All language subtitles for Relative.Strangers.2006.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[music playing]

(SINGING) You've got to
accentuate the positive,

eliminate the negative.

And latch on to the affirmative.

And don't mess with
Mr. In-between.

You've got to spread
joy up to the maximum,

bring gloom down to the minimum,
have faith in pandemonium,

liable to walk up on the scene.

You will not stray, my last
remark, Jonah in the whale,

Noah in the ark.

What did they did just when
everything looked so dark?

Man, they said you got to
accentuate the positives.

Eliminate the
negative and latch--

KEN HYMAN: Hello, welcome
back to "Group Hug,"

I am your host, Ken Hyman.

Touching you, touching me.

My guest today is psychologist
and author Dr. Richard Clayton.

He has written a new book
titled " Ready, Set, Let Go,

A Guide To Anger Management."

Doctor, you first applied the
methods described in your book

to patients in your own
private care, is that correct?

Yes.

I was trying to solve
some of my own issues,

and while doing so I discovered
something that worked so well.

I thought I would use
it to help other people.

KEN HYMAN: I'd like to open
the lines up to callers.

If anyone out there is
dealing with anger issues,

Dr. Richard Clayton
is standing by.

And we have a call.
Hello?

MAN: Yeah.

I got a little bit of a problem.

OK, shoot.

MAN: You know what
my problem is?

This used to be a rock
station, and now we've

got Mr. Touchy Feely here
talking out of his ass!

You suck, Hyman!

I'm going to slash your tires.

Don't cut him off.

Uh, caller.

What is it exactly about the
show that makes you so angry?

MAN: That it sucks.
- OK, good.

Now do you honestly think that
slashing Mr. Hyman's tires

is going to make
you feel any better?

MAN: Yeah.

Yeah, I think it will.

In fact, many of the things
that we do when we are angry

don't make us feel
any better at all.

They often make us feel worse.

We're in control of our
emotions, not the other way

around.

First step to take
control of our lives

is learning to master
the emotional self.

What are you
starting at me for?

Eyes front.

Let's go, jackass.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Now I'd like
you to do something for me.

I'd like you to close your
eyes, take a deep breath,

repeat after me.

Ready?

Ready.

Set.

Set.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

How do you feel?

Let go.

Yeah.

I feel real good.

[crunching sound]

What, are you out of your mind?

[honking]

That's all the time we have
for on "Group Hug" today.

I'd like to thank our
guest, Dr. Richard Clayton.

The book is "Ready,
Set, Let Go."

It's available at better
bookstores everywhere.

I'm Ken Hyman, touching you,
touching me, till next time.

You were great in there, doc.

Oh, thank you honey.

It's just-- it's
all so exciting.

In three weeks I'll
be married to the most

wonderful girl in the world.

Could life be any sweeter?

Yeah, you could be me?

[music playing]

(SINGING) Man you got to
accentuate the positive,

eliminate the negative, and
latch on to the affirmative.

And don't mess
with Mr In Between.

No, don't mess
with Mr In Between.

No, don't mess
with Mr In Between.

DOUG CLAYTON: I don't think we
have enough women in our lives.

Excuse me.

DOUG CLAYTON: I
think that's copper.

Mercury.

DOUG CLAYTON: Mercury.

Well done, Ellen.

So, Ellen, pretty soon you'll
be part of the Clayton family.

How does it feel?

Well, it's an honor.

I love your son much.

Oh Ellen, that's
so very sweet.

But what do you
think of Richard?

Ah, switch, two points.

Give it up, mom.
Come on.

Not at the table.

If you ask me, the entire
public welfare system

should be abolished.

RICHARD CLAYTON: That's easy
enough for you to say dad.

You're white, and you're the
son of a wealthy industrialist.

As am I. But some
people are born

into disadvantage, because
of their background,

or the color of their skin.

Or--

Yes, yes.

It sounds like the same bunch
of typical liberal claptrap.

Thank you, Rosa.

Thank you very much.

You're a good woman.

Your people are a fine
people, a proud people.

She doesn't understand
what you're saying, Richard.

Everyone understands the
language of respect, mother.

Give it a rest.

Have some brandy.

No thank you, Mitch.

You know I don't drink anymore.

How a son of mine turned
into such a bleeding heart,

I will never know.

Maybe he gets it
from his father.

Well if that were
the case, then I'd

have no compassion whatsoever.

Not necessarily.

Eh, Mitch.

I think you've had one too many.

But isn't it time
he knew the truth?

Truth about what?

Mitchell.

About the beat.

Bear?

What bear?

What, what, what is
he talking about?

- Maybe it's best if I show you.
- Mitch.

Mitch, get back here.

Where is he going.

Maybe we should just tell him.

Tell me what?

Richard, we didn't want
to tell you like this.

But I suppose
there's no easy way,

and with the wedding
coming up, I suppose it's

time that you know the truth.

Rosa, [non-english speech].

Although we loved both
you and Mitch equally,

and we raised both
of you as our own,

I'm not your father,
strictly speaking.

I don't understand.

What do you mean?

I'm not your
biological mother either.

Is this is some kind of joke?

No, it's not a joke, Richard.

I'm afraid you
were adopted, son.

Adopted?

But that's impossible.

Not necessarily.

I was up in the
attic last night,

digging through some of our
old stuff, and I found this.

What is this?

The orphanage found
you on the doorstep

with just that one item.

You were only a few months old.

Now, let's not make
a big scene, Richard.

Who's making a big scene?

You're telling me
that I'm adopted?

Richard, lower your voice.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

It's in the past.

What difference does it make?

Well, I'm 34 years old?

Did it cross your
mind that I would

want this information earlier?

What for?

So you could be traumatized?

RICHARD CLAYTON: Accept.

Let go.

[dolphins chirping]

Ready, set, let go.

You OK, doc?

Oh, I'm fine, honey.

I'm better than fine, I'm good.

Honey, what are
we listening to?

Oh, it's a meditation tape.

Sea of serenity.
Soothing, isn't it?

Yeah.

RICHARD CLAYTON: So,
can you find them?

MAN: I've been doing
this for over 25 years.

Well, how does
one go about this?

In a case like this, where
there's not a lot to go on,

we generally start
by placing ads

in the papers of the town you
were found in, posting notices

and such.

If they're out there, and
they're alive, I'll find them.

Good.

Of course, the
layout is fantastic.

I wish I had that much
confidence in the publicity.

No, they're
taking care of you.

In fact, there's been
plenty of publicity

for this book signing on Monday.

In fact, they even
took out a great big ad

in today's "Tribune."

Is that the picture
they're going to use?

Yeah.

Such a stiff.

I don't really look
like that, do I?

No.

Not at all.

[phone rings]

I'm sorry.

I'll just-- one second.

Hello.

AL SPICER: Spicer here.

Good news.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Yes?

Looks like I found
your birth parents.

That's terrific.

Who are they?

A Frank and Agnes--

I may be mispronouncing
this, Man-u-re.

Yeah, Man-u-re, that
either would be French.

Where do they live?

Pekin, Illinois.

It's near Peoria.

That's just a few
hours from here.

I'm sure they'd love
to come out for a visit.

Want me to call to set this up?

Perfect.
That's perfect.

We'll have a party.

I'll introduce them to everyone.

Oh, this is a nice one.

I hope so.

Richard wants everything
to be perfect.

He gets that look on
his face if it's not.

[rapid knocking]
- Honey!

We found them!

Honey, we found them!

My parents!

[laughter]

They're going to come next week.

They're going to visit,
we're going to have a party!

We found them, I
can't believe it.

I don't know how they did it.

I have to run.

I have an appointment,
but I'll call you later.

All right!

ELLEN MINNOLA: Any
sign of them yet?

No?

Not yet.

I don't know what's
keeping them.

[doorbell rings]

You must be the Manures.

Wow, I had no idea
I was biracial,

but I've always identified with
the struggle of the black man.

And now I know why.

So dad, mom, tell
me about yourself.

I want to know everything.

Well, I graduated Berkeley
in the Summer of Love.

That's where I met your mom.

I was a slogan writer for
many of the popular protest

movements of the '60s and '70s.

Remember, save the
whales, no nukes, peace?

Sure.

Those were mine.

Wow.

And I'm the founder of the
Organization For Rethinking

Ethnocentric Opinion.

We are young.

Such good work.

You two are amazing.

And you're the son
we've always wanted.

I try, mom.

I really do.

But tell me something,
why did you give me up?

Well, it was all part of
a sociological experiment.

We wanted to see if
the child of open

minded liberal humanitarians
like ourselves could flourish

in a family of narrow minded,
hypocritical individuals

like the Clayton.

I always knew it.

And I must say that you
passed with flying colors.

Congratulations, son.

We love you.

Hey doc?

Do I look OK?

I want to make a
good impression.

Bunny, you look beautiful.

My god, they're
going to love you.

I don't know how they
could not love you.

You know, I'm the one
who should be worried.

What if I'm a
disappointment to them?

You have nothing
to worry about,

because you are a great man.

You're going to be
the best wife ever.

[bell rings]

Oh my god.

That's them.

Where's my jacket?

You're wearing it.
- Right.

OK.

Do I look OK?

You look fine.

Relax.

I'm meeting my true parents now.

What do I call
them, mom and dad?

No, just call them
Mr and Mrs Manure.

Right.

Right, of course.

Of course.

You ready to go?

Frank Manure.

You must be our son.

How the hell are you?

How the hell are you?

This is quite a moment for us.

I'm sorry, what
was that name again?

Frank

No, the part after that.

Manure.

Is French.

Ah.

Well, you must have
the wrong house.

We were expecting the Man-u-res.

Richard.

And you must be Frank, Jr.

Frank Jr?

That's him all right.

I'd recognize him anywhere.

He takes after my
side of the family.

You call them circus freaks
you come from a family?

It's better than that
white trash you come from.

- Shut the hell up.
- You shut up!

I can't believe it's really you!

FRANK MANURE: Well, we sure
got ourselves a family here.

How old are you, son, anyway?

34?

It was about that time when
I started losing my hair,

but don't let it worry
you none, because it's

a sign of virility.

By the way, when it comes
time to shop for a rug,

I know a good place.

You just tell him you're my
boy, he'll cut you a deal.

Well, why don't
we step inside?

Nothing would please us more.

Can I help you with your--

This here's a cheese ball.

I made it myself
for the occasion.

I hope you like it.

A cheese ball, very nice.

Well, back home I'm
famous for my cheese balls.

I make the best
cheese ball in town.

I can get you the
recipe if you like.

Nobody gives a damn
what the hell are you

put in that rat ball, except
for maybe the Board of Health.

The Board of Health might care.

Why don't you
shut the hell up?

(WHISPERING) He's an alcoholic.

I heard that.

We certainly
appreciate the gesture.

Anyway, thank you.

Don't we, Richard?

Richard?

[whistling]

Well, you certainly have
a beautiful place here, son.

It's got a certain
gene e se qua.

Yes, siree Bob.

You must be really
raking in the dough, son.

What's your racket, anyway?

I'm a psychologist
and a writer.

Whoa.

Well how about that?

I knew these genes was
good for something.

What do you write,son?

I write books
about psychology.

You ever write
a book about dogs?

I sure would really
like a book about a dog.

No, I can't say that I have.

If you do you, let me know.

I'll buy it.

I just can't tell you
how much Richard and I have

been looking forward to this.

I know Richard has a lot
of questions for you.

Don't you, Richard?

RICHARD CLAYTON: I don't really
even know where to begin.

You wore that damn
hair net, didn't you?

I thought I told you not to be
wearing that damn hairnet, when

we meet our boy.

Do you have any idea how ugly
you look with that damned thing

on your head?

Any idea at all?

I told you I have to work the
hairnet to keep my hairs out

of the cheese ball.

FRANK MANURE: Well I'm
going to count to three,

and when I get to three, you
better have that damned thing

off your head.

1.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Uh--

Two.

I ain't taking it off my head.

Three.

That's it.

I'm a-coming for it.

[shrieking]

All right.

Why don't we all calm down here.

I'm sure we can--

- Ooh!
- Oh, Richard.

Oh, honey.
- Are you happy now?

Are you happy now?

We just met our son
not five minutes ago

and you go beat him in the
nuts with that damn rat ball.

You're going to be all right.

Of course he's
going to be all right.

He's tough just
like his old man.

I wish I had a
nickel for every time

I was laid low by one
of them damn things.

I'd be a wealthy man.

Is there anything I can do?

Ain't you done enough already?

You're probably wondering
why we gave you up, son.

Well, it's the same old story.

You probably heard 1,000 times.

Boy meets girl, they fall
in love, girl gets pregnant,

boy gets arrested for
impersonating meat inspector.

I'm sorry, what
was that last part?

It's a long story.

We just thought that
you'd have a better

chance in life with a family
that could provide for you.

I hate to be the
one to say this,

but I think the meat in
this sauce has gone off.

It don't taste right

Oh, well actually
it's not meat.

It's seitan permesan.

Satan's what?

No, seitan.

Richard and I are vegans.

That means we don't
consume animal products.

Seitan's a form of wheat
gluten, kind of hard to explain.

Honey?

I think it's very healthy.

I'm sorry, if you don't like
it we can order out, or.

Oh no, we like it
fine, don't we Frank?

Sure.

This is probably the best
damned gluten I've ever tasted.

So, what do you do
there, for a living?

You?

Oh, you can call me dad, son.

Hmm.

Well, I worked at
the rodeo for a spell

till I got tired
of all the bull.

Get it?

Bull?

Rodeo?

That one's so old
it's got a beard.

So do you.

Anyway, after that, I took a
job at the Peekaboo Carnival.

That's where i met your mother.

But lately, I've been
selling a household

pest product door to door.

It's called Scoop.

Good stuff, that.

I got a case of it in the
car if you're interested.

Oh, thank you.

That's very thoughtful.

So y'all planning on making
us grandparents anytime soon?

Well, we have been
discussing that option.

AGNES MANURE: Going to take
more than discussing to get you

knocked up.

Please don't embarrass
me in front of my boy.

In all seriousness,
though, there

are some things you should
know about our medical history

if you're fixing to,
you know, propagate.

What do you mean?

It's just there are
some things that could

get passed on to your young.

I myself suffered from
a bacterial condition

called black foot.

Black foot?

You ever hear
of athlete's foot?

Uh-huh.

It's that times 10.

Is both chronic and incurable.

Aside from that, there
is the shrinking.

Shrinking?

Yes, ma'am.

The Manure men tend
to shrink after 40.

AGNES MANURE: And on my side
you get your mental afflictions

such as Tourette's
syndrome, schizophrenia,

and a rare condition
known as Cokie's disorder.

It's generally
characterized by dementia,

the murder impulse,
and an irrational fear

of natural fibers.

Well, if the Tourette's
syndrome ain't kicked in yet,

you're probably in the clear.

But, I'd still keep an eye
out Cokie, if I was you.

FRANK MANURE: We want
you to know, son,

it's our greatest shame that
we weren't there to raise you.

But we intend to spend
the rest of our lives

making it up to you.

You really don't have to.

Oh, no.

We insist.

You're not losing your hair.

Doc, you want to talk about it?

Talk about what?

Oh, I'm fine.

Let's just go to sleep.

let me put it this way.

It's two days, and then you
never have to see them again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's better.

[mattress squeaking]

You have got to be kidding me.

[people moaning]

FRANK MANURE: Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

I sail on a sea of serenity.

[hair dryer blowing]

Morning, son.

Sleep well?

Yeah.

Great.

See you at breakfast.

Did you see my tube
off-- oh, well there it is.

What are you doing over there?

I'm a Manure.

No, you're not, honey.

Yes I am.

I am a Manure.

No, you're a talented,
intelligent man.

It doesn't matter
where you came from.

I'm sure they have many
wonderful qualities that have

just yet to reveal themselves.

But what are we going
to do about this party?

I mean, I told everybody
that we had a big surprise.

I can't introduce these
people to everyone we know?

Good god.

Mitch would have a field day.

Oh, would you look
at them critters?

Those two are humping?

Look at that!

Look at them go.

Hey, that reminds me.

Where's that pretty
little gal of yours?

Oh, Ellen?

She's out running an errand.

I think she should
be back any minute.

[chimps playing]

Going at it.

Hi.

Can I have 2 tickets to the
Midsummer Night's Smackdown

The Rosemont Horizon please?

[dolphin sounds]

Junior, what are
we listening to?

"The Sea of Serenity" a
meditation tape that helps him

relax.

So, we have a little
surprise for you two.

Oh, yeah.

For us?

Well, we didn't really
know if you'd be interested,

but there's a big
wrestling event going on.

It's the Midsummer
Night's Smackdown.

Midsummer Night's Smackdown.

Yes.

And well, we went
ahead and got tickets.

How'd you know we
was wrestling fans?

Who isn't?

FRANK MANURE: Maybe
it runs in the family.

So the show time is at
8:00, and we'll get you a map

when we get home I'll go--

You're going to come
with us, ain't you?

Well we'd love to.

We're not able to.

We wish we could.

There's this-- it's
like a meeting thing.

You wouldn't want to be here.

It's a lot of small
talk and schmoozing--

Well, I don't mind schmoozing.

I grew up on a farm.

FRANK MANURE: It's just that
we only have the weekend,

and we was hoping
to kind of maximize

our quality time together.

Yeah, but this is
just a couple of hours.

I think.

A couple of hours, right?

You OK, mom?

You look bored.

This place is
like a funeral home.

I thought you said
it would be casual.

Well, for these
people it is casual.

[rock music playing]

Grab his shorts!

AGNES MANURE: Woo!

We should call them.

Hey!

Hey!

What?

Darling, I'm a little
bit worried about the time.

It's getting late.

Relax, it's a long program.
We have plenty of time.

We should try to
speed things along.

I mean, don't these
people have homes?

Oh, dear.

Do you happen to
know what your mother

plans to wear for the wedding?

No, I don't.

Why do you ask?

There surely must be something
in her closet with sequins?

Well, Mrs Clayton, if you
feel so strongly about it,

why don't you ask her yourself?

Well, that there's no
need to be defensive, dear.

I was just making
a suggestion.

Excuse me.

DOUG CLAYTON: So, Richard.

What was this big surprise
that you promised us tonight?

Big surprise?

Yeah.

You said you had a big surprise.

We're having a baby.

[gasping]

What?

Not now.

But she's not pregnant.

But we will.

She will be, someday.

Maybe tonight, who knows?

[nervous laughter]

DOUG CLAYTON: So,
who's up for charades?

RICHARD CLAYTON: Charades--
dad it's kind of late.

Oh, it's not even 9 o'clock.

Let's play, let's play.

[screeching car]

What the hell is this?

[backfiring]

She got knobs on her?

I was just being friendly.

You know, you've been pushing
my buttons all day long.

Really?
Well, where's the off button?

There ain't no off button.

I'm going to keep going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know what
you're selling.

But there's no peddling here.

Oh, we're not selling
anything, young man.

We just come here
to visit our son.

Your son?

Richard Clayton lives here.

That's-- that's our boy.

Frank junior.
- You mean you're--

We're his parents.

Can't you see the resemblance?

Yes.

Of course.

Hi, I'm Mitchell, Richard's--

Frank Junior's adopted brother.

Oh, why didn't you say no.

Frank Manure.

This is my wife, Agnes.

How the hell are you?

How the hell are you?

Excuse me, what
was that name again?

Frank.

No, the last name.

Manure.
It's French.

Movie.

Yeah, it's a movie.

Second word.

Terror.

Uh, horror!

Nausea.

Fear.

Is it "Cape Fear"?

It is "Cape Fear."

Yes, I'm hot tonight.

Who's next?

Richard, I always knew
you were number two,

but I never realized
you were number two.

Swish, two points.

Hey, come one.

Richard, who are those people?

Just a couple former
patients of mine.

Schizophrenic delusional.

I'll take care of it.

Well, your mother and her
big mouth goddess for us

thrown out for making a ruckus.

She started mouthing off.

I was just being
friendly to somebody.

Oh, don't give me that line.

You're flirting that usherette.

I refuse to be a
party to your delusion.

Ha.

Can't even trust
you around a plant.

Folks, I'd like to introduce
Richard's very special guests,

his birth parents, the Manures.

It's French, you know.

FRANK MANURE: Merci beaucoup.

How the hell are you?

AGNES MANURE: How
the hell are you?

What have you done?

FRANK MANURE: Well
it's such a pleasure

to meet all you fine friends
of our beloved son, Frank Jr.

That's Richard, Frank
Manure Jr. to all of us.

Yes.

You know, Frank Jr. told us
your was a bunch of stiffs.

But you all seem like
right friendly folks to me?

FRANK MANURE: Damn right.

And any friend of Frank
Jr. is a friend of ours.

By the way, all you
nice people, if you

got any problems with
critters, you just let me know.

I sell a fine
product called Scoot.

It gets rid of your ticks,
your fleas, your cockroaches,

what have you.

Just give me a buzz sometime.

Get it?

Give me a buzz.

MITCH CLAYTON: How
very thoughtful of you.

Now, how would you two like to
meet the nice couple who were

so kind as to raise Frank Jr.?

Oh, nothing would
please us more.

MITCH CLAYTON: Excellent.

Mom, dad?

This is Frank and Agnes.

Meet Douglas and Arleen Clayton.

Oh!

I want to thank you on behalf
of myself and my wife and I

for doing such a great
job with Frank Jr.

Oh, we just love him to death.

Ah, he is a fine
Christian man.

Yes, sir.

I myself am from the church
of C and E. Go ahead,

ask me for what that stands for.

C and E. Ask me
what it stands for.

All right.

What does it stand for?

Christmas and Easter.

Get it.

The Church of C and E
is Christmas and Easter.

That's an old joke.

So's your face.

Hey Clayton, how about a swap?

She may have a few
miles on her, but she

gets you where you want to go!

Does Arleen get you
where you want to go?

I'll bet she does,
you old devil.

She looks like she's got
some great suspension.

Uh, guys, this is Angela
Minnola, Ellen's mother.

Angela, the Manures.

Oh, what a pleasure.

I love your dress.

Why, thank you.

So when is that wedding
happening, anyway?

Oh, we should probably
get back to the game, right?

Who's up?

Oh, are you folks
playing a game?

Yes, we were just
playing charades.

You must join us.

Hell, yeah.

DOUG CLAYTON: All righty then.

Prepare, people.

I'm an expert at this game.

A movie.

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

Is it "Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

AGNES MANURE: Will you
let the man get started?

Will you shut the hell up?

One, "Rocket One."

"How The West Was Won."

First word.

The.

First word!

Is that the first word?

That's the first word is the.

"From Here To Eternity."

Listening?

Listening?

Is it listening?

Is it sound?

Sound.

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed?"

Is it "Mother, Jugs, and Speed."

No, no.

"American Gigolo."

Oh, we saw that at the drive in.

Whoa.

That Richard Gere.

Oh he's, hot to trot.

[panting]

We are trying to play an
intelligent game here, woman.

Wel then, maybe you
should leave the room?

A little word.

Of.

Oh, that was very nice.

Yentl.

Is it Yentl?

I think it's the
fourth word, Frank.

OK, fourth word.

What the hell is he doing now?

"Seven Year Itch."

What is?

He's holding his hands out.

Chest!

Chest!

Jugs!

"Mother, Jugs, and Speed!"

It is not "Mother,
Jugs, and Speed!"

God!

Clayton.

Excuse me, how do
you expect us to get

an answer with the quality of
the clues you're giving us?

I don't want to be
the one to say this,

but I don't think you're
cut out for this game.

AGNES MANURE: Oh, don't be
so hard on the man, Frank.

I mean, some people just
don't have the aptitude

for this sort of thing.

This is ridiculous.

You sir are an ass.

Richard, I hope you will
enjoy your real parents.

My dear.

Real nice party, Richard.

[door slams]

Whose turn is it?

You're dumb as a
shovel, ain't you?

You know, Richard things are
rarely as bad as they seem,

which makes tonight so unique.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

FRANK MANURE:
"Leaven Las Vegas."

Well, guys.

I guess this is it.

We really hate to leave.

But I guess we'll
see if the wedding.

Hey, you never
told us the date.

Oh, didn't I?

Well, that's all going
to be in the invitation.

Oh.

Good, good.

Son, I can't tell you
how proud we are of you.

OK.

We are so proud of you.

You are a fine, fine man.

And Ellen, we never
had a daughter.

But we feel like we got one now.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Yeah, the traffic really
backs up right about now.

I can honestly say
that this has been

the best two days of our lives.

We may have only spent
a weekend together,

but we've loved a lifetime.

[agnes sobbing]

RICHARD CLAYTON: Yeah,
it feels that way.

Now, you know you all
can come can visit us.

I mean, it's only a trailer,
but we'll sleep on the sofa.

I don't think that's
going to be necessary.

Goodbye, y'all.

OK, bye bye.

Bye bye.

WEATHERMAN: Tornado touched
down outside of Pekin, Illinois.

Drive safe.

WEATHERMAN: It looks the worst
to hit our area in many years.

- Did he say Pekin?
- Uh, no.

No, he didn't.

Drive carefully.

WEATHERMAN: The tornado
touched down just

outside Pekin, Illinois.

It looks like the worst one
to hit this area in years.

We are still waiting
for information--

That's our park!

That's where we live.

There's our sofa!

Where?

Up in that tree.

AGNES MANURE: Everything
we own is in that trailer?

Everything in the world!

Gone with the wind.

Well, you know the Dan
Ryan really does start

to lock up at about 5:30, so--

Richard.

We have no home to go to, son.

That's it.
- Oh, god.

This is awful.

I hope you're insured.

Oh.

No, I'm afraid not.

We ain't even
got a bank account.

I don't believe in insurance.

And I don't trust
nobody with our money,

I kept it all in the home.

Not to mention 50
cases of Scoot!

Oh, Lord!

Why should this
tragedy befall us?

AGNES MANURE: What's
going to become of us?

Is there anyone
you can stay with?

Maybe a neighbor?

It's the streets for us.

But we'll get by.

We've been in tougher scrapes
than this before, honey.

AGNES MANURE: I don't think
I can through being homeless.

I can't.

Not at my age.

Richard.

Richard, can I speak
to you for a moment?

OK.

We've got to do something.

Come on, Ellen!

I did my part.

I did the weekend.

I saw it through.

I want my life back.

What are they supposed to do?

Why can't they
live in their car?

They live in a trailer home.

That's like a big car.

I cannot believe you.

What?

You are being
completely heartless.

I mean, you are the one
who's always speaking out

on the plight of
those less fortunate,

and now you're ready to
turn your own parents out

on the street?

Please stop calling them that.

OK, OK.

I know they're a
little obnoxious,

but they really do
seem to care about you

unconditionally, which
is a lot more than I

can say for Doug and Arleen.

Wait a minute here, Doug and
Arleen Clayton are good people.

They're fine people.

They may be a tad conservative.

But they're fine people.
- Uh-huh.

Ellen, the wedding
is in two weeks.

This is the worst
possible time for this.

It will only be a few days.

The wedding is all set to go.

Come on, Richard.

Richard, you know this
is the right thing to do.

Hmm?

Right?

Uh, folks, Richard has something
you'd like to tell you.

Ellen and I just
want you to know

that you're welcome to
stay here for a few days.

Although if that makes
you uncomfortable,

then we completely understand.

What can I say, son?

You've rescued us
in our hour of need.

I guess family is the most
important bond of all.

Nothing on Earth is more
important than family.

OK.

FRANK MANURE: Oh my.

I'm so full of emotion.

So then you're not
uncomfortable with this at all

then, no.

No. this is so good.

Honey, I found
these in the garage.

They'll help you sleep.

No, I refuse to wear
earplugs in my own house.

[distant moaning]

Well, I'll say
one thing for them.

It's kind of sweet
to see a couple that

have been together for
so long that are still

so attracted to each other.

Sweet?

It's psychotic.

They're completely
oblivious to the effect

that they're having on others.

That's all right, because it's
not getting under my skin.

My feet have been a
little itchy lately.

Do you think it's black foot?

You don't have black foot.

Black foot.
It could be black foot.

Are you a podiatrist?

Stop pacing and
come back to bed.

You're making me nervous.

All right.

AGNES MANURE: Who's my daddy!

Do you mind!

You ain't got nothing
I ain't seen before.

Except a brain.

Hey, honey.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah.

So do you think they're going
to start looking for a place

today?
- Doc.

Yeah?

Could you at least
try to like them for me?

Of course.

You know me, of course.

Do I look smaller to you?

[coughing]

If you get a chance, just
remind her that there's

no smoking in the house.

FRANK MANURE: Where you
running off to, son?

Nowhere, nowhere.

Just-- I've got some
business in town.

Want to toss the
ball around a little?

No.

I mean, I would love
to, but I really--

I am running late as it is.

Oh, come on so.

All my life I dreamed about
tossing the pigskin around

on the lawn with my only son.

Huh.

Well, I can't, Frank.

I really can't.

I've got a bad shoulder, too.

You know, I dislocated
it once playing lacrosse.

That's no big deal.

I have bad knees, a bad
back, got a bad heart.

Come on, let's play a little
catch while I'm still alive.

I'm in a really good suit.

Let me just toss
to you one time.

OK, all right, one time.

And then I really have to run.

One time.

Get the camera!

Wohoo.

Here we go.

It's a dream come true, son.

Oh, that's a very fine
watch you got there.

You must be living right.

Thank you.

It was a gift.

Yes, it's a fine watch.
Fine watch.

If you ever need another
one, let me know.

Because I know a guy who
sells them wholesale out

of the back of his car.

Come on, let's go, boy.

All right.

OK.

FRANK MANURE: Oh,
looking good son.

OK.

Go long, son.

Go long.

Oh.

That was pretty good.

All right, here we go.

All right, son.

[shutter snapping]

Very nice.

You do this with Doug?

Oh, no.

Doug didn't really like
to get his hands dirty.

Well stick with me, son.

My hands is always dirty.

Hit me hard.

Come on.

Come on.

Right here.

[crunching sound]

Oh.

What happened?

I think I dislocated
my shoulder.

Hold still, I'll
pop it back for you.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You're not going
to pop anything.

Trust me.
I can do this.

I've seen "Lethal
Weapon" 10 times.

Give me that.

Pop it.

He's good at popping it in.

No, no.

Frank, no popping.

No popping!

Almost got him that time.

Here we go.

I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you!

RICHARD CLAYTON:
Stay away from me!

Do I have more hair
in this picture?

What?

Nevermind.

I just want to thank
you, Dr. Clayton.

This book really saved my life.

Could you sign it?

I'd be honored.

Well, I can't read this.

Thank you.

Richard, are you sure you're
going to be able to do this?

Yeah, yeah.

That's my boy.

Oh, they're done early.

Since when do you
read "The Star?"

Oh, it's Agnes'.

It's very interesting.

Don't they have
somewhere to go yet?

I'll gladly pay for a hotel.

I offered.

They won't take
any money from us.

They're very proud.

Proud?

What are they proud of?

200 years of inbreeding?

They broke my arm.

My book signing was a disaster.

They're actually not that
bad once you get to know them.

In fact, Frank is very
handy around the house.

Agnes gave me wonderful recipes.

Recipes for what?

Pigs feet or possum pie?

[thunder]

Hmm.

Ellen this is delicious.

What is it?

Tempo roquette with
a tofu tahini dip.

Do I have the best wife
in the world or what?

And that's not all.

I have a special
surprise for you.

Surprise?

I love surprises.

It's a cheese ball.

I made it myself
with my own two feet.

What the hell?

[laughter]

No!

Your father say you're
looking for a rug.

I can cut you a deal.

No!

No, this isn't happening.

Just shut the hell up!

Just shut the hell up!

You're not wife.

Yes, I am.

And you're my husband.

Lookie here.

Ah!

Like father, like son!

No!

No!

What's the matter?

Ain't you hungry?

Run, honey, run!

Ah!

Oh, Ellen.

I just had the worst dream!

Ah!

Son?

Agnes?

Are you OK?

I thought I heard a scream.

Yeah, I was just--

I had a nightmare.

But I'm fine.

Thank you.

Oh.

Don't cry.

Mommy is here.

OK

You know, there was a
lullaby I used to sing to you

when you were a little baby.

Uh-huh.

Would it be OK if
I sang it to you now?

And you can drift
right off to sleep?

That's-- that's not necessary.

I don't--

(SINGING) Go to
sleep my pride and joy.

That's very pretty, but--

Cause you're mama's
those precious boy.

Little angel, stay in bed.

OK.

Happy thoughts
dance in your head.

Agnes, I'm 34 years old.

Go to sleep my--

Thank you, Agnes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

My pride and joy.

There's another verse?

Point it toward me.

- Woo!
- There you go.

- There we go.
- Right there.

I'm getting it.
- You happy?

Ellen, have you seen my watch?

What watch?

My Rolex.

I can't find it.

It's just gone.

Well, when was the
last time you had it?

Last night.

I took it off, I put it on the
nightstand like I always do.

You know what?

Frank was commenting
on it yesterday.

Remember that?

He was admiring it.

Oh, Richard.

You can't be serious.

He stole my watch.

ELLEN MINNOLA: Do
you honestly think

that Frank snuck him here
in the middle of the night

and took your watch?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, he does have
a criminal record.

You have to ask yourself,
what kind of man

impersonates a meat inspector?

I've never been a sane
person in your family.

ELLEN MINNOLA: You
probably just misplaced it.

No, no, no.

I didn't misplace it, Ellen.

My father gave me that
watch, my real father.

You always told me you
thought it was too flashy.

That doesn't gives him
the right to steal it.

Bye, honey.

Be safe.

I will.

Is this the Clayton residence?

Yes it is, but there
must be some mistake.

We didn't order any meat.

Well, someone did.

Got an order here for
a Franklin Ma-nur-ia?

Man-rooey?

[frank shouting]

My prime rib is here!

Finally.
- Prime rib?

Yeah, from the Meat
of the Month club.

Where you been?

I've been waiting for
three weeks for this.

Come on, boy.
Get in there.

Right in the kitchen.

Oh, I had to move out
all that satan stuff

and make some room for it.

Come on.

Oh!

Ready, set.

Let go.

Yeah, stick it--

oh wait.

Um, Frank you want to see my
Rolex by any chance, have you?

No, I didn't, son.

That's good.

Here, sign here.

FRANK MANURE: You don't
have another like list

of meat stuff.

I'm just going
to be downstairs,

working on my new book.

Downstairs in the office.

Fine.

I'll catch you next time.

Woo.
It's hot as a pistol out there.

Woo.

I'm sweating like
a whore in church.

You ain't lying.

You know, all that suntan
lotion and naked flesh

gives a man some ideas?

Oh, yeah.

What are you getting
at, Franklin Manure?

I'm going to be getting
at you in a minute.

[agnes shrieking]

FRANK MANURE: Woohoo!

AGNES MANURE: Oh, my, honey!

Oh, honey!

[moaning]

Oh Frank.

Spank me!

Take it around a
little, it likes that.

[moaning]

FRANK MANURE: Will you stop
making them damn noises?

AGNES MANURE: Ain't you ever
going to find my g-spot?

FRANK MANURE: Would you shut the
hell up about your damn g spot?

AGNES MANURE: I think it's time
to break out the Excalibur.

FRANK MANURE: The Excalibur?

AGNES MANURE: Well,
I know I packed it.

FRANK MANURE: Let me
look through the stuff.

Just relax.

Hold on, woman.

Hold on.

[buzzing]

Sounds like buzzing.

Is that coming from you?

AGNES MANURE: That's Excalibur.

I'd know that sound anywhere.

FRANK MANURE: It's
coming from the closet.

AGNES MANURE: Frank, I think
there's somebody in there!

FRANK MANURE: I'll
go take a look.

Son!

Son?

Son?

You all right?

If you had any questions about
sex, why don't you just ask?

I don't want to talk about it.

You're still our
son no matter what.

I don't want to talk about it!

I just want you to
know we understand.

We're here for you, junior.

Son?

Son?

Your mom and I were concerned.

You're the pent up type.

You got in touch
with your emotions.

Go away!

ANGELA MINNOLA: It's beautiful.

It's not going to work.

Of course it's going to work.

No, it's not going to work.

Look how flattered
your waistline is.

Mom, I'm not talking
about the dress.

What's the matter?

I've been reevaluating
things lately.

Well, that's only
natural, honey.

This is a very big step
for the two of you.

I'm just not sure Richard
and I are right for each other.

Mommy, he always seemed so
tolerant and so compassionate.

What do you mean seemed?

Well, I just don't
understand why he's

so hard on Frank and Agnes.

I mean, I know they're
coarse, and they

can come across a little
too strong sometimes.

But I don't know, it seems like
he wrote them off from day one.

Well, he really
seems to love you.

I know he does.

When you love
somebody, you gotta

accept them for who they are.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.

Hello?

Hey, are you sitting down?

No.

Why?

The "Holly Davis Show" called.

They want you on the show
Friday to talk about your book.

Holly Davis, this Friday?

MAN: Yes!

Deepak Chopra canceled.

He got appendicitis.

That's fantastic.

I know.

Richard, this is the
break of a lifetime.

One appearance on
that show can really

put your book over the top.

I'll call you tomorrow
with the details.

Perfect, I'll
speak to you then.

Honey, that's terrific.

Just wait till
I tell my parents.

- Don't need, son.
- We heard every word.

Just last minute
thing fell in my lap,

and it looks like it
could be a very big break.

Well, congratulations Richard.

That sounds very exciting.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll be
a big hit with dissatisfied,

overweight housewives
everywhere.

Seems a bit long in
the sleeves, doesn't it?

Long, really?

Richard, your father
and I've been discussing

this we both feel very strongly
that these Manures have

got to go.

If you insist on
continuing your association

with these horrible
people, your mother and I

will not be at the wedding.

ARLEEN CLAYTON: There's
only room enough for one

set of parents in this family.

Either us, or them.

The choice is yours.

Well, I assure you they'll
be out by the wedding.

Mother.

Oh, come on.

They're fun!

[country music playing]

Excuse me, hi.

Get out of here!

Ow!

(SINGING) There's a tree
in a dark place where it's

hard to make out my
face, and it looks

to get you up against the bar.

Although my teeth are missing,
when we started kissing,

you can't tell the
difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't
tell the difference,

can't tell the
difference, you can't just

tell my difference in the dark.

Yeah!

All right.

Oh.

Son.

Whoa, everybody.

We'd like to introduce
our son, Frank Jr.

[applause]

Frank-- I want you.

These are all my friends
from the Peekaboo Carnival.

Son, these people just
been passing through,

how about you sit down
and relax with us.

No, thanks.

That's all right.

I would like to have a word
with my fiance, please.

In private.

Hey, I'm 85 years old.

Congratulations

Thank you.

- I want them out now.
- Oh, Richard.

Let's not go through this again.

No, no!

They've overstayed
their welcome,

and I want them out now.

And I want all those
people out with him.

Ellen, you had no
right to let them

throw a party without at least
consulting with me first?

Honey, I'm sorry.

They said they were going to
invite a few friends over.

I had no idea it was going
to be this elaborate.

A few?

That the entire cast of
"Hee-haw" is down there.

OK, look.

They haven't seen their
friends in a really long time.

Can we please just give them
this one little pleasure.

They said they would
wrap it up by 10.

10?

Ellen, I have a live
national television

appearance tomorrow morning.

Fine, I'll ask
them to cut it short.

No!

I've had it, and I
want them out now.

These people are a plague.

Why do you hate them so much?

Why?
Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because they are rude, they're
crude, and they're intrusive.

They're the most dysfunctional
people that I've ever met.

They're a biological
and sociological mess.

It's who they are.

You just can't stand the
thought you may be the offspring

of such common people.
- That is not true.

You know what
you are, Richard?

You're a snob!

Are you calling me a snob!

That's right.

I'm calling you a snob.

I am not a snob.

Yes you are.

You're a total snob.

Why don't you just shut up!

Huh!

You shut up!

You shut up.

Son, son.

It may not be my place to
say, but you shouldn't be

talking to your wife like that.

A man's wife should be
treated with respect.

That's right.
A man's wife--

Will you shut up, you cow?

I'm just trying to
tell him that a man's

wife is his castle.

His castle?

Yes, his castle.

If your brains
was chocolate, you

wouldn't have enough
to fill an M&M.

I'm trying to talk
some sense here,

and you're going to
mix in your metaphors.

AGNES MANURE: I'm
just trying to help.

Well you can help
by shutting up.

Get out of my house!

Get out of here!

Right now!

All of you!
Party's over!

That's right.

Not one more minute.

Not one more minute.
Out!

Out!

Party's over!

Everyone out.

Go on.

What are you, anyway?

Where do you think you're going?

I am going to my
mother's, for although she

may not be perfect, I
accept her for who she is.

Come back here!

No.

Come back here
right this second!

Not you.

Ellen!

[bear grunting]

[music playing]

Welcome back.

If you just joined us, our guest
today is Dr. Richard Clayton,

the author of a new
self-help book titled "

Ready, Set, Let Go, A
Guide To Anger Management."

[applause]

Ready, set go.

It seems kind of
simplistic, doesn't it?

Holly, I can personally
vouch for this program,

because it certainly
changed my life.

So tell me, what was
your life like before you

developed your system?

Well, I had a very, very,
difficult childhood, which

led to some quite destructive
tendencies as an adult.

I was prone to fits of rage.

Things finally came to a head
when I had a nervous breakdown

at the age of 29.

And after being arrested
for disorderly conduct

after some drunken
binges, I realized

that it was time for a change.

I stopped drinking
and eventually

completed my doctorate.

That's amazing.

It is true you haven't lost
your temper in four years?

Yeah, actually, you could
say that since I developed

these techniques, I've
definitely managed

my emotions much better.

Richard, we have a
little surprise for you.

A surprise?

HOLLY DAVIS: We know
you've come a long way.

Your family must be very proud.

So we brought your parents here
today to talk about the past

and how far you've come.

I beg your pardon.

In fact, they're here in
the studio audience right now.

Shall we bring them down?

Hey, let's bring them down.

Come on now, folks.

Please welcome
Richard's parents.

AGNES MANURE: Hello.

FRANK MANURE: Hi.

How the hell are you?

AGNES MANURE: How
the hell are you?

Good morning, America!

Wrong show, ding a ling.

Shut the hell up.

Welcome to the show.

FRANK MANURE: Hi, hi.

Pleased to know you.

I'm Frank Manure,
this is my wife Agnes,

and there's our boy.

That's him right here, Frank Jr.

There's been a
terrible mistake.

These are not my parents.

These aren't your peers?

Oh, no.

Of course we're his parents.

I mean, I know I
don't look old enough.

I mean in fact, a friend
of mine recently told me he

had the skin of a 20-year-old.

That friend mention anything
about your 50-year-old ass?

No, your name didn't come up.

[applause]

FRANK MANURE: Holly, we
are so proud of our boy.

He's a chip off the old block.

As my daddy used to say,
blood is thicker than water.

Now with all the
alcohol in yours.

You know he tried a
12 step program once.

But he got so drunk he
fell down the steps.

Pardon my wife.

She's got a mouth
like a damn 7-eleven,

it's open 24 hours a day.

I'm sorry.

I just have to set
something straight here.

These people--
you're not my parents.

My parents are Doug
and Arleen Clayton.

HOLLY DAVIS: I don't understand.

RICHARD CLAYTON:
These people are bio--

they contributed biologically.

So their biological
contributors, yes.

Technically, they
are parents of mine.

But they're not my parents.

My staff was informed
that these are your parents.

Informed?

Informed by whom?

HOLLY DAVIS: Your
brother Mitch, I believe.

At least I think he
was your brother.

FRANK MANURE:
Holly, you are going

to have to excuse our boy.

He's not himself today.

AGNES MANURE: That's right,
on account of the trouble

he's been having.

HOLLY DAVIS: Trouble?

FRANK MANURE: It's no big deal.

He's just been having
trouble with the little lady.

See, they're fixing
on tying the not.

Just let it go.

FRANK MANURE: They
had themselves

a little misunderstanding.

You should have
seem him last night.

He was like a man possessed.

Let go.

FRANK MANURE: Yeah, but
they love each other,

and I'm sure he didn't mean
to scream at her like he did.

You know--

He's a good boy.

We're so proud of him.

We are so proud of him.

He's our boy, he's our son.

AGNES MANURE: He's a good boy.

We're so--

[shouting]

FRANK MANURE:
Don't hurt the boy!

Leave the boy alone!

HOLLY DAVIS: We'll
be right back.

[shouting]

MITCH CLAYTON: Hey, Jennifer.

What about tonight?

What do you mean
you have homework?

You know, I never did homework.

Come here, you son of a bitch!

Ah!

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you!

It was a joke!

I never meant for
it to go this far!

RICHARD CLAYTON: I'll kill you!

Chill!

Don't!

It's an Italian sweater!

Don't pull on it.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, hit me.

The truth is I've always
been jealous of you.

You've done so much
with your life.

I've done nothing.

I guess that's why I've always
been such a prick to you.

Swish, two points.

[mitch groaning]

Wow.

MAN: There was chaos on the set
of a holiday Davis show as one

of the guests went berserk.

Dr. Richard Clayton, author
of a book on anger management,

blew his top during a taping
of a popular TV talk show,

attacking his own parents on
camera before a live audience.

I guess he should have called
his book "Ready, Set, Go Nuts."

TV: And now, back to
"Mother, Jugs, and Speed."

Well, there's good news
and there's bad news.

Bad news is your publisher
called, they want to drop you.

The book tour has been canceled.

Kmart has decided to
stop carrying the book.

The good news?

You've been invited
to be on Jerry Springer.

Really at my wit's end, dad.

Ellen's gone back to
her mother, and I'd

like to come back to stay for
a couple of days, if I could.

Just to get my head straight.

Richard, this is
really not a good time.

We have guests.

This is your mess, son.

You're going to have to
deal with it yourself.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Oh, Agnes, you
really don't have to do that.

It's the least we can do, you
letting us stay here and all.

You mean, it's the
least I could do.

All you've done is
sit there on your tail

eating all her damn Mallomars.

Shut your hole.

Still no answer.

We just feel
terrible about this.

I mean, Mitch told us it was
going to help his career.

Oh, sugar.

Is one little
argument worth thrown

a whole wedding over for?

I just can't see
myself spending the rest

of my life with him anymore.

I feel like he's not the
man I thought he was.

Maybe you ought to go over
there and see if he's OK.

Because he won't talk to us.

[agnes sobbing]

Aw, honey.

Richard?

[crunching glass]

Richard?

[dolphin sounds]

Oh, hi Ellen.

I didn't-- I didn't
hear you come in.

Maybe you can give me a hand.

I'm making a cheese ball.

Uh, it's a lot
harder than it looks.

I tried to call you but you--

Richard, is that meat?

Mm.

Barbecue pork.

It's meat of the month.

Little read meat is not
so bad, time to time.

Honey, what are you
doing to yourself?

I'm accepting my
heritage, Ellen.

You know, I've had this thing
all wrong from the beginning.

Why fight it?

I'm a Manure.

OK, you know what?

No.

What difference does it make?

I'm ruined anyway.

This is not the man I know.

No.

You knew Richard Clayton.

I'm Frank Manure, Jr.
How the hell are you?

Richard.

This is crazy.

Well, runs in the family.

OK, well what about our plans?

We're supposed to get married?

We're supposed to--

And do what?

Bring more Manures in the world?

More Kokie Syndrome?

More Blackfoot?

[scratching sound]

No.

Thank you very much.

These genes stop here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
have a cheese ball to make.

Well, fine.

If that's the way
you feel about it.

Then you should have this back.

Goodbye.

That's how I know.

I'll be fine.

I'm in complete
control of my emotions.

Ready, set.

Mom, he's so far gone
I don't know what to do.

What happened?

He's a drunken wreck.

It's like like he's
totally given up.

He's even eating meat.

Richard is eating meat?

Yes.

Red meat.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Well,
he's not himself.

It's the fear of commitment.

It's the pressure.

ELLEN MINNOLA: No,
no, no, no it's not.

It's the Manures.

He blames them for everything.

ANGELA MINNOLA: Aw, baby.

It's all right.

It's all right now.

It's all.

[doorbell rings]

Go away!

[crunching glass]

Get off my property.

We just come to
get our things, son.

We won't be a minute.

Good news.

We're leaving.

The Peekaboo Carnival just
offered us our old jobs back.

All right.

Stay there, I'll get it.

There's your stuff.

Now Just. go away.

You didn't happen to
see my silver locket

laying around, did you?

It's shaped like a heart.

No.

Goodbye.

Just a second, son.

RICHARD CLAYTON:
What do you want?

We would like to speak to
you for a minute, if we could.

Just one more time, then we'd
be out of your hair for good.

I promise.

I think what we have to say,
you'll be very interested in.

I don't quite know
how to say this.

Might as well just tell him.

Would you please
just get to the point?

We're not really
your parents, son.

What?

See, we always wanted
kids, but we never

could have any of
our own, and then

we saw that ad in the
paper, and we figured

well, let's give it a shot.

No, you can't be serious.

We had to do some fancy
talking around that detective,

but we're smarter than we look.

We never meant no harm.

So you mean to tell me that
this past week, this entire

ordeal, was all based on a lie?

We realize now it was
wrong, and we are very sorry.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Sorry?

You're sorry?

You ruined my life.

I could have you
arrested for this!

I told you.

Well, son.

That's your choice.

But then we would have to stick
around for the trial and all.

Otherwise, we'll just
get out of your hair.

Perhaps you're
right, Mr. Manure,

if that is your real name, which
I hope for your sake to God

that it is not.

When I think of poor,
sweet, trusting, Ellen,

defending the two of you, wait
till I tell her about this.

You are the lowest people
that I have ever met.

And I see you around here
again, I will call the police.

Goodbye and good riddance.

ELLEN MINNOLA: I just
can't believe they

would do something like that.

They seemed so genuine.

I mean, they seemed like
they really cared about you.

Can we talk in private
just for a second?

I was headed upstairs.

Mom, we'll be down in a minute.

Well, I guess they
fooled both of us, huh?

But you know, this
doesn't change the way

that you treated them, Richard.

You didn't even
know they weren't

your parents at the time.

You really-- you really betrayed
the values I thought we shared.

You're right.

Ellen, I'm ashamed of
the way that I acted.

Most of all, I'm ashamed to the
way that I acted towards you.

I just-- I couldn't accept
the fact that I could--

that I could have come
from people like that.

And I've paid a huge price
for it, and not my career.

I got what I deserved there.

But Ellen, I don't want
to lose you over this.

You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

What happened to your watch?

I stopped wearing it.

it's too flashy.

It's really not me.

Doc.

Yeah, buddy.

Well, the
rehearsal went great.

It's going to be
a lovely wedding.

Thank heavens those horrible
people are finally gone.

ARLEEN CLAYTON: We should
be so glad those people

aren't your real parents.

I mean, can you imagine being
stuck with people like that

the rest of your life?

They're just lucky you
didn't have them arrested.

To the Manures, who could
not be with us tonight.

I can only say, thanks .

ARLEEN CLAYTON: Cheers, cheers.

I hear this caterer
we're using is wonderful.

DOUG CLAYTON: The
Coolidges used them

for their daughters' wedding.

RICHARD CLAYTON:
Lovely to see you.

ARLEEN CLAYTON:
Good night, Richard.

You OK, doc?

You seem like you have
something on your mind.

No.

You're not having
second thoughts, are you?

No, absolutely not.

Good.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Be safe.

Ivesdale.

[music playing]

AGNES MANURE: Step right up.

FRANK MANURE: Step right up.

Step right up, win
yourself a prize.

Tip them over.

Knock over the milk cans
and win yourself a big prize.

You son, you look like
you could throw a ball.

How about winning a prize
for the pretty young lady.

Got a lot of nice prizes.

All right, three balls for $5.

Thank you.

There you go, lay into it son.

Oh.

Almost.

Little lower and
to the left there.

Oh, no.

Here you go.

You've got to really
lay your arm in to it.

You ain't trying hard enough.

Oh, too bad.

This is a ripoff.

Oh, you want to try again?

I bet I can knock
you over easy enough.

Well son, since you're
being such a good sport,

we want to give you
a consolation prize.

Honey, dear?

Give him one of the
consolation prizes.

A real nice doggy for
the young lady in pink.

Here you go.

Treat the pink,
your cotton candy.

Thank you.

OK, mingle up.

Thank you very much.

Real smart, Pop Tart.

First day back to work, you're
already blowing the profits.

You know, you can save me
some money on a costume

by working at the
house of horrors.

Really?

You want to see some
horrors, monkey butt,

I'll show you some horrors.

FRANK MANURE: Monkey butt?

AGNES MANURE: Monkey butt.

FRANK MANURE: Shut up.

AGNES MANURE: You
better shut up.

I'd like to play.

Actually, I just wanted to
give your locket back, mom.

Why did you lie to me?

You said that your problems
started when we showed up,

so we just figured the best
thing to do was to go away.

So you gave me up
for my own good?

Again.

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course.

You're our son.

You're our baby boy.

Hey.

Come on, boy.

Hey, you still want
to come to my wedding?

Oh, nothing would
give us more pleasure.

Hey, when is that
wedding, anyway?

It's about an hour and a half.

Where is he?

He should have been
here an hour ago.

I wouldn't worry about it.

He'll show up.

FRANK MANURE: Whoa.

Here we go That's a good spot.

Don't be nervous, son.

Oh, you look so handsome.

I can't believe I'm
actually doing this.

All I can say, son, is it if
Ellen makes you half as happy

as Agnes has made me
throughout the years,

then you'll only be half
as miserable as I am now.

Don't make me whip your
butt in front of a church.

Well, I better get in there.

Wish me luck.

Good luck, son.

Oh, you're going to be fun.

FRANK MANURE: Don't
forget to say I do.

All right, I'll
see you in there.

Kids.

They grow up so fast.

[organ music playing]

Hi, hello everybody.

Thank you for coming.

Weddings are a time
when we come together

to celebrate new family.

As many of you know, I've
recently had some additions

to my own family.

I'm very proud to introduce to
you two special guests of mine,

who don't appear in your
program, my birth parents,

Frank and Agnes Manure.

Please, welcome.

[applause]

[organ playing]

Look so pretty.

Thank you.

I'll explain later.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered

together to unite this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.

FRANK MANURE: Is it--

Is it on?

AGNES MANURE: Well,
the red light's on,

means the camera's running.

Wait a minute, what's this?

Oh.

FRANK MANURE: Here we are
at the maternity ward,

waiting to find--

Oh my god.

Please.

What are you going?

Oh, no no.

FRANK MANURE: What do
you got hanging there?

Oh, stop that.

Oh, here we go.

I love you.

I'm just so happy,
and so excited

about Richard and my daughter.

Watch it, Spielberg.

And now for the horror
portion of our program.

You better watch what you
you're doing with that camera,

or else you're going to
find some extra footage

where the sun don't shine.

So, anybody want to
come in and say hello?

[cheering]

Oh my.

I'd like you to meet
little Rufus Clayton.

RICHARD CLAYTON: Let
me take the camera.

Here.

Angela how do you feel
about being a grandmother?

He looks like a Harvard man.

Oh no, Yale.

FRANK MANURE: Papa
Clayton passing by,

for crying out loud.

All right, I know.

Oh my god.

AGNES MANURE: He
looks just like you.

Don't he look like me?

All wrinkled and short
with his mouth wide open.

Don't mind her, she's
the first one in her family

born in captivity.

There you go.

Oh!

FRANK MANURE:
There you go, papa.

All right, papa.

Oh yeah, he's a
manure all right.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Now I've never
been mistookin for someone

who's good lookin,
but I'd like to take

you walking through the park.

Although I know I ain't
pretty, don't go from the city,

you can't tell the
difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't
tell the difference,

can't tell the difference.

You can't tell the
difference in that dark.

Although you're above
me, still you're

going to love me cause
you just can't tell

the difference and the dark.

There's a tree out in
a dark place, where it's

hard to make out my
face, and I'd love

to get you up against the bark.

Although my teeth
might be missing,

when we started
kissing, you can't tell

the difference in the dark.

Oh no you can't
tell the difference,

can't tell the
difference, you can't tell

the difference in the dark.

Although I ain't
dreamy, you ain't

going to see me, because
you just can't tell

the difference in the dark.

No you just can't tell the
difference in the dark.

[music playing]