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- It was very
difficult to come back
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00:00:26,753 --> 00:00:29,193
and start trying to fit in.
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00:00:31,956 --> 00:00:33,461
I just stopped talking about it.
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There was a big, big change
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and it was hard to start
relating to anyone.
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- How's it going Ms. Susan.
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I think I have $3
I can give to you.
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00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:02,589
You can get an all day bus pass.
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00:01:03,790 --> 00:01:04,790
All right, take care.
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00:01:07,728 --> 00:01:09,761
I thought about
suicide a few times.
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And one time I put a
round in a chamber.
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I was too scared to
pull the trigger,
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00:01:21,511 --> 00:01:23,676
so I just started drinking.
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- Come sit with me.
17
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:30,749
Sit.
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00:01:30,784 --> 00:01:32,454
I have nightmares.
19
00:01:32,489 --> 00:01:37,085
I take bupropion and sertraline
for the depression aspects
20
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,660
helping to control
anger spikes and rage,
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00:01:40,695 --> 00:01:43,168
hallucinations and delusions.
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00:01:44,369 --> 00:01:46,237
Okay, good boy.
23
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,601
Good boy.
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00:01:47,636 --> 00:01:49,636
'Cause that image,
taking a gun to my head,
25
00:01:52,641 --> 00:01:54,509
it just goes like a real.
26
00:01:56,678 --> 00:02:00,614
I asked God, please just
kill me in a natural way,
27
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so it wouldn't be an
F-you to the people
28
00:02:05,522 --> 00:02:07,390
like my parents, my sister
29
00:02:08,987 --> 00:02:11,427
and anybody that actually
has cared about me.
30
00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:14,859
- The origin of PTSD
came from Vietnam vets.
31
00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:17,829
- Totally.
- Making a little hungry though.
32
00:02:17,864 --> 00:02:19,633
- Well, that's the idea, right?
33
00:02:19,668 --> 00:02:20,975
And you're supposed to kind
of like start freaking out.
34
00:02:20,999 --> 00:02:22,306
Be like, I can't, not eating.
35
00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:24,374
What's gonna happen.
36
00:02:24,409 --> 00:02:25,849
And it's all mental
at that point.
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00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,378
- I really started wanting
38
00:02:28,413 --> 00:02:31,678
to just disconnect
from the world.
39
00:02:31,713 --> 00:02:35,715
My only way to escape it
was to try to drink it away
40
00:02:35,750 --> 00:02:37,046
or try to numb it.
41
00:02:37,081 --> 00:02:39,224
And that's when
you get to a point
42
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,853
where you start believing
that suicide is a way out.
43
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,329
- What color you got?
44
00:02:47,927 --> 00:02:48,927
- Orange.
45
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,802
- I want eight forks
for five people.
46
00:02:56,837 --> 00:02:57,837
- Yeah, yeah.
47
00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:02,005
- I struggle financially
and I struggled mentally
48
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,744
and I wanted it to end.
49
00:03:04,779 --> 00:03:08,220
I was hurting because my
first wife, she left me,
50
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:10,750
my oldest daughter had left.
51
00:03:10,785 --> 00:03:12,983
So it was like, there
was no reason for me
52
00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:17,757
to even suck up good
oxygen smell, go to sleep.
53
00:03:17,792 --> 00:03:19,088
I wanna sleep forever.
54
00:03:19,123 --> 00:03:20,958
I don't wanna wake up
from this bad dream.
55
00:03:41,145 --> 00:03:42,529
- From the moment my feet hit
the ground from Afghanistan,
56
00:03:42,553 --> 00:03:44,179
The only thing
that I wanted to do
57
00:03:44,214 --> 00:03:45,884
was to take a fucking vacation.
58
00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:49,756
And not the type of
vacation where the kids
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00:03:49,791 --> 00:03:51,593
are on the shoulders
with a Mickey Mouse
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00:03:51,628 --> 00:03:54,189
hats on their heads and we're
bobbing through Disneyland
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00:03:54,224 --> 00:03:56,400
or Disney World and not
the type of vacation
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00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:57,610
where there's a tour
bus in the background
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00:03:57,634 --> 00:03:59,403
in the fucking Grand Canyon,
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00:03:59,438 --> 00:04:01,570
but the type of vacation
where I could take my ass
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00:04:01,605 --> 00:04:04,034
out on the fucking
land and dig a hole
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00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,971
and scream into it
until I had put down
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00:04:07,006 --> 00:04:09,138
every fucking thing that
I needed to put down.
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00:04:14,178 --> 00:04:16,398
A brother of mine said, "Mark,
it sounds like the vacation
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00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:19,082
"that you're talking
about is a vision quest."
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00:04:21,119 --> 00:04:22,888
And at the time I was resistant.
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00:04:22,923 --> 00:04:25,825
I was like, "What the
fucking kind of hippie
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00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:28,828
"fru fru bullshit, drum
beating magic wu wu lala stuff
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00:04:28,863 --> 00:04:30,566
"is a vision quest?"
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00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:32,678
He was telling me, "Mark, there
is a way that you can scream
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00:04:32,702 --> 00:04:34,999
"into a hole and put the
down that you're carrying."
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00:04:40,776 --> 00:04:43,007
And he said, Indigenous
peoples around the globe
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00:04:44,516 --> 00:04:47,275
would welcome
their warriors home
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00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:49,321
with elders meeting them
outside the village.
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00:04:50,984 --> 00:04:52,863
And there was a certain
series of steps and sequence
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00:04:52,887 --> 00:04:55,789
that they would
follow, a war detox,
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00:04:55,824 --> 00:04:58,462
a spiritual cleansing
that involves spending
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00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:00,992
a time on the land
as a community
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00:05:01,027 --> 00:05:05,700
and then solo with these things
called self-generated ceremony.
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00:05:07,506 --> 00:05:10,474
Ways to mark those transitions,
ways to dig a hole
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00:05:10,509 --> 00:05:14,104
and put things down
in a spiritual way.
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00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:18,350
Ways to mark the ending,
like cracking of a snake skin
87
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,715
and the shedding of those
things that no longer serve.
88
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:26,281
If I had not put
my burdens down,
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00:05:26,316 --> 00:05:30,153
including the identity that
I had for military service
90
00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:36,192
and mark and claim
who I am today,
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00:05:39,197 --> 00:05:41,131
I wouldn't be sitting here,
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00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,902
I would have blown
my brains out.
93
00:05:48,712 --> 00:05:52,241
And I can't help but
believe that the 13
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00:05:52,276 --> 00:05:54,848
of my close personal friends
who have killed themselves
95
00:05:54,883 --> 00:05:57,686
post-service, they would
still be here today.
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00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,772
- Well, welcome.
97
00:07:23,807 --> 00:07:25,752
My mentor, Stephen Foster,
he and Meredith his wife
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00:07:25,776 --> 00:07:28,304
pretty much brought
this ceremony
99
00:07:28,339 --> 00:07:30,438
back towards the mainstream.
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00:07:30,473 --> 00:07:35,179
- They were working at
a suicide prevention center.
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00:07:35,214 --> 00:07:37,522
They just started
talking about why is it
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00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,590
that all these people
keep calling in
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00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,449
wanting to kill themselves?
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00:07:41,484 --> 00:07:45,123
What has gone wrong in our
culture that this is happening.
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00:07:45,158 --> 00:07:46,828
And they started
reading about it.
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00:07:46,863 --> 00:07:48,929
And they realized that
all peoples of all times
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00:07:48,964 --> 00:07:51,932
until very recently
have always had
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00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,604
these ancient ceremonies.
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00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,144
- You know that your
brothers and sisters
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00:07:55,168 --> 00:07:58,004
are killing themselves off
at an extraordinary rate.
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00:07:58,039 --> 00:08:01,007
And many of you, I know have
been on the edge yourself,
112
00:08:01,042 --> 00:08:02,976
some of you many times.
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00:08:03,011 --> 00:08:05,143
So I'm just blessed and
honored that you're here.
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00:08:06,509 --> 00:08:08,278
- Clearly something has stirred
115
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,455
in a way that has prompted
you to come out here,
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00:08:09,479 --> 00:08:10,731
whether it was
something that you read
117
00:08:10,755 --> 00:08:12,722
or something that you
heard from someone else,
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00:08:12,757 --> 00:08:14,185
a friend called
you on the phone.
119
00:08:14,220 --> 00:08:16,385
So I just wanna thank you
for answering the call
120
00:08:16,420 --> 00:08:18,959
'cause it didn't come from
us, it came from within.
121
00:08:18,994 --> 00:08:20,642
- Just a real quick overview
of what we're gonna be doing
122
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,490
for the next 12 days.
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00:08:22,525 --> 00:08:24,635
We're gonna sit
with each one of you
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00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,462
and talk about why you're here
and get to the bottom of it.
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00:08:27,497 --> 00:08:29,838
We'll do that for two days.
126
00:08:29,873 --> 00:08:31,510
And then the last day
before you go out,
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00:08:31,534 --> 00:08:34,876
you'll get your spots, and then
you have four days out there
128
00:08:34,911 --> 00:08:38,242
and four nights and come
back on the fifth day.
129
00:08:38,277 --> 00:08:40,981
We'll spend that day just
kind of recuperating.
130
00:08:41,016 --> 00:08:42,653
And then we'll have
a couple of days
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00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,150
for telling your stories
and having your stories
132
00:08:45,185 --> 00:08:47,218
listened to very deeply.
133
00:08:47,253 --> 00:08:50,925
My purpose is to help
create a safe container,
134
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,763
that's really my most conscious
purpose in doing this,
135
00:08:53,798 --> 00:08:55,424
is to create that space.
136
00:08:57,901 --> 00:08:59,736
First off, I'm not a veteran.
137
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:02,607
When we had our first
veteran fast last year,
138
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,906
it was phenomenal
learning for me
139
00:09:04,941 --> 00:09:05,841
'cause I'd already been
holding these ceremonies
140
00:09:05,876 --> 00:09:07,535
for quite a long time.
141
00:09:07,570 --> 00:09:11,242
The wounds, they
carry, this PTSD stuff
142
00:09:12,311 --> 00:09:16,445
from the service is huge.
143
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:21,384
And it's precisely I can't
be left alone with my mind.
144
00:09:21,419 --> 00:09:23,551
And that's precisely
what we're doing,
145
00:09:23,586 --> 00:09:26,290
we're throwing them out
there into this place
146
00:09:26,325 --> 00:09:27,940
where there's nothing
but their own mind.
147
00:09:27,964 --> 00:09:31,361
It becomes terrifying
very quickly,
148
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,033
but this land can take that
149
00:09:33,068 --> 00:09:35,530
and it can take
the childhood stuff,
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00:09:35,565 --> 00:09:37,301
it can take the time
of service stuff,
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00:09:37,336 --> 00:09:39,875
it can take it all.
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00:09:39,910 --> 00:09:42,339
They can actually
lay down the burden.
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00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:58,058
- There's three phases
to the ceremony,
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00:09:58,093 --> 00:10:01,556
severance to cut attachments
at home, to separate from wife,
155
00:10:01,591 --> 00:10:05,164
children, family, employment.
156
00:10:05,199 --> 00:10:07,144
To separate from the things
of the world back there,
157
00:10:07,168 --> 00:10:09,498
the telephones,
internet, distractions.
158
00:10:09,533 --> 00:10:13,271
Severing from pain related
to people who have harmed us,
159
00:10:13,306 --> 00:10:16,241
severing from different
things that we may have done
160
00:10:16,276 --> 00:10:18,573
to to harm other people,
severing from patterns
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00:10:18,608 --> 00:10:20,696
that I've created in my life
that I wanna put in the ground
162
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,280
and walk away from.
163
00:10:22,315 --> 00:10:25,019
It could be as simple as
severing from drinking soda.
164
00:10:25,054 --> 00:10:28,022
And it's complex is
severing from self-loathing.
165
00:10:28,057 --> 00:10:29,958
What are the things
that I wanna put down?
166
00:10:29,993 --> 00:10:32,290
That's what we're
out here to do.
167
00:10:32,325 --> 00:10:33,764
This is your initiation home.
168
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:37,361
Home here and home out there.
169
00:10:45,877 --> 00:10:47,217
- Last night, it was the first
time I ever spent the night
170
00:10:47,241 --> 00:10:49,505
in my tent alone.
171
00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:51,540
And that was pretty darn scary.
172
00:10:51,575 --> 00:10:54,818
You would think 61 year old
guys shouldn't be afraid
173
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:57,821
of being alone in the tent,
but it's either been me
174
00:10:57,856 --> 00:11:00,857
and my dog or me and my
girlfriend or me and my son.
175
00:11:00,892 --> 00:11:03,288
There's always been
somebody there.
176
00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:07,226
And last night I was alone
and then it dawned on me,
177
00:11:07,261 --> 00:11:09,965
well, I'm gonna be out
there alone for four days.
178
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,033
And then I was
thinking about the tarp
179
00:11:12,068 --> 00:11:14,035
and I was thinking
about with two openings.
180
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,677
And those openings are
ways for things to get in.
181
00:11:20,109 --> 00:11:22,043
And I share a little
secret with everybody.
182
00:11:30,449 --> 00:11:33,549
When I was 12, I was
raped by my uncle.
183
00:11:36,686 --> 00:11:40,864
And when I told everybody,
they thought I was lying
184
00:11:40,899 --> 00:11:42,998
'cause I was 12.
185
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:47,739
And even my own parents,
they took his side
186
00:11:51,107 --> 00:11:52,777
because he was
mentally challenged.
187
00:11:55,408 --> 00:11:59,883
And I remember going
to neighbor's houses
188
00:12:02,712 --> 00:12:07,154
and asking them to talk to me.
189
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:10,234
But I lived in a really
small town in West Virginia
190
00:12:10,258 --> 00:12:12,588
and everybody just
slammed the door on me
191
00:12:12,623 --> 00:12:14,557
and said, "You need to go home.
192
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:16,768
"This is something that
is a family thing."
193
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,165
Nobody would ever support me.
194
00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,775
I felt like everybody
bailed on me.
195
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,436
I been afraid to be
alone since then.
196
00:12:27,143 --> 00:12:28,252
I always feel like I have
to have somebody around
197
00:12:28,276 --> 00:12:31,211
so that I feel safe
because back then,
198
00:12:31,246 --> 00:12:33,752
I felt completely alone.
199
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:37,349
- Thank you, Chuck.
200
00:12:38,957 --> 00:12:41,892
That's the only way to heal
this stuff, is to get it out.
201
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,355
And thank you.
202
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,196
- I hit a point in my life
where it was either death,
203
00:12:50,529 --> 00:12:54,003
suicide or figuring
this shit out.
204
00:12:56,766 --> 00:12:58,766
- I was raised Mormon in Utah.
205
00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:01,010
Service to others
was preached a lot.
206
00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:02,506
I was always a boy scout.
207
00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:03,980
And then when 9/11 happened,
208
00:13:04,015 --> 00:13:07,247
I thought if I don't
do something about it,
209
00:13:07,282 --> 00:13:10,019
then why should I
expect anybody else to?
210
00:13:11,484 --> 00:13:13,099
I was a port security
men in the coast guard,
211
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:16,058
which meant he did a lot of
law enforcement type training.
212
00:13:18,656 --> 00:13:20,337
You come home and you
have this feeling of like,
213
00:13:20,361 --> 00:13:23,967
"Wow, this war is happening,
does anybody know?"
214
00:13:25,399 --> 00:13:28,664
I feel so disconnected
now from the society
215
00:13:28,699 --> 00:13:31,843
that I was trying to help.
216
00:13:33,242 --> 00:13:37,145
I found my way through
various different avenues
217
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:40,610
to start working at the
VA representing vets
218
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,854
trying to get benefits.
219
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,450
Our job was to
evaluate their claims
220
00:13:45,485 --> 00:13:49,553
and try to come up with a
dollar sum or percentage really
221
00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:54,129
of you are X amount of broken.
222
00:13:54,164 --> 00:13:56,692
They're saying like,
I sit at home at night
223
00:13:56,727 --> 00:14:00,531
and load my gun up thinking
I'm gonna shoot myself
224
00:14:00,566 --> 00:14:03,875
or the neighbors
and I'm struggling with PTSD.
225
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:07,076
I found myself being
very uncomfortable
226
00:14:07,111 --> 00:14:10,541
with trying to evaluate
other soldiers and sailors
227
00:14:10,576 --> 00:14:14,215
and trying to come up with
whether they were in the right
228
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,811
or the wrong and whether
we should pay them.
229
00:14:16,846 --> 00:14:18,989
In the two years
that I was there,
230
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:22,718
there was maybe 80 people
in our whole office.
231
00:14:22,753 --> 00:14:26,062
And four of my coworkers
took their own lives.
232
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:31,661
- About six years old,
I had kind of hit the trifecta
233
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:34,235
of physical abuse, sexual abuse
234
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:37,370
and then just years
of mental abuse.
235
00:14:37,405 --> 00:14:40,109
I had parents that
divorced when I was two
236
00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:43,607
and it was a violent,
protracted divorce.
237
00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:45,048
And I was the youngest.
238
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:47,163
"You remind me of your father,"
My mom used to say.
239
00:14:48,746 --> 00:14:50,906
And I would think, "Well,
you fucking hate my father."
240
00:14:52,255 --> 00:14:54,387
And then my dad would
say the same thing.
241
00:14:54,422 --> 00:14:56,631
Of course, he would add that
with a couple of fish punts
242
00:14:56,655 --> 00:14:59,194
to the face or the stomach.
243
00:14:59,229 --> 00:15:02,461
And I was always looked at
my three older brothers,
244
00:15:02,496 --> 00:15:06,894
like, "Why is this
happening to me,
245
00:15:06,929 --> 00:15:09,732
not you guys."
246
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,438
And then I started getting older
and started getting mad at them.
247
00:15:12,473 --> 00:15:14,704
Like, "Why didn't you step in?"
248
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:17,872
And I go home and I
just let it eat me
249
00:15:17,907 --> 00:15:21,777
and then I hit the
drink or I take pills.
250
00:15:21,812 --> 00:15:25,990
Went and lived in my car.
I left my job with no plan.
251
00:15:27,686 --> 00:15:31,721
I just lost it,
252
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:35,593
but I do not wanna go
back to that place.
253
00:15:35,628 --> 00:15:38,937
You don't understand
the dark demons that you have.
254
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:44,008
And when I started seeing them,
255
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:47,737
I've spent most
of my life running
256
00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:49,310
from connection with people.
257
00:15:54,152 --> 00:15:56,812
- I have a voice in my
head that is saying,
258
00:15:56,847 --> 00:15:58,616
"You're really not
good enough for this.
259
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,686
"You're not gonna
be able to do this,
260
00:16:02,721 --> 00:16:04,754
"you are not as good as them.
261
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,162
"You do not deserve this."
262
00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,530
I grew up in a college
town, Oxford, Ohio.
263
00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,631
We were surrounded by trees.
264
00:16:13,666 --> 00:16:15,600
There was a maple tree
that was right outside
265
00:16:15,635 --> 00:16:18,141
my bedroom window.
266
00:16:18,176 --> 00:16:21,144
And that was my best
friend growing up.
267
00:16:21,179 --> 00:16:24,180
I would cry in that tree
and pretend to be Indiana Jones.
268
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:26,281
I was such a tomboy.
269
00:16:26,316 --> 00:16:29,284
I always wanted to
be an investigator
270
00:16:29,319 --> 00:16:31,517
or a police officer.
271
00:16:31,552 --> 00:16:33,816
Coming out of my
undergraduate degree,
272
00:16:33,851 --> 00:16:37,556
I had come out of the closet
and dated my first female.
273
00:16:37,591 --> 00:16:41,395
And so when I went
into the military,
274
00:16:41,430 --> 00:16:43,694
I kind of went back
into the closet again.
275
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:46,334
I chose to join during
don't ask don't tell.
276
00:16:46,369 --> 00:16:49,304
And a part of me was like,
"It'll be fine."
277
00:16:49,339 --> 00:16:52,703
But immediately
it was very difficult.
278
00:16:52,738 --> 00:16:56,575
It was necessary for me
to take away the emotion.
279
00:16:56,610 --> 00:17:00,183
It was hard when
love is involved
280
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:03,714
and you're being broken down
to be built up as a machine.
281
00:17:03,749 --> 00:17:07,124
It's not safe, it's not safe.
282
00:17:10,393 --> 00:17:13,691
At least like five different
sexual assaults and rapes.
283
00:17:18,566 --> 00:17:21,765
I'm left with this loud fucking
voice in my head that says,
284
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,240
I'm a piece of shit,
I'm a piece of shit,
285
00:17:24,275 --> 00:17:25,703
I'm a piece of shit.
286
00:17:25,738 --> 00:17:28,937
I'm a piece of fucking shit
and screaming children.
287
00:17:31,282 --> 00:17:34,943
And I'm also one
of the screaming children
288
00:17:34,978 --> 00:17:36,450
every day.
289
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,587
It's like nightmares
in the daytime.
290
00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:50,431
- I'm here to see if this
shit would scare me enough
291
00:17:50,466 --> 00:17:52,235
to where I can stop being angry
292
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:57,031
'cause I'm angry all the time.
293
00:17:57,066 --> 00:17:58,912
When I was a teenager,
I was going into the store
294
00:17:58,936 --> 00:18:01,937
and three cop cars
pulled guns on me.
295
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:03,932
I felt that they wanted
to kill me for no reason.
296
00:18:06,009 --> 00:18:08,548
And a Black man
is at the bottom.
297
00:18:08,583 --> 00:18:13,553
That's the order of
the food chain in New Orleans.
298
00:18:13,588 --> 00:18:16,083
You could be doing something
to totally innocent,
299
00:18:16,118 --> 00:18:17,878
things can definitely
change in an instant.
300
00:18:19,759 --> 00:18:23,167
My grandfather was in jail,
my biological father
301
00:18:23,202 --> 00:18:24,597
was in jail.
302
00:18:24,632 --> 00:18:27,930
My first meal with him,
I was 40 years old.
303
00:18:27,965 --> 00:18:29,767
So it was just three years ago.
304
00:18:29,802 --> 00:18:32,902
If he was there, probably
wouldn't have been selling drugs
305
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,739
when I was 13 years old.
306
00:18:34,774 --> 00:18:38,908
And I don't think that's
something to be proud of.
307
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,514
How would that look to my son?
308
00:18:41,979 --> 00:18:44,815
How do I get my mind off
of anger building up?
309
00:18:49,459 --> 00:18:52,119
As a parent, you
don't let your child
310
00:18:52,154 --> 00:18:54,088
know that you're broke.
311
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,474
You don't let your
child know that,
312
00:18:55,498 --> 00:18:57,960
"We're fucking homeless now."
See what I'm saying?
313
00:18:57,995 --> 00:19:00,171
So you don't let
your child know,
314
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,701
"I wanted to kill myself."
315
00:19:02,736 --> 00:19:04,934
I need to become a man again.
316
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:07,541
- What is that?
What would that look like?
317
00:19:07,576 --> 00:19:10,511
- I've hurt a lot of
my family members, man.
318
00:19:10,546 --> 00:19:13,712
They distance themselves from
me, they barely called me.
319
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:14,944
- What are you angry about?
320
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:17,551
- That could be a
sign of being afraid.
321
00:19:17,586 --> 00:19:20,554
- Listen, what are we afraid of?
322
00:19:20,589 --> 00:19:23,293
- They say, Black people
don't do shit like this.
323
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:25,856
But we do, you know.
324
00:19:25,891 --> 00:19:27,308
Shit, I'm here and
I'm telling you,
325
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,057
I can not do this by myself.
326
00:19:29,092 --> 00:19:31,235
I would have been
packed up and left.
327
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:33,237
No shit, I been to
jail a few times
328
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:34,766
because of fucking anger.
329
00:19:36,374 --> 00:19:38,704
I want that shit to stop here,
I wanna burry that here.
330
00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:43,137
I'm not taking that shit
with me going back home.
331
00:19:43,172 --> 00:19:44,908
- You're gonna bury it here.
332
00:19:44,943 --> 00:19:46,646
- I'm gonna burry it here.
333
00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:47,681
I'm ready.
334
00:20:00,563 --> 00:20:02,959
- I'm here to have
a clear vision
335
00:20:04,127 --> 00:20:06,666
in order to fulfill my purpose.
336
00:20:06,701 --> 00:20:08,096
I'm a dishwasher right now.
337
00:20:09,803 --> 00:20:13,035
And sometimes, people say
you have a master's degree,
338
00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:14,575
but you wash dishes.
339
00:20:16,579 --> 00:20:19,679
- I actually grew up
in Kalamazoo, Michigan
340
00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:21,554
and went all the way to
the Bronx in New York
341
00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:23,287
and moved in with my fiance.
342
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:26,521
Couldn't find a job in New York.
343
00:20:26,556 --> 00:20:28,083
I went to the
unemployment office.
344
00:20:28,118 --> 00:20:30,789
"Good news is we
found a job for you,
345
00:20:30,824 --> 00:20:32,769
"but the bad news is, is
halfway across the country
346
00:20:32,793 --> 00:20:36,531
"in new Orleans, working with
FEMA for humanitarian efforts
347
00:20:36,566 --> 00:20:37,895
"helping rebuild."
348
00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:43,406
It was only supposed to
be a three month job.
349
00:20:43,441 --> 00:20:45,034
So I took it.
350
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:47,080
It was kind of lonely because
all it pretty much did
351
00:20:47,104 --> 00:20:48,708
was work.
352
00:20:48,743 --> 00:20:50,380
And after about two
and a half months
353
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,713
with some money saved
up to marry my fiance,
354
00:20:53,748 --> 00:20:57,112
I got a call, they told
me she had been deported.
355
00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:59,587
And it made me feel like
I wasn't never gonna
356
00:20:59,622 --> 00:21:03,690
actually be able to have one,
a wife or something at home.
357
00:21:05,991 --> 00:21:07,265
And I've been here ever since.
358
00:21:15,968 --> 00:21:17,979
A few times I had a girlfriend
that wasn't involved
359
00:21:18,003 --> 00:21:20,036
enough emotionally,
so they left me.
360
00:21:21,479 --> 00:21:22,999
That just made me
feel real isolated.
361
00:21:26,715 --> 00:21:28,616
I was kind of like a
person without feelings,
362
00:21:30,653 --> 00:21:31,619
a person without emotion.
363
00:21:31,654 --> 00:21:33,687
I had to shut them off.
364
00:21:33,722 --> 00:21:35,018
My sister ended up dying.
365
00:21:36,494 --> 00:21:39,022
She had cancer, but
no one knew about it.
366
00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:41,695
She finally got so sick
one day, she called 911.
367
00:21:43,864 --> 00:21:45,930
So the ambulance came
and picked her up.
368
00:21:45,965 --> 00:21:48,262
They took her to the hospital.
369
00:21:48,297 --> 00:21:49,538
Three weeks later she was gone.
370
00:21:49,573 --> 00:21:51,166
So it's pretty much
just me and mom.
371
00:21:51,201 --> 00:21:55,742
She was such an angel
that when she died,
372
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:03,981
it was like I didn't cry because
she was actually supposed
373
00:22:04,016 --> 00:22:06,852
to be the one to
accomplish somethings.
374
00:22:08,592 --> 00:22:10,724
I was bad, I was extremely
bad during that time.
375
00:22:12,321 --> 00:22:13,661
I died when she was 10.
376
00:22:13,696 --> 00:22:15,333
So that was kind of sad.
377
00:22:17,227 --> 00:22:18,677
- I was sitting here
and I was wondering,
378
00:22:18,701 --> 00:22:21,130
what would it look
like if you were happy?
379
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,836
What would your face look
like if you were happy?
380
00:22:25,444 --> 00:22:26,938
What do you think?
381
00:22:28,106 --> 00:22:29,710
Yeah.
382
00:22:29,745 --> 00:22:31,107
It's been a long time, yeah.
383
00:22:32,781 --> 00:22:35,078
My prayer is that I'll see
you coming down that mountain
384
00:22:35,113 --> 00:22:36,552
with a big smile on your face.
385
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:43,493
That that vision
doesn't have to be work,
386
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,891
it doesn't have to be suffering,
387
00:22:45,926 --> 00:22:47,255
it doesn't have to be pain.
388
00:22:49,193 --> 00:22:52,128
But that vision
also includes joy.
389
00:22:55,738 --> 00:22:57,298
You know where that
joy lives in you.
390
00:22:58,774 --> 00:23:00,642
Lost it, yeah, yeah.
391
00:23:07,948 --> 00:23:12,049
- I no longer gave a
damn about anything.
392
00:23:12,084 --> 00:23:13,084
Yeah, I have...
393
00:23:14,284 --> 00:23:16,592
Oh my God, I can't
tell you how many times
394
00:23:16,627 --> 00:23:19,595
I've tried to commit suicide
and have been pissed off
395
00:23:19,630 --> 00:23:23,390
when it didn't work.
396
00:23:23,425 --> 00:23:25,271
I mean, now I look back and
I just see it as a blessing,
397
00:23:25,295 --> 00:23:29,066
but it really took a lot.
398
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:32,542
It's been ugly.
399
00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:35,402
Lots of hard
conversations with myself,
400
00:23:35,437 --> 00:23:38,581
things that I've done and
things that I'm not proud of.
401
00:23:38,616 --> 00:23:42,618
I need to be at peace with
everything that has happened
402
00:23:42,653 --> 00:23:47,491
and I need to just kind of
get back in check with myself
403
00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:51,319
and just remind myself that
I am worthy and I am good
404
00:23:51,354 --> 00:23:55,125
and I do deserve good
and let go of all the stuff
405
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,765
that I've been carrying.
406
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:03,265
And just kind of be able
to accept that I'm enough.
407
00:24:09,515 --> 00:24:12,912
- I gotta breathe
before it came out.
408
00:24:12,947 --> 00:24:16,047
I was really close
to killing myself
409
00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:24,792
and I don't know why.
410
00:24:24,827 --> 00:24:26,707
The only thing that kept
me from doing it was,
411
00:24:28,864 --> 00:24:31,535
I talked to my
therapist and he said,
412
00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:33,163
"Well, you know what
happened to you,
413
00:24:34,463 --> 00:24:35,968
"you know statistics.
414
00:24:36,003 --> 00:24:39,367
"Kill yourself, your children
increases by tenfold."
415
00:24:42,042 --> 00:24:45,516
So I stayed here and I was like.
416
00:24:50,050 --> 00:24:51,050
So I've said it out loud.
417
00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:56,021
And I haven't talked
to my wife about it yet
418
00:24:56,056 --> 00:24:58,661
'cause I feel like she's
taken on too much for me.
419
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:03,127
- There comes a point
where we've gotta stand up
420
00:25:03,162 --> 00:25:04,359
or kill ourselves.
421
00:25:04,394 --> 00:25:06,196
I don't want you
fucking dead, man.
422
00:25:06,231 --> 00:25:09,166
You got that,
don't fucking do that.
423
00:25:11,874 --> 00:25:13,335
You're too important.
424
00:25:13,370 --> 00:25:14,710
Don't fuck with it.
425
00:25:16,945 --> 00:25:17,945
Yeah.
426
00:25:32,455 --> 00:25:34,994
- You go into your solo time.
There'll be some taboos.
427
00:25:35,029 --> 00:25:38,734
No food, no company
428
00:25:38,769 --> 00:25:40,901
and minimal shelter.
429
00:25:40,936 --> 00:25:43,332
- You will find someone
within this group.
430
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,269
Your partner,
teammate, rock buddy.
431
00:25:47,976 --> 00:25:50,240
- My rock buddy and I made
a circle out of little rocks
432
00:25:50,275 --> 00:25:52,616
on the ground that
was our communication.
433
00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:55,212
Every morning,
Josh would put a rock inside
434
00:25:55,247 --> 00:25:58,380
and every afternoon I would come
435
00:25:58,415 --> 00:26:00,426
and I would check to make
sure that Josh put his rock.
436
00:26:00,450 --> 00:26:01,856
Yes, he did.
437
00:26:01,891 --> 00:26:03,792
He was alive this
morning, okay, good.
438
00:26:03,827 --> 00:26:05,959
And then I would put my rock in.
439
00:26:05,994 --> 00:26:07,400
By the end of the time there
would be for Josh rocks
440
00:26:07,424 --> 00:26:08,863
and four Chris rocks.
441
00:26:08,898 --> 00:26:11,360
And if at any point
I'd gone to the circle
442
00:26:11,395 --> 00:26:14,968
and he hadn't put his rock,
I would go check on him.
443
00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:17,872
You're gonna shoot for drinking
a gallon of water a day.
444
00:26:17,907 --> 00:26:20,138
If you're hungry, drink water
445
00:26:20,173 --> 00:26:22,338
and if you're not
hungry, drink water.
446
00:26:23,979 --> 00:26:26,309
If you're feeling dizzy and
nauseous and overheated,
447
00:26:26,344 --> 00:26:28,542
it's time to get in the shade.
448
00:26:28,577 --> 00:26:29,895
It's time to get
that bandana wet
449
00:26:29,919 --> 00:26:31,226
and put it around your
neck and try to drop
450
00:26:31,250 --> 00:26:33,052
your body temperature down.
451
00:26:33,087 --> 00:26:35,659
- It comes on pretty slowly,
452
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,387
but then it can
be really serious.
453
00:26:38,422 --> 00:26:39,905
You'll start sweating
and eventually you'll get
454
00:26:39,929 --> 00:26:42,127
to the place where you
actually stopped sweating
455
00:26:42,162 --> 00:26:43,326
and then get dry.
456
00:26:43,361 --> 00:26:44,767
That's a very serious point
457
00:26:44,802 --> 00:26:47,330
- In the unlikely off
chance that you are in fact,
458
00:26:47,365 --> 00:26:49,167
bitten by a rattlesnake,
459
00:26:49,202 --> 00:26:53,677
thank it for sharing
its magic with you
460
00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:55,910
'cause that will be
a rite of passage
461
00:26:55,945 --> 00:26:58,649
in and of itself
462
00:26:58,684 --> 00:27:02,510
and make your way back to camp
463
00:27:02,545 --> 00:27:07,185
or simply sit in place and
blow your whistle three times.
464
00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:09,154
- If you have suicidal
thoughts out there,
465
00:27:10,861 --> 00:27:13,862
if you start thinking about
checking out of this life
466
00:27:13,897 --> 00:27:18,460
while you're out there,
that is a medical emergency
467
00:27:18,495 --> 00:27:20,836
just like if you fell off
a cliff and broke your leg.
468
00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:22,838
And I know we're
all gonna be facing
469
00:27:22,873 --> 00:27:26,842
some really difficult things
and some demons might come up
470
00:27:26,877 --> 00:27:28,712
and try to tell us to do things,
471
00:27:30,848 --> 00:27:32,177
that would be a safety issue.
472
00:27:33,543 --> 00:27:35,785
- And so this
four days out there
473
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:38,117
is a journey of self exploration
and a journey of spirit.
474
00:27:38,152 --> 00:27:39,613
It is a journey of oneself
475
00:27:39,648 --> 00:27:42,022
and we will encounter
the demons.
476
00:28:47,089 --> 00:28:48,583
- What is your greatest fear
477
00:28:48,618 --> 00:28:50,222
and what would
bring you back in?
478
00:28:50,257 --> 00:28:52,323
- My greatest fear
is to be alone.
479
00:28:55,262 --> 00:28:58,934
- My greatest fear
is the unknown.
480
00:28:58,969 --> 00:29:01,871
- I'm very scared of success.
481
00:29:01,906 --> 00:29:05,237
- My biggest fear would
be that I'd be too afraid
482
00:29:05,272 --> 00:29:08,438
to step into the person
that I'm going to be.
483
00:29:08,473 --> 00:29:12,046
- Greatest fear will
be out of everything,
484
00:29:12,081 --> 00:29:14,081
not being able to come back down
485
00:29:14,116 --> 00:29:16,820
accomplishing what I need
to accomplish up there.
486
00:29:16,855 --> 00:29:18,415
- Stuff that would
bring me back down.
487
00:29:19,825 --> 00:29:23,420
If all the horns start
honking in the camp,
488
00:29:23,455 --> 00:29:25,928
I would be
hauling ass down here.
489
00:29:25,963 --> 00:29:28,590
- The only thing that
would bring me back
490
00:29:28,625 --> 00:29:32,264
is if there was whistles
blowing, medical emergency.
491
00:29:32,299 --> 00:29:34,398
- Nothing's gonna
make me come back
492
00:29:34,433 --> 00:29:37,005
unless it's a major catastrophe.
493
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:39,733
I'm staying until I
have to come back.
494
00:29:39,768 --> 00:29:42,175
- As far as bringing you
back in, I don't know.
495
00:29:43,882 --> 00:29:45,310
The demons are
pretty fucking big.
496
00:29:46,775 --> 00:29:49,149
- What would bring me
back down is the demons.
497
00:29:51,351 --> 00:29:54,187
I'm hoping that they are
friendly than they have been.
498
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,894
- What would bring me
down here is the unknown.
499
00:30:01,031 --> 00:30:04,263
- What would bring me back
down would be medical issue.
500
00:30:04,298 --> 00:30:07,497
- The only thing that
could bring me back down
501
00:30:07,532 --> 00:30:10,566
is if you guys come
up here and get me.
502
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,010
- It's gonna be
pretty darn serious
503
00:30:15,045 --> 00:30:17,441
for me to come back down, it's
gonna be life-threatening.
504
00:30:17,476 --> 00:30:20,983
Other than that, I'm
not gonna see you guys
505
00:30:21,018 --> 00:30:22,018
until that fifth morning.
506
00:30:24,417 --> 00:30:28,716
- It's time for some last
hugs and saying goodbye.
507
00:30:28,751 --> 00:30:31,257
And once we're done
with that, off you go.
508
00:30:38,695 --> 00:30:40,211
- And when you feel
ready, one at a time,
509
00:30:40,235 --> 00:30:43,467
step into the circle so that
Chris and I can send you off.
510
00:30:43,502 --> 00:30:44,974
Yeah, come on.
511
00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:47,042
Once you're smudged out,
collect your things
512
00:30:47,077 --> 00:30:48,109
and make your way up.
513
00:32:44,359 --> 00:32:48,262
- Rites of passage, there's
one of those fundamental things
514
00:32:48,297 --> 00:32:50,297
is missing in our culture now.
515
00:32:50,332 --> 00:32:53,894
We've lost that ability to
mark important events in life.
516
00:32:55,799 --> 00:32:58,217
And along with that, we've lost
a lot of the meaning in life.
517
00:32:58,241 --> 00:33:00,340
We've lost ritual and ceremony.
518
00:33:04,049 --> 00:33:08,216
- Threshold, the threshold
where we separate
519
00:33:08,251 --> 00:33:10,977
the wheat from the
chaff is painful
520
00:33:11,012 --> 00:33:14,453
and it's meant to be so
in some ways.
521
00:33:14,488 --> 00:33:18,226
An opportunity without those
distractions and without food
522
00:33:18,261 --> 00:33:22,296
to become closer to
ourselves, to turn inward.
523
00:33:22,331 --> 00:33:24,661
- The time of going
into the darkness,
524
00:33:24,696 --> 00:33:28,137
going into the deepest
part of our psyche.
525
00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:30,370
You're moving from
this material world
526
00:33:30,405 --> 00:33:32,405
into that more liminal
or spiritual world
527
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,968
where a tree can
talk back to you,
528
00:33:35,003 --> 00:33:37,707
a rock and say stuff to
you and you can listen.
529
00:33:39,678 --> 00:33:42,580
It is the time of the beginning
of the great shifting.
530
00:33:46,916 --> 00:33:50,786
- My plan and goal
on this four day fast
531
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:54,691
is to
532
00:33:59,368 --> 00:34:01,027
emotionally and spiritually
533
00:34:01,062 --> 00:34:05,240
die and be reborn.
534
00:34:06,804 --> 00:34:09,706
- Let me bring you
over to my cave.
535
00:34:11,809 --> 00:34:13,083
I have four gallons of water.
536
00:34:16,319 --> 00:34:20,288
I'm using my
backpack as a pillow,
537
00:34:20,323 --> 00:34:23,984
got my old TG hat on the go.
538
00:34:25,493 --> 00:34:28,725
Also whenever I need
to address real quick,
539
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,364
I got a set of clothes.
540
00:34:30,399 --> 00:34:32,630
Hopefully they stay dry.
541
00:34:32,665 --> 00:34:36,568
That's my home for
the next four days.
542
00:34:36,603 --> 00:34:40,803
It's not the prettiest, but
it keeps me out of the sun.
543
00:34:40,838 --> 00:34:45,610
- Finally got a tarp up
and took a nice nap.
544
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:49,252
And it's hot.
545
00:35:20,779 --> 00:35:22,515
- I'll pretty much
be set up here.
546
00:35:26,653 --> 00:35:30,160
Parent call upon those
ancestors in the land
547
00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:35,330
and mother nature for
guidance and safety.
548
00:35:39,061 --> 00:35:43,866
The rocks, the hill,
the low ground,
549
00:35:47,069 --> 00:35:51,973
the green pasture is
definitely a blessing.
550
00:35:52,008 --> 00:35:54,547
- This is peaceful as heck.
551
00:35:54,582 --> 00:35:56,516
Can't say fun,
but it's very peaceful.
552
00:35:58,223 --> 00:35:59,849
You take a look around.
553
00:36:02,227 --> 00:36:05,228
As you can see, we're in the
middle of fucking nowhere.
554
00:36:06,759 --> 00:36:08,671
- But I just keep walking
because sitting around
555
00:36:08,695 --> 00:36:12,169
thinking about food is worse.
556
00:36:14,536 --> 00:36:18,538
- The biblical
557
00:36:18,573 --> 00:36:23,345
and middle Eastern
558
00:36:24,447 --> 00:36:26,172
prophets.
559
00:36:26,207 --> 00:36:28,581
Most of them had
the journey through the desert.
560
00:36:29,881 --> 00:36:32,387
Jesus fasted 40 days, 40 nights.
561
00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:38,855
The Buddha, he fasted,
562
00:36:38,890 --> 00:36:41,891
Prophet Mohammed,
so many others.
563
00:36:41,926 --> 00:36:43,992
Different religions,
different spiritual,
564
00:36:44,027 --> 00:36:46,060
cultural traditions.
565
00:37:05,081 --> 00:37:09,017
- I spent eight
years in the Navy,
566
00:37:09,052 --> 00:37:11,921
experienced a whole lot
of different things,
567
00:37:11,956 --> 00:37:15,397
that shipwrecks, watching
people get crushed
568
00:37:15,432 --> 00:37:18,961
and being part of
moving body parts,
569
00:37:18,996 --> 00:37:23,273
pulling the flesh arm out
of a socket of a torso,
570
00:37:23,308 --> 00:37:27,541
seeing people chopped in
half and guts falling out.
571
00:37:27,576 --> 00:37:29,807
But you don't go down to medical
572
00:37:29,842 --> 00:37:32,744
and say that you
haven't dreams of shit.
573
00:37:32,779 --> 00:37:34,042
You know what I'm saying?
574
00:37:34,077 --> 00:37:37,210
If you go down, you're
a punk, you're weak.
575
00:37:37,245 --> 00:37:38,816
This is what they'd tell you.
576
00:37:38,851 --> 00:37:42,655
Forget what you just did,
there's nothing wrong with you.
577
00:37:44,021 --> 00:37:45,541
You a pussy if you
go to the medical.
578
00:37:46,529 --> 00:37:48,056
I just saw this little girl
579
00:37:48,091 --> 00:37:50,267
that appears to
be five years old.
580
00:37:51,699 --> 00:37:53,512
I see the expression on
this little kid's face
581
00:37:53,536 --> 00:37:56,768
because rigor mortis set
in and they were in pain
582
00:37:56,803 --> 00:37:58,572
when they died.
583
00:37:58,607 --> 00:37:59,639
How am I weak?
584
00:38:00,873 --> 00:38:03,478
This guy, his face, his head.
585
00:38:05,174 --> 00:38:09,451
I gotta pick up somebody's
head that the last expression
586
00:38:09,486 --> 00:38:11,783
on their face,
I'm looking at it.
587
00:38:11,818 --> 00:38:13,521
So how the hell are
you gonna tell me
588
00:38:13,556 --> 00:38:14,852
that that's not real?
589
00:38:14,887 --> 00:38:16,854
That forget about
it in three days.
590
00:38:18,858 --> 00:38:22,662
Civilians say, "Oh,
you signed up for that."
591
00:38:22,697 --> 00:38:25,335
You got dick heads
that say that.
592
00:38:25,370 --> 00:38:30,197
"That's what you signed up
for, then you deal with it.
593
00:38:30,232 --> 00:38:32,639
"You don't need to get
a check every month for that."
594
00:38:36,172 --> 00:38:39,514
- When you become
baptized in fire
595
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:44,310
from being on suicide
missions in Iraq,
596
00:38:44,345 --> 00:38:47,280
sometimes you can have
a look in your eye
597
00:38:47,315 --> 00:38:50,624
that only the people who were
actually on the ground with you
598
00:38:50,659 --> 00:38:53,726
and that survive can understand.
599
00:38:55,598 --> 00:39:00,029
We had been training day
and night to cut off emotions,
600
00:39:00,064 --> 00:39:03,571
cut off feeling pain
in order to survive.
601
00:39:05,003 --> 00:39:07,410
When those memories come,
people look at me
602
00:39:07,445 --> 00:39:09,577
like what's going on.
603
00:39:11,878 --> 00:39:15,209
Non veterans can normalize
the veteran experience
604
00:39:15,244 --> 00:39:17,915
by hearing veterans
talk about their experiences.
605
00:39:19,347 --> 00:39:22,425
And so then non veterans
don't give you the look
606
00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:23,855
out the side of their eyes
607
00:39:28,191 --> 00:39:30,664
when you may have
a moment of anxiety,
608
00:39:30,699 --> 00:39:33,293
when you have those
combat memories.
609
00:39:43,712 --> 00:39:47,142
- All right, everybody
is day one, night one.
610
00:39:53,084 --> 00:39:54,248
It's pretty dark.
611
00:39:56,758 --> 00:39:59,429
I'm not afraid of
nothing too much.
612
00:40:04,799 --> 00:40:06,392
I got my Boonie knife
613
00:40:06,427 --> 00:40:08,438
on guard
614
00:40:10,937 --> 00:40:14,543
in case somebody try
to come and get my ass.
615
00:40:14,578 --> 00:40:16,776
I guess the coyotes are here.
616
00:40:18,109 --> 00:40:19,878
That shit don't
bother me at all.
617
00:40:19,913 --> 00:40:21,946
So that's it for tonight.
618
00:40:26,282 --> 00:40:27,282
Catch y'all later.
619
00:40:47,171 --> 00:40:49,303
Good morning y'all.
620
00:40:49,338 --> 00:40:53,175
Has beautiful morning to
make it over overnight.
621
00:40:55,520 --> 00:41:00,215
Last night, it was
somewhat little scary
622
00:41:01,856 --> 00:41:06,254
and also somewhat fearful
623
00:41:06,289 --> 00:41:10,159
and fearless all
at the same time.
624
00:41:12,196 --> 00:41:15,670
Those materialistic
things in the world,
625
00:41:15,705 --> 00:41:17,232
it don't even matter here.
626
00:41:19,005 --> 00:41:23,205
That you appreciate
who you love,
627
00:41:23,240 --> 00:41:26,010
who you cherish
628
00:41:26,045 --> 00:41:27,045
and what's important.
629
00:41:31,556 --> 00:41:34,854
- The first explosion was a
1500 pound vehicle born IED.
630
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,892
I froze, I couldn't
call up on the radio
631
00:41:39,927 --> 00:41:42,862
that my buddy had died.
632
00:41:42,897 --> 00:41:46,701
And I had to pull security
633
00:41:46,736 --> 00:41:51,134
and do my job when he's dying.
634
00:41:51,169 --> 00:41:53,070
There's nothing
I can do for him.
635
00:41:53,105 --> 00:41:55,644
And then on the other side,
there were women
636
00:41:55,679 --> 00:41:57,580
that were sweeping
their driveways that day
637
00:41:57,615 --> 00:42:00,077
and the children were
walking home from school
638
00:42:00,112 --> 00:42:01,584
and they're lying dead.
639
00:42:03,511 --> 00:42:06,182
And they're screaming
and crowds are coming.
640
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,186
From that day on,
my heart was broken
641
00:42:12,861 --> 00:42:17,765
and it was about
just doing my job
642
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,901
to the best that I could.
643
00:42:21,936 --> 00:42:24,607
Pretty shortly after I
was diagnosed with PTSD.
644
00:42:27,909 --> 00:42:30,778
I still hear those kids
screaming that day.
645
00:43:21,765 --> 00:43:26,394
- Being out here in nature
646
00:43:26,429 --> 00:43:28,528
definitely has taken a
different effect on me,
647
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:35,502
medically reducing my
post-traumatic stress.
648
00:43:36,813 --> 00:43:41,607
I haven't had any anxiety,
649
00:43:41,642 --> 00:43:43,477
any depression.
650
00:43:43,512 --> 00:43:45,479
I must admit though,
it is a bit lonely.
651
00:43:56,459 --> 00:43:58,107
- We spent a couple of
hours talking to him
652
00:43:58,131 --> 00:44:00,769
and really getting down
deep into what's the fear,
653
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:02,364
what is it.
654
00:44:03,708 --> 00:44:05,180
Sitting at the edge
of the cliff there,
655
00:44:05,204 --> 00:44:08,469
about to throw himself off,
did the best we could
656
00:44:08,504 --> 00:44:12,143
to let him know that this
is the place he needs to be.
657
00:44:12,178 --> 00:44:13,375
And if he leaves early,
658
00:44:13,410 --> 00:44:15,179
he's not getting what
he needs to get.
659
00:44:15,214 --> 00:44:18,116
At one point it was,
"So you guys are gonna try.
660
00:44:18,151 --> 00:44:19,623
"You're gonna sit here
and tell you think
661
00:44:19,647 --> 00:44:21,328
"you're gonna convince
me, well you're not."
662
00:44:21,352 --> 00:44:22,857
And I said,
"Yeah, I get it, man.
663
00:44:22,892 --> 00:44:24,254
"I've been there."
664
00:44:26,060 --> 00:44:28,489
And so we worked as hard
as we could a long time
665
00:44:28,524 --> 00:44:32,064
and there was never
an inch of an opening.
666
00:44:32,099 --> 00:44:34,495
Told him we'll hold
him here in base camp.
667
00:44:34,530 --> 00:44:38,972
And if he gets halfway
home and realizes
668
00:44:39,007 --> 00:44:40,743
that he hadn't
done his work yet,
669
00:44:42,340 --> 00:44:43,977
always welcome to come back
670
00:44:44,012 --> 00:44:45,913
and finish off the ceremony
671
00:44:45,948 --> 00:44:47,882
in any way that
feels appropriate
672
00:44:47,917 --> 00:44:49,818
and just wishing him
the very, very best.
673
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:51,677
That's all we could do.
674
00:44:51,712 --> 00:44:54,482
20 years I've been
around this ceremony
675
00:44:54,517 --> 00:44:58,123
and 18 years of actively
leading these things.
676
00:45:00,226 --> 00:45:01,335
I've never had anybody
actually leave.
677
00:45:01,359 --> 00:45:02,359
And boy, it hit me.
678
00:45:02,393 --> 00:45:04,129
It still hits me
679
00:45:12,942 --> 00:45:14,601
- How are y'all doing?
680
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,538
Still day two.
681
00:45:20,114 --> 00:45:22,818
The sun is hot as hell.
682
00:45:25,251 --> 00:45:27,581
It's burning out hot.
683
00:45:31,389 --> 00:45:33,719
- I wanna get in
that water so bad.
684
00:45:33,754 --> 00:45:38,691
Sitting at my little shelter
685
00:45:38,726 --> 00:45:40,968
gets pretty boring.
686
00:45:41,003 --> 00:45:43,234
And then my mind gets
all on how I want food
687
00:45:43,269 --> 00:45:46,105
and wonder what am I
doing here and all that.
688
00:46:05,830 --> 00:46:08,127
I'm going over a lot of things.
689
00:46:09,460 --> 00:46:14,397
It's nice to be alone,
690
00:46:14,432 --> 00:46:19,435
but not isolated.
691
00:46:19,470 --> 00:46:21,976
When I'm in the city, I can hide
692
00:46:24,772 --> 00:46:29,445
with thousands of people
around and uncomfortable
693
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:32,184
and scared and don't
wanna be there.
694
00:46:32,219 --> 00:46:36,155
Out here, I'm alone
695
00:46:36,190 --> 00:46:37,552
and I'm happy.
696
00:46:41,998 --> 00:46:44,328
I think work taught
me that people,
697
00:46:44,363 --> 00:46:48,871
humans can be
scary, really scary.
698
00:46:55,803 --> 00:46:58,012
I can defend from this
699
00:46:58,047 --> 00:47:00,509
if anything was
gonna come this way.
700
00:47:04,218 --> 00:47:06,955
I set this booby trap stick up.
701
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:09,056
If they knock it down, I hear.
702
00:47:12,028 --> 00:47:13,962
And ain't the best,
but I'm damn sure
703
00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,931
something better than nothing.
704
00:47:17,429 --> 00:47:19,759
Nature's definitely talking.
705
00:47:24,535 --> 00:47:26,568
Those rocks and those
trees over there,
706
00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:30,176
they knew I was there.
707
00:47:30,211 --> 00:47:31,491
I started hearing a funny noise.
708
00:47:35,348 --> 00:47:37,051
I feel something around me.
709
00:47:37,086 --> 00:47:39,713
I always got this
thought or something
710
00:47:39,748 --> 00:47:41,583
looking at me watching me.
711
00:47:43,257 --> 00:47:47,721
I can't see it but I can
sure make them hear me.
712
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:07,950
- I've decided to
dedicate day three fasting
713
00:48:07,985 --> 00:48:12,020
to find true purpose
for me returning
714
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:14,451
back to United States
715
00:48:14,486 --> 00:48:18,455
from Iraq, Afghanistan, and
being placed back into society.
716
00:48:20,162 --> 00:48:23,295
I must admit after 12 years,
717
00:48:23,330 --> 00:48:25,462
it's been very confusing
718
00:48:25,497 --> 00:48:28,729
as to how I was supposed to
719
00:48:28,764 --> 00:48:31,204
go back to the community
720
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:32,601
to return home.
721
00:48:52,854 --> 00:48:55,822
- It was definitely
clear this morning.
722
00:48:55,857 --> 00:48:58,660
I was honestly done on day two.
723
00:48:58,695 --> 00:49:02,004
- This ceremony
is 40,000 years old.
724
00:49:02,039 --> 00:49:06,503
Four days, gives time for
this stuff to sink deeply
725
00:49:06,538 --> 00:49:09,737
through our heads
and our brains and our hearts
726
00:49:09,772 --> 00:49:13,609
and our groins all the
way down into the earth.
727
00:49:13,644 --> 00:49:18,647
- I do respect the tradition,
728
00:49:18,682 --> 00:49:22,123
but something inside
just feels it's ready.
729
00:49:22,158 --> 00:49:26,193
- What about the peace of coming
in with the rest of that tribe?
730
00:49:26,228 --> 00:49:28,268
- I don't know, it's not
about them, it's about me.
731
00:49:31,068 --> 00:49:34,960
And as much as I would love
to come back in with them,
732
00:49:34,995 --> 00:49:38,469
I feel like it is my ceremony.
733
00:49:38,504 --> 00:49:41,934
- To me, it's becoming
the collective theme,
734
00:49:41,969 --> 00:49:45,179
is the self love
735
00:49:45,214 --> 00:49:47,049
and taking care of yourself.
736
00:49:47,084 --> 00:49:49,513
And I really wanna honor
that that's where you are
737
00:49:49,548 --> 00:49:51,944
or you've sucked it up enough.
738
00:49:51,979 --> 00:49:54,056
You have sucked it up
enough and I trust and honor
739
00:49:54,091 --> 00:49:56,355
who you are and who
you're becoming.
740
00:49:56,390 --> 00:49:59,523
- I am a strong leader
who is loving,
741
00:49:59,558 --> 00:50:00,689
passionate,
742
00:50:00,724 --> 00:50:02,130
who cares greatly
743
00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:04,033
for those around them,
744
00:50:04,068 --> 00:50:06,002
especially his adult self.
745
00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:14,549
- He's got traumatic
brain injuries.
746
00:50:14,573 --> 00:50:18,047
The chances of seizure
with traumatic brain injury
747
00:50:18,082 --> 00:50:21,149
are increased dramatically
when you don't sleep.
748
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,085
And he wants to do an
all night vigil tonight,
749
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,549
so he wants to be closed.
750
00:50:54,041 --> 00:50:56,382
- I wanna say fuck racist.
751
00:50:56,417 --> 00:50:59,913
Fuck you racist
bitches in America.
752
00:50:59,948 --> 00:51:03,048
Fuck all you cock sucking
son of a bitches.
753
00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:06,788
I swear to God, I wish I
can line all you racist,
754
00:51:06,823 --> 00:51:09,593
pussy ass motherfuckers up.
755
00:51:09,628 --> 00:51:14,202
I motherfucking goddamn
served my country,
756
00:51:14,237 --> 00:51:16,864
served it fucking
honorably and you fuck me
757
00:51:16,899 --> 00:51:19,372
because I'm fucking Black.
758
00:51:19,407 --> 00:51:21,473
Fuck you.
759
00:51:21,508 --> 00:51:24,212
Fuck you, you son of a bitch.
760
00:51:24,247 --> 00:51:27,149
I can't stand you,
pussy ass motherfuckers.
761
00:51:27,184 --> 00:51:29,943
Fuck all you racist
son of a bitches.
762
00:51:29,978 --> 00:51:33,584
Fuck all y'all, I can't
fucking stand y'all.
763
00:51:33,619 --> 00:51:36,785
You don't want a Black
man with shit around here.
764
00:51:36,820 --> 00:51:38,985
You give us this fucking much,
765
00:51:39,020 --> 00:51:41,922
but then you take
this fucking much.
766
00:51:41,957 --> 00:51:44,265
It's all about money.
767
00:51:44,300 --> 00:51:49,094
We put our life on the
line so you can stand up
768
00:51:49,129 --> 00:51:50,139
and fuck us in the ass.
769
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:54,605
We fucking served our country,
770
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,102
we love our fucking country.
771
00:51:57,137 --> 00:51:59,709
We know we have freedom,
but we ain't free.
772
00:52:04,012 --> 00:52:06,012
We're not free
in our own country.
773
00:52:08,016 --> 00:52:10,115
I've got some for you fuck ass
774
00:52:10,150 --> 00:52:13,987
'cause I'm gone goddamn make
it here, I'm gonna succeed.
775
00:52:14,022 --> 00:52:17,133
If you like it or not,
I'm talking to you.
776
00:52:29,642 --> 00:52:33,314
- I don't think I could do
this if I wouldn't have found
777
00:52:33,349 --> 00:52:37,516
my own meditation and
mindfulness practice before,
778
00:52:37,551 --> 00:52:41,322
and I really helped just
being in the moment.
779
00:52:41,357 --> 00:52:45,018
Sometimes even just
walking and just focusing
780
00:52:45,053 --> 00:52:48,329
on right, left, right,
left, right, left.
781
00:52:51,268 --> 00:52:53,169
Not letting my mind
get too far from here.
782
00:53:10,947 --> 00:53:15,587
- The whole time I was in
Iraq, I worked at night
783
00:53:15,622 --> 00:53:18,722
and we were mortared
all the time.
784
00:53:18,757 --> 00:53:20,658
I worked the volunteer
hospital service,
785
00:53:20,693 --> 00:53:23,232
seeing soldiers come in.
786
00:53:23,267 --> 00:53:26,367
Citizens, kids just blown up.
787
00:53:28,129 --> 00:53:30,437
One night we were there
and we're watching DVDs
788
00:53:30,472 --> 00:53:32,901
in this waiting room
also when we got the call,
789
00:53:32,936 --> 00:53:35,508
okay, incoming,
incoming, wounded.
790
00:53:35,543 --> 00:53:37,840
And we'd go out to cart these
people off the helicopter.
791
00:53:37,875 --> 00:53:42,680
And one of them is burned with
a black bag over his head,
792
00:53:42,715 --> 00:53:44,583
handcuffed, wounded.
793
00:53:44,618 --> 00:53:47,113
And we put him in the corner
in the waiting room.
794
00:53:47,148 --> 00:53:51,392
So here's this human,
the black bag over his head
795
00:53:52,626 --> 00:53:55,561
curled up in the corner,
796
00:53:55,596 --> 00:53:59,026
hogtied while people are
watching a sitcom
797
00:53:59,061 --> 00:54:01,270
on the TV laughing.
798
00:54:02,999 --> 00:54:06,099
That imprinted on me
799
00:54:06,134 --> 00:54:09,806
confusion,
800
00:54:09,841 --> 00:54:11,137
what are we doing.
801
00:54:15,275 --> 00:54:17,319
- When I'm laying down,
trying to go to sleep
802
00:54:17,354 --> 00:54:20,487
when everything is quiet
803
00:54:20,522 --> 00:54:22,555
and I don't have other things
804
00:54:22,590 --> 00:54:25,085
distracting my mind from war,
805
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,626
I would say my average
hours of sleep,
806
00:54:27,661 --> 00:54:30,959
it'll probably be
about four and a half.
807
00:54:33,293 --> 00:54:35,799
When we were staying in
Baghdad international airport,
808
00:54:35,834 --> 00:54:38,340
mortars almost used to
hit us all the time.
809
00:54:40,300 --> 00:54:44,137
So I began to learn how
to actually get sleep
810
00:54:44,172 --> 00:54:45,842
with bombs going off.
811
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,747
One of those mornings
actually came in and hit,
812
00:54:49,782 --> 00:54:51,243
I wouldn't be able to wake up.
813
00:54:51,278 --> 00:54:53,179
My buddy Morales
he might've been killed,
814
00:54:53,214 --> 00:54:55,819
I might've been killed.
815
00:54:55,854 --> 00:54:58,789
So sometimes I just lay there
and think about like
816
00:54:58,824 --> 00:55:01,330
how come none of those
motors never actually hit.
817
00:55:01,365 --> 00:55:04,025
Like, damn, why am I
such a lucky bastard?
818
00:56:18,706 --> 00:56:22,609
- I was able to meet demons
that are following me.
819
00:56:23,975 --> 00:56:28,945
And before I engaged
820
00:56:28,980 --> 00:56:32,113
in battle with them,
821
00:56:32,148 --> 00:56:36,953
I invited them
822
00:56:36,988 --> 00:56:38,559
to a cup of water.
823
00:56:46,602 --> 00:56:47,964
What a cool sunset.
824
00:56:51,002 --> 00:56:54,300
Went for a very long walk
825
00:56:54,335 --> 00:56:56,742
today in the midday sun,
826
00:56:56,777 --> 00:57:00,911
which was probably
not the smartest idea
827
00:57:00,946 --> 00:57:05,212
but I just needed to wander
828
00:57:05,247 --> 00:57:09,920
and saw a beautiful hawk
829
00:57:09,955 --> 00:57:13,088
that followed me
for about 45 minutes.
830
00:57:13,123 --> 00:57:16,663
Everybody should try to do
this once in their life.
831
00:57:16,698 --> 00:57:19,831
Just know that you can.
832
00:59:07,072 --> 00:59:08,577
- Everything is calm.
833
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:22,415
- I finally made it to day five.
834
00:59:22,450 --> 00:59:25,484
To be completely honest,
835
00:59:28,324 --> 00:59:30,555
I don't know how I made it.
836
00:59:30,590 --> 00:59:34,163
I'm thankful for
being able to enlist
837
00:59:35,903 --> 00:59:37,331
in the United States army.
838
00:59:38,741 --> 00:59:42,039
It was actually an honor
to go serve in Iraq,
839
00:59:42,074 --> 00:59:44,206
to serve in Afghanistan.
840
00:59:44,241 --> 00:59:47,440
However, I didn't know
841
00:59:47,475 --> 00:59:51,378
that after I was
honorably discharged,
842
00:59:51,413 --> 00:59:54,887
I would one day have
post-traumatic stress
843
00:59:54,922 --> 00:59:57,384
and deal with more injury.
844
00:59:57,419 --> 01:00:00,827
But if this helped me
return home to my family,
845
01:00:00,862 --> 01:00:02,994
friends and society,
846
01:00:03,029 --> 01:00:05,227
then these four days
and four nights
847
01:00:05,262 --> 01:00:07,262
would not be in vain.
848
01:01:36,221 --> 01:01:38,859
- And come out of this time
of being alone in the dark
849
01:01:38,894 --> 01:01:40,091
just four days and nights.
850
01:01:44,229 --> 01:01:48,495
Light hits this plug that's
been in the belly button
851
01:01:48,530 --> 01:01:51,366
of mother earth during this
time to hold all your prayers.
852
01:01:53,436 --> 01:01:54,875
Now we're gonna
take the plug out
853
01:01:56,945 --> 01:01:59,440
so that mother earth
can hear your intentions
854
01:01:59,475 --> 01:02:00,947
as you come in here
855
01:02:00,982 --> 01:02:03,752
and hold all this any
time in this next year,
856
01:02:05,415 --> 01:02:09,483
your intention will be here
in this land to hold you.
857
01:02:59,304 --> 01:03:02,976
- I'm a brilliant adult man
858
01:03:03,011 --> 01:03:07,508
who loves himself,
859
01:03:07,543 --> 01:03:08,949
who is confident.
860
01:03:14,649 --> 01:03:17,716
Who loves his family,
loves his tribe.
861
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:26,967
Loves his friends,
862
01:03:27,002 --> 01:03:29,695
and loves every living thing,
863
01:03:29,730 --> 01:03:31,565
on this fucking earth.
864
01:03:33,569 --> 01:03:36,174
Fuck yeah.
865
01:04:14,412 --> 01:04:16,214
- I am earth, I am fire.
866
01:04:23,454 --> 01:04:27,621
I am air and I am water.
867
01:04:30,263 --> 01:04:33,066
I'm a strong warrior!
868
01:04:55,420 --> 01:04:58,058
- We encourage the hugging
and the coming back in the body.
869
01:04:58,093 --> 01:05:00,225
This is the close of
the threshold phase
870
01:05:00,260 --> 01:05:02,854
and moving into the
incorporation phase.
871
01:05:02,889 --> 01:05:05,934
You all had very powerful
experiences, I'm sure
872
01:05:05,969 --> 01:05:07,892
out on the land.
873
01:05:07,927 --> 01:05:10,400
Everything between the time
that you crossed the threshold
874
01:05:10,435 --> 01:05:12,072
to the time that you returned,
875
01:05:12,107 --> 01:05:16,538
to mark that end of the
threshold phase is sacred.
876
01:05:16,573 --> 01:05:17,803
Hold it.
877
01:05:26,913 --> 01:05:28,231
- Duck your head, Chuck.
- Good call.
878
01:05:28,255 --> 01:05:30,882
- Yeah, I was.
879
01:05:45,008 --> 01:05:49,604
- Incorporation or
return to take the things
880
01:05:49,639 --> 01:05:52,475
that we have received
out on the land
881
01:05:52,510 --> 01:05:54,477
as a result of putting
things down
882
01:05:54,512 --> 01:05:57,084
and begin the process
of figuring out
883
01:05:57,119 --> 01:05:59,449
how to incorporate them
into our daily lives
884
01:05:59,484 --> 01:06:00,747
and into our walk.
885
01:06:00,782 --> 01:06:04,124
- Into the Corpus,
into the body.
886
01:06:04,159 --> 01:06:06,588
So you've been out
there on that land
887
01:06:06,623 --> 01:06:09,426
and you've been thresholding
and then it's time to come back
888
01:06:09,461 --> 01:06:11,692
into the body as you
go back into the world
889
01:06:11,727 --> 01:06:13,265
and you'll be tested.
890
01:06:13,300 --> 01:06:16,796
- Coming home and coming
back to this place
891
01:06:16,831 --> 01:06:18,380
and then going back
out into the world
892
01:06:18,404 --> 01:06:23,473
that truly can't hear
893
01:06:23,508 --> 01:06:25,970
and can't see what
we've been through.
894
01:06:26,005 --> 01:06:29,380
Not all that different from
coming home from service
895
01:06:29,415 --> 01:06:31,118
to a world that
896
01:06:31,153 --> 01:06:33,186
can't fully understand
or comprehend
897
01:06:33,221 --> 01:06:35,056
or wrap it's mind
around where we've been
898
01:06:35,091 --> 01:06:36,684
and what we've experienced.
899
01:06:36,719 --> 01:06:39,060
- We'll spend the day
just kind of recuperating,
900
01:06:39,095 --> 01:06:41,194
letting your story
bubble around.
901
01:06:41,229 --> 01:06:43,790
We'll go into Coulee city, boy.
902
01:06:43,825 --> 01:06:46,100
We're going into Coulee
city for a meal, big deal.
903
01:06:51,998 --> 01:06:54,405
- It's cold, I thought
it could be warm water.
904
01:06:54,440 --> 01:06:56,671
Who's idea was this?
905
01:07:51,596 --> 01:07:52,727
- Sun starts going down.
906
01:07:55,501 --> 01:07:58,139
The oh shit factor hit me.
907
01:07:58,174 --> 01:08:02,110
And it was the,
"What the hell am I doing?
908
01:08:02,145 --> 01:08:04,211
"I can't do this.
909
01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:06,323
"I'm out here, I'm supposed
to what, sleep under a tarp.
910
01:08:06,347 --> 01:08:08,479
"What, no, I can't do this."
911
01:08:08,514 --> 01:08:11,152
I was just scared shitless.
912
01:08:11,187 --> 01:08:14,419
And kind of took a step
back and was just like,
913
01:08:14,454 --> 01:08:17,455
"You know what, no,
these are your fears.
914
01:08:17,490 --> 01:08:18,984
"You have to grow Sheryl.
915
01:08:19,019 --> 01:08:20,799
"You need to do this, you
need to prove to yourself
916
01:08:20,823 --> 01:08:22,955
"that you are kickass
because you are."
917
01:08:22,990 --> 01:08:25,661
That first night when
the stars came out,
918
01:08:27,632 --> 01:08:28,928
I just broke down in tears.
919
01:08:31,174 --> 01:08:35,803
It was just, it was so
peaceful and just...
920
01:08:40,645 --> 01:08:42,414
The next thing I
know it's morning.
921
01:08:42,449 --> 01:08:46,077
I couldn't believe it, I slept
through that entire night.
922
01:08:46,112 --> 01:08:48,453
I didn't wake up once
923
01:08:48,488 --> 01:08:52,358
and it was
the absolute best sleep
924
01:08:52,393 --> 01:08:57,165
I had had in I can't
even remember how long.
925
01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:58,694
It did something to me.
926
01:08:58,729 --> 01:09:02,764
I woke up and I was
just so confident
927
01:09:02,799 --> 01:09:06,097
and it just kind of restored
this little voice inside of me.
928
01:09:06,132 --> 01:09:07,868
Like, "Yeah bitch, I told you.
929
01:09:07,903 --> 01:09:10,475
"Why did you have doubt,
like you've got this."
930
01:09:10,510 --> 01:09:13,005
The last time
I saw stars like that
931
01:09:13,040 --> 01:09:16,184
was in the middle
of the Pacific ocean in transit.
932
01:09:16,219 --> 01:09:20,111
Every night,
it was like a bedtime story
933
01:09:20,146 --> 01:09:24,291
or that lullaby
singing you to sleep.
934
01:09:24,326 --> 01:09:27,690
One of the most healing
935
01:09:27,725 --> 01:09:29,296
parts happened,
936
01:09:29,331 --> 01:09:33,399
I was journaling and I looked
over at a little sage brush
937
01:09:33,434 --> 01:09:35,632
and there was a caterpillar
938
01:09:35,667 --> 01:09:38,866
crawling on the stem
939
01:09:38,901 --> 01:09:43,541
and it just
940
01:09:43,576 --> 01:09:46,412
brought forth this memory
from my childhood.
941
01:09:46,447 --> 01:09:49,008
And it was probably the
last time that I absolutely
942
01:09:49,043 --> 01:09:50,746
truly remember being happy.
943
01:09:53,014 --> 01:09:56,147
And it's like I had
944
01:09:56,182 --> 01:09:58,490
this long conversation
with this caterpillar.
945
01:09:58,525 --> 01:10:02,153
And it's just like,
you know what?
946
01:10:02,188 --> 01:10:04,727
It's okay, you can be happy.
947
01:10:04,762 --> 01:10:07,532
I felt like I was using
it now as a celebration
948
01:10:07,567 --> 01:10:11,569
and just honoring
everything around me
949
01:10:11,604 --> 01:10:13,703
that was bringing me joy.
950
01:10:20,481 --> 01:10:24,010
- So, I wanna start
with the word pride.
951
01:10:24,045 --> 01:10:26,782
I spent most of the
first day thinking,
952
01:10:26,817 --> 01:10:29,488
what the hell is a blind
guy doing out here?
953
01:10:31,217 --> 01:10:34,053
I can't do walkabouts
like everybody else.
954
01:10:34,088 --> 01:10:38,057
I was afraid to look for
rocks because of bugs
955
01:10:38,092 --> 01:10:39,828
and snakes and whatever.
956
01:10:41,601 --> 01:10:45,735
So I spent the first
day pretty much pissed off
957
01:10:45,770 --> 01:10:48,606
because I was blind.
958
01:10:51,171 --> 01:10:52,973
Pride.
959
01:10:53,008 --> 01:10:54,491
I think it was the night
of the second night,
960
01:10:54,515 --> 01:10:56,944
I started having light diarrhea.
961
01:10:56,979 --> 01:11:00,046
And then the third day
it was pretty rough.
962
01:11:00,081 --> 01:11:01,586
My blood sugars were tanking,
963
01:11:01,621 --> 01:11:03,951
I kept getting low and I
was eating glucose tablets
964
01:11:03,986 --> 01:11:06,052
like they were crack.
965
01:11:06,087 --> 01:11:07,966
Sometime in the afternoon,
I got really afraid
966
01:11:07,990 --> 01:11:11,057
and I didn't wanna tell the
leadership that I had diarrhea
967
01:11:11,092 --> 01:11:12,795
'cause I thought
they'd make me come in.
968
01:11:12,830 --> 01:11:15,402
Again, pride.
969
01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:20,407
And I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was...
970
01:11:20,442 --> 01:11:22,904
I didn't wanna tell
anybody that I was afraid
971
01:11:22,939 --> 01:11:24,774
because I'm blind
and I want everybody
972
01:11:24,809 --> 01:11:27,975
to know that I'm whole.
973
01:11:34,555 --> 01:11:36,687
And then an angel showed up
974
01:11:40,396 --> 01:11:43,595
Chris, I called to tell
her about my blood sugar
975
01:11:43,630 --> 01:11:47,434
and something
happened to the radio.
976
01:11:47,469 --> 01:11:49,502
And just all of
a sudden she was there.
977
01:11:49,537 --> 01:11:54,100
Somehow she knew that
I was on the edge.
978
01:11:54,135 --> 01:11:57,037
Somehow she knew that
979
01:11:57,072 --> 01:12:00,205
if I could have come down here,
I would have.
980
01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:03,043
So Chris laid down on the ground
981
01:12:03,078 --> 01:12:06,079
and we held hands and
we talked and I cried.
982
01:12:09,392 --> 01:12:11,854
I confessed how weak I was,
but I was still prideful.
983
01:12:11,889 --> 01:12:15,660
I told Chris that at the end,
984
01:12:15,695 --> 01:12:19,565
my intent was to walk
down here by myself.
985
01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:21,963
So then the final morning
and I'm sitting there
986
01:12:21,998 --> 01:12:25,835
and I'm so weak and
I'm very disoriented
987
01:12:25,870 --> 01:12:29,003
and I'm just, I'm on the edge.
988
01:12:30,743 --> 01:12:32,171
And I heard this voice.
989
01:12:35,847 --> 01:12:37,418
And the voice told me,
990
01:12:37,453 --> 01:12:40,080
you gotta stop being proud.
991
01:12:44,086 --> 01:12:48,154
These people are here
because they wanna help you,
992
01:12:48,189 --> 01:12:49,793
accept their help.
993
01:12:51,258 --> 01:12:54,259
And the next thing I know, Ryan,
994
01:12:54,294 --> 01:12:56,063
Tim and Brandon
995
01:12:56,098 --> 01:13:00,869
walk into my camp
literally within seconds.
996
01:13:03,941 --> 01:13:05,842
The other weird thing
is when they walked in,
997
01:13:05,877 --> 01:13:07,943
I wasn't startled
that they were there
998
01:13:07,978 --> 01:13:10,385
because the spirit had
told me to accept the help.
999
01:13:14,622 --> 01:13:17,887
And before I knew it,
almost all of my stuff was gone.
1000
01:13:17,922 --> 01:13:22,023
As exhausted as they were,
these three men picked up
1001
01:13:22,058 --> 01:13:25,356
all my shit and took it down
here without even saying,
1002
01:13:25,391 --> 01:13:27,600
Oh, fuck, I'm tired or
I don't wanna do this.
1003
01:13:27,635 --> 01:13:31,802
They all did it because
they wanted to do it.
1004
01:13:31,837 --> 01:13:34,772
But I still insisted
being prideful.
1005
01:13:34,807 --> 01:13:38,743
I told all three of them,
I'm walking in alone.
1006
01:13:38,778 --> 01:13:40,547
At that point,
I had my backpack,
1007
01:13:40,582 --> 01:13:43,880
the chair and my water jugs.
1008
01:13:43,915 --> 01:13:45,651
Then the next thing
I know, lan shows up
1009
01:13:51,021 --> 01:13:53,956
and lan just guides me in
and I just surrendered
1010
01:13:53,991 --> 01:13:56,530
at that point,
I just surrendered.
1011
01:13:58,633 --> 01:14:02,602
And I said, just fuck the pride,
1012
01:14:02,637 --> 01:14:04,098
I just wanna be me
1013
01:14:04,133 --> 01:14:06,199
and I just wanna accept.
1014
01:14:10,612 --> 01:14:12,249
At that point I think
I finally accepted
1015
01:14:12,273 --> 01:14:14,779
the fact that I'm blind.
1016
01:14:14,814 --> 01:14:18,882
And I can tell you,
I've told people for years
1017
01:14:20,556 --> 01:14:21,962
that I'm totally okay
with being blind,
1018
01:14:21,986 --> 01:14:23,381
but I guess I wasn't.
1019
01:14:30,698 --> 01:14:33,127
- I can't tell you Chuck,
1020
01:14:33,162 --> 01:14:36,768
when I think about you out
there on that land this time,
1021
01:14:36,803 --> 01:14:39,672
it's just such respect,
such love for you, man.
1022
01:14:43,502 --> 01:14:46,338
This isn't a story of wholeness,
I don't know what is Chuck.
1023
01:14:48,408 --> 01:14:50,551
He wants this blindness thing
1024
01:14:50,586 --> 01:14:52,982
to go away
1025
01:14:53,017 --> 01:14:56,315
so he can be a whole man
1026
01:14:56,350 --> 01:14:59,186
and the gods and goddesses
are laughing up there
1027
01:14:59,221 --> 01:15:02,563
because they know what
a whole man this man is.
1028
01:15:04,732 --> 01:15:08,734
It's done Chuck, it's done.
You hear that?
1029
01:15:08,769 --> 01:15:11,968
What you went out there to
claim around relationship,
1030
01:15:12,003 --> 01:15:15,510
around wholeness, done.
1031
01:15:18,009 --> 01:15:20,845
You don't have to do
anything 'cause spirit
1032
01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:22,308
has a way of working
1033
01:15:22,343 --> 01:15:23,848
in this world
1034
01:15:23,883 --> 01:15:27,313
and you followed that spirit
right to this beautiful man
1035
01:15:27,348 --> 01:15:31,053
who needed to know
that he can accept help
1036
01:15:31,088 --> 01:15:33,418
because he is a blind man
and that has nothing
1037
01:15:33,453 --> 01:15:36,696
fucking to do with
wholeness, nothing.
1038
01:16:22,469 --> 01:16:24,656
- It was a trigger of PTSD,
it was the sound of thunder
1039
01:16:24,680 --> 01:16:29,210
as if it was some
sort of explosion.
1040
01:16:29,245 --> 01:16:33,918
Prior to that, I actually
didn't cry a whole lot
1041
01:16:33,953 --> 01:16:36,316
and my body needed
to release it.
1042
01:16:36,351 --> 01:16:39,121
And nature was working with us.
1043
01:16:39,156 --> 01:16:43,125
It was in a safe space that
was held by the natural world,
1044
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:47,096
extraordinary guides and
these beautiful veterans
1045
01:16:47,131 --> 01:16:48,867
that are my comrades.
1046
01:17:13,619 --> 01:17:16,356
- I dedicated this fast
to my grandmother,
1047
01:17:16,391 --> 01:17:19,524
who I didn't get a chance
to go to her funeral
1048
01:17:19,559 --> 01:17:21,768
because I was in
Iraq at the time.
1049
01:17:21,803 --> 01:17:24,463
On day one, I didn't
know which way to go.
1050
01:17:24,498 --> 01:17:28,269
I just started walking
1051
01:17:28,304 --> 01:17:30,172
and just got a good
feel for the land.
1052
01:17:30,207 --> 01:17:32,878
I was hoping I would
run into some animals
1053
01:17:32,913 --> 01:17:34,649
or a burning bush or something.
1054
01:17:36,719 --> 01:17:37,959
I though about my sister a lot.
1055
01:17:40,855 --> 01:17:45,726
Decided to look at the stars
1056
01:17:45,761 --> 01:17:46,991
and be thankful that
1057
01:17:47,026 --> 01:17:48,927
it was so many
of them out there.
1058
01:17:52,493 --> 01:17:55,494
It would be pretty cool
to take a trip up there.
1059
01:17:55,529 --> 01:17:59,234
I decided to take day
two as decision road.
1060
01:17:59,269 --> 01:18:03,469
I ended up walking all
the way to the highway.
1061
01:18:03,504 --> 01:18:07,473
I thought of just getting
on the highway like Rambo,
1062
01:18:07,508 --> 01:18:12,247
First Blood, but then I was
thinking if somebody picks me up
1063
01:18:12,282 --> 01:18:14,117
and takes me down
a road into the city
1064
01:18:15,890 --> 01:18:20,860
and starts getting crazy,
1065
01:18:20,895 --> 01:18:25,194
I don't wanna make the news.
1066
01:18:25,229 --> 01:18:26,657
I was walking along the Lake.
1067
01:18:26,692 --> 01:18:29,099
I was actually thinking
about jumping in there
1068
01:18:29,134 --> 01:18:31,365
because I knew if I jumped
in that canal next to it,
1069
01:18:32,775 --> 01:18:34,455
that current would
probably take me away.
1070
01:18:36,141 --> 01:18:39,780
So now I start thinking
about my veteran experience.
1071
01:18:39,815 --> 01:18:44,411
I was in 101st airborne
division, the screaming Eagles.
1072
01:18:44,446 --> 01:18:46,853
I got all the way up
to this other mountain
1073
01:18:46,888 --> 01:18:50,450
and there were two
eagles just screaming.
1074
01:18:50,485 --> 01:18:52,958
It kind of gave me some
insurance being clear sighted.
1075
01:18:54,962 --> 01:18:59,866
By that time I made peace with
the land, with the ancestors.
1076
01:18:59,901 --> 01:19:04,365
I've walked the three days
straight and know that day four,
1077
01:19:04,400 --> 01:19:08,006
I just laid there and rested.
1078
01:19:09,845 --> 01:19:12,109
And the only thing that stood
in my mind was Psalms 23.
1079
01:19:14,817 --> 01:19:16,223
- "Though I walk
through the valley
1080
01:19:16,247 --> 01:19:18,313
"of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil
1081
01:19:18,348 --> 01:19:20,084
"for thou art with me.
1082
01:19:20,119 --> 01:19:22,482
"Thy rode and thy stuff
shall comfort me."
1083
01:19:29,689 --> 01:19:31,260
- Thank you for your story.
1084
01:19:31,295 --> 01:19:32,910
Thank you for this
story of transformation
1085
01:19:32,934 --> 01:19:36,595
that we all need to know that
transformation is possible.
1086
01:19:39,039 --> 01:19:40,841
And there you are.
1087
01:19:43,175 --> 01:19:44,636
Thank you.
1088
01:19:52,888 --> 01:19:54,118
- Smiles don't hurt either.
1089
01:20:33,489 --> 01:20:35,225
- The meaning of
my name is King.
1090
01:20:35,260 --> 01:20:37,788
Malik, one, that rules.
1091
01:20:37,823 --> 01:20:39,691
So I'm gonna rule my area,
1092
01:20:39,726 --> 01:20:43,497
I'm gonna rule my land up there.
1093
01:20:44,940 --> 01:20:46,335
It became mine.
1094
01:20:46,370 --> 01:20:48,040
Spirit told me,
"Do what you normally do.
1095
01:20:53,014 --> 01:20:54,673
"Aren't you always on guard?"
1096
01:20:54,708 --> 01:20:55,850
"Yes."
1097
01:20:58,514 --> 01:21:00,019
"Protect your land."
1098
01:21:00,054 --> 01:21:01,812
"Aren't you the King?"
1099
01:21:01,847 --> 01:21:03,286
"Yes."
1100
01:21:04,850 --> 01:21:09,226
"Just keep a close watchful
eye on everything around you
1101
01:21:09,261 --> 01:21:11,690
"and you'll survive
these four days."
1102
01:21:13,529 --> 01:21:17,267
Every evening,
I'll come look over base camp
1103
01:21:17,302 --> 01:21:19,863
in my underwear
1104
01:21:19,898 --> 01:21:24,703
as long as my brothers
and sisters was okay,
1105
01:21:24,738 --> 01:21:26,309
I was at peace
1106
01:21:29,215 --> 01:21:31,512
with this, my heart.
1107
01:21:31,547 --> 01:21:33,580
Every night I went
up to that throne,
1108
01:21:36,057 --> 01:21:39,784
sat down and watched
that sunrise again.
1109
01:21:39,819 --> 01:21:42,886
It's the most beautiful thing
1110
01:21:42,921 --> 01:21:44,228
I've ever seen.
1111
01:21:47,728 --> 01:21:50,564
I never really formed
a good sleeping pattern
1112
01:21:50,599 --> 01:21:55,074
because if you fall
asleep on watch,
1113
01:21:55,109 --> 01:21:57,604
you can get court marshalled.
1114
01:21:57,639 --> 01:22:02,642
I really admire the
beauty of mother nature,
1115
01:22:02,677 --> 01:22:07,020
the way she carved out canyons,
the hills, the valleys.
1116
01:22:09,816 --> 01:22:13,686
One of the things I needed
to clear up was my anger.
1117
01:22:14,854 --> 01:22:18,966
I did some venting out loud.
1118
01:22:20,827 --> 01:22:23,300
I said, "Well, this is
definitely gonna humble me."
1119
01:22:25,007 --> 01:22:27,502
I'd rather die up there
than die out in the world.
1120
01:22:30,144 --> 01:22:32,870
I found so much
peace on this land.
1121
01:22:36,810 --> 01:22:40,845
- The child in you
who had to step up,
1122
01:22:40,880 --> 01:22:43,254
who's been carrying his
armor and his shield
1123
01:22:43,289 --> 01:22:45,487
for longer than he can remember
1124
01:22:45,522 --> 01:22:48,061
to protect himself
and his people.
1125
01:22:50,989 --> 01:22:54,628
A man who has had to be
on guard and be on point
1126
01:22:54,663 --> 01:22:59,369
watching over himself
and his people in theater
1127
01:22:59,404 --> 01:23:02,009
immersed in the world of war,
1128
01:23:02,044 --> 01:23:05,540
so many years
1129
01:23:05,575 --> 01:23:09,544
to face those demons,
to face those dark shadows
1130
01:23:09,579 --> 01:23:12,118
in those coyotes
who came at night.
1131
01:23:12,153 --> 01:23:16,683
A man who fashioned
a shamonic tool
1132
01:23:16,718 --> 01:23:18,949
to drive those beings
back to where they come from.
1133
01:23:18,984 --> 01:23:22,194
No more, no more.
1134
01:23:23,857 --> 01:23:28,596
Put your armor down,
drop your shield.
1135
01:23:31,601 --> 01:23:34,008
You are protected,
you are covered.
1136
01:23:35,704 --> 01:23:36,868
You are home.
1137
01:23:40,577 --> 01:23:42,280
- Not a lot of
people impress me.
1138
01:23:43,679 --> 01:23:46,977
This all, you're
gonna impress me.
1139
01:23:47,012 --> 01:23:51,751
I mean, man, the spirit, deep.
1140
01:23:57,957 --> 01:23:58,957
It's deep, man.
1141
01:24:01,433 --> 01:24:02,433
I'm glad to be here.
1142
01:24:12,741 --> 01:24:14,048
- There's two types of kings.
1143
01:24:16,712 --> 01:24:20,219
The ones that rule from
anger and power and greed
1144
01:24:20,254 --> 01:24:23,288
and then there's the kings
who rule with love.
1145
01:24:23,323 --> 01:24:28,359
There's the Kings
who serve the people.
1146
01:24:28,394 --> 01:24:31,395
When I see you telling your
story and I heard your story.
1147
01:24:31,430 --> 01:24:34,860
I was like, "He is the
right kind of king,
1148
01:24:34,895 --> 01:24:37,302
"he is the good kind of king."
1149
01:24:38,635 --> 01:24:41,207
I want a king with
the face like that.
1150
01:24:41,242 --> 01:24:43,671
I want to King with love and
kindness in his eyes like that.
1151
01:24:56,752 --> 01:24:59,621
- The morning that
we got up to go,
1152
01:24:59,656 --> 01:25:03,658
I was exhausted emotionally
1153
01:25:03,693 --> 01:25:07,761
and I had visions of demons
1154
01:25:07,796 --> 01:25:10,797
that I was gonna be
fighting the whole time.
1155
01:25:10,832 --> 01:25:14,471
And I got out to the
spot that I had chosen.
1156
01:25:26,012 --> 01:25:27,649
I was scared.
1157
01:25:27,684 --> 01:25:31,521
Last year that I've
gone through coming off
1158
01:25:31,556 --> 01:25:34,821
of a lot of medications.
1159
01:25:34,856 --> 01:25:36,955
There were things that
happened during that time
1160
01:25:38,365 --> 01:25:42,433
that truly scared me and
I was in safe spaces.
1161
01:25:42,468 --> 01:25:47,207
So here I am heading
out to the unknown
1162
01:25:48,573 --> 01:25:51,838
and I thought what if
these things come back
1163
01:25:51,873 --> 01:25:52,972
while I'm out there.
1164
01:25:56,042 --> 01:25:58,383
What was weird for me as I
wasn't scared of the coyote
1165
01:25:59,848 --> 01:26:02,046
or the mountain lion
or the grizzly bear,
1166
01:26:02,081 --> 01:26:03,949
that random murderer
that's gonna come.
1167
01:26:03,984 --> 01:26:06,193
For me, it was
the little things.
1168
01:26:07,559 --> 01:26:08,701
It was the ticks,
it was the spiders.
1169
01:26:08,725 --> 01:26:13,728
It was the ground
teaming with ants.
1170
01:26:13,763 --> 01:26:16,335
And then about midnight
of that night, I woke up
1171
01:26:17,701 --> 01:26:22,506
out of where and felt my face.
1172
01:26:24,004 --> 01:26:28,677
And something had bit me
and my lip was probably
1173
01:26:30,615 --> 01:26:34,452
the size of a golf ball,
just huge numb with pain.
1174
01:26:36,291 --> 01:26:38,357
And I was thirsty.
I'll get out, I couldn't drink.
1175
01:26:40,922 --> 01:26:43,082
I was just water spilling
out electrolytes everywhere.
1176
01:26:47,929 --> 01:26:50,930
That was exactly what I needed.
1177
01:26:50,965 --> 01:26:55,407
It was a confidence boost
because I wasn't dead.
1178
01:26:55,442 --> 01:26:58,135
The little guys, they're little.
1179
01:27:00,975 --> 01:27:03,283
The nights for me
were the hardest.
1180
01:27:03,318 --> 01:27:07,947
That's when I can conjure
up all sorts of demons.
1181
01:27:09,621 --> 01:27:11,401
On day three, I got to
the canal and contemplated
1182
01:27:11,425 --> 01:27:13,953
jumping in the canal.
1183
01:27:13,988 --> 01:27:18,265
I thought I could do this
and I think I'm smarter
1184
01:27:18,300 --> 01:27:22,533
than everybody else, so
I'm not gonna take a gun
1185
01:27:22,568 --> 01:27:24,403
and shoot myself.
1186
01:27:24,438 --> 01:27:29,100
What I'll do is kill myself
another way, slow away.
1187
01:27:29,135 --> 01:27:32,741
And I started realizing
that I'd been walking
1188
01:27:32,776 --> 01:27:34,479
since about seven in the morning
1189
01:27:34,514 --> 01:27:37,075
and it's now three
o'clock in the afternoon.
1190
01:27:37,110 --> 01:27:41,211
I'm out of water, I'm sweating.
1191
01:27:41,246 --> 01:27:43,686
Now I'm not sweating, headache
1192
01:27:45,756 --> 01:27:48,625
and go about five
steps and stop.
1193
01:27:51,333 --> 01:27:54,257
And a little voice in
the back of my head said,
1194
01:27:54,292 --> 01:27:55,929
"You gotta stop this, man.
1195
01:28:02,806 --> 01:28:06,346
"You got too much
life left to live
1196
01:28:10,880 --> 01:28:13,386
"and too much gifts to give.
1197
01:28:15,951 --> 01:28:17,918
"And there's a whole
bunch of people out there
1198
01:28:17,953 --> 01:28:20,459
"that would like to
see to stick around."
1199
01:28:23,695 --> 01:28:25,123
- It's done.
1200
01:28:27,963 --> 01:28:29,061
Thank you for your story.
1201
01:28:39,711 --> 01:28:42,008
- I had work to do.
1202
01:28:42,043 --> 01:28:44,142
I had Larry's voice
1203
01:28:49,083 --> 01:28:51,490
saying something along the lines
1204
01:28:51,525 --> 01:28:56,462
of clean up as much as you can
and get right at it
1205
01:28:56,497 --> 01:28:58,002
as much as you can with,
as many as you can.
1206
01:28:58,026 --> 01:29:00,224
'Cause I did have some
resistant part of me
1207
01:29:00,259 --> 01:29:02,501
that was really freaking
scared to be up there.
1208
01:29:02,536 --> 01:29:07,198
So it was this, this vulture,
beautiful wings spread
1209
01:29:07,233 --> 01:29:11,906
just flies or it's
like, it's done.
1210
01:29:15,109 --> 01:29:16,614
I know it's done.
1211
01:29:23,953 --> 01:29:25,854
One time I saw a caterpillar
1212
01:29:25,889 --> 01:29:29,220
and that was right before
I was to die.
1213
01:29:30,762 --> 01:29:34,830
And I think that it was doing
an impartial night visual
1214
01:29:34,865 --> 01:29:38,097
rattling, I always
had my rattle going,
1215
01:29:39,870 --> 01:29:41,606
singing rattling.
1216
01:29:41,641 --> 01:29:44,741
The entire time I was like my
inner child, my crying child.
1217
01:29:44,776 --> 01:29:48,679
No that adult, that parent
that holds hands with the soul
1218
01:29:48,714 --> 01:29:50,549
would always be
holding that child
1219
01:29:52,718 --> 01:29:55,246
that was rattling,
rattling, rattling.
1220
01:29:55,281 --> 01:29:59,954
And I kept hearing chorus,
flute, women singers
1221
01:30:02,728 --> 01:30:04,761
that lasted pretty
much all night
1222
01:30:04,796 --> 01:30:08,094
and it felt like celebration.
1223
01:30:11,132 --> 01:30:13,803
It felt like celebration
and nurturing mothers
1224
01:30:13,838 --> 01:30:18,401
just saying
1225
01:30:18,436 --> 01:30:19,908
you did good work.
1226
01:30:25,949 --> 01:30:29,885
- Turkey vultures
can smell death
1227
01:30:29,920 --> 01:30:34,791
a long long way out.
1228
01:30:34,826 --> 01:30:39,059
The vulture saying
1229
01:30:39,094 --> 01:30:40,929
death is coming,
1230
01:30:40,964 --> 01:30:44,636
it's not clear when it's coming
or what that really means.
1231
01:30:46,365 --> 01:30:51,038
The end of that abuse
is here and peace follows,
1232
01:30:54,516 --> 01:30:56,648
but only through
building good walls,
1233
01:30:57,816 --> 01:31:00,146
of being careful
with that child,
1234
01:31:01,314 --> 01:31:04,986
taking care of the child within.
1235
01:31:46,568 --> 01:31:48,194
- I am.
- I am.
1236
01:31:48,229 --> 01:31:50,570
- I am.
- I am.
1237
01:31:50,605 --> 01:31:52,066
- I am.
1238
01:31:52,101 --> 01:31:55,069
- A powerful adult.
- A powerful warrior.
1239
01:31:55,104 --> 01:31:56,972
- Good and loyal.
1240
01:31:57,007 --> 01:31:59,744
- A worthy adult man.
1241
01:31:59,779 --> 01:32:02,747
- A sober unflinching
storyteller.
1242
01:32:02,782 --> 01:32:05,013
- With meaningful relationships.
1243
01:32:05,048 --> 01:32:07,345
- Who loves and cares
for his family.
1244
01:32:07,380 --> 01:32:09,314
- And protects
the ones he loves.
1245
01:32:09,349 --> 01:32:10,887
- With a massive heart.
1246
01:32:10,922 --> 01:32:13,186
- My home and my tribe
and my heart.
1247
01:32:13,221 --> 01:32:14,891
- Deeply connected with nature.
1248
01:32:14,926 --> 01:32:17,487
- Powerfully growing
and being nourished
1249
01:32:17,522 --> 01:32:21,392
by the shit that gives me life.
1250
01:32:21,427 --> 01:32:24,428
- A kickass, powerful,
strong vivacious,
1251
01:32:24,463 --> 01:32:28,069
vulnerable adult woman
who is worthy of all things.
1252
01:32:28,104 --> 01:32:29,576
- Fuck yeah.
1253
01:32:31,613 --> 01:32:34,581
- A spiritual
inspiring elder man
1254
01:32:34,616 --> 01:32:39,014
and I have fulfilling
relationships.
1255
01:32:39,049 --> 01:32:43,018
- I am a strong,
vulnerable whole man.
1256
01:32:46,155 --> 01:32:47,627
- Oh, by God.
1257
01:32:48,993 --> 01:32:50,223
Holy moly.
1258
01:32:52,458 --> 01:32:53,567
God approved it.
1259
01:33:01,302 --> 01:33:03,742
- I picked up humbleness,
1260
01:33:03,777 --> 01:33:06,811
I picked up wisdom.
1261
01:33:06,846 --> 01:33:11,684
I gathered how to be vulnerable
1262
01:33:14,579 --> 01:33:17,019
and also most important,
how to listen.
1263
01:33:19,518 --> 01:33:24,092
My fear is if I don't
use those tools,
1264
01:33:24,127 --> 01:33:28,866
then I refer back to the
old me of being angry.
1265
01:33:34,170 --> 01:33:36,269
That's my biggest fear.
1266
01:33:36,304 --> 01:33:40,306
- My greatest intention
of going home
1267
01:33:40,341 --> 01:33:42,308
is to bring back
1268
01:33:42,343 --> 01:33:46,983
the skills and the training
and the gifts
1269
01:33:47,018 --> 01:33:49,755
that I was able to
acquire here on this land
1270
01:33:49,790 --> 01:33:53,792
and bring them back to bastion,
1271
01:33:53,827 --> 01:33:58,027
bring them back to
Gentilly community
1272
01:33:58,062 --> 01:33:59,864
and bring them back
1273
01:33:59,899 --> 01:34:02,933
to the veteran
community in general,
1274
01:34:02,968 --> 01:34:05,133
even in non veteran community.
1275
01:34:05,168 --> 01:34:08,268
- I've already started slipping
a little bit in my mind
1276
01:34:08,303 --> 01:34:09,940
of what's gonna
happen when I go home
1277
01:34:09,975 --> 01:34:12,437
and that's my biggest fear.
1278
01:34:12,472 --> 01:34:14,637
I really wanna honor
what I've done here
1279
01:34:14,672 --> 01:34:17,277
and have it make a change.
1280
01:34:17,312 --> 01:34:22,282
I don't want it to slip
back into isolation.
1281
01:34:22,317 --> 01:34:24,691
- So now it's time
to create new habits,
1282
01:34:24,726 --> 01:34:28,860
continuing the ritual
and ceremony in my daily life.
1283
01:34:28,895 --> 01:34:30,521
Now it's time to bring it back.
1284
01:34:30,556 --> 01:34:33,062
Otherwise it just
flattens out into a story
1285
01:34:33,097 --> 01:34:35,592
that becomes a dream.
1286
01:34:39,004 --> 01:34:41,565
There is a lot of healing that
needs to happen in this world
1287
01:34:41,600 --> 01:34:45,008
and I truly believe I've
been kept alive for a reason.
1288
01:34:46,946 --> 01:34:50,607
And I wanna serve my purpose,
I want to serve again.
1289
01:35:09,397 --> 01:35:13,102
- Every single one of us
sitting in the circle
1290
01:35:13,137 --> 01:35:15,742
have been initiated
into the armed forces
1291
01:35:15,777 --> 01:35:19,108
and have gone through that
process of grinding away
1292
01:35:19,143 --> 01:35:20,846
the civilian pieces
1293
01:35:20,881 --> 01:35:23,244
and the insertion of that
identity as a warrior,
1294
01:35:23,279 --> 01:35:24,784
whether that's
a peaceful warrior
1295
01:35:24,819 --> 01:35:26,786
now on the planet,
a healing warrior,
1296
01:35:26,821 --> 01:35:29,448
a woman warrior, a man warrior,
1297
01:35:29,483 --> 01:35:31,087
an LGBTQ warrior.
1298
01:35:31,122 --> 01:35:34,717
We are all fucking necessary.
1299
01:35:34,752 --> 01:35:37,962
- I just in deep
gratitude for the courage
1300
01:35:37,997 --> 01:35:40,800
that each one of
you have to show up.
1301
01:35:40,835 --> 01:35:43,803
People who've been out
there on the edge of death
1302
01:35:43,838 --> 01:35:45,805
over and over and over again
1303
01:35:45,840 --> 01:35:49,732
sit here in front of
the rest of us and cry.
1304
01:35:49,767 --> 01:35:51,140
Fuck, you know.
1305
01:35:58,512 --> 01:36:00,952
Deep gratitude, deep gratitude.
1306
01:36:04,320 --> 01:36:06,551
- We will always be
a part of that tribe
1307
01:36:06,586 --> 01:36:09,125
and that tribe will
always be a part of us.
1308
01:36:09,160 --> 01:36:13,261
We'd been initiated into our
respective branches of service.
1309
01:36:14,693 --> 01:36:18,266
We have not been initiated
back into community
1310
01:36:18,301 --> 01:36:21,599
and the world doesn't know it
1311
01:36:21,634 --> 01:36:23,502
and they don't respect it
1312
01:36:23,537 --> 01:36:25,669
and they don't honor it
after we transitioned
1313
01:36:25,704 --> 01:36:27,473
in the ways that it
truly needs to be,
1314
01:36:27,508 --> 01:36:31,180
but they fucking need us,
1315
01:36:33,646 --> 01:36:35,019
every single one of us.
1316
01:36:39,058 --> 01:36:41,421
Thank you for claiming
and owning who you are
1317
01:36:41,456 --> 01:36:43,621
and thank you for walking
back into the world
1318
01:36:43,656 --> 01:36:45,623
with this fucking light
that you're carrying
1319
01:36:45,658 --> 01:36:47,295
and these gifts that
you have to share
1320
01:36:47,330 --> 01:36:49,429
'cause the world needs you.
1321
01:40:28,848 --> 01:40:30,980
- Right of passage.
1322
01:40:31,015 --> 01:40:33,158
Self centered people,
1323
01:40:33,193 --> 01:40:37,591
I hope you learn
1324
01:40:37,626 --> 01:40:41,100
a fucking lesson.
1325
01:40:41,135 --> 01:40:45,038
This is real warrior shit.
96291
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