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1
00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:15,973
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
2
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,470
- HOW YOU ALL DOING?
3
00:00:21,467 --> 00:00:24,397
WHEN I SAY "HEY",
YOU SAY, "HO".
4
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,630
-- HEY
-- HO
5
00:00:25,633 --> 00:00:26,833
- HEY
- HO
6
00:00:26,834 --> 00:00:29,204
- WHEN I SAY "WANT SOME",
YOU SAY "MO'".
7
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,570
-- WANT SOME
- MO'.
8
00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:31,967
-- WANT SOME
- MO'
9
00:00:31,967 --> 00:00:33,927
- MO -- MORE?
10
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:37,304
ALL RIGHT.
WANT SOME MORE.
11
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:39,570
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
12
00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,967
YEAH.
13
00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:45,067
BOY, YOU REALLY DO IT.
SON OF A BITCH.
14
00:00:45,066 --> 00:00:50,366
[ LAUGHS ]
SON OF A BITCH.
15
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,397
IT'S GOOD TO SEE
WHITE PEOPLE
16
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,170
SMILING AND EVERYTHING,
IT'S COOL.
17
00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:54,166
GIVE IT UP FOR
THE WHITE PEOPLE.
18
00:00:54,166 --> 00:00:57,766
YOU ALL BRAVE
MOTHERFUCKERS.
19
00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,427
I JUST GOT BACK
FROM AFRICA.
20
00:01:00,433 --> 00:01:02,403
GIVE IT UP, BABY.
21
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,170
GIVE IT UP, BABY,
COME ON NOW.
22
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:09,496
GIVE IT UP.
GIVE IT UP.
23
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:16,270
[ BEAT BOXING ]
24
00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:19,996
[ CLAPPING ]
25
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,400
AND THAT'S JUST
IN THE AIRPORT.
26
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,030
AFRICA, MAN.
AFRICA.
27
00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,573
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S CRAZY
BECAUSE OVER IN AFRICA,
28
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,497
THEY GOT DRIVE-BYS NOW.
29
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,500
AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?
DRIVE-BYS IN AFRICA.
30
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,570
AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?
31
00:01:32,567 --> 00:01:33,667
ONLY THEY DO IT
DIFFERENT OVER THERE.
32
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:37,127
THEY BE LIKE -- VROOM --
[ BLOW DART SOUND ]
33
00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:39,703
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
34
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:43,130
DID WE GET HIM?
35
00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:44,673
♪
36
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:45,767
- DEF COMEDY JAM.
37
00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:48,697
IT'S THE RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM
38
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:53,770
WITH YOUR HOST
D.L. HUGHLEY!
39
00:01:53,767 --> 00:01:56,967
TONIGHT'S GUESTS,
MARCUS COMBS --
40
00:01:56,967 --> 00:01:59,167
ALEX SCOTT --
41
00:01:59,166 --> 00:02:01,696
ALI --
42
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:04,400
AND CHRIS THOMAS.
43
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,600
I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY,
44
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,730
THE KID CAPRI.
45
00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:10,834
AND THIS IS COMEDY
AT ITS BEST.
46
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:17,534
SO LET'S GET IT ON
WITH YOUR HOST, D.L. HUGHLEY!
47
00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:21,203
[ APPLAUSE ]
48
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,730
- HEY, NOW.
HOW Y'ALL?
49
00:02:22,734 --> 00:02:27,004
ONE MORE TIME,
MY MAN KID CAPRI!
50
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,470
[ APPLAUSE ]
51
00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:31,067
YOU KNOW ALL THE SHIT
THAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS.
52
00:02:31,066 --> 00:02:32,866
REMEMBER THAT GAY SENATOR
FROM IDAHO?
53
00:02:32,867 --> 00:02:33,967
THIS MOTHER FUCKER IS --
54
00:02:33,967 --> 00:02:37,127
IS TRYING TO GET
SOME ASS IN A BATHROOM.
55
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,833
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
56
00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:40,174
YOU EVER BEEN
TO A MEN'S BATHROOM?
57
00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:41,466
THAT SHIT IS NASTY.
58
00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:42,967
I DON'T EVEN PUT
MY FUCKIN' LUGGAGE
59
00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:44,297
DOWN ON
THE GODDAMN FLOOR.
60
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,370
YOU EVER BEEN
TO THE BATHROOM
61
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,597
SO FUCKED UP
YOU JUST SHIT ON YOURSELF?
62
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,870
NAH, I'M GONNA GET THIS
WHEN I GET HOME, FUCK YOU.
63
00:02:49,867 --> 00:02:51,297
AND THEY TAP
THEIR FEET ON THE FLOOR.
64
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,700
THAT'S THE SYMBOL
FOR GAY SEX.
65
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:55,230
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT.
[ LAUGHS ]
66
00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:59,233
I'LL NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM
WITH AN IPOD AGAIN, FUCK YOU.
67
00:02:59,233 --> 00:03:01,033
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
68
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:02,573
"ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?"
69
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:04,497
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER,
I WAS LISTENING TO THE NEW KANYE JOINT.
70
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,800
GET AWAY FROM ME!"
71
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,700
AND WHEN YOU TAP
YOUR FOOT ON THE GROUND, WHAT HAPPEN?
72
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:12,630
DO A DICK FALL OUT
OF THE CEILING OR --
73
00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:14,003
THAT SHIT
WAS ALL ON THE NEWS.
74
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,100
YOU KNOW, ONE PERSON
WHO WAS HAPPY WAS MICHAEL VICK.
75
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:19,270
HE'S LIKE,
"SHIT, AT LEAST I AIN'T ON THE NEWS NO GODDAMN MORE."
76
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,596
"HEY, LOOK,
I MIGHT HAVE KILL SOME DOGS,
77
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,100
BUT I WASN'T TRYING
TO SUCK DICK IN A BATHROOM.
78
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:25,370
THAT'S ALL THE FUCK
I'M SAYING."
79
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,667
I DONE -- MICHAEL VICK
CATCHING HELL, MAN.
80
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:27,697
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
81
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:28,870
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS,
82
00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:31,227
THEY SAY HE KILLED DOGS
BECAUSE THEY LOST.
83
00:03:31,233 --> 00:03:32,503
AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER
PLAYED FOR THE FALCONS.
84
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,470
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
85
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:40,127
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
86
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:43,173
YOU KNOW,
IT'S FUCKIN' TRUE.
87
00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:44,266
YOU KNOW THE DOGS,
IF THEY COULD TALK,
88
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,266
THEY'D HAVE TALK SOME SHIT.
89
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,126
"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER,
I LOST THE GAME,
90
00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,433
BUT YOU JUST LOST TO
THE RAIDERS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
91
00:03:49,433 --> 00:03:53,073
WHAT THE FUCK?
92
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,926
YOU KNOW THE RAIDERS
CAN'T PLAY NO FUCKIN' FOOTBALL.
93
00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:57,774
THEY DON'T EVEN DO THE SPORTS
REPORT FOR THE RAIDERS.
94
00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:01,027
THEY JUST COME IN,
"Y'ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."
95
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,103
AND IN OTHER NEWS --
[ LAUGHS ]
96
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,770
Y'ALL READY TO KICK
THIS THING OFF?
97
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,067
- YEAH!
98
00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:08,496
[ APPLAUSE ]
99
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,700
- THIS MAN RIGHT HERE
HAILS FROM THE WINDY CITY.
100
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:15,570
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN,
MARCUS COMBS.
101
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:19,567
[ APPLAUSE ]
102
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:21,527
- THAT'S MY SHIT
RIGHT THERE.
103
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:25,603
HOW MANY OF Y'ALL
EVER RODE A SKATEBOARD?
104
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,670
LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW I USE TO RIDE.
105
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:27,767
MY MOMMA WOULD
SEND ME TO THE STORE --
106
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:31,227
LET ME SHOW HOW
I USED TO RIDE MY SHIT.
107
00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:34,233
I GOT HEADPHONES IN MY EAR,
GOT MY MUSIC,
108
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:38,003
PULL UP TO A KIND OF
GIRL I LIKED --
109
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,530
[ LAUGHTER ]
110
00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:41,433
WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
111
00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,703
OH, YOU DON'T WANT
TO HOLLER AT ME?
112
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,270
WELL, FUCK YOU THEN.
113
00:04:45,266 --> 00:04:47,266
THE ONE DAY I WAS IN LA,
SEE SOME GUYS IN RED.
114
00:04:47,266 --> 00:04:48,396
I THOUGHT THEY WAS CRIPS.
115
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,800
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT UP, CUZ?"
116
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,100
OH, YOU ALL AIN'T CRIPS?
117
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:58,630
OH, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
AIN'T CRIPS.
118
00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:01,773
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
119
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,627
WHAT'S UP, LA?
120
00:05:04,633 --> 00:05:06,403
[ APPLAUSE ]
121
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,970
LOOK AT ALL THESE PRETTY
MOTHERFUCKERS IN HERE, SHIT.
122
00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,927
GOT THEIR TOES DID.
123
00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:14,004
WENT TO
THE CHINESE PEOPLE, DIDN'T YOU?
124
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,930
THEY GOT GOOD SERVICE IN
THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DON'T THEY?
125
00:05:15,934 --> 00:05:18,474
THEY GOT FIVE PEOPLE
ON FEET AND NAILS,
126
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:19,797
ONE MOTHERFUCKER
COLLECTING MONEY.
127
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,670
HE GAY AND THE OWNER.
128
00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:23,067
THEN THEY GOT THE LADY
WHO GREETS YOU.
129
00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:25,426
"MANICURE, PEDICURE?"
130
00:05:25,433 --> 00:05:26,433
"COME ON!
COME ON!
131
00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:27,733
COME ON!
SIT HERE.
132
00:05:27,734 --> 00:05:28,774
TAKE YOUR SHOES
AND SOCKS OFF.
133
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:29,797
SOMEONE BE RIGHT THERE.
134
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:33,200
NEXT CUSTOMER,
MANICURE, PEDICURE?
135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,530
COME ON!
136
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,003
SIT HERE WITH THIS LADY, OKAY?
137
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,100
YOU GET TO KNOW
EACH OTHER."
138
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:39,130
[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]
WATCH THESE TWO BITCHES.
139
00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:42,733
"NEXT, MANICURE PEDICURE?"
140
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:46,004
"COME ON!
COME ON! COME ON!"
141
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,030
DON'T WALK IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER
JUST WANTING A MANICURE.
142
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:50,803
"MANICURE, PEDICURE?"
143
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,930
"NO, JUST THE MANICURE."
144
00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:55,634
"SIR, YOU SEE
ALL THE LADY HERE?
145
00:05:55,633 --> 00:05:58,933
"THEY WANT
MANICURE, PEDICURE.
146
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:00,004
WE'RE TOO BUSY,
GO DOWN THE STREET.
147
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,000
MY COUSIN
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
148
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,270
NEXT,
MANICURE, PEDICURE?"
149
00:06:05,266 --> 00:06:07,366
THEY BE WALKING AROUND ALL DAY
IF THEY AIN'T GOT NO CUSTOMERS.
150
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,167
[ SINGING ]
"MANICURE, PEDICURE?
151
00:06:11,166 --> 00:06:13,926
COME ON."
152
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:18,634
ANYBODY EVER SEEN
A CHINESE ON CRACK? ANYBODY?
153
00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:20,833
THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT,
TRUST ME.
154
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:23,774
YOU JUST CAN'T TELL BECAUSE
THEIR EYES AIN'T BIG AS OURS.
155
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:28,367
THEY SHIT BE LOW AS HELL
BUT THEY BE LAUGHING. [ LAUGHS ]
156
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:29,897
YOU'LL BE LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER,
YOU HIGH, AIN'T YOU?"
157
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,800
"NO." [ LAUGHS ]
158
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:32,800
"FUCK YOU KEEP
LAUGHING FOR?"
159
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,100
"DON'T PLAY, HURRY UP,
OKAY?
160
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:40,270
I SUPERMAN, YOU HO,
COME ON."
161
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,666
THEY SMOKE THAT CRACK,
THOUGH.
162
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,327
OH, THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT.
163
00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:45,403
AND THEIR COUNTRY
IS SO STRICT,
164
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,530
THAT'S WHY
THEY'RE ALL OVER HERE.
165
00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:48,273
THEY CAN GET AWAY
WITH A LOT OF SHIT.
166
00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:50,466
ONE OF THEM DECIDE
TO SMOKE CRACK IN THE HOUSE.
167
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:53,597
[ SPEAKING IN CHINESE ]
168
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:54,830
LITTLE NIECE WALK IN
AND CATCH HIM.
169
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,704
"I TELL ON YOU."
170
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:59,200
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK."
171
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,630
NEXT DAY, HIS ASS
BEING KICKED OUT.
172
00:07:01,633 --> 00:07:02,633
NOW SHE CRYING.
173
00:07:02,633 --> 00:07:08,233
"CHU SHANG! CHU SHANG.
174
00:07:08,233 --> 00:07:09,303
UNCLE WOO."
175
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,700
"WHAT?"
176
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:13,370
"WHY Y'ALL MAKE CHU SHANG
LEAVE?"
177
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,997
"FUCK CHU SHANG."
178
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,500
"CHU SHANG A JUNKIE.
179
00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:20,500
HE STOLE TEN DOLLAR
OUT MY WALLET.
180
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,130
FUCK CHU SHANG."
181
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:25,333
"CHU SHANG!"
182
00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:26,403
"WHAT?"
183
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,400
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"
184
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,400
"FUCK YOU.
185
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,630
I GOT TO AMERICA,
GET A NAIL SHOP.
186
00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:32,303
I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT!"
187
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:39,300
[ SINGING ]
188
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,500
"CHU SHANG!"
189
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:41,900
"WHAT?"
"I WORK FOR YOU."
190
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:44,270
"COME ON!
SWIM!"
191
00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:45,966
[ LAUGHTER ]
192
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:47,127
NOW THEY BALLING
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
193
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,733
[ PHONE RINGING ]
"HELLO, PRO NAILS."
194
00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:52,074
"UH, IS THIS CHU SHANG?"
195
00:07:52,066 --> 00:07:53,166
"YEAH, WHO IS THIS?"
196
00:07:53,166 --> 00:07:54,126
"THIS UNCLE WOO."
197
00:07:54,133 --> 00:07:55,933
"CAN'T TALK.
DOING FULL SET. BYE."
198
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,204
CLICK, NEXT.
199
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,200
MANICURE, PEDICURE?
200
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,670
SOME OF Y'ALL GOING
TO GET IN YOUR CAR TONIGHT.
201
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:04,627
SOON AS YOU START YOUR SHIT,
202
00:08:04,633 --> 00:08:05,773
IT'LL BE LIKE,
"BITCH! COME ON.
203
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,567
MANICURE, PEDICURE?"
204
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:09,867
SOMEBODY GONNA GO HOME
AND BE FUCKIN', BE LIKE,
205
00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:10,827
"OH, SHIT.
206
00:08:10,834 --> 00:08:12,474
OH, I'M ABOUT TO NUT,
OH, SHIT.
207
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:15,197
MANICURE, PEDICURE?"
208
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,500
AND SHE GOING TO BE LIKE,
CHU SHANG!
209
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:22,000
THANK YOU ALL,
MARCUS COMBS.
210
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:29,370
♪
211
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,497
- ONE MORE TIME
FOR MARCUS COMBS.
212
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,500
[ APPLAUSE ]
213
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,570
THIS NEXT GUY DEFINITELY KNOW
HOW TO WAKE UP AN AUDIENCE.
214
00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:39,627
FROM RICHMOND, VIRGINIA,
215
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:43,873
PUT THEM TOGETHER
FOR ALEX SCOTT.
216
00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:45,797
♪
217
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,570
[ APPLAUSE ]
218
00:08:47,567 --> 00:08:49,227
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, Y'ALL?
219
00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:53,173
MAN, YOU ALL GIVE IT UP
FOR D.L. HUGHLEY, MAN!
220
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:56,426
WHOA!
I'M AT THE DEF JAM, BOY.
221
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:58,273
MAN, I'M GOING TO DEDICATE
THIS TO MY GRANDMA, THOUGH.
222
00:08:58,266 --> 00:09:00,696
MAN, WE LOST HER
YESTERDAY, MAN.
223
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:03,730
WE FOUND HER.
224
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:08,804
[ LAUGHTER ]
225
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,230
SHE WALKING AROUND
NAKED.
226
00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,473
WOULD NOBODY GIVE HER
A RIDE HOME.
227
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,697
THAT'S WHAT'S FUCKED UP.
228
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:18,700
CAN'T NOBODY GIVE YOUR GRANDMA
A RIDE HOME NAKED.
229
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,070
SHE GET OUT, SAY SOME
ALL-CRAZY ALZHEIMER SHIT LIKE,
230
00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:24,166
"SUGAR, WE HAD A BALL
TODAY."
231
00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:25,826
[ LAUGHTER ]
232
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:27,074
YOU AND YOUR COUSINS
BE ON THE PORCH LIKE,
233
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,296
"THIS NIGGA' DONE FUCK
MY GRANDMOTHER."
234
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:32,300
"THIS NIGGA' DONE
FUCK MY GRANDMA.
235
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:33,930
I GOT TO KILL THEM,
I GOT TO KILL HIM!"
236
00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,334
DEF JAM!
237
00:09:35,333 --> 00:09:37,603
WHOA!
238
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,570
CAME OUT HERE FROM VA, BOY,
VIRGINIA, BOY.
239
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,727
ANYBODY FROM
THE EAST COAST?
240
00:09:42,734 --> 00:09:44,934
THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
241
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:47,574
WHERE I'M LIVING -- IT'S
COUNTRY WHERE I LIVE AT, DOG.
242
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:48,567
WE USE TO LIVE
SO FAR OUT OF TOWN,
243
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,027
ONE TIME MY UNCLE
FAKED A HEART ATTACK
244
00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:54,503
SO HE COULD GET THE AMBULANCE
TO GIVE HIM A RIDE TO TOWN.
245
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,800
I WAS SITTING IN THE
BASEMENT PLAYING PLAYSTATION.
246
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:56,830
HE GOING TO COME IN
TALKING ABOUT,
247
00:09:56,834 --> 00:09:59,804
"Y'ALL NEED ANYTHING
FROM THE STORE?
248
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:04,370
"I'M A CALL 911
IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
249
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:07,327
Y'ALL NEED TO LET ME KNOW
IF Y'ALL NEED SOMETHING."
250
00:10:07,333 --> 00:10:08,833
HE THE ONLY FOOL I KNOW
PICK AN OUTFIT OUT
251
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,834
BEFORE HE HAVE
A HEART ATTACK.
252
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:11,974
HE COMING IN --
253
00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,227
"YEAH, I'M A WEAR
THIS POLO SHIRT TONIGHT.
254
00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:15,673
WORE MY SILK SHIRT
LAST TIME.
255
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:19,827
THEY FUCKED IT UP
WITH THEIR ELECTRIC SHOCK."
256
00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:25,274
"LOOK LIKE AN IRON PRINT
ON FRONT OF MY SHIT."
257
00:10:25,266 --> 00:10:26,226
OH, MAN.
258
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,633
THE LADIES
LOOKING GOOD IN LA.
259
00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:31,803
FELLOWS,
GIVE IT UP FOR THEM, WHOA!
260
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:32,830
WHO'S SINGLE
IN THE HOUSE?
261
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:35,934
WHO'S SINGLE
IN THE HOUSE?
262
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,704
[ CHEERING ]
263
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:38,800
JUST GOT RID OF
A MOTHERFUCKER?
264
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,070
WHO JUST GOT RID OF
A MOTHERFUCKER?
265
00:10:42,066 --> 00:10:44,296
[ CHEERING ]
266
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:45,430
I JUST GOT RID
OF MY LITTLE CHICK.
267
00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:46,603
SHE WAS ONE OF THEM
LITTLE CHICKS, THOUGH,
268
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,300
SHE ALWAYS GOT TO TELL ME
HOW GOOD SHE IS TO ME.
269
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,330
YOU EVER HAD
ONE OF THEM PEOPLE
270
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:52,203
EVERYDAY GOT TO ITEMIZE
THE RELATIONSHIP.
271
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,830
"NIGGA', I WAS WITH YOU
WHEN YOU GOT LOCKED UP.
272
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,174
I WAS WITH YOU
WHEN YOU GOT STABBED."
273
00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:01,766
"I WAS WITH YOU
WHEN YOU WRECKED YOUR CAR."
274
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:05,467
I SAY, "YOU RIGHT.
YOUR ASS IS BAD LUCK.
275
00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:09,627
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
276
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:15,003
EVERY TIME YOU AROUND,
SOME BULLSHIT HAPPEN TO MY ASS."
277
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,430
"WAS FINE
WHEN I MET YOU.
278
00:11:16,433 --> 00:11:20,303
NOW, MY ASS WALK WITH A LIMP
AND GOT A SUSPENDED LICENSE."
279
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,200
[ LAUGHTER ]
280
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,800
YOU EVER DROVE ON
SUSPENDED LICENSE SO LONG,
281
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,600
YOU FORGOT
IT WAS SUSPENDED?
282
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,230
CAN'T -- CAN'T PLAY
THAT SHIT OUT HERE, LA,
283
00:11:30,233 --> 00:11:33,573
BECAUSE LAPD
DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.
284
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:34,627
I AIN'T EVEN SUPPOSED
TO BE DRINKING.
285
00:11:34,633 --> 00:11:37,373
I JUST GOT A DUI.
286
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:41,267
LITTLE SUCKERS
ON THE BICYCLE GOT ME.
287
00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:43,496
[ LAUGHTER ]
288
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,270
Y'ALL SEEN THE POLICE
ON THE BICYCLE?
289
00:11:45,266 --> 00:11:46,466
- YEAH.
290
00:11:46,467 --> 00:11:47,897
- WHEN I FIRST SEEN HIM,
I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
291
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:52,270
IT'S ABOUT TO BE A HIGH-SPEED
CHASE OUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER."
292
00:11:52,266 --> 00:11:54,196
"I NEED AN OIL CHANGE
BUT I CAN OUTRUN THIS HUFFY.
293
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,670
I CAN GET HIS ASS."
294
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,197
"FUCK HE GOING TO DO
IF HE DO LOCK ME UP?
295
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,200
PUT ME ON BACK
OF THE BIKE?"
296
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,970
BE GOING TO JAIL LIKE,
"THIS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE.
297
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:09,067
TAKE ME TO JAIL
LIKE A MAN!"
298
00:12:09,066 --> 00:12:10,826
[ LAUGHTER ]
299
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:12,104
MOTHERFUCKER
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SIREN.
300
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,600
THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAD
A LITTLE BELL ON HIS SHIT LIKE,
301
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,430
"RING, RING,
RING, RING."
302
00:12:15,433 --> 00:12:16,403
THAT'S HOW HE GOT ME.
303
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,500
I THOUGHT IT WAS
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.
304
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,400
I LOOKED.
305
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,630
I'M THINKING I'M
A GET A NUTTY BUTTY.
306
00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:24,673
I DONE CAUGHT A FELONY
OUT THIS BITCH.
307
00:12:24,667 --> 00:12:25,697
IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
308
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:26,770
YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO
TO WORK TOMORROW.
309
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:27,997
CLAP FOR THAT!
310
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,900
WHEW! OW!
311
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,730
YOU EVEN KNOW
YOU NOT COMING BACK TO WORK THE NEXT DAY,
312
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,174
BUT DON'T NOBODY ELSE
KNOW THAT SHIT?
313
00:12:37,166 --> 00:12:38,766
[ LAUGHTER ]
314
00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:40,067
THEY BE LIKE,
"SEE YOU TOMORROW, ALEX."
315
00:12:40,066 --> 00:12:43,096
YOU BE LIKE,
"YOU THINK SO, BITCH?"
316
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:45,200
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
317
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,730
GOT MY BAGS PACKED TO HIT
MOTHERFUCKIN' 95 RIGHT NOW.
318
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,004
I USED TO WORK
AT THE HOSPITAL.
319
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,170
YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL IN SICK
TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
320
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,466
THEY BE LIKE,
"WELL, COME ON IN.
321
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,967
WE CHECK YOU OUT."
322
00:12:56,967 --> 00:13:01,867
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
323
00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:06,797
I JUST BE LIKE,
"FUCK YOU, BITCH."
324
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,900
I GOT SO FUCKED UP
ONE TIME,
325
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,970
I CALLED IN
ON THE WRONG DAY ONE DAY."
326
00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:12,027
I CALL IN.
327
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:13,073
I WAS JUST MAKING UP SHIT
LIKE MY STOMACH ACHE,
328
00:13:13,066 --> 00:13:14,796
I GOT A HEADACHE.
329
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,400
LITTLE GIRL TOLD ME,
"ALEX, THIS SUNDAY."
330
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,500
"OH, WELL, BITCH, I CALL
YOU TOMORROW THEN, FUCK IT."
331
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,630
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
332
00:13:24,633 --> 00:13:25,673
I USED TO LIKE WORKING
ON THE AMBULANCE
333
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:26,627
BECAUSE THAT'S SOME FUN SHIT.
334
00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:28,233
YOU CAN NOSY
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.
335
00:13:28,233 --> 00:13:29,733
MOTHERFUCKER PASS OUT
IN HIS KITCHEN.
336
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:31,034
I BE ALL IN HIS BASEMENT
LIKE,
337
00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:33,203
"THIS IS NICE
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
338
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,230
WHEW!"
339
00:13:34,233 --> 00:13:35,633
THEY CAME IN THE BEDROOM
ONE TIME.
340
00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:36,903
HE WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE
AS ME.
341
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,070
I WAS TRYING ON
A SWEAT SUIT AND SHIT.
342
00:13:40,066 --> 00:13:42,666
AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHO
YOU LIVING NEXT DOOR TO, MAN.
343
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:43,727
YOU NEVER KNOW.
344
00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:45,004
PEOPLE BE DOING
FREAKY SHIT.
345
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,370
YOU WON'T NEVER KNOW
TILL YOU SHOW UP UNEXPECTED.
346
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:48,897
ONE DUDE, I GUESS IT WAS
HIS ANNIVERSARY.
347
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,770
HIM AND HIS OLD LADY
TRYING TO DO SOMETHING FREAKY.
348
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,797
HE CAUGHT HIMSELF,
GONNA JUMP OFF THE DRESSER
349
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,930
AND JUMP TOO FAR AND
HIT HIS HEAD ON THE HEADBOARD.
350
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:58,274
WE COME RUNNING IN
WITH THE PARAMEDICS.
351
00:13:58,266 --> 00:13:59,426
HE LAYING THERE,
BUTT NAKED,
352
00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:03,173
WITH A LITTLE
SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK.
353
00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:04,366
KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT,
354
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,997
BUTT NAKED WITH
A SUPERMAN CAPE AROUND HIS NECK.
355
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,400
SOME LITTLE
SUPERMAN DRAWERS ON,
356
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,730
ONE BALL HANGING OUT
THE SIDE.
357
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:12,474
HE LAID THE FUCK OUT.
358
00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:15,167
THEY LOOK AT HIM.
HE TALKING ABOUT, "DO CPR!"
359
00:14:15,166 --> 00:14:16,226
I SAID, "YOU BETTER
PUT THEM BALLS AWAY.
360
00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,273
I TELL YOU THAT."
361
00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:18,266
THAT'S MY TIME, Y'ALL.
362
00:14:18,266 --> 00:14:20,896
ALEX SCOTT.
363
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:26,570
♪
364
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:28,667
- THAT MY MAN, ALEX SCOTT,
VERY FUNNY CAT.
365
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,797
IT REALLY WAS AND HE WAS TALKING
ABOUT HOW WOMEN GET DRUNK.
366
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:31,800
WHEN YOU --
WHEN YOU FUCKED UP,
367
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,030
YOU EVER BEEN
SO FUCKED UP
368
00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:37,333
YOU AT A STOP SIGN
WAITING FOR IT TO TURN GREEN?
369
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:38,473
I'M ABOUT TO RUN
THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
370
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:40,997
EVERYBODY --
EVERYBODY GOT TO GO BUT ME.
371
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:41,970
THIS SOME BULLSHIT.
372
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:44,067
I GOT TO GO,
FUCK THIS.
373
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:45,126
AND WHEN YOU FUCKED UP,
374
00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:46,233
DON'T EVERYTHING LOOK
LIKE A POLICE CAR?
375
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,833
"OH, SHIT!"
376
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:51,034
"THERE GO THE POLICE.
377
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:55,203
HEY, BITCH, TAKE THAT SKI RACK
OFF YOUR CAR.
378
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,300
YOU DONE MADE ME PULL OUT
A BAG OF WEED FUCKIN' WITH YOU."
379
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,400
WHEN YOU REAL FUCKED UP,
380
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,570
YOU PAY ATTENTION
TO TRAFFIC LAWS
381
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,627
YOU AIN'T NEVER PAID
NO FUCKIN' MIND TO.
382
00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:06,633
STOP 20 FEET
BEFORE THE LIGHT.
383
00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,203
PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON.
[ LAUGHS ]
384
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,030
YOU GOT A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR
THAT'S SEATED NEXT TO YOU
385
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,433
SO YOU PUT A SEATBELT
ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER, TOO.
386
00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:16,373
"IF THEY STOP US, ACT LIKE
WE AIN'T TOGETHER, HEAR?"
387
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:17,697
ALL RIGHT,
THIS NEXT COMEDIAN,
388
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:18,930
I'VE KNOWN HIM
FOR A SHORT TIME
389
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:21,634
BUT HE IS ONE OF
THE BADDEST YOUNG CATS WORKING.
390
00:15:21,633 --> 00:15:22,833
ALL THE WAY FROM HOUSTON,
391
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:27,774
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR MY MAN, ALI.
392
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:33,697
♪
393
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:38,403
- WHAT'S UP, LA?
394
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,230
[ APPLAUSE ]
395
00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:41,273
WHERE ARE
ALL MY PARENTS AT?
396
00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:45,026
PARENTS,
MAKE SOME NOISE.
397
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,803
Y'ALL CAN STOP.
398
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:51,500
YOU AND YOUR KIDS
ARE NOT FRIENDS.
399
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,530
BLACK FOLK,
YOU AIN'T GOT TO CLAP.
400
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:53,903
I'M NOT TALKING TO Y'ALL.
401
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:57,630
Y'ALL KNOW
WHO I'M TALKING TO.
402
00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:02,603
'CAUSE I RULE MY HOUSE
WITH FEAR AND TERROR.
403
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,230
I HAVE A DAUGHTER,
SHE EIGHT.
404
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:05,473
SHE WALKING
AROUND THE HOUSE,
405
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:06,797
I JUST JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE
AND JUST CHOKE HER.
406
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,000
"HEY!
YOUR DADDY DON'T PLAY!"
407
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,770
AND LET HER GO.
408
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:13,697
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
409
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,730
SHE GO OUTSIDE,
SOMEBODY ASK HER SOMETHING,
410
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:16,804
"HEY, YOU WANT TO
GET IN TROUBLE?"
411
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,470
"NO, YOU KNOW
MY DADDY DON'T PLAY."
412
00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:22,597
WHITE FOLKS IS CRAZY
WITH THEIR KIDS.
413
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:23,730
YOU SEE THEM,
BLACK FOLK,
414
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,574
KIDS JUST RUNNING
ALL THROUGH THE GROCERY STORE,
415
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,667
TEARING UP EVERYTHING.
416
00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:29,097
Y'ALL GOT TO HELP THEM.
417
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:34,170
WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY
ON AISLE 3 RUNNING,
418
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:39,026
KNOCKING EVERYTHING DOWN,
YOU GOT TO TRIP LITTLE TIMMY --
419
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:40,773
FOR HIS MOMMA.
420
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,497
"YOUR BABY FELL."
421
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,670
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
422
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,297
WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE
TIMMY ON AISLE 5
423
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,770
CUSSING HIS MOMMA OUT,
TAKE A BAG OF RICE
424
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:52,967
AND FAST PISTOL WHIP
HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD.
425
00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:54,597
AND WALK PAST HIM.
426
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,400
"YOUR BABY FELL."
427
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,900
[ LAUGHTER ]
428
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,030
WHEN YOU SEE LITTLE TIMMY
AT THE CHECKOUT LINE
429
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,003
ACTING A FOOL,
430
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,730
TAKE YOUR BASKET
AND HIT HIS ACHILLES HEEL --
431
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:09,134
YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN'T THINK WHEN YOU --
432
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,903
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
433
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,130
"YOUR BABY FELL."
434
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,633
YOU EVER HIT YOUR MOMMA HEEL
WITH THAT BASKET,
435
00:17:16,633 --> 00:17:19,973
AND SHE -- AND SHE ALMOST
FORGOT THAT YOU WAS HER CHILD.
436
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,467
YOU -- YOU RODE --
YOU HIT HER --
437
00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,397
"HEY, HEY!
I'M YOURS. I'M YOURS."
438
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,130
"I AM YOURS."
439
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:27,603
YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO
COME BY HER NO MORE
440
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,100
WITH THE BASKET.
441
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,830
YOU WAY OVER HERE.
442
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,204
"BOY, COME GET THIS RICE!"
443
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,800
"NO, THROW IT."
444
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,200
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
445
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,800
BECAUSE YOU IS IGNORANT.
446
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,600
[ LAUGHTER ]
447
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,270
YOU GOT TO HELP THEM.
448
00:17:45,266 --> 00:17:48,066
NOW, PARENTS,
DO NOT BEAT YOUR KIDS
449
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,766
FOR THINGS
THAT THEY SEE YOU DO.
450
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:55,167
MY DAUGHTER CURSE
BECAUSE I CURSE.
451
00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:57,926
SHE DON'T CURSE BAD,
DON'T JUDGE MY BABY.
452
00:17:57,934 --> 00:17:59,774
[ LAUGHTER ]
453
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:02,927
HER WORD IS FUNKY ASS.
454
00:18:02,934 --> 00:18:04,834
AND YOU AIN'T HAD NOTHING
HAPPEN TO YOU
455
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:08,534
UNTIL YOUR CHILD CALL YOU
FUNKY ASS.
456
00:18:08,533 --> 00:18:10,133
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
457
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:12,433
I'M DOWNSTAIRS IN MY HOUSE,
SHE UPSTAIRS.
458
00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:15,633
I
HEARD HER CALL MY NAME. "DADDY!"
459
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:17,803
I'M ON THE PHONE, THOUGH,
DOING SOME BUSINESS I'M --
460
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,430
SHE -- SHE DON'T KNOW.
461
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,373
"DADDY!"
462
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,567
SHE DON'T WANT NOTHING
SO I AIN'T ANSWER.
463
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:26,427
SHE CAME DOWN THE STEP,
[ STOMPING FEET ]
464
00:18:26,433 --> 00:18:30,933
"HEY! YOUR FUNKY ASS
DIDN'T HEAR ME CALL YOU?
465
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:36,874
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
466
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,467
I SAY, "MAN!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
467
00:18:38,467 --> 00:18:41,267
"SEE, I CAN'T REMEMBER.
SHIT!"
468
00:18:41,266 --> 00:18:43,626
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
469
00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:46,503
BUT YOU GOT TO TEACH THEM
WHO THEY CAN SAY IT TO,
470
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,130
AND WHO THEY CAN'T
SAY IT TO.
471
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,473
SHE CALL MY MOMMA
FUNKY ASS ONE TIME.
472
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:55,927
IT GET WORSE --
IT GET WORSE.
473
00:18:55,934 --> 00:18:58,674
WE WAS IN CHURCH.
474
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:02,067
DON'T JUDGE MY BABY
BECAUSE SHE A GOOD KID.
475
00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:03,966
JUST LET ME TELL YOU
THE STORY.
476
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:08,327
THIS ME, MY MOMMA,
MY BABY.
477
00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:10,273
WE IN CHURCH,
THE PASTOR TALKING.
478
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:13,426
MY BABY SAID IT REAL NICE,
"GRANDMA."
479
00:19:13,433 --> 00:19:17,103
MY MOM SAY, "SSHH,
THE PASTOR'S TALKING."
480
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,570
SO YOU KNOW YOUR KIDS.
481
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,427
MY DAUGHTER HAD AN ATTITUDE
ON HER FACE LIKE,
482
00:19:20,433 --> 00:19:23,873
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
WHO'S TALKING.
483
00:19:23,867 --> 00:19:26,027
YOU MY GRANDMAMMA.
WHEN I CALL, YOU ANSWER."
484
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:28,303
SHE SAY -- NOW SHE SAY IT
WITH AN ATTITUDE,
485
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,530
"GRANDMAMMA --
486
00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:33,503
MY MOMMA SAY, "SSHH,
THE PASTOR'S TALKING."
487
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,870
MY LITTLE GIRL SAID,
"OH, SO YOUR FUNKY ASS CAN'T TALK TO ME
488
00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,267
BECAUSE THE PASTOR'S TALKING?"
489
00:19:38,266 --> 00:19:40,226
SO I JUMPED
IN BETWEEN THEM.
490
00:19:40,233 --> 00:19:44,173
MY LITTLE GIRL TALKING ABOUT,
"LET HER GO! LET HER GO!"
491
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:47,926
I SAY, "NOW, SHE USE
TO WHOOP MY ASS. NO."
492
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,774
SO I TOOK HER OUTSIDE,
BUT YOUR KIDS ARE SMART.
493
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:54,297
I SAY, "JANE, LISTEN,
YOU CAN'T SAY FUNKY ASS."
494
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,670
SHE SAY, "WHY, DADDY?
YOU SAY FUNKY ASS."
495
00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:56,797
I SAID, "YOU DON'T DO
WHAT I DO.
496
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,370
YOU DO WHAT I SAY!"
497
00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,797
SO SHE THOUGHT
FOR A COUPLE OF A SECONDS,
498
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,270
AND SHE SAID,
"AND YOU SAY FUNKY ASS!"
499
00:20:04,266 --> 00:20:07,826
AND RIGHT THEN, I SAY, "NO
MORE PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR HER."
500
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,334
TOO SMART!
501
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:13,103
[ LAUGHTER ]
502
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,600
I'M A BLACK MAN.
503
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:15,930
I'M JEALOUS
OF OTHER RACES.
504
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:17,804
I'M NOT JEALOUS,
I'M ENVIOUS.
505
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,300
I'M ENVIOUS
BECAUSE THEY CAN DO THINGS
506
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,000
THAT I KNOW
I'LL NEVER EXPERIENCE.
507
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,200
SPANISH PEOPLE,
MAKE SOME NOISE.
508
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,630
THAT'S --
THAT'S ENOUGH DAMN NOISE.
509
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:30,333
WHEN THE LAST TIME
SOMEBODY BROKE IN YOUR HOUSE?
510
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,733
NEVER!
511
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:36,204
BECAUSE SOMEBODY ALWAYS HOME
AT SOMEBODY'S SPANISH HOUSE.
512
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,670
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
513
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:41,027
THEY GOING TO BREAK IN WHILE
YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT THEM?
514
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:46,873
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
515
00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:47,867
WHITE FOLKS,
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
516
00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:49,167
WHITE FOLKS,
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
517
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:50,466
SEE, LOOK AT THEM.
MARVELOUS.
518
00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:52,197
STUPENDOUS.
519
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,700
WONDERFUL.
520
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,770
BLACK FOLK,
I AIN'T NEVER USE THEM WORDS
521
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:57,567
PERTAINING TO MY FEELINGS.
522
00:20:57,567 --> 00:20:58,597
WONDERFUL.
MARVELOUS.
523
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,200
NOTHING!
524
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,000
YOU KNOW, OUR FEELINGS
ARE BASED ONLY IF WE CAN PAY A BILL OR NOT.
525
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,130
"WHAT'S UP, LARRY?
HOW YOU DOING?"
526
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,633
"SSHH --"
527
00:21:07,633 --> 00:21:14,033
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
528
00:21:14,033 --> 00:21:15,273
"IF I CAN GET
THAT LIGHT BILL DOWN,
529
00:21:15,266 --> 00:21:19,096
I'LL BE DOING ALRIGHT."
530
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:20,470
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL
WE GOING TO EVER DO
531
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,827
SOMETIME IS, ALL RIGHT,
BECAUSE WE RETARDED.
532
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:26,974
BLACK FOLK,
STOP GOING ON "FAMILY FEUD".
533
00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:28,867
'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY
THEY SURVEYED 100 PEOPLE,
534
00:21:28,867 --> 00:21:32,627
THEY NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE.
535
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:36,303
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
536
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:39,530
THAT'S WHY YOU AIN'T
NEVER SEEN NO BLACK FAMILY --
537
00:21:39,533 --> 00:21:43,633
WELL, I WATCH EVERYDAY
JUST TO SEE IF SOMEBODY BLACK
538
00:21:43,633 --> 00:21:45,603
GOING TO WIN ONE TIME.
539
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,970
I ALMOST THOUGHT THE JOHNSONS
WERE GOING TO WIN YESTERDAY.
540
00:21:47,967 --> 00:21:49,367
OOH, I WAS THERE.
541
00:21:49,367 --> 00:21:50,627
I SAID, "OOH,
542
00:21:50,633 --> 00:21:52,003
[ INDISTINCT ]
543
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,530
AND THE MAN CAME OUT
WITH A TRICK QUESTION.
544
00:21:54,533 --> 00:22:00,403
HE SAY, "NAME
A POPULAR FLAVOR OF KOOL-AID."
545
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:05,170
AND I SAT IN FRONT OF THIS TV
AND PRAYED AND PRAYED,
546
00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:06,896
AND PRAYED AND PRAYED
THAT THIS BLACK MAN
547
00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,530
WOULDN'T BE A NIGGA'
FOR JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS.
548
00:22:10,533 --> 00:22:12,273
JUST A COUPLE
OF SECONDS.
549
00:22:12,266 --> 00:22:15,066
HE HIT THAT BUZZER WITH ALL
THE CONFIDENCE IN THE WORLD.
550
00:22:15,066 --> 00:22:17,966
[ SMACKING ]
"RED!"
551
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:19,927
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
552
00:22:19,934 --> 00:22:23,034
MY NAME ALI.
Y'ALL BEEN GOOD.
553
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:29,203
[ APPLAUSE ]
554
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:33,130
- WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
MY MAN ALI.
555
00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:37,703
[ APPLAUSE ]
556
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:40,630
YOU MEAN RED
AIN'T A FLAVOR?
557
00:22:40,633 --> 00:22:43,703
[ LAUGHTER ]
558
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,770
I'M FUCKED UP.
559
00:22:46,767 --> 00:22:49,467
THIS NEXT CAT IS ONE OF
THE PIONEERS OF HIP HOP COMEDY,
560
00:22:49,467 --> 00:22:52,497
A GIFTED IMPRESSIONIST
AND A TRUE DEF JAM LEGEND.
561
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,300
ALL THE WAY FROM
WASHINGTON DC,
562
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,200
THE MAYOR,
MR. CHRIS THOMAS.
563
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:04,330
[ APPLAUSE ]
564
00:23:08,367 --> 00:23:11,097
- WHAZZUP?
565
00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:12,370
YOU DON'T MIND
IF I TAKE A DRINK?
566
00:23:12,367 --> 00:23:16,127
I GOT BIG LIPS.
567
00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:17,703
I SAW THIS LITTLE
WHITE GIRL THE OTHER DAY.
568
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:18,870
SHE SAY,
"YOU HAVE SOME BIG LIPS.
569
00:23:18,867 --> 00:23:20,497
I WISH I HAD LIPS
LIKE YOURS."
570
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:24,370
I SAID,
"BITCH, HOLD STILL."
571
00:23:24,367 --> 00:23:30,467
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
572
00:23:32,867 --> 00:23:35,197
I LIKE COMING TO LA.
573
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,570
I LIKE GOING TO CRENSHAW.
574
00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:41,297
I WENT TO STRIP CLUB LAST NIGHT
CALLED "FIRST KINGS".
575
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:44,900
OH, YEAH, THAT'S LIKE
THAT LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL.
576
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:47,270
$75, THEY DO IT ALL.
577
00:23:47,266 --> 00:23:49,096
WENT IN THERE,
THEY HAD A YOUNG LADY --
578
00:23:49,100 --> 00:23:50,400
FIRST DANCE
I'VE EVER SEEN --
579
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,570
HAD MOLES ALL OVER HER BODY,
FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOE.
580
00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:55,897
WHEN THEY BROUGHT HER OUT,
THEY SAY, "HERE SHE IS.
581
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,270
CHOCOLATE CHIP."
582
00:23:58,266 --> 00:24:04,266
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
583
00:24:09,033 --> 00:24:10,133
CHOCOLATE CHIP SAID,
584
00:24:10,133 --> 00:24:11,603
"I'M A DO
SOMETHING NASTY FOR YOU.
585
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,630
COME ON IN THE VIP ROOM."
586
00:24:13,633 --> 00:24:14,933
WENT INTO THE VIP ROOM.
587
00:24:14,934 --> 00:24:17,274
SHE SAID,
"TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF."
588
00:24:17,266 --> 00:24:19,226
SHE LICKED ME DOWN
MY BACK, BETWEEN MY ASS,
589
00:24:19,233 --> 00:24:20,303
AROUND MY BALLS,
590
00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:24,470
CAME UP AND KISSED ME
IN MY MOUTH.
591
00:24:24,467 --> 00:24:26,127
I LOOKED AT
CHOCOLATE CHIP.
592
00:24:26,133 --> 00:24:31,733
I SAID, "CHOCOLATE CHIP,
DO IT AGAIN."
593
00:24:31,734 --> 00:24:37,674
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
594
00:24:40,834 --> 00:24:42,334
THEY HAD A OLD DANCER
IN THERE, TOO.
595
00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:43,803
SHE WAS OLD.
596
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:48,670
I MEAN, HER DANCE NAME
WAS "CENTURY", YOU KNOW.
597
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:51,297
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
598
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:52,730
SHE -- SHE GOT TO DANCING
IN FRONT OF ME.
599
00:24:52,734 --> 00:24:57,134
I'VE NEVER SEEN NO GREY HAIR
ON NO VAGINA BEFORE, RIGHT.
600
00:24:57,133 --> 00:24:58,303
[ LAUGHTER ]
601
00:24:58,300 --> 00:24:59,370
I WAS TRYING TO TELL HER --
I SAID, "YOU --
602
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:02,997
YOU GOT A LOT OF LINT,
A LOT OF LINT."
603
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:07,600
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
604
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,730
SHE SAID,
"THAT AIN'T NO LINT."
605
00:25:08,734 --> 00:25:12,104
AND I SAID, "WELL,
TELL ME IT'S BABY POWDER.
606
00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,970
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
607
00:25:13,967 --> 00:25:15,167
I LIKE LA.
I WENT -- YOU KNOW,
608
00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,896
I WENT TO A CHINESE
RESTAURANT THE OTHER DAY.
609
00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:18,030
YOU KNOW, BLACK PEOPLE
AND WHITE PEOPLE,
610
00:25:18,033 --> 00:25:19,333
CHINESE --
WE ALL MIXING UP.
611
00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:20,933
WENT TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT
THE OTHER DAY.
612
00:25:20,934 --> 00:25:23,534
GOT A -- THE MAMA WAS
CHINESE, THE FATHER WAS BLACK.
613
00:25:23,533 --> 00:25:28,603
MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE RESTAURANT
CALLED "SO WHAT CHINESE FOOD".
614
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:29,770
I'M IN THERE EATING.
615
00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:31,127
LIKE ME AND D.L., WE DONE
WENT OUT AND ATE BEFORE.
616
00:25:31,133 --> 00:25:32,133
ME AND BERNIE MAC WAS OUT.
617
00:25:32,133 --> 00:25:33,203
WE WAS SITTING THERE
EATING,
618
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,700
AND WE GOT TO SITTING THERE
TALKING.
619
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,030
AND BERNIE WAS SAYING, "CHRIS,
THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' CHINESE FOOD
620
00:25:37,033 --> 00:25:39,103
IS GOOD
AS A MOTHERFUCK."
621
00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:40,570
I SAID, "IT IS."
622
00:25:40,567 --> 00:25:41,897
I SAID,
"OPEN YOUR FORTUNE COOKIE."
623
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:44,230
HE TOOK
HIS FORTUNE COOKIE OUT.
624
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:52,967
HE OPENED
HIS FORTUNE COOKIE,
625
00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:53,967
I SAID,
"WHAT IT SAY?"
626
00:25:53,967 --> 00:25:56,097
HE SAID,
"OH, FUCK NO.
627
00:25:56,100 --> 00:26:00,400
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE.
628
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:05,800
MY FORTUNE COOKIE SAY,
GET YOUR MONEY, MOTHERFUCKER."
629
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,330
I SAID, "WHAT YOUR --
WHAT IS YOUR LOTTERY NUMBER?"
630
00:26:07,333 --> 00:26:11,033
HE SAID, "I PLAYED IT
MY MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF."
631
00:26:11,033 --> 00:26:13,073
I SAID,
"AIN'T THAT A BITCH?"
632
00:26:13,066 --> 00:26:15,896
THEN ONE DAY, I TOOK MIKE TYSON
TO THE SAME RESTAURANT.
633
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,930
MIKE TYSON WAS READING
HIS FORTUNE COOKIE.
634
00:26:17,934 --> 00:26:19,034
I SAID,
"MIKE, WHAT'D IT SAY?"
635
00:26:19,033 --> 00:26:22,273
HE SAY, "YOU COULD EAT
ANYTHING YOU WANT.
636
00:26:22,266 --> 00:26:25,366
IT SAYS,
BITE RIGHT INTO IT."
637
00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:29,767
[ LAUGHTER ]
638
00:26:29,767 --> 00:26:30,867
TOOK JESSIE JACKSON.
639
00:26:30,867 --> 00:26:32,467
I SAID,
"JESSIE, WHAT DID YOURS SAID?"
640
00:26:32,467 --> 00:26:37,197
"MINE SAID,
'I HAVE A BABY, TOO.'"
641
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,830
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
642
00:26:40,834 --> 00:26:42,104
ALL THE BIG GIRLS,
643
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,170
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY
"CHICKEN WINGS".
644
00:26:44,166 --> 00:26:45,166
[ CROWD SAYING "CHICKEN WINGS" ]
645
00:26:45,166 --> 00:26:46,166
I LIKE THEM BIG WOMEN.
646
00:26:46,166 --> 00:26:47,566
YOU KNOW WHY
I LIKE BIG WOMEN?
647
00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:48,797
IT'S BECAUSE BIG WOMEN, WHEN
THEY TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF,
648
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,570
ALL YOU HEAR IS THAT MUSIC
FROM JACK IN THE BOX.
649
00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:53,397
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF,
BABY.
650
00:26:53,400 --> 00:27:00,030
[ SINGING JACK IN THE BOX TUNE ]
651
00:27:00,033 --> 00:27:05,273
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
652
00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:13,167
MY NAME IS CHRIS THOMAS.
THANK YOU!
653
00:27:13,166 --> 00:27:19,196
[ APPLAUSE ]
654
00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:26,130
- ONE MORE TIME,
MY MAN CHRIS THOMAS.
655
00:27:26,133 --> 00:27:27,373
ALL RIGHT.
656
00:27:27,367 --> 00:27:29,167
AND NOW FOR THE MAN
WHO MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE,
657
00:27:29,166 --> 00:27:30,126
PAYS ALL THE BILLS.
658
00:27:30,133 --> 00:27:33,603
GIVE IT UP
FOR RUSSELL SIMMONS.
659
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,900
[ APPLAUSE ]
660
00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:37,900
- THANK YOU
FOR COMING OUT.
661
00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:39,870
GOD BLESS YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
662
00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:45,567
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
663
00:27:45,567 --> 00:27:49,767
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
664
00:27:49,817 --> 00:27:54,367
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