All language subtitles for KentuckyS01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

No. It's okay.

It's okay. Wait.

‐This stuff's so [bleep] up.
‐It is.

'Cause everybody's in
the same thing with me.

If I focus on you, it brings me
back to what I thought...

‐Right.
‐...was reality.

Cause everybody else is
participating in this journey.

That seemed a little weird
'cause a minute ago

felt like days ago.

♪♪

Steve: I've been
a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,

but being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca
is a schedule‐I narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,

but it's not a drug,
it's medicine,

and in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy
may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step in to the pain.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Mm, mm, mm.

TERI: Hey, I ain't never said
I could play pool.

I always enjoy working
with my wife.

Teri, shamanista in the church,

has deep insight into
a lot of people's issues,

and she has
very good instincts.

TERI: 16 years ago,
Steve got out of prison

and came to work
in the restaurant

where I was a manager.

‐Don't you do it.
‐Okay.

‐This is your talent, isn't it?
‐Don't you do it.

Part of the attraction
to Steve was the bad boy,

and we just clicked.

I don't know how else to say it.

♪♪

Good shot.

After Steve and I moved
in together,

my dad died,

and, I mean, it ‐‐
it broke me.

It broke me.

He was my best friend.

After that, I spent probably
about the next year and a half

doing dumb shit ‐‐

living very self‐destructively,

too much drinking, drugs,
horrible self‐dialogue.

I evidently got insanely
drunk one night,

and I hit a car head‐on.

Fortunately, the person in
the other vehicle was not hurt.

[Bleep] me up pretty good

and landed me a felony charge.

I did 7 1/2 months,
and sitting in jail,

looking really
at the possibility

that I could have killed
somebody else was kind of like,

"Okay,
get your shit together."

That's where the turning
point really came in.

After I got out of jail,
Steve and I got married.

That was when I started
on my path into shamanism.

Yeah.
No, that's right.

And it's been almost 9 years,

and it has completely
changed my life.

It's completely changed
his life.

It's completely changed
our lives,

and it changes the lives
of the people that we work with.

Steve: I'm very honored to be
able to work with my wife.

Teri is a very special

and unique person
in her own right...

Go, just kind of listen
to the beat.

...with her own unique set

of skills and experiences
that I respect immensely.

What I love most about Teri,

she has seen my worst...

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sniffles ]

...and forgave me.

♪♪

I'm an intense person.

But you know what?
Every time she loves you,

and if she ever does love you,

she will never stop loving you
no matter what you do,

no matter where you do it.

She may stop living with you.

She may stop accepting
your calls,

but she will never
stop loving you,

and that's what I love
about Teri.

♪♪

Cheri: I had ‐‐ had hooked
the hose up into the car.

I'm breathing the poison gases,
and I'm ‐‐

I'm just laying there,

and I member
I just sort of watched the sun

come up above the field
in front of me.

I remember the sun,
just this ‐‐

the beautiful color the sky
was turning, and I was ‐‐

I felt like I was falling asleep
looking at it,

and then it was almost like
some part of me

just thought, "Wake up."

♪♪

So I threw open the door,
and I, you know,

sort of stumbled out
of the car breathing and crying,

and it woke me up in a sense,

and I remember the first thing
I thought was, "You idiot,

you can't even kill yourself.
You can't do anything."

♪♪

At first, I would drink mainly
when I didn't have my children,

but I think that's ‐‐
that's when the spiral came

is when I began drinking
when they were home,

driving irresponsibly.

I mean, the guilt,
I can't even begin to explain.

I've been 7 months sober now.

I've been doing recovery work,
which has been good,

and it's provided a lot,
but it's...

It's only part of the voice
of addiction that I hear.

I'm here because I want ‐‐
I want healing.

♪♪

A lot of people tell me that
I'm, like, a narcissist,

and a lot of people tell me
I'm just, like, an asshole

or self‐centered and stuff.

I don't know.
It's kind of dismal.

All right.

And that's kind of because
ultimately my life journey

has been one of being in a cult.

That's what Mormonism is.

It's a cult of narcissism.

It turns you into an asshole.
[ Chuckles ]

And having to leave it
and then having to basically

reconstruct my entire reality,

I got to go experience
the things

that they tell you not to do,

so now I've smoked weed,
drank alcohol, had sex, like,

random sex with, like,
people downtown or whatever.

It's like, "Meh."

I'm trying to purge,
like, myself

of, like, that hatred that
Mormonism saturates you with.

It makes you hate the "other,"

that which
is different from you.

Hopefully ayahuasca can undo
some of ‐‐ some of the damage

done by Mormonism.

‐Hey, come on in, my man.
‐Hey.

‐I'm Walter.
‐Dane.

Pleasure to meet you,
Dane.

Yeah, you too, man.

Teri: Now that we have everyone
here,

are you all ready to go see
where you're going to be

spending the next few days?

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Awesome.

Sorry.

All right.

So if y'all would like to
come in, find you a spot.

Joining us for this ceremony
we have Cheri, Dane, and Keenan.

Keenan:
It's been a long time since
I have been genuinely happy

because of all the chaos

that I. V. heroin
has caused in my life.

I'm a drug addict,
and I've been using I. V. heroin

for 8 years now.

I wasn't fully aware of how many
people I was hurting,

who I was hurting, and how much
I was playing with death

every time that I did this.

A man is alive tonight
thanks to the fast action

of an Aurora police officer.

He overdosed in the bathroom
a King Sooper.

I've overdosed multiple times.

I've been hospitalized
multiple times for overdoses.

My parents have received that
call from the hospital saying,

"Your son has overdosed
and died,

but we brought him back."

I just feel like a piece of shit
human being

for all these things
I've done, you know,

and these past 3 1/2 months
where I've been sober,

I have still not addressed
these major issues.

If I don't forgive myself,
I will get high again

because that shame and guilt
is a huge chunk

of what drives me to use drugs,

specifically heroin,
in the first place,

and that's really
what I'm looking for

in this ayahuasca journey.

♪♪

My name is Steve.

I'm the chief shaman of Aya
Quest Native Americas Church.

Thank you for coming.

This lovely brew right here,
this is our brew.

This is American Ayahuasca.

This was brewed by Americans
for Americans.

That's why we're here.

I don't want you to think
that this come from the Amazon,

cause it didn't. I brewed it.
I put everything in this brew.

I know exactly what's in it,

and that's where Mother Aya
resides is right there.

Dane: Where are we going to
drink it?

We're not going to drink it
in here, are we?

‐Yeah.
‐Mm‐hmm.

‐Just in these chairs?
‐Mm‐hmm.

Why?
Where would you drink it?

‐I mean...
‐Where would you drink it?

...I was thinking, like, on,
like, some pillows or something.

Why?
Does it matter?

You know, softer, I guess.

Your beds will be softer, too,
and as you get relaxed,

you'll want to go
to your bed,

but right now we're going to

drink it here at the table.

That's where we always drink it.

‐Cool.
‐If that's cool with you.

I'm down.

Cool.
Thank you.

Teri: Now, she can be the most
beautiful loving being

in the universe,

and she can be
the most hurtful bitch

you've ever met,

and a lot of that
depends on you,

but be respectful of it.

Be respectful, be open,
and be willing,

and she will help you
in every way she can.

Cool.

Keenan: I was very nervous
to take the ayahuasca,

but I think I need to get
some self‐forgiveness

to be able to move on.

Cheri: I want to understand how
I can better help myself,

so even though
I'm very hopeful,

I also know
I have no expectations.

You know, I'm ‐‐
I'm willing to just be open

to the experience
and whatever it yields.

♪♪

♪♪

Steve: Ayahuasca
is a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man,

but this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self,

your subconscious,
and through that portal,

you're going to meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey
first takes off,

you may feel euphoria
until ‐‐

Boom!

The spike hits
and the purge begins.

You may laugh. You may cry,

and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit,

but each of those purges
are a physical manifestation

of an emotional release.

That's when you truly
find healing.

♪♪

How many are we going
to drink total tonight?

Teri:
That depends on the person.

You may drink three cups
where Cheri may drink four cups.

It ‐‐ We don't say
there's a maximum number,

and really the only minimum
is getting enough of it in you

to get you
to have an experience.

Okay.

After drinking the Ayahuasca,

I was just feeling
really anxious

and ready for it
to start and impatient.

I did end up thinking about
my relationships

with my family and stuff.

I was born and raised
in Mormonism,

and growing up,
I just thought

that's, like,
what everyone was like.

The goal of Mormonism
or any cult

is to bring you
in line to conform.

It's like, "You're one of us
now. You're just a Mormon."

I remember both of my parents

had been messing
around on each other.

Finding out that they were
being immoral

and all this stuff,
it just, like, sent me into,

like, a rage spiral,

so when I finally really decided

that I was going to leave
Mormonism,

it was actually, like,
Christmas 2011.

My mom told me that was, like,

the worst experience of her
life, including her divorce.

I used to have a family
that I loved,

and we were, like, all on the
same page about, like, stuff,

which is important,
I think, in a family.

Like, recently I didn't even
go to my sister's wedding

'cause she had it in, like,
this Mormon temple

that I wouldn't have
been allowed to go into.

It's really,
really depressing,

the wall that just appears
between you and your family

when you decide to embrace,
like, reality.

I was just laying there going,
"I'm ready for this shit,"

and all of a sudden there was,
like, this Slender Man alien

looking at me like,
"Oh, are you ‐‐ Are you ready?"

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Teri: Cheri is here because
she is 7 months sober,

and all of the demons
that she was keeping suppressed

by drinking have started
raising their heads.

I've had problems with alcohol.

It cost me 7 1/2 months
sitting in jail,

so I completely understand,
you know,

[bleep] up and having it
create a problem for your kids

and, you know,
wanting to do better for them.

My kids were pretty well
into their teenage years

before I really
figured it out.

Really?

You should be the first one
you're taking care of.

I know.
That's the thing

because otherwise
there's nothing for you

if you can't.

Exactly.

But we were so conditioned.

It's backwards.

We have to take care of
everything else first

and then us,

but it's like trying to pour
from an empty pot.

So my suggestion to you

would be every day,
make time for you.

Cheri:
I didn't have my first drink

until I was about 23.

It was a very strict
Christian church we grew up in.

You didn't wear pants.
Women wore head coverings.

You know, it was just
a one‐sided view of the world.

In order to be a good Christian,
you had to be a good wife,

and that meant following your
husband's lead no matter what.

You know, I remember looking
in the mirror one day,

and I didn't know
who I was anymore.

I felt so miserable.
I just ‐‐ I literally...

I wanted to die.

The summer after we had
the divorce,

the drinking on my end
had just escalated,

and I felt like a failure
everywhere I turned,

and I remember it was
on my son's birthday.

You know, I showed up drunk
to the birthday party,

and they were coming home
with me that afternoon.

I don't member much of
driving them home

even though it was not
very far down the road.

I remember drinking
when I got home,

and I remember I think I must
have passed out on the floor

while they were playing,
and, of course, to them,

"Mommy, why are you tired?"

You know, they didn't know,

and I felt so ashamed,

and I felt like I was hurting
them.

So I think once ‐‐
once it got to the point

that I saw myself
as a threat to them,

that's when I think
something snapped.

In my mind, I felt like they
would be better off without me.

♪♪

They were the reason
why I wanted to leave

because I wasn't good enough,

yet they were the very reason
why I stayed.

♪♪

♪♪

So that's when I made
the commitment not to drink.

I know there's been so much hope
with psychedelics and addiction

and recovery that that's part
of the reason why I'm here.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, man.

Steve: Dane is lacking
a sense of community

because he had been
ostracized from his family

when he chose to leave
the Mormon church.

But one of the things
that Dane was missing

was how to interact
with strong feminine energy

in a respectful way.

He was raised in this fully
male‐dominated society.

They do not respect
feminine energy,

feminine thought,
feminine freedom,

and I had to impart to him
that this type of thinking,

while it may not be your fault,
you will pay the price for.

Well, Dane, this is no accident
that me and you are here alone.

‐Okay.
‐This was done by design

because Mother Aya imparted me
some things that she wanted

me and you to go over,
that she wanted you to know.

How you were raised and how
you approach feminine energy

is not your fault.

Interesting.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.
Okay.

The only reason I'm
bringing this up is

because I want you to embrace
the power of feminine energy

to bring you closer
to Mother

because I know
that's what you came for.

Yeah, I ‐‐
There's something that needs

to be healed in my relationship
with feminine energy for sure.

With that thought,
I want to give this cup to you,

and please.

Okay.

Mother Aya was the first
feminine energy that woke me up,

and it really made me rethink
my approach to females,

and that's what
I wanted for him,

and I had to remind myself

as the biggest asshole
that I have been in my life,

he's nowhere near that.

And, so,
if there was hope for me,

then there is definitely
a lot of hope for Dane.

♪♪

When he was in his deepest
part of his journey,

I put him in a room in isolation

with a projector
shooting nothing but images...

‐Oh, yeah.
‐...of strong feminine energy

in all its forms
from animal to human,

and I just let them
play over and over.

Every time he opened his eyes,

he would have a strong
feminine presence

in a non‐sexual context.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, a slideshow
of how to respect women.

This is adorable.

This is going to be sick.

[ Sighs ]

I was feeling very strange,
and then...

♪♪

...some visuals
started to come up,

and I was just
laying there going,

"I'm ready.
I'm ready for this shit,"

and all of a sudden there was,
like, this Slender Man alien

looking at me like,
"Oh, are you? Are you ready?"

and I was just like,
"What the [bleep]?"

And I just, like, threw up,

and it was almost like
I felt like it was,

like, poking me and, like,
making me throw up.

Like, it was like,

"You're not [bleep] worthy
of this right now."

Oh, goodness gracious.

[ Clears throat ]

All right, my man.

Thank you.

And I was like, "All right.
I'm not going to be afraid

this time when it happens.
I'm going to keep it down."

[ Exhaling sharply ]

But then it's, like,
"Oh, no. No!"

And it came back up again,
and it's like, bleh!

And I was just like,

"Damn!

[ Chuckles ]
She's not letting me in, man."

♪♪

Slowly but surely,

like, some of the visuals

that had initially startled me
started to come back to me.

There were alien faces kind of
coming through

and looking at me and stuff.

It was this feeling of, like,
"You're not listening yet.

You're not truly listening.

Like, you got to just
listen and respect."

Steve: You know, one of
the first things I always

coach people on
coming into this is,

you must show respect
to the other side,

and Dane came at her
disrespectful.

Mother Aya is not something
that you can just go pawn off

and sell and take her out of a
bottle when you have use for her

and bottle her up
when you don't.

And just because you
don't get what you want

doesn't mean you didn't
get what you needed.

Oh, man. Ah.

I was stealing.
I was manipulating.

I was a pathological liar.
I am a pathological liar.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The morning after my first
journey, I'm feeling so relaxed,

so much better than yesterday.

At one point last night,

I feel like it was
the voice of my addiction.

It was like, "I want more.
This isn't enough,"

and I was getting restless,
and I was getting,

like, discontent,
and I was awake,

and, like, the show was over,
and I didn't like where I was,

just like the moments
when I'd want a drink.

So in that moment, I remember
feeling like I want more,

and then there was, like,
another voice says,

"Is it ever enough?
Do you ever have enough?"

and I thought, "No, that's ‐‐
Nothing is ever enough for me,"

and then suddenly, it was like,

"Okay, what if I
just let it be enough?"

and I just close
my eyes and relax,

and it was like I went
back into just serenity,

and I just went back to sleep.

It was great.

♪♪

Keenan: I'm feeling great.

I am feeling extremely peaceful,
relaxed.

I haven't loved myself
in a long time,

and last night, Mother Ayahuasca

kind of showed me
that experience,

that feeling
of unconditional love

that I have not felt
in so long.

I never thought that I was going
to be a heroin addict.

I didn't wake up one day
and say,

"I want to be
a heroin addict."

I grew up in a ‐‐
in a great family, I'd say.

I was the youngest
of three siblings,

and I just remember always
having this overwhelming sense

of I'm less than
or I'm not enough,

and I always felt this need
to prove myself to them.

At the age of 16,
I was prescribed Percocet

for a wisdom‐tooth extraction,

and that temporarily gave me
all this confidence.

I remember the day I chewed up
four 5 milligram Percocets,

so 20 milligrams
of oxycodone,

and I literally remember
telling myself,

"I want to feel like this
for the rest of my life."

But soon enough, all of that
became way too expensive,

and then one day,
I'm 17 at the time,

I bought heroin instead.

It was cheaper, you know?

My friend convinced me
that it was cheaper.

It was better, and it was.

By the time I was 20, you know,
my mom had walked in on me

with a needle in my hand.

So much of her jewelry

and valuables had gone
missing at this point.

You know, I was stealing.
I was manipulating.

I was a pathological liar.

I am a pathological liar
when I'm using drugs

because it's a survival thing.

The thing with my mom is,
she didn't want to believe that,

you know, because
it was so heartbreaking to her,

and it still is.

Now, being sober,

it's the hardest
thing in the world to face

that I've caused my mom
so much pain and my dad as well

and the fact that they're
still there for me.

Knowing how much pain
I've caused them,

that can give me
the motivation to change

or that can give me
the motivation

to sabotage and self‐destruct,

but the fact of the matter is,

I want to have that relationship
back with them

because they mean
the world to me.

♪♪

♪♪

Cheri: We knew that the first
night was sort of a pregame.

Next thing I know, we're being
led up stairs and outside.

They had prepared a beautiful
fire and the torches lit

and the lights,
and it was just like, "Wow."

And it really, like,

set the tone
for a whole new journey.

♪♪

Well, thank you you all
for joining us.

Wow, thank you.

If you got shoes on,
take them off.

Kind of touch the earth.

I want you to get grounded
for just a minute,

and, you know, feel
Mother Earth right now.

I'm going to do the same thing.

The skulls represent
all our ancestors watching us

go through this transformation
process called physical life.

It's not about making them
comfortable the second night.

The second night
is exactly the opposite.

The second night
is about becoming.

It is about becoming whole.

It is about becoming healed,
and it is about progression.

I've destroyed a lot of
relationships,

totaled cars, overdosed
and ended up in the hospital.

It's just embedded in me
that I'm a horrible person.

♪♪

♪♪

Teri:
The second night, you know,

it can still take up to 2 hours

for you to start feeling it.

‐Hmm.
‐For some people it doesn't.

For some people, once their body
kind of identifies it,

‐like...
‐Ah, got you.

...it's on.

But we won't know
until you get there.

‐Right.
‐But it would not be

unreasonable for you

to already start feeling it
tonight.

Keenan is here from a very
devastating opiate addiction

that started when
he was a teenager.

He got into the opiate world
not by choice,

but because a doctor
with a prescription pad

wrote him a script
for Percocets,

and at 16 years old,

there's no way he had
the personal skills

to deal with this thing
called opiate addiction.

But at 24, I think
he really has a firm grip

on where this opiate addiction
is taking him,

and it's taking him
to a 6‐foot hole.

And he doesn't want that,

and that's going to be
his biggest saving grace

is that clarity.

This right here is a kite,
and this kite we're going to

let go into the universe,
but before we do,

I want you to write
on the outside of this

everything you've lost
in your addiction ‐‐

loss of family, loss of respect.

Well, I mean, everything that
this addiction has cost you

I want you
to put right on here...

‐Okay.
‐...because that's what we're

going to let go to the universe.

I'm going to go ahead
and leave you two alone.

‐Thank you again.
‐Thank you.

I certainly do appreciate
your courage.

Thank you.

With Keenan,
I brought in Walter.

Walter has fought many demons

when it's come
to his own sobriety.

He has been an opiate addict.

It's one thing for me to talk
about bank robberies,

but it's another thing when
another opiate addict who said,

"Dude, 10 years ago,
I was in a worse place than you,

and this is how
I walked it out."

How long have
you been sober?

111 days.

Congratulations, my man.

‐Yeah.
‐That is awesome.

Yeah. Absolutely.

It's the longest time
I've had off opiates

since I started
when I was 16.

What do you think were
the things in your path

that truly held you back each
time you attempted sobriety?

The shame and guilt

of these things I've done

and just forgiving myself

because I haven't
been able to.

You know, it's just
embedded in me

that I'm a horrible person
because of my past

because of the things
I've done ‐‐ crashed cars,

totaled cars, overdosed,
ended up in the hospital.

The person ‐‐ The right person
was there at the right time

who had NARCAN to revive me.

You know, I should not be alive,
and I can truly say that.

I always had
an ulterior motive

to every single person
I talked to.

It's pretty much how I'm going
to benefit from you,

usually financially.

You know, so I've destroyed
a lot of relationships,

and usually it was the people
that loved me most.

You know, those are the things
that'll keep an individual

chained to addiction
forever is the shame,

not being able to
forgive themselves

or feeling like a victim.

I struggled with those things
for a long time myself,

so I'm going to have you
write down

all the things that you
have lost through addiction,

and after you write it down,

we're going to release it
to the universe

'cause after tonight,
you're going to be a new person.

♪♪

♪♪

I remember sitting in those
cages in federal prison

thinking my life was over.

It was never going to be
the same,

and there was no way
I could recover from it,

but you know
how I recovered from it?

One step, one day at a time.

I couldn't come out and think
about everything that I'd lost.

I had to think about everything
I needed to build,

and that's where I had
to put my energy,

and that's exactly what I was
trying to get across to Keenan

with this Thai lantern.

Let what you lost go.

There is no getting it back.

There is only building
something new.

♪♪

When I let go of that
Thai lantern,

I did feel
a sense of relief,

a sense of weight
off my shoulders.

My whole body felt weightless
and warm,

like such a comfortable,

like, almost being hugged
type of feeling.

There are two tapestries across
from my bed where I was looking.

One is of this woman with a tear
of blood coming out of her eye.

She looked alive,
and it was so powerful,

but it turned into the most
tragic‐looking human being

that I think I've ever seen.

I saw the person I had become
through my addiction,

all these things
that I have done wrong.

But the more I kept looking,

this picture started
to brighten.

The tears and blood literally
retracted into her eyes,

and she turned into
the most beautiful image

of a woman I have ever seen.

It showed me this transformation
of someone

so far gone in so much pain
to a beautiful happy person,

restored to themselves.

That was showing me
that transformation is possible.

Cheri: Teri had came over,
and all of a sudden,

as I'm talking to her,
her face just suddenly

just got way different from me.

♪♪

♪♪

Teri and I discussed Cheri,

and we thought
the arena of reflection

would be the perfect
mechanism for her

to really go deep into
her subconscious using light,

using color,
using conversational hypnosis,

and she's going to be
looking dead at herself

in all directions

because she needs
to see herself differently.

Just have a seat,
and just get comfortable.

Teri: I will set this
right here...

‐Thank you.
‐...just in case you need it.

All right.

The real Cheri isn't some
alcoholic who [bleep] shit up.

The real Cheri is
very vulnerable at times,

and I feel that we're going
to have to touch

her vulnerabilities
to let her subconscious mind,

her inner child, know
it's okay to hurt,

but you don't have to suffer.

Now I would like you to
look at that woman in the mirror

right there, all around you.

This 7 months that
you've had in sobriety,

if I asked you
what was the one thing

that's the most positive thing
from it, what would you tell me?

Clarity, I think.

I think being able to see ‐‐
to see things,

to just be able to see the world
around me intensely

and to actually be able to look
people in the eye more...

‐Okay.
‐...and really be with people

in the moment.

When I first made the commitment

to start to get sober,

I remember I was talking
to the therapist, and he said,

"You know, the person you need
to meet is in the mirror,"

so it's kind of ironic that
I'm actually seeing my real self

how everybody else sees me

'cause it's not the girl
I see every day.

[ Laughs ]

Which is beautiful.

‐It's a‐‐ It's ‐‐ It's ‐‐
‐It's not ‐‐

That's what this is about.

Yeah. I love that.

That is amazing.

What do you do
for a living?

I clean houses.

‐Okay.
‐And I hate it. [ Laughs ]

You know what? Learning what
you hate is the first step

to finding what you love,

and, you know, you've been
making this work in your life,

and you been doing it
out of bravery

and courage for your children
and for all the right reasons,

and I want you to recognize
that about yourself.

I want you to recognize
that every painful day

doing what you hated when you
come home and hug those boys,

that's why you were
cleaning those toilets.

If they were here, they would
hug you if they ever knew

what their mother went through
just to put food on their table

to make sure that they were
safe and taken care of.

Just because you've had
a couple slips and falls

in your life does not mean
that you're a loser.

There's only one rule to being
a winner in this life,

and that is you get up one
more time than you fell down,

and you're doing
that right now.

And that is beautiful.
And that is courage.

In the moment, it was actually

really hard for me
to see myself.

It was just powerful.

I just kept looking into
my own eyes and smiling,

and I just ‐‐
I felt so good.

It was okay, and, like,
I looked,

and it was like I could see
a beauty inside of myself

of everything that they said,
and I could see.

I could see me
for the first time.

Then, the next thing I know,
I'm ‐‐ I feel like

I just sat straight‐up.

And I'm just, like,
looking around, and whoa.

Like, that's when the fear
and loathing

of Las Vegas
started to take over.

Suddenly, I have
no concept of time.

Everything felt upside down.

I think you're familiar.

Mm‐hmm.

So, like, what I'm saying
is, if I focus on you,

it brings me back to what
I thought was reality.

Mm‐hmm.

Because everybody else is
participating in this journey.

Yes.

That seems a little weird

because a minute ago,
it felt like days ago.

Teri had came over,
and all of a sudden,

as I'm talking to her,

her face just suddenly
just got way different from me,

and, like, the sides of her face
began to be wavy

like lines and the colors,

and it was just like
a kaleidoscope,

and you just watched,
but yet she was speaking to me.

This is so fascinating.

It is.

But you get it, so I'm not,
like, the only one.

No, you're not
the only one.

Like, that's all
I want to know is,

is everybody in the same thing
with me, right?

The feeling of knowing, like,
the thoughts I would have,

and then suddenly it would
go from just a concept

to I would have
a deeper realization.

You know, the biggest baggage
weight aside

from just day‐to‐day living,

I think some of the most
damaging stuff

Mother Aya took from me,
and I felt like I just ‐‐

I just had such a sweet peace.

I can't explain it, and ‐‐

But, yeah, no.
It was beautiful.

It was exactly the way
it was supposed to be.

♪♪

♪♪

Keenan: You want the bag here,
mama bear?

Leaving here, I got
a lot of things

I want to tell my parents,
my mom in particular.

However, I think I'm just
going to have to show them

that now I'm able to live
in the present,

make the right decisions,

not be caught in this cycle
of shame and guilt,

and my word will start
to have merit again.

I'm on a slow road
of rebuilding this trust,

but I think it will come,

and that's an amazing thing
to be able to say out loud

and to be able to believe it

because I have never
believed it before.

When I showed up to Aya Quest,
I felt pretty sure of myself.

I felt really confident and, uh,

just kind of, like,
a little badass,

I guess, like I was just
going to rock it,

and it turned out to be
more difficult

than I thought
it was going to be.

Steve: Well, Dane,
how's everything

feeling for you
this morning?

I'd say I feel
really good.

Like, mm, definitely,
like, um, clearer...

‐Okay.
‐...I guess, lighter.

Okay. She gave you kind of
a gut check there.

Yeah, big ego check.

And that's beautiful.

That's part of transition.

Just recognize you're never
going to kill that ego.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐It's you.

That's a part of you,
but you can make ‐‐

help it transition, and that's
what you're doing now,

and I applaud it.

Those weren't easy things
to hear from me.

Those weren't easy things
to hear from the other side,

but you took it.

You were open
to all communication,

and, man, I applaud that

because that's courage.
That really is.

Cool.

Steve: Mother Aya,
she needed to take his legs

slap out from under him
and roll him on the ground

spiritually, if you will,
to get him unstuck

from the muck of that crap
in his mind,

and let me tell you,
you make Mother angry,

don't think
she can't touch you.

Good to see you all again.

How are we feeling right now,
pretty good?

‐Good.
‐Wonderful.

Excellent.
That's good to hear.

Well, you all have had
some intense experiences.

I'm impressed with the bravery
and the courage I seen

from everybody in this group.

You all went deep
as you could go.

You tried to do as best
as you could,

and really that's all you
can do in life and a journey.

When things are becoming
painful,

and you're feeling
a little bit of resistance,

I want you to step back
and examine,

"What am I doing?
Am I allowing things to develop,

or am I trying to make
something happen?"

and 9 times out of 10,

when you look at it
through that lens,

you were trying
to make something happen

rather than trusting
the universe has your back.

Let the universe
just let it unfold.

Let the spirits
flow through you.

Ayahuasca is, like,
an outside force

coming in to help you
gain perspective.

You're saying, "I give you
permission to set me straight,"

which no human could ever
have done for me,

so it was, like,
this goddess came in

and told me some
higher‐dimensional shit

that, like,
I really needed to know,

and I'm just really, really,
really, really grateful.

‐Thank you.
‐Thank you.

Keenan: I forgave myself.

I've seen that transformation
is possible

and that I would not experience
pleasure without the pain.

♪♪

Cheri: Leaving Aya Quest now,
I'm ‐‐ It's hard to explain.

I mean, there's just no words.

It's like I have this amazing
serenity in me

that I've never had.

I'm calm, and the future
just seems so open.

♪♪

Steve:
Mother Aya is a feminine goddess

who is an ambassador
to the divine.

When you make a connection with
this powerful ancient goddess,

there's only one route
you're going to go.

You're going to submit
your little immature ego,

and you're going to put all
of your little petty problems

on pause, and she's going
to hold this giant [bleep]

mirror right up to you,

and she's not going to
let you look away,

and you're going to have
to make peace with that ugliness

that you see before the beauty
that is really you can develop.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I feel like things are
looking up for old Dane,

which is a good way to feel.

♪♪

♪♪

Life is still crazy,

but I'm handling my stress

far better than I ever did
before.

I don't take life
as seriously as before,

and I'm noticing a lot
of little synchronicities

and good things that happen
here and there,

so I'm just ‐‐ I'm very happy,
so that's ‐‐ that's huge.

♪♪

♪♪

Yesterday I managed
to get 6 months' clean.

It's been a little over 2 months

since my ayahuasca ceremony,

uh, which has had nothing
but positive impacts on my life.

♪♪