All language subtitles for The Nanny S03 E22

Oh, my neck is killing me.

Who ever knew a tennis match
could be so strenuous?

Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.

Agassi's tush.
Sampras's tush.

Fran, you've never been
to a tournament before?

Well,
a Mah Jong tournament.

The only thing that gets
those tushes moving

is to rip the cellophane
off the deli platter.

You know, I came here
to see some famous athletes.

Where's Monica Seles,
Shaq, Joe Montana?

Brighton, just because
they own the place

doesn't mean they're
actually gonna be here
bussing tables.

Hi. I'm Monica Seles.

Welcome to
the All Star
Cafe.

Oh, my God,
do you know
who this is?

What am I, an idiot?

Honey, can I substitute
slaw for beans?

Miss Fine,
this woman has won

every single major tennis
tournament in the world.

Well, actually,
Dad, I don't think
she's won Wimbledon.

You know what?
I'll take her beans.

Oh, Miss Seles,
I am so embarrassed.

I mean, I never expected
you to be serving.

Oh, serving!
[CHUCKLES]

I'll send your
waiter
right over.

You know, I have always
wanted to learn how to
play tennis.

What happened?

Well, it's a very
big time
commitment,

and I was always
very
career-oriented.

What happened?

You know, Fran,
if you wanted,

I could teach you
how to play tennis.

Oh, well, thanks, B,

but I kind of
have my eye on
that

cute blond instructor
at the end of the bar.

Am I not cute?
Am I not blond?

Shut up, Maggie!

Sweetie,
let's put it this
way,

if things don't work out
between me and gorgeous,
I am all yours.

I'm all yours.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how
she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl
we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Oh, dear God.

Niles, please tell
me
you've cut out

all the reviews
of my new play

because they're so good
you're having them
framed.

Okay.

Damn it! I was hoping
this show would be my
Cats.

Oh, Niles,
what's wrong with
me?
I'm-- I'm bloody

With all due respect,
sir, there are so many people

in this world
less fortunate than you.

Some are in this very room.

Oh, you mean because
you're just a
servant.

Well...

No family,
no home of your own.

Mmm-hmm.

No future.

Been doing the same thing
for the last 25 years

that you'll most likely
be doing till the day
you die.

Right. How are you
feeling now, sir?

You know--
you know what's
really bothering me?

Carrying around
that big fat wallet
giving you a hernia?

-What did you say?
-Tea?

Maxwell, did you read
Vincent Canby's review
in theNew York Times?

Oh, it was brutal.

I just put it on the floor
and let Chester give him
a little rebuttal.

C.C., you are amazing.

Thank you, Maxwell.

But don't you
want
to know why?

Why push?

Oh, hi. Hi, Chester.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Oh, gee,

Chester,
if only you were Jewish

with a dog house
in Great Neck.

C.C., we just put
our heart and soul

into this new
play,
and it bombed.

Why aren't you more upset?

Because Broadway will be
dead in 50 years, but I won't.

Cryonicsuspension.

Do you mean you're
gonna have your body
frozen after you
die?

Yep. I'm planning
the ultimate revival.

Me.

Nobody wanted
to see the
original.

Who'd want to
bring it back?

I wouldn't want
to come back.

I mean, it would
be so hard to adjust.

You'd feel like
a freak of nature.

You'd have no friends.

Your last date
would have been
100 years ago.

And you know what?
Go for it.

I'm even thinking
of having Chester frozen
so we can come back together.

-Wouldn't that be nice?
-Oh.

Come on,
you little hairball.

You know, I should
freeze myself right
now.

I mean, here I am,
42 years old,

and what have I really
achieved, hmm?

Produced one mediocre play
after another.

Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

There's a lot of people
much less fortunate than you

right here in this room.

Look at Niles.

Hey, Dad.

So, are you off
to another disastrous day
of tennis with Miss Fine?

Well, I can't
today,
but you know what?

She's actually pretty good.
She even taught me
a few things.

Like what?

How to return a serve
when you don't have
the receipt?

-Oh, Brighton, come on,
let's go play tennis.
-Oh, sorry, Fran.

I gotta read
To Kill a
Mockingbird
by Friday.

Oh, Brighton,
I have two words for you.

"Blockbuster Video."

Oh, to enhance
the reading experience.

Perhaps you would
like to go out

and play tennis
with Miss Fine, sir.

Yeah.

Niles, the last thing
I need right now

is a round
of beginner's tennis.

Of course, sir,

you'd completely destroy
and humiliate her,

making her feel like
a bigger loser than you are.

Get my racket.

So, Miss Fine,
are you ready
to play with
me?

You bet.

And when we're done,
how about a little tennis?

-Little big shot.
-So I won a tennis match...

-I had the sun in my eyes.
-...who cares?

It was no fair.

We weren't even keeping score.

I slaughtered him,
six-four.

I creamed his little
Englishtokhes.

Get out.
You beat Dad at tennis?

Oh, I'll tell you,
I felt so bad for the guy.

It was really sad.

He had this look
on his face,

like when I'm eating
Haagen-Dazs

and my spoon hits
the cardboard.

Oh, this is bad.

Perhaps he'd feel better

if I prepared
his favorite
soup.

Cream of Englishtokhes.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Niles, have this restrung,
would you?
-Absolutely, sir.

Is there anything
else
I can do for you?

Yes, you can make
me some of that soup.

Oh, and you may use
your owntokhes

because it's soon
to be canned.

He's got no sense of humor.
That's why his
comedy's a flop.

Niles, he is really going
over the deep end about
this.

This must be some kind
of underlying problem.

And do you know
what that is?

Daddy's inability to
cope with minor setbacks

indicating a larger and deeper
emotional problem?

Well, there's no
point
in me saying it
'cause

Well, look, obviously
he needs some therapy.

You know, maybe Dad
should get some therapy.

-It really hurts me
to see him in pain.
-Yeah.

Hey, we wouldn't have to
go as a family or anything,

'cause, you know,
I've got dates and stuff.

You people are dreaming
if you think you're gonna

be able to get
Dad into therapy.

Oh, I'll get him
there.
And do you know how?

Under false pretenses
by telling him

Dr. Bort needs to talk
to him about me

when in reality
the session's for him?

Well, there's no point
in me saying it 'cause
she already did.

You know, I always thought
that
I'd make a good therapist.

Yes.
Well, I guess you would...

Because I'm
really
a good listener,
you know,

and some people
just can't get
a word in edgewise.

Yeah.
That always seems to be...

I mean, it takes
a very sensitive
person

to know when someone
needs to talk.

You know,
when the doctor comes in,

you could chime in
once in a while.

I'm terribly sorry.

Dr. Bort has been called away,
but her associate can see you.

Oh, but when will
she be back?

I don't want some
second-rate associate.

[GASPS]

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I'm filling in for Dr. Bort.
I hope you don't mind.

Oh, who cares
about that loser?

Was she ever
onHollywood Squares?

Oh, Dr. Brothers,
I have read every
one of your books.

The Language of Feeling.

That's David Viscott.

The Ten Stupid
Things Women Do.

Laura Schlessinger.

You're Much Taller In Person.

Dr. Ruth.

Well, enough about you.

Tick-tock.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

Now, the reason why
I made this appointment
for Mr. Sheffield...

W-what? Wait a minute.

You mean you brought me here
under false pretenses?

You know, I told Gracie
that was a bad idea.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

-I don't need any
bloody therapy.
-No, you don't.

-Are you Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?
-Yes, that's right.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm a very busy man,
so I'll...

I just loved
your new show.

I thought the reviews
were completely off the
mark.

Well, I suppose I could
stay for a little while.

Wow! You are good.

For your information,

I have written
10 bestsellers.

Let it go, Joyce.

Now, why are we here?

Well, the fact
is,
Dr. Brothers,

there's nothing
wrong with me.

My-- my last show
failed,
so I've just been

in a little bit
of
a bad mood
lately.

[SCOFFS] A bad mood?

You have been biting
everyone's head off,
left and right.

Watch this.

I sat on some Junior Mints
on your new suede chair.

[YELLS] You what?

Can you believe what
I have to live with?

Do you know what
your problem is?

You don't know
how it feels to fail

at something you put
so much effort into.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know
that new suede chair
with the Junior Mint
stain?

I tried to color in the
rest
with brown Magic
Marker.

A huge failure. Happy?

Look, I don't know
why everyone wants to make
such an issue out of this.

The fact is I just
have to come to grips

with the fact that
I am 42 years old,

and despite having
every opportunity
money can buy,

my life has amounted to zip.

-Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
-Let him go.

He's just going through
a little midlife crisis.

It's very common
among men his age.

Oh, you know,
I've read about
that.

Next thing you
know,
he'll be trying to
prove his virility

in the arms of the
next
gorgeous young thing
to cross his path.

Out of my way, Joyce.

Oh, this book
is
fascinating.

-It chronicles the stages
of your life by decades.
-Mmm-hmm.

Look at this.
"Women in their 30s
often lie about their
age."

-Oh, I know so many
women like that.
-Mmm.

Here's me, the 20s.

Oh, Niles, how did you
handle midlife crisis

back when you
were in your 40s?

I think I killed
someone who lied
about being in their
20s.

You two are not
going
to believe this.

-I got a message
on my answering machine.
-Oh, my God.

Crack the champagne.

I am so happy for you, dear.

Very funny, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Maxwell is
quitting
the theater.

Oh, he is a classic
textbook case.

If Maxwell leaves the
theater,
what am I gonna do?

Oh, you were born
rich.
Retire.

Go spend time with
all your friends,

and when you come back,
you can lick the spoon.

Oh, look, Dr. Brothers
said it'll probably pass.

I mean, at least it's not
like when my father went
through his midlife crisis.

He wanted ma
to get into swinging.

What happened?

Well, the other swingers
saw them.

Fran, Fran,
you gotta hide me, quick.

-What? What's wrong?
-[MAXWELL] Hey, Mags,

what do you say we hit
Tower Records, hey?

Cruise the bins.

Fran, help me.
Help me so much.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Sheffield,

Maggie cannot go
to the record store

because I caught her
smoking and drinking.

What? You are grounded
for three weeks, young
lady.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

If he's not over this
by then,

I'll tell him
you're pregnant.

C.C: Maxwell,
I'm only saying
this

because I am
thinking
of you.

Why are you doing
this to me?

C.C., life is short.

You should go back
to doing what you
did
when you were young.

Oh, sir, there's so little call
nowadays for Civil War nurses.

Miss Babcock,
you're being so
selfish.

I mean, this
man
is questioning

the very meaning of his life.

[GASPS]

You died your gray streak?

What the hell
is wrong with
you?

I happen to like
it.
I think it takes
10 years off.

Catch you later, babe.

That was my gray streak.

I caused it,
and it was mine to remove.

Were those Brighton's jeans?

Oh, I'll tell you,
it is so pathetic

seeing someone
trying to desperately

recapture their youth
by dyeing their hair

and wearing
skin-tight clothes.

Oh, you know,
I shouldn't be
so hard on him.

I mean, who knows?
Someday, the same thing
could happen to me.

Oh, ma, you're on a diet?

You can tell already?

Actually,
your can gave it away.

Oh, thank you.

Have some,
darling.
It's delicious.

Mmm. What's in this?

You just add powder
and some non-fat
milk
and ice cream.

Ice cubes, ma.

The ice cream gives
you
a little body.

No, it doesn't.

Ma, I need some advice.

Mr. Sheffield is going through
a midlife crisis,

and I don't know how
to pull him out of it.

Marry him.

Well, how's that
gonna help him?

Who cares?
Better we should be
happy.

Just be grateful
that he's not going
through

what your father
went through in the
'70s.

Do you remember this?

That's Daddy's old
Mod Squad

I can't believe
you held onto it.

It's non-abrasive on Teflon.

Why's he going through
a midlife crisis, anyway?

I mean, just because
he's over 40

and his play's a flop,
and I beat him at tennis.

What?

Have I taught you nothing?

You never beat
a man at
anything

until after you're married.

Is that how daddy won
that pie-eating contest
on your first date?

It wasn't easy.
It was chocolate cream.

[FRAN EXCLAIMING]

Ma, what you did for love.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

MAXWELL:Miss Fine.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, my God.
Ma, look at what he did.

He bought himself a Porsche.

Now, what does he think
that's gonna get him?

Mrs. Feldman's daughter,
Mrs. Lieberman's
daughter,

Mrs. Winetraub's daughter.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ma, lower the fire escape.
I'm going in.

Hi. I'm Dotty.

You new here in the building?

-[CAR HORN HONKING]
-Oh, well, actually, I'm
just...

I'm talking here, Vito.

My fiancé.

If you like me,
I'll dump him.

Are you stalled?
Do you need a jump?

FRAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!

If anybody's gonna jump him,
it's gonna be me.

Keep moving.

Come on, you gold diggers.

Dotty, you're engaged.

Haven't you ever seen
a single, gorgeous
millionaire before?

[EXCLAIMING]

SYLVIA:Louder, Fran, they
didn't hear you in Jersey.

Mr. Sheffield,
what are you
trying to prove?

I'm not trying
to prove
anything,
Miss Fine.

I'm just trying to
enjoy
the rest of my life.

So I'm not
successful.
So what?

Everyone has a flop
every now and again.

Even Andrew Lloyd Webber
had...

well, let's just
get in the car.

Oh, what are you
talking about?

You're the most successful
person I know.

Miss Fine,
you don't
understand.

I had a
privileged
upbringing.

I should have achieved
much more than I did.

I wasn't brought up
like you just to find
a husband and get
married.

Well, finding a husband
isn't all I want.

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, come on,
can we just move?

Because she's got
a frozen lasagna up there
that could wipe us both out.

Look, all I'm saying
is that you didn't have

the same advantages
that I had.

I-- I was sent
to the best schools
money could buy.

Yeah. Well, meanwhile,
your parents sent you away
when you were six years old.

I mean, where were they when
you lost your first tooth?

Hi, how you doing?

On safari in South Africa.

But they sent me
a Kruggerand

to my headmaster
to put under my pillow.

Uh-huh.

You know, how many times
did you get

to run into your mother
and father's bedroom

when it was thunder
and lightning out?

Well, I tried once.

But by the time I got
there,
the storm had passed.

Very big house.

Sounds like I was the one

with the privileged
upbringing.

I mean, I come
from a very close
and loving family.

Am I bleeding?

I think it's just
raspberry filling.

Hmm.

You know, a lot of people
with your kind of money

would have just sat back
and nightclubbed
with the jet setters.

That would have been
my route.

But you went to work,
mister.

You know, you're right.

-I-- I came to this country
all by myself.
-Yes, you did.

Started a very
successful business
out of nothing.

Plus you raised
three terrific kids

absolutely without
any help from anyone.

Wait a minute.

It's true. It's true.

You know, I
really
haven't done
that

considering I was
bloody handicapped
emotionally.

Please, you're completely
dysfunctional.

Feel better?

[CHUCKLES]
Yes. Yes, Miss Fine,
as a matter of fact, I
do.

I feel a lot better.

Thank you very much.

Now, um,
while I'm still
feeling
a little bit

what do you
say,
you and me,

one last hurrah?

Mr. Sheffield.

Isn't this
thrilling,
Miss Fine?

[MUMBLING]

What a machine!
Just feel it
vibrate.

Yeah. But who can enjoy it?

I'm not really used
to
driving on this
side

so if I start drifting
over,
just let me know.
All right?

Okay. Drifting over!
Drifting over!

All right.
Let's really gun it,
huh?
Hang on, Miss Fine.

[TIRES SKIDDING]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Wait! Wait!

I just had such a flashback
to my old boyfriend.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]