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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:15,973 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 2 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,470 - HOW YOU ALL DOING? 3 00:00:21,467 --> 00:00:24,397 WHEN I SAY "HEY", YOU SAY, "HO". 4 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,630 -- HEY -- HO 5 00:00:25,633 --> 00:00:26,833 - HEY - HO 6 00:00:26,834 --> 00:00:29,204 - WHEN I SAY "WANT SOME", YOU SAY "MO'". 7 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,570 -- WANT SOME - MO'. 8 00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:31,967 -- WANT SOME - MO' 9 00:00:31,967 --> 00:00:33,927 - MO -- MORE? 10 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:37,304 ALL RIGHT. WANT SOME MORE. 11 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:39,570 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 12 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,967 YEAH. 13 00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:45,067 BOY, YOU REALLY DO IT. SON OF A BITCH. 14 00:00:45,066 --> 00:00:50,366 [ LAUGHS ] SON OF A BITCH. 15 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,397 IT'S GOOD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE 16 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,170 SMILING AND EVERYTHING, IT'S COOL. 17 00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:54,166 GIVE IT UP FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE. 18 00:00:54,166 --> 00:00:57,766 YOU ALL BRAVE MOTHERFUCKERS. 19 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,427 I JUST GOT BACK FROM AFRICA. 20 00:01:00,433 --> 00:01:02,403 GIVE IT UP, BABY. 21 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,170 GIVE IT UP, BABY, COME ON NOW. 22 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:09,496 GIVE IT UP. GIVE IT UP. 23 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:16,270 [ BEAT BOXING ] 24 00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:19,996 [ CLAPPING ] 25 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,400 AND THAT'S JUST IN THE AIRPORT. 26 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,030 AFRICA, MAN. AFRICA. 27 00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,573 BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S CRAZY BECAUSE OVER IN AFRICA, 28 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,497 THEY GOT DRIVE-BYS NOW. 29 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,500 AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT? DRIVE-BYS IN AFRICA. 30 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,570 AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT? 31 00:01:32,567 --> 00:01:33,667 ONLY THEY DO IT DIFFERENT OVER THERE. 32 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:37,127 THEY BE LIKE -- VROOM -- [ BLOW DART SOUND ] 33 00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:39,703 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 34 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:43,130 DID WE GET HIM? 35 00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:44,673 ♪ 36 00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:45,767 - DEF COMEDY JAM. 37 00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:48,697 IT'S THE RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM 38 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:53,770 WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY! 39 00:01:53,767 --> 00:01:56,967 TONIGHT'S GUESTS, MARCUS COMBS -- 40 00:01:56,967 --> 00:01:59,167 ALEX SCOTT -- 41 00:01:59,166 --> 00:02:01,696 ALI -- 42 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:04,400 AND CHRIS THOMAS. 43 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,600 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY, 44 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,730 THE KID CAPRI. 45 00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:10,834 AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST. 46 00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:17,534 SO LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY! 47 00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:21,203 [ APPLAUSE ] 48 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,730 - HEY, NOW. HOW Y'ALL? 49 00:02:22,734 --> 00:02:27,004 ONE MORE TIME, MY MAN KID CAPRI! 50 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,470 [ APPLAUSE ] 51 00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:31,067 YOU KNOW ALL THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS. 52 00:02:31,066 --> 00:02:32,866 REMEMBER THAT GAY SENATOR FROM IDAHO? 53 00:02:32,867 --> 00:02:33,967 THIS MOTHER FUCKER IS -- 54 00:02:33,967 --> 00:02:37,127 IS TRYING TO GET SOME ASS IN A BATHROOM. 55 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,833 AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 56 00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:40,174 YOU EVER BEEN TO A MEN'S BATHROOM? 57 00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:41,466 THAT SHIT IS NASTY. 58 00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:42,967 I DON'T EVEN PUT MY FUCKIN' LUGGAGE 59 00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:44,297 DOWN ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR. 60 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,370 YOU EVER BEEN TO THE BATHROOM 61 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,597 SO FUCKED UP YOU JUST SHIT ON YOURSELF? 62 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,870 NAH, I'M GONNA GET THIS WHEN I GET HOME, FUCK YOU. 63 00:02:49,867 --> 00:02:51,297 AND THEY TAP THEIR FEET ON THE FLOOR. 64 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,700 THAT'S THE SYMBOL FOR GAY SEX. 65 00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:55,230 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT. [ LAUGHS ] 66 00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:59,233 I'LL NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH AN IPOD AGAIN, FUCK YOU. 67 00:02:59,233 --> 00:03:01,033 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 68 00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:02,573 "ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?" 69 00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:04,497 "NO, MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS LISTENING TO THE NEW KANYE JOINT. 70 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,800 GET AWAY FROM ME!" 71 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,700 AND WHEN YOU TAP YOUR FOOT ON THE GROUND, WHAT HAPPEN? 72 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:12,630 DO A DICK FALL OUT OF THE CEILING OR -- 73 00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:14,003 THAT SHIT WAS ALL ON THE NEWS. 74 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,100 YOU KNOW, ONE PERSON WHO WAS HAPPY WAS MICHAEL VICK. 75 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:19,270 HE'S LIKE, "SHIT, AT LEAST I AIN'T ON THE NEWS NO GODDAMN MORE." 76 00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,596 "HEY, LOOK, I MIGHT HAVE KILL SOME DOGS, 77 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,100 BUT I WASN'T TRYING TO SUCK DICK IN A BATHROOM. 78 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:25,370 THAT'S ALL THE FUCK I'M SAYING." 79 00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,667 I DONE -- MICHAEL VICK CATCHING HELL, MAN. 80 00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:27,697 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 81 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:28,870 YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, 82 00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:31,227 THEY SAY HE KILLED DOGS BECAUSE THEY LOST. 83 00:03:31,233 --> 00:03:32,503 AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLAYED FOR THE FALCONS. 84 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,470 AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 85 00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:40,127 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 86 00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:43,173 YOU KNOW, IT'S FUCKIN' TRUE. 87 00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:44,266 YOU KNOW THE DOGS, IF THEY COULD TALK, 88 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,266 THEY'D HAVE TALK SOME SHIT. 89 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,126 "HEY, MOTHERFUCKER, I LOST THE GAME, 90 00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,433 BUT YOU JUST LOST TO THE RAIDERS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! 91 00:03:49,433 --> 00:03:53,073 WHAT THE FUCK? 92 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,926 YOU KNOW THE RAIDERS CAN'T PLAY NO FUCKIN' FOOTBALL. 93 00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:57,774 THEY DON'T EVEN DO THE SPORTS REPORT FOR THE RAIDERS. 94 00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:01,027 THEY JUST COME IN, "Y'ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED." 95 00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,103 AND IN OTHER NEWS -- [ LAUGHS ] 96 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,770 Y'ALL READY TO KICK THIS THING OFF? 97 00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,067 - YEAH! 98 00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:08,496 [ APPLAUSE ] 99 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,700 - THIS MAN RIGHT HERE HAILS FROM THE WINDY CITY. 100 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:15,570 GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN, MARCUS COMBS. 101 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:19,567 [ APPLAUSE ] 102 00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:21,527 - THAT'S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE. 103 00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:25,603 HOW MANY OF Y'ALL EVER RODE A SKATEBOARD? 104 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,670 LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I USE TO RIDE. 105 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:27,767 MY MOMMA WOULD SEND ME TO THE STORE -- 106 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:31,227 LET ME SHOW HOW I USED TO RIDE MY SHIT. 107 00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:34,233 I GOT HEADPHONES IN MY EAR, GOT MY MUSIC, 108 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:38,003 PULL UP TO A KIND OF GIRL I LIKED -- 109 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,530 [ LAUGHTER ] 110 00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:41,433 WHAT'S UP, GIRL? 111 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,703 OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HOLLER AT ME? 112 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,270 WELL, FUCK YOU THEN. 113 00:04:45,266 --> 00:04:47,266 THE ONE DAY I WAS IN LA, SEE SOME GUYS IN RED. 114 00:04:47,266 --> 00:04:48,396 I THOUGHT THEY WAS CRIPS. 115 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,800 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT UP, CUZ?" 116 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,100 OH, YOU ALL AIN'T CRIPS? 117 00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:58,630 OH, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T CRIPS. 118 00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:01,773 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 119 00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,627 WHAT'S UP, LA? 120 00:05:04,633 --> 00:05:06,403 [ APPLAUSE ] 121 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,970 LOOK AT ALL THESE PRETTY MOTHERFUCKERS IN HERE, SHIT. 122 00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,927 GOT THEIR TOES DID. 123 00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:14,004 WENT TO THE CHINESE PEOPLE, DIDN'T YOU? 124 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,930 THEY GOT GOOD SERVICE IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DON'T THEY? 125 00:05:15,934 --> 00:05:18,474 THEY GOT FIVE PEOPLE ON FEET AND NAILS, 126 00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:19,797 ONE MOTHERFUCKER COLLECTING MONEY. 127 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,670 HE GAY AND THE OWNER. 128 00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:23,067 THEN THEY GOT THE LADY WHO GREETS YOU. 129 00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:25,426 "MANICURE, PEDICURE?" 130 00:05:25,433 --> 00:05:26,433 "COME ON! COME ON! 131 00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:27,733 COME ON! SIT HERE. 132 00:05:27,734 --> 00:05:28,774 TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF. 133 00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:29,797 SOMEONE BE RIGHT THERE. 134 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,200 NEXT CUSTOMER, MANICURE, PEDICURE? 135 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,530 COME ON! 136 00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,003 SIT HERE WITH THIS LADY, OKAY? 137 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,100 YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER." 138 00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:39,130 [ SPEAKING CHINESE ] WATCH THESE TWO BITCHES. 139 00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:42,733 "NEXT, MANICURE PEDICURE?" 140 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:46,004 "COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!" 141 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,030 DON'T WALK IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER JUST WANTING A MANICURE. 142 00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:50,803 "MANICURE, PEDICURE?" 143 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,930 "NO, JUST THE MANICURE." 144 00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:55,634 "SIR, YOU SEE ALL THE LADY HERE? 145 00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:58,933 "THEY WANT MANICURE, PEDICURE. 146 00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:00,004 WE'RE TOO BUSY, GO DOWN THE STREET. 147 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,000 MY COUSIN TAKE CARE OF YOU. 148 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,270 NEXT, MANICURE, PEDICURE?" 149 00:06:05,266 --> 00:06:07,366 THEY BE WALKING AROUND ALL DAY IF THEY AIN'T GOT NO CUSTOMERS. 150 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,167 [ SINGING ] "MANICURE, PEDICURE? 151 00:06:11,166 --> 00:06:13,926 COME ON." 152 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:18,634 ANYBODY EVER SEEN A CHINESE ON CRACK? ANYBODY? 153 00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,833 THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT, TRUST ME. 154 00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:23,774 YOU JUST CAN'T TELL BECAUSE THEIR EYES AIN'T BIG AS OURS. 155 00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:28,367 THEY SHIT BE LOW AS HELL BUT THEY BE LAUGHING. [ LAUGHS ] 156 00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:29,897 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU HIGH, AIN'T YOU?" 157 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,800 "NO." [ LAUGHS ] 158 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:32,800 "FUCK YOU KEEP LAUGHING FOR?" 159 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,100 "DON'T PLAY, HURRY UP, OKAY? 160 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:40,270 I SUPERMAN, YOU HO, COME ON." 161 00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,666 THEY SMOKE THAT CRACK, THOUGH. 162 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,327 OH, THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT. 163 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:45,403 AND THEIR COUNTRY IS SO STRICT, 164 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,530 THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALL OVER HERE. 165 00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:48,273 THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH A LOT OF SHIT. 166 00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:50,466 ONE OF THEM DECIDE TO SMOKE CRACK IN THE HOUSE. 167 00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:53,597 [ SPEAKING IN CHINESE ] 168 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:54,830 LITTLE NIECE WALK IN AND CATCH HIM. 169 00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,704 "I TELL ON YOU." 170 00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:59,200 "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK." 171 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,630 NEXT DAY, HIS ASS BEING KICKED OUT. 172 00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:02,633 NOW SHE CRYING. 173 00:07:02,633 --> 00:07:08,233 "CHU SHANG! CHU SHANG. 174 00:07:08,233 --> 00:07:09,303 UNCLE WOO." 175 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,700 "WHAT?" 176 00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:13,370 "WHY Y'ALL MAKE CHU SHANG LEAVE?" 177 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,997 "FUCK CHU SHANG." 178 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,500 "CHU SHANG A JUNKIE. 179 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,500 HE STOLE TEN DOLLAR OUT MY WALLET. 180 00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,130 FUCK CHU SHANG." 181 00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:25,333 "CHU SHANG!" 182 00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:26,403 "WHAT?" 183 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,400 "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!" 184 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,400 "FUCK YOU. 185 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,630 I GOT TO AMERICA, GET A NAIL SHOP. 186 00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:32,303 I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!" 187 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:39,300 [ SINGING ] 188 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,500 "CHU SHANG!" 189 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:41,900 "WHAT?" "I WORK FOR YOU." 190 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:44,270 "COME ON! SWIM!" 191 00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:45,966 [ LAUGHTER ] 192 00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:47,127 NOW THEY BALLING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. 193 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,733 [ PHONE RINGING ] "HELLO, PRO NAILS." 194 00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:52,074 "UH, IS THIS CHU SHANG?" 195 00:07:52,066 --> 00:07:53,166 "YEAH, WHO IS THIS?" 196 00:07:53,166 --> 00:07:54,126 "THIS UNCLE WOO." 197 00:07:54,133 --> 00:07:55,933 "CAN'T TALK. DOING FULL SET. BYE." 198 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,204 CLICK, NEXT. 199 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,200 MANICURE, PEDICURE? 200 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,670 SOME OF Y'ALL GOING TO GET IN YOUR CAR TONIGHT. 201 00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:04,627 SOON AS YOU START YOUR SHIT, 202 00:08:04,633 --> 00:08:05,773 IT'LL BE LIKE, "BITCH! COME ON. 203 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,567 MANICURE, PEDICURE?" 204 00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:09,867 SOMEBODY GONNA GO HOME AND BE FUCKIN', BE LIKE, 205 00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:10,827 "OH, SHIT. 206 00:08:10,834 --> 00:08:12,474 OH, I'M ABOUT TO NUT, OH, SHIT. 207 00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:15,197 MANICURE, PEDICURE?" 208 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,500 AND SHE GOING TO BE LIKE, CHU SHANG! 209 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:22,000 THANK YOU ALL, MARCUS COMBS. 210 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:29,370 ♪ 211 00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,497 - ONE MORE TIME FOR MARCUS COMBS. 212 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,500 [ APPLAUSE ] 213 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,570 THIS NEXT GUY DEFINITELY KNOW HOW TO WAKE UP AN AUDIENCE. 214 00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:39,627 FROM RICHMOND, VIRGINIA, 215 00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:43,873 PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR ALEX SCOTT. 216 00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:45,797 ♪ 217 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,570 [ APPLAUSE ] 218 00:08:47,567 --> 00:08:49,227 - WHAT'S HAPPENING, Y'ALL? 219 00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:53,173 MAN, YOU ALL GIVE IT UP FOR D.L. HUGHLEY, MAN! 220 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:56,426 WHOA! I'M AT THE DEF JAM, BOY. 221 00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:58,273 MAN, I'M GOING TO DEDICATE THIS TO MY GRANDMA, THOUGH. 222 00:08:58,266 --> 00:09:00,696 MAN, WE LOST HER YESTERDAY, MAN. 223 00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:03,730 WE FOUND HER. 224 00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:08,804 [ LAUGHTER ] 225 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,230 SHE WALKING AROUND NAKED. 226 00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,473 WOULD NOBODY GIVE HER A RIDE HOME. 227 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,697 THAT'S WHAT'S FUCKED UP. 228 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:18,700 CAN'T NOBODY GIVE YOUR GRANDMA A RIDE HOME NAKED. 229 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,070 SHE GET OUT, SAY SOME ALL-CRAZY ALZHEIMER SHIT LIKE, 230 00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:24,166 "SUGAR, WE HAD A BALL TODAY." 231 00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:25,826 [ LAUGHTER ] 232 00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:27,074 YOU AND YOUR COUSINS BE ON THE PORCH LIKE, 233 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,296 "THIS NIGGA' DONE FUCK MY GRANDMOTHER." 234 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:32,300 "THIS NIGGA' DONE FUCK MY GRANDMA. 235 00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:33,930 I GOT TO KILL THEM, I GOT TO KILL HIM!" 236 00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,334 DEF JAM! 237 00:09:35,333 --> 00:09:37,603 WHOA! 238 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,570 CAME OUT HERE FROM VA, BOY, VIRGINIA, BOY. 239 00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,727 ANYBODY FROM THE EAST COAST? 240 00:09:42,734 --> 00:09:44,934 THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 241 00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:47,574 WHERE I'M LIVING -- IT'S COUNTRY WHERE I LIVE AT, DOG. 242 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,567 WE USE TO LIVE SO FAR OUT OF TOWN, 243 00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,027 ONE TIME MY UNCLE FAKED A HEART ATTACK 244 00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:54,503 SO HE COULD GET THE AMBULANCE TO GIVE HIM A RIDE TO TOWN. 245 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,800 I WAS SITTING IN THE BASEMENT PLAYING PLAYSTATION. 246 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:56,830 HE GOING TO COME IN TALKING ABOUT, 247 00:09:56,834 --> 00:09:59,804 "Y'ALL NEED ANYTHING FROM THE STORE? 248 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:04,370 "I'M A CALL 911 IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES. 249 00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:07,327 Y'ALL NEED TO LET ME KNOW IF Y'ALL NEED SOMETHING." 250 00:10:07,333 --> 00:10:08,833 HE THE ONLY FOOL I KNOW PICK AN OUTFIT OUT 251 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,834 BEFORE HE HAVE A HEART ATTACK. 252 00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:11,974 HE COMING IN -- 253 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,227 "YEAH, I'M A WEAR THIS POLO SHIRT TONIGHT. 254 00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:15,673 WORE MY SILK SHIRT LAST TIME. 255 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:19,827 THEY FUCKED IT UP WITH THEIR ELECTRIC SHOCK." 256 00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:25,274 "LOOK LIKE AN IRON PRINT ON FRONT OF MY SHIT." 257 00:10:25,266 --> 00:10:26,226 OH, MAN. 258 00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,633 THE LADIES LOOKING GOOD IN LA. 259 00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:31,803 FELLOWS, GIVE IT UP FOR THEM, WHOA! 260 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:32,830 WHO'S SINGLE IN THE HOUSE? 261 00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:35,934 WHO'S SINGLE IN THE HOUSE? 262 00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,704 [ CHEERING ] 263 00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:38,800 JUST GOT RID OF A MOTHERFUCKER? 264 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,070 WHO JUST GOT RID OF A MOTHERFUCKER? 265 00:10:42,066 --> 00:10:44,296 [ CHEERING ] 266 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,430 I JUST GOT RID OF MY LITTLE CHICK. 267 00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:46,603 SHE WAS ONE OF THEM LITTLE CHICKS, THOUGH, 268 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,300 SHE ALWAYS GOT TO TELL ME HOW GOOD SHE IS TO ME. 269 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,330 YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THEM PEOPLE 270 00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:52,203 EVERYDAY GOT TO ITEMIZE THE RELATIONSHIP. 271 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,830 "NIGGA', I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GOT LOCKED UP. 272 00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,174 I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GOT STABBED." 273 00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:01,766 "I WAS WITH YOU WHEN YOU WRECKED YOUR CAR." 274 00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:05,467 I SAY, "YOU RIGHT. YOUR ASS IS BAD LUCK. 275 00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:09,627 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 276 00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:15,003 EVERY TIME YOU AROUND, SOME BULLSHIT HAPPEN TO MY ASS." 277 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,430 "WAS FINE WHEN I MET YOU. 278 00:11:16,433 --> 00:11:20,303 NOW, MY ASS WALK WITH A LIMP AND GOT A SUSPENDED LICENSE." 279 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,200 [ LAUGHTER ] 280 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,800 YOU EVER DROVE ON SUSPENDED LICENSE SO LONG, 281 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,600 YOU FORGOT IT WAS SUSPENDED? 282 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,230 CAN'T -- CAN'T PLAY THAT SHIT OUT HERE, LA, 283 00:11:30,233 --> 00:11:33,573 BECAUSE LAPD DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT. 284 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:34,627 I AIN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING. 285 00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:37,373 I JUST GOT A DUI. 286 00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:41,267 LITTLE SUCKERS ON THE BICYCLE GOT ME. 287 00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:43,496 [ LAUGHTER ] 288 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,270 Y'ALL SEEN THE POLICE ON THE BICYCLE? 289 00:11:45,266 --> 00:11:46,466 - YEAH. 290 00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:47,897 - WHEN I FIRST SEEN HIM, I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 291 00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:52,270 IT'S ABOUT TO BE A HIGH-SPEED CHASE OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER." 292 00:11:52,266 --> 00:11:54,196 "I NEED AN OIL CHANGE BUT I CAN OUTRUN THIS HUFFY. 293 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,670 I CAN GET HIS ASS." 294 00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,197 "FUCK HE GOING TO DO IF HE DO LOCK ME UP? 295 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,200 PUT ME ON BACK OF THE BIKE?" 296 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,970 BE GOING TO JAIL LIKE, "THIS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE. 297 00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:09,067 TAKE ME TO JAIL LIKE A MAN!" 298 00:12:09,066 --> 00:12:10,826 [ LAUGHTER ] 299 00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:12,104 MOTHERFUCKER DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SIREN. 300 00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,600 THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAD A LITTLE BELL ON HIS SHIT LIKE, 301 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,430 "RING, RING, RING, RING." 302 00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:16,403 THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME. 303 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,500 I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK. 304 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,400 I LOOKED. 305 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,630 I'M THINKING I'M A GET A NUTTY BUTTY. 306 00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:24,673 I DONE CAUGHT A FELONY OUT THIS BITCH. 307 00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:25,697 IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT. 308 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:26,770 YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW. 309 00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:27,997 CLAP FOR THAT! 310 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,900 WHEW! OW! 311 00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,730 YOU EVEN KNOW YOU NOT COMING BACK TO WORK THE NEXT DAY, 312 00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,174 BUT DON'T NOBODY ELSE KNOW THAT SHIT? 313 00:12:37,166 --> 00:12:38,766 [ LAUGHTER ] 314 00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:40,067 THEY BE LIKE, "SEE YOU TOMORROW, ALEX." 315 00:12:40,066 --> 00:12:43,096 YOU BE LIKE, "YOU THINK SO, BITCH?" 316 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,200 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 317 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,730 GOT MY BAGS PACKED TO HIT MOTHERFUCKIN' 95 RIGHT NOW. 318 00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,004 I USED TO WORK AT THE HOSPITAL. 319 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,170 YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL IN SICK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER. 320 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,466 THEY BE LIKE, "WELL, COME ON IN. 321 00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,967 WE CHECK YOU OUT." 322 00:12:56,967 --> 00:13:01,867 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 323 00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:06,797 I JUST BE LIKE, "FUCK YOU, BITCH." 324 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,900 I GOT SO FUCKED UP ONE TIME, 325 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,970 I CALLED IN ON THE WRONG DAY ONE DAY." 326 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:12,027 I CALL IN. 327 00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:13,073 I WAS JUST MAKING UP SHIT LIKE MY STOMACH ACHE, 328 00:13:13,066 --> 00:13:14,796 I GOT A HEADACHE. 329 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,400 LITTLE GIRL TOLD ME, "ALEX, THIS SUNDAY." 330 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,500 "OH, WELL, BITCH, I CALL YOU TOMORROW THEN, FUCK IT." 331 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,630 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 332 00:13:24,633 --> 00:13:25,673 I USED TO LIKE WORKING ON THE AMBULANCE 333 00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:26,627 BECAUSE THAT'S SOME FUN SHIT. 334 00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:28,233 YOU CAN NOSY AS A MOTHERFUCKER. 335 00:13:28,233 --> 00:13:29,733 MOTHERFUCKER PASS OUT IN HIS KITCHEN. 336 00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,034 I BE ALL IN HIS BASEMENT LIKE, 337 00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:33,203 "THIS IS NICE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 338 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,230 WHEW!" 339 00:13:34,233 --> 00:13:35,633 THEY CAME IN THE BEDROOM ONE TIME. 340 00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:36,903 HE WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS ME. 341 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,070 I WAS TRYING ON A SWEAT SUIT AND SHIT. 342 00:13:40,066 --> 00:13:42,666 AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU LIVING NEXT DOOR TO, MAN. 343 00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,727 YOU NEVER KNOW. 344 00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:45,004 PEOPLE BE DOING FREAKY SHIT. 345 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,370 YOU WON'T NEVER KNOW TILL YOU SHOW UP UNEXPECTED. 346 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:48,897 ONE DUDE, I GUESS IT WAS HIS ANNIVERSARY. 347 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,770 HIM AND HIS OLD LADY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FREAKY. 348 00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,797 HE CAUGHT HIMSELF, GONNA JUMP OFF THE DRESSER 349 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,930 AND JUMP TOO FAR AND HIT HIS HEAD ON THE HEADBOARD. 350 00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:58,274 WE COME RUNNING IN WITH THE PARAMEDICS. 351 00:13:58,266 --> 00:13:59,426 HE LAYING THERE, BUTT NAKED, 352 00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:03,173 WITH A LITTLE SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK. 353 00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:04,366 KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, 354 00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,997 BUTT NAKED WITH A SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK. 355 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,400 SOME LITTLE SUPERMAN DRAWERS ON, 356 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,730 ONE BALL HANGING OUT THE SIDE. 357 00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:12,474 HE LAID THE FUCK OUT. 358 00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:15,167 THEY LOOK AT HIM. HE TALKING ABOUT, "DO CPR!" 359 00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:16,226 I SAID, "YOU BETTER PUT THEM BALLS AWAY. 360 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,273 I TELL YOU THAT." 361 00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:18,266 THAT'S MY TIME, Y'ALL. 362 00:14:18,266 --> 00:14:20,896 ALEX SCOTT. 363 00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:26,570 ♪ 364 00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:28,667 - THAT MY MAN, ALEX SCOTT, VERY FUNNY CAT. 365 00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,797 IT REALLY WAS AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW WOMEN GET DRUNK. 366 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:31,800 WHEN YOU -- WHEN YOU FUCKED UP, 367 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,030 YOU EVER BEEN SO FUCKED UP 368 00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:37,333 YOU AT A STOP SIGN WAITING FOR IT TO TURN GREEN? 369 00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:38,473 I'M ABOUT TO RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 370 00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:40,997 EVERYBODY -- EVERYBODY GOT TO GO BUT ME. 371 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:41,970 THIS SOME BULLSHIT. 372 00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:44,067 I GOT TO GO, FUCK THIS. 373 00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:45,126 AND WHEN YOU FUCKED UP, 374 00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:46,233 DON'T EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE A POLICE CAR? 375 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,833 "OH, SHIT!" 376 00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:51,034 "THERE GO THE POLICE. 377 00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:55,203 HEY, BITCH, TAKE THAT SKI RACK OFF YOUR CAR. 378 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,300 YOU DONE MADE ME PULL OUT A BAG OF WEED FUCKIN' WITH YOU." 379 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,400 WHEN YOU REAL FUCKED UP, 380 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,570 YOU PAY ATTENTION TO TRAFFIC LAWS 381 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,627 YOU AIN'T NEVER PAID NO FUCKIN' MIND TO. 382 00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:06,633 STOP 20 FEET BEFORE THE LIGHT. 383 00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,203 PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON. [ LAUGHS ] 384 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,030 YOU GOT A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR THAT'S SEATED NEXT TO YOU 385 00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,433 SO YOU PUT A SEATBELT ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER, TOO. 386 00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:16,373 "IF THEY STOP US, ACT LIKE WE AIN'T TOGETHER, HEAR?" 387 00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:17,697 ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT COMEDIAN, 388 00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:18,930 I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR A SHORT TIME 389 00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:21,634 BUT HE IS ONE OF THE BADDEST YOUNG CATS WORKING. 390 00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:22,833 ALL THE WAY FROM HOUSTON, 391 00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:27,774 PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY MAN, ALI. 392 00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:33,697 ♪ 393 00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:38,403 - WHAT'S UP, LA? 394 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,230 [ APPLAUSE ] 395 00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:41,273 WHERE ARE ALL MY PARENTS AT? 396 00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:45,026 PARENTS, MAKE SOME NOISE. 397 00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,803 Y'ALL CAN STOP. 398 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:51,500 YOU AND YOUR KIDS ARE NOT FRIENDS. 399 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,530 BLACK FOLK, YOU AIN'T GOT TO CLAP. 400 00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:53,903 I'M NOT TALKING TO Y'ALL. 401 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:57,630 Y'ALL KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO. 402 00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:02,603 'CAUSE I RULE MY HOUSE WITH FEAR AND TERROR. 403 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,230 I HAVE A DAUGHTER, SHE EIGHT. 404 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:05,473 SHE WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE, 405 00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:06,797 I JUST JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE AND JUST CHOKE HER. 406 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,000 "HEY! YOUR DADDY DON'T PLAY!" 407 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,770 AND LET HER GO. 408 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:13,697 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 409 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,730 SHE GO OUTSIDE, SOMEBODY ASK HER SOMETHING, 410 00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:16,804 "HEY, YOU WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE?" 411 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,470 "NO, YOU KNOW MY DADDY DON'T PLAY." 412 00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:22,597 WHITE FOLKS IS CRAZY WITH THEIR KIDS. 413 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:23,730 YOU SEE THEM, BLACK FOLK, 414 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,574 KIDS JUST RUNNING ALL THROUGH THE GROCERY STORE, 415 00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,667 TEARING UP EVERYTHING. 416 00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:29,097 Y'ALL GOT TO HELP THEM. 417 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:34,170 WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY ON AISLE 3 RUNNING, 418 00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:39,026 KNOCKING EVERYTHING DOWN, YOU GOT TO TRIP LITTLE TIMMY -- 419 00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:40,773 FOR HIS MOMMA. 420 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,497 "YOUR BABY FELL." 421 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,670 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 422 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,297 WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY ON AISLE 5 423 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,770 CUSSING HIS MOMMA OUT, TAKE A BAG OF RICE 424 00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:52,967 AND FAST PISTOL WHIP HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD. 425 00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:54,597 AND WALK PAST HIM. 426 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,400 "YOUR BABY FELL." 427 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,900 [ LAUGHTER ] 428 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,030 WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY AT THE CHECKOUT LINE 429 00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,003 ACTING A FOOL, 430 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,730 TAKE YOUR BASKET AND HIT HIS ACHILLES HEEL -- 431 00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:09,134 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T THINK WHEN YOU -- 432 00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,903 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 433 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,130 "YOUR BABY FELL." 434 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,633 YOU EVER HIT YOUR MOMMA HEEL WITH THAT BASKET, 435 00:17:16,633 --> 00:17:19,973 AND SHE -- AND SHE ALMOST FORGOT THAT YOU WAS HER CHILD. 436 00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,467 YOU -- YOU RODE -- YOU HIT HER -- 437 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,397 "HEY, HEY! I'M YOURS. I'M YOURS." 438 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,130 "I AM YOURS." 439 00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:27,603 YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO COME BY HER NO MORE 440 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,100 WITH THE BASKET. 441 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,830 YOU WAY OVER HERE. 442 00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,204 "BOY, COME GET THIS RICE!" 443 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,800 "NO, THROW IT." 444 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,200 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 445 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,800 BECAUSE YOU IS IGNORANT. 446 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,600 [ LAUGHTER ] 447 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,270 YOU GOT TO HELP THEM. 448 00:17:45,266 --> 00:17:48,066 NOW, PARENTS, DO NOT BEAT YOUR KIDS 449 00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,766 FOR THINGS THAT THEY SEE YOU DO. 450 00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:55,167 MY DAUGHTER CURSE BECAUSE I CURSE. 451 00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:57,926 SHE DON'T CURSE BAD, DON'T JUDGE MY BABY. 452 00:17:57,934 --> 00:17:59,774 [ LAUGHTER ] 453 00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:02,927 HER WORD IS FUNKY ASS. 454 00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:04,834 AND YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING HAPPEN TO YOU 455 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,534 UNTIL YOUR CHILD CALL YOU FUNKY ASS. 456 00:18:08,533 --> 00:18:10,133 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 457 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,433 I'M DOWNSTAIRS IN MY HOUSE, SHE UPSTAIRS. 458 00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:15,633 I HEARD HER CALL MY NAME. "DADDY!" 459 00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:17,803 I'M ON THE PHONE, THOUGH, DOING SOME BUSINESS I'M -- 460 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,430 SHE -- SHE DON'T KNOW. 461 00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,373 "DADDY!" 462 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,567 SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING SO I AIN'T ANSWER. 463 00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:26,427 SHE CAME DOWN THE STEP, [ STOMPING FEET ] 464 00:18:26,433 --> 00:18:30,933 "HEY! YOUR FUNKY ASS DIDN'T HEAR ME CALL YOU? 465 00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:36,874 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 466 00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,467 I SAY, "MAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 467 00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:41,267 "SEE, I CAN'T REMEMBER. SHIT!" 468 00:18:41,266 --> 00:18:43,626 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 469 00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:46,503 BUT YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM WHO THEY CAN SAY IT TO, 470 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,130 AND WHO THEY CAN'T SAY IT TO. 471 00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,473 SHE CALL MY MOMMA FUNKY ASS ONE TIME. 472 00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:55,927 IT GET WORSE -- IT GET WORSE. 473 00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:58,674 WE WAS IN CHURCH. 474 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:02,067 DON'T JUDGE MY BABY BECAUSE SHE A GOOD KID. 475 00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:03,966 JUST LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY. 476 00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:08,327 THIS ME, MY MOMMA, MY BABY. 477 00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:10,273 WE IN CHURCH, THE PASTOR TALKING. 478 00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:13,426 MY BABY SAID IT REAL NICE, "GRANDMA." 479 00:19:13,433 --> 00:19:17,103 MY MOM SAY, "SSHH, THE PASTOR'S TALKING." 480 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,570 SO YOU KNOW YOUR KIDS. 481 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,427 MY DAUGHTER HAD AN ATTITUDE ON HER FACE LIKE, 482 00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:23,873 "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHO'S TALKING. 483 00:19:23,867 --> 00:19:26,027 YOU MY GRANDMAMMA. WHEN I CALL, YOU ANSWER." 484 00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:28,303 SHE SAY -- NOW SHE SAY IT WITH AN ATTITUDE, 485 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,530 "GRANDMAMMA -- 486 00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:33,503 MY MOMMA SAY, "SSHH, THE PASTOR'S TALKING." 487 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,870 MY LITTLE GIRL SAID, "OH, SO YOUR FUNKY ASS CAN'T TALK TO ME 488 00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,267 BECAUSE THE PASTOR'S TALKING?" 489 00:19:38,266 --> 00:19:40,226 SO I JUMPED IN BETWEEN THEM. 490 00:19:40,233 --> 00:19:44,173 MY LITTLE GIRL TALKING ABOUT, "LET HER GO! LET HER GO!" 491 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:47,926 I SAY, "NOW, SHE USE TO WHOOP MY ASS. NO." 492 00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,774 SO I TOOK HER OUTSIDE, BUT YOUR KIDS ARE SMART. 493 00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:54,297 I SAY, "JANE, LISTEN, YOU CAN'T SAY FUNKY ASS." 494 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,670 SHE SAY, "WHY, DADDY? YOU SAY FUNKY ASS." 495 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:56,797 I SAID, "YOU DON'T DO WHAT I DO. 496 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,370 YOU DO WHAT I SAY!" 497 00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,797 SO SHE THOUGHT FOR A COUPLE OF A SECONDS, 498 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,270 AND SHE SAID, "AND YOU SAY FUNKY ASS!" 499 00:20:04,266 --> 00:20:07,826 AND RIGHT THEN, I SAY, "NO MORE PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR HER." 500 00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,334 TOO SMART! 501 00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:13,103 [ LAUGHTER ] 502 00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,600 I'M A BLACK MAN. 503 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:15,930 I'M JEALOUS OF OTHER RACES. 504 00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:17,804 I'M NOT JEALOUS, I'M ENVIOUS. 505 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,300 I'M ENVIOUS BECAUSE THEY CAN DO THINGS 506 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,000 THAT I KNOW I'LL NEVER EXPERIENCE. 507 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,200 SPANISH PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE. 508 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,630 THAT'S -- THAT'S ENOUGH DAMN NOISE. 509 00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:30,333 WHEN THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY BROKE IN YOUR HOUSE? 510 00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,733 NEVER! 511 00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:36,204 BECAUSE SOMEBODY ALWAYS HOME AT SOMEBODY'S SPANISH HOUSE. 512 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,670 WHAT YOU GONNA DO? 513 00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:41,027 THEY GOING TO BREAK IN WHILE YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT THEM? 514 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:46,873 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 515 00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:47,867 WHITE FOLKS, HOW Y'ALL DOING? 516 00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:49,167 WHITE FOLKS, HOW Y'ALL DOING? 517 00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:50,466 SEE, LOOK AT THEM. MARVELOUS. 518 00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:52,197 STUPENDOUS. 519 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,700 WONDERFUL. 520 00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,770 BLACK FOLK, I AIN'T NEVER USE THEM WORDS 521 00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:57,567 PERTAINING TO MY FEELINGS. 522 00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:58,597 WONDERFUL. MARVELOUS. 523 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,200 NOTHING! 524 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,000 YOU KNOW, OUR FEELINGS ARE BASED ONLY IF WE CAN PAY A BILL OR NOT. 525 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,130 "WHAT'S UP, LARRY? HOW YOU DOING?" 526 00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,633 "SSHH --" 527 00:21:07,633 --> 00:21:14,033 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 528 00:21:14,033 --> 00:21:15,273 "IF I CAN GET THAT LIGHT BILL DOWN, 529 00:21:15,266 --> 00:21:19,096 I'LL BE DOING ALRIGHT." 530 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:20,470 BECAUSE THAT'S ALL WE GOING TO EVER DO 531 00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,827 SOMETIME IS, ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE WE RETARDED. 532 00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:26,974 BLACK FOLK, STOP GOING ON "FAMILY FEUD". 533 00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:28,867 'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY THEY SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE, 534 00:21:28,867 --> 00:21:32,627 THEY NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE. 535 00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:36,303 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 536 00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:39,530 THAT'S WHY YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BLACK FAMILY -- 537 00:21:39,533 --> 00:21:43,633 WELL, I WATCH EVERYDAY JUST TO SEE IF SOMEBODY BLACK 538 00:21:43,633 --> 00:21:45,603 GOING TO WIN ONE TIME. 539 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,970 I ALMOST THOUGHT THE JOHNSONS WERE GOING TO WIN YESTERDAY. 540 00:21:47,967 --> 00:21:49,367 OOH, I WAS THERE. 541 00:21:49,367 --> 00:21:50,627 I SAID, "OOH, 542 00:21:50,633 --> 00:21:52,003 [ INDISTINCT ] 543 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,530 AND THE MAN CAME OUT WITH A TRICK QUESTION. 544 00:21:54,533 --> 00:22:00,403 HE SAY, "NAME A POPULAR FLAVOR OF KOOL-AID." 545 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:05,170 AND I SAT IN FRONT OF THIS TV AND PRAYED AND PRAYED, 546 00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:06,896 AND PRAYED AND PRAYED THAT THIS BLACK MAN 547 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,530 WOULDN'T BE A NIGGA' FOR JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS. 548 00:22:10,533 --> 00:22:12,273 JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS. 549 00:22:12,266 --> 00:22:15,066 HE HIT THAT BUZZER WITH ALL THE CONFIDENCE IN THE WORLD. 550 00:22:15,066 --> 00:22:17,966 [ SMACKING ] "RED!" 551 00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:19,927 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 552 00:22:19,934 --> 00:22:23,034 MY NAME ALI. Y'ALL BEEN GOOD. 553 00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:29,203 [ APPLAUSE ] 554 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:33,130 - WHAT'D I TELL YOU? MY MAN ALI. 555 00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:37,703 [ APPLAUSE ] 556 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:40,630 YOU MEAN RED AIN'T A FLAVOR? 557 00:22:40,633 --> 00:22:43,703 [ LAUGHTER ] 558 00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,770 I'M FUCKED UP. 559 00:22:46,767 --> 00:22:49,467 THIS NEXT CAT IS ONE OF THE PIONEERS OF HIP HOP COMEDY, 560 00:22:49,467 --> 00:22:52,497 A GIFTED IMPRESSIONIST AND A TRUE DEF JAM LEGEND. 561 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,300 ALL THE WAY FROM WASHINGTON DC, 562 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,200 THE MAYOR, MR. CHRIS THOMAS. 563 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:04,330 [ APPLAUSE ] 564 00:23:08,367 --> 00:23:11,097 - WHAZZUP? 565 00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:12,370 YOU DON'T MIND IF I TAKE A DRINK? 566 00:23:12,367 --> 00:23:16,127 I GOT BIG LIPS. 567 00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:17,703 I SAW THIS LITTLE WHITE GIRL THE OTHER DAY. 568 00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:18,870 SHE SAY, "YOU HAVE SOME BIG LIPS. 569 00:23:18,867 --> 00:23:20,497 I WISH I HAD LIPS LIKE YOURS." 570 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:24,370 I SAID, "BITCH, HOLD STILL." 571 00:23:24,367 --> 00:23:30,467 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 572 00:23:32,867 --> 00:23:35,197 I LIKE COMING TO LA. 573 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,570 I LIKE GOING TO CRENSHAW. 574 00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:41,297 I WENT TO STRIP CLUB LAST NIGHT CALLED "FIRST KINGS". 575 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:44,900 OH, YEAH, THAT'S LIKE THAT LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL. 576 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:47,270 $75, THEY DO IT ALL. 577 00:23:47,266 --> 00:23:49,096 WENT IN THERE, THEY HAD A YOUNG LADY -- 578 00:23:49,100 --> 00:23:50,400 FIRST DANCE I'VE EVER SEEN -- 579 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,570 HAD MOLES ALL OVER HER BODY, FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOE. 580 00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:55,897 WHEN THEY BROUGHT HER OUT, THEY SAY, "HERE SHE IS. 581 00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,270 CHOCOLATE CHIP." 582 00:23:58,266 --> 00:24:04,266 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 583 00:24:09,033 --> 00:24:10,133 CHOCOLATE CHIP SAID, 584 00:24:10,133 --> 00:24:11,603 "I'M A DO SOMETHING NASTY FOR YOU. 585 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,630 COME ON IN THE VIP ROOM." 586 00:24:13,633 --> 00:24:14,933 WENT INTO THE VIP ROOM. 587 00:24:14,934 --> 00:24:17,274 SHE SAID, "TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF." 588 00:24:17,266 --> 00:24:19,226 SHE LICKED ME DOWN MY BACK, BETWEEN MY ASS, 589 00:24:19,233 --> 00:24:20,303 AROUND MY BALLS, 590 00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:24,470 CAME UP AND KISSED ME IN MY MOUTH. 591 00:24:24,467 --> 00:24:26,127 I LOOKED AT CHOCOLATE CHIP. 592 00:24:26,133 --> 00:24:31,733 I SAID, "CHOCOLATE CHIP, DO IT AGAIN." 593 00:24:31,734 --> 00:24:37,674 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 594 00:24:40,834 --> 00:24:42,334 THEY HAD A OLD DANCER IN THERE, TOO. 595 00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:43,803 SHE WAS OLD. 596 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:48,670 I MEAN, HER DANCE NAME WAS "CENTURY", YOU KNOW. 597 00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:51,297 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 598 00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:52,730 SHE -- SHE GOT TO DANCING IN FRONT OF ME. 599 00:24:52,734 --> 00:24:57,134 I'VE NEVER SEEN NO GREY HAIR ON NO VAGINA BEFORE, RIGHT. 600 00:24:57,133 --> 00:24:58,303 [ LAUGHTER ] 601 00:24:58,300 --> 00:24:59,370 I WAS TRYING TO TELL HER -- I SAID, "YOU -- 602 00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:02,997 YOU GOT A LOT OF LINT, A LOT OF LINT." 603 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:07,600 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 604 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,730 SHE SAID, "THAT AIN'T NO LINT." 605 00:25:08,734 --> 00:25:12,104 AND I SAID, "WELL, TELL ME IT'S BABY POWDER. 606 00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,970 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 607 00:25:13,967 --> 00:25:15,167 I LIKE LA. I WENT -- YOU KNOW, 608 00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,896 I WENT TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY. 609 00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:18,030 YOU KNOW, BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE, 610 00:25:18,033 --> 00:25:19,333 CHINESE -- WE ALL MIXING UP. 611 00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:20,933 WENT TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY. 612 00:25:20,934 --> 00:25:23,534 GOT A -- THE MAMA WAS CHINESE, THE FATHER WAS BLACK. 613 00:25:23,533 --> 00:25:28,603 MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE RESTAURANT CALLED "SO WHAT CHINESE FOOD". 614 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:29,770 I'M IN THERE EATING. 615 00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:31,127 LIKE ME AND D.L., WE DONE WENT OUT AND ATE BEFORE. 616 00:25:31,133 --> 00:25:32,133 ME AND BERNIE MAC WAS OUT. 617 00:25:32,133 --> 00:25:33,203 WE WAS SITTING THERE EATING, 618 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,700 AND WE GOT TO SITTING THERE TALKING. 619 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,030 AND BERNIE WAS SAYING, "CHRIS, THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE FOOD 620 00:25:37,033 --> 00:25:39,103 IS GOOD AS A MOTHERFUCK." 621 00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:40,570 I SAID, "IT IS." 622 00:25:40,567 --> 00:25:41,897 I SAID, "OPEN YOUR FORTUNE COOKIE." 623 00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:44,230 HE TOOK HIS FORTUNE COOKIE OUT. 624 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:52,967 HE OPENED HIS FORTUNE COOKIE, 625 00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:53,967 I SAID, "WHAT IT SAY?" 626 00:25:53,967 --> 00:25:56,097 HE SAID, "OH, FUCK NO. 627 00:25:56,100 --> 00:26:00,400 THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE. 628 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:05,800 MY FORTUNE COOKIE SAY, GET YOUR MONEY, MOTHERFUCKER." 629 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,330 I SAID, "WHAT YOUR -- WHAT IS YOUR LOTTERY NUMBER?" 630 00:26:07,333 --> 00:26:11,033 HE SAID, "I PLAYED IT MY MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF." 631 00:26:11,033 --> 00:26:13,073 I SAID, "AIN'T THAT A BITCH?" 632 00:26:13,066 --> 00:26:15,896 THEN ONE DAY, I TOOK MIKE TYSON TO THE SAME RESTAURANT. 633 00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,930 MIKE TYSON WAS READING HIS FORTUNE COOKIE. 634 00:26:17,934 --> 00:26:19,034 I SAID, "MIKE, WHAT'D IT SAY?" 635 00:26:19,033 --> 00:26:22,273 HE SAY, "YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. 636 00:26:22,266 --> 00:26:25,366 IT SAYS, BITE RIGHT INTO IT." 637 00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:29,767 [ LAUGHTER ] 638 00:26:29,767 --> 00:26:30,867 TOOK JESSIE JACKSON. 639 00:26:30,867 --> 00:26:32,467 I SAID, "JESSIE, WHAT DID YOURS SAID?" 640 00:26:32,467 --> 00:26:37,197 "MINE SAID, 'I HAVE A BABY, TOO.'" 641 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,830 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 642 00:26:40,834 --> 00:26:42,104 ALL THE BIG GIRLS, 643 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,170 LET ME HEAR YOU SAY "CHICKEN WINGS". 644 00:26:44,166 --> 00:26:45,166 [ CROWD SAYING "CHICKEN WINGS" ] 645 00:26:45,166 --> 00:26:46,166 I LIKE THEM BIG WOMEN. 646 00:26:46,166 --> 00:26:47,566 YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE BIG WOMEN? 647 00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:48,797 IT'S BECAUSE BIG WOMEN, WHEN THEY TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF, 648 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,570 ALL YOU HEAR IS THAT MUSIC FROM JACK IN THE BOX. 649 00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:53,397 TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, BABY. 650 00:26:53,400 --> 00:27:00,030 [ SINGING JACK IN THE BOX TUNE ] 651 00:27:00,033 --> 00:27:05,273 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 652 00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:13,167 MY NAME IS CHRIS THOMAS. THANK YOU! 653 00:27:13,166 --> 00:27:19,196 [ APPLAUSE ] 654 00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:26,130 - ONE MORE TIME, MY MAN CHRIS THOMAS. 655 00:27:26,133 --> 00:27:27,373 ALL RIGHT. 656 00:27:27,367 --> 00:27:29,167 AND NOW FOR THE MAN WHO MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE, 657 00:27:29,166 --> 00:27:30,126 PAYS ALL THE BILLS. 658 00:27:30,133 --> 00:27:33,603 GIVE IT UP FOR RUSSELL SIMMONS. 659 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,900 [ APPLAUSE ] 660 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:37,900 - THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. 661 00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:39,870 GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 662 00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:45,567 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 663 00:27:45,567 --> 00:27:49,767 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 664 00:27:49,817 --> 00:27:54,367 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 47748

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