All language subtitles for Half And Half s03e21 Thorne in My Side.eng

[Door opening]

Hey, I wanted you
to know I put together

the online press
kit for adoniss.

Ok, I would get on
you for not knocking,

but you throw me when
you do work on your own.

Well, I tried calling you from
my office, but your line was busy.

Oh, sorry, Spence. My mom
has been calling all morning,

so I took the phone off the hook.
I can barely get any work done.

She can't be that bad.

I have some faxes for
you. They're all from Phyllis.

Ugh. "Mona, you
only have one mother,

"so pick up the damn phone.

Love, the woman who has stretch
marks because of you. Mom."

Your mother needs
a hobby, like a man.

It's always been
my favorite hobby.

She's been extra needy lately,

and I think she's just reacting to
me spending more time with my dad.

[Rings] It's her.

You should answer it.
It might be important.

Yeah, ma? Wow, I
am glad you called.

Captain midnight just
coughed up a 2-pound hairball.

Actually, she
faxed a picture of it.

It was important to the cat.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Mona, I know you wanted
a quiet evening alone

after a hectic day of
dodging your mother,

so I got you your favorite
Blair Underwood films

since I know how
much you love him.

Wait a minute. You love him.

And so will you as
soon as he flashes

that flawless smile
or rips off his shirt,

whichever you see first.

You are a good little sister.

Your hot chocolate
is right there,

but be careful. Two
big sips of my special

sleepy time mix and
you are crashing like...

Still not quiet.

Oops. Sorry. Just relax.

There is nothing here to disturb

your quiet,
peaceful tranquillity.

Why the hell is it
so dark in here?

I got nothing to do, I
knew you had nothing to do,

so I thought we'd
do it together.

What are we watching?

My nerves shatter
into a million pieces.

Ooh! I haven't seen
that one. Sounds scary.

It is.

Well, you might as
well stick around, too.

Yay! Girls night out, only in.

Bring on the Blair-a-thon.

Oh, Phyllis, I've been
trying to get a hold of you,

but your phone's always busy.

Gee, I wonder who she's calling.

Remember my
professor Martin Wilkins,

he played poker
with us that one time?

You mean the bitter sad sack
going through that nasty divorce

who walks around
with a chip on shoulder,

mad at the world and
disgruntled with life in general?

Yeah, him. He's
very interested in you.

Set it up.

What? He's working, breathing,
and we both hate our exes,

and I never turn down a
free meal from a younger man.

After we eat, I don't have
to share my pepto with him.

Thanks for thinking
of me, Dee Dee.

Where are you going?

I gotta go dust off
my dating clothes

and start shaving
everything I can reach.

[Both laughing]

Oh.

You know, Charles,

it's nice of you to take
the trash out of Mona's,

but you can't just leave big
items like that out on the curb.

So, Martin, I see you're still
honoring your boy scout commitment

by helping a little old lady.

So you're my daughter's
professor. I've heard a lot about you.

And you must be the ex-husband.

I've heard a lot
about you as well.

From the way
Phyllis described you,

I thought you'd be
about two feet tall.

That's just how I felt
when I was married to her.

That's nothing.
When I was married,

I only felt the crumbling
facade of my will to live.

Well, that's all behind you now.

Marty and I are
on our third date.

That's wonderful. Blink
one time if you need help.

A third date with Phyllis.

That explains the
sadness in your eyes.

That's an astigmatism.

My ex-wife took my
glasses in the divorce.

But she left the
best part for me.

Marty and I had
a fantastic night.

It's the longest I've
spent with a woman

without curling up into the fetal
position and clutching my wallet.

Give it time,
buddy. Give it time.

[Door opens]

- Phyllis: Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, hey, ma. You haven't
dropped by in a while.

Whatever you've
been doing, I approve.

Unless it's illegal.

I still approve.

Well, we just wanted to stop
by and say hello to Dee Dee.

And thank her for fixing us up.

All I did was bring two beaten-down,
lonely, desperate souls together.

It's a gift.

You know, Marty, I've always
thought of these two as my girls.

You have?

Yeah. It's like I
have two daughters:

One gives me boyfriends, and
the other one gives me problems.

Those problems fill
your days, old woman.

It was my pleasure. I'm just
glad you two are getting along.

I've had a delightful evening,

except for the awkward
banter in the hall

and the family tension
you could cut with a knife.

However, I must
prepare. In the morning,

I'm giving a tort lecture
on res ipsa loquitur.

Ooh, I love it when
he talks like that.

Now I'm off to my place,

a sad hovel shrouded
in depressing memories.

But I had a lovely
time, Phyllis.

I've never seen anyone eat so much
peel-and-eat shrimp in one sitting.

Turns me on.

Oh, what a night.

But first things first.

I gotta get out of
these support hose.

I got a filet mignon pressing
up against my waistband.

But as soon as I free my flesh,
I will give you all the highlights.

Things are working
out just the way I hoped.

For the professor?

No, with Phyllis. When
professor Wilkins asked about her,

I figured it was the
perfect opportunity

for your mother and I
to share a special bond.

Ok, but just know that being
Phyllis Thorne's daughter

involves 24-hour
access, a daily guilt trip,

and a thumb callous
from coupon clippin'.

I think I can handle it.

[Phyllis, yelling]
Someone get in here.

Mama needs some help
with these pantyhose!

They're stuck around my thighs!

I'll help you, Phyllis!

Oh, word of advice...

Make her stand up so you
have gravity on your side.

You know, picking it up every so
often isn't gonna make the man call.

Well, it's just usually my mom
has called 10 times by now.

Are the phones out?

Oh, she called. To get
Dee Dee's cell number.

They're having lunch
at the rib roundup.

She even bought your sister
a pair of size zero eating pants.

She did? I haven't gotten any
new eating pants since Christmas.

Well, the more time Dee
Dee spends with Phyllis,

the more time you
have to yourself.

Now you can date, work
out, fix yourself up a little.

You're bringing me down. Are
you trying to take my mom's place?

Aw, don't worry.
I'm here for you.

You know you can
always count on me.

I'm your rock. Huh?

Thanks, Spence. It's nice
to know you'll always...

Ooh, sandwich cart's here.

Rock's gotta eat.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee, what'd
you want to show me?

I needed your opinion on
something before Phyllis gets back.

What? Ma was here?

She didn't even
stop by to say hi.

Well, she was in a hurry. She's
taking the professor on a costco run.

He needed a patio chair, an eye
exam, and a tall pack of deodorant.

And she's getting
me king crab legs.

King crab? She only gets
me imitation fish sticks.

I wanted to know if you
think Phyllis would like this.

You got my mom a cat scrapbook?

Complete with "if they
could see me meow" stickers.

Since we started connecting,

I thought it would be nice
if I supported her interests.

Don't you have your own
dysfunctional mother to tend to?

Mona, are you jealous?

Dee Dee, are you crazy?

You don't my mom like I do.
She will turn on you on a dime.

Now, I know
Phyllis can be tough.

Oh, you grew up
with a lot of things,

but my mother's toughness
is not one of them.

Well, contrary
to what you think,

I found Phyllis to be one
of the sweetest, kindest,

and most gentle
women I've ever known.

Do you know what the
hell kind of day I had?

Marty Wilkins had the nerve
to show up at my doorstep

with a pillow and the
luggage he bought at costco.

He said it was time to take
our relationship to the next level

and cohabitate.

So what happened?

What happened? I'll
tell you what happened.

I told him I fell for
that crap with ray

and I wasn't gonna
fall for it again.

Then I went ghetto on his tail
and tossed his sorry butt out.

And do you know
what that fool did?

She's about to tell you.

I'll tell you what he did.

I just got a call
from animal control.

He turned me in to the city!

I got 5 cats. That's one
cat over the legal limit.

Now I got to get
rid of one of them.

And do you know who I
have to thank for this mess?

You.

That's what I affectionately
like to call "the turn."

Me? Why me?

Because you hooked
me up with that evil,

animal-hating man
in the first place.

Now that clingy big word user has
me getting rid of one of my babies.

Well, thanks a lot, Dee Dee.

And I want my eating pants back!

Hey, you wanted to be
treated like a daughter.

It ain't all king crab, sister.

I can't make it without my cats,

and they can't
make it without me.

Captain midnight is diabetic,

Valentino suffers
from depression,

eartha kitty is bulimic,

commander paws
has anxiety issues.

And then there's Fred.

He licked himself bald.

And Fred can't make it
without commander paws.

Wow. I don't know
what's more scary,

the fact that you have five cats or
that you took the time to diagnose them.

Well, I wouldn't be going through
any of this if it weren't for your sister.

Don't worry, ma,
we'll figure this out.

One daughter may
have lost one of your cats,

but the other will help
you find it a good home.

Hey, why can't you keep one?

Because... every
time I looked at it,

it would just remind me of
the horrible, horrible injustice

that has been done
to you by Dee Dee.

Ooh. I knew I shouldn't have
gotten close to a Dee Dee.

From now on, we don't say their
names. We just use their initials.

No, wait. Damn those...

You know the cows
I'm talking about.

And it all just went so wrong.

I don't know how to
fix things with Phyllis.

You can't fix things
with that woman.

I tried for years. Sometimes
I still wake up screaming.

And why on earth do
you want to fix things?

I mean, if you ask me,
this is a wonderful situation.

One we should celebrate
with Tequila shooters.

How about some
imported Russian caviar?

I know you bought some.

I saw the charge when I
paid your credit card bill.

You two are not helping me.

Mother, don't you have one of
those crazy stories to tell me?

The time... blah, blah, blah.
The place... blah, blah, blah.

Don't mock mother, dear.

You can't expect me to fix every
problem or teach you every lesson.

I mean, I taught you never to take
candy from strangers. Or Phyllis.

No running with scissors.
Unless you're chasing Phyllis.

I can't believe I
got myself into this.

Honey, the only suggestion
I have is to talk to Mona.

If you can find a
15-minute window

when Phyllis isn't sprawled on
the couch eating a bag of pork rinds.

Ha ha ha!

Well, Mona is having
too much fun being right.

I guess I'm just gonna have
to resolve this situation myself.

That's good, dear. Do you
know what helps us think clearly?

Tequila.

What? I had some earlier,
and I'm thinking quite clearly.

I'm sorry, Ms. Thorne. We're
just waiting for the president.

As soon as he gets
here you can begin.

Had I been elected president,
we would have started on time,

but Mrs. Brewster in 3-c voted
twice and then suspiciously moved.

[Motor humming]

Ok, people, what
have we got tonight?

Anything juicy?

[Sigh] We're dealing with
the Phyllis Thorne matter.

If I were president, I
would have read my agenda

before I scooted
into the meeting.

You lost, Angela, get over it.

Now let's talk about that
big-mouthed broad with all the cats.

About said broad, sir, Ms. Thorne
loves her five cats very much.

Now, I'm aware that
the city of San Francisco

has a very strict pet policy.

However, upon
further investigation,

I discovered that this board could
override the city by a unanimous vote.

Can we move this along?

It's water aerobics
night down at the pool,

and I want to try to
get as close as I can

to the babe with the
big chimmy-chugas.

She likes to nuzzle.

[Angela] Clearly, you're
not aware that our policy

is stricter than the
city's... One pet per person.

I know. I introduced
the legislation.

One pet per person?

So she isn't just over
the limit by one cat,

she's over by four.

You're not very good
at math, are you?

You know, let's revisit this
topic after you've been nuzzled.

So not only does catwoman
have to get rid of four felines,

she owes us $500
for each violation.

[Reggie] Yeah. That's
$2,000. Just enough to install

a non-slip ramp down
to the laundry room.

Now I don't have
to wear a helmet.

And for turning Phyllis in, you get
your picture in the monthly newsletter

with our president.

At least until
the next election.

Say cheese, shorty.

Oh, come on, guys, I wouldn't
ask you to take my mom's cat

if I weren't desperate.

I don't like cats.
Unless it's on stage

and I have a date with one
of the dancers after the show.

And I'd help you out, but
I already have smokey.

I'm a one-cat man. Besides,
you know how she is.

She gets real possessive.

Spencer, smokey's a boy.

Oh, my gosh. She's a he?

I let him lick my toes.

I told you you'd like it if
you just gave it a chance.

It was a cat, Adam, not a dude.

A cat! A cat!

Hey, Mona.

I'm in big trouble. Things
are spinning out of control.

Oh, but isn't Phyllis
"the sweetest, kindest,

most gentlest person
you've ever known"?

I should have known that you
would throw that back in my face.

And I should have known better
than to come to you for help.

Huhh.

Dee Dee, why don't we go in
my office so we can talk about this.

That's better.

[Mona sighs deeply]

Dee Dee, why is being close to
my mother so important to you?

It's not even that
important to me.

Mona, growing up I never spent
that much time with your mom.

She'd drop you off,
insult my mother,

pick you up, and
insult my mother.

That's not fair. Sometimes
she cursed out dad, too.

I know. That's how I learned
the term "trifling negro."

Anyway, when I
moved into the building,

I saw it as a chance to get
closer to both you and your mom.

I conquered you,
and now you love me,

and I want the same
thing with Phyllis.

I know you do, and I
could've been more helpful.

I guess I'm just
feeling kind of jealous.

Well, you won't be when
you know the situation I'm in.

Because when Phyllis finds out what
I did, she's gonna kill me, Bury me,

and not tell anyone
where my little body is.

Wow, you really have
gotten to know her.

Well, we've got no one
to take my mom's cats.

What if we declare
Phyllis legally blind

and make eartha
kitty a seeing eye cat?

You think your mom can get the
cat to lead her across the street?

My mom can't even get eartha to
stop peeing on captain midnight.

Hey, maybe the cats could
live at the Thorne mansion.

Please! They'd end up as wigs.

Except for bald Fred.

The best he could
make is a skullcap.

[Door opens]

There you are.

Look at the headline on
my condo's newsletter.

"Catwoman breaks
property claws."

C-l-a-w-s.

Oh, I get it. Clause,
that's kind of clever, right?

No, oh, no, no.

And guess who
ratted catwoman out!

What a pretty woman
I've never seen before.

I also got a notice telling
me I owe them 2 grand,

thanks to you.

Phyllis, I can explain.

Can you explain it to my 5 cats

why I gotta put them in the bathtub
and fight it out gladiator-style?

That's better than
anything we came up with.

See, this is what I get
for getting too close to you.

Now, wait a minute, ma.
Let's look at this another way.

Yes, another way.

Did I say you could speak?

Go ahead, and
this better be good.

There is an upside to all this.

In fact, the more
I think about it,

it's a terrific opportunity.

How?

Well, this whole cat
situation is a sign.

It's time for a change,

and the only solution
out of it is to move.

I thought I told you
this had to be good.

Yeah! I thought she told
you this had to be good!

Oh, I spoke. Sorry.

If you move, you
can keep all your cats.

And leave behind the ghosts of
ray and all your past relationships.

I mean, let's face it, ma,
it's time for a new start.

So you're telling me I
have to pack up all my stuff,

leave the only home I've
known since I left your father,

and change over my whole life?

That's a great idea.

It is? Well...

When we moved to a new place,

it did help me get over
your father and the divorce.

I got a whole new
outlook, my career took off,

and we did ok.

And if you move,
you'll be more than ok.

Well, then that's
it. I'm gonna move!

Thank you, baby!

Ohh!

You do know I'm Dee Dee?

Yeah, why are you hugging her?

She almost had your
cats fighting to the death.

Well, if she hadn't fixed
me up with the professor,

it wouldn't have started
the chain of events

that's leading me
into a whole new life.

Aww... that is true.

You know, I'm feeling
very close to you right now.

Well, I gotta go pack.

Mona, get your weight belt

and meet me behind
the food 4 less store.

It's box day.

Unbelievable. I totally bail
you out and what do I get?

I tell you what I
get, I get nothin'!

That's our mother.

- Double 3's!
- [Cell phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, ma. Where are you?

She wants us to
look out the window.

Ok, this had better be good.

Hey, I see her.
She's waving at us

from that window
across the street.

What? What do mean you're
thinking of renting that apartment?

We have got to stop our mother.

Our mother? That's your mama.

[Theme music playing]

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