All language subtitles for 01 LASIK Instinct

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

All right, time for 8:15 drop-off.

Now Mommy's on a quick
break till 3:30.

Toughest job in the world.

Oh, look, Kylie's mom
is out of rehab.

- Good morning, little guy.
- Hey, Janet, good to see you.

Hey, listen, thank you so much
for your apology email.

An individual one
would have been nice,

but one to the whole class
was fine, too.

Have a good day, Stewie.

Oh, my God, please be
a dog. Please be a dog.

Ow. Ow...

Oh, my God, it's a kid!

It's Doug!
Nice hit, bitch.

Oh, and Elsa underwear.
This day just keeps getting better!

Well, thank you all for coming.

Can I get anyone
something to drink?

I'm fine, but Doug's mother
would probably like

three martinis, and then
to have unprotected sex

with her boss at work.

And Doug's father would love
a glass of warm tap water

and to never make more
than $30,000 a year

- for the rest of his life.
- And here we go.

Okay, well, I am just so sorry
about what happened with Doug.

I just didn't see the little guy.

Well, maybe you ought
to get your eyes examined.

I appreciate that it was
an accident, Mrs. Griffin.

But nonetheless,
we've retained a lawyer.

Well, there must be some way
short of a lawsuit

we can make this up to you.

Well, this is my weekend with Doug,

but I've got tickets
to see Lana Del Rey

with our former nanny Jessica.

She's 24.
So as a form of settlement,

maybe this weekend you can
put together a tree house

I don't want to deal with.

Fine. If that's what
I have to do to make this right,

then Peter and my children will
build your son's tree house.

Deal.

All right, I guess now the four men

awkwardly sit here while
my mom gives your mom

a tour of the house
that doesn't deserve one.

And this is
a room adjacent to the room

- we were just in.
- Ooh, what a fun house.

Okay, Mrs. Griffin,
tell me what you see.

Um, I see a cow in a lab coat,

some vultures in a cowboy hat,

and a dog trying to trick
a cat into a clothes dryer.

Just as I thought.
You're Far-Sided.

Oh, no.
What-what do I do about it?

Oh, well, I'm no doctor,
but I would say

you either need to get glasses
or maybe LASIK.

Is that the surgery people get
and then tell everybody they got it?

Yes, it's the veganism
of elective surgery.

If you're unsure of what to do,

here's a video of Radiohead front man

and super weirdo Thom Yorke
to help you decide.

Hello, I'm Thom Yorke.

You might know me
from Radiohead

or my passing resemblance
to a melting Tilda Swinton.

Not many people know
that I'm blind in one eye.

Can you guess which one?

- This is awful.
- Wait, just give it a few minutes.

- All his stuff starts kind of slow.
- Fine, I'll get the LASIK.

Great. Make an appointment
with my nurse.

Now here's a lollipop
from the Sackler family

that says, "Sowwy."

In the future,
we won't even need our eyes.

Computers will see for us.

Oh, now you're a doctor?
I guess I'm a singer now.

? Tra-la-la-la-la. ?
I'm Casey Kasem.

That was Elmer
Hartman peaking at number 32 with

"I Hate Computers."

Mrs. Griffin,
the surgery was a success.

And by that,
I mean the hospital agreed

to take your Discover card.

Plus, we'll get one percent
of that back,

which is basically
like getting nothing.

Oh, my God... I'm blind.

What do you mean you're blind?

- Y-You can't see me right now?
- No!

But you can still see, like,
the stove and laundry, right?

- But, Mom, we got you a balloo...
- Shh, shh, shh.

She doesn't
know about the balloon.

Don't worry, Lois, we'll be
right by your side

the whole time, and not outside
playing with a balloon.

I love you, balloon.

Oh-oh, oh, no, no!
I'm coming, balloon!

Don't tell
your mother about this.

Don't worry, Lois,
I went blind a while back.

It was cool.
They're some of the last people

you can still make fun of.

- Dad!
- It's fine, they won't see this.

Dr. Hartman, you said
there was very little risk

to LASIK, but now I am blind.

- How did this happen?
- Okay, look, this isn't my fault.

It was Take-Your-Cat-
To-Work day.

Dr. Hartman, what does this
mean, you know, for me?

Well, whatever your wife
did for you,

you'll now have to do for yourselves.

And until she gets used
to her new life,

you'll need to take care of her.

Feed her, bathe her,
drive her places.

- They're gone, aren't they?
- They left, yes.

There they are.
I thought we said 10:00 sharp,

but we must have said 10:18.

No one's fault, but going forward,

let's make sure we respect
each other's time, hmm?

- You must be Chris.
- I must?

You know, we have
a friend in common:

- Mr. Herbert.
- How do you know Mr. Herbert?

We're friends. Sometimes
he comes to my art shows,

and we get ice cream after.

Let me guess,
he takes you to the park

where the swings go really high?

- He does!
- Uh-huh.

That'll stop.
And the ice cream?

Don't get used to it.

I've seen a thousand of you.
I've outlasted them.

I'll outlast you.

Okay, uh, my dad left
a note for you, Mr. Griffin.

"Griffins, build this tree house
for my son.

"He will love it for a year,
until my housekeeper

"moves into it, even though
it doesn't have electricity

"or running water.

She walked here from
Guatemala. She'll be fine."

Let's get started, boys.

Aw, man, this is gonna be more work

than when I built that
Habitat for Sean Hannity.

As you can see, we've
made everything white,

like you requested.

Here's a room to recover
from your sodium headaches,

and on the walls, I painted
some of your most famous quotes.

There's the one where
you compared

the homosexual lifestyle
to playing in the sewer,

and there's the one where
you defended Roy Moore.

- Nice.
- Uh-huh.

And here's a room where you can
blame things on an immigrant.

Hey, nothing personal,
I just peddle hate for money.

We now return to Blindflix,

the streaming service for blind people.

I can't believe it's
the year 2034,

Earth is uninhabitable,
and we're hurtling through space

to find a place for humanity
to start again.

Thankfully, we are Chris Evans
and Vanessa Hudgens,

and have sexy bodies that will
make beautiful

racially nuanced babies.
I love you, Chris Evans.

I love you, too, Vanessa Hudgens.
Kiss me.

Ah, this show is so sexy.

How you doing, Mom?
Do you need to go poopies?

Meg, please stop asking me that.

I'm sorry, I just...
I hate being so dependent

on other people.
I feel helpless and worthless.

I get it. I feel helpless
and worthless 24-sevs.

How do you deal with it?

Cutting, minor arson,
and sometimes I post

empowerment videos on YouTube.

Empowerment videos?

I thought YouTube went
out of business.

Uh, what am I thinking of?

- Circuit City.
- Yes.

Here. The camera's on.

Just getting your feelings out
will make you feel better.

Oh, okay.
Um... hello.

Uh, my name is Lois Griffin,
and I... am blind.

Uh, I went to the hospital
for a simple surgery

and woke up in the ICU.

But the irony was
I couldn't see you.

I couldn't see anyone or anything.

Even the people closest to me
who need to be seen the most.

So now I suppose
if I want to see again,

I'll have to listen more

and-and feel more
and focus on what's on

the inside and not what
I can see on the outside.

Okay, that's all for now.

Mom, that was incredible.
You really spoke to me.

Who-Who's that?
Is that Lois?

Peter, I'm the one who's blind.

Sorry, I-I'm still getting
used to things.

I can't believe
Doug's dad texted me

and said we had to come
to Doug's T-ball game

- or he was gonna sue us.
- Looks like they got Big League Chew.

Yeah, I saw that. I saw that
they got Big League Chew.

Ah, the baseball field.
Good memories.

Lost my v-card here
with Jennifer Jason Leigh

in that dugout right over there.

That was Fast Times.

Yeah, fast for her, maybe.
I took a while.

Excuse me. What happened to
your big trip to Providence?

Good morning, sports fans.

You ready to witness
the epitome of excellence?

Check this out.

Oh. Ball one.

Look, spaz,
hold the bat like this,

and then step into it
as you swing forward.

I did it!
Thanks, Mr. Griffin.

- I'm leaving.
- Come on, Chris.

Don't be mad.
My plans changed.

- Oh, hey, Doug.
- Are you kidding me?!

Mom, you won't believe
what happened.

Your video went viral.

Oh, does that mean
Circuit City's back?

No, it means your ICU video
really connected with people.

You're helping people
who feel unseen, Mom.

Like me.
You're everywhere.

Okay, so what am I supposed
to do now?

- Make another video.
- Hi, Lois, I didn't get a monkey.

Off to see Bananarama. Bye.

? I'm your Venus... ?

Well, it's not what I thought
it was gonna be either.

Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts.

What's going on?
Who are these people?

My team.
ICU has exploded.

There's ICU Fashion, ICU Skincare,

ICU Health.
It is a gold mine.

Okay, but what does any
of this have to do with

seeing people for
who they really are?

Oh, pfft, who cares about that?

I do! ICU was an idea
I could really believe in,

and you're ruining it.

I'm not ruining it, I'm expanding it.

You know, I'm the one
who went blind, Meg.

I'm the one who's suffering.

Now the least I can do is
make some money from it.

Now stand back.
It's time to make another video.

Hello, Seers, Lois here.

You know, sometimes the darkness
gets overwhelming,

and that's when I turn
to ICU Essential Oils.

It calms you before sleep,
or you can cook chicken in it.

Oh, my God.

I can see.

Oh, God, but if anybody finds out,
it'll ruin my ICU brand.

Ugh. Peter told me
he'd been doing laundry.

You know, now I'm even wondering if

he lost those 75 pounds like he said.

What's that, Lois?
I'm just on the spin bike.

Got a good sweat going.

Boy, you're right,
Sarah loves those hills.

- Okay, here's the microphone.
- Yeah, I see it.

I-I mean, oh, thank you.
Uh, I-is that Meg?

Mom, what's going on with you?

Nothing.
Especially my eyesight.

I am still very, very blind.

Thank you all for coming today.

I can't see you,
because I'm blind,

but ICU.

Please be sure to try out
our new colonic partnership

with increasingly irrelevant
rapper Eminem,

the Eminenema.

It promises to clear out
"8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti.

It goes in slim clear
and comes out slim shady.

Thank you, I'm blind.

That was incredible, Lois.

You're a real inspiration.

My name is
Wanda Keptmymaidenname,

and I work for Helen.

Helen Disingenuous, the
beloved daytime talk show host

who gives millions away
to those in need

and is still somehow loathed?

Well, "loathed" is a little bit
exactly right, but yes.

I'm here, Lois, because
Helen has been following

your success and would
love to make it her own.

Would you consider being
a guest on our show?

Oh, my gosh, really?
That's amazing.

So I get to go to Hollywood?

We actually tape the show
in Burbank.

Oh. What's the difference?

That's hilarious.

I'll have someone who makes
a lot less money than me

- set everything up.
- Meg, can you believe it?

This is gonna take ICU global.

I'll be more popular than
a Robert Redford clip.

Hey, guys.
My dad made you another list.

"Teach Doug to ride a bike,
bake cookies,

listen to his Archer impression."

This is ridiculous!
We're not doing any of this.

I don't know, I kind of want
to hear his Archer impression.

Yeah, I'm curious.

I'm an international spy,
but I also do mundane things.

Okay, all right.
That's-that's pretty good.

But that's it! No more.

Then I guess my dad
will just have to sue you.

You know what?
Go ahead and sue us.

I mean, look at this guy.
What do you think you're gonna get?

- We came here in his dog's car.
- But... we had a deal.

Well, the deal's off.
I'll call your dad myself.

No, don't.

What the...?

It was you making us do all that stuff.

- You made fools of us, Doug!
- Get him.

Dad, help.

I'm not Dad.
I'm Pete the Pirate.

God, I already told you.

Why did you do it? Why did
you make us do all that stuff

For this. I did it for this.

What? What do you mean?

I don't have
a dog or a brother.

Or even a father, really.

But these past few days
I felt like I've had all that.

I'm sorry, but I didn't know
any other way

to get you to spend time with me.

Doug, there you are.
Thank God!

Hey, I got your message
about the miscarriage.

- So, Saturday night?
- What a dick.

You know what?
I'm gonna go poop in his shoes.

- You'd do that for me?
- Sure I will, buddy.

Hang on, Brian.
I got one in the chamber.

- I'll join you.
- Thanks, guys.

I guess that just leaves us.

Look, I think you're
a total garbage person.

- Same.
- And being nice to you goes against

- everything I stand for.
- Same.

Okay, don't be the person
who just says "same,"

like it's a real response.

You know what, let's just
hate each other in public

and maybe not hate each other
as much in private.

- Like George and Kellyanne Conway?
- What is up with those two?

Ah, this is really gonna put
ICU over the top, Meg.

I am gonna be rich.

Now, which one is better,
the blue or the green?

Wait, how do you know
what colors they are?

Mom, you can see? I knew it.

Okay, fine.
Yes, I can see.

I can't believe
you've been lying. Why?

Don't you get it?
I have to be blind

to keep the money rolling in.

Nobody's gonna be inspired
by a middle-aged, cisgendered,

- able-bodied white woman.
- Or man.

Now, you keep
your mouth shut, or I will...

- Knock knock.
- Helen, is that you?

Oh, I'm so blind.

I just wanted to say hello,
welcome you to the show.

Have you been to Burbank before?

- Never.
- Oh, well, while you're waiting,

check out this video I made
for the Burbank Tourism Association.

Welcome to
beautiful Burbank, California,

home of more year-round
Halloween stores

than any other city
in the world.

Do you like Jack in the Box?
Then you're in luck.

We've got six of them.

If you've ever wanted to visit a place

where you can hear the
freeway from literally

every spot in town,
then Burbank is for you.

Want to do drugs
in an empty swimming pool

with a couch in it?

Want to see what you imagine
an affluent neighborhood

in Honduras looks like?

You can do all of that and
so much more in Burbank.

We're here with Lois Griffin,
founder of ICU

and an inspiration to millions
of easily persuadable women.

So, Lois, I understand,
in addition to everything else,

you've started the ICU Foundation.

That's right, Helen.

You know, you haven't
really made it until

you're able to convince
rich people to give you

money for a nebulous and
undefined important cause.

And what will your foundation focus on?

Women's issues.

And the environment.

Refugees.

Well, we support you,

so we've got a surprise for you.

Oh, my God!
Reese Witherspoon?!

I love her!

Lois, how did you know
it was Reese Witherspoon

- if you can't see?
- Ah.

Um, that's-that's just,
um, what I say

when I'm excited.
Reese Witherspoon!

- Lois, are you actually blind?
- Yes. I mean...

No.

I was blind when I started ICU,

but I got my sight back
a few days ago.

I just wanted to make
a difference and, you know,

maybe get money from
sympathetic strangers. I'm sorry.

Hey, y'all, can I put
this big ole check down?

My arms ain't but small sticks.

Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon,
you big phony.

There's no way you've read
all those books

you slap your sticker on.

Well, Lois, you've disappointed
a lot of people here today.

And since this is daytime TV,

you'll have to stand trial
on a Black judge show.

Lois Griffin, I find you guilty,

and I sentence you
to pay your roommate back

for his dog food,

or whatever dumb [bleep]
this one's about.

Well, Lois, I'm glad
you're not blind anymore.

Oh, me, too. I just wish
I'd handled it better.

Hey, we should get
to go to Hollywood.

- Burbank.
- What's the difference?

Oh, boy, I'll show you.

Want to get your car
washed by a former Nickelodeon star?

Want to take an improv class
from an instructor

you have to drive home after?

You can in Burbank.

Buy a house with a second floor
no one got permits for,

and then watch the 98-degree
winter nights tick by

through rusty bars on your windows.

Share a duplex with
that guy from that thing.

Pay L.A. prices for Orlando amenities

in Burbank.

sync & correction by f1nc0
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