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00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:09,265
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:12,663
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
3
00:00:12,708 --> 00:00:14,408
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
4
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,521
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
5
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:43,130
for my main man,
Mr. Joe Torry!
6
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,963
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
7
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,662
Wassup!
8
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,875
AUDIENCE: Wassup!
9
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,835
You motherfuckers came out
to laugh, let me hear you say, "Hell yeah!"
10
00:00:57,883 --> 00:00:59,843
AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!
11
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:03,055
Aight then. Give it up
to DJ Kid Capri in the fuckin' house.
12
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:06,369
[APPLAUSE]
13
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:09,294
And also, you know,
come to kick it with us tonight,
14
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,420
Bill Bellamy in the house.
MTV.
15
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:18,213
DJ Jazzy Joyce chillin'
up there with him.
16
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,556
What else we got?
We got Dave Meggett.
17
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:28,475
Giants and shit.
Little bad motherfucker. Motherfucker...
18
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:31,573
That motherfucker...
They can't stop that little motherfucker, man.
19
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,013
He just be runnin'
through, motherfuckers.
20
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:37,049
He's got his two little
honeys with him, damn.
21
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,397
And
Goldie-motherfuckin'-locks, how you doin'?
22
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,967
[CHEERING AND SCREAMING]
23
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,848
What the fuck
is all that about?
24
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:54,637
This shit.
25
00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:57,069
Looks like you just pulled
your head out of some pasta or some shit.
26
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,247
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
27
00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:04,474
See this shit? You're like
a ghetto Ginger from Gilligan's Island!
28
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,430
Goddamn!
29
00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:14,131
I don't believe this shit!
30
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:21,177
I thought white people
do crazy shit, goddamn!
31
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,448
You see this shit?
She ain't foolin y'all, is she?
32
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:25,151
They're over here like,
"Naw, naw, she's a nigga."
33
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:33,235
Crazy. Y'all suited up
and shit.
34
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,333
Y'all comfortable. I ain't
gonna fuck with y'all, man.
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00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:38,112
Y'all... Fuck y'all.
Y'all crazy. I don't fuck with white people.
36
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,898
Y'all some crazy
motherfuckers. And I think white people do crazy shit.
37
00:02:41,944 --> 00:02:45,904
I think y'all get tired
of black people taking over all your shit.
38
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,648
So y'all sit at home
and think of some crazy shit to do
39
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,820
to remind yourself
that you're white.
40
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:55,307
Like, you know,
the fan-man shit. That shit didn't work.
41
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,919
Got his ass beat, didn't he?
42
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,180
That David Koresh
motherfucker, that shit didn't work.
43
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:03,314
So, I was looking at a
commercial the other day.
44
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:04,917
Only white people
do this shit.
45
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,187
I think white people just
sit at home, be like,
46
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:12,020
"Goddamn Negroes are taking
over football, basketball,
47
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:15,721
"hockey, every goddamn thing.
We gotta think of something they won't do.
48
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,020
"Hell, when we climb
Ice Mountain...
49
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,237
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
50
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,107
"They don't wanna do that,
their skin'll get dry,
51
00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:24,198
"their juicy-ass hair
will freeze up. Yeah!"
52
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,377
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
53
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,383
And the motherfuckers
climb this big ass... In the commercial...
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00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:31,165
They climb this big-ass
fuckin' ice mountain and get to the top,
55
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,081
all just to get a
cold-ass bottle of water.
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00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:38,035
Now, if I do some
stupid-ass shit like that and I get to the top,
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00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,997
there better be some goddamn
Swiss Miss bitches with a pot of hot chocolate.
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00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,866
Fuck that! And then...
59
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,095
Fuckin' cold there or what?
60
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:50,359
[SIGHS]
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00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,324
Motherfuck...
What the fuck for?
62
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,324
And they didn't fuck
with Michael Jackson?
63
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,236
See what they did
to Michael Jackson? Mmm-hmm.
64
00:03:58,281 --> 00:03:59,981
See what happens
when you let the wrong white person in your house?
65
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,292
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
66
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,329
You laughin'?
I ain't prejudiced,
67
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,294
but some of them
motherfuckers ain't on your side all the time.
68
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:10,514
Little white boy, like,
"Michael Jackson grabbed my dick."
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00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:11,734
I'mma tell you what happened.
70
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,725
Fuckin' tell you
what happened.
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00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:19,738
See, he was probably
just runnin' around the goddamn house,
72
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,351
and Michael Jackson told him,
73
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,741
[IMITATES JACKSON]
"Quit running around the house, okay?
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00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:26,955
"You just fuckin' stop it.
Expensive shit in here."
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00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,955
He knocked over the bones
or some shit,
76
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:32,357
and Michael's like,
"Fuckin', I told you quit running. Pow!"
77
00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:36,008
[MIMICS CRYING]
"Michael grabbed my dick!"
78
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,668
That's right, look, kids now,
you know what I'm sayin'?
79
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:39,842
It's hard trying to be
a role model nowadays.
80
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:42,928
But I'm glad... I'm glad Mike,
you know, came on TV and did that shit.
81
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:45,588
He said, "Fuck all this."
If I was him, I wouldn't have came back.
82
00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:47,333
I would have been like,
"Fuck that, fuck America,
83
00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:48,854
"I'll stay over there
and build some new shit.
84
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,067
"I got the money."
85
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,603
Know what I'm sayin'?
But no, he came on the news.
86
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:54,641
And what'd he tell you?
87
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:58,426
Can I tell you?
88
00:04:58,472 --> 00:05:01,432
[MIMICS] "He fucking...
He fuckin' wanted to take pictures of my penis...
89
00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,125
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
90
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:11,047
"My lower torso, my balls.
My Michael Jackson balls, man.
91
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:14,013
"And it wasn't enough,
no, it wasn't enough. They wanted to see more.
92
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:16,452
"They won't have it,
and I told him, 'Take it!'
93
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:22,666
"So, I'm fuckin' innocent,
man. I'm fuckin' innocent!"
94
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:24,803
Go ahead, Mike,
do your fucking thing.
95
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:27,586
People messin' with him.
He ain't grabbing that little boy dick.
96
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,981
Fuck is wrong with him?
And he want $20 million.
97
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,065
I called Mike up,
I was like, "Mike,
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00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:34,164
"20 million. Give
me 5,000, I'll kill his whole fucking family."
99
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:36,383
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
100
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,563
All right?
101
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:42,989
Now, hurry up and give me
a job before a crackhead do that shit for $5.
102
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:46,258
Shit. Really!
I ain't goin' out like that.
103
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:49,002
Fuckin' with Michael Jackson.
I love Michael Jackson.
104
00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:50,964
Loved him since when he was
just a little boy.
105
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:58,356
All right. Now, are y'all
ready for the next comedian?
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AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
107
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,190
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Hell yeah.
108
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:08,665
Welcome to the stage,
you've seen this cat,
109
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:12,456
he's one of the most creative,
young comedians coming up. Give it up from Los Angeles,
110
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,682
Mr. Darrell Heath!
111
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:15,421
[APPLAUSE]
112
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:17,252
[MUSIC PLAYING]
113
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:30,264
My name is Darrell.
Right, right.
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00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,347
And I'm just here
to tell you...
115
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:40,791
I like that hat, brother.
Um, baseball cap.
116
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:42,355
Pimps are wearin'
those nowadays.
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00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:46,232
That's how... That's...
I'm gonna tell you why.
118
00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:51,275
I knew a brother,
he was a pimp, played baseball.
119
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:53,373
And I felt sorry for every ho
that didn't have his money.
120
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,235
'Cause he'd walk down
the street with me, we'd be kickin' it.
121
00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,106
He's like, "Darrell, hold up.
Hold up, man.
122
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,987
"That bitch, she owe me
money. Hold up." He'd get a baseball.
123
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,290
"Hey, bitch. Hey!
124
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,558
"Bitch, you owe me
money. Hey bitch, hey, don't run from me!"
125
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,433
She goes, "Oh, shit.
I owe that nigga money!"
126
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,517
[THUDS]
127
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,443
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
128
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:44,157
Everybody pimpin' nowadays.
Ain't no joke. I saw a little midget pimp.
129
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:49,028
Little midget pimpin' hoes.
Can you imagine?
130
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:52,467
I think he was about...
About this tall
131
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:56,555
and had, like, a regular
size cane. Didn't even cut the mother...
132
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,956
Out there pimpin' hoes.
Pimpin' hoes, had a big cane.
133
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,480
He was like,
"Goddamn, what do you want with that?"
134
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,053
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
135
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,543
He got in this big ass car
and drove off...
136
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,841
A big ass Cadillac
and drove off,
137
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,497
and when he drove down
the street, you could see him standing in the seat.
138
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:22,676
It was like...
139
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,509
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
140
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,508
But he heard this song
on the radio, he was like,
141
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,120
"Hold up, that's my cut,
nigga.
142
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,550
"Hold on, I'm gonna go
turn this shit up. Hold up!"
143
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:38,002
Saw his ho coming
down the street, he's like, "Hold up, that...
144
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:41,699
"That looks like Trixie.
Hold up. That bitch owe me money. Hold up. Fuck that.
145
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,388
"Fuck that!"
[MIMICS TIRES SCREECHING]
146
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:14,338
I even seen... No joke...
I even seen a handicapped pimp.
147
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,732
No, he was cool.
Don't feel sorry.
148
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,817
He was out there,
shootin' dice with his homies on the corner.
149
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:25,126
And he had them two fingers.
He could only use those two fingers.
150
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:26,833
Nigga was holding
one die at a time.
151
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,220
He was like,
"Come on, nigga, let me hit four."
152
00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:29,833
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
153
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,918
Saw his ho crossing,
he goes, "Hey, wait up. That looks like Trixie.
154
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:36,664
"That bitch owes me money.
Hold up, Trixie!
155
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,056
"Girl, you owe me money,
don't make me...
156
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,580
"Hey, don't make
me come over there!
157
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:43,374
"Girl, don't make me
come over there.
158
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,108
"Don't make me...
Man, hold on. Man, hold my money.
159
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,929
"I'll be right back...
[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]
160
00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:59,904
"All right now, bitch.
No, look me in the eyes.
161
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:01,907
"Hey, bitch, put your head up.
162
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:08,432
"I got 16 switches
for all my bitches.
163
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,647
"See, you make me look bad.
You make me look bad in front of my boys.
164
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:15,047
"Hey, yeah, hey! Ain't
nothin' bad, I just...
165
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:16,572
[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]
166
00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:25,967
"Now, see, look what
you made me did. Now, you get my money.
167
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:29,016
"You ain't got my...
What you mean you ain't got my... What?"
168
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:32,683
She's like, "I ain't got
your money. I'm gonna write you a check."
169
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:38,329
"What you say? A check?
Bitch, you crazy."
170
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,603
Smack the shit, "Ahh!
171
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:51,614
"Ahh! Ahh!"
172
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,217
[EXCLAIMS]
173
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:03,882
"Hey, bitch, don't run away
from me. Hey! Don't... Hey!
174
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,454
[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]
175
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:20,418
"Oh, you think you gettin'
away, huh? You think you gettin'..."
176
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:23,032
[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR
STUCK]
177
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:27,637
I'm Darrell Heath.
Thank you very much!
178
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,507
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
179
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:41,054
Darrell Heath,
y'all! Oh, man.
180
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:43,311
Oh, there's some handicaps
gonna whoop his ass.
181
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:46,532
Oh, shit.
182
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:50,489
[SIGHS]
183
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:51,745
Only on HBO.
184
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,540
[LAUGHS]
185
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,763
Them motherfuckin' fingers.
186
00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:01,114
All right. Keep this
motherfucker rollin', rollin', rollin'.
187
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,365
From Brooklyn,
give it up for Mugga.
188
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:04,938
[APPLAUSE]
189
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,688
Wassup!AUDIENCE: Wassup!
190
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,213
I feel at home.
191
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:17,296
All these kings and queens
in here, give it up!
192
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:18,905
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
193
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:25,659
I'm looking for me
a good black man. Sisters, are there any left?
194
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:28,271
AUDIENCE: No!
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
195
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:31,192
Damn. I mean, I think
we gotta, you know, we gotta
196
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:32,578
cool down on the brothers
a little bit.
197
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:36,761
They not all gay, married,
198
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:39,409
in jail, or all three!
199
00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:42,374
We just got to lower
our standards.
200
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,503
Now I just want
a brother with teeth. Fuck legs and arms,
201
00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,026
I ain't spoiled.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
202
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,122
Shit, but I'm bitter.
203
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:50,989
People say, "Why you talk
about men so much?
204
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:52,821
"Why you so bitter?"
Fuck 'em, they're right.
205
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:56,379
I'm bitter.
I just broke up with my man.
206
00:12:56,427 --> 00:13:00,777
I told him I was leavin' him.
He gonna get all crazy and deranged and choke me up.
207
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:03,913
Talking about,
"Girl, you leave me,
208
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:06,657
"I'mma gonna whoop your ass.
209
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:08,918
"And call the police
my damn self."
210
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:11,493
They buried his ass Tuesday.
211
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:20,452
Beat that, I ain't turnin'
no bullshit out of my house.
212
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:24,625
Anybody seen Tina Turner's
movie? Give it up.
213
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:30,293
Tina's a beautiful sister,
but what I did not understand is,
214
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:33,941
she let ugly-ass Ike
beat on her for 20 years.
215
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:37,467
Twenty years, it don't take
but one second to pull the trigger, ladies.
216
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:40,652
Ike ugly-ass would have
been dead a long time ago.
217
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:43,079
Then Tina got that
dysfunction now.
218
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:45,996
She don't know which way
she wanna go, don't know what the fuck to do with herself.
219
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,217
Fuckin' Tina up like that.
220
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:55,436
Shit. But now, you know,
I'm trying to find a good black man, as I mentioned.
221
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:58,656
And I'm dating
out of my religion now. I was dating a Muslim brother.
222
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:02,147
Any Muslims here?
I'm gonna talk about your ass.
223
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,929
[LAUGHTER]
224
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:07,854
Don't get me wrong,
225
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:10,590
I wore my sheet
and prayed to the East.
226
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,942
I did what I had to do.
Everything was going smooth
227
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,902
till the brother came home
and told me
228
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,731
he don't eat no pussy.
'Cause it's pork.
229
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,549
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
230
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:25,689
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
231
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,442
Now, ladies, ladies, ladies.
232
00:14:31,479 --> 00:14:34,869
I did the only right thing.
I got rid of his ass.
233
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,917
[APPLAUSE]
234
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:40,313
And got me a good
pussy-eatin' Christian. Let the church say, "Amen!"
235
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,007
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
236
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:54,020
Don't fuck with me and
act like you don't know where downtown is!
237
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,200
I don't care how you
get there, bogo if you got to.
238
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,455
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
239
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:06,339
Then you got brothers who
wants you to be everything
240
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:09,823
from a superwoman
to a gangsta bitch.
241
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:12,165
I had a brother tell me that,
"Girl, you too soft.
242
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,515
"You too timid,
I need me a gangsta bitch."
243
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:16,085
So, I shot his ass
244
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:20,616
and took the keys to the Benz.
245
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,918
That'll teach you brothers
in 1994,
246
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:25,225
we are not bitches and hoes,
we're your lovers, wives,
247
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,932
and mothers of your
children. Peace.
248
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,930
[MUSIC PLAYING]
249
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:40,635
Mugga!
250
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,895
With a name like Mugga,
you shoulda known.
251
00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:49,641
Look at the women,
they're like, "Oh, shit."
252
00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,947
Y'all happy now, ain't you?AUDIENCE: Yeah.
253
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,954
Y'all happy?AUDIENCE: Yeah.
254
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,606
We want you to give
all these brothers some pussy.
255
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:58,221
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
256
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,363
Just talkin' shit.
257
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:15,983
Now, are y'all ready
for the next comedian?
258
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,238
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
259
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:22,676
Motherfuckers,
that's aight with me.
260
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,110
This guy's from
Chicago, Illinois, y'all.
261
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,598
Please welcome the
one-man ride, Tony Sculfield!
262
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:39,126
Wassup! Make some noise!
263
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:43,001
Yeah! Y'all feel good?
264
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,305
AUDIENCE: Yeah!I feel great!
265
00:16:45,352 --> 00:16:49,102
'Cause I've been sitting
in the hotel doing my favorite hobby all day,
266
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:54,578
smoking good weed!
And just analyzing the fuck out of life,
267
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:57,582
'cause you can do
that on some good weed, right?
268
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,582
[INHALES SHARPLY]
269
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:05,889
To be...
270
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:11,554
Or not?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
271
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:17,211
Right? Weed, man.
I love it, man. Food of champions, man.
272
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:19,433
I'm sitting up all day
getting high and I love it
273
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:23,043
'cause you can just cool out.
We need to go back to the weed days, man.
274
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:26,215
Nowadays, in the '90s,
you're doing them crazy, damn drugs, man.
275
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,872
You know what I'm sayin'?
276
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:31,787
Let's go back to the
weed days. There wasn't no violence,
277
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,973
wasn't no drive-bys,
wasn't no gang bangin',
278
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,669
'cause there couldn't be.
Just think about it!
279
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:40,708
You mighta wanted
to fuck somebody up,
280
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,535
but if your ass smoked
one of those good-ass joints,
281
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,724
by the time you got outside,
282
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,590
you forgot
what that shit was all about!
283
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:53,124
You'd be in the car
about to kill someone,
284
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,289
I'm gonna beat
your motherfuckin'... Come on out, punk,
285
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:58,245
I'm gonna fuck your ass up.
Yeah, come on out here. Fuck.
286
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,077
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
287
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:14,094
What? A fight?[LAUGHTER]
288
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:16,746
No, man, I didn't say
that shit about no fight, man.
289
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,791
I said, "I had the munchies.
Did you wanna go get a bite?"
290
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:27,758
If you get high,
don't watch Cops.
291
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,456
It'll make you mad, man.
292
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,420
'Cause is it just me,
or are these not the dumbest
293
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,511
damn drug dealers
you ever seen in your life?
294
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:40,421
Talkin' about cops come up
to your house with a truckload of motherfuckin'...
295
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:42,817
Two camera...
Laying audio cable on your lawn.
296
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:52,611
I'm looking at Copstoday,
smokin' a joint in a hotel,
297
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:56,313
I had a disturbing moment.
I'll be damned
298
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:59,442
if they didn't bust in
on a guy while I was watchin' that shit,
299
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:02,136
with 11 pounds of weed.
300
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:05,624
That's what I said, "Whoo!"
Eleven pounds of weed?
301
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,576
That shit made me
realize one thing,
302
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,764
I could never be a cop.
303
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:16,416
Let me bust a motherfucker
with 11 pounds of weed.
304
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,196
Let me do it!
305
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,155
I'd be breaking
the door, I'd be like, "Freeze, mother...
306
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:24,506
"Get up against the wall."
307
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:27,823
Eleven pounds of weed!
308
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,342
Y'all sittin' up in here
with 11 pounds?
309
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,556
How the hell'd you expect us
to come in here and walk past
310
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:34,386
this 10 pounds of weed
and not see it?
311
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,834
Nine pounds of damn weed
312
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,650
sittin' over here
in the corner?
313
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,998
You think you was gonna
get away with this eight pounds of weed?
314
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:44,488
We are takin' this
seven pounds of weed down to the station,
315
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:48,061
and book your ass for
possession of five pounds of weed, fool!
316
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,668
Shit, by the time
I got back to the station,
317
00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:58,195
Chief would be like,
"Congratulations, Tony! Huge drug bust!
318
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:02,030
"How much did you get?"
I'd be like, "Well, Chief,
319
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:04,160
"as I broke into the premises,
320
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:09,433
"I caught said suspects in
the act of smokin' said joint,
321
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:14,685
"but they only smoked half
of that motherfucker. Look at that, Chief.
322
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:18,874
"Can I go to lunch?"
323
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:22,533
Hey, Y'all been great,
I'm Tony Sculfield, God bless you, I'm outta here.
324
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,529
[MUSIC PLAYING]
325
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:31,322
Tony Sculfield! [LAUGHS]
326
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:35,761
Eleven pounds of weed.
327
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:38,409
That motherfucker's funny.
Give him another round of applause, yo.
328
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:39,724
[APPLAUSE]
329
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:44,070
Goddamn! Shit!
330
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,642
Y'all get high?
You smoke weed?
331
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,769
Come on, man.
Nobody gonna tell, man.
332
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:52,214
He talking about,
"He smoke weed."
333
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,469
He's tellin' off
on your ass, man.
334
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:57,555
Cops should seize
these two white motherfuckers, right here.
335
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:01,426
He don't need nothing else,
they on tape,
336
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,701
admitting that shit.
337
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:08,271
Aight, y'all. Crankin' it up,
crankin' it up, crankin' it up. Kid, you ready?
338
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:13,402
[CHUCKLES]
339
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:16,836
Aight, y'all. Give it up for
Cedric the Entertainer!
340
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:18,634
[MUSIC PLAYING]
341
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,368
Hello. How are ya?
342
00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:26,944
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
343
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:33,604
Kill me! Everybody come out
on the Def Jam, be hard, "Wassup!"
344
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,560
I just wanna get rich
enough, you know, just be like Tina Turner.
345
00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:39,519
I just wanna get an accent.
That's all, you know, what I'm saying.
346
00:21:39,559 --> 00:21:42,169
I don't wanna be like
Michael Jackson, change my skin color.
347
00:21:42,213 --> 00:21:45,483
Prince, you know, and
change my name to a symbol.
348
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,781
I just wanna come out
on stage, y'all see me be...
349
00:21:47,828 --> 00:21:49,788
[BRITISH ACCENT]
"Hello, New York, how are you?
350
00:21:52,049 --> 00:21:54,359
"It's Cedric the Entertainer!"
351
00:21:58,186 --> 00:22:00,446
A trip. I love
singers, though, man.
352
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:03,193
See, I like... See, I like
to go back to them old days, them old singers.
353
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:05,244
Like... like Al Green.
354
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:06,980
Shit, back in the day
when your momma and daddy was together,
355
00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:08,021
you know
what I'm talking about?
356
00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:15,253
You know, when your mommy and
daddy was together back then!
357
00:22:15,290 --> 00:22:18,990
Man, Al Green...
Al Green songs. See, them Al Green songs.
358
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:20,383
They was like documentaries.
359
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:22,726
The song told you something.
360
00:22:22,776 --> 00:22:25,336
You didn't have to ask
no questions. The song told you what was gonna happen
361
00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:27,217
all the way through the song,
you know that.
362
00:22:27,258 --> 00:22:29,478
It be Saturday morning,
your momma got it on, you gotta clean up,
363
00:22:29,522 --> 00:22:30,872
she got on that
big old stereo.
364
00:22:30,914 --> 00:22:32,614
You know, the one
with the arm on it.
365
00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:35,695
Come around right there,
drop it on off and come on back over.
366
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:37,045
You know the one.
367
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:43,536
Tripped off that, man.
See, you know, black folk like to eat...
368
00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:45,759
Y'all like Chinese food?
369
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,709
See, they got the little
Chinese restaurants in the black neighborhood.
370
00:22:47,757 --> 00:22:49,407
You know, Chinese come
to our 'hood to make some money, boy.
371
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:51,195
That's how you know
you're in a black neighborhood.
372
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,759
Anywhere in the country,
you just ride down the street,
373
00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:54,976
it'd be a church,
liquor store, Chinese place.
374
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:57,375
Church, liquor store,
Chinese place.
375
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,549
Church, liquor store,
check cashing place.
376
00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:04,165
Chinese place be right there.
377
00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:05,818
You ever trip on
ordering Chinese food?
378
00:23:05,862 --> 00:23:07,392
How long it takes them
to say in Chinese,
379
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,079
the same thing you just said?
380
00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:10,866
You're like, "Yeah, dog,
let me get a small order
381
00:23:10,911 --> 00:23:12,701
"shrimp fried rice,
that's it."
382
00:23:12,739 --> 00:23:14,699
"Small order shrimp fry?"
383
00:23:14,741 --> 00:23:17,401
"Yeah, dog, that's it."
"Me order for you."
384
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,840
[MIMICKING CHINESE]
385
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:38,716
"You want egg roll?"
386
00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:41,115
No, partner, I ain't
got the time. I'm gonna have to...
387
00:23:42,246 --> 00:23:44,546
I'm Cedric the Entertainer!
388
00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:57,776
[VOCALIZING]
389
00:23:57,827 --> 00:23:59,697
Cedric the Entertainer, y'all!
390
00:23:59,742 --> 00:24:01,312
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
391
00:24:02,832 --> 00:24:04,752
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
392
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:06,881
♪ Now it's time
to say goodbye
393
00:24:06,923 --> 00:24:09,933
♪ To all my Negro friends
394
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:13,410
And bring
the man that pay all the bills around here, every week,
395
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,412
Russell Simmons.
396
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,110
You gotta say
what you say in Pig Latin, man.
397
00:24:21,155 --> 00:24:23,805
Thanks for comin' out,
God bless you, good night.
398
00:24:23,853 --> 00:24:26,033
[MUSIC PLAYING]
399
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:30,633
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