All language subtitles for Ed.And.His.Dead.Mother.1993.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Ed.

Just Ed?

- Edward.

Edward Chilton.

- Edward Chilton.

Well, now, we have quite
a file here, don't we, Ed?

Are we proud of it?

- Ah, I should think not.

It says here that you cut
your mother's head off.

Is that right?

So you're a mother killer.

That's your game, eh, Edward?

- No.

Absolutely not.

- Well, excuse my conjecture,

but I think if you cut
her head off,

it sort of follows that you
killed her, does it not?

- No, sir.

She was already dead.

- You cut your mother's
head off after she was dead?

Son, you are one
sick individual.

Your Honor,

this whole case that my
esteemed colleague

is attempting to build
is nothing but a sham!

Now, I have here a letter that
will prove, once and for all,

that my client is innocent.

Innocent as a white lamb
suckling against its mother.

Innocent as a fresh fall of
snow on a forest of pine.

Innocent as a newborn babe
nestling in his mother's arms.

Innocent as a 15 year old
virgin covered in honey,

her nipples pert and erect,

topping a pair of supple
but not yet quite formed--

- Would you just show
me the letter?

Oh, yes,
the letter.

- How did I ever get
myself into this?

- Sex, that's what
it's all about.

From the onset of puberty,

what occupies 90% of our time?

The pursuit of sex, right?

Ed,

sex is life,

and if it was a pronoun,
she'd be it.

Our new neighbor is some
piece of work.

I'm doing this for your benefit.

You could at least
feign excitement.

Have you heard anything
I've been saying here?

Another perfectly good
lecture gone to waste.

Ed, you got to start
putting this behind you.

- Uncle Benny, she was my
mother, and I miss her.

Is that so terrible?

- No, no, that's fine, that's
great, that's wonderful,

but the fact remains

that you're here and she's dead.

Gone.

Buried.

Kaput.

Deceased.

Pushing up the daisies.
- I get the idea.

You don't act like it.

You've gotta start
forgetting her.

Hey, you got $60,000 from
her insurance.

That pretty much would
covered my grief on anybody.

- I just find it a little
hard to get along without her.

Ed, you're dysfunctional.

- I am not!

I'm a normal son mourning the
loss of his beloved mother.

- For almost a year.

I didn't mourn the wreck

of my first Studebaker
for that long.

- I don't think it Studebaker

is on the same level as Mother.

Besides, I made her a promise.

- Big deal!

You lie, I do it all the time.

Hey, do you think that
she's gonna know

the difference anyway?

- That's not the point.

- Ed, mothers were made
to be lied to.

You didn't act this way
when your father died.

- That was 10 years ago.

Besides, I wasn't exactly
his favorite person.

- Your father loved you dearly.

- He hated my guts.

- Hate's kind of a strong word.

- Always called me Junior.

And he always wore that stupid
hat just to annoy Mother.

- I kinda liked his hat.

Ho, I'm gonna be
late for work.

- You own the place!

What are you gonna do,
fire yourself

if you're five minutes late?!

- Not me.

Mother's the one who
can't tolerate tardiness.

- Ed, she's dead.

Quit talking about her
in the present tense!

- Morning, Big Lar.

Good morning.

- Thanks for opening up.

I'm running a little late.

- No problem, Mr. Chilton.

- Can you, uh...

Thanks.

Yeah?
- I picked up this

new brochure from
America's Best.

Their line of mulching mowers
has been totally revamped.

They're looking good.

- We've been through
this already, Big Lar.

Side discharge mowing was
good enough for Mother,

it's good enough for us.

- Maybe she was wrong
about this, Mr. Chilton.

Things change, you know?

I've been looking around.

Mulching mowers are
selling real good all over.

- The decisions been made.

I don't wanna discuss it.

- Chilton Hardware.

Tool for every need,
a need for every tool.

Mm-hm.

The longest blades we got,
13 inches.

Oh, I surely think
you could slice

your cheating whore of
a wife in two with it.

Mm-hm.

Well, that'd work too.

Of course, a chainsaw is gonna
cost you quite a bit more.

Mm-hm.

Well, whenever you decide,
you drop on by.

God bless you too.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

- I'm looking for the owner
of this fine establishment.

- That'd be Mr. Chilton.

That's right.

- Thank you.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

- Well, now, Mr. Chilton,
I believe you may.

Or rather, I think we may
be able to help each other.

My name is Pattle.

AJ Pattle, the Happy
People Corporation

of Webster City, Iowa.

Heard of us?

Not many people have.

We sort of cater to a
select clientele,

if you know what I mean.

Is there some place
we could talk?

- Right here is fine with me.

- Uh, I was thinking of
someplace a bit more private.

What I'm selling ain't
exactly hardware.

Because I could tell
you right now, mister,

I'm not interested.

- Nothing illegal.

And you are gonna be interested.

- Back here.

Have a seat.

Well?

- Edward Joseph Chilton,

your mother died almost a
year ago, and you miss her.

Well, that's only natural,

seeing as how you're such
a mama's boy and all.

No, I mean that in the
best possible sense.

- Life.

Insurance?
- Not insurance.

Just plain life.

Fun, joy, dancing in
the moonlight,

you know, that kinda stuff.

Ed, what if I told you that
for a mere thousand dollars,

life can be yours?

A thousand dollars for life.

Almost too good to be
true, wouldn't you say?

- But I'm already alive.

- Not you.

Your mother.

- Yes.

For a thousand bucks, we'll
bring her back to life.

- Ed, this isn't the Second
Coming we're talking here.

It's a simple reanimation.

We do it all the time.

You know, we've got a customer
list as long as your arm.

Farmers, poets, politicians,
rock stars,

we've dealt with them all.

Did you know that some of
the top people in Washington

have been dead for years?

- Oh, this is nuts.

No, no, I'm sorry, I
think you better leave.

- Well, this isn't
for everybody.

You don't want your
mother back alive.

That's certainly your option.

- Wait, wait.

Did you say that I don't
have to pay a penny

until you bring
Mother home alive?

- It's guaranteed.

- Morning, Ed.

- I'll get right back to you.

It's nobody, just go
back to bed.

- But I thought that I saw--
- Go back to bed!

- I--
- Now!

Jeez.

The boy gets more like
his mother every day.

- It's 5:30 in the morning.

- Yup, it's 5:30.

You're right.

Something wrong?

- Ed, why don't you come
over to my car a second?

Did you get Mother?

You didn't get her, did you?

- Oh, your mother's right here.

- You put my mother
in the trunk?

- Well, jeez, Ed, she's dead.

You think I wanna get
her all over my seats?

- Let me see her.

- I don't know, Ed,
she's been dead a while.

It's not real pretty.

- I wanna see her.

Oh my god, she's in pieces!

Well, that's kind
of the problem.

Why'd you cut her up?!

- That's how we found her.

She donate some of her
organs or something?

Well, she donated some

to the Oy Gevalt
School of Medicine.

Mother was big on education.

- Well, that's nice, but
this, this is a disaster.

It's like putting a car
together without a transmission.

Can't you do something?

- I don't know, Ed.

I mean, oh, here, look at this.

If we reanimate with her
brain like this,

she's gonna be good
for slobbering

and watching Married With
Children and that's about it.

It's hardly worth the effort.

- Wait, wait, you have
to do something.

We made a deal.

- Oh, we're pretty backed up.

A job like this will take
a lot of time.

Now, we'd be talking some
real money to do it right.

- We agreed on a price.

I'm not paying you a penny more.

- Ed, you don't have to
put down one red cent.

And despite all the trouble,

I'm gonna make it worth
every penny to you.

I'll even take the rush
charges on the cuff.

- No catch.

Just that when your mother
does come back to life

and you're perfectly
satisfied she's all right,

it's gonna cost, um, 3,500.

- We agreed on a thousand.

- Aw, come on, Ed,
be reasonable.

You didn't tell me she
was chopped to pieces.

You couldn't have done a
much better job

if you'd run her through
a sausage grinder.

And to top it off, half
her organs are missing.

You know how hard it is to
find a replacement kidney

for a 1936 two-legged
Caucasian female?

- 2,500.

That doesn't even cover
my gas to drive here.

I might as well stick
her back in the grave

and put a rock on her.

- Take it or leave it.

- All right.

But I gotta have a
thousand upfront.

My company will throw
this out the door,

but if I have your
check in hand,

it's not a lot they can do.

- Wait here.

But I want her alive and back
at the house tomorrow night

by midnight or else
the deal's off.

- You drive a hard bargain.

- My mother was a hardware man.

She taught me it's better
to be a hammer than a nail.

- Thank you, God.

Thank you.

Great.

Great.

All right.

A week.

No, make that a month, a
month of going to church

if you'll just make a
turn around.

Do it.

Please.

Turn around.

Oh, there you are.

I thought maybe you'd
gone to bed.

- Why, thanks, Ed.

I don't mind if I do miss the
opportunity of a lifetime.

- Never mind.

What are you all dolled up for?

- No reason.

Shouldn't you be off to bed?

You look really tired.

It's only
nine o'clock.

This place is a mess.

Guess my little talk did
some good, huh?

So you have protection?

Shield that gator, no
regrets later.

- Uncle Benny.

- I'm your uncle.

It's my job to ask you
these questions.

Now, look, you want me to
hide in the kitchen and watch?

That way I can call
out suggestions

in case you get stuck on
what to do next?

- This isn't what you think.

I don't--
- I understand.

You're shy.

You want some privacy.

Forget I even asked.

I'll just wish you well
and toddle off to bed.

But if she should prove to
be more than you can handle,

I'll be right up here.

Mother?

- No.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I was
expecting someone else.

- No, not at all.

- I was just coming home
and I saw your light on,

so I thought I'd come
over and introduce myself.

Oh.

- My name is Storm.

As in electrical.

- I'm Ed Chilton.

I own Chilton's Hardware
over on 4th and Union.

Say, if you need any locks
and bolts or anything,

just give me a holler.

I've also got a whole new
line of snap-on tools.

- I've seen you watching me.

- No, um, that's not mine.

I mean, that's not me.

I, uh...

- I like it when you watch me.

- You like to have
people watch you?

- No, not people.

Just you.

- Are you sure you have
the right neighbor?

- Positive.

- No, ma'am, it sure doesn't.

Do you want me?

Yes or no?

- Yes.

Mm, oh.

Did I say yes?

I meant no.

- Um, well, uh, let me
qualify that.

I mean no as in not right now.

But some other time, big yes.

You don't mind leaving
by the backdoor, do you?

- Wait, Ed, there's a
nine-foot fence out there.

Well, get a good run,
you should be able to clear it.

Eddie, I'm home!

Is it really you?

- Yes, Eddie, it's really me!

- This is my favorite
part of the job.

- Oh, this nice man gave
me a ride home.

Give him a tip, dear,
so he can be on his way.

- I'll settle for my check.

Oh.

- Oh my goodness!

I know just what's been
going on here.

You do?

- What mother worth her
salt wouldn't?

- Oh, could you make this out

to the Happy People Corporation?

- It wasn't my fault, Mother.

I just opened the door
and she was--

- I know it wasn't your fault,
Eddie.

It was Uncle Benny's fault.

He's been spying on the
neighbors again.

Thought I got rid of this
thing years ago.

Oh, no!

Who's been putting
their feet up on a sofa?

- Well, I can see you two
have a lot to talk about,

so I'll be on my way.

- Uh, thank you, Mr. Pattle.

Eddie dear, your
milk and cookies are ready!

- Morning, Uncle Benny.

- Ed, your mother's in
the refrigerator.

- Oh, good morning, dear.

Are you ready for your
cranberry juice?

- Thank you.

What am I gonna do?

- Ed, I got up this
morning, got the newspaper,

poured my Corn Flakes,
opened the refrigerator.

You can well imagine my surprise

when I saw your mother sitting
there feeling potatoes.

I'm having a little
trouble dealing with this,

so give me just a minute, okay?

I hope you
didn't dig to the bottom

of the Corn Flakes for the
prize like you always do!

And that reminds me, Benny,

have you been putting
your feet up on the sofa?

It's absolutely filthy!

- Ed, this is a
goddamn nightmare!

- Benny!

I will not have that sort
of talk in this house!

Shut the door!

- You brought her back,
didn't you?

- Don't be silly, she was dead,
how could I bring her back?

- I don't know, but
it makes sense.

You're the one that
wanted her back.

You're the one who's
always crying

about how you couldn't
live without her.

Did you publish one of
those prayers

to Saint Jude in the
paper again?

Is that how you did this?

Benny?

!

Shut up and
eat your Corn Flakes!

- Ed, listen to me!

This is not meant to be.

It's just not right!

This is morally wrong!

Where the hell is my telescope?!

- Hi, Ed.

- Hi there.

- I wanted to apologize
for last night.

I got a little lonely
and had a couple drinks.

- Oh, please, I'm the one who
should be apologizing to you

for rushing you out that way.

Maybe we
could have dinner.

Uh, sure.

- Actually, I can't tonight.

We're having a little
trouble with Mother.

She's not feeling too good.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably the heat.

- Yeah, that could be.

Um, I should be
getting off to work.

So...

I have a car.

- Benny.

What are you doing?

Boy, this takes the
frosting right off my cake.

I guess hiding it wasn't enough,
huh?

Had to destroy the damn thing.

Give it to me.

Give it to me!

Oh.

- Afternoon.

Good afternoon.

- Excuse me, sir, what...

Oh my god.

- There's nobody out there.

Hardly pays to stay
open anymore.

Oh, Edward.

What are you doing out?

I thought you got 10 years.

- Time off for good behavior.

Hell, I'm a model citizen.

Oh.

Mm.

Where's your mom?

- She's not here.

- Oh, too bad.

I wanted to see her.

You know, she should
never had sent me away,

should never have pressed
those charges against me.

That was a stupid thing to do.

- You were stealing from us.

- I steal from everyone.

You don't see them getting all
hyper about it, now do you?

Hm?

- Mother did what was right.

- You see, Edward,

sometimes when you do what's
right, do what's right,

you have to pay the price.

Does that make sense?!

So where is she?

- Well, I'll be darned.

Rob Sundheimer.

Has it been 10 years already?

Boy, time sure does pass.

How's your little
brother Timmy doing?

He's still going to school?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, he's over
in college over at Ames.

He's doing real well.

- Good for him.

I bet your mom's real happy

that at least one of you is
gonna amount to something.

- Yeah, well, she's real proud.

We all are.

Well,

I guess I better skedaddle.

Say hi to your mom, Ed.

- Boy, oh, boy, I'd sure hate

to be in your shoes, Mr.
Chilton.

One day, a cow mooed at
him the wrong way,

whack, right between the eyes.

Darnedest thing.

- Mother, I'm home!

My god.

Uncle Benny!

Uncle Benny, what happened?

- She just collapsed.

- Guess we'll have
to rebury her.

Do you think we'll have
to get another plot

or will they let us
use the same one again?

Ed, don't go rushing off.

We can find out about
it tomorrow.

- I'm going to bring
the car around

to take her to the hospital,

which is what you should've
done in the first place.

- Whoa there, Ed!

Where are you going in
such a hurry?

- We've got to get
Mother to a doctor.

She's really sick.

- No, she's not sick.

She's dead.

- You brought her back to life.

- No, we brought her back
from the dead.

- Well, the difference is
she doesn't need a doctor.

They don't treat the dead.

- More life.

Have I not kept my word
on every deal we made?

I busted my hump on this deal
and this is the thanks I get?

Well, all right, fine.

I'm not gonna force you to
be ripped off by me anymore.

- What did you mean
before when you said

she needs more life?

- I'd sure enough like
to tell you, Ed,

but I'm a salesman.

That's how I make my living.

- I feel terrible about
charging you, Ed, I really do.

How much?

- 900.

900?!

- I'm giving you our Happy
People good customer discount.

$900?!

- Hey, we're talking
the secret of life here.

This isn't something you pick up

as a blue light special
down at Kmart.

- Boy.

- Make that out to the

Happy People Corporation.
- Corporation, yeah, I know.

She's right here.

- Give me some room to work, Ed.

- This is Mr. Pattle.

He's from the Happy
People Corporation.

- Yee-haw!

Pardon me.

I think I'll go fix supper.

- This kit contains life.

You get hurt two of these
every night before bedtime,

she'll be fine.

By the way, Ed, you're in luck.

These kits are on sale.

349.99.

- This is not right.

Lady's dead.

She shouldn't be here.

You oughta take her back.

- She isn't some Christmas
present you can return

just because it's
the wrong size.

Look, everybody panics at first,

but these things
always work out.

Why don't you just give it a
few days and see what happens?

Whoa!

Jesus!

Bugs?!

- Not bugs.

Life.

- I'm supposed to
feed these to--

- Uh-huh, every night
before bedtime, two of them.

Never more, never less.

- Oh my god.

Mother has to eat bugs.

- Oh, but only live ones

so she can add their
life to her own.

Throw out the dead ones.

They won't do her any good.

Unless, of course, she
just wants a snack.

You'll get used to it.

Everybody does.

When it's your time, why don't
you have Ed give us a call.

We'll see what we can do.

Ed.

Thanks for the business.

- Coming!

Yes, dear

- Oh, fine!

Supper's ready.

You poor fucks must be starved.

- That was kind of unusual
language for Mother,

didn't you think?

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ Happy people never die

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ People just like you and I

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ Happy people never die

- No, it won't be long, no.

I just have an important
question to ask you.

Have you ever considered the
advantages of perpetual life?

♪ Happy live forever

♪ Happy people never die

♪ Happy people

Thank you, sir.

- Thank You, Maureen.

- Come on, Sam, I just
sold Chilton a kit.

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, for 349.99.

Big deal.
- I gave him the sale price.

- Oh, come on, AJ.

The guy got 60 grand in
insurance money.

He doesn't need to be
buying shit on sale.

- He's a good kid, I thought
I'd give him a break.

- Look, we've got to
get what we can

out of this reanimation
thing as fast as possible.

The Japanese are working on

their own version,
you know that?

The Dutch already
have a prototype.

And it's rumored that
they're coming out

with home reanimation
software this fall.

It's play or fold time, AJ.

- I don't think it would
be so terrible

to let our customers be happy
once in a while, do you?

Go into the flower business.

You wanna stay in this business,

you make the final sale
to this hardware man

and you have his check on my
desk for $50,000 in two days.

- Morning, Uncle Benny.

Didn't this wall
used to be blue?

- Your mother painted
it this morning.

She also rearranged
the cupboards,

polished the silverware,
did all the floors,

started herself a dress,
and baked a few pies.

You want some?

- She ate all the bugs.

- Great deduction, Sherlock.

Well, how'd she get them?

- You know, Ed,

I didn't mind when you
drug out the Ouija board

or got those tarot cards or
had the seance at midnight.

Fine with me.

I didn't even mind when you
had the psychic readings

with that smelly, fat guy

that stunk up the
house for a week.

I never said a word.

But this is too much.

It's not right.

It's not meant to be.

I want you to go to that Mr.
Pattle,

ask for your thousand
dollars back--

- Actually, it's
more like 3,700.

Well, there were a few
extra expenses.

- Whatever.

Just get your money back

and have him put
your mother back

in her grave where she belongs.

- I don't think he's gonna
give me my money back.

- All right, forget the money.

Your mother's dead.

Let her rest in peace
for God's sakes.

- Darn it, Uncle Benny.

She's my mother.

I lost her once, I'm not
gonna lose her again.

I made her a promise.

- Hey, my favorite show's
about to come on telescope.

Television.

Hi, Ed.

- Hi.

- Oh, no, please.

I was just whittling a loon.

Can I get you a
lemonade or Popsicle?

- No thanks.

You wanna talk about it?

- Whatever's bothering you.

Is it your mother?

- No.

Why do you say that?

- Well, you said she
wasn't feeling well.

I thought maybe it was serious.

- It's not serious.

She's fine now.

I mean, she was a little sick.

- Okay, I'm sorry I asked.

- I'm sorry, I...

I guess I'm a little tired.

Maybe I should go to bed.

Ed?

Ed?

Mm

- Yeah, sure.

It's, uh...

You go through this door and
then up these stairs over here,

and that's your first
door on the left.

- Okay.

Yee-haw!

- Oh.

- Oh.
- Uh, I've gotta go.

Mother's calling.

- Oh, well, um, all right.

Uh, I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Woo!

Oh, hi, Eddie.

How's it hanging?

I saw you with that
neighbor girl.

- Oh, well, she's very nice,
Mother.

Oh, she's a tramp!

- No, she's not like
that at all.

- She'll break your heart.

Stay at home with me.

After all, that's where all
good sons belong anyhow.

Don't you think you
should settle down?

- Heck no.

Oh, I could dance the
whole night away!

Matter of fact, I just might.

- Well, I'm going to bed.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Morning,
Ed!

- Oh, good morning, Reverend.

Can I do for you?

- Have those 490-pound
spring-loaded,

blue gauge steel Ticonda
bear traps come in yet?

- Look, Reverend, I know
this is none of my business,

but are you really sure
that's what you want?

- You think maybe I should
get a stronger load?

- No.

What I meant was
shouldn't you try

marriage counseling or
something first?

- Ed, when that
whore gets caught

in a 490-pound spring-loaded,

blue gauge steel
Ticonda bear trap,

that's all the marriage
counseling we'll ever need.

- Look, I don't think I can--

- Ed, I like to grease the
high board better than anyone,

and if it was only four
or five guys,

I'd have no problem with that.

But when I come home and find
her doing the two backed beast

with the entire church council,

well, by God, that's
going too far,

especially since half
the council's women.

That's when I take a stand!

That's when I'm
counted as a man!

That's when I throw my
balls up over my shoulder

and charge into the fire!

Are you following this, son?

Just get me the trap.

- Right.

Chilton's Hardware.

Tool for every need,
need for every...

Oh, hi, Uncle Benny.

Oh.

Um, okay, well, I'll
be right home.

Excuse me, Reverend.

Uh, Big Lar, can you help
the Reverend, please?

Oh, boy.

- Then I said, if you
can't come down 10,000,

I'm walking out the door.

Then I walked out the door!

Right out the door!

Speed out the door!

- Ed!

I bet you remember
your Uncle Bill

and your Aunt Sophie.
- Aunt Sophie!

Hi, it's great to see you.
- From your father's side

of the family.
- Hello there, hi.

- Where's--
- You must mean your Aunt May,

your mother's
identical twin sister,

who's up visiting from
Missouri for couple of weeks.

- Oh, Aunt May, yes, right.

Where is she?

She's out
in the kitchen,

fixing a little lunch
for all of us.

I'll just go see
how she's doing.

Great idea.

- I just can't get over

how much May looks like
your late sister.

It's almost like having
her back from the grave.

- Exactly.

Oh, oh, oh.

- There.

Pardon my reach.

Oh, what cute little doggy.

Oh, thank you.

For the sandwiches.

- Oh, right.

I'll get it.

- Oh, boy, these look delicious.

I hope you didn't work
up too much of a sweat

just like all of us.

- Don't be silly.

No sweat at all.

As a matter of fact, I
found I stay much cooler

ever since I quit
wearing underwear.

- Well, let's dig in!

- Mm! Mm!

This is good.

Oh, that is delicious!

Mm, that's very different
flavors for me.

- Well, thank you.

I left the drinks in
the kitchen.

I'll go get them.

No, it's all right, dear.

I'll be right back.

- You know, I'm not real hungry.

Give that to little doggy.

Where's Tucker anyway?

- Tucker.

- Tuck.

- Tucker, wucker, Tucky.

Tucker!
- Tucky.

- Bill, please find him.

Tucker, where'd you go?

- Mother!

What are you doing?

- Making paste for the
sandwiches, why?

- Their dog was missing
and I thought--

- Oh, no, dear.

Their little doggy's right here.

- Tucker!
- Oh, now,

look at those cute bright eyes!

Down there, Tucker?

- Tucker, come on, Tucker.
- Here, Tucky.

- Mama, Tucky-Wucky, were are--

- Tucky, Tuck-Tuck.
- Tuck!

- Tucker!
- Tucky-Wucky, Tucker.

Little Tuck-Tuck!

- Go on, go.

You have to get rid of them,
Uncle Benny.

- Tuck!

- I don't know, but be subtle,
okay?

You don't wanna offend them.

- I'll take care of it.
!

Oh, look,
we found him!

Benny, we found Tuck.

We got our little Tucky back,
yes.

Hello, baby.

- Get the hell outta here!

Ed.

- What were you doing
in my house?

- Um, I was looking for you.

- I just had to see you again.

You wanna come inside?

- Sure, I have a few minutes.

- Ouch. Dammit.

It's gonna have to keep
her for tonight.

Here you go, sis!

Just the way you like
them, fresh and squiggly.

Yum-yum, yum-yum.

Come on, take them.

I don't wanna watch
unless I have to.

Ed!

Ed!

Ed!

- Uh, I think it's time
for me to be getting home.

- No.

No.

I think it's time for
the bedroom.

Mm.

Who could that be?

- I'll take care of it
and I'll be right back.

- Ed, there you are.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

- Uncle Benny,
what's the matter?

Ed, hurry up.

I'm waiting for you.

The neighbor?

Were you and her...

Oh my god.

Ed, you gotta let me go across
the street, get my camera.

This is definitely a
Kodak moment.

- Uncle Benny, what
did you want?

- It's your mother, she's gone.

How did she get out?

Maybe she just burrowed
out the basement.

- Did you check the
refrigerator?

- She's not in the refrigerator.

She's not anyplace in the house.

- Think maybe she went
down by the river?

- She could've gone
down by the river

to catch herself a rat.

- Oh, no. Let's go.

Uncle Benny, come on.

- Ed.

Ed?

- Ed had to go, but if you're
looking for some company,

I've got a few minutes
and I would be happy--

- Why, hello, Robert!

It's nice to see you again.

Oh, well, come and sit down.

- You know, everybody in town
kept telling me you were dead.

- Now, why would they tell
you a thing like that?

What'd you say?

- I said why would they
tell you a thing like that?!

- I don't know, but
it didn't work.

I'm gonna get you,

because once I start
out for revenge,

I never stop, never stop.

Does that make sense?

- Yes.

And good for you, Robert.

Stick-to-itiveness is a
virtue in any line of work.

Would you care for some tea?

- Oh, yeah, tea.

That sounds good.

Tea would really hit the spot.

Does that make sense?

- Oh, yes, of course.

I'll be right.

!

Mother!

We're never going to find her.

- You should go back home
in case she shows up there.

I'm gonna check the stockyards,

the animal shelter, and
the petting zoo,

just in case.

- Finger sandwiches.

- Oh, yes.

- This is frigging coffee!

You said tea!

- You know, you're
absolutely right.

Oh, how could I make such
a silly mistake?

I'll have some tea for
you in a second, dear.

Yeah.

- Oh my, this is so
embarrassing,

but we seem to be
all out of tea.

I'm afraid you'll just have to

settle for this!

We need to powwow.

- You never said anything
like this was gonna happen.

You told me this was gonna
be a clean deal, Mr. Pattle.

- How clean do you
expect it to be?

We make a living feeding
bugs to dead people,

for crying out loud.

- Look, all I know is
that we've gone

from the Happy
People Corporation

to Murder Incorporated in
one fell swoop.

- Do you think I'm a
happy man because of this?

Do you think I sleep
well at night?

Jeez, I can't remember
the last time

I got a good night's sleep.

And I've got an ulcer the
size of Lake Michigan.

- She killed a man.

- No, she killed a jailbird.

What's gonna happen to him?

Listen, sweetheart, I
didn't hire you

and put you in this home to
shake your ass a few times

and then run like a
scared rabbit

the moment things get a
little confusing around here.

You wanna keep this job,
you play ball, capisce?

- Yeah, I wanna keep this
job, but not that bad.

- She can't get out now.

There's only two keys.

We watch them both carefully,
everything will be fine.

Here's yours.

- Ed, you gotta do her.

What?

- Snuff her.

Rub her out.

Pump her full of lead.

Waste her.

Reintroduce her to
the big sleep.

That'd be murder.

Why are you always so dramatic?

How can it be murder?

She's already dead.

- Look, we've got new
locks on the doors.

We'll feed her lots of bugs.

That oughta keep her
at home nights.

Don't be stupid.

- I think it's a
perfectly logical solution

to the problem we have.

I think Mother would
agree with me.

- Oh, yeah, there's a
ringing endorsement.

Don't you understand?

Life is a drug and
she is addicted.

The more she gets, the
more she wants.

Yesterday was bugs.

Today, humans.

Tomorrow, horses?

What then

What are you gonna do?

Take her on an eating safari?

- I will not hurt Mother!

I made her a promise!

- What the hell is this promise
that you keep talking about?

- I promised her, that
no matter what,

I'd never say goodbye.

That's the promise?

Jeez, that's the dumbest
thing that I ever heard.

- It is not.

- She is playing pathologist
with our good chainsaw,

and you're worried
about some promise

that you made to her.

- I gave her my word,
Uncle Benny.

I intend to keep it,
regardless of what you think.

- Piss on it.

I'll do it myself.

Ed, could you come up
here for a second?

- Ed, I think we got a bigger
problem than we thought.

What are you looking for?

- Mr. Pattle's phone number.

I think we better call him.

- That's a great idea.

He's been a marvelous
help so far.

- Mr. Pattle, this is
that Ed Chilton.

Yeah, I need to talk to you.

Okay, I can be there
in 10 minutes.

Right.

- Ed, I don't want to add
to your misery or anything,

but you really oughta see this.

- Well, I've had my eye
on her from time to time,

and it would appear to me
she's leaving.

Why does all this stuff
have to happen to me?

- Watch Mother.

What are you doing?

- Leaving.

- I don't know.

- I don't know that either.

- Just going to leave
and then we'll never see

each other again, is that it?

I don't get it.

I thought we had
something special,

and now you're leaving
without a word,

without telling me a thing?

- Ed, you're in my way.

Mr. Pattle.

- Ed, you said you had
some sort of trouble?

- I've gotta put Mother
back in the grave.

- Well, jeez, Ed, that's kind
of a big change in attitude.

Are you sure?

- I don't have a choice.

It's not the same.

I thought it would be,
but she's different.

Well, can you help me?

- Well, sure I can, Ed,

but the putting her back
in the grave secret,

that's a big one.

Gonna cost a bundle.

- Well, I've gotta do it.

How much?

- $50,000.

Now, I realize that's
an awful lot of money,

but let's consider what
you're getting.

A solution to all your problems,

an end to this misery
your life has become,

and let's face it, Ed,

you don't want people
remembering her this way.

Let them remember the fine,
sweet, loving woman she was,

not the monster she's become.

Be a good son.

Honor your mother's memory.

Do the right thing.

- But you're taking the
last of the insurance money

I got from Mother.

- In a way, then, it's kinda
fitting, wouldn't you say?

- Oh, Benny.

- Sorry, Benny.

You'll be all right.

Good morning.

Morning, Lar!

How do I look?

- Good.

Real good for
someone who's dead.

- I picked this up at
Beyers this morning.

Punishing me for all the
terrible deeds

I've done in the past,
thereby reforming my future?

- Of course not!

Say, could you help me
with the lawnmowers?

- Oh, sure, Mrs. Chilton.

They're back there.
- Yeah, I know.

- Are you the ghost of
Independence Day past?

Are there gonna be three of you?

Is there a moral lesson

I'm supposed to be
drawing from this?

- You got anything
bigger than this?

- Mrs. Chilton, this is
plenty of mower

for the little lawn you got.

- How much would it take
to cut a dog in two?

- Big one.

Say, a shepherd.

- Five horsepower oughta
do her in one pass.

- Hmm.

Get me something
three times that.

- Jeez, you'd be
talking a rider then.

A rider it shall be.

- Okay, I think I got it.

- Well, there's one more part.

- If you don't bury her head

in the northeast corner
of the cemetery,

between the first and the
12th stroke of midnight,

she'll walk this earth
for a thousand years.

- That doesn't sound good.

- Particularly since she'll
randomly kill anything

that crosses her path, starting
with whoever buried her.

Is there anything else?

- Oh, yeah.

You gotta do it yourself,

because you're the one
who contracted it.

And once you bury the head,

bury her body in the
southwest corner

with her neck pointing
toward her head.

- Neck toward head.

Is that it?

Okay.

Thanks for the drink.

- Ed.

Good luck.

- Thanks.

- Come on.

You ready, huh?

I'll teach you a lesson about
stealing another woman's son!

Eat grass, bitch!

Die!

- Mother!

- Eddie, am I ever
glad to see you!

This thing got stuck in gear

and I didn't know
how to stop it!

Eddie dear.

No, Ed!

I'm your mother.

Let's forget all about this
nonsense and go right on home.

I'll fix your
favorite breakfast,

pancakes with syrup,
maple syrup,

eggs, sunny-side up,
bacon with grease,

everything you like,
just the way you like it.

This is her fault!

She's the one that gave
me the overdose.

She's the one that got
me addicted to life!

She's the villain!

Ouch.

Where am I?

We're in the cemetery,
Mother.

- You did.

I'm putting you back in
the grave where you belong.

- Oh, Eddie, don't you think
you're overreacting a little?

- Mother, just be quiet,
will you?

- Heck no, I've got all
eternity to be quiet.

I wanna talk!

I wanna sing!

♪ My Bonnie lies
over the ocean ♪

♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea

♪ My Bonnie lies
over the ocean ♪

♪ Oh, bring back
- Come on.

You wanna get rid of me?

- Look, this is harder
on me than it is on you.

Then why don't you give
me the shovel

and you get right in here and
spend the rest of eternity

with worms burrowing
through your skull?

- I love you.

- Ed, wait.

At least give me one last kiss.

Please.

It's the last thing I'll
ever ask of you.

Eddie, you promised
you'd never say goodbye.

- Mother, you don't understand.

I'm not saying goodbye,
not in my heart.

I'll think of you a
hundred times a day.

I'll be sad every night your
place is empty at the table.

I'll smile every time I
think of something

that would've amused you.

But we each have to move on.

We have to take the path
that's meant for us.

But you will still be my mother

and I will still be your son.

And I will still love you,
always.

- Eddie, I love you so.

- Mother.

- Too late, Eddie!

You screwed up again!

I'm gonna live!

- Goodbye, Mother.

What's going on?

- Well, it seems the
Reverend went crazy,

chased his wife into the church,

and tried to catch her
head in a bear trap.

- That harlot's turned
this holy place

into the devil's playground!

- I don't know what set him off!

He tried to kill me!

He thought that I was
cheating on him!

I wasn't, I wasn't!

- Yeah, I'm sure of that, ma'am.

- Oh, where would he
get such an idea?

Where?!

- I don't know, ma'am.

Sometimes, they just flip out.

Wasn't your fault.

Why don't you go inside
and calm yourself?

Just put this
incident behind you.

- Thank you, officer.

So what are
you doing here anyway?

I was just praying at my
mother's grave.

At midnight?

- I pray for her a lot.

- Well, I think you
best get on outta here.

This is nothing for a
God-fearing man to see.

- Thank you.

Son, you
are one sick individual.

Have you
reached a verdict?

- Yes, Your Honor, we have.

How find you?

- We find the
defendant not guilty.

!

What?!

- Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

I don't know.

- Guess your luck is
changing, Mr. Chilton.

- You know the part about
being a virgin,

you got me on that, yes, sir.

- Ed, I'm glad you got off.

Look, no matter what they
say, it wasn't just business.

I really did fall in
love with you.

You're the kindest, sweetest,
most...

Now, I told myself I
wouldn't cry.

You're the most wonderful thing

that's ever happened to me,
and I blew it.

I, um, I'll never forget you.

I just wanted you to know that.

Oh, by the way, I need a job.

What are you doing?

She was in on this.

People are watching.

She ruined your mother.

- Forget Mother.

She's dead.

Oh, sorry, we're...

- Ed, before you say anything,

I want you to know I am truly
sorry how things turned out.

- It's okay.

It's all in the past.

- You don't understand.

Happy customers is what
we're all about,

so I came up with a perfect
way to make things up to you.

Wait.

- Hello, Junior.

It's great to be back.

♪ Everything right is
wrong again ♪

♪ Just like in The Long,
Long Trailer ♪

♪ All the dishes got broken,
the car kept driving ♪

♪ And nobody would stop
to save her ♪

♪ Wake me when it's over,
touch my face ♪

♪ Tell me every word
has been erased ♪

♪ Don't you want to
know the reason ♪

♪ Why the cupboard's
not appealing ♪

♪ Don't you get the feeling

♪ That everything that's
right is wrong again ♪

♪ You're a weasel
overcome with dinge ♪

♪ Weasel overcome, but not
before the damage done ♪

♪ The healing doesn't
stop the feeling ♪

♪ Everything right is
wrong again ♪

♪ Just like in The Long,
Long Trailer ♪

♪ All the dishes got broken
and the car kept driving ♪

♪ And nobody would stop
to save her ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ The song is over now

♪ Everything right is
wrong again ♪

♪ Every movement false

♪ Every four is waltz again

♪ Every five and dime's
been gained and spent ♪

♪ Tell me that you like
my float upstream ♪

♪ Draw the line dividing
laugh and scream ♪

♪ You know everything
that I know ♪

♪ So I know you've
heard the voice ♪

♪ That makes the silent noise

♪ That says that everything
that's right is wrong again ♪

♪ You're a weasel
overcome with dinge ♪

♪ Weasel overcome, but not
before the damage done ♪

♪ The healing doesn't
stop the feeling ♪

♪ Everything right is
wrong again ♪

♪ Just like in The Long,
Long Trailer ♪

♪ All the dishes got broken
and the car kept driving ♪

♪ And nobody would stop
to save her ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ And now, the song
is over now ♪

♪ The song is over now

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ Happy people never die

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ People just like you and I

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ Happy people never die

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ People just like you and I

♪ Other people seem to suffer

♪ Other people seem to cry

♪ Other people find another

♪ Place to go and
then they die ♪

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ Happy people never die

♪ Happy people live forever

♪ People just like you and I