All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s02e05.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
SimmonsDef Comedy Jam!

And now, your host,
Martin Lawrence.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give my man a round
of applause, Kid Capri.

[APPLAUSE]

How you doin'? Pepper Johnson
and the New York giants here. Give them a round of applause.

MARTIN: Why you tryin'...

Your boy trying to be
cool on there.

What's his name?
I don't know it.

The motherfucker always
got on a helmet.

You! The one with the loud-ass
flower shirt on.

Well, fuck it. All y'all got
on some loud shit, though.

But ain't nobody
gonna tell ya,

but me, 'cause I got
the mic and I got security and I could get out the door.

How you doin',
Mr. White Man? How you doin'?

Just wanted to come over,
say hello to you.

Wanted to see how
you were doin', you know.

How you feel?

Feeling good?

Is this your chick?

MARTIN: That's your chick?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You bad now, ain't you?

Fuck, I'm nailin' her,
you know.

Fuckin' well it out!

Fuckin' wellin' it, man.

Welcome to the show.

Hey, we just gonna
do this thing, you know.

God damn.

I didn't see
this motherfucker.

How you doin'?

These motherfuckers look
like the broke Milli Vanilli, don't they?

[CHUCKLES]

Welcome to the show,
Milli Vanilli.

Give them a round
of applause, please.

We're gonna try
to buy the album

if you sing on
the motherfuckin' next album, okay?

So look, you guys,
we want to thank you for coming to join us again.

Have fun, 'cause the brothers
coming out here are workin' very hard for you.

Let's have a great time.
I know you gonna enjoy it.

So movin' on,

come, my man
from Chicago, Illinois.

He's gonna come out
and kick it for you.

Give it up for my man,
Chriss Charles.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

How y'all doin'?

Give me an "Aw, yeah!"

AUDINCE: Aw, yeah!

That ain't loud enough,
New York.

I heard y'all some
loud motherfuckers.

Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!

All the white people
in the house,

this is a black show,
and you got all these white motherfuckers up in here.

I don't want to
leave y'all out.

Give me a "Yee-haw!"

Come on, white people,
give me a "Yee-haw!"

White lady up in the balcony,
give me a motherfuckin'...

I'll come there and get
your motherfuckin' ass.

Give me a, "Yee-haw!"

There's a white man
down there.

Where's the motherfucker at
that Martin was messin' with? Where he at?

And he's with a sister, too.

Ain't that a
motherfuckin' bitch!

That's okay, man.
You know, brothers be datin' white girls.

You know what they say,
goose, goose, guinea, guinea,

white girl pussy, good as any.
So, fuck it.

I just feel uncomfortable
sometimes performing in front of white people

because I'm black and
I slip up and say the word "nigga" every now and then.

It don't make me feel
uncomfortable no more because I looked the word up.

And nigger means,
in reality, "lazy person".

And when you go back
four or five hundred years,

you think about this shit
and you say,

"Well, who went and
got who to do whose motherfuckin' work?"

So all you motherfuckers out
there in cable land, how you niggas doin'?

'Cause I'm gonna talk
some motherfuckin' shit. I'm pissed off.

In fact, I'm mad
as motherfuckin' hell over that Rodney King shit.

Over the Mike Tyson shit.

Let's talk, in fact, all the
brothers in the house say, "I'm mad as hell."

AUDIENCE: I'm mad as hell.

Say, "I ain't gonna take this
shit no motherfuckin' more."

AUDIENCE: I ain't gonna
take this shit no motherfuckin' more.

That's, let's...

I'm gonna skip over Rodney.

You know that was
foul about Rodney King.

That's why I wear this button.
Fuck the police.

Fuck them motherfuckers, man.

You know, they do.

They arrest you
for some bullshit,

like Mike Tyson
shouldn't have went to jail for that shit.

He didn't rape that girl.
How many of y'all think that Mike Tyson raped that girl?

No, no, no.

She could have
got him off her.

She could have hollered
"ding, ding"

and the motherfucker
would have ran in the corner somewhere, man.

He'd have been pissed.
"I never get to fight. I never get no pussy!"

He didn't do that
motherfuckin' shit, man.

'Cause that how come
I don't take no women out no motherfuckin' more, man.

The last time I took
a girl out, man,

I was down here.
I took a girl to a nice, expensive restaurant.

Sizzler.

That motherfucker's
expensive to my ass, man.

Man, women always want to go
out and eat the most expensive shit on the motherfuckin menu.

Jumbo shrimps.

See, look at them.

Clappin' like you ain't
never had seafood in your motherfuckin' life.

I don't mind buying some
jumbo shrimp if I'm gonna get some pussy.

"Hey, are we fuckin' tonight?"
"No."

"Bring her some
fish sticks, please."

'Cause you go over a woman's
house, man, and... Check this out.

Women know black mothers
will be talkin' to these sisters.

They don't give 'em no leg.

And if a woman say
she ain't gonna give you no pussy,

she mean that shit.

They know how to get in bed,

they know how to
lock them motherfuckin' knees together.

They cross them arms.
Look like a mummy in the motherfuckin' bed, man.

You can't get through to them.

You could get a jackhammer.
[IMITATING JACKHAMMER]

You could put
dynamite between... [IMITATING EXPLOSION]

You can have passwords,
"Open Sesame."

And they'll be, "Not by the
hair of my chinny-chin-chin."

They always wanna lay
in bed and talk.

What the fuck are we
gonna talk about?

We already lay there like this
shit don't bother us, man.

I shouldn't do this,
'cause all the white people be thinking

our shit is hung
like this for real.

You know, nigger wish
his dick was this big, man.

If you had a dick this big,
you would get no motherfuckin' pussy.

If you came out the room,
"Ready baby? Haha!"

Women would be, "Ah!
You hurt my pussy. No."

Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!

You can't do shit with a dick
this big

except hang a string
on that motherfucker and go fishing.

You'd be out on
the bus stop and shit.

You couldn't do nothing.

You couldn't drive
with no dick in the windshield like this.

You couldn't even walk
down the street.

You'd look like a
blind man walking down the...

You couldn't do nothing
with a dick like this except be a superhero.

It would be the adventures
of Robo Dick.

You there, white man.

Say, "Aw, yeah!"
or I'll shoot. Say it.

Look at them fags
in the back of the room, "Me next. Do me!"

One thing I will say about
white people that's cool,

y'all got some
good-ass weed.

I gotta give
you some of that...

Yeah, uh-huh. You late.

I don't feel sorry for
them motherfuckers.

They got enough shit
going for them,

but y'all do smoke
some good-ass herb.

I don't know why they don't
legalize marijuana, man.

Drink alcohol is worse than...
It is.

You try to drink and drive,
you can't do that shit.

They got these
DUI cops out there.

That motherfucker arrested
me the other day.

He said I was drunk driving.

How the fuck else am I gonna
get home if I don't drink and drive?

You know? You crash into shit
when you drinking and driving.

You smoke a joint, you ain't
gonna crash into nothing.

Many days I done smoked a
joint and left the club, man.

I ain't hit nothing because
I'm sitting at the stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

Motherfuckers are blowin'.
"Why don't you run that motherfucker?"

"No, Jack."

You know, fuck the
government, man.

They want me to pay...

Fuckers bothering me
about my student loan.

I ain't gonna pay the
motherfuckin' student loan. I ain't graduate.

One thing I gotta say before
I go, y'all, brothers,

I like to be positive.
I like to strong,

I'm into the black thing,
supporting black businesses.

You know, they're trying to
suppress us.

We can't have own.

You know, we have
the white people, not all of y'all,

but some of y'all got
the Ku Klux Klan.

Not that you want to start
no shit, but just in case we move in your neighborhood,

you can move us
right the fuck on out, you know?

Government got
the National Guard.

You know, not that they want
to start nothing, but just in case.

Why can't black people have
our little thing like,

the Black Panthers?
You know what I'm sayin'.

Not that we wanna
start no shit

but just in case.

Give me an "Aw, yeah!"

My name is Chriss Charles.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. We gonna keep
this show rollin' because the energy is happening.

Yo, coming to the stage
from Atlanta, Georgia,

I know you're going
to enjoy him, so, give it up for Ken Cox.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

I'm from Dallas, Texas.

He said Atlanta
but I'm from Dallas. How you doin', New York?

I love traveling, man.

I love traveling because
I get to meet a lot of people.

Especially women, you know,
I'm a ladies' man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's right, and you know...

You know, being handsome...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And very sexy...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Guys always ask me,
"How do you make a woman run after you?"

I tell them,
"Snatch her purse."

That's what I do.

'Cause I'm a ladies' man.

That's right and
I'm not prejudiced.

You know, I like dating
ugly women, too, man.

'Cause pretty women make
love like ladies, right?

Right?

Right? They make love
like ladies, man.

They be going...
[MOANING]

[GASPS]

[MOANING]

"Killer..." [GASPING]

Man, but them ugly women say,
"Oh, yeah!

"Come on, hit it, Daddy.

"Act like I owe you
some money."

[MOANS]

I'm 36 years old.
Even today I cry loud.

Like the first time I found
out my wife had a boyfriend?

I cried louder than
anybody at the funeral.

Yeah.

I hear a lot of women say
men are dogs because we run the street a lot.

You ever hear that?

"Men are just dogs."

Well, I'm going to tell y'all,
there's some kitty cats running them streets, too.

You ever notice how a cat
will rub up against your leg when it wants something?

[MEOWS]

Women do that.

Like if they want a diamond
ring for their birthday?

[MEOWS]

That'll be one
diamond ring coming up.

You know, 'cause some women
say, "Girl, what did you have to do to get this?

"My husband would never
buy me anything like that."

She say, "Girl, yes he will.

"Your husband bought this."

And I don't know,
I guess by me being such a handsome guy,

I get a lot of...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I get a lot of women asking me
if black guys do oral sex.

I tell them that's where rap
music comes from.

Brother tried it one night.
He didn't like it.

He said... [BEATBOXING]

My name's Ken Cox. Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, give a round
of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That was deep.

Hey.[THUMPING]

Stop, boy.

Okie doke.

Okie doke.

Movin' on.

Movin' on.

Give it up for my man,
Buddy Lewis.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, man. Turn that corny-ass
shit off for me.

Motherfucker come out
with little corny-ass music.

What's up?

It's Ice Cube's cousin,
Rubik's Cube.

[CHUCKLING]

Man, my flight
out here was wild!

Have you ever
been on a plane

and been sitting next to
a crazy cuckoo motherfucker,

and you can't move
'cause the flight is full?

I was sitting next to this
brother, he on the plane, he just...

[CHEEPING]

I'm like, "God damn.
That's fucked up. This motherfucker's crazy!"

And you can't move, right,
'cause you scared of this motherfucker

'cause you know he gonna be
the first one to see some fucked-up shit with the plane.

He gonna talk about
[CHEEPING]

"Plane's goin' down!
Goin' down!"

"It's a fire, it's a fire."

But I thought about this shit.

You can use this crazy
cuckoo shit, though.

Like when you on the train

and you wanna keep a seat
on a crowded sub,

just use that shit.
[CHEEPING]

[SHRIEKING]

But you gotta watch that
shit in New York,

'cause you might
get a motherfucker crazier than your ass

trying to talk to you.
[SCREAMING]

No, no, no, man.
You go on ahead and have that seat.

My stop's coming up
like a motherfucker. Excuse me.

[CHUCKLING]

It's crazy, man.

And you see this
kind of crazy shit on TV.

It's true man, you see
crazy shit on TV.

Have you ever seen this?

Stupid-ass commercials
you see on TV.

Can somebody tell me why
that damn silly rabbit ain't never got no cereal?

I just wish one damn morning,
I could have been the silly rabbit.

'Cause all that damn rabbit
wanted was one bowl of cereal.

Not a box. Not a case.

One goddamn bowl.

I prayed I could be
the rabbit just one morning.

Little kids running around
talkin' about, "Hey, rabbit.

"You know the rules."

"No. Not this
goddamn morning."

[CACKLING]

Yeah, you thought the silly
rabbit was gonna be silly every motherfucking morning,

didn't you?

Put my cereal back
on the table!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Oh, yeah.

I'm the cereal killer
up in this motherfucker.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Shit.

All kinds of crazy shit
you see on TV.

Have you all seen this, man?

Now, for y'all that don't know
what that shit is,

this is a sport that
white folks invented.

'Cause you know, brother...
This is why they tie a rubber band in your ass.

And throw you off
the highest cliff, bridge, whatever they got.

Brothers was bungee
jumping in 1865.

Used to call that
shit "lynching".

We ain't doin' no goddamn
bungee jumping.

But you know, I'm the kind
of fool that would try some shit like that,

get some fucked-up
luck and get a brother,

like, who done
no measurements.

You'd be jumping off,
like, a 250 foot cliff.

Give you, like,
253 feet of bungee

be slamming your ass
on that concrete.

And you'd be
up at the top.

'Cause you know white
people will convince your ass to do it.

"Hey, boy! It's like flying!"

And you be up there
talking about,

"All right now, man.
You measured everything, right?

"Now, you said right when I
get to the edge, I'm gonna snap back, right?

"Right before I hit
the concrete, right?"

"Yeah, man. Go ahead."

[SIGHS]

"Geronimo like a
motherfucker."

[IMITATING WIND BLOWING]

"Hey, this is like flyin'."

[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]

[IMITATES THUD]

[IMITATING CRASHING]

[YELPS]

Motherfuckers come
scrapin' your ass off with a big-ass spatula.

I don't think so.

Hey y'all, but I did see
one thing that just fucked me up, y'all.

The other day I saw a movie
that just tripped out.

Y'all seen Glory
with Denzel Washington? Have you seen it?

Best movie
in the world, y'all. Best movie.

'Cause there was
a part in this scene

where Denzel Washington made
me proud to be a black man.

You know the part where he
got his ass kicked for going to get some shoes?

He took this ass-whoopin'
like a man, y'all.

They said, "Denzel,

"You ran off, got them shoes.

"You got to get
your ass beaten."

Denzel went, "Let's go."

Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow! Pow!

I would've done it
the same way if I was Denzel.

Same way if they'd have
asked me to do it.

"Buddy, you ran off
and got them shoes Gotta get that ass-whoopin'."

Shit.

Pow! [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

That manhood shit go out
the door when you getting your ass beat.

Peace, I'm out of here.

Give him a round of applause.

This is my man. I know
you're going to enjoy him.

He's one of your
own, he's from Harlem.

Give it up. Flex.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, God, this
motherfucker.

What's going on?

All right, it's okay.

When I was this tall
I had a bike, right?

What's up, blood? My man
Mohammed right here. What's going on?

All right, yo.
Give a hand for Martin Lawrence. Definitely.

And for the man
who put this together, Russell Simmons.

Gotta give him your hand.

He like the grandfather
of hip hop at this motherfucker.

Kid Capri, all right.

Live around the corner
from you. You don't even call a nigga, right?

FLEX: All right.

On the way here, man,

you ever think
about your relatives?

Like, past or present?

I had a grandfather who
would tell me stuff when I was younger, man.

And I didn't understand it,
but now that I get older, I understand it.

I'll be outside playing,
I'll be like,

[HUMMING, VOCALIZING]

"Boy, come here.

"Let me tell you a story."

"It's about a bird
and he's supposed to fly south for the winter.

"Now, he was fucking around
and his wings froze up.

"So, he fell through
a hole in the barn.

"And what do you got
in the barn? You got a cow.

"Now, that cow shit
on the bird.

"But the warmth from the cow
shit helped his wings defrost so he could fly again.

"So, he started chirpin'.

"What else you got
in the barn? You got a cat.

"Now, that cat came out
and licked the shit off and ate him up.

"Now, the moral
to the story is,

"everybody that shit
on you, ain't your enemy.

"And everybody that
takes shit off you, ain't your friend.

"Go on back and play."

There was this kid
on my block named Billy.

He had, like, all his...
He had bikes and stuff,

girls liked him because
of materialistic stuff.

And I came in the house
and I was like, "Grandpa,"

I said, "The girls like Billy
'cause he got pro Keds.

"He got a green machine.

"He got a big wheel.

"And he don't like me.
Ooh-ooh.

"He don't like me."

He said, "Boy, that
materialistic shit don't mean nothing.

"Let me tell you something.
A story about an ant and an elephant.

"And they was walking
down the street.

"And the elephant
fell in a hole and he said,

"Hey, you gonna get me out?"

The ant said, "Give me
15 minutes and I'll be back."

The ant came back
with a Corvette,

tied a rope around the fender,
threw it down there and pulled him up.

Walking down
the street some more. The ant fell in the hole.

He said, "Say,
you gonna get me out?"

Elephant backed up,
pulled out his dick,

threw it down there
and pulled him up.

"Now, the moral
to the story is,

"long as you got a big dick,
you don't need a Corvette.

"'Cause I've been riding
the chariot for years, God damn it!"

And it's funny...

Fellas, answer
this question for me,

when you're with a woman,
do you do the dip and sniff test?

The dip and sniff?

All right, this what you do.
If you don't know, I'll show you.

You're with your lady...

[EXAGGERATED KISSING]

'Cause you gotta
check it out to make sure it's ready, right?

So you... [VOCALIZES]
Then you hug her.

Then you kiss her
and you smell her, right?

But if you catch
that wrong one,

you'd be like...
[KISSING, SNIFFS]

Um, you change up.
You're like,

"Um, I don't that
this is right."

"You know, I'm rushing you."

And, uh, you know...

I just feel...

I just feel like... [SNIFFS]

This shit ain't right.

You need to wash your ass.

Serious, man.

It's like AIDS, man.

AIDS just be
fucking people up, man.

AIDS is killing you dead. Pow.

Brothers be in the clinic
rolling dice,

wishing they had anything
besides AIDS.

They be like this, "Come on,
gonorrhea, come on.

"Damn, AIDS."
'Cause AIDS is coming in a UPS truck.

Roll up to your house.

They be like...

[KNOCKING]

"We got a package
of AIDS for Flex."

I be like,

[IN CHINESE ACCENT]
"Flex don't live here, He live up the block."

And you got...

You got, like...

My man, my man...
I mean, the King of Pop,

Michael Jackson.

The buggest dude
in the world, right? Remember the time.

I remember when he had
a big-ass nose. I remember when he had an afro.

But check it out,

just check it out.

[BEATBOXING]

[GRUNTS]

[BEATBOXING CONTINUES]

[BEATBOXING IMITATING
MICHAEL JACKSON]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Yo, peace! Y'all be good!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up for Flex.

I'd like to bring my man out.

Come on up
and let's say goodnight.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank y'all for coming out.
Goodnight and God bless you.

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