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1
00:00:21,875 --> 00:00:24,001
(DlSTANT SIREN)
2
00:00:27,673 --> 00:00:30,174
(SNORlNG)
3
00:00:30,342 --> 00:00:33,135
(ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF)
4
00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:39,516
Aw, fuck...
5
00:00:54,491 --> 00:00:57,076
(MOBILE WITH
"MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE)
6
00:00:57,244 --> 00:00:59,996
(GROANS)
7
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:06,877
(RlNGING STOPS)
8
00:01:09,714 --> 00:01:11,423
Fuckin' hell!
9
00:01:11,591 --> 00:01:14,134
What's the matter with you? What?
10
00:01:14,302 --> 00:01:18,138
- I'm not a bloody prostitute!
- All right, l'm sorry, l'm sorry.
11
00:01:18,348 --> 00:01:20,557
Christ's sake, this was our second date!
12
00:01:20,725 --> 00:01:23,226
Was it? Listen, listen, all right...
13
00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:26,187
I was on the tequilas
last night and, um...
14
00:01:27,189 --> 00:01:30,734
- What is your name again?
- Oh, you're kidding.
15
00:01:30,902 --> 00:01:33,570
Tell you what, if you was a prostitute...
16
00:01:33,738 --> 00:01:35,781
you know...you'd be caked.
17
00:01:39,661 --> 00:01:41,662
- Argh!
- Ow!
18
00:01:42,579 --> 00:01:45,415
What's the matter with you?
That was a compliment!
19
00:01:45,582 --> 00:01:49,502
You know what I mean, l can't win!
I've got the pox of it.
20
00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:51,171
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
21
00:01:51,338 --> 00:01:55,508
Tell you something else,
you're only an old dog, anyway.
22
00:01:55,676 --> 00:01:58,678
Maybe "boys' weekend,"
wasn't the best choice of words.
23
00:01:58,845 --> 00:02:00,513
Whatever. Have a nice time.
24
00:02:00,681 --> 00:02:04,517
I'm not one of those guys
who ditches his mates for his girlfriend!
25
00:02:04,685 --> 00:02:07,562
- I don't want you to ditch your mates!
- What DO you want?
26
00:02:07,729 --> 00:02:09,730
An invite would've been nice.
27
00:02:13,026 --> 00:02:15,110
No girls allowed, darling.
28
00:02:20,534 --> 00:02:22,868
I didn't know
there was gonna be strippers!
29
00:02:23,036 --> 00:02:26,706
- And Neil's not in charge. I am.
- That fills me with confidence.
30
00:02:26,873 --> 00:02:29,625
I'm only going to my gran's.
I'll be back on Monday.
31
00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:32,044
I'll have the locks changed before then.
32
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:40,720
Bex, Bex...
It's for Vince. Vince!
33
00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:43,639
He's helped me
out so many times, I've lost count.
34
00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:46,976
When I first came to London,
he supported me. I owe him.
35
00:02:47,143 --> 00:02:50,479
Lots of people get divorced, Mikey.
He'll get over it.
36
00:02:50,646 --> 00:02:54,316
Yes, by spending a weekend
getting trollied with his mates.
37
00:02:54,484 --> 00:02:57,611
Well, you can celebrate
your own divorce with him!
38
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:01,073
I thought you'd react like that,
so l glued your ring on.
39
00:03:01,241 --> 00:03:05,535
- See you Monday, babe. Love you too!
- Mikey, if you walk out that gate...
40
00:03:07,163 --> 00:03:08,998
(BEX SCREAMS)
41
00:03:09,165 --> 00:03:12,584
(WOMAN) You don't know whether
you're coming or going, do you?
42
00:03:14,254 --> 00:03:16,213
Patrick!
43
00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:20,133
I'm going. I'm going!
44
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,677
The first weekend
my parents visit in years,
45
00:03:22,845 --> 00:03:26,431
and you bugger off to the wilderness
to rediscover your testicles!
46
00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:29,851
It's bad enough l have to tell them
you've quit your job...
47
00:03:30,019 --> 00:03:32,771
(WOMAN ON iPOD)
Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy.
48
00:03:32,938 --> 00:03:37,942
It's going to be a beautiful day.
Let's start it with a smile.
49
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:42,196
- Anxiety is almost the same...
- Are you just gonna fucking go?
50
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,369
(SIGHS)
51
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,098
(MAN) No, no.
52
00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:15,271
It's a symbol of his identity, and the
source of his primeval inner strength.
53
00:04:15,439 --> 00:04:18,566
So how come the Zombie Girls
kick his arse on page four?
54
00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:21,652
How many times have l told you
they're NOT zombies?!
55
00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:27,325
- All right, calm down. lt's only a comic.
- No, no, it's not only a comic.
56
00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:32,120
This is a... It's a unique
and often misunderstood art form.
57
00:04:32,288 --> 00:04:35,833
This...is a painstakingly crafted,
58
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,588
and carefully balanced alignment
of words and art, OK?
59
00:04:40,755 --> 00:04:43,924
- What, like TV?
- Do you want it or not?
60
00:04:44,092 --> 00:04:47,553
- No, it's stupid.
- Right, piss off!
61
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:51,514
- Go on. We're closing early, OK?
- What? Why?
62
00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:54,685
Space/time anomaly.
63
00:04:54,853 --> 00:04:58,188
You mean...you want
a bit of time alone with your missus.
64
00:04:58,356 --> 00:05:00,648
Don't touch her. Get off her and get out!
65
00:05:00,817 --> 00:05:03,360
- (BOY LAUGHS)
- Go on, then!
66
00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:05,863
Go on, out!
And don't come back!
67
00:05:07,615 --> 00:05:09,699
Little knob-end.
68
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:20,543
Vince, you're not getting out of this!
69
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:24,881
- You're coming with us!
- We're gonna have such a good time!
70
00:05:25,048 --> 00:05:29,344
(EXCITED CHATTERlNG)
71
00:05:29,512 --> 00:05:32,013
(VINCE)
Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!
72
00:05:40,564 --> 00:05:42,774
Oh, you bastard!
73
00:05:45,152 --> 00:05:56,078
Bastard!
74
00:05:58,957 --> 00:06:00,1000
Bastard! Argh!
75
00:06:25,775 --> 00:06:30,862
(PUNK ROCK: THE HORRORS'
"SHE lS THE NEW THING")
76
00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:44,000
# She's a special girl, you know
77
00:06:44,168 --> 00:06:48,129
# The kind l'd hope to see
Hanging on a wall
78
00:06:48,297 --> 00:06:50,549
# Watching me cross the street
79
00:06:57,514 --> 00:07:00,058
# l wonder how long it will be
80
00:07:00,226 --> 00:07:04,229
# Before I'm sick of her
And I no longer care
81
00:07:04,396 --> 00:07:06,064
# Where she goes or has been
82
00:07:06,232 --> 00:07:10,068
# Cause she's the new thing
83
00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:11,987
# She is the new thing
84
00:07:12,154 --> 00:07:14,239
# Well, she's the new thing
85
00:07:20,162 --> 00:07:24,165
# She is the new thing
86
00:07:24,458 --> 00:07:26,209
# Another new thing
87
00:07:26,377 --> 00:07:30,130
# Feel my stomach sink
As I curse my slow limbs
88
00:07:30,297 --> 00:07:32,047
# She is the new thing
89
00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:34,300
# Always a new thing
90
00:07:34,468 --> 00:07:38,221
# Staring at her, ulterior girl #
91
00:07:41,141 --> 00:07:42,683
Thanks.
92
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,686
- Vince, you left this behind, mate.
- (VINCE) Ta.
93
00:07:45,854 --> 00:07:48,689
- (MATT) I thought you'd given up.
- (VINCE) l have.
94
00:07:48,857 --> 00:07:51,400
- Where's Banksy?
- (ALL) Late.
95
00:07:51,568 --> 00:07:53,903
(PATRICK)
He's always late for everything.
96
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,155
He showed up on time for his wedding.
97
00:07:56,322 --> 00:07:58,866
(ALL LAUGH)
98
00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:00,660
Why's that funny?
99
00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:05,330
(NEIL) Well, he showed up, and, um...
she didn't show up at all.
100
00:08:05,498 --> 00:08:07,958
(MIKEY) Lucky bastard!
101
00:08:08,126 --> 00:08:10,710
Here, l'll give him call.
102
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:26,935
(DlSTANT MOBILE WITH
"MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE)
103
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,651
Oh, shit!
104
00:08:40,616 --> 00:08:43,201
(VOlCEMAlL)
"..you're through to Banksy Electrical.
105
00:08:43,369 --> 00:08:46,830
Please leave your name and number
after the tone, and I'll..."
106
00:08:47,247 --> 00:08:50,709
- (BEEP)
- Banksy, you're wanker.
107
00:08:50,876 --> 00:08:52,586
(MIKEY) Hurry up!
108
00:08:52,753 --> 00:08:54,963
Liven yourself up, lazy-bollocks!
109
00:08:56,674 --> 00:08:59,217
Hey, Pat, what's with
them golf clubs, man?
110
00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:02,178
There's no golf courses
where we're going.
111
00:09:02,346 --> 00:09:05,807
That's why have this bag...
my little friend.
112
00:09:05,975 --> 00:09:08,059
(PATRICK) You know there's more
to life than football.
113
00:09:08,227 --> 00:09:11,813
- All you need is the open air...
- (MIKEY) Me nuts, ow!
114
00:09:11,981 --> 00:09:15,691
I don't think your new-age
golf therapy is gonna work on Vince, Pat.
115
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:17,986
Vince is real man, Pat, not like you.
116
00:09:18,153 --> 00:09:20,821
You should've seen him
in his glory days, Mikey.
117
00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:24,825
I mean, they used to call him Fearless.
118
00:09:24,994 --> 00:09:29,622
He would step out in front of
a raging bull just to protect his mates,
119
00:09:29,789 --> 00:09:33,667
and still manage to buy the first round
from his hospital bed.
120
00:09:33,835 --> 00:09:38,005
Yeah, that's only 'cause you guys
picked up what was left in me wallet.
121
00:09:38,173 --> 00:09:40,966
- (GRAHAM) We helped you.
- Go on, show Mikey.
122
00:09:41,134 --> 00:09:44,595
- (NEIL) Oh, yeah, look at this!
- (MIKEY) Let's have a look.
123
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:50,934
Pamplona Bull Run '96. He screamed
like a girl the whole way around.
124
00:09:51,102 --> 00:09:53,186
(MIKEY) I wish I was there, man...
125
00:09:53,355 --> 00:09:54,647
Shit!
126
00:09:56,858 --> 00:09:59,610
(MIKEY) Sorry, mate, seriously.
Let me just...
127
00:09:59,778 --> 00:10:02,154
(PATRICK) Anyway, where were we?
128
00:10:02,321 --> 00:10:06,491
(CHATTERING)
129
00:10:10,579 --> 00:10:13,248
(RHYTHMIC METALLIC SCRAPING)
130
00:10:19,088 --> 00:10:22,382
(SCRAPlNG GETS LOUDER)
131
00:10:22,550 --> 00:10:24,217
Snap out of it, Vince.
132
00:10:24,385 --> 00:10:28,013
Today you re-discover your inner bloke.
You don't wanna miss it.
133
00:10:28,181 --> 00:10:30,265
Me inner bloke's all right, thanks.
134
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:33,310
(NEIL) He's not, though, is he?
He's lost his way.
135
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,107
We all have.
All suffering from social gender anxiety.
136
00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:41,318
Is that some sort of disease
or something?
137
00:10:41,485 --> 00:10:43,445
Nobody knows, that's the problem.
138
00:10:43,612 --> 00:10:46,739
The second you try
to figure it out...doomed.
139
00:10:48,116 --> 00:10:52,579
Not you, Vince. We're gonna
bring you back from the brink.
140
00:10:55,082 --> 00:10:58,167
- Oi, no smoking!
- Shut up.
141
00:10:59,628 --> 00:11:03,047
- You're outnumbered.
- Ooh, I'm terrified (!)
142
00:11:03,215 --> 00:11:05,049
Slag.
143
00:11:05,217 --> 00:11:07,594
- Charmer...
- (NEIL) Wha'? Wha'?
144
00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:11,513
- Now, listen to me, boys...
- (MIKEY) I thought it was funny.
145
00:11:11,682 --> 00:11:13,390
This is the plan.
146
00:11:13,558 --> 00:11:18,312
First thing we do in the country,
we piss up the trees, mark our territory.
147
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,399
Then we're gonna find a pub and drink
till we've forgotten how to speak.
148
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:27,363
We'll communicate in grunts like
cavemen, until we pass out in the woods.
149
00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:29,740
- Any questions?
- (WOLF-WHISTLING)
150
00:11:29,908 --> 00:11:33,202
- Are you Michael? I'm the driver.
- (LAD) Hey, she's the driver!
151
00:11:36,539 --> 00:11:38,874
Wanna see my driver's license?
152
00:11:39,917 --> 00:11:42,044
Uh...
153
00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:45,714
That's Mikey,
the little squirt sitting there.
154
00:11:47,217 --> 00:11:50,469
I'm Neil. What's your name, babe?
155
00:11:50,637 --> 00:11:52,679
I can tell you now it's not "babe".
156
00:11:52,847 --> 00:11:55,932
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it?
157
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,727
Looks like it's heading that way,
don't it?
158
00:11:59,854 --> 00:12:02,481
I tell you what, let's start again.
159
00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:05,191
- My name's Neil.
- My name's Ruth.
160
00:12:06,861 --> 00:12:09,362
From now on it's Candy.
161
00:12:09,531 --> 00:12:13,700
Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback.
He hasn't evolved properly.
162
00:12:14,952 --> 00:12:16,995
Call me Candy.
163
00:12:17,705 --> 00:12:20,498
(ENGlNE FAILS TO START)
164
00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:24,795
(BANKSY) Come on!
165
00:12:24,962 --> 00:12:26,755
(ENGlNE STARTS)
166
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,179
(NEIL) Wehey! Woo-hoo!
167
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,974
- Right, boys, you ready?
- (LADS) Yeah!
168
00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:41,852
Get on these two here, look.
A couple of right wrong 'uns.
169
00:12:42,021 --> 00:12:45,273
- I'll tell you what, women love me.
- (LADS LAUGH)
170
00:12:45,441 --> 00:12:48,984
(NElL) You got enough petrol,
babe, and all that, yeah?
171
00:12:50,612 --> 00:12:53,781
- (MATT) Have you called Banksy again?
- (NEIL) He'll show up.
172
00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:57,493
He's like Mikey's missus.
You can't shake him off.
173
00:13:01,122 --> 00:13:03,165
(COUGHING)
174
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,670
It looks nice, but it's a piece of shit.
175
00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:09,714
- What?
- It's fucked.
176
00:13:09,881 --> 00:13:11,757
But I've only had it five minutes.
177
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:16,554
Someone's run the knackers off it.
You can't fix that with a nice paint job.
178
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,355
You're the one
who's getting divorced, ain't you?
179
00:13:26,522 --> 00:13:28,232
Thanks for bringing it up.
180
00:13:28,399 --> 00:13:31,276
There's worse things
than getting divorced.
181
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,404
Rape, murder, castration.
182
00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:37,032
Fair enough.
183
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,911
What's in a weird village like Moodley
that you can't find in London?
184
00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:44,748
Mikey's nan lives there.
We'll stay there while she's away.
185
00:13:44,915 --> 00:13:46,666
What do you mean weird?
186
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,461
Well, it's just a dead-end
in the middle of the woods.
187
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,631
There's nothing there.
188
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:55,217
When I saw the booking
I thought it was a wind-up.
189
00:13:55,385 --> 00:13:58,178
Mikey says the women
outnumber the men four to one.
190
00:13:58,346 --> 00:14:00,639
- (MIKEY) Yes, they do, Neil.
- Oh...
191
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:03,808
- And obviously they're all gagging for it.
- Obviously.
192
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:06,269
An entire village
full of man-hungry women
193
00:14:06,437 --> 00:14:09,689
waiting to jump the first band
of desperados rolling up from London.
194
00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:12,108
- Have you been there, then?
- Uh-uh.
195
00:14:12,276 --> 00:14:15,028
My firm hasn't booked
a job to Moodley in years.
196
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,739
- Oh, sod off.
- (LAUGHTER)
197
00:14:19,408 --> 00:14:22,952
(WOMAN ON iPOD)
Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm.
198
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,413
All is well.
199
00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:28,499
Death is a natural part of life.
200
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:32,670
Anxiety about this
is an inbuilt survival reflex,
201
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:39,010
no longer required in this beautiful
predator-free world.
202
00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:54,483
Welcome to the country.
203
00:15:04,202 --> 00:15:06,412
I'll do it, then, shall I?
204
00:15:09,916 --> 00:15:11,375
(NEIL) Yeah, well done.
205
00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:20,217
What's your nana up to
this weekend, Mikey?
206
00:15:20,384 --> 00:15:22,886
She's off on a cruise
while the builders are in.
207
00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:25,097
What builders?
208
00:15:25,264 --> 00:15:28,308
Oh, they'll be gone by the time
we come out of the pub.
209
00:15:28,476 --> 00:15:31,478
What about when they're back
at dawn and start drilling holes?
210
00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:34,564
- She doesn't know we're coming.
- Well...l did say...
211
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:39,236
- You fuckin' idiot.
- Listen, man, I know where the key is!
212
00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:41,654
Jesus! This gets better and better.
213
00:15:41,823 --> 00:15:45,200
I might just stay on the minibus
and wait for the return trip.
214
00:15:45,368 --> 00:15:49,997
Gentlemen, you are all past
the point of no return.
215
00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:53,125
(MOBILE WITH
"MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE)
216
00:15:53,292 --> 00:15:55,627
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mikey.
217
00:15:55,794 --> 00:15:57,670
It's not me. lt's not me!
218
00:16:00,549 --> 00:16:02,925
Hello? Yeah...
219
00:16:03,093 --> 00:16:05,553
I told you I'd sign the papers.
220
00:16:05,721 --> 00:16:07,889
Solicitors always say that.
221
00:16:08,056 --> 00:16:10,725
I can't do nothing today.
I'm not in London.
222
00:16:12,185 --> 00:16:14,729
Moodley... Moodley!
223
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:17,189
What do you mean it's a shit hole?
224
00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:21,569
Hello? Hello?
225
00:16:23,321 --> 00:16:25,823
(MOBILE WITH
"MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE)
226
00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:29,493
- (lNDlSTlNCT SHOUTlNG)
- Not my PS...
227
00:16:29,662 --> 00:16:33,539
That's it. Give us that fucking thing.
I've had enough of this!
228
00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:37,668
- I'm not having this.
- (GRAHAM) What are you gonna do?
229
00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:42,048
- All the phones, off, in this bag.
- What?!
230
00:16:42,215 --> 00:16:44,967
- OK? All of you. Come on!
- (LADS) No, no, no, no.
231
00:16:45,135 --> 00:16:48,804
Getting away from it all doesn't include
spousal abuse by T-Mobile.
232
00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:52,099
- (GRAHAM) See you, darling.
- (MATT) I need to ring my mum.
233
00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:55,686
- You've got mine already.
- In the bag, sunshine.
234
00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:02,943
- Ladies first.
- After you, then.
235
00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:05,529
All right.
236
00:17:36,393 --> 00:17:38,645
(MATT) Mikey?! Is this it?
237
00:17:38,813 --> 00:17:42,983
- Please tell me you took a wrong turn.
- Told you the place was a dead end.
238
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:45,819
(VINCE) Is that it? Is this...?
239
00:17:45,987 --> 00:17:47,863
(MATT) Mikey!
240
00:17:56,788 --> 00:17:59,165
We're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
241
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:03,628
I'd leave all that, Mikey,
till we've done a bit of reconnaissance.
242
00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:08,674
- We might not be staying.
- What do you mean not staying?
243
00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:12,052
I'm off the clock for half an hour,
then I'm leaving...
244
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,305
..with or without you.
245
00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,435
Fiddlesticks!
246
00:18:29,279 --> 00:18:31,196
(MIKEY) On your head!
247
00:18:32,866 --> 00:18:35,868
- (NEIL) What the fuck are you doing?
- (MATT) You idiot!
248
00:18:45,295 --> 00:18:49,089
I'm sure this place used to be bigger
when l was, err...little.
249
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:54,845
Looks like the whole village
has fucked off with your nan.
250
00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:57,097
Where's all the women, then?
251
00:18:57,265 --> 00:18:59,599
When were you last here, Mikey?
252
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:04,646
- Well, it's been a few years.
- Right, come on. First things first.
253
00:19:04,814 --> 00:19:09,526
Mikey, you break into your nan's house
and make sure l've got a bed for tonight.
254
00:19:09,694 --> 00:19:12,904
The rest of us can get the beers in
at the...Cock & Bull,
255
00:19:13,072 --> 00:19:15,782
and drink until Moodley
starts looking like Barbados.
256
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:18,034
And someone
go get Candy down for a drink.
257
00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:19,953
(BOTH) l'll go.
258
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,915
Neil, if she sees you,
she's liable to drive away with our stuff.
259
00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:27,544
What are you talking about?
Women love me.
260
00:19:27,712 --> 00:19:29,128
- (LAUGHTER)
- Really (?)
261
00:19:29,296 --> 00:19:32,674
You are a long way from
your sports car, though, aren't you?
262
00:19:34,594 --> 00:19:36,845
(CROWS CAWING)
263
00:19:41,391 --> 00:19:44,352
I'm gonna go for a slash.
Get us a pint of the usual.
264
00:19:44,519 --> 00:19:47,355
Oh, no, put your money away, Neil.
My shout (!)
265
00:19:47,690 --> 00:19:49,648
(MUTTERS) Knob.
266
00:19:56,323 --> 00:19:58,366
Wow...
267
00:20:17,844 --> 00:20:19,928
(READS) "Vote Meg Nut".
268
00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:22,973
(CHUCKLES) Meg Nut... Nut-meg...
269
00:20:24,017 --> 00:20:26,143
(READS) "Sponsored by Wundawash."
270
00:20:36,821 --> 00:20:38,280
Ew!
271
00:20:44,537 --> 00:20:46,622
(WHISTLES)
272
00:20:54,756 --> 00:20:56,799
Oh, shit.
273
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:04,932
(RETCHlNG)
274
00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,642
(COUGHING)
275
00:21:10,938 --> 00:21:12,522
Ew!
276
00:21:16,110 --> 00:21:19,154
(Come on, come on.
Please, please, please.)
277
00:21:23,742 --> 00:21:26,118
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
278
00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:29,289
Oh, thank you, gnomie.
279
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,297
(TAPS THE BAR)
280
00:21:38,466 --> 00:21:39,966
Hello?
281
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:43,469
I can't believe we jumped
on one of Mikey's schemes.
282
00:21:43,637 --> 00:21:47,557
- His heart's in the right place.
- Shame his head is up his arse.
283
00:21:47,725 --> 00:21:50,852
Come on, Pat.
Liven yourself up. Get 'em in.
284
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,479
Neil, Do you see any bar staff?
285
00:21:53,647 --> 00:21:56,440
I think I just saw one in the khazi,
chucking up.
286
00:21:56,608 --> 00:22:01,362
- Maybe they're all sick.
- What the fuck is that horrible stench?
287
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,740
It's the smoking ban, mate.
Get rid of the all the puffers,
288
00:22:04,908 --> 00:22:08,744
you'll find out what a pub really
smells like - stale beer and piss.
289
00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:11,455
(PATRICK) No. It's something else.
290
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,002
Where the fuck's Matt?
291
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,058
(SCREAMS)
292
00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:34,603
All right, calm down.
You sound like a dolphin.
293
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,563
Idiot.
294
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,400
Look at that.
295
00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:42,653
It's a knob in a box.
296
00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:00,921
This is a joke, right?
297
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:03,673
(ROARS)
298
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,137
(MIKEY) Don't...
299
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:12,598
Hey, back up. Back up.
300
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:14,059
I will...
301
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:21,941
Looks like there is
life on Mars, after all.
302
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:28,781
- What's the matter with her?
- I think she's homeless.
303
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:33,578
(NEIL) 300 miles from London, the only
person we see is selling the Big lssue.
304
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:37,832
- (MATT) Let's get some change.
- (PAT) l've got some, I've got some.
305
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:40,543
(MATT) Ooh!
306
00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:43,003
Hey! Hey!
307
00:23:52,013 --> 00:23:53,806
Go Vince!
308
00:23:57,352 --> 00:23:59,729
- It's not what it looks like, mate!
- Yeah?
309
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,148
(VINCE) Matt, call the police!
310
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:08,695
Go, Graham. Hit him!
311
00:24:15,411 --> 00:24:17,704
(MATT) Go on! Somebody else hit him!
312
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:23,627
Put the knife down, mate.
313
00:24:23,794 --> 00:24:26,338
Put the knife down!
314
00:24:30,551 --> 00:24:32,844
You lot, just listen to me!
315
00:24:38,601 --> 00:24:40,560
- Hey, watch!
- She stabbed me!
316
00:24:40,728 --> 00:24:42,562
All right, hey, hey!
317
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:45,649
- Oi! Oi!
- What are you doing?!
318
00:24:45,816 --> 00:24:47,526
(SHE SNARLS)
319
00:24:47,693 --> 00:24:49,819
- Can we talk about this?
- Hang on, hang on.
320
00:24:53,073 --> 00:24:54,574
(GRAHAM) Jesus...
321
00:24:59,747 --> 00:25:01,790
(ALL GASP)
322
00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:05,794
- What... What's wrong with her?
- What do you mean?
323
00:25:05,961 --> 00:25:10,006
She's like Evil Dead in your shop,
those things with the claws and teeth!
324
00:25:11,550 --> 00:25:15,178
- And she's not the only one.
- (SHRIEKS)
325
00:25:19,016 --> 00:25:21,642
(MIKEY) Look! Look at that. Look, look.
326
00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:23,561
(GROWLS)
327
00:25:25,897 --> 00:25:27,773
(RAGGED BREATHlNG)
328
00:25:27,941 --> 00:25:30,484
- Back on the bus, then, eh?
- Yes, yes!
329
00:25:31,528 --> 00:25:34,029
- What about Action Man?
- Oh, shit.
330
00:25:34,198 --> 00:25:36,449
(NEIL) Come on! Leave him!
331
00:25:44,874 --> 00:25:48,001
Candy, start her up, baby.
We're leaving.
332
00:25:49,379 --> 00:25:51,380
(GASPS)
333
00:25:53,174 --> 00:25:55,843
- (VIOLENT RETCHING)
- Let's go somewhere else, then.
334
00:25:56,010 --> 00:25:57,511
(GROWLS)
335
00:25:57,679 --> 00:25:59,346
Yeah, OK.
336
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,474
Where's your nan's house, Mike?
337
00:26:04,477 --> 00:26:07,354
- Mike, your nan's house!
- (GROWLS)
338
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:12,818
(MIKEY) OK, uh...
339
00:26:16,114 --> 00:26:18,656
Let's take the scenic route.
340
00:26:18,825 --> 00:26:20,826
(HlSSES)
341
00:26:35,007 --> 00:26:36,508
(CREAKlNG)
342
00:26:43,516 --> 00:26:45,850
Mikey... Get his gun.
343
00:26:50,063 --> 00:26:52,148
YOU get it.
344
00:27:08,874 --> 00:27:11,375
(COUGHING) It's empty.
345
00:27:11,543 --> 00:27:13,252
Oh, mate...
346
00:27:13,420 --> 00:27:15,379
That is not cool...
347
00:27:15,547 --> 00:27:17,799
Look at the state of him.
348
00:27:17,966 --> 00:27:19,383
(COUGHS)
349
00:27:22,805 --> 00:27:25,264
- (Don't go in the woods.)
- What?
350
00:27:26,849 --> 00:27:28,850
He said, "Don't go in the woods."
351
00:27:29,019 --> 00:27:31,145
- Why?
- Why you asking me?
352
00:27:31,313 --> 00:27:33,939
(LAUGHS)
353
00:27:36,234 --> 00:27:38,527
What's in the woods?
354
00:27:38,695 --> 00:27:41,280
Everything...you've ever been afraid of.
355
00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:45,367
(FRENZlED SCREAMING)
356
00:27:49,121 --> 00:27:50,789
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
357
00:27:53,876 --> 00:27:56,044
Quick, quick, Graham!
358
00:27:56,212 --> 00:27:59,297
- Open the fucking door!
- I'm gonna do it when l get the key!
359
00:27:59,466 --> 00:28:02,300
These are multi-combat trousers!
They've got 1 1 pockets!
360
00:28:02,469 --> 00:28:05,345
(GROWLING)
361
00:28:05,513 --> 00:28:07,180
(SHRIEKlNG)
362
00:28:09,642 --> 00:28:11,893
You missed her!
363
00:28:14,105 --> 00:28:15,647
Open the fucking door!
364
00:28:19,193 --> 00:28:21,277
(GROWLS)
365
00:28:24,740 --> 00:28:26,241
- Vince!
- What?
366
00:28:26,408 --> 00:28:27,658
Help me!
367
00:28:27,827 --> 00:28:29,827
(SHE WAILS)
368
00:28:31,914 --> 00:28:33,999
- I've got the key!
- OPEN lT, THEN!
369
00:28:42,007 --> 00:28:44,175
Shut the back door!
370
00:28:44,343 --> 00:28:46,969
(RAGGED BREATHlNG)
371
00:28:47,138 --> 00:28:48,721
(GROWLING)
372
00:28:52,476 --> 00:28:53,934
(GRAHAM) Oi, oi!
373
00:28:54,144 --> 00:28:56,145
They're moving away!
374
00:28:58,690 --> 00:29:01,275
(ALL PANT)
375
00:29:01,443 --> 00:29:06,489
All right, you funny cunts,
how's this supposed to cheer me up?
376
00:29:19,627 --> 00:29:22,880
- Phones are dead.
- "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag."
377
00:29:23,048 --> 00:29:26,175
- Good idea, Neil!
- You wanna talk about this some more?
378
00:29:26,342 --> 00:29:30,095
Let's talk about the unliveable state
of this house we're staying in.
379
00:29:30,263 --> 00:29:32,806
OK, back door's locked, kettle is on.
380
00:29:32,974 --> 00:29:34,516
Neil.
381
00:29:39,189 --> 00:29:43,192
- (VINCE) They're not coming back.
- (GRAHAM) So what's going on here?
382
00:29:44,235 --> 00:29:47,362
It could be some kind of
chemical spillage.
383
00:29:47,530 --> 00:29:50,073
Maybe one of the streams
has been polluted.
384
00:29:50,241 --> 00:29:52,367
Patrick, when was the last time
385
00:29:52,535 --> 00:29:57,038
you saw pollution turn somebody
into an axe murderer?
386
00:29:58,082 --> 00:30:01,793
Candy didn't even get off the bus
and she still turned into that.
387
00:30:03,045 --> 00:30:06,715
- So it must be in the air.
- Why haven't we got it? And him?
388
00:30:06,882 --> 00:30:10,927
- Maybe only women get it.
- What kind of virus only affects women?
389
00:30:12,513 --> 00:30:15,389
- Bird flu.
- (ALL LAUGH)
390
00:30:17,476 --> 00:30:19,603
So where did all the men go?
391
00:30:19,770 --> 00:30:21,312
- (TAPPlNG)
- Shh!
392
00:30:23,065 --> 00:30:24,523
Shh, shh, shh...
393
00:30:24,692 --> 00:30:26,275
No, no, no, no!
394
00:30:28,904 --> 00:30:30,696
(MIKEY WHISPERING) What is it?
395
00:30:34,743 --> 00:30:36,744
(CAWlNG)
396
00:30:36,912 --> 00:30:38,371
(ALL SCREAM)
397
00:30:38,538 --> 00:30:41,165
(SOLDIER) Are you fucking retarded?
398
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:43,584
All the men are dead.
399
00:30:43,752 --> 00:30:47,505
- Sit down, Andy McNabb.
- Easy, mate. l'm not the enemy.
400
00:30:47,672 --> 00:30:50,174
- Really? See, l think you are.
- Right...
401
00:30:50,342 --> 00:30:53,844
We demand an explanation!
402
00:30:54,012 --> 00:30:56,555
Is it a biological weapon
gone out of control?
403
00:30:56,723 --> 00:30:58,474
It's classified is what it is.
404
00:30:58,642 --> 00:31:01,477
It's hardly classified, mate,
it's running about in stilettos!
405
00:31:01,645 --> 00:31:04,938
- I said sit down.
- Or what? Or what?
406
00:31:05,106 --> 00:31:07,190
(GROANlNG)
407
00:31:07,359 --> 00:31:09,527
(PATRICK SHOUTING) Oi! Oi! Oi!
408
00:31:11,946 --> 00:31:13,864
Kettle's boiled.
409
00:31:22,749 --> 00:31:25,375
- What's your name?
- Sergeant Gavin Wright.
410
00:31:25,543 --> 00:31:29,171
We don't give fuck about your rank.
We want an explanation.
411
00:31:29,338 --> 00:31:31,924
- It's virus.
- Why aren't we infected?
412
00:31:32,091 --> 00:31:35,135
I thought you'd worked this one out.
Only women get it.
413
00:31:35,303 --> 00:31:37,888
- Why?
- Just luck.
414
00:31:38,056 --> 00:31:40,515
Oh, that's not funny. ls there a cure?
415
00:31:40,683 --> 00:31:43,435
I don't think anybody
survived long enough to try.
416
00:31:43,602 --> 00:31:46,521
But that's not my department.
I'm just here to shoot them.
417
00:31:48,232 --> 00:31:50,108
- What...?
- How did it start?
418
00:31:50,276 --> 00:31:52,569
The only questions you need to ask are,
419
00:31:52,736 --> 00:31:55,447
"How many are there?"
and, "Are they in our way?"
420
00:31:55,614 --> 00:31:57,282
So, how many are there?
421
00:31:57,450 --> 00:31:59,826
The whole village
has gone over to the dark side.
422
00:31:59,993 --> 00:32:02,412
Most of them are out in the woods.
423
00:32:02,580 --> 00:32:05,832
So if you're thinking
of hiking out of here, think again.
424
00:32:05,999 --> 00:32:08,501
What the fuck are they doing
in the woods?
425
00:32:08,669 --> 00:32:13,047
Maybe they're all taking a shit.
Women like to go to the toilet together.
426
00:32:13,215 --> 00:32:16,968
What do you think they're doing?
They're looking for fresh meat.
427
00:32:18,011 --> 00:32:20,429
- So what's your exit plan?
- Same as yours.
428
00:32:20,598 --> 00:32:23,933
Get on the minibus
and fuck off out the way you came in.
429
00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:26,894
Well, there's little problem
with your plan, Marvin.
430
00:32:27,062 --> 00:32:31,941
Bad Candy lives on that bus.
And she's got a little skin complaint.
431
00:32:45,998 --> 00:32:50,751
When she gets off the bus, start running
and don't stop until you hear the horn.
432
00:32:50,918 --> 00:32:52,878
We'll come back and pick you up.
433
00:32:53,046 --> 00:32:55,839
Why are you so sure
she's gonna follow me?
434
00:32:56,007 --> 00:32:58,008
(ALL) Women love you.
435
00:32:59,552 --> 00:33:03,680
If you have to kill her, just do it.
She's not Candy anymore.
436
00:33:04,974 --> 00:33:07,768
She never was. Her name's Ruth.
437
00:33:07,935 --> 00:33:10,228
- Whatever.
- Well, stop calling her Candy.
438
00:33:10,397 --> 00:33:13,399
Neil, now is not the time
to stop objectifying women.
439
00:33:13,566 --> 00:33:15,316
Be new man tomorrow.
440
00:33:15,485 --> 00:33:20,531
Today, we need you to be the misogynist
Neanderthal arsehole we know and love.
441
00:33:20,698 --> 00:33:24,284
- You could get this virus next...
- Fuck off.
442
00:33:24,451 --> 00:33:26,494
You even hit like a girl.
443
00:33:27,329 --> 00:33:29,247
- What are you doing?
- Fucking go.
444
00:33:29,415 --> 00:33:31,541
- Liberty-taker.
- Hurry up!
445
00:33:31,709 --> 00:33:33,669
All right, l'm going.
446
00:33:48,642 --> 00:33:51,227
Come on... Come and have a nibble.
447
00:33:51,395 --> 00:33:53,939
- (SNARLS)
- You know you want it.
448
00:33:55,441 --> 00:33:57,525
- Bollocks.
- (SHE HISSES)
449
00:33:57,693 --> 00:33:59,402
(SHE GROWLS)
450
00:34:04,783 --> 00:34:06,909
(GROWLING)
451
00:34:10,497 --> 00:34:12,081
Get off the...
452
00:34:12,249 --> 00:34:15,460
- Go! Go!
- Quick, hurry up!
453
00:34:22,175 --> 00:34:24,802
(FRENZlED SHOUTlNG)
454
00:34:26,096 --> 00:34:28,097
(VINCE) Get the phones!
455
00:34:28,264 --> 00:34:29,724
Someone get the phones!
456
00:34:31,101 --> 00:34:33,686
(SHE GROWLS)
457
00:34:38,358 --> 00:34:39,900
Bastards!
458
00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,960
Aaargh! Fuckin' hell!
459
00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:13,267
(GARGLlNG)
460
00:35:17,897 --> 00:35:21,775
(DENTlST'S DRILL)
461
00:35:27,281 --> 00:35:30,659
Oh, man. We are dog meat.
462
00:35:32,286 --> 00:35:34,954
(MATT) They're everywhere!
463
00:35:35,122 --> 00:35:37,123
- Shit...
- Oh, man!
464
00:35:40,002 --> 00:35:41,502
Julie?
465
00:35:41,671 --> 00:35:43,212
Do you know her?
466
00:35:43,380 --> 00:35:44,798
(SHE GARGLES)
467
00:35:46,216 --> 00:35:49,093
Yeah, yeah...
We had thing once, it didn't end well.
468
00:35:49,261 --> 00:35:51,137
(SHE RETCHES)
469
00:35:51,305 --> 00:35:54,057
- I'm gonna be sick.
- How do you think l feel?!
470
00:35:54,224 --> 00:35:56,392
(SHE GROWLS)
471
00:35:58,062 --> 00:36:01,439
(TO HIMSELF) The phones...
I've got the fucking phones!
472
00:36:01,606 --> 00:36:03,232
Shit...
473
00:36:04,568 --> 00:36:08,446
- Do something! You're the soldier!
- Look at the fucking size of her!
474
00:36:10,365 --> 00:36:12,116
Oh, no...
475
00:36:14,453 --> 00:36:16,162
Get her off me!
476
00:36:21,293 --> 00:36:23,419
Look out, Vince. Look out!
477
00:36:28,508 --> 00:36:30,217
(VINCE) Fuck! Come on!
478
00:36:43,397 --> 00:36:44,857
(BOTH) Yeah!
479
00:36:45,942 --> 00:36:47,818
(DENTlST'S DRILL)
480
00:36:54,742 --> 00:36:56,451
Oh, look at your teeth!
481
00:37:00,039 --> 00:37:02,040
Fuckin' hell! Patrick!
482
00:37:08,714 --> 00:37:10,132
Ooh... Ow!
483
00:37:19,057 --> 00:37:22,269
- We should start placing bets.
- My money's on that one.
484
00:37:24,563 --> 00:37:26,439
Let's go!
485
00:37:30,318 --> 00:37:32,194
(VINCE) Everyone stay together!
486
00:37:32,821 --> 00:37:34,947
Here, here! Quick, come on.
487
00:37:39,912 --> 00:37:43,581
(SCREAMING)
488
00:37:58,721 --> 00:38:00,556
Ow!
489
00:38:01,474 --> 00:38:03,267
(HE GROANS)
490
00:38:07,230 --> 00:38:09,231
Fuckin' hell.
491
00:38:14,154 --> 00:38:17,323
Argh! Argh! Argh!
492
00:38:27,834 --> 00:38:29,585
(WHISTLE)
493
00:38:29,752 --> 00:38:33,213
("MATCH OF THE DAY"
MUSIC THEME)
494
00:38:35,049 --> 00:38:36,758
(DlSTANT CHEERING)
495
00:38:40,262 --> 00:38:42,806
("MATCH OF THE DAY"
TUNE CONTlNUES)
496
00:38:42,974 --> 00:38:45,058
(MUSIC STOPS)
497
00:38:46,435 --> 00:38:50,856
She'll be through that freakin' window
in a minute. Grab anything you can.
498
00:38:51,023 --> 00:38:52,691
(TAPPlNG)
499
00:38:54,694 --> 00:38:56,277
(Vince...)
500
00:38:56,445 --> 00:38:58,321
- Vince!
- What?
501
00:39:00,950 --> 00:39:03,576
Still in its original packaging!
502
00:39:05,872 --> 00:39:08,915
Weapons, Matt.
Grab any weapons you can.
503
00:39:09,083 --> 00:39:11,501
Not fuckin' robots.
504
00:39:11,668 --> 00:39:13,794
All right...I'm looking.
505
00:39:14,005 --> 00:39:16,089
(DOOR OPENS)
506
00:39:19,676 --> 00:39:21,719
Did you lock that?
507
00:39:26,517 --> 00:39:27,975
Matt! Matt!
508
00:39:28,143 --> 00:39:29,894
Where are you going? Matt!
509
00:39:31,772 --> 00:39:33,856
I'm coming!
510
00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:37,109
Weapons... Weapons...
511
00:39:39,154 --> 00:39:41,238
Matt! Matt!
512
00:39:41,407 --> 00:39:44,324
- What are you doing?
- Give us a lighter!
513
00:39:44,493 --> 00:39:46,744
In me pocket...
THE OTHER POCKET!
514
00:39:49,831 --> 00:39:52,541
(SHE SHRlEKS)
515
00:39:55,671 --> 00:39:59,089
Get back. lf they can't see us,
they'll forget we're in here.
516
00:39:59,257 --> 00:40:02,051
- That's optimistic, innit?
- They are easily confused.
517
00:40:05,889 --> 00:40:08,557
(SCREAMS IN HORROR)
518
00:40:18,901 --> 00:40:22,654
NOW you decide to shoot someone,
you fucking monkey's arse-ring.
519
00:40:22,822 --> 00:40:24,406
You had a gun all along?
520
00:40:24,574 --> 00:40:26,366
(GUN CLICKS)
521
00:40:26,534 --> 00:40:29,786
I was saving the last bullet
for when l needed it.
522
00:40:29,954 --> 00:40:31,746
You're still a twat.
523
00:40:32,748 --> 00:40:35,083
(GROWLING)
524
00:40:36,544 --> 00:40:39,463
Fuck, l think you've just sent out
a party invite.
525
00:40:41,841 --> 00:40:44,342
Do they sell petrol in toy shops?
526
00:40:44,510 --> 00:40:45,969
No.
527
00:40:46,136 --> 00:40:49,222
It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars.
528
00:40:51,433 --> 00:40:53,392
Don't you know anything?!
529
00:40:53,561 --> 00:40:58,272
I know we need to be tooled up with
something that wasn't made in Taiwan.
530
00:41:23,423 --> 00:41:25,966
Who taught you to drive?
Let me have a go.
531
00:41:28,052 --> 00:41:29,470
Get off!
532
00:41:35,977 --> 00:41:37,770
Reverse. Reverse. Over here!
533
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:52,868
(VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE)
Hello? Are we in there?
534
00:41:53,036 --> 00:41:56,454
- I take it you're in a toy shop.
- Who's there? ls Neil there?
535
00:41:56,623 --> 00:41:58,874
No, just me, Mikey
and the Milky Bar Kid.
536
00:41:59,042 --> 00:42:00,918
- My name's Gavin.
- Whatever.
537
00:42:01,085 --> 00:42:04,129
The speed Neil was running,
he's probably halfway home.
538
00:42:04,297 --> 00:42:08,967
(POP MUSlC: SPACE'S
"FEMALE OF THE SPECIES")
539
00:42:12,305 --> 00:42:14,389
(SOBS)
540
00:42:20,229 --> 00:42:21,896
(WOMAN) Mmm...
541
00:42:22,065 --> 00:42:23,941
(SHE MOANS)
542
00:42:24,108 --> 00:42:28,486
# A thousand thundering thrills await me
543
00:42:28,654 --> 00:42:31,364
# Facing insurmountable odds, greatly #
544
00:42:31,532 --> 00:42:33,408
You're so sexy, do you know that?
545
00:42:33,576 --> 00:42:37,036
# The female of the species
is more deadly...#
546
00:42:37,205 --> 00:42:40,832
Why don't we forget about all this?
This finger food.
547
00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:44,544
That's a really lovely spread.
548
00:42:44,712 --> 00:42:47,839
But why don't we
just take this upstairs, eh?
549
00:42:48,006 --> 00:42:50,299
(SHE LAUGHS)
550
00:42:51,594 --> 00:42:53,636
We're both adults.
551
00:42:55,013 --> 00:42:56,889
I'm a man...
552
00:42:59,101 --> 00:43:01,603
You're a...
(HE RETCHES)
553
00:43:04,522 --> 00:43:06,398
You're a woman.
554
00:43:08,652 --> 00:43:12,029
This could be the start
of something special - you and me...
555
00:43:13,073 --> 00:43:15,491
All you've gotta do...
556
00:43:16,534 --> 00:43:18,995
..is...untie me, yeah?
557
00:43:19,162 --> 00:43:21,247
(CACKLES)
558
00:43:23,666 --> 00:43:26,127
Just untie me, please.
559
00:43:28,630 --> 00:43:30,797
(ROARS)
560
00:43:33,635 --> 00:43:35,719
(GROWLS)
561
00:43:43,978 --> 00:43:46,021
Come on, then. Come on!
562
00:43:46,188 --> 00:43:48,064
(ROARS)
563
00:43:49,108 --> 00:43:52,193
- (ELECTRlC KNlFE WHIRS)
- No, no, don't do that. No.
564
00:43:52,362 --> 00:43:55,071
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
565
00:44:02,789 --> 00:44:06,958
(WOMAN ON iPOD) Fear and panic
are only chemicals within your body.
566
00:44:07,126 --> 00:44:11,087
Anxiety is nothing more
than a chemical reaction.
567
00:44:11,255 --> 00:44:14,174
So, what's the plan?
568
00:44:15,176 --> 00:44:17,510
What do you mean what's the plan?
569
00:44:17,678 --> 00:44:19,930
The plan. What's the plan?
570
00:44:20,097 --> 00:44:23,016
- I haven't got one. What's yours?
- I've got a plan.
571
00:44:23,184 --> 00:44:26,269
What's all this bollocks
with the walkie-talkies, then?
572
00:44:26,437 --> 00:44:29,940
Just fancied a chat about
something other than Star Wars.
573
00:44:30,107 --> 00:44:32,317
Oh... How is Matt?
574
00:44:36,863 --> 00:44:39,074
Yeah, the force is with him.
575
00:44:39,241 --> 00:44:42,702
(DRAMATlC ACTION MOVIE MUSIC)
576
00:44:46,915 --> 00:44:48,958
- Oi!
- What?
577
00:44:49,125 --> 00:44:50,710
I said I've got a plan.
578
00:44:52,379 --> 00:44:53,754
Go on, then.
579
00:44:53,922 --> 00:44:56,507
You're the double hard bastard.
You do it.
580
00:44:56,675 --> 00:44:58,634
It's your plan, arsehole.
581
00:44:58,802 --> 00:45:00,928
You two are so gay!
582
00:45:07,435 --> 00:45:09,478
(MIKEY) Your mum's an arsehole.
583
00:45:14,735 --> 00:45:17,069
(WHISPERS)
The payload has been delivered.
584
00:45:17,237 --> 00:45:18,779
(VINCE) What?
585
00:45:18,947 --> 00:45:21,198
The head's in the truck, man.
You ready?
586
00:45:30,666 --> 00:45:33,793
We're gonna need a diversion
for our diversion.
587
00:45:33,962 --> 00:45:35,337
I'm on it.
588
00:45:46,724 --> 00:45:49,268
Come and get your meals on wheels.
589
00:46:34,939 --> 00:46:36,605
(BOTH) No!
590
00:46:38,233 --> 00:46:39,733
(BOTH CHEER)
591
00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:53,789
Fuck off!
592
00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:58,252
- Do the horn.
- (HORN TOOTS)
593
00:47:00,755 --> 00:47:03,591
You're not getting the better of me.
594
00:47:04,968 --> 00:47:07,761
(GROANS)
595
00:47:09,514 --> 00:47:11,599
Turn it, you're gonna go
out of range!
596
00:47:11,766 --> 00:47:14,101
I'm turning it. l'm turning it!
597
00:47:14,268 --> 00:47:16,478
Get off!
598
00:47:19,148 --> 00:47:20,941
Oh, f... No!
599
00:47:28,324 --> 00:47:30,868
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- Fuckin' hell.
600
00:47:35,915 --> 00:47:38,083
- Fucking thing!
- (CAR ALARM GOES OFF)
601
00:47:44,548 --> 00:47:47,550
- How could things get any worse?
- (VlNCE) Mikey?
602
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:51,763
- Yeah?
- Mikey, they've spotted you.
603
00:47:51,930 --> 00:47:56,017
(CAR ALARM STOPS)
604
00:47:59,980 --> 00:48:01,523
Great.
605
00:48:09,281 --> 00:48:12,534
(SHE GIGGLES)
606
00:48:15,913 --> 00:48:19,165
(SHE MOANS)
607
00:48:19,332 --> 00:48:21,250
Mm... Yum...
608
00:48:23,086 --> 00:48:25,421
Yum!
609
00:48:26,924 --> 00:48:28,883
(RETCHES)
610
00:48:33,972 --> 00:48:35,973
(GASPS)
611
00:48:59,456 --> 00:49:02,082
(VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE)
Mikey?
612
00:49:02,250 --> 00:49:04,125
- Mikey?
- (ROARS)
613
00:49:04,294 --> 00:49:06,127
Mikey!
614
00:49:06,296 --> 00:49:07,713
Fuck.
615
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:10,507
- Come on. Let's go.
- No, wait. Wait.
616
00:49:10,675 --> 00:49:13,677
I am not going out there half-cocked.
617
00:49:15,888 --> 00:49:18,098
Let's party.
618
00:49:19,517 --> 00:49:21,518
Where's mine?
619
00:49:22,228 --> 00:49:24,520
Well, there's only one.
620
00:49:26,065 --> 00:49:28,233
No, look, got a spare.
621
00:49:32,321 --> 00:49:33,780
No?
622
00:49:34,615 --> 00:49:36,867
All right, you can have my backup.
623
00:49:38,660 --> 00:49:40,245
What's this?
624
00:49:41,788 --> 00:49:44,040
I will make you feel sexy.
625
00:49:45,084 --> 00:49:46,584
Yeah!
626
00:49:47,169 --> 00:49:50,630
Right, then. Come on, Vince.
Me and you - Butch and Sundance!
627
00:49:50,797 --> 00:49:53,591
- They both died.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah!
628
00:49:53,759 --> 00:49:56,469
- Come on, you gimp. Let's go.
- Yeah!
629
00:49:56,637 --> 00:49:58,304
Woo-hoo!
630
00:50:00,056 --> 00:50:03,893
(BOTH) Aaaargh!
631
00:50:06,397 --> 00:50:07,772
Aargh!
632
00:50:10,526 --> 00:50:13,235
Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing!
633
00:50:13,404 --> 00:50:14,779
Hurry up!
634
00:50:17,616 --> 00:50:19,742
(SHE SCREAMS)
635
00:50:32,088 --> 00:50:33,631
Oh!
636
00:50:38,553 --> 00:50:40,012
Oh, shit!
637
00:50:49,981 --> 00:50:51,731
Argh!
638
00:50:53,443 --> 00:50:55,402
(GROANS)
639
00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:35,775
Ta.
640
00:51:40,030 --> 00:51:41,572
What do we do now?
641
00:51:41,741 --> 00:51:45,284
We do what everyone else does,
when they're facing mortality.
642
00:51:45,452 --> 00:51:47,203
(BOTH) Run.
643
00:51:50,207 --> 00:51:54,043
Wait, wait.
I bet you a tenner it's locked.
644
00:51:54,753 --> 00:51:55,753
(MATT) Bollocks.
645
00:51:55,921 --> 00:51:57,588
(VINCE) You owe me tenner.
646
00:52:01,010 --> 00:52:03,136
Oh, my God.
647
00:52:05,472 --> 00:52:07,140
(GASPS)
648
00:52:13,272 --> 00:52:15,856
Look, look.
649
00:52:20,529 --> 00:52:23,864
(VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE)
Mikey? Neil? ls anyone there?
650
00:52:24,032 --> 00:52:29,202
- Where's the walkie-talkie?
- (VlNCE) Lads, can you hear me?
651
00:52:29,370 --> 00:52:33,123
Me and Matt, we're in the church
but we've locked the doors.
652
00:52:33,291 --> 00:52:37,878
So if you get over here, please
just let me know. Try and get over here.
653
00:52:44,761 --> 00:52:46,845
- (THUD)
- We have to get out of here.
654
00:52:47,013 --> 00:52:50,557
Let's follow your mates over
to the church. It's our best chance.
655
00:52:50,724 --> 00:52:53,768
I think it's a bit late
to start praying, don't you?
656
00:52:54,938 --> 00:52:57,898
You feeling all right, mate?
657
00:52:58,066 --> 00:53:00,567
I have just had a genius idea.
658
00:53:00,734 --> 00:53:05,488
- (GRAHAM) Is everyone ready?
- (MIKEY) You're loving this, aren't you?
659
00:53:05,656 --> 00:53:07,740
- Garry?
- It's Gavin.
660
00:53:07,908 --> 00:53:10,034
(GAVIN) Let's just get it over with.
661
00:53:13,747 --> 00:53:16,458
- What?
- You've done this before, haven't you?
662
00:53:16,625 --> 00:53:20,044
- Don't get any funny ideas
- Don't worry, he's not a lesbian.
663
00:53:20,212 --> 00:53:23,881
- Is this gonna work or what?
- Let's try.
664
00:53:24,883 --> 00:53:27,218
Here she is!
665
00:53:27,386 --> 00:53:31,055
(RETCHES)
666
00:53:52,577 --> 00:53:55,287
(GRAHAM) Vince, open the church door.
667
00:53:58,708 --> 00:54:00,334
Oh, fuck.
668
00:54:12,930 --> 00:54:15,724
- Fuckin' hell.
- Come on, come on!
669
00:54:16,684 --> 00:54:19,520
No, no, no! Don't go in there!
Don't go in there!
670
00:54:45,546 --> 00:54:47,505
Wait! That's my nine iron.
671
00:54:47,674 --> 00:54:49,424
(SNARLS)
672
00:54:49,591 --> 00:54:51,677
(LAUGHS)
673
00:54:52,636 --> 00:54:54,095
Come on!
674
00:55:02,063 --> 00:55:05,606
- Oh, Christ, it's the ex.
- Vince, we're outside. Open the door.
675
00:55:06,817 --> 00:55:09,360
(MUTTERS)
Don't move, just keep smiling.
676
00:55:10,737 --> 00:55:12,655
Our clothes are in there! Shit!
677
00:55:12,823 --> 00:55:14,824
(GARGLES)
678
00:55:14,991 --> 00:55:18,244
Oh, for fuck's sake, Julie.
We split up, get over it!
679
00:55:23,124 --> 00:55:25,210
All right, gays...guys!
680
00:55:26,253 --> 00:55:30,130
- Where did you come from?
- I took the scenic route.
681
00:55:31,425 --> 00:55:33,300
Come on.
682
00:55:35,512 --> 00:55:37,597
I hate you. I hate you.
683
00:55:38,890 --> 00:55:43,811
Why don't you just sit on me
and get it over with, you fat fucking pig!
684
00:56:12,465 --> 00:56:14,549
Vince.
685
00:56:14,717 --> 00:56:18,553
- I really wanna go home.
- OK. OK, let's go.
686
00:56:19,639 --> 00:56:21,556
Let's go home.
687
00:56:24,018 --> 00:56:27,604
(GRAHAM) Vince, are you taking piss?
This isn't funny any more.
688
00:56:27,772 --> 00:56:30,106
- Let us in.
- Hold on, we're coming.
689
00:56:31,609 --> 00:56:34,569
- Come on, hurry up!
- What are they doing?
690
00:56:34,737 --> 00:56:37,697
- What are you doing...
- What the fuck's this?!
691
00:56:37,865 --> 00:56:40,659
- (MIKEY) Shh, don't laugh at me!
- Neil! Neil!
692
00:56:40,826 --> 00:56:43,620
- (Oi!)
- Where the fuck have you been?
693
00:56:43,788 --> 00:56:47,123
(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC:
"BAD-ASS CRAZY LADY")
694
00:56:48,208 --> 00:56:51,044
# She's dressed to kill
Oh, what a thrill
695
00:56:51,211 --> 00:56:53,296
# Mess with her
And you're bound to get ill
696
00:56:53,463 --> 00:56:56,090
# She'll chew you up and spit you out
697
00:56:56,258 --> 00:56:58,927
- # She'll leave a scar...
- Hello, girls.
698
00:56:59,094 --> 00:57:02,430
- ..# She knows what she likes...
- Who's first?
699
00:57:02,597 --> 00:57:05,391
# She looks at me with those crazy eyes
700
00:57:05,559 --> 00:57:07,768
# Takes no time for me to realise
701
00:57:07,937 --> 00:57:10,229
# She's a wild-eyed crazy lady
702
00:57:10,397 --> 00:57:17,987
# Bad-ass crazy lady
703
00:57:23,327 --> 00:57:25,411
# Wild-eyed crazy lady
704
00:57:25,579 --> 00:57:27,621
# Bad-ass crazy lady
705
00:57:27,789 --> 00:57:31,209
- # Wild-eyed crazy lady...#
- I'll call you.
706
00:57:31,376 --> 00:57:34,670
Show's over. Everyone get inside.
707
00:57:34,838 --> 00:57:37,881
- I don't think so.
- Is that supposed to frighten me?
708
00:57:38,049 --> 00:57:41,510
- He said it would make me fell sexy.
- Does it?
709
00:57:41,678 --> 00:57:43,721
A little bit, yeah.
710
00:57:47,976 --> 00:57:49,643
Oh, for God's sake!
711
00:57:49,811 --> 00:57:52,813
Can we leave this male posturing
bullshit till later?
712
00:57:57,902 --> 00:58:00,696
(ALL SHOUT)
Everyone get inside!
713
00:58:08,788 --> 00:58:12,290
I don't think l actually ever used
that finger for anything.
714
00:58:13,334 --> 00:58:16,586
- (MIKEY) There's nothing up here.
- Come back, then.
715
00:58:16,754 --> 00:58:18,130
We're nearly there.
716
00:58:18,297 --> 00:58:20,757
- Ahh!
- Oh, shut up, you girl.
717
00:58:21,634 --> 00:58:23,885
(GRAHAM) That's it.
718
00:58:24,053 --> 00:58:26,096
Talking of girls...
719
00:58:26,264 --> 00:58:29,266
There's not even a spare
choir-boy outfit up there.
720
00:58:29,433 --> 00:58:32,101
Sit down, silly-bollocks,
you look gorgeous.
721
00:58:32,270 --> 00:58:38,024
- I think that butcher took a shine to you.
- Nah, she's not my type, that one.
722
00:58:38,191 --> 00:58:39,901
What about one of the others?
723
00:58:40,068 --> 00:58:43,321
- You would, wouldn't you?
- Don't you ever have a day off?
724
00:58:43,489 --> 00:58:47,575
There were three kinky birds
in that house.
725
00:58:47,743 --> 00:58:50,244
For second, l thought, you know...
726
00:58:50,413 --> 00:58:54,290
as long as they don't start
with that sicking-up bollocks...
727
00:58:54,457 --> 00:58:56,959
The one with the, um,
scissors is pretty fit.
728
00:58:57,127 --> 00:59:01,380
She'll have your bollocks for earrings
before you've even bought her a drink.
729
00:59:01,548 --> 00:59:04,300
- I like the one with the axe.
- (BOTH) She's married.
730
00:59:04,467 --> 00:59:07,845
I can't believe this!
You people have no respect for women.
731
00:59:08,013 --> 00:59:12,266
Oh, come on, Graham.
That's why you bat for the other side?
732
00:59:12,434 --> 00:59:14,768
All women are mental.
733
00:59:14,937 --> 00:59:19,440
You can't make that kind of sweeping
generalisation about an entire gender.
734
00:59:19,607 --> 00:59:22,526
Why not? Look at us.
735
00:59:22,694 --> 00:59:26,905
Look at Vince. His glory days are over.
His missus did that to him.
736
00:59:27,074 --> 00:59:30,951
He was king when he met her.
She turned him into a fucking ghost.
737
00:59:31,119 --> 00:59:35,581
We brought him out here to convince
him that all women aren't out to get him.
738
00:59:35,748 --> 00:59:37,624
Yeah, thanks for that, lads.
739
00:59:37,792 --> 00:59:40,126
It's all gone really fuckin' well, innit?
740
00:59:45,925 --> 00:59:48,677
- What are you looking for?
- Yes.
741
00:59:48,845 --> 00:59:50,804
This.
742
00:59:50,972 --> 00:59:53,056
I've done it!
743
00:59:53,224 --> 00:59:55,100
Right.
744
01:00:00,147 --> 01:00:03,483
Wow, we've got the whole village
under surveillance.
745
01:00:10,700 --> 01:00:13,368
Well, it's about time.
746
01:00:13,535 --> 01:00:16,162
You've been offline for nearly 24 hours.
747
01:00:16,330 --> 01:00:20,458
And why was my so-called escort
called back to Moodley last night,
748
01:00:20,626 --> 01:00:23,879
and left me chained
to the fucking briefcase?
749
01:00:24,046 --> 01:00:27,798
That's Meg Nut from the poster, look.
750
01:00:32,513 --> 01:00:34,597
Who are you?
751
01:00:36,725 --> 01:00:39,852
You're not involved
with Project Cat-house.
752
01:00:40,020 --> 01:00:42,230
Where's the Colonel?
753
01:00:51,448 --> 01:00:54,074
- Get her back.
- It's on fire.
754
01:00:54,242 --> 01:00:57,161
(BEEPING)
755
01:00:57,579 --> 01:00:59,705
(DlSTANT HOWLING)
756
01:00:59,873 --> 01:01:01,666
It's happening.
757
01:01:05,170 --> 01:01:06,921
- What's happening?
- Phase lI.
758
01:01:07,088 --> 01:01:10,925
Hold on a minute. What's Phase l?
759
01:01:11,092 --> 01:01:14,804
Sickness, disorientation, psychosis.
760
01:01:14,971 --> 01:01:16,972
Phase II is the mutation.
761
01:01:17,140 --> 01:01:21,310
They're gonna get smarter,
faster and weirder.
762
01:01:44,792 --> 01:01:47,377
- What's that?
- It's called The Dolphin.
763
01:01:47,545 --> 01:01:50,755
There are high-frequency
sonic deterrents all over the village,
764
01:01:50,923 --> 01:01:53,216
emitting painful sound
only women can hear.
765
01:01:53,384 --> 01:01:57,136
- So there was a fail-safe all along.
- It only works after Phase Il.
766
01:01:57,304 --> 01:02:00,557
- Obviously.
- Well, stop talking and press the button.
767
01:02:13,487 --> 01:02:15,697
- Is it working?
- I dunno.
768
01:02:16,741 --> 01:02:18,700
Can YOU hear it?
769
01:02:18,868 --> 01:02:21,077
(CRASH)
770
01:02:23,413 --> 01:02:25,623
Um, that doesn't work, does it?
771
01:02:25,791 --> 01:02:28,292
This isn't funny.
They'll be relentless now.
772
01:02:28,460 --> 01:02:30,378
They hunt in packs. We are fucked!
773
01:02:30,545 --> 01:02:35,383
For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing
with few insane women any more.
774
01:02:35,550 --> 01:02:37,885
What you boys
have actually created here
775
01:02:38,053 --> 01:02:42,473
is an army of pissed off,
man-hating, feminist cannibals.
776
01:02:42,641 --> 01:02:47,186
This biological weapon can turn one half
of the population against the other.
777
01:02:47,354 --> 01:02:52,024
- We can fight wars with no armies.
- So this is a test run?
778
01:02:52,191 --> 01:02:55,068
You set the virus loose
in an isolated little village
779
01:02:55,236 --> 01:02:57,405
and then sit and watch it on the telly?
780
01:02:57,572 --> 01:03:00,991
They used to do this kind of thing
in the '50s with LSD.
781
01:03:01,159 --> 01:03:04,495
Thanks, Matthew. What does
Meg Nut have to do with this?
782
01:03:04,663 --> 01:03:09,457
- Not much. She's just a delivery girl.
- Yeah. But delivering WHAT?
783
01:03:09,626 --> 01:03:12,920
How fucking stupid are you people?
What do you think?
784
01:03:13,087 --> 01:03:15,172
A free box of Wundawash?
785
01:03:20,845 --> 01:03:24,973
The virus
is in the washing powder, look.
786
01:03:25,141 --> 01:03:26,724
It's biological.
787
01:03:34,733 --> 01:03:36,693
(SHE LAUGHS)
788
01:03:36,860 --> 01:03:38,570
Everybody, get back.
789
01:03:42,616 --> 01:03:46,411
- Leave her out of it. That's my nan.
- I thought she was on a cruise.
790
01:03:46,579 --> 01:03:48,371
Yeah...So did I.
791
01:03:50,208 --> 01:03:52,334
Matt. Matt, no!
792
01:04:19,820 --> 01:04:22,321
You've, um...
793
01:04:23,448 --> 01:04:25,574
There's some stuff on your face.
794
01:04:32,749 --> 01:04:35,209
All right, Matt?
795
01:04:43,051 --> 01:04:45,094
(GRAHAM) Thank you.
796
01:04:46,888 --> 01:04:49,556
Don't go in there, Matt.
It's the mortuary.
797
01:04:49,724 --> 01:04:51,642
I think he's traumatised.
798
01:04:51,809 --> 01:04:56,230
I'm the one who's fucking traumatised!
Look what he did to my nan.
799
01:04:56,398 --> 01:04:58,565
(VINCE) Matt? Matt?
800
01:05:02,904 --> 01:05:04,738
Matt...
801
01:05:09,411 --> 01:05:12,496
Vince. Run, run!
802
01:05:21,839 --> 01:05:24,174
What's happened?
803
01:05:24,341 --> 01:05:26,134
Is he all right?
804
01:05:26,302 --> 01:05:28,303
No.
805
01:05:29,513 --> 01:05:32,098
So, where is he, then?
806
01:05:32,266 --> 01:05:34,810
He's dead.
807
01:05:44,861 --> 01:05:47,697
(RAGGED BREATHlNG)
808
01:06:16,893 --> 01:06:18,811
Come on!
809
01:06:34,327 --> 01:06:36,328
That's for Matt...
810
01:06:37,455 --> 01:06:39,498
..bitch.
811
01:06:46,089 --> 01:06:48,173
Shit, shit...
812
01:06:50,010 --> 01:06:54,013
- Look at the state of him.
- We can't just leave him here.
813
01:06:54,180 --> 01:06:57,307
What, in mortuary (?)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
814
01:06:58,768 --> 01:07:01,186
I'm just as freaked out as you are.
815
01:07:02,813 --> 01:07:04,523
(DOOR CREAKS)
816
01:07:04,690 --> 01:07:06,566
What was that?
817
01:07:20,915 --> 01:07:24,167
Vince, don't go down there,
that's how she got in.
818
01:07:24,334 --> 01:07:25,877
(THUD)
819
01:07:27,672 --> 01:07:30,674
Yeah, and it might be our only way out.
820
01:07:37,556 --> 01:07:39,390
Ew...
821
01:07:48,901 --> 01:07:50,818
(COUGHING)
822
01:07:57,701 --> 01:08:00,453
(COUGHING AND RETCHING)
823
01:08:16,553 --> 01:08:21,181
- It's the other half of Moodley.
- Jesus, it's all the men.
824
01:08:21,349 --> 01:08:24,267
- You mean parts of them.
- It's a nest.
825
01:08:28,898 --> 01:08:30,899
(GURGLING GROWL)
826
01:08:31,067 --> 01:08:33,151
Come on, come on!
827
01:08:38,491 --> 01:08:40,659
- Get up, come on!
- Get up!
828
01:08:53,589 --> 01:08:55,507
Get up the stairs! Come on!
829
01:08:59,720 --> 01:09:01,763
Vince, Vince! Come on!
830
01:09:01,930 --> 01:09:05,016
- Neil! Neil!
- Close the door!
831
01:09:07,019 --> 01:09:10,062
(VINCE) Neil, give us a hand with this!
832
01:09:22,284 --> 01:09:24,411
Hurry up, will ya?
833
01:09:25,454 --> 01:09:28,080
Oi, what are you pair of tarts
doing up there?
834
01:09:28,248 --> 01:09:31,375
Banksy, what time do you call this?
835
01:09:31,544 --> 01:09:34,170
You would not believe
the shit day I've had.
836
01:09:36,048 --> 01:09:38,174
- What's going on?
- Listen, soft-lad,
837
01:09:38,341 --> 01:09:42,804
outside Mikey's nan's house, there's
a big ladder, go and bring it back here.
838
01:09:42,971 --> 01:09:44,806
What's with the...
839
01:09:44,973 --> 01:09:48,392
- Get the fucking ladder, soppy bollocks.
- Hurry up.
840
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,603
(BANKSY) All right, all right,
don't get all aggressive.
841
01:09:53,273 --> 01:09:55,649
(PATRICK) Fuck, help me out!
842
01:09:55,817 --> 01:09:58,652
- Get your ass outside.
- I think I'll stay a bit.
843
01:09:58,820 --> 01:10:02,198
Get your ass outside now.
Go, fuck off.
844
01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,866
Pat, go on.
845
01:10:05,035 --> 01:10:07,119
- All right?
- Vince?
846
01:10:07,287 --> 01:10:09,288
Hurry up!
847
01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:14,126
I can see your bikini line from here.
What's with the frock?
848
01:10:16,045 --> 01:10:18,714
- What are you doing?
- Vince said a get ladder.
849
01:10:18,881 --> 01:10:21,800
So we can get down, you plank,
not so you can get up.
850
01:10:21,968 --> 01:10:24,720
- What's happening?
- All the women have gone evil.
851
01:10:24,887 --> 01:10:28,515
One of them ate Neil's finger,
Matt killed me nan with a nine iron
852
01:10:28,683 --> 01:10:32,478
and now he's dead, and we need
to get down the sodding ladder. Down.
853
01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:34,855
You lot been taking drugs?
854
01:10:35,857 --> 01:10:39,192
- You got some left?
- Get down, get down!
855
01:10:39,360 --> 01:10:41,152
Move, move!
856
01:10:49,286 --> 01:10:51,329
Go back up!
857
01:10:57,628 --> 01:10:59,379
(MIKEY) We're alive!
858
01:11:01,090 --> 01:11:02,924
Let go!
859
01:11:06,262 --> 01:11:07,928
(BANKSY) Who's the monster?
860
01:11:08,097 --> 01:11:10,765
- What are you still doing here?
- Wishing l wasn't.
861
01:11:13,144 --> 01:11:15,978
- (MIKEY) Come on!
- Come on, Pat. Come here.
862
01:11:16,147 --> 01:11:19,149
- (MIKEY) Come on, Pat.
- Watch his leg!
863
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:25,029
- Graham, come on, let's go.
- You go.
864
01:11:25,196 --> 01:11:27,782
I'm right behind you.
865
01:11:49,054 --> 01:11:50,846
Fuck me.
866
01:11:51,014 --> 01:11:53,140
(ROARS)
867
01:11:54,475 --> 01:11:56,268
Fuckin' hell.
868
01:12:00,773 --> 01:12:03,817
This is worse than
the fucking Pamplona Bull Run.
869
01:12:07,488 --> 01:12:09,489
Fuckin' hell!
870
01:12:15,455 --> 01:12:18,373
(lNDISTINCT SHOUTlNG)
871
01:12:18,541 --> 01:12:21,293
(GROWLING)
872
01:12:22,712 --> 01:12:24,838
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
873
01:12:34,098 --> 01:12:35,724
Jesus!
874
01:12:37,435 --> 01:12:40,895
- Get the ladder. Get the ladder.
- What's this one?
875
01:12:46,944 --> 01:12:48,612
Come on!
876
01:12:55,786 --> 01:12:57,787
- Come on!
- Vince, Vince...
877
01:13:08,090 --> 01:13:10,925
- Banksy, give us your phone.
- I left it at home.
878
01:13:11,093 --> 01:13:13,511
Right, of course, yeah...
879
01:13:13,678 --> 01:13:15,346
Where are you parked, then?
880
01:13:15,514 --> 01:13:18,266
Behind the big billboard lying
across the street.
881
01:13:18,433 --> 01:13:21,269
(PANTING)
882
01:13:26,941 --> 01:13:29,026
(VINCE) What's that?
883
01:13:29,194 --> 01:13:32,238
- It's a rental.
- It's a rental?
884
01:13:34,198 --> 01:13:36,825
What do you mean it's a rental?
Where's your van?
885
01:13:36,993 --> 01:13:39,077
- It broke down, I forgot.
- You forgot?
886
01:13:39,245 --> 01:13:41,705
Repeating everything l say
ain't gonna help, Vince.
887
01:13:41,873 --> 01:13:44,542
What's not gonna help
is that fuckin' moon buggy.
888
01:13:44,709 --> 01:13:47,545
Maybe we can squeeze in.
I'll sit on someone's lap.
889
01:13:47,712 --> 01:13:52,340
Shut up. Forget it, it's too small.
Why did you even get here?
890
01:13:52,508 --> 01:13:55,593
- What are you trying to say?
- This trip was bad a idea.
891
01:13:55,762 --> 01:13:57,680
No...really (?)
892
01:13:57,847 --> 01:14:02,059
- It could be worse.
- It could be worse?
893
01:14:02,226 --> 01:14:05,687
How many fingers am l holding up?
They're fucking eating us!
894
01:14:05,855 --> 01:14:09,566
- How can it get any worse?
- Can everyone shut the fuck up?
895
01:14:09,733 --> 01:14:15,197
Cracking skulls open with a nine iron
is not my idea of golfing holiday!
896
01:14:15,364 --> 01:14:19,159
But this is not Mikey's fault,
and it's not Banksy's.
897
01:14:19,327 --> 01:14:21,994
I'm sure as fucking shit,
it's not mine either.
898
01:14:23,122 --> 01:14:25,123
Relax... Relax...
899
01:14:26,041 --> 01:14:31,379
Now, we all need to work together
to facilitate some kind of positive -
900
01:14:31,547 --> 01:14:35,800
and l mean POSlTIVE escape scenario,
'cause l'm not dying in this shit hole!
901
01:14:45,143 --> 01:14:47,437
(GROWLING)
902
01:14:52,192 --> 01:14:56,445
(iPOD) There's nothing wrong
with you that can't be fixed with a smile.
903
01:14:58,824 --> 01:15:00,908
Get on the bus.
904
01:15:03,536 --> 01:15:05,329
Come on!
905
01:15:06,581 --> 01:15:08,457
Ruth!
906
01:15:11,086 --> 01:15:13,129
(SHE HISSES)
907
01:15:19,011 --> 01:15:37,194
Banksy!
908
01:15:43,493 --> 01:15:46,412
Come on! l've had enough
of standing here!
909
01:15:46,579 --> 01:15:49,706
I'll fuckin stick it in ya!
I'll fucking stick it in ya!
910
01:15:49,874 --> 01:15:51,917
(VINCE) Get in the fucking bus!
911
01:15:52,084 --> 01:15:54,711
I'm fucking sick of it! Fuck!
912
01:15:55,713 --> 01:15:57,923
Come on, Vince, let's go!
Let's go!
913
01:16:01,928 --> 01:16:05,596
- What are you doing?
- I'm having a mid-life crisis.
914
01:16:07,641 --> 01:16:09,893
What, now? Can't it wait?
915
01:16:10,061 --> 01:16:11,477
No.
916
01:16:11,645 --> 01:16:14,105
Well, it's about fucking time.
917
01:16:16,943 --> 01:16:19,319
Anyone seen me lighter?
918
01:16:19,486 --> 01:16:21,696
Where's me lighter?
919
01:16:24,491 --> 01:16:27,535
Oi, look after it next time, yeah?
920
01:16:32,541 --> 01:16:36,919
You know, I always thought you two
were completely fucking useless.
921
01:16:37,087 --> 01:16:40,631
You - you just follow your dick
like it's a fucking compass.
922
01:16:40,799 --> 01:16:44,844
And you - you're letting your marriage
slip through your fucking fingers.
923
01:16:45,011 --> 01:16:47,430
Neither of you
know anything about women.
924
01:16:47,598 --> 01:16:51,809
- So why are you two still fuckin' alive?
- We're not gonna be for much longer,
925
01:16:51,977 --> 01:16:54,895
if you don't stop yapping
and get us out of here!
926
01:16:57,190 --> 01:17:03,278
The rest of us, we try to do everything
by the book - and we get shafted.
927
01:17:03,446 --> 01:17:05,948
We try to be what they want us to be.
928
01:17:06,116 --> 01:17:12,747
You know, we become reliable,
mature, domesticated.
929
01:17:13,915 --> 01:17:16,125
And then what happens?
930
01:17:16,292 --> 01:17:19,419
They get bored -
that's what happens.
931
01:17:23,216 --> 01:17:28,053
If all women really want is pet,
why don't they buy a fucking Labrador?
932
01:17:31,224 --> 01:17:35,394
I've had enough,
being told to sit, and lie down,
933
01:17:35,561 --> 01:17:38,438
and roll over, and play dead.
934
01:17:46,113 --> 01:17:50,409
From now on,
what you see is what you get.
935
01:17:55,247 --> 01:17:56,915
For fuck's sake!
936
01:17:57,082 --> 01:17:59,834
Vince, you do know the road's blocked.
937
01:18:00,002 --> 01:18:04,172
Bollocks to the roadblock. l've been
living by the highway code all my life.
938
01:18:04,339 --> 01:18:07,967
Where did it get me?
A one-way ticket to Moodley.
939
01:18:08,135 --> 01:18:12,305
Buckle up, lads.
We're going off road.
940
01:18:17,436 --> 01:18:19,603
Whoo!
941
01:18:30,199 --> 01:18:33,742
Vince, watch out for the old biddy.
942
01:18:35,287 --> 01:18:37,330
Whoa, easy, easy!
943
01:18:46,965 --> 01:18:48,799
Oh, my God!
944
01:18:55,390 --> 01:18:57,350
What was that?
945
01:18:57,517 --> 01:18:59,560
Fat bird.
946
01:19:00,937 --> 01:19:03,188
Slow down, Vince. Slow down.
947
01:19:36,305 --> 01:19:38,348
Hello, hello...
948
01:19:43,771 --> 01:19:45,855
Hello? ls anybody there?
949
01:19:46,023 --> 01:19:49,359
Graham, we thought you got squashed.
Where are you?
950
01:19:49,527 --> 01:19:52,737
In the nest with the stiffs.
951
01:19:52,905 --> 01:19:54,989
(GRAHAM) Where are you?
952
01:19:56,534 --> 01:19:58,493
Coming to get you, silly twat.
953
01:20:00,704 --> 01:20:02,664
(NEIL) Let's do it.
954
01:20:13,884 --> 01:20:16,302
Ew...
955
01:21:02,223 --> 01:21:04,350
Who's your favourite Spice Girl?
956
01:21:06,728 --> 01:21:11,189
Here's the plan. We're gonna
go down there, get Graham,
957
01:21:11,357 --> 01:21:14,610
piss off to the nearest pub,
somewhere much nicer than this,
958
01:21:14,777 --> 01:21:20,031
have a little bit of lunch and then get
absolutely shit-faced. Any questions?
959
01:21:20,199 --> 01:21:21,783
Yeah.
960
01:21:22,076 --> 01:21:26,079
You do realise
that we're slightly outnumbered, right?
961
01:21:26,247 --> 01:21:28,456
Pass one of them golf clubs.
962
01:21:28,624 --> 01:21:31,584
No, give me a wood.
963
01:21:31,753 --> 01:21:33,837
Give him wood as well.
964
01:21:44,640 --> 01:21:48,101
Right. We're outnumbered,
and outgunned.
965
01:21:48,269 --> 01:21:50,478
But I've got the hump.
966
01:21:50,646 --> 01:21:54,815
So we're gonna go down there
in a very ungentlemanly fashion
967
01:21:54,983 --> 01:21:58,194
and...present company
excepted, of course,
968
01:21:58,362 --> 01:22:02,657
bash the living shit
out of anything in a dress.
969
01:22:02,824 --> 01:22:04,950
Bloody hell, Vince...
970
01:22:06,620 --> 01:22:08,663
..not very PC is it?
971
01:22:29,267 --> 01:22:30,392
Come on.
972
01:22:35,982 --> 01:22:37,817
(NEIL) Let's have it!
973
01:22:41,863 --> 01:22:45,240
(HlGH-PITCHED BUZZlNG TONE)
974
01:22:50,038 --> 01:22:51,705
Now what?
975
01:22:57,712 --> 01:23:00,088
Oi, oi!
976
01:23:01,090 --> 01:23:03,217
You all right?
977
01:23:05,177 --> 01:23:07,178
I've got it working.
978
01:23:07,347 --> 01:23:09,306
Let me see that, let me see that.
979
01:23:12,977 --> 01:23:15,228
(ELECTRICAL WHINING)
980
01:23:32,412 --> 01:23:33,747
Ahh!
981
01:23:40,045 --> 01:23:43,297
Remote-controlled women.
982
01:23:43,465 --> 01:23:46,550
- (MIKEY) Do it again, Neil!
- (NEIL) Oh, my word!
983
01:23:50,639 --> 01:23:52,181
Take that.
984
01:23:53,183 --> 01:23:54,725
Get in there, Graham.
985
01:24:04,236 --> 01:24:06,320
(VINCE) Be careful, Neil.
986
01:24:10,158 --> 01:24:11,867
Whoa!
987
01:24:14,078 --> 01:24:17,080
Oh, l'm lovin' this.
Absolutely lovin' it.
988
01:24:17,248 --> 01:24:20,375
Lovely little thing,
ain't you, sweetheart, eh?
989
01:24:21,753 --> 01:24:23,754
Whoa, whoa!
990
01:24:26,465 --> 01:24:29,802
Vince, you got to have
a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang!
991
01:24:29,969 --> 01:24:34,139
- (VINCE) Bollocks!
- (ELECTRlCAL WHINING)
992
01:24:38,978 --> 01:24:40,520
Go!
993
01:24:43,149 --> 01:24:46,819
(ROCK MUSIC)
994
01:24:50,990 --> 01:24:53,283
(LAUGHTER)
995
01:24:58,497 --> 01:25:01,541
(lNDISTINCT SHOUTlNG
AND LAUGHTER)
73621
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