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1
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CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
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00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,470
- YOU GOT TO HAVE MONEY TO
TAKE WOMEN TO RESTAURANTS
3
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:23,197
BECAUSE WOMEN GO TO
RESTAURANTS AND LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS.
4
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,930
THEY GOT TO ORDER FROM THAT
EXPENSIVE SIDE OF THE MENU,
5
00:00:24,934 --> 00:00:26,504
THE SIDE WITH THE STEAK
AND THE LOBSTER
6
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,730
AND THE DOM PERIGNON.
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00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:29,934
GUYS LIKE TO GIVE THEM THAT
LITTLE WARNING, TOO, HUH?
8
00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:32,434
"OOH, HONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT'S THE FUCKING SIDE OF THE MENU.
9
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,273
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?"
10
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,470
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
11
00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:40,997
"YOU ORDER FROM THAT SIDE
OF THE MENU, SOMEBODY IS FUCKING YOU.
12
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,570
"UNDERSTAND THAT?
13
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:43,827
"I'M NOT SAYING IT'S YOU,
BUT SOMEBODY WHO LIVE WHERE
14
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,174
"YOU LIVE IS FUCKING ME.
15
00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:47,666
"YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
IT'S STEAK, LOBSTER, AND DICK.
16
00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:52,127
IT IS A COMBINATION.
DAMN RIGHT."
17
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,570
I WONDER IF THERE ARE MEN AND
WOMEN AT HOME MAKING LOVE.
18
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:56,797
SHE'S GOING, "GOD, CAN
WE STOP NOW?"
19
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,230
"UH-UH, BITCH.
20
00:00:58,233 --> 00:01:00,403
YOU WANTED THEM CHICKEN WINGS,
YOU KEEP GOING."
21
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,730
AND YOU HAD A DOGGIE BAG.
22
00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:04,634
THAT MEANS I'M COMING BACK
TOMORROW, GODDAMN IT."
23
00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:12,967
- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS
DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST
24
00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:16,497
D.L. HUGHLEY!
25
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:20,100
TONIGHT'S GUESTS,
WIL SYLVINCE...
26
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:22,400
CORY FERNANDEZ...
27
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,970
AND TED CARPENTER!
28
00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:29,597
AND YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI!
29
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,900
AND THIS IS
COMEDY AT ITS BEST.
30
00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:36,170
LET'S GET IT ON WITH
YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY.
31
00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:38,096
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
32
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,570
- UP ON TOP, MY CAT KID
CAPRI DOING HIS THING.
33
00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:47,227
[CHEERING]
34
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,230
YOU DOING
HIP-HOP RIGHT, MAN?
35
00:01:51,233 --> 00:01:52,733
'CAUSE HIP-HOP IS
IN TROUBLE, MAN.
36
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,974
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, Y'ALL
DON'T EVEN BUY SONGS.
37
00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:56,427
Y'ALL BUY RINGTONES.
38
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,803
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
SHIT ALL ABOUT?
39
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,070
YOU KNOW THE SAD THING?
40
00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:01,526
THEY BLAME HIP-HOP, LIKE
I SAID, THEY BLAME IT
41
00:02:01,533 --> 00:02:02,633
FOR EVERYTHING.
42
00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:04,073
WE'RE A
HYPOCRITICAL-ASS COUNTRY, MAN.
43
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:07,926
LIKE, YOU CAN'T GO TO WAL-MART
AND BUY A HIP-HOP ALBUM THAT
44
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:10,304
GOT PROFANITY OR VIOLENCE,
BUT YOU CAN GO TO
45
00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:11,570
WAL-MART AND BUY A GUN.
46
00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:13,927
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
47
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,404
CAN'T GET THE NEW 50 CENT
JOINT, BUT YOU CAN GET A .357.
48
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,530
AIN'T THAT FUCKED UP?
49
00:02:18,533 --> 00:02:20,873
BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANT TO BAN
SONGS ABOUT GUNS BUT DON'T
50
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,027
NOBODY WANT TO BAN GUNS.
51
00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:23,773
THAT'S A FUCKING DEAL.
52
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,297
AND Y'ALL KIDS, Y'ALL GOT
IT HARDER THAN WE DID.
53
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:29,630
Y'ALL SOME SOFT LITTLE
MOTHERFUCKERS, I SWEAR TO GOD.
54
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:31,233
LEAVE KID--WHEN WE WAS
GROWING UP, YOU'D LEAVE KIDS
55
00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:32,473
IN THE CAR IN THE SUMMER,
AND THEY'D DIE.
56
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:35,167
WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?
57
00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:36,896
WE GOT LEFT IN THE CAR IN
THE SUMMER, WE DIDN'T DIE
58
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:41,000
BECAUSE HAD A SISTER
DRIVING THE FUCKING CAR.
59
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,700
"IT'S HOT.
WE'RE IN THE CAR.
60
00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:45,270
"ARE WE GONNA DIE? NOT ME.
I'M GETTING OUT THE CAR."
61
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,796
MAMA SAID, "I'M TAKING
WHUPPING, BUT I'M OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR.
62
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,670
IT'S HOT OUT HERE."
63
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:53,874
FUCKING KIDS GOT TO HAVE
BICYCLE HELMETS ON WHEN THEY
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00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:55,297
RIDE A FUCKING BIKE.
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00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,870
CRIBS THAT DON'T FALL APART.
66
00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:59,427
WHEN WE WAS GROWING, WE DIDN'T
HAVE NO FUCKING CRIB, NO HIGH
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00:02:59,433 --> 00:03:00,573
CHAIRS WITH STRAPS.
68
00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:01,967
YOUR MAMA DIDN'T HAVE
NO FUCKING HIGH CHAIRS.
69
00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:08,067
SHE'D PUT 3 PHONE BOOKS ON
A CHAIR, AND YOUR ASS--EITHER
70
00:03:08,066 --> 00:03:09,996
YOU LEARN HOW TO BALANCE,
OR YOU GOT A CONCUSSION.
71
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,370
THAT'S THE WAY THAT SHIT WENT.
72
00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:14,197
"I KNOW YOU'RE 6 MONTHS OLD,
BUT DO YOU WANT TO EAT,
73
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,200
"OR DO YOU WANT SOME STITCHES?
74
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,030
I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS."
75
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:18,033
WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE NO CRIBS.
76
00:03:18,033 --> 00:03:19,373
SOME OF US SLEPT IN
A DRESSER DRAWER.
77
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:22,797
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
78
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,270
YOUR DADDY COME IN, "GIVE ME
SOME DRAWERS, AND SOMEBODY
79
00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:28,396
CHECK ON THE BABY. SHIT."
80
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,830
EVEN MY SON--MY SON 18.
81
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,334
HE COME TO ME THE OTHER
DAY AND SAY, "LOOK, DADDY,
82
00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:33,203
I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY TO GIRLS."
83
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,930
I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER,
YOU GOT A MUSTANG AND A ROLEX.
84
00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:37,004
WHAT THE FUCK IS
THERE TO SAY?"
85
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,867
"PULL UP IN FRONT OF
THE SCHOOL AND PARK, AND SOMEBODY WILL FUCK YOU.
86
00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:43,667
I SWEAR TO GOD THEY WILL."
87
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:44,697
"YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
88
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,130
LET ME BORROW YOUR
CAR AND YOUR WATCH."
89
00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,503
Y'ALL READY TO MAKE
THIS THING HAPPEN?
90
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,070
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
91
00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,496
THIS CAT IS HAITIAN.
92
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,370
HE'S FROM BROOKLYN, AND THE
LAST TIME HE WAS HERE AT "DEF
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00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:56,867
COMEDY," HE GOT A
STANDING OVATION.
94
00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:58,197
ONE OF MY CATS.
95
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,630
PLEASE PUT THEM TOGETHER LOUD
AND STRONG FOR WIL SYLVINCE.
96
00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:03,373
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
97
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,970
- WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
98
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,167
WHERE THE WEST INDIES AT?
WEST INDIES, MAKE SOME NOISE!
99
00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:17,596
[CHEERS]
100
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,030
YEAH, MY FAMILY'S FROM HAITI.
101
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:22,873
THE THING IS, YOU'LL NEVER
SEE A HAITIAN PIMP, RIGHT?
102
00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:24,667
BECAUSE TO BE A PIMP,
YOUR VOICE GOT TO HAVE THAT
103
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,667
POWER THAT COMMAND WOMEN.
104
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,427
"BITCH, WHERE
MY MONEY, HO?"
105
00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:34,333
EVEN PUERTO RICAN
PIMPS--[SPEAKING SPANISH]
106
00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:36,073
PUERTO RICANS, WHEN THEY
SMACK THEIR WOMEN, THEIR
107
00:04:36,066 --> 00:04:37,326
HANDS SHAKE.
108
00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:39,333
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
109
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,567
HAITIANS, WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
110
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,297
Y'ALL SEE A HAITIAN PIMP,
THEY HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING
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00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,370
THEIR MONEY BECAUSE THEIR
VOICE AIN'T INTIMIDATING.
112
00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:56,427
[HIGH VOICE]
"SO YOU TELL ME YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY?
113
00:04:56,433 --> 00:04:59,733
"OH, ARE YOU CRAZY?
114
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:06,104
"WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU
MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY?
115
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,930
"NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME THAT.
DON'T TELL ME THAT.
116
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:12,674
"WE HAVE AGWEEMENT.
WE HAVE AGWEEMENT.
117
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:19,227
"YOU WORK MONDAY, TUESDAY.
WHY YOU DOING THIS TO US?
118
00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:27,003
YOU HAVE 4 DAYS TO HAVE
MY MONEY, OR I WILL KILL YOUR FACE."
119
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,900
MY DAD USED TO BUY US TOYS FOR
CHRISTMAS THAT BENEFITED HIM.
120
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,870
HE GOT US, LIKE, HOUSE
UTENSILS, AND HE CALLED THEM
121
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:37,667
TOYS, LIKE A BROOM OR A MOP.
122
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:41,967
"HERE, I BOUGHT YOU A NEW TOY.
THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY WITH IT."
123
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,670
"ARE YOU WATCHING?
I'M HAVING FUN.
124
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:50,767
"GO AND ENJOY YOURSELF.
125
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,497
I CANNOT HAVE ALL THAT
FUN BY MYSELF."
126
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,230
UH-OH. UH-OH.
THAT'S THAT SHIT OH.
127
00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:58,203
WE SAY "UH-OH" WHEN WE'RE
SHOCKED OR WHEN SOMETHING
128
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,230
SURPRISES US.
129
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,533
"UH-OH.
130
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:04,203
"HOW LONG YOU WERE
STANDING THERE?
131
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,970
WHAT DID YOU SEE?"
132
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,627
YOU, LADIES.
133
00:06:09,633 --> 00:06:11,433
YOU EVER SEE A GUY WITH
A LITTLE WEE WEE?
134
00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:16,833
"UH-OH. NO, NO. WE HAVE
TO BE FRIENDS.
135
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:20,604
"THIS A FRIENDSHIP DICK.
THIS IS NOT RELATIONSHIP DICK.
136
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,100
UH-OH."
137
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:28,030
[HIGH VOICE]
"WHY YOU--WHY YOU--WHY YOU BRING THIS TO MY HOUSE?
138
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:31,503
"NO, YOU ARE DISRESPECTING
MY PUSSY WITH THIS, OK?
139
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,970
YOU--WHO LET YOU IN HERE?"
140
00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,927
UH-OH.
141
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:39,774
LADIES, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN
A GUY BUY YOU A DRINK AND HE
142
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:43,767
FOLLOW YOU ALL AROUND
THE DAMN CLUB?
143
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:46,797
YOU EVER GIVE THE
GUY THE DRINK BACK?
144
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,970
"THANK YOU. THE CLUB IS NICE.
145
00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:54,597
"THE D.J., HE'S NICE--
MOTHERFUCKER, HERE.
146
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,270
"TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT BACK.
147
00:06:57,266 --> 00:06:59,596
WELL, THEN LEAVE
ME ALONE, ASSHOLE."
148
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:05,433
GIRL, LET'S TAKE YOUR DAMN
DRINK BACK BECAUSE THE WORST
149
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,873
THING IS IF YOU BUY HER A
DRINK, SHE TAKE HER DRINK
150
00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:13,067
AND GO DANCING WITH ANOTHER
GUY WITH YOUR DRINK.
151
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:18,166
EVERY 5 MINUTES, SHE
LOOK AT YOU AND WAVE.
152
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:21,426
"BITCH, GIVE ME THAT.
THAT WAS FOR US!"
153
00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:22,503
YOU KNOW WHAT WILL KILL YOU?
154
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,200
YOU KNOW WHAT WILL
BREAK YOUR HEART?
155
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,870
WHEN YOU SEE HER DANCING WITH
THE OTHER GUY, AND THE OTHER
156
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,527
GUY WILL TAKE A SIP
OF YOUR SHIT.
157
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,903
"WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOING?
158
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:36,600
I SHOULD KILL BOTH OF Y'ALL,
OR GIVE ME $6.50 EACH."
159
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,100
I'M GONNA START TALKING
TO GIRLS IN WHEELCHAIRS.
160
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,830
THEY CAN'T DISRESPECT YOU
LIKE--DID YOU EVER SEE A GIRL
161
00:07:42,834 --> 00:07:44,704
DANCING BY HERSELF?
162
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,470
AND YOU WALK UP, "HEY,
GIRL. HOW YOU DOING?"
163
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,927
"STUPID, I'M NOT GONNA DANCE
WITH YOU," AND SHE TAKE OFF.
164
00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:53,404
BOY, YOU FEEL SO...
165
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,600
EVERYBODY JUST SAW THAT SHIT.
166
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,600
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
167
00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:02,967
A GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR,
SHE CAN'T GO NOWHERE.
168
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:04,327
"HEY, GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?
169
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,273
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING? WHERE YOU GOING?
170
00:08:07,266 --> 00:08:08,526
"NO, NO, NO.
171
00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:09,773
"COME BACK, COME BACK,
COME BACK.
172
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,127
"YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCH?
SLIDE OVER.
173
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:13,603
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
I'LL COME WITH YOU."
174
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,730
"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE
AND STOP PLAYING AROUND!
175
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,634
I'LL PAY YOU $20!"
176
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,573
I DID THAT TO ONE GIRL.
SHE GAVE ME HER CHAIR.
177
00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:32,127
SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU CAN HAVE
THE CHAIR, YOU ASSHOLE."
178
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:37,933
"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK?
179
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,804
WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK?"
180
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,700
NEVER MAKE LOVE TO A GIRL
WITH NO FACIAL EXPRESSION.
181
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:52,470
FELLAS, YOU DOING YOUR
THING, LIKE, YEAH.
182
00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:54,927
WHOA! MM-HMM.
183
00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:56,704
WHOO!
184
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,400
BUT SHE AIN'T GOT NOTHING.
185
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,830
SHE GOT THE STONEFACE.
186
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:02,704
SHE GOT THIS FACE RIGHT HERE.
THIS FACE.
187
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,800
[TAPPING MICROPHONE]
188
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:22,900
AFTER A WHILE, YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE RAPING THIS GIRL.
189
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:26,370
"HEY, YOU OK?
190
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:30,267
YOU AIN'T GONNA PRESS
NO CHARGES OR NOTHING?"
191
00:09:30,266 --> 00:09:32,366
[TAPPING MICROPHONE]
192
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:48,970
IT'S THE STONE-FACED KILLER!
193
00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:50,897
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED
UP ABOUT THAT JOKE?
194
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:54,870
EVERY GIRL IN HERE KNOW WHAT
THE HELL I'M TALKING ABOUT,
195
00:09:54,867 --> 00:09:57,297
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY
DON'T DO IT IN YOUR FACE.
196
00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,300
THEY DO IT BEHIND YOUR BACK.
197
00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:08,966
IT'S YOUR PUSSY, BABY.
198
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:13,733
THANKS A LOT.
WIL SYLVINCE.
199
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,774
CANDICE, I LOVE YOU, BABY.
200
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:27,297
- WIL SYLVINCE. FUNNY
DUDE. ONE MORE TIME.
201
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:28,830
THAT'S FUCKED UP THE
WAY Y'ALL DO US.
202
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:31,274
IT'S FUCKED UP.
203
00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:32,966
WHEN FELLAS IS YOUNG,
THAT SHIT HURTS YOUR EGO.
204
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,197
IT DON'T HURT MY FUCKING EGO.
205
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,200
"I DIDN'T COME."
206
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,770
"WELL, BITCH, YOU
SHOULD HAVE KEPT UP."
207
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:41,227
SHIT, THEY DON'T CALL ME
"3 MINUTES OF FURY"
208
00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:43,203
FOR NOTHING, GODDAMN.
209
00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:49,466
NOW, YOU HAVE SEEN THIS CAT
ON THE "TEENS OF COMEDY."
210
00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:52,397
FROM NEW YORK, A VERY
TALENTED YOUNG CAT.
211
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,830
GIVE IT UP FOR CORY FERNANDEZ.
212
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,304
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
213
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,934
- SPANISH PEOPLE,
MAKE SOME NOISE.
214
00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:12,774
[CHEERING]
215
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:14,697
PUERTO RICANS,
MAKE SOME NOISE.
216
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,870
[SCANT CHEERING]
217
00:11:16,867 --> 00:11:23,267
A'IGHT. THERE AIN'T NO PUERTO
RICANS ON THE WEST COAST.
218
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,026
WE GOT SO MANY PUERTO RICANS
BACK HOME IN NEW YORK, WE GOT
219
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:29,273
OUR OWN PARADE.
220
00:11:29,266 --> 00:11:30,896
AND I WENT TO THE
PARADE THIS YEAR.
221
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:35,330
I KNOW THIS FROM GOING THAT
BLACK MEN LOVE SPANISH WOMEN
222
00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:37,133
BECAUSE THERE BE MORE
BLACKS THAN PUERTO RICANS
223
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:40,273
AT THAT SHIT.
224
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,366
FOR REAL. ALL THE PUERTO
RICANS ARE AT HOME LOOKING
225
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:47,997
AT THE BLACK PEOPLE ON
TV WHO ARE AT THE PARADE.
226
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:53,230
MY GRANDMOTHER LOOKING AT
THE TV LIKE, "YOU NOTICE EVERY
227
00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:56,103
YEAR WE GETTING DARKER?"
228
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:02,573
AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE
PARADE, I ALWAYS SEE SOMEBODY
229
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:06,267
I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME,
BUT THEY WANT TO ACT COOL
230
00:12:06,266 --> 00:12:09,266
WITH ME LIKE WE
HANG OUT EVERY DAY.
231
00:12:09,266 --> 00:12:12,066
THIS DUDE SEE ME AT
THE PARADE, LIKE, "YO!
232
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,296
"LOOK AT YOU!
233
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,900
"LAST TIME I SAW YOU,
YOU WERE LIKE THIS!
234
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:19,400
"YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN!
235
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,170
TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF, A'IGHT?"
236
00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:22,366
HE JUST WALKED OFF.
237
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:28,067
I WAS LIKE, "THANKS,
DAD. WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN?"
238
00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:32,796
HE JUST KEPT WALKING LIKE
HE DIDN'T HEAR ME AND SHIT.
239
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,700
I WAS LIKE, "A'IGHT.
IT'S FUCKED UP, DAD."
240
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,300
I TRIED TO SNEAK ALCOHOL TO
THE PARADE BECAUSE I WANTED TO
241
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,400
GET FUCKED UP, BUT I DIDN'T
WANT THE COPS TO FUCK WITH ME,
242
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,230
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
AROUND WITH OPEN CONTAINERS
243
00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:47,873
OF ALCOHOL, SO YOU GOT TO
BE SLICK WITH THAT SHIT.
244
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,927
YOU GOT TO TAKE THE ALCOHOL,
PUT IT INTO ANOTHER BOTTLE,
245
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:52,134
THEN YOU SHOW UP
WITH THAT BOTTLE.
246
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:54,773
NOW I'M AT THE PARADE,
FUCKED UP.
247
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:58,697
COPS ARE STILL HARASSING ME,
AND I WAS TOO FUCKED UP TO
248
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:02,870
REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE
I PUT THE HENNESSY IN THE AQUAFINA BOTTLE.
249
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,400
YOU EVER DO THAT STUPID SHIT?
250
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,230
I'M SO FUCKED UP, I
DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.
251
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:12,273
I'M LIKE, "HA HA HA!"
252
00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:16,196
THE COPS COME OUT, AND I'M
LIKE, "CAN I HELP YOU, OFFICER?
253
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:23,870
"OH, THIS IS WATER.
I'M NOT LYING TO YOU.
254
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:27,867
WHY IS IT BROWN?
BECAUSE IT'S FROM MEXICO."
255
00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:37,696
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN
TELL WHEN YOUR JOB SUCKS?
256
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:43,270
WHEN YOU SEE A
MEXICAN QUIT THAT SHIT.
257
00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:46,596
I WAS AT WORK, LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK?
258
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,470
THEY DO THAT?"
259
00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:52,467
AND THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW
THIS DUDE, HE NEVER SPOKE
260
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,427
ANY ENGLISH.
261
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:58,073
I GO TO WORK, I'M LIKE, "YO,
JUAN, CAN I BORROW $5.00, MAN?
262
00:13:58,066 --> 00:13:59,966
"I JUST LEFT MY
WALLET AT THE CRIB.
263
00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:02,267
I'M TRYING TO GET SOME LUNCH."
264
00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:04,426
"NO HABLA INGLES."
265
00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:11,527
"SORRY. I MEAN, LO SIENTOS."
266
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,967
THE DAY HE QUIT, I'M LIKE,
"YO, JUAN, WHERE YOU GOING?"
267
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:18,767
"MAN, FUCK THIS. I'M
OUT OF HERE, MAN.
268
00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:20,467
I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP
WITH THIS SHIT.
269
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:22,997
FUCK THAT."
270
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,830
I WAS LIKE, "DAMN,
THIS JOB SUCKS."
271
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:30,804
BECAUSE MEXICANS GOT TO BE
THE HARDEST WORKERS.
272
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,000
YO, I WENT TO CANADA.
273
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,070
I SAW A MEXICAN IN CANADA.
274
00:14:37,066 --> 00:14:42,996
I WAS LIKE, "YO.
THIS DUDE IS NICE.
275
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,600
HOW DID HE SNEAK ACROSS
THE BORDER TWICE?"
276
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,997
"THIS MOTHERFUCKER
GOT SKILLS."
277
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,670
HE WAS SNEAKING OFF
INTO CANADA LIKE THIS.
278
00:14:56,667 --> 00:15:01,127
HE WAS LIKE, "MAN, FUCK THE
U.S. I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE."
279
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,600
"I NEED BLUE CROSS
BLUE SHIELD."
280
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,170
"SHIT, WHAT HAPPENS
IF I GET SICK?
281
00:15:15,166 --> 00:15:19,626
FUCK THAT."
282
00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:23,773
I'M SPANISH. I
CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH.
283
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,227
THAT SHIT SUCKS.
284
00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:31,603
FUCKING FAMILY TALKING BEHIND
MY BACK IN FRONT OF MY FACE!
285
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,170
I'M LOOKING AT MY UNCLE LIKE,
"I KNOW HE'S TALKING SHIT
286
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:38,866
ABOUT ME, BUT I CAN'T
PROVE THAT SHIT."
287
00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:44,467
I'M IN SPANISH CLASS, CHEATING
OFF OF THE CHINESE DUDE.
288
00:15:44,467 --> 00:15:47,167
HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,
"I FEEL SORRY
289
00:15:47,166 --> 00:15:50,596
FOR YOUR MOTHER."
290
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,800
"YOU FEEL SORRY FOR WHO?"
"NOTHING."
291
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,030
IT'S COOL, MAN. YOU KNOW,
I'M ASHAMED THAT I CAN'T SPEAK
292
00:15:57,033 --> 00:16:01,273
SPANISH, SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME
TO TRANSLATE STUFF, I DON'T
293
00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,726
TELL THEM I CAN'T
SPEAK SPANISH.
294
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:06,274
I MAKE SHIT UP.
295
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,326
I JUST MAKE SHIT UP.
296
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,033
I'LL BE IN THE CLUB.
297
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:12,433
SOME REGGAE SONG COME ON.
298
00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:16,233
GIRLS COME AND SAY,
"WHAT IS HE SAYING?"
299
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:18,873
"YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT HE'S SAYING?
300
00:16:18,867 --> 00:16:23,367
"THAT DUDE IS COMPLAINING
ABOUT THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.
301
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:29,397
LISTEN TO THAT SHIT, STUPID."
302
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,330
WHO MASTURBATES IN HERE?
KEEP IT REAL.
303
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:34,273
[A FEW CHEERS]
304
00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,967
RUSSELL SIMMONS
RAISED HIS HAND.
305
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,827
A'IGHT.
306
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:50,270
MAN, I TOOK MASTURBATING
TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
307
00:16:50,266 --> 00:16:55,726
I MASTURBATED TO PORN
ON THE INTERNET.
308
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,904
THAT SHIT IS SAD.
309
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,700
LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOU
REALIZE HOW SAD THAT SHIT IS.
310
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:04,570
WHEN YOU GET SO INTO THE PORN,
YOU LEAVE THE MOUSE ALONE
311
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:06,927
FOR TOO LONG, AND IN THE
MIDDLE OF YOU MASTURBATING,
312
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:12,734
THE FUCKING SCREEN
SAVER POPS UP.
313
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:15,304
ONE MINUTE, YOU LOOKING AT ASS
AND TITTIES, THE NEXT MINUTE
314
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:18,870
YOU LOOKING AT WINDOWS XP.
315
00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:22,597
AND THAT SHIT CAUGHT ME
COMPLETELY OFF GUARD, Y'ALL.
316
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,630
I'M CHILLING IN THE CRIB,
DOING MY THING.
317
00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:28,373
I'M LIKE, "AH, SHIT."
318
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,370
IF YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH
SOMEBODY, CHANGE THE SCREEN
319
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:53,627
SAVER ITSELF SO INSTEAD OF IT
SAYING, LIKE, WINDOWS, CHANGE
320
00:17:53,633 --> 00:17:57,433
THAT SHIT TO A PICTURE
OF JESUS LIKE THIS.
321
00:17:59,066 --> 00:18:01,796
HOLY SHIT!
322
00:18:05,266 --> 00:18:06,726
YO, MAN, Y'ALL BEEN
WONDERFUL, MAN.
323
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,034
I'M CORY FERNANDEZ. THANK YOU.
324
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,370
ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO
MY MAN CORY FERNANDEZ.
325
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:20,897
FUNNY YOUNG
MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH.
326
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,830
HEY, YO, KID.
327
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:25,374
YOU SHOULD BE VERY
PROUD OF YOUR SON.
328
00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:30,127
HE'S AN OUTSTANDING
YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER.
329
00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,333
FUCKED UP THE WAY YOU DID
HIM AT THE PARADE, YOU SON
330
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:35,133
OF A BITCH.
331
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:36,633
- BITCH.
332
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,197
- KEEP THAT SHIT UP, YOU GONNA
BE RIGHT BACK D.J.ing ICE
333
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,230
CREAM TRUCKS, YOU
SON OF A BITCH.
334
00:18:47,233 --> 00:18:49,633
- BITCH.
335
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,000
- I CAN'T STAND
LIGHT-SKINNED PEOPLE.
336
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,270
I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T.
337
00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,796
YOU BEIGE FUCKER.
338
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,700
YOU JUST MAD BECAUSE YOUR COLOR
AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX.
339
00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:11,297
BITCH!
340
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,100
NOW, THIS CAT HERE IS A "DEF
JAM" LEGEND IN EVERY SENSE
341
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,370
OF THE WORD.
342
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:17,197
WHEN I STARTED OUT YEARS AGO,
HE WAS THE ONLY COMIC THAT
343
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,970
RIPPED THE STAGE SO HARD,
I WENT TO THE
344
00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:20,497
BATHROOM AND PRAYED.
345
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,800
HE IS INDEED A "DEF
JAM" LEGEND AND A GREAT
346
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,030
FRIEND OF MINE.
347
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:26,873
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER FOR TEDDY CARPENTER!
348
00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:29,427
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
349
00:19:37,867 --> 00:19:41,467
[LOUDER CHEERING]
350
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:47,097
- YOU GOT TO LOVE ME.
YOU GOT TO LOVE ME!
351
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:50,730
16 YEARS, MOTHERFUCKING 8
MONTHS, AND 23 DAYS TO GET
352
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:53,234
ON THE BIGGEST STAGE IN THE
WORLD, WHICH IS "DEF JAM,"
353
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:55,133
AND THAT'S ALL YOU
MOTHERFUCKERS GONNA GIVE ME?
354
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:56,603
[CHEERING]
355
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,700
COME ON, MAN.
356
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,170
SHIT.
357
00:19:59,166 --> 00:20:03,126
COME ON, MAN.
358
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:05,503
I SEE WHITE FOLKS SCATTERED IN
"DEF JAM," TRYING TO GET YOUR
359
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,270
STREET CREDIT UP.
360
00:20:08,266 --> 00:20:11,066
"YOU KNOW, I WAS AT
DEF JAM, DUDE."
361
00:20:11,066 --> 00:20:12,996
I'M TELLING YOU WHITE FOLKS,
I'M TELLING YOU, START HANGING
362
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,270
WITH BLACK FOLKS.
363
00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,226
I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I
KNOW TO BE THE TRUTH.
364
00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:19,473
YOU ARE IN THE SAFEST PLACE
YOU CAN BE AMONGST A GROUP
365
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,627
OF NIGGAS.
366
00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:23,773
THE SAFEST PLACE--I KNOW YOU A
LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT THE SAFEST
367
00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:24,927
PLACE--YOU KNOW WHY?
368
00:20:24,934 --> 00:20:29,034
BECAUSE BLACK FOLKS
DON'T DIE IN GROUPS.
369
00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:30,573
NIGGAS DON'T DIE IN GROUPS.
370
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:33,567
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
HEARD A GROUP OF NIGGAS DYING?
371
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:37,867
KATRINA COULDN'T KILL
A GROUP OF NIGGAS.
372
00:20:37,867 --> 00:20:39,697
SOMEBODY COULD COME IN AND
SHOOT THIS WHOLE PLACE UP.
373
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,400
ONE NIGGA MIGHT DIE.
374
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,970
EVERYBODY ELSE BE OUT IN THE
PARKING LOT TALKING ABOUT,
375
00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:47,127
"I SAW THAT MOTHERFUCKER
WHEN HE CAME IN.
376
00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:49,903
I KNEW THAT NIGGA WAS CRAZY
WHEN HE--DID Y'ALL SEE HIM?
377
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,900
I SAW HIM, I SWEAR TO GOD."
378
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:55,000
BIG GIRLS. I LOVE BIG GIRLS.
379
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,500
WHERE MY BIG GIRLS AT IN HERE?
380
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,770
[CHEERING]
381
00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:00,167
YEAH, MAN. BECAUSE THE BIG
GIRLS IS DOWN WITH YOU NO
382
00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:02,396
MATTER WHAT THE FUCK YOU
WANT TO COME UP WITH.
383
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,170
NO MATTER HOW FREAKY
YOU THINK YOU ARE,
384
00:21:04,166 --> 00:21:06,326
BIG GIRLS DOWN WITH YOUR ASS.
385
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,573
I LOVE THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.
386
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:08,997
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I
LIKED BIG GIRLS.
387
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,900
I WAS IN McDONALD'S ONE TIME.
388
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,500
DROPPED MY FRENCH FRIES,
BIG BITCH CAUGHT THEM
389
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,500
IN MID-AIR.
390
00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:16,570
JUST CAUGHT THEM AND LOOKED AT
ME SAYING, "NIGGA, THERE'S NO
391
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,727
REASON TO WASTE GOOD FOOD."
392
00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:21,734
I SAID, "GODDAMN."
393
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,674
I TOOK THAT MOTHERFUCKER HOME,
SHE WENT, "$2.75 FOR NO FUCKING
394
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:26,227
REASON AT ALL."
395
00:21:26,233 --> 00:21:27,603
BIG BITCH JUST SLID.
396
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,830
SHE JUST SLID IN THE
DOORWAY, JUST SLID.
397
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,834
YOU KNOW?
CAME IN THE HOUSE.
398
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:35,174
SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA GO GET ON
YOUR BED," AND I GOT SCARED.
399
00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:37,126
I SAID,
"NO, SIR. YOU LAY YOUR
400
00:21:37,133 --> 00:21:39,333
ASS ON THE FLOOR."
401
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,373
SOMETHING GONNA
GIVE, YOU KNOW.
402
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:42,567
THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER
LAY DOWN.
403
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,597
TITTIES FELL
BETWEEN HER ARMPITS.
404
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,530
LOOKED AT ME DEAD IN MY EYE
AND SAID, "NIGGA, GET UP
405
00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:49,273
THERE. GET UP THERE!"
406
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,126
I SAID, "SHIT, I AIN'T
NO FUCKING PUNK."
407
00:21:51,133 --> 00:21:52,373
I WENT AND GOT UP ON HER.
408
00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:54,627
I CLIMBED UP ON THAT
BIG MOTHERFUCKER.
409
00:21:54,633 --> 00:21:57,873
YOU KNOW, LOOKED OFF THE SIDE.
410
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,730
I'VE NEVER FUCKED
FROM THIS HIGH UP.
411
00:22:05,734 --> 00:22:09,504
FEET DANGLING ALL OFF.
412
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:10,700
I SAID,
"LOOK, I CAN'T FUCK YOU
413
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:13,800
"FROM UP HERE,
BUT IF YOU TURN OVER, I'LL PUT
414
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,670
YOUR BIG ASS TO SLEEP."
415
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,327
THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER SAID
[BLOWS INTO MICROPHONE].
416
00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:19,773
OH, MAN, SHE TURN
THAT THING OVER.
417
00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:21,497
YOU KNOW, SHE TURNED OVER.
418
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:22,930
SHE DIDN'T TURN NO RIGHT AWAY.
419
00:22:22,934 --> 00:22:26,204
YOU KNOW, HAD TO GET A LITTLE
MOMENTUM BEHIND HER AND TURN
420
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,830
THAT ASS OVER AND SQUISHED UP.
421
00:22:27,834 --> 00:22:29,304
GOT IN A DOGGIE-STYLE
POSITION.
422
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:34,170
LOOKED LIKE A
SMALL VOLKSWAGEN.
423
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:36,126
I SAID,
"LORD, I'M ABOUT TO FUCK
424
00:22:36,133 --> 00:22:40,403
A FULL-SIZED VEHICLE
IN MY HOUSE."
425
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,470
CLICKED THE LIGHTS AND
GOT MY STUFF READY.
426
00:22:42,467 --> 00:22:43,897
WALKED UP. IT WAS DARK.
427
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:48,030
I EASED UP ON HER.
FELT A LITTLE WET CREASE.
428
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:51,073
I SAID, "YES, SIR,
THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS."
429
00:22:51,066 --> 00:22:52,796
DIDN'T HESITATE. YOU GOT
TO GO AT A BIG GIRL.
430
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,630
I JUST PULLED HER TO ME.
"AAH!"
431
00:22:55,633 --> 00:22:56,833
OH, NIGGA, I WENT TO WORK.
432
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,334
I WAS JUST TEARING
THAT ASS UP.
433
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:01,573
LOST 5 POUNDS FUCKING
WITH THIS BIG GIRL.
434
00:23:01,567 --> 00:23:03,167
AN HOUR LATER, I'M
PROUD OF MYSELF.
435
00:23:03,166 --> 00:23:04,796
SHE SAID, "TED, YOU ARE
A BEAST, NIGGA.
436
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,400
"YOU ARE A BEAST.
437
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,470
"BUT MAMA READY NOW, SO YOU
GONNA HAVE TO GO AND PUT
438
00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:11,427
THAT DICK IN.
I'M READY."
439
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:14,203
"YOU CRAZY AS A MOTHERFUCKER.
440
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,330
"I LOST 15 POUNDS
FUCKING WITH YOU, BIG GIRL.
441
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:18,773
YOU LYING TO A MOTHERFUCKER."
442
00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:20,697
I CLICKED THE LIGHT ON, TURNED
AROUND, COME TO FIND OUT I
443
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:26,030
HAVE STUCK MY
DICK IN HER SIDE.
444
00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:29,303
AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME BIG
GIRLS SWEAT IN THE RIBCAGE.
445
00:23:29,300 --> 00:23:35,070
I HAVE BEEN FUCKING HER IN
THE RIBS FOR 45 MINUTES.
446
00:23:35,066 --> 00:23:39,426
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THEM
THE BEST RIBS I HAVE EVER HAD.
447
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:49,073
I LOVE A
FULL-SIZE--AND I DON'T CARE.
448
00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:51,926
YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE THE FINEST
MOTHERFUCKING--YOU KNOW WHAT?
449
00:23:51,934 --> 00:23:53,534
COME HERE. COME HERE, SWEETIE.
450
00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:57,333
COME HERE. COME HERE, GIRL.
451
00:23:57,333 --> 00:24:02,273
SHOW YOU NIGGAS HOW TO
MAKE LOVE TO A BIG GIRL.
452
00:24:02,266 --> 00:24:06,426
FINE. SO GO ON AND SIT DOWN.
DON'T BE SO ANXIOUS.
453
00:24:08,633 --> 00:24:10,033
PUT BOTH YOUR FEETS UP.
454
00:24:10,033 --> 00:24:13,303
THAT THING GONNA HOLD YOU.
GO ON, GET UP THERE.
455
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:16,270
HEY, KID, DO ME A FAVOR.
DO ME A FAVOR IF YOU CAN.
456
00:24:16,266 --> 00:24:17,926
DO ME A FAVOR.
457
00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,974
GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT'LL
PUT ME AND--WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART?
458
00:24:19,967 --> 00:24:21,027
- MYRA.
459
00:24:21,033 --> 00:24:23,733
- ME AND MYRA BETTER IN
THE MOOD, YOU KNOW.
460
00:24:23,734 --> 00:24:25,904
I'M JUST GONNA ROMANCE HER,
SEE IF I CAN GET SOME AFTER
461
00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,170
"DEF JAM."
462
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:28,426
IS THAT COOL?
463
00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:30,403
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
464
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,070
[PLAYING SLOW MUSIC]
465
00:24:33,066 --> 00:24:35,526
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
466
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:44,630
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
467
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,630
ONE MORE TIME, MY NAME
IS TEDDY CARPENTER.
468
00:25:58,633 --> 00:25:59,833
I LOVE YOU!
469
00:25:59,834 --> 00:26:01,434
"DEF JAM," YOU ARE THE BEST.
470
00:26:01,433 --> 00:26:03,533
BOB SUMNER, I LOVE YOU.
471
00:26:10,166 --> 00:26:13,396
- GIVE IT TO HIM,
MY MAN TEDDY CARPENTER.
472
00:26:16,133 --> 00:26:18,633
TEDDY'S IN THE BACK, GETTING
READY TO LAY DOWN
473
00:26:18,633 --> 00:26:20,603
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
474
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,000
HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
475
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,230
[CHEERING]
476
00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:24,503
THAT AIN'T WHAT I SAID.
Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
477
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,830
STAND UP.
478
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,334
PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE,
479
00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:29,333
RUSSELL SIMMONS!
480
00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:32,733
- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
481
00:26:35,934 --> 00:26:37,674
- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪
482
00:26:37,667 --> 00:26:41,197
♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪
483
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,270
♪ DEF,
DEF, DEF, DEF ♪
484
00:26:43,266 --> 00:26:44,896
♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪
485
00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:47,100
♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪
486
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,730
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE
BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
487
00:27:37,734 --> 00:27:40,734
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
488
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:45,334
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