All language subtitles for Last.Testament.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Well, hey everyone. This is
Rick.

And I'm making this video,

well, for many reasons, I guess.

I suppose
that the main reason is that

I want there to be some record
of the way that I feel.

My ideas,
just who I was, really.

I met, got to know some
ex-members here and there,

some more than others.

But I wanted to explain
some of the things

that I've been doing
and thinking

and some of the frustrations
that I've had.

Anyway, I don't know,
I guess it's just my...

Sort of my...

Last grasp at immortality.

I know that I'm not immortal,
and I know this video

is not going to make me so.

But at the same time,
I want to...

I want people to know
that even though

some of the things that I'm
gonna do are rather shocking,

and... maybe not right

in a lot of people's books.

I want to explain some
of the reasons behind them.

So anyway, I'm just...

Loading up some of my mags here.

You guys don't mind

if I do that
while I talk, right?

Originally I thought that

I was gonna have
this opportunity in march.

It's early January now.

And I...

I don't know, I guess
I got some bad information,

'cause all of a sudden,
a couple days ago

I heard that the opportunity
was gonna arise.

And I mean, well, this weekend,
which is basically right now.

It's Friday night,
so I was caught off guard.

I wasn't really prepared,

so sort of having to cram.

It's funny,
I always thought that...

You know...

I used to think
a lot about suicide.

It's actually...
Well, believe it or not,

it should have started
a long time ago.

It should have started when
I was fucking born, actually.

But to tell you the truth,

it didn't really start
in earnest

until... the infamous
teen training happened.

Yes, teen training.

Fucking brainwashing.

Man, I started thinking
"wow! How could I do it?"

Well, I was...
I wasn't the oldest.

I was the oldest
for a long time,

but of course,
at teen training there was

a bunch of girls that were
older than I was,

but you know...

Let me tell you, this suicide

was nothing that
you talked about with people.

Anybody.

They'd beat the devil
out of you or whatever.

It's just fucking insane.

But you all
know that, that's old news.

Anyway, that's when I started
thinking about suicide.

I was thinking, well, you know
what kind of poisons there are.

Poisons, you know, are easy,
or so I thought.

I've learned since then
if you wanna take poisons

and you wanna make sure,
or at least reasonably sure

that it's gonna work,

it's good to take some
dramamine beforehand.

It settles your stomach
so you don't barf it up.

Anyway, I didn't know
about that then.

I thought about...
Drinking chlorine,

which of course is ridiculous.

I thought of, you know,

maybe I'd heard of,
like, lead poisoning,

you know, I thought...

Or maybe I could, like,
jab a pencil

under my skin or something.

Stupid shit.

But, you know,
I was just a little kid.

Actually, who gave me that idea
was one of my nannies.

Indirectly, of course.

'Cause she used to scream

and yell at my sister
whenever she...

I don't... well...

Well, my sister
had such a fucked-up time

at teen training.

She was fucking six years old,
for god's sake.

Fucking animals.
I hate those fuckers.

They're going
to fucking get it, too,

if I have anything
to do with it.

Anyway.

Stay on the course here, Rick.

So I think I got 13 in here.

The cool thing about
the Republicans

is their love of guns.

They just love
their fucking guns.

With the assault ban expired,
which I credit them for,

we have high capacity magazines.

Now this is my super cool sheath
that I got online.

It's an... I think they call
it an in-belt

or in-waistband holder,

so it doesn't
actually stick out.

It actually goes
inside your belt

so you can pull your shirt over.

So... that's very cool.

Anyway, when you're carrying
a loaded gun...

This gun is a very safe weapon,

but you know how things go.

The idea of just sticking
it in my pants

with a clip or whatever
didn't really appeal to me,

'cause if you get
into a fight or something,

or somebody stabs you
or something, or...

I don't know, whatever.

You're rolling on the ground.

You just don't want
the fucking thing to go off.

So this cool sheath works
very nice, I think.

Anyway,
I went with a 40 caliber.

I found a 9mm.

I think everybody does.

The reason is...
That I didn't go with a nine

is that there's
a great debate always,

because the 9mm people
say their guns

are the greatest thing
since sliced fucking bread.

The ammo's cheap.

They're effective.

Also, this is especially good

for people who like firing
their guns a lot,

like gang bangers maybe.

Or even police officers
who have to, you know,

fire their weapons
in the line of duty.

A 9mm is not nearly as loud
as the bigger calibers,

so you're gonna have
less hearing loss,

which is cool.

The only problem with nines,

I was actually reading
this one story that

stood out to me.

As we used to say
in teen training...

It was about this cop.
He was in a gun fight

and he was shot
with a 9mm round.

And he didn't feel it.

Well, he didn't realize it
until he was fucking shot.

Until the fight was over.

So after that he said,

I got rid of my 9,
went with a 45.

I went with a 40,
because I think

it's the best of both worlds.

I just shot a 45
for the first time today.

I was able to rent one
at the range

where I'm a member at.

That fucker's loud.

And it didn't kick me as much
as I thought it was going to.

Anyway, I like this.

It's small, compact.

Anyway, my high
capacity magazines

went from a 10 to a 13.

So that's cool.

Um...

I think I'm going
a little overboard.

I bought a bunch of mags,
and all these fucking bullets.

I went with a police round.

It's a full load of powder.

They don't skimp.

Some people say that
the hollow points

don't expand as they should
because of ballistic gelatin

they use for their tests
isn't really accurate.

But you see, if this fucker
goes through somebody,

it's gonna expand.

And that's what I'm counting on.

You see, I'm counting on that
because I have my gun.

All of this fucking ammo.

But the truth is... is that this
is my weapon of choice.

The ka-bar knife.

Served marines
for many, many years.

I changed the angle on mine.

I learned a lot about knife
sharpening recently.

They come with a 30 degree angle

because these fuckers
are abused and beat on.

They're used
for fucking everything.

I only want it for one purpose,
and that's taking out the scum.

Taking out the fucking trash.

So I went with a nicer edge.

A finer edge that cuts better.

So I basically changed it to,
like, a kitchen knife edge,

which is 17 degrees.

And now... I can fucking
shave with this fucker.

So one shot, one kill.

Well... hopefully.

Anyway, we'll see about that.

Then I have some smaller
knives and stuff.

Anyway, where was I?

You know, I better
check to make sure

that this fucking thing
is actually recording.

Okay. We're back.

I decided to move
the camera a little closer.

I don't know if it was picking
up the best sound quality.

So, anyway.

Duct tape.

You can fix fucking anything
with this stuff.

Yeah, I'm gonna fix
some people with this.

Anyway, okay.

So sorry, I'm getting
all the fuck off track here.

Where the fuck was I?

Suicide. Yes. Suicide.

A horrible thing when adults
contemplate suicide.

But it's so much worse when
you've got a fucking little kid

who is not born to be
a messed up little fucker

but... he's a little
life, you know?

She's a little life,
and you just fuck 'em over

because you're
a sick fucking pervert

and you don't have anything
better to do with your life

than to fuck up
your little kids.

It's just so far beyond me.

I can't fucking imagine it,
but yet it happened.

It happened right before me.

Happened to all of you.

Thousands of us.

Some worse than others.

I had it good in many ways.

I didn't get fucked in the ass,
you know, I was a guy.

Lot of you girls... crap.

I can't even compare
my stories with yours.

But that's not
what this is about,

we're not sitting here comparing

"oh, you got it
worse than I did,"

or "you got it more times
than I did,"

because it's not about that.

There so many other kinds
of abuse that went on

that to some of us just as bad,
and to some of us it wasn't.

And some of us
didn't have it that bad.

I'm not gonna sit here and say
"oh yeah, I had it worse,"

or "I didn't,"
because it doesn't matter.

It should have never happened
at all, to anybody.

That's the point.

So, that's when I started
contemplating suicide.

And I've been fucking thinking
about it ever since.

Because man, god dammit,
after teen training...

Shit.

It's like all hell broke loose.

We were just never the same.

I got into martial arts
a while ago.

I'm still basically
a beginner, you know.

I mean, you think of somebody
who spends a lifetime,

like, 30 years,

like my teacher
in Washington had.

Thirty years studying
martial arts,

and the guy's still
learning every day.

So I studied, what?
Like, a year, two years.

I'm just a fucking novice.

But hey, it all helps.

I thought it would help more,
I guess, for me,

but... I think I'm just really
fucked in the head.

I've tried so many things.

Trying to somehow to fit in.

Somehow to find,
you know, a normal life.

Nah, everybody sucks.

Everybody has said,
who I talk to about this,

well, you know,

that everybody
has their problems

in this fucked up life.

But those people
that say that, you know,

they don't have a clue
as to what actually went on.

I mean, 'cause they weren't
part of a cult.

They were just your average
"systemites" I talk to.

Well man, I'm so happy for them.

And I'm so happy
that yeah, sure,

they didn't have it
perfect at home,

but, you know, it wasn't
like this for everybody.

But there's a number of guys
that I talk to in Washington...

I sort of consider
Washington my home,

because that's basically
where I was

the last four years or so,

ever since I left.

So, now, this is interesting,

because I don't think most
other family kids

can relate to this
because, yeah, they were abused.

But one thing I don't think

that they were that much
is secluded.

And that can really
fuck you over,

because if you don't have
that mirror, if you will,

of kids your own age,

kids that are older than you,

siblings, whatever, friends,
then it really fucks you up.

And I was reading an article
about how there were...

How some people say...

It was one
of those conspiracy things.

I can believe it, it's possible.

And who knows?

Anyway, they were saying
how they were doing experiments

on prisoners in the states

for the last 40 years
or something

trying to see
how they can break 'em.

And translate those findings
to the general populace.

Modified, of course.

I don't know
if it's true or not.

It was interesting
reading, anyway.

But that's what happened to me.

Not having that mirror
of other people

to hold up and see
how I would relate to them

and, you know,
in those formative years...

If you're only
fucking around perverts.

These people are fucked
in the head,

and try to fuck you over.

Wow. I didn't even have TV,
for god's sake.

So anyway,
when I started martial arts,

I got into knives.

I thought knives
were the coolest thing.

I'd experimented with trying
to make, you know... retractors.

I guess every teen boy does.

Of course with me, you know,

if anybody saw it, it was like,

"oh my god, don't you know that
you're full of the devil!"

So I would just sort
of hide all my shit.

That was around the whole
bodybuilding time.

What a joke.

But anyway, I just got
fascinated with knives,

and because, you know,
actually when this started,

believe it or not, this was back

when they were trying
to fix and reindoctrinate

my sister merry after she tried
to expose the family.

Okay, we had, as kids...

I didn't get along that well
with merry

because she was older.

She was better at playing
the game than we were.

We were just little fuckers,
trying to have fun.

She set the bar so high,

because they really
did grade on a curve.

It made it tough for us.

But, you know,
none of us rejoiced

when that happened
to her. Nobody.

Nobody deserved that,
especially not a kid that age.

So I watched every day,
new bruises on her.

Big fucking, fat fucking
bruises on her.

I started thinking to myself,

"holy fuck! You know,
there's gotta be a way...

There's gotta be
a way that one person

can stand up to a group
of strong men.

There's gotta be some
sort of equalizer."

And I found that equalizer.

In edged weapons.

In training.

But I never had a chance
to learn till I left.

And even then I was

into finding an art that was
just brutal about self-defense.

Just, you know, give me
the worst technique possible

and I wanna learn that.

Not because I'm that way
as a human being,

but I've seen how ugly
human beings can get

when they wanna fuck
people over.

Fuck little kids over.

And when... if I ever see that,

if that ever happens to me,
it's that whole mentality.

I'm gonna get down to business

and there's not gonna
be anything left.

That's just what I
was looking for.

Didn't find it.

I tried karate for a while.

I always knew that I
didn't have the time.

I guess that I was just
trying to fit in.

I was... it was something
in the back of my mind.

It was always like...

I'd always felt like
the resources that I had

just weren't adequate,
and no matter how much I did,

I'd replenish those resources,
it just wasn't happening.

So I was just using my own power
without replenishing it.

Eventually it would be gone,

which is kind of
what I feel now.

But anyway,
getting back to that.

I finally found this teacher.

He was really cool.

He was sort of a new age guy,

but man, that guy
could fucking kick ass.

He was... he studied
an Indonesian system

which was under
their pencak silat umbrella.

Very brutal.
No fucking around system.

So... oh, I got two rounds left.

Anyway.

So I always figured that...

And I always still think
about suicide

and I try to push it away.

I am successful for a while,

but it always comes back.

It started coming back
more frequently,

those thoughts, and...

And I just...

I just wanted it to end.

That was my hope
and also my fear.

That when I died,
I would just want to flatline

and nothing else,

'cause I would not
wanna go through,

in another dimension,

what I'm going through here,
and what I had been through.

Now I'm not so sure about that.

I don't really know
what to think,

but I think there's enough
evidence, if you will,

to at least make one stop
and consider

that we may not believe
in god, but I don't,

at least certainly not
the Christian fucked up god

who has a big fucking dick

that he wants to stick up
everyone's ass.

But I don't know, I'm starting
to think that life goes on,

and that fucking scares me.

That really does scare me
more than anything,

because I don't know,
I don't want it to go on.

I just want it to be over.

So anyway... I think about
suicide all the time.

Then I figured I'd
cut my wrists,

because I like knives
so much, you know.

But everybody does this,
to simply cut across the wrist.

Sometimes more than once.

One's bullshit.

They say the best thing to do
is to get a scalpel.

It's incredibly small,
sharp, and just dig,

dig in right there
and go as far as you can go.

So yeah, I was thinking
that's pretty cool, you know.

Maybe I'll, you know,
rent a nice hotel.

Nice hotel, you know,
maybe the penthouse.

Run a nice fucking bath
in the jacuzzi tub.

Spend the night
with a nice hooker.

I thought that'd be cool,

because I've never been
with a hooker before.

And...

Anyway, it's like Tom says,

you're gonna pay for sex
one way or another.

Might was well pay somebody
who knows what they're doing.

So anyway,
that's sort of my dream.

Not the end, you know.

Have some beers,

get out my scalpel
in a nice hot jacuzzi tub.

Just end it.

Without enough time
to breathe out.

Before that, though,
I just wanted to leave.

Just wanted to take whatever
money I'd saved up

and just go somewhere cool,
like Bali.

And now...

Indonesia isn't the greatest
place to be.

I don't know about Bali.

Not so good on my Indonesian
geography right now.

But... somewhere like that.

Could be anywhere, really.

It'd have to be warm

and it would have to have
a nice Sandy beach.

And... lots of pretty girls.

And you know, just go.

Wait till the money runs out.

You know, just have fun,
just have a break.

I've been going
non-fucking stop,

like I'm sure
everybody else has,

since I've left
that fucking cult.

And man, that fishing.

Fucking Christ that was hard.

That was fucking hell.

That would be one of
my ideas of hell,

is to be on that fishing boat
for eternity.

God dammit.

It was fucking nasty.

Part of it was because
it was my first job, you know,

it was my first
real introduction

to life on the outside,
was that.

And yeah, it was a jumpstart.
Let me tell you.

But... I got through it
and I did really well.

I got an extremely good
review and a good bonus

and it was cool.

It was a good experience,
but anyway.

Getting back to suicide.

That's what I wanted to do then.

I would kill myself,

and god how I wanted to do that.

I want to follow that scenario.

I just wanna leave.

Spend a few months
and then end it.

But you know what I feel
about that, that would be

the selfish thing to do,

that would be
the quitter's way out.

Because yeah, I'm sort
of quitting right now,

but in a way, I'm not,
because I'm not doing it

the way that I wanna do it.

I'm trying to do
something lasting.

Something that, god forbid,

in the next life,
if it does go on,

I can look back at this
and if I'm able to and know

that, okay, maybe I didn't
technically do the right thing,

but I tried to do
something to help.

I didn't just fade away.

I didn't just turn tail

and run and let
those fuckers win.

But I did what I could
to make a difference.

And I don't know how really far
that I'm gonna get.

And it's starting to look like
it's not going to be very far,

and that's gonna suck ass.

I might not... well I'll get one
person, that's for sure.

My source for the information.

The goal is to bring down those
sick fuckers, mama and Peter.

My own mother.

What an evil little cunt.
God dammit.

How can you do that to kids?

How can you do that to kids
and then sleep at night?

I don't fucking know.

Anyway.

That's my goal.

But I'm one person

and I'm working under situations

that aren't that
great right now,

because I only have
a small window of opportunity

to get the information that
I need out of this person.

I'm not trained
in torture methods,

which is... why I'm gonna
have to make do.

I got my drill here.

The reason why it's got this
fucking padding on here

is because I'm trying
to silence it a little bit.

I'm in an apartment.

I got gags.

Fucking socks.

I got a soldering iron.

Heat.

I got a crude implement
that can work wonders,

especially if it's used
in the right way.

But...

I'm not trained, I don't
know how to fucking do this.

I don't wanna fucking
do this, god dammit.

Oh man, you gotta see this.

This is not for torture,

but man it could be.

775,000 volts.

You've gotta hear this puppy.

Wow!

That's gotta scare anybody.

But it's not gonna be
used for scaring.

It's gonna be used for
temporarily incapacitating them.

It's a non-lethal weapon.

Anyway.

So I don't wanna turn and run,

you know, I don't wanna...

My goal is to get those
sick fucks, mama and Peter,

and then I can go
to the next life,

knowing that... you know,
I made a difference.

I'll still go.

No matter what happens
I'll still go,

knowing that I tried.

That I did the best that
I could at the time.

Given my experiences,
given my state of mind,

given that I was alone,

given that I struggled
with so many things,

given that, you know,
that if I had it clear,

if I had the warrior's mind,
like miyamoto musashi

wrote about in a
book of five rings,

you know, that I probably
would have gotten

a lot further in this endeavor.

You know, just thinking
of nothing,

nothing by killing
your opponent single-minded,

no background noise in the mind.

No eternal chatter.

Getting down to business
and doing it.

But unfortunately it hasn't
been that easy for me.

Anyway.

Anyway, I'll give it a shot.

We'll see what happens.

Hopefully if I don't make it,

hopefully somebody else
will pick up the torch.

Hopefully in the end,
whether they rot in jail

and get buffoed in the ass
by some inmate,

or whether somebody blows
their fucking head off,

or slits their fucking throat,

hopefully somebody will do
something effectively

that will end their fucking
miserable lives.

But anyway.

My main incentive in this
is knowing

that it will make me feel
a whole fuck of a lot better.

But maybe it'll bring,
well, if I'm successful,

which is starting
to look kind of slim,

slim chance right now,
but it's worth a shot.

Because if I am successful,
I mean, I can just see

those fucking thousands
of family kids,

you know,
who have been abused...

Okay, well maybe
there's not 1,000.

But you know,
maybe some of the kids,

especially the new generation.

They don't know
that they're abused.

They don't think they...

I guess they certainly
haven't been sexually abused,

but you know what?
That's not good enough.

Because what about
the thousands of us

who have been fucked over?
Literally.

What about us?
Where's our apology?

They're not even sorry.

They're not even fucking sorry.

Can you imagine all of a sudden,
to hear one day,

"guess what? Mama and Peter
are fucking dead."

Yeah, somebody went
into their house

or their fucking motor home
or whatever

and poured gasoline on them
and they lit a match

and had a fucking barbeque.

Wow! Can you imagine?

I can imagine putting
myself in this place.

How it would make me feel if I
heard that somebody did that.

And I would be like, "wow!
There is justice in this world."

And an incredible weight
would be lifted

off my shoulders,

and I would be able
to go on with my life.

Yeah I'd have fucking problems,

but I got stuck
on this one thing.

I got stuck because
there's this need that I have.

This need. It's not a want,
it's a fucking need.

And I wish it wasn't, but it is.

It's a need for revenge.

It's a need for justice,
because I...

I can't go on like this.

So I can imagine how
I would feel,

how liberating it would be.

And I hope that I'm successful.

Like, I can't see how

I wouldn't have
this effect on people.

You know, any...

Anything you talk
about the family

would just end up like,

"oh but Jesus Christ,
they got what they deserved."

That's worth dying for.

Even the thought,
even the attempt

at bringing that
about for people.

That gift for them is
worth dying for.

You bet it is.

So that's what I'm
gonna try to do.

I'm gonna try,
I'm gonna try my very best.

Now, there is
one problem, though,

and that is as I go
on my merry way,

I'm not going to... hurt

or try to hurt
any law enforcement.

Now, that's gonna be
really tough to do this,

without doing that.

But... that's where
I draw the line.

I'm not gonna hurt them.

I'm not going to try
to hurt them.

I respect law enforcement.

The justice system
has let us down,

however, those cops
are out there,

putting their lives
on the line for us,

and I must say...

Yeah, there's some
fucked-up cops out there.

But I'm thankful for them
and I respect them.

I got to know an ins agent.

He's a really cool guy
at my range.

That's where I got
my concealed weapons permit.

And I'm so glad that I did that,

'cause even though I really
don't carry my gun around,

because my gun's really
only for one purpose.

Even though I have
all these bullets,

I guess I figured it's better
to have them and not need them.

But I really only need one,
and that's for myself.

So I don't carry my gun around.

I'm so glad I went to that
concealed weapons permit class,

because I learned so much.

I learned about the law.

One cool thing that I learned,

and this is something
that our instructor

brought up out of the blue,

that here in our great
state of Arizona,

Jesus land as some
people call it,

if you catch an adult
sexually abusing a minor,

if you catch them in the act,

you can walk up to them
and execute them.

And it would be
a justifiable homicide.

A legal shooting.

You better damn well
be able to prove

it was actually happening,
or you're gonna be fucked.

But the law still stands,
it's legal.

And that brings
a smile to my face,

every time I fucking
think about that.

But you know what?

My instructor said,
"that's too good for them."

It's too good for them

just to walk up and put
a bullet in their head.

This is a normal dude, you know,

and I looked around,
everybody in the class,

vigorously shaking,
nodding their heads

and saying,
"yeah, that's fucking right."

You know,
these are normal people.

They're talking about walking up

and blowing somebody's
head off for doing it once.

Well, what does that tell you?

Maybe I'm not so weird
after all, you know.

Now of course, you've gotta
catch 'em in the act.

Well, you know, it's a little
too late for that, for us.

But the truth is,
that's the way people think.

That's the way people think

about these sick
fucked-up perverts.

Just get 'em out of the way.

So I...

Boondock saints.

If you at all have a chance
to see that movie,

it's excellent.

I've watched that movie
so many times.

It's just... yeah.

You just get sick
and fucking tired.

Now, they weren't really
executing child abusers,

they were executing
drug dealers and murderers.

Mafia, all that kind of shit.

But anyway...

People don't really seem
to care that much

when those kind of people
start dropping like flies.

Makes the world a safer place.

But that's not why I'm doing
it to make it safer,

I'm doing it for justice.

I'm doing it for myself.

I'm doing it
for a lot of other people

who would like to see those
fuckers go down.

So anyway, here I am.

I've been lucky,
I guess in some ways.

You know,
I was expecting to come here

and have to pull a kind of
47 Ronin kind of thing,

where to avenge
the death of their lord,

they had to become, you know,
vagrants and bums, basically,

for two years. Whatever.

So I guess I'm lucky
I didn't have to wait that long.

Just shows how stupid
these fucking cultists are.

You know, just even
after all I wrote...

Even in the last thing I wrote
on the "moving on" website

where I was just trying
to get some help with this,

but you know what?
I was kind of glad I didn't get

any help with this,
even though I wanted it.

Because to me, I mean,

I was as clear
in that as I could be

without actually
spelling it out.

And I'm glad, you know.

I'm glad that others of us

haven't gotten to the point
that I've gotten to,

where we really don't
have anything to lose.

You know,
I'm happy because it...

What it tells me is that, yeah,

people still have hope,
they're still going on.

This one guy, he said that
he knew what I meant

right off the bat,
right after reading that.

And he said that
we're dropping like flies.

Well, I don't know if we're
dropping out that fast,

but yeah, a lot of people
are going out.

I don't know, I think it's kind
of easy to just one night,

you know, one day just...
Decide to end it.

Just do it.

But I think it's pretty
fucking hard to do

what I've been trying to do
and, like, plan to where I know,

not really knowing when,

but soon I'm gonna have to go.

But I don't know, it's...
It's harder not...

It's a lot harder
than I thought it would be.

But yeah, I really don't have
anything to lose, I think.

Yeah, I don't really wanna...

Go through my life
the way it is now.

I've tried for four years.

Sure, it's not long.

Feels like a fucking lifetime.

Feels like a god damn
lifetime to me,

and every day,
if it had just gotten better,

just a little better
even emotionally,

mentally for me, and...

It would have been okay.
It would have given me hope.

But it's gotten worse.

Every fucking day
has been a little worse

than the day before.

Um...

It kind of reminds me
of that movie office space,

where he's talking
to the hypnotherapist.

And he says that
every day is a little worse.

And the guy says
"well, that's fucked up."

And he catches himself
and apologizes.

But yeah, it's fucked up,
it's really fucked up.

But, hey, it's a life,

and we're gonna play
the hand that we're dealt.

So anyway,
like James penn would say,

time to get busy living
or get busy dying.

Yeah, James penn
got busy living.

Guess I'm trying
to get busy dying.

But, you know, people die.

They do, every day.

Every day.

Its gonna happen
to everybody, you know.

Sometime I wish that, you know,

I'd get the braveheart
speech from somebody.

But it's true, you know,
I feel like we're in a war here.

It's not necessarily
like a literal war,

like I'm making...

But it's a war nonetheless.

I feel like every one
of us who is left

in some way speaks out,

in some way tries
to help somebody,

in some way tries
to help ourselves,

is a soldier in this war.

It's a war on terror,

because these fuckers
are the real terrorists.

You know, bush and kerry

get up on their
campaign platforms,

and they talk about
how they're gonna hunt down

al-qaeda terrorists
and kill 'em.

And kill 'em.

That's what they said.

Hunt them down and kill 'em.

Well, you know, my question is,

you know... what about these
fucking perverts, you know?

Aren't they the real terrorists?

Terrorizing little kids,
driving them to suicide.

Isn't that like murdering them?

Basically?

You fuck with their minds so
much that they can't go on.

They can't really go on.

Isn't that like killing them?

Fucking bastards.

Anyway.

It's a war on terror.

It's like the military.

You know, there's so many
different branches.

There's, like, special ops,

that I'm starting to think
I'm sort of in this war.

There's the medics.

I know some people
who are medics.

The kind of people who are
so cool to be around,

and... make you
feel good about yourself.

Encourage you.

They have their own...

God knows that they have a lot
of their own struggles,

but they try to put those aside
and help other people.

Those are like the medics.

There's people in psyops.

Psychological warfare, I think.

There's the generals,

people who are trying
to coordinate this effort

even now, as we speak.

You know, they're trying to do
what they can to put together

new battles, new court cases,

articles trying to get people
aware of what happened.

It's happening still
in many ways.

So yeah, I think we're
all part of...

We all have our part to play.

And... yeah.

Um...

I got in contact with my sister.

Well I consider her my sister,
because to me she is.

She's not flesh and blood,
but I'm talking about divida.

Everybody calls her davida.

But her name's actually
pronounced divida.

I was actually
with her in Ukraine

when she left, and she really
felt forced to leave.

She could have gone back
to the states, I guess.

She had no money.
The leadership wouldn't let her.

You know, they...

They took that back later
and said that it wasn't true.

But I know.

I was there.

They basically said she couldn't
go to any other home in Europe.

The home that we were in
was basically falling apart.

She was fucking scared.

But I admired her
so much for her bravery,

because she just left,
in the fucking Ukraine.

She would basically have
one meal a day,

sometimes not even that.

Her friends would feed her.

She got into the...

Being a mafia boss' girlfriend.

She almost got herself killed.

Had a fucking hard life.

But she's still going. She's...

Yeah, she's dancing in New York.

Anyway.

She calls me
and sometimes we talk.

And she tells me the stuff
that she's going through,

and... it breaks
my heart, you know,

'cause I wanna help her,

but there's just nothing
that I can do,

because it's all up here,

you know,
the damage has been done.

I'm not saying that she's crazy,

but she has nightmares at night.

I guess a lot of us do.

I have nightmares,

but not really
about the same things,

but about the cult.

She has nightmares about
being dragged out of bed in

the middle of the night
to go have sex with berg.

God damn, I can only imagine
what my sister goes through.

I was telling somebody today
about how different

my sister... this is Christina,
became after the pregnancy,

and just what that did to her.

It was just...
So sad to watch that.

To see her retreat into herself.

And now sue calls me today

and tells me how great
my sister is doing.

That's been actually
one of the hardest things

for me to have to, you know,
pretend that I'm making peace

with these fucking perverts,
you know?

You just wanna grab 'em
and just rip out their throat.

And you know, I gotta be nice.

It started with Gabe and Amy.

Man, they have so much blood
on their hands

it's not even fucking funny.

I hope somebody takes 'em out.

I don't think it's gonna be me.

I definitely don't think
I'm gonna get that far.

But... somebody's
gotta take 'em out.

Those fuckers.

Anyway, yeah, I talked
to them on the phone,

you know, tell 'em about myself,
try to be nice.

You know,
joy, trust, Angela, sue.

Whatever she's going
by these days.

She calls me and,
you know, I have to do

the whole thing again.

So, anyway.

Uh...

She's telling me
that my sister's doing good.

Yeah right.

I was talking
with somebody else,

we were talking about, 'cause...

We sort of left around
the same time, I guess.

She was at my mom's place
for longer than I was, though.

Talking about my sister,

and what a sad little thing
she was back then.

I can only imagine
how bad it is now.

Anyway, my mom's going
to pay for that.

She's going to pay dearly,
one way or another.

If I don't get to her...

If I don't get to her,
and next life goes on,

I'm going to keep hunting her
in the next life,

and let me tell you,

I wanna keep going
until somebody gets her.

I get her. Justice will be done.

Believe me,
it's only a matter of time.

Somehow, someway,
it's gonna happen.

I'm gonna try to do my part.

We'll see what happens.

We'll go from there.

That's what my boss always says,

"we'll see what happens, Rick,
and then we'll go from there."

He's such a cool guy.

He's, like, the best boss
in the world, I think.

That's actually one
of my main regrets

is having to do this.

Having to leave him.

Dessert him, 'cause I know
that he needs me.

He has other guys working
with him, thankfully,

or it would make it so much
harder for me to do this.

But still...

I wrote him a long note.

Tried to explain what I could.

What could he say, you know?
What could he say?

Anyway.

Yup. What can you do?

Okay, well, I'm gonna go
take a break now.

Maybe think of something
else useful to say.

Well, I got my beer.

That helps a bit, I guess.

I'm bringing a six pack
along for the road

in my little cooler.

And hopefully,
before I actually have to go,

I'll be able to... make it
a little more pleasant.

I don't know, though...

One of these fuckers
to the head.

I don't think there's gonna be
much time to feel anything.

Might hurt at first
for a second,

but no more
than cutting your wrist.

So let's hope I don't fuck up
and do something stupid

and blow my nose off instead
of my fucking head.

Well, anyway.

Um...

Maybe fate will smile on me.

The god of war.

The god of revenge.

Maybe they will wish
me happy hunting.

We shall see.

But yeah, I mean...

I guess I said
all I can fucking say.

What can I say?

You know.

What could I fucking say?

Um...

Oh... to have a happy
and peaceful life.

I tried. I did.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I gave it what I could,
you know? I did.

Yeah, should I beat myself up

because I'm not
as strong as other people?

You know, should I berate myself

because I didn't have,
you know, mental stamina?

It's funny, you know,
'cause parts of the Bible

are pretty right on, you know?

Stuff here and there.

I mean there's
gotta be something, right?

Right?

Sort of like a monkey typing

on a typewriter
for all eternity.

All eternity.

He's bound to write
something interesting.

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, I forgot
what I was gonna say, actually.

Oh, what's that...

What's that verse about?

I try to forget
all those fucking verses,

but they still keep coming up
every now and then.

Luckily they're not
as clear as they used to be

and that brings
some comfort to me.

But I'm thinking about
the ones that, you know,

about fainting in your mind.

What's that verse about?

Oh, a... a... a...
Wounded spirit that can bear.

You know, that kind of thing.

I sort of fainted in my mind,
you know, and...

I can keep going
in the physical.

But, you know...

Do good work,
have a good job, you know.

Fairly nice apartment.

But it's all on the surface.

I fainted in my mind,
and I can't get out of it.

You know, I can't find

the smelling salts
to wake me up, so, you know...

What am I supposed to do?

You know...

So, anyhow, I guess we'll
see what happens.

I hope that, you know,
that you all keep going.

Whoever watches this video.

I hope that it helps
to understand

a bit where I'm coming from.

But I sort of seem
laid back right now.

But Jesus Christ,
anger does not begin,

does not begin
to describe how I feel

about those people
and what they've done,

you know I mean, rage.
I get livid.

You know... it's just a little
closer to the way I feel.

And...

That's gonna feel good
to do some damage,

even if it's not that much.

As far as I can go.

That's what I'm gonna do.

It's going to feel
so fucking good.

Liberating.

So...

Anyway, what can I say?

I guess I said it all.

So...

Yeah...

I guess I'm gonna go now.

I wanted to see
that movie white noise,

just 'cause I'm sort
of interested in the afterlife.

Yeah, it's just a fucking movie.

But... it looked cool.

So... I like movies.

I think that it's 'cause

I wasn't allowed
to watch that many.

Yeah, sure, I watched some
with berg and all,

but... shit.

It's kind of cool
to watch movies now.

So I guess I'm gonna
go watch that one.

Drink some beers.

Be happy.

What more could you want?

Yeah. Well.

I could think of a few things.

I thought how cool it would be

to go hunting for some
child traffickers

that are kidnapping
little fucking kids

down in Indonesia

and some of those
hard-hit countries.

Can you imagine
coming down there

to steal little children
and use them as sex slaves?

To use 'em?

To use their organs? Cut 'em up?

I mean, can you
fucking imagine doing that?

I mean in a way, that's what
these fuckers have done to us.

I mean they didn't actually grab
a knife and cut us up, but...

They fucked with our brains.

Used us as slaves.

And that's what we were,

every last fucking one of us.

Didn't matter how
we were treated,

we were just fucking
slaves, just there.

For those sick
fuckers' pleasures.

That's all it was.

That's all it was
at berg's and mama's house.

All right.

Oh well.

Keep fighting.

Keep the faith.

And all that other stuff.

And someday, in some way,

some of us are gonna be around
to see those fuckers burn.

Literally or figuratively.

They're going down.

And with that happy thought,
I shall leave you.

Shit.

- Hello?
- Hey.

Elixcia, it's me.

Ricky?

Yeah.

It's been a while.

I know.

What...

What have you been up to?

Oh... you know... just working.

My grandparents
helped me get a job.

Got an apartment.

Okay...

How have you been?

Um...

I'm fine.

Good.

What's going on?

Um... I need you to write
something down for me.

Oh... okay. Hold on.

Okay.

Um... it's 519,

los altos, apartment 343,

in Tucson, Arizona.

I need you to call the police

and give them that address.

Ricky?

I need you to tell them
to go to that address

and tell them that
they'll find a dead body.

Ricky!

What happened? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm in my car my cellphone
battery is about to die.

I'm gonna have to stop and grab
a charger or something.

Just call the cops.

And I'll call
you back in a little while.

Wait!

I'll call you back.

I love you.

Ricky!

Yeah. Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good as I can be, you know, I...

Stopped and got a phone
charger for the car.

So I should be good for the
night or... whenever I stop.

Where are you?

Um, on the highway,
heading west.

Or to California.

What happened?

Did you call the police
and tell them where to go?

Yeah. But... I don't
know what they're gonna do.

They didn't seem really helpful

since I told them
it was in Tucson.

You called
the Washington police?

It... yeah.

Um... that's okay.
They'll figure it out.

Ricky... What exactly happened?

I haven't heard
from you in so long. Please.

Tell me what happened!

I... after I left Washington,

after I left you,

I... I started
to look for my mom.

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah.

I... I just had to, you know I...

I couldn't run
from it any longer.

Someone had to do something.

Someone had to put
an end to it all.

The lies, the abuse, mom.

The whole damn thing!

A little fucking justice!

I had to find her.

Cut off the head of the snake.

Berg always wanted me
to be the Messiah.

Guess I found by mission,

it just wasn't exactly
what he had in mind.

I mean, I don't know
what that makes me.

I mean, I never have...

I came to Arizona because
my grandma and grandpa are here.

I knew that it was
the only place that my mom

had ties to in the states.

I knew it was the only place

that she would
regularly return to.

Did you find her?

I waited.

I followed up on
whatever leads I could get.

She's so damn secretive.

You know, I don't understand
how she can just disappear

and become invisible.

I mean, how can
that kind of monster

just walk the earth
so anonymously?

I know.

So I waited.

I waited, and finally...
I heard she was gonna come back.

They were gonna have
a gathering for the elders.

A fucking party!

I thought it would be perfect.

I could get mom
and every other fucker

responsible for all this shit
in one fell swoop.

At one point I realized that

maybe just taking care
of mom wouldn't be enough.

I mean, the family survived
after berg died.

Fuck, it'll survive
after my mom.

I was wrong.

I can't just cut off
the head of the snake.

The whole fucking thing
needs to be burned down.

That's the only way
that this will all stop!

I'm sorry.

No, don't.

Don't apologize.

You have nothing
to apologize for.

We shouldn't have to apologize
for what's been done to us.

So, um...

I... while I was trying
to find my mom, I...

Got in contact with one
of my old nannies.

- Susan cotton.
- Oh god.

Yeah, or... whatever name
she's going by now.

That's one reason why it's so
hard to track these people down.

Anyway, as fucked up as it is,
it was perfect.

My mom only communicated
with a couple handlers.

And son of a bitch,
Susan was one of 'em.

Hell, I even heard that she
was my mom's number one.

Her eyes and ears.

For what she did to me,
I guess it only makes sense.

She was my ticket.

Ricky?

Talk to me.

Don't ever let anyone tell you
that killing someone is easy.

It's not.

It's the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.

All of this bullshit

that's been building up
inside of me since I was a kid,

there was
just no more room for it.

It all just came out at once.

What happened?

No, I... I shouldn't, it's...

It's stupid to put this on you.

I need to know.

Um... I met with sue tonight
for dinner.

I couldn't eat anything
sitting across from her,

but she had no problem.
Made me wanna puke.

Ricky.

So, we
went back to my apartment,

'cause I wanted to get whatever
information I could out of her.

To get mom.

And she started
talking about, um...

She started talking
about my sister, merry.

Oh no.

You know how bad
the family fucked up her life.

Yeah.

She started saying all this
shit about how messed up she is

and how it's her fault

that she can't move on
and all this other bullshit.

I... I... I... I just lost it!

I mean, for all that
they've done.

They just don't...

They don't get it.

Right! They don't
fucking get it.

I mean,
the entire time that Susan

was lying on the floor bleeding
she was looking up at me

like she didn't understand!

How doesn't she know?

They did what they wanted,
they ruined people's lives,

and they refuse to take
any fucking responsibility!

I just want them to admit
what they did.

That they were wrong.

I wanted sue to understand,
but she didn't.

She died confused,
like I was the bad guy.

You're not.

I thought killing Susan would...

I thought it would make me
feel better, but it didn't.

It's so hard,
she... she didn't understand.

I, um...

I wanted to get
to my mom tonight,

but I'm just so exhausted.

I... I... I just
wanna stop thinking.

Just come home.

I can't.

Please.

I can't.

I'm so tired. I've been
up for two days, I...

I need to stop.

Um... yeah.

I can't do this anymore.

I... I... I'm so exhausted.

There's a rest stop.
I'm gonna pull off.

Wait, don't go!

I love you.

I have to go.

Ricky!

Oh my god, Ricky!

Are you okay?

Um, yeah... I'm fine.

Please, Ricky.

I need to do this.

After everything I've done,

everything that's
been done to me,

it's... it's... it's
the last thing to do.

I thought I would just...

Pull off the road to this
rest stop here, but um...

This place is too bright.

There's too much light,
I... I don't feel comfortable.

I don't want to die here.

I love you... so much.

I know how hard everything
has been on you.

I wish you didn't leave.

I know, it's just...

There were so many other people

that got out
who reached out to me.

So many, even more
on the message boards.

I just felt this... this burden.

They still saw me as a leader.

All that bullshit
that my dad spewed, I...

I guess some of it stuck.

I just couldn't do
nothing anymore.

We need justice and no one else
is gonna give it to us.

You feel guilty
because you survived all that.

No! I feel it, too.

We got through so much together

and I need you
to get through this.

You'll be okay.

You've always been
more adaptive than me.

The longer I stayed, the longer
I'd be dragging you down.

You have so much ahead of you.

I'm sorry I...

I'm sorry I failed
you as a husband.

That's not true.

You shined so bright,
but I brought too much pain.

This was all just
a matter of time.

You were always
the stronger one between us.

When we finally left the family,
everything was such a struggle,

but you were so strong.

Remember that first year out?

We had no idea
how the real world worked.

We couldn't get interviews,

because we didn't know
what a resume was.

And the apartment.

We were so proud
until we moved in

and we couldn't understand
why there wasn't any furniture.

How could we know
it didn't come with any?

Not to mention it was
the shadiest part of town.

We're lucky
we made it out alive.

Keep telling me nice stories.

I remember...

I remember the first
time I saw you

when you moved into the house
in Budapest.

There was a bunch of us
living there,

and everyone
was falling all over you.

You were a celebrity to us.

But I saw that look
on your face.

You didn't want to be davidito,
the second coming.

You just wanted to be Ricky.

It's probably
a good thing I was so shy.

Probably would have been
like everyone else.

But I saw you.

It took me so long just to talk
to you for the first time.

Took so much nerve just
to say that lunch was ready.

Then that night you
asked me to come to your room,

and my chest
felt like it was in a vice

and I couldn't breathe.

But then you were so nice.

I can't believe how shy you were

for all the attention
that you always got.

And we stayed up
all night, and...

You taught me some card games.

And we just talked,
and suddenly it was morning.

It was one of
the best nights of my life.

Me, too.

And you topped it off
by sneaking a Rose

into my pillow the next day.

I miss you so much.

I love you.

All I ever wanted in this world
was to be loved.

Ricky.

Come die with me.

Ricky!

I'm so scared to die,

but it's the only thing
that makes sense.

I can't stand another
day on this earth.

What do you think happens
after you die?

I don't...

I believe in angels.

After you die

those angels
are going to bring you

a feeling of love

that you've never
experienced before.

I like that.

I need to get going.

I don't wanna die here. I...

I wish you could be here
with me when it happens.

- I...
- I know.

I'm so sorry.

Baby, I love you so much. I...

I just want you to be happy.

I love you.