All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners s02e06 Exam Time.eng

[theme music playing]

[Will] All in all,
it'd been a strange

few months
for me and my friends.

My plan to raise
our social standing

had been a qualified success.

To be honest, if anything,

we'd slipped down
the social ladder.

Although, I did now know
the worst

way to impress a girl.

[in Yoda voice]
Feisty one, you are!

Or kill a fish.

But the end was in sight.

The end of term,
the end of year,

and if I didn't pass
my AS levels,

the end of my life.

But at least Simon
wasn't feeling the pressure.

-Hi, Simon.
-Huh? Oh, shit!

Revising hard?

Oh.

Yeah. Shit.

-Are you okay?
-Sorry.

A bit wet. Mum will get it out,
though, not to worry.

Sorry to disturb you.
I wanted to ask a favor.

-Yes!
-You don't know what it is yet.

Sorry. Go on.

Can I come to yours
and revise sociology with you?

Yes. God, yes. Come over
any time. Come over now.

-Well, I can't come over now.
-No, course not.

But this is really
great of you, Simon.

It's so hard to revise
at the moment

'Cause we've got
the builders in.

Oh, right. Is that euphemism?

Sorry?

You know,
like having the painters in.

Sorry, I don't really get it.

Oh, no. Don't worry,
it wasn't that funny.

What did you mean?

Come on, Simon,
what does it mean?

Oh, just,
"Having the painters in"

means being
on your period, right?

So, when you said
you couldn't concentrate

because you had the builders in,

I thought that might
be a euphemism

for you being on your period.

-Right. Okay, I see.
-It wasn't that funny, really.

No, it's fine. I get it.
Um, see you tonight, then?

-Cool. See you tonight.
-Okay.

[Rachel] You're actually going
to that freak's house?

[Will] So, despite him
behaving like a tool,

Carli was actually
going round to Simon's

and even stranger things
were happening at Jay's.

[R&B music playing]

No, Jay.

I'm not ready, sorry.

Um, no, I'm sorry.

I don't want
to rush things either.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I'd hate for you to think
I'm only after you for sex.

But just so you know, if you do
want to touch me downstairs,

then I'm totally fine with that.

I'm okay for now.

I'd better go then,
my mum's expecting me.

And shouldn't you be revising?

[clicks tongue]
Yeah, maybe I should,

but when you're near me, Chloe,

I can't think
about anything else.

You're so sweet.

Come on, I'll walk you home.

Unless you want to...

Um...

-No, thanks.
-Yeah. No. Come on then.

[Will] Unlike the others,

my revision strategy
went beyond trying

to get into girls' knickers.
I was studying hard,

and by hard, I mean doing
anything to avoid revising.

[door opening]

I said no, Mum,
I had a bath yesterday!

All right?

-Oh, it's you.
-Yeah.

What is all this shit?

It's not shit.

The schedule alone
took me two days to make.

Well, anyway, listen,
you'll never guess...

-Don't sit down.
-What?

Don't sit down.

Look, I came around 'cause
I've got the most amazing news.

Carli asked me, she asked me

if she can come
round to my house

to revise. Amazing, yeah?

Just have a look at
this for me, will you, Simon?

-Sure, what is it?
-It's my revision schedule.

-What are we looking for?
-Does it say anywhere,

"Listen to Simon witter on about

his futile crush
on Carli D'Amato?"

Don't be a dick. We're mates.
I wanted you to be the first--

-Goodbye, Simon.
-Come on, I just wanted to--

Goodbye!

[scoffs] Twat.

-[door opens]
-Look, Simon, I told...

-Neil?
-All right?

-Did you just see Simon?
-No, your mum let me in.

She is looking hot,
if I may say.

You may not.

Oh, right.

-Anyway, I need help revising.
-What subjects do you do?

-What, now?
-Yes, now.

Tech and design and PE.

-PE?
-Yup.

And that's an actual AS level

at the school
I now attend, is it?

Oh, God. I don't know, Neil.

Go for a run or something.

Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought
of that! Nice one.

[Will] Neil jogged home.
And later that evening,

Simon had Carli
where he'd always wanted her.

In his bedroom.

Unfortunately,
she was fully clothed

and discussing sociology.

And I suppose the big thing

is that Parsons' description
of a family

is one of the traditional
nuclear families.

So, that means that what he says

might not be relevant
for everyone.

Yeah, you could
be stronger on that.

Like, it clearly doesn't mean
his work

on the family is invalid,

but it's an
important qualification.

Right, course.

Do you want to watch a DVD?

Overall, was his theory
evolutionary or revolutionary?

Um, revolutionary.

Evolutionary.

-Shit, I knew that.
-[knock on door]

Oh, Simon, I've just brought you
some biscuits.

What do you think you're doing?

You know you're not
allowed in here!

All right, I'm going. Say hello
to your mum for me, Carli.

Go away!

-God, she's a nightmare.
-My mum's the same.

So, like,
when I split up with Tom,

she was like always, like,

hanging around when I was on
the phone, trying to listen in.

[chuckles] Right, yeah. Cool.

Sorry, did you say that
you split up with Tom?

-I thought everyone knew.
-Oh, yeah, course, they do.

He's a stupid lanky twat,
isn't he?

I don't really want
to talk about it.

No, 'course.

I might put some music on.

[soft music plays]

Jay got me into this.

Simon, do you mind if
we do something different?

Not at all.
What were you thinking?

Maybe we could watch that DVD.

I'm really shitting myself
about my last exam,

and I know you
don't do geography, but

would you mind helping
me out with it a bit?

I'm finding it really hard.

Now?

-No problem at all. My pleasure.
-Thanks.

So, I thought we'd do
longshore drift first.

Just turn that off.

I don't really
get wave patterns...

[Will] So while Simon was
cramming for an exam

he wasn't sitting,

Neil had his own
learning difficulties.

How is your revision going?

Terrible, I think I pulled
a hamstring.

All right, benders?
You missed me then?

Jay! All right, mate?

-Where have you been?
-I've been busy.

-Doing what?
-I've met a girl.

Oh, yeah! What's this one,
a Russian lap dancer?

No. Her name's Chloe
and she goes to St. Claire's,

and we met at the bus stop,
and just got chatting.

Did you fuck her
behind the bus shelter, then?

-No, Neil.
-Fingers?

-No.
-Let's see a picture then.

Yeah, of her strumming herself.

Neil, can you stop
talking like that?

Why?

Because I've never felt like
this about a bird before.

Chloe's special.

What, more special than them
twins that only wanted anal?

What, them? No, yeah, no.

This is different.
That was purely sexual.

No, Chloe's a real lady.

If she's real,
you should have a photo.

There you go.

Hot stuff!

Oh, she seems nice, mate.

Yeah, she's good.

You've nicked that off
a girl's Facebook site.

-I thought you were revising.
-I'm trying to but it's almost

impossible with the amount
of noise you idiots are making.

Look. Here we are together.
I've got loads of them.

Hmm. Doesn't prove anything.

-And do you love her, then?
-Fuck off.

No denial, you fucking love her.

Shut up!

Oh, yeah,
I thought I recognized her.

She pulled David Glover,
didn't she?

Don't be a tit, Neil.
Of course she hasn't.

No, I think she has.

Look, one,

she's not like that, and two,

she doesn't know
anyone from our school.

-I'll ask. Oi, David!
-What?

Neil, don't. Seriously, don't.
Please don't.

-Oh, nothing.
-Twat.

Look, honestly, Neil,

she doesn't know
anyone from our school.

All right, ask her yourself.

We're going down
the Fox and Hounds

after the last exam
on Friday. Come along.

And what? Not get served?

No, Chloe reckons she gets
served there all the time.

-And wear your wellies, Neil.
-Why's that?

'Cause you'll be knee deep
in grammar school clunge.

[Will] So, somehow Jay
had an actual,

non-fictional girlfriend.

But I wouldn't let it
distract me

from my new revision strategy.

Staring at books
and praying something went in.

Hello.

Hello.

Sorry about the other night.

It's just, politics is really
important to me

and it's my last exam.

-I didn't mean to be a dick.
-You were a dick.

Fine. Better get back to it.

Sure.

Why are you revising geography?

You don't do geography.

They're not letting you take
an extra AS level are they?

Oh, no, it's for Carli. She just
needs a bit of extra help.

So, when are you revising
for your own exams?

You know, the ones
in the next couple of days?

I'm not really.
I can always resit.

-How's your revision going?
-Yeah, not bad. Pretty good.

Got an excellent
schedule sorted,

color-coded,
and balancing my time well.

Got some drinks here to help.
Pro Plus, that sort of thing.

-Right.
-And nothing's fucking going in!

Nothing. I mean look at this.
I must have read about

the Accountability
of Legislatures

to Citizens 50 times

and I still don't know
what it means!

I'm starting to doubt if
"legislatures" is even a word!

It doesn't look
like a word any more.

None of them do.

They just look like
squiggles on a page!

I mean...

Is this a word?

Yes. Council.

Is it? It doesn't look right.

I think you probably
need a bit more sleep, mate.

[scoffs]

And maybe lay off
the power drinks a bit?

These are full
of electrolytes which,

if they exist,
are good for the brain.

Think of your stomach, though.

Even one of those drinks makes
my shits come out too fast.

I'm just saying.
Like rusty water.

[Will] It was a novel revision
tip, I'll give him that.

But when it came to advice,

the real man to go to
was Mr. Cartwright.

-All right, Dad?
-All right there.

Dad, can I ask your advice
about something.

-What is it, woman trouble?
-Yeah, it is.

That little bitch you were with
the other day?

Chloe, yeah.

See, there's this guy
at school, right?

So she's dumped you
for this bloke?

Well, that's a lucky escape.

I thought she was a fucking pig.

No, she hasn't dumped me, Dad.
I think I love her.

So, you're back with the pig?

Dad, we didn't split up
and please don't call her a pig.

It's just that
I'm getting a bit jealous.

'Cause I think
she might have seen

a few more people than I have.

I'd say that's a given,
isn't it?

If she's got off with
more than one person

she's beaten you hands down.
[laughs]

Look mate, women are like
fairground rides.

Fucking mental.

Your only hope is that
when she wants some,

you do the best you can
with your tiny equipment.

And check where
she is the whole time.

That's the only way
you'll be totally sure

she's not sucking off
this other bloke.

Right.

Thanks, Dad.

Although, let's face it,
she probably is.

Fancy a beer?

Thanks for coming around,
it's a really nice surprise.

That's all right.
Just wanted to be near ya.

Check how and where you are.

Aw, that's sweet.

I'll just get this last bit done
and then I'm all yours.

Cool.

Did you pull David Glover?

What?

David Glover, did you pull him?

-I don't know who that is.
-It's just Neil said...

-Oh, your friend Neil?
-Yeah, do you know him, too?

No, it's just you
mention him a lot.

Right, course.

Anyway, do you want to
come around mine tomorrow?

I can't.

-Why, where are you going?
-Well, nowhere.

-So, you'll be home then?
-Yeah.

Shouldn't you be
revising as well?

No, I'm not allowed.

Teachers say 'cause I've got
a photographic memory

it wouldn't be
fair on the other kids.

[Will] If Jay's
made-up memory skill

was a bad revision plan,

then Neil's topped it,

sitting on his arse
playing computer games.

Oh, Neil, I really think
you should be revising.

I am, this is football.

Well, what about
your other subjects?

What about tech and design?

I put that shelf up, didn't I?

-Was that for your exam?
-Yeah. Well, it was 50% of it.

[Will] So, whilst Neil
wasn't revising

for an exam he was taking,

Simon was revising
for an exam he wasn't.

Perfect answer.
You're perfect at this.

God, I think I do know it.
Amazing.

You've done really, really well.
Honestly.

I couldn't have done it
without you, thank you so much.

Wow.

-It's late, I should go.
-Oh, sure.

God, maybe I'll actually
pass geography now.

Thanks again.

[Will] So, he'd finally
worn her down.

And Simon didn't know

whether to come in his pants
or text his friends.

In the end, he did both.

It was the day of my last exam,

and I'd just got in
a good eight hours' revision.

Unfortunately,
it was during the eight hours

I should have been sleeping.

What are you doing up so early?

I thought the politics exam
wasn't till this afternoon?

It is. But this way I can get
a full morning of revision in.

Better to be prepared.

Also, I've not really been
to bed, so what's early?

Well, I'm worried
about you, petal.

Have you had any breakfast?

No, I'm a bit, you know,
my stomach.

Oh, yeah, I do know.

Would it have killed you
to wipe down

the back of the toilet bowl?

[Will] So, while the world
was falling out of my arse,

Simon was on top of it.

-I can't believe she kissed me.
-Calm down, it was only a kiss.

Come back to me
when you're wanking

over her arse
as she frigs herself off.

It was two kisses, actually.

And she's already told me
she's coming

to the Fox and Hounds tonight,
so, I reckon more is coming.

-How's Chloe?
-Yeah, she's good.

I've not seen much of her
'cause she's revising,

but I know where she's been,

and I text her 15,
16 times a day

to keep in touch, you know.

Good idea.

And I send her Facebook messages
and that.

Bebo, MySpace, just to let her
know that I'm thinking of her.

-Like a stalker.
-Fuck off.

How's Count Spatula
been getting on?

Going mental, I think.

We'll probably see him
when we finish,

his last exam
is straight after ours.

-Good luck with your PE.
-Yeah, don't forget your kit.

Oh, fuck.

[Will] The moment had arrived.
The last exams.

Simon and Jay both
knew they had

sacrificed their chances
of good grades

for a shot at love.

A sweet, if remarkably
short-sighted decision.

While Neil had sacrificed
his chances of keeping

his balls in his boxer shorts.

But then, for them,
it was all over,

bar one last bollocking
from Gilbert.

I've checked your texts

and despite almost
making me vomit,

they obviously weren't about
the exam. Count yourself lucky.

Yeah, I was texting a girl, sir.

Well, good luck with her,
Cartwright.

All I can say is
she can't be too keen

'cause it didn't buzz once.

Now, piss off and let me get

this final piece of hell
over with.

Fuck me, it's Shaun of the dead.

You look dreadful mate,
really tired.

Why do you think I'm drinking
these energy drinks?

They perk me up.

Have you washed?

You can't revise in the shower,
Jay, the books get wet!

Yeah, well, do us a favor

and have a shower
before tonight. Yeah?

Seven at mine.

-You betcha.
-Right, see you later.

Yeah. Good luck, stinky.

[Will] It was the most
important exam of my life,

and as I sat there,

two thoughts occurred to me.

The first was,
"What's the point?"

Seriously? I mean, what
is the point in being alive?

And secondly,
I really need a shit.

[stomach rumbles]

What is it now, McKenzie?

Sir, I need to go to the toilet.

-Again?
-Yes.

-Well, you can't.
-Sorry?

That could be the fourth time
in an hour. You'll have to wait.

I'm pretty sure you
can't do that, sir.

If I have reason to to believe
you're cheating, I can.

And I do, so I have.
Now, get on with your paper.

[stomach rumbles]

Oh, God, no. Phil.

[stomach rumbles]

Phil!

[squishy fart]

Oh, no.

-Phil...
-Oh, Jesus.

I thought it was a fart, sir.
I thought it was safe!

In a term of low-points,
this was it.

Literally the bottom.

And yet as I waddled
to the toilet,

I felt strangely optimistic.

Things couldn't get any worse.

Painful as it may seem,
in a way, I was free.

Free to reinvent myself
as whatever I wanted.

Right after I changed
my underpants.

And at least I still
had my friends,

who waited a
whole ten minutes

before going to the pub
without me.

What do you think has
happened to Will?

He's not normally late.

He's normally
irritatingly early.

I hope he's all right.

He's probably on the internet

looking up the answers
to the exam questions.

-And then having a wank.
-What?

Well, it's impossible, isn't it?

I don't think I've ever been
on the internet

and not ended up having a wank.

Do you think Chloe and Carli
will get on?

Sure, it'll be like
a cool double date.

Ending with both of us
getting some.

Maybe they'll lay us off.

Neil, I've told you. All right?
This is your last warning.

Do you honestly think
you'll get served here?

Yeah. Of course. I've got ID.

-G'day.
-What can I get ya?

-Two jars of lager and a coke.
-Stella all right?

Um, yeah. Cheers.

-Fucking hell.
-Nice!

The one time we get served
and I'm driving. Bollocks.

It'll be better to be sober
when you see Carli.

I mean, Chloe prefers it.

You know what I used to
be like with the old drink.

Um, no.

Hello!

Fuck me. I thought you
dressed like a twat normally,

but even for you, that's shit.

-Where have you been?
-Just finished my exam.

-It started six hours ago.
-I was a bit delayed.

You look mental.

Take your tie off at least.

Why are you wearing
tracksuit bottoms?

The tracksuit bottoms
are from lost property,

as are my new underpants,

-which I won't show you.
-And what's in that bag?

Well, in there are the trousers
and pants

I wore to school this morning.

What's going on? Are you doing
a fashion show or something?

It's a long story, Neil,
but the salient facts are these.

Recently,
I've had a nervy tummy,

due to stress, I think.

And all the energy drinks
and Pro Plus.

Perhaps. And in the exam,
I took a risk and it backfired.

I went to fart and,
instead, shit myself.

[all laughing]

-Are you joking?
-No, I'm not.

-In front of everyone?
-Yep.

Oh, my God.

Yes. And because
of my high heart rate,

the school nurse spent
three hours

calming me down
before I went back

into an empty exam hall
to finish.

Hence I am late. Apologies.

How do you think you did?

I think I might have failed,
Neil.

I was a bit distracted.

Why didn't you go home
and change first?

People are gonna
take the piss, mate.

Just to reiterate, I loudly shit
myself in front of the school.

There's no point
trying to hide it.

Life doesn't get much more
embarrassing than that.

This get-up is
a mere fly in the ointment.

Have you gone mad?

Possibly, hard to tell.

Drinks anyone?

[Will] Now, what could
make this day worse?

Oh, yeah. Not getting served.

Good day. Could I have a pint
of lager, please?

Stella?

Sorry, you may have misheard.
I said I'd like a pint of lager.

-Yeah. Stella?
-Yes. Right.

-Well, what if I want two pints?
-Two pints?

There you go.

Well, what about this?

He's going to get drunk,
I reckon.

Being dressed like that
is weird enough,

but that bag's got his shitty
clothes in it.

No one brings a bag of shit
to a pub.

-Your dad does.
-Does he?

-Yeah, your mum.
-[laughs]

Brilliant!

-That'll be £6.20, please.
-Interesting.

I'll have another pint then,
please.

-Hi, Jay.
-Chloe!

Darling, this is Neil and Simon.
This is Chloe.

-Nice to meet you.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Do you wanna drink, babes?

Um actually, Jay, could we go
and have a quick chat outside?

Yeah, course. I only want to be
with you anyway.

I see these twats all the time.

Yeah, go on. Muff before mates.

Just the two of us then.

And Will.

Yeah.
Not sure he'll be joining us.

We'll still have a laugh,
though. Me and you.

-Yeah, of course. Cheers mate.
-Cheers.

Nice idea.
This is much more private.

I've been wanting
to kiss you for ages.

I've missed you so much.

No, Jay.
Listen, we need to talk.

Yeah, I know.
Yeah. I love our talks.

Where you tell me about

how you've fallen out
with one of your mates

and then how you've made up
again later or something.

No, I mean, talk about us.

It's not you, it's me.

I just don't feel
this is right anymore.

What's not right?
What, coming to the pub?

-We can leave, if you like.
-No, Jay. Me and you.

I just don't think it's right
we see each other anymore.

I think you're a bit
too sensitive for me.

No, I'm not.
I'm really not. I promise you.

Well, you are for me.

And you're a bit needy

and it scared me

'cause I'm not ready
for that kind of thing.

All the texting, all the calls,
it's too intense, it's too much.

Well, I can change. I'll change.

And you know, I won't call you
for ages, for weeks.

Just, you know,
tell me what you want

me to be
and I'll be exactly that.

I'll be exactly that. Just
please don't split up with me.

I'm sorry, Jay,
I've made up my mind.

I hope we can be friends.

-Right. Yeah. Course.
-Cool.

Well, have a nice evening.
I'll see you later.

[Will] While Jay struggled
to cope with his problems,

I'd found an excellent way
to deal with mine.

This is fantastic.

No wonder so many people
drink away their whole lives.

-Barkeep, another pint, please.
-Sure.

[Will] So, while I gave
my liver a kicking,

Simon and Neil were
enjoying each other's company.

-Why don't we go and--
-Hold on a second.

-Carli.
-Hi, Simon.

Hi. I've made you a CD.

Oh, right. Thanks.

It's nothing.
Although the songs on there

really do say
a lot of the things

I want to say,
but sort of better.

Simon, listen. There's something
I've got to tell you.

Oh, God, I know. I feel it, too.
I've always felt it for years.

And now it's happened
and here we are.

I'm back with Tom.

You all right, Simon?

Get us a seat, Carls.
I'll get the drinks in, yeah?

-Ohh, you're back with Tom.
-Yes.

So, that was what
you wanted to say?

Not that you love me.

I'm really sorry, Simon.

Do you want to join us
for a drink?

Um... No.
I better get back to Neil.

-I left him on his own.
-Okay.

Maybe I should take that CD back
as well, thinking about it.

-Oh, can't I keep it?
-No, I've got to have it back.

That's a shame.
It looks really...

Are those drawings of me?

-Not all of you.
-And is that you?

Um...

No. See ya!

Goodbye, cruel pants.

All right, you big poof?
Where's your bit then?

I thought you'd be out here
up to your nuts in guts.

No. I had to give her the boot.

Did you?

I thought you were
really into her?

Nah.

She was, like, frigid.

And she wouldn't
have this threesome

even though I organized it
with a top lezza model,

and my cock was too big for her.

[crying]

It's all right, mate.

It'll be okay.

Have you two been getting off
with each other?

-What's wrong with Jay?
-It's okay.

He split up with Chloe.

[brokenly] I dumped her.
Make sure you tell people that.

Yeah, of course, mate.

-Even though it isn't true?
-Neil!

Come on, let's go.
This place is cursed.

Oh, my God. It's haunted.

-No, Neil.
-Well, it might be.

Like one of those ghost stories.

You know, like Harry Potter
or the Bible.

Maybe I can have one more pint?

I did shit myself in front
of the school today.

No, we're off.

Aren't you gonna
wait for Carli?

-No, she dumped him.
-I wasn't dumped.

It was more a mutual decision.

She mutually decided
she fancied her boyfriend more?

Yes. Come on, Jay.

Come on, mate. You'll be all
right. We'll get you some chips.

I think now's a good time
to tell you

I'll probably puke in your car.

-Great.
-No, don't worry.

It won't make
this shit heap any worse.

-Shotgun!
-You've perked up.

Yeah, well, I suppose there'
s plenty more clunge in the sea.

Yeah, that's it. And next time
we'll be the top year,

which means pick of the birds.

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, God, next term!

Do you think anyone's gonna
remember my little accident?

Yes. Of course they will.

Well, at least they won't call
you Briefcase Mong anymore.

Well, that's good.

Now, they'll call you
Shit-pants Mong.

[laughs]
Or shitty shitty bang bang.

Any more?

-Wayne Pooney. Take Shat.
-Dr. Poo.

The Lion, The Witch and
The Specky Kid Who Shit Himself.

We can keep this up all summer,
you know?

Brilliant.
Looking forward to it.

-[Simon] Brad Shit.
-[Jay] Bumlog Millionaire!

[Will] All right!

-How about Vladimir Pootin?
-Who?

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