All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e06.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

And now your host,
Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, man, wassup?
How y'all doing?

I'd like y'all to give
a round of applause

to my man who came out,
this is my ace,

this is the reason
why I'm here today,

my brother Robert.
Please give him a round of applause.

I love you, man.[APPLAUSE]

And my partners,
hanging out. Wassup, y'all? My family, I just...

[SIGHS] Tell Ma the reason why
I hadn't called her in eight years

is that she still
owe me money.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I can get
my shit back, Ma, then I'm coming home.

And I love you, Ma.

We got my man, Serch,
in the house, from 3rd Bass,

but he's solo now.
Wassup, man?

Thank you
for coming out, man.

Ghetto-ass white boy, too.
You know that. Fuck that, man.

Man, if I was white,
I'd be trying to get out of the ghetto, Serch!

So since you want
to stay in the ghetto, here's the gas face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thank you, man,
for coming out, yo.

We gonna have a good
little time tonight.

Thank y'all
for coming out.

Moving on with the show.

Coming to the stage
from Chicago,

give it up
for Kenny Howell.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I ain't got
but a few minutes. I want to let y'all know

I'm from the projects
in Chicago, God damn it.

Where brothers just fuck up
the whole English language.

Y'all got any brothers here
that just fuck it up?

See, brothers can't say them
S-T-R words, right?

They got to make
'em all S-K.

You know, you be like,
"How's your drink?" "It's kinda skrong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where you stay?"
"39th Skreet."

"You aight?"
"Yeah, I'm skraight."

I trip on them brothers
be trying to say shit and can't get it out,

and just end up saying,
"Fuck it." You ever see 'em?

"Man, I had the who...
Now she was gon... I... Fuck that!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And look,
a nigga's favorite black adjective,

the only black adjective
that motherfuckers use a lot, "Boom."

What the fuck is "boom"?

White shirt, black tie?
"Boom."

These the same motherfuckers
that just get high,

have nicknames like
"Stay High."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know?
These the type of motherfuckers

that drug commercials
remind these motherfuckers

that they want to get high.

You be sitting there with
Stay High, he be damn near asleep, scratchin'.

[SNORES]

Commercial come on and say,
"This is drugs.

"And this is
your brain on drugs. Any questions?"

Stay High be talking
about some, "Shit! That's just what I need, too!

"A fire-ass joint
and an egg sammich."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit. I trip,
there's a lot of pretty ladies in the house.

Man, I love
pretty ladies, Jack.

But, fellas, you ever trip out
when you meet a woman? You be in the club,

and everything about her
is beautiful until you get up on her,

and it's just one thing
you just can't fuckin' take?

You know, she has
that beautiful face,

big ol' titties
like elbows...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got to have elbows,
I don't want that bra to pop off

and you see them
red-hot water bottles hit that brother.

Douchebags. [CHUCKLES]

But she got them
pretty titties, man,

and nice waistline,
and cuffed ass on her,

thighs, calves...

Toes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Toes look like...knuckles.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Toes look like corn chips
and shit, right?

And that don't be
the fucked-up part.

The fucked-up part,
she have on sandals in the summer.

And this be the sandal?
And this be her toes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She be picking up shit.
"Excuse me, sir,

"you dropped your
transfer right here."

But see, ladies, y'all got
a way of getting back at our ass, right?

Because when it comes
to sex, a woman can come and keep going,

and won't let
your ass know!

You'll be there
two hours talkin' about,

"Man, this bitch
ain't gonna never come."

She done snuck
a come, homes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I done caught 'em.
A woman will sneak a come on your ass in a minute!

Women be talking about some,
"Oh, baby. It's your pussy. Fuck me baby, I can't..."

[MOANING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

"You coming, baby?"
"No."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She just snuck one
on your ass, Jack.

And see, men can't
do that shit

'cause when a brother come,
it's like...

Am I lying, fellas?
It's like a bolt of lightning

go through your ass
when you fucking.

When a nigga come,
it's like lightning, ain't it?

Nigga be talkin' about,
"This my pussy, jerk it,

"jerk it. What's my name?
Say it, say it!"

That lightning hit his ass.
"Say it!" [SPUTTERS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Motherfucker ass get tight
like two fists.

Nigga ass be so tight,
Moses couldn't part it.

Then brother be laying
in the bed

after he done bust
that good nut,

breathing harder
than a motherfucker.

Can't even say nothing
to his woman, be talkin' about...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

And she look over at him
and go, "Uh, did you come?"

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

"Hell, yeah."

"Oh. Well, I didn't."

"That's fucked up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, you know
what she want!

She want your
motherfucking ass

to give her some head
after that, right?

But see, brothers don't like
giving head

'cause coochie smell
like it just woke up.

No, you know,
with that morning breath?

See, they need to come out
with like a black douche, for black women,

like a watermelon or
chicken-flavored douche.

Chicken-flavored niggas
be eating pussy every night.

I ain't bullshitting.
As a matter of fact, ladies,

if there was
a chicken douche,

you can order head
from your man.

He'd be drunk,
ready to go home, "I'ma stop and get some wings."

"Uh-uh, motherfucker.
Chicken flavor!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You better grab a Pepsi
and a piece of bread, and come on."

Hey, my name's Kenny Howell.
I'm from Chi, y'all been great!

[CHEERING]

Give him another round
of applause, please. Kenny Howell.

I like banana flavor...
Strawberry, you know.

I'm into fruits. Okay?

[CHUCKLES] Y'all,
I'd like to acknowledge Naughty By Nature.

Boys, goddamn.

Treach and partner, wassup?

Y'all some bad
motherfuckers, Joe.

I mean,
no motherfucking joke.

He had them little
Timber boots on, little jail suits, like this.

All right, I'd like
to acknowledge someone.

This is dear to me
and it's not a joke,

but she's one of the top
casting directors,

black casting directors
in the industry.

And she cast me
in my first movie,

so I want to thank you
for coming out, Robi Reed.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

How you doing, girl?

You know people
are gonna be rolling up, "I act. I do acting."

Don't you get some
weird people in acting? I mean, reading for parts?

Just do one line, brother.
It's hard, isn't it? Really hard.

One line and shit.
Just say, "I love you." People can't do that.

"I... Love... You."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Say the shit with emotion."

"I... Love you."

Coming to the stage,
I know you're going to enjoy him.

He's very funny.
Give it up for J'Vonne Pearson.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup? New York.

My man Meldrick Taylor
in the house,

give it up for
Meldrick Taylor.

[APPLAUSE]

He's a fast motherfucker,
ain't he?

Man.

Yo. Wassup, nigga?
Who are you?

I was out
in San Francisco.

Man, do you know that
there's a gay newscast?

A gay newscast.

Could you imagine?
I was sitting there stunned, it came on like...

[SCATTING THEME MUSIC]

"Hi!

"I'm your host Cecil
from San Francisco!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Today someone
was shot in New York.

"Our on-the-spot reporter
Norman from New York,

"Norman, what's going on?"

"Hi, Cecil."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"He's dead and he ain't
getting up. Back to you."

Okay, now it's time for Cecil
to go into the on-the-spot

audience report.
"Hey, Mr. Big Man!

"Oh, you ain't saying nothin'?
You said a lot last night.

"Tweezer man.

"Hello!
Oh, is that your hair?

"No, it's not.
The receipt is hanging down."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where Treach at?

"Hey, Treach!
I'm down with O.P.P."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GASPING]

"I ain't never been
to the ghetto,

"but I'ma come
to the ghetto."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo, but before
I get out of here,

I'd like to dedicate this
in memory of a friend of mine, Khalil Rountree.

He was manager
of Boyz II Men.

He died and I want him
to rest in peace.

To all my homeboys
down in Philly, 46th Street, I'm out.

Meldrick Taylor, Marquita,
the posse. Peace.

[APPLAUSE]

Give J'Vonne Pearson
another round of applause.

Talented young brothers,
boy, talented.

Man. That was scary, though.
Falling in the ass, and...

You wanted to put your
dick in, didn't you?

I mean, you were like,
"Oh, hey, boy!

"Oh, I'm sorry.
Comedy, comedy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Have a good time,
I know you're going to enjoy.

Give it up
for George Willborn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Wassup, New York?

Wassup, New York?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Shit, don't get
scared now.

A nigga in a black suit.

It ain't blue, baby.
I'm blue.

Let me tell you something
right now.

I'm pissed off still
about a lot of shit.

Number one on my list,
Mike Tyson.

I'm still pissed off
about this, people.

Mike in jail. And why?
Why, ladies?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm serious, man.
I'm mad about this, man.

3:00 in the morning.

Come over to my house
at 3:00 in the morning.

Come over to my house
at 12:00 noon!

Don't make no damn sense.

Then find out...
Then find out that the woman...

I don't know
if this is true or not, but they say that

the woman
went in the bathroom

and took off one of them
panty things that the ladies be wearing.

What they called, ladies?
Yeah, panty liner, panty shield.

Bulletproof motherfucking
panties and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Went and took
one of these things off.

And then, to insult it
even further,

they say that Mike Tyson
gave this woman

twenty minutes worth
of oral sex?

What in the hell
kind of rape was this?

"You better stop!
Stop! Mike! Mike!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Rape."

I don't think so.
I don't think so.

I think
something else happened in that goddamn room.

I think she was playing
the coochie game up there with Mike.

Talking about,
"You can have it, Mike. No you can't.

"It's your pussy, Mike.
Psych!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Come on, Mike.
Get it! Nope." Mike be like, boom!

"I like it."

Ain't gonna work.
Man, I'm serious, you know.

I tell you,
I been on the road,

I been
doing a lot of stuff, I've been performing

and I'm into all different
kind of music.

I'm into music. I'm going
to tell you something.

I like rap music.
Any rap fans in here?

I like rap.
I swear to God I do.

See, I went down south
and I saw the coolest shit

you ever want
to see in your life.

I saw a handicapped
rap group.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, y'all need to cut
that shit out, man.

Just because
I said "handicapped." Now, let me tell you something.

Handicapped people be
the first ones to tell you,

"Don't treat me
any different than you treat

"anyone else in the world.
I'm a person, too."

Am I right?
That's right.

So I talk about
they ass, too.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

In fact, last week, I caught
one of them motherfuckers

parking in our spaces.

I tried to beat
his ass, y'all.

And he got a spot right
up front, motherfucker.

He said,
"All right, all right."

My name's George, y'all.
You been great. Good night!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

All right,
coming to the stage...

On some of the shows
you guys see,

we bring talent back,
you know.

Brothers that have rocked
the house,

and they're here
to do it again.

So, give it up, you know
he's from New Jersey, pretty motherfucker.

Give it up for Bill Bellamy.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, New York?

Wassup, New York?

Let me hear all the fellas
in the house bark in here!

[MEN BARKING]

Aight, aight. Some of you
got a cold, but it's aight.

Let me hear all the ladies
in the house say "hello."

WOMEN: Hello!

Oh, shit, see y'all ain't
sayin' it right.

Y'all should say it
like when your brother take y'all out,

y'all find out
he ain't got no money, you be like, "Hello?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look in your
other pocket.

"I swear."

I gotta ask the fellas,
I need the fellas to help me out, right?

This is what
I need to do.

This Mike Tyson case thing
is throwing me off.

And I need to know
if the fellas will help me,

if you want to help me
through this case,

I wanna hear all y'all bark.
Help me, fellas.

[MEN BARKING]

Right.
Let's analyze the case.

Mike Tyson calls the honey,
from the hotel room, 2:00 in the morning.

Is that or is that not
a booty call, can you help me?

[BARKING AND LAUGHING]

Okay. All right. Right.
Now, women know booty calls.

They're usually late.

Ladies know
when that shit come,

they be laying in bed
like... [SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who calling me?"

She ain't even have to go!

And what do honeys
usually do, fellas,

when they don't want to
give you the booty? What they do?

Always bring that
ugly girlfriend to block.

Right? I mean,
what does she expect from Mike Tyson,

he call her up
from the hotel room...

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"

[IMITATES MIKE TYSON]
"Hi, it's Mike. How you doing?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, I saw you
earlier today. I swear, you're beautiful, I swear.

"Why don't you come to my
hotel room, play Scrabble.

"I swear,
we'll just play Scrabble."

Give me a break!

Every brother in here
done made a booty call.

How many times
you been in the crib on a Friday night, chillin'...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Saying to yourself,
"Damn. Who can I call?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MEN BARKING]

Man...

You go to your Rolodex.

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Vanessa. Too many kids."

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

"Stacy." [CLICKS TONGUE]
"Damn, owe her money."

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

"Kim.

"Yeah. I ain't called Kim
in a long time.

"Like bet, let me call Kim."

[IMITATES PHONE DIALING]
Be praying she home, too.

[IMITATES LINE RINGING]

"Pick this motherfucker up."

[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"

[NORMAL VOICE] "Yes!"

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Wassup!"

[NORMAL VOICE] "Wassup, Kim,
how you doing?"

"I'm all right."
"Yo, I was, you know,

"just thinking about you
a little bit, you know. Um, what you doing?"

[CLICKS TONGUE] "Nothing."

[EXHALES] "I'm kinda tired.

"You know, I went shopping
today. I am so tired. I'm already in the bed."

"Hey! Oh, shit!

"Ooh!

"You in the bed?
Aight, check it out.

"Why don't you come by?
Why don't you come by?

"Come on, for real.
Why don't you just slide on by?

"Maybe we could like,
make a movie...

"I mean, watch a movie
or some shit like that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I am so tired. I mean,
I don't know if I could come out tonight."

"Yo, come on. How long
could it take you to get over here?"

"Five minutes, I guess.
I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just let me throw
something on, okay? I'm coming, all right?"

"Don't play,
are you coming?

"Don't fuck around,
I'm serious. You coming, though, right?"

"Yes, I'm coming."
"All right, all right.

"I'll see you
in a few minutes, aight? You coming?

"I'll see you
in a few minutes."

Go to the shower.
"Whoo!

"Whoo!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Walk by the mirror.
"I'm in the house!

"Aw, shit!
My booty on the way!"

Every time a car
roll by the window, you hit the shade.

"Where's the booty?
Oh, shit!

"Where is my booty?
I know my booty's on the way!

"Shit." Ten minutes later,
doorbell ring.

[IMITATES DOORBELL RINGING]

You like, "Hey!"

Roll to the door.

"Wassup, Kim?

"Why you bring your girl?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"That's fucked up."

"Well, she was up, and I
ain't know, you know...

"She was just up and I didn't
want to come by myself."

And the ugly girlfriend
always got something to say, don't she, right?

[DEEP VOICE]
"How long y'all gonna be?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go sit your ass in the car
and shut up."

Seriously, man.
Sex make you do crazy...

And I'll
tell you this, right?

Everybody here remembers
the best sex they had.

You will never forget
the best shit you had.

You know
what I'm talking about.

How many times have you been
driving and shit, right?

You be driving
and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MEN BARKING]

"She gonna get a booty
call tonight!"

My name is Bill Bellamy.
It's been real, y'all!

[CHEERING]

Bill Bellamy.
Give him a round of applause.

[CHEERING]

Okay, you have made this
a wonderful occasion.

Let's bring out my man,
Russell Simmons.

God bless you.
Good night.

We'll see you next week.

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