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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:12,966
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:42,563
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my girl, Adele Givens!
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00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,607
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,922
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
6
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:54,104
[LAUGHS] What's up, y'all?
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00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:55,531
AUDIENCE: Wassup!
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00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:57,137
Wassup, niggas?
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00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:58,877
AUDIENCE: Wassup.
10
00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:02,238
How y'all doing?
What happened to my man? Why he get up?
11
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:04,759
I saw his big ass leaving.
Where he at?
12
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,153
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:07,846
I'll go fuck with him, too,
'cause he's tight.
14
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:10,113
He looked like he didn't
want to take his coat off.
15
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:13,637
I believe that motherfucker
was split up the back like a corpse's clothes.
16
00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:14,772
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
17
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:16,383
How you doing, Rhinestone?
18
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,344
You don't know if you want
to be an athlete or a cowboy,
19
00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:20,302
got on gym shoes
and a cowboy hat.
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00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,426
How y'all doin'?
21
00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:25,003
I'm just happy to be here.
Y'all happy to have me?
22
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,701
AUDIENCE: Yeah!'Cause I love you.
23
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:28,038
Hi, y'all!
24
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,477
How y'all doin'?
25
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:32,655
Saw you motherfuckers
in that line outside, all cold and shit.
26
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,831
"I wish these motherfuckers
hurry up.
27
00:01:34,877 --> 00:01:36,437
"Why they so
goddamned slow?"
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00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:38,787
It's free, nigga.
That's why.
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00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:42,797
Oh, man, I gotta give it
up to Kid Capri over there in his red, looking good.
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00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:44,151
Hey, Kid!
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00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,451
Kid Capri,
the baddest DJ in the land.
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00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:47,056
Give it up for Kid![AUDIENCE CHEERING]
33
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,283
Kid, hey!
34
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,587
Y'all know, Kid ain't just
good on that hip hop shit, now.
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00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,025
Kid could do
some slow songs.
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00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:56,641
Kid could break down
and bring a tape out,
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00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:59,161
have your ass wanna bump
and grind on a motherfucker.
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00:01:59,206 --> 00:02:01,816
Kid got some slow...
Don't you, Kid?
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00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:04,390
He's got that old shit
'cause that new shit ain't about nothin', now.
40
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,948
Hell, I'd rather have
that old shit, wouldn't y'all?
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AUDIENCE: Yeah!They don't know how to sing
new love songs, do they?
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00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,996
Fellas, let me tell
y'all something. You in a romantic mood with your woman
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00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,565
and you wanna
say something romantic,
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00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:17,442
don't rely on a song.
Say your own shit.
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00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,965
But make sure it's some
intelligent and romantic shit.
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00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:21,879
Don't say anything!
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00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:24,584
You know, break down,
give her that look that you love to look, you know.
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00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:26,802
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
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00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,542
The sexy look.
You know what I'm talking about!
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00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,593
Break down and say some
smart shit to her, you know.
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Something she gonna
remember, like,
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00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:37,067
"Girl, can I claim you as a
dependent on my income taxes?"
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00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,333
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,676
That's the kind of nigga
you want, ain't it?
55
00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:42,896
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,425
Hey, if you wanna
hurt that man, do not,
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00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:48,039
I repeat,
don't kick him in the nuts.
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Bust a nigga's
windshield in, fellas.
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I know y'all don't like that,
but that's love.
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If she busts your windshield,
she loves your black ass!
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00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,477
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:01,396
Just think about it.
You got a bitch so mad
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00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,532
that she creepin'
through the night...
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00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:05,754
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][CHUCKLES]
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00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:08,284
Dressed in black
like a fucking ninja...
66
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:10,358
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:13,057
...with a brick,
looking for your car!
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00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:15,055
She love you, nigga!
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00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:18,237
And a girlfriend
will help her ass. Won't she, ladies?
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00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:21,105
'Cause that's who you call up
when you get your feelings hurt, ain't it?
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00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:25,897
You be like, [FAKE SOBBING]
"Girl, I think he with that bitch again.
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00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:28,254
"No, fuck that. This time
I'm gonna kill him.
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00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:30,425
"I'm a get a...
Bitch, I'm a get a... I'm a get a..."
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00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,741
Your girl be on the line all,
"Look, girl. Calm down.
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00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,388
"No, no, don't go out there
starting no shit.
76
00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,262
"See, you ain't in
no condition to drive.
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00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:39,094
"Just sit there.
I'll come and get you."
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00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:40,571
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,791
And she will, too. Won't she?
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00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:45,361
Y'all riding around like
Cagney and Lacey, looking for this motherfucker.
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00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:49,454
All right, y'all ready
for a show tonight?
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00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:50,800
AUDIENCE: Yeah!Give me energy!
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00:03:50,839 --> 00:03:53,149
Y'all ready
for the show tonight?
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00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,019
AUDIENCE: [LOUDER] Yeah!
85
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:58,060
Okay, the first person
coming to the stage is from New York City.
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00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,237
Please welcome Mike Epps!
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00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,633
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,903
All right.
89
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:09,813
What's up, God damn it?
90
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:15,117
Whoa! Look at these
pretty motherfuckers, man. God damn!
91
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:18,557
What's up, country pimp
with the motherfucking cowboy hat on?
92
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:21,126
Look at this
country fucker here!
93
00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:25,313
Probably got a motherfucking
dump truck outside with a spoiler kit on it,
94
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:29,312
with switches.
[MIMICS DUMP TRUCK THUDDING]
95
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:32,446
With the big gold grill
with the angel hanging off the front of it.
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00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,399
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]With the loud air horn.
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00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:38,758
[MIMICS AIR HORN PLAYING TUNE]
98
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,542
Old country motherfucker!
99
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,497
I'm gonna start on these
motherfucking women, man,
100
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:49,328
'cause women are beautiful,
all right?
101
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,116
You know,
we couldn't do nothing without these motherfuckers.
102
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,860
But women got some funny...
103
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,861
[WEAK APPLAUSE]
104
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,383
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
105
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,646
Wait till I drop
this one on you!
106
00:04:57,688 --> 00:04:59,948
Women got some
funny ass ways, man.
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00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,515
Women try to walk up to you
in a club
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00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,652
and try to squeeze compliments
out of you.
109
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:07,314
You ever seen a woman do
that to you, fellas? Walk up to you and say shit like,
110
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:09,220
"I... I'm getting fat, yeah."
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00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,485
In return, they want you to
say, "No, you're not, darling.
112
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,968
"You got a low self-esteem.
You're all right."
113
00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:17,009
Do that to me,
I'll bust your bubble. "I'm getting fat."
114
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,965
"You are. You really are.
You eat all the time.
115
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,965
"Every time I see you,
you're eating."
116
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:23,797
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
117
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,185
"Well, Michael,
I'm big boned."
118
00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,497
"No, you're big bitched.
119
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,203
"I just seen you
with a bag of potato chips
120
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,900
"and a hamburger on the side
of the goddamn building!"
121
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,473
Women are something else, man.
122
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,560
Then they got these
starstruck women out here.
123
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:39,819
You know, I don't
like the word "bitch"
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00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:41,431
'cause I got
a momma and a sister,
125
00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:42,861
and I don't want nobody
to call them a bitch.
126
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:45,997
But, you know, the
starstruck women ain't fair.
127
00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:48,441
Neighborhood nigga like me
call you bitch, you get mad,
128
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,088
which is understandable.
129
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:52,182
"Bitch, I ain't no bitch.
Fuck you!"
130
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,181
Snoop Dogg call you a bitch,
"What's up, bitch?"
131
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:55,883
[MIMICS BUBBLY GIGGLING]
"Hey, Snoop!"
132
00:05:59,315 --> 00:06:00,745
Be fair!
133
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:05,709
That's all I'm saying, shit.
134
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:07,666
Fellas got
little funky ways, too.
135
00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:10,535
Imma tell on you fuckers
in here tonight.
136
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,417
Watch your boyfriends,
'cause they come in the house
137
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,769
and start trouble with you
so they can hang out with their friend.
138
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,116
Imma tell on you
'cause I used to do it.
139
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,900
I used to make up
any damn excuse to goddamn do it.
140
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:23,025
I used to come in the house,
"Look, God damn it.
141
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:25,168
"I had three bags
of potato chips. There's two left.
142
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,430
"Who ate my other goddamn bag
of potato chips?
143
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,434
"I'm going out.
I'm sick of this shit!"
144
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,256
"That's the third goddamn bag
145
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,653
"this fucking week
you done ate!
146
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,606
"I'm sick of
this goddamn shit,
147
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,605
"motherfucker!"
[CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
148
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,268
And then they got the
welfare gangsta women.
149
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:42,232
Lay all their food stamps
and their money out on the table
150
00:06:42,271 --> 00:06:44,271
and take pictures with Uzis.
151
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,876
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
152
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:47,447
[LAUGHS]
153
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:51,927
Go over their house,
they trifling.
154
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:53,796
I can't understand who in
the fuck wanna have fun
155
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:56,458
one time out
the motherfucking month.
156
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,683
Motherfuckers are happy
one time out the month!
157
00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:00,682
Catch 'em on the 27th, 28th,
they in the house,
158
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,474
cigarette hanging
out of their mouth, running the sweeper.
159
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,509
[MIMICS SWEEPER WHIRRING]
160
00:07:04,554 --> 00:07:06,904
"Stop all the goddamn noise!"
[GROANS]
161
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:09,518
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
162
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,299
Trifling.
Go over to their house.
163
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,433
Coat hanger
holding the gate together,
164
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,256
Snickers wrappers
and Doritos bags
165
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,614
and shit all in the grass
and the bushes,
166
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:20,964
flies flying everywhere,
screen door all busted open,
167
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:24,225
sign on the door talking
about, "Knock hard. The doorbell's broke."
168
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:25,659
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
169
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:27,526
Then you get in the house,
sit down on the couch,
170
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:29,967
springs scratch you all in
the back of your spine,
171
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,804
your ass gumped down
in the seat.
172
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,022
Change fall out your pocket,
that's a setup.
173
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,976
Little nasty-ass baby
running around the house,
174
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,806
popsicle juice running all
down his mouth and hands,
175
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:48,025
nappy-ass little braids,
baby shoes on with no socks,
176
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,816
navel sticking out
like a Vienna sausage
177
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:53,341
where the doctor fucked up
his umbilical cord.
178
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,865
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
179
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:57,349
Older son over in the corner
ironing some dirty pair...
180
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,039
You ever seen a motherfucker
take some dirty Levi's out the clothes hamper and iron 'em?
181
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:04,178
Iron smoke be funky as hell,
pants be shiny.
182
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,882
Shit looks like
boot-leather pants, look at...
183
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,010
Ironed chicken stains,
jelly stain.
184
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:10,582
New York, y'all been sweet.
Peace, my name Mike Epps.
185
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,710
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
186
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:23,594
Mike Epps, Mike Epps!
187
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:26,553
I wanna, um, give props
to Warrington Hudlin,
188
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,547
producer of House Party,
Boomerang,
189
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,027
and Cosmic Slopon HBO.
190
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,377
How you doin'?
191
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:38,556
Love to see a black man
doing it. You go, boy!
192
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:42,605
Man, can I get
somebody to come and work with this mic stand, please?
193
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:44,312
A white man, I prefer.
194
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:46,089
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
195
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,397
Please?
196
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,570
Can I get somebody to work
with the microphone? Wally?
197
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,047
You know,
you can do two jobs.
198
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:57,056
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
199
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:04,326
I could have did that myself.
You know that, don't you, Bob?
200
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:07,809
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Your name Toby from now on,
God damn!
201
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,941
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
202
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,034
All right.
203
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,252
I love fucking with them!
Okay,
204
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:16,431
this next person coming to
the stage is from Elizabeth, New Jersey,
205
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:19,078
and he's making
his second appearance on Def Comedy Jam.
206
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:23,173
Put your hands together for
Alonzo Hamburger Jones.
207
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,044
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
208
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,184
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
209
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:41,100
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
210
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:42,965
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
211
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:46,630
Oh, yeah!
212
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,811
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
213
00:10:00,164 --> 00:10:02,654
Hamburger!
214
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,429
You joking with me?
What, are you dressed up for Halloween?
215
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:07,524
You look like a hamburger
going to deliver mail or something!
216
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:08,783
What's up with you?
217
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:10,255
You're overweight.
That's your problem.
218
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:12,345
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Can you take a joke?
219
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,314
I know you'd take an order
of fries right about now, couldn't you?
220
00:10:14,352 --> 00:10:16,532
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
221
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,142
Hamburger. Look at his feet.
Feet so big his Nikes spell "Nickelodeon," look at 'em!
222
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:21,103
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]
223
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:26,705
Hamburger!
You give me a bad name. Take that hat off!
224
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:29,372
Are you hungry?
225
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:30,721
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
226
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,070
Let me make your big behind
feel at home.
227
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,759
[MIMICS FAT ALBERT]
"Hey, hey, hey!"
228
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:36,854
Hamburger! And look at...
229
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,637
Who you ladies supposed to be,
En Vogue?
230
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,121
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
231
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:42,821
Hamburger!
Who are you supposed to be?
232
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,819
A Jamaican parking attendant?
233
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,691
"Mo' ya ca'! Mo' ya ca'!
Mo' ya ca'!"
234
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,873
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
235
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:57,788
Hamburger!
That ain't gonna happen.
236
00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:00,831
When I was coming up,
I always wanted to be a radio disc jockey.
237
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:04,007
One of them smooth-talking
guys you hear at 7:00 in the morning on the radio?
238
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:07,324
[DEEP VOICE] "Good morning,
and welcome to station WAKJ, 1684 on your AM dial,
239
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:08,972
"the great songs are played
day in and day out.
240
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,576
"I'm Mr. Jones Rocky,
from 7:00 to 10:00 Eastern
241
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,536
"every morning. And now
for the weather report.
242
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:15,244
"Partly cloudy skies,
high today about 58 and tonight's low about 46.
243
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,813
"And for tomorrow, we'll just
have to wait and see."
244
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,371
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
245
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,677
"Hey, let me give you the
top pick hits for this week.
246
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:24,294
"Coming at number three is
that smash hit, I Don't Want to See You Anymore
247
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:26,205
"by Ray Charles
and Stevie Wonder."
248
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:32,866
[AUDIENCE GROANING]
249
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:37,653
Hamburger!
250
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,917
"Number two,
Go Away Little Boy by Michael Jackson."
251
00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:42,881
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AND GROANS]
252
00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:47,316
"And holding strong at number
one for five weeks straight
253
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:50,878
"is that smash hit,
Ring My Bellby the Jehovah Witnesses."
254
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,797
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
255
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,451
Hamburger!
256
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,797
Arrested development...
They need to be arrested.
257
00:11:57,847 --> 00:12:00,677
Arrested for kidnapping that
old man and putting his behind in the group.
258
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,200
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
259
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:05,641
You can tell he
don't wanna be in the group.
260
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:07,071
Every time you see him he
try to get away. It's like...
261
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,994
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
262
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,430
MC Lyte talking about
she want a ruffneck.
263
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:16,913
Give her a ruffneck today.
264
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,563
Next week, her behind
want a restraining order!
265
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,257
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
266
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:24,345
Hamburger!
267
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,005
See, I like rap music from the
old school when it was real.
268
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,359
It was something
you could listen to.
269
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,918
Look, y'all remember
the Sugarhill Gang?
270
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:31,095
AUDIENCE: Yeah!Kid, give me some old school!
271
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:33,841
♪ Shine
272
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,323
♪ You know that there's
nothing I wouldn't do for you
273
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:39,414
♪ Shine
274
00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,764
♪ You know that
I'll always be there for you
275
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:44,594
♪ Shine
276
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:47,333
♪ You know that there's
nothing I wouldn't do for you
277
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:50,115
♪ Shine
278
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,420
♪ You know that
I'll always be there for you
279
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,987
♪ Yeah, tell you I tend to
keep the thug from you
280
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,245
♪ And in the clubs
it should be all about hugs
281
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:58,868
♪ Give a hug...
282
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:02,128
Alonzo Hamburger Jones!
283
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,002
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
284
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,401
Oh, shit, Bob!
285
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:11,049
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS] I'm just messin'.
286
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:13,844
I gotta give some
shouts-out, y'all.
287
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:18,410
Up there in the
booth, we got, um, Hurricane, the DJ from the Beastie Boys.
288
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:19,799
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
289
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:25,809
We have Bill Bellamy from MTV.
Bill Bellamy.
290
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,027
Hi, Bill!
291
00:13:29,069 --> 00:13:32,379
Hi! This next person
coming to the stage is from Galveston, Texas.
292
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:36,340
Please welcome Bruh-Man,
Reg Ballard.
293
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,300
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
294
00:13:47,391 --> 00:13:49,091
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
295
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:57,616
[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]
296
00:13:57,662 --> 00:14:00,012
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
297
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,796
[AUDIENCE CHANTING
INDISTINCTLY]
298
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,101
Thank you, y'all.
299
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:04,576
New York!
300
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,756
In the house!
301
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,282
How y'all doin'?
302
00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:13,325
New York, man, the home
of the $24.95 weave.
303
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:16,204
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
304
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,513
Bruh-Man, yo.
305
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:22,425
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
306
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,304
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
307
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:30,429
Wassup?
308
00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:32,738
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
309
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:35,144
Brothers in L.A. be trippin'.
310
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,919
Old brother gonna get
mad at me 'cause
311
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,357
I was in his bathroom,
312
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,581
and I told him he didn't have
no more toilet paper.
313
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,626
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
314
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:54,592
And that's why I was still
sitting there till he came back from the store.
315
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,292
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
316
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,554
And the honeys...
317
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:05,427
The honeys too sensitive.
318
00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:07,859
Old honey gonna get mad
at me 'cause
319
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,780
I, like, farted in her bed.
320
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,432
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
321
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,261
And held her head
under the cover.
322
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:19,137
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
323
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,537
Told her I was just playin'.
324
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:34,542
Then you got
these old freaky honeys
325
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,030
that ask these old
freaky demands.
326
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,978
Old honey invited me
to her apartment,
327
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,378
wanted me to tie her
hands up to the bed.
328
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:46,988
So I, like, tied 'em up.
329
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,948
Then she wanted me
to tie her feet up,
330
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,998
but I thought
about Mike Tyson...
331
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
332
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:58,912
And I ain't
want no case.
333
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,868
So I just
tied one of 'em up.
334
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,307
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
335
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,529
Then she opened up her legs
336
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:09,575
and licked her lips
337
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,410
and said it was time for
Bruh-Man to crunch and munch.
338
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:18,537
So I, like,
went in her kitchen...
339
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,976
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
340
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,294
...opened up her refrigerator,
341
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,991
and made myself
a couple sammiches.
342
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,473
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
343
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,473
'Cause Bruh-Man
ain't eating nothing
344
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:37,866
he can't take home
in a doggie bag.
345
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,869
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]
346
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:41,911
And these old silly honeys.
347
00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,387
[SNIFFS]
348
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:46,957
Had this honey in a hotel.
We was huggin', kissin',
349
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,492
just chillin'.
350
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,050
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
351
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:54,707
And all of sudden she asks
this old silly question, like,
352
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,932
"Did you just fart?"
353
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:02,979
I'm like, "Why you gotta
ask something like that?
354
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,072
"It's just me
and you in here."
355
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,631
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
356
00:17:15,425 --> 00:17:17,685
"And you know it wasn't you."
357
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:20,042
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Peace. Thank you very much,
New York!
358
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,432
Appreciate it.
Thank you!
359
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:23,425
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
360
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:36,655
GIVENS: Keep it going
for Bruh-Man.
361
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:40,317
All right, we got to keep
this shit rolling 'cause it's goin' hot.
362
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,413
Please welcome Earthquake!
363
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,106
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
364
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,601
Come on, black people.
Show some love now.
365
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:58,859
Show some love.
White people, too. Just put it there.
366
00:17:58,903 --> 00:18:01,303
Show some love
up in here.
367
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,131
Young brothers
up in the front.
368
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,299
Look at you, young, 18, 19.
369
00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:07,255
See, white people,
I'm just like you?
370
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,703
I'm 31 years old.
When I see about eight, nine of them motherfuckers
371
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:13,000
start walking down
the street, I'm like, "Oh, shit, here they come!"
372
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,618
"Don't look at 'em, baby!
They'll kill you! Don't look at 'em!
373
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,659
"Don't look at 'em!
They coming this way!"
374
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:20,745
♪ Oh, kumbaya, my Lord,
375
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:24,315
♪ Kumbaya, oh, Lord...
376
00:18:24,364 --> 00:18:26,154
'Cause they dangerous!
377
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:27,722
They'll kill you
for any reason.
378
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,888
Fuck around,
ask 'em the wrong question, they'll shoot you!
379
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,114
"As-Salaam Alaikum."
Pow!
380
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:33,113
"Oh, shit!
That nigga was Baptist."
381
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:36,811
You don't know
what to say to their ass.
382
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:39,384
They don't wanna
work for shit. Sixteen, 17,
383
00:18:39,422 --> 00:18:41,032
they want everything free.
384
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:44,596
I... I lost my pager.
So I paged myself.
385
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,775
God damn it if the nigga
didn't call me back!
386
00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:50,611
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Talking about, "Somebody
paged me from this number."
387
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:53,831
I'm like, "Hell yeah, nigga,
the owner.
388
00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,441
"The fuck wrong with you?"
389
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:57,662
I'm in Chicago,
40 below.
390
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,311
Car-jacker talking about,
"Get out the car."
391
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:00,695
I say, "Brother,
it's snowing."
392
00:19:00,748 --> 00:19:01,968
"Get out the car."
393
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:04,490
I'm like,
"Nigga, I'll move over,
394
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:07,024
"I ain't getting out
the car today, you gotta call me a cab.
395
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:08,318
"Drop me off at
Mama's damn house.
396
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,154
"She live down the street,
motherfucker!"
397
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:11,802
He talking about,
"I'm gonna have to shoot you!" I'm like,
398
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,366
"Fuck it. That's a
bullet I'm taking today.
399
00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:15,023
"Go on, nigga. Shoot!
400
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,416
"Least I'll be
warm, motherfucker! Close the door!
401
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,809
"Fuck wrong with him?"
402
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:23,065
But white people,
if you're gonna blame some shit on these young brothers,
403
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,338
do your homework.
404
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,340
Blame some shit on them
that they would do.
405
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:29,342
Just like that white lady
talking about how she got car-jacked,
406
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,425
and a brother
took her kids.
407
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:34,224
I was like,
"A brother taking kids?"
408
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,260
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]
409
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,528
Oh, bitch, you lie!
410
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:45,271
I don't give a fuck if you're
on Good Morning America, Today.
411
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,844
Bitch, you lying.
Brothers don't take kids.
412
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:50,751
We run from kids,
we don't take no kids!
413
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,368
Not without a court order!
414
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:56,497
"Where the judge say I
gotta take these kids at?
415
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,813
"Where the judge say
I gotta take these kids?"
416
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,419
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
417
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,900
Y'all charge us
for too much shit.
418
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,380
Y'all do.
I just bought a house.
419
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:07,210
Got my water bill today.
Water's supposed to be free.
420
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,469
How they gonna
charge us for water?
421
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:10,301
They don't own the
rain and the oceans.
422
00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,339
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
423
00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:14,255
Tell you, black people,
they gonna start charging us for air in the future.
424
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,950
Be on the corner,
kicking it with my boy D.L. "How you doing, D.L.?"
425
00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:18,258
"What's wrong, Earthquake?"
[INHALES SHARPLY]
426
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,704
"Oh... Ooh!
427
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,310
"Oh, shit, nigga,
they done turned my air off!"
428
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:22,530
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
429
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:25,009
"I can't breathe
no longer, shit!
430
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:28,399
"I can't breathe!
Oh, shit, these niggas turned my air off, nigga!
431
00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:30,014
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
432
00:20:30,054 --> 00:20:33,194
"Turn the air on, nigga.
I can't take it no more!"
433
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,281
'Cause see, we're black.
434
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,241
See, I don't like
the holidays and shit.
435
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,669
Y'all get on Oprah
and tell her...
436
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:39,795
And Oprah tripping.
437
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,717
Talking about how
she smoked crack.
438
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,552
Man, she...
439
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:45,290
Oprah done everything
if she smoked crack. She ain't smoke no...
440
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:48,771
I knew she was lying when
she said the pipe-head made her do it.
441
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,122
What crackhead
you know share?
442
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:52,212
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
443
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,121
This is lyin', man!
444
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:56,205
Every time somebody
get on this show she into, "I'm a prostitute."
445
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,725
Oprah, "Me too!"
446
00:20:57,778 --> 00:21:00,218
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
447
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,735
Fat bitch!
448
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,792
Talking all that shit.
449
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,620
That's why I don't even
like that old bullshit.
450
00:21:08,658 --> 00:21:11,268
Y'all get on Oprahand tell
all y'all family secrets.
451
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:13,363
Black people,
we keep that shit to ourselves
452
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,802
till that drunk-ass uncle
come over our house,
453
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:18,019
tell all the family secrets.
Just tell...
454
00:21:18,059 --> 00:21:21,059
I remember one time
I said, "Uncle, tell my father to loan me $5."
455
00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:23,535
He gonna get up,
talking about, "That' ain't your daddy!"
456
00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,805
I'm like, "Nigga, what?"
"Tell 'em the truth!
457
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,461
"Tell 'em the truth!
458
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:32,375
"I can't live
with this lie no longer!
459
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:35,161
"I'm your daddy, boy!
460
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:38,206
"Now, ask your uncle for $5!"
461
00:21:42,213 --> 00:21:44,093
I wanted to be a Muslim.
462
00:21:44,128 --> 00:21:47,178
They want me to be a
Muslim, they gotta change some of them goddamn rules,
463
00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,048
like eating once a day.
464
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:52,180
See, I smoke herb.
I get the munchies four, five, six times a day.
465
00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:55,663
And I ain't giving up
my pork chop for no motherfucker, hear me?
466
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:57,485
And ain't nothing wrong
with herb.
467
00:21:57,533 --> 00:21:59,973
Something wrong with drugs.
Ain't nothing wrong with herb.
468
00:22:00,014 --> 00:22:01,674
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]You ain't never seen
a motherfucker
469
00:22:01,711 --> 00:22:03,841
commit suicide
after smoking a joint.
470
00:22:03,887 --> 00:22:06,017
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
471
00:22:06,063 --> 00:22:08,683
You know why? Know why?
The motherfucker forgot. That's why!
472
00:22:08,718 --> 00:22:10,198
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
473
00:22:10,241 --> 00:22:11,811
He woke up
the next morning,
474
00:22:11,852 --> 00:22:15,292
"God damn it, I was supposed
to killed myself last night.
475
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,254
"I don't even 'posed
to be here today."
476
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,857
And even if I was a Muslim,
477
00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:22,783
I'd just have to be a Muslim
in, like, the wintertime.
478
00:22:22,819 --> 00:22:24,689
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
479
00:22:24,734 --> 00:22:27,004
'Cause, no, the summertime,
they need to change the dress codes and shit.
480
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:29,221
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]They be standing on the corner
481
00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,790
with suits
and bow ties and shit.
482
00:22:31,828 --> 00:22:34,528
Don't they got a
Muslim shorts set or something, you know?
483
00:22:34,570 --> 00:22:36,270
[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]
484
00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:44,059
[LAUGHS]
485
00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:45,541
[LAUGHS]
486
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:49,370
Louis Farrakhan flip-flops,
you know what I mean?
487
00:22:49,411 --> 00:22:50,721
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
488
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,460
I'm a be out there
for eight, nine hours.
489
00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:54,851
A nigga
need to be comfortable!
490
00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:57,715
As-Salaam Alaikum,yes.
But nigga, I'm hot!
491
00:22:57,767 --> 00:22:59,467
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]I am hot!
492
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:01,118
I'm Earthquake! Peace!
493
00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:02,902
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
494
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:13,870
GIVENS: Earthquake,
keep it going!
495
00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:16,444
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
496
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:24,620
Now it's time to bring
Russell Simmons up
497
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,934
to say goodnight to y'all.
498
00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:28,890
And say
something different, Russell.
499
00:23:28,929 --> 00:23:32,979
I want to shout out
to my mama. Hi, Mama, I love you! Muah!
500
00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:34,890
Russell. If y'all want Russell
to say something different,
501
00:23:34,935 --> 00:23:37,975
please make some noise
so he'll say something different.
502
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:39,675
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
503
00:23:39,722 --> 00:23:42,292
You heard that, right?I heard.
504
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:44,513
Thank y'all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night!
505
00:23:44,553 --> 00:23:46,603
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
506
00:23:46,653 --> 00:23:51,203
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