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- It's your turn,
Paulette.

Hello?

- Huh?

What?

- When did
you get the filmmaking bug?

- Oh.

Probably when I was a child,
which is no big surprise.

I spent most of my time in

my father's studio, filming
faces.

I loved faces.

That's how I got my nickname,

Little Fellini.

After all,

the movie tag-along was a
little bit like a circus,

like something at a Fellini
Satyricon.

And the face my camera loved
the most belonged to my father,

Sam Gittleman.

According to my mother,

there was a time when Sam
Gittleman was personable,

friendly.

He could get along with anybody.

I think the trouble started

when he began working as
an assistant in Hollywood.

Dad worked for five years

in a very abusive corporate
environment

and gradually, he began to
change.

Mom said he became sodangerously obsessed with his career

and struggle for power
that he got an ulcer

once every two months.

She said he reminded her of
an angry warmongering general.

He was short-tempered and
infatuated with his enemies.

I mean,

he fixated on what he saw
as his inevitable demise

even as his career was
skyrocketing.

I think one of the main reasons

I'm making this movie is because

I'm interested in how
Hollywood changes people,

like the way it changed my
father.

Camera!

Sound!

Slate it!

- Um, my mom wants me to go to
med school

but I want to discover the next
Madonna

or Boyz II Men,

and I've landed one of the
highest paid

and most respected
assistant positions in town.

- I graduated summa cum laude

from the University of
Pennsylvania.

I could have done anything I
wanted.

You know, Wall Street or
Washington,

but nothing was challenging
enough.

Nothing that is except for the
role of Motion Picture Agent.

- Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I got to get out of this.

I mean, if he sees this program,

you have no idea the things
he's capable of doing to me!

- Then one day at my
grandfather's for Sunday brunch,

Papa showed-

Papa's my grandfather.

Papa showed me this article
from the New York Times.

It said that Borscht Belt
Jews who were from Manhattan

and graduated Ivy League
colleges

were shoo-ins at any
Hollywood talent agency.

Like he says, you like to eat a
lot.

You like to talk a lot.

So you should feel right
at home being an agent.

So a couple of weeks later,

I came out to Los Angeles for a
meeting

with one of the partners.

And I was hired the very next
day.

And for the past three weeks
now,

I have been working

with one of the most
prestigious talent agencies

in Hollywood.

I work with Roman here at the
agency.

- Thomas delivers the mail.

- That's right. I deliver the
mail.

I'm the mail clerk.

- What's it like out
there at the agency, Thomas?

- What it's like out there?

Hmm.

Mm mm.

It's like my Bar Mitzvah

where I kept on thinking
I'm gonna drop the Torah.

My Safartic grandfather
is gonna have a stroke

right there in a synagogue
because

I'm gonna drop the Torah.

The rabbi says to me, "Take it."

I said, "I'm gonna drop it."

We must have argued
for about three minutes

until he just shoved it into my
arms.

Well, I dropped the Torah.

My grandfather had a stroke.

Well,

that's what it's like out there.

Let me tell you about the first
day

as a trainee in the mail room

and the warm welcome I
received from my superior.

- Push the cart!

Push the cart!

Push the cart.

Push the cart!

- After I loaded up the
cart,

I went upstairs to do the mail
run.

This was it.

The hall of power where deals
were made.

It was just like in the article

my grandfather had read to me.

I knew I had made the
right career decision.

- And what are you?

Valium covered with skin?

Put another engine into your
asshole

if you wanna keep working here,
boy!

Great, another poxy incompetent!

- And Jonathan,

the best thing for you to
do right now is nothing.

It is react.

When you think, you get
those of us in trouble.

When I ask you to clean your
cubicle,

please just fucking do what I
ask.

- Hi.

I'm Thomas Jacobson.

It's nice to meet you.

- You're late, schmuck!

- What exactly did you say to
him?

- I said to him that
you were on the phone,

you'll call him back.

- Well, was it a when he feels
like it

you insignificant fly
on my ass call you back

or he doesn't even know
who you are call you back?

- I just said you'd get back to
him.

- Fine. Call Tiffany.

Send him over a pen with
the following engraving.

Write it down.

Always

love

to talk.

Don't forget the L.

We got egos on the line here,

so you better start learning to
fine tune

your phone etiquette.

The 10 pages of that
phone log are my Bible,

the axis upon which my whole
world turns.

Don't forget it.

You've dump the B-list calls.

You know,

the insignificants, during
lunch.

Do you need to get through or
what?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, come on through.

Oh, you're the new boy, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh, nice place

but the tie doesn't go.

Go ahead.
- Sorry, sir.

Have a good day, sir.

Morning, Roman.

- Hey, little brother.

- How are you doing this
morning?

- Better than you.

God, what are they
doing to you down there?

- I got to work a devil today.

- Well, come here. Come here.

Sit down.

Relax.

Relax.

You ever been to a premiere
party, Thomas?

- No.

- Well, I got plans tonight.

Take an actress.

Here,

there's one.

Actresses put out for premiers.

- Hey, thanks man.

- No problem.

- If I can ever do anything for
you-

- Mr. Sabin's office.

Uh-huh, I'm working on it.

Don't call me at the office.

Yeah, okay.

God!

- Somebody giving you a hard
time?

- This junior assistant at
some bargain basement agency

across the lane,

he calls me out of the blue.

I barely know him.

He wants the inside
scoop on our new specs.

Like I'm gonna tell him anything

before we've even had lunch.

- You must get that a lot

working for the head of the
agency.

- Yeah.

Tell you,

I can relate to these guys

but I can't hang out with them.

They're a bunch of backstabbers.

But in you, I see reflection of
myself.

Good background,

education,

good family values.

- You know, I couldn't
agree with you more.

- I think you and I are
gonna be very good friends.

And friends help each
other out, right, Thomas?

- Yeah, they do, definitely.

- You know the Wit Daily
Prayers, right?

- It's the new Esther House
specs script.

- And you're the kid with a
shot.

Anyway, they're faxing the first
30 pages

over to Mel's agent
this week for packaging.

And

well, why don't you just slip
me a copy from the mail room.

Here's my home address.

- Isn't that script a
confidential property?

- No.

Thomas, confidential means
that non-players can't see it.

But you're gonna be a player
soon so what's the problem?

- No problem.

Couldn't I get in trouble for
this?

- Thomas, let me give
you a piece of advice.

There's people in this town

that can't see past their own
cubicle.

And then there's people like
us who see the big picture.

Don't have tunnel vision, man.

- Okay, let me think about it.

- Listen, that premiere starts
at 7:30.

While you do this,

Mr. Sabin needs an assistant on
PE day.

That'll give you plenty of time
to think

and then you come back
to me with your answer.

- Um,

what's PE?

For the first two months, you're
a grunt.

If you survive the punishment,

you get yourself promoted to a
desk.

- Yes, but Thomas,

you're promoted a lot faster
if you know the right people.

- I've always been able to
succeed on my own terms.

I'm used to it.

I'm a hebe.

- Excuse me, uh, what's hebe?

- You know,

Jewish.

Hebrew.

Hebe.

Humility, economy, and bravery.

- My great uncle's wife's
half-sister was Jewish.

Does that mean I'm hebe?

- Sure.

You're hebe-bro.

- That was a funny, Roman.

- You know, I joined the
temple of the

They say you could make deals

on Friday night Shabbat
services.

- Oh sure, they should just
call that Studio Synagogue.

It's where 50% of the
congregation is converts.

- And studio execs.

I converted a month after
arriving in Los Angeles

because quite frankly,

if you wanna be a player in this
town,

it helps if you're Jewish.

- Oh, that's anti-semitic.

- How can that be anti-semitic?

I'm a Jew now.

- Now, it's my turn to tell the
story.

Okay.

Move back.

No, back more.

- Mr. Pink, this is as far as we
can go.

You're really indiscernible.

- Am I really small in frame?

- You have nothing to worry
about.

- Okay.

See, I work in the mail
room of Black Pictures.

My first day began with
a spitball in the neck

from the mail room boss, Ozzy
Blatt.

He loves spitballs,

prescription drugs and heavy
metal, too.

But anyway, to get on his good
side,

I made the mistake of telling
him that I loved heavy metal.

Well, he instantly decided
that we were gonna be friends

and he made a present in my
honor.

- Photo face!

Ah, photo face!

Dedicated to my new friend
and fellow Satanist.

You do believe in the
powers of Satan, don't you?

- Well, actually, sir-

- Ahhh!

Ozzy Blatt, personal engineer.

- Blatt where's
my mail?

- What?

- Bring me my
mail!

- I can't do that now!

- When
am I gonna get my mail?

- I can't do that now!

- When
am I gonna get my mail?!

- When I feel like it.

- What? What?

- When I feel like it.

- You son
of a bitch! You red-faced-

- When I feel like it!

- I want
my mail, you asshole!

- Yeah, you're welcome.

- Who was that? Who-

- Oh, one of the VPs.

- You could talk to the
executives like that?

- Pink, my father owns the
studio.

I can do whatever the hell I
want.

- Now I had heard

that the last guy who had stuck
it out

for over a year with Ozzy

had been promoted to
an executive position.

See, Ozzy's father had decided

that if someone was tough enough

to spend 12 hours a
day locked in a cubicle

with his mashugana son,

then he was certainly tough
enough

to produce Pauly Shore movies.

And this was called The Ozzy
Test.

Oh, I knew that I could pass
this.

- Matter of fact,

I think it's time to listen
to my high school band.

Ladies and gentlemen,

get ready for

Yeah, my father and parole
officer says that music

decreases my violent outbursts.

I'll tell you something,

it's definitely helped me
with that schizophrenia.

- See,

nobody

knows bad

like Pink

knows bad.

What the hell?

- It's not an
earthquake guys.

It's just the last member of our
group

and he's a bit theatrical.

- Cut the fucking music.

Name's Palermo.

Dean

Palermo.

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm not an assistant anymore.

I used to be.

Let me tell you about the job I
had.

I'll never forget the day he
fired me.

I picked him up in my car at
LAX.

We were late for the agenting
class

he teaches over at USC.

So we thought we would just
drag race through South Central.

And then I blew a tire over a
pothole.

Guess who had to change it?

Every day,

I'm haunted by the memory of
that dick.

Hey. But you don't like that.

- No, no, no,

I fucking hate slip ups

Look, I didn't get a table in
the front.

I did not get a table in the
front.

You have fucked me,

fucked me! Fucked me! Fucked me.

- Now, this was
my boss, Griffin Larosh,

one of Hollywood's top talent
agents.

But we were stuck in the middle
of hell,

all he cared about was a table
I forgot to book at Spargo.

He told me I was finished in
Hollywood

and that he'd leave a horses
severed head

in my bed the next day.

Meanwhile, as he ranted at me,

the locals had began to
congregate.

- The intern's car is here, come
on!

Come on. Let's go.

You're fired.

Go.

- Why don't you tell everyone

what you're planning on doing,
Dean?

- Hi.

Dean Palermo of the Palermo
family,

originally of Palermo, Sicily,

I'm about to make a film that
is gonna scar Griffin Larosh.

And unlike Paulette's
politically correct documentary,

I'm gonna take a giant shit
on the face of Hollywood

and I'm gonna grab the handle
so they can't flush it.

- Roman, why don't you give us
your take

on the film business?

- Take notes, kids
ever since I was 12 years old

I knew I wanted to be a player.

You see, my family came up to
Hollywood for this vacation.

And the first place I visited

was the Boulevard.

Everyone does.

I must have spent half
the day taking pictures

of everything like some tourist.

It was when I decided to
walk off the Boulevard

that it happened,

this old man, that looked like
Gepetto,

you know, from Snow White

just seemed to come out of
nowhere and introduced himself.

He said that he was the
legendary Adolf Zuckerman

the studio mogul, you guys.

He told me that he was around
Hollywood

when the town first began.

He explained to me that
he had gotten his start

as Charlie Chaplain's assistant
director.

That afternoon,

we walked all over town

and he told me what Hollywood
used to be like in its heyday,

the golden age.

At the end of the day,

and this is the best part of the
story,

he took me to Movie Tech, the
studio

which he founded and ran for 30
years.

He told me about all the
movies the studio made,

and all the great actors,
directors

and writers that he worked with
there.

He told me that being a player

was the greatest time of his
life.

And he wished that he
could do it all over again.

And he suggested that one day

I could become a player in
Hollywood.

Now jump ahead 15 years,

I'm a graduate of Penn.

And I find myself standing
in the exact same place

I stood with Adolf.

In no time, I got myself a temp
job.

And one day I saw the prettiest
girl in all of film land.

You know who that was, Paulette,

you.

You actually smiled.

I mean, nobody else in the
lot would give a floater

like me the time of day.

So I knew I should try to meet
you.

Well, every guy on the
lot wanted to meet you,

what a Twinkie.

Didn't cost much to make friends

with the guys in transportation.

And I scored a golf cart, swung
by

and picked you up 15 minutes
before your usual appointment.

And I got ya.

Bullseye.

And you can guess what happened
then,

♪ love exciting and new

For the rest of you guys in,

Paulette and I have been
dating for over a year now.

Now, at the time, I didn't know

she was the daughter of Sam
Gittleman,

the current head of the studio

or I wouldn't have been so bold.

Paulette introduced me to him.

Even asked him to make a
few calls on my behalf.

The very first one

landed me my top assistant
job at the Sabine Agency.

Unlike the other trainees,
listen carefully, Jacobson,

I didn't have to start the mail
room.

So you wanna know my take
on the film business?

Well, it's cars

lunches,

green lights

and studio executives daughters.

- Okay.

Tell us about your job, Fisher.

Well, there's a

real opportunity for me to
grow within the company.

You see,

I've loved music videos
ever since I was a kid.

I mean, I was obsessed with
them.

I began to turn into a video.

I mean, I mimic every artist

from Michael Jackson to Twisted
Sister.

And you see, I mean, this play
acting

made me feel a real
connection to the world.

All right, some kids had a
TARE, but I had music video.

16 years later, or two
weeks ago to be specific,

I got a very special phone call.

God was on my mind.

Hello.

- Fisher Lovelace,
please.

- Yeah, this is Fisher. And this
is?

- Fisher, This is Roger
Peabody.

- Roger?

- Of Bad Boy music.

- Oh, Mr. Peabody.

Yes, what can I do for you, sir?

Roger Peabody was the
man who was there when

video killed the radio star.

I mean, name any early videos,
Beat It,

Hungry Like the Wolf, Rock me on
my Days.

Roger put them together, all
right.

And since then, well, Roger

has made thousands of music
videos.

I mean, he set trends.

And there's one thing that's
no secret about Roger.

And

it's his wild side, okay.

I mean, this is a man who
learned to party from Warhol.

I mean, he even built his own
nightclub,

kind of like a '90s
version of The Factory.

It's called the Love Shack.

And that's where he wanted
me to come that night.

I mean, to interview, to
be his personal assistant.

It was an opportunity of a
lifetime.

I was so excited.

I was like, "Whoa!"

- Hey, love child,
welcome to the Love Shack.

Let me clear my throat
before I give you a quote.

So let me see your credentials

'cause I believe it's
essential for your potential.

Or should I call you rich,
almond-tasting

sugar-coated brown eyes.

Why don't you take this big
dog home and bury his bone?

- Hi, um,

my name is Fisher Lovelace.

I'm here to see Roger Peabody.

- Oh, Roger's new toy.

I know the clean cut boy.

Follow the balloons upstairs.

And tonight will be your lucky
night.

Fisher Lovelace.

- Enough!

Fisher Lovelace,

good to see you.

Sorry to call you here
at one in the morning,

but you know what I always
say, music never sleeps.

Now, why don't you take your
clothes off?

- Excuse me, sir.

- Yo, everybody listen up,

I want you to meet Roger's new
assistant,

Fisher

Lovelace!

- I mean, yeah, I can deal
with my boss' wild lifestyle

but he said, if I can stick it
out

there's no telling where
I can go with the company.

- Okay. Ready?

Action.

- This is where I live.

This is my bed.

Actually, I stole the frame

from the set of Coppola's
Dracula.

- What's that?

- In Sunday school,

they told me to draw a
picture of God and I did

and I got an F

for frenzy.
- Oh my God.

Tell us how you became a
filmmaker.

- Hold on.

- Give him a sec.

- Inside this box is how it all
began.

A present I received from
stranger on my 10th birthday.

When my cameraman was hit by a
car,

my camera was taken away from
me.

My mother told me that I was
gonna have

to find something more
responsible to do with my life.

I still loved movies.

So

many years later, after
graduating college,

I got a job working at
a top talent agency.

When I was fired and left
for dead by Griffin Larosh,

I received my wake-up call.

I was a filmmaker again.

And Griffin Larosh

was gonna be my start.

This is where I come to
discover up and coming talent.

- Wow.

- They really love me here.

- Tiffany, trust me.

You have big things in store for
you.

Give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss, come on.

Give me another one.

♪ I've taken such a beating

♪ Served coffee at his meetings

♪ I've played the screaming game

♪ My soul untried

♪ He tried to make

♪ He was always angry

♪ Can you wait for the climax?

♪ Now, I'm a mess

♪ And I must confess

♪ That my name is

- Dean, fucking, Palermo.

- This is Griffin Larosh,
the most despicable,

most disgusting agent in
Hollywood.

Hey, why don't you tell the
camera

how many clients you've lost
this year, Mr. Pig Larosh?

And what about the times
you badmouthed the studios?

- Fuck Tri Star,
Fuck Warner Brothers, Fuck...

- Okay. Since we've interviewed
you last

you've lost four clients.

Does that have anything to do

with the film Dean
Palermo's making about you?

- Miss Gittleman, I don't lose
clients.

They're all mutual partings.

- Okay. Well, since the last
time we interviewed you,

you've lost seven assistants.

That's an extraordinary number.

- Mrs. Gittleman, you know,
you may not have noticed

but I am an intense guy.

Very intense, but very
stable, nonetheless.

Oh sure, I fly off the handle,

but there's nothing wrong with
me.

Hey, I said two slices of rye.

Two!

- Enter.

Have you seen the first cut

of the Steven Seagal musical,
gentlemen?

- We agree, Sam.

It could be the next heaven's
gate.

- My

heaven's gate.

This is a tricky time, my
friends.

We need to keep a lid on this.

I can't afford any
leaks, any bad publicity.

Let's not give the press another
boom.

How about that movie my
daughter has been making?

Is there any mention
of that in the trades?

- No, there's been no news, Sam.

- A good thing.

- Marker.

So what brought you out
to Hollywood, Mr. Pink?

- You know, when I was a kid, I
saw movie,

changed my life forever.

Star Wars.

- I loved that movie.

- Hey, you know, I used to
have a Star Wars comforter.

- I still do.

- Wait a minute, you
still have it, Mr. Pink?

- The force touched me.

Yeah, it touched me.

And I decided then and there,

that I was gonna come out to
Hollywood.

'Cause I thought that there
was no way in the world

that a place that could create
such magic

could be as bad as everybody
said.

But then I came out to Hollywood

and I can't stop asking myself,

where's the force, people?

Where's the force?

- You see, to me, film
is not just a business.

Films are powerful.

They affect people.

They make them think
about a lot of things.

I didn't come out to
Hollywood for the six-figures.

I came out here because
I wanted to be part

of the most influential art
form of the 20th century.

- I don't care how
influential these films are.

I just want my big beach house
in Malibu.

- Is that
why you chose Hollywood?

- Well, see, in all the
professions

it takes years to get anywhere,

but in Hollywood, a young man
can strike it rich overnight.

- You people can delude
yourselves

into thinking that there are
morals

that you can be a pure
artist in this business,

but sooner or later,

everyone gives in to temptation.

Everyone.

See,

this isn't a movie

and

the force is not with you.

- So my little, moguls,

you have been accepted into
my very selective program

because you wanna be players.

The first thing you must ask
yourself is what is the player?

What do these men and women,
these elite,

upwardly mobile
individuals have in common?

Well,

they didn't go to film school

because in case you
hadn't realized it yet,

Hollywood does not give a
shit about how much you know

about the DOD or the French New
wave.

Rhino skin, schmoozing,
power meetings, information,

chutzpah, personal survival.

Once

you have mastered all these fine
arts,

you're halfway there.

And then you must take all these
skills

and retaliate yourself to fit
the ideal.

Think of yourself as this lowly
moth,

coming out of a cocoon

and emerging into this
beautiful butterfly,

with a goal project under his or
her wing.

Shmooze!

I really love that tie.

It's very Picassoesque.

- Well, Picasso is one
of my favorite artists,

extremely visual.

In fact, if he were alive today

he'd probably be a great
filmmaker

like Soderbergh or Schumacher.

- Excellent.

- Hollywood is too obsessed
with these cute kids.

- I think Max is gonna
be another Dana Plato,

Todd Bridges different
kind of strokes casualties.

- Totally.

- Wait up.

- You see, I'm not exactly
athletic, but you know,

I do like to every now and then
get out

play a little bit miniature
golf from time to time.

- Stop!

Introducing remarks are
cultural and artistic.

Both introduction and
response was Puttnam mess.

Hollywood does not like
lard-arses.

If you don't have an athletic
hobby

then choose one golf or tennis.

And every Los Angeles team
should be second nature to you.

- Oh my God.

- Munch.

- Such a good person.

- She ain't a boy,

- Pretty boy.

- May you grow up like a trolley
cart

and ship passengers out of your
ass.

- Golden rule when you
make the big leagues,

if it's a hit,

- It's mine.

- If it bumps,

- it's mine.

- It's theirs.

- You are now ready to take the
reins

and stake your turf in
Hollywood's

and claim

your new identities.

Ralph Panties,

you are now Carry Hitchcock,

always an attention grabber.

Fisher Lovelace,

you are now.

Denzel Copal.

It'll open many, many doors.

Paulette Gittleman,

you don't need to change your
name

unless your dad gets
involved in a scandal.

Thomas Jacobson,

um, Giuseppe Jacobson,

Italian, Jewish origins.

You have the passion of an
artist

and the savvy of a shrewd
businessman.

You

see me after class.

- You know, I cannot believe
that

I failed a course on how
to schmooze and kiss ass.

I'm doomed out here.

- Come on, Mr. Pink schmoozing

and networking is an art
form like screenplays.

You learn the rules and
then you practice them

like the rest of us.

- Oh, forget it.

You know, my mother she says,

"You're socially awkward
and socially awkward people

"should not go to Hollywood."

And she's right.

And Schnell,

she says I should consider
dentistry

just like my mother.

- Come on, Mr. Pink, look at us,

you think we're blessed with
Hollywood personalities?

- Where are you trying to
instill false hope in him?

Dentistry's a nice profession,
Mr. Pink.

- Quiet, Fish.

- No, don't quiet me, man.

I'm being honest.

We're talking about his life
here.

- You can do it, Mr. Pink.

- No, I can't.

- Schnell's just one person,
Pink.

Her word isn't sacred.

- Yeah, nothing's sacred out
here.

Who looks up for cars,
lunches and green lights?

- Oh, my, cars, lunches and
green lights.

- Oh my go ahead, Paulette,

do you think he could do it?

- Yeah. I think you could do it,
Pink

- See, Paulette's lived in
this town her entire life.

She could spot a player a mile
away.

- Really?

- Yeah. Beside you're as
smart, as anyone else.

- That's true.

I have smart.

- You're good looking too.

- Good looking?

You know, I am feeling
rather good-looking today.

- You can learn how to schmooze.

- You're right.

I can learn how to schmooze.

- We can do it.

- Cars.

- Lunches.

- Green lights.

- Oh my. Cars,
lunches, green lights, oh my.

- To the future of Hollywood.

- Let's go.

We can play the game.

- Excuse me, sir,

But can we do without
the music today, please?

How about I take you to lunch?

- Big, why you always keep
everything so neat, huh?

Metal heads are never neat or
clean shaven

and yet you, you're all these
things.

- Maybe I'm schizophrenic

like you.

- No.

- Now we are inseparable
like father and son.

Party down!

- Take the gas.

- I love Saturday night!

Yeah!

- Hold the elevator.

Thanks.

Thomas, isn't it?

- Yes, sir.

So um...

- Yes.

- Grab the
reigns, seize the moment.

- I really liked your children,
sir.

- Well, I'm glad Roman's
scheduled you to spend more time

with them over the next few
weeks.

Good day, Thomas.

- They always love
Jews who are from Manhattan.

They always love Jews
who are from Manhattan.

- Months have gone, by
kind of a midway point.

So we're gonna check in and
do some one-on-one interviews.

- Roger says I've been doing a
great job.

You know, I mean, he thinks
things are definitely gonna

work out for me just as long

as certain adjustments are made.

- You look like
you're caught

on soul train, Fish.

- Oh come on, man, it's not that
bad.

I mean,

it's kind of like celebrating
Halloween every day.

I love Halloween.

It's my mother though,

she's been getting so
spike Lee on me, man.

I dunno.

That woman,

she thinks Roger's trying
to get in my pants.

- Is he?

- I mean, sure, there's
a lot of compromise

but that's in everything.

You know,

as long as you know yourself,

there's no danger.

Hello, Roger.

- Hoe does the wig look?

- It looks,

I mean, it looks good.

I like the way it looks, but...

- Oh good.
- I mean, it may not be-

- I sense there's an
issue...

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying it may not
be exactly what we're look...

- Have I led you
wrong before, Fisher, huh?

- No.
- Have I?

You won't wear it?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You'll see it.

I mean, it's dope.

I mean hey, I'll step it up.

- My project for today

I thought I'd do some planting
while I'm talking to you.

You know, I love irises.

I used to

grow them

on my balcony in New York.

I had a beautiful,

I made a beautiful wooden box
planter.

It was wonderful.

It was fabulous.

- Can I ask you
something a bit more personal?

- Sure. Go ahead.

- Why do you
put up with this abuse?

- Well, you know, after looking
at myself

in the mirror for over 27 years,

I've come to realize
certain truths about myself.

And one of them is, I'm
just not an overnighter.

- Over-nighter?

- Oh yeah.

You know like,

oh, all the guys, Jacobson even.

They're over-nighters.

They look good.

They say the right things.

They have a certain charisma.

I don't have those things.

I don't even have luck,
except for bad luck.

But

I have a theory though,

why that's all okay.

My first girlfriend was,
she was into astrology

and she taught me a lot about
Libra.

Anyway, She told me that
Libras weigh everything out.

We're slow in making decisions

and we weigh the positive
and the negative,

different approaches.

And that's me.

So I think, you know,
I'll give a little here

to get a lot more there.

And you know, that's gonna work
for me.

I know it's gonna work for me.

So one day, maybe not now,
maybe not in five years,

maybe not even in 10 years,

I sure as hell am gonna beat
this town.

I'm gonna do it.

I know I'm gonna do it.

I have what it takes.

- Remember how we started to
talk about having a company

and you know, doing business
together?

- Vaguely.

- I got two tickets to
the Oscars this year.

Jack Palettes is lap dancing.

- I'm not interested.

- No.

- It looks
like we have company.

- They're just street thugs.

Street thugs.

Go ahead.

- Rapinsky.

- Roman.

- Rapinsky!

- Roman.

Roman!

- Hello.

Hello.

- Roman, who were
those guys?

- I've never seen
them before in my life.

They looked dangerous, though.

Listen, I gotta go back to the
office.

- Roman.

- I'll give you
a call later tonight.

- I can't
believe I'm doing this.

- How are you?

Thanks for coming by, man.

We are gonna have a blast.

I got to show you something real
quick.

I just finished taping
about 15 minutes ago.

- Okay.

- Roman.
- Oh God,

- He's at the Oscar parties.

Get this.

He called and left a message
that my name

would be on the list
of all the big parties.

- Really?

- Maybe I misjudged
him.

- We're not with the
press.

I'm supposed to be going inside.

- There's nobody going inside.

As far as we know, nobody's
going inside.

- For?

- There's nobody's gonna go
inside.

- Why not?

I mean, my name is Thomas
Jacobson.

I'm supposed to be going here
where...

- I mean, you have to
go in there and then...

- We're not press.

- Who's this?

- We're not press.

- Okay, then you can't be in
here.

- Right, That's what I was
trying to...

I'm supposed to be going inside.

- Right. Come around
here and please leave.

Thank you.

- Hey Thomas.

I hope you didn't take me
seriously.

I only had passes for myself and
my date.

She's gonna be one of
those chicks on Dateline.

Oh. And Mr. Sabine's kids
need to be taken to the

Jackie Jesus tomorrow.

Later.

- The mail room is where
tomorrow's moguls

learn the nature of the deal.

But it's here at exclusive
networking parties

where they hone and
practice the art of shmooze.

- Yeah,

here it is.

Power Prayer, the first 30
pages.

- This is for real?

- Of course.

- You deliver like the post man,
Sofine.

I'll message over the cash
tomorrow.

- Good doing business with you.

- My mama asked me to sue
for sexual harassment.

- No, don't sue.

Don't sue. You'll get
blackballed.

- That's what I told her.

I tell her I'm in
control of the situation.

Because soon the pain
will only be a memory.

Because with one promotion I'll
be in charge of supervising

a bunch of my own videos.

- Stick it out, stick it out.

Look, pain is temporary.
Mogul-hood is forever.

- I'm on the guest list.

- No, guest list, chief.

- No, but I'm on the guest list.

- No list, chief take a hike.

- Lucille, Lucille, five more
minutes,

I would have shrunk up into a
prune,

my honey, my angel, my
baby, my saving grace,

I missed you.

oh, you look great.

- You look like Nipsey Russell,
come here.

I'm not gonna kiss you.

You probably got a cold sore.

- I just heard this incredible
story

about this guy who isperpetually stuck in the mail room.

They call it the, what,
AF, assistant forever.

Everybody knows it, except this
guy.

What's his name? John,

Jehovah. What?

- Come on, why not?

- You're wasting your time.

- Eventually you're gonna come
to your senses, all right?

- And partner with you?

- Hey, Wolfgang said so on our
first date.

- Oh god, here we go again.

- The two of you would make
wonderful business partners.

- He was trying to (in foreign
language).

- The man is more than a chef,
Paulette.

- Roman, nobody is one thing in
this town.

Every waiter is an actor.

Every agent is a future
producer,

every studio executive
is a closet screenwriter.

- So what? Everybody's
got a hidden agenda.

- Yes, and I don't trust yours.

Are you guys okay?

- I'm assistant forever.

- My girlfriend left.

Why the fuck would my mum lie?

- Hey, Pink,

how are you doing?

- I hate this place.

I hate this place.

I wish a great rain

would come and wash all
the scum into the gutter.

- I just got a call from Pink.

He doesn't sound very good.

I'm a little bit worried about
him.

What the hell?

Pink.

Mr. Pink, are you okay?

- Hi guys.

- What happened?

- I

don't like irises anymore.

I don't like them at all.

But everything's fine.

They're still pretty.

Paulette,

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What time?

Now?

Stage 15.

Okay.

Is he mad?

I have to go see my dad.

Oh shit.

- Please, make yourself
comfortable.

Let's see what my little
girl looks like these days.

Why, you look anemic.

Well, that's not normal for
a healthy woman of your age.

- Well, the movie's taken a lot
out of me.

- Some movies get made, which
shouldn't.

And some poor fool's got to show

the most of the responsibility.

Small blurb in this morning's
trades.

"Paulette Gittleman daughter
of studio chief Sam Gittleman

"is making waves in Tinseltown

"directing her documentary
feature, Slaves of Hollywood.

"According to an anonymous
source who's featured

"in the movie, if this film
ever finds a distributor,

"there will be lots of destroyed
careers.

"Heidi Fleiss' book couldn't
compete

"with the potential smut

"of this film."

- Dad.

- I continue to read.

"Ms. Gittleman might be smart

"in re-evaluating her slanderous
approach.

"Some wonder where Sam
Gittleman fits into this puzzle.

"Could Paulette be doing this
in the name of her father?

"If so, it certainly cannot help

"the tidal wave of negative
criticism

"he's already receiving from
his studio Mega Monster musical

"which some have nicknamed,

"singing Seagal."

- It's a cheap shot.

Your reporter friends
are looking for an excuse

to undermine you.

- It's bullshit like everything
else,

but the rest of this town
doesn't see it that way.

Because when it stinks
people tend to believe it.

- That's their problem.

- That's what you said

when I asked you not to make
this movie.

Remember? I said, "Paulette,
this isn't the kind of movie

"that's going to ingratiate
you to Hollywood."

"Hey, that's their problem." You
said.

Are you familiar with
the meaning of the term

puttnam mess named after David
Puttnam

the ill fated former head
of Columbia Pictures.

- Enlighten me.

- Oh, I'll enlighten you.

It's when one thinks he or she

can put a wrinkle in the system.

It's that

messianic,

I can save Tinseltown from
falling

into the Pacific Suck my Dick.

I wanna see more films about
minorities

and relationships anti
box office mentality.

Well, you know what becomes

of the same self seeking
sweet talking revolutionary?

He finds itself the proud
owner of a new black ball.

A top of the line,
screw you, eat shit, die

and never eat lunch in this
town again, certificate.

Even one enemy is an enemy
you can't afford, Paulette.

- I'm not making any
enemies from this film.

- That movie is

From the day you started making
the movie,

you've been lighting a
flame under others assholes

to feed your own moral fires.

You wanna make a change,
go fight world hunger.

But don't screw with the
players in this town, Paulette.

- Those weren't my intentions.

- Screw your intentions.

Nobody cares about what you
intended.

That's what people are going to
say.

Once they smell a rat
everyone keeps away from you

like you are the plague.

I've seen it happen.

I've perpetrated it on others.

It's not a pretty sight.

- Well, I appreciate your
concern for my reputation.

It's sort of like a studio heads
concerned

for keeping costs down on a
film,

but you don't own my negative.

And

you're not gonna stop me
from finishing my movie.

- Then as your father, I
pronounce your film dead.

I've written an apology
on yours and my behalf

which will be published
in tomorrow's trades.

And I've seen that
nobody in this industry,

not a single vendor, actor or
director

will consort or attempt
in any way to assist you

in completing this project.

I have spies everywhere.

If you're shooting in
town, I'll know about it.

Even as we speak your camera man

is being escorted off the lot

and the camera returned
to the rental house.

If you're even able to
find another camera,

you won't be able to find film
for it.

If you need a shooting
permit, you'll be turned down.

- I've been in your shoes
many times, Paulette.

It's time I just thought back

to what my first film teacher
said,

"Making a film is like going to
war

"it's kill or be killed."

- My father shut down my
film, Dean, what can I do?

- Paulette, when you're
down at your lowest moment

that's when you discover
what you're truly made of,

mark of a true artist.

- Coppola?

- Palermo.

Mr. Larosh has destroyed my
equipment and trashed my film.

It was just another
typical day of filming.

- I'll show you a fucking bags
of chalks.

You fucking rusty.

Get back here so I can kill you.

Technically, my project
is terminated, right?

- Right.

- Not if you go along with my
plan.

Tomorrow, Larosh meets his
destiny.

As he would say the climax

is the most important part
anyway.

A few weeks ago, after Larosh
had destroyed my camera,

I decided to join my beloved
bull lax.

- Good evening, again.

- Master.

Following that little
presentation,

I'm prepared to continue our
safari

through the jungles of
Hollywood.

- I got my camera back

and you know my movie,
the one Larosh destroyed,

I got some old stock.

Got some shootings I've saved in
that film

Now,

if you agree to include
my finale in your film,

I'll let you borrow the stock

and the camera to finish your
film.

- Put the climax of your movie
in mine?

- In exchange for
priceless Palermo antique.

- Well, it's different,

but I'll do it.

- Then it's a deal.

- Wow, this
thing actually still works.

This is great.

- Ahhh!

- Oh shit.

Oh my God.

- Hey, don't be scared, lady.

We just wanna know how
you know Lenny Rapinsky.

- Lenny Rapinsky.

Who's Lenny Rapinsky?

- Who's Lenny Rapinsky?

- Look, lady, we'd bash your
skull

and I bet you'd remember who he
is.

Easy, T-bone.

- Wait a second.

You're the guys-

You're the guys who chased after
Roman Sofine the other day.

- Who the fuck is Roman Sofine?

- Roman Sofine.

That's the name he must be going
by now.

Huh?

- Who are you guys?

- Little lady,

we got some talking to do.

Now, I don't know what Lenny
Rapinsky told you about himself

but I guarantee it was all
bullshit.

He was a street kid.

Grew up on the Boulevard, just
like me and the boys here.

His favorite thing in the world

was picking off little rich
kids,

anybody who had more than he
did.

We liked him.

He was always one charming
motherfucker.

Guy was good with the knife too.

And you can always use somebody
like that on your team.

So we decided to see if he had
what it took to be one of us.

If you haven't figured it
out already, sweetheart,

we ain't the salvation army.

That's not to say we don't
collect things.

Our specialty is other
people's merchandise,

you know, tourists because we do
most

of our work on Hollywood
Boulevard.

One day grifting on the
Boulevard

you can make enough money
to live for a month.

We were loaded and still it
wasn't enough.

But then there was that score

when we knocked over a
car load of oil sheikhs.

We'd never seen so much cash in
our lives.

We partied our asses off.

But when we woke up, the score
was gone

and so was Lenny Rapinsky.

We don't know what happened

to the son of a bitch after
that.

But we've been looking for him
ever since.

- Lenny Rapinsky, I've
had all kinds of people

come through this classroom

but you are definitely a special
case.

You're in luck because I'm
gonna take you under my wing.

You're a raw slab of clay,
beautiful clay.

You must first reinvent yourself
entirely,

get a new car, a new place to
live.

It doesn't matter where you
get the money to do this.

Study the books that I've
prescribed.

This is a business in which
hairdressers can become moguls,

farm boys can become big stars

and two bit floozies can
become legendary divas.

Anyone make it in this town,
darling.

You've just got to be willing
to do whatever it takes.

You can do this, Lenny and
I've got just the place

for you to get that beautiful
foot

of yours in the door.

Studio lots are notoriously
easy to sneak onto.

Steven Spielberg, also one
of my students, by the way,

snuck onto the Universal lot
disguised as a producer's son.

But you Lenny,

you

will be a messenger.

Once you go through those fable
arches

all you need to find is
someone clueless enough

to help you make the right
contacts

like the studio executive's
daughter.

And from this day forward,

you will no longer be Lenny
Rapinsky.

You shall be

Roman Sofine.

- Hey you guys.

Thanks for agreeing to come
back for one last time.

- What the hell are we doing

in the middle of the desert,
Paulette?

- Super hot out here, Paulette.

- Well, my dad won't find us out
here.

How are you guys doing?

- I've been having some really
fucked up dreams lately.

Here.

- Oh I...

- Hey,

I'm here.

- Hey, Joe, just one.

One.

- Okay, mom.

- Here,

give me some of that.

- Thomas, how was your vacation?

- It was the worst weekend of my
life.

- Thomas, you take my matzo
ball.

- No, pap.

- You need it more than I do.

My grandson, Thomas, my son's
boy,

who I love more than life
itself.

He writes me letters
about his great fortune.

But for once I want to hear
it from the horses mouth.

Go on, tell me about life
as a big Hollywood agent.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

A wise man is never shy
about his successes.

- I'm quitting.

We had another stroke.

Now, I'm never gonna be able to
quit.

Not until he dies and by that
time,

I'll probably be dead myself.

- Hey, Fisher.

- Yeah.

- Tell me about those
dreams you've been having.

- I had this dream last night.

I was 40 years old,

had this horrible car accident
and died.

And the only people at my
funeral

were Roger,

Pansy and Pauly.

Roger's having this big party
tonight.

He says he's gonna be
watching me real closely.

And

fuck Roger.

I'm mad as hell!

And I'm not gonna take it
anymore!

- I'm mad as hell and I'm
not gonna take it anymore!

- Yeah!

- Moses to the Pharaoh,

Let

my

people

go.

- Come on, take it!

Take it!

I said take it!

- You fucking take it!

You take it, Roger!

I'm not gonna take it
anymore, you sick fuck!

You fucking take it!

You take it now!

How does that feel?

You bitch!

- Ice cream, everybody.

Ice cream, come on.

- You son of a bitch, I'll kill
you.

You son of a bitch.

- Palermo's climax,

take one.

- What the f...

- Fredo,

I know it was you.

You broke my heart.

- Get me the fuck outta here.

No, no, no, no,

I can't write that.

-
Michael Eisner's office.

- Yeah, Griffin Larosh for
Michael Eisner.

- A moment
please.

- I can't get on the fucking
phone.

I can't get on the fucking
phone.

- Please read exactly what I've
written.

- Hi, Griffin,
Michael.

Griffin.

Griffin, what the hell is going
on?

- This is Michael.

- Michael.

- Yeah, this is
Michael Eisner.

- Well,

fuck you.

One fucking mouse,

and one fucking bump

and then fucking voices

fucking me

you son of a bitch.

- Goodbye.

- Fucking.

- Is this Schwarzenegger?

Do you know that your name
means fucking black plowmen?

Wait, hold on.

- Thanks, I knew you had it in
you

Thanks.

- Can you please, excuse us.

- Sure.

- Paulette, you came down to
congratulate me on my big day.

You're gonna go out with me
tonight?

- I'm not going out with you
tonight.

- Come on, everybody's taking me
out.

I want you to come.

- Actually, I'm going out with
five guys.

- What's their names?

- I have a picture.

There's Izzy, Butch, Little
John, Tom,

Lenny Rapinsky, I haven't met
him yet.

- They look like nice guys,
but I don't know them.

- Sure, you don't, Lenny.

- Let me get a picture here.

Roman, let's get a picture.

- I knew you'd make it.

- Thanks.

Thanks guys.

You can't fucking touch me,
Paulette.

I'm an agent now.

- Do you think the agency's

gonna let something like this
slip by?

- Why not?

Plenty of guys in the agency

had dubious backgrounds.

All they care about is
if you get the job done

end of story.

- Hold the elevator.

Good day, Thomas.

- Good day, Mr. Sabine.

I thought you'd like to
know something about Roman

and the Esther House specs
script.

- Enter.

Please, make yourself at home.

So I never thought I would
see you again, Paulette.

In retrospect, I might've
been a little bit hard on you,

but it was all for your own
good.

So I assume that you've gotten
this movie

out of your system and
you're here to come back

to work with me at the studio.

I am correct in these
assumptions.

- I'm leaving Los Angeles next
week.

I'm not planning on coming back.

Goodbye, dad.

- Paulette.

- Jeffrey, ever been to a
premiere party?

- No.

I think we're gonna be
really good friends.