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1
00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:10,509
(shuts off engine)
2
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:15,764
Welcome back, sir.
3
00:00:16,925 --> 00:00:19,059
(indistinct chatter)
4
00:00:24,007 --> 00:00:25,357
Oh, Artemis,
5
00:00:25,509 --> 00:00:27,192
you wouldn't believe
what my customers
6
00:00:27,344 --> 00:00:28,676
unloaded on me tonight.
7
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,104
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,
8
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,681
crappy sports teams.
(groans)
9
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,425
My ears are killin' me.
10
00:00:35,519 --> 00:00:37,611
That's why the Confidential
is here,
11
00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:38,945
to share your burden.
12
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,447
Just give me the usual, huh?
13
00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:43,667
(chuckles)
As if we served anything else.
14
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,455
(sipping)
15
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,773
(sighing)
16
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:51,108
To the Confidential,
17
00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:54,136
the one bar where they listen
to the listeners.
18
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,949
Come on. We got to get a seat
in the front row.
19
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,210
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.
20
00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:04,805
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way
21
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:07,882
we can seat this audience until
we round up all the escaped,
22
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,985
uh, you-know-whats.
23
00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:13,313
-(hissing)
-(yelling)
24
00:01:13,465 --> 00:01:15,649
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.
25
00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:19,661
I'm going down to the deli
to drown my sorrows in tongue.
26
00:01:20,989 --> 00:01:22,306
(Milhouse groans)
27
00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:25,659
What about this upside-down
exclamation mark show?
28
00:01:25,811 --> 00:01:28,087
Upside down is funny.
29
00:01:29,815 --> 00:01:32,165
-(playing "Flight
of the Bumblebee")
-Desde Downtown Springfield,
30
00:01:32,318 --> 00:01:35,168
es ¡Noches con Abejorrito!
31
00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:37,745
¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!
32
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,490
(cheering)
33
00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:43,936
¡No se duerman, o les voy a picar!
34
00:01:44,163 --> 00:01:45,437
(laughing)
35
00:01:45,589 --> 00:01:47,922
Milhouse, you know Spanish.
What did he say?
36
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:50,091
Oh, it's a cultural thing.
37
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:53,353
You wouldn't get it. Estúpido.
38
00:01:53,505 --> 00:01:57,007
...y luego, había un escorpión en mis pantalones.
39
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,601
(laughs)
Pantalones.
40
00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:01,787
(siren wailing)
41
00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,956
¡Una visita de mi primito!
42
00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:07,367
Eso significa que es tiempo de jugar...
43
00:02:07,519 --> 00:02:10,871
¡No... Te... 'splotes!
44
00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:13,190
Presentado por la Monja Humilde,
45
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,208
la horchata más divina.
46
00:02:15,361 --> 00:02:18,554
Hermanas, traigame unos concursantes.
47
00:02:21,533 --> 00:02:23,225
¡Ay, caramba!
48
00:02:25,053 --> 00:02:28,038
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,
49
00:02:28,131 --> 00:02:30,482
and if you don't laugh,
you win a prize!
50
00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:36,155
¡O, Bebito Abuelito!
51
00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:37,680
(cheering, laughing)
52
00:02:38,717 --> 00:02:43,220
¿Cuáles son las vacas más perezosas?
53
00:02:43,238 --> 00:02:45,906
¡Las vacaciones!
54
00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:46,981
(spitting)
55
00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:48,892
(laughing)
56
00:02:48,911 --> 00:02:51,486
¡Nuestro ganador!
57
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,754
(cheering)
58
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,592
Pick your prize!
59
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,345
(audience booing)
60
00:03:01,256 --> 00:03:04,016
♪ ♪
61
00:03:07,579 --> 00:03:11,915
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.
62
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:14,751
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!
63
00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:16,436
(spits)
64
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,754
Oh, my God.
65
00:03:17,847 --> 00:03:19,773
That is not
just any crystal skull.
66
00:03:19,925 --> 00:03:21,425
It's Calavera Gritando!
67
00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:23,184
That tequila's so authentic
68
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:24,870
that it inspired George Clooney
69
00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:27,855
to make his own
semi-authentic tequila.
70
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:29,708
Wait, my skull is full of booze?
71
00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:31,877
That's why it has a screw cap.
72
00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:33,286
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.
73
00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,363
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough
74
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,883
to come in a bottle
that doesn't look like a bottle.
75
00:03:38,034 --> 00:03:40,034
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.
76
00:03:40,128 --> 00:03:41,202
For high school.
77
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,279
Come on. Gimme that!
78
00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:44,130
Bart won that skull
full of tequila.
79
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,708
He can do
whatever he wants with it,
80
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,301
except drink the tequila.
81
00:03:48,454 --> 00:03:50,545
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.
82
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,806
(cackling)
83
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:53,957
(yelps)
84
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:56,735
(audience cheering on TV)
85
00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:59,029
(Homer grunting)
86
00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:03,742
Huh? (moans)
87
00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:06,636
ANNOUNCER: Coming up now, we got a special dedication
88
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:09,139
to Homer S. from his son Bart.
89
00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:11,491
("Tequila" playing)
90
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,994
I like how there are no lyrics
to upset me.
91
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,296
(singing along)
92
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,575
♪ Tequila. ♪
93
00:04:20,669 --> 00:04:22,577
D'oh!
94
00:04:22,671 --> 00:04:24,012
(tires screech)
95
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,266
Isn't that your dad?
96
00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:29,059
No.
97
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,148
(speaking Spanish)
98
00:04:36,168 --> 00:04:36,683
(snickers)
99
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,184
I may not speak Spanish,
100
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:42,030
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.
101
00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:58,463
(cackling quietly)
102
00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:00,281
Gentlemen,
103
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:03,951
I give you Calavera Gritando!
104
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,712
(all gasping)
105
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,531
Whoa, a crystal skull.
106
00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:10,033
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie
107
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:12,644
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.
108
00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,646
Okay, this booze is so classy,
109
00:05:14,798 --> 00:05:16,222
I'm finally breaking out
110
00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:18,892
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.
111
00:05:19,044 --> 00:05:19,985
(blows)
112
00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:21,711
Look at these guys.
113
00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:23,405
Now, those were hostages.
114
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:29,811
Hey, Moe, why don't you pour
yourself one for a change?
115
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,997
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.
116
00:05:32,224 --> 00:05:34,982
The pouring
is enough of a thrill.
117
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,577
Come on. You're
always on that side of the bar.
118
00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:40,263
At least come over here
and take a load off.
119
00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:43,216
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.
120
00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:45,010
(shudders)
121
00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:46,586
So this is sittin'.
122
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,680
You know, Moe, all these years,
123
00:05:48,907 --> 00:05:49,923
we've never seen you drink.
124
00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:51,257
Well, you know, a bartender
125
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,000
ain't supposed to drink
with his regulars.
126
00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,335
It's frowned upon.
127
00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:55,187
By whom?
128
00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:57,097
Not some secret society
129
00:05:57,249 --> 00:05:58,932
that I go to every night
after closing time,
130
00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:00,417
if that's what you're thinking.
131
00:06:00,435 --> 00:06:03,010
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.
132
00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:04,178
That's all.
133
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:06,848
Moe, you're not just
our bartender.
134
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,183
You're our friend.
135
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,018
Friend? You mean that?
136
00:06:11,113 --> 00:06:14,373
Well, maybe it's just
my relaxed butt cheeks talking,
137
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,190
but, uh, down the hatch!
138
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,043
Woof.
(chuckles)
139
00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,712
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth
140
00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:22,606
since my dad's gun.
141
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:23,790
(laughs)
142
00:06:23,942 --> 00:06:25,700
-(laughing)
-Yeah. Go, Moe.
143
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:26,943
-Go, Moe.
-Now you got it.
144
00:06:26,962 --> 00:06:28,762
(cackling)
145
00:06:37,422 --> 00:06:40,732
I think you're pretty cool, too,
skull.
146
00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:43,026
♪ ♪
147
00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:49,149
(groans)
Oh, my head.
148
00:06:49,301 --> 00:06:51,368
Oh, what a hangover.
149
00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,246
(grunting)
150
00:06:54,397 --> 00:06:56,665
Ah, that's actually
a little better.
151
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,233
Hmm.
152
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,477
Oh, no.
153
00:07:00,495 --> 00:07:03,997
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.
154
00:07:04,149 --> 00:07:06,258
("Tequila" playing)
155
00:07:06,485 --> 00:07:08,510
(shouting)
156
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,414
-Whoa! Yeah!
-Yay!
157
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,434
♪ ♪
158
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,441
Let's go show the world
how much fun it is
159
00:07:22,668 --> 00:07:25,502
when drunk guys do stuff
in public!
160
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,187
Baba-boo!
161
00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:30,115
♪ ♪
162
00:07:34,696 --> 00:07:36,663
♪ ♪
163
00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:40,942
(groaning, barking)
164
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,519
(snorting)
165
00:07:42,612 --> 00:07:45,505
(barking, snorting)
166
00:07:47,693 --> 00:07:49,468
Excuse me, could you move?
167
00:07:49,695 --> 00:07:52,028
My husband and I would like
to sit on this bench
168
00:07:52,047 --> 00:07:55,532
and comment on how the elephant
seals are "living the life."
169
00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:58,034
It's the only joke
in our entire marriage.
170
00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:00,553
Oh, that's not what I hear.
171
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,372
The real joke is that you two
172
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,874
haven't pushed
the ole twin beds together
173
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,651
since before the election.
174
00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:08,302
Of Obama.
175
00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:09,488
To the Senate!
176
00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:11,064
(laughing)
177
00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:13,383
How'd you know
about their sexless marriage?
178
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:16,720
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,
179
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:17,979
who then told me.
180
00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:20,223
Hey, wait,
you bartenders tell each other
181
00:08:20,316 --> 00:08:23,059
the stuff we say
in drunken confidence?
182
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,577
Oh, we sure do.
183
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:26,004
Look what else I know.
184
00:08:26,231 --> 00:08:30,157
You file your taxes
as one person.
185
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,828
You sell all your pets
each time you go on vacation.
186
00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:35,572
Hey, you're two-timing us
187
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:38,183
by also being the mayor
of another town.
188
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:41,261
I swear,
Greenview means nothing to me.
189
00:08:41,413 --> 00:08:43,413
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,
190
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:45,248
but maybe
you shouldn't be spilling
191
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,359
-people's secrets.
-Secrets.
192
00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:50,603
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years
193
00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:54,032
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?
194
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,442
What woman
could feel held by these?
195
00:08:56,537 --> 00:09:00,855
Or how you keep yammering about
your million-dollar invention?
196
00:09:00,949 --> 00:09:03,024
File the patent already,
you coward.
197
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,859
Or how 'bout Barney over here?
198
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,362
Always going on about
how much you
love
your mother,
199
00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,865
but you haven't visited her
in years.
200
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:13,109
She still thinks
I work at Autozone.
201
00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:18,056
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!
202
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:24,211
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.
203
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,880
You judging me?
204
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,791
You're the one who said
you're so scared
205
00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:29,809
of being a lousy father
and husband
206
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,311
that you hide out at the bar
207
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:34,239
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.
208
00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:35,991
(gasps)
209
00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:40,136
You're worse than a mean drunk.
210
00:09:40,155 --> 00:09:42,229
You're an honest drunk!
211
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,565
No! You guys are the drunks.
212
00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:47,477
I am just wasted.
213
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,337
Baba-boo.
214
00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:52,424
Okay, Moe.
215
00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:55,318
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.
216
00:09:55,337 --> 00:09:58,579
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.
217
00:09:58,673 --> 00:09:59,639
(squeaking)
218
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,084
(gasps)
The Confidential.
219
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,177
They found out.
220
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,087
All right there, Kristof.
221
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,514
Time for me to answer
for my sins.
222
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,834
Lead the way.
223
00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:13,445
Frickin' Kristof.
224
00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:16,948
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.
225
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,659
Look, I know I screwed up,
but that...
226
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,529
ARTEMIS: Since time immemorial,
227
00:10:23,698 --> 00:10:26,349
bartenders have beenthe cornerstone of civilization,
228
00:10:26,368 --> 00:10:28,776
an eternal guild of listeners.
229
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,478
And so a paradox:
230
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,447
for to whom could bartenders confide their secrets?
231
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,283
Thus was born the Confidential,
232
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:40,180
a hidden society of those who listen to the listeners.
233
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:44,033
But this institution
will crumble to dust
234
00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:46,311
if we do not obey
its first and only law--
235
00:10:46,462 --> 00:10:49,314
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"
236
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,876
Look, Artemis, I know
I shouldn't have got wasted
237
00:10:52,894 --> 00:10:54,635
and blabbed the unblabbable.
238
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:58,715
It's just, for once, I wanted
to have a drink with my friends.
239
00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,717
A bartender has no friends!
240
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:03,887
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.
241
00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:05,312
Surrender your key, sir.
242
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,499
Well, them's the rules, I guess.
243
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,316
It was nice being part
of a place
244
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,245
that was bigger than me
and also super weird.
245
00:11:12,397 --> 00:11:13,838
Uh-- What the...
246
00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:17,175
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.
247
00:11:17,402 --> 00:11:20,586
Your friends,
your regulars are to be...
248
00:11:20,739 --> 00:11:22,013
cut off.
249
00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:24,182
(glass breaking)
250
00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:26,075
Cut off?! No.
No, that's too horrible.
251
00:11:26,094 --> 00:11:28,002
You can't do that to them!
252
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,246
You did this to them.
253
00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,582
They have
until the clock strikes...
254
00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:35,101
happy hour.
255
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,512
Tick, tock, Mr. Szyslak. Tick, tock.
256
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:40,699
Guys, you're all in danger!
You...
257
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:43,760
Oh, sorry. I've never been
in your office before.
258
00:11:43,853 --> 00:11:45,186
Any office, for that matter.
259
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,780
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.
260
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,356
You've got a lot of nerve
coming here,
261
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,543
after what you said last night.
262
00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:53,712
I know, I know,
but this is serious, okay?
263
00:11:53,863 --> 00:11:55,714
Some very scary people are mad
264
00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:57,790
for all that drunken blabbing
I did,
265
00:11:57,943 --> 00:12:00,109
so you're being... cut off!
266
00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:03,370
So what? You already lost us
as customers.
267
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,706
No, no, you don't get it.
Cut off.
268
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,058
Aah. There isn't much time,
269
00:12:07,285 --> 00:12:09,285
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.
270
00:12:09,378 --> 00:12:11,045
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?
271
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,713
Barney doesn't work here.
272
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,399
Really? Seems like he would.
273
00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:16,851
Yeah, that would lead
to some good stories, all right.
274
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,903
Hurry, call him. Call him!
275
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:21,147
Mm. Fine.
276
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:25,635
Well, if it isn't the meanest drunk in town.
277
00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:27,579
Barn, it's happy hour.
278
00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:30,231
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!
279
00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:33,251
During the best time of day
for ocean breezes?
280
00:12:33,402 --> 00:12:34,919
-No dice.
-Look out for the dapper gentleman!
281
00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:37,905
Ow! Damn vampire bats!
282
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,148
What the hell was that?
283
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,242
He's been injected
with Antibooze--
284
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:45,246
a drug that makes it
so he can never drink again.
285
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,432
Antibooze?
That stuff isn't real.
286
00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:49,993
Oh, it's real, and
the side effects are horrible,
287
00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:51,344
unthinkable!
288
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,846
It starts with
a skull-splitting headache.
289
00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:56,232
(yelling)
290
00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:02,030
Then you got
your firehose sweating.
291
00:13:03,675 --> 00:13:05,450
Rhinoceros pox.
292
00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:09,512
And finally, hurricane vomiting.
293
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:13,041
(liquid pouringand prolonged yelling on screen)
294
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,798
(sighs)
He's been cut off.
295
00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:21,782
And now they're coming for you.
296
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:25,545
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.
297
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,138
No! No!
298
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:29,641
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?
299
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,200
Never again.
300
00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,478
No!
301
00:13:39,727 --> 00:13:41,694
(buzzing)
302
00:13:50,572 --> 00:13:54,574
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.
303
00:13:54,726 --> 00:13:58,086
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!
304
00:13:59,731 --> 00:14:02,415
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?
305
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:06,419
How many people in this town are
miserable at work and at home?
306
00:14:06,571 --> 00:14:08,263
Oh, my God.
307
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,425
You guys, get out of here!
308
00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,995
I'll hold 'em off... with this.
309
00:14:33,631 --> 00:14:36,291
(grunting)
310
00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:48,277
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.
311
00:14:48,296 --> 00:14:50,555
That disgusting towel is a blur!
312
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,968
(panting)
313
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,304
(Moe grunts,
electrical buzzing)
314
00:14:58,456 --> 00:14:59,564
(electrical buzzing
and snapping)
315
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:01,958
(all panting)
316
00:15:01,976 --> 00:15:03,809
This is no way to live.
317
00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,886
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.
318
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,980
What are we supposed to do now?
319
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:09,556
If you ever want to drink again,
320
00:15:09,651 --> 00:15:12,059
all you can do is get
on the next bus out of town
321
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,636
and never stop running.
322
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:15,288
Sounds like a plan.
323
00:15:16,824 --> 00:15:17,916
(both grunt)
324
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,067
(moaning)
325
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,337
(speaking German)
326
00:15:25,316 --> 00:15:27,166
Those poor bastards.
327
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:29,318
I must keen for them.
328
00:15:29,412 --> 00:15:31,679
(loud, sorrowful keening)
329
00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:34,840
Forget it, Homer.
330
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,143
They're non-drinkers now.
331
00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:41,088
Marge, pack what you need
and choose one kid.
332
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,756
We're leaving
Springfield forever.
333
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:44,758
That's ridiculous, Homie.
334
00:15:44,852 --> 00:15:46,669
Look who dropped by for dinner.
335
00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:48,095
Hello, Homer.
336
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,097
Dad, Dr. Hibbert was just
telling us
337
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,508
how he worked his way
through medical school.
338
00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:55,178
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.
339
00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:58,122
-I would?
-Bartending.
340
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,753
(screaming)
341
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,374
Who wants mushroom caps?
342
00:16:08,526 --> 00:16:10,026
(screams)
343
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:11,544
I'm so sorry, Homer.
344
00:16:11,696 --> 00:16:14,380
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,
345
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,599
and it's all because of me.
(cries)
346
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:20,353
(cheering)
347
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:23,648
Good morning, family.
348
00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:25,632
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
349
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:29,153
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?
350
00:16:29,305 --> 00:16:31,322
Not today, honey.
I promised to pick up coffee
351
00:16:31,549 --> 00:16:34,400
for everyone on my team
to celebrate our record numbers.
352
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,162
You are so much more of a
go-getter since your promotion.
353
00:16:38,314 --> 00:16:40,981
I love this new, sober you.
354
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,984
And I love any version of you.
355
00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,895
Mmm, mmm.
356
00:16:45,913 --> 00:16:47,563
-(coughing)
-Get a room!
357
00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:50,491
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.
358
00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:52,010
And don't worry, Lisa.
359
00:16:52,161 --> 00:16:53,827
It'll be over in plenty of time
360
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,422
for me to be front
and center at your recital.
361
00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,516
Ooh! (sputtering)
362
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:01,260
(giggling)
363
00:17:01,412 --> 00:17:03,688
Well, off to the salt mines.
364
00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:05,273
(humming cheerily)
365
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,102
Well, this is a coincidence.
366
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,698
I haven't seen you guys
since, uh, you know.
367
00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:16,759
Geez, it would've had
to have been the syringings?
368
00:17:16,778 --> 00:17:20,187
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day
369
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,689
really freed up a lot of time
for me to work out.
370
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,602
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my start-up got funded.
371
00:17:26,621 --> 00:17:29,955
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal
372
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,050
body-hair-shaving mini robot.
373
00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:33,793
That's you? (gasps)
374
00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,720
I love my Groomba!
375
00:17:35,871 --> 00:17:37,371
(buzzing)
376
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:39,873
And I got my job back
at Autozone,
377
00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,893
so I could finally face my ma.
378
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:45,805
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."
379
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,048
Yeah, I guess
we're all doing pretty well.
380
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,642
You know who I heard ain't?
381
00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,718
A certain bartender.
382
00:17:51,813 --> 00:17:53,738
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.
383
00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:55,981
It would be nice
to laugh at someone
384
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,993
living their lowest moment.
385
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,083
I asked for the ham
in my omelet to be diced.
386
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,343
This ham is clearly cubed.
387
00:18:07,345 --> 00:18:09,979
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, right away, ma'am.
388
00:18:09,997 --> 00:18:11,981
You flipped my omelet too high
in the air,
389
00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,925
and it got cold on the descent.
390
00:18:14,076 --> 00:18:17,011
My mistake, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
391
00:18:20,158 --> 00:18:23,601
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggs-on-demand low.
392
00:18:23,752 --> 00:18:27,355
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.
393
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:31,609
Get out of here.
You can't see me like this.
394
00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:36,155
Slingin' eggs in a well-lit,
non-dank environment.
395
00:18:41,863 --> 00:18:43,955
I can't believe
I'm saying this.
396
00:18:44,182 --> 00:18:45,848
We're all saying it.
397
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:48,017
Even though
we can never drink again,
398
00:18:48,035 --> 00:18:50,962
we still want you
as our bartender.
399
00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:53,038
You... you mean it?
400
00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:54,707
-Yeah.
-We do.
-Mm-hmm.
401
00:18:54,859 --> 00:18:59,637
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.
402
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,267
(cheering)
403
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,063
There you go, fellas.
Bottoms up.
404
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,983
To Moe, our friend.
405
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,560
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.
406
00:19:14,712 --> 00:19:16,245
Your bartender.
407
00:19:16,247 --> 00:19:18,156
Who knew
you could drink water in a bar?
408
00:19:18,307 --> 00:19:20,232
It's, uh, still watered down.
409
00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:22,493
-(laughter)
-Good one, Moe.
410
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,738
(laughter continues)
411
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,557
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation
412
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,168
of the human spirit.
413
00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:33,579
A cocktail of humility
and self-sacrifice
414
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,898
with a dash of un-bitters.
415
00:19:35,991 --> 00:19:37,400
(chuckles)
416
00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:39,568
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?
417
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:42,905
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.
418
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,499
The antidote to Antibooze.
419
00:19:45,593 --> 00:19:47,076
(all gasping)
420
00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:49,578
Now, think carefully, chaps.
421
00:19:49,672 --> 00:19:54,066
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.
422
00:19:59,924 --> 00:20:02,116
Go away, Ma.
423
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,994
(gulping)
424
00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:09,540
I'm sorry. I can't go back.
425
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:12,710
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.
426
00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:15,338
Now I'm going home to my family.
427
00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:26,098
(whirring)
428
00:20:28,877 --> 00:20:29,835
Hmm?
429
00:20:29,987 --> 00:20:31,979
(whimpering)
430
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,192
(buzzing)
431
00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,992
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?
432
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,294
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.
433
00:20:57,498 --> 00:20:59,148
♪ ♪
434
00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:01,484
(evil cackling)
435
00:21:01,502 --> 00:21:03,469
(speaking Spanish)
436
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,726
(evil cackling)
437
00:21:13,998 --> 00:21:15,514
(panting)
438
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:20,002
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
439
00:21:20,021 --> 00:21:24,006
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
440
00:21:24,025 --> 00:21:27,768
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
441
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:32,206
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
442
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:58,441
Shh!
32547
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