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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,266 --> 00:00:16,266 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 2 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,470 - YOU GOT TO HAVE MONEY TO TAKE WOMEN TO RESTAURANTS 3 00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:23,197 BECAUSE WOMEN GO TO RESTAURANTS AND LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. 4 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,930 THEY GOT TO ORDER FROM THAT EXPENSIVE SIDE OF THE MENU, 5 00:00:24,934 --> 00:00:26,504 THE SIDE WITH THE STEAK AND THE LOBSTER 6 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,730 AND THE DOM PERIGNON. 7 00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:29,934 GUYS LIKE TO GIVE THEM THAT LITTLE WARNING, TOO, HUH? 8 00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:32,434 "OOH, HONEY, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT'S THE FUCKING SIDE OF THE MENU. 9 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,273 YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?" 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,470 "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 11 00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:40,997 "YOU ORDER FROM THAT SIDE OF THE MENU, SOMEBODY IS FUCKING YOU. 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,570 "UNDERSTAND THAT? 13 00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:43,827 "I'M NOT SAYING IT'S YOU, BUT SOMEBODY WHO LIVE WHERE 14 00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,174 "YOU LIVE IS FUCKING ME. 15 00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:47,666 "YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? IT'S STEAK, LOBSTER, AND DICK. 16 00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:52,127 IT IS A COMBINATION. DAMN RIGHT." 17 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,570 I WONDER IF THERE ARE MEN AND WOMEN AT HOME MAKING LOVE. 18 00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:56,797 SHE'S GOING, "GOD, CAN WE STOP NOW?" 19 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,230 "UH-UH, BITCH. 20 00:00:58,233 --> 00:01:00,403 YOU WANTED THEM CHICKEN WINGS, YOU KEEP GOING." 21 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,730 AND YOU HAD A DOGGIE BAG. 22 00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:04,634 THAT MEANS I'M COMING BACK TOMORROW, GODDAMN IT." 23 00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:12,967 - IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST 24 00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:16,497 D.L. HUGHLEY! 25 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:20,100 TONIGHT'S GUESTS, WIL SYLVINCE... 26 00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:22,400 CORY FERNANDEZ... 27 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,970 AND TED CARPENTER! 28 00:01:24,967 --> 00:01:29,597 AND YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI! 29 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,900 AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST. 30 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:36,170 LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY. 31 00:01:36,166 --> 00:01:38,096 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 32 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,570 - UP ON TOP, MY CAT KID CAPRI DOING HIS THING. 33 00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:47,227 [CHEERING] 34 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:51,230 YOU DOING HIP-HOP RIGHT, MAN? 35 00:01:51,233 --> 00:01:52,733 'CAUSE HIP-HOP IS IN TROUBLE, MAN. 36 00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:54,974 YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, Y'ALL DON'T EVEN BUY SONGS. 37 00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:56,427 Y'ALL BUY RINGTONES. 38 00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,803 WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ALL ABOUT? 39 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,070 YOU KNOW THE SAD THING? 40 00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:01,526 THEY BLAME HIP-HOP, LIKE I SAID, THEY BLAME IT 41 00:02:01,533 --> 00:02:02,633 FOR EVERYTHING. 42 00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:04,073 WE'RE A HYPOCRITICAL-ASS COUNTRY, MAN. 43 00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:07,926 LIKE, YOU CAN'T GO TO WAL-MART AND BUY A HIP-HOP ALBUM THAT 44 00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:10,304 GOT PROFANITY OR VIOLENCE, BUT YOU CAN GO TO 45 00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:11,570 WAL-MART AND BUY A GUN. 46 00:02:11,567 --> 00:02:13,927 AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 47 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,404 CAN'T GET THE NEW 50 CENT JOINT, BUT YOU CAN GET A .357. 48 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,530 AIN'T THAT FUCKED UP? 49 00:02:18,533 --> 00:02:20,873 BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANT TO BAN SONGS ABOUT GUNS BUT DON'T 50 00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,027 NOBODY WANT TO BAN GUNS. 51 00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:23,773 THAT'S A FUCKING DEAL. 52 00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,297 AND Y'ALL KIDS, Y'ALL GOT IT HARDER THAN WE DID. 53 00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:29,630 Y'ALL SOME SOFT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS, I SWEAR TO GOD. 54 00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:31,233 LEAVE KID--WHEN WE WAS GROWING UP, YOU'D LEAVE KIDS 55 00:02:31,233 --> 00:02:32,473 IN THE CAR IN THE SUMMER, AND THEY'D DIE. 56 00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:35,167 WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT? 57 00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:36,896 WE GOT LEFT IN THE CAR IN THE SUMMER, WE DIDN'T DIE 58 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:41,000 BECAUSE HAD A SISTER DRIVING THE FUCKING CAR. 59 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,700 "IT'S HOT. WE'RE IN THE CAR. 60 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:45,270 "ARE WE GONNA DIE? NOT ME. I'M GETTING OUT THE CAR." 61 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,796 MAMA SAID, "I'M TAKING WHUPPING, BUT I'M OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR. 62 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,670 IT'S HOT OUT HERE." 63 00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:53,874 FUCKING KIDS GOT TO HAVE BICYCLE HELMETS ON WHEN THEY 64 00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:55,297 RIDE A FUCKING BIKE. 65 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,870 CRIBS THAT DON'T FALL APART. 66 00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:59,427 WHEN WE WAS GROWING, WE DIDN'T HAVE NO FUCKING CRIB, NO HIGH 67 00:02:59,433 --> 00:03:00,573 CHAIRS WITH STRAPS. 68 00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:01,967 YOUR MAMA DIDN'T HAVE NO FUCKING HIGH CHAIRS. 69 00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:08,067 SHE'D PUT 3 PHONE BOOKS ON A CHAIR, AND YOUR ASS--EITHER 70 00:03:08,066 --> 00:03:09,996 YOU LEARN HOW TO BALANCE, OR YOU GOT A CONCUSSION. 71 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,370 THAT'S THE WAY THAT SHIT WENT. 72 00:03:12,367 --> 00:03:14,197 "I KNOW YOU'RE 6 MONTHS OLD, BUT DO YOU WANT TO EAT, 73 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,200 "OR DO YOU WANT SOME STITCHES? 74 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,030 I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS." 75 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:18,033 WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE NO CRIBS. 76 00:03:18,033 --> 00:03:19,373 SOME OF US SLEPT IN A DRESSER DRAWER. 77 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:22,797 AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 78 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,270 YOUR DADDY COME IN, "GIVE ME SOME DRAWERS, AND SOMEBODY 79 00:03:25,266 --> 00:03:28,396 CHECK ON THE BABY. SHIT." 80 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,830 EVEN MY SON--MY SON 18. 81 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,334 HE COME TO ME THE OTHER DAY AND SAY, "LOOK, DADDY, 82 00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:33,203 I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO GIRLS." 83 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,930 I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT A MUSTANG AND A ROLEX. 84 00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:37,004 WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO SAY?" 85 00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,867 "PULL UP IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL AND PARK, AND SOMEBODY WILL FUCK YOU. 86 00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:43,667 I SWEAR TO GOD THEY WILL." 87 00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:44,697 "YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? 88 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,130 LET ME BORROW YOUR CAR AND YOUR WATCH." 89 00:03:47,133 --> 00:03:49,503 Y'ALL READY TO MAKE THIS THING HAPPEN? 90 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,070 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 91 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,496 THIS CAT IS HAITIAN. 92 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,370 HE'S FROM BROOKLYN, AND THE LAST TIME HE WAS HERE AT "DEF 93 00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:56,867 COMEDY," HE GOT A STANDING OVATION. 94 00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:58,197 ONE OF MY CATS. 95 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,630 PLEASE PUT THEM TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG FOR WIL SYLVINCE. 96 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:03,373 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 97 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,970 - WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? HOW Y'ALL DOING? 98 00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,167 WHERE THE WEST INDIES AT? WEST INDIES, MAKE SOME NOISE! 99 00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:17,596 [CHEERS] 100 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,030 YEAH, MY FAMILY'S FROM HAITI. 101 00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:22,873 THE THING IS, YOU'LL NEVER SEE A HAITIAN PIMP, RIGHT? 102 00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:24,667 BECAUSE TO BE A PIMP, YOUR VOICE GOT TO HAVE THAT 103 00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,667 POWER THAT COMMAND WOMEN. 104 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,427 "BITCH, WHERE MY MONEY, HO?" 105 00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:34,333 EVEN PUERTO RICAN PIMPS--[SPEAKING SPANISH] 106 00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:36,073 PUERTO RICANS, WHEN THEY SMACK THEIR WOMEN, THEIR 107 00:04:36,066 --> 00:04:37,326 HANDS SHAKE. 108 00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:39,333 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 109 00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,567 HAITIANS, WE DON'T HAVE THAT. 110 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,297 Y'ALL SEE A HAITIAN PIMP, THEY HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING 111 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,370 THEIR MONEY BECAUSE THEIR VOICE AIN'T INTIMIDATING. 112 00:04:52,367 --> 00:04:56,427 [HIGH VOICE] "SO YOU TELL ME YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY? 113 00:04:56,433 --> 00:04:59,733 "OH, ARE YOU CRAZY? 114 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:06,104 "WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY? 115 00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,930 "NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME THAT. DON'T TELL ME THAT. 116 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:12,674 "WE HAVE AGWEEMENT. WE HAVE AGWEEMENT. 117 00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:19,227 "YOU WORK MONDAY, TUESDAY. WHY YOU DOING THIS TO US? 118 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:27,003 YOU HAVE 4 DAYS TO HAVE MY MONEY, OR I WILL KILL YOUR FACE." 119 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,900 MY DAD USED TO BUY US TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS THAT BENEFITED HIM. 120 00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,870 HE GOT US, LIKE, HOUSE UTENSILS, AND HE CALLED THEM 121 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:37,667 TOYS, LIKE A BROOM OR A MOP. 122 00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:41,967 "HERE, I BOUGHT YOU A NEW TOY. THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY WITH IT." 123 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,670 "ARE YOU WATCHING? I'M HAVING FUN. 124 00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:50,767 "GO AND ENJOY YOURSELF. 125 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,497 I CANNOT HAVE ALL THAT FUN BY MYSELF." 126 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,230 UH-OH. UH-OH. THAT'S THAT SHIT OH. 127 00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:58,203 WE SAY "UH-OH" WHEN WE'RE SHOCKED OR WHEN SOMETHING 128 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,230 SURPRISES US. 129 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,533 "UH-OH. 130 00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:04,203 "HOW LONG YOU WERE STANDING THERE? 131 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,970 WHAT DID YOU SEE?" 132 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,627 YOU, LADIES. 133 00:06:09,633 --> 00:06:11,433 YOU EVER SEE A GUY WITH A LITTLE WEE WEE? 134 00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:16,833 "UH-OH. NO, NO. WE HAVE TO BE FRIENDS. 135 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:20,604 "THIS A FRIENDSHIP DICK. THIS IS NOT RELATIONSHIP DICK. 136 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,100 UH-OH." 137 00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:28,030 [HIGH VOICE] "WHY YOU--WHY YOU--WHY YOU BRING THIS TO MY HOUSE? 138 00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:31,503 "NO, YOU ARE DISRESPECTING MY PUSSY WITH THIS, OK? 139 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,970 YOU--WHO LET YOU IN HERE?" 140 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,927 UH-OH. 141 00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:39,774 LADIES, DON'T YOU HATE WHEN A GUY BUY YOU A DRINK AND HE 142 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:43,767 FOLLOW YOU ALL AROUND THE DAMN CLUB? 143 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:46,797 YOU EVER GIVE THE GUY THE DRINK BACK? 144 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,970 "THANK YOU. THE CLUB IS NICE. 145 00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:54,597 "THE D.J., HE'S NICE-- MOTHERFUCKER, HERE. 146 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,270 "TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT BACK. 147 00:06:57,266 --> 00:06:59,596 WELL, THEN LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE." 148 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:05,433 GIRL, LET'S TAKE YOUR DAMN DRINK BACK BECAUSE THE WORST 149 00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,873 THING IS IF YOU BUY HER A DRINK, SHE TAKE HER DRINK 150 00:07:07,867 --> 00:07:13,067 AND GO DANCING WITH ANOTHER GUY WITH YOUR DRINK. 151 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:18,166 EVERY 5 MINUTES, SHE LOOK AT YOU AND WAVE. 152 00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:21,426 "BITCH, GIVE ME THAT. THAT WAS FOR US!" 153 00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:22,503 YOU KNOW WHAT WILL KILL YOU? 154 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:24,200 YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART? 155 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,870 WHEN YOU SEE HER DANCING WITH THE OTHER GUY, AND THE OTHER 156 00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,527 GUY WILL TAKE A SIP OF YOUR SHIT. 157 00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,903 "WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOING? 158 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:36,600 I SHOULD KILL BOTH OF Y'ALL, OR GIVE ME $6.50 EACH." 159 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,100 I'M GONNA START TALKING TO GIRLS IN WHEELCHAIRS. 160 00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,830 THEY CAN'T DISRESPECT YOU LIKE--DID YOU EVER SEE A GIRL 161 00:07:42,834 --> 00:07:44,704 DANCING BY HERSELF? 162 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:46,470 AND YOU WALK UP, "HEY, GIRL. HOW YOU DOING?" 163 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,927 "STUPID, I'M NOT GONNA DANCE WITH YOU," AND SHE TAKE OFF. 164 00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:53,404 BOY, YOU FEEL SO... 165 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,600 EVERYBODY JUST SAW THAT SHIT. 166 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,600 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" 167 00:08:00,967 --> 00:08:02,967 A GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR, SHE CAN'T GO NOWHERE. 168 00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:04,327 "HEY, GIRL, HOW YOU DOING? 169 00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,273 "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING? WHERE YOU GOING? 170 00:08:07,266 --> 00:08:08,526 "NO, NO, NO. 171 00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:09,773 "COME BACK, COME BACK, COME BACK. 172 00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,127 "YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCH? SLIDE OVER. 173 00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:13,603 I'LL COME WITH YOU. I'LL COME WITH YOU." 174 00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,730 "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND STOP PLAYING AROUND! 175 00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:27,634 I'LL PAY YOU $20!" 176 00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,573 I DID THAT TO ONE GIRL. SHE GAVE ME HER CHAIR. 177 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:32,127 SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIR, YOU ASSHOLE." 178 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:37,933 "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK? 179 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,804 WHO GOT MY POCKETBOOK?" 180 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,700 NEVER MAKE LOVE TO A GIRL WITH NO FACIAL EXPRESSION. 181 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:52,470 FELLAS, YOU DOING YOUR THING, LIKE, YEAH. 182 00:08:52,467 --> 00:08:54,927 WHOA! MM-HMM. 183 00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:56,704 WHOO! 184 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,400 BUT SHE AIN'T GOT NOTHING. 185 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,830 SHE GOT THE STONEFACE. 186 00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:02,704 SHE GOT THIS FACE RIGHT HERE. THIS FACE. 187 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,800 [TAPPING MICROPHONE] 188 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:22,900 AFTER A WHILE, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE RAPING THIS GIRL. 189 00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:26,370 "HEY, YOU OK? 190 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:30,267 YOU AIN'T GONNA PRESS NO CHARGES OR NOTHING?" 191 00:09:30,266 --> 00:09:32,366 [TAPPING MICROPHONE] 192 00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:48,970 IT'S THE STONE-FACED KILLER! 193 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:50,897 YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP ABOUT THAT JOKE? 194 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:54,870 EVERY GIRL IN HERE KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M TALKING ABOUT, 195 00:09:54,867 --> 00:09:57,297 BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY DON'T DO IT IN YOUR FACE. 196 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,300 THEY DO IT BEHIND YOUR BACK. 197 00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:08,966 IT'S YOUR PUSSY, BABY. 198 00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:13,733 THANKS A LOT. WIL SYLVINCE. 199 00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,774 CANDICE, I LOVE YOU, BABY. 200 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:27,297 - WIL SYLVINCE. FUNNY DUDE. ONE MORE TIME. 201 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:28,830 THAT'S FUCKED UP THE WAY Y'ALL DO US. 202 00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:31,274 IT'S FUCKED UP. 203 00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:32,966 WHEN FELLAS IS YOUNG, THAT SHIT HURTS YOUR EGO. 204 00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:35,197 IT DON'T HURT MY FUCKING EGO. 205 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,200 "I DIDN'T COME." 206 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,770 "WELL, BITCH, YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT UP." 207 00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:41,227 SHIT, THEY DON'T CALL ME "3 MINUTES OF FURY" 208 00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:43,203 FOR NOTHING, GODDAMN. 209 00:10:47,166 --> 00:10:49,466 NOW, YOU HAVE SEEN THIS CAT ON THE "TEENS OF COMEDY." 210 00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:52,397 FROM NEW YORK, A VERY TALENTED YOUNG CAT. 211 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,830 GIVE IT UP FOR CORY FERNANDEZ. 212 00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:57,304 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 213 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,934 - SPANISH PEOPLE, MAKE SOME NOISE. 214 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:12,774 [CHEERING] 215 00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:14,697 PUERTO RICANS, MAKE SOME NOISE. 216 00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,870 [SCANT CHEERING] 217 00:11:16,867 --> 00:11:23,267 A'IGHT. THERE AIN'T NO PUERTO RICANS ON THE WEST COAST. 218 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,026 WE GOT SO MANY PUERTO RICANS BACK HOME IN NEW YORK, WE GOT 219 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:29,273 OUR OWN PARADE. 220 00:11:29,266 --> 00:11:30,896 AND I WENT TO THE PARADE THIS YEAR. 221 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:35,330 I KNOW THIS FROM GOING THAT BLACK MEN LOVE SPANISH WOMEN 222 00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:37,133 BECAUSE THERE BE MORE BLACKS THAN PUERTO RICANS 223 00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:40,273 AT THAT SHIT. 224 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,366 FOR REAL. ALL THE PUERTO RICANS ARE AT HOME LOOKING 225 00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:47,997 AT THE BLACK PEOPLE ON TV WHO ARE AT THE PARADE. 226 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:53,230 MY GRANDMOTHER LOOKING AT THE TV LIKE, "YOU NOTICE EVERY 227 00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:56,103 YEAR WE GETTING DARKER?" 228 00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:02,573 AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE PARADE, I ALWAYS SEE SOMEBODY 229 00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:06,267 I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME, BUT THEY WANT TO ACT COOL 230 00:12:06,266 --> 00:12:09,266 WITH ME LIKE WE HANG OUT EVERY DAY. 231 00:12:09,266 --> 00:12:12,066 THIS DUDE SEE ME AT THE PARADE, LIKE, "YO! 232 00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:14,296 "LOOK AT YOU! 233 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,900 "LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE LIKE THIS! 234 00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:19,400 "YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN! 235 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,170 TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, A'IGHT?" 236 00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:22,366 HE JUST WALKED OFF. 237 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:28,067 I WAS LIKE, "THANKS, DAD. WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN?" 238 00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:32,796 HE JUST KEPT WALKING LIKE HE DIDN'T HEAR ME AND SHIT. 239 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,700 I WAS LIKE, "A'IGHT. IT'S FUCKED UP, DAD." 240 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,300 I TRIED TO SNEAK ALCOHOL TO THE PARADE BECAUSE I WANTED TO 241 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,400 GET FUCKED UP, BUT I DIDN'T WANT THE COPS TO FUCK WITH ME, 242 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,230 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AROUND WITH OPEN CONTAINERS 243 00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:47,873 OF ALCOHOL, SO YOU GOT TO BE SLICK WITH THAT SHIT. 244 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,927 YOU GOT TO TAKE THE ALCOHOL, PUT IT INTO ANOTHER BOTTLE, 245 00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:52,134 THEN YOU SHOW UP WITH THAT BOTTLE. 246 00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:54,773 NOW I'M AT THE PARADE, FUCKED UP. 247 00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:58,697 COPS ARE STILL HARASSING ME, AND I WAS TOO FUCKED UP TO 248 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:02,870 REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE I PUT THE HENNESSY IN THE AQUAFINA BOTTLE. 249 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,400 YOU EVER DO THAT STUPID SHIT? 250 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,230 I'M SO FUCKED UP, I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT. 251 00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:12,273 I'M LIKE, "HA HA HA!" 252 00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:16,196 THE COPS COME OUT, AND I'M LIKE, "CAN I HELP YOU, OFFICER? 253 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:23,870 "OH, THIS IS WATER. I'M NOT LYING TO YOU. 254 00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:27,867 WHY IS IT BROWN? BECAUSE IT'S FROM MEXICO." 255 00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:37,696 YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN YOUR JOB SUCKS? 256 00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:43,270 WHEN YOU SEE A MEXICAN QUIT THAT SHIT. 257 00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:46,596 I WAS AT WORK, LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK? 258 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,470 THEY DO THAT?" 259 00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:52,467 AND THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW THIS DUDE, HE NEVER SPOKE 260 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,427 ANY ENGLISH. 261 00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:58,073 I GO TO WORK, I'M LIKE, "YO, JUAN, CAN I BORROW $5.00, MAN? 262 00:13:58,066 --> 00:13:59,966 "I JUST LEFT MY WALLET AT THE CRIB. 263 00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:02,267 I'M TRYING TO GET SOME LUNCH." 264 00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:04,426 "NO HABLA INGLES." 265 00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:11,527 "SORRY. I MEAN, LO SIENTOS." 266 00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,967 THE DAY HE QUIT, I'M LIKE, "YO, JUAN, WHERE YOU GOING?" 267 00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:18,767 "MAN, FUCK THIS. I'M OUT OF HERE, MAN. 268 00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:20,467 I'M NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT. 269 00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:22,997 FUCK THAT." 270 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,830 I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, THIS JOB SUCKS." 271 00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:30,804 BECAUSE MEXICANS GOT TO BE THE HARDEST WORKERS. 272 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,000 YO, I WENT TO CANADA. 273 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,070 I SAW A MEXICAN IN CANADA. 274 00:14:37,066 --> 00:14:42,996 I WAS LIKE, "YO. THIS DUDE IS NICE. 275 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,600 HOW DID HE SNEAK ACROSS THE BORDER TWICE?" 276 00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,997 "THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT SKILLS." 277 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,670 HE WAS SNEAKING OFF INTO CANADA LIKE THIS. 278 00:14:56,667 --> 00:15:01,127 HE WAS LIKE, "MAN, FUCK THE U.S. I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE." 279 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,600 "I NEED BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD." 280 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,170 "SHIT, WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET SICK? 281 00:15:15,166 --> 00:15:19,626 FUCK THAT." 282 00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:23,773 I'M SPANISH. I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH. 283 00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,227 THAT SHIT SUCKS. 284 00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:31,603 FUCKING FAMILY TALKING BEHIND MY BACK IN FRONT OF MY FACE! 285 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,170 I'M LOOKING AT MY UNCLE LIKE, "I KNOW HE'S TALKING SHIT 286 00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:38,866 ABOUT ME, BUT I CAN'T PROVE THAT SHIT." 287 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:44,467 I'M IN SPANISH CLASS, CHEATING OFF OF THE CHINESE DUDE. 288 00:15:44,467 --> 00:15:47,167 HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I FEEL SORRY 289 00:15:47,166 --> 00:15:50,596 FOR YOUR MOTHER." 290 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,800 "YOU FEEL SORRY FOR WHO?" "NOTHING." 291 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,030 IT'S COOL, MAN. YOU KNOW, I'M ASHAMED THAT I CAN'T SPEAK 292 00:15:57,033 --> 00:16:01,273 SPANISH, SO WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME TO TRANSLATE STUFF, I DON'T 293 00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,726 TELL THEM I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH. 294 00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:06,274 I MAKE SHIT UP. 295 00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,326 I JUST MAKE SHIT UP. 296 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,033 I'LL BE IN THE CLUB. 297 00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:12,433 SOME REGGAE SONG COME ON. 298 00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:16,233 GIRLS COME AND SAY, "WHAT IS HE SAYING?" 299 00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:18,873 "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING? 300 00:16:18,867 --> 00:16:23,367 "THAT DUDE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PRICE OF GASOLINE. 301 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:29,397 LISTEN TO THAT SHIT, STUPID." 302 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,330 WHO MASTURBATES IN HERE? KEEP IT REAL. 303 00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:34,273 [A FEW CHEERS] 304 00:16:37,767 --> 00:16:40,967 RUSSELL SIMMONS RAISED HIS HAND. 305 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,827 A'IGHT. 306 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:50,270 MAN, I TOOK MASTURBATING TO THE NEXT LEVEL. 307 00:16:50,266 --> 00:16:55,726 I MASTURBATED TO PORN ON THE INTERNET. 308 00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,904 THAT SHIT IS SAD. 309 00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,700 LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW SAD THAT SHIT IS. 310 00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:04,570 WHEN YOU GET SO INTO THE PORN, YOU LEAVE THE MOUSE ALONE 311 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:06,927 FOR TOO LONG, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF YOU MASTURBATING, 312 00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:12,734 THE FUCKING SCREEN SAVER POPS UP. 313 00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:15,304 ONE MINUTE, YOU LOOKING AT ASS AND TITTIES, THE NEXT MINUTE 314 00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:18,870 YOU LOOKING AT WINDOWS XP. 315 00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:22,597 AND THAT SHIT CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD, Y'ALL. 316 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,630 I'M CHILLING IN THE CRIB, DOING MY THING. 317 00:17:25,633 --> 00:17:28,373 I'M LIKE, "AH, SHIT." 318 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,370 IF YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH SOMEBODY, CHANGE THE SCREEN 319 00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:53,627 SAVER ITSELF SO INSTEAD OF IT SAYING, LIKE, WINDOWS, CHANGE 320 00:17:53,633 --> 00:17:57,433 THAT SHIT TO A PICTURE OF JESUS LIKE THIS. 321 00:17:59,066 --> 00:18:01,796 HOLY SHIT! 322 00:18:05,266 --> 00:18:06,726 YO, MAN, Y'ALL BEEN WONDERFUL, MAN. 323 00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,034 I'M CORY FERNANDEZ. THANK YOU. 324 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:17,370 ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO MY MAN CORY FERNANDEZ. 325 00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:20,897 FUNNY YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH. 326 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,830 HEY, YO, KID. 327 00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:25,374 YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOUR SON. 328 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:30,127 HE'S AN OUTSTANDING YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER. 329 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,333 FUCKED UP THE WAY YOU DID HIM AT THE PARADE, YOU SON 330 00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:35,133 OF A BITCH. 331 00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:36,633 - BITCH. 332 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,197 - KEEP THAT SHIT UP, YOU GONNA BE RIGHT BACK D.J.ing ICE 333 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,230 CREAM TRUCKS, YOU SON OF A BITCH. 334 00:18:47,233 --> 00:18:49,633 - BITCH. 335 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,000 - I CAN'T STAND LIGHT-SKINNED PEOPLE. 336 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,270 I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T. 337 00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,796 YOU BEIGE FUCKER. 338 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,700 YOU JUST MAD BECAUSE YOUR COLOR AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX. 339 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:11,297 BITCH! 340 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,100 NOW, THIS CAT HERE IS A "DEF JAM" LEGEND IN EVERY SENSE 341 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,370 OF THE WORD. 342 00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:17,197 WHEN I STARTED OUT YEARS AGO, HE WAS THE ONLY COMIC THAT 343 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,970 RIPPED THE STAGE SO HARD, I WENT TO THE 344 00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:20,497 BATHROOM AND PRAYED. 345 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,800 HE IS INDEED A "DEF JAM" LEGEND AND A GREAT 346 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,030 FRIEND OF MINE. 347 00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:26,873 PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TEDDY CARPENTER! 348 00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:29,427 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 349 00:19:37,867 --> 00:19:41,467 [LOUDER CHEERING] 350 00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:47,097 - YOU GOT TO LOVE ME. YOU GOT TO LOVE ME! 351 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:50,730 16 YEARS, MOTHERFUCKING 8 MONTHS, AND 23 DAYS TO GET 352 00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:53,234 ON THE BIGGEST STAGE IN THE WORLD, WHICH IS "DEF JAM," 353 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:55,133 AND THAT'S ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GONNA GIVE ME? 354 00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:56,603 [CHEERING] 355 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,700 COME ON, MAN. 356 00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,170 SHIT. 357 00:19:59,166 --> 00:20:03,126 COME ON, MAN. 358 00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:05,503 I SEE WHITE FOLKS SCATTERED IN "DEF JAM," TRYING TO GET YOUR 359 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,270 STREET CREDIT UP. 360 00:20:08,266 --> 00:20:11,066 "YOU KNOW, I WAS AT DEF JAM, DUDE." 361 00:20:11,066 --> 00:20:12,996 I'M TELLING YOU WHITE FOLKS, I'M TELLING YOU, START HANGING 362 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,270 WITH BLACK FOLKS. 363 00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,226 I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW TO BE THE TRUTH. 364 00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:19,473 YOU ARE IN THE SAFEST PLACE YOU CAN BE AMONGST A GROUP 365 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,627 OF NIGGAS. 366 00:20:21,633 --> 00:20:23,773 THE SAFEST PLACE--I KNOW YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT THE SAFEST 367 00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:24,927 PLACE--YOU KNOW WHY? 368 00:20:24,934 --> 00:20:29,034 BECAUSE BLACK FOLKS DON'T DIE IN GROUPS. 369 00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:30,573 NIGGAS DON'T DIE IN GROUPS. 370 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:33,567 WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD A GROUP OF NIGGAS DYING? 371 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:37,867 KATRINA COULDN'T KILL A GROUP OF NIGGAS. 372 00:20:37,867 --> 00:20:39,697 SOMEBODY COULD COME IN AND SHOOT THIS WHOLE PLACE UP. 373 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,400 ONE NIGGA MIGHT DIE. 374 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,970 EVERYBODY ELSE BE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT TALKING ABOUT, 375 00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:47,127 "I SAW THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHEN HE CAME IN. 376 00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:49,903 I KNEW THAT NIGGA WAS CRAZY WHEN HE--DID Y'ALL SEE HIM? 377 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,900 I SAW HIM, I SWEAR TO GOD." 378 00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:55,000 BIG GIRLS. I LOVE BIG GIRLS. 379 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,500 WHERE MY BIG GIRLS AT IN HERE? 380 00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,770 [CHEERING] 381 00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:00,167 YEAH, MAN. BECAUSE THE BIG GIRLS IS DOWN WITH YOU NO 382 00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:02,396 MATTER WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO COME UP WITH. 383 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,170 NO MATTER HOW FREAKY YOU THINK YOU ARE, 384 00:21:04,166 --> 00:21:06,326 BIG GIRLS DOWN WITH YOUR ASS. 385 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,573 I LOVE THEM MOTHERFUCKERS. 386 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:08,997 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I LIKED BIG GIRLS. 387 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,900 I WAS IN McDONALD'S ONE TIME. 388 00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:12,500 DROPPED MY FRENCH FRIES, BIG BITCH CAUGHT THEM 389 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,500 IN MID-AIR. 390 00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:16,570 JUST CAUGHT THEM AND LOOKED AT ME SAYING, "NIGGA, THERE'S NO 391 00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,727 REASON TO WASTE GOOD FOOD." 392 00:21:19,734 --> 00:21:21,734 I SAID, "GODDAMN." 393 00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,674 I TOOK THAT MOTHERFUCKER HOME, SHE WENT, "$2.75 FOR NO FUCKING 394 00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:26,227 REASON AT ALL." 395 00:21:26,233 --> 00:21:27,603 BIG BITCH JUST SLID. 396 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,830 SHE JUST SLID IN THE DOORWAY, JUST SLID. 397 00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,834 YOU KNOW? CAME IN THE HOUSE. 398 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:35,174 SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA GO GET ON YOUR BED," AND I GOT SCARED. 399 00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:37,126 I SAID, "NO, SIR. YOU LAY YOUR 400 00:21:37,133 --> 00:21:39,333 ASS ON THE FLOOR." 401 00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,373 SOMETHING GONNA GIVE, YOU KNOW. 402 00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:42,567 THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER LAY DOWN. 403 00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,597 TITTIES FELL BETWEEN HER ARMPITS. 404 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,530 LOOKED AT ME DEAD IN MY EYE AND SAID, "NIGGA, GET UP 405 00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:49,273 THERE. GET UP THERE!" 406 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,126 I SAID, "SHIT, I AIN'T NO FUCKING PUNK." 407 00:21:51,133 --> 00:21:52,373 I WENT AND GOT UP ON HER. 408 00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:54,627 I CLIMBED UP ON THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER. 409 00:21:54,633 --> 00:21:57,873 YOU KNOW, LOOKED OFF THE SIDE. 410 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,730 I'VE NEVER FUCKED FROM THIS HIGH UP. 411 00:22:05,734 --> 00:22:09,504 FEET DANGLING ALL OFF. 412 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:10,700 I SAID, "LOOK, I CAN'T FUCK YOU 413 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:13,800 "FROM UP HERE, BUT IF YOU TURN OVER, I'LL PUT 414 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,670 YOUR BIG ASS TO SLEEP." 415 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:18,327 THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER SAID [BLOWS INTO MICROPHONE]. 416 00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:19,773 OH, MAN, SHE TURN THAT THING OVER. 417 00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:21,497 YOU KNOW, SHE TURNED OVER. 418 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:22,930 SHE DIDN'T TURN NO RIGHT AWAY. 419 00:22:22,934 --> 00:22:26,204 YOU KNOW, HAD TO GET A LITTLE MOMENTUM BEHIND HER AND TURN 420 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,830 THAT ASS OVER AND SQUISHED UP. 421 00:22:27,834 --> 00:22:29,304 GOT IN A DOGGIE-STYLE POSITION. 422 00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:34,170 LOOKED LIKE A SMALL VOLKSWAGEN. 423 00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:36,126 I SAID, "LORD, I'M ABOUT TO FUCK 424 00:22:36,133 --> 00:22:40,403 A FULL-SIZED VEHICLE IN MY HOUSE." 425 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,470 CLICKED THE LIGHTS AND GOT MY STUFF READY. 426 00:22:42,467 --> 00:22:43,897 WALKED UP. IT WAS DARK. 427 00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:48,030 I EASED UP ON HER. FELT A LITTLE WET CREASE. 428 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:51,073 I SAID, "YES, SIR, THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS." 429 00:22:51,066 --> 00:22:52,796 DIDN'T HESITATE. YOU GOT TO GO AT A BIG GIRL. 430 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,630 I JUST PULLED HER TO ME. "AAH!" 431 00:22:55,633 --> 00:22:56,833 OH, NIGGA, I WENT TO WORK. 432 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,334 I WAS JUST TEARING THAT ASS UP. 433 00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:01,573 LOST 5 POUNDS FUCKING WITH THIS BIG GIRL. 434 00:23:01,567 --> 00:23:03,167 AN HOUR LATER, I'M PROUD OF MYSELF. 435 00:23:03,166 --> 00:23:04,796 SHE SAID, "TED, YOU ARE A BEAST, NIGGA. 436 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,400 "YOU ARE A BEAST. 437 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,470 "BUT MAMA READY NOW, SO YOU GONNA HAVE TO GO AND PUT 438 00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:11,427 THAT DICK IN. I'M READY." 439 00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:14,203 "YOU CRAZY AS A MOTHERFUCKER. 440 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,330 "I LOST 15 POUNDS FUCKING WITH YOU, BIG GIRL. 441 00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:18,773 YOU LYING TO A MOTHERFUCKER." 442 00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:20,697 I CLICKED THE LIGHT ON, TURNED AROUND, COME TO FIND OUT I 443 00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:26,030 HAVE STUCK MY DICK IN HER SIDE. 444 00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:29,303 AIN'T NOBODY TELL ME BIG GIRLS SWEAT IN THE RIBCAGE. 445 00:23:29,300 --> 00:23:35,070 I HAVE BEEN FUCKING HER IN THE RIBS FOR 45 MINUTES. 446 00:23:35,066 --> 00:23:39,426 AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THEM THE BEST RIBS I HAVE EVER HAD. 447 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:49,073 I LOVE A FULL-SIZE--AND I DON'T CARE. 448 00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:51,926 YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE THE FINEST MOTHERFUCKING--YOU KNOW WHAT? 449 00:23:51,934 --> 00:23:53,534 COME HERE. COME HERE, SWEETIE. 450 00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:57,333 COME HERE. COME HERE, GIRL. 451 00:23:57,333 --> 00:24:02,273 SHOW YOU NIGGAS HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A BIG GIRL. 452 00:24:02,266 --> 00:24:06,426 FINE. SO GO ON AND SIT DOWN. DON'T BE SO ANXIOUS. 453 00:24:08,633 --> 00:24:10,033 PUT BOTH YOUR FEETS UP. 454 00:24:10,033 --> 00:24:13,303 THAT THING GONNA HOLD YOU. GO ON, GET UP THERE. 455 00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:16,270 HEY, KID, DO ME A FAVOR. DO ME A FAVOR IF YOU CAN. 456 00:24:16,266 --> 00:24:17,926 DO ME A FAVOR. 457 00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,974 GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT'LL PUT ME AND--WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART? 458 00:24:19,967 --> 00:24:21,027 - MYRA. 459 00:24:21,033 --> 00:24:23,733 - ME AND MYRA BETTER IN THE MOOD, YOU KNOW. 460 00:24:23,734 --> 00:24:25,904 I'M JUST GONNA ROMANCE HER, SEE IF I CAN GET SOME AFTER 461 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,170 "DEF JAM." 462 00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:28,426 IS THAT COOL? 463 00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:30,403 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 464 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,070 [PLAYING SLOW MUSIC] 465 00:24:33,066 --> 00:24:35,526 [WOMEN SCREAMING] 466 00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:44,630 [WOMEN SCREAMING] 467 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,630 ONE MORE TIME, MY NAME IS TEDDY CARPENTER. 468 00:25:58,633 --> 00:25:59,833 I LOVE YOU! 469 00:25:59,834 --> 00:26:01,434 "DEF JAM," YOU ARE THE BEST. 470 00:26:01,433 --> 00:26:03,533 BOB SUMNER, I LOVE YOU. 471 00:26:10,166 --> 00:26:13,396 - GIVE IT TO HIM, MY MAN TEDDY CARPENTER. 472 00:26:16,133 --> 00:26:18,633 TEDDY'S IN THE BACK, GETTING READY TO LAY DOWN 473 00:26:18,633 --> 00:26:20,603 FOR A LITTLE WHILE. 474 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,000 HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? 475 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,230 [CHEERING] 476 00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:24,503 THAT AIN'T WHAT I SAID. Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? 477 00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,830 STAND UP. 478 00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,334 PUT THEM TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE, 479 00:26:27,333 --> 00:26:29,333 RUSSELL SIMMONS! 480 00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:32,733 - THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 481 00:26:35,934 --> 00:26:37,674 - ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪ 482 00:26:37,667 --> 00:26:41,197 ♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪ 483 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,270 ♪ DEF, DEF, DEF, DEF ♪ 484 00:26:43,266 --> 00:26:44,896 ♪ DEF, DEF, DEF ♪ 485 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:47,100 ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM ♪ 486 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,730 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 487 00:27:37,734 --> 00:27:40,734 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 488 00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:45,334 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37330

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