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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:06,673 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:20,228 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:39,914 (playing the blues) 4 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,685 (honking horn) 5 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,191 D'oh! (screams) 6 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:24,959 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: And now, the conclusion of our Thousand Dollar Movie, 7 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:27,378 {\an8}Roger Corman's Titanic. 8 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,339 (screeches to a halt) 9 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:32,050 -(passengers scream) -(tinny clink) 10 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:33,885 {\an8}We're safe now, Clarice. 11 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,304 {\an8}We made it away from that cursed ship. 12 00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:39,099 {\an8}Now I can relax and take off this stifling bikini. 13 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,059 -(struggling) -Mmm. 14 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,687 -(dramatic music playing) -(metallic grinding) 15 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,648 Look out! Behind you! 16 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,526 ANNOUNCER: We'll return for the remainder of the conclusion 17 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,277 after these messages. 18 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,029 {\an8}Well, I'd rather get a message 19 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,281 {\an8}than see another lousy commercial. 20 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,741 {\an8}(electronic voice) People of Earth, 21 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,368 {\an8}we have traveled all the way from space 22 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,537 {\an8}to attend the most astro-tastic event 23 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,871 {\an8}in the entire universe. 24 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,373 {\an8}(deejay voice) You said it, Phil. 25 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:07,085 {\an8}It's the Bi-Monthly Springfield Sci-Fi Convention. 26 00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:10,296 ALIEN 1: That's right. It's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. 27 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,882 Come meet all your favorite stars. 28 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,759 Mark Hamill! 29 00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,469 Alf! 30 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,012 And many more! 31 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,640 {\an8}ALIEN 2: Plus tag-team robot wrestling. 32 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:22,976 {\an8}It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica 33 00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:25,562 {\an8}versus the gay robots of Star Wars. 34 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:29,274 {\an8}(grunts) Ow, ow! Stop! 35 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,025 {\an8}Please, save me, R2! 36 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,152 {\an8}(beeping) 37 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,195 {\an8}C-3PO: Oh, you stupid little tramp. 38 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:37,365 {\an8}-You're so boring. I hate you! -Ow, ow, ow! 39 00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:40,577 {\an8}Remember, it's BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON. 40 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,913 {\an8}Be there... and be square. 41 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,039 {\an8}Well, beats work. 42 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,166 {\an8}Yup. Beats school. 43 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:52,881 {\an8}Sorry, we're all full. 44 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,049 {\an8}(roaring) 45 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,635 {\an8}Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? 46 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:58,803 {\an8}It's full of nerds. 47 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:01,264 {\an8}-Hi, Lisa. -Hey, Lisa. 48 00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:04,934 {\an8}-Guten tag! -Hi. (chuckles sheepishly) 49 00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:14,903 People, people! 50 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,655 {\an8}This man has actually been in outer space. 51 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,282 Ha! Nobody cares. 52 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:22,785 {\an8}This is one small step towards firing your ass! 53 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,747 Hey, wait. I saw that Lost In Space movie. 54 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,207 You are not Dr. Smith. 55 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,001 {\an8}Oh, the pain, the pain... The pain of it all! 56 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,045 {\an8}(laughing) 57 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:34,422 {\an8}You have still got it, Dr. Smith. 58 00:03:34,505 --> 00:03:36,633 Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit. 59 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,510 My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume. 60 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,055 If you'd care to meet me later in the food court... 61 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:44,390 Danger, danger, Bart Simpson! 62 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,060 Someone has mixed an Amazing Spider-Man in 63 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:49,771 with the Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man series. 64 00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:51,105 This will not stand. 65 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,941 Pardon me, but I wish to tender 66 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:55,860 a serious cash offer for this stack of water-damaged Little Lulus. 67 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,695 (groans) "A," that is not water, 68 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:01,574 it is diet Mr. Pibb. And "B," I... Oh. 69 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,580 Uh... 70 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,583 Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins 71 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,960 who still live with their parents? 72 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:14,254 Comb the SweeTarts out of your beard and you're on. 73 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:15,588 Don't try to change me, baby. 74 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,424 -(shrill feedback) -Welcome, futurists, 75 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,761 cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders. 76 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,888 (cheering) 77 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,099 And now to push this convention into hyperspace, 78 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,518 the man who put the "star" in Star Wars, 79 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,728 a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, 80 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,940 Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill. 81 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,276 (cheering) 82 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,075 (cheering) 83 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,493 Hey, thanks everybody. 84 00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:47,870 You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, 85 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:51,124 but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. 86 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,335 As you can see, you stand to save upto 17 cents a month 87 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,045 over the more dependable providers. 88 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,548 (exclaims) Talk about Star Wars. 89 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,300 ALL: Yeah, yeah! 90 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,592 You stupid nerds! 91 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,137 He's trying to save you money on long distance! 92 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,973 Star Wars, huh? Well, let me ask you this. 93 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,684 How many of you have ever dreamed of being in that movie? 94 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,311 (cheers and applause) 95 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:12,520 Well, you're in luck, 96 00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:13,980 'cause we're going to act out a scene 97 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:16,774 and I'll need a volunteer to play Obi Wan. 98 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,526 -Kenobi? -Right here, right here. 99 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:19,861 (crowd murmurs excitedly) 100 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:21,612 Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, pick me! 101 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,614 My whole life has been leading to this moment. 102 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:24,741 Ah, like hell it has. 103 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,451 If anybody's going to play Obi, it's me. 104 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:27,869 All right, step away, foolish amateurs. 105 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:29,662 Just keep back. Keep out of it. The role is mine. 106 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,290 With the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me", 107 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:36,461 with the light saber and the... (imitating light saber) 108 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,171 That's not how you... (imitates light saber) 109 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,464 (shouts) 110 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:42,508 (all shouting) 111 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,218 We're doomed! Doomed! 112 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,846 (screaming) 113 00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,724 Oh, God, can't this town go one day without a riot? 114 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,519 Ya! Gadzooks. Where are my bodyguards? 115 00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:57,273 Is there anything fluffier than a cloud? 116 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,192 If there is, I don't want to know about it. 117 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,527 MAN: Oh, dear! Oh, my! 118 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,946 We're screwed. Use your light saber. 119 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:04,906 What, and break it? 120 00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:06,866 You know, George Lucas makes me pay for these. 121 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,370 Take him! He's the one you want! 122 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,247 Not the hair! Back off, you freaking dweebs. 123 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,416 Oh, poor Mark Hamill. 124 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,086 (gasps) That swarm of nerds is going to kill him. 125 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,504 (grunting) 126 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:21,381 (shouting) Nerds! 127 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,052 Get out of there! (grunting) 128 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,887 Mr. Hamill, Mr. Mayor, come on! 129 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,098 -Who are you? -Homer Simpson, nerd buster, 130 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,933 and I'm getting you out of here. 131 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:34,894 (groans) I can't, Homer. 132 00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:36,854 I twisted my ankle. 133 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,564 You guys go on without me! 134 00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:41,150 Never! (grunting) 135 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,360 Follow me. 136 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:45,571 (grunts) 137 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:47,532 (strains) 138 00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:51,619 How was I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship? 139 00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:53,329 BART: Dad, over here! 140 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,124 (panting) 141 00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,918 Oh, my God! Someone has to go back in for Maggie. 142 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,378 Forget Maggie. She's gone. 143 00:07:00,461 --> 00:07:01,754 I've got Maggie. 144 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,798 Wow, that was close. 145 00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:05,842 Well, thanks a lot, Homer. 146 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:09,137 Well, it's all... Hey, I thought you twisted your ankle. 147 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,471 Oh, yeah. 148 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:13,307 Well, see, the thing about that is... 149 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:14,559 (screaming) 150 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,395 -(fire alarm ringing) -(people screaming) 151 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:19,188 (groaning) 152 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,315 Hey, boss, we were just talking about you. 153 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,110 You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired! 154 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,903 Fired, huh? (chuckles) 155 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,156 Who else you going to find to take a bullet for you? 156 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:30,616 Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery? 157 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,578 -I'll tell you who, him! -Whoo-hoo! 158 00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:35,872 Homer, I don't think you were listening to what he just-- 159 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,958 I said, "Whoo-hoo." 160 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,002 (grumbles) 161 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:50,178 As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee. 162 00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,930 Not to your family. Not to your country. 163 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,557 Not to Mu-hammad. 164 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,808 Even during Ramadan? 165 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,435 Shut your sass-hole, boy. 166 00:07:57,518 --> 00:08:00,146 These melons represent your protectees. 167 00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:01,230 Throughout this course, 168 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,732 you will protect your personal melon 169 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,026 as if it was paying your salary. 170 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,611 What? 171 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,071 Okay, listen up! 172 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,949 My goal is to assassinate that watermelon. 173 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,535 Your job is to take the bullet. Go! 174 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,370 -(gasps and panting) -Go, go, go. 175 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,497 Pow. 176 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,165 No... 177 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,293 Well, your dive wasn't bad, 178 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:25,004 but I just didn't believe your "no." 179 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,088 You got to sell it. 180 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:29,800 Remember, your "no" is what gets you your next job. 181 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:30,927 Now drop and give me 20. 182 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,179 No! 183 00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:34,138 Better. 184 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,310 You ladies are without a doubt 185 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,521 the most sorrowful clique at the dance. 186 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,566 Not one of you fit to guard a Russian rock band. 187 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,235 However, your checks have cleared, 188 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,695 so you all graduate. Congratulations. 189 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,656 (cheering) 190 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,950 And now, in honor of your achievement, 191 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,494 here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, 192 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,537 The Bodyguard. 193 00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:01,415 ♪ And I ♪ 194 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:06,837 ♪ Will always love you ♪ 195 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,381 Yee-haw! 196 00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:14,303 -Clear! -Oh, for Pete's sake. 197 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347 The pig is in the poke. 198 00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:19,225 You know, I really don't care for that code name. 199 00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:20,977 -(Snowball meows) -Look out, Marge! Cat! 200 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,770 -(grunting) -(Snowball meows) 201 00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:25,189 I know you're excited about starting a new job, 202 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,858 but could you just relax for now? 203 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,319 Hold it. What's your clearance? 204 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,737 We just want to get a snack. 205 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,573 Access denied. 206 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,825 -But Da... -(both moaning) 207 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,953 Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold 208 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:40,079 on the children. 209 00:09:40,162 --> 00:09:42,081 They'll be fine in half an hour. 210 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,000 That's not the point. 211 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,084 And another thing, 212 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,962 I asked you to take out the garbage three days ago 213 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,423 and you still haven't... (moaning) 214 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,509 Hmm, still half an hour till dinner. 215 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,803 Oh, well... (moaning) 216 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:56,762 Ow! 217 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,601 It's a real honor to be guarding your body, sir. 218 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,895 Just remember, you represent the office of the Mayor. 219 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,857 So always comport yourself in a manner befitting... 220 00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,400 Quick, honk at that broad! 221 00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:11,777 -(car horn blowing) -(wolf whistle) 222 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,195 Good work, Simpson. 223 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,239 I couldn't be happier with the way that went. 224 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,285 Hey, Homer, I told you not to come around here no more 225 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,453 till you paid your tab 226 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,121 or at least cleaned up that mess you made 227 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:23,539 in the bathroom. (stammering) 228 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,166 Mayor Quimby? Uh... 229 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,710 Homer, why didn't you say you was with the Mayor? 230 00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,129 Shove off, puke-holes! Get out of there! 231 00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:32,590 These stools are reserved for the Mayor and his cronies. 232 00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:36,177 Ha! Here's a couple of Duffenbraus, on the house, of course. 233 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:39,096 Mmm! Semi-imported. 234 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,225 -Keep them coming. -(sighs) 235 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:46,604 Your generosity is greatly appreciated. 236 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:50,650 Especially during this health inspection season. 237 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,027 Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Health inspection. 238 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,571 That reminds me... (chuckles) 239 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,990 Your change, sir. 240 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,911 We're working on that roach situation, I swear to God. 241 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,664 Ah, you should see the hospital. 242 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:08,834 (bottles clinking) 243 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:12,129 And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, 244 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,632 and the Mayor got some more change, 245 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,342 and I ordered a double-double, 246 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,552 but they gave me the double-double-double-double. 247 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,097 And then Apu gave the Mayor lots of change for-- 248 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,848 Dad, don't you see what's going on? 249 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,892 That "change" was a bribe. 250 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:26,852 Oh, honey, don't be so naive. 251 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,396 That's how the world works. 252 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,731 Sure, the Mayor takes a few bribes, 253 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,442 but he also makes the trains run on time. 254 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,902 No, he doesn't. 255 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:38,197 Trains are regulated by the Federal Department of Transportation. 256 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,033 And recent studies have shown that... (moaning) 257 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,493 Homer! 258 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,083 Thank you, Mayor Quimby 259 00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:51,544 for honoring us with the school milk concession. 260 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:54,296 Well, the good children of Springfield need their milk. 261 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:57,174 And I need my... (coughing and clears throat) 262 00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:00,428 Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem. 263 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,971 Thank you, Fat Tony. 264 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,597 However, in the future, 265 00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,891 I would prefer a nondescript briefcase 266 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:08,227 to the sack with a dollar sign on it. 267 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,896 So, how did you get the nickname "Legs"? 268 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,524 Well, that's an interesting story. (chuckles) 269 00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,860 It seems, President Kennedy's father was-- 270 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,070 Ooh! Mini-cannolis! 271 00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:21,115 Hey, I called that! 272 00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,992 I saw it first. Come back here. (growling) 273 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,244 Hmm. "Milking Room." 274 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:27,413 -I hope you cows are decent. -(squeaking) 275 00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:31,250 (gasps) Oh! Crap on a crutch! 276 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,251 (screams) 277 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:38,174 (screams) They're milking rats! 278 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,050 Milking rats! 279 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,927 Rats? I'm outraged. 280 00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,763 You promised me dog or higher. 281 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,599 (exclaims and gasps) 282 00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:48,601 (gulping) 283 00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:50,436 -Ugh! -(gulping) 284 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:53,856 -(gagging) -(gulping) 285 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,150 (retching sounds) 286 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,319 (sucking) 287 00:12:58,402 --> 00:12:59,528 Bart, no! 288 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,114 Hey, my milk, 289 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,991 I traded my math book for that. 290 00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,701 Dad! What a nice surprise. 291 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,996 (retching noise) 292 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,664 Oh, get that away from me! 293 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:13,292 Kids, I don't want you drinking any more milk, ever! 294 00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,377 Can I still drink it? 295 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,922 -Go nuts. -All right! 296 00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,131 (gulping) 297 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,800 (gagging) 298 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:27,932 You monster! How could you do that to the children? 299 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,768 Those wacky gangsters. What are you going to do? 300 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:33,145 And to think I respected you! 301 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,980 And defended you! 302 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,691 You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for me! 303 00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:40,986 -(shouts) -(screaming) 304 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:44,240 (gasps) Okay, we'll call it even. 305 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,993 Oh, my God, I killed the Mayor. 306 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,161 All right, stay calm. 307 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,747 I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce 308 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,500 -a la Weekend at Bernie's. -Help! Help! 309 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:58,462 (gasps) His corpse is climbing the building! 310 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:01,131 I'm alive, you idiot. Pull me in! 311 00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,385 Wait a second. 312 00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:06,345 I'm not saving you unless you promise 313 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,014 to get that rats' milk out of the schools. 314 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:10,891 But the gangsters will kill me. 315 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,017 You're forgetting, 316 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,353 you've got the best bodyguard in the business. 317 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,397 Now promise, or I'll let you fall to your death. 318 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,857 All right, all right. I promise. 319 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,108 Shake on it. 320 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:20,276 (screams) 321 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,988 Relax. You're in good hands. 322 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:25,489 Now, come on, I'll pull you up. 323 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,658 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Not so fast. 324 00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:30,286 I can see into the interns' restroom from here. 325 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:34,582 (groans) Did you know that this is how F.D.R. met Eleanor? Ah! 326 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,791 All right, pull me up. 327 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:41,338 Six queens. Read 'em and weep. 328 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,382 Not so fast. 329 00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:45,217 Seven queens. 330 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,219 Freeze, Goombahs! 331 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:51,390 We're shutting you down, you filthy Italians! 332 00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:52,892 -(whispering) -Oh, right, right. 333 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,768 Filthy Italian-Americans! 334 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,897 Gentlemen, if you would simply consult 335 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,940 my dear friend Mayor Quimby, 336 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,692 I am confident this can be-- 337 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,694 Not this time, Fat Tony. 338 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,572 The Mayor's office is not for sale! 339 00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,407 (all laughing) 340 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:10,534 Can you, uh, edit out the laughs? 341 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:16,248 I am not so much disappointed as I am blinded with rage. 342 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,126 Ooh! The mafia guy's all mad. 343 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,921 Oh, what are you going to do? Call your Godfather? 344 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,422 Huh? "Oh, Godfather..." 345 00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:25,090 (fake whimpering) 346 00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,135 Break it down. 347 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,350 It's pure. 348 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,851 Pull the plug, boys. 349 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,692 Run free, little vermin. 350 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,319 The city is yours. 351 00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:50,032 And so, as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers, 352 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:51,909 the circle of life is complete. 353 00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,036 Uh, Fat Tony, do you have any comment? 354 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:55,245 I don't get it. 355 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,789 Everyone loves rats. 356 00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:59,083 But they don't want to drink the rats' milk? 357 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,793 Hmm. Any words for the Mayor? 358 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,503 Hello, Mayor Quimby. 359 00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:06,382 I would like to remind you that accidents will happen. 360 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:09,843 Like the killing of you by us. 361 00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,011 Aren't you scared, Dad? 362 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:14,765 I mean, if I were Fat Tony, and, God willing, someday I will be, 363 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:17,810 I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder. 364 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,812 Oh, don't worry about that, boy. 365 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,480 He's already out on bail. 366 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:22,648 Well, I'm off to work. 367 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,400 You're guarding the Mayor tonight? 368 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,527 After Fat Tony swore revenge? 369 00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,070 It's my duty, Marge. 370 00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,239 Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. 371 00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,950 -Bart, would you go start Daddy's car? -Homer! 372 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:35,494 What? There's nothing to worry about. 373 00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:36,829 Well, then you start it. 374 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:39,123 All right, fine. I'll take a cab. 375 00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:42,668 (doorbell ringing) 376 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,130 Homer, I'm not sure it's wise to go out right now. 377 00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:47,965 I was thinking of a quiet evening at home 378 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:51,301 with the, uh... (sighs) wife. 379 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,680 Oh, I get it. You're worried about those mobsters, aren't you? 380 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,974 No, no. I truly do want to stay home 381 00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,727 with the... (sighs) wife. 382 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,937 You got to snap out of this funk, Mayor. 383 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,148 I'm going to take you someplace where you can relax 384 00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:06,483 and forget all about gangsters. 385 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:11,989 -Uh, excuse me. -Yes? 386 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,490 Do you have a table for the Mayor? 387 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,325 Yes! 388 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:16,785 Why do you talk that way? 389 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,371 I had a stroke. 390 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,548 Dear Lord, please make tonight's production 391 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:32,009 better than Othello with Peter Marshall. 392 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,928 HOMER: Okay, Mr. Burns, Fat Tony, 393 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:37,473 what's-his-name... Fat Tony? (gasps) 394 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:38,766 (exclaims) 395 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:42,019 All right, Fat Tony. If it's trouble with Quimby you're after-- 396 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:46,899 Please, I am only here as a devotee of the lively arts. 397 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,650 But I do have something for the Mayor 398 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,819 that perhaps you could deliver. 399 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,823 Mayor, Fat Tony asked me to give you this. 400 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:59,119 You moron! That's the kiss of death! 401 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:00,621 Oh, no! Wait. 402 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,206 Maybe I didn't do it right. 403 00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:04,792 Never mind that. Just go patrol the perimeter. 404 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,213 Ah! Au gratin potatoes. 405 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,839 That's a quality side. 406 00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:19,807 Uh... No! 407 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:20,808 (gulps) 408 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,815 Potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the steak. 409 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:33,946 ♪ Guys and dolls ♪ 410 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:37,491 ♪ We're just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls ♪ 411 00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:38,992 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 412 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,702 ♪ Guys and dolls... ♪ 413 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,996 This is a conceptual nightmare. 414 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,541 I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this. 415 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,626 And this song isn't even in the show. 416 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,628 I don't have time for this. 417 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:52,339 I got 75 shortcakes to strawberry. 418 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,091 Now get out there, Luke. 419 00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,384 (sighs) 420 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,638 ♪ Guys and dolls ♪ 421 00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:02,891 ♪ We're just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls ♪ 422 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:03,976 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪ 423 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,853 I want the Mayor dead. 424 00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:07,604 I want his wife dead. 425 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:10,482 I want his cat and his dog dead. 426 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,608 Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. 427 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,277 Who was before the cat? 428 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,611 (sighs) 429 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,613 Just kill the Mayor. 430 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:19,825 You're not mad at me, are you? 431 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:23,495 ♪ Luke, be a Jedi tonight ♪ 432 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,707 ♪ Just be a Jedi tonight ♪ 433 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:30,169 ♪ Do it for Yoda while we serve our guests a soda ♪ 434 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,298 ♪ Uh, and do it for Chewie and the Ewoks ♪ 435 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:36,383 ♪ And all the other puppets ♪ 436 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:39,720 ♪ Luke, be a Jedi tonight... ♪ 437 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:44,683 Hey, you're in this number. 438 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,727 Get out there and shake that moneymaker. 439 00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,313 But I'm just here to kill... Ah! 440 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,322 That guy with the knife sure can dance, huh? 441 00:19:58,405 --> 00:19:59,907 He looks awfully familiar. 442 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,701 I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, 443 00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,120 or Clomp, or some piece of crap. 444 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,375 (cheering and applause) 445 00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,920 Hey, pal, that's my headshot up there 446 00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,547 next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. 447 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,924 You're all talk, Hamill. 448 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,800 You never even finished Jedi school. 449 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,761 -(grunts) -(groans) Oh! 450 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,598 -Show's over, Mayor. -Look out! (grunts) 451 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,060 -(groaning and grunting) -Ah! 452 00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,853 -Give... Give me that knife! -No. It's mine. 453 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,396 (whimpering) 454 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,566 Homer... use... the for-- 455 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,443 -The force? -The forks. 456 00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:38,695 -Use the forks! -Oh. 457 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:41,406 (both grunting and straining) 458 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,908 -(screams) -Ya! 459 00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,243 -(grunts) -(screams) 460 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:47,204 Yes! 461 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:50,624 Nobody messes with the Mayor when Homer Simpson's on... 462 00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,000 Oh, crap. 463 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,339 Oh, Fat Tony. 464 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,841 What? What did I do? 465 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,433 I checked with the doctor. 466 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,227 He said Mayor Quimby's going to be fine. 467 00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:13,230 And I was electric as Nathan Detroit. 468 00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:14,356 What did you think of me? 469 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:18,986 Well, I'd say you were luminous, magnetic... (sighs) 470 00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:20,487 incandescent. 471 00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:22,614 Oh, cheer up, Homer. 472 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,574 I think you made a great bodyguard. 473 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,411 Really? Would you say I was magnetic? 474 00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:29,621 -Absolutely. -Aw. 475 00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:33,875 -REPORTER: Mr. Skywalker! -(groans) 476 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,170 Homer, I think you know what to do. 477 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:42,134 (grunting) 478 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:46,430 -Shoot! I forgot my light saber. -(groans) all right. 479 00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:48,932 (grunting) 480 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:53,603 -Oh, wait. Here it is. -(groans and grunts) Get out of the way! 481 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:58,984 ♪ I will always ♪ 482 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,486 ♪ Love you ♪ 483 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,699 ♪ I will always ♪ 484 00:22:05,782 --> 00:22:10,454 ♪ Love you ♪ 485 00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:16,543 ♪ I will always love you ♪ 486 00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:21,298 ♪ I... I will always ♪ 487 00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:27,346 ♪ Love you... ♪ 488 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,194 Shh. 489 00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:46,990 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services 35274

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