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00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:06,589
CHORUS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,518
(bell ringing)
3
00:00:23,773 --> 00:00:25,275
(whistle blowing)
4
00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:38,913
(playing the blues)
5
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,185
(honking horn)
6
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,523
D'oh!
7
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,649
(screams)
8
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,252
{\an8}This Ghost Town
is going to be great.
9
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,296
{\an8}Now with 30%
more gunfights.
10
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:30,465
{\an8}And 40% more
rootin' tootin'.
11
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:32,759
{\an8}And the tumbleweeds tumble
at 2:00, 4:00 and 6:00
12
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,761
{\an8}plus a midnight tumbling
on weekends.
13
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:37,472
{\an8}It's so sweet of you to take
us out like this, Homie.
14
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:40,975
{\an8}Come on, kids, three cheers
for your father.
15
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,602
{\an8}-Hip-hip...
-Mom, don't.
16
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,479
{\an8}-Hip-hip...
-We heard you the first time.
17
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:45,522
{\an8}Hip-hip...
18
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,107
{\an8}Hey, I'm trying to drive here.
19
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,151
Hey, Dad, that light says
"check engine."
20
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,529
Uh-oh. Tape must
have fallen off.
21
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,280
(alarm beeping)
22
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,491
There. Problem solved.
23
00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:57,575
(backfiring)
24
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,244
LISA: Oh, come on!
25
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,455
{\an8}Relax. She just needs
a little loving.
26
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,374
{\an8}(engine grinding)
27
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,500
{\an8}(gasping and screaming)
28
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:10,588
{\an8}Ah, they remembered
my birthday.
29
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,507
{\an8}Come on, come on, come on.
30
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:13,633
{\an8}Start, damn you.
31
00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:14,843
{\an8}Start!
32
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:17,470
{\an8}♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
33
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,848
{\an8}♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
34
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,683
{\an8}(screaming)
35
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:24,727
-(groaning) Oh!
-(shrieks)
36
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:28,815
{\an8}Two hours?
37
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,442
{\an8}Why'd they build this
Ghost Town so far away?
38
00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:33,736
{\an8}Because they discovered gold
right over there.
39
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,822
{\an8}It's because they're
stupid, that's why.
40
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,740
{\an8}That's why everybody
does everything.
41
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,085
{\an8}This should be
very educational.
42
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,045
{\an8}I want you kids
to pay attention.
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00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,048
{\an8}Founded by
prostitutes in 1849
44
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:56,885
{\an8}and serviced by
prostitute express riders
45
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,720
{\an8}who could bring in
a fresh prostitute
46
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,014
{\an8}from St. Joe
in three days
47
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,975
{\an8}Bloodbath Gulch quickly
became known as a place
48
00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:07,937
{\an8}where a trail hand could spend
a month's pay in three minutes.
49
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,772
{\an8}Three minutes?
50
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:10,815
{\an8}(whistles)
51
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,860
{\an8}I never realized
history was so filthy.
52
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:16,154
{\an8}First on our tour
is the whorehouse.
53
00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:17,655
Then we'll visit
the cathouse,
54
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,532
the brothel, the bordello
55
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,868
and finally,
the old mission.
56
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,369
Oh, thank heaven.
57
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,538
-Lots of prostitutes in there.
-(Marge groans)
58
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:33,588
But there was more to the old
west than just sex, folks.
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00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:34,964
A lot more.
60
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,507
If you look off to your left,
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00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,677
you'll see a real old
west hitching post
62
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,596
possibly used by bandits
63
00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:44,182
possibly during
some exciting adventure.
64
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,183
(all murmuring)
65
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:49,354
And these planks below us
were often used as a sidewalk
66
00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:52,857
by people who may or may not
have been bandits.
67
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,400
(camera shutters clicking)
68
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:58,071
That's a keeper.
69
00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,489
Uh, yes, sir?
70
00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:00,823
Do we have
to listen to you?
71
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,784
Well... No, you don't
72
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,994
but if you have
any interest in history...
73
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,120
I'm done.
74
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,963
BART: Wow. Have you ever seen
so many robot cowboys?
75
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,673
(yelling)
76
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:22,845
Hey, robot, get your fat
metal ass down here.
77
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,432
First of all,
I'm not a robot.
78
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,269
And second, I got this
metal ass in 'Nam
79
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:32,146
defending this country
for lazy jerks like you.
80
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:34,023
Now what'll you have,
partner?
81
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,817
Let's see. One, two, three...
82
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:36,943
Six whiskeys.
83
00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:38,027
All right.
84
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,780
We only serve sarsaparilla,
mac-- no alcohol.
85
00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:41,823
Oh.
86
00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:44,284
-You can get drunk when we get home.
-Duh.
87
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:47,453
(speaking mechanically)
Hey, these cards are marked.
88
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,540
Now look what
you've done.
89
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:54,294
I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.
90
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,088
Let's forget this
whole thing happened.
91
00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,673
What the heck is this,
a tea party?
92
00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,300
Somebody kill somebody!
93
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:04,595
(screaming)
94
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,557
What is it with you
and robots?
95
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:10,852
(grunts)
96
00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:13,938
(playing saloon music)
97
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:23,614
Ooh, hello, sweet cheeks.
98
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,033
(smacking sound)
99
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:28,870
Look who's a little cowgirl.
100
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,372
Hey, Mom, look what I got.
101
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,333
Oh, that's cute.
102
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,835
(chuckling) Did you get it
in the souvenir shop?
103
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:37,962
No, that security guard
is handing them out.
104
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,341
(clearing throat)
105
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,102
Uh-oh. Better run
for cover, partners.
106
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,521
Some varmints are
havin' a shoot-out.
107
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:56,606
Yee-haw!
108
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,233
You stole my prostitute!
109
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,319
-Missed me!
-Die, yellow belly!
110
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,031
Bang-bang!
111
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:15,124
(slurring words)
Which way is the gunfight?
112
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,001
(all laughing)
113
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,544
There's old Curly.
114
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,047
He played the town preacher
until we laid him off
115
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:23,216
but he still hangs around.
116
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,178
Help me, please. I'm sick.
117
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,596
(laughing)
118
00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:29,639
Homer...
119
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:30,890
But it's funny, Marge.
120
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,016
The guy's sick.
121
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,060
(groans)
122
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:36,604
(gurgling)
123
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,439
Uh, shouldn't we help him?
124
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:39,899
He knows what he's doing.
125
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,154
(gulping)
126
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:48,533
Ah! Can't get a good
sarsaparilla like this
127
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:49,700
back in Springfield.
128
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,244
It angries up the blood.
129
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:52,745
You like it, huh?
130
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:53,830
Up yours!
131
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:57,417
(honking)
132
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,628
Can I go to the bathroom
before we leave?
133
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,255
(whining) We've got
to get home.
134
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,715
I don't want to miss
Inside the Actor's Studio.
135
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:07,009
Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.
136
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,177
But I really need to...
137
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,013
F... Murray... Abraham.
138
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,015
(whistling)
139
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,892
(Grandpa whimpering)
140
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,438
There's a rest area.
Pull over.
141
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,480
Can't stop now.
142
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:20,648
We're making great time.
143
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,942
(Grandpa moaning)
144
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,986
Can I go behind a tree?
145
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,737
What are you, an animal?
146
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:29,824
HOMER: Whoever keeps saying
"please stop" back there, better quit it.
147
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,242
(Grandpa groaning)
148
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:33,286
{\an8}HOMER: Wow. Get a load
of that toilet.
149
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,164
Please go back.
150
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,291
You can make it
my birthday present.
151
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,209
We're almost home, Dad.
152
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,503
Only a couple more times
over the horizon.
153
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,297
But I might explode.
154
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:46,674
You just sit
back and relax.
155
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,718
I'm not going
to let anything happen
156
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,178
to my old dad.
157
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:52,221
Oh, dear god!
158
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,515
This man's kidneys have exploded.
159
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:55,558
There's nothing left.
160
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:56,976
Oh, no.
161
00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:59,353
Yep, that's what happens
when you get older.
162
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,314
It's one of those
natural things--
163
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:02,648
Beautiful in its way.
164
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:05,193
Uh, actually, his kidneys
were fine yesterday
165
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,694
When he had
his annual checkup.
166
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:07,987
Excuse me, doctor.
167
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,364
I think I know a little
something about medicine.
168
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,033
Homer, with all due respect
169
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:15,536
this X-ray reveals a textbook
kidney blowout--
170
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,122
Which would explain
those loud pops you heard.
171
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:21,083
So... you're saying
I don't need a new muffler?
172
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,586
I don't feel so good.
173
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,796
Maybe I ought
to eat something.
174
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,174
Oh, I'm afraid your
eating days are over.
175
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,884
(chuckling)
176
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:33,638
(chuckling)
177
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:34,889
Ohh...
178
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,895
How long do
I have to live, doc?
179
00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:42,271
(chuckles)
180
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,981
I'm amazed
you're alive now.
181
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,318
Oh, I blame myself for this.
182
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,111
We all blame you.
183
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,863
Come on, doc,
there's got to be
184
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,782
something I can do
to help my dad.
185
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,450
Well, you could give him a kidney.
186
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,701
A kidney?
187
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,203
Okay, fine.
188
00:08:57,286 --> 00:09:00,748
You see, the waiting list
for a kidney is very long and...
189
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,208
I said fine.
190
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:05,586
What is it about the word
"sure" you don't understand?
191
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,880
Oh, thank you, son.
192
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,675
Mmm. I'll take the left one.
193
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,718
It's good and springy
194
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,971
though the right one's
not without its charms.
195
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:22,395
Pork chops, sloppy joes,
hot dogs and pork chops.
196
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,646
Well, Dr. Hibbert said
197
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,064
you have to build up
your strength.
198
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,440
Besides, nothing's too good
199
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,901
for a wonderful,
generous man like you.
200
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,861
Well, that's what I always
thought, but somehow...
201
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:31,904
Check it out, Dad.
202
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,156
I rented all your
favorite gorilla movies--
203
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,701
Gorilla Squadron,Gorilla Island Six.
204
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,245
(gasps) Apes-A-Poppin.
205
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,997
Ooh, the airline version.
206
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,290
Can I fluff your pillow?
207
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,417
Nothing's too good for me.
208
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:48,254
Ah, I'm the luckiest man
in the world
209
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:49,964
now that Lou Gehrig's dead.
210
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,134
Well, I got to hand it
to you, Homer.
211
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,178
You're really brave to go
through with this operation.
212
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,680
It's not
an operation, Moe.
213
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,599
The doctor says
it's just a procedure.
214
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,310
No, no, no. Making polenta,
that's a procedure.
215
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,563
You're talking about deadly,
life-threatening surgery here.
216
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:06,731
Really?
217
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,149
You think it's dangerous?
218
00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:10,985
Oh, yeah, and even if you
survive the operation...
219
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,779
Procedure, deadly procedure.
220
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,157
Whatever. The point is
with only one kidney
221
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,743
you won't be able to drink
yourself stupid no more.
222
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,411
Now you're just trying to scare me.
223
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:21,787
Plus, they'll put
you on one of those
224
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,706
organ donor sucker lists.
225
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,291
Everybody who wants an eyeball
226
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:28,502
or a spine or a vestigial
tail will be after you.
227
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,879
But I don't want that.
228
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:32,173
Listen, I'm just going
to get right to the point here.
229
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:33,466
Can I have your buttocks?
230
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:34,842
I mean, if you die.
231
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,427
They look pretty comfortable.
232
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,637
Yeah, I guess.
233
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,639
And, uh, are those
your original lips?
234
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:40,723
Well, actually I...
235
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:43,309
Hey, quit harvesting
me with your eyes.
236
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,189
Oh, yeah, that would
look so good on me.
237
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:51,067
Marge, I've been thinking.
238
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,111
What if instead of donating
one of my old, worn-out kidneys,
239
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,781
I gave grandpa that
artificial kidney I invented?
240
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,616
Oh, Homer,
that was just a beer can
241
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,326
with a whistle glued to it.
242
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,746
Oh, but I don't want them
cutting up my soft, supple body.
243
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,291
Why didn't somebody tell me
what I was volunteering for?
244
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,543
This is everybody's fault
but mine.
245
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:12,046
Oh, I know you're
scared, Homie,
246
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:14,215
but remember why
you're doing this.
247
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,633
It's for your father.
248
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,511
The man who raised
you and nurtured you.
249
00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:24,016
Jack and Jill went
up the hill and...
250
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,310
Jill came tumbling after.
The end. Good night.
251
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,438
Is that the same Jack
from Jack and the Bean Stalk?
252
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,981
You know, son, I believe it is.
253
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,693
And Jack Sprat--
is that him, too?
254
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,194
Sure, why not? Good night.
255
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,530
Is he the same
as Jack be Nimble
256
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:40,282
and Jack Frost
and little Jack Horner?
257
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,118
Say, how about a little Nyquil?
258
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:44,912
All gone.
259
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,790
Oh, I love you, son.
260
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,127
I owe Dad so much.
261
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:54,547
Those bedtime stories began
my lifelong love affair
262
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,048
with the printed word.
263
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,384
Well, giving him a kidney
264
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,220
is a wonderful way
to show him how you feel.
265
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,555
You're right, Marge.
266
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:05,516
I'll do it, but if I die
during the operation,
267
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,184
will you do
one thing for me?
268
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:09,687
Oh, anything, sweetheart.
269
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,397
Blow up the hospital.
270
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,232
Hmm. Well...
271
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,234
I said I'd do it
272
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:16,694
So I guess I'll have to.
273
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,529
That's my girl.
274
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,865
Hmm.
275
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,494
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Doc Martens to podiatry...
276
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,246
Liability waiver?
277
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,748
Don't read it, just sign it.
278
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,041
Yeah, but all these skulls
and crossbones on here...
279
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,085
I don't usually sign stuff like that.
280
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,588
It simply says you won't
hold us responsible
281
00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:37,882
if you die as a result
of gross negligence.
282
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,592
It's a standard form.
283
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,136
Oh...
284
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,391
I love you, son.
285
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,268
I love you, Dad.
286
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,690
Now, don't you fellas worry.
287
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,692
This will all be over soon.
288
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,569
And... What the...?
289
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,406
We got to get rid of that window.
290
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,866
Where'd he go?
291
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,952
(grunting)
292
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,502
I can't imagine Dad
running away like this.
293
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,378
Leaving his father to die?
294
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,131
Even I wouldn't do that,
and I'm America's bad boy.
295
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,467
It's a heart-breaking situation.
296
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,886
(chuckles sadly)
297
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,721
Am I dead yet?
298
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,806
No.
299
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:27,932
How about now?
300
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,558
-No.
-Now?
301
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,560
I'll tell you when
you're dead, Grandpa.
302
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,645
Thank you.
303
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,689
(grunting)
304
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,156
Whew.
305
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:53,541
I'm not worthy to live
among civilized people.
306
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,793
(men coughing and grunting)
307
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,171
Even those guys
look too civilized for me.
308
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:02,341
(bird caws)
309
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:04,718
(gasps) I could live at sea.
310
00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:06,512
The sea forgives all--
311
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:08,430
Not like those
mean old mountains.
312
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,558
I hate them so much.
313
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,478
(men groaning)
314
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:15,771
The sea won't stand for this.
315
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,486
Uh, excuse me.
316
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,114
I'm fleeing in shame,
and I'd like to look my best.
317
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,245
Um, can I be a mate on your ship?
318
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:32,997
Preferably first mate.
319
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,665
Well, if you look closely
320
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:36,250
you'll see this is a taffy shop
321
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,877
shaped like a ship.
322
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,714
Oh, I like taffy,
but I don't deserve taffy.
323
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,049
(snoring)
324
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,676
Hey, hey!
325
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:47,011
What?
326
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:49,138
Krusty here to cheer you up
327
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,558
as part of the hospital's
last laugh program.
328
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:54,351
Last laugh?
329
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:57,646
So, how about
that hospital food, huh?
330
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,399
I wouldn't know.
I'm not allowed to eat.
331
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:03,903
Okay, well, let's have a look
at the old chart.
332
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,573
Oh, boy, ooh!
333
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:09,450
Looks like we're
both short on time.
334
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,160
So I'll go
to the big finish.
335
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,371
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
336
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:18,667
♪ To me! ♪
337
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,169
Feel better.
338
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,671
Come back, doctor.
339
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:26,216
(whistle blows)
340
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,844
A tramp steamer, that's perfect.
341
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,138
(panting)
342
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:34,683
(grunts)
343
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,853
I'd like to apply
for a job-- any job.
344
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,105
If you don't have a captain,
I could be that.
345
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,775
Argh. What other ships
have you been on?
346
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:46,111
I've been on that one,
the Taffy Shop.
347
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,322
Argh. Good enough.
348
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,325
(grunting)
349
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,618
Welcome aboard...
350
00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:56,455
the Ship of Lost Souls.
351
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,123
The name on the back
says Honeybunch.
352
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,460
Arr. I've been meaning
to paint over that.
353
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,796
Now, come and meet
the rest of the damned.
354
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:05,464
Did I mention they're...
355
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,716
lost souls?
356
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,093
Well, actually you did.
357
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:11,345
Argh...
358
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,144
(French accent) Ah, another lost soul
359
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,940
has joined
our world-weary ensemble.
360
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:24,316
Hey, who are you guys?
361
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,610
(mirthless laugh)
362
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,487
Who are we? No one.
363
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,239
Where are we sailing?
364
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,281
Nowhere.
365
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,866
Do we even exist?
366
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:33,951
Who knows?
367
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,786
Hey, let me off this thing.
368
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,538
Oh, don't listen to him.
369
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,915
-We exist all right.
-Whew!
370
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,836
We wander the seven seas,
trying to forget.
371
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,547
-Forget what?
-Oh, boy, here we go.
372
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:51,010
My story of jilted love
is long and bittersweet.
373
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:53,220
If anyone has to go
to the bathroom, go now.
374
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,264
I don't want you walking
around during my story.
375
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,433
My story's better, it has tigers.
376
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,728
I was born into wretched poverty.
377
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,188
So one day, I stole
a loaf of bread,
378
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:05,107
put it in the freezer
until it was very hard,
379
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,608
then robbed a bank with it.
380
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,027
(gasps)
381
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:14,241
And when Mr. Dinkley
saw what I had done
382
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,078
I was banned
from the car wash forever.
383
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,080
Forever? How awful.
384
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,790
I would have killed Dinkley for that.
385
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:22,833
As you can see
386
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:24,960
we're a contemptible lot of cads
387
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,920
bounders and tiger stabbers.
388
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,840
Come, stranger--
join our circle of infamy.
389
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:33,635
Tell us your story of Ennui.
390
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,765
Well, back on land,
my name was Homer Simpson,
391
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,267
and I guess it is here, too.
392
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,352
I promised my dad
one of my kidneys,
393
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,104
but I chickened out
at the last minute
394
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:45,898
and left him
on his deathbed.
395
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,357
Good lord.
396
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:48,567
Oh, how could you?
397
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:50,235
I think I'm going to be sick.
398
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,322
I stole this accordion
from a blind monkey,
399
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,074
but you...!
400
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:57,159
You disgust even me.
401
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,660
Well, yeah, I know...
402
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,371
(screams)
403
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:06,794
(whistle blows)
404
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,961
That's the last time I trust
405
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,922
the strangest people on Earth.
406
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,763
(spitting and coughing)
407
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,765
Even the sea won't forgive me.
408
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,642
That's the best sand castle
409
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,185
we've ever built, Dad.
410
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,312
We make a great team, son.
411
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,818
Oh, I wish I had that kind
of relationship with my father...
412
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,195
or my kids.
413
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:37,866
Well, I guess it's up to me
to take the first step.
414
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,703
-(sobbing)
-Hey!
415
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,372
WOMAN (on P. A.):
Dr. Bombay, come right away.
416
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:46,416
All right, this is it--
no more living in shame.
417
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:50,379
I'm going to show my family
the kind of man I really am.
418
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,133
(whimpering)
419
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,009
All right, I'm going to...
420
00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:58,804
(whimpering)
421
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,392
(shrieks)
422
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:05,310
(device beeping)
423
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,939
Aren't you going to give
him the last rites?
424
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:10,941
That's Catholic, Marge.
425
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:13,485
You might as well ask me
to do a voodoo dance.
426
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,237
Dr. Hibbert, I thought you'd located
427
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,947
another kidney for grandpa.
428
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:18,490
Larry Hagman took it.
429
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:21,451
He's got five of them now
and three hearts.
430
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:22,619
We didn't want
to give them to him,
431
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,163
but he overpowered us.
432
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,456
Don't worry about old grandpa.
433
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,084
I'm going to a better place...
434
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,878
Shelbyville Hospital.
435
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,087
(grunting)
436
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,047
Oh, who am I kidding?
437
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,716
I'm a goner.
438
00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,342
HOMER: No, you're not, Dad.
439
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,178
-Dad!
-(gasps) Homer!
440
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,345
Son!
441
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,264
I'm sorry, Dad.
442
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,974
The way I behaved
was shameful.
443
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,226
I guess fear
made me run away...
444
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,313
But love made me come back.
445
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,148
Bless you, son.
446
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,526
I knew you'd come through for me.
447
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:59,323
Now, Homer, this may sting
just a tiny bit but...
448
00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:03,202
Oh, son of a...!
449
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:06,371
(panting and whimpering)
450
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,791
Oh, dear.
451
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,503
(screaming)
452
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:15,923
Whew! Boy, that--
453
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,341
(screams)
454
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,470
He's waking up.
455
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,264
Oh, Homie, I'm so glad
you're all right.
456
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:27,434
(groans)
457
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:28,852
Try not to move, Dad.
458
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,938
You swallowed a lot of motor oil.
459
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,190
I'm sorry I ran off again.
460
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,485
Oh, I guess Dad
must be dead by now.
461
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,195
When I get better
462
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,822
and, after I build those
shelves for the kitchen...
463
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,491
we'll visit his grave.
464
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,201
GRANDPA: Grave, nothing.
465
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:46,495
I never felt more alive.
466
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,579
(laughing)
467
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:48,747
(bones cracking)
468
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,624
Oh, boy, I shouldn't have done that.
469
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,084
It's a miracle.
470
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,086
You recovered.
471
00:20:54,169 --> 00:20:57,756
(all chuckle nervously)
472
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:58,882
What?
473
00:20:58,966 --> 00:20:59,841
What?
474
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,678
Hey.
475
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,763
While we were setting
your broken bones
476
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,431
and putting your blood back in
477
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,933
we helped ourselves to a kidney
478
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:09,184
and gave it to your father.
479
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,770
You butcher, give it back!
480
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:12,854
Give me that!
481
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,273
(Grandpa laughs)
482
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,984
♪ Na, na, na-na. ♪
483
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,278
HOMER: Don't you dance
out that door, you--
484
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,238
I'll get my kidney back, old man.
485
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,906
You have to sleep sometime.
486
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,409
I know you're a little peeved
at Grandpa, Dad.
487
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:27,619
But you've done a wonderful thing.
488
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:30,539
Yes, you've shortened
your life significantly
489
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,625
so someone else can have
a slight extension of theirs.
490
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,836
Yeah, I guess you're right.
491
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:37,087
Give me a hug.
492
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,131
Ah...
493
00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:41,049
I don't need two kidneys.
494
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,177
I have everything I need right here.
495
00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:45,637
Hmm.
496
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:48,181
Dad, you're tickling me.
497
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,976
Yes, tickling...
498
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,103
Hmm?
499
00:21:58,567 --> 00:21:59,943
(theme music playing)
500
00:22:39,566 --> 00:22:40,692
Shh.
501
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,781
{\an8}Captioned by
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