All language subtitles for Assisted Living s02e10 Yolo.eng

- Don't make no sense.

Change gon' come.

- You still here?
- Yeah, man.

I was about
to head out, though.

Hey, did you know
because of the turn out

that they had down at City Hall,

they're going to call
a Town Hall meeting

in about two weeks.

- Good, very good.
- Yeah.

Change gon' come.

I'ma holla at you later, man,
alright?

- [farting and cha-ching sound]

- What's that noise?

- A joyful noise.

- ♪ ♪

- ♪ ♪

- ♪

- [sniffs] Hey, hey,
what's that smell?

It's like somewhere in
between week-old chitlins

and--and third-world
dumpster.

- Um, that smell would be
your father, Son.

- You're crazy.
I don't stink.

[sniffing]

Ah, yeah, it's me, I stink
real bad.

Just to be clear,
that scent, that smell,

that's the scent
of hard work.

Something y'all don't
know nothing about.

- Well, I'm doing the hard
work of trying to pass--

pass...

- Hey, hey, look.
- Uh.

- I haven't eaten
breakfast yet,

and I've already
mowed the lawn,

fixed the water heater,
and I've listened to

Anastasia tell me the story
about the time

she went skydiving
with Dolemite twice.

- Why don't you take
a much-needed break, right?

And then me and you can
go find us a greasy spoon,

and get us some pancakes
like we used to before we had

responsibilities and stuff, you
know what I'm saying.

- I would love to, baby, but
we do have responsibilities,

alright, I got a million
things to do around here.

I just can't right now.

- It's fine.

I wanted to sit here and
eat this soggy-ass cereal

for breakfast anyway.

- Maybe tomorrow, okay?

- Oh, Efe wanted me to
tell you that

you need to fix his toilet
again.

- Alright, sorry, baby,
maybe next month.

- He said that it's doing
that thing again where

it's yelling at him.
I don't know.

It always seems so angry.
- Yeah, it's probably

'cause of what Efe
is feeding it.

- [phone dings]

- Who is texting you, boy?

It better not be that
girl from your algebra class

with the dookie braids that
was twerking at the talent show.

- [sighs] Man, I wish Big Booty
Judy was blowing me up,

but, no, it's the school's
basketball coach.

- What did the coach
want?

- Uh, he's begging me
to try out for the team.

- The coach must have heard
how much of a baller

your daddy was back
in the day. Uh, for three!

- [coughs]
Oh lord.

- Really?
- That's brutal.

That's brutal.
- There you go trying

to relive your so-called
"glory days."

- They're called glory days
because I won a championship.

- You were 11.

- And? What that mean?

Shoot, the team--the other
team we played against, ssh,

they were advanced.
- Uh, how advanced

could they be in fifth grade?

- Well, they had tattoos,
alright?

Now, come on, chop-chop.

What you waiting for?
Let's go.

- My waffles to come
out the toaster.

- Man, forget them
waffles.

You got tryouts today,

it's time to get you
prepared, alright?

Go get your ball.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I thought you had a lot
of work to do today.

Like taking a bath.
- Listen, Son.

There are some things
in life that are way

more important than work.

And living your dreams
vicariously through your son

is one of them.
- Alright.

- ♪

- ♪ No matter what
you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember
blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it
if we stay together ♪♪

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good workout, Son.

Think you're ready
for your tryout.

- [whistle blows]
- Timeout, timeout.

- [whistle blows]
- The boy is not ready.

- Grandpa, slow your roll.
I got this.

This is my son, alright?

- [whistle blows]
- Whatever he got,

you definitely don't want.

I've seen your daddy play.

- Please, I had game.
- VINNY: [laughs]

- [whistle blows]

- Let's see what game
you had was--

Sorry, that's what you had.

The game Sorry, yeah.

- I was like a young
LeBron James with it.

- Hold up.
- [whistle blows]

- You were like a young
LeBron Shames.

Now your granddad on
the other hand,

stupid skills.
- Alright, what was

your playground nickname?
- See, they call me

The GOAT, baby. [laughs]

- Okay,
Greatest of All Time?

- No, no, like an actual goat.

See, your granddaddy wasn't
fond of deodorant,

but, man, I could play
it on that playground.

I was something else, boy.

- Man, I've coached him
up great, okay? Alright.

Now that crossover is butter.

He dropping dimes.
- Oooh-hoo.

- And that J is what?

- BOTH: Wet.

- [laughs] Look, I don't
even know if you trying

to teach a boy how to
play basketball,

how to cook, how to lose
money, take a bath.

I don't know what the hell
you trying to teach him.

- What he's saying is,
he coached me on how

to dribble, pass, and shoot.

- You're not teaching him

the fundamentals of the game,
man.

The most important part
of the game!

- And what's that?
- Trash talking.

I mean, how to get up in
a player's head, man.

- Trash talking?

- And you gotta hit 'em with
the, "Your grandmamma

got one tooth, take her
a month to eat corn."

You gotta hit him with, "Your
grandmamma got a job

at the bakery fixing broken
biscuits."

[laughs]
Throw his game off.

He be like, "What am I
gonna do?'

- Well, guess what?

My grandmother
was your wife.

- Mm.

Stay out of my head, boy.

- Okay, first lesson,

forget everything
Grandpa just said, alright?

He's nuts.

- Oh, nice cheerleading
outfit.

- This was the costume
I wore in my movie

"Disco Kung-Fu Cheerleaders

Funk Up Detroit."

- Think I've seen that.
- And I heard that there

was a budding basketball
star out here,

and I wanted to come
and cheer you on to victory.

- Okay, well, let's see
what you got.

- Well, that's why
I wore this,

darling.
- Eh.

I meant show us a cheer.

- Oh, right.
Okay.

Don't score me any weed,
or LSD,

just score a basket
for me, yeah!

Go! Team! Whoo!

- Really, Miss Anastasia?

- What?

I haven't cheered
since the '70s.

My back.

- Well, this was
really fun, Dad.

- Yeah, yeah, you just remember
this when you go

to the NBA.
[laughs]

I had fun, too, Son.
- [horn honking]

- Oh, there's your ride.

- Oh, I thought you
were taking me.

- Nah, man, I got a lot of stuff
to do around here, just took

a couple minutes so I could get
my son in shape, you know?

But your homie Peanut,

his father
gonna give you a ride.

Yeah, that's my boy!
Yeah!

NBA!

- ♪

- Miss Anastasia?

I was wondering if you
could give me some advice.

- Oh, darling.

I'm only qualified to
give advice in three areas:

fame, romance,

and what to look for in a good
attorney.

Divorce attorney,
that is.

- Right. I need to know how to
set a romantic scene.

- I'm wondering, is this
not something you should

ask your mother?

- Oh, I'd rather
talk to you.

You know, you just seem
like you've been around.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- I'm not sure whether to
be offended

or to pat myself on the back.

- Oh, no, no, I don't
mean like you're a thot

or anything, you know,
you're just so classy

and experienced with
fancy things.

I mean, you're obviously
the most qualified person here.

- I can't disagree with you
there.

So you wanna set up
a romantic mood?

- Mm-hmm.

- Who's the lucky fella?
Lindor?

- Oh, I'd rather not say.

- Ooh, is it a spy?
An international spy?

That if you told someone
the Soviet Union would

terminate him?
- What's the Soviet Union?

- Whoever it is,

candlelight is key,
the more the better.

The soft light will hide
your crowfeet.

- Ew. I don't have
crow's feet.

I get pedicures
on the regular.

- And don't forget
the roses,

however many you can
afford.

White if the relationship
is new.

Yellow if you're gonna
be friends.

And red if you're
ready for the hubba-bubba.

- And what is
hubba-bubba?

- For you, darling,
it's holding hands.

- Oh, okay, red roses,
then definitely red.

- Mood music and
dessert are also a must,

but both must be like
Smokey Robinson.

Dipped in sugar,
light and sweet.

- This is gonna be
so good.

Thank you for doing me
this favor.

- My pleasure!

- Oh, one more favor.

Could you not tell my parents
about our little conversation?

- I hadn't planned to,

but now I'm wondering
if I should.

- I just don't want them asking
a hundred million questions.

You know, I was just curious
about how to set

a romantic scene
for the far future.

- The future?

- Far, far sometime later.
[laughs]

- Okay, dear.

- How come adults always
ask so many questions?

- Hey, Sis, love that
shirt on you.

- Okay, who are you?

And what have you done
with my little brother?

- What?
It's a wonderful day.

And I can't be happy?

- Okay, okay, I get it.

You made the basketball
team, congratulations.

- No, I didn't.

- Okay, well, then I think
I need to go get Mom,

because you definitely took
a major blow to the head.

You know failure's supposed
to make you sad, right?

- Yeah, I'd be sad if
I wanted to make the team.

But I didn't,
so score.

- You didn't wanna
make the team?

- No, I don't
wanna play.

The only reason I tried
out is because

Dad seemed excited, so I used
it as an opportunity

to spend some time together.

- Oh.

- Hey, there's my future
NBA star.

Man, how did tryouts go?

- Great.

- So you made the team?

- I sure did.
- Ah, that's my boy.

Yeah, yeah, proud
of you, Son.

Yeah, man, good job.

Yeah, what y'all
talking about?

- Uh--
- Oh, nothing.

Just about how great
the tryouts were.

- Oh yeah?

- ♪

- Go for three!

that sounds so good.

- Good afternoon, Sandra.

- Hi.

Sorry, ear hustler alert.

- That girl is
up to something.

It's not ladylike to
eavesdrop, Anastasia.

- [humming]

- Efe, you're not a lady.

- Not the last time
I checked.

But I do like puppy videos and
pumpkin spice everything.

- Sandra is up to something.

I need you to eavesdrop.

- Why don't you eavesdrop?

- It's beneath me.

- And why is it not
beneath me?

- This morning, I saw you
eat a nacho off the floor,

and you didn't bother
to blow off the stray hair.

- That is a valid point.

But I must remind you that
my hearing is not as good

as it used to be.
- Mine isn't either.

Perhaps we should combine
our hearing powers.

- Ooh, I can hear
her clearly.

She's planning "to meet
Bell Biv Devoe to fight."

- No, she's planning
a romantic rendezvous tonight.

- No, I believe I'm
correct.

You cannot trust
a big butt and a smile.

- Shhh!
- Oh, okay.

She says she's going to
"sneak up and slap Neo."

- Oh, no.

She says to "sneak up
the back patio."

- Oh, this is like
the fable of the blind man

that was
describing an elephant.

Did you hear that?
She said "Linda."

Who is Linda?

- No, nincompoop,
she said Lindor!

We got it!

She is setting up
a romantic rendezvous

tonight on the patio
with Lindor.

- I disagree.

I believe she's plotting
to beat Neo, Bell,

and Bell Biv Devoe.

But you can do you.

Me, I'm going to have
some hair-free nachos.

Check it out.

- Jeremy, I have
something very important

to talk to you about.

- Ok, whatever it is,
it's not more important

Than us getting to
Philip's game.

And we need to get
there ASAP.

- Okay?
- It's about...

something that can wait.

Good luck with your game,
Philip.

- Wait, Philip, you're
going to the game?

- Of course he's going
to the game.

He's the starting point guard.

And guess who his dad is?

- Philip, you let Dad
get a custom jersey?

Wow.

- Grandpa was gonna get
one too, but the people

that made it, they wouldn't
make one that said,

"Your granny has
tetherball boobs."

- And so, Philip, where's
your uniform at?

- My--my uniform?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, um,
it's in my locker.

- Oh, it's in your locker?
- Where else would it be?

- I can't wait to see you
score your first basket.

- I can't wait to see
how this ends.

- ♪

- Hey! I need to talk
to Mr. Reginald

so he can find me a lawyer,
'cause I'm taking that coach

to court.
- Well, what happened?

- First, they gave everybody
on the team a uniform

except my son.

So, Philip was forced
to wear his PE clothes.

Right?
- Right.

- Well, that's horrible.

- Then they didn't have
enough room for him

on the bench next to
his teammates,

so he had to sit
in the bleachers

next to the bench.
Right?

- What kind of coach
does that?

- Then to top it off--
top it off.

They were getting
blown out,

and he still didn't
put Philip in the game.

He had all these scrubs
in, but not my son?

Come on, man.
- Exactly, 40, 50 points.

- Jeremy, please tell me
you kept your cool.

- Yeah, I kept
my cool.

- Tell the truth.

- I mean, as long as
I could.

- Jeremy, what did
you do?

- All I did was try to
get a chant going,

saying "Put Philip in."

And then security came
out of nowhere,

put me in a headlock,
hit me with a stick!

- Wait a minute now.

- They got on the walkie-talkie
talking about some,

"We got a 10-13."
- Uh, Jeremy you know

a 10-13 is a code for
mental health issues?

- No, I didn't know
that.

And then I might have
kicked the mascot

in the tail feather
on my way out.

- What?

You know what?

This story isn't
quite adding up.

You are awfully quiet
over there, Son.

- Yeah, I mean, I'm...

awfully quiet
when I'm tired.

That game--that game took
a lot out of me.

Matter of fact, I'm
gonna head to bed.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What you mean you tired?
You didn't get in the game.

What you tired for?
Sit your butt down.

- Are you sure you told
us the whole story?

- Maybe.

- What you mean maybe?
Ain't no maybe.

Either you did or you didn't.

- Okay, would you
believe me if I said

the coach wanted me to
rest for the next game?

- No.

- Fine, I--

I didn't make the team.
- [laughing]

You're serious?

- Of course, he's serious,
baby.

No uniform,
no seat on the bench.

Everyone thinks
you're crazy.

- You know what?
- Hmm?

- Now that I think
about it,

you weren't even
in the program.

And he told me that
all the girls

tore out his page
of the program

so they could get
his autograph.

- LEAH:
You believe that?

- I mean, it sounded
good to me at the time.

- It sounded like something
you wanted to believe.

You're so busy trying
to relive your glory days

through our son, you missed
all the obvious signs.

And almost got yourself
arrested again.

- Huh-uh, huh-uh, you're
not gonna put this on me.

I'm not the one that was
out there lying

to their father, got me
up at the school looking

like boo-boo the fool.
- Jeremy, calm down.

- You know what?

I can't believe you,
man.

Just go to your room.

- But, Dad--
- Go!

- What are we gonna do
about this kid lying--

- I hate to intrude,
but it's quite urgent.

- Well, what is it,
Miss Anastasia?

- Sandra, I believe she's
planning a romantic rendezvous

tonight on the back patio
after everyone goes to sleep.

- With who?

- Lindor.
- [sighs]

- Sandra!
- Shh! Jeremy. Jeremy.

Let me handle this,
baby, this needs to be

a mother-daughter conversation.

- Why? She went behind
my back too.

- Uh, just let me
handle it.

- Alright, but if I catch
Lindor

trying to sneak up in
here again--

- Mm-hmm.
- --it's gonna be a 10-13.

- Okay.
- A 10-14, and a 10-15.

- Um--
- Yeah, that's super crazy.

- Crazy.

- ♪

- What's new, Sandra?

- Oh, uh, nothing.

- Oh no?

You're a little jumpy
this evening.

What's on your mind?
- [phone dings]

- Oh, you know?

- Why you keep
checking your phone?

- Because I'm a teenager.

- Keep getting smart
with me.

I know what you're up to,
young lady.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

- Your father and I may
not know how to TickyTocky,

but we're not stupid.

And frankly, I'm-I'm
disappointed that you felt

like you had to keep
your planning tonight

a secret from your mother.

- Of course I did.
What are you talking about?

- Denying it 'til
the very end, huh?

I'm talking about this.

- [sighs]
- Mm-hmm.

Setting up your little
romantic scene tonight.

You got a million candles
out here.

Dozens of roses.

And--and a white tablecloth

with chocolate covered
strawberries.

- Are you happy now, Mom?

You ruined everything.

- No, Sandra, you ruined
everything.

You ruined everything.

Had you told me what you
were planning this evening,

maybe I could have helped
you with your little date

with Lindor.
- Lindor?

- Oh-oh-oh, it's too late
to play dumb.

Your mother's smart.
I know everything.

- Oh, oh, you know
everything, do you?

- Mm-hmm.
- Tell me what you know.

- I know that you were
on the phone with Lindor

planning your little
romantic evening.

- I was on the phone with
Linda, Mom. Linda.

- Who is Linda?

- She's the event planner
that dropped all this stuff off.

She's who I've been texting.

She just left.

Lindor has nothing
to do with this.

- You don't go through
this kind of trouble

to set up a romantic
date night for nobody.

- It's not my date, Mom,
it's yours.

- Me?

- I set all this up for
you and Dad.

That's why I was keeping
it a secret from you both.

- [door opens]
- Ah-ha!

Caught you in the act!
- Jeremy, wait.

- Yeah, where is he?
Where is L. Debarge?

- I don't know,
at his house.

- Oh, you got jokes, huh?
- Jeremy.

Uh, this beautiful
romantic date night...

was set up for us.

- Wait, what?

- Look, Dad, you and Mom
haven't had much time

to spend together, so
I thought I'd just set up

a date night for you two.

- You planned all of this
for us?

- Yes.

And I know you're mad
at Philip.

I knew he didn't
make the team.

He only tried out as a way
to spend time with you, Dad.

- No.
- He told me.

- I think when he found
out he didn't make the team

he didn't know how to
tell you.

He didn't want you to be
ashamed of him.

- Ashamed of my son?

Son, I could never
be ashamed of you.

You understand me?

- Yeah, Dad.

- Look, I'm sorry for
pushing you, okay?

Alright, now from this
point on, whatever it is

that you wanna do, I'm
behind you 100%, okay?

Alright, come on,
everybody.

We having a family
date night.

- Really?
- Let's go!

- [laughs] I want those
chocolate-covered strawberries.

- Yeah, you make sure y'all
save some dessert for me.

- Yeah, yeah, see, this is what
you've been training for, Son.

Yeah, eye of the tiger,
baby.

Yeah, oh, you got this.
You got this.

Yeah, what you gonna
do?

You ain't gonna do
nothing. Huh-uh.

You can't handle him.
You can't see him.

Mostly because you're
farsighted.

- I realize that this
is a competition,

but, uh, hooligan
trash talk doesn't work

in a civilized game
of chess.

- Checkmate.
- Ah!

Look like there's a new
GOAT in town,

and it's my boy.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

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