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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:13,714
KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
SimmonsDef Comedy Jam.
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00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,024
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:40,779
And now your host,
Martin Lawrence.
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[APPLAUSE]
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00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:54,271
So Kid Capri,
how's your tooth? I know, give...
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Give him a round of applause,
'cause his tooth is not... It's bothering him.
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00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:03,631
So crank it up and love him
and smell him and adore him.
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00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:05,762
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:08,554
Oh boy. How you all doin'?
Thank you, for joining us again.
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00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:09,900
How you all doin'?
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00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,939
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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God damn.
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[CHEERING CONTINUES]
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I didn't say anything.
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Do we...
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What the fuck are you,
Patti LaBelle's li'l brother, what the fuck is going on?
18
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,101
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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When are we gonna learn?
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What?
What are you thinking about?
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You just said this is me,
love me, know me, feel me.
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]]
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What the fuck?
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Hey, I don't know,
I don't know.
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Oh, only in New York.
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I'm tellin' ya, in New York,
come on y'all some...
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Not y'all, 'cause y'all the...
You know,
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but this a weird
motherfuckin' town.
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Just... Just steam piss
comin' out of the ground.
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Just... I'm not lying,
I saw, I was walkin' and I swear to you
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there was this brother
in the daytime just pissin'.
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Just pissin'
in the day time,
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and the cop told him
to move over 'cause he had to piss, too.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Clean up New York.
Please send money.
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Help clean this up.
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Damn. They got the...
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What do they got here the...
The street corner preachers?
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Ain't that?
That's cool. I like that.
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'Cause them brothers
always tell you they just got out of jail,
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always tryin' to drop
knowledge on you.
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"Say little brother,
can I speak to you for a minute?
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"You look like you are lost."
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"No I'm goin' to 125th Street,
that's where I'm goin'. I know where I'm goin'."
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"No brother, I'm saying
you lost within your mind.
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"See, when we can
rise as a people
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"and develop our minds
and try to get in to what we're tryin' to do
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"then I think that we can
kinda do our thing, see." You know what I'm sayin'?
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"All right. Long time ago,
brother, I was incarcerated.
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"They had called
me the inmate.
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"You know what I'm sayin'?
That's what I am, okay.
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"I am a...a prisoner
of this system. You know what I'm sayin'?
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"We gotta learn how
to grab one another, bring each other up,
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"lift each other up.
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"How can we do that?
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"Brother, I'm like this,
all right, shit.
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"How can I do that?
Well for 5.99 I can make sure you..."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I'll give you
all the knowledge you need.
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[SHRUGS]
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New York, I love ya.
Love ya. I think you're great.
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I truly do.
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Let's clean it up.
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How you doin', brother?
Very colorful.
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See, I like that.
See that, that was nice.
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He's very cool,
see how he, brother's just like,
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"Hey peace, you know,
like motherfucker I'm sittin' here
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"but you don't
intimidate me, fucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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See I like that, see.
That's a bad motherfucker.
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Like all right?
Well go on with your motherfuckin' show then.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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'Cause see, that's how we
got to greet each other.
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Man you know what I'm sayin'
how brothers say,
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"Wassup? Wassup?
How you doin' partner, how you feelin' today?" Like that.
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How come
we can't do that, man?
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Brothers act like they can't
speak to other brothers.
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"Wassup man?
Fuck up with you?"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Motherfucker,
you all in my mouth."
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Women do that same shit.
We gotta stop this.
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Women, you know
you all do that shit.
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[APPLAUSE]
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They hate when
another woman come in there.
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Come into the room.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Look at that bitch."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I'm just sayin' you
do not wear no sandals with a dress, okay?
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You don't do that, all right?"
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White people speak to yo' ass
like a mother, don't they?
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When it's... When...
Like a lot of black people, won't they speak to ya?
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They're funky
when it's just like...
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If you're just one
black person and there's a whole lot of white.
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White people get
very funky with ya'. "How ya' doin' there?"
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Psst.
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00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:05,215
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"What the fuck does he want?"
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Let a gang
of black people say, "How you doin'?"
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"Hi, how you doin'?"
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00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,788
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:19,407
"Somethin' I can get y'all?
Somethin' I can take ya? All righty.
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"Fuckin' all righty.
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"Don't want no violence.
Just want to love ya."
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Okay, here we go.
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Coming to the stage
is Houston's chocolate kiss.
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And I know you
goin' to enjoy it
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so fasten your seat belt
for Thea Vidale.
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Give it up.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[CHEERING]
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00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,830
Hey, how ya doin'?
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AUDIENCE: Hello.
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I know y'all ain't
never this beautiful womaness before, huh?
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These titties is mine.
I grew these myself.
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They don't leak or nothin'.
116
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:10,284
Man, I been watchin' the news.
I get depressed about shit.
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The media is full of shit.
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They make us look stupid,
they must think we're crazy.
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Media full of shit.
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Like the time they was
talkin' about Jeffrey Dahmer.
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Saying the man was crazy
'cause he ate them people.
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Now I been eaten
by plenty of men, I ain't called nobody crazy.
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00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:29,432
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
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I called 'em back
but I didn't call 'em crazy.
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Called some of 'em good,
but I didn't call 'em crazy.
126
00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:41,705
But I give Jeffrey credit,
he must have had a thing for dark meat.
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I guess white meat
was a little bit too dry.
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00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:46,055
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
129
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:49,711
And my boy, Mike Tyson,
the poor nigger, he done gone to jail.
130
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:52,317
Made an example
out of his ass.
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00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:55,108
And I don't know why he felt
he had to rape that girl
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'cause he had
$60 million.
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00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,715
$60 million, you ain't
got to rape no pussy.
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Pussy is comin' out
the heavens for your ass.
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00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:06,084
Pussy juice being sprinkling
in your face every mornin'.
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00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,911
Grandmama showing
you her pussy.
137
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,859
"Baby you want some of this?"
138
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,129
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,964
'Cause be honest, homeboy,
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for a million dollars
you'd fuck Mike Tyson, wouldn't ya, Daddy?
141
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,048
Thank you for
tellin' the truth.
142
00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:27,234
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
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00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,804
I have brothers tell me,
"No, I wouldn't fuck him."
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Hell, yeah, I'd fuck
the Pope in a Klansman robe for a million dollars.
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Make him cum for three.
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00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:42,107
Shit.
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00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:45,067
I know about fuckin'.
I got four children,
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all by the same man,
unfortunately.
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Ain't like I wasn't tryin'.
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00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:54,082
I love my children,
I had 'em, they mine.
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00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:56,685
But it's gettin' close
to summertime.
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That's the worse time
of year for a parent
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'cause you gotta deal with
their little ass all day long.
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And wherever you go, they go.
155
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:07,486
And you have to have
that little speech with them in the car.
156
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:10,320
You know the one where
you grit your teeth like Patton so they believe you.
157
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:13,619
"When we get in the
grocery store, you don't want shit,
158
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:18,187
"you don't need shit,
don't look at shit, don't touch shit,
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00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:20,536
"you ain't gettin' shit."
160
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,407
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
161
00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:32,819
"You don't have to pee.
162
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,560
"If you do, hold it
till you bust.
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00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,691
"Don't make me drop kick
your ass through this store."
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00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,085
And do you remember
when you were little,
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00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:43,349
your momma and dad
get ready to go out somewhere,
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00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,832
you'd run out the door
behind them yellin',
167
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:49,662
"Bring me something back.
Bring me something back."
168
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,533
And they bring you back
a stick of gum,
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00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:53,844
you the happiest little
piece of shit in the world?
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00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:56,101
I'm scared of bringing
my kids home a stick of gum.
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00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,894
"Bitch, what is this?"
172
00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:59,018
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
173
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:01,630
"I said bring me
something back.
174
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,591
"You better get your
black ass out there and get me a Nintendo."
175
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:07,201
[CHEERING]
176
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:17,907
And last summer,
I was blessed to spend time with my classmate,
177
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,038
somebody I grew up with.
178
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,741
And the one thing
I remember about her is that she hit her mother.
179
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:26,699
I have never hit my momma
'cause that bitch is crazy.
180
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,920
[APPLAUSE]
181
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,789
My momma so bad,
I dreamed I hit her
182
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,701
and the bitch killed me.
Know what I'm sayin'?
183
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:36,227
And havin' her children
be with my children, one thing I realize is that
184
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:38,751
white folks rear
their children differently from black folks.
185
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,615
That's why they
kill them in they sleep and shit at night,
186
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,577
they ain't scared of them.
187
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:45,625
And I send my twins,
Hellfire and Damnation
188
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,852
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
189
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,891
When you have your children,
you name them the fuck you want to name them.
190
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,157
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
191
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:52,979
I send them
to parochial school
192
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,157
and the majority
of their friends happen to be white.
193
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:56,733
I don't have no problem
with that because I don't hate white folks.
194
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,120
Some of my best friends
hate them.
195
00:09:58,162 --> 00:09:59,342
But anyway...
196
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,171
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
197
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,209
And the other day Hellfire
came over to me
198
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,744
says one of the most
ridiculous shit I ever heard in my life.
199
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,259
The other day,
she walks up to me and goes,
200
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,652
"Like Mom, like,
the other day in school..."
201
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,916
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
202
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,789
"...they told us if you hit us
with a belt or a switch or an extension cord
203
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:17,181
"and like leave marks
on our bodies,
204
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:20,445
"that we can call an 800
number and the police will come and take you to jail."
205
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:24,802
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
206
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:27,241
I said, "Bitch, you gotta
make it to the phone."
207
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:29,798
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
208
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:35,111
"Who are you fuckin' with?"
209
00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:38,456
And my children fight so much.
Do your children fight?
210
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:41,377
It's like nature's way
of saying you should have given head, isn't it?
211
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,212
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
212
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:49,523
Sometimes on a bad day
I just look at mine and I go, "I could have swallowed you."
213
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:55,787
[APPLAUSE]
214
00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,305
You guys have been
fun, thanks.
215
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:03,005
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
216
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:15,111
Thea Vidal, Thea Vidal.
217
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:18,982
Hook me up, Thea.
Hook me up.
218
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:22,196
Now, keep it up.
A long time ago in Roanoke, Virginia
219
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:24,596
I had did a show out...
I was out there
220
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,080
and I had the opportunity
of working with this brother and it was a lot of fun.
221
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:31,342
And so I'm just glad
he's on the show here to perform for you tonight.
222
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:35,386
So from...my man from Boston,
give it up for Melvin George II.
223
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:38,523
[APPLAUSE]
224
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:39,997
[CHEERING]
225
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,412
Good evening.
226
00:11:57,499 --> 00:12:00,499
The name is Melvin George II,
I'm from Boston, Massachusetts.
227
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:05,196
It's okay,
I live in New York now.
228
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:08,076
Probably can't tell
to look at me, but I'm not cool.
229
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:09,948
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
230
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:12,561
I'm not.
231
00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:14,601
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
232
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:28,696
Last time I was here
somebody broke into my car and stole my luggage.
233
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:32,318
So I figured I'd come back
just to see what everybody's wearin'.
234
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,800
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
235
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:39,542
I travel all over this country
doing comedy, and I can tell you one thing right now.
236
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:42,674
No matter what city I go to,
whenever it rains,
237
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:46,898
the best drivers
in the world become idiots behind the wheel.
238
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,900
You know what
I'm talkin' about?
239
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:51,992
I see so many accidents
in my rear view mirror.
240
00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:56,649
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
241
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:09,532
It's great to be
here on the Def Jam.
242
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:12,841
I've been doin' comedy
for a long time now with no recognition.
243
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,449
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
244
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:15,879
I'm glad you enjoy that.
245
00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,542
Getting to the point where
I can walk down the street
246
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:22,111
and recognize people
that have been in my audience.
247
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:26,019
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
248
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:29,806
Tell you right now,
I don't do dick jokes.
249
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:34,072
I start joking like that,
people start looking at my long fingers, you know,
250
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:37,467
start hearing my deep voice
and want my shoe size.
251
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:40,652
Then they start thinking,
"The guy's well hung."
252
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:44,779
I don't want anyone
to focus on that, it's no big deal.
253
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,174
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
254
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,181
I mean, what good is it
being so well-endowed
255
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,915
if every time
you get an erection,
256
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:59,526
you draw all the blood out
of your body and faint?
257
00:13:59,577 --> 00:14:01,747
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
258
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:09,330
Some of you are laughing.
Some of you are sitting there going,
259
00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:10,410
"I don't get it."
260
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,198
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
261
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,858
I'm not cool.
But you wanna know what is cool?
262
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,465
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
263
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:35,571
Not too long ago, my wife
gave birth to an eight pound two ounce baby boy.
264
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,403
[APPLAUSE]
265
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,844
Yup, I'm an uncle.
266
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,491
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
267
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,234
No, I'm joking, I'm joking,
it's a joke.
268
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,017
Hey listen, just listen,
all right,
269
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:54,195
after watchin' my wife
carry my child for nine months,
270
00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:56,591
I think women are
the superheroes of the human race.
271
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:57,854
I really do.
272
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,857
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
273
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,509
'Cause you have
a power guys don't have.
274
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:06,252
You can pass life
through your body. Guys can't do that.
275
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,646
See, I learned,
I learned a woman's pelvis bone,
276
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:11,480
has to separate so the
child can pass through it.
277
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,739
That's got to be very painful,
278
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,182
I mean, I can't speak
for you guys,
279
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:18,919
but if my little peepee hole
started going...
280
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,441
[VOCALIZING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
281
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,708
Abortion would be the law.
282
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,281
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
283
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,496
I respect my wife very much.
284
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,845
I just don't respect
the guys that call my house to talk to her.
285
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,158
I'm a jealous guy.
286
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,684
I didn't realize I was jealous
till this guy called my house
287
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:49,038
to talk to my wife
when she wasn't home.
288
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:52,208
I actually challenged the guy,
over the phone,
289
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:55,255
to see whose voice was deeper.
290
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,172
That's jealousy when
you're standing there going,
291
00:15:57,217 --> 00:16:00,477
"Hello?
Hello, is Cheryl there?"
292
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,834
[IN DEEPER VOICE] "No,
I'm sorry, Cheryl's not here, can I take a message?"
293
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:07,305
[SPEAKING IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE]
"Well, would you just tell her Sid called please."
294
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:12,227
"Okay, Sid, I'll tell her
that you called, anything else?"
295
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,705
"No, just tell her that
I called, all right."
296
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,367
[MUMBLING IN DEEP VOICE]
297
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,022
You've been a lot of fun.
I'm Melvin George II, enjoy the rest of the show.
298
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,547
Thank you very much
and good night.
299
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:24,850
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
300
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,258
Comin' to the stage,
Terry Tuff.
301
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:42,176
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
302
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:49,012
Keep it goin' for
Martin Lawrence, y'all give it up.
303
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,175
Clap, damn it.
304
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,146
And I'm a hostile black man.
305
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:59,019
Y'all ain't goin' to guess
who I saw comin' over here.
306
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:02,057
Sammy Davis Jr.
307
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,278
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
308
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:08,027
Oh, okay, white folk can see
Elvis, but I can't see Sammy, motherfuckers.
309
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:10,290
[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
310
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,390
But I'm hostile 'cause
they put my boy in jail.
311
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:24,091
He didn't rape that girl.
312
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,870
You want me to tell
you how I know?
313
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,265
The bitch's neck
wasn't broke, was it?
314
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:30,749
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
315
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,664
You'll know if Mike
rape your ass,
316
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,185
something going to be broke.
317
00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:37,669
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
318
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,448
But you know if Mike
did rape that girl,
319
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,153
I know that was
a wild scenario.
320
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:44,411
When you see
Mike rapin' 'em...
321
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:45,464
Mike talkin' about...
322
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:52,554
[MIKE TYSON VOICE]
Basically...
323
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,513
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:57,343
Basically you're
pissing me off.
325
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:01,076
This whole situation
is absolutely ludicrous.
326
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:04,083
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
327
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:08,126
It's phenomenal,
it's astronomical, you're pissing me off.
328
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,574
I'm the greatest
boxer of all time.
329
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:12,311
I'm so physically
intimidating.
330
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:15,272
I'm a very massive guy,
very massive guy.
331
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:19,274
Desiree, you're
pissing me off.
332
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,705
Move your hand.
333
00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:22,841
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
334
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:28,542
Just move... Desiree just...
Just move your hand.
335
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,325
Desiree, just...
336
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:33,200
Okay, that's it.
Don, hold her legs. Motherfucker.
337
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,242
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
338
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,768
Don talkin' about,
"Only in America, motherfucker, only in..."
339
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:45,169
Ali was a champ, he never
got accused of rape, did he?
340
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,081
It ain't like
he wasn't havin' sex.
341
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,037
Ali had a baby in every state.
342
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,125
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
343
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:55,794
I believe
Sugar Ray Leonard his son, he look just like him.
344
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,440
[CLEARING THROAT]
345
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,402
Ali just talk a woman
out of her drawers, though, Ali.
346
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:09,187
I want you to take them
big drawers off lay them over there on the dresser.
347
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:12,715
I'm going to shake up
the whole apartment building. They going to say that's Ali.
348
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,550
He's the greatest,
he's the greatest lover... Make you scream,
349
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:17,809
say, "Ali, you're
too legit to quit."
350
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,202
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
351
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,415
Say, "Hurt me, hurt me, Ali."
352
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:24,384
So I'm gonna make you scream,
say, "Oh Ali. I'm pullin' the penis out,"
353
00:19:24,424 --> 00:19:26,644
you gonna say,
"It's the prettiest penis of all time."
354
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:30,387
I'm the greatest,
I'm the greatest penis, I'm just gonna cum,
355
00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:34,170
it feels good,
it's gonna come, here it is, it feels good,
356
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,346
say,"Mmm..."
357
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:37,872
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
358
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:46,882
But you know who I notice
who can't handle women?
359
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:48,844
Religious leaders.
360
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:51,153
Ralph Abernathy
in Atlanta, Georgia
361
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,670
came out of his mouth
with some crazy shit.
362
00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:57,674
Come talkin' about Dr. King
had sex with other women.
363
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,418
I said, "Get out of here."
364
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:02,459
You know he loved Coretta,
she was the apple of his eye.
365
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,122
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
366
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:09,082
Talkin' about he listened
outside the bedroom door,
367
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,210
heard Dr. King
makin' love noises.
368
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,303
I said, "I couldn't picture
Dr. King making love noises, could you?
369
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,523
"I couldn't picture
Dr. King talkin about...
370
00:20:18,086 --> 00:20:20,306
"I want you to pick
your leg up..."
371
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:22,569
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
372
00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:31,583
"But don't stop there."
373
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,931
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
374
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:38,891
"I want you to stand up
and say, 'Dr. King, let's get busy.'"
375
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:41,073
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
376
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:44,496
But don't stop there.
377
00:20:46,462 --> 00:20:48,202
I want you
to stand up and say,
378
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,417
"Dr. King, you're the
greatest lover of all time."
379
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:55,252
But don't stop there.
380
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:02,775
And when you get
that funny feelin',
381
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:07,436
I want you to stand up
and shout out that ole negro bedroom lingo.
382
00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:09,493
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
383
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:14,008
"I came at last,
I came at last.
384
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:16,745
"Thank God almighty,
I came at last."
385
00:21:16,797 --> 00:21:19,317
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Tuff. See ya.
386
00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:21,315
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
387
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:32,904
Yo, keep the energy goin'.
388
00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:34,823
Comin' to the stage is my man.
389
00:21:34,858 --> 00:21:39,078
Every chance we get in L.A.
to hang out, we hang out.
390
00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:41,433
Acting crazy,
but he's one of the funniest brothers out there,
391
00:21:41,474 --> 00:21:43,874
he's from St. Louis.
392
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:46,351
He was on a show, he rocked
and he's going to rock again, give it up for my man
393
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:50,182
Y'all watch out
up front, Joe Torry.
394
00:21:50,221 --> 00:21:52,531
[APPLAUSE]
395
00:22:01,407 --> 00:22:03,967
Uh, wassup?
396
00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:06,798
If y'all ready for this
last laugh let me hear you say, "Hell yeah."
397
00:22:06,847 --> 00:22:08,107
AUDIENCE: Hell yeah.
398
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:09,982
All right, give Martin
a round of applause,
399
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:11,634
there's field rat
lookin' at us.
400
00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,808
[APPLAUSE]
401
00:22:13,854 --> 00:22:15,864
Def Jam back in the house.
402
00:22:15,899 --> 00:22:18,729
All these fuckin' braids
in the damn house, look at this shit.
403
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,902
Hit like a bag of ole fuckin'
jump ropes, don't it?
404
00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:23,208
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
405
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:26,174
Damn, tie y'all shit together
and play double dutch on this motherfucker.
406
00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:28,394
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
407
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:31,484
Okay, look at that
big ol' red dress on.
408
00:22:31,524 --> 00:22:33,354
What are you, some Christmas
ornament or some shit?
409
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:38,921
Damn, sittin' there with
a ribbon and shit, she all cute and shit.
410
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:40,836
"I'm going to the Def Jam."
411
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,321
How you doin'?
412
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:45,973
Yeah, you know
you goin' to get it.
413
00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,186
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
414
00:22:48,236 --> 00:22:49,976
I know you trying to be
natural, but that's too motherfuckin' natural.
415
00:22:50,891 --> 00:22:51,941
That is naturally nappy.
416
00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:53,069
Look at her shit.
417
00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:55,640
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
418
00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:58,589
Uh, damn!
419
00:22:58,638 --> 00:23:00,508
Split ends got split ends.
420
00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:02,513
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
421
00:23:03,556 --> 00:23:06,426
Do you see this shit?
422
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:08,652
You came out like this,
I'm gonna fuck with your ass.
423
00:23:08,691 --> 00:23:10,261
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
424
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:12,261
Damn, is there
a beautician in the house?
425
00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:14,611
Get some rollers down.
426
00:23:14,654 --> 00:23:16,574
You like old broke-ass
Queen Latifah.
427
00:23:16,612 --> 00:23:18,442
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
428
00:23:19,528 --> 00:23:20,528
Yo shit.
429
00:23:25,316 --> 00:23:27,316
Big old beige woman,
look at herself.
430
00:23:30,974 --> 00:23:34,024
How y'all doin'
out in the front row?
431
00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:38,424
Some ugly feet,
and ashy too, look at them motherfuckers.
432
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,380
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
433
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,679
You need to soak your shit
in some baby oil or some shit.
434
00:23:43,726 --> 00:23:45,416
Put them mother...
Put them feet in a crock pot
435
00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:47,077
and just marinate
your motherfuckers.
436
00:23:47,121 --> 00:23:48,561
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
437
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:50,561
Sittin' in the front
with some ashy-ass feet.
438
00:23:50,603 --> 00:23:52,173
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
439
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:53,783
Look like you been
kicking flour.
440
00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:56,443
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
441
00:23:57,566 --> 00:23:58,566
What the fuck?
442
00:24:02,223 --> 00:24:03,793
That's a goddamn shame.
443
00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:06,972
Motherfuckin' shame.
444
00:24:08,708 --> 00:24:11,098
Kickin' free in the house?
Kickin'.
445
00:24:11,145 --> 00:24:12,405
I wanted to come out
to a Ray,
446
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,761
I wanted to come out
to Atomic Dog.
447
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,580
He wouldn't even
play the motherfucker.
448
00:24:15,628 --> 00:24:18,588
Tell me,
"I got something that sound just like it."
449
00:24:18,631 --> 00:24:21,111
Fuck that.
I knew you when you was Kid Pinto.
450
00:24:21,155 --> 00:24:24,455
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
451
00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,156
Went straight to
Capri and shit.
452
00:24:26,203 --> 00:24:27,773
When you goin' to be
Kid Benz?
453
00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:29,824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
454
00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:31,769
Dumb. I'm goin'
to spend this little Def Jam check, too,
455
00:24:31,818 --> 00:24:34,298
they give my ass and shit.
456
00:24:34,342 --> 00:24:36,612
Def Jam check, government
take all my fuckin' money out.
457
00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:39,569
I ain't got no kids,
no property, government just took all my shit.
458
00:24:39,608 --> 00:24:41,698
'Cause I know who
the Federal and Social Security shit is, right.
459
00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:43,481
But who the fuck is FICA?
460
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:45,655
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
461
00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:48,661
Oh man, who's them
motherfuckers on the check?
462
00:24:48,704 --> 00:24:51,934
They should be FUCKYA
'cause that's what they do to your ass.
463
00:24:51,968 --> 00:24:53,928
For real. Now,
I got insurance now.
464
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:55,540
Shit, I didn't have insurance,
I got insurance now.
465
00:24:55,581 --> 00:24:57,671
You can best believe it,
this shit pay like 80%.
466
00:24:57,713 --> 00:24:59,933
I go to every
motherfuckin' doc there is.
467
00:24:59,976 --> 00:25:03,456
Every doctor, motherfuckin'
hair doctor, foot, eye, I don't give a fuck.
468
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,332
I ain't bullshittin'.
I went to the gynecologist
469
00:25:05,373 --> 00:25:07,113
just to see
what the fuck he was doin'.
470
00:25:07,157 --> 00:25:09,197
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
471
00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:11,806
Fuck that.
472
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:14,378
'Cause you got to get
the fuck over, you got to get over.
473
00:25:14,425 --> 00:25:17,985
When they was lootin' in LA,
shit, I was right down with the motherfuckers. Fuck that.
474
00:25:18,038 --> 00:25:19,778
I ain't got no morals
when it come to that shit.
475
00:25:19,822 --> 00:25:21,352
I'm takin' advantage
of all the shit I can.
476
00:25:21,389 --> 00:25:22,779
Fine, I was
stealing some shit,
477
00:25:22,825 --> 00:25:24,345
got some shit
outside on sale too.
478
00:25:24,392 --> 00:25:25,522
Yeah, motherfucker
on the way out...
479
00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:27,087
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
480
00:25:27,134 --> 00:25:28,884
...sell you some shit.
I ain't been out of town,
481
00:25:28,918 --> 00:25:31,228
I've been downtown buying shit
and stealing shit. Fuck it.
482
00:25:31,268 --> 00:25:33,398
You know the bad thing
that came out of the lootin' and shit,
483
00:25:33,444 --> 00:25:35,454
'cause you know the white
guy got beat up, Reginald Denny.
484
00:25:35,490 --> 00:25:37,880
I mean you know, you
can't help that shit, but God damn, man.
485
00:25:37,927 --> 00:25:42,057
Brought this shit on yourself.
You were fuckin' South Central on verdict day?
486
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:44,667
Just crusin' like
a motherfucker.
487
00:25:44,717 --> 00:25:46,847
You out your goddamn mind.
488
00:25:46,893 --> 00:25:49,983
Shouldn't have been crusin'.
How'd the fuck anybody in a big-ass truck
489
00:25:50,026 --> 00:25:51,766
goin' to let some
motherfuckers whip their ass?
490
00:25:51,811 --> 00:25:53,771
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
491
00:25:53,813 --> 00:25:55,383
He should have been
runnin' niggers straight the fuck over.
492
00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:57,433
I'd a been like...
[IMITATING ENGINE REVVING]
493
00:25:57,468 --> 00:25:59,508
Motherfucker,
I'm gonna back squash all of you motherfuckers.
494
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:01,468
He goin' get out here,
"What do you want, what do you want?"
495
00:26:01,516 --> 00:26:04,166
That's what you want,
motherfucker.
496
00:26:04,214 --> 00:26:07,834
That's what your ass get,
bein' friendly and shit.
497
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:10,700
Shit don't pay
that white boy shit. You got to take it right up...
498
00:26:10,743 --> 00:26:13,053
Crazy ass shit, crazy.
499
00:26:13,093 --> 00:26:14,923
Jeffrey Dahmer ass,
he's crazy, that's crazy.
500
00:26:14,964 --> 00:26:16,884
Remember that eat
'em up mother?
501
00:26:16,923 --> 00:26:18,273
He don't want to go
to the store no more. Prices too high.
502
00:26:18,315 --> 00:26:19,795
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
503
00:26:19,839 --> 00:26:22,359
Fuck it, he ain't cuttin'
out no coupons, fuck that.
504
00:26:22,406 --> 00:26:24,926
He wanna eat motherfuckers.
505
00:26:24,974 --> 00:26:28,024
Eat mother, just some crazy...
'Cause they white people crazy.
506
00:26:28,064 --> 00:26:31,244
I'm sayin' you see them
on Rescue 911every time, 'cause they crazy.
507
00:26:31,285 --> 00:26:33,415
Black people ain't crazy.
'Cause you seen the black chick?
508
00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:35,461
The black woman there that was
talkin' to Jeffrey Dahmer.
509
00:26:35,506 --> 00:26:37,596
She's goin' one up
on that motherfucker. Remember in the jail?
510
00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:41,079
"I'll fuck you up, Jeffrey."
But the bitch knew how far like, to go.
511
00:26:41,121 --> 00:26:43,081
The bitch was like,
"Oh, ah..."
512
00:26:43,123 --> 00:26:45,343
Jeffrey was like,
"Bring your ass over here, bitch, come on.
513
00:26:45,386 --> 00:26:47,996
"I may be goin' to jail,
but I ain't lost my appetite, bitch."
514
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:49,171
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
515
00:26:49,216 --> 00:26:51,166
Peace y'all.
Joe Torry, I'm gone.
516
00:26:52,045 --> 00:26:55,045
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
517
00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:01,182
There's Joe Torry.
518
00:27:01,228 --> 00:27:02,528
That's my man.
519
00:27:02,577 --> 00:27:04,667
Yeah.
520
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:06,760
Now we want to thank y'all
for makin' this evenin' possible again.
521
00:27:06,799 --> 00:27:09,059
Let me bring my man
Russell Simmons up.
522
00:27:09,105 --> 00:27:11,495
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
523
00:27:14,458 --> 00:27:16,848
Thanks for coming out.
Good night, God bless you.
524
00:27:19,812 --> 00:27:21,772
[MUSIC PLAYING]
525
00:27:21,822 --> 00:27:26,372
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