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1
00:00:57,145 --> 00:00:59,147
Look, honey,
at that beautiful funeral.
2
00:00:59,279 --> 00:01:00,748
I've never seen so many flower.
3
00:01:00,882 --> 00:01:02,550
Yeah, he was a nice man too,
4
00:01:02,682 --> 00:01:04,184
but never had any fun.
5
00:01:04,318 --> 00:01:06,820
Didn't have time.
Just worked and made money.
6
00:01:06,954 --> 00:01:09,123
He didn't even have time
to enjoy himself.
7
00:01:09,255 --> 00:01:10,525
Poor man.
8
00:01:45,758 --> 00:01:47,493
Fucking. How fucking excited
9
00:01:47,627 --> 00:01:48,895
are you right fucking now?
10
00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:50,163
Whoa, Karen.
11
00:01:50,297 --> 00:01:51,737
I am like physically
fucking shaking,
12
00:01:51,832 --> 00:01:53,734
- I'm so fucking excited.
- Hey!
13
00:01:53,867 --> 00:01:55,787
I'm like wetter than that time
I dragged you guys
14
00:01:55,837 --> 00:01:57,171
to see magic Mike in the imax.
15
00:01:57,305 --> 00:01:59,407
Karen, you're on speaker phone
with the boys.
16
00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:01,041
Whoops? Your boys?
17
00:02:01,174 --> 00:02:02,477
Hi, boys!
18
00:02:02,609 --> 00:02:05,011
Don't be a potty mouth
like your aunty k, okay?
19
00:02:05,478 --> 00:02:07,947
So, Pam figure out
this fiasco yet?
20
00:02:08,082 --> 00:02:10,084
Nope. She's closing
a huge deal today,
21
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,186
only been home to shower
and sleep all week.
22
00:02:12,319 --> 00:02:13,588
Good.
23
00:02:13,721 --> 00:02:15,890
Because Doug bought
a case of red fire.
24
00:02:16,022 --> 00:02:17,858
Isn't that the stuff
that makes you poop red?
25
00:02:17,991 --> 00:02:20,026
Fortunately, I only go
once every other week.
26
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:21,562
- Like on purpose?
- Help me!
27
00:02:21,695 --> 00:02:23,063
No, not on purpose.
28
00:02:23,197 --> 00:02:25,231
Midlife hormones are a real drag
on digestion.
29
00:02:25,366 --> 00:02:27,335
Like you know those concretes
from dairy queen?
30
00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:30,270
Where you turn them upside down
and nothing comes out?
31
00:02:30,403 --> 00:02:32,206
- It's like one of those.
- Oh.
32
00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,709
So, how are you gonna get Pam
in that dress?
33
00:02:35,009 --> 00:02:36,678
No clue. Any suggestions?
34
00:02:36,811 --> 00:02:39,447
Well. Any bad decision
I ever made in my life
35
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,915
involved vodka,
so I would start there.
36
00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:43,850
Oh, and Mike!
37
00:02:43,985 --> 00:02:45,620
Do not forget to go
to the bakery
38
00:02:45,753 --> 00:02:47,087
and pick up that cake.
39
00:02:47,221 --> 00:02:49,890
Don't forget the cake.
Don't forget the cake.
40
00:02:50,023 --> 00:02:52,225
Hey, you're kids
are screaming in there.
41
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,528
Settle down,
there's no dogs in there.
42
00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:56,230
Have a lollipop.
43
00:03:00,902 --> 00:03:02,970
We have been working
on this deal for months.
44
00:03:03,103 --> 00:03:05,672
This call has taken
three and a half hours
45
00:03:05,807 --> 00:03:07,475
on a Saturday.
46
00:03:07,608 --> 00:03:09,043
Let's... get it done.
47
00:03:09,176 --> 00:03:12,180
So what do you say, Larry?
48
00:03:12,479 --> 00:03:14,948
For $1,600 we sign
on the dotted line right now.
49
00:03:15,082 --> 00:03:17,318
I've got a better idea, Richard.
50
00:03:17,450 --> 00:03:19,386
How about
you do down to the site,
51
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:20,854
pull down your Armani's,
52
00:03:20,987 --> 00:03:22,490
and run one them willows
up your ass,
53
00:03:22,623 --> 00:03:24,666
because that's exactly
what you're trying to do to me.
54
00:03:24,690 --> 00:03:26,027
Guys.
55
00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:27,527
Oh go fuck yourself, Larry.
56
00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:28,962
Hang on a second here.
57
00:03:29,096 --> 00:03:30,931
Let's all just take
a deep breath
58
00:03:31,064 --> 00:03:32,765
and reconvene
in a couple of hours.
59
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,267
Yeah, we'll circle back
60
00:03:34,401 --> 00:03:36,370
when you catch
a fucking clue, Richard.
61
00:03:36,503 --> 00:03:39,207
Okay, great. Pam,
are you good with that?
62
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:40,874
Totally agree, let's, uh...
63
00:03:42,241 --> 00:03:43,544
Let's circle back.
64
00:03:44,177 --> 00:03:45,779
C... circle back.
65
00:04:08,134 --> 00:04:09,736
I'm so sorry. I don't think
66
00:04:09,871 --> 00:04:12,073
I'm gonna be able
to make the game today.
67
00:04:12,372 --> 00:04:13,640
Nah, it's okay. It's t-ball.
68
00:04:13,773 --> 00:04:15,451
The kids hardly know
they're making the game.
69
00:04:15,475 --> 00:04:17,110
How are the boys? Can I say hi?
70
00:04:17,244 --> 00:04:19,379
Yeah. Yeah, uh...
71
00:04:19,512 --> 00:04:21,014
Gimme...
72
00:04:21,749 --> 00:04:22,749
Yes.
73
00:04:22,817 --> 00:04:23,817
How are my dudes?
74
00:04:23,951 --> 00:04:25,787
Daddy left us in the car.
75
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,722
Okay, you're a funny boy.
76
00:04:28,122 --> 00:04:30,057
Alright. Go, walk to the field.
77
00:04:30,523 --> 00:04:33,327
- Here's your other.
- Hi. Hey, buddy.
78
00:04:34,261 --> 00:04:35,296
Whatcha playing?
79
00:04:37,663 --> 00:04:39,233
Worst mother ever.
80
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,001
He doesn't even
wanna talk to me. Look.
81
00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:43,370
Look he's gonna dance
with an iPad on his wedding day.
82
00:04:43,504 --> 00:04:44,504
Hey, babe.
83
00:04:44,538 --> 00:04:46,240
Right now, it's like this.
84
00:04:46,372 --> 00:04:47,807
Close the deal,
85
00:04:47,942 --> 00:04:50,311
and then we'll slowly
reintroduce you to the kids.
86
00:04:50,444 --> 00:04:52,480
Oh, thanks. That's so sweet.
87
00:05:40,194 --> 00:05:41,663
Oh!
88
00:05:43,596 --> 00:05:45,699
Almost done.
89
00:05:46,434 --> 00:05:47,669
Either of you smoke?
90
00:05:53,372 --> 00:05:54,841
Okay.
91
00:05:55,942 --> 00:05:58,111
I'm just shooting corporate
an email.
92
00:05:58,245 --> 00:06:00,781
See if we can get that quote
a little lower.
93
00:06:09,122 --> 00:06:10,122
Balls.
94
00:06:17,863 --> 00:06:18,863
We're good.
95
00:06:19,199 --> 00:06:20,866
All right, here we go, 25.
96
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,969
Let's take it
for a ride, big boy.
97
00:06:25,439 --> 00:06:27,707
Yes! Go! Go!
98
00:06:27,841 --> 00:06:29,110
Whoo!
99
00:06:30,677 --> 00:06:32,879
Take two! Take two!
100
00:06:33,314 --> 00:06:34,749
Go, dude!
101
00:06:37,750 --> 00:06:39,352
Now come three. Come three!
102
00:06:43,757 --> 00:06:45,126
Get dirty!
103
00:06:45,459 --> 00:06:47,194
Don't get dirty. Yeah!
104
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:48,895
Safe!
105
00:07:09,081 --> 00:07:11,317
All right. So you feeling
a little better?
106
00:07:11,451 --> 00:07:12,451
Okay, great.
107
00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:16,424
I'm checking her cognitive
function, costillo. It's fine.
108
00:07:18,458 --> 00:07:19,458
How's she look?
109
00:07:19,826 --> 00:07:21,329
Let's get that gatorade.
110
00:07:21,995 --> 00:07:24,297
- Come here.
- Yay, I've won a game.
111
00:07:24,430 --> 00:07:27,300
Yeah. You've got a good game,
go, go, go.
112
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:28,434
Hi.
113
00:07:28,668 --> 00:07:29,902
Chip off the old block.
114
00:07:30,036 --> 00:07:32,338
Yeah, let's hope his arm
stays attached.
115
00:07:32,973 --> 00:07:34,641
How in the heck did he get
116
00:07:34,774 --> 00:07:36,976
bubblegum stuck inside his ear?
117
00:07:37,476 --> 00:07:38,879
Oh! Look at that.
118
00:07:39,913 --> 00:07:41,981
I used to watch
your daddy play here.
119
00:07:42,382 --> 00:07:44,418
I probably saw
every game he played.
120
00:07:44,552 --> 00:07:47,087
- Until he got drafted.
- What's drafted?
121
00:07:47,221 --> 00:07:49,622
- That's a great question.
- What's drafted? Yeah.
122
00:07:49,757 --> 00:07:51,057
Great game today, Charlie.
123
00:07:51,191 --> 00:07:53,060
Sorry, we're just
in a bit of rush.
124
00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:56,163
So did you hear?
Coach Miller is retiring.
125
00:07:56,295 --> 00:07:58,899
- I didn't.
- Yeah. Search is on.
126
00:07:59,033 --> 00:08:01,669
Maybe you could
throw your name in the hat?
127
00:08:02,136 --> 00:08:04,872
Yeah, that's a big jump
from t-ball.
128
00:08:05,605 --> 00:08:06,605
Hey, Levi!
129
00:08:06,706 --> 00:08:08,341
I heard you're pitching today?
130
00:08:08,942 --> 00:08:10,210
I, I am.
131
00:08:10,343 --> 00:08:13,379
You got this, man. Stay strong.
132
00:08:14,081 --> 00:08:15,247
Good to see you, Charlie.
133
00:08:15,382 --> 00:08:16,917
- Tell your dad hi.
- Will do.
134
00:08:17,317 --> 00:08:18,918
- And call the coach!
- Yeah.
135
00:08:22,622 --> 00:08:23,956
Kids, close your eyes.
136
00:08:24,091 --> 00:08:26,326
Dad is not doing anything.
Close those eyes.
137
00:08:32,066 --> 00:08:34,235
Dad is not texting.
138
00:08:55,255 --> 00:08:56,255
Hey.
139
00:08:56,655 --> 00:08:58,124
Happy birthday.
140
00:09:03,029 --> 00:09:04,029
Yeah.
141
00:09:04,364 --> 00:09:06,133
Called in a sitter
for this place?
142
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:08,435
Don't worry.
Don't worry. I got you.
143
00:09:08,835 --> 00:09:09,835
Beautiful light.
144
00:09:09,870 --> 00:09:11,304
Wow.
145
00:09:13,807 --> 00:09:16,177
Ah, thank you so much. Wow.
146
00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:18,078
- Good?
- Yep.
147
00:09:18,479 --> 00:09:20,547
- All right. Deal closed?
- Uh, no.
148
00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:24,051
You said the deal
was gonna be closed
149
00:09:24,183 --> 00:09:25,863
- on the first of the
month, it's the first
150
00:09:25,986 --> 00:09:27,363
of the month. Yeah.
That was the plan.
151
00:09:27,387 --> 00:09:28,955
Until two billionaires
with egos the
152
00:09:29,089 --> 00:09:30,490
size of mount
kiliman-fucking-jaro
153
00:09:30,624 --> 00:09:32,893
decided to put a pause
on a $46 million deal
154
00:09:33,025 --> 00:09:34,627
over two trees
that were left off,
155
00:09:34,762 --> 00:09:36,163
mistakenly, on the survey.
156
00:09:41,902 --> 00:09:43,271
Choo-choo.
157
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:47,908
Thank you.
158
00:09:51,477 --> 00:09:53,447
- How are the boys?
- Ah, well,
159
00:09:53,580 --> 00:09:55,514
since the last time
you saw them. Let's see.
160
00:09:55,648 --> 00:09:56,984
Macguire started shaving
161
00:09:57,116 --> 00:09:58,894
and the toddler
joined the merchant marines, so.
162
00:09:58,918 --> 00:10:02,221
No, they're good. I read them,
bathed them, fed them.
163
00:10:02,355 --> 00:10:03,689
Uh. Hey.
164
00:10:03,823 --> 00:10:06,692
Sitter came early. Said we could
stay out as late as we want.
165
00:10:06,826 --> 00:10:08,628
Haha, I wish.
166
00:10:09,196 --> 00:10:10,797
I mean,
this deal is, like, next level.
167
00:10:10,931 --> 00:10:14,067
My year-end bonus means
that we can finally put a dent
168
00:10:14,201 --> 00:10:15,402
in paying off law school,
169
00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:17,603
start the 529
for the kids' college.
170
00:10:17,738 --> 00:10:20,674
I mean, the kids are, like,
eight years old combined.
171
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:23,476
We should've started
when they were born, Mike.
172
00:10:23,976 --> 00:10:25,278
All right. Look, babe.
173
00:10:26,513 --> 00:10:29,350
I don't understand
anything that you do,
174
00:10:30,051 --> 00:10:32,686
but I get why you do it.
And, honey, I...
175
00:10:33,153 --> 00:10:35,555
I see you, I believe in you.
176
00:10:35,688 --> 00:10:36,688
And I...
177
00:10:38,124 --> 00:10:39,625
Got to answer that text?
178
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:41,193
Sorry. I just...
179
00:10:41,494 --> 00:10:44,230
Don't get a whole lot of
real life adult interaction.
180
00:10:44,364 --> 00:10:47,133
And yet, here we are,
in real life.
181
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:49,537
Two adults, interacting.
182
00:10:51,839 --> 00:10:53,240
Listen. I was thinking.
183
00:10:53,374 --> 00:10:55,743
When the deal closes,
which it will,
184
00:10:56,409 --> 00:10:58,611
what if, you and I,
185
00:10:59,144 --> 00:11:00,144
take a trip?
186
00:11:00,212 --> 00:11:01,581
Just the two of us, no kids.
187
00:11:02,482 --> 00:11:04,984
Couple days
on the bourbon trail.
188
00:11:05,318 --> 00:11:06,486
That sounds...
189
00:11:14,794 --> 00:11:16,028
Busy day?
190
00:11:16,163 --> 00:11:17,763
They wanted to wish you
a happy birthday.
191
00:11:17,864 --> 00:11:19,367
Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.
192
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:21,735
Oh.
193
00:11:23,336 --> 00:11:24,403
This is work.
194
00:11:24,538 --> 00:11:25,538
Mmm-hm.
195
00:11:26,907 --> 00:11:28,609
Okay. I, uh, I'm starving.
196
00:11:28,743 --> 00:11:31,545
Please order me something.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
197
00:11:31,678 --> 00:11:33,547
- Okay. What would you like?
- Oh, god.
198
00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:35,749
I can't make
another decision today. Um.
199
00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:37,518
No chicken, no beef.
200
00:11:37,650 --> 00:11:40,020
Uh, nothing too starchy.
No dairy.
201
00:11:40,153 --> 00:11:42,255
Just veggies,
but not drowning in sauce.
202
00:11:42,389 --> 00:11:44,658
Okay, so basically air,
medium-rare.
203
00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:46,360
- You got me.
- Got it.
204
00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:51,632
Where are you?
205
00:11:51,764 --> 00:11:53,734
We're gonna order
when she gets back. Thank you.
206
00:11:53,868 --> 00:11:55,369
Don't you dare eat.
207
00:11:55,735 --> 00:11:58,304
My taco guy has been cooking
for, like, tres fucking dÃas.
208
00:11:58,438 --> 00:12:00,439
Karen, the deal didn't close.
209
00:12:00,573 --> 00:12:02,675
She promised the deal
would be closed today,
210
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:05,612
and it didn't. She has to work
all night. We are fucked!
211
00:12:05,745 --> 00:12:08,648
Oh, no, no, no, buddy.
This party has already set sail.
212
00:12:08,782 --> 00:12:11,051
The only thing you need to do
is get her in that dress.
213
00:12:11,183 --> 00:12:12,851
Well, how exactly do I do that?
214
00:12:12,985 --> 00:12:14,520
I don't know, Mike.
215
00:12:14,855 --> 00:12:17,257
Maybe convince her
it's something kinky.
216
00:12:17,624 --> 00:12:18,624
Get here.
217
00:12:18,991 --> 00:12:21,761
Richard, I peed
in my office for you. Okay?
218
00:12:21,895 --> 00:12:23,764
I was on the phone
with you all day long,
219
00:12:23,897 --> 00:12:26,232
I realized I never
wished you happy birthday.
220
00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:27,900
- Thank you.
- Now, that's said.
221
00:12:28,034 --> 00:12:32,773
But while I have you, what if e
buy the seller's stock?
222
00:12:32,905 --> 00:12:33,773
Wait.
223
00:12:33,907 --> 00:12:35,242
Repaper on a Saturday?
224
00:12:35,975 --> 00:12:38,678
Wait. You want me
to recreate 150 pages
225
00:12:38,812 --> 00:12:41,215
so you can assume
the guy's debt?
226
00:12:41,347 --> 00:12:42,348
Is that bad?
227
00:12:42,482 --> 00:12:44,617
Yes, yes, it's very bad.
228
00:12:45,318 --> 00:12:47,219
Okay, look. I'm gonna go eat.
229
00:12:47,586 --> 00:12:49,756
I'll call you in an hour. Okay?
230
00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:53,626
- I want to stop, but we...
- Okay, I'm hanging up now.
231
00:12:54,995 --> 00:12:57,264
- Hey.
- Aw, thanks.
232
00:12:58,499 --> 00:12:59,666
What are you doing?
233
00:12:59,799 --> 00:13:01,567
I'd like to open my gift
with dessert,
234
00:13:01,701 --> 00:13:04,370
- if you don't mind.
- Actually, I kind of do mind.
235
00:13:04,504 --> 00:13:05,739
Well, I'm starving.
236
00:13:05,873 --> 00:13:07,575
Please. It would really
mean a lot to me.
237
00:13:08,707 --> 00:13:09,707
Okay.
238
00:13:16,115 --> 00:13:17,549
Is that my prom dress?
239
00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:19,952
Nope,
it's your homecoming dress.
240
00:13:20,253 --> 00:13:21,589
Uh, I'm confused.
241
00:13:21,721 --> 00:13:23,856
Well, your mom had to throw away
your prom dress
242
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,125
because of the slab lake.
You know it got moldy.
243
00:13:26,259 --> 00:13:27,827
No, no, I'm confused
why you're giving
244
00:13:27,961 --> 00:13:29,696
me my homecoming
dress on my birthday.
245
00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:31,831
Oh, don't worry.
I got is resized.
246
00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:34,100
Oh, cool. Thank for
clarifying that necessity.
247
00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:35,935
And why? Why did we resize this?
248
00:13:36,068 --> 00:13:37,570
Oh, because I think
249
00:13:37,703 --> 00:13:39,739
you were the sexiest
homecoming queen I ever saw
250
00:13:39,873 --> 00:13:42,975
and I wanna make love to you
tonight in it again.
251
00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:45,245
Oh, okay. Wow.
252
00:13:45,946 --> 00:13:46,946
I knew it.
253
00:13:48,347 --> 00:13:49,915
You're having a mid-life crisis.
254
00:13:50,549 --> 00:13:53,285
I wouldn't exactly call it
a crisis, but come on.
255
00:13:53,419 --> 00:13:55,389
Why don't you just
get in there and...
256
00:13:56,023 --> 00:13:57,023
Put it on.
257
00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:01,261
Are you having a stroke?
258
00:14:01,394 --> 00:14:02,696
What? No.
259
00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:04,230
Pam.
260
00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:07,200
Go back to the bathroom
and put on that dress.
261
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,635
No, you go to the bathroom
and put on the frickin' dress.
262
00:14:09,769 --> 00:14:11,904
Come on, what's more fun
than a little role playing?
263
00:14:12,038 --> 00:14:14,640
Oh, my god. If this is
some fifty shades thing,
264
00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:17,476
you know, you know
that that is not my jam.
265
00:14:19,812 --> 00:14:21,215
Uh. Just the cheque, please.
266
00:14:21,347 --> 00:14:22,982
I thought you ordered.
I'm starving.
267
00:14:23,115 --> 00:14:25,485
Just the cheque. Thank you.
268
00:14:26,119 --> 00:14:27,119
Mike.
269
00:14:27,452 --> 00:14:28,621
What is happening?
270
00:14:28,754 --> 00:14:31,192
You are freaking me out
right now.
271
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,930
All of our friends,
and I mean all of them,
272
00:14:36,062 --> 00:14:37,730
are around the corner
at a banquet hall,
273
00:14:37,865 --> 00:14:40,100
waiting for you
to arrive in this dress.
274
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:41,847
Karen and I,
under the impression
275
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:43,647
that your deal would
be done today, the today
276
00:14:43,671 --> 00:14:45,072
you promised
it would be done by,
277
00:14:45,205 --> 00:14:47,574
decided to throw you
a surprise '80s prom party.
278
00:14:47,707 --> 00:14:49,543
I thought
it was just you and me tonight.
279
00:14:49,676 --> 00:14:51,778
I specifically said,
please, whatever you do...
280
00:14:51,912 --> 00:14:54,281
Pam, don't say it,
it's too late.
281
00:14:55,783 --> 00:14:57,850
I just, I just wanna go home.
282
00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:01,388
I wanna eat, go home,
make sexy time, and work.
283
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,189
Do you not
wanna make sexy time with me?
284
00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:05,725
Of course
I wanna make sexy time with you.
285
00:15:05,859 --> 00:15:06,893
After the party.
286
00:15:07,226 --> 00:15:08,794
- Michael.
- Pamela.
287
00:15:08,928 --> 00:15:11,264
- Mike.
- Pam.
288
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:17,837
- Can I at least get other shoes?
- We don't have time.
289
00:15:17,971 --> 00:15:21,207
I look like I'm going to, like,
a pilgrim prom.
290
00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:22,475
You look great.
291
00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:29,950
Shut your pie holes!
They're here!
292
00:15:33,286 --> 00:15:34,455
I got this!
293
00:15:35,754 --> 00:15:38,458
Evening, folks.
Welcome to the Polish American
294
00:15:38,591 --> 00:15:39,992
- veteran society.
- Thank you.
295
00:15:40,125 --> 00:15:43,297
- Oh, god. What are you doing?
- All right. Okay.
296
00:15:47,232 --> 00:15:48,600
What is happening?
297
00:15:49,936 --> 00:15:53,306
Oh, looks like Tom Cruise
is ready to have a good time.
298
00:15:53,438 --> 00:15:54,540
There we go.
299
00:15:56,375 --> 00:15:58,978
Dam-din-de-de-de-de.
300
00:16:09,089 --> 00:16:10,356
Surprise!
301
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:12,759
Happy motherfucking birthday!
302
00:16:13,293 --> 00:16:14,827
Look at Pam!
303
00:16:15,461 --> 00:16:18,497
Wow. What a surprise.
304
00:16:18,630 --> 00:16:20,366
And what is this?
305
00:16:20,499 --> 00:16:24,437
Bitch, I am finally
Jake Ryan's girlfriend.
306
00:16:24,571 --> 00:16:26,672
Just cut it. Okay.
Say your shaloms
307
00:16:26,807 --> 00:16:27,908
and then I'm dragging you
308
00:16:28,041 --> 00:16:29,643
to the bathroom
to fix your face.
309
00:16:29,775 --> 00:16:32,912
Not that there's anything
wrong with it. Much. Move!
310
00:16:34,214 --> 00:16:35,214
Happy birthday.
311
00:16:35,481 --> 00:16:37,750
Crockett and tubbs.
312
00:16:37,884 --> 00:16:40,187
- Very nice.
- This is Elvis.
313
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,089
Hi, Elvis. P-shhh.
314
00:16:43,623 --> 00:16:45,225
- Hi, Travis.
- Hey, girlfriend.
315
00:16:45,357 --> 00:16:46,726
Happy birthday.
316
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,595
- You did, bro.
- I did it.
317
00:16:49,195 --> 00:16:50,297
Thank you.
318
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,266
Oh, my god,
you invited your parents.
319
00:16:53,399 --> 00:16:55,100
You look lovely, dear.
320
00:16:55,235 --> 00:16:57,971
I'm surprised this still fits.
321
00:16:59,205 --> 00:17:01,107
Yeah, well, Mike had it resized.
322
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,976
Hey, who do we gotta
kill to get a chair around here?
323
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,678
I'll get you set up, dad.
324
00:17:07,414 --> 00:17:09,716
Oh, but wait. Okay. Oh!
325
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,150
Pam.
326
00:17:11,517 --> 00:17:13,419
- Freddy, you look amazing.
- I know.
327
00:17:13,552 --> 00:17:15,120
Happy birthday.
328
00:17:15,787 --> 00:17:18,491
The bags really tie
that outfit together.
329
00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:21,461
You look like a terrorist
at a nudist convention.
330
00:17:21,593 --> 00:17:22,593
Thanks, dad.
331
00:17:22,928 --> 00:17:24,863
Ran into old Charlie
the other day.
332
00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:26,065
Who's Charlie?
333
00:17:26,199 --> 00:17:27,533
Blind bat still calling games?
334
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:30,370
He said
coach Miller is retiring.
335
00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:34,006
Told you.
Get a teaching credential.
336
00:17:34,373 --> 00:17:35,707
Yeah, you did say that.
337
00:17:36,109 --> 00:17:38,011
- I got you something.
- Oh?
338
00:17:38,145 --> 00:17:39,413
- Yeah.
- Wow.
339
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,280
Huh?
340
00:17:41,447 --> 00:17:43,050
Behind this is an online code
341
00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:44,417
for my bestselling seminar,
342
00:17:44,551 --> 00:17:46,520
"Freddy or not,
you can be rich like me".
343
00:17:46,652 --> 00:17:48,154
- Wow.
- You are welcome.
344
00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:49,988
I will check this out.
345
00:17:50,122 --> 00:17:51,190
I know.
346
00:17:51,757 --> 00:17:54,693
You looking for work? We always
need help at the shop.
347
00:17:54,994 --> 00:17:57,597
I got a job, dad. Taking care
of your grandchildren.
348
00:17:57,731 --> 00:17:59,898
- Remember?
- Of course.
349
00:18:00,366 --> 00:18:01,768
I meant one for money.
350
00:18:02,802 --> 00:18:05,638
You know, most people think
nirvana was a '90s band,
351
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:08,274
but they actually
made bleach in '89.
352
00:18:08,408 --> 00:18:10,043
- Oh.
- Personally, I'm more
353
00:18:10,177 --> 00:18:11,977
into their earlier
sub-pop type tunes.
354
00:18:12,111 --> 00:18:14,080
Save it, wheat thin,
we're boozin'.
355
00:18:14,214 --> 00:18:15,482
Come on.
356
00:18:22,488 --> 00:18:23,590
Hi.
357
00:18:24,491 --> 00:18:27,094
I'm I'm Pam young.
358
00:18:28,061 --> 00:18:29,196
Shannon.
359
00:18:31,664 --> 00:18:33,767
Shannon klissanon?
360
00:18:34,668 --> 00:18:36,402
I... of course.
361
00:18:36,536 --> 00:18:40,673
Of course. It's,
it's so lovely to see you.
362
00:18:42,308 --> 00:18:43,510
Rowdy.
363
00:18:44,143 --> 00:18:45,178
Excuse me.
364
00:18:45,512 --> 00:18:46,879
- Hi, Pam.
- Hi.
365
00:18:47,013 --> 00:18:48,982
I haven't seen you since, uh...
366
00:18:49,582 --> 00:18:51,450
Uh, you know, the um...
367
00:18:51,583 --> 00:18:52,585
High school.
368
00:18:52,718 --> 00:18:54,153
Yes. Yes.
369
00:18:54,553 --> 00:18:56,622
I haven't seen you
since high school.
370
00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:58,024
How are you?
371
00:18:58,158 --> 00:18:59,192
I'm great.
372
00:18:59,324 --> 00:19:01,995
You look... great.
373
00:19:02,661 --> 00:19:03,863
Actually, I'm...
374
00:19:04,598 --> 00:19:07,100
I'm doing really great.
375
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,534
That's good.
376
00:19:08,935 --> 00:19:10,571
Michael, Michael, motorcycle.
377
00:19:10,704 --> 00:19:13,440
Serious tactical error
inviting that guy.
378
00:19:13,572 --> 00:19:15,175
Not sure I actually did.
379
00:19:15,308 --> 00:19:17,443
You know
he was a chippendale's dancer?
380
00:19:17,577 --> 00:19:19,980
And he dove
with Jacques cousteau.
381
00:19:20,112 --> 00:19:22,180
Apparently
he likes to wear speedos.
382
00:19:22,314 --> 00:19:25,951
I recently
self-published my 11th novel.
383
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:28,489
Twelfth. If you count
384
00:19:28,621 --> 00:19:32,258
the anthology
of gothic poetry I edited.
385
00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:35,495
Awesome.
386
00:19:37,563 --> 00:19:39,499
Will you excuse me
for one second?
387
00:19:43,202 --> 00:19:46,773
All right, deadbeats.
Move it upstairs!
388
00:19:48,174 --> 00:19:49,174
Who is that?
389
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:53,112
You went to kindergarten
through 12th grade with her.
390
00:19:53,612 --> 00:19:54,680
I did?
391
00:19:55,415 --> 00:19:56,817
She must look different.
392
00:19:56,949 --> 00:20:00,386
No, she looked pretty bow-house
back then, too.
393
00:20:00,521 --> 00:20:02,656
- I can confirm that.
- Oh.
394
00:20:03,090 --> 00:20:05,257
- What's up, bitch?
- 'Sup, whore?
395
00:20:05,591 --> 00:20:08,562
Did you have anything to do
with planning this nightmare?
396
00:20:08,695 --> 00:20:10,963
Um, my loathing for you
runs deep, big sis,
397
00:20:11,097 --> 00:20:13,599
but not deep enough
to throw you a surprise party.
398
00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:15,067
Thank you for dressing up.
399
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,169
What? And overshadow
your lameness
400
00:20:17,302 --> 00:20:18,504
on your special night?
401
00:20:18,638 --> 00:20:20,640
I would never.
402
00:20:23,110 --> 00:20:24,811
Madame d'coy.
403
00:20:24,945 --> 00:20:26,178
Pamela.
404
00:20:26,580 --> 00:20:28,581
So good to see you.
405
00:20:29,983 --> 00:20:31,350
I was flattered
406
00:20:31,485 --> 00:20:33,119
when Michael reached out to me
407
00:20:33,253 --> 00:20:34,352
on the book of the face.
408
00:20:34,486 --> 00:20:36,156
I could not say no.
409
00:20:38,690 --> 00:20:40,192
I never say no.
410
00:20:41,393 --> 00:20:45,230
My mother, she is dying
a slow, horrible death.
411
00:20:45,364 --> 00:20:48,200
The bile of impermanence
consuming her.
412
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:49,802
I'm so sorry to hear that.
413
00:20:49,936 --> 00:20:51,370
How do we know
we are really alive
414
00:20:51,504 --> 00:20:55,041
until we are pinned
under the razor sharp boot
415
00:20:55,175 --> 00:20:56,577
of suffering.
416
00:20:57,543 --> 00:20:59,979
But tonight, we make party.
417
00:21:00,112 --> 00:21:01,981
O... Kay.
418
00:21:02,114 --> 00:21:04,016
Step away
from the birthday girl.
419
00:21:04,150 --> 00:21:05,150
We'll be back.
420
00:21:11,890 --> 00:21:13,826
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
421
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,463
Where'd you get this?
422
00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:18,396
A souvenir
from my stint on timber.
423
00:21:18,531 --> 00:21:19,966
Do you mean tinder?
424
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:22,468
No, it's like tinder,
but for big and tall people.
425
00:21:22,601 --> 00:21:23,735
You're five-three.
426
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:25,638
Yes,
and you have to be this tall
427
00:21:25,771 --> 00:21:27,040
to ride this ride.
428
00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:28,642
Okay.
429
00:21:29,708 --> 00:21:31,311
So, who's bright idea was this?
430
00:21:31,444 --> 00:21:32,611
Mike, of course.
431
00:21:32,745 --> 00:21:34,246
He's been planning it
for months.
432
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:35,991
In his defense. He thought
your deal would close today.
433
00:21:36,015 --> 00:21:38,284
Well, the day is not over yet.
434
00:21:39,084 --> 00:21:40,252
I think he was eager to have
435
00:21:40,387 --> 00:21:42,322
your undivided attention
for the night.
436
00:21:42,789 --> 00:21:44,625
Sorry.
437
00:21:45,358 --> 00:21:47,193
So madame d'coy is here.
438
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,062
I still can't believe
439
00:21:49,196 --> 00:21:51,130
Travis brought
his French teacher to prom.
440
00:21:51,264 --> 00:21:52,264
Me neither.
441
00:21:52,431 --> 00:21:54,366
The shit you could
get away with back then.
442
00:21:54,501 --> 00:21:55,501
I know.
443
00:21:55,869 --> 00:21:57,704
She would be guaranteed
five to ten
444
00:21:57,838 --> 00:22:00,306
for sophomore shtupping
these days.
445
00:22:00,939 --> 00:22:04,610
So, since his divorce,
have you guys... you know?
446
00:22:04,744 --> 00:22:05,610
Travis and me?
447
00:22:05,745 --> 00:22:07,080
Yeah.
448
00:22:07,213 --> 00:22:08,880
I thought you always wanted to.
449
00:22:09,014 --> 00:22:11,350
What? What!
450
00:22:12,217 --> 00:22:13,217
No?
451
00:22:13,452 --> 00:22:14,954
- No!
- Okay.
452
00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:18,658
I mean, years ago.
453
00:22:21,226 --> 00:22:22,328
Hey. Oh.
454
00:22:22,762 --> 00:22:24,798
Hey, you.
Where've you been hiding?
455
00:22:24,930 --> 00:22:26,565
Who ordered the fucking ceviche?
456
00:22:26,699 --> 00:22:29,134
Coz my insides just went out.
457
00:22:29,936 --> 00:22:32,638
I have some ginger mints
in my purse.
458
00:22:32,772 --> 00:22:33,907
Like candy is gonna cure
459
00:22:34,041 --> 00:22:35,508
20 years
of irritable bowel syndrome.
460
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,177
Listen. I'm going to keep this
on reserve all night.
461
00:22:39,544 --> 00:22:40,846
Good luck with Travis.
462
00:22:42,748 --> 00:22:44,550
I mean, can you blame
her bowels?
463
00:22:44,684 --> 00:22:46,720
She didn't even wash her hands.
464
00:22:47,687 --> 00:22:49,790
Close your mouth.
465
00:22:51,690 --> 00:22:54,160
- Fucking nailed it.
- Yeah, it's...
466
00:22:55,128 --> 00:22:56,128
Yeah.
467
00:23:10,176 --> 00:23:11,211
Yes.
468
00:23:24,523 --> 00:23:25,523
Michael.
469
00:23:25,623 --> 00:23:26,758
What do you think?
470
00:23:27,392 --> 00:23:29,828
You know what, I don't care
what your friends say about you,
471
00:23:29,962 --> 00:23:31,498
I think you're pretty great.
472
00:23:35,168 --> 00:23:37,070
Sergeant Sylvester, is it?
473
00:23:37,203 --> 00:23:39,239
Folks around here call me sarge.
474
00:23:39,371 --> 00:23:40,439
Sarge.
475
00:23:40,573 --> 00:23:42,975
Listen, so what if at midnight
476
00:23:43,109 --> 00:23:45,645
this party is still, you know,
477
00:23:45,777 --> 00:23:47,112
popping off?
478
00:23:47,479 --> 00:23:48,479
Toots.
479
00:23:49,014 --> 00:23:51,650
I was gay before fdr
was on the dime.
480
00:23:52,217 --> 00:23:54,754
Work your magic
on a straight sucker.
481
00:23:55,455 --> 00:23:57,256
You got till midnight!
482
00:24:05,363 --> 00:24:08,033
Have no fear, friends,
the doctor is here
483
00:24:08,168 --> 00:24:12,004
to guide you on this journey
back to your youth,
484
00:24:12,371 --> 00:24:14,139
when the pants were pegged,
485
00:24:14,674 --> 00:24:18,177
the swatch
was the timepiece of choice
486
00:24:18,311 --> 00:24:19,912
and the only page
you had to like
487
00:24:20,045 --> 00:24:21,613
was your favorite band
on the cover
488
00:24:21,747 --> 00:24:23,181
of your trapper keeper.
489
00:24:23,315 --> 00:24:25,550
Now, if you're wondering
why I'm still anchored
490
00:24:25,685 --> 00:24:29,755
to this festering cauldron
of piping hot tripe water,
491
00:24:29,889 --> 00:24:31,256
called the '80s, let's just say
492
00:24:31,390 --> 00:24:32,992
I'm attempting to live up
493
00:24:33,126 --> 00:24:35,962
to certain
financial responsibilities
494
00:24:36,094 --> 00:24:39,331
to two ex-wives and the IRS
that I accrued
495
00:24:39,465 --> 00:24:44,003
during a 16-year ride
on the white line to oblivion.
496
00:24:44,136 --> 00:24:46,672
Basically, I need the scratch.
497
00:24:46,805 --> 00:24:48,274
But enough about me.
498
00:24:48,408 --> 00:24:52,144
Let us now set sail
for those halcyon days
499
00:24:52,277 --> 00:24:54,913
when everybody
wanted to rule the world.
500
00:25:08,860 --> 00:25:10,030
Fuck me.
501
00:25:11,563 --> 00:25:12,563
Punks.
502
00:25:17,937 --> 00:25:19,039
Nerds.
503
00:25:39,257 --> 00:25:40,659
Who are these people?
504
00:25:40,793 --> 00:25:43,062
I told Mike to make
the Facebook invite private.
505
00:25:43,629 --> 00:25:45,764
Wait, this is a public event
on Facebook?
506
00:25:45,898 --> 00:25:47,801
- What is the difference?
- I don't know,
507
00:25:47,934 --> 00:25:50,269
117 strangers
at my birthday party.
508
00:25:50,401 --> 00:25:53,438
- Plus, I'm not even on Facebook.
- These aren't strangers.
509
00:25:53,572 --> 00:25:56,676
We went to hight school
with these people. I think.
510
00:25:57,409 --> 00:25:59,911
Okay, so is this
a birthday party
511
00:26:00,045 --> 00:26:00,912
or a reunion?
512
00:26:01,046 --> 00:26:03,216
Just for clarification.
513
00:26:03,616 --> 00:26:04,985
- Hi, Janie.
- Doug.
514
00:26:06,718 --> 00:26:07,821
Hello.
515
00:26:07,954 --> 00:26:09,889
- Never gonna happen, Doug.
- Oh.
516
00:26:10,657 --> 00:26:11,992
A boy can dream, can't he?
517
00:26:12,125 --> 00:26:14,193
As long as that dream
includes mouthwash
518
00:26:14,327 --> 00:26:16,228
and ample personal space.
519
00:26:16,562 --> 00:26:17,562
Oh!
520
00:26:17,964 --> 00:26:19,197
Thank you.
521
00:26:19,598 --> 00:26:20,966
Ooh. Sick burn.
522
00:26:22,034 --> 00:26:23,469
What's up with the book ends?
523
00:26:24,504 --> 00:26:27,540
No need to whisper, my friend.
They don't speak English.
524
00:26:28,107 --> 00:26:29,107
None?
525
00:26:29,308 --> 00:26:31,077
None. Watch this.
526
00:26:31,843 --> 00:26:32,978
Bananas.
527
00:26:34,947 --> 00:26:36,049
Nothing.
528
00:26:37,049 --> 00:26:38,818
So, are you, uh,
529
00:26:38,950 --> 00:26:39,950
teaching French?
530
00:26:40,018 --> 00:26:43,188
No, I retired after the 2ky.
531
00:26:44,157 --> 00:26:45,958
You mean, y2k?
532
00:26:46,091 --> 00:26:47,494
It was a bust, I know.
533
00:26:47,627 --> 00:26:50,030
My partner at the time,
he was, how do you say?
534
00:26:50,162 --> 00:26:51,363
Two polar.
535
00:26:52,164 --> 00:26:55,100
- It's bipolar.
- Yes.
536
00:26:55,235 --> 00:26:56,502
Very confused.
537
00:26:56,636 --> 00:26:59,572
He convinced me
to move into the woods.
538
00:27:00,372 --> 00:27:03,475
We lived off the land
and had our own fecal compost
539
00:27:03,609 --> 00:27:04,610
for three years.
540
00:27:04,744 --> 00:27:07,147
Until he contracted
lyme disease.
541
00:27:09,849 --> 00:27:11,117
Where'd you find them?
542
00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:12,661
They showed up
at my seminar in Prague.
543
00:27:12,685 --> 00:27:15,120
They're marginally famous
contortionists,
544
00:27:15,254 --> 00:27:16,934
but they're looking
to grow their portfolio
545
00:27:17,055 --> 00:27:18,055
of appreciating assets.
546
00:27:18,091 --> 00:27:19,625
Just like the rest of us.
547
00:27:20,059 --> 00:27:21,994
So, they tie themselves
in knots?
548
00:27:22,460 --> 00:27:25,164
They can work themselves
into any sort of kink.
549
00:27:26,532 --> 00:27:27,701
I bet they can.
550
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:29,868
You know, um...
551
00:27:30,436 --> 00:27:34,107
You're the only teacher to ever
give me a c in high school.
552
00:27:35,140 --> 00:27:36,508
Did you deserve it?
553
00:27:38,043 --> 00:27:39,043
I mean...
554
00:27:39,279 --> 00:27:41,080
I didn't think so at the time.
555
00:27:41,414 --> 00:27:42,782
I drank a lot then.
556
00:27:42,916 --> 00:27:45,318
I was eager to feel something.
557
00:27:45,985 --> 00:27:48,354
Your disappointment fed me.
558
00:27:48,921 --> 00:27:50,289
Kept me alive.
559
00:27:52,323 --> 00:27:54,060
- Mike. Long time.
- Yeah.
560
00:27:54,193 --> 00:27:55,194
How are you?
561
00:27:55,328 --> 00:27:56,495
I'm good. I'm good.
562
00:27:56,629 --> 00:27:58,464
Hey, whatever happened
to baseball?
563
00:27:58,598 --> 00:28:01,300
- I thought I'd seen you on TV.
- Yep. That was the plan.
564
00:28:01,434 --> 00:28:03,202
Then I tore my ucl
right up the ball
565
00:28:03,335 --> 00:28:04,769
and frayed my shoulder.
566
00:28:04,904 --> 00:28:06,414
- Did a little triple a...
- Bummer, that's a bummer
567
00:28:06,438 --> 00:28:08,006
- got a little TV time.
- But hey.
568
00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:10,442
It's a kids' game anyway, right?
All right.
569
00:28:14,780 --> 00:28:15,780
Dick.
570
00:28:22,321 --> 00:28:23,423
Boo.
571
00:28:24,055 --> 00:28:26,658
Oh. Hi.
572
00:28:30,428 --> 00:28:33,099
You know, I was just thinking
about that algebra ii.
573
00:28:33,799 --> 00:28:36,536
Trig? The final we stayed up
all night for?
574
00:28:36,936 --> 00:28:40,240
Oh. We had algebra ii together?
575
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:41,840
Yeah.
576
00:28:43,743 --> 00:28:45,378
Yeah. You and your dog.
577
00:28:46,011 --> 00:28:47,413
What was his name?
578
00:28:47,780 --> 00:28:48,780
Sting?
579
00:28:50,416 --> 00:28:53,119
- You remember my dog?
- Of course.
580
00:28:54,986 --> 00:28:56,422
He ate all our pizza.
581
00:28:58,123 --> 00:28:59,824
Threw it up
all over your pillow.
582
00:29:00,191 --> 00:29:01,293
Okay?
583
00:29:02,594 --> 00:29:03,594
Wow.
584
00:29:03,996 --> 00:29:06,731
You have, like, a complete...
585
00:29:07,466 --> 00:29:09,702
Memory, filled with so much.
586
00:29:10,369 --> 00:29:11,638
I had to, um...
587
00:29:12,470 --> 00:29:14,973
Defrag the old hard drives
588
00:29:15,107 --> 00:29:16,442
for the bar exam.
589
00:29:16,574 --> 00:29:19,812
You know.
So that's probably why...
590
00:29:20,879 --> 00:29:22,181
University of Chicago.
591
00:29:23,114 --> 00:29:24,114
Oh!
592
00:29:24,516 --> 00:29:26,251
- You went there too.
- No.
593
00:29:26,985 --> 00:29:28,088
Oh.
594
00:29:28,921 --> 00:29:30,556
That's where you studied law.
595
00:29:30,689 --> 00:29:32,624
I... I did.
596
00:29:32,958 --> 00:29:34,226
How did you...
597
00:29:35,093 --> 00:29:36,595
I've kept tabs on you.
598
00:29:38,162 --> 00:29:39,466
You know, since...
599
00:29:40,331 --> 00:29:41,434
That night.
600
00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:45,870
Okay.
601
00:29:48,139 --> 00:29:49,708
It was so good seeing you.
602
00:29:51,142 --> 00:29:52,245
Okay.
603
00:29:56,014 --> 00:29:57,117
Love you too.
604
00:29:57,684 --> 00:29:58,684
Years ago.
605
00:29:59,083 --> 00:30:00,083
Michael, hi, hi.
606
00:30:00,119 --> 00:30:01,253
- Hey.
- Can I, uh,
607
00:30:01,387 --> 00:30:03,089
- talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
608
00:30:03,222 --> 00:30:04,824
- Like, anywhere but here.
- Oh.
609
00:30:06,725 --> 00:30:09,594
Hey, let's do this real quick.
Come on. Let's take a picture.
610
00:30:09,727 --> 00:30:11,562
It'll be so fun.
Here, turn around.
611
00:30:11,697 --> 00:30:14,366
Push out your belly.
We're gonna do pregnant prom.
612
00:30:15,066 --> 00:30:18,437
My only a is in wood shop,
and I'm gonna be a dad!
613
00:30:18,905 --> 00:30:20,806
Jeez,
you're really committed to this.
614
00:30:20,939 --> 00:30:22,374
Come on, isn't this fun?
615
00:30:22,507 --> 00:30:24,419
Actually, no, I'm on verge
of like a panic attack.
616
00:30:24,443 --> 00:30:26,379
- What? Why?
- I'm pretty sure that the uh...
617
00:30:26,513 --> 00:30:29,048
The woman over there that
looks like Sally scissorhands...
618
00:30:29,180 --> 00:30:30,482
Shannon klissanon?
619
00:30:30,616 --> 00:30:32,126
Yeah uh, I'm pretty
sure she's the stalker
620
00:30:32,150 --> 00:30:33,451
I never knew I had.
621
00:30:33,584 --> 00:30:35,420
I'm sure she's just excited
to reconnect.
622
00:30:35,554 --> 00:30:37,089
By reconnect you mean go full
623
00:30:37,223 --> 00:30:39,492
single white female on me
before I've even cut the cake?
624
00:30:39,625 --> 00:30:41,727
Oh! Fuck! Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
625
00:30:41,860 --> 00:30:42,860
What?
626
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:43,962
I forgot the cake.
627
00:30:44,095 --> 00:30:45,163
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, dude.
628
00:30:45,298 --> 00:30:46,632
- Dammit.
- All I wanted was cake.
629
00:30:46,765 --> 00:30:48,466
I thought all you wanted
was sexy time?
630
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:49,802
Don't make me choose Michael.
631
00:30:49,935 --> 00:30:51,604
You're not going
to like the answer.
632
00:30:52,237 --> 00:30:53,471
Look, I, uh...
633
00:30:53,606 --> 00:30:55,474
I so appreciate
what you've done here.
634
00:30:55,607 --> 00:30:58,043
I can tell that
you went to a ton of trouble.
635
00:30:58,177 --> 00:30:59,812
And I'm so grateful, but...
636
00:31:00,146 --> 00:31:02,014
Man, if you didn't forget
637
00:31:02,147 --> 00:31:03,616
what a drag high school was.
638
00:31:03,748 --> 00:31:06,485
I don't understand.
How was it a drag, exactly?
639
00:31:06,619 --> 00:31:07,686
Okay. A.
640
00:31:08,020 --> 00:31:10,423
We were a bunch
of shallow dicks in high school.
641
00:31:10,555 --> 00:31:13,424
And b. Dressing up
in our shallow dick uniforms
642
00:31:13,559 --> 00:31:14,994
is just gonna
remind people of c,
643
00:31:15,127 --> 00:31:17,428
go back to a. We were
a bunch of shallow dicks.
644
00:31:17,562 --> 00:31:20,033
But we were teenagers.
Nobody gives a shit anymore.
645
00:31:20,166 --> 00:31:21,477
I'm guessing a few
of these people
646
00:31:21,501 --> 00:31:22,676
hold some serious resentments.
647
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:24,169
No joke. It's only human nature.
648
00:31:24,303 --> 00:31:26,338
You are wrong.
Check this out, okay?
649
00:31:26,804 --> 00:31:27,505
The ham-burglar.
650
00:31:27,639 --> 00:31:29,007
Okay, Trudy, fine. Sorry.
651
00:31:29,140 --> 00:31:31,410
I wouldn't be caught dead
with her in high school
652
00:31:31,543 --> 00:31:33,177
now we play farm town together.
653
00:31:33,312 --> 00:31:35,081
Okay? She's got a cat
name Sylvester.
654
00:31:35,214 --> 00:31:36,380
Nickname is sly.
655
00:31:36,514 --> 00:31:38,016
Okay. It sits upright
on the couch
656
00:31:38,150 --> 00:31:40,952
and looks like human being.
She walks it with a leash.
657
00:31:41,419 --> 00:31:43,087
How cool and weird is that?
658
00:31:43,589 --> 00:31:45,925
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure thing.
659
00:31:46,425 --> 00:31:47,292
All right?
660
00:31:47,426 --> 00:31:49,195
Everyone is happy. Okay?
661
00:31:49,328 --> 00:31:51,664
Here to celebrate you.
This is cool.
662
00:31:51,796 --> 00:31:52,796
Okay.
663
00:31:56,668 --> 00:31:58,704
Hey, dark shades. Dark shades.
664
00:31:58,837 --> 00:31:59,572
Dark shades.
665
00:31:59,705 --> 00:32:01,506
Hey, can you play the song?
666
00:32:01,639 --> 00:32:04,009
You know, the one, um,
the one with, like,
667
00:32:04,142 --> 00:32:06,044
the quiet guitar and the...
668
00:32:06,378 --> 00:32:08,514
Boom-boom. The drums.
669
00:32:09,415 --> 00:32:11,850
- Good one.
- No, really. Hey.
670
00:32:11,984 --> 00:32:15,553
It's the song with the,
with the really quiet guitar.
671
00:32:15,687 --> 00:32:18,991
It's ring-ling-ling-ling
and then the ding-ding-ding,
672
00:32:19,125 --> 00:32:21,027
boom-boom-boom, the drums.
673
00:32:21,159 --> 00:32:22,495
- Who's it by?
- Oh.
674
00:32:22,629 --> 00:32:24,530
The guy.
The guy that plays the drums
675
00:32:24,662 --> 00:32:26,231
that goes boom. The...
676
00:32:26,364 --> 00:32:27,899
- Phil Collins?
- No!
677
00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:29,668
Fuck! Damn.
678
00:32:30,602 --> 00:32:34,039
It's... the guy that plays the...
It's the song...
679
00:32:34,173 --> 00:32:36,943
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you Google it?
680
00:32:37,610 --> 00:32:39,145
Hush-hush. Bye-bye.
681
00:32:39,879 --> 00:32:42,848
Wow. More like
doctor throws shade.
682
00:32:43,715 --> 00:32:47,151
Did you just shower me
with imaginary jizz?
683
00:32:47,285 --> 00:32:49,254
No. No.
684
00:32:49,554 --> 00:32:51,923
You're getting pretty brave
as you run away.
685
00:32:53,457 --> 00:32:54,860
Ah, that's my jam.
686
00:33:10,042 --> 00:33:12,711
You know that guy's got,
like, two million followers.
687
00:33:12,844 --> 00:33:15,648
Yeah, but they're all
Russian bots like those two.
688
00:33:16,748 --> 00:33:18,116
How do I get verified?
689
00:33:18,551 --> 00:33:19,718
No one knows.
690
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:22,388
Verify me.
691
00:33:49,548 --> 00:33:51,651
Yo, Michael! Whoop-whoop!
692
00:34:02,061 --> 00:34:03,061
Oh, no.
693
00:34:07,198 --> 00:34:09,233
Hey. Walk with me to get smokes.
694
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,003
Someone took my pants.
695
00:34:11,135 --> 00:34:13,840
Oh. Do you need pants
to go buy smokes?
696
00:34:14,606 --> 00:34:16,041
Don't know. Never smoked.
697
00:34:16,908 --> 00:34:18,010
Oh, fuck it.
698
00:34:18,142 --> 00:34:19,543
Dude, this party,
699
00:34:19,910 --> 00:34:23,416
honestly, is a complete
and total fucking disaster.
700
00:34:23,548 --> 00:34:24,949
What are you talking about?
701
00:34:25,082 --> 00:34:28,320
- This party is epic.
- If it isn't your birthday.
702
00:34:28,454 --> 00:34:30,456
Listen.
Let the red fire kick in,
703
00:34:30,588 --> 00:34:32,490
- Pam will come around.
- I don't know.
704
00:34:32,925 --> 00:34:35,794
Richard, I know this isn't
how you wanted the day to end.
705
00:34:35,928 --> 00:34:39,198
I get it.
706
00:34:39,332 --> 00:34:41,934
I'm telling you,
torching the deal at this point
707
00:34:42,066 --> 00:34:44,936
is so stupid. Just talk to him.
You're at the same
708
00:34:45,070 --> 00:34:46,905
charity event.
Just walk on over.
709
00:34:47,039 --> 00:34:49,675
I can't talk
to this guy. Fuck no.
710
00:34:49,807 --> 00:34:51,575
Don't burn this thing
to the ground
711
00:34:51,709 --> 00:34:53,146
over ego. Okay? Bye.
712
00:34:54,780 --> 00:34:57,015
- Hi.
- Hi. Boy,
713
00:34:57,782 --> 00:34:59,317
sounds like a three-alarm.
714
00:35:00,052 --> 00:35:01,486
Didn't know you were
a firefighter.
715
00:35:01,619 --> 00:35:04,589
Oh, no. Just a lawyer.
716
00:35:05,057 --> 00:35:06,057
Oof.
717
00:35:07,191 --> 00:35:08,191
Sorry.
718
00:35:08,260 --> 00:35:09,794
It's okay. So, lemme guess,
719
00:35:09,928 --> 00:35:12,698
you climbed Everest
before the age of 25?
720
00:35:13,099 --> 00:35:15,867
Married the fit Peruvian
shaman lady
721
00:35:16,001 --> 00:35:18,003
who guided you to machu picchu.
722
00:35:18,137 --> 00:35:20,907
Sailed around the globe
on a solar-powered boat.
723
00:35:21,039 --> 00:35:22,641
Let me down easy.
What've you been up to
724
00:35:22,774 --> 00:35:24,642
- the past 20 years?
- No, no, uh...
725
00:35:25,010 --> 00:35:27,845
Well, actually, no, I did go
on a cruise to Alaska.
726
00:35:28,312 --> 00:35:29,715
With my ex-wife and our son.
727
00:35:30,316 --> 00:35:32,484
But that was before
she married Claire.
728
00:35:32,617 --> 00:35:34,486
My orthodontist partner.
729
00:35:34,619 --> 00:35:36,988
You're an orthodontist? Huh.
730
00:35:37,488 --> 00:35:39,858
Really? Uh, I thought
the more titillating part
731
00:35:39,992 --> 00:35:42,827
of that story would be my wife
leaving me for another woman.
732
00:35:42,961 --> 00:35:44,562
You always knew
how to surprise...
733
00:35:44,697 --> 00:35:46,698
Oh. Hold on, sorry.
734
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,236
Twenty-four hour attorney, huh?
735
00:35:51,736 --> 00:35:53,238
Must pay well.
736
00:35:53,372 --> 00:35:56,274
Don't be fooled by my, uh,
formal attire.
737
00:35:56,908 --> 00:35:59,028
I work out million dollar deals
for my clients all day
738
00:35:59,111 --> 00:36:00,812
and then go home
and try to figure out
739
00:36:00,945 --> 00:36:02,180
if my cheque has deposited
740
00:36:02,314 --> 00:36:04,582
before my cable autopay
has gone through.
741
00:36:04,715 --> 00:36:06,484
And things like that.
742
00:36:06,619 --> 00:36:07,720
Wow.
743
00:36:12,291 --> 00:36:14,593
- Can I help you?
- A pack of lights
744
00:36:14,727 --> 00:36:15,794
and tin of wintergreen?
745
00:36:15,928 --> 00:36:17,463
I told Pam I'd quit.
746
00:36:17,595 --> 00:36:18,930
- Did you?
- Not really.
747
00:36:19,265 --> 00:36:21,300
Don't you remember
health class, Doug?
748
00:36:21,434 --> 00:36:23,135
"Tobacco stunts your growth."
749
00:36:24,535 --> 00:36:25,604
Wait.
750
00:36:25,903 --> 00:36:28,506
- Phyllis. Phyllis okano.
- Yeah.
751
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:30,676
- Four-eyed Phyllis!
- Oh, he said it.
752
00:36:30,809 --> 00:36:32,544
Okay.
753
00:36:32,678 --> 00:36:35,080
Hey. What happened
to the other two?
754
00:36:35,414 --> 00:36:39,118
Oh. Total eye replacement.
I grow clones in my basement.
755
00:36:40,919 --> 00:36:43,055
- Lol.
- Yeah.
756
00:36:43,187 --> 00:36:44,356
You look great.
757
00:36:44,490 --> 00:36:46,425
Oh, thank you. So do you.
758
00:36:46,559 --> 00:36:48,093
That is a lie.
759
00:36:48,227 --> 00:36:51,163
I look like high school me
went into anaphylactic shock.
760
00:36:51,296 --> 00:36:52,296
Oh.
761
00:36:52,363 --> 00:36:53,465
True, but...
762
00:36:53,899 --> 00:36:55,133
What happened to your pants?
763
00:36:55,267 --> 00:36:57,002
We're having a big
high school reunion
764
00:36:57,135 --> 00:36:59,904
- over at the banquet hall.
- No, it's, uh, Pam's birthday.
765
00:37:00,039 --> 00:37:02,807
But your welcome to stop by
after your shift is over.
766
00:37:02,941 --> 00:37:04,610
Oh, I'm stuck here
until midnight,
767
00:37:04,744 --> 00:37:06,812
but wish Pam
happy birthday from me?
768
00:37:06,945 --> 00:37:08,479
- I will. I will.
- Thanks.
769
00:37:08,879 --> 00:37:10,048
- Uh, hey, Doug?
- Yeah.
770
00:37:10,582 --> 00:37:13,619
- Can I ask you a weird question?
- Absolutely. What's up?
771
00:37:14,119 --> 00:37:17,155
Did you toilet paper
my parents' house?
772
00:37:19,457 --> 00:37:20,992
What!
773
00:37:21,126 --> 00:37:22,662
It happened a lot in high school
774
00:37:22,794 --> 00:37:24,514
and over the last years
it started up again,
775
00:37:24,562 --> 00:37:26,298
so my dad installed a camera.
776
00:37:27,999 --> 00:37:29,601
Smart.
777
00:37:29,934 --> 00:37:31,803
I ask because he showed it to me
778
00:37:31,936 --> 00:37:34,205
and the guy on there
looks a lot like you.
779
00:37:37,276 --> 00:37:38,744
That's weird.
780
00:37:39,077 --> 00:37:41,245
You know I don't live there
anymore, right?
781
00:37:41,378 --> 00:37:42,447
Not since college.
782
00:37:42,581 --> 00:37:43,682
Yeah.
783
00:37:43,816 --> 00:37:45,318
Of course. Totally.
784
00:37:45,450 --> 00:37:47,352
I know you don't live
with your parents.
785
00:37:47,486 --> 00:37:49,588
You're an adult
and you moved somewhere else.
786
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:52,724
I don't live with my parents.
Oh, I live with my mom now.
787
00:37:52,858 --> 00:37:57,129
Well see, coz my condo,
it went under in a sinkhole.
788
00:37:57,262 --> 00:37:58,996
- In the ground.
- A literal sinkhole?
789
00:37:59,131 --> 00:38:01,066
Okay. All right.
It's great seeing you.
790
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,968
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, you look great.
791
00:38:03,100 --> 00:38:04,903
Okay. Thank you. So do you.
792
00:38:12,776 --> 00:38:14,947
- Dude, she's onto us.
- Us?
793
00:38:16,115 --> 00:38:18,649
I haven't toilet papered
her house since...
794
00:38:18,783 --> 00:38:20,318
Dave grohl was a drummer.
795
00:38:22,421 --> 00:38:23,421
Man.
796
00:38:23,588 --> 00:38:25,623
We were such dicks.
797
00:38:26,090 --> 00:38:27,759
That's what Pam just said to me.
798
00:38:27,892 --> 00:38:29,927
I don't...
Do you really think so?
799
00:38:30,061 --> 00:38:33,131
Yeah, buddy, pfft, mega dicks.
800
00:38:35,133 --> 00:38:37,369
Well, she seems
to think you are, uh,
801
00:38:37,803 --> 00:38:39,839
still doing it. The papering.
802
00:38:39,972 --> 00:38:43,508
No, what she said
is a guy that looks like me
803
00:38:43,642 --> 00:38:45,544
- is still doing it.
- Mm-hmm.
804
00:38:54,452 --> 00:38:55,720
- Thank you.
- Look.
805
00:38:59,624 --> 00:39:00,624
Uh-oh.
806
00:40:33,050 --> 00:40:35,153
Go, Dougie!
807
00:40:36,354 --> 00:40:37,354
Oh!
808
00:40:37,622 --> 00:40:40,458
So close.
Almost nailed the landing.
809
00:40:41,894 --> 00:40:44,029
Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.
810
00:40:44,162 --> 00:40:46,064
- Grammy?
- No, no, no. Just me, trav.
811
00:40:46,198 --> 00:40:48,033
Okay. It's all right.
Just breathe now.
812
00:40:48,166 --> 00:40:50,001
You're gonna be okay.
813
00:40:50,501 --> 00:40:53,371
No, no, no. Don't get up, Doug.
Doug, Doug. Stay down.
814
00:40:53,504 --> 00:40:54,504
Oh, shit.
815
00:40:57,175 --> 00:40:58,610
I think I lost my tooth.
816
00:40:58,744 --> 00:41:01,546
It's gonna be all right.
We'll get you a new tooth.
817
00:41:02,347 --> 00:41:05,249
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
818
00:41:06,318 --> 00:41:09,120
You know that stuff's
good for inflammation?
819
00:41:09,687 --> 00:41:11,155
Turmeric's a power spice.
820
00:41:11,423 --> 00:41:12,423
Huh.
821
00:41:18,595 --> 00:41:19,764
- Pam!
- Hi.
822
00:41:19,898 --> 00:41:21,166
Guess who we ran into?
823
00:41:21,298 --> 00:41:23,467
- Who?
- Four-eyed Phyllis.
824
00:41:23,735 --> 00:41:24,936
Oh, that poor girl.
825
00:41:25,070 --> 00:41:26,437
Why? What happened?
826
00:41:26,570 --> 00:41:29,139
Nothing. Only that we spent
half of our youth
827
00:41:29,274 --> 00:41:31,977
defacing her home
with charmin's single ply.
828
00:41:32,110 --> 00:41:34,012
Really, it just came down
to geography.
829
00:41:34,144 --> 00:41:35,980
- Exactly.
- It's like her house
830
00:41:36,113 --> 00:41:38,115
is a trading post
on the trail of beers.
831
00:41:38,249 --> 00:41:40,351
Between high school
and Doug's mom's.
832
00:41:40,486 --> 00:41:41,687
Pam, you remember this?
833
00:41:42,019 --> 00:41:43,354
Yeah. Of course.
834
00:41:43,488 --> 00:41:44,622
Running from the police.
835
00:41:44,756 --> 00:41:47,626
Travis puking
under the neighbor's topiary.
836
00:41:47,758 --> 00:41:48,760
Just say shrubs.
837
00:41:48,894 --> 00:41:50,896
Yeah, totally remember. So fun.
838
00:41:51,296 --> 00:41:53,064
You know what?
I'm gonna give a toast.
839
00:41:53,198 --> 00:41:55,668
All right, let's get some shots
lined up, Maverick.
840
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:56,800
All right.
841
00:41:56,867 --> 00:41:58,403
Everyone, come on... Trudy.
842
00:41:58,537 --> 00:42:00,472
Shannon. Toast, shots.
843
00:42:00,972 --> 00:42:02,373
Phil Collins.
844
00:42:02,508 --> 00:42:04,376
Um, all right, guys.
845
00:42:04,675 --> 00:42:05,910
So, it's... thank you.
846
00:42:06,044 --> 00:42:07,120
It's recently been
brought to my attention
847
00:42:07,144 --> 00:42:09,014
that I... we all,
848
00:42:09,146 --> 00:42:11,716
I may have been a dick
back in high school.
849
00:42:11,849 --> 00:42:13,218
Which apparently I blocked out.
850
00:42:13,352 --> 00:42:16,889
If that is true,
if I wronged you in any way,
851
00:42:17,021 --> 00:42:18,989
from the bottom of my heart,
I apologize.
852
00:42:19,323 --> 00:42:21,026
Now that I'm not a
popular jerk anymore.
853
00:42:21,158 --> 00:42:23,494
I hope
that I can make it up to you
854
00:42:23,628 --> 00:42:26,797
now that we're adults
and we have mortgages
855
00:42:26,930 --> 00:42:27,930
and hemorrhoids.
856
00:42:27,965 --> 00:42:29,800
Uh, look.
857
00:42:30,501 --> 00:42:32,603
A lot has changed
since high school.
858
00:42:32,970 --> 00:42:35,440
But one thing
has stayed the same.
859
00:42:36,608 --> 00:42:38,077
My love for this woman,
860
00:42:38,410 --> 00:42:39,410
right here.
861
00:42:39,878 --> 00:42:40,878
Pam.
862
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:42,981
You did it for me then.
863
00:42:43,615 --> 00:42:45,084
You do it for me now.
864
00:42:45,617 --> 00:42:46,619
I love you.
865
00:42:47,151 --> 00:42:48,151
Happy birthday.
866
00:42:48,218 --> 00:42:49,720
- Aw, thank you.
- Cheers.
867
00:42:49,854 --> 00:42:52,090
- Cheers everyone.
- Cheers!
868
00:42:57,861 --> 00:42:59,164
My therapist and I
869
00:42:59,298 --> 00:43:01,367
have talked a lot
about that evening.
870
00:43:02,133 --> 00:43:03,133
- Okay.
- She says
871
00:43:03,168 --> 00:43:04,836
it shaped my character.
872
00:43:04,968 --> 00:43:05,769
Okay.
873
00:43:05,903 --> 00:43:07,104
That even though...
874
00:43:07,671 --> 00:43:09,173
We're born how we are,
875
00:43:09,874 --> 00:43:11,476
there are often incidents
876
00:43:12,111 --> 00:43:14,613
that introduce us
to our true nature.
877
00:43:15,713 --> 00:43:17,416
And that was likely one of them.
878
00:43:19,318 --> 00:43:22,553
I don't know if you read
my sixth self-published book?
879
00:43:22,687 --> 00:43:23,687
No.
880
00:43:24,722 --> 00:43:26,057
Why not?
881
00:43:27,392 --> 00:43:30,128
I was able to relive
some of the more
882
00:43:31,463 --> 00:43:32,831
intimate moments
883
00:43:32,965 --> 00:43:34,800
from that long
president's weekend.
884
00:43:34,999 --> 00:43:36,100
You know.
885
00:43:36,901 --> 00:43:38,202
Fictionally, of course.
886
00:43:38,336 --> 00:43:39,336
Um.
887
00:43:40,405 --> 00:43:41,573
Say it.
888
00:43:47,044 --> 00:43:48,847
She... She's smelling me.
889
00:43:49,146 --> 00:43:50,414
What's up, Shannon?
890
00:43:50,548 --> 00:43:51,582
Hi...
891
00:43:53,285 --> 00:43:55,287
You ever feel
like one of those things?
892
00:43:56,053 --> 00:43:57,053
What things?
893
00:43:57,155 --> 00:44:00,624
Those things. The urinal loaf.
894
00:44:01,293 --> 00:44:04,095
I think it's...
I think it's called a cake.
895
00:44:05,997 --> 00:44:07,532
It's a urinal cake.
896
00:44:10,834 --> 00:44:12,338
Ever feel like one of those?
897
00:44:13,171 --> 00:44:14,439
You know, just...
898
00:44:15,006 --> 00:44:17,209
A huge target on your back.
899
00:44:17,543 --> 00:44:19,843
So big, you can't miss
even when you're drunk.
900
00:44:19,977 --> 00:44:21,378
People just love shooting
901
00:44:21,512 --> 00:44:24,082
their hard stream of hot piss
right up your ass?
902
00:44:24,215 --> 00:44:25,682
Like it's a game?
903
00:44:25,816 --> 00:44:27,251
You ever feel like that?
904
00:44:29,555 --> 00:44:31,723
- All the time.
- Constantly, yeah.
905
00:44:32,124 --> 00:44:33,625
You guys are all right.
906
00:44:33,758 --> 00:44:35,660
Let me give you my card.
907
00:44:35,794 --> 00:44:36,794
What the...
908
00:44:38,396 --> 00:44:40,164
Well, look at that.
909
00:44:41,332 --> 00:44:44,068
That's gotta be 20 years old.
910
00:44:45,836 --> 00:44:46,836
Here you go.
911
00:44:47,972 --> 00:44:49,207
Dj shades.
912
00:44:49,874 --> 00:44:51,075
Dj shades.
913
00:44:51,475 --> 00:44:53,178
See you guys after, right?
914
00:44:58,849 --> 00:45:00,585
No, Dougie. That's so gross.
915
00:45:00,718 --> 00:45:02,787
Don't reach into... ew!
916
00:45:02,921 --> 00:45:04,254
It's sealed.
917
00:45:04,389 --> 00:45:05,799
Come on there's gotta
be an expiration date
918
00:45:05,823 --> 00:45:07,059
on that shit. Let's go.
919
00:45:09,428 --> 00:45:12,064
No, Dougie. No, Dougie!
920
00:45:13,398 --> 00:45:15,100
Okay, okay. Wait. Maybe.
921
00:45:15,233 --> 00:45:17,869
Maybe it's like wine,
it gets better with age.
922
00:45:18,336 --> 00:45:19,571
Who would know?
923
00:45:20,838 --> 00:45:22,073
Karen.
924
00:45:33,918 --> 00:45:34,918
Boys?
925
00:45:35,419 --> 00:45:37,155
- In here.
- Sweet.
926
00:45:39,490 --> 00:45:41,693
- Come on. Go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay.
927
00:45:44,262 --> 00:45:45,796
Let me see the stuff? Ooh.
928
00:45:45,930 --> 00:45:46,932
How old is it?
929
00:45:47,064 --> 00:45:48,867
Ah, possibly decades.
930
00:45:49,568 --> 00:45:51,069
That color is concerning.
931
00:45:51,570 --> 00:45:53,838
What is the worst
that could happen?
932
00:45:54,405 --> 00:45:57,941
Sinusoid polyps, paralysis,
early onset death.
933
00:45:58,075 --> 00:45:59,610
So, kind of hard to say.
934
00:46:03,347 --> 00:46:05,550
Do I need to write
up a detention?
935
00:46:06,550 --> 00:46:07,952
What are you three up to?
936
00:46:08,086 --> 00:46:09,486
Nothing, madame d'coy.
937
00:46:09,619 --> 00:46:11,889
Actually, the boys reclaimed
some vintage cocaine
938
00:46:12,023 --> 00:46:14,626
and we're trying to decide
if it's safe to ingest.
939
00:46:14,892 --> 00:46:17,262
- Hand it over Douglas.
- Yes, ma'am.
940
00:46:24,836 --> 00:46:27,572
- Oh, my.
- Madame d'coy, you okay?
941
00:46:28,206 --> 00:46:30,374
Been a long time, Travis.
942
00:46:33,445 --> 00:46:35,479
- No, I'm a state employee now.
- I said.
943
00:46:35,613 --> 00:46:36,613
Hmm-mm.
944
00:46:39,584 --> 00:46:43,120
What do you say
we flee this bordel, you and I?
945
00:46:43,387 --> 00:46:46,257
- Uh, I'm Doug's ride.
- I can uber.
946
00:46:46,390 --> 00:46:48,860
- Um, take me home, trav.
- You know,
947
00:46:48,992 --> 00:46:51,162
they say the inside of a nostril
948
00:46:51,430 --> 00:46:54,633
has more pleasure receptors
than the vagina.
949
00:46:56,501 --> 00:46:57,936
Okay, I'm gonna go see
950
00:46:58,068 --> 00:47:00,737
if the caterers are restocking
the Kale Caesar.
951
00:47:01,139 --> 00:47:02,841
I'm gonna help her with that.
952
00:47:03,707 --> 00:47:04,707
Hmm.
953
00:47:13,651 --> 00:47:15,154
Whoa!
954
00:47:32,970 --> 00:47:35,674
Thought you were just
really excited to see me.
955
00:47:35,807 --> 00:47:36,807
Sorry.
956
00:47:37,742 --> 00:47:38,443
That's cool.
957
00:47:38,575 --> 00:47:39,644
Your phone screen
958
00:47:39,778 --> 00:47:41,613
is lighting up your cleavage.
959
00:47:43,213 --> 00:47:45,216
God's pocket.
960
00:47:46,084 --> 00:47:47,619
It's smaller than that.
961
00:48:08,774 --> 00:48:11,777
This next song reminds me
of an evening I spent
962
00:48:11,910 --> 00:48:15,213
with Paul westerberg
at the Hilton in Austin.
963
00:48:15,345 --> 00:48:17,114
Lasted four days.
964
00:48:52,350 --> 00:48:54,553
Let's make some twirls.
Here we go.
965
00:48:54,686 --> 00:48:56,287
Then you get in tight and I go.
966
00:48:56,421 --> 00:48:57,455
Hey.
967
00:48:57,988 --> 00:48:59,858
- Hey, man. What's up?
- You tell me.
968
00:48:59,990 --> 00:49:02,059
Not much. Getting a drink.
Need anything?
969
00:49:02,193 --> 00:49:04,995
For you to stop
molesting my friend out there.
970
00:49:05,296 --> 00:49:07,832
Oh. Are you guys together?
971
00:49:08,365 --> 00:49:09,365
What? Uh...
972
00:49:09,434 --> 00:49:10,468
No.
973
00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:11,736
Oh, all right.
974
00:49:12,336 --> 00:49:15,372
Look man I'm here with those two
yugoslavian pretzels, all right?
975
00:49:15,706 --> 00:49:18,110
This? This is just dancing.
976
00:49:18,610 --> 00:49:20,010
Oh, it's just dancing.
977
00:49:20,144 --> 00:49:22,914
Okay. You zoot suit-wearing
motherfucker.
978
00:49:23,048 --> 00:49:24,048
The zoot suit?
979
00:49:24,749 --> 00:49:27,051
I guess we all don't get
to wear steel-toed shoes
980
00:49:27,184 --> 00:49:28,452
to work every day.
981
00:49:28,586 --> 00:49:30,389
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
982
00:49:31,256 --> 00:49:32,590
Times change, trevo.
983
00:49:33,490 --> 00:49:35,126
See, you were the shit
in high school.
984
00:49:36,028 --> 00:49:39,831
In fact, you took a shit
on the hood of my oldsmobile.
985
00:49:40,398 --> 00:49:42,365
Yeah, coz you called it the, uh,
986
00:49:42,499 --> 00:49:44,969
- shitmobile.
- Yeah.
987
00:49:45,102 --> 00:49:46,671
That was funny, yeah.
988
00:49:48,573 --> 00:49:50,075
You know what wasn't funny?
989
00:49:51,175 --> 00:49:54,177
My dad saved up for six months
to surprise me with that.
990
00:49:54,912 --> 00:49:57,081
I didn't want to go home
to show him it.
991
00:49:57,481 --> 00:49:58,483
So, instead,
992
00:49:58,883 --> 00:50:00,251
I stood in that parking lot
993
00:50:00,385 --> 00:50:02,354
and I cleaned it
in front of everybody.
994
00:50:04,454 --> 00:50:05,556
Yeah.
995
00:50:06,524 --> 00:50:07,859
You were the shit, man.
996
00:50:10,628 --> 00:50:12,497
But today,
997
00:50:13,898 --> 00:50:16,767
today you couldn't take a shit
on all the cars I own.
998
00:50:17,869 --> 00:50:19,970
Even if I gave you
a month to do it.
999
00:50:20,504 --> 00:50:22,374
Unless you have cholera,
or something.
1000
00:50:23,307 --> 00:50:24,474
- Fuck you.
- Travis.
1001
00:50:24,608 --> 00:50:26,777
- Stop it.
- No, it's okay.
1002
00:50:27,244 --> 00:50:28,345
Karma's a bitch, bro.
1003
00:50:28,479 --> 00:50:30,915
- You wanna dance?
- I just did!
1004
00:50:31,048 --> 00:50:32,048
With your girl.
1005
00:50:36,988 --> 00:50:38,690
Whoa! Hey!
1006
00:50:40,691 --> 00:50:42,760
That's 12 years of jiu-jitsu,
you dumb bitch.
1007
00:50:42,894 --> 00:50:44,995
Kick his ass, trav!
1008
00:50:46,631 --> 00:50:50,033
All right, sailors,
that's enough.
1009
00:50:50,401 --> 00:50:51,536
Mike? Where's Mike?
1010
00:50:52,070 --> 00:50:54,905
I want a prom king recount,
right now, motherfucker.
1011
00:50:55,439 --> 00:50:57,676
Whoo! Let's go.
1012
00:50:59,677 --> 00:51:02,280
I get a hazard bonus
for fights, fyi.
1013
00:51:02,414 --> 00:51:03,654
- Check the contract.
- Michael.
1014
00:51:03,780 --> 00:51:05,382
Uh, we're gonna leave.
1015
00:51:05,517 --> 00:51:06,518
Oh, really? Already?
1016
00:51:06,651 --> 00:51:07,771
Figured the main event would
1017
00:51:07,818 --> 00:51:09,086
last more than two rounds.
1018
00:51:09,220 --> 00:51:10,655
Not sure I got my money's worth.
1019
00:51:10,787 --> 00:51:13,557
Okay, I'll walk you to the door.
1020
00:51:18,530 --> 00:51:20,465
- Fuck that guy.
- Yeah, fuck that guy.
1021
00:51:20,597 --> 00:51:22,375
- I was about to fuck him up.
- Yeah, you were.
1022
00:51:22,399 --> 00:51:24,970
If he hadn't thrown you
to the ground and pinned you,
1023
00:51:25,102 --> 00:51:27,671
completely immobilizing
your arms, legs, and body,
1024
00:51:27,805 --> 00:51:29,407
you'd have totally
fucked him up.
1025
00:51:29,541 --> 00:51:32,142
- My heart's really pounding.
- That's normal.
1026
00:51:32,276 --> 00:51:35,079
You think it's from the fight
or from the cocaine?
1027
00:51:35,947 --> 00:51:36,947
Yes.
1028
00:51:38,716 --> 00:51:40,117
Good job, son.
1029
00:51:40,619 --> 00:51:43,187
- Lovely party.
- Glad someone had a good time.
1030
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,889
Not us, but someone.
1031
00:51:45,021 --> 00:51:46,490
You okay, pops?
1032
00:51:46,624 --> 00:51:48,291
Wouldn't be here if I weren't.
1033
00:51:48,425 --> 00:51:50,093
- Goodnight, dear.
- Night, momma.
1034
00:51:50,695 --> 00:51:52,330
You should apply for that job.
1035
00:51:52,729 --> 00:51:54,432
- Think so?
- What job?
1036
00:51:54,731 --> 00:51:56,767
What the hell?
All they can tell you, is no.
1037
00:51:56,901 --> 00:51:59,437
What job?
1038
00:52:11,249 --> 00:52:15,486
This evening is testing
my true faith in humanity.
1039
00:52:18,356 --> 00:52:20,725
Oh, seriously, who farted?
1040
00:52:22,827 --> 00:52:24,062
Uh, that would be me.
1041
00:52:25,030 --> 00:52:27,698
Uh, deviled eggs
don't eat themselves.
1042
00:52:30,235 --> 00:52:31,936
All right, you kiddies
get outta here.
1043
00:52:32,068 --> 00:52:33,704
- Send Pam in.
- All right.
1044
00:52:38,809 --> 00:52:40,678
She's not out here, bro.
1045
00:52:41,745 --> 00:52:43,014
Where'd she go?
1046
00:52:44,048 --> 00:52:45,950
Hey! We should do one shirtless.
1047
00:52:46,517 --> 00:52:47,785
Fuck it, let's do it.
1048
00:52:57,528 --> 00:53:00,931
Hey. Enough
with the '80s already.
1049
00:53:01,066 --> 00:53:03,634
- Ain't that the truth.
- It's time to move on.
1050
00:53:03,767 --> 00:53:05,903
- Am I right?
- Yes.
1051
00:53:08,539 --> 00:53:09,573
High five.
1052
00:53:09,707 --> 00:53:11,409
Give me the keys, mayor.
1053
00:53:11,541 --> 00:53:13,644
All right. All yours.
1054
00:53:21,718 --> 00:53:22,820
Jeez.
1055
00:53:23,687 --> 00:53:25,657
Moving on, fuckbags.
1056
00:53:48,778 --> 00:53:50,380
Hey, man. Have you seen my wife?
1057
00:53:50,514 --> 00:53:51,782
- Your wife?
- Yeah.
1058
00:53:51,916 --> 00:53:54,718
You know the Hebrew word
for wife is "eesha".
1059
00:53:55,119 --> 00:53:56,887
Which literally means
"my woman".
1060
00:53:57,021 --> 00:53:59,157
"Eesh" being the word for "man".
1061
00:54:00,423 --> 00:54:01,692
Appreciate your help.
1062
00:54:19,811 --> 00:54:21,046
Fuck me.
1063
00:54:25,282 --> 00:54:27,351
- It's not what you think.
- No?
1064
00:54:28,151 --> 00:54:29,151
Uh...
1065
00:54:29,820 --> 00:54:31,456
Pretty sure
it's exactly what I think.
1066
00:54:31,588 --> 00:54:34,791
I just... I needed a quiet place
to send a quick email.
1067
00:54:37,994 --> 00:54:40,598
Quick email? This is a war room.
1068
00:54:41,698 --> 00:54:43,367
You have a problem, Pam.
1069
00:54:43,501 --> 00:54:45,002
No, that's... that's not true.
1070
00:54:45,135 --> 00:54:47,604
I think I've been in denial
this whole time.
1071
00:54:47,738 --> 00:54:50,207
There's no going back from this.
1072
00:54:51,008 --> 00:54:52,408
You're a deal junkie.
1073
00:54:52,543 --> 00:54:54,544
That's... that's not fair.
1074
00:54:54,678 --> 00:54:56,247
I don't think
you're in a position
1075
00:54:56,381 --> 00:54:57,615
to rule on what's fair.
1076
00:54:57,747 --> 00:54:58,849
Councilor.
1077
00:55:01,084 --> 00:55:02,686
Good luck with your deal.
1078
00:55:03,153 --> 00:55:04,322
Mike. Wait.
1079
00:55:04,655 --> 00:55:07,992
I do it for you. I do it
for the kids. I do it for us.
1080
00:55:22,773 --> 00:55:24,841
Bounce! Bounce!
1081
00:55:24,974 --> 00:55:27,745
Bounce! Bounce!
1082
00:55:32,749 --> 00:55:35,219
- Find the missus?
- I did.
1083
00:55:35,954 --> 00:55:37,254
Where is she?
1084
00:55:37,854 --> 00:55:40,256
Faxing her boyfriend
in the janitor's closet.
1085
00:55:40,890 --> 00:55:42,961
Hoo. That sounds hot.
1086
00:55:45,329 --> 00:55:46,697
Thanks for the support.
1087
00:55:55,907 --> 00:55:57,642
- Madame.
- You've lost your shirt.
1088
00:55:58,008 --> 00:55:59,443
Oh, yeah. I guess I have.
1089
00:56:01,577 --> 00:56:05,115
"There's scarcely any passion
without struggle."
1090
00:56:05,649 --> 00:56:06,884
What's that?
1091
00:56:07,385 --> 00:56:08,553
Albert camus.
1092
00:56:08,952 --> 00:56:09,820
Friend of yours?
1093
00:56:09,954 --> 00:56:11,287
No, just a hero
1094
00:56:11,421 --> 00:56:12,421
who has the courage
1095
00:56:12,524 --> 00:56:14,225
to drive himself into a tree.
1096
00:56:15,593 --> 00:56:16,728
Cool.
1097
00:56:20,497 --> 00:56:22,298
You know, the surprise
is supposed to be
1098
00:56:22,432 --> 00:56:25,202
your guests hiding from you,
not you hiding from you guests?
1099
00:56:27,537 --> 00:56:28,537
What's the matter?
1100
00:56:29,439 --> 00:56:31,108
I'm just...
1101
00:56:31,809 --> 00:56:33,177
So fucking exhausted.
1102
00:56:33,577 --> 00:56:35,211
This is they part
they don't tell you
1103
00:56:35,345 --> 00:56:37,881
about being an adult.
It's just so fucking tiring.
1104
00:56:38,515 --> 00:56:39,515
You okay?
1105
00:56:41,151 --> 00:56:42,454
Will you help me pack?
1106
00:56:43,488 --> 00:56:45,023
Yes, I'll help you pack.
1107
00:56:47,057 --> 00:56:48,459
Is that a fax machine?
1108
00:56:48,591 --> 00:56:49,591
Yeah.
1109
00:56:49,693 --> 00:56:50,895
You're a psycho.
1110
00:57:03,474 --> 00:57:05,742
Oh, Travis!
1111
00:57:05,876 --> 00:57:07,812
We're so primal!
1112
00:57:08,378 --> 00:57:11,447
I want to rip off your face
like a praying mantis.
1113
00:57:11,582 --> 00:57:12,650
Okay. Shut up. Shut up.
1114
00:57:12,783 --> 00:57:15,019
You can't silence my passions!
1115
00:57:15,151 --> 00:57:17,320
They will not be squelched.
1116
00:57:17,454 --> 00:57:19,856
- I shower you. I shower you.
- What is...
1117
00:57:19,990 --> 00:57:21,825
- Stop that! Stop that!
- My passion.
1118
00:57:21,959 --> 00:57:24,962
- Shower you.
- What is wrong with you, lady?
1119
00:57:25,229 --> 00:57:26,229
Come on.
1120
00:57:40,010 --> 00:57:41,043
Gentlemen.
1121
00:57:41,378 --> 00:57:44,082
I think your girl
has gone rogue.
1122
00:57:54,191 --> 00:57:56,560
Karen! Karen!
1123
00:57:57,126 --> 00:57:59,396
Karen!
1124
00:58:03,533 --> 00:58:04,533
Karen!
1125
00:58:08,939 --> 00:58:10,240
Why don't you come down here
1126
00:58:10,374 --> 00:58:12,343
and call me
hamburglar to my face?
1127
00:58:13,343 --> 00:58:15,012
And for the record?
1128
00:58:15,146 --> 00:58:18,149
I was a hipster before we were
ever even called that.
1129
00:58:25,155 --> 00:58:26,390
You just invited us to
1130
00:58:26,524 --> 00:58:28,293
make fun of us
on your text chain.
1131
00:58:28,793 --> 00:58:30,762
Like you did when we were kids.
1132
00:58:30,894 --> 00:58:33,297
We didn't even have texts
back then,
1133
00:58:33,430 --> 00:58:34,631
elvira.
1134
00:58:34,765 --> 00:58:37,368
We would draw pictures of you
and pass it around
1135
00:58:37,501 --> 00:58:38,535
on folded-up notes.
1136
00:58:44,742 --> 00:58:45,743
Oh.
1137
00:58:45,876 --> 00:58:46,876
- Hey.
- Hi.
1138
00:58:46,977 --> 00:58:48,244
Did you just come out of the...
1139
00:58:48,378 --> 00:58:50,480
Ooh, my bad. I gotta go find...
1140
00:58:52,015 --> 00:58:53,517
Do you have a cigar?
1141
00:58:53,651 --> 00:58:55,954
Um, sorry, I don't smoke.
1142
00:58:56,921 --> 00:59:00,457
Ah. A delusional life extender.
1143
00:59:00,957 --> 00:59:02,860
Your kind disgusts me.
1144
00:59:07,064 --> 00:59:08,299
Get out of here.
1145
00:59:09,466 --> 00:59:10,767
- Thank you.
- You okay?
1146
00:59:10,901 --> 00:59:12,270
- Yeah. Thank you.
- All right.
1147
00:59:13,604 --> 00:59:15,639
You guys are the same
cliquey assholes
1148
00:59:15,773 --> 00:59:17,108
you were in high school.
1149
00:59:17,474 --> 00:59:19,709
Except with a net worth
that's a fraction of mine.
1150
00:59:19,843 --> 00:59:21,611
And most of that is Pam's.
1151
00:59:21,745 --> 00:59:23,448
Pam, good job. I'm a fan.
1152
00:59:23,581 --> 00:59:24,215
Thank you.
1153
00:59:24,347 --> 00:59:26,050
What the fuck is that?
1154
00:59:26,182 --> 00:59:28,518
- What the fuck is what?
- All over your face?
1155
00:59:30,287 --> 00:59:32,822
You smell like Mike and ikes.
1156
00:59:32,957 --> 00:59:34,292
Oh. Uh.
1157
00:59:35,425 --> 00:59:36,425
Seriously?
1158
00:59:36,827 --> 00:59:37,827
What?
1159
00:59:37,894 --> 00:59:39,963
Again with professor McGonagall?
1160
00:59:40,097 --> 00:59:41,732
- What do you care?
- That's a...
1161
00:59:42,233 --> 00:59:44,168
Great, fucking question.
1162
00:59:45,236 --> 00:59:47,839
Yeah. Well, bon-fucking-jour.
1163
00:59:48,238 --> 00:59:50,273
- Bon, dear, bon.
- Get outta here.
1164
00:59:50,407 --> 00:59:52,275
Right. That's enough!
1165
00:59:53,177 --> 00:59:55,678
You folks are worse
than a shipload of sailors
1166
00:59:55,812 --> 00:59:57,581
on a one-night pass.
1167
00:59:59,115 --> 01:00:01,084
You ought to get out more often.
1168
01:00:01,218 --> 01:00:04,254
And by get out, I mean
some place other than here.
1169
01:00:04,387 --> 01:00:05,756
We haven't had cake yet.
1170
01:00:05,890 --> 01:00:08,893
Enough with the fucking cake,
already, Dougie.
1171
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:11,128
Anything you leave
can be claimed
1172
01:00:11,262 --> 01:00:13,263
on the street in the morning.
1173
01:00:13,396 --> 01:00:14,599
Savages!
1174
01:00:16,066 --> 01:00:17,635
Jesus Christ. I can't believe
1175
01:00:17,767 --> 01:00:20,036
I skipped animal planet
for this horseshit.
1176
01:00:20,171 --> 01:00:21,806
Who wants to get a real drink?
1177
01:00:22,206 --> 01:00:23,372
I own a bar downtown.
1178
01:00:23,640 --> 01:00:26,243
I've never been there,
but it gets good profit.
1179
01:00:26,376 --> 01:00:28,646
- You had me at "your own bar".
- All right.
1180
01:00:34,852 --> 01:00:36,754
Oh, Michael?
I knew you wouldn't be
1181
01:00:36,887 --> 01:00:39,490
much of an opponent,
but I just felt bad for you.
1182
01:00:39,624 --> 01:00:41,292
Sitting at home
with your kids all day,
1183
01:00:41,425 --> 01:00:43,026
posting all those
mopey pictures.
1184
01:00:43,327 --> 01:00:45,363
I thought this might
cheer you up, but, um,
1185
01:00:45,495 --> 01:00:46,965
if you can't figure out a way to
1186
01:00:47,097 --> 01:00:48,607
wrangle a few digital
sheep into a pen,
1187
01:00:48,631 --> 01:00:51,369
then maybe you shouldn't
be playing this game at all.
1188
01:00:56,305 --> 01:00:59,043
So, I guess I'm gonna be
heading out with those guys. So.
1189
01:01:07,483 --> 01:01:09,786
Hey, you guys wanna get an uber
to my mom's house?
1190
01:01:09,919 --> 01:01:10,919
Sure.
1191
01:01:10,954 --> 01:01:12,422
I'll get my own. Thanks.
1192
01:01:12,557 --> 01:01:14,325
At this rate I'll probably
sober up in time
1193
01:01:14,457 --> 01:01:16,961
to take my 7 A.M.
power yoga class.
1194
01:01:17,394 --> 01:01:19,896
- Are you kidding me right now?
- What?
1195
01:01:20,164 --> 01:01:22,466
You're just gonna take the loss,
call it a night?
1196
01:01:22,599 --> 01:01:24,702
I tried to pay off
the old sea hag,
1197
01:01:24,836 --> 01:01:26,503
but he's not letting
us back in there.
1198
01:01:26,637 --> 01:01:29,073
I don't mean
to go back in there.
1199
01:01:30,608 --> 01:01:33,343
That's where you guys
wanted to spend my birthday.
1200
01:01:33,477 --> 01:01:35,612
Did it ever
occur to you to wonder
1201
01:01:35,745 --> 01:01:38,282
what I would wanna do
on my birthday?
1202
01:01:38,416 --> 01:01:39,883
Where do you wanna go tonight?
1203
01:01:40,017 --> 01:01:42,919
I don't know. Just something
where I'm the decider.
1204
01:01:43,053 --> 01:01:44,521
Maybe you're never the decider
1205
01:01:44,655 --> 01:01:46,255
because you don't know
what you wanna do.
1206
01:01:46,356 --> 01:01:47,791
Shut up, Doug. I'm thinking.
1207
01:01:47,925 --> 01:01:48,758
Oh.
1208
01:01:48,892 --> 01:01:50,094
Fine.
1209
01:01:52,396 --> 01:01:53,731
I know what I wanna do.
1210
01:01:54,497 --> 01:01:56,700
- Then call it.
- I wanna go toilet papering.
1211
01:01:56,834 --> 01:01:58,135
Ah, four-eyed Phyllis?
1212
01:01:58,267 --> 01:01:59,669
You know she only
has two eyes now.
1213
01:01:59,803 --> 01:02:01,105
I don't...
1214
01:02:01,238 --> 01:02:02,906
I don't care is she's blind
or not blind,
1215
01:02:03,039 --> 01:02:04,874
I wanna do that shit up.
1216
01:02:05,008 --> 01:02:06,910
- Savage.
- Her dad...
1217
01:02:07,477 --> 01:02:09,245
Just installed
a surveillance camera.
1218
01:02:09,378 --> 01:02:11,048
It's easily disabled.
1219
01:02:13,184 --> 01:02:17,655
From what I have read
on the Internet.
1220
01:02:19,021 --> 01:02:20,657
Are you serious, councilor?
1221
01:02:21,658 --> 01:02:23,561
Serious as a cease-and-desist.
1222
01:02:23,693 --> 01:02:25,495
I don't think it's a good idea.
1223
01:02:26,796 --> 01:02:29,233
You never took me along
1224
01:02:29,365 --> 01:02:31,068
to vandalize
1225
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:34,003
that poor girl's house.
Not once.
1226
01:02:34,137 --> 01:02:37,540
Oh, my god. Did we hurt
your feeling?
1227
01:02:37,675 --> 01:02:40,244
Dude, I spent my entire youth
1228
01:02:40,678 --> 01:02:42,814
wishing I could hang out
with you guys.
1229
01:02:42,947 --> 01:02:44,615
And this is what I was missing?
1230
01:02:44,981 --> 01:02:45,981
Yeah.
1231
01:02:46,316 --> 01:02:47,752
What's it to you?
1232
01:02:49,019 --> 01:02:50,187
Where are you going?
1233
01:02:50,320 --> 01:02:51,564
I'm going downtown
to get a drink.
1234
01:02:51,588 --> 01:02:53,422
Hey. Do you want
me to come with you?
1235
01:02:53,557 --> 01:02:54,557
No.
1236
01:02:54,724 --> 01:02:56,760
You take my sister
toilet papering.
1237
01:02:57,361 --> 01:02:58,862
But you almost did it, Doug.
1238
01:02:59,428 --> 01:03:00,430
I'm proud of you.
1239
01:03:00,731 --> 01:03:02,499
If I was
just a little bit drunker
1240
01:03:02,633 --> 01:03:04,468
and you still
had all your teeth,
1241
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:06,068
you could've made this work out.
1242
01:03:06,570 --> 01:03:08,372
Progress was made, big buddy.
1243
01:03:08,939 --> 01:03:10,308
Progress was made.
1244
01:03:21,885 --> 01:03:22,887
Phyllis go home?
1245
01:03:23,287 --> 01:03:24,622
She did.
1246
01:03:25,389 --> 01:03:26,923
Are you the guy
that toilet papers
1247
01:03:27,057 --> 01:03:28,057
her folks' house?
1248
01:03:28,124 --> 01:03:29,860
She said he came in tonight.
1249
01:03:30,961 --> 01:03:31,961
No.
1250
01:03:32,695 --> 01:03:34,564
I'm just a very diligent wiper.
1251
01:03:35,465 --> 01:03:37,834
Looks like you're ready
for business, then.
1252
01:03:39,169 --> 01:03:40,337
Yes.
1253
01:03:40,570 --> 01:03:42,672
Hey, Mr. Whipple, car's here,
let's go.
1254
01:03:44,541 --> 01:03:47,576
Well, we all
have our special gifts.
1255
01:03:47,910 --> 01:03:50,747
- I saw you eat a piece of pizza.
- It was delicious.
1256
01:03:56,787 --> 01:03:58,989
Hey, my man,
you mind killing these lights?
1257
01:03:59,423 --> 01:04:00,590
Dude turn off the lights.
1258
01:04:00,724 --> 01:04:01,901
I think he's concerned
he's ubering us
1259
01:04:01,925 --> 01:04:03,025
on a drive-by.
1260
01:04:03,327 --> 01:04:05,129
- Stop!
- What!
1261
01:04:05,262 --> 01:04:06,829
- That's it.
- What's it?
1262
01:04:07,064 --> 01:04:09,100
That's the song
I've been requesting all night.
1263
01:04:09,233 --> 01:04:11,168
Dude, this song is from 2006.
1264
01:04:11,302 --> 01:04:14,437
Yeah, Dougie, you know this is
the song that band was playing
1265
01:04:14,570 --> 01:04:16,973
when you stage-dived
and broke your clavicle.
1266
01:04:17,474 --> 01:04:20,776
Oh. At the osteoporosis benefit.
1267
01:04:21,178 --> 01:04:24,182
No wonder he didn't know
what I was talking about.
1268
01:04:26,048 --> 01:04:27,584
It's go-time, people.
1269
01:04:36,026 --> 01:04:38,396
Don't worry, I got you, boo.
Four stars.
1270
01:04:39,162 --> 01:04:41,698
You lose one because of
that funyun smell in here.
1271
01:04:50,907 --> 01:04:53,276
Guys,
are we really feeling this?
1272
01:04:53,410 --> 01:04:54,878
I'm kinda tired
and the babysitter
1273
01:04:55,012 --> 01:04:56,312
just hit triple digits.
1274
01:04:56,445 --> 01:04:58,781
- Don't be a pussy, Mike.
- Whoa. A pussy? Okay.
1275
01:04:58,916 --> 01:05:01,584
Three hours ago you called me
a dick, now I'm a pussy.
1276
01:05:01,718 --> 01:05:03,387
Who's the dick now, captain tp?
1277
01:05:03,519 --> 01:05:05,519
Okay, ever since text-a-palooza
happened, over here
1278
01:05:05,555 --> 01:05:07,791
- it's become a fluid situation.
- Ouch.
1279
01:05:08,091 --> 01:05:10,494
- Give me one of those.
- I got you, babe.
1280
01:05:11,628 --> 01:05:14,697
Thank you. It's. You know,
tomorrow's a new day. Okay?
1281
01:05:15,030 --> 01:05:16,065
What is happening?
1282
01:05:16,533 --> 01:05:18,535
I like 40-year old Pam.
She's a badass.
1283
01:05:28,111 --> 01:05:29,111
I'm going in.
1284
01:05:29,479 --> 01:05:31,281
Oh. Leroy Jenkins!
1285
01:05:40,024 --> 01:05:41,892
What can I get you,
mademoiselle?
1286
01:05:42,927 --> 01:05:45,061
Do you know what happened
to the last man
1287
01:05:45,195 --> 01:05:46,229
who said that to me?
1288
01:05:46,762 --> 01:05:50,433
Oh, you smothered him
with your furious passion,
1289
01:05:50,568 --> 01:05:52,468
but denied him the honey
of your fruits,
1290
01:05:52,602 --> 01:05:54,771
causing him
to wither into a husk
1291
01:05:54,905 --> 01:05:57,642
of eternal longing
and desperation?
1292
01:05:59,108 --> 01:06:00,677
How did you know?
1293
01:06:01,977 --> 01:06:03,014
I'm not a chimp.
1294
01:06:07,785 --> 01:06:09,987
Hey, isn't that Pam's sister?
1295
01:06:11,287 --> 01:06:14,157
Well, I'll be Steven
Patrick Morrissey, it is.
1296
01:06:14,490 --> 01:06:15,891
Your sister's
a real piece of work.
1297
01:06:16,026 --> 01:06:17,395
Yeah, she is.
1298
01:06:17,528 --> 01:06:19,163
She stupidly
married into a fraternity,
1299
01:06:19,296 --> 01:06:21,365
but she works harder
than all of us,
1300
01:06:21,499 --> 01:06:23,867
and she still has time
to raise two rad kids.
1301
01:06:24,001 --> 01:06:26,436
Yeah, well, complicity
is culpability.
1302
01:06:26,570 --> 01:06:28,437
She's not the only lawyer
up in here.
1303
01:06:28,939 --> 01:06:30,874
Pam didn't remember
the defining night
1304
01:06:31,006 --> 01:06:32,376
of my adolescence.
1305
01:06:33,544 --> 01:06:35,779
Sleeping
in your dark living room.
1306
01:06:36,213 --> 01:06:38,082
Crawling into my sleeping bag.
1307
01:06:38,416 --> 01:06:40,883
Caressing cabbage patches
in the dark.
1308
01:06:41,017 --> 01:06:43,854
What are you talking about?
That wasn't Pam, that was me.
1309
01:06:43,986 --> 01:06:45,488
- No.
- Yeah.
1310
01:06:46,555 --> 01:06:47,758
It wasn't...
1311
01:06:49,293 --> 01:06:50,593
- Yeah.
- Wait.
1312
01:06:51,961 --> 01:06:52,961
What?
1313
01:06:53,030 --> 01:06:54,598
Remember, sting threw up
on a pillow,
1314
01:06:54,731 --> 01:06:56,533
we had to share one
and you were wearing those
1315
01:06:56,666 --> 01:06:58,835
thundercat underoos.
1316
01:07:01,872 --> 01:07:03,373
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.
1317
01:07:03,807 --> 01:07:06,543
You were, like, the first
edgy girl I'd ever seen.
1318
01:07:06,910 --> 01:07:09,713
So mysterious.
Smoking those cloves.
1319
01:07:09,845 --> 01:07:13,516
In your short skirts
and those doc martens.
1320
01:07:14,617 --> 01:07:16,452
I even hooked up with a girl
freshmen year
1321
01:07:16,586 --> 01:07:18,389
in my dorms who looked like you.
1322
01:07:18,789 --> 01:07:21,024
- You don't say.
- True story.
1323
01:07:21,157 --> 01:07:24,361
You know Klaus martens
was a doctor in world war ii?
1324
01:07:24,494 --> 01:07:26,596
Broke his ankle
skiing in the bavarian alps.
1325
01:07:26,729 --> 01:07:28,932
And found that the standard
wehrmacht boots
1326
01:07:29,066 --> 01:07:32,202
were too painful,
so he invented his own.
1327
01:07:32,769 --> 01:07:34,937
Okay. Thanks for the update,
Anne frank.
1328
01:07:35,072 --> 01:07:36,972
So, where's
the royal court tonight?
1329
01:07:37,106 --> 01:07:39,909
Smashing mailboxes,
tipping cows?
1330
01:07:40,611 --> 01:07:42,913
Close.
A toilet papering mission.
1331
01:07:43,379 --> 01:07:44,615
Did you say toilet papering?
1332
01:07:45,215 --> 01:07:48,584
That pot-bellied motherfucker!
1333
01:07:48,986 --> 01:07:51,389
I thought she was asleep
the whole time.
1334
01:07:52,655 --> 01:07:53,856
- All right.
- Hey.
1335
01:07:55,459 --> 01:07:56,459
Bro.
1336
01:07:58,961 --> 01:08:01,631
Go take it, big boy.
Go, take it.
1337
01:08:02,832 --> 01:08:04,568
Yes! Yes, yes...
1338
01:08:12,309 --> 01:08:15,979
That's it.
Yeah, sweetheart. Good one.
1339
01:08:17,747 --> 01:08:19,048
Here we go.
1340
01:08:22,051 --> 01:08:24,454
- Gotcha!
- Get out of the way.
1341
01:08:40,369 --> 01:08:41,504
Nice.
1342
01:08:43,273 --> 01:08:44,842
Time to bring in the closer.
1343
01:08:55,618 --> 01:08:56,719
Still got it.
1344
01:09:04,293 --> 01:09:06,831
- It's beautiful.
- It really is.
1345
01:09:08,664 --> 01:09:11,202
What if I was meant to do this?
1346
01:09:12,002 --> 01:09:13,070
Tp homes?
1347
01:09:13,403 --> 01:09:14,738
I'm serious, dude.
1348
01:09:15,471 --> 01:09:18,073
What if I was meant to do this?
1349
01:09:19,074 --> 01:09:22,045
I'm decidedly mediocre
at everything.
1350
01:09:22,712 --> 01:09:24,014
I always have been.
1351
01:09:25,382 --> 01:09:27,417
I mean, Pam's a super lawyer.
1352
01:09:27,885 --> 01:09:30,320
Karen can design
a store-front window
1353
01:09:30,453 --> 01:09:32,021
that nobody can ignore.
1354
01:09:32,789 --> 01:09:36,025
Mikey can throw a baseball
100 miles an hour.
1355
01:09:36,892 --> 01:09:38,694
Jesus, what can't you do?
1356
01:09:38,828 --> 01:09:42,265
Resist 65-year old poutine,
evidently.
1357
01:09:43,900 --> 01:09:47,170
I mean, what if I was put
on god's green earth
1358
01:09:47,302 --> 01:09:49,006
to do this?
1359
01:09:49,873 --> 01:09:52,176
If you put it as your profession
on your schedule c,
1360
01:09:52,309 --> 01:09:54,511
you could probably
write off the toilet paper.
1361
01:09:54,644 --> 01:09:55,779
Oh, shit.
1362
01:09:56,312 --> 01:09:57,312
Cops.
1363
01:09:57,581 --> 01:09:59,615
- Quickly, quickly.
- Save these.
1364
01:09:59,749 --> 01:10:01,819
- Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
1365
01:10:01,952 --> 01:10:04,320
- Come on. Follow me.
- My bag!
1366
01:10:04,453 --> 01:10:05,588
Follow me.
1367
01:10:07,289 --> 01:10:08,289
Guys?
1368
01:10:09,124 --> 01:10:10,124
Guys?
1369
01:10:10,660 --> 01:10:12,596
Come on, sweetheart.
Fast as you can.
1370
01:10:12,861 --> 01:10:15,465
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Come on, give me your hand.
1371
01:10:15,599 --> 01:10:17,534
Grab one.
1372
01:10:18,368 --> 01:10:19,937
What are you doing?
1373
01:10:20,069 --> 01:10:21,715
These bags are our life, are you
kidding me I can't leave them.
1374
01:10:21,739 --> 01:10:23,807
Leave the bag,
please, I beg you.
1375
01:10:23,940 --> 01:10:25,609
Bag two.
1376
01:10:27,144 --> 01:10:29,146
- Okay.
- Dammit. Give me your hand.
1377
01:10:29,279 --> 01:10:32,582
- Okay. Good. Pull, pull, pull.
- Ow! I got a splinter.
1378
01:10:32,715 --> 01:10:33,949
Sweetheart.
1379
01:10:34,083 --> 01:10:35,952
I feel like I have a
tweezer in my bag.
1380
01:10:36,086 --> 01:10:39,690
Put your hands up
and walk slowly out to the tre.
1381
01:10:39,823 --> 01:10:41,525
Give it, give it. Come on!
1382
01:10:41,659 --> 01:10:43,994
- Get your foot up there.
- Oh. Oh. Ow.
1383
01:10:44,127 --> 01:10:46,662
- Ma'am.
- Handcuffs? Come on.
1384
01:10:47,396 --> 01:10:48,631
Ma'am, calm down.
1385
01:10:48,765 --> 01:10:50,133
- Pam!
- Ow. Ow.
1386
01:10:50,266 --> 01:10:52,534
- Watch the phone.
- I've got my own.
1387
01:10:52,668 --> 01:10:54,102
Let's go, ladies. Come on.
1388
01:10:54,236 --> 01:10:55,771
Excuse me, I am an attorney.
1389
01:10:56,239 --> 01:10:57,674
- Okay?
- Oh, good.
1390
01:10:57,806 --> 01:11:00,144
Then you can represent yourself.
1391
01:11:00,577 --> 01:11:01,712
Fuck.
1392
01:11:03,212 --> 01:11:05,648
- Fuck.
- The rest ran away.
1393
01:11:19,561 --> 01:11:20,730
Where's Pam?
1394
01:11:21,364 --> 01:11:22,364
The cops got her.
1395
01:11:23,032 --> 01:11:25,135
Dude you saved
the crocodile and not your wife?
1396
01:11:25,269 --> 01:11:27,302
Dude, she could be disbarred
for this.
1397
01:11:27,436 --> 01:11:29,840
Why didn't you just
let them take you?
1398
01:11:29,972 --> 01:11:31,475
It's not like you got a job.
1399
01:11:32,008 --> 01:11:33,142
I didn't think of that.
1400
01:11:33,276 --> 01:11:34,979
She's gonna be so pissed.
1401
01:11:35,845 --> 01:11:37,247
We can't leave her in jail.
1402
01:11:37,381 --> 01:11:38,682
She's too pretty and kind.
1403
01:11:38,815 --> 01:11:40,818
Yeah, and her kids
will be orphans.
1404
01:11:41,784 --> 01:11:43,354
Financially speaking.
1405
01:11:44,620 --> 01:11:45,620
All right.
1406
01:11:46,056 --> 01:11:48,358
Let's go down to the station,
1407
01:11:48,492 --> 01:11:49,793
tell them the whole story,
1408
01:11:49,926 --> 01:11:51,727
and we'll offer ourselves
in exchange.
1409
01:11:51,860 --> 01:11:53,262
They'll let her out, right?
1410
01:11:53,396 --> 01:11:55,331
I don't think
cops barter, buddy.
1411
01:11:56,099 --> 01:11:58,802
But if that's what you wanna do,
I'm down for whatever.
1412
01:11:58,935 --> 01:12:01,270
- Clearly, mon ami.
- Come on.
1413
01:12:07,610 --> 01:12:09,278
It's not mine. Mine's a duck.
1414
01:12:16,220 --> 01:12:17,887
- Hello?
- Hey Pam?
1415
01:12:18,020 --> 01:12:19,756
Um, no, this is her husband.
1416
01:12:19,890 --> 01:12:22,691
The one who hasn't seen her
in three weeks.
1417
01:12:23,193 --> 01:12:25,863
Because you're too pussy
to cut down a couple of trees.
1418
01:12:25,995 --> 01:12:27,698
Clearly you don't know who I a.
1419
01:12:27,831 --> 01:12:29,332
I know exactly who you are.
1420
01:12:29,466 --> 01:12:32,435
You are the prick who can't tie
his own fucking shoelaces
1421
01:12:32,568 --> 01:12:34,671
without calling my wife
in the middle of the night.
1422
01:12:34,803 --> 01:12:36,172
Why don't you just put Pam on?
1423
01:12:36,306 --> 01:12:38,341
I would love
to put her on the phone,
1424
01:12:38,475 --> 01:12:40,610
but the cops
just took her to jail.
1425
01:12:40,743 --> 01:12:42,745
Because she is so stressed,
1426
01:12:42,878 --> 01:12:45,782
holding your tiny,
little hands, Richard,
1427
01:12:45,914 --> 01:12:47,249
to support our family,
1428
01:12:47,382 --> 01:12:49,519
that she took it out
on four-eyed Phyllis.
1429
01:12:49,653 --> 01:12:51,221
Who has her own house now
1430
01:12:51,354 --> 01:12:54,258
and doesn't even have
four eyes anymore!
1431
01:12:59,296 --> 01:13:01,431
Oh, shit.
1432
01:13:01,864 --> 01:13:04,233
- Okay, now I'm in trouble.
- That was bad.
1433
01:13:25,322 --> 01:13:26,322
Guys?
1434
01:13:27,523 --> 01:13:28,758
Stop. Stop.
1435
01:13:29,458 --> 01:13:30,493
Oh, shit.
1436
01:13:37,233 --> 01:13:38,767
Where are you folks headed?
1437
01:13:38,901 --> 01:13:40,845
- Like I'm telling you, copper.
- Shut the fuck up, Dougie.
1438
01:13:40,869 --> 01:13:42,338
We're headed down
to the station.
1439
01:13:42,471 --> 01:13:44,541
I think
you just arrested my wife.
1440
01:13:45,141 --> 01:13:47,810
I figured you were the fools
that threw a surprise party
1441
01:13:47,944 --> 01:13:49,446
before her deal was closed.
1442
01:13:49,578 --> 01:13:50,913
She said that to you?
1443
01:13:51,047 --> 01:13:52,282
Yeah, she did.
1444
01:13:52,681 --> 01:13:55,450
The pressure gets to people,
man. Sometimes they pop.
1445
01:13:55,584 --> 01:13:57,053
Well, I was hoping that...
1446
01:13:57,386 --> 01:14:00,155
You would take me instead.
Can we do an exchange?
1447
01:14:00,289 --> 01:14:02,391
It doesn't work like that,
Tom Cruise.
1448
01:14:04,860 --> 01:14:05,962
Travis?
1449
01:14:06,629 --> 01:14:07,730
Hey.
1450
01:14:07,864 --> 01:14:09,232
How'd you end up
with these idiots?
1451
01:14:09,364 --> 01:14:12,334
Uh, are you kidding?
He's the chief idiot.
1452
01:14:12,468 --> 01:14:13,468
Not now.
1453
01:14:14,636 --> 01:14:15,838
Is there anything I can do?
1454
01:14:16,006 --> 01:14:17,907
Other than lose your job
with good benefits
1455
01:14:18,041 --> 01:14:19,709
because you
and your friends decided
1456
01:14:19,842 --> 01:14:21,310
to relive
your juvenile delinquency?
1457
01:14:21,444 --> 01:14:23,379
Come on, castillo.
We're the assholes
1458
01:14:23,512 --> 01:14:26,215
who did the toilet papering.
Pam wasn't supposed to be there.
1459
01:14:26,349 --> 01:14:28,184
It's not recommended
for civilians.
1460
01:14:28,318 --> 01:14:30,454
- Dude.
- Hey, get it cleaned up.
1461
01:14:30,587 --> 01:14:32,789
I'll convince them
not to press charges.
1462
01:14:33,190 --> 01:14:35,392
You? Get in the car, Maverick.
1463
01:14:35,525 --> 01:14:36,894
Really? Oh, thank you.
1464
01:14:37,026 --> 01:14:38,895
We'll take care of the yard.
Go get your woman.
1465
01:14:39,029 --> 01:14:41,031
- Good luck, Mike.
- Let's go pick up
1466
01:14:41,163 --> 01:14:41,997
the toilet paper.
1467
01:14:42,131 --> 01:14:43,400
Love you, Mike.
1468
01:14:45,135 --> 01:14:47,436
You're a life saver,
thank you so much.
1469
01:14:50,774 --> 01:14:51,874
No.
1470
01:15:08,925 --> 01:15:11,261
Hey, k. I'm sorry.
1471
01:15:12,194 --> 01:15:14,331
Hey. Come on. Karen.
1472
01:15:14,698 --> 01:15:15,698
I know I fucked up.
1473
01:15:15,765 --> 01:15:16,566
I'm sorry.
1474
01:15:16,699 --> 01:15:17,967
Of course you fucked up.
1475
01:15:18,234 --> 01:15:19,735
You always fuck up.
1476
01:15:19,869 --> 01:15:22,137
Especially when it seems
we're on the verge of thinking
1477
01:15:22,271 --> 01:15:24,608
that whatever this mess of
lip blisters and broken dreams
1478
01:15:24,740 --> 01:15:26,109
has been for the last 30 years,
1479
01:15:26,243 --> 01:15:28,044
is finally coming
to fucking fruition.
1480
01:15:28,176 --> 01:15:31,113
Hold on. You never once told me
how you really felt,
1481
01:15:31,247 --> 01:15:32,449
- so how am I...
- No, no, no.
1482
01:15:32,582 --> 01:15:34,418
You don't get
to play dumb anymore.
1483
01:15:34,551 --> 01:15:37,754
You fucking sabotage
this every chance you get.
1484
01:15:37,887 --> 01:15:39,322
- That's not true.
- You know,
1485
01:15:39,456 --> 01:15:42,993
I have always wondered
why I'm not good enough for you.
1486
01:15:43,627 --> 01:15:45,629
When the real
fucking question is
1487
01:15:46,128 --> 01:15:48,865
why I ever thought
you were good enough for me.
1488
01:15:50,033 --> 01:15:51,200
Doug!
1489
01:15:51,734 --> 01:15:53,169
Give me the damn skippy.
1490
01:16:11,253 --> 01:16:13,023
Richard?
1491
01:16:13,724 --> 01:16:15,859
They wouldn't let me
buy your way out.
1492
01:16:16,191 --> 01:16:17,593
So, I'm on my way in.
1493
01:16:17,727 --> 01:16:21,297
You... you paid to get in here?
1494
01:16:22,664 --> 01:16:25,200
Actually,
I think the term they used
1495
01:16:25,334 --> 01:16:29,137
was attempting to bribe
an officer of the law, but...
1496
01:16:29,504 --> 01:16:31,874
I assured them my attorney
would prove my innocence.
1497
01:16:32,008 --> 01:16:35,845
Oh, I can't even go to jail
without you bothering me.
1498
01:16:35,979 --> 01:16:38,114
Your husband has
made it abundantly clear
1499
01:16:38,247 --> 01:16:41,385
that I have boundary issues.
1500
01:16:41,685 --> 01:16:42,919
Wait. You spoke to Mike?
1501
01:16:43,052 --> 01:16:45,254
He gave me a piece of his mind
1502
01:16:45,387 --> 01:16:47,623
about how I've been abusing you.
1503
01:16:48,791 --> 01:16:50,026
He's protective.
1504
01:16:50,959 --> 01:16:52,095
Seems unstable.
1505
01:16:52,229 --> 01:16:53,463
Well you would be unstable too
1506
01:16:53,596 --> 01:16:55,097
if you had to take care
of two kids,
1507
01:16:55,230 --> 01:16:56,899
do all the laundry,
and the cooking,
1508
01:16:57,034 --> 01:16:59,302
and just hear nothing
but complaints
1509
01:16:59,435 --> 01:17:00,836
from your unappreciative wife
1510
01:17:00,971 --> 01:17:03,139
for throwing her
a lovely surprise party.
1511
01:17:03,271 --> 01:17:05,941
All because she has
a very stubborn client
1512
01:17:06,074 --> 01:17:07,676
who won't just pay to remove
1513
01:17:07,810 --> 01:17:10,279
a couple of Willow trees
from an easement.
1514
01:17:14,150 --> 01:17:16,153
I have been a pain in the ass.
1515
01:17:16,919 --> 01:17:18,721
Because I let you.
1516
01:17:20,990 --> 01:17:22,525
I am a deal junkie.
1517
01:17:24,493 --> 01:17:25,661
If it helps,
1518
01:17:26,262 --> 01:17:28,297
I did what you told me to do.
1519
01:17:28,765 --> 01:17:29,966
Oh, boy.
1520
01:17:30,100 --> 01:17:33,169
I talked to doctor, uh,
douche-bag,
1521
01:17:33,302 --> 01:17:34,436
face-to-face.
1522
01:17:35,038 --> 01:17:37,707
And we agreed one of us
would pay for the tree removal
1523
01:17:37,840 --> 01:17:40,142
and the other one
would waive the encroachment.
1524
01:17:40,275 --> 01:17:41,275
Wait, wait.
1525
01:17:41,377 --> 01:17:43,079
So the deal was back on?
1526
01:17:43,212 --> 01:17:45,514
- Soon as I can sign the papers.
- Which I have with me.
1527
01:17:45,648 --> 01:17:47,182
I think
I have the papers with me.
1528
01:17:47,316 --> 01:17:49,185
That is if Mike got them
off the lawn
1529
01:17:49,319 --> 01:17:50,553
when I was hog-tied.
1530
01:17:52,689 --> 01:17:53,689
Just hold on.
1531
01:18:15,778 --> 01:18:17,014
Hey, guys.
1532
01:18:19,916 --> 01:18:21,717
You should be in jail by now.
1533
01:18:21,851 --> 01:18:22,719
We should,
1534
01:18:22,851 --> 01:18:24,354
but unfortunately,
1535
01:18:24,486 --> 01:18:26,957
Pam is the only one
that was incarcerated.
1536
01:18:27,423 --> 01:18:29,225
Mike's worried
she might get disbarred.
1537
01:18:29,359 --> 01:18:31,394
We were hoping
if we cleaned up the mess,
1538
01:18:31,526 --> 01:18:33,296
you might drop the charges.
1539
01:18:33,896 --> 01:18:34,930
Why do you do this?
1540
01:18:35,398 --> 01:18:37,766
My dad is a Saint
and he has enough to worry about
1541
01:18:37,900 --> 01:18:39,368
without all this bullshit.
1542
01:18:40,102 --> 01:18:41,303
Not that you'd care.
1543
01:18:41,437 --> 01:18:42,572
I care.
1544
01:18:43,806 --> 01:18:44,673
What's wrong?
1545
01:18:44,806 --> 01:18:45,941
What isn't?
1546
01:18:46,208 --> 01:18:47,768
My dad spends half his week
at hospitals
1547
01:18:47,810 --> 01:18:50,446
and I moved back home
and I quit my job and...
1548
01:18:50,812 --> 01:18:51,812
Whatever.
1549
01:18:53,115 --> 01:18:55,084
My mom has a bum thyroid.
1550
01:18:55,217 --> 01:18:56,819
Mine has skin cancer.
1551
01:18:57,787 --> 01:18:58,822
Mine's gone.
1552
01:19:00,623 --> 01:19:01,725
Two months ago.
1553
01:19:05,026 --> 01:19:06,262
I'm really sorry.
1554
01:19:07,296 --> 01:19:08,398
About everything.
1555
01:19:09,833 --> 01:19:11,000
Life.
1556
01:19:11,133 --> 01:19:12,501
So beautiful.
1557
01:19:12,868 --> 01:19:14,137
And so fleeting.
1558
01:19:20,510 --> 01:19:21,510
Hey!
1559
01:19:22,979 --> 01:19:24,614
You did this!
1560
01:19:31,654 --> 01:19:32,654
Yes, sir.
1561
01:19:33,523 --> 01:19:34,523
I did.
1562
01:19:35,992 --> 01:19:37,093
Me too.
1563
01:19:37,793 --> 01:19:38,793
And me!
1564
01:19:39,095 --> 01:19:40,297
Spartacus.
1565
01:19:40,962 --> 01:19:41,965
Sure.
1566
01:19:42,097 --> 01:19:43,199
Whatever.
1567
01:19:43,733 --> 01:19:44,733
Sorry, dad.
1568
01:19:44,800 --> 01:19:46,269
We'll clean it up.
1569
01:19:47,537 --> 01:19:49,139
You all need to grow up.
1570
01:19:52,542 --> 01:19:54,477
- Your dad's nice.
- He's not wrong.
1571
01:20:06,256 --> 01:20:08,725
So, I guess I just start
cleaning up, or...
1572
01:20:12,761 --> 01:20:14,896
You know,
they should have a place
1573
01:20:15,030 --> 01:20:17,699
where adults can go and tp
and let off steam
1574
01:20:17,833 --> 01:20:21,370
without the fear
of their spouse being arrested.
1575
01:20:22,504 --> 01:20:23,706
I'd invest in that.
1576
01:20:24,039 --> 01:20:25,039
Really?
1577
01:20:25,240 --> 01:20:26,240
Well, why not?
1578
01:20:26,609 --> 01:20:28,276
They got adult coloring books,
1579
01:20:28,410 --> 01:20:30,178
those mature fidget spinners.
1580
01:20:30,879 --> 01:20:32,815
Couldn't be dumber
than that shit.
1581
01:20:33,114 --> 01:20:34,114
Let's do it.
1582
01:20:34,316 --> 01:20:35,417
All right.
1583
01:20:37,020 --> 01:20:38,020
Hey.
1584
01:20:39,122 --> 01:20:41,391
Hey, hey. I got it. I got it.
1585
01:20:44,926 --> 01:20:46,428
Listen, you know this.
1586
01:20:48,431 --> 01:20:49,671
I don't have the best luck with
1587
01:20:49,731 --> 01:20:51,301
people sticking
around in my life.
1588
01:20:51,601 --> 01:20:52,903
But you're still here.
1589
01:20:54,470 --> 01:20:55,704
And the thing that...
1590
01:20:56,872 --> 01:20:57,872
Fucking scares me,
1591
01:20:59,141 --> 01:21:00,843
really, fucking scares me,
1592
01:21:02,110 --> 01:21:04,814
is that we give this a go
and you leave me too.
1593
01:21:09,385 --> 01:21:10,486
Well.
1594
01:21:13,489 --> 01:21:15,458
You better man-the-fuck-up.
1595
01:21:17,392 --> 01:21:18,662
Motherfucker.
1596
01:21:23,300 --> 01:21:25,068
All this papier toilette
1597
01:21:25,501 --> 01:21:27,904
and still so much mèrde
in the world.
1598
01:21:48,358 --> 01:21:50,459
Dude, come on.
1599
01:22:27,061 --> 01:22:28,363
Oh, baby.
1600
01:22:28,498 --> 01:22:30,108
- I'm so sorry...
- Tell me you have my bags.
1601
01:22:30,132 --> 01:22:31,534
Of course I do.
1602
01:22:32,333 --> 01:22:33,569
Oh, this is Mike.
1603
01:22:34,270 --> 01:22:35,571
We spoke on the phone.
1604
01:22:35,703 --> 01:22:38,041
- Oh, you're...
- Real husband meet work husband.
1605
01:22:38,173 --> 01:22:39,242
This is Richard.
1606
01:22:39,742 --> 01:22:42,745
All right.
We have a deal to close.
1607
01:22:46,649 --> 01:22:48,351
Here's the last one.
1608
01:22:51,488 --> 01:22:53,155
I'd be lost without your wife.
1609
01:22:53,489 --> 01:22:55,625
Ditto, man. She's the best.
1610
01:22:56,458 --> 01:22:57,592
Get some rest, Pamela.
1611
01:22:58,127 --> 01:23:00,797
Call me, if there are
any last-second hiccups.
1612
01:23:05,400 --> 01:23:06,802
Pamela young!
1613
01:23:07,169 --> 01:23:08,570
Holy shit.
1614
01:23:09,038 --> 01:23:10,106
Look at you.
1615
01:23:10,840 --> 01:23:13,043
You never cease to amaze me.
1616
01:23:15,176 --> 01:23:17,145
I...
1617
01:23:17,747 --> 01:23:19,949
I appreciate everything
that you do for us.
1618
01:23:20,082 --> 01:23:22,685
I'm so sorry that I hijacked
your birthday.
1619
01:23:22,819 --> 01:23:24,954
I'm sorry that I jumped
that fence before you.
1620
01:23:25,087 --> 01:23:28,190
- That will never happen again.
- Gosh, don't say sorry.
1621
01:23:28,324 --> 01:23:30,026
I finally got to tp a house.
1622
01:23:30,159 --> 01:23:33,062
And I still closed my deal.
1623
01:23:34,062 --> 01:23:36,666
Plus, your birthday
is coming up real soon, so.
1624
01:23:37,233 --> 01:23:38,868
You'd better watch your...
1625
01:23:39,267 --> 01:23:40,369
Ass.
1626
01:23:46,208 --> 01:23:47,344
Nice pants, man.
1627
01:23:55,083 --> 01:23:57,354
Happy birthday!
1628
01:23:59,488 --> 01:24:02,025
What did I say about surprises?
1629
01:24:20,309 --> 01:24:21,811
- Look.
- Aw.
1630
01:24:29,351 --> 01:24:30,852
It should be about the cubs.
1631
01:24:30,986 --> 01:24:32,754
Tell me
what the socks have done lately.
1632
01:24:32,889 --> 01:24:36,525
- Michael.
- Oh. Hey, coach.
1633
01:24:38,727 --> 01:24:41,564
- Where are your pants, son?
- Oh, uh...
1634
01:24:42,898 --> 01:24:45,234
Pam's birthday. Long story.
1635
01:24:45,568 --> 01:24:47,270
Uh, I've been meaning
to call you.
1636
01:24:47,403 --> 01:24:48,503
Don't know if you've heard,
1637
01:24:48,636 --> 01:24:50,706
I already told him
all that stuff.
1638
01:24:50,840 --> 01:24:52,842
Get on with it,
I've got a double-header.
1639
01:24:52,975 --> 01:24:54,642
Having trouble
finding a replacement.
1640
01:24:54,776 --> 01:24:56,278
I don't have
a teaching credential.
1641
01:24:56,412 --> 01:24:59,282
Fortunately, your services
aren't needed to teach physics.
1642
01:24:59,849 --> 01:25:01,650
Oh, good. Yeah, I, uh,
1643
01:25:01,784 --> 01:25:04,554
the only reason I passed
was by copying Pam anyway.
1644
01:25:04,921 --> 01:25:06,497
Well, why don't you come by
and see me on Monday.
1645
01:25:06,521 --> 01:25:07,523
We'll talk about it.
1646
01:25:07,923 --> 01:25:09,993
- Yes, sir.
- And, uh, Mike,
1647
01:25:10,560 --> 01:25:11,828
wear some god damn pants.
1648
01:25:11,961 --> 01:25:13,596
I'm gonna ask the
principal to come by.
1649
01:25:14,029 --> 01:25:15,297
Pants. Check.
1650
01:25:15,431 --> 01:25:17,432
Oh, and, uh,
happy birthday, Pam.
1651
01:25:17,565 --> 01:25:19,968
Oh, thanks, coach.
1652
01:25:28,977 --> 01:25:30,913
I'm sure I could still
get the kids to school.
1653
01:25:31,046 --> 01:25:33,983
You know practices are in the
afternoon, a few weekend games.
1654
01:25:34,115 --> 01:25:35,118
Mike.
1655
01:25:35,851 --> 01:25:36,851
Pam.
1656
01:25:37,453 --> 01:25:38,855
Michael.
1657
01:25:40,323 --> 01:25:41,356
Pamela.
1658
01:25:41,724 --> 01:25:42,992
I see you.
1659
01:25:43,492 --> 01:25:45,026
I appreciate you.
1660
01:25:45,327 --> 01:25:46,361
And I love you.
1661
01:25:46,762 --> 01:25:48,896
And if this is
what makes you happy,
1662
01:25:49,030 --> 01:25:51,467
then that's
what I want you to do.
1663
01:25:55,104 --> 01:25:57,539
So am I still
on sexy time restriction?
1664
01:26:00,309 --> 01:26:02,212
Upgraded to probation.
1665
01:26:10,619 --> 01:26:13,122
- I love you, Pam.
- I love you too.
1666
01:26:16,124 --> 01:26:20,061
Now, will you please,
for the love of god,
1667
01:26:20,195 --> 01:26:21,797
take me home.
1668
01:26:22,597 --> 01:26:23,733
Yes, ma'am.
1669
01:26:52,294 --> 01:26:53,294
Hi.
1670
01:26:54,564 --> 01:26:56,865
Hey, I'm thinking
about investing.
1671
01:26:57,132 --> 01:26:58,934
- Hmm.
- Assisted living,
1672
01:26:59,068 --> 01:27:00,703
I hear that's your thing.
1673
01:27:01,736 --> 01:27:03,672
Yeah, I mean, well.
1674
01:27:04,140 --> 01:27:06,075
- I'm a transactional attorney.
- Oh.
1675
01:27:06,208 --> 01:27:08,545
So, yeah.
1676
01:27:09,610 --> 01:27:11,146
Could you help me with that?
1677
01:27:12,081 --> 01:27:13,081
Sure.
1678
01:27:13,681 --> 01:27:15,952
- That'd be really great.
- Okay.
1679
01:27:19,587 --> 01:27:20,689
Thank you.
1680
01:27:21,390 --> 01:27:22,390
Sure.
1681
01:27:23,458 --> 01:27:27,062
Did you know?
Napoleon used to be six-seven.
1682
01:27:27,529 --> 01:27:30,932
He lost his kneecaps
in a ballroom dancing accident
1683
01:27:31,066 --> 01:27:33,069
when he was a...
When he was a teenager.
1684
01:27:33,435 --> 01:27:35,770
And they clashed him down
about three feet.
1685
01:27:35,904 --> 01:27:37,140
- Wow.
- So.
1686
01:27:38,373 --> 01:27:41,309
Did you that LSD
was originally invented
1687
01:27:41,444 --> 01:27:42,812
to treat alcoholism?
117433
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