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1
00:00:03,316 --> 00:00:05,416
No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler.
2
00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:08,150
Why? Because you're not
welcome there anymore.
3
00:00:08,183 --> 00:00:12,253
You took half the dessert bar
home in your purse.
4
00:00:13,266 --> 00:00:15,826
I know it's all you can eat...
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,996
at the restaurant!
6
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,133
All right, bye.
7
00:00:19,166 --> 00:00:21,376
Oh, it's always
the same thing with her
on Mother's Day.
8
00:00:21,416 --> 00:00:23,446
We always have to go
where she wants to go.
9
00:00:23,483 --> 00:00:26,153
Be grateful
she just wanted you
to take her to
dinner.
10
00:00:26,183 --> 00:00:27,283
My mother
always
insisted
11
00:00:27,316 --> 00:00:28,466
I take her to Bath.
12
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,830
To Bath?
13
00:00:30,116 --> 00:00:31,276
Oh, boy.
14
00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:34,166
My Aunt Polly used
to take her son Sheldon
15
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,500
in the tub with her
until he was 6.
16
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:40,430
P.S. They both ended up
on a very specialGeraldo.
17
00:00:41,466 --> 00:00:43,466
Bath is a
town
in England.
18
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,120
Well, I don't care
where you did it.
19
00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:47,130
It's still weird.
20
00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:49,466
Meanwhile, you want to know
what I'm doing for my
mother?
21
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:54,830
I got all the old home movies
and I'm gonna put 'em on tape.
22
00:00:54,116 --> 00:00:57,826
I only wish that they had sound
so I could hear myself talk.
23
00:00:57,116 --> 00:00:58,476
Be careful what you wish for.
24
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,350
Oh...
25
00:01:00,383 --> 00:01:02,473
You know,
I hate to bring this up,
26
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,250
but what do they do
for Mother's Day around here?
27
00:01:05,283 --> 00:01:07,473
We don't mention it.
28
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,150
Well, if you want
my opinion...
29
00:01:10,183 --> 00:01:12,273
I said, if you want
my opinion...
30
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,320
Desperately.
31
00:01:14,350 --> 00:01:16,330
I don't think it's normal.
32
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,100
I mean, they all act
as if Sarah never existed.
33
00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:20,153
You know, in my house,
34
00:01:20,183 --> 00:01:21,353
if we didn't talk
about the dead,
35
00:01:21,383 --> 00:01:23,203
we'd have nothing
to talk about...
36
00:01:24,216 --> 00:01:25,326
except food.
37
00:01:25,366 --> 00:01:28,166
Great thing about funerals.
You get both.
38
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,330
Well, Mr. Sheffield
likes to keep the children busy
39
00:01:30,366 --> 00:01:32,156
so they don't get depressed.
40
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:33,480
Every year, he comes up
with a new diversion.
41
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,160
Uh-huh. Well, you know, when I
used to be down in the dumps,
42
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,230
my mom used to buy me
a new Pez dispenser.
43
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,326
Oh, that's nice.
44
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:41,996
Yeah.
Great news.
45
00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:44,330
We have just
joined
a country club.
46
00:01:44,660 --> 00:01:45,180
That's nice too.
47
00:01:45,216 --> 00:01:47,196
Yes, look,
these
facilities
are
48
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:49,423
They even have
a five-star
chef.
49
00:01:49,450 --> 00:01:53,300
Oh! Boy, reminds me
of the Flamingo
Beach Club.
50
00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:56,163
Our chef used to make
a roast beef. Mwah!
51
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,160
You'd never know the week before
it came in ninth at Belmont.
52
00:02:05,330 --> 00:02:06,320
♪♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪♪
53
00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:08,160
♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪
54
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:09,200
♪♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪♪
55
00:02:09,233 --> 00:02:10,483
♪♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪♪
56
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,370
♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪
57
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,500
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
58
00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:17,180
♪♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪♪
59
00:02:17,216 --> 00:02:18,316
♪♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪♪
60
00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:20,330
♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪♪
61
00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:21,300
♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪
62
00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:23,123
♪♪ She had style,
she had flair,
she was there ♪♪
63
00:02:23,150 --> 00:02:26,470
♪♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪♪
64
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,450
♪♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪♪
65
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,833
♪♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
66
00:02:32,116 --> 00:02:33,316
♪♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪♪
67
00:02:33,350 --> 00:02:35,500
♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪
68
00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:36,150
♪♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪♪
69
00:02:36,183 --> 00:02:37,273
♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪
70
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:38,470
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
71
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,130
♪♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪♪
72
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:45,166
♪♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪♪
73
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,330
♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪
74
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:05,163
And this is
the club room.
75
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:08,430
Oh, wow!
Look at all this paneling.
76
00:03:08,466 --> 00:03:11,326
Boy, half the dues
must go to Lemon Pledge.
77
00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:12,280
Ha ha!
78
00:03:12,316 --> 00:03:14,296
I'm certainly
glad we
joined.
79
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,473
You know, this
is
a wonderful way
80
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,270
for a family all
to be together.
Mm-hmm.
81
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,000
I'm going to
the video room, Dad.
82
00:03:19,330 --> 00:03:20,130
I'm going go
see the pool.
83
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,196
Have fun.
84
00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:23,223
You're both
out of the
will.
85
00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:25,380
It's a very
family-oriented club.
86
00:03:25,416 --> 00:03:28,226
We have lots
of special activities
to keep the children busy.
87
00:03:28,266 --> 00:03:29,346
That's perfect.
88
00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:32,253
It'll help take
their mind off,
uh...
89
00:03:32,283 --> 00:03:34,003
You can say it.
90
00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:35,380
We have a special event
for Mother's Day.
91
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,376
Or she can.
92
00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:39,656
A mother-daughter
beauty pageant.
93
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,100
You two
should sign up.
94
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:42,153
Oh, no,
I don't think
so.
95
00:03:42,183 --> 00:03:44,183
No, I meant them.
96
00:03:44,216 --> 00:03:45,296
Not that you're
not attractive
97
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,153
in your own right.
98
00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:50,470
Me and Ma went up
for something like that once,
99
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,100
and we would have won too,
100
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:54,353
except she insisted
on wearing a bikini.
101
00:03:54,383 --> 00:03:57,223
Well, what's
wrong with that?
102
00:03:57,250 --> 00:04:00,380
Have you ever seen
a hysterectomy scar
from the '60s?
103
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:04,000
Daddy,
can we be in the pageant?
104
00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,250
Uh, well,
no,
sweetheart.
105
00:04:05,283 --> 00:04:07,473
We-we already have
plans for Sunday.
106
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,150
We do?
107
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:11,173
Yes, we have
the Guggenheim,
108
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,370
the Radio
City
Music Hall,
109
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,160
Empire State Building,
110
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:15,830
Circle Line tour--
111
00:04:15,116 --> 00:04:16,146
That's all?
112
00:04:16,183 --> 00:04:17,383
Then lunch,
113
00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:20,156
then the zoo,
then the
Statue
of Liberty,
114
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,270
F.A.O. Schwarz--
115
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,180
Why don't you just
chloroform them
till Monday?
116
00:04:24,216 --> 00:04:25,476
Well, while you two
work it out,
117
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,250
I'll introduce Grace
to some
of the other children.
118
00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:29,473
Okay, but I'm warning you,
119
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,000
I'm a loner.
120
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,660
What's your problem?
121
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:36,270
Miss Fine,
the last thing Grace
needs on Mother's Day
122
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:38,370
is to be
reminded
of her mother.
123
00:04:39,266 --> 00:04:40,346
All right.
124
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,320
What, you
think
I'm wrong?
125
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:45,660
[MUMBLING]
126
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,420
So, you're
agreeing with me?
127
00:04:46,450 --> 00:04:50,660
[MUMBLING]
128
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,320
I can't
understand
a bloody word
you're saying.
129
00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:55,370
All I'm saying
is that Grace
is a little girl
130
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,330
who wants to be
in a beauty pageant
131
00:04:57,660 --> 00:04:58,100
and get all dolled up.
132
00:04:58,133 --> 00:04:59,233
Now, if it
doesn't bother her,
133
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,826
why should it
bother you?
134
00:05:01,116 --> 00:05:03,366
I just don't want
to see Grace get hurt,
that's all.
135
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:04,470
Well, they're
aren't a lot
136
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,120
of pageant-related
injuries,
137
00:05:07,150 --> 00:05:09,450
except for that time
Ellen Nackiman
138
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:12,103
spiked me with her
six-inch heels.
139
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,320
But I got even.
140
00:05:14,350 --> 00:05:17,150
I switched her hairspray
for Pam.
141
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,220
She won anyway,
142
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,660
but she couldn't
keep that crown on her head
143
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,160
for nothing.
144
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,480
They make luncheon meat
in an aerosol?
145
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,000
No. You're
thinking of Spam.
146
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,180
Oh.
147
00:05:37,216 --> 00:05:39,376
That she would
have noticed
right away.
148
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:46,283
And now for my
final trick,
149
00:05:46,316 --> 00:05:49,176
I will saw
my assistant in
half.
150
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,376
Now, explain to me again
151
00:05:50,416 --> 00:05:53,316
why you're the magician
and I'm the assistant.
152
00:05:53,350 --> 00:05:57,180
Because the beautiful woman
is always the assistant.
153
00:05:57,216 --> 00:05:58,426
Oh.
154
00:05:58,466 --> 00:06:01,446
There's one born
every minute.
155
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:06,126
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?
156
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,376
Sure.
157
00:06:07,416 --> 00:06:13,116
The instructions
are somewhere around here.
158
00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:15,200
I can't believe Dad's
letting Gracie do this.
159
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:18,303
I can't believe
I'm
160
00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:21,173
No, I mean,
being in the
Mother's Day
pageant.
161
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,830
Dad doesn't even like
to talk about Mom.
162
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,266
What was she like?
163
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,420
Oh, she was
really
pretty.
164
00:06:26,450 --> 00:06:27,480
She had
the best laugh.
165
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,330
And she always
liked to sing--
166
00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:31,830
Off-key.
167
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:32,366
Aw...
168
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,320
Come on, are we gonna
do this or what?
169
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:36,330
Found the instructions.
170
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:39,350
"Now take a knife
and cut into even pieces."
171
00:06:39,383 --> 00:06:42,483
Uh, wait a sec.
Let me see that.
172
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,200
These are
the instructions
173
00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:46,133
for your
Easy-Bake Oven.
174
00:06:46,166 --> 00:06:48,266
Yes, but you'll serve eight.
175
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:49,480
Mm-hmm.
176
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,150
We'll just wing it.
177
00:06:51,183 --> 00:06:53,003
Yes, what's the worst
that can happen?
178
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,830
I don't know.
Did you seeBoxing Helena?
179
00:06:55,116 --> 00:06:57,426
No, but
then,
nobody did.
180
00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,253
Abracadabra!
181
00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,166
How was it for you?
182
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,100
Well, it's a little bit tingly,
183
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,353
but not altogether unpleasant.
184
00:07:06,383 --> 00:07:07,453
Oh, Miss Grace,
185
00:07:07,483 --> 00:07:09,133
this seems to be
stuck on
something.
186
00:07:09,166 --> 00:07:10,296
Give her neck a pull.
187
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:13,270
Ah!
188
00:07:15,830 --> 00:07:16,100
Now watch this.
189
00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:20,500
Hey, hey, I'm getting
a draft here.
190
00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:22,350
Oh!
191
00:07:22,383 --> 00:07:25,833
This is really weird.
192
00:07:25,116 --> 00:07:27,476
It's just separation anxiety.
193
00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:30,330
Oh, no.
194
00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:31,280
How terrible.
195
00:07:31,316 --> 00:07:32,366
What?
196
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,430
I've got a run
in my stockings.
197
00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:37,473
I'm telling
you,
Maxwell,
198
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,300
this whole mother-daughter
beauty pageant
199
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,203
is a terrible idea.
200
00:07:41,233 --> 00:07:43,403
On the other hand...
201
00:07:43,433 --> 00:07:45,183
Keep her away from me!
202
00:07:47,116 --> 00:07:50,096
Wait! Whoa!
Get my other
half!
203
00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:54,333
Well, now, this is really
very impressive.
Thanks.
204
00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:57,150
I hope I'm not gonna
have to pay you time and a
half.
205
00:07:57,183 --> 00:07:59,303
Where are the swords
we plunge in?
206
00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:01,333
That's a different trick.
207
00:08:01,366 --> 00:08:04,096
It doesn't have to be.
208
00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:07,663
All right, all right,
put me together, you guys.
209
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:11,330
I can't find
the instructions.
210
00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:13,500
Well, here's a thought.
211
00:08:13,830 --> 00:08:14,380
Help her look!
212
00:08:17,183 --> 00:08:21,133
Why don't we go
for a little spin?
213
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:22,216
Wheeeeee!
214
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:23,470
Hee hee hee hee!
215
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,220
Ha ha ha ha!
216
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:26,280
All right,
217
00:08:26,316 --> 00:08:28,226
you've had your fun.
218
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,320
Now I'm getting annoyed,
219
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:32,000
and a little nauseous.
220
00:08:32,330 --> 00:08:33,470
Oh, I am so sorry.
221
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,150
Let's get you
some fresh
air.
222
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,273
What?
223
00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:38,380
Whoa!
224
00:08:38,416 --> 00:08:40,156
[CRASHES]
225
00:08:40,316 --> 00:08:41,326
Ow!
226
00:08:41,366 --> 00:08:42,996
[FRAN LAUGHING]
227
00:08:50,216 --> 00:08:51,316
Everyone's
so nice here.
228
00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:53,200
That lady never
stops smiling.
229
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,283
Oh, I know.
230
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,326
I think she's
probably had
231
00:08:55,366 --> 00:08:57,326
one too many facelifts.
232
00:08:57,660 --> 00:09:00,330
Did you see that bow
in the back of her
head?
233
00:09:01,383 --> 00:09:04,183
It was her ears.
234
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:07,003
So what do we do first?
235
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:08,470
Well, let's psyche
out the
competition.
236
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,330
Come on, let's kick
some country club
butt.
237
00:09:12,366 --> 00:09:14,276
Uh-oh.
Don't look now.
238
00:09:14,316 --> 00:09:16,216
Breck girl
at nine o'clock.
239
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,170
And a No-More-Tears babe
bringing up the rear.
240
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,370
Oh, they're
making
the first move.
241
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,660
Act
confident.
Chest out.
242
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,130
It is out.
243
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,233
Hello.
244
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:28,366
Hi.
245
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,160
I'm Fran,
and this is Gracie.
246
00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,280
I'm Bobbie Jo,
and this is my daughter
Betty Jo.
247
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,830
Oh.
248
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,466
How are things
at Petticoat Junction?
249
00:09:42,383 --> 00:09:45,333
So, is this your
first beauty pageant?
250
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,130
Hardly. Yours?
251
00:09:47,166 --> 00:09:48,376
Oh, afraid not.
252
00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:50,416
Miss Sun Belt, 1982.
253
00:09:50,450 --> 00:09:53,480
'83, Miss Manny,
Moe, and Jack.
254
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,230
'84, Miss Leon County.
255
00:09:57,266 --> 00:10:00,416
'85, Miss Union Turnpike.
256
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:03,430
'87, finalist, Miss Universe.
257
00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:06,296
Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?
258
00:10:08,266 --> 00:10:09,276
Good luck.
259
00:10:09,316 --> 00:10:10,366
Thanks.
260
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,170
You'll need it.
261
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,470
Well, they're
tough,
but we'll get them
262
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,320
in the talent
competition.
263
00:10:22,416 --> 00:10:23,996
Well, they're talented,
264
00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:25,470
but those big calves,
they're gonna cost
them.
265
00:10:28,150 --> 00:10:31,170
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]
266
00:10:36,830 --> 00:10:38,120
Oh!
267
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:42,500
Oh, aren't they
wonderful?
268
00:10:42,830 --> 00:10:44,170
They've won the last three
years
in a row.
269
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,420
Well,
it's a catchy
tune,
270
00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,370
but can you dance
to it?
271
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,830
Wait till
they see our magic act.
272
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:55,200
Forget it.
Nothing's getting
me
back into that box.
273
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:56,423
Why not?
274
00:10:56,450 --> 00:10:59,500
Because you left
me
in there forever,
275
00:10:59,830 --> 00:11:01,370
plus I had an
itch
on my foot.
276
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,120
Why didn't you
scratch it?
277
00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:06,150
It was in another room.
278
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,180
We're gonna have to
switch to plan B.
279
00:11:10,216 --> 00:11:11,346
What's that?
280
00:11:11,383 --> 00:11:13,323
Call Gilooly.
281
00:11:18,216 --> 00:11:19,466
Oh, look at those
women over there,
282
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,180
sucking up
to the
judges.
283
00:11:21,216 --> 00:11:24,266
Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so demeaning.
284
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,430
Whoops! A spot
just opened up.
285
00:11:25,466 --> 00:11:28,656
Excuse me.
286
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,130
Trust no one.
287
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:32,103
Hi.
288
00:11:35,660 --> 00:11:36,430
Hi.
Hi.
289
00:11:36,466 --> 00:11:39,246
I hate beauty
pageants,
don't you?
290
00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,323
I'm not supposed
to talk to anyone.
291
00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:42,400
Why?
292
00:11:42,433 --> 00:11:44,303
I just want
to be your
friend.
293
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:46,663
Your mom's real pretty.
294
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,330
Thanks,
but she's not my mom.
295
00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:49,480
She's my nanny.
296
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,660
See ya.
297
00:11:54,316 --> 00:11:57,496
Oh, well, if nothing else,
298
00:11:57,830 --> 00:12:00,500
we've got a lock
on Miss Congeniality.
299
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:02,350
This woman should not be allowed
to compete in the pageant.
300
00:12:02,383 --> 00:12:04,123
She's a fake.
301
00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:05,250
I'm a fake?
302
00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:07,833
Let she who is
without silicon
303
00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:09,496
cast the first stone.
304
00:12:10,233 --> 00:12:13,233
Listen, you are not
this child's mother.
305
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,416
You're her nanny.
306
00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:16,160
Yeah, so?
307
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,380
Well, this is
a mother/daughter pageant.
308
00:12:18,416 --> 00:12:21,246
Well, we're very close.
309
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,503
So what if
she's
not my mother?
310
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:24,120
What's the difference?
311
00:12:24,150 --> 00:12:26,130
It's against the rules.
312
00:12:26,166 --> 00:12:28,366
I don't have a
mother.
She died.
313
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,326
Oh, boy.
314
00:12:31,366 --> 00:12:33,826
You will
stop
at nothing.
315
00:12:33,116 --> 00:12:35,346
Don't ever go out
for cheerleader.
316
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,123
Niles!
Sir?
317
00:12:50,216 --> 00:12:52,146
Planning on running away
to join the circus?
318
00:12:52,183 --> 00:12:54,333
Why would I
do that,
sir?
319
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:55,200
Well, you were juggling.
320
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,103
Juggling, sir?
321
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:59,333
Niles, I just saw you
with my own eyes.
322
00:12:59,366 --> 00:13:01,226
Is there something
I can do for you,
sir?
323
00:13:01,266 --> 00:13:03,266
Well, you can start by admitting
you were juggling.
324
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,370
That will
never happen,
sir.
325
00:13:07,216 --> 00:13:10,496
Now I forgot
what I came in here for.
326
00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:13,660
All right, let's see.
I was in the office with C.C.,
and, uh...
327
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:15,330
Oh, yes, I was trying
to get away from C.C.
328
00:13:16,433 --> 00:13:19,123
You know, she can be so trying
this time of year.
329
00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:22,180
She keeps reminding me
not to think about Sarah.
330
00:13:22,216 --> 00:13:24,216
I don't know
how she can be so insensitive?
331
00:13:24,250 --> 00:13:26,120
Sir, the woman would
invite the Clintons
332
00:13:26,150 --> 00:13:28,270
to go white-water rafting.
333
00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:32,196
C.C.: Oh, Maxwell...
334
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:34,223
There you are.
I have been all over for-- you!
335
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,250
[THUNK]
336
00:13:35,283 --> 00:13:36,433
C.C.!
337
00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:42,320
Oh, dear.
Now, how did that
get there?
338
00:13:44,183 --> 00:13:46,273
I'm terribly sorry,
C.C.
Are you all right?
339
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:47,350
You know, if I've
told
those children
once,
340
00:13:47,383 --> 00:13:48,483
I've told them
a million times
341
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,450
not to leave their fruit
lying around the house.
342
00:13:54,383 --> 00:13:56,233
Gracie!
343
00:13:56,266 --> 00:13:57,416
Oh, hello, Mr. Sheffield.
344
00:13:57,450 --> 00:13:59,830
What's wrong with Gracie?
345
00:13:59,116 --> 00:14:01,396
Uh, she has to go
to the bathroom real bad?
346
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,153
Miss Fine.
347
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,480
Mm...
348
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,480
Well, Gracie is all upset
349
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,100
because some nutcase woman
made a big stink
350
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:10,473
just because
I'm not her
mother,
351
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,430
and then, well,
Gracie had to
say
352
00:14:12,466 --> 00:14:14,126
that she
doesn't
have a mother,
353
00:14:14,166 --> 00:14:16,326
and it kind of went
downhill from there.
354
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,330
Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
355
00:14:20,366 --> 00:14:23,466
has turned into
a complete disaster.
356
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,400
Niles, break out the bubbly.
357
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,003
You have
no power here.
358
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:32,230
Be gone before someone
drops a house on you.
359
00:14:36,416 --> 00:14:38,246
I just knew this was a bad idea.
360
00:14:38,283 --> 00:14:40,333
I should have
trusted my
instincts.
361
00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:43,380
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
don't blame yourself.
362
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:46,656
I don't.
363
00:14:46,366 --> 00:14:47,466
Sweetheart?
364
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,430
Can we talk
to you for a minute?
365
00:14:50,283 --> 00:14:52,103
No, I'm busy.
366
00:14:53,316 --> 00:14:55,216
You're doing
a beautiful job there,
367
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:56,470
except dolly's
beginning to look
368
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,170
a little like
Sinead O'Connor.
369
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:02,366
Sweetheart, I made a mistake.
370
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,130
I should never have let you
enter that pageant.
371
00:15:05,166 --> 00:15:07,396
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's all my fault.
372
00:15:07,433 --> 00:15:10,103
Your father
didn't want us to enter,
but I wouldn't listen.
373
00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:12,453
I was just too busy talking.
I do that sometimes.
374
00:15:12,483 --> 00:15:14,333
I just talk and talk
and talk--
375
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:15,830
Miss Fine.
What?
376
00:15:15,116 --> 00:15:16,216
You're doing it.
377
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,120
Oh, right.
Well, I'm going to stop now--
378
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:21,160
the talking, not the listening.
379
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:22,300
The listening
I'm gonna keep on doing.
380
00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:24,403
It's the talking
I'm gonna stop.
381
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:28,333
Okay, I've stopped.
Go ahead.
382
00:15:29,330 --> 00:15:30,220
Thank you.
383
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:33,380
Sweetheart, I do understand
how you feel--
384
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:36,826
all those other girls
with their mommies.
385
00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:38,316
It's just reminded you
how much you miss yours.
386
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:41,480
But that's what's wrong.
I don't miss her.
387
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,330
You don't?
388
00:15:43,366 --> 00:15:44,416
No.
389
00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:46,300
I don't remember her.
390
00:15:46,333 --> 00:15:48,663
Oh.
391
00:15:48,416 --> 00:15:50,326
Oh...
392
00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:52,250
Gracie. Come here.
393
00:15:53,483 --> 00:15:56,663
Brighton and Maggie do,
but I can't.
394
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,150
Is that bad?
395
00:15:57,183 --> 00:15:59,273
Oh, no, of course
not,
sweetheart.
396
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,370
They're older than you.
397
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:05,660
But how come you never
talk about her?
398
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:08,660
Well, because
sometimes it's
very...
399
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,370
difficult for Daddy.
400
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,160
Oh.
401
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:12,430
You can't remember
her either?
402
00:16:12,466 --> 00:16:15,396
Oh, no, sweetheart,
I remember
everything.
403
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,483
I remember the first
time
I saw her.
404
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,830
I remember her sweetness
and her laugh.
405
00:16:22,116 --> 00:16:25,296
I especially remember
how much she loved you.
406
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,403
She did?
407
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:29,183
Oh, more than anything.
408
00:16:29,216 --> 00:16:32,246
And I should never
have
let you forget that.
409
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:35,203
I was just
trying
to protect
you,
410
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:37,173
and I suppose myself.
411
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,220
Can you forgive me?
412
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:42,230
It's okay, Daddy.
413
00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:44,266
[BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY]
414
00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:49,830
Well, at least now
415
00:16:49,116 --> 00:16:52,466
you two can remember her
together.
416
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,400
Do you think that Mommy
would want me
417
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:57,353
to be in the pageant?
418
00:16:57,383 --> 00:17:01,663
I think she would
want
whatever you want.
419
00:17:01,416 --> 00:17:04,176
I want to do it.
420
00:17:04,216 --> 00:17:07,196
Me and Fran are gonna kick
some country-club butt.
421
00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:10,333
Oy! I don't know where
she gets these things.
422
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:22,376
And next,
we have our newest members,
423
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,326
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield,
doing...
424
00:17:25,366 --> 00:17:28,316
Well, I'm not exactly sure
what they're doing,
425
00:17:28,350 --> 00:17:31,300
but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.
426
00:17:35,466 --> 00:17:38,216
[MUSIC PLAYING]
427
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:39,420
FRAN: ♪♪ Anything
You could do ♪♪
428
00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,480
♪♪ I could do better ♪♪
429
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,470
♪♪ I could do anything
better than you ♪♪
GRACIE: ♪♪ No, you can't
♪♪
430
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,270
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
431
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,450
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
432
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:49,103
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
433
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,383
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
434
00:17:51,416 --> 00:17:54,156
♪♪ Sooner or later
I'm greater than you ♪♪
435
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:55,280
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
436
00:17:55,316 --> 00:17:57,126
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am ♪♪
437
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,366
♪♪ No, you're not ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I am
Yes, I am! ♪♪
438
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,830
♪♪ I can
Jump a hurdle ♪♪
439
00:18:01,116 --> 00:18:02,246
♪♪ I can
Wear a girdle
♪♪
440
00:18:02,283 --> 00:18:03,403
♪♪ I can
Knit a sweater
♪♪
441
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:05,123
♪♪ I can
Fill it better ♪♪
442
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:07,370
♪♪ I can
Do most anything
♪♪
443
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,660
♪♪ Can you bake a pie? ♪♪
444
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,270
♪♪ No ♪♪
♪♪ Neither can I ♪♪
445
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,660
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
446
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,120
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
447
00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:16,380
♪♪ No you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
448
00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:18,326
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
449
00:18:18,366 --> 00:18:21,826
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can
Yes, I can ♪♪
450
00:18:21,116 --> 00:18:22,246
♪♪ Yes... I... ♪♪
451
00:18:22,283 --> 00:18:24,173
♪♪ Can... ♪♪
452
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,180
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
453
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,396
Frannie!
454
00:18:30,433 --> 00:18:32,233
Hurray, Gracie!
455
00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:36,996
Thank you. Mwah!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
456
00:18:40,316 --> 00:18:42,276
Thank you.
457
00:18:46,466 --> 00:18:48,216
Bravo!
458
00:18:49,266 --> 00:18:53,226
BRIGHTON: Bravo!
459
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,116
Encore!
460
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,000
Here, sweetie.
461
00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:11,400
Oh, yeah, yeah. What?
462
00:19:11,433 --> 00:19:16,333
Oh! Oh, aren't you
Patti LaBelle?
463
00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:17,330
I love you.
464
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:20,656
Well, I love you
too.
You were great
out there, girl.
465
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:23,280
Oh, thanks.
The judges really
appreciate a class act.
466
00:19:23,316 --> 00:19:25,326
I know they do.
467
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:26,230
What are you
doing here?
468
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:27,266
Well, I came
to pick up
my--
469
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,450
Hi, Mommy!
Sweetie.
470
00:19:28,483 --> 00:19:30,303
Oh!
471
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:32,433
Oy!
472
00:19:32,466 --> 00:19:34,196
Come on, baby.
We're up next.
473
00:19:34,233 --> 00:19:36,473
Good luck.
Goodbye.
474
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,830
Like she needs luck.
She's a professional.
475
00:19:39,116 --> 00:19:41,246
Don't these
contests
have rules?
476
00:19:41,283 --> 00:19:43,153
They bent the rules
for us.
477
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,133
Oh, whose side
are you on anyway?
478
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:47,403
♪♪ Runnin' hot ♪♪
479
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:49,423
♪♪ Runnin' cold ♪♪
480
00:19:49,450 --> 00:19:52,230
♪♪ I was runnin' at you
Overload ♪♪
481
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:55,126
♪♪ It was extreme ♪♪
482
00:19:55,166 --> 00:19:56,246
♪♪ Ooh ♪♪
483
00:19:56,283 --> 00:19:58,223
♪♪ Hey ♪♪
484
00:19:58,250 --> 00:19:59,400
♪♪ Well ♪♪
485
00:19:59,433 --> 00:20:01,433
♪♪ That's when the wires
Got crossed ♪♪
486
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:03,246
♪♪ The tables were turned ♪♪
487
00:20:03,283 --> 00:20:07,663
♪♪ I never knew
I had such a lesson to learn ♪♪
488
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,000
♪♪ I'm feelin' good
From my head ♪♪
489
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:10,330
♪♪ To my shoes ♪♪
490
00:20:10,366 --> 00:20:11,426
♪♪ Know where I'm goin' ♪♪
491
00:20:11,466 --> 00:20:14,166
♪♪ And I know what to do ♪♪
492
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,350
♪♪ I started up my-- ♪♪
493
00:20:15,383 --> 00:20:16,433
What do you have, darling?
494
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,266
♪♪ I got a new attitude ♪♪
495
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,330
♪♪ Whoo ♪♪
496
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,423
Is she is fabulous.
497
00:20:24,450 --> 00:20:26,200
You know,
I'm her biggest
fan.
498
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:28,283
Oh, I'll tell
you,
if they don't
come in second,
499
00:20:28,316 --> 00:20:29,476
there's no justice.
500
00:20:31,266 --> 00:20:33,996
Thank you.
501
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,220
Aren't you ever gonna take
that stupid sash off?
502
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:44,280
No.
503
00:20:44,316 --> 00:20:45,316
Oh, leave her alone.
504
00:20:45,350 --> 00:20:47,160
How many times
in your life
505
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,170
do you become
first runner-up
in a beauty
pageant?
506
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,350
Counting this one, 12.
507
00:20:52,216 --> 00:20:53,276
Well, here they are,
508
00:20:53,316 --> 00:20:55,246
The Fine family home movies.
509
00:20:55,283 --> 00:21:00,203
Oh, when my mother sees these,
she's just going toplotz.
510
00:21:00,233 --> 00:21:01,403
These are you
from the olden days?
511
00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:03,173
Yes, if you keep
your eyes peeled,
512
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,300
you may see a stegosaurus
in the background.
513
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:08,433
MAGGIE:
Oh, is that adorable!
514
00:21:10,283 --> 00:21:12,233
FRAN: Oh, look at my mother.
515
00:21:12,266 --> 00:21:15,396
NILES: Her hair
was much smaller then.
516
00:21:15,433 --> 00:21:18,283
As her hips got wider,
so did her hair.
517
00:21:18,316 --> 00:21:20,416
Kind of a balancing act.
518
00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:22,420
BRIGHTON: Oh, my.
You're in a hurry.
519
00:21:22,450 --> 00:21:25,660
FRAN: There must have been
a sale somewhere.
520
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,100
Oh, you're already
watching something.
521
00:21:27,133 --> 00:21:29,203
Oh, that's
okay.
That's okay.
522
00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:32,273
We're just watching
some adorable shots of me,
523
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:36,830
but I made you all copies, so...
524
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:39,230
What's that, Daddy?
525
00:21:39,266 --> 00:21:42,366
It's a special Mother's
Day
gift for all of us.
526
00:21:44,830 --> 00:21:46,250
Watch it carefully.Here it comes.
527
00:21:46,283 --> 00:21:47,373
Oh!
528
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,300
Yeah!
529
00:21:50,266 --> 00:21:52,446
Boy, I was a real jerk
back then.
530
00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:54,303
Sorry, Maggie.
531
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:57,283
Move it or lose it.
532
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,326
I'm gonna get you!
533
00:21:59,366 --> 00:22:01,116
I did my best.
534
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:02,480
[GROANS]
535
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,230
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
your first flop.
536
00:22:07,383 --> 00:22:10,273
NILES: We worked on
that spontaneous wave for hours.
537
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:12,130
[FRAN CHUCKLING]
538
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:15,296
FRAN: Mm. Aw...
539
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:18,253
Gracie, that's you, angel.
540
00:22:19,466 --> 00:22:22,476
MAGGIE:
Oh, there's Mom.
541
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,250
[♪♪♪]
542
00:22:39,283 --> 00:22:42,273
I remember that.
543
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,480
♪♪ Anything you could do
I could do better ♪♪
544
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,500
♪♪ I could do anything
Better than you ♪♪
545
00:23:03,830 --> 00:23:04,350
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
546
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,663
♪♪ No, you can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I can ♪♪
547
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:07,450
♪♪ Can't ♪♪
♪♪ Yes, I c-- ♪♪
548
00:23:09,100 --> 00:23:11,370
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
549
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,000
♪♪ I could be greater-- ♪♪
550
00:23:13,330 --> 00:23:15,830
Oh, I'm sorry.
I screwed it up.
551
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,380
♪♪ Anything you could be
I could be greater ♪♪
552
00:23:19,416 --> 00:23:22,366
♪♪ I could be-- ♪♪
Ooh, I'm sorry.
553
00:23:25,233 --> 00:23:28,663
Oy! I always get stuck
on that same lyric.
36646
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