All language subtitles for Half And Half s01e13 Condom Nation.eng

[Sighs] Mona, finally...

You know, I like to take
showers with my clothes off,

but that's just me.

Remind me never to stand
next to Dee Dee in a downpour.

Seems I was in the way of all the
men rushing to offer her their umbrellas.

She still out there?
She still need one?

I think she's covered.

Now, let's face it.
Dee Dee's charmed,

and I walk around with a
dark cloud over my head.

Tell me the truth, Spence.

Am I the unluckiest
person you know?

Living or dead?

Oh.ok, forget I asked.

But I think I got something that
will make you feel a lot better.

Let me just whip it out. Whoa,
Spencer, I've seen it before,

and I was not that impressed.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...

I told you the jacuzzi was cold.

But this is something else.

Oh, my god! This is a check
for $5,000 made out to me!

It's your bonus...

Since Dante went platinum.

See? Maybe your
luck is changing.

Maybe you're right.

Well, at least I can
buy an umbrella now.

Hell, I can buy a guy
to hold my umbrella.

[Laughs] How much you payin'?

Uhh![laughs]

♪ through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you
and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪
♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪
♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our
feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So I urge you to
cogitate over this material.

If not, you might
find that it has

a deleterious
effect on your future.

For it is imperative that one not
only know the letter of the law,

but also the spirit of it.

Write that down, son.

Your parents did not
mortgage their home

so you could daydream
about your next piercing.

"The life of the law
has not been logic,

but experience."

Now, who spoke those words

and to what was he referring?

Miss Thorne?

That was Oliver
Wendell Holmes Jr.,

and he was referring to courts
adapting to a changing society.

You seem pretty
confident of that.

I am.

I've read everything
there is about him.

Well, in English...
And a little French.

You are correct, miss
Thorne. Well done.

"The evidence has spoken.

Now the people must speak."

Not part of your
assigned reading,

but I'm going to
challenge you anyway.

Miss seymore?

Earl Warren in
mellon v. Us steel?

Not even close.

Mr. Kramer?

Uh, uh, Clarence
darrow in Davis v. Hall?

No...

And I'm sorry I woke you.

Let's see if we
can end my misery.

Miss Thorne?

Helen gamble in the practice.

Correct.

That show's my
favorite guilty pleasure.

Love that Eugene.

Yes, miss seymore?

Professor Wilkins, certainly you
cannot expect serious students

to keep up with what's on TV.

And just as certainly,
miss seymore,

you must remember we
live in the world, not in books.

You might want to follow
miss throne's example.

It could help
you win in court...

Or in a bar wager.

[Laughs]

You may all feel free to laugh.

Yes, well, on to
your next assignment:

A moot court competition
worth 50% of your grade.

I've posted the pairings
and cases by the door.

Any questions?

Good.

Now I'm off to deliberate
on the seminal issue

of tanqueray v. Tonic.

That's the last time I waste my
"a" material on first-year students.

Oh, honey, it was
so sweet of you

to treat us to lunch
and a shopping spree.

Yeah, being close to
Mona finally paid off.

I've been waiting
8 years for this.

You? I've been waiting a lifetime
for this girl's luck to change.

Thanks for hanging in there, ma.

[Chuckles] Gettin' in.

But how great was it that
when I tried on clothes,

everything fit? Even
those itty-bitty juicy pants.

What happened to your sofa?

I was giving myself a facial

while drinking grape juice
and eating guacamole.

Multitasking... Not
one of my strong suits.

But the good news
is, I found someone

to reupholster the cushion
quickly and cheaply.

See? Your good luck continues.

I know, but it does
feel kind of weird.

Usually, in Mona-land, it's only a
matter of time before the other shoe drops.

Talk about looking a
gift horse in the ass.

Oh, I'm not complaining. I'm going
to ride this pony as long as I can.

Yee-haw!

While you're riding,
can you pay to activate

a brother's new cell phone?

8 years, Mona.

8 years.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee.Hey.

Check this out. I was
hanging with my friend Ellen,

I complimented her necklace,

and she gave it to me...

For keeps. This is mine.

Hello? Gemstones.

Look at the bling.

I'm sorry. It's beautiful.
But I'm a little distracted.

I'm having trouble
with this assignment.

You'rehaving
trouble? There's a first.

I went to do my research,
and the pages I needed

had been ripped out
of the case law book.

And then all the websites I
need have been crashed for hours.

I just hope they come back up
soon so I can get my beauty sleep.

Otherwise, I'll be forced to go
to class looking all... Normal.

Normal?

Young lady, don't you ever let me
hear you using the "n" word again.

Hello, gumdrop.Hey.

Dee Dee, stop what you're
doing. You're going to be my date

for a big movie premier, starring
Tom somebody and Mira something.

All I know is
there's a red carpet,

and I look good on it.

Well, why isn't
daddy going with you?

Ugh, that man!

He's entertaining some
of his real estate clients,

which means him and
4 texans at a strip joint.

I'm sorry, mom.
I can't go either.

I've got to finish
this research.

Well, I can't very
well go by myself.

Going to a premier
alone is pathetic.

Hey, honey bee, now I know you won't have
time to do anything with that hair, but...

Would you join me for
this evening's soiree?

Me? her?

Yes. then yes.

Wait. Did you just invite
me to a big society to-do?

She did. I heard her.

And did I just say I'd go?

You did. I heard you.

I can't believe this.

Youtaking me out in public?

It's a world gone mad.

Well, I better paint my face

and throw on my fancy rags.

That's just an expression, mom.

Oh, thank god.

Excellent presentation,
gentlemen,

you're well on your way to
being hated by your peers

and loved by your trophy
wives. Congratulations.

I see we have time
for one more argument.

Miss Thorne?

You and miss seymore may begin.

Um... I'm not prepared
to go forward at this time

due to extenuating
circumstances.

Please illuminate the court.

That's me.

Um, while preparing,

I realized that the pages
pertinent to my case

were ripped out of the book.

I then did a thorough web search

and found that all
sites were crashed.

I was up till the wee
hours of the morning,

which is, by the way,
why I look like this.

You look perfectly normal.

Exactly.

Your honor, I'd like to
request an extension.

Miss seymore? I take it
you had similar difficulties.

No, your honor, I'm
ready to proceed.

I guess some of us
are just more thorough.

What? The only way you
could have that information is...

If you ripped it out
of the book yourself

and then purposely
crashed those sites.

Serious allegations, counselor.

I hope you can back that
up with documentation.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

That's right, you
couldn't find any.

It's obvious miss
seymore didn't think

that she could beat me honestly,

so she resorted to
unscrupulous behavior.

As my 2-year-old
Brandon would say, "duh."

However, in order to excel,

one must be able to
deal with the unexpected.

And excuses are not
acceptable in front of a judge

or when a client's
life is on the line.

But, your honor...
I'm not finished.

Miss Thorne, a good
lawyer is a resourceful lawyer,

and so far, you've proven
yourself to be neither.

Therefore,

I find in favor of your opponent

and give you a failing
grade on this exercise.

Any questions? Good.

Class dismissed.

I'm just glad you weren't there

to see the lowest
moment of my life.

Oh, my god! This is it!

It's the shoe! It's the shoe!

What are you babbling about?

Don't you see? All these good
things have been happening to me.

So all my bad stuff

had to happen to someone,

and the mojo man picked you.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, hey, look.

$20!

Mr. Mojo strikes again.

I think this proves
I'm on to something.

All it proves is that
you're paying for lunch.

Mona, my setback in
class was just a fluke.

[Click]

That looks like part of a tooth.

I broke a tooth?!

I've never even had a cavity!

My teeth are perfect!

Well, they were.

I mean, I'm sure they still are,

the ones left in
your mouth, anyway.

Aah. I got to get to my dentist.

Good idea. And it's barely
noticeable, unless you open your mouth.

And even then, people
will just think you're British.

$100?!

Just get in the car!

I don't know if I want
to get in a car with you.

Just get in, damn it!

I can't believe this!

Even my shoes have
turned against me!

Well, at least the
dentist was cute,

and he gave me his number.

So... i broke a tooth,
ruined my boots,

and learned the Spanish
words for "wet paint."

Could this day get any worse?

Hello, hello.[Sighs]

Just so you know,
in the bad luck world,

we call a question
like that a "sure thing."

Dear lord, what happened?

You look like you've been
attacked by discount shoppers.

Don't make me explain.
It's too depressing.

Plus, it hurts to
talk. Very well.

I'll just reschedule
our facials.

And dear, couldn't you have
brushed up against a color

that didn't clash
with your ensemble?

You know, I'm starting to believe
your whole mixed-up mojo theory.

This day sucks!

I think I broke my tailbone.

Well, it's about time little miss
perfect got a taste of reality.

Only way this could be better

is if it happened to her mama.

Ma! what?

Those Dee Dee's need to
be knocked down a few pegs

so the can stop looking
down their noses at us.

If those are their real noses.

Yeah, Dee Dee without
her magic is just like...

Well, you.

I know, and I always
wanted to see Dee Dee

get a taste of the real
world, but seeing her like this

just makes me feel
kind of sorry for her.

I mean, at least I know
how to handle the bad stuff.

Well, you can thank me for that,

and your child-bearing hips...

Which I'm still
waiting for you to use.

But Dee Dee's never had to
deal with things not going her way.

She's totally out
of her element,

like that one baby gazelle

that wanders away from the herd,

unaware of the hungry cheetah

bearing down on her
at 60 miles per hour.

Right. And you're like
that wise, old wilderbeest

who survives on
instinct and experience.

Hey! did I say
"old?" I meant "cute."

My point is that Dee
Dee's not equipped for this.

And watching her flounder
is not nearly as much fun

as I fantasized it would be.

I don't think you're
trying hard enough.

Besides, I'm not comfortable
being the sunshine.

I spent my whole life getting
the dark-cloud thing down.

You are not a dark cloud.

Now stop saying
that about yourself.

It reflects badly on me.

I just wish I knew how to
get things back to normal.

Spencer: There's
nothing you can do.

The only person that can
help Dee Dee is Dee Dee.

Everybody captains
their own ship.

That's kind of profound.

Yeah, that's what I thought

when I read it in
the snapple cap.

Mother, for the first
time, I'm doubting myself.

Maybe I don't have the skills.

Maybe all this is a
sign that law school

is just a monumental
waste of time!

I will not tolerate
that sort of talk!

In this world, you get what
you want by doing what it takes.

It's what separates the
winners from the losers.

Well, that and money.

But I tanked my moot
court competition.

What if I'm not cut
out to be a lawyer?

Oh, pish-posh.

You've gotten this far,
you've worked hard,

and you have been
rewarded for your efforts.

First by getting
into law school,

then by establishing
yourself as a stellar performer.

Being a lawyer is your destiny,

like being fabulous is mine.

I appreciate your support, mom.
Besides, if you quit law school,

how would you improve your social
circle and meet your husband-to-be?

Men like that don't
grow on trees, you know?

Although, wouldn't it
be something if they did?

Ha ha!

I appreciate your support, mom.

[Chuckles] Mwah. Any time.

Well, I should be going.

Your father is spoiling me

with an exquisite diamond
brooch this evening.

Ha ha! Won't he be surprised?

[Knock on door]

Hello, honey dew. You know,
I've been meaning to tell you

what a great time I
had the other evening.

I had a good time, too. We
should do it again sometime,

when your father and
your sister are busy,

and I'm running out of options.

Your mom has a real knack for
putting things into perspective.

Tell me about it. Just when I
thought things couldn't get worse,

I find my own mother only believes
in my dream because it fit into hers.

You know, I thought my mom gave me
ballet lessons so I could be a ballerina.

Then I find she only did
it because I was chunky,

and she figured I
couldn't pirouette

and eat a twinkie
at the same time.

But the joke was on her.

I could.

Look, lady, I brought back
the cushion when I said I would,

and now I want my money.

What kind of
businessman are you?

I can't believe you're
trying to gouge me like this.

You call it gouging, I
call it gouging. We agree.

Check, please. Dee Dee: Hey!

Could you keep it down?

I'm trying to be depressed here.

This guy quoted me one price, and
now he wants 3 times that amount.

Can he do that? You're the legal
mind, Dee Dee. Help me out here.

You don't want me
messing things up for you.

Not only can I do that,

I can also sue you for
the money you owe me.

And since we had
nothing in writing,

it's just your word
against mine, doll.

But that's not fair! Hey, unfairness
is what america's all about.

The rich get richer, and
the poor get screwed.

And in this scenario, care to
guess which one of us is which?

Now wait just a
second... Curtis.

The fact is, you don't know what you're
talking about. Stay out of this, kitten.

I am not your kitten.

And not only are oral
contracts valid and enforceable

in almost all matters except
the transfer of real property,

they are a regular part of
legitimate business dealings.

Since "legitimate" is the key word,
it's no wonder you weren't aware of this.

And any judge worth his salt

would find in favor
of the defendant.

Wait. I don't think
we... hush it up, curt.

Now that we've examined
your dubious chance of

success on the civil side, let's
turn our attention to the criminal one.

Criminal? What are
you talking... let's see.

Fraud, extortion, battery.

I never touched her.

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

So... I guess it's your
word against ours.

Ok. Just pay me
what I quoted you.

Make the check out
to... send us a bill.

Yeah, that's good.

Dee Dee, you were unbelievable.

I was, wasn't I?

I buried that guy, and I
didn't even work up a sweat.

Not that I do anyway,
but you get my point.

Do you realize what
just happened here?

That guy tried to rip me off,
and you ripped him a new one.

The universe is back to normal!

Aw, crap! The universe
is back to normal.

I know! Isn't it great?

[Sighs]

I believe our
next... Miss throne,

I've already rendered
a decision in your case.

Yes, but I'd like
to petition the court

to appeal that decision,
citing precedence, your honor.

6 years ago, in this
very same moot court,

a first year was given a second
chance at arguing his case.

The precedent has
clearly been set... By you.

This is ridiculous.
Professor Wilkins...

It's "your honor."

And the rules of precedence are
sacrosanct in our justice system.

Therefore, I am granting
petitioner's motion.

You may proceed, miss throne.

Thank you, your honor.

Since I couldn't get the case
material through normal means,

I went directly to the source.

If it please the court, this is state
supreme court justice Harrison Todd,

the man who argued
the original case

and wrote the brief that
was missing from the book...

And one of my
dad's poker buddies.

It's an honor to meet you,
justice Todd. As it should be.

I've long admired your
work. As you should have.

As I gaze on this room
of eager, frightened faces,

I see a bit of myself
in every one of them...

Except this one.

Quit now.

You'll never make it.
You have no upper lip.

People don't trust that.

Just yesterday, I told
him that same thing.

I believe the floor is mine.

And I am here because
I am very impressed

with miss throne's inventiveness

in finding such an original
way to present her case.

Not only will she be
an asset to the bar,

she'll really
class up the joint.

I agree. And I object!

That is completely irrelevant

and prejudicial to my
case. Wilkins: Overruled.

Face it, counselor, you've
been out-maneuvered.

Miss Thorne, you may continue.

And miss seymore, you
might want to take notes.

Any questions? Good!

Now, in the matter of
hartman v. Chemco...

That was accounting. It seems they put
one too many zeros in my bonus check.

It was supposed to have
been $500, not $5,000.

The universe didn't
waste any time, did it?

So you owe the
company 4,500 bucks?

Pretty much, but good luck to
them getting it back from me.

Suckas! Ha ha ha!

You realize they'll just
take it out of your paycheck.

Damn the universe!

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