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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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I'm Anderson Cooper,
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and this country
is the once-popular jock
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now selling tires behind
an abandoned Pizza Hut.
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00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:19,283
Bob Woodward has done it again,
breaking the explosive story
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that President Trump
knew in early February
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about the dangers of coronavirus.
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Woodward's super-secret source
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was 18 extended interviews
with the President himself.
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Let's listen.
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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Trump hit the trail to defend himself.
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- It's so nice to be here
- _
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in the one part of America
that's not on fire.
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Everything's going great, folks!
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00:00:50,713 --> 00:00:54,014
Don't believe anything you
see, hear, or feel deep inside.
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00:00:54,016 --> 00:00:57,159
Forget about these Michael Cohen
and Bob Woodward books.
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00:00:57,161 --> 00:00:58,585
I'll give you the CliffNotes.
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I wanted to be president
again more than I wanted
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to stop this deadly pandemic.
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Wow. You people will cheer for anything!
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Get this... I knew how bad
coronavirus would be
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and then lied about it
'cause I don't give a shit
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00:01:11,003 --> 00:01:13,766
about anyone not named Trump!
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00:01:13,768 --> 00:01:16,469
Geez. I probably won't be
voting for that guy.
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00:01:16,471 --> 00:01:19,724
Anyway, I was gonna kick this
off with my law-and-order spiel,
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but for some reason, people
aren't buying my message
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of "I alone can clean up
the shit I took on your deck".
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But mark my words.
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If Biden wins, I will not be here
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to stop the chaos I
am constantly creating!
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I have to admit,
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hearing you cheer is the
weirdest part of all this.
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None of you people have masks.
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00:01:39,294 --> 00:01:41,761
And I thought the troops
died for nothing.
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I mean, is it worth saving everyone?
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I didn't say soldiers were bad.
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I just said they were losers.
I love the troops.
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That's why I dodged the draft...
44
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to give the troops more
space to shiver in foxholes!
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I'm so glad I don't have to
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go on Tapper tomorrow
and mop up this shit geyser.
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I'm using your tax dollars
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to defend myself
against rape accusations.
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00:02:02,282 --> 00:02:04,783
Do we love it?! We love it!
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Still a good chance white women
will fuck this one up again.
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00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:12,691
Okay. Bye-bye forever, nobodies!
52
00:02:12,693 --> 00:02:16,155
Dakota was the name of a girl
Jeff Epstein introduced me to.
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Ooh, forget I said that.
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00:02:17,464 --> 00:02:19,364
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
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I'm done looking these
piggies in the snout.
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Speed-round time.
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Drain the swamp!
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They're coming for the suburbs!
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QAnon is real!
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Empty your airplane toilet on us!
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Life with COVID is surreal,
but watching crowds
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cheer the man who brought
this hell upon us
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makes me feel like I'm
floating through space.
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Your thoughts, Vice President Biden?
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Wowee! I might win this thing!
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This guy's eating shit harder
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00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,786
than me in sexual-harassment training!
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00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,788
Any system that produces
these two candidates
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is clearly broken.
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Virus? What virus?
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February 2020,
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when I was a warrior king.
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00:02:59,172 --> 00:03:02,473
The mighty Dow Jones
was a phoenix rising
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00:03:02,475 --> 00:03:04,908
from the ashes of the Obama-pocalypse,
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00:03:04,910 --> 00:03:07,289
my Herculean impeachment battle
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00:03:07,291 --> 00:03:09,880
completely overshadowed
Black History Month,
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I reigned victorious at the White House
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00:03:12,517 --> 00:03:15,518
"Cute as Cupid" Valentine's
Day Beauty Pageant,
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00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:19,155
and I was a god to my
only child who matters.
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Then I must have opened
an umbrella indoors
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because stuff went sideways quick.
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But don't worry!
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My unhinged cult will never abandon me!
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Come on out. Don't be shy.
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I know. I get shy around me, too.
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00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:37,540
The Obama-topia.
That was pretty good, huh?
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00:03:37,542 --> 00:03:40,877
My approval rating spiked if
I took a lick of rocky road,
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00:03:40,879 --> 00:03:42,783
when I called for a drone strike,
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it was done before I
could even say where,
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and I inspired the total confidence
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of the only woman who
matters... Jill Biden.
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00:03:49,387 --> 00:03:51,417
Now I mostly just hang
out in my basement,
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taking leaks in the drain.
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00:03:52,756 --> 00:03:54,256
Anyway, vote Biden!
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00:03:54,258 --> 00:03:55,724
It's the police!
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We received 90,000 calls
for a wellness check.
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Hiya, Gary! You got
the wrong house again!
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00:04:01,262 --> 00:04:02,564
Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow.
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00:04:02,566 --> 00:04:06,035
And just so you know, it's legal
to relieve myself in my drain!
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00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,636
I checked!
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00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:10,739
Ah, I wonder whatever
happened to that Barack Obama.
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00:04:10,741 --> 00:04:14,648
Probably licensing his name
to frozen food. That's my dream.
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00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:17,359
Your dream is becoming
president, remember?
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00:04:17,361 --> 00:04:19,779
"President Biden's Frozen Flapjacks".
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00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,283
I like the sound of that!
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00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:28,162
- Dad. We were there.
- We saw it.
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I told you to shove snapping turtles
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in every mailbox so no one can vote.
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00:04:31,970 --> 00:04:34,293
We didn't have time because
we were at your speech.
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I was in the back, seeing if my balls
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could fit in the cup holders.
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And I was helping him with a shoehorn!
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The place was empty, Dad!
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00:04:41,371 --> 00:04:43,177
Get your ass together
on this COVID thing,
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00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:44,637
or you're gonna lose the election.
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COVID was my first genocide, Don.
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We're all entitled to one mistake.
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Whatever. Come on, Eric.
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00:04:49,612 --> 00:04:52,146
I think I saw an unlocked
car with a sticky cupholder.
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00:04:52,148 --> 00:04:53,948
Sick!
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00:04:53,950 --> 00:04:56,517
You know there's
a bathroom upstairs, right?
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00:04:56,519 --> 00:04:58,366
Might as well be on Everest!
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I'm not going to mince words, sweetie...
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00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:03,030
you're going to lose this race
if you stay in the basement.
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00:05:03,032 --> 00:05:04,698
But my campaign's doing great.
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00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,492
I'm showing I'd be a fine president
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00:05:06,494 --> 00:05:08,960
if the White House magically
became a big basement.
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00:05:08,962 --> 00:05:12,373
Joe, you used to be
everyone's racially clumsy
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00:05:12,375 --> 00:05:13,832
but well-meaning uncle.
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00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,268
This is how people know you now.
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00:05:18,472 --> 00:05:21,673
Hey, hey! That guy's funny!
Blap-blap, blap-blap-blap!
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The first time you ran
for president and lost,
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I kept my lips zipped.
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00:05:25,446 --> 00:05:27,471
The second time, I
bit my tongue so hard,
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00:05:27,473 --> 00:05:28,780
I got a staph infection.
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00:05:28,782 --> 00:05:31,116
Ah, geez, folks! I'm trying!
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And now when people ask if
you're stuck in the basement
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because your ass fused
to the couch cushions,
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00:05:36,023 --> 00:05:38,957
I grit my teeth so hard
I've cracked three molars!
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00:05:38,959 --> 00:05:40,818
You should get a pair of horse teeth.
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00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:42,194
They never let me down.
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00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:44,463
Just get out of the basement
and show everyone
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00:05:44,465 --> 00:05:46,330
the Joe Biden they know and love,
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00:05:46,332 --> 00:05:48,412
or I'm sealing up that drain.
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Alright. I'm gonna go do a 35-mile jog.
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00:05:51,705 --> 00:05:53,371
Sorry I couldn't make the rally.
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00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:55,840
Jar-head and I just
liquidated our assets
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00:05:55,842 --> 00:05:59,177
and bought the cutest unsellable
monstrosity in Washington.
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00:05:59,179 --> 00:06:01,312
I'm not sure now's
a great time to buy...
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00:06:01,314 --> 00:06:03,548
666 Thorny Cock Way.
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00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:05,616
But there's plenty of
bankrupting properties
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00:06:05,618 --> 00:06:07,118
- in New York.
- Stop it, Daddy.
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00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,054
You are so going to win this election.
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00:06:09,056 --> 00:06:11,056
By the way, what's this rumor
that you're responsible
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00:06:11,058 --> 00:06:12,857
for hundreds of thousands of deaths?
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00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:15,359
- Wow. Slow news day, huh?
- Whatever.
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As long as it doesn't affect
your reelection chances
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in the slightest, I'll always love you.
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I want to assure Americans
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worried about this pandemic
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that I have heard your concerns...
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and smelled your FedExed boxes of feces.
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From the moment this virus threatened
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our great reelection of me,
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I have done everything in my power
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during commercials of Judge Jeanine.
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00:06:37,149 --> 00:06:39,049
Please spend your
hard-earned credibility
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00:06:39,051 --> 00:06:40,550
backing that up, Dr. Birx.
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00:06:40,552 --> 00:06:42,419
The President is correct.
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00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:44,700
The fact that she doesn't
actually believe it
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makes it that much sweeter.
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As for Dr. Fauci, he'd love to be here,
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but he's on vacation inside a snake pit.
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00:06:50,229 --> 00:06:51,394
I'll take one question.
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- Mr. President!
- Come on!
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- Ahh... NBC, CNN...
- This is madness!
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Uh, let's go with OAN.
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President Trump, obviously,
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you are the greatest
president in history...
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00:07:01,073 --> 00:07:02,572
She said it! Not me!
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00:07:02,574 --> 00:07:04,775
... but are you concerned
that your reelection chances
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00:07:04,777 --> 00:07:07,076
will be affected by the
country smelling of death?
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00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,245
Whoa! What the hell, OAN?!
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00:07:09,247 --> 00:07:10,713
Sorry. I live by a morgue,
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00:07:10,715 --> 00:07:12,681
so this whole thing
affects me personally,
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00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,283
and therefore I now care about it.
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00:07:14,285 --> 00:07:17,086
Not OAN! Why, God?!
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Who will regurgitate my bullshit?!
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Don't roll your eyes. Don't do it.
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Damn it, Debbie. Now you're a meme.
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You're gonna leave the basement?!
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Do you have a death wish?!
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00:07:31,903 --> 00:07:33,402
This election's a layup.
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00:07:33,404 --> 00:07:34,937
Trump's faults are so obvious,
195
00:07:34,939 --> 00:07:36,773
you don't even have to point them out.
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We rarely do. It's beneath us.
197
00:07:38,910 --> 00:07:40,976
But I'm glitchy, and Jill said I need
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00:07:40,978 --> 00:07:43,812
to get out of the basement, or
she'll close up my pee drain.
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00:07:43,814 --> 00:07:44,915
Joe, stop.
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00:07:44,917 --> 00:07:48,116
Obviously we can't keep you
locked in your basement.
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00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:50,252
The cops are asking questions.
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00:07:50,254 --> 00:07:54,420
I think we can do this. You
have so much going for you.
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00:07:54,422 --> 00:07:55,423
Oh, boy!
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00:07:55,425 --> 00:07:58,761
You're the legendary Joe Biden.
People love you!
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00:07:58,763 --> 00:08:00,796
You were Obama's vice president!
206
00:08:00,798 --> 00:08:02,831
And that's just for starters.
207
00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:05,233
You also, uh, uhh...
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00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,469
Not that. Definitely not that.
209
00:08:07,471 --> 00:08:09,237
Holy Lord, not that.
210
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,574
- Uh, y-you're the Obama guy!
- Obama!
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00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:15,177
But you're gonna need
that best friend of yours.
212
00:08:15,179 --> 00:08:16,511
Strom Thurmond's dead.
213
00:08:16,513 --> 00:08:18,613
Well, I guess we can
try to Frankenstein him,
214
00:08:18,615 --> 00:08:20,581
but the forecast doesn't
call for lightning.
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00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,651
- No. Obama.
- Oh, yeah. H-He's cool, too.
216
00:08:26,022 --> 00:08:27,988
I took a break from packing up my office
217
00:08:27,990 --> 00:08:29,490
because I heard you were sad
218
00:08:29,492 --> 00:08:31,492
and I thought that
would be funny to see.
219
00:08:31,494 --> 00:08:33,027
It's no use, Kellyanne.
220
00:08:33,029 --> 00:08:35,596
This pandemic has
destroyed countless lives
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00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,699
and, worse, my chance of reelection.
222
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:39,166
Don't forget the economy.
223
00:08:39,168 --> 00:08:40,768
I had forgotten. Thank you.
224
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,417
You gotta stop talking
about the shared reality
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00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:45,139
and start talking about the reality
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00:08:45,141 --> 00:08:46,541
you want people to believe.
227
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:48,343
You know how I say I'm late to work
228
00:08:48,345 --> 00:08:50,244
because I'm investigating staffers
229
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:51,779
for leaking to my reporter friends?
230
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,014
I can't believe Kudlow
leaked what I told you
231
00:08:54,016 --> 00:08:55,649
in those one-on-one meetings.
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00:08:55,651 --> 00:08:57,351
He didn't. I'm actually late
233
00:08:57,353 --> 00:08:59,353
from having morning
hate-sex with my husband.
234
00:08:59,355 --> 00:09:01,155
It stinks. Pee-yew!
235
00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:03,657
I still think Kudlow had
something to do with it.
236
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:04,660
See?
237
00:09:04,662 --> 00:09:09,029
You wanted to believe
my story, and so you did.
238
00:09:09,031 --> 00:09:11,332
Wow! Alright. I'll do it.
239
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,500
I'll convince America that this pandemic
240
00:09:13,502 --> 00:09:14,969
is whatever I say it is
241
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,105
regardless of what it actually is!
242
00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:19,039
I can't believe you have
sex with your spouse.
243
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:20,741
What's that like?
244
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,712
My fellow Americans,
245
00:09:25,714 --> 00:09:28,682
I am vanquishing the dreaded COVID-19,
246
00:09:28,684 --> 00:09:31,551
which began under Obama...
no one talks about that.
247
00:09:31,553 --> 00:09:33,653
Isn't that right, my
artery-clogged hype men
248
00:09:33,655 --> 00:09:35,389
Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani?
249
00:09:35,391 --> 00:09:38,658
You heard him, corona!
Pack your pus and scram!
250
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:41,391
I would be very scared if I
were that soggy little lung bug,
251
00:09:41,393 --> 00:09:42,763
and I ain't scared of nothin'.
252
00:09:42,765 --> 00:09:45,187
I once had a spa day with Lou Dobbs.
253
00:09:45,189 --> 00:09:46,767
You know how small those towels are?
254
00:09:46,769 --> 00:09:48,268
Like a mouse's handkerchief!
255
00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:50,336
And, incidentally, during every bad part
256
00:09:50,338 --> 00:09:52,372
of the last six months,
Mike Pence was president.
257
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,340
I accept full responsibility
258
00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:56,175
and the proportionate punishment...
259
00:09:56,177 --> 00:09:57,911
castration by jackhammer.
260
00:09:57,913 --> 00:09:59,613
But Mike Pence wasn't president.
261
00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,882
Damn it! My story's one loophole.
262
00:10:01,884 --> 00:10:04,217
Let's still do that
castration thing, though.
263
00:10:04,219 --> 00:10:06,552
Folks! Look at this, huh?
264
00:10:06,554 --> 00:10:08,421
It's me... Joe Biden!
265
00:10:08,423 --> 00:10:10,923
- I'm a legend, just like you remember.
- _
266
00:10:10,925 --> 00:10:12,625
Vice President of America!
267
00:10:12,627 --> 00:10:14,960
Ain't that right, Barack Obama?
268
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,261
I selected him myself.
269
00:10:16,263 --> 00:10:17,863
Actually, I put it to a vote.
270
00:10:17,865 --> 00:10:19,698
Joe beat Tim Kaine five to four.
271
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,890
Well, I'm still the same old Joe,
272
00:10:21,892 --> 00:10:23,201
with a mouthful of porcelain
273
00:10:23,203 --> 00:10:25,672
and a noseful of your aunt's hairspray!
274
00:10:25,674 --> 00:10:28,574
Hey, Barack, this is a big fuckin' deal!
275
00:10:28,576 --> 00:10:30,275
Remember that old classic, folks?
276
00:10:30,277 --> 00:10:32,144
It's my legacy!
277
00:10:32,146 --> 00:10:34,546
Oh, crap! Ice-cream headache!
278
00:10:34,548 --> 00:10:38,316
I'm not supposed to eat foods
above or below room temperature!
279
00:10:38,318 --> 00:10:40,117
- Joe, you fucking idiot!
- Ohh!
280
00:10:40,119 --> 00:10:42,086
And now a message
281
00:10:42,088 --> 00:10:44,155
from the President of the United States.
282
00:10:44,157 --> 00:10:47,124
My fellow Americans,
after an exhaustive search,
283
00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:50,328
our intelligence apparatus
has tracked coronavirus
284
00:10:50,330 --> 00:10:52,497
to the foothills of Afghanistan.
285
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:55,433
Tonight I authorized
a precision airstrike
286
00:10:55,435 --> 00:10:57,502
and have been assured that coronavirus
287
00:10:57,504 --> 00:10:59,737
is gravely wounded and on the run.
288
00:10:59,739 --> 00:11:02,306
Side note... its virus wife
is back on the market.
289
00:11:02,308 --> 00:11:04,509
No one deserves to be lonely, folks.
290
00:11:08,515 --> 00:11:11,015
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and
when this is all over,
291
00:11:11,017 --> 00:11:13,817
I will tell my neighborhood
crossing guard my true feelings.
292
00:11:13,819 --> 00:11:17,521
Breaking news... tonight's
so-called "precision airstrike"
293
00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:20,424
leveled an art museum,
wastewater treatment plant,
294
00:11:20,426 --> 00:11:23,627
and factory that makes N95 masks.
295
00:11:23,629 --> 00:11:25,496
At least it's a good
conversation starter
296
00:11:25,498 --> 00:11:27,264
for me and my crossing guard.
297
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:30,201
What do we do, Barack?
That ice-cream headache
298
00:11:30,203 --> 00:11:32,336
just reminded people of basement Biden.
299
00:11:32,338 --> 00:11:33,937
Hey, whatcha got there?
300
00:11:33,939 --> 00:11:36,474
Ah, it's all the greatest moments
from your glory years.
301
00:11:36,476 --> 00:11:39,810
I'm just looking for ideas, patterns...
302
00:11:39,812 --> 00:11:41,212
something.
303
00:11:41,214 --> 00:11:42,480
Hmm.
304
00:11:42,482 --> 00:11:44,049
Joe, for our next appearance,
305
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,617
what if you tried taking a step
out of the spotlight?
306
00:11:46,619 --> 00:11:48,284
Back to the basement! Great!
307
00:11:48,286 --> 00:11:50,020
I haven't taken a whiz in days.
308
00:11:50,022 --> 00:11:51,688
Uh, you're not going
in the basement, Joe.
309
00:11:51,690 --> 00:11:53,557
You're going someplace
completely outside
310
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:54,791
- of the public eye.
- Right.
311
00:11:54,793 --> 00:11:57,160
A true legend leaves room for mystery.
312
00:11:57,162 --> 00:11:58,461
Can I still take a whiz there?
313
00:11:58,463 --> 00:12:00,697
If we put you in a storm drain, you can.
314
00:12:02,736 --> 00:12:04,069
I tried two things,
315
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:05,678
and the things didn't work. I quit.
316
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,804
Enough with these little lies.
317
00:12:07,806 --> 00:12:09,673
We gotta go with a lie so colossal
318
00:12:09,675 --> 00:12:11,542
that people couldn't
imagine we'd lie that big.
319
00:12:11,544 --> 00:12:13,877
Little strategy I learned
from a German author.
320
00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:14,980
It was Hitler.
321
00:12:14,982 --> 00:12:17,422
All I know is I spent weeks
on the Seth Rich case,
322
00:12:17,424 --> 00:12:18,982
and when it turned out to be nothing,
323
00:12:18,984 --> 00:12:20,850
I just screamed, "Case closed!"
324
00:12:20,852 --> 00:12:23,753
and banged a gavel till
they wheeled in a new desk.
325
00:12:23,755 --> 00:12:26,556
Man, I'd have to be a real
lunatic to declare victory
326
00:12:26,558 --> 00:12:28,724
and knowingly put
people's lives at risk.
327
00:12:28,726 --> 00:12:32,929
Victory! I did it! Yay, me!
328
00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:35,431
Touch your faces to completion, folks,
329
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:38,400
because this crisis is done-zo!
330
00:12:38,402 --> 00:12:42,071
But don't take it from me.
Take it from a doctor!
331
00:12:42,073 --> 00:12:44,273
Coronavirus has been vanquished.
332
00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:47,610
I congratulate President Trump
on his historic triumph.
333
00:12:47,612 --> 00:12:50,379
Now, that was pained! Yummy!
334
00:12:50,381 --> 00:12:53,458
I'd love to take all the credit
for this victory, so I will.
335
00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:55,250
- Trump! Trump!
- Trump! Trump!
336
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,453
Yay, Daddy! I can finally have
337
00:12:57,455 --> 00:13:01,256
the Saudi Royal Family
over for a bone-saw swap!
338
00:13:05,129 --> 00:13:07,396
Right now, a few blocks up the road,
339
00:13:07,398 --> 00:13:08,930
some folks are declaring
340
00:13:08,932 --> 00:13:11,400
a premature victory over this crisis,
341
00:13:11,402 --> 00:13:13,302
but that's not what
leadership looks like.
342
00:13:13,304 --> 00:13:15,370
Joe Biden faces challenges head on.
343
00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:18,608
And he also knows the power of
leading inaudibly from behind.
344
00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:19,941
Isn't that right, Joe?
345
00:13:19,943 --> 00:13:22,611
We need a president with
his heart in the fight
346
00:13:22,613 --> 00:13:24,913
and his shoes in your piss water!
347
00:13:24,915 --> 00:13:26,748
Vote Joe!
348
00:13:26,750 --> 00:13:29,484
Say it, or say goodbye to next
summer's Aspen Ideas Festival.
349
00:13:29,486 --> 00:13:30,553
Vote Joe!
350
00:13:30,555 --> 00:13:33,389
Or I'll staple your ass
to your knee caps!
351
00:13:34,758 --> 00:13:37,592
Wow! That was great, huh?
352
00:13:37,594 --> 00:13:39,327
I got so many thumbs up from guys
353
00:13:39,329 --> 00:13:42,382
with a dozen strands of hair
that they grow 18 inches long
354
00:13:42,384 --> 00:13:44,666
and dye the color of
a freshly tarred highway!
355
00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:46,267
Yeah, yeah. It was something.
356
00:13:46,269 --> 00:13:48,269
So, good news and bad news.
357
00:13:48,271 --> 00:13:50,807
The good news... the parade
was a massive success,
358
00:13:50,809 --> 00:13:52,498
and your poll numbers spiked higher
359
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:53,975
than during your impeachment!
360
00:13:53,977 --> 00:13:57,079
Better times. Remind me to
send Pelosi a Starbucks card.
361
00:13:57,081 --> 00:13:58,082
What's the bad news?
362
00:13:58,084 --> 00:14:00,609
The parade caused a massive
coronavirus outbreak,
363
00:14:00,611 --> 00:14:02,082
and now your poll numbers
are in the toilet.
364
00:14:02,084 --> 00:14:04,317
And not just any toilet. My toilet.
365
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,854
Wait a minute. That was actual bad news!
366
00:14:06,856 --> 00:14:09,356
I thought you meant "bad"
like "bad dude with attitude".
367
00:14:09,358 --> 00:14:11,859
Hey! Don't forget to send
Pelosi that Starbucks card!
368
00:14:11,861 --> 00:14:14,427
Remind him later, bozo! He just said it.
369
00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:17,698
Okay. There are nicer
ways to phrase that.
370
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:21,334
The camera loves you centrists!
371
00:14:21,336 --> 00:14:24,884
Now smile like you just heard
a Kennedy wants to primary AOC.
372
00:14:24,886 --> 00:14:25,939
This is fun!
373
00:14:25,941 --> 00:14:28,809
And the best part is I
cannot foresee a downside.
374
00:14:28,811 --> 00:14:30,377
You earned it, buddy.
375
00:14:30,379 --> 00:14:32,212
You sure did, Silver Alert.
376
00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:35,315
Once again the best man won!
377
00:14:35,317 --> 00:14:37,521
H-Hey, I'm getting Deputy Chief of Staff
378
00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:40,487
of Veterans Affairs, right?
379
00:14:40,489 --> 00:14:41,954
Uh, chilly out here.
380
00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:43,623
Let's go inside and take
some more photographs.
381
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:46,293
Rats are gnawing on my ankle.
Just gimme a sec.
382
00:14:46,295 --> 00:14:48,328
Oh, you should hang back.
People are just starting
383
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:50,230
to believe the legend
of Joe Biden again.
384
00:14:50,232 --> 00:14:52,031
The real Joe Biden
would only confuse them.
385
00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:54,435
Sure, yeah. I'll just be in the drain.
386
00:14:54,437 --> 00:14:57,537
Let me know if you need a few
decades' worth of lost Frisbees.
387
00:14:59,841 --> 00:15:02,742
I know many of you are concerned
388
00:15:02,744 --> 00:15:05,978
about the massive coronavirus
outbreak at my parade.
389
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,676
There must have been
80,000 people there!
390
00:15:07,678 --> 00:15:09,082
That's a bad thing!
391
00:15:09,084 --> 00:15:12,085
It's time we all stopped
worrying about this pandemic.
392
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:14,987
When you think about it, isn't
death actually kind of good?
393
00:15:14,989 --> 00:15:16,255
Uh, yeah, no!
394
00:15:16,257 --> 00:15:18,424
Either way, it's nothing to fear,
395
00:15:18,426 --> 00:15:21,060
because everyone who is dead is not you.
396
00:15:21,062 --> 00:15:24,663
Yeah, but everyone dies
eventually, yourself included.
397
00:15:27,368 --> 00:15:30,203
Uh, what's happening right now?
398
00:15:30,205 --> 00:15:32,271
Oh, my God! Is this the first time
399
00:15:32,273 --> 00:15:35,174
you've thought about your own mortality?
400
00:15:35,176 --> 00:15:38,277
Jesus. Uhh... I didn't mean it, buddy.
401
00:15:38,279 --> 00:15:40,213
- You're not gonna die.
- Oh!
402
00:15:40,215 --> 00:15:44,150
And many people are calling it
the biggest parade of all time!
403
00:15:45,253 --> 00:15:47,053
Holy shit, dude.
404
00:15:47,055 --> 00:15:48,954
Dang you, rat!
405
00:15:48,956 --> 00:15:50,789
Isn't there another
presidential candidate
406
00:15:50,791 --> 00:15:52,958
living in the storm drain
you can gnaw on?
407
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,293
Hope you're happy, Joe.
You're trending on Twitter,
408
00:15:55,295 --> 00:15:57,195
and I just cracked a filling.
409
00:15:57,197 --> 00:15:58,596
"Spiderweb Legend"?
410
00:15:58,598 --> 00:16:00,732
So why don't I feel like a legend?
411
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:03,701
Because you're two seconds
from getting bubonic plague.
412
00:16:03,703 --> 00:16:05,103
Being in the storm drain
413
00:16:05,105 --> 00:16:07,372
is no better than being in the basement.
414
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:10,242
When I told you to get out there,
I meant above ground!
415
00:16:10,244 --> 00:16:11,777
The Democrats won't let me.
416
00:16:11,779 --> 00:16:13,611
They don't want me
stepping in shit out there,
417
00:16:13,613 --> 00:16:15,947
so they have me standing
in shit down here.
418
00:16:15,949 --> 00:16:19,151
Aren't those the same Einsteins
that lost to Donald Trump?
419
00:16:19,153 --> 00:16:21,750
- Not twice!
- I've spent the last 40 years
420
00:16:21,752 --> 00:16:23,655
smiling through your missteps, Joe.
421
00:16:23,657 --> 00:16:25,957
If you don't win, it
was all for nothing.
422
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:28,893
And when Dick Durbin's
wife asks how my husband
423
00:16:28,895 --> 00:16:31,162
lost to the worst president in history,
424
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,997
I might just frickin' lose it!
425
00:16:32,999 --> 00:16:34,732
I'm on the edge, Joe!
426
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:36,601
Shit! There goes another molar.
427
00:16:36,603 --> 00:16:39,837
Alright. I'm gonna go
squeeze in another 35 miles.
428
00:16:42,909 --> 00:16:45,410
Shut your ass, Ivanka! God!
429
00:16:45,412 --> 00:16:48,706
Did you see your name in
alphabet soup and faint?!
430
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,946
- What happened?
- I've been struck down
431
00:16:50,948 --> 00:16:54,485
in my prime by the dreaded coronavirus.
432
00:16:54,487 --> 00:16:57,455
Uh, you were outside, and
now your skin feels stingy?
433
00:16:57,457 --> 00:16:59,038
It's friggin' sunburn!
434
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,359
Goodbye, beloved IG Live followers.
435
00:17:02,361 --> 00:17:05,028
I'll always cherish
the time Kylie Jenner
436
00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:08,198
accidentally tuned in
for like one second.
437
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,033
This is all my fault.
438
00:17:10,035 --> 00:17:12,636
Donald Trump is but a mortal man,
439
00:17:12,638 --> 00:17:15,839
defenseless against
this all-powerful virus!
440
00:17:15,841 --> 00:17:17,006
It's sunburn!
441
00:17:17,008 --> 00:17:18,975
I believed in you, Daddy.
442
00:17:18,977 --> 00:17:22,779
But now I believe in modern medicine.
443
00:17:22,781 --> 00:17:24,848
Okay, I just felt a cold gust of air
444
00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:27,118
that made me feel 100% better.
445
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,119
But who knows how long that will last!
446
00:17:36,127 --> 00:17:38,228
Holy crap! I'm president!
447
00:17:38,230 --> 00:17:40,195
I have unlimited power!
448
00:17:40,197 --> 00:17:42,797
It's your commander-in-chief.
End bussing now!
449
00:17:42,799 --> 00:17:45,334
Hey! What are you doing in my seat?
450
00:17:45,336 --> 00:17:47,335
You didn't win the election. I won it.
451
00:17:47,337 --> 00:17:49,371
What are you talking
about? I'm Joe Biden.
452
00:17:49,373 --> 00:17:51,373
But I'm the Legend of Joe Biden,
453
00:17:51,375 --> 00:17:53,641
the guy the people actually voted for.
454
00:17:53,643 --> 00:17:56,544
You're just a glitchy
guy in a storm drain.
455
00:17:56,546 --> 00:17:59,714
Hey, check out my new
line of frozen food!
456
00:17:59,716 --> 00:18:02,586
Ooh! Those should be my flapjacks!
457
00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:08,357
MY FL-A-A-APJ-A-A-ACKS!
458
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,225
Well, the screeching mob
459
00:18:10,227 --> 00:18:12,361
should be smashing
through the windows soon.
460
00:18:12,363 --> 00:18:15,496
I just pray they kill Don
first so I get to see it.
461
00:18:15,498 --> 00:18:18,099
That's it! I'm tipping
your ass on your ass.
462
00:18:18,101 --> 00:18:21,435
Don, why are you doing that?
463
00:18:21,437 --> 00:18:24,331
Because this is just like
in every Batman
464
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,707
when Batman quits being Batman!
465
00:18:26,709 --> 00:18:29,277
It lasts 20 minutes, and I
scream at the projectionist
466
00:18:29,279 --> 00:18:31,379
till it's done 'cause it sucks!
467
00:18:31,381 --> 00:18:34,515
- I'm not Batman, Don.
- Yes, the Frick you are!
468
00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:37,351
And the citizens of
Gotham-America need you,
469
00:18:37,353 --> 00:18:39,479
'cause if they don't believe
you're handling shit,
470
00:18:39,481 --> 00:18:40,955
reality sucks.
471
00:18:40,957 --> 00:18:43,692
They need a hero who gives them hope.
472
00:18:43,694 --> 00:18:45,493
- Yeah!
- Oh, Eric, how's
473
00:18:45,495 --> 00:18:48,128
the ankle sprain from jumping
into the conversation?!
474
00:18:48,130 --> 00:18:49,797
You know I don't have ankles!
475
00:18:49,799 --> 00:18:52,132
But the truth just hurts
my reelection chances,
476
00:18:52,134 --> 00:18:54,601
and my lies just make coronavirus worse.
477
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:56,470
It's kick-ass showdown time!
478
00:18:56,472 --> 00:18:57,771
In front of the country,
479
00:18:57,773 --> 00:19:00,441
you have to actually defeat coronavirus
480
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:03,777
or, barring that, a guy
in a coronavirus costume.
481
00:19:03,779 --> 00:19:05,746
Which is easier... curing coronavirus
482
00:19:05,748 --> 00:19:07,614
or buying a coronavirus costume?
483
00:19:07,616 --> 00:19:10,784
We're about to find out.
484
00:19:10,786 --> 00:19:13,186
Okay, but can we talk
hair-and-makeup budget?
485
00:19:13,188 --> 00:19:15,088
Let's gooooooo!
486
00:19:22,664 --> 00:19:26,398
♪ Barack says I'm on top now ♪
487
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,001
♪ But I feel so low ♪
488
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,269
♪ What happened to... ♪
489
00:19:30,271 --> 00:19:31,271
Ow!
490
00:19:31,273 --> 00:19:33,506
♪ ... the glory days of Joe? ♪
491
00:19:33,508 --> 00:19:36,476
C'mon, mouse! Stop
bitin' me and sing along!
492
00:19:36,478 --> 00:19:39,912
♪ Ha-daaaiii, daii daii daii ♪
493
00:19:39,914 --> 00:19:41,080
♪ Daii daii ♪
494
00:19:41,082 --> 00:19:42,815
Ow! Hockey puck?!
495
00:19:42,817 --> 00:19:45,451
How are you playing those
two sports so close together?
496
00:19:45,453 --> 00:19:47,854
Hello, longtime associate.
497
00:19:47,856 --> 00:19:49,455
I brought you some dry socks.
498
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:51,691
Thanks. The rats stole my other pair,
499
00:19:51,693 --> 00:19:53,659
and now they use them
like sleeping bags.
500
00:19:53,661 --> 00:19:55,461
Well, it's actually pretty cute.
501
00:19:55,463 --> 00:19:58,464
Joe, I was watching Trump's
shortsighted victory parade,
502
00:19:58,466 --> 00:20:01,332
and I realized the Democratic
Party is doing that with you.
503
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,535
We're declaring victory
without putting in the work.
504
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:06,437
The absence of Joe Biden
is not gonna defeat Trump.
505
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,973
The presence of Joe Biden is.
506
00:20:07,975 --> 00:20:09,508
But I'll just mess it up!
507
00:20:09,510 --> 00:20:11,609
I'll probably say,
"Unless you vote Democrat,
508
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,679
you're not Filipino".
509
00:20:12,681 --> 00:20:15,680
Trump's responsible for
hundreds of thousands of deaths.
510
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,882
You got room for error.
511
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:18,903
I also voted for the Iraq war.
512
00:20:18,905 --> 00:20:20,184
Maybe you should stay in the drain.
513
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,053
No, no, I-I'm inspired!
514
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,955
Then let's find you a shower.
515
00:20:23,957 --> 00:20:25,891
You know what? I'm gonna stay stinky.
516
00:20:25,893 --> 00:20:28,393
It makes me seem
authentic. Folksy, even.
517
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:31,129
See? You had it in you all along.
518
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:38,236
_
519
00:20:41,604 --> 00:20:43,641
All I'm saying is Jerry Falwell Jr.
520
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,709
is a cool guy who likes to have fun.
521
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,181
Testing. Testing.
522
00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:52,250
Sounds kinda tinny.
523
00:21:20,412 --> 00:21:22,745
We go now live to the
Washington Monument,
524
00:21:22,747 --> 00:21:24,448
where the President has produced
525
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:26,596
an elaborate stage play of some kind.
526
00:21:26,598 --> 00:21:27,951
I'm anchoring the big show,
527
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:30,187
but you ain't getting none
of this, crossing guard.
528
00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:33,056
Who am I kidding? I want
to be with you forever, girl.
529
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:35,258
Ladies...
530
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,894
and, more importantly, gentlemen!
531
00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:40,229
You are about to witness
532
00:21:40,231 --> 00:21:43,432
the most jaw-dropping, nail-biting,
533
00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:47,070
balls-out battle royale of all time!
534
00:21:47,072 --> 00:21:50,940
President Trump vs. Coronavirus!
535
00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:52,441
Ivanka, look!
536
00:21:52,443 --> 00:21:53,910
Dad's avenging you!
537
00:21:53,912 --> 00:21:55,979
It's! Friggin'! Sunburn!
538
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,818
This is it, Joe. But you're
gonna say something backwards.
539
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,487
But you gotta go out there
and make Jill proud!
540
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,989
You can do this, Joe.
541
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,091
Get out of the friggin' storm drain!
542
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:10,125
Now entering the arena,
543
00:22:10,127 --> 00:22:12,287
- President Tr-u-u-u...
- Rudy!
544
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,943
- I'm the announcer!
- What?
545
00:22:13,945 --> 00:22:15,731
I thought I could put
a little mustard on it.
546
00:22:15,733 --> 00:22:17,332
What is with you this week?
547
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:20,568
Please welcome President Trump!
548
00:22:26,443 --> 00:22:30,178
It is I, Beast-man Trump,
"The White Blade",
549
00:22:30,180 --> 00:22:33,949
here to exact righteous
revenge upon Coronavirus,
550
00:22:33,951 --> 00:22:36,451
"The Low Class Lightweight".
551
00:22:37,988 --> 00:22:41,089
Time to end this once and for all!
552
00:22:41,091 --> 00:22:43,524
Show yourself, Coronavirus!
553
00:22:43,526 --> 00:22:45,425
Help. Someone. Please.
554
00:22:45,427 --> 00:22:46,961
- Yadda yadda.
- But wait.
555
00:22:46,963 --> 00:22:49,137
That sounds like... Oh, no!
556
00:22:49,139 --> 00:22:53,195
Coronavirus has captured
my one true third wife!
557
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:54,659
Is that the President
of the United States
558
00:22:54,661 --> 00:22:55,728
in a Viking costume?
559
00:22:55,730 --> 00:22:57,992
Hurry up so I can
start circling the stuff
560
00:22:57,994 --> 00:23:00,675
you're going to buy me in the
Oscar De la Renta collection.
561
00:23:00,677 --> 00:23:01,942
Oh, no!
562
00:23:01,944 --> 00:23:03,778
Coronavirus kidnapped that lady
563
00:23:03,780 --> 00:23:06,313
who reads smutty books
in the dumbwaiter!
564
00:23:06,315 --> 00:23:07,882
Oh, no!
565
00:23:07,884 --> 00:23:09,850
It's the dreaded Coronavirus!
566
00:23:09,852 --> 00:23:12,820
- Any last words, Melania?
- I'm good.
567
00:23:12,822 --> 00:23:15,690
Die, you bast... Wait.
Who the hell is that?
568
00:23:15,692 --> 00:23:19,325
Ugh. It's Joe Biden. And he
smells absolutely terrible.
569
00:23:19,327 --> 00:23:21,161
Do it, Joe! Beat his ass
570
00:23:21,163 --> 00:23:24,463
and justify our lifetime
of political maneuvering!
571
00:23:24,465 --> 00:23:26,666
Stop this malarkey!
572
00:23:26,668 --> 00:23:29,169
The Democrats want me
to camp in a storm drain
573
00:23:29,171 --> 00:23:31,171
'cause they think the
Legend of Joe Biden
574
00:23:31,173 --> 00:23:33,840
is the guy with the nicest
leather jacket at the dance.
575
00:23:33,842 --> 00:23:35,208
But guess what, Jack.
576
00:23:35,210 --> 00:23:37,577
The legendary Joe Biden never existed.
577
00:23:37,579 --> 00:23:40,080
For 50 years, I've been
blowing in people's ears
578
00:23:40,082 --> 00:23:42,582
and entertaining dinner
parties with ethnic accents.
579
00:23:42,584 --> 00:23:44,818
But that's why everyday folks like me,
580
00:23:44,820 --> 00:23:47,780
even though I was locking a
whole mess of 'em up in prison,
581
00:23:47,782 --> 00:23:49,322
voting to send 'em to Iraq...
582
00:23:49,324 --> 00:23:51,024
Joe! Leave some mystery, okay?
583
00:23:51,026 --> 00:23:53,693
Right! And that's how I'm
gonna beat Trump, folks...
584
00:23:53,695 --> 00:23:57,763
by being the incoherent everyman
who kills a lot less people.
585
00:23:57,765 --> 00:23:59,365
Not including Iraqis.
586
00:23:59,367 --> 00:24:01,934
Three times a charm, Joey baby!
587
00:24:01,936 --> 00:24:03,869
Take that, Loretta Durbin!
588
00:24:03,871 --> 00:24:06,272
Look, Joe, we had a whole
production worked out,
589
00:24:06,274 --> 00:24:09,007
so either I'm coming at you with
this flaming sword, or Pence.
590
00:24:09,009 --> 00:24:10,075
Your call.
591
00:24:10,077 --> 00:24:12,845
Have at him! That's what VPs are for!
592
00:24:14,949 --> 00:24:17,750
Gaaah!
593
00:24:19,254 --> 00:24:21,920
Oh, no. Is this how I meet my maker...
594
00:24:21,922 --> 00:24:25,023
a bioweapons scientist in Wuhan?
595
00:24:25,025 --> 00:24:27,259
No. It's not!
596
00:24:28,329 --> 00:24:30,295
If I vanquish Coronavirus,
597
00:24:30,297 --> 00:24:32,964
as I've proven tonight
that I easily could,
598
00:24:32,966 --> 00:24:34,966
then this exciting battle will be over.
599
00:24:34,968 --> 00:24:36,534
And nobody wants that,
600
00:24:36,536 --> 00:24:38,603
besides nurses, first responders,
601
00:24:38,605 --> 00:24:41,105
and other non-celebrities
no one cares about.
602
00:24:41,107 --> 00:24:43,408
No one's looking, Debbie.
Treat yourself to an eye-roll.
603
00:24:43,410 --> 00:24:46,911
Ahhhhhh. That feels so good.
604
00:24:46,913 --> 00:24:48,580
Reality is terrifying.
605
00:24:48,582 --> 00:24:50,930
Have you ever thought about
your own mortality?
606
00:24:50,932 --> 00:24:51,933
Not great.
607
00:24:51,935 --> 00:24:54,386
So let's choose to
believe something cooler,
608
00:24:54,388 --> 00:24:57,322
that I'm the dashing hero
with the diamond-cutter abs
609
00:24:57,324 --> 00:25:00,624
and Coronavirus is my
eternal, perpetual nemesis
610
00:25:00,626 --> 00:25:04,495
who I'll never stop fighting in
a string of diminishing sequels.
611
00:25:04,497 --> 00:25:06,730
Sounds fun, right? We like it?
612
00:25:06,732 --> 00:25:09,433
- Yes!
- Yeah! Hooray, warrior Daddy!
613
00:25:09,435 --> 00:25:11,101
Ivanka! You're all better!
614
00:25:11,103 --> 00:25:13,404
It's a miracle!
615
00:25:13,406 --> 00:25:15,406
Is the miracle called aloe Vera,
616
00:25:15,408 --> 00:25:19,109
an all-natural gel commonly
used to treat sunburn?!
617
00:25:19,111 --> 00:25:22,446
Just to clarify, I'm not
just letting Coronavirus go
618
00:25:22,448 --> 00:25:24,415
because I couldn't lift my big sword.
619
00:25:24,417 --> 00:25:27,318
The sword isn't even that
heavy. It's like nothing to me.
620
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:28,686
Bullshit.
621
00:25:28,688 --> 00:25:31,789
Look, I had something made up for you.
622
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,343
- It's my dream come true!
- _
623
00:25:34,345 --> 00:25:35,859
Uh-uh-uh. You have to wait
624
00:25:35,861 --> 00:25:38,094
until after you're
president to sell them.
625
00:25:38,096 --> 00:25:39,925
It's called the Emoluments Clause.
626
00:25:39,927 --> 00:25:40,928
That stinks!
627
00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:43,264
Why did you show this
to me? Do you hate me?
628
00:25:43,266 --> 00:25:44,600
Okay. I'm putting it away.
629
00:25:44,602 --> 00:25:47,103
No, no, no, no. I'll
be good. I'll be good.
630
00:25:47,105 --> 00:25:49,772
Hey, I-I got you something, too.
631
00:25:49,774 --> 00:25:52,242
My horse-teeth guy
hooked you up real nice.
632
00:25:52,244 --> 00:25:53,944
The election's still a ways away,
633
00:25:53,946 --> 00:25:56,713
so you're gonna need to do
a lot more grinnin' and bearin'.
634
00:25:56,715 --> 00:26:01,017
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I've got it down to a science.
635
00:26:01,019 --> 00:26:04,221
Daddy, I loved your warrior show!
636
00:26:04,223 --> 00:26:07,122
You really stretched that
hair-and-makeup budget.
637
00:26:07,124 --> 00:26:09,892
Coronavirus may still
be ravaging the country,
638
00:26:09,894 --> 00:26:13,496
but my daughter respects me,
and that's all that matters.
639
00:26:13,498 --> 00:26:14,964
How's the house, honey?
640
00:26:14,966 --> 00:26:18,701
666 Thorny Cock Way?
It's got so many issues.
641
00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:22,238
Did you know houses
need cement foundations?
642
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,973
How much did this cost again?
643
00:26:23,975 --> 00:26:26,242
How should I know? The
Russians gave us the money.
644
00:26:26,244 --> 00:26:28,544
Chip off the ol' block.
That's why you're
645
00:26:28,546 --> 00:26:30,880
- my only child who matters.
- What was that?!
646
00:26:30,882 --> 00:26:33,182
I said Ivanka's my
only child who matters.
647
00:26:33,184 --> 00:26:35,551
- You're funny, Dad.
- Not joking.
648
00:27:33,609 --> 00:27:35,476
Trump!
649
00:27:46,563 --> 00:27:50,563
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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