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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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I'm Chuck Todd, and Chris Matthews
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has always been a gentleman to me.
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The results of Super Tuesday are in,
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and the Democrats have spoken.
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They said, "We'll take
the guy who was a big joke
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three days ago, please".
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Here's how Vice President
Biden and Senator Sanders
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addressed their supporters.
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Folks! We did it, folks!
That's what we've done!
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We did it! We done did it!
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This scrappy kid from
Scranton beat all the odds
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he repeatedly stacked against himself!
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Thank you! Thank you!
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Okay, so, we tried the
fair-election thing.
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Time for plan "B"...
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Let's start pounding
nails into baseball bats!
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Holy crap! I didn't even
campaign in half these states!
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Always a good sign when the
people who know you the least
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like you the best.
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Thanks to my fervent supporters
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I cross the street to avoid.
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Your enthusiasm continues to
shock and annoy the nation.
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I want to thank my fellow Democrats
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for their endorsements...
Amy Charizard, Major Pete,
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and, all the way from
Texas, Buca di Beppo!
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Together, we mopped the
floor with Mike Bloomberg!
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Ohh! I put Bloomberg in the ground,
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you ungrateful bastards!
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Liz, I thought you were dropping out.
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Now you're dropping in?
What are we doin'?
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Put me in your cabinet, Bernie!
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I'll overachieve harder than anybody!
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I took selfies with a million
sweaty strangers for this!
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I'm coronavirus patient zero, bitch!
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Anyway, my campaign team
says my best path forward
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is shut the hell up, so
I'm done talking policy!
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Here's my new platform!
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♪ Dun, dohn, deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
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All right. Let's wrap this up!
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Hey, I forgot to thank Mike
Bloomberg for sucking big-time!
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Thanks, Bloomberg, wherever you are!
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Thank you, American Samoa,
my only Super Tuesday win.
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Okay, I think we're good here.
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Hey, Bloomberg!
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The DNC sent me here till November!
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We're gonna be best friends!
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This is still better
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than me paying two
percent more in taxes.
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♪ Deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
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What letter's this? Like,
a weird "Q" or somethin'?
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You promised results, Parscale.
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But yet here we are, and
the Democratic candidates
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haven't mysteriously
vanished from the public eye
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like that Washington Post journalist!
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We can take them down by pointing out
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how some of them are women
and how their gender's
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different from a man's gender.
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That was 2016! You promised us
sexism 2.0, you son of a bitch!
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Ugh! Amateurs!
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Step aside and let a real psycho biddy
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show you how to limbo under
the legal line of slander.
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- Good lord!
- She's diabolical!
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Wait. Who are you again?
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I'm Lara Trump. Married to Eric.
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She is nuts!
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This is getting ridiculous!
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Maybe I should just drop out.
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What's wrong, honey? Is it that wistful
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personal essay you read in The
New Yorker three weeks ago?
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"Elizabeth Warren Used
Native American Ancestry
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On Tenure Application
At Comet Ping Pong"?
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What's that headline from?
The Whopper Gazette?
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Honey? Is it?
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Trump's campaign posted
it on Facebook as a rumor,
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and now it has 30,000 shares.
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Oh, sweetie, it'll be fine.
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The American people
are far too discerning
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to buy that sordid flimflam.
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The American people are
buying this sordid flimflam!
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Let's spend the next eight weeks
rolling around in this story
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like pigs in a pen full of boom boom!
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Lara Trump, what say you?!
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Sean, these accusations lead
to only one conclusion...
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Elizabeth Warren's
body is being inhabited
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by the soul of Jeffrey Epstein.
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That's the stuff!!
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I can almost hear the brittle
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elderly fingers clicking "Share".
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Five thousand Kiss-Ass Points for Lara.
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What have the rest of
you done for me lately?
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Reminder... the winning couple
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won't have to carry my
casket into the pyramid.
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Cranberry Milfoyle and I
got caught porking onstage
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at a Young Republicans conference.
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It was so hot that
they begged us to stop.
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That'll play well with evangelicals.
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Five hundred points each.
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- Ivanka?
- Absolutely nothing!
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Twelve thousand points for you, sweetie.
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And what about you, Eric?
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I pried off my permanent braces
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to see what the wind felt
like against my teeth.
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Oof. I have to dock you a hundred points
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for bringing up your janky-ass mouth.
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Eric, you gotta shape up and
become a real Trump
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- like my daughter Lara.
- _
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Thank you all for meeting with me.
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I know tensions are high right now.
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Are you kidding? Mitch
is the closest thing
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we have to a friend.
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Our relationship has
never been healthier.
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- They scratch my back...
- And we scratch his.
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Facebook has been legitimizing lies,
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and I think it's time we regulate 'em!
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- Chuck, close the blinds.
- You got it, boss.
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Facebook runs Washington, Lizzy.
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They basically sign our checks.
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I'm not even sure I still
get a federal salary.
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Plus, their algorithm perfectly
amplifies our message
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of "Trump is mean,
whereas he should be nice".
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Maybe somebody just
needs to stand up to them!
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There's a quaint saying in Washington,
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and it goes like this...
"Don't poke the butthole
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of a company with half
a trillion dollars".
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Can I get you anything
else, Mitch? Seltzer? Popchips?
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Honey, can I stay up
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to watch you be racist on Tucker?
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You should join me on the air.
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We could use the extra Kiss-Ass Points.
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Don Jr.'s public porking
has been killing us lately.
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I'd love to, but I'm more of
a behind-the-scenes mastermind.
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By the way, have you
seen the Rolex I use
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to bust open shellfish?
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Oh, Eric, my plump, white
cannellini bean of a husband.
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If you want to start climbing
the family leaderboard,
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you need to start
kissing your dad's ass...
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hard, fast, and publicly.
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This is not where I thought
Shellfish Sunday was going.
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You okay? You've barely
touched your just-for-fun W-4.
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Just thinking about
the fake news story again.
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It's fine. People have already
moved on to the new one
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00:06:01,856 --> 00:06:04,713
about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
debilitating 'roid rage.
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All these lies, they
remind me of school,
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when people would spread nasty rumors
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about me being a
bookish, breathless nerd.
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I can't stand to see you like this,
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only bouncing through one
pair of tennis shoes per day.
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Just tell Zuckerberg,
politely but firmly,
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to knock off the monkey business.
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You're right! I'm sure once I
relate to him as a human being,
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he'll ignore the lure of infinite wealth
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and bulletproof political influence!
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No one can resist your
charm once you sit down
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and painstakingly explain it to them.
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I'm Tucker Carlson, and I look
25 in an unsympathetic way.
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St. Patrick's Day is
almost here, and joining me
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to back my claim that if black people
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had a similar holiday
I'd also support it
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is the MAGA Medusa herself, Lara Trump.
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Thank you, Tuck. Of course,
we'd all celebrate holiday
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that encourages non-white
people to binge drink
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and take to the streets, yeah.
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We're joined tonight
by Sir Eric of Trump,
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who is a public, co-equal
member of the Trump family.
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Sir Eric, want to say anything cool?
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- My dad is like a boss.
- Wow!
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See ya later, alligator
that can't hurt me
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because it's just a figure of speech.
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Wow! Dream Eric can tie a bandana!
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Mr. Zuckerberg,
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Amnesty International's asking about
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our abetting a genocide in Myanmar.
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Okay. How about this? We will install a
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"mark yourself safe from
ethnic cleansing" button.
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And Elizabeth Warren
is here to chide you.
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Senator, you should have phoned ahead
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or just mouthed your flight details
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in front of your computer camera.
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You still haven't banned
fake news from Facebook,
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even though I've asked you
urgently and repeatedly,
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like a librarian shooing out a pervert
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touching his willy in the stacks!
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Who am I to infringe
on bad-faith grifters'
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right to grift freely?
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- But people are getting hurt.
- Ms. Warren,
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it is common knowledge that
you can't make a website
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where you see photos of your niece
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without destroying society completely.
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Sir,
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your human lunch food is here.
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Just ask him for a campaign job.
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He gives one out to
every dog-racing fanatic
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with a store-bought hairline!
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00:08:02,962 --> 00:08:05,242
I don't know! He looks pretty busy...
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"Dear Angela Merkel, it's your
husband. I want a divorce".
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Mr. President, um, Eric
has something to ask you.
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What is it, Eric? Daddy's working.
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President Mr. Dad, I
was just thinking that,
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because I've been a good boy lately,
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00:08:19,054 --> 00:08:22,693
I could maybe be TV guy
for your campaign. The end.
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00:08:22,695 --> 00:08:25,300
I dunno. You just don't
have that Trump "It Factor"
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that turns every
swing-state Thanksgiving
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into a murder-mystery party.
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Not even if Lara helps me?
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Sir, it is my solemn vow to not
let him let you down too much.
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Well, if Lara's cool, I'm cool.
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You can join my campaign as TV guy,
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and if you're really good at it,
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I might even let you take my daughter
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Lara's hand in marriage.
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Sick! I'll get to marry a lady
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who looks vaguely like every
other lady in my family!
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Goodbye, Bailey. Thanks for giving me
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a vague sheen of domestic normalcy.
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Ooh, you stop right there, Missy.
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Sure, it's tempting
to give up and condemn
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00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:02,358
Bailey to certain death, but
you have to keep fighting.
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00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,546
I just can't beat Zuckerberg.
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00:09:04,548 --> 00:09:06,269
This is the one thing I don't have a
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00:09:06,271 --> 00:09:08,414
"loose set of ideas
that I call a plan" for.
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00:09:09,691 --> 00:09:12,569
Spitting?! What are you,
an adjunct professor?!
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00:09:12,571 --> 00:09:14,721
I'm just proverbially sick of it.
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00:09:14,723 --> 00:09:17,245
You're Elizabeth Warren!
You made the big banks
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00:09:17,247 --> 00:09:19,233
take responsibility
for the last recession
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00:09:19,235 --> 00:09:20,903
right before they started on a new one.
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00:09:20,905 --> 00:09:22,874
If anyone can scold a special interest
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into making surface reforms
without solving the root issue,
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it's you.
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Bruce! My sweet, smokin'
angel, you're right!
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I'm gonna take down Facebook
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even if it's the last half-measure I do!
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00:09:42,635 --> 00:09:45,272
Tonight we're discussing
the problems with globalism,
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00:09:45,274 --> 00:09:47,508
and when I say "globalism",
I mean something else.
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I'm joined by Lara and Eric Trump.
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00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,960
- Hi, Tucker.
- Thanks for having us
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00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:55,784
and assuring me that the lav
mic isn't a daddy long legs.
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00:09:55,786 --> 00:09:59,125
So, how is the President ending
the scourge of the worldwide...
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Soros-funded cabal?
241
00:10:01,139 --> 00:10:04,449
- The President has repeatedly...
- I'll take this one.
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00:10:04,451 --> 00:10:08,564
Oh, no. I don't know what
to say. Come on, Eric.
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00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,847
Just get one word out,
244
00:10:09,849 --> 00:10:12,195
and the rest of the dog
whistles will follow.
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00:10:12,197 --> 00:10:14,065
Oh, no! I'm freaking out!
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00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:16,931
Lara, the global elite
are opening borders...
247
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,557
... tearing down institutions...
248
00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:20,181
and refusing to work on Saturdays.
249
00:10:20,183 --> 00:10:22,814
We're working hard to put America first.
250
00:10:22,816 --> 00:10:24,744
Lara! My lav mic moved!
251
00:10:24,746 --> 00:10:27,786
Somebody punch me as hard
as you can in the chest!
252
00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:33,571
I know exactly what we
need to take down Zuckerberg
253
00:10:33,573 --> 00:10:36,167
- and his little dolly bangs!
- Way ahead of you.
254
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,116
I can hand out protest
flyers at Paper Source.
255
00:10:38,118 --> 00:10:40,227
- No, no, look!
- Hello, Facebook.
256
00:10:40,229 --> 00:10:42,133
I'm grilling some meats,
257
00:10:42,135 --> 00:10:44,236
having a great, normal time.
258
00:10:44,238 --> 00:10:46,815
Wow. Seems like he's
having a great normal time.
259
00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:48,794
Look at this.
260
00:10:48,796 --> 00:10:51,579
Brucie, those two
freaks know each other!
261
00:10:51,581 --> 00:10:53,776
Maybe the one brown-nosing android
262
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,725
will know how to take down the
other brown-nosing android.
263
00:10:56,727 --> 00:10:59,366
You're not suggesting we talk
to Pete Buttigieg, are you?
264
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,751
Why, he fought in Afghanistan
just so diner managers
265
00:11:01,753 --> 00:11:03,342
would say, "No, sir, it's on me".
266
00:11:03,344 --> 00:11:06,296
If you can find me someone else
as self-satisfied, unblinking,
267
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,416
and newly unemployed, I'm all ears.
268
00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:12,835
I got 'em all warmed up for ya.
269
00:11:12,837 --> 00:11:15,822
Stick to the red meat...
immigration, guns,
270
00:11:15,824 --> 00:11:18,554
and how Anna Wintour's
Christmas party this year
271
00:11:18,556 --> 00:11:21,266
was super ill-attended.
272
00:11:21,268 --> 00:11:25,669
How about this illegal immigration, huh?
273
00:11:25,671 --> 00:11:28,252
A lot of illegal immigrants
work for my dad.
274
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:31,157
Like my nanny Julia,
275
00:11:31,159 --> 00:11:32,825
who taught me how to shave
276
00:11:32,827 --> 00:11:34,738
and that my father sprinting away
277
00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:36,469
was a form of affection.
278
00:11:36,471 --> 00:11:37,478
Thank you, Eric.
279
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,599
PC culture...
280
00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:41,000
... is making
281
00:11:41,002 --> 00:11:43,522
transgender refugees...
282
00:11:43,524 --> 00:11:46,124
... steal the jobs...
283
00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:49,406
... that are being sent to China.
284
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:52,008
Mmm-mmm! Love that rage!
285
00:11:53,909 --> 00:11:56,132
Mayor Pete, what's with the iguanas?
286
00:11:56,134 --> 00:11:57,889
My only flaw of this election cycle
287
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,678
was not owning a high-profile pet.
288
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,674
Meet Christophe, my
ticket to victory in 2024.
289
00:12:02,676 --> 00:12:05,396
You and Mark Zuckerberg were
sociopaths together at Harvard.
290
00:12:05,398 --> 00:12:07,427
I need you to tell me how to beat him.
291
00:12:07,429 --> 00:12:10,714
I can help, but I must
ask for a quid pro quo.
292
00:12:10,716 --> 00:12:12,183
Tell me about your deepest trauma.
293
00:12:12,185 --> 00:12:13,784
Why are you asking that?
294
00:12:13,786 --> 00:12:15,906
Pet ownership only
makes you so relatable.
295
00:12:15,908 --> 00:12:18,656
I need to know how normal humans think.
296
00:12:18,658 --> 00:12:21,723
In high school, I was teased.
297
00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:23,469
The other kids on the debate team
298
00:12:23,471 --> 00:12:26,839
built an airtight case
on ways in which I sucked,
299
00:12:26,841 --> 00:12:29,636
and they called me "Lizzy the Loser".
300
00:12:29,638 --> 00:12:31,237
Lizzy the Loser!
301
00:12:31,239 --> 00:12:34,148
Lizzy the Loser! Lizzy the Loser!
302
00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:35,772
And that made you feel good? Sad?
303
00:12:35,774 --> 00:12:37,453
Again, I need help
with this sort of stuff.
304
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:38,843
- Sad.
- Very well.
305
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:41,957
Before Facebook, did you know
Zuckerberg made a website
306
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:44,142
to rate people on their
physical appearance?
307
00:12:44,144 --> 00:12:45,931
You only create a website like that
308
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,929
if you're insecure about
your own appearance.
309
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:52,229
Hey, can I steal that
debate-team anecdote
310
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:54,481
for the talk-show circuit?
311
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,626
This freaking sucks!
312
00:12:56,628 --> 00:13:00,155
First, Tucker Carlson punched
me so hard, I yakked on air,
313
00:13:00,157 --> 00:13:02,793
then I accidentally said
immigrants are people.
314
00:13:02,795 --> 00:13:04,265
How do you do it?
315
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,444
We're just different.
316
00:13:05,446 --> 00:13:07,996
I'm a sexy, stone-cold libslayer,
317
00:13:07,998 --> 00:13:10,705
and the FCC classified
your face as an orifice.
318
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,988
How do I become more like you?
319
00:13:12,990 --> 00:13:15,830
Marry me? Hmm!
320
00:13:15,832 --> 00:13:18,004
I just think you have
to be your own thing.
321
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,376
Let me get a look at you.
322
00:13:19,378 --> 00:13:23,583
Hmm. Tissue-box shaped feet,
butterknife ears, avian skull,
323
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:26,382
baby teeth and adult teeth all
fighting it out for dominance.
324
00:13:26,384 --> 00:13:29,318
Eric, you should be our campaign mascot!
325
00:13:31,403 --> 00:13:34,132
And that concludes
our look into an empty room.
326
00:13:34,134 --> 00:13:36,755
We go now live to
Senator Elizabeth Warren's
327
00:13:36,757 --> 00:13:39,167
Special Committee on
Facebook Disinformation.
328
00:13:39,169 --> 00:13:42,031
Just relax and remember
every subsection and bylaw
329
00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:43,343
of the Facebook user agreement.
330
00:13:43,345 --> 00:13:45,841
If you're in a jam, I wrote
you this saucy little barb.
331
00:13:45,843 --> 00:13:47,333
How do you pronounce "Bête comm..."
332
00:13:47,335 --> 00:13:49,683
"Bête comme ses pieds".
"As stupid as the feet".
333
00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:52,002
It's hard to translate, but
the right people will love it!
334
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,411
Remember, Mark... if you're not human,
335
00:13:55,413 --> 00:13:56,900
you can't get in trouble.
336
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,313
Thank you to my colleagues
who appeared here today
337
00:13:59,315 --> 00:14:01,636
despite Facebook's
influence in Washington.
338
00:14:01,638 --> 00:14:03,736
Oh-oh, God!
339
00:14:03,738 --> 00:14:07,246
People are gonna think
I believe in something.
340
00:14:07,248 --> 00:14:08,594
Mr. Zuckerberg,
341
00:14:08,596 --> 00:14:10,909
does Facebook have a responsibility
342
00:14:10,911 --> 00:14:13,978
to remove political
advertisements featuring lies?
343
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:15,354
Yes, we have a responsibility
344
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:17,613
to uphold the freedom of speech.
345
00:14:17,615 --> 00:14:18,676
Thank you.
346
00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:21,015
Even if that speech contains lies?
347
00:14:21,017 --> 00:14:23,206
Facebook users are perfectly capable
348
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:24,786
of deciding truth from fiction.
349
00:14:24,788 --> 00:14:26,984
They are the most
discerning people on Earth.
350
00:14:26,986 --> 00:14:28,163
Just like this crowd.
351
00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:30,565
Ugh!
352
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:32,366
You only create a website like that
353
00:14:32,368 --> 00:14:34,728
if you're insecure about
your own appearance.
354
00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:36,795
Well, what if I took an ad out
355
00:14:36,797 --> 00:14:39,142
saying that your face sucked big-time?!
356
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:40,892
Sucky Zucky!
357
00:14:40,894 --> 00:14:42,631
And what if the ad mentioned
358
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:45,391
your little gerbil eyes
and cheesecake complexion?
359
00:14:45,393 --> 00:14:47,707
Caesar was actually murdered
360
00:14:47,709 --> 00:14:50,733
because they found out
he inspired your haircut.
361
00:14:50,735 --> 00:14:54,153
What's it like knowing that not
even billions of dollars
362
00:14:54,155 --> 00:14:56,503
can give you human eyebrows?!
363
00:14:56,505 --> 00:14:58,105
Saggy-assed freak
364
00:14:58,107 --> 00:15:01,748
probably stuffed his boxers
with Capri Sun Juice pouches
365
00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:05,565
just to give his pants a
tiny hint of kablow, biatch!
366
00:15:12,117 --> 00:15:13,865
After Warren's takedown,
367
00:15:13,867 --> 00:15:16,352
Facebook stock is
plummeting as users realize
368
00:15:16,354 --> 00:15:18,671
Zuckerberg is a nerd
freak with a droopy ass.
369
00:15:18,673 --> 00:15:21,678
Analysts say that his tenure
as CEO is in jeopardy.
370
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,142
We did it, Brucie!
371
00:15:23,144 --> 00:15:26,187
I'm DC's smackdown school marm.
372
00:15:26,189 --> 00:15:28,278
I don't know, Liz. Ad hominem attacks?
373
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,384
What's next... argumentum ad absurdum?
374
00:15:30,386 --> 00:15:32,571
Besides, I think his eyebrows
look perfectly normal.
375
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:35,061
Relax, Bruce. We're winning.
376
00:15:35,063 --> 00:15:37,546
Now slide that round little rump over
377
00:15:37,548 --> 00:15:40,736
to my side of the Ethan Allen sectional.
378
00:15:42,219 --> 00:15:43,811
Let's give a warm welcome
379
00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:47,050
to your new Trump 2020 mascot...
380
00:15:47,052 --> 00:15:48,502
Gummy!
381
00:15:48,504 --> 00:15:50,944
Abolish the estate tax!
382
00:15:50,946 --> 00:15:53,305
Hillary belongs in prison!
383
00:15:53,307 --> 00:15:55,747
Make America Gummy Again!
384
00:15:55,749 --> 00:15:58,054
Zooba zooba!
385
00:15:58,056 --> 00:16:01,465
You see that thing? That's
my daughter's boyfriend.
386
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:03,196
Zooba zooba!
387
00:16:03,198 --> 00:16:05,060
Zooba zooba, Dad.
388
00:16:05,062 --> 00:16:07,037
Now keep this energy going
389
00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:09,237
for my wife who kind of scares me.
390
00:16:09,239 --> 00:16:11,038
Lara Trump!
391
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,560
Americans now more than ever...
392
00:16:13,562 --> 00:16:14,721
Bring Gummy back out!
393
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:16,643
- Bring back Gummy!
- Bring back Gummy!
394
00:16:16,645 --> 00:16:19,645
Uh... o-okay. Uh... Gummy!
395
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:23,476
We owe the Kurds nothing! Zooba zooba!
396
00:16:23,478 --> 00:16:26,770
Gummy! Gummy! Gummy!
397
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,659
_
398
00:16:40,022 --> 00:16:42,582
I'm Jake Tapper, and every Sunday night,
399
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,116
my family and I pretend
it's my birthday.
400
00:16:45,118 --> 00:16:48,201
We're joined tonight by
the Beltway Bruiser herself,
401
00:16:48,203 --> 00:16:50,771
- Elizabeth Warren.
- What's up, freakazoid?
402
00:16:50,773 --> 00:16:54,110
Senator, your brutish tactics
on the subcommittee circuit
403
00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:56,215
are getting their fair
share of attention.
404
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,762
Listen up, dingle-dangle, you're
cuter with your mouth closed.
405
00:16:58,764 --> 00:17:01,484
- Heh. And that's a fact, Jack.
- It's actually "Jake".
406
00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:03,615
The target of your
most merciless ribbing,
407
00:17:03,617 --> 00:17:05,615
Mark Zuckerberg, just posted this video.
408
00:17:05,617 --> 00:17:09,261
Hey, Facebook, it's
your boy Sucky Zucky.
409
00:17:09,263 --> 00:17:13,788
Someone stole my meats and
took a huge crap in my smoker.
410
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:16,126
Thank you for watching.
Comment and like.
411
00:17:16,128 --> 00:17:19,315
- Chilling stuff. Any regrets?
- None whatsoever.
412
00:17:19,317 --> 00:17:22,185
In fact, the crap in
his smoker was mine.
413
00:17:22,187 --> 00:17:24,908
Gotta split and make Jamie
Dimon mow my lawn with his teeth.
414
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,502
Someone's got a big head.
415
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,113
After the break, I'll rank
every American citizen
416
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,134
from most to least patriotic.
417
00:17:31,136 --> 00:17:33,659
Spoiler alert... I'm up there.
418
00:17:37,664 --> 00:17:40,356
Eric, why are you up so early?
419
00:17:40,358 --> 00:17:42,983
Aww, did you mix up AM
and PM again, sweetie?
420
00:17:42,985 --> 00:17:45,407
We talked about this, babe.
421
00:17:45,409 --> 00:17:48,710
I'm opening for Imagine Dragons!
422
00:17:48,712 --> 00:17:50,822
What did you do?!
423
00:17:50,824 --> 00:17:53,745
I ate all of Brad
Parscale's hair medicine
424
00:17:53,747 --> 00:17:55,912
and slept in a vat of food coloring.
425
00:17:55,914 --> 00:17:57,287
Don't you love it?
426
00:17:57,289 --> 00:17:58,538
Limo's here!
427
00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:01,369
Hey, are Penn and Teller a big deal?
428
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:03,155
After the show, they want to grab dinner
429
00:18:03,157 --> 00:18:05,751
at some hole in the
wall called Ruth's Chris.
430
00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,586
Yeah. They're a huge deal.
431
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,281
But I thought we were gonna grab dinner.
432
00:18:10,283 --> 00:18:11,997
Gotta go.
433
00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:15,655
Oh, by the way, I used your
grandmother's antique handtowels
434
00:18:15,657 --> 00:18:17,295
to sop up the extra dye.
435
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:20,253
Might want to wash those
a few dozen times. Mmmkay?
436
00:18:22,754 --> 00:18:24,336
Long day at work.
437
00:18:24,338 --> 00:18:26,956
I dunked on Pompeo for
looking like a hard-boiled egg,
438
00:18:26,958 --> 00:18:29,975
then he texted me a paragraph
cosigned by his therapist.
439
00:18:29,977 --> 00:18:31,181
Hey, hey, hey, Bruce!
440
00:18:31,183 --> 00:18:34,180
I told you to wear your onion
goggles when chopping onions!
441
00:18:34,182 --> 00:18:35,814
You know I always wear the goggles.
442
00:18:35,816 --> 00:18:37,647
It's you. You've become a bully.
443
00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:40,748
- I'm not a bully. Phooey!
- And now you're swearing?
444
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:43,479
- Who art thou?
- You've gotten too soft.
445
00:18:43,481 --> 00:18:46,327
I've seen your grade
curves. They're generous.
446
00:18:46,329 --> 00:18:48,730
Now you're saying
things you can't take back.
447
00:18:48,732 --> 00:18:51,928
Look. It's still me, Brucie.
Now come over here.
448
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:55,498
Senator Warren is introducing
a smooch to the floor.
449
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,180
Oh, zip it,
450
00:18:57,182 --> 00:18:59,602
you campaign prop! Oh, dear.
451
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:01,684
If you need me, you know
my posted office hours.
452
00:19:06,049 --> 00:19:09,196
Uhh. I thought you'd be asleep by now.
453
00:19:09,198 --> 00:19:11,580
I tried to bring leftovers
from Ruth's Chris,
454
00:19:11,582 --> 00:19:13,665
but Teller made them disappear.
455
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:14,934
I already ate.
456
00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:17,132
You know what, Eric? You've changed.
457
00:19:17,134 --> 00:19:21,056
What?! Where is this coming from?
458
00:19:21,058 --> 00:19:23,360
I wanted you to have
approval from your father,
459
00:19:23,362 --> 00:19:24,609
but this is too much.
460
00:19:24,611 --> 00:19:26,530
Just go back to being the hairless dunce
461
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:28,237
I somehow willingly married.
462
00:19:28,239 --> 00:19:31,497
Underneath the fur and steak
sauce, I'm still the same.
463
00:19:31,499 --> 00:19:34,124
Come on. Let's go... What
did we used to do together?
464
00:19:34,126 --> 00:19:35,523
Play baseball or... ?
465
00:19:35,525 --> 00:19:37,359
Eric, I'm staying at my mother's.
466
00:19:37,361 --> 00:19:39,506
At least she understands the real me...
467
00:19:39,508 --> 00:19:41,713
Lara Something-Something Trump!
468
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:53,329
I guess I'm just a bully for hire now,
469
00:19:53,331 --> 00:19:55,910
completely devoid of a moral compass.
470
00:19:55,912 --> 00:19:57,656
That's why we're offerin' ya a job.
471
00:19:57,658 --> 00:19:59,617
We just have to have your twitchy brand
472
00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:02,865
of take-no-prisoners
justice in primetime.
473
00:20:02,867 --> 00:20:05,862
You'll start as my legal analyst
with your own segment
474
00:20:05,864 --> 00:20:08,338
attacking the top five
dipsticks of the day.
475
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,414
How do you feel about dying your hair
476
00:20:10,416 --> 00:20:14,137
16 competing shades of blond?
477
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:18,502
Gummy, you're on in
five. Hey. Zooba zooba.
478
00:20:18,504 --> 00:20:21,545
Yeah. Zooba zooba. Thanks.
479
00:20:21,547 --> 00:20:24,071
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and
I really come to life
480
00:20:24,073 --> 00:20:25,605
on a cruise-ship dance floor.
481
00:20:25,607 --> 00:20:27,357
Newly separated Lara Trump
482
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,407
has been seen out with divorce hobbyist
483
00:20:29,409 --> 00:20:32,321
and rapidly purpling
former mayor Rudy Giuliani.
484
00:20:32,323 --> 00:20:34,900
The pair were spotted
exiting a romantic dinner
485
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:38,772
at Jackie Marinara's Venetian
Clamhouse and Soggy Cigar Bar.
486
00:20:38,774 --> 00:20:40,497
Well, we'll see where
the night takes us,
487
00:20:40,499 --> 00:20:43,196
but luckily I got a cousin who
lives about six blocks away,
488
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:45,513
so either way, I'm going to bed sweaty.
489
00:20:51,870 --> 00:20:55,879
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin!
What happened to you, Elizabeth?
490
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:58,351
I had half a beer. Why are you here?
491
00:20:58,353 --> 00:21:00,335
Trying to swipe one
of the loaner jackets
492
00:21:00,337 --> 00:21:01,374
for the next debate?
493
00:21:01,376 --> 00:21:03,136
I'm organizing the line cooks
494
00:21:03,138 --> 00:21:04,866
to start a lefty podcast.
495
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,425
They're going to be insufferable!
496
00:21:06,427 --> 00:21:09,556
How do I fix this, Bernie?
Everyone thinks I'm a bully.
497
00:21:09,558 --> 00:21:11,395
Being tough on the billionaire class,
498
00:21:11,397 --> 00:21:13,399
no matter how weak-chinned they are,
499
00:21:13,401 --> 00:21:15,198
might make you feel like a bully,
500
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,701
but they're the real bullies.
501
00:21:16,703 --> 00:21:19,660
Liz, it's called integrity,
and it needs to be in your heart
502
00:21:19,662 --> 00:21:22,441
just like I got three
pig valves in mine.
503
00:21:22,443 --> 00:21:25,406
But how do I get the American
people to care about the truth?
504
00:21:25,408 --> 00:21:27,270
Oof! That could be a slog.
505
00:21:27,272 --> 00:21:28,966
If everyone's like those line cooks,
506
00:21:28,968 --> 00:21:31,606
they are too exhausted from
work to even acknowledge
507
00:21:31,608 --> 00:21:35,799
a repeated tap on the shoulder
and a thunderous throat clear.
508
00:21:35,801 --> 00:21:39,170
That's right! People are exhausted!
509
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:41,416
Mind if I take home some of
these tomatoes you didn't eat?
510
00:21:41,418 --> 00:21:44,683
I carry a reusable
to-go bag at all times.
511
00:21:46,727 --> 00:21:49,320
Zooba zooba...
512
00:21:49,322 --> 00:21:50,944
There you are.
513
00:21:50,946 --> 00:21:53,153
Tilapia?! Why are you here?
514
00:21:53,155 --> 00:21:54,699
I've got a Be Best event
515
00:21:54,701 --> 00:21:57,040
with that strange longman Zuckerberg,
516
00:21:57,042 --> 00:21:58,897
and I need Gummy to distract everyone
517
00:21:58,899 --> 00:22:00,593
when I bang out after 40 seconds.
518
00:22:00,595 --> 00:22:02,147
- Interested?
- Nah.
519
00:22:02,149 --> 00:22:04,824
I'm sort of having a personality crisis
520
00:22:04,826 --> 00:22:06,843
- at the moment.
- I know how you feel.
521
00:22:06,845 --> 00:22:09,976
Your dad has a way of turning
us all into dancing monsters.
522
00:22:09,978 --> 00:22:11,389
But what can I do?
523
00:22:11,391 --> 00:22:15,027
If I'm not Gummy, I'm the
least popular Trump child.
524
00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:18,113
If I am, Lara doesn't
want to be with me.
525
00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:19,795
Yah, that's kind of the sweet spot.
526
00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:21,545
If you're too out there,
527
00:22:21,547 --> 00:22:25,051
Donald notices you exist
and tries talking to you.
528
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:27,485
Just do what I do... one event a year,
529
00:22:27,487 --> 00:22:30,008
then it's back to cutting up
Brillo pads to hide in his food.
530
00:22:30,010 --> 00:22:31,832
You're right! I don't need to be
531
00:22:31,834 --> 00:22:34,418
the most beloved
entertainer of our time.
532
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:37,162
I just need the love of my scary wife.
533
00:22:37,164 --> 00:22:41,085
Monopoly, get the clippers.
We have work to do!
534
00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:45,328
Why must most days end
with me shaving a Trump?
535
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:47,517
Professor.
536
00:22:47,519 --> 00:22:50,790
Am I, uh, too late for office hours?
537
00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:53,127
I thought you dropped
Professor Mann's class.
538
00:22:53,129 --> 00:22:54,463
It's too late in the semester,
539
00:22:54,465 --> 00:22:56,355
and I can't graduate without you.
540
00:22:56,357 --> 00:22:57,514
I mean, your... your class.
541
00:22:57,516 --> 00:22:59,789
I'm sure you can find
a pass-fail seminar
542
00:22:59,791 --> 00:23:01,637
that's not too late to
add to your course load.
543
00:23:01,639 --> 00:23:03,481
But I want your rigorous,
544
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:06,805
extremely unforgiving grading curve.
545
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:08,669
Oh, Elizabeth, you know how to tickle
546
00:23:08,671 --> 00:23:11,290
the tweed elbow patches of my heart.
547
00:23:11,292 --> 00:23:14,385
I don't actually have a
generous grading curve, do I?
548
00:23:14,387 --> 00:23:16,292
C'mon! The fight was over!
549
00:23:16,294 --> 00:23:17,712
Why do you always have to do this?
550
00:23:19,155 --> 00:23:21,976
Bullying is a scourge on America...
551
00:23:21,978 --> 00:23:24,189
whether it's not asking
before letting Jon Voight
552
00:23:24,191 --> 00:23:27,473
use our shower, or changing
the channel to Fox Business
553
00:23:27,475 --> 00:23:30,578
while I'm trying to watch Fat
Bitch Boot Camp in peace.
554
00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:33,203
With me is a special boy
555
00:23:33,205 --> 00:23:35,122
who has experienced bullying.
556
00:23:35,124 --> 00:23:36,566
Mark, go ahead, sweetie.
557
00:23:36,568 --> 00:23:39,844
I started Facebook
to end the Iraq War...
558
00:23:39,846 --> 00:23:42,805
don't look that up. And, sure,
my website may have sparked
559
00:23:42,807 --> 00:23:45,149
sectarian bloodshed in a dozen nations,
560
00:23:45,151 --> 00:23:47,766
but no tech billionaires
should have to go through
561
00:23:47,768 --> 00:23:49,430
the torment of Elizabeth Warren
562
00:23:49,432 --> 00:23:51,549
- nervously asking you to do better.
- That's great.
563
00:23:51,551 --> 00:23:54,362
My PR team says I have
fulfilled my obligations.
564
00:23:54,364 --> 00:23:56,281
And now a very special guest.
565
00:23:58,023 --> 00:24:00,856
Ladies and gentlemen!
566
00:24:00,858 --> 00:24:02,585
Gummy died!
567
00:24:02,587 --> 00:24:05,689
Instead, please welcome
568
00:24:05,691 --> 00:24:08,349
Errrrrriiiiiic!
569
00:24:08,351 --> 00:24:10,898
- What?!
- You promised Gummy!
570
00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:14,273
Lara, baby! I'm so sorry!
571
00:24:14,275 --> 00:24:16,230
Who are you talking to?
572
00:24:16,232 --> 00:24:19,056
Lara? I thought Lara would be here.
573
00:24:19,058 --> 00:24:20,385
She's usually hanging out
574
00:24:20,387 --> 00:24:22,553
wherever a majority of my family is.
575
00:24:22,555 --> 00:24:24,795
Hello?
576
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:27,004
- Eric, it's me!
- It's Lara!
577
00:24:27,006 --> 00:24:29,618
- Oh. Okay.
- I'm sorry I acted like
578
00:24:29,620 --> 00:24:32,022
a huge, dumb, entitled jerk.
579
00:24:32,024 --> 00:24:33,915
I lost sight of who I am...
580
00:24:33,917 --> 00:24:36,309
a rich failure with a smokin' wife
581
00:24:36,311 --> 00:24:38,579
whose family prefers him out of sight.
582
00:24:38,581 --> 00:24:40,273
Will you take me back?
583
00:24:40,275 --> 00:24:43,460
Oh, Eric. Whatever it
was that I saw in you,
584
00:24:43,462 --> 00:24:46,017
and no one will ever figure
it out, I see it again.
585
00:24:46,019 --> 00:24:48,623
I'm on Judge Jeanine
tonight calling for the outlaw
586
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:50,777
of dreadlocks if you want to watch.
587
00:24:50,779 --> 00:24:52,211
Will do, babe!
588
00:24:52,213 --> 00:24:54,123
I did it! I got her back!
589
00:24:56,066 --> 00:24:57,305
Wait!
590
00:24:57,307 --> 00:24:58,746
It's the bully!
591
00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:00,954
I know... when you see Elizabeth Warren,
592
00:25:00,956 --> 00:25:04,184
you see a big scary goon,
but hear me out! Bruce?
593
00:25:06,137 --> 00:25:08,740
Mayor Pete, when you see a news story,
594
00:25:08,742 --> 00:25:10,279
how do you know it's not fake?
595
00:25:10,281 --> 00:25:13,003
After I read the news...
in Farsi I might add...
596
00:25:13,005 --> 00:25:15,017
I usually spend hours cross-checking
597
00:25:15,019 --> 00:25:16,141
with primary sources.
598
00:25:16,143 --> 00:25:18,031
It takes while, but what
else am I gonna do...
599
00:25:18,033 --> 00:25:20,298
fix my city's rampant
law-enforcement problems?
600
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:21,896
- Heh. Yeah, right.
- See?
601
00:25:21,898 --> 00:25:23,909
Everyday people don't have
602
00:25:23,911 --> 00:25:26,704
the time or energy to verify facts!
603
00:25:26,706 --> 00:25:29,314
They're not whatever Pete Buttigieg is.
604
00:25:29,316 --> 00:25:32,451
Facebook's algorithm
confuses reality so people
605
00:25:32,453 --> 00:25:34,753
can't tell the difference
between the New York Times
606
00:25:34,755 --> 00:25:37,050
and Race War News Dot Albania!
607
00:25:37,052 --> 00:25:39,532
Making people sort
through all that flimflam
608
00:25:39,534 --> 00:25:42,614
to find the truth is the
worst bullying of all!
609
00:25:42,616 --> 00:25:45,545
Facebook sucks! Facebook sucks!
610
00:25:45,547 --> 00:25:46,817
Well, I gotta head home and clean
611
00:25:46,819 --> 00:25:48,378
the fresh craps out of my smoker.
612
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:49,779
We're not done yet, Zuck.
613
00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:52,061
You're gonna sign
this non-binding pledge
614
00:25:52,063 --> 00:25:54,262
saying that you will
tweak internal policies.
615
00:25:54,264 --> 00:25:57,105
I'm calling it the Accountable
Facebook Agreement.
616
00:25:57,107 --> 00:25:59,506
And, once again, it is non-binding!
617
00:25:59,508 --> 00:26:01,107
Sign it! Sign it!
618
00:26:01,109 --> 00:26:03,549
- I accept your terms.
- Excelsior!
619
00:26:03,551 --> 00:26:07,432
Now, Bruce, take this
thing back to South Bend!
620
00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:09,156
I think I'm really getting the hang
621
00:26:09,158 --> 00:26:11,555
of this whole "regular guy" thing.
622
00:26:13,559 --> 00:26:17,199
Well, Eric, you might not be a
good campaign media surrogate,
623
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:18,480
but at least you're not
624
00:26:18,482 --> 00:26:20,322
a campaign media surrogate anymore.
625
00:26:20,324 --> 00:26:22,283
And I'm proud of you, sweetheart,
626
00:26:22,285 --> 00:26:24,204
for giving up any sense of self-worth
627
00:26:24,206 --> 00:26:27,487
because it put a little too
much strain on our relationship.
628
00:26:27,489 --> 00:26:30,329
I had my fun, but this
family doesn't have room
629
00:26:30,331 --> 00:26:32,651
for another megalomaniacal messiah.
630
00:26:32,653 --> 00:26:34,452
You've earned my trust and, with it,
631
00:26:34,454 --> 00:26:37,119
the right to marry my daughter Lara!
632
00:26:37,121 --> 00:26:39,135
Welcome to the family, son.
633
00:26:39,137 --> 00:26:42,017
You're the warm,
emotionally available father
634
00:26:42,019 --> 00:26:43,459
I never had!
635
00:26:43,461 --> 00:26:45,100
Let's head out onto the patio
636
00:26:45,102 --> 00:26:47,742
and crack open a box of Sudafed.
637
00:26:49,465 --> 00:26:51,504
Ah, it's good to be out
of that leather jacket
638
00:26:51,506 --> 00:26:54,427
and back into my TJ
Maxx librarian scrubs.
639
00:26:54,429 --> 00:26:57,869
Brucie, from now on, I
promise I'll only bully you
640
00:26:57,871 --> 00:26:59,590
on Scrabble Tuesdays.
641
00:26:59,592 --> 00:27:02,152
If a word's not a word,
I'm gonna hear about it.
642
00:27:02,154 --> 00:27:03,994
And worst part of all of it...
643
00:27:03,996 --> 00:27:06,956
they called me "Lizzy the Loser".
644
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,798
See you in 2024, you freak bitch.
645
00:28:07,843 --> 00:28:09,143
Trump!
50025
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