All language subtitles for Half And Half s02e10 Bitter Shower.eng

[Knock on door]

Mona, can I talk to you?

Oh, can it wait?
I'm late for work.

Hey! I hobbled down here
with wet toenails to tell you this,

and I already
smudged my little piggy.

Fine. You've got one minute.

Ok. You know my
favorite cousin Barbara

who works as a chef in New York,

always been like the big
sister I never had growing up?

Hello? You did have
a big sister growing up.

Yes, but when Barb and
I played hide and seek,

she actually looked for me.

Hey, you had fun your way.

I had fun mine.

Anyway, when I invited her

to my mother's baby shower,

she insisted on catering it,

and mom's loved her desserts

ever since Barbara's
easy bake oven days.

Wow. It's hard to be a whiz

with a 30-watt bulb.

I just drank the batter.

And she's dying to meet you.

I e-mailed Barbara
a picture of you,

and she loves the way you dress.

Well, I like her already.

Glad to hear it, because my
place is gonna be so crowded,

she's staying with you.

[Quickly] Oh, look,
my minute's up.

Don't want you
to be late. See ya!

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ohh. Heh, heh, heh!

Why does big Dee
Dee keep inviting me

to all her stupid parties?

It's a baby shower!

She's trying to make you
feel included and welcomed,

plus Dee Dee made her.

I figured as much.

That's why I'm giving her this.

Ma, that's the foot bath I
gave you last Christmas.

Correction. This is a
brand-new baby jacuzzi.

Got a box?

Don't you have somewhere to be

other than here right now?

You just don't
want me to be here

to meet Dee Dee's
cousin Barbara.

No. It's just she's my guest,

and I wanna make a
good first impression,

which is why I
don't want you here

to meet Dee Dee's
cousin Barbara.

I'm not gonna embarrass you.

I have some class, you know.

Hey, if you don't have a box,

I can just wrap it with a
hefty bag and a twist tie.

Hello, all!

I'd like you to meet Barbara.

Hi. I'm Mona.

Oh, Dee Dee's told
me so much about you.

I feel like I know you.

I like her hair.

I'll get the rest of your bags.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

I'm not allowed to
say any more than that

because my daughter's
ashamed of me.

And you've gotta be Phyllis.

So, Barbara,

Dee Dee tells me you
make a mean peach cobbler.

It's just the good
home-cookin' I grew up with.

But as a chef I don't
get to lick the bowl clean.

The health department
tends to frown on that.

So, Barb, as a sophisticated
woman with impeccable taste,

do you think this could
pass as a baby jacuzzi?

Uh, no.

What do you know?

Ahh. You're spoiling me.

You didn't have to
drive me to work, park,

and ride with me
in the elevator.

Actually, I did.

I need to get my paycheck.

I knew that.

Oh, and don't forget my friend
Zach's gallery opening tomorrow.

What do you wear
to something like that?

Something tres chic.
Not too avant-garde.

Got it!

You have no idea what
she just said, do you?

Not a clue.

But I'm hoping my baby-blue
pelle pelle does the trick.

Well, if your trick
is drawing ridicule,

then your trick
will do the trick.

Man, I never know what to wear

or how to act when I'm
with Camille's friends.

I'm just afraid she'll think I'm not
good enough to hang with her crowd.

Mmm. What you need is
a quick image makeover.

And I know just
the person to do it.

Me.

Mr. Green-plaid tiny pants?

I don't think so.
Mmm, that's my look.

For you, I'm thinking
urban meets Armani

sprinkled with a
soupcon of shaft.

I don't know about the look,

but I am kind of
hungry for some soup.

I have my work cut out for me.

We should start without delay.

[Sighs] I guess I
could use some help.

But if you try to put
eyeliner on me, it's over.

I promise you, this overhaul
will be strictly macho.

Yay! This is gonna
be so much fun!

Big Dee Dee: Hello, hello.

I promised your father I wouldn't
buy one more maternity outfit,

so I bought 2.

Oh, aunt Dee, you
haven't changed!

Mmm, yes, I have.

I look like I ate Miami.

Mom, Barbara and I were talking

about what kind of cake
you want for the shower.

Is not having a shower
at all one of my options?

No! Your friends are coming
to celebrate the new life

you're bringing into the world.

They're coming to
see how big I am.

And to rub my stomach.

Why is it people think
they have the right

to invade my space
and to touch my belly?

It's just rude, and it's
gettin' on my nerves.

You haven't seen rude

till you try to cancel the
shower I've worked on

day and night for
the last 6 weeks.

Now, you are gonna show up,

shake some hands, and
play "guess that baby food,"

and you're gonna like it!

Somebody has low blood sugar.

Sorry. Mom, I just want
this shower to be special.

So let's talk cake.

I was thinking of something
simple in a lemon chiffon.

With fondant icing laced with
fresh lilies and marzipan fruits.

Oh.

I was thinking a sheet cake

with a little black
plastic baby on top.

Mmm-mm-mm!

Enjoying the peach cobbler?

I haven't looked up
in the last 10 minutes.

Does that tell you anything?

I'm glad you like it.

There's plenty left. No
shame in having seconds.

This is my third.
Any shame in that?

If there were, I'd
be out of business.

Mona, I have to tell
you, I love your place.

Thanks for the hospitality.

Oh, which reminds me...

This is for you.

Ooh! [Laughs]

Ohh.

I am not my mother:
A woman's guide

to not becoming the
woman she fears most.

From everything Dee Dee told
me about you and your mom,

I thought that would be perfect.

Really?

What exactly did she say?

Not much.

Just that you're
afraid to get married

because if it doesn't work out,

you'll end up like your
mother, which I understand,

because divorce made
my mother bitter, too.

That's a lot of not much.

Which is how I knew
you'd love that book.

See, once you read it, you won't
have to spend unshowered weekends

in your robe with
haagen-dazs and spongebob.

Dee Dee told me about that, too.

Of course she did.

And if you follow the tips to
breaking the cycle of bitterness,

you might finally be
able to attract a man.

I'll take that fourth
bowl of cobbler now.

Do you have anything that
doesn't have "Nike," "Sean John,"

or "fubu" printed on it?

Nope.

Look, I said you could help me.

I never agreed to
Mary-Kate and Ashley.

It's George and Matt.

And we can hear you.

I had to call for backup.

Matt's an expert
in social graces,

and George is your
health and beauty guru.

It takes a village, Spence.

How is it I can go through
your entire bathroom

and the only thing I find
resembling a beauty product

is a family-sized
tub of vaseline?

I use it as a face cream,

a hair grease,
and a body lotion.

Good lord, man. You might
as well be slathering in pennzoil!

It works.

Yeah, no, it doesn't.

[Knock on door]

Hey! Wanna help me stick these
little storks onto the gift bags?

How 'bout I just
use the glue gun

to stick your lips
together instead?

How could you tell your cousin
how I feel about my mother?

She gave me a book about it.

I was humiliated.

I only told Barbara because she
feels the same way about her mom.

I didn't realize it
was such a big deal.

Oh, so when I said,
"don't tell anybody,"

you thought I meant
"go tell everybody"?

Mona, I simply applied
the one-person rule.

Everybody knows
when you're told a secret,

you're allowed
to tell one person.

If everybody told one person,

then everybody would
know everybody's secrets.

Ok, so the rule has a flaw.

And it wasn't just a secret.

This is a personal issue

that I am still struggling with,

and I don't want miscellaneous
people knowing about it.

But Barb's not miscellaneous.

You're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting.

Just when I open up to you,
you prove you're not worthy of it.

I thought sisters were supposed
to be able to confide in one another.

They are, and you can!

Well, clearly, I can't.

I trusted you, but I won't
make that mistake again.

I make a pretty
good cobbler myself,

Mona's favorite until you
and your imported spatula

rolled into town.

Ohh...

My god.

It's passable.

Well, al roker seemed to
like it on the today show.

Almost popped a staple.

But if you don't really...

Oh, it seems a
shame to waste food.

Enjoy. I need to get
ready for the shower.

Ohh. Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Mmm.

Hey, baby, where have you been?

I picked up a shower gift,

and I want you to take it
for me because I'm not going.

The hell you are.

If I'm going to this monster's
ball, you're going, too.

"Happy birthday, baby Thorne.

"If you have any secrets,

keep them close to your bib"?

What does that mean?

I'm not talking about it.

Who sent the flowers?

Dee Dee. They're for you.

Oh.

Ooh, drama! [Giggles]

Finally a reason to
go to that shower.

4 words you must never forget:

All: Tom Ford for Gucci.

I gotta say,

my ass looks good in these.

Must be the 4% lycra.

[Voice cracking] It's like
watching a child take his first steps.

Ok, you're trying
to impress Camille

by ordering her a glass of wine.

She's having steak.

Which do you choose,

Merlot...

Chardonnay, or chablis?

Mmm.

Whichever is the cheapest?

Cancel your spin class, ladies.

We're gonna be here a while.

Now, we're gonna do
this in one fluid motion.

I-Is it gonna hurt?

Nah. You're a man.

Aaaah!

I love it when they
whimper like girls.

And remember to always
open the door for your lady.

It shows you're polite while displaying
your newly manicured fingernails.

Hey, I'll get my nails buffed,

but I'm not gettin'
that clear pimp Polish,

so don't even ax me.

Aah! [Gasps]

What?!

Tell me he did
not just say "ax."

I'm not getting that
clear pimp Polish,

so don't even ask me.

All: Ahh.

Dee?

I want you to know we canceled
our trip to Venezuela this year.

We can't do Caracas without you.

Hilary, that's incredibly sweet.

And I might add your eye
work healed magnificently.

Thank you.

And you are just glowing!

That's what they
say. Enjoy the party.

So...

Mom, are you having fun?

They're touching me!

I thought you put in the
invitation "no touching"!

These are your closest friends.

They're just trying
to make a connection.

And if one more person
touches my stomach,

I'm going to connect my
foot to their sagging buttocks.

Big Dee Dee: Phyllis.

Want to touch my stomach?

Sorry. I left my
10-foot pole at home.

Mona, I'm glad you came.

I didn't come for you. I
came for my unborn sibling.

Ok. Mona told me what happened,

but it's only fair I hear
your side of the story.

So take it from the
part where one of you

did something to the other

and you don't want me to know.

Phyllis, that may have
worked when I was 5

and you wanted to know how
much my mother's ring cost,

but not today.

So, Barbara,

it's such a shame what's going
on between Dee Dee and Mona

and all over
something so trivial.

And it's all because
of that stupid book.

The book. Of course. We
all know about the book.

It's what happened after
the book that's so disturbing,

but of course, your take on it
might be completely different.

This is totally my fault.

It just started out
as a conversation

about how much Mona
and I have in common.

In common? I totally agree.

Like what?

Well, like our
views on marriage.

I wasn't sure it
was for me, either.

I mean, I love my mom,

but I was scared
of ending up bitter,

jaded, and surrounded
by cats like her.

So you and Mona bonded over
your bitter, jaded, cat-lovin' mothers?

I think I smell
something burning.

Ma, where are you going?

To heckle young brides at
the nearest wedding chapel.

That's what we bitter mothers do

after a long day of
scarring our daughters.

I haven't seen you in so long!

Oh, my gosh,
you're ready to burst.

I have to touch your belly.

No-o-o-o!

Let's see how you like it.

How 'bout if I touch you here?

Ooh! And here!

And here! Ooh! Aah!

Well...

I'm relaxed and ready
to enjoy the party now.

So who's up for baby bingo?

Ma, I'm sorry.

I know you're mad, but...
who's mad? I'm not mad.

I'm bitter, I'm jaded, and I loves
me some cats, but I'm not mad.

Well, I am.

This never should've
come out like that.

You mean from a total stranger

who thinks I'm a total loser

who destroyed
her daughter's life?

Don't blow this
out of proportion.

I'm just...

I'm not sure if marriage
is for me, that's all.

I had no idea my
feelings about divorce

had affected you so much.

Oh, come on, ma, for years you
wore black on your anniversary.

It's very slimming.

Even the veil?

I mean, what message do
you think that sent to a little girl?

Mona, I taught
you a lot of things.

Certainly didn't mean to
teach you to fear marriage.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I mean, there are plenty of couples
with happy, successful relationships.

I just always resented those
people and kept them away from you.

For years, I thought
all adults were angry.

Well, I want you to know
I'm not angry anymore.

And I'm starting to
make some real progress.

Well, they do say the first
25 years are the hardest.

And that is so true.

But I'm beginning to get
over what happened to me,

and you need to get over
what happened to me, too.

Well, I'll try if you will.

And just for the record, it was
never really marriage I hated.

It was your father.

Thanks, fellas. I
look good. [Chuckles]

Real good.

Finally, we see the
man behind the do-rag.

And it was all worth it just
to see that glow on your face.

That's not vaseline, is it?

No. That would be
my new exfoliating

and moisturizing
anti-aging serum.

Brava.

Camille is going
to love the new you.

And if she doesn't,

here's my number.

Call me?

[Door buzzer]

Greetings.

Spencer, what have
you done to yourself?

I told you to expect
something different tonight.

Did you wax your eyebrows?

And I'm ok with that.

So...

Do I look like a man
you would be proud

to have on your arm
in front of your friends?

Is that what all this is about?

I'll tell you what.

There's one thing
I might tweak a bit.

Yeah?

What about the
shiny new Spencer?

Mmm, he's ok,

but this is the man

I am proud to have on my arm.

What's wrong?

Baby, they took
the hairs off my toes!

I can't believe you're close
friends with Lenny kravitz.

How did you get him
to come down here?

Uh, Lenny ain't comin'.

But Dee Dee's here.

What is it with you two?

You both have the
"mess with Mona" gene?

Yeah, that's it. Now, sit down.

Come on, Mona. I
got a pitcher of sangria

and a straw.

Fine, but I'll only be here
as long as the sangria is.

See, isn't this nice?

Sisters. Family. Forgiveness.

Maybe some nachos?

What? I'm hungry.

Mona, I'm sorry I
betrayed your trust.

I wish I could take
it back, but I can't.

She's the only
sister you've got,

so what are you gonna do, not
speak to her for the rest of your life?

[Slurping]

Watch me.

Mona!

I just shouldn't have
trusted you, that's all.

But you can trust me!

That's right. I've told Dee Dee

plenty of stuff over the years.

She's the person I
trust most in the world.

Oh, you mean you trust her

with stuff like
how that bikini wax

made you chafe really bad?

You told her that?

It may have come up.

And I also know the summer
you said you were in France,

you were at fat camp.

I was 12 with high cholesterol.

And I guess fat
camp really paid off

since you worked
at that topless bar

to pay for culinary school.

Damn, Dee Dee.
You dohave a problem!

She just told one person.

I think I'm going to
enjoy this drink at the bar.

Thanks a lot, Mona.

So is it over? Are we even now?

Actually, I think I'm
winning. [Laughs]

Oh, my god, I have 7
of the 10 warning signs

of turning into my mother.

That's not true. You're
definitely not number 5.

Excuse me, I just started
sticking kleenex up my sleeves.

Just in case.

No, you haven't.

Well, since there's
no hope in saving you,

let's focus on saving me.

Then I think we should start

by changing your
name, little Dee.

Whoo-hoo! Ha, ha, ha.

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