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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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In a few moments, Special
Counsel Robert Mueller
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will deliver his first public
remarks on his investigation.
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It's happening! There
he is! It's happening!
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Hooray! He's gonna make
the case for impeachment
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00:00:22,028 --> 00:00:23,921
so we don't have to!
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Oh, no! If Mueller read the
Mueller Report, I'm screwed!
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At long last, here is Mr. Mueller.
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Mueller! Mueller!
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I am speaking today to announce
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that our investigation is complete
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and to reveal to the American people
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that I am really hurt
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that only a few of
you read my big report.
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I worked super hard on it.
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My wife said it was the
best thing she ever read.
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00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:49,279
Uh-oh.
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Now let's get back to
this historic crisis,
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which I've decided to punt to
our broken, shithead Congress.
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The ball is now in
your turd-strewn court.
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Thanks for the homework, asshole.
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I trust a room of 500
backstabbing trash bags
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00:01:05,897 --> 00:01:09,499
of human sludge will
come to a swift consensus.
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My god, Chuck. Will this
affect the infrastructure bill?!
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Not if there's a God.
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Now, I'm sure you expected
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that with the eyes
of the nation upon me,
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I would at the very least summarize
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the President's wrongdoings.
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Too bad. I'm a coward.
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Anyway, I quit.
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Good luck with the whole
saving America thing.
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Boooo!
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Wait. So it's all on Pelosi? Boo!
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It's all on me?! Booooo!
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I'm invincible!
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And more breaking news.
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A new Fox News poll has Trump
trailing Biden by 11 points.
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Damn it!
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Look at me, Beto!
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I can stand on stuff, too! Unh!
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I'm Jake Tapper, and
I'll smile when I'm dead.
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We're going live now to President Trump
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who's sitting down with his cabinet
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for a foreign-policy discussion,
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and there appears to be
a small but growing fire.
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Let's tune in...
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Today, we're discussing
my latest proposal
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for Middle East peace...
which I whipped up
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while on the Pelaton this morning...
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So let's stay focused
on the task at hand...
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Shut up! Alright. This
is what we're gonna do.
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Tomorrow we're launching
drone strikes on every country
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that was mean to me in this
dream I had last night...
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Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville.
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My office has a big list
of all the countries,
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and I don't think
Birdville is on the list.
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Also the fire has spread
to the hem of my pants.
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I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
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Hey! Focus!
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Sprinklers!
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DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide!
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Bolton, you son of a bitch,
we need music!
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Yay! Yay! Yay!
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That cabinet meeting
was more embarrassing
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than my dad describing the type of porn
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he wanted me to sneak into his prison.
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An unnamed source who
definitely isn't me
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is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos.
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Which is the kind of issue
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Democrats would love to
bury you with in 2020.
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Just let me get some
competent people in here.
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I know how to hire people, Jared.
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I learned it from the Dalai Lama himself
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at Trump Plaza in 1984.
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He taught me how to
see into a person's soul
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to determine their true excellence.
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To know the best when I see it.
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And when I can't see it, I can smell it.
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And if it's smelly enough
and the windows are closed,
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I can kind of taste it, too.
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Of course. The best is
whatever you say is the best.
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Don't you tell me what the best is.
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The best is whatever I say is the best!
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Aha, Chuck Todd!
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Now that I've destroyed your argument
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against undocumented
children being housed
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three to a port-o-potty,
you must do penance
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by flogging yourself with
this cat o' nine tails!
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Ugh. I always regret not knocking first.
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Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance
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on Meet The Press is canceled.
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But, sir, I've been going on
as many Tinder dates as I can
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just to practice talking over people.
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The media's coming after my cabinet.
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I need someone with sophistication.
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Not someone who time
travelers kept trying to kill
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when they were a baby.
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00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,508
You're not going to
replace your cabinet again,
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are you, Dad? Some of them are so new,
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I can't talk to them because
of the Stranger Danger rule.
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They're not going anywhere,
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unless Herman Cain shows interest,
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and I need to trade the whole
team to land that all-star.
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Did you see what your
genius cabinet has done?
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Cured cancer?
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Trump's cabinet is cancer.
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Heh. Talk about an air ball.
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00:04:25,527 --> 00:04:28,161
Here are screw-ups from
the past seven days.
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John Bolton locked himself
in the trunk of his own car.
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Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk
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to meet the Thai delegation
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and kept sliding off all the furniture.
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Ben Carson fell down the same well
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he's fallen down six times.
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Anyone looks bad when you
focus on what they did.
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I am only in the same house
as you a few days a year.
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Hire someone to control these
idiots so I can feel safe.
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I suppose it couldn't hurt to
interview a candidate or two.
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You know, just in case
any staff get caught
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joining the mile-high
club on a log flume!
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If you don't get caught,
you're not doing it right!
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Say hello to your next
Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
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Former State Rep, Governor of Minnesota,
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and chair of several
presidential campaigns.
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Our schedule is pretty grueling.
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We demand a three-week commitment,
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followed by two weeks of being
maligned by me on social media.
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Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
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I am here to put this house in order.
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First, everyone must
attend all meetings.
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No more dressing your
housekeeper up in your clothes
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and sending her in your place.
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Uh-uh-uh.
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And for the sake of time-management,
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no wasting ten minutes
complimenting the President,
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and we all read your
briefings together, word by...
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Tim Pawlenty is so fired!
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I'd like to thank Tim for
his eight minutes of service,
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but I can't because he was terrible!
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It's been an honor to
serve you, Mr. President.
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Ugh! Go back to
Minnesota and milk a lake!
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Go on, get!
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So things get a little bumpy
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and you go running into
the boring arms of Pawlenty?
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00:05:56,616 --> 00:05:59,483
Relax. Jared says he has
other great candidates.
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00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:00,818
Ever heard of Newt Gingrich?
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Jared knows this guy who
looks exactly like him.
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00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:06,256
But only you know who
the best people are.
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00:06:06,258 --> 00:06:07,591
What's your gut tell you?
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00:06:07,593 --> 00:06:09,627
- Bigfoot is real.
- What else?
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It's telling me that maybe
we shouldn't hire someone
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just because he's got a good résumé
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and never ran a
glass-bottom boat ashore.
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I just feel like I'm in a rut.
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The President won't give
me a high-profile role
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that allows me to really spread my ooze.
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Not everyone has the charismatic
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megawatt "it" factor
that makes me a star.
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- You're trash!
- Rot in hell! Shame
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- Shame! Shame!
- Shame! Shame!
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For the sake of other diners,
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and so I can look my future
grandchildren in the eye,
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I must ask you to leave.
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I'll take this to go. If
the chef spits in it again,
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tell him to gargle some Cholula first.
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It could use a kick.
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Well! Well, well, well!
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If it isn't Trump's human shield.
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Can't go out in public without somebody
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00:06:51,503 --> 00:06:53,970
taking a long hot wizz on their shoes.
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I remember those days.
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That was before I grew the
beard and everything changed.
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Growing facial hair made
people like Ted Cruz?
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00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,346
Senator Cruz, right this way.
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00:07:03,348 --> 00:07:05,715
The other diners can't
wait to regard the majesty
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00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,183
of your plentiful whiskers.
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Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take
a picture, it'll last longer,
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00:07:10,288 --> 00:07:12,654
but I don't show up in photographs!
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00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,693
I don't want new people, Jared.
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00:07:17,695 --> 00:07:20,128
But Americans no longer
trust your cabinet.
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This is the first time
since the founding
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that the White House has been
denied homeowners insurance.
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How can you know that
these people are the best?
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00:07:26,470 --> 00:07:29,270
Jared, when your dad
picked out which prostitute
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to film your uncle having sex with,
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00:07:31,375 --> 00:07:33,441
he didn't hold a casting call.
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He just knew.
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00:07:34,879 --> 00:07:37,913
Just like I can't know someone's
the best by his résumé.
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I know it by the joke
he writes on the check
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where he's supposed to leave a tip.
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My cabinet is already the best.
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And I'm going to teach them
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to unlock that bestness
within themselves.
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00:07:48,526 --> 00:07:49,958
You know what? Let's... Let's do it.
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,829
Let's make your team so competent
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that they'll stop showing
up late because they went
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00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:54,595
to the wrong White House.
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00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:56,631
Help! Help!
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00:07:56,633 --> 00:07:58,699
Ben Carson fell down
the well again, sir.
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00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:01,301
Lower a bucket of
saltines to him, Kellyanne!
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00:08:01,303 --> 00:08:05,339
A lot of saltines! He's
got a big day tomorrow!
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00:08:08,578 --> 00:08:10,811
Today's gonna be a little different.
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00:08:10,813 --> 00:08:12,212
Follow the President's lead,
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00:08:12,214 --> 00:08:15,416
or you'll be just another
loser on the unemployment line
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00:08:15,418 --> 00:08:17,418
with a million-dollar book deal.
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00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:19,921
Did someone say "loser"?
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00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:22,757
How'd you sneak in here?!
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00:08:22,759 --> 00:08:24,059
Am I here?
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00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,800
- Or am I here?
- Ooh!
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00:08:33,802 --> 00:08:37,371
They say you're losers, the
worst cabinet in history.
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00:08:37,373 --> 00:08:41,007
With my teaching, you'll be able
to look them in the eye and say,
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00:08:41,009 --> 00:08:44,111
"No, you're the worst
cabinet in history!"
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00:08:44,113 --> 00:08:46,046
Your journey begins now.
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00:08:46,048 --> 00:08:49,466
Come with me if you want to live.
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00:08:49,982 --> 00:08:52,519
Oh, God damn it. I don't wanna...
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00:08:52,521 --> 00:08:54,754
Again? Oh, no. Come on.
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00:08:54,756 --> 00:08:59,016
I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go...
219
00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:01,361
Ugh. Jesus Christ. No.
220
00:09:01,363 --> 00:09:03,863
This is the first time
I've had a visitor.
221
00:09:03,865 --> 00:09:05,499
Are you peckish? Can I offer you
222
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,767
a cold battery from
my freezer to suck on?
223
00:09:07,769 --> 00:09:09,536
Say, what's that on your face?
224
00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:11,905
I want to become more likable
in the eyes of the President,
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00:09:11,907 --> 00:09:14,641
so I grew a beard exactly like yours.
226
00:09:14,643 --> 00:09:15,775
Any notes?
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00:09:15,777 --> 00:09:17,443
I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man
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00:09:17,445 --> 00:09:20,580
should keep his face as smooth
as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
229
00:09:20,582 --> 00:09:23,516
He does like a nice
head of hair, though.
230
00:09:23,518 --> 00:09:25,952
You can make a wig out
of my beard shavings.
231
00:09:25,954 --> 00:09:27,921
I would donate it to
a cancer kids charity,
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00:09:27,923 --> 00:09:29,889
but it causes a vitamin D deficiency
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00:09:29,891 --> 00:09:32,892
as well as a massive spike
in every other vitamin.
234
00:09:32,894 --> 00:09:36,029
Now you just need a complete
personality transformation.
235
00:09:36,031 --> 00:09:39,398
But who will save America from
caravans of Guatemalan moms
236
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,705
if not Stephen Miller?!
237
00:09:40,730 --> 00:09:43,631
Stephen Miller is
dead! Don't you get it?!
238
00:09:44,339 --> 00:09:46,640
Now let's go make some
hair-lovin' friends.
239
00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:52,178
To be the best, you must believe
you are the best at everything.
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00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:54,514
I want each of you to walk a tightrope
241
00:09:54,516 --> 00:09:56,182
to the Washington Monument.
242
00:09:56,184 --> 00:09:59,552
The best do not
hesitate; they simply do.
243
00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:02,288
Use the force. There is no spoon.
244
00:10:02,290 --> 00:10:04,290
Time to make the donuts.
245
00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:05,625
- I believe in you.
- You got this!
246
00:10:05,627 --> 00:10:06,859
Watch out for airplanes.
247
00:10:06,861 --> 00:10:08,361
Now I believe in physics!
248
00:10:08,363 --> 00:10:10,029
- You're up, Bolton.
- You can do it, Bolton.
249
00:10:10,031 --> 00:10:11,830
Look at me! I'm a bomb!
250
00:10:11,832 --> 00:10:12,965
Kaboom!
251
00:10:12,967 --> 00:10:14,267
Yeah, I think I got this.
252
00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:18,371
This is terrible. What else is on?
253
00:10:18,373 --> 00:10:20,005
Sir, let me take a crack.
254
00:10:20,007 --> 00:10:21,807
If I can hold my nose and work for
255
00:10:21,809 --> 00:10:24,209
a casino bankrupting
failed steak salesmen...
256
00:10:24,211 --> 00:10:26,678
not you... I can turn this crew around.
257
00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:33,218
Mister Cruz, lovely to see
you and that coarse thicket.
258
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:35,387
Who is your elegantly coiffed companion?
259
00:10:35,389 --> 00:10:37,689
This is my friend from politics.
260
00:10:37,691 --> 00:10:39,591
- His name is...
- Stefan!
261
00:10:39,593 --> 00:10:41,759
Je m'appelle Stefan Millar.
262
00:10:41,761 --> 00:10:44,896
I am Washington's newest cad about town.
263
00:10:44,898 --> 00:10:46,731
It's ya boy!
264
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,734
Thank God you said Stefan
Millar and not Stephen Miller.
265
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,837
He's as disgusting as the
things we do to his food.
266
00:10:52,839 --> 00:10:55,173
Sea bass marinated in
the liquid wrung from
267
00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:57,275
the bus boy's exercise undergarments.
268
00:10:57,277 --> 00:10:59,678
Table bread that's been
dipped in industrial cleaner
269
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:00,978
and used to clean tables.
270
00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:02,714
That one actually tasted pretty good.
271
00:11:02,716 --> 00:11:05,783
I once straight up took
a dump on his kale caesar.
272
00:11:05,785 --> 00:11:07,251
Right this way, Mister Millar!
273
00:11:07,253 --> 00:11:08,386
Yes, sir!
274
00:11:10,245 --> 00:11:12,456
Before you sits a spirit potion
275
00:11:12,458 --> 00:11:15,626
composed of Diet Coke
concentrate and expired pills
276
00:11:15,628 --> 00:11:18,429
I swiped from the
President's nightstand.
277
00:11:18,431 --> 00:11:21,933
Drink deep, and you will
walk the path to bestness...
278
00:11:21,935 --> 00:11:23,567
or you'll die instantly.
279
00:11:23,569 --> 00:11:24,769
Win, win.
280
00:11:30,944 --> 00:11:32,210
We have the best people...
281
00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:34,411
The best people... The best people...
282
00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:35,980
The best people... The best people...
283
00:11:35,982 --> 00:11:38,014
Best people. We have the
best people in the world.
284
00:11:38,016 --> 00:11:39,549
The best people... Best people...
285
00:11:39,551 --> 00:11:41,084
Best people... best people...
286
00:11:41,086 --> 00:11:42,685
Best people... best people...
287
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:45,188
Best people... best
people... best people...
288
00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:52,462
I'm finally dead. And
I still have my wallet!
289
00:11:52,464 --> 00:11:54,998
I knew I could take my money with me!
290
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,834
No way would I be dead
and not burning in hell.
291
00:11:57,836 --> 00:12:00,103
Must be some lame spiritual plane
292
00:12:00,105 --> 00:12:02,172
where all truth is revealed.
293
00:12:05,778 --> 00:12:08,178
To walk the path to bestness,
294
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,947
you must embrace these truths...
295
00:12:10,949 --> 00:12:13,549
If he says it, you agree.
296
00:12:13,551 --> 00:12:16,051
Do not do for yourself what you can scam
297
00:12:16,053 --> 00:12:19,054
a subcontractor into doing for you.
298
00:12:19,056 --> 00:12:22,324
And Graydon Carter should have
been fired from Vanity Fair
299
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:24,059
a long time ago,
300
00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:27,696
that magazine has never
recovered, such a shame.
301
00:12:27,698 --> 00:12:31,200
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
302
00:12:31,202 --> 00:12:33,135
Graydon Carter sucks.
303
00:12:33,137 --> 00:12:36,272
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
304
00:12:36,274 --> 00:12:39,641
Graydon Carter sucks. I agree.
305
00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:45,392
How 'bout that economy?
Is it doing great or what?
306
00:12:46,478 --> 00:12:48,450
I... agree?
307
00:12:48,452 --> 00:12:50,751
Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton.
308
00:12:50,753 --> 00:12:53,021
- Betsy. Schools?
- Very schools!
309
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,055
Swish!
310
00:12:54,057 --> 00:12:55,690
Mike Pompeo, North Korea?
311
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,625
Uh, gettin' Norther every day.
312
00:12:57,627 --> 00:12:59,093
Three points and the foul.
313
00:12:59,095 --> 00:13:00,795
- Mnuchin?
- We got money in the thing.
314
00:13:00,797 --> 00:13:03,298
Basketball went in
the basketball basket!
315
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,099
Last but not least, Ben Carson.
316
00:13:05,101 --> 00:13:08,169
- Where are we on...
- Graydon Carter sucks?
317
00:13:08,171 --> 00:13:10,104
Ben with the buzzer beater!
318
00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:13,141
They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible.
319
00:13:13,143 --> 00:13:16,444
Everyone, you are truly the best.
320
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:22,416
Last week, we said the President
321
00:13:22,418 --> 00:13:24,584
should have his entire cabinet executed
322
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,553
and run the government by himself.
323
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:28,155
But we're eatin' those words
324
00:13:28,157 --> 00:13:29,923
after yesterday's cabinet meeting
325
00:13:29,925 --> 00:13:32,893
went off without a single
gun fired into the ceilin'!
326
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,261
I won them back!
327
00:13:34,263 --> 00:13:36,296
And they've questioned my every move
328
00:13:36,298 --> 00:13:38,198
since declaring me infallible.
329
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,234
When we come back, the hot goss
330
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,635
on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar.
331
00:13:42,637 --> 00:13:44,771
Just last night he was
seen at a restaurant
332
00:13:44,773 --> 00:13:47,207
Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday.
333
00:13:47,209 --> 00:13:48,976
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
334
00:13:48,978 --> 00:13:52,212
He's got something special...
he was just on my TV.
335
00:13:52,214 --> 00:13:54,514
GQ loves you so much.
336
00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:56,850
Now break that news, baby.
I can take it.
337
00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:00,353
Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson
338
00:14:00,355 --> 00:14:02,188
and more a way of life.
339
00:14:02,190 --> 00:14:03,690
Stefan...
340
00:14:03,692 --> 00:14:06,393
A lot of people tell me I'm the
smartest guy they've ever met.
341
00:14:06,395 --> 00:14:08,461
And I'm like, "You need
to meet more people!"
342
00:14:08,463 --> 00:14:10,029
Meet more people...
343
00:14:10,031 --> 00:14:13,833
Confession! I've gone to
the grocery store in pajamas!
344
00:14:13,835 --> 00:14:15,268
Relatable...
345
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,837
People ask me what I'm thinking
about during these things.
346
00:14:17,839 --> 00:14:20,774
To be honest... pizza and Netflix. Ha!
347
00:14:21,376 --> 00:14:23,476
Here's to being the best people,
348
00:14:23,478 --> 00:14:25,578
and all it took was drinking poison.
349
00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:26,913
Cheers!
350
00:14:26,915 --> 00:14:30,450
Oh, wow. A fan's sending
us a bottle of wine.
351
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,287
- You still suck!
- We still hate you!
352
00:14:34,289 --> 00:14:36,956
Excuse me. Uh, since my name is already
353
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,591
a nationwide trending topic
just for approaching your table,
354
00:14:39,593 --> 00:14:41,727
I must ask you to leave.
355
00:14:41,729 --> 00:14:44,140
Stefan Millar, I saw you
356
00:14:44,165 --> 00:14:46,265
on Fox & Friends, so you got the job.
357
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,500
I'm thinking new press secretary/
358
00:14:48,502 --> 00:14:50,602
speechwriter/best friend.
359
00:14:50,604 --> 00:14:52,771
- I won't let you down, sir!
- Cool.
360
00:14:52,773 --> 00:14:55,774
Your first job is to fire
the guy you're replacing.
361
00:14:55,776 --> 00:14:57,343
Get Stephen Miller in here.
362
00:14:57,345 --> 00:15:00,012
Um, shouldn't I fill out my
on-boarding paperwork first?
363
00:15:00,014 --> 00:15:01,713
We don't do that kind of thing here.
364
00:15:01,715 --> 00:15:04,984
This is gonna be pathetic.
I can't watch.
365
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:06,389
Um...
366
00:15:06,955 --> 00:15:08,520
This is Stephen Miller!
367
00:15:08,522 --> 00:15:10,856
Who are you, and why are you so cool?!
368
00:15:10,858 --> 00:15:12,390
I'm Stefan Millar,
369
00:15:12,392 --> 00:15:14,422
and you're fired, Stephen Miller.
370
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:15,527
But Mr. President,
371
00:15:15,529 --> 00:15:16,895
I, Stephen Miller, can change!
372
00:15:16,897 --> 00:15:19,331
I can't hear you,
Stevie. My back is turned.
373
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,934
I, Stephen Miller, won't
leave without a fight!
374
00:15:21,936 --> 00:15:25,403
I challenge you, Stefan
Millar, to a sword fight!
375
00:15:25,405 --> 00:15:26,939
Draw your sword, coward!
376
00:15:26,941 --> 00:15:28,239
Ting! Ting! Shing!
377
00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:30,275
Wow. I'd turn around and watch,
378
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,579
but I don't want to move out
of this nice warm sunbeam.
379
00:15:33,581 --> 00:15:35,481
Hunh! Curses!
380
00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:37,983
I, Stephen Miller, am slain!
381
00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:39,250
Tell Rush Limbaugh...
382
00:15:39,252 --> 00:15:41,151
I'll be tuning in from on high.
383
00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:43,654
Arrrgh!
384
00:15:43,656 --> 00:15:44,856
Whew!
385
00:15:44,858 --> 00:15:46,891
Who are you five lovely maidens?
386
00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:49,026
We are Stephen Miller's girlfriends!
387
00:15:49,028 --> 00:15:53,364
Sandy, Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy!
388
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:55,432
Who will give us the gift of child now?
389
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:58,469
I, Stefan Millar, will
fertilize each of you
390
00:15:58,471 --> 00:16:00,037
with my oxygenized seed.
391
00:16:00,039 --> 00:16:01,472
Oh, thank heavens!
392
00:16:01,474 --> 00:16:04,108
See you later for the good type of sex
393
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:06,544
we had with Stephen
Miller all of the time.
394
00:16:06,546 --> 00:16:09,514
Wee-oo wee-oo! We are the police!
395
00:16:09,516 --> 00:16:12,016
We would arrest you for murder,
but you're just too cool.
396
00:16:12,018 --> 00:16:14,752
Here, we'll get this
body out of the way. Unh!
397
00:16:14,754 --> 00:16:17,021
Holy hell! What a ripped body!
398
00:16:17,023 --> 00:16:19,723
Weee-oo! Weee-oo!
399
00:16:19,725 --> 00:16:22,726
It's done, sir.
400
00:16:23,142 --> 00:16:24,475
How did he take it?
401
00:16:25,056 --> 00:16:27,041
I know everyone's a little down,
402
00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:29,099
but this is the burden
of being the best.
403
00:16:29,101 --> 00:16:31,701
The Dalai Lama was hated
so much, not a single
404
00:16:31,703 --> 00:16:34,671
Atlantic City T-shirt shop
let him use their bathroom.
405
00:16:34,673 --> 00:16:39,376
But the important thing is,
I'm happy, so everything's fine!
406
00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:40,844
Maybe it's because someone poured
407
00:16:40,846 --> 00:16:42,479
béarnaise sauce into my handbag,
408
00:16:42,481 --> 00:16:44,981
but I'm not feeling the best anymore.
409
00:16:44,983 --> 00:16:46,450
- Join the club, sister.
- Yeah.
410
00:16:46,452 --> 00:16:48,185
There's a steak knife in my leg.
411
00:16:48,187 --> 00:16:50,653
Your only rule is...
412
00:16:50,655 --> 00:16:53,356
if Stephen Miller would have
said it, say the opposite.
413
00:16:53,358 --> 00:16:57,393
I guess his ideas did only make
sense to people hung like him.
414
00:16:57,395 --> 00:17:00,329
Meet my new press
secretary, Stefan Millar.
415
00:17:00,331 --> 00:17:02,131
He's gonna charm the pants off ya,
416
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:04,700
so leave your pants over there
in the bin marked "pants."
417
00:17:04,702 --> 00:17:06,702
Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling
418
00:17:06,704 --> 00:17:08,971
that the undocumented can't
be detained indefinitely?
419
00:17:08,973 --> 00:17:12,741
Jim... I... am not furious.
420
00:17:12,743 --> 00:17:14,843
And we are not...
421
00:17:14,845 --> 00:17:18,614
planning to rendition the
judges to a black site in Qatar.
422
00:17:18,616 --> 00:17:22,618
Go easy, guys. This is Stefan
Millar, not Stephen Miller.
423
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:24,986
You can tell because Stefan
didn't just finish eating
424
00:17:24,988 --> 00:17:27,689
a candy bar that I rubbed
on a bathroom floor.
425
00:17:27,691 --> 00:17:29,624
Good one, Mr. President.
426
00:17:29,626 --> 00:17:32,727
When my Grandpa died, I slipped
a stick of gum into his coffin,
427
00:17:32,729 --> 00:17:34,362
then a year later, I dug up the body,
428
00:17:34,364 --> 00:17:36,664
grabbed the stick of gum,
and gave it to Stephen Miller.
429
00:17:36,666 --> 00:17:37,932
He chewed it on camera!
430
00:17:39,136 --> 00:17:41,436
Acosta, you're alright.
431
00:17:44,575 --> 00:17:47,842
I made Palomas, no
thanks to you jerkholes.
432
00:17:47,844 --> 00:17:50,678
God, Mattis! I said I'd help
after my meditation hike!
433
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,080
You just love playing the victim.
434
00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:54,649
Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster.
435
00:17:54,651 --> 00:17:57,219
John Kelly, four star general
436
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,453
of the United States military, retired.
437
00:17:59,455 --> 00:18:00,688
Namaste?
438
00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:02,356
Sorry to bother you, guys.
439
00:18:02,358 --> 00:18:04,258
Me and the fellas were just wondering,
440
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:06,193
since we're all in Trump's cabinet,
441
00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:07,895
does that mean we're the best?
442
00:18:10,834 --> 00:18:15,003
Not only are you not the best,
but simply by working there
443
00:18:15,005 --> 00:18:16,804
you're guaranteeing your obituaries
444
00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:18,973
will include the word "co-conspirator."
445
00:18:18,975 --> 00:18:20,942
Get the hell out of there
while you can still work
446
00:18:20,944 --> 00:18:23,310
as a graveyard-shift
commentator on Fox Business!
447
00:18:27,216 --> 00:18:30,118
Where are my besties? I want
to watch them fall again.
448
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,719
I'm afraid the whole
cabinet resigned, sir.
449
00:18:32,743 --> 00:18:34,156
_
450
00:18:34,157 --> 00:18:36,257
You sure this isn't a suicide note?
451
00:18:36,259 --> 00:18:37,724
Don't worry. They're alive.
452
00:18:37,726 --> 00:18:39,826
I got like six calls today
from Celebrity Big Brother
453
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,162
checking their references.
454
00:18:41,164 --> 00:18:42,596
This doesn't make sense.
455
00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:44,298
I've always hired the best people,
456
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,567
ever since my days with the Dalai Lama.
457
00:18:46,569 --> 00:18:48,151
Sir, about that...
458
00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:50,904
The bad news is the Dalai Lama
459
00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:52,606
was a vagrant who wore bed sheets
460
00:18:52,608 --> 00:18:54,575
and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk.
461
00:18:54,577 --> 00:18:56,910
The good news is I got
us a deal on T-shirts
462
00:18:56,912 --> 00:19:00,113
that say "Jersey Girls Aren't
Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out."
463
00:19:00,115 --> 00:19:01,615
If the Times runs this story tomorrow,
464
00:19:01,617 --> 00:19:03,083
it's because someone stole my phone
465
00:19:03,085 --> 00:19:04,685
and texted it to them just now.
466
00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:07,454
Wait. If I hired them and
they're not the best people,
467
00:19:07,456 --> 00:19:10,623
then I might not be the best
person, but I am the best.
468
00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:13,425
This is the sort of paradox
that fake Dalai Lama
469
00:19:13,427 --> 00:19:16,528
would know just the right T-shirt for.
470
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,966
At least the Democrats can't
use my cabinet against me
471
00:19:20,968 --> 00:19:22,768
if I don't have a cabinet anymore.
472
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,303
Democratic strategists
473
00:19:24,305 --> 00:19:26,906
are focus testing their new 2020 slogan,
474
00:19:26,908 --> 00:19:30,339
"Trump's So Lame Even His
Loser Cabinet Ditched Him."
475
00:19:30,364 --> 00:19:31,677
Crap. That's a winner.
476
00:19:31,679 --> 00:19:35,014
Of course, Trump still has
Stefan Millar in his stable.
477
00:19:35,016 --> 00:19:36,982
But for how long?
478
00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:39,451
Why aren't you excited?
479
00:19:39,453 --> 00:19:40,953
You got everything you wanted,
480
00:19:40,955 --> 00:19:43,322
and all you had to
do was sell your soul.
481
00:19:43,324 --> 00:19:44,690
Exactly.
482
00:19:44,692 --> 00:19:47,358
It's Stefan Millar at the
podium, not Stephen Miller.
483
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,028
What's the point if I can't
describe the border wall
484
00:19:50,030 --> 00:19:52,563
in vivid, sexually vulgar detail?
485
00:19:52,565 --> 00:19:55,834
Big, pulsating turrets
quivering with gunfire!
486
00:19:55,836 --> 00:19:57,301
Try not to hurt your new image.
487
00:19:57,303 --> 00:19:58,837
Don't let your mouth write checks
488
00:19:58,839 --> 00:20:01,439
my beard hair glued to
your scalp can't cash.
489
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:02,841
Compliments of the house,
490
00:20:02,843 --> 00:20:05,910
the finest wine Mexico has to offer.
491
00:20:05,912 --> 00:20:09,280
Mexico... Mexico... Mexico...
492
00:20:09,282 --> 00:20:11,082
Mexico... Mexico...
493
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,218
Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes
494
00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:17,255
are bringing sweet nourishment
to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz!
495
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,323
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz!
496
00:20:19,325 --> 00:20:20,558
Mexico...
497
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,394
- Mexico... Mexico... Mexico.
- Oh, God.
498
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,129
It's so good!
499
00:20:25,131 --> 00:20:28,132
I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah!
500
00:20:28,134 --> 00:20:31,935
Ya Boy's so sorry!
501
00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:38,208
Sometimes I stare into the distance,
502
00:20:38,210 --> 00:20:40,344
wondering if, across the world,
503
00:20:40,346 --> 00:20:43,414
there's a little kid in
Birdville staring back at me.
504
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,616
You really miss your cabinet, don't you?
505
00:20:45,618 --> 00:20:48,185
We had one of our best
days together up here.
506
00:20:48,187 --> 00:20:51,021
This is where they all
fell and nearly died.
507
00:20:51,023 --> 00:20:53,324
Hey, Dad. Remember when me and Eric
508
00:20:53,326 --> 00:20:55,025
- were little kids?
- Gross.
509
00:20:55,027 --> 00:20:57,594
Remember what you used to
tell us before we went to bed?
510
00:20:57,596 --> 00:20:58,796
You'd say...
511
00:20:58,798 --> 00:21:00,430
You're nothing without me.
512
00:21:00,432 --> 00:21:04,001
And if I ever die, which I
won't, you'll be nothing again.
513
00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:05,836
Night, Dad!
514
00:21:05,838 --> 00:21:07,637
That kept me going, Dad.
515
00:21:07,639 --> 00:21:09,339
I knew I didn't need to work hard
516
00:21:09,341 --> 00:21:11,041
or have any talent, intelligence,
517
00:21:11,043 --> 00:21:13,043
or even a tolerable personality.
518
00:21:13,045 --> 00:21:14,544
I just needed you.
519
00:21:14,546 --> 00:21:17,247
I wanted to give my
kids the whole world,
520
00:21:17,249 --> 00:21:19,850
and since I am the whole world, I did.
521
00:21:19,852 --> 00:21:22,252
And that's what you should
have done with your cabinet.
522
00:21:22,254 --> 00:21:25,689
To be the best, they don't need
to have faith in themselves.
523
00:21:25,691 --> 00:21:27,958
They just need to have faith in you.
524
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,259
Thanks, Don.
525
00:21:29,261 --> 00:21:31,695
Tell General Kellyanne to
get my cabinet back here
526
00:21:31,697 --> 00:21:34,421
so they can watch the best be the best!
527
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:36,534
Oh, and Don...
528
00:21:37,836 --> 00:21:39,703
You're still nothing without me.
529
00:21:40,505 --> 00:21:42,673
I know, Dad. I know.
530
00:21:50,582 --> 00:21:54,617
Hey! Try using a star
of David to dot the I.
531
00:21:54,619 --> 00:21:56,753
- That's a really cool idea, man.
- _
532
00:21:56,755 --> 00:21:59,288
Hey, you look like Stephen
Miller. You know that guy?
533
00:21:59,290 --> 00:22:01,991
He was one of the most
talented bigots in the game.
534
00:22:01,993 --> 00:22:03,492
I wonder whatever happened to him.
535
00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:05,241
So do I.
536
00:22:05,266 --> 00:22:07,529
He used to eat at the
Shakey's where I worked.
537
00:22:07,531 --> 00:22:10,632
Man, we'd all compete to
see how much of our insides
538
00:22:10,634 --> 00:22:12,334
we could get onto each slice.
539
00:22:12,336 --> 00:22:14,503
Still, hell of a racist, though.
540
00:22:17,608 --> 00:22:19,241
They're not coming, are they?
541
00:22:19,243 --> 00:22:21,710
Trust me, Mr. President,
they'll be here.
542
00:22:21,712 --> 00:22:22,878
Did I win?!
543
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,279
Is this the championship episode?!
544
00:22:24,281 --> 00:22:27,148
None of you losers are
contestants on The Amazing Race.
545
00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:28,484
I lied to get you here.
546
00:22:28,486 --> 00:22:29,785
- Aww!
- That stinks.
547
00:22:29,787 --> 00:22:33,355
A vagrant with IBS who I
thought was the Dalai Lama
548
00:22:33,357 --> 00:22:35,757
taught me about the dichotomy of man.
549
00:22:35,759 --> 00:22:39,361
Just like a Rubik's Cube can
be both solved and unsolved
550
00:22:39,363 --> 00:22:41,096
if you never take it out of the box,
551
00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:44,399
an employee can be both
the best and the worst.
552
00:22:44,401 --> 00:22:46,634
Without me, you're all the worst,
553
00:22:46,636 --> 00:22:49,204
but you're all the best because of me.
554
00:22:49,206 --> 00:22:50,772
And now I'll prove it...
555
00:22:50,774 --> 00:22:53,808
by walking to the Washington Monument!
556
00:22:53,810 --> 00:22:55,843
Tell my wife she loves me!
557
00:22:55,845 --> 00:22:57,145
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he's really doing it!
558
00:22:57,147 --> 00:22:59,214
Is the Secret Service
really allowing this?
559
00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:04,752
I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy.
560
00:23:15,886 --> 00:23:18,465
Fake... news?
561
00:23:19,416 --> 00:23:22,469
Who had June for Trump toppling
the Washington Monument?
562
00:23:22,471 --> 00:23:24,538
- That was me! Pay up.
- Aww.
563
00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:26,073
Oh, man.
564
00:23:26,075 --> 00:23:28,375
I hope the people at
the top of that monument
565
00:23:28,377 --> 00:23:29,977
had their seatbelts on.
566
00:23:30,316 --> 00:23:31,593
What the!
567
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:33,690
God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed.
568
00:23:33,715 --> 00:23:36,750
Someone do something! Where's Stefan?!
569
00:23:37,740 --> 00:23:40,354
Stefan can't help you, Mr. President,
570
00:23:40,356 --> 00:23:43,190
but I know someone who can!
571
00:23:43,592 --> 00:23:46,159
This is Stephen Miller!
572
00:23:46,161 --> 00:23:48,695
The President's life
has been put in danger
573
00:23:48,697 --> 00:23:50,964
by this Mexican manufactured tightrope
574
00:23:50,966 --> 00:23:53,399
which was clearly sabotaged!
575
00:23:53,401 --> 00:23:55,802
Just as Mexicans have sabotaged
576
00:23:55,804 --> 00:23:57,938
the dream of millions of Americans
577
00:23:57,940 --> 00:24:02,175
to get a job debeaking
chickens at a factory farm!
578
00:24:02,177 --> 00:24:06,980
We must retaliate against this
hostile act with military might!
579
00:24:06,982 --> 00:24:09,082
Breaking news. Stephen
Miller has announced
580
00:24:09,084 --> 00:24:12,486
the administration has
declared war on Mexico,
581
00:24:12,488 --> 00:24:15,188
causing viewers to seek comfort
582
00:24:15,190 --> 00:24:18,123
in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow.
583
00:24:18,125 --> 00:24:20,960
It's good to have you all back.
584
00:24:20,962 --> 00:24:22,294
I'm glad you've come to see
585
00:24:22,296 --> 00:24:24,997
that because I'm the best, you are, too.
586
00:24:24,999 --> 00:24:27,466
Also, all the job interviews we went on
587
00:24:27,468 --> 00:24:30,402
ended up being really
violent YouTube pranks.
588
00:24:30,404 --> 00:24:32,905
I want to especially
commend Stefan Millar
589
00:24:32,907 --> 00:24:34,473
who changed the conversation
590
00:24:34,475 --> 00:24:36,876
about me destroying a national monument
591
00:24:36,878 --> 00:24:39,845
by launching a debate
over an unnecessary war.
592
00:24:39,847 --> 00:24:42,414
Actually, sir, it was I, Stephen Miller!
593
00:24:42,416 --> 00:24:45,384
I was Stefan Millar the whole time.
594
00:24:45,386 --> 00:24:47,252
Got it. Fire Stefan Millar
595
00:24:47,254 --> 00:24:49,220
for leaving me out to dry last night.
596
00:24:49,222 --> 00:24:50,488
Right away, sir!
597
00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:53,758
Stefan, en garde!
Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting!
598
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,359
Hello, boys!
599
00:24:55,361 --> 00:24:58,229
Ah. My insatiable maidens have returned!
600
00:24:58,254 --> 00:24:59,397
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
601
00:24:59,399 --> 00:25:01,165
Just like old times,
602
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:04,669
with a nice cozy uncontrolled
fire to keep us warm.
603
00:25:06,006 --> 00:25:08,773
I think Wilbur Ross just
died of smoke inhalation!
604
00:25:08,775 --> 00:25:10,041
What should we do?!
605
00:25:10,043 --> 00:25:11,910
Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop
up his corpse and mix it
606
00:25:11,912 --> 00:25:13,411
into Stephen Miller's food!
607
00:25:13,413 --> 00:25:14,933
Yay!
608
00:26:13,972 --> 00:26:15,039
Trump!
609
00:26:15,063 --> 00:26:20,063
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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