All language subtitles for te ff

[ Man Narrating ]
We are often told...

that happily ever afters exist
only in the pages of fairy tales...

and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.

And yet, on this bright,
sunny Boston afternoon,

a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,

proving two things:

Happy endings can come true
for anyone,

and America doesn't
give a shit about anything.

Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Ted, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- Fuckin'-A right, I do!
- [ Giggles ]

Then, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bear.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

Thank you, folks!

We're gonna take a short break
and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.

♪♪ [ "Celebration" ]

[ Deejay ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
your newlyweds!

[ Cheering ]

Teddy, this is
the best day of my life.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, baby.

I'm gonna go 50 shades
of bear on you tonight.

- Let's go get shit-faced.
- Okay.

♪ Celebrate good times
Come on ♪
Thank you.

♪ Let's celebrate ♪

♪ There's a party goin' on
right here ♪

- Hey, congrats, you mofos.
- Oh. Hey, Guy.

- Beautiful ceremony.
- Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it.

Hey, this is my new boyfriend,
Rick.

- How you doing?
- Good, good.

He's a gourmet chef,
so he knows how to toss a salad.

[ Chuckles ]

Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.

Oh, you guys
are getting married?

No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.

[ Chuckles ]
Fuck you. Fuck you.

Deal.

[ New Song ]
♪ It's electric ♪

No! No!
I said no Electric Slide!

Goddamn it, you will not
wreck this night...

with your forced
white people group fun!

♪ It's electric ♪♪

[ New Song ]
♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ The 21st of September? ♪

♪ Love was changin' the minds
of pretenders ♪

Hey, buddy. You okay there?
You look a little down.

Are you still shaking off
that hangover from the bachelor party?

Oh!
That's nice.

Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!

She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.

Look at her.
She wants it bad!

[ Man ] Oh, yeah. She wants more
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?

[ Ted ] That's bigger than the
average bear right there, I'll tell you.

[ Johnny ]
You know what's fucked up?

Dude, that's somebody's
fucking daughter!

Shit! Jesus!
Come on!

[ Ted ] You know what, Johnny?
It's entirely possible it's his daughter.

That's how
it works out there.

♪♪ [ Continues ]
I'm fine. I was... thinking about Lori.

Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.

It's been six months
since you guys got divorced.

I know, I know.
It's just that...

Being back in
that church again?

I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.

Yeah. You're not the first guy
to marry the wrong girl.

Hey, listen, don't let her drag
you down tonight. Okay? This is a party.

I'm sorry, buddy.
I don't mean to mess up your big day.

What? You kiddin'?
You're not the one messing it up.

Check out Tami-Lynn's
asshole brother in the wheelchair.

If you don't dance with me,
you're a monster!

Watch it,
you fuckin' tool!

Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?

You guys wanna celebrate
with a little something else, hmm?

Oh. No, thanks, Sam.

Tami-Lynn would kill me if
I did drugs on our wedding day.

Aw, she won't notice.

I just did a line with a dude
in the men's room,

and I bet you can't
even spot him.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

Hey, hey, what do you say we do
the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.

Fuck it. Let's do it.
There he is!

Attention, everyone.
May I have your attention, please?

Johnny and I have prepared
something very special for you here.

- Let's have it, fellas.
- ♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪ When you hear the sound of
thunder don't you get too scared ♪

♪ Just grab your thunder buddy ♪

♪ And say these magic words ♪

♪ Oh, fuck you, thunder ♪

♪ You can suck my dick ♪

♪ You can't get me, thunder ♪

♪ 'Cause you're just
God's farts ♪♪

- Yeah!
- [ Cheering, Applause ]

♪ I'm steppin' out
with my honey ♪

♪ Can't be bad to feel so good ♪

♪ Never felt quite so sunny ♪

♪ So I keep on knockin' wood ♪

♪ Yeah, steppin' out
with my baby ♪

♪ Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right ♪

♪ Ask me when will the day be ♪

♪ The big day
may be tonight ♪♪

This is the best day of my life!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

I'm curing cancer.
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?

What do I think you do? You're bleeding
us dry is what I think you're doing.

Look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.

What are you buyin' over there, Tami?
Gold bars?

I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?

What do you mean?
You wear a smock.
You're a fucking cashier.

Yeah, so are you.
Yeah, exactly!

And I'm not going out
and buying designer shit!

No, no, no, no, no!
You're just buying weed.

You're just buying drugs.
You should fucking talk!

I was talking.
I was just talking, just now,
until you interrupted me.

I have to interrupt you or else
I never get to fucking say anything!

Are you gonna let me finish talking?
You're always cutting me off!

Are you gonna let me finish
talking? Are you gonna let me finish...

I am trying to climb
the corporate fence here!

Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!

You're acting like an asshole!

What am I actin' like, Tami?
What am I actin' like?

Like an asshole!

You don't got to dress like
Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

I am the face of the business,
okay?

The face of the business?
Jesus Christ!

Listen to you!
You're delusional!

I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.

Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
He treated me good.

And... [ Gasps ]
He had a dick!

He had an awesome dick!

News flash! Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.

What the fuck
did you just call me, fucker?

- What did you fucking say?
- What the fuck?

You wanna call me a whore?

- You wanna throw shit?
- Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!

I'll fucking throw shit!
[ Shouts ] There, see?

- How do you like that?
- Oh, I'm scared, Teddy!

I'm really fucking scared of you,
you little fucking bear!

[ Man ]
Shut the fuck up!
For Christ's sake!

Hey, you shut the fuck up!

Come down and make me,
tough guy.

Why don't you come up here
and make me come down there, tough guy?

I am gonna come up there,
and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Try it, asshole.
Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!

[ All Shouting ]

Shut the fuck up!

Hey, I'm really sorry!
[ Ted ] Yeah, me, too.

She's worse than us.
[ Ted ] She's our enemy now.

♪♪ [ Speakers: Rock ]

[ Johnny Sighs ]
Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?

Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.

$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.

250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!

Doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried
to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

but I came back five minutes later,
she was looking at black cocks.

It seems like every time you go online,
you're two clicks away from black cocks.

Look. See?
I'll Google "Grand Canyon."

Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"

I don't know, man. I got to do
something or my marriage is gonna collapse.

Here you go, guys.
We're gonna be closing in a few,

but I'm going to this after-hours thing at
my friend's apartment, if you wanna join.

Oh, thanks, Allison.
But I got an early day tomorrow.

Oh. Okay.

Well, if you change your mind,
here's the address.

I put my cell number
on there too.

Oh, my God.
Are you fucking kidding me?

- What?
- What do you mean, "what?" After hours?

Jesus, Johnny.
She totally wants to sleep with you.

I'm not into it.

John, you've been saying that
for a year and a half...

about every chick
that throws herself at you.

Get back in the game, man!
Don't start this shit.

Look, I wasted six years of my life
with the wrong girl, and I got burned.

I'm not gonna make
that same mistake again.

Jesus, Johnny.
You don't got to marry Allison.

You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little. What?

It's always good to find
new ways to surprise your lover.

Yeah,
I got to take a leak.

[ Sighs ]
Sorry, Allison. I tried.

[ Sighs ]
It's okay.

I just wish he wasn't
so goddamn cute.

Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's
with just a splash of Grey Goose?

Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.

Oh, come on.
I been coming here since the '90s.

Sorry, buddy.
No can do.

Come on. One drink, and I promise
I won't tell anybody...

that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.

[ Johnny ]
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

- Get off of me!
- Sorry. My mistake.

There we go.

Thanks a lot.
Come again.

- Hey.
- Hello.

I'd like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.

That's right.

I've been led to understand
that Trix are exclusively for children.

Is that correct?

I mean, they say,
"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And is that enforced by law?

Not to my knowledge, no.

So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?

No.
No, you should be fine.

You do understand
that I myself am not a child?

I-I was able to sniff that out,
yeah.

Okay, I'm going to bring these
back to my apartment.

Yeah, yeah.
You'll be okay.

And, uh,
I won't be followed?

Uh, no, that's not
in our budget here.

Hey.

I won't forget what
you've done for me here today.

I would prefer that you do.

Jesus Christ.

[ Sighs ]

You two still not talking?

No. Honest to God, Joy,
I don't know how to fix this.

How the hell do you take a broken
marriage and make it work again?

Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.

- A baby?
- Uh-huh. Look at that.

You see them two white niggas
over there?

- [ Cooing At Baby ]
- Yeah. What?

Look at 'em.
They're so happy.

Because they got
that little baby keeping them together.

If they didn't have that baby,

they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas
waiting for "Downtown" Abbey to come on.

Wow, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?

I'm telling you, Ted. Y'all better
have a baby or your marriage is over.

Trust.

[ Sticker Gun Clicking ]

- Uh, hey.
- Go away, Teddy.

Tami, listen.
I just wanna talk to you.

Will you just
listen to me for one second?

Why? So you can give me shit
about my clothes?

No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.

- I was an asshole, and I didn't mean it.
- You know, whatever, Teddy.

Tami, listen.
I love you.

Okay? And I don't want us to fight like
we've been doing the past few months.

I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?

Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.

I know, I know, I know.

And that's why...
I wanna have a baby.

You do?

Yeah.

A baby?
Like, really?

Yeah. See, I think,
if we got a kid to love...

it'll teach us how to love
each other again.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

You better not be
messing with me.

I swear to God,
not messing with you.

I think you'd make
an awesome mom.

Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

I would, like,
kick so much ass at mommin'.
[ Giggles ]

What do you say?
We all good?

Yes! Oh, I love you!
I love you so much!

Baby, I love you too!
[ Kisses ]

Let's make a baby!
Let's make a baby!

[ Tami-Lynn, Ted
Moaning, Grunting ]

[ Moaning, Grunting Continue ]

Lemme know when you're ready to go,
and I'll stick a bottle of Newman's Own in ya.

All the profits go to charity.
[ Tami-Lynn Screams ]

You had sexual intercourse
on a pile of raw hamburger meat...

that we're supposed to
sell to the public...

for their
Fourth of July barbecues.

I fucked her
with a pack of Freedent.

Then I put it back on the shelf
and a senior citizen bought it.

That took guts.

We need guts.

I'm naming the store after you.

[ Flicks Lighter ]

Okay, you ready?
Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it comes.
Okay, okay. I'm ready.

♪♪ [ Law And Order Theme ]
[ Johnny ] ♪ Bum, bum ♪

[ Ted ]
♪ Let's all go to court ♪

♪ Bum, bum ♪
♪ Let's go make some law now ♪

♪♪ [ Guitar Strums ]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Some law Now ♪

I say we go to court!
[ Johnny ] Yes, let's go to court!

We're a bunch of assholes who take
up a whole hallway with our conversation.

♪ Hey, you lawyer guys ♪

♪ You don't know me
and Johnny are watching you ♪

♪ While we're high ♪♪

That was fucking magic.
That felt smooth.

That felt really smooth.
So in the pocket.

Hey, so listen, I got some big
news to tell you. Yeah? What's that?

Tami-Lynn and I
are gonna have a baby.

Holy shit!
You?

Yeah, yeah.
We talked about it today.

Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!

Thank you! Wait, wait, wait.
How do you guys...

Well, uh, that's the thing.
We got to find a sperm donor.

And, I'm wondering, what do you think
Sam Jones would say if I asked him?

You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?

Yeah. You think...
Would that be weird?

Would he be freaked out if I...
No, I think he'd be flattered!

And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!

That was the logic
I arrived at as well.

Yeah, I say do it!
All right. Great.

I'll shoot him an e-mail
and see if I can stop by.

You come with me?
Sure.

All right, great.

Shit. I can never get a signal
in your apartment.

Hey, can I use your laptop?
Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, thanks.

What the fuck?
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?

What happened?
What's going on?

There's so much porn!

What the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?

Johnny, it was wide open!
There are literally thousands of files here!

I've been meaning to
clear some of that out.

Jesus Chri...
Look at the organization here!

"Clockwise rim job."
"Counterclockwise rim job."

Yeah, sometimes you like seeing
the tongue go the other way!

You sick bastard!
Look at this! Chicks with dicks?

Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right?
I need help!

There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!

This is such a relief!
I'm glad I'm finally caught.

I wanted to be caught!

Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call.

You got to get back out there
and meet somebody...

because you are spiraling
out of control here.

All right, fine, I will.
Just stop looking at that shit, please!

Johnny, I mean it.
The next chick you meet, you
are getting back in the game.

- Fine, I got it. Done.
- All right.

- Let's get rid of this.
- What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!

No, no, no. That shit
can always be recovered.

We got to smash your laptop
with a hammer.

- There. You happy?
- No.

The circuits could
still be reconstructed.

We got to bury it
in the harbor.

Okay, we'll come back once every
three months, take a dive and check on it.

[ Ted ]
So, uh, basically, that's it.

We need a sperm donor.
So what do you say?

You'd really be helping
me and Tami out.

No can do, my brother.

Well, why not?

Look, I did a lot of blow
in the '80s,

and my sperm count's
a little low.

How low?

- One.
- One?

Yeah, little fella's having his own
I Am Legend in my nut sack.

Well,
can we have that one?

No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.

Come on, guys.
I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.

That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.

Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch.

That was really selfish of him.
I know.

And after I watched his piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.

Goddamn it!

- [ Alarm Blares ]
- Oh, shit!

Johnny, please, just help me do this.
Okay?

He's the only guy in the world whose
sperm is even close to Flash Gordon's.

Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.

But not
if nobody finds out.

Look, look, John, John.
We sneak into his house,

jerk him off in his sleep
and sneak out with the sperm.

It'll be easy.
And think how awesome the baby will be.

Would be a sweet-ass
fucking baby.

I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.

[ Knocking ]

[ Sighs ]
Just calm down.

Yeah, can I help you?

Hey!
Are you "Tom Brady"?

Yeah.

Hey.
Your neighbors called,

and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise...

so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.

- Okay. Yeah, it's around back.
- Okay.

I just may need a signature in case
I got to get some parts, for the billing.

You could just write that to John and Ted.
Put number 12.

And you're not a cheater.
I think your balls are perfect.

- It's around back.
- All right. Yeah.

[ Mutters ]
Okay.

[ Sighs ]
Stupid idiot.

[ Ted ]
Okay. Go, go, go!

[ Vinyl Squeaking ]

Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.

Piss off! I don't wanna
get any jizz on me.

Two league MVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,

guaranteed first ballot
hall-of-famer.

Now let's give him a hand job
into this red Solo cup.

All right.
Go ahead.

What do you mean, go ahead?
You do it.

What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.

But it's got to be a human hand.
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.

I've never done this before.
Neither have I.

You do it to yourself.
Yeah, but that's different.

You're an adult with a poster of this guy
in your fucking room.

You're tellin' me
you don't want this?

Yeah, I want it.
You know I want it, but I'm nervous.

What if he doesn't
like the way I do it?

Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.
He's gonna love it. Go, go, go.

All right.

[ Gasps ]
Sweet God and baby Jesus.

And that's at rest.

What the hell?

Mr. Brady, we need a moment of
your time.

What are you doing here?
Who are you? Get out of my house!

- Oh, God!
[ Shouts ]
- Wait, Mr. Brady!

- Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!
- [ Shouts ]

Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Shit!
What the hell do we do now?

Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.

What's that?

Why didn't you
just come to me?

What are you talking about?
For the sperm.

[ Sighs ]
Johnny, you kidding me, man?

You were the first person
I wanted to go to.

But you've just been so bummed out
over your divorce lately...

that I didn't want to put you
in an awkward position.

And plus, after seeing your laptop,
I didn't think you had any left.

Just so you know,
I'm totally willing to do it.

Really?

You'd do that for me?

What? Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.

Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off.

You're ready to be a parent.

God,
I don't know what to say.

Johnny, thank you.
Thank you so much!

Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?

Thunder buddies for life.

Come on. We got to get out of here
before the cops show up.

[ Man ]
All units,
we have a 317 on Maple Drive.

Area units, please respond.

What's a 317? Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.

Really?

Welcome to Boston, kid.

[ Engine Starts ]
[ Sirens Wailing ]

What is that?
What?

What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.

What do you mean?
What are you doing to your hand?

I'm doing this for you.
I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.

You got your hand on your dick.

I'm trying to get it half hard,
so I could just bust it out.

Sitting out here in public,
jerking off?

Where do you think you are?
Red Lobster?

What do you think I got to do in there?
Forget it.

But, now, look, you haven't smoked pot
for two whole days, right?

Yes, I told you.
I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.

I'm sorry. I just don't want something
I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16.

- "John Bennett."
- Hi.

Right this way. I'll show you where
to deposit your specimen.

Hey, Johnny.
Johnny.

[ Scoffs Quietly ]

I'm John Bennett.

I know.
I just said your name.

Oh, right. Yeah.
Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

I've been out of the game
for a while.

The game?
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.

Pretty women, ladies.

I see.

Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?

I didn't... I don't...
I don't mean this.

- I meant, like, a regular drink.
- I have a boyfriend.

Oh.
Yeah, okay, yeah.

Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.

Um, do I just spit in my hand or do
I get a lube or something?

A magazine? Video?
I like Asian teen stuff preferably.

There's lube right there.
All right. Yeah, thanks.

Excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?

Down that hallway,
to the left.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, no way.
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Doc, is this where you guys
store all the stuff?

It's the intermediary station
before insemination.

Are you submitting?
No.

My friend is yanking out a sample
in one of the rooms.

Well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.

- I'm Dr. Danzer.
- Oh, cool.

♪ Hold me closer
Dr. Danzer ♪

Yeah, whatever.
I don't know.

Now, wait.
You look familiar.

- Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
- I am. That's me, yeah.

I was trying to figure out
where I'd seen you before, and that's it.

Good eye, good eye.

So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love come?

[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Not especially.

But I love helping good people
fulfill their dreams of having children.

It's amazing
what we can do here.

You wanna have a look?

Yeah, sure.

This is where we perform
our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.

We can eliminate
hereditary diseases...

such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy,
sickle-cell anemia.

- The list goes on and on, really.
- Wow.

- Hey, Johnny! You did it!
- Right here, buddy.

Ew.
I mean, awesome!

Excuse me. Doctor, your wife's on the phone.
She said it's an emergency.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?

I can see it from here.
Thanks.

- Take a closer look. It's your kid.
- No, no, no! Come on!

- Take a closer look.
- That's close enough!

- He's beautiful.
- I'll trade you. Catch.

- Shit!
- Oh, God!

Fuck, dude.
That's somebody's kid!

Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!

- We got to find something to scoop it up.
- There's containers over there.

Shit.
All right.

No, no, that's not gonna work.
You need two of them.

Scoop one into the other.

Oh, shit!
Fuck!

[ Ted ]
Oh! Oh, fuck!

- Oh, my God!
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, my God!
It's in my eyes!

- I'm blinking it in!
You got to fucking help me!
- [ Ted Retching ]

God! It's in my fucking mouth!

Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.

No!

Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

- Oh, my God!
- Look, I'm so sorry.

We swear to God.
It was an accident.
We're so sorry.

Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.

Ah, you hear that, Johnny?

You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm.
You look like a Kardashian.

Fuck!

No, make sure you have all the updated
information on our Comic Con placement.

This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.

Morning, Mr. Jessup.
Good morning. Now...

My name's Donny.

[ Sighs ]
Hi, Donny.

Hi. Now this is
a multi-platform release,

- so I want a full report on all...
- Fresh cakes.

What?
In the urinals, sir.

I noticed you always
use urinal four,

so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.

You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.

See, most people flip the cakes.

I replace the cakes.

That's the Donny difference.

I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.

Contact Bob Jennings
at Javits...

Hi, Ted.

I've missed you.

[ Child's Voice ]
I love you!

I wuv you too.

I wuv you too!
I wuv you too!

Pretty soon you'll be
saying that for real.

Pretty soon.
Pretty soon. Pretty soon.

This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.

Okay.
[ Squeaks ]

Just... Shh!

Okay.

Okay.

[ Electrical Humming,
Crackling ]

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

Oh, sh...

Soon, my love.

Soon.

I'm afraid
I have bad news.

I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.

Wait, what?
Why not?

Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,
you're no longer fertile.

What?

Wait, Doc, are you sure
about that?

Maybe you should check
again or something, you know?

I'm quite sure.

Tami-Lynn, because of your history
of excessive drug use...

your ovarian canal has been
somewhat compromised.

What are you talking about?
It looks fine. Yeah.

Forgive me.
That's a normal ovary.

This is Tami-Lynn's.

[ Ted ]
Jesus.

Yeah, but I bet this stuff
happens a lot.

You probably see this kind of stuff
all the time, right?

No, not once.
Not ever.

When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.

Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.

[ Sobbing ]
I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.

It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on. Let's go.

But what does this mean, Teddy?
Does it mean we can't have a baby?

I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.

It really isn't.

Teddy, I got
a really good feeling about this.

I know. Me too.

I mean, adoption's great.
Right?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.

Yeah! Yeah.
And also a million kids who did nothin'.

You know, Teddy,

this has been nice,
you and me doing this together.

It's like we have a common goal
or somethin'. Right?

I love hearing you say that,
'cause I feel exactly the same way.

- And we ain't fought in, like, a week.
- I know! We haven't!

Hey, if the baby works out,
we should get a dog.

Oh, my God.
A German shepherd.

- A German shepherd and a baby, together.
- It's, like, the perfect family.

- And a gun to protect us all!
- Yes!

Okay, as soon as we get the baby,
we get the gun.

- I love our gun-dog-baby family!
- [ Screams ]

Well, I've gone through
your application...

and vetted
your personal histories,

and I'm afraid
this isn't gonna work out.

What?
Why not?

First of all, there's the question
of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction.

Hey, I did my community service.

Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.

There's another issue...

and, honestly,
it's the more serious one.

I was reluctant
to bring it up because...

it's a little awkward.

Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.

Wait, what?

The state official I spoke to said that technically,
you are classified as property.

I'm not a person?

Not according to the government.
I'm sorry.

But that is so fucked up!

Property?

You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.

Come on.

[ Sighs ]

Look.
You seem like good people.

Be careful.

What do you mean,
be careful?

The state official
I spoke to...

made it sound like your status
had gone under the radar for some time.

Your adoption request
may have raised some red flags.

If they choose
to investigate the issue,

it may leave you
quite vulnerable.

Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.

Did they actually tell you that?

Yeah, it's unbelievable.
Property... They said I'm property.

What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?

What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?

Well, I mean, maybe more like a hammer
or an orange, but yeah.

What the hell do they know?
It's just a word.

They can't change your whole life just
by calling you property.

Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.

One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes in a river.

Titties out. You good.

Then all of a sudden, you somewhere
across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson.

Wow! You make history
come alive.

Why the hell is this
just coming up now?

Well, I mean,
I've never voted.

I don't have a driver's license.
I don't pay taxes.

I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.

Ted, can I see you for a moment?

I'm sorry,
but I'm gonna have to let you go.

What? Why? I've been busting
my ass at this job for three years!

I just got a call
from the Labor Department.

I can't legally keep you on
as an employee...

because I've been informed
that you're technically...

Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry.
But as of today, you're fired.

[ Sighs ]

"Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been
terminated due to a lack of citizenship."

"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."

"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."

Fuck, that's a big one.

This poor baby booty.
It's always gonna be empty.

There's never gonna be
a little foot in here.

I don't understand.
We would have made such great parents.

[ Inhales ]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Teddy!

What? What's wrong?
Look at this.

"Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you...

that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status,

your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state...

and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."

- Teddy, can they do this to us?
- Let me see that.

This is a nightmare.

- You fucking believe that?
- No.

This is insane.
I mean, Tami's the woman I love.

I never would even have
tried to adopt a dog...

if I had known it was gonna
cause me this shit storm.

This whole thing is complete bullshit.
We gotta fight it.

What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.

Oh, my God.
Can we do that?

Hell, yeah!
You know what we do?

We'll get a lawyer, and we'll sue the
fucking government for your civil rights.

Johnny,
that's a great idea!

Hey, hey, maybe we get one of them
Harrison Ford lawyers...

who gets shot in the head,
then turns all retarded and nice and goes...

"What we're doing is wrong."
Yes. We get out there, and stick it to them.

Take that shit all the way up
to Judge Judy if we have to.

Yeah. But we don't know
any lawyers.

All our friends make sandwiches.

We just Google "Boston lawyers."
Ah.

Jesus.
Look at that black cock.

Huh. This is a very complicated case
you have here.

Most civil rights cases are,

but this one has some
very obvious wrinkles.

Everybody says
you're the best in town.

Listen, your case
is not gonna be cheap.

What is
your financial situation?

All of our holdings
are tied up in the railroads.

Yeah, Reading Railroad,
B & O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.

We're working on Short Line.

I own four houses on Baltic Ave. I was thinking
about tearing them down, building a hotel.

I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.

Are you guys just saying
Monopoly stuff?

I'm gonna go drive around the block,
and I'll be back with $200.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

My niece recently
passed her bar exam,

and I've hired her on
as a junior associate here at the firm.

I could assign her
to your case pro bono,

and then you would get
a hungry young attorney,

and I would get
a more experienced lawyer in return.

What do you say to that?

Yeah, sure.
Sounds great.

Uh, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?

Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.

[ Drawer Opens, Shuts ]

Hello?

[ Bangs ]
Oh, fuck.

Hi.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
You must be Ted.

Yeah, uh, I'm Ted.
This is my buddy, John.
Hi.

My uncle says that you guys
are my first clients.

Uh, well, it's been discussed,
but, um,

- do you mind if I ask how old you are?
- I'm 26.

- Ah.
- What, is there a problem?

I just don't want my lawyer singing
Frozen songs during the opening arguments.

It's just that
it's a really important case.

Ted has already lost his job.
His marriage has been annulled.

I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.

Right. You see, the thing is, we don't
wanna take any chances...

because the stakes
are so significant.

We can't rush into anything.
We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

[ Ted ] We appreciate your time,
but I think what we're gonna do is...

just take a seat
and get to work.

Trust you completely. Yeah, we really
feel like you got a lot to offer.

Sorry. You don't mind the pot, do you?
I get migraines.

Oh, absolutely. Me too.
That's fine.

I'm gonna get a huge migraine
in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

Ted. How are you?
Good to meet you.

John.
Nice to meet you.

Wait, wait wait.
What's your middle name? Leslie.

Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ]

So you're Sam L. Jackson!
That's fucking great!

- Just like Sam L. Jackson!
- Who is that?

You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.

[ Bubbling ]
[ Inhales ] That weed is really good.

It reminds me of the strain I smoked last
summer called "Here Comes Autism."

Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of
like this other batch we had called...

"How Long Has That Van
Been There?"

No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

I'm surprised
a lawyer like you gets high.

Aren't you supposed to be
fightin' the war on drugs and that shit?

Please, the war on drugs
is a joke.

It's just a way for the government
to inflate law enforcement budgets...

and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.

And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.

Yeah.
No shit.

They've denied you the same rights as
everybody else just because you're different,

and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.

Well, so what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?

[ Bubbling ]

I'm gonna try.

Hey, guys?
[ Panting ]

- I'm having some trouble over here.
- What's the matter?

[ Panting ]
Can you help me get home?

[ Sobbing ] I'm having
a really hard time here, guys.

[ Ted ] Johnny, it's okay, buddy.
You're doing fine.

You're doing great.
No, I'm scared.

It's okay, though.
You just have to hang onto the wall.

[ Car Horn Honks ]
Don't let the goose get me!

How far away does he live?
About a mile and a half.

Fuck, okay.
Hey, it's okay.

One foot in front of the other.

♪♪ [ Synth Rock ]
♪ Open your eyes ♪

♪ A helpful surprise ♪

All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford,
Plessy v. Ferguson...

and Brown v.
The Board of Education.

I got Kramer vs. Kramer,
Alien vs. Predator and Freddy vs. Jason.

I got Ernest Goes to Camp,
Ernest Goes to Jail...

and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.

♪ Well, I know we can do it
You know we can do it too ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ But there's work
to be done now ♪

♪ Work to be done ♪

♪ You've got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot
down, down, down ♪

- I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Ready?
- Yep, bring it on.

You're on the stand,
the DA says,

"Ted, do you consider
yourself to be human?"

Objection!
Sustained!

No, the witness can't object.

Overruled!
Sidebar!

Guilty!
Speculation!

Hearsay!
Bailiff!

Briefcase!
Disregard!

In my chambers!
Stop beavering the witness!

I rest.
We could totally
be lawyers.

Bang.

♪♪ [ Resumes ]
♪ Given no chance ♪

♪ Teach her to dance ♪

♪ Coming to life
little by little ♪

♪ Well, I know we can do it
You know we can do it too ♪

♪ But there's work to be done now
Work to be done ♪

[ No Audible Dialogue ]
♪ You've got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot
down, down, down ♪

♪ Got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down, down ♪

♪ Put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down ♪

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- ♪ Put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down ♪

♪ You've got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down ♪

♪ You've got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down ♪

♪ Got to put one foot
in front of the other ♪

♪ Put your other foot down
down, down, down, down, down ♪♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]
[ Panicking, Indistinct ]

I'm gonna fall off the building.

Your name is Toby!
[ Person Gasping ]

You're going to learn
to say your name.

Let me hear you say it.
What's your name?

Kunta.
Kunta Kinte.

That's just like me.
That's exactly what I'm going through.

Well,
it's a little different.

Ted, if you legally become a person,
you're gonna need a last name.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Okay, okay, I got one.

- Okay, what is it?
- Last name of a movie character.

Ah.
[ Both Laughing ]

He knows where this is goin'.
All right, you ready?

Yep.
Go!

Skywalker, Solo, Vader,

Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian,

Balboa, Rambo, Griswold,

Stepford, Bickle, Gump,
Corleone, Wonka,

Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,
Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,

Golighty, Higgins,
Dolittle, Poppins,

Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze,

O'Hara, Butler, McFly,
Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy,

Scissorhands, Drebin,
Bueller, Lecter,

Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire,

Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

- Clubber Lang.
- Fuckin'...

- [ Laughs ]
- Who is Clubber Lang?

- Who's Clubber Lang?
- Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello?

Is that the boxing movies?

The boxing... You've never seen Rocky?
She's not serious.

You've never seen Rocky?

You know...
♪♪ [ Humming "Gonna Fly Now" ]

You know, Rocky!

I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen...

just because you're singing
a song I don't know.

You don't know Samuel L. Jackson.
You don't know Rocky.

You are literally
pop-culture illiterate.

I have a college degree.

My pop-culture references are Hamlet,
Achilles, Dorian Gray. Ever heard of them?

No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!

Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.

Oh, really? Um,

can either of you tell me
who wrote The Great Gatsby?

Judy Blume?
Hitler?

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

- Who's that?
- The author.

- Why are you saying "Fuck him"?
- What?

You just said,
"Eff Scott Fitzgerald."

What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.

No, that's his first name.

- His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
- What? No.

- Well, then, what's the F stand for?
- Francis.

No. Got to be Fuck.
It must be Fuck.

Gotta be Fuck.
It has to be Fuck.

- Why would it be Fuck?
- Otherwise, why wouldn't he say it?

He's hiding something.
It's Fuck. Read between the lines, Sam.

That's completely insane.
You guys are idiots.

Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.

[ Knocking ]
Yes?

Sir? Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.

I'm busy.

Fresh cakes.
[ Exhales Nervously ]

- What is it, Danny?
- Donny, sir.

Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentations, so...

I'm told that you have
an open-door policy here at Hasbro...

for new toy ideas from
any and all employees?

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

All right, come in.

Okay.
Thank you.

Thank you.
I love your dress.

[ Giggling ]
I love these things!

Look at this!

[ Sighs ]

Don't touch my pony.

Sorry.

Mr. Jessup, I can make this company
a billion dollars.

I'm listening.

Thirty years ago,
a little boy named John Bennett...

made a wish that his teddy bear
would come to life.

Somehow,
one of our Hasbro bears...

Yes, I'm aware of the story.

Have you seen this?

[ Sighs ]

So what?

Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.

If he loses, the state
will officially declare him a non-entity...

with no rights under the law.

That means he becomes property.

Mr. Jessup,

we could take him back, with only
a trivial degree of legal consequence...

if we were even caught.

And why would we do this?

Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,

we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.

Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.

Go on.

We-We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.

You use every back channel,
every bribe,

you call in every favor...

and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.

When Ted's rights
are officially null,

we grab him.

No one's going to kick up
a legal fuss over property.

You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.

[ Whispers ]
Really?

Now, what exactly
do you want from this?

Mr. Jessup,
I'm not interested in money.

I just want a Ted
for my very own.

All right. I think I can handle
the defense.

But let's make one thing clear.

We never had this conversation.

Goldner and the board cannot
know about this until we have him.

Do you understand?
Yes, I do.

[ Sighs ]

I need Shep Wild.

[ Samantha ]
That was such a good dinner,
Tami-Lynn.

I've never had Pringles on my steak before.
It's my pleasure.

It's the least I can do
with all you're doing for us. Really.

Well, I haven't
done anything yet.

We wanted to take you
out to dinner,

but all we got is Tami's income these days
since nobody will hire me.

Things are getting
really tight, huh?

Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.

BJ's here!
Get your BJ's!

Get your red-hot BJ's!
Toothless and ready to go.

Just three dollar! Three dollar!
Get your BJ's here.

Wow.

Hey, listen,
I got an idea.

Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes...

and give Sam and Diane here
some alone time, huh?

[ Chuckles ]
All right, all right.

Hey, you go pull a bad back,
bitch!

What do you think
that was about?

Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying
I should ask you out.

Ah.
Yeah, look.

We should probably focus
our attention on the case for now.

I completely agree.

You know,
I am a little bit curious.

How is it that a guy like you
is unattached?

Well, I-I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.

Shit. I'm sorry.
That sucks.

No. I mean, we'd make it work
day to day,

but she was always just trying
to change me into someone I'm not.

And I tried, you know?

I really tried everything I could to be
the man that she wanted.

One day I woke up, and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.

You know? As much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.

At least
you figured it out early.

Some people go through their whole lives
trying to make it work with the wrong person.

Yeah.

So, we're gonna win this thing?

Honestly, I don't know.

Well, we're betting on you.

Hey, Johnny, come on.
It's almost 7:00. We got to get up there.

- Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
- What is it?

Tuesday nights, we get fucked up
and throw apples at joggers.

[ No Dialogue ]

- [ Sam ] Oh, there's one!
- [ All Laughing ]

[ Johnny ] How's your workout?
[ Ted ] Fuck you!

Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!

Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?

It's everybody else's fault,
Mary Decker!

You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your... [ Grunts ]

[ Screaming, Laughing ]

That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!

That's what you get
for fucking exercising!

[ Laughter Continues ]
[ Ted ] That is unbelievable!

Teddy.
Teddy, I'm scared.

Baby, we're gonna be fine.

I don't care what any fucking
piece of paper says. You're my wife.

I love you so much.

I swear to God, if we lose,
I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.

Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
Yeah.

But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?

Oh!

Hey, Sam,

who's that buttnut over there?

That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.

It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.

He's never lost a case
in his life.

Mr. Wild, your opening statement,
if you please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I would first like to thank
the ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

for taking time out
of their busy schedules...

to be a part
of these proceedings.

Now, the case we'll be examining today
is really quite a simple one.

Is Ted a human being...

or a piece of property?

You know, it really is
a very special,

very... unique thing
to be human.

It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species... Us.

But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,

where does that lead us?

Does your dog deserve
human rights?

Your cat?
Your toaster?

[ Court Chuckles ]

Suddenly, being human
doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?

I'm confident you'll make
the right decision.

[ Judge ] Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.

Ms. Jackson?

Hi.
I am Samantha Jackson.

I gotta be honest with you.
I'm... I'm a little nervous.

Why am I nervous?
Um...

Not because I'm a junior attorney
arguing her first case.

And not because some of you might laugh at
the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear.

[ Court Chuckles ]

No, I'm-I'm nervous
because of one simple word.

"Justice."

I'm nervous that
you're going to be swayed...

by smooth talk and a haircut,

and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.

Justice.

150 years ago,
a slave by the name of Dred Scott...

sued to prove that he was a
person and not a piece of property.

He lost.

And as history has shown us,
that wasn't justice.

In every civil rights conflict,

we are only able to recognize the just
point of view years after the fact.

And when the next conflict
comes along,

we're once again
blind to it as it's happening.

"Well, this is different,"
we say. But it isn't.

It is the same beast
just wearing a different face...

and it's happening again today.

So I urge you,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.

Don't wait too long to be right.

Thank you.

- Erection.
- Sustained.

Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child. Is that correct?

Yeah.

If I may inquire,

why did you not choose
to have a child of your own?

'Cause Teddy ain't got no dick.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]
And why does Ted not possess
a, uh, male appendage?

Is it a freak of genetics?

No, asshole. He ain't got a dick
'cause he's a fucking toy!

- What's your excuse?
- Oh! Take a burn!

Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?

Yeah! How'd you...
What?

[ Gavel Raps ]
Order!

Mr. Bennett, how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?

He's my best friend.

So you don't see him
as your property.

No, he's not my property.
He's a person.

He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.

Fucking Steven Tyler?
What the fuck is that?

Some kind of weird soccer-mom
looking Goonie monster?

- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your witness.

Mr. Bennett, when and where did you
first encounter Ted?

What do you mean?
My parents got him for me when I was a kid.

Aha. They "got him."

Where did they get him?

[ Mutters ]
Child World toy store.

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear.
Could you repeat that?

Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.

There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett. Why? Nobody here likes you!

I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!

- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.

I hope your kids get bird flu.

Mr. Bennett!
I'm sorry.

Now, you said
your parents purchased Ted...

as one might purchase a baseball glove
or a Big Wheel.

- No, it's not like that!
- Objection!

- You can't do that.
- You know what? This is bullshit!

This court is trying to tell me that
I'm not as good as other people...

and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!

- Ted!
- Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos.

This is exactly what you've been
doing to the homos, and I say it's wrong!

Ms. Jackson,
please control your client...

or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court.

Oh, piss off!
All right?

I'm standing up for me,
and I'm standing up for the homos!

- We deserve respect!
- Ted, shut up!

Fine.

♪♪ [ Bright ]

Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.

Yes!

My turn, assholes.

Ted, do you love your wife?

Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.

I'll rephrase.

Do you love Tami-Lynn?

I love my wife.
Okay? My wife...

more than anything in the world.

We're married.
I don't care what anybody says.

So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love. Yeah.

Hey, it must be weird for you guys,
having a doll up here on the stand...

with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
Yeah, I am capable.

I love a lot of stuff.

Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?

♪ What did you think
I would do at this moment ♪

♪ When you're standing
before me ♪

♪ With tears
in your eyes? ♪♪

That answer your question?

Objection.
Your Honor.

Overruled.

[ Chuckles ]
What it is, man.
Dynomite.

- Ted.
- Right, right. Sorry, sorry.

Look,
I'm not a scientist, okay?

I don't know exactly
what makes a person a person.

All I know is I feel stuff,
just like all you guys.

And I don't think
I ought to be treated any different.

Capable of love.

Aware of his own consciousness.

Seems pretty human to me.

No further questions.

Mr. Kidder,

you were an employee at Hasbro
from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct?

Yes, I supervised the stuffing
of the teddy bears.

- And what is that stuffing made of?
- A synthetic cotton-poly blend.

Is there anything else in there?

The bear products are affixed
with an electronic device in the chest...

which can be programmed to say
any one of five phrases.

Hmm.

Ted, would you please
press your chest?

What?

Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.

[ No Dialogue ]

[ Child's Voice ]
I love you!

[ Onlookers Murmuring ]

No further questions.

Also in the news,
a pending court case...

is beginning to get national attention
for its civil rights ramifications.

Ted, the bear, who some of you
may remember came to life...

back in the mid-'80s
right here in Boston...

is suing to prove
he is, indeed, a person.

Okay, so what are we even
talking about here?

What we're talking about
is a civil rights issue.

This bear has rights.

Oh, come on!
He does not! He's a toy.

Then why are you
calling it a "he"?

Look, we call
the Statue of Liberty "she,"

but we all know it's an
object made of copper and steel.

Oh, good point.

Yes, but she isn't
conscious or sentient. He is.

Now, come on!

Are any of you gonna sit there and tell
me that this stuffed doll is a person?

No. Not at all.
We all agree all the time.

So, the big story out of Boston
is that Ted, the bear,

is suing to prove
that he's a person.

Legal experts are closely
watching this case.

They said if Ted wins,

Donald Trump's hair would
look to quickly file a similar lawsuit.

[ Audience Cheering ]
So... I think it might be...
it might be real.

I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.

After all, Ted spent many
years sleeping and cuddling with a child.

That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.

When you're a person,
that's a felony.
[ Audience Laughs ]

This sounds like a silly case,
but this is actually a really big case.

The last time someone named Ted
made this much news in Massachusetts,

he drove a chick into a lake.

[ Audience Laughing ]

Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?

[ High-pitched Voice ]
I am not an animal!

[ Audience Laughing ]

You see, Your Honor?
He's not an animal.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Shouting ]

I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.

[ Together ]
And live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

What is taking them so long?

Is it bad
that they're taking this long?

It's not good or bad. It just means
that they're probably having a debate.

- Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.
- What do you mean?

- I mean saying his name three times.
- What?

- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
- Shut up!

You fucking crazy? We don't want
that guy running around in here.

No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.
He'll help us.

- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...
- You are meddling with powers you do not understand.

Cut the shit.

Please be seated.

Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.
[ Clears Throat ]

Um, in the case of Ted v. the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts,

we the jury find
for the commonwealth...

in that Ted is not a person.

[ Murmuring ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gavel Raps ]

Very well. The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.

The definition entails
the rights thereof,

and will be recognized
in the terms set...

by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.

The court wishes
to thank the jury for its service.

Are you sure
you can get him?

Remember, you're
on your own out there.

Hasbro can have
no connection to this.

Oh, I'll get him.

And when I have him,
I'll call you with the code phrase.

Do you remember what it is?

Yes, I remember it.

Should we say it just for safety?
No, that's not necessary.

Say it.
I don't wanna say...

I don't have to...
Just say it.

Fresh cakes.
Fresh cakes.

[ Sniffles ]
This isn't fucking fair.

Teddy's a good man.

Why is he being treated differently
than everybody else?

[ Scoffs ]
It's what this country does best...

Putting different people
into little groups...

and making them watch Tyler Perry.
It's wrong!

- I'm so sorry, baby.
- No, I'm sorry.

I thought I'd built
a better case.

It's just, the reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.

Hey, come on.
Nobody's blaming you for this.

You did everything you could.

I just... I'm sitting here,
and I can't believe it's official.

All right, so what
are we gonna do now?

I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
We gotta do something.

You know what we're gonna do?

- We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
- Who's that?

He is the top
civil rights attorney in America.

Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the marines?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember?

She was at a Veterans Day parade,
somebody handed her a bunch of balloons and...

Pfft!
She's gone.

- It was very sad. Very sad for the family.
- You know what?

If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.

He's not cheap, but we've become
such a high-profile case,

I feel like he might
take it pro bono.

He's a sucker for media.

- Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hi. I'm calling
for Patrick Meighan.

This is Samantha Jackson.

I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.

- Hey!
- Hi. Mr. Meighan.

Thank you so much
for taking my call. [ Grunts ]

Oh, you've been following the case?
That's great.

[ Grunts ] Yeah, that's actually
why I'm calling.

Yeah, I was wondering...
[ Shouts ]

if maybe you would consider
helping us try to overturn the verdict.

Well, yeah. It would have to be
a pro bono situation...

because we're not really working
with much money,

but I think
you'll be impressed with my client.

Oh!
Ha, ha, motherfucker!

Sure. Yeah, great.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Okay, I'll see you then.
Bye.

Oh, my God!
He said he'll meet with us...

on Friday at 9:00 AM
at his office in New York.

- Is he gonna take the case?
- I don't wanna jinx it, but I think so.

Oh, my God!
You hear that, Johnny?
I still got a shot!

- We got to celebrate.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Let's go down to the Improv and yell sad suggestions?
- Fuck, yeah!

So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?

- [ Ted ] 9/11.
- Okay. Maybe something else.

All right,
let's start with a person.

[ Johnny ]
Robin Williams.

Okay, all right, for real, guys.
For real.

[ Stammers ]
Who's got a person?

[ Ted ]
Robin Williams on 9/11.

All right, we've heard
from these guys.

Let's maybe give somebody else
over here a chance.

How about a location?
Let's go with a location.

[ Ted ] The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.

Okay, seriously, sir,
I just need a location.

[ Johnny ] Ferguson, Missouri.
[ Ted ] Germanwings cockpit.

Okay, I heard "Starbucks."

No, you didn't.
Nobody said Starbucks.

All right, Starbucks.
Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?

- [ Ted ] Bill Cosby.
- You people are monsters.

[ Johnny ] We're giving you
the tools, buddy. Make some fucking comedy.

All right.
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

I love you so much, Teddy.

You go kick some ass, because
I am not taking off this wedding ring.

I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.

♪♪ [ Up-tempo Pop ]
♪♪ [ Man Vocalizing ]

♪ Where they at?
Where they at? ♪

♪ Where they at?
Where they at? ♪

♪ Where they at?
Where they at? ♪

♪ If you wanna somethin'
with a pie of meat ♪

♪ Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat ♪

♪ Oh, why can't you
just say please? ♪

♪ Hey! Must be the money ♪♪

Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag
that says Arizona State?

Because that's
where I went to school.

- What, you went to Arizona State?
- Yeah, why?

Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
Hello?

You're dicks.
Arizona State.

Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?

[ Laughing ]
Come on.

Did you write your dissertation
on the collected works of Red Bull?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I got an "A" on it.

[ Ted ] So do you say
Arizona State University,

or do you just say HPVU?

This is perfect.
We're gonna get to the city before 10:00.

Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?

It's actually delicious.

Everybody always says that
about their salad.

They're all a bunch
of fucking liars.

No, I love it.
It's really good.

Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.

Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?

Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?

Teddy, come on, dude!
No, I'm just... I'm just saying.

You look like you're hitting it off,
you know?

Sam, you dig him, right?

Hey! Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

I'm so sorry, sir.
I forgot. I'll get it right away.

Jesus, you're a waitress,
you're not building rockets. Figure it out.

What a prick.

Hey, 20 bucks, I can toss a Cookie Crisp
into his ass crack.

Wait, let me try.

I used to pitch for the softball team
at Arizona State.

Oh, yeah?
Was your mascot a broken condom?

Shut up.

[ Chattering ]

Who did that?

Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!

Now we're assholes.
Look what you did.

I swear to God,
I'll kick your goddamn ass!
Who was it?

Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old son.
I'm "sowwy." Sowwy, sir.

Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sowwy.

Under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.

Oh, my God.
Now we're even bigger assholes.

Go get my Cookie Crisp
out of his ass.

You guys making trouble
over here?

No, ma'am.
We're just minding our business.

Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Oh. Good.

We'll just get the check.
Thanks.

Of course.

Oh, my God.
John, did you see that?

She was totally
giving you the fuck-me eyes.

- No, she wasn't.
- She was giving you the fuck-me eyes.

- What are the fuck-me eyes?
- Some women just have fuck-me eyes.

Do I have fuck-me eyes?

No, you have "Give us the ring,
my precious" eyes.

We better get going.

We got two hours of driving left,
and I'm kind of beat.

We gotta be well-rested
for tomorrow.

Wait. I'll drive.
You can take a nap.

- You don't have a license.
- Who cares?

Johnny lets me drive every once
in a while when he's too hammered.

I'm a fucking pro! Besides,
I've been kicked around a lot this week.

I-I just...
I wanna feel useful, you know?

- Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
- Yay!

♪♪ [ Piano: Boogie-woogie ]

[ Man ]
♪ Ah, you can talk
about the pit ♪

♪ Barbecue ♪

♪ The band was jumpin',
the people too ♪

♪ Ah, mess around ♪

♪ They're doin'
the mess around ♪

♪ They're doin'
the mess around ♪

♪ Everybody doin'
the mess around ♪

[ Tires Squeal ]
[ Horn Honks ]

♪ Let me have it there, boy ♪

♪♪ [ Piano Playing Solo ]

♪ Now this band's gonna play ♪

♪ From 9:00 to 1:00 ♪

♪ Everybody here is gonna
have some fun ♪

♪ Doin' the mess around ♪

♪ They're doin'
the mess around ♪

- ♪ Everybody do the mess around ♪♪
- [ Tires Screech ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

Fuck! Shit, shit, shit!

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Horn Honking ]

What the fuck?

Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?

Hey, listen, Sam,
I'm-I'm real sorry.

That barn just came
out of nowhere.

No, no, it's my fault.
[ Stammers ]

I should never have
let you drive.

Yeah. You were wrong.
You were wrong to do that. Yeah.

But that and the trial are the
only two things you fucked up, so, uh...

Hey, I can't see shit in there.

We're gonna have to wait
till tomorrow to get the car out.

Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?

Yeah, it'll be fine.
We just got to find some firewood.

What the hell?

[ Sniffs ]

Holy shit. Hey, Ted!

You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.

It's a really rare strain. It's a cross
between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze.

It's totally potent.
I've only had it once in my life,

and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.

What the hell is a leaf of this stuff
doing out in the middle of a...

♪♪ [ "Theme From
Jurassic Park" ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Dear God!

Dear God in heaven.

[ Sniffling ]
It's so beautiful.

It's so beautiful.

No words.

No words.
[ Sobs ]

They should've sent a poet.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

They're moving in herds.

They do move in herds.

Please tell me that's not the only bong
you brought on this trip.

[ Ted ]
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind
of an awkward position here.

- We wanna get high too.
- I don't have any papers or nothing.

Is this hilarious?
I got it at a bachelorette party.

[ Laughs ]
It's so stupid.

Here, try it.
Uh, no.

Why? I don't wanna put
a big glass cock in my mouth.

You think this is big?

[ Laughs ] Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.

- This is all I brought.
- How about this?

I'm gonna go
check out the barn,

and see if I can find a soda can or
something for us to make a bong.

Yeah, see if you can make
a non-dick bong.

Yeah. Hey, you know,
that's the name of the South Korean president.

[ Laughing ]
Right?

She gets... You get it.

Right? Nah.
[ Johnny ] What?

Okay, I'll be back.

[ Sighs ]
Sorry.

No, I...
This is nice.

You know, I mean I always wanted
my ex-wife to get stoned with me...

and she never would, so...
Really? Wow.

That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.

I agree.
[ Both Laugh ]

So you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?

I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...

But we're going
to the right place.

Listen, I just really wanna thank
you for all you've done, all you're doing for us.

I know it's not making you rich.
Please.

There are more important things
in life than money.

Look, I don't know
what kind of mojo...

was in that wish you made
when you were a child,

but this bear is alive.

And it seems to me that once
the law devalues one kind of life,

how soon before
it devalues another?

Who gets subjugated
after the bear?

You're really smart,
you know that?

How come you don't have a guy?
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?

I'm supposed to date some pale,
blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket...

and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf?

Nope.
[ Laughing ] Yeah. That's...

That's so dumb.
[ Sighs ]

I couldn't find any cans,

but I got to tell you,
there's some awesome shit in that barn.

Take a look at this. I found a
cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.

- Be careful with that, huh?
- No, it's okay. It's not load...

And my fucking nose came off.

Geez, I wonder
who this place belongs to.

Maybe we should find someplace else.
♪♪ [ Arpeggio ]

We're in the middle of nowhere.

If we get outta here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?

You play the guitar?

A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.

♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

♪ It must be fun ♪

♪ To shine upon me ♪

♪ As I come undone ♪

♪ Till I'm all alone ♪

♪ Beneath the sun ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪ With your beam ♪

♪ You led the way ♪

♪ And found me love ♪

♪ I thought was here to stay ♪

♪ Then you went
and took my love away ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪ Oh, you mean ol' stars ♪

♪ Above ♪

♪ The games
that you play with me ♪

♪ I could find some happiness ♪

♪ If all of my nights
were cloudy ♪

♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

♪ I hope it's true ♪

♪ You're takin' all the light ♪

♪ That's left in you ♪

♪ And saving it up ♪

♪ For you-know-who ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪♪

Yes!

[ Birds Twittering ]

[ Grunts ]
[ Ted ] All right, you got it.

You got it!

Come on.
Put your legs into it.

- There you go! Nice job!
- Jesus.

So, listen, I got to ask.

Was it just kissing last night,
or was there finger stuff?

How far are we?
I'd say we're about an hour outside the city.

Fantastic. So I'm one hour away
from being a real person.

Hey!
Who the fuck are you?

This is private property!
Get the fuck out of the car!

Shit! Go, go, go!

- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Sam Screams ]

Shit!

- Oh, God, I'm sorry! So sorry, pot!
- I'm sorry, pot!

- What are you doing?
- Saving the day!

There's the road!
That way! Go!

- You gotta move! They're right on our ass!
- I'm moving!

What the fuck, man!

- What?
- Are you hard?

Yeah!
This shit makes me hard!

- [ Horn Blaring ]
- Whoa!

- [ Together ] Holy shit!
- Oh, my God! Are they okay?

They're fine. They look happy.
They're waving at us.
They're giving us the thumbs-up.

Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.

We're gonna smoke it,
but just stuff it under the seat for now.

- We don't wanna go to jail.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

[ Lighter Flicks ]

[ Shutter Clicks ]
Oh, what the fuck?

What are you doing?
Hashtag "My amazing summer."

Goddamn it!
What the hell's wrong with you?

I fucking owe you,
you bastard.

What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
Shut up and suck that dick.

Fuck you.

♪♪ [ Orchestral Intro ]

♪ You high and mighty,
bright and shiny, fabulous place ♪

♪ New York ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

♪ You busy, dizzy,
razzle-dazzle, scandalous place ♪

♪ New York ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Sighs ]
I love New York.

Yeah, there's no bullshit
with these people.

Yeah, you always know
who you're dealing with in New York.

Hello, Jews!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ New York, New York
You busy, dizzy razzle-dazzle ♪

Whoa! Watch it.

Jesus!
Watch where you're going!

It's a crosswalk, jackass.
We have the right of way. Yeah.

[ Together ]
Whoa.

Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?

It's Comic Con, you idiot.
We're going to the Javits Center.

You're the idiots, 'cause you three
guys would never be walking together.

Yeah, you're his boss,
and you two guys are enemies.

Yeah, bite me,
Captain Kirk!

Whoa, whoa.
Hey! That's Star Trek.

- Yeah, that's two different franchises.
- Sorry, guys. She doesn't know.

Nah, it's okay.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

All right, let's go.

Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.

It's not worth it.
It's not worth it.

[ Sighs ]

This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?

Mmm.

And there is
our first impression.

Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.

Oh! Okay. Thank you.

Ah. Ms. Jackson.
Do come in.

Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.

Thank you so much
for meeting with us.

Not at all.
It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.

- This office is fucking awesome.
- Yeah, totally.

Hey, hey.
You ever bring chicks up here?

What do you think?

I think I wanna sleep
on a bed made of your voice.

I'll get right down to it.

I don't want to waste
too much of your time.

Ted, I've been reviewing
your file.

And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,

I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.

What? Why?
Why not?

It comes down to this.

You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.

That's a hard sell,
even for me.

See, the important thing
about being human...

is making a contribution
to society.

Assisting in the betterment
of your race.

You've done none of that.

I've read about your life.

The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.

Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you...

because you said
that you could help us.

I said I would consider it.

And I have.

Ted, you're special.

You could've been
an inspiration to the world.

Could've been a leader,
a role model.

Instead you're...

Justin Bieber.

Fuck you!

- Hey, Ted, come on.
- I'm sorry.

He doesn't mean that.
Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

There's just no indication...

that you've had any positive effect
on the world around you.

That's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.

Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest...

for purchasing marijuana
in 2003?

How the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?

You know why you lost this case?

It can't be argued by reason.

The precedent it sets
would affect the public directly.

And unfortunately,
the public doesn't judge by reason.

It judges by emotion,

and you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.

Nonetheless,
I wish you all the best in your efforts.

He needs help,
and from what I know about you,

at one point in your career,
that would've been enough.

I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.

Are those Tootsie Rolls
just to take?

Those aren't supposed to be out.

So that's it.
I'm property.

No rights, no nothing.

Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.

I feel terrible.

I let you guys down
all over again.

Hey.
You didn't let us down, Sam.

You did your best.

And, look, regardless
of all this shit,

you're still the best thing
that's happened to me in a long time.

Oh... Oh, that's great.
That's fucking great.

I'm glad you guys are so happy!

- What?
- What do you mean, "What?"

I'm totally screwed here, and you're
sitting there basically banging my lawyer,

and she's probably
still fucking billing us!

Don't yell at us, dude.
We didn't do anything.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other...

Sam could've won this thing,
and I wouldn't be a fucking thing,

like garbage or a piece of shit.

We've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.

You're the one who's been
pushing me to get back on the horse.

I finally meet someone,
and you're giving me shit for it?

Oh, no. You're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.

You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.

I got no job, no marriage
and no life!

But you have fun porking
Gollum here while I'm left with shit.

Ted!

Who's Gollum?
She's a model.

- Ted, come back.
- Leave me alone!

[ John, Sam ]
Ted!

[ Sighs ]

Shit.

Whoa! Sorry, bro.

[ Guy ]
Hey, Ted!

- Guy?
- I thought that was you. What's happening, man?

Hey, Rick! It is Ted.

Hey, how you doing?

- Hey, what's going on?
- What are you doing here?

[ Sighs ] I just feel at home
among the outcasts.

What are you guys doing here?

Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.

Dress up like we're into this shit
and fuck with the nerds.

Hey, spaz. Why don't you go
get me some Big League Chew?

How about that, huh?
[ Groaning ]

[ Both Laughing ]

Uh-huh. All right.
Well, good luck with your Dick, there.

Right on.
You too, man.

Oh, goddamn it!
That underwear had shit on it!

Yeah, I have a question
for David Hasselhoff. Yes, sir.

Did you find it difficult as an actor
playing opposite a car?

You know, that is
a very good question.

As an actor, you rely on subtle facial
changes and cues from your costars.

You don't get that with a car.

But after a while you get used to it.
It becomes the norm.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Uh, yeah, excuse me.
I have a question.

Exactly how many beers did you have
before you got naked with that hamburger?

You know, buddy,
we all make mistakes.

That was a long time ago
and I'm a different guy now.

[ KITT ]
Can I just jump in here
for a second?

You're a real scumbag
for asking that question.

- What? It's a fair question.
- No, let me tell you
something about this man...

KITT, it's all right.
Just let it go.

No, I want him to hear this.
Let me tell you something.

After the show ended,
I got nothing but shit work.

I was playing snowplows,
tractors.

I was even cast as a lawn mower.
That was a real low point.

And this man
sitting next to me,

at this very low point in my life,
wrote me a check...

- Aw, come on, pal.
- No, no, I want everyone to hear this!

Because you are a good man,
David Hasselhoff.

You are a good man.
You saved me with your generosity.

You are the most...

Oh, God. I'm s... I'm so sorry.
I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional.

I just love you, buddy.

[ Sobbing ]
I just love you so much.

I love you so much.
Oh, God.

[ Voice Breaking ]
I love you too, pal.
I really do. I love you.

So, like, 25 beers or what?

- You piece of shit! Get out of here!
- Whoa, man! What the fuck!

You are not fit to breathe
the same air as this man!

- KITT, he's not worth it!
- Get out of here!

What? He's a celebrity.
His personal life is our business.

Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit!
I will run you down like roadkill!

- I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.
- Get out! Get the fuck out!

You're a psycho, dude.
Seriously. You're a psycho.

- Get some therapy.
- Get out!

Crazy son of a bitch.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. Are you Ted?

Uh, yeah.

[ Laughing ]
This is so exciting!

I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.

Oh. Well, uh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?

I'm Raphael.

Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, no problem.

Great, great.
Here, follow me.

Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?
You're a celebrity.

I just don't want you to get mobbed
when people recognize you.

Yeah, that's true. I've been
mistaken for an Ewok three times today.

All right, let's do this.

Holy shit! Donny!

It's so good to see you, Ted.

It's been some time, hasn't it?

What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?

That wasn't supposed to happen.
That was an accident.

I have some big plans
for you, Ted.

Very big plans.

I need you to come with me now.

- Go to hell!
- [ Groans ]

Nice lunch, spaz.

[ Man ]
Hey! What the hell?

[ John Sighs ]
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.

We should just wait by the car.

What do you mean?
We have to find him.

He's a teddy bear on his own in
New York, for God's sakes.

- ♪♪ [ Cell Phone: Knight Rider Theme ]
- Hello?

Johnny. Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.

Ted, where are you?
Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.

I'm at Comic Con.
But, John, it's Donny. He's here.

He's after me.
You got to get over here.

What the fuck?
Did you just say Donny?

- John, what's going on?
- Yes, it's him! He's...

Oh, shit!

Ted! Ted, hello?

What's the matter?
Oh, my God. Déjà vu.

We got to get to Comic Con.
Come on!

Get out of the way!

You know,

I really love that Neil Diamond,

especially that song they sing
at the, uh...

At the Red Sox games.

It's just so infectious.

You just can't help
but sing along.

[ Off-key ]
♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Ba, ba-ba! ♪♪
Fuck!

[ Ted Grunting, Groaning ]
Crazy son of a bitch!

Hey!
What are you doing to that bear?

I'm sorry. I, uh...

You better be planning
on buying that.

He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Yeah, that's great.

Forty dollars.
Okay.

I have $40 here.

You see him anywhere?

No. Let's try in there.

Hi. Have any of you guys
seen a talking teddy bear run through here?

Shh! They're about to announce
the new Superman.

The new Superman is...
Jonah Hill!

Fuck!

Who's Superman?
What?

I'm just kidding.
I'm fucking with you.
Come on.

And if that
is not big enough news,

Hasbro will be unveiling
a brand-new line...

of Transformers merchandise
next fall.

Yeah. Yeah.

- We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons...
- Hey!

That is gonna be...
Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

Comic Con fans, let's take a look at this
thrilling sizzle reel...

with all
of our exciting new toys.

Take a look.
[ Cheering, Applause ]

Come on. There's
an empty supply room downstairs.

Is that him? Yeah, there was an issue,
so he's unconscious now,

but yeah, this is him.
Jesus!

Why did you bring him here?

I've been following him around
since yesterday.

This was the only chance
I could get him alone.

I had to move fast.
Hey, Ted!

Is that you?

Yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.

He puked a pile of cotton
all over this little girl in a stroller,

so we're gonna take him back
and sober him up.

Aw, rock on, Ted.

Eff, yeah.

Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.

[ Groans ]
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.

Hey, Johnny.
Guy?

Man, it's a goddamn party
here today.

Hey, I remember you
from the wedding.

You get a nose job?
No.

Yes, you did, you fuckin' liar.

- Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
- Ted? Where is he?

He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.

- Did you see which way they went?
- Yeah, yeah.

Back hallway,
past the photo booth.

Come on!

Thirsty, Urkel?

Fuckin' love this place.

[ Groans ]

What the fuck?
What the fuck's going on here?

- Who the hell are you?
- He really is extraordinary, isn't he?

[ Grunts ]
You son of a bitch.
This is kidnapping.

No, it's not.

Kidnapping only applies
to people.

And you, Ted, you're property.

Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece!

What do you say there?
Happy face.

Right there.
"Death to Ming." Yeah.
[ Shutter Clicks ]

Come on. All right.

[ Laughing ]
Happy guy.

Right there. "Death to Ming."
Good, yeah.

Hey, Bennett!

Oh, shit.

You messed up my car.
What the hell is wrong with you?

Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right?
Something happened to Ted.

But it was a good time
for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.

Hey, fuck your Chrysler!

[ Shouting ]

[ Fabric Tears ]
[ Shrieks ]

Holy shit!

Look, Donny. Donny!
You don't wanna do this.

Okay? Think about
what happened at Fenway.

You remember?
You cut me open, that's it.

I'm gone, dead.

Just a regular old teddy bear.

I won't be any fun then,
will I?

This isn't about you, Ted.

You're only one bear.

We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,

and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds...

One for every child
in the world.

One for me.

One that loves me
just as much as you love John.

Look, Donny,
I can never love you.

God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.

Okay? So what if I gave
you a hand job outside your pants...

while you ate an ice cream?

I'll give you a minute.

[ Grunting, Groaning ]

Come here!

[ Shouting ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

Hey, check it out.
Nerd fight.

Yeah!

[ All Shouting ]

Whoo!

[ Screeching ]

Come here.

Yeah!

Come on.

I'll see you in heaven, Ted.

[ Panting ]

Ted!

Johnny!
Who the hell are you?

Get away from him,
you bastard!

- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Johnny, thank God!

- I'm out.
- Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go.

- Come on. We can still do this.
- You're on your own, Danny.

I can't be implicated
in any of this.

- Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
- I work for Mattel.

You piece of shit.

Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?

Huh?
What do you wanna do now?

You don't deserve him, John.
You never did.

You never did!

I've been wanting to do this
for a long time.

[ Ted ]
Aha! I fucking knew it.

Come on.

[ Ted ]
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.

Oh, no, forget it, buddy.

Look, Teddy, you were upset,
and I shouldn't have brushed it off.

I'm so sorry.
No, listen to me.

Just listen to me.
You too, Sam.

I acted like an asshole.

All right? I was just hurting
'cause I knew I'd lost.

And that, in the eyes of the world,
I'll always be property.

But you know what?
Who gives a shit?

Right? It doesn't matter
what the world calls me.

I know who I am.

And that's all that's important.

And I know
who my friends are.

And honest to God,

if you two wanna be together,
nothing would make me happier.

Oh, buddy, I love you for that.
Thanks, Ted.

That means a lot.

And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,

you're a person.

As much as anybody
I've ever known.

Aw, Sam, that means the world coming
from someone who went to Arizona State.

[ Line Snaps ]

Ted!

[ Groans ]

[ Onlookers Chattering ]

Holy shit! Johnny!

Oh, my God. John!
Johnny!

- Aw, Jesus!
- Are you okay?

- Johnny, you all right?
- Shit.

John, hey.
Oh, my God.

- Jesus, what happened here?
- The rocket ship hit him.

Jesus Christ, that's
the starship Enterprise.

Forget it.
Somebody call 911!

Johnny? John, come on.
Stay with me, pal.

We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.

- How the hell did it fall?
- I don't know!

It was him!
The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle!

- Which one?
- All right.

Two can play this Where's Waldo? shit,
you son of a bitch.

Sam, give me your phone.

[ Woman ]
♪ I think we're alone now ♪

♪ There doesn't seem to be
anyone around ♪

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

- That's him.
- ♪ The beating of our hearts ♪

♪ Is the only sound ♪♪

Get off me!
Get off me!

Johnny?
Johnny, come on.

Johnny, you gotta wake up, pal.

Johnny, wake up!

Wake up, Johnny.

Johnny...

Johnny, wake up!

Johnny, wake up.

[ No Audio ]

[ Monitor Beeping ]

Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?

I don't know, Ms. Jackson.

We've done everything we can,
and it's all up to him now.

[ Whispering ]
John, please wake up.

[ Beeping Speeds Up ]

[ Continuous Beeping ]

- Somebody help!
- Oh, my God, John.

- John? Johnny?
- Hello?

There's something happening.

Mr. Bennett?

- Something's wrong.
- What's happening to him?

Mr. Bennett?
[ Sam ] John?

We have a Code Blue in Room 134!

- What does that mean?
- I'm sorry. You have to wait outside.

- What the hell's going on?
- The doctors will do everything they can,

but I need you to go to
the waiting area now, please.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What's the status?

He was stable a minute ago,
and now he's unresponsive.

The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.

Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.

Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.

I'm sorry. Um...

He didn't make it.

- [ Stammers ]
- What?

Johnny.

If you'd like, you can go in
and say your good-byes.

Aw, Johnny.

You were my thunder buddy.

You were my thunder buddy
for life.

And you gave up your own life
to save mine.

[ Exhales ]
The only problem is,

I don't know how
my life works without you.

Good-bye, John.

- I got you, motherfucker!
- [ All Screaming ]

Holy shit! He's a zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!

I totally fucking got you.

Holy shit!

You should have
seen your fucking face.

- You son of a bitch!
- [ Johnny ] That was fucking classic.

Wait, wait, wait.
This is payback because I made you think...

- that I was retarded.
- You made me think you were retarded!

Oh, well done!
Well done, man.
High five. High five.

What the fuck is going on?

What's going on, is this guy
just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.

You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!

Wait, wait.
How was the doctor in on it?

They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.

I talked him into
going along with the bit.

Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious.
Thanks.

No problem.
We're a fun hospital.

You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?

I put a frowny face on Facebook.
How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?

You could change your relationship
status from "single" to "it's complicated."

You're gonna have to do
a lot better than that.

How about...

"In a relationship
with John Bennett"?

Well, we'll have
to talk about that.

Okay, well, good talk.

Hey, if you guys wanna bang,
me and Teddy can totally leave the room.

No, no, honey, honey.
They're classy.
They're not like us.

They're good people.

I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.

Mr. Meighan.
What the hell?
Shit!

- Is it all right if I come in?
- Sure, yeah.

- How are you feeling, John?
- I'm alive.

You're very lucky.
I saw what you did on TV.

Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.

You know why?
Because he's a person.

And no matter how many of you smart-ass
Harvard lawyers try to keep him down...

you're not gonna change that...
Not in our eyes.

Ted is real.
So you can go fuck yourself.

I will.

And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,

I'd like to take your case, Ted.

What?
Seriously?

Oh, my God!
You heard that?

- Oh, my gosh!
- I don't believe it!

[ Clears Throat ]
Maybe we don't want you now.

- Shut up.
- No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you.

What made you change your mind?

When I saw
what John did for you...

That he was willing
to give his life for yours...

It gave me a kick in the ass.

Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.

I'm sorry I turned you away.

I was wrong.

As far as I'm concerned,

anyone who can inspire
that kind of love in another person...

deserves to be called human.

Oh, you mean it?

I certainly do.

So, shall we get started?

What defines a person?

What defines property?

What's the difference?

The anthropologist
and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes...

argues that the standards
for personhood...

include self-awareness,

an ability to understand
complex emotions...

and a capacity for empathy.

We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.

What is your name?

Ted Clubber Lang.

As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,

we all saw
the distressing images...

of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,
John Bennett.

In those images,

Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities...
of personhood.

It's right there
for anyone to see.

And I believe that a just court must,
by definition,

grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,

just as
the Emancipation Proclamation...

and the Thirteenth Amendment did
so many years ago.

So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

I invite you...

to change the world.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Well, Johnny, this is the second time
you've made me real.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, you were always real to me,
buddy, even when you weren't.

Congratulations, Ted.

Thanks, Sam.

[ Man ] Ted, over here!
Ted!

This is quite a victory for you.

Is there any statement
that you'd like to make,

now that
you're legally a person?

Yes, there is.

Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

will you marry me?

- Yes.
- [ Crowd Whooping, Cheering ]

[ Narrator ]
And so our story
comes to an end.

Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,

and soon afterward,
they adopted a fine, young baby boy.

Johnny,
meet your new godson,

Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.

[ Johnny ]
Teddy, he's adorable.

Oh, and we got something for him too.
John, show him.

- Oh, shit, yeah.
- [ Baby Cooing ]

- Hold on.
- [ Tami-Lynn ] He got you something.

[ Women ] Aww!
Huh?

[ Laughing ]
Oh, Johnny!

[ Tami-Lynn ]
Johnny, it's perfect.

Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life,

and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.

That's all I want for him.

Oh! It smells like
somebody's got a poopy diaper.

Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.

Yeah, no problem.

[ Ted ]
Aw, fuck me!

[ Tami-Lynn ] What's the matter?
That can't be normal.

He's got to be sick.
He's not sick.
It's just baby doody.

[ Johnny ] Yeah, that's
what babies do, Teddy.

[ Ted ] You don't think
this diaper's gross? No.

All right, here. Catch.
[ Object Splats ]

[ Johnny ] Teddy, what the fuck?
Holy shit!

You motherfucker!

[ Shutter Clicks ]
[ Ted ] Hashtag "Shit happens."

♪♪ [ Big-band Ballad Intro ]

[ Woman ]
♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

♪ It must be fun ♪

♪ To shine upon me ♪

♪ As I come undone ♪

♪ Till I'm all alone ♪

♪ Beneath the sun ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪ With your beam ♪

♪ You led the way ♪

♪ And found me love
I thought was here to stay ♪

♪ Then you went and took
my love away ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪ Oh, you mean ol' stars above ♪

♪ The games that you play
with me ♪

♪ I could find some happiness ♪

♪ If all of my nights
were cloudy ♪

♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

♪ I hope it's true ♪

♪ You're taking all the light
that's left in you ♪

♪ And savin' it up ♪

♪ For you-know-who ♪

♪ You mean ol' moon ♪

♪♪ [ Saxophone Playing Solo ]

♪ Mean ol' moon ♪

♪ I hope it's true ♪

♪ You're taking all the light
that's left in you ♪

♪ And saving it up ♪

♪ For you-know-who ♪

♪ You mean ♪

♪ Ol' moon ♪

♪ Oh, you mean ♪

♪ Ol' moon ♪♪