255
00:10:34,769 --> 00:10:37,775
(coughs, laughs)
256
00:10:37,842 --> 00:10:41,248
(coughing, choking)
257
00:10:41,315 --> 00:10:42,685
Okay, remain calm.
258
00:10:42,752 --> 00:10:45,223
I've done this before.
Stop, drop and roll.
259
00:10:45,323 --> 00:10:47,427
(choking, coughing)
260
00:10:47,494 --> 00:10:49,131
N�No, wait. No, wait.
I know this.
261
00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:50,935
Okay, remember
your medical training.
262
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:54,174
"If a patient chokes on food,
do the tummy�squeezy move."
263
00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:55,176
Yep, that�that�that's it!
264
00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,882
(grunting)
265
00:10:59,552 --> 00:11:00,821
(gasps)
266
00:11:00,888 --> 00:11:03,560
You�you saved my life!
267
00:11:03,627 --> 00:11:06,265
Oh, how can I ever repay you?
268
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,336
♪ ♪
269
00:11:09,171 --> 00:11:10,206
Money?
270
00:11:10,273 --> 00:11:13,547
SHEPHERD:
May I have your attention, please?
271
00:11:13,614 --> 00:11:16,151
I believe you dropped this.
272
00:11:17,722 --> 00:11:20,293
The blueberries are
still intact.
273
00:11:20,393 --> 00:11:23,232
Shame to let something so sweet
go to waste.
274
00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:25,571
Oh! Thank you, sir.
275
00:11:25,638 --> 00:11:26,973
Uh�oh, Brian,
looks like we've got
276
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,311
a love triangle on our hands.
277
00:11:29,378 --> 00:11:31,048
I'll treasure this forever.
278
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,720
(chuckles):
Well, don't wait too long.
279
00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:37,260
It'll liquefy from the enzymes
in your saliva.
280
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,364
(both laugh)
281
00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:46,646
Okay, last load.
282
00:11:46,713 --> 00:11:48,884
Chris, will you help me
fold these sheets?
283
00:11:48,951 --> 00:11:51,957
�Sure, sounds easy.
�They're fitted.
284
00:11:52,023 --> 00:11:53,459
♪ ♪
285
00:11:53,527 --> 00:11:56,098
(projector whirring)
286
00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:00,808
♪ ♪
287
00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:14,034
♪ ♪
288
00:12:24,421 --> 00:12:26,458
♪ ♪
289
00:12:30,099 --> 00:12:31,937
All right,
I got to find a bathroom
290
00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:34,842
because that's mostly
what life is after 60.
291
00:12:35,611 --> 00:12:37,848
�(quiet chatter)
�(scattered crying)
292
00:12:43,192 --> 00:12:44,963
Oh. Excuse me.
293
00:12:45,029 --> 00:12:46,933
Oh, no, it's my fault, really.
294
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,173
I have a brain thing where
I go blind every 45 seconds.
295
00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:53,212
Hi, I'm Jacqueline.
I'm Meredith's sister.
296
00:12:53,279 --> 00:12:56,118
Really?
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
297
00:12:56,185 --> 00:12:59,826
I'm Lois.
I�I'm so sorry for your loss.
298
00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:03,165
Meredith was my nanny
a long time ago.
299
00:13:03,232 --> 00:13:04,434
Oh, is that right?
300
00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:06,773
Oh, that�� well, that's so
nice of you to make the trip.
301
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,912
You see, Meredith��
Dark, darkness,
302
00:13:10,013 --> 00:13:12,585
darkness,
just ride it out.
303
00:13:12,652 --> 00:13:14,589
And... we're back!
304
00:13:14,656 --> 00:13:16,893
Meredith loved her time
as a nanny.
305
00:13:16,993 --> 00:13:21,402
It's a shame she had to
give it up after the affair.
306
00:13:21,503 --> 00:13:23,172
Affair?
307
00:13:23,272 --> 00:13:25,911
I know.
We try not to talk about it.
308
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:28,316
Some rich guy
in Rhode Island. (scoffs)
309
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:31,121
They were seeing each other,
but then his wife found out
310
00:13:31,188 --> 00:13:33,225
and forced him to fire her.
311
00:13:33,326 --> 00:13:34,562
(gasps)
312
00:13:35,864 --> 00:13:38,202
So that's what happened.
313
00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:39,739
Tragic, isn't it?
314
00:13:39,806 --> 00:13:42,177
She had nowhere to go,
so she came back here
315
00:13:42,277 --> 00:13:45,316
to our childhood home
of ThreeStatesAway.
316
00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:46,953
I don't believe it.
317
00:13:47,053 --> 00:13:49,424
I don't believe the Earth
is round, so that's me.
318
00:13:49,491 --> 00:13:52,464
Oh, excuse me,
the funeral director is here.
319
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:54,936
I'm trying to avoid paying him.
320
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:58,342
Daddy and Meredith had
an affair?
321
00:13:58,409 --> 00:13:59,946
That's why she left me!
322
00:14:00,046 --> 00:14:01,248
Oh, this is horrible.
323
00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:03,386
�I have to call my husband.
�(phone beeps)
324
00:14:03,452 --> 00:14:05,724
PETER:
Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Lois.
325
00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:07,728
�Peter?!
�I'll transfer you.
326
00:14:07,795 --> 00:14:09,498
�(hold music playing)
�(line rings)
327
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:12,003
CHRIS:
The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Mom.
328
00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:14,074
�Chris?!
�I'll transfer you.
329
00:14:14,174 --> 00:14:17,247
�(hold music playing)
�(line rings)
330
00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:19,819
�MEG: Pewterschmidt Hotel
laundry. �Meg?
331
00:14:19,919 --> 00:14:21,556
�Mom?
�Yeah, I'll transfer you.
332
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,507
Daddy, you had an affair
with Meredith?
333
00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:31,910
How could you?
334
00:14:31,976 --> 00:14:33,847
Lois, honey,
you don't understand.
335
00:14:33,947 --> 00:14:35,483
The horn part in "Sussudio"
336
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:38,155
gave your mother a headache
that lasted five years.
337
00:14:38,222 --> 00:14:39,525
What was I supposed to do?
338
00:14:39,592 --> 00:14:40,994
Yeah, I don't want to hear it.
339
00:14:41,095 --> 00:14:43,232
Do you have any idea
what that woman meant to me?
340
00:14:43,332 --> 00:14:46,973
While you were off working
or golfing or God knows what,
341
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,910
she was at my piano recitals
342
00:14:48,977 --> 00:14:51,181
or�or teaching me
how to tie my shoes.
343
00:14:51,248 --> 00:14:53,185
She was the only person
in that house
344
00:14:53,252 --> 00:14:56,058
who was really there for me,
and you took her away!
345
00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:57,928
Well,
what was I supposed to tell you,
346
00:14:57,995 --> 00:14:59,932
how many Viagras
and what position?
347
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:03,507
Six, and something I call
"The Old Pocketknife."
348
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,984
Evening.
349
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:11,956
I'm looking forward
to the doctor being in.
350
00:15:12,023 --> 00:15:14,762
Oh. (laughs)
351
00:15:14,862 --> 00:15:16,031
Hello, there.
352
00:15:16,131 --> 00:15:18,770
Maybe I could see you
between periods.
353
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:20,908
Oh. (laughs)
354
00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:22,711
Looks like you've got
your hands full.
355
00:15:22,778 --> 00:15:24,515
(chuckling):
You're telling me.
356
00:15:24,615 --> 00:15:26,151
I just don't know what to do.
357
00:15:26,251 --> 00:15:28,122
Well, who do you think
I should choose?
358
00:15:28,189 --> 00:15:30,226
Well, if it were me
in this situation,
359
00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:33,032
I'd just go along for the ride
and see what happens.
360
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:35,838
That's it?
That's your advice?
361
00:15:35,904 --> 00:15:37,340
Well, it's just what I...
362
00:15:37,407 --> 00:15:40,246
You know, I'm trying to take
some agency in my life,
363
00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:43,252
and you're over here telling me
to just "see what happens."
364
00:15:43,319 --> 00:15:45,757
�That's not helpful.
�Threesome?
365
00:15:45,858 --> 00:15:47,561
(gasps) Excuse me?
366
00:15:47,628 --> 00:15:49,799
Uh, not with me!
367
00:15:49,899 --> 00:15:51,368
With me?
368
00:15:53,172 --> 00:15:55,076
Before we begin our service,
369
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:57,615
I'd like to remind everyone
that I became a priest
370
00:15:57,715 --> 00:16:01,388
after my divorce, so yes,
I have had intercourse.
371
00:16:01,455 --> 00:16:04,461
�To start things off...
�(whispering indistinctly)
372
00:16:04,529 --> 00:16:07,835
�Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight?
�(whispering)
373
00:16:07,935 --> 00:16:09,572
Oh, I misheard that completely.
374
00:16:09,639 --> 00:16:12,511
I've just been told that a
special friend of our Meredith
375
00:16:12,578 --> 00:16:15,449
has made a long trip
just to be here today.
376
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:19,324
I'd like to ask Lois Griffin
to say a few words.
377
00:16:19,391 --> 00:16:21,128
(murmuring)
378
00:16:21,195 --> 00:16:22,698
That's the daughter
of the richest man
379
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,602
the dead lady ever worked for.
380
00:16:25,637 --> 00:16:27,875
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
381
00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:30,413
I, uh, I�I just wanted to be
here today
382
00:16:30,479 --> 00:16:33,285
to say goodbye to Meredith
and thank you.
383
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:37,126
Thank you for raising me,
and�and�and for being there
384
00:16:37,227 --> 00:16:39,130
when no one else was.
385
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:41,168
That's why I was so hurt
when you left,
386
00:16:41,235 --> 00:16:42,938
and I always held it
against you,
387
00:16:43,038 --> 00:16:46,345
but now I realize
i�it wasn't your fault.
388
00:16:46,445 --> 00:16:47,882
You know she can't hear you,
right?
389
00:16:47,948 --> 00:16:50,019
But no matter what happened,
Meredith,
390
00:16:50,086 --> 00:16:52,691
thank you for being my teacher.
391
00:16:52,758 --> 00:16:54,294
Even today, you're teaching me
392
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:58,369
that the people you love most
of all can still betray you.
393
00:17:01,241 --> 00:17:04,715
And now, a reading from Paul's
letter to the Corinthians.
394
00:17:04,782 --> 00:17:06,920
"Dear Corinthians,
camp is good.
395
00:17:06,986 --> 00:17:09,157
"Yesterday we had hot dogs.
396
00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:11,461
"Please send strawberry
Big League Chew
397
00:17:11,529 --> 00:17:14,502
but wrap it in a towel because
we're not allowed to have it."
398
00:17:14,602 --> 00:17:17,006
�Amen.
�ALL: Amen.
399
00:17:17,106 --> 00:17:19,211
(indistinct chatter)
400
00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,726
(engine starts)
401
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,205
♪ ♪
402
00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:47,300
♪ ♪
403
00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,279
�(phone beeps)
�Hey, it's Pewterschmidt.
404
00:17:53,345 --> 00:17:55,817
You still have that
all�night construction crew?
405
00:17:55,884 --> 00:17:57,320
I need a favor.
406
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,792
Hey, you owe me.
I picked you up from LAX.
407
00:17:59,859 --> 00:18:03,165
You have to do anything I ever
ask for the rest of time.
408
00:18:03,232 --> 00:18:05,537
(string quartet playing)
409
00:18:06,506 --> 00:18:08,543
(lively chatter)
410
00:18:11,114 --> 00:18:13,352
Ah, there's our belle
of the ball.
411
00:18:13,452 --> 00:18:15,590
And she's chosen a suitor!
412
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,771
Well, you two look happy.
413
00:18:22,838 --> 00:18:25,276
�How'd you decide?
�Money.
414
00:18:25,343 --> 00:18:29,250
But I do feel bad for leaving
Principal Shepherd all alone.
415
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,254
Oh, you leave that to me.
416
00:18:31,321 --> 00:18:35,129
I may have one more clever
scheme hidden up my sleeve.
417
00:18:42,511 --> 00:18:44,815
(both grunt)
418
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,155
♪ ♪
419
00:18:52,096 --> 00:18:54,067
Oh, my. (laughs)
420
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,873
This may be one of
my ocular migraines talking,
421
00:18:56,939 --> 00:18:58,576
but I see fireworks.
422
00:18:58,643 --> 00:19:01,014
Can I ask, is that licorice
on your breath,
423
00:19:01,081 --> 00:19:03,052
or is that just
my licorice breath
424
00:19:03,118 --> 00:19:05,056
bouncing out of your mouth?
425
00:19:05,122 --> 00:19:07,226
Why don't you get in here
and find out?
426
00:19:07,293 --> 00:19:09,532
(moaning softly)
427
00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:17,246
(brakes squeal)
428
00:19:18,048 --> 00:19:20,086
Wha�� Oh, are we home?
429
00:19:20,152 --> 00:19:21,622
Why aren't we going
up the driveway?
430
00:19:21,689 --> 00:19:24,595
Come on. I have to show you
something first.
431
00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:30,006
♪ ♪
432
00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:31,341
(gasps)
433
00:19:36,018 --> 00:19:38,255
♪ ♪
434
00:19:42,397 --> 00:19:44,635
�Daddy, what is this?
�It's yours.
435
00:19:44,702 --> 00:19:48,943
I had to call in a favor or two,
but it's all for you.
436
00:19:50,714 --> 00:19:54,855
I figured you can come here to
sit whenever you miss Meredith.
437
00:19:54,922 --> 00:19:57,293
Daddy, this is beautiful.
438
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,730
I'm sorry, Lois.
439
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:01,869
You were right,
people you love can betray you.
440
00:20:01,969 --> 00:20:05,176
But if they're rich enough,
they can buy apology ponds.
441
00:20:05,276 --> 00:20:07,514
Thank you, Daddy.
442
00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:11,689
(phone chimes and buzzes)
443
00:20:11,756 --> 00:20:14,427
Oh, no, Rafael,
the old gardener, died.
444
00:20:14,494 --> 00:20:16,331
I have a story
I have to tell you
445
00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,636
and, spoiler alert,
you'll be getting another pond.
446
00:20:25,449 --> 00:20:28,455
Well, Dad, I guess
our hotel worked out,
447
00:20:28,556 --> 00:20:30,560
and we actually made
a decent profit.
448
00:20:30,627 --> 00:20:33,499
We sure did, son,
but we still got work to do.
449
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,238
Hi, everybody, I'm your
karaoke host, Peter Griffin.
450
00:20:36,304 --> 00:20:38,510
I will be up here
far too many times tonight.
451
00:20:38,576 --> 00:20:40,179
Just a quick reminder
to all of you
452
00:20:40,279 --> 00:20:41,716
that even though
we haven't started yet,
453
00:20:41,816 --> 00:20:43,653
there's already
an hour and 45�minute wait.
454
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,991
So go ahead and write
down the song you want to sing,
455
00:20:46,057 --> 00:20:47,360
hand it to me,
and I will let
456
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:49,999
15 musical theater people
go before you.
457
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:50,934
Remember, no repeats.
458
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,738
We want to give everybody
a chance to sing,
459
00:20:52,838 --> 00:20:55,977
although there will be the same
rotation of five people up here
460
00:20:56,077 --> 00:20:57,480
over and over doing duets.
461
00:20:57,581 --> 00:20:59,985
All right, who's ready
for me to kick things off
462
00:21:00,085 --> 00:21:02,423
and then go third and sixth?
463
00:21:02,473 --> 00:21:07,023
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