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- NORA: You know,
these online races
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00:00:08,103 --> 00:00:09,383
can sometimes be
a little tricky.
3
00:00:09,482 --> 00:00:14,689
But I love creaming these
international dudes one by one.
4
00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:16,172
Sweden? Beat 'em off.
5
00:00:16,275 --> 00:00:17,793
Morocco? Beat 'em off.
6
00:00:17,896 --> 00:00:19,241
I beat off all of 'em.
7
00:00:19,344 --> 00:00:20,758
- What did you
just say just now?
8
00:00:20,862 --> 00:00:23,310
- Well, some of these dudes,
their technique is basically
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00:00:23,413 --> 00:00:24,758
superior fingering.
10
00:00:24,862 --> 00:00:27,931
They finger pretty hard and
they've developed it over years.
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00:00:28,034 --> 00:00:29,827
But I finger hard as well.
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00:00:29,931 --> 00:00:32,931
I come first because my
fingering's the best.
13
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,217
- Keep talking about beating off
international dudes one by one.
14
00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:36,896
The chat is going
crazy right now.
15
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,280
- NORA: Well, it's
the fingering.
16
00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:39,631
The Japanese guys, they're
very good at fingering.
17
00:00:39,655 --> 00:00:41,241
- Let me adjust a
little bit here.
18
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,482
You're a little off center.
19
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:43,866
- You gotta do the thumb diddle.
20
00:00:43,965 --> 00:00:46,793
Not the thumb war diddle,
but rather the Tetris diddle,
21
00:00:46,896 --> 00:00:47,793
if you know what I mean.
22
00:00:47,896 --> 00:00:51,137
Oh! Oh! Wait, oh! Oh, no.
23
00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:52,665
Can everyone see that?
It's on my camel toe.
24
00:00:52,689 --> 00:00:53,976
- WALLY: What the fuck is
going on in this house?
25
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,034
The WiFi is so slow.
26
00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:56,389
I'm trying to get
some work done.
27
00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:59,068
Holy mother of
hell! What is that?
28
00:00:59,172 --> 00:01:00,586
- We're streaming
to the internet.
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00:01:00,689 --> 00:01:02,527
- You're streaming your
vagina to the whole internet?
30
00:01:02,551 --> 00:01:04,448
- Doug, can you turn
off the screen, please?
31
00:01:04,551 --> 00:01:05,551
- I think it's frozen.
32
00:01:05,655 --> 00:01:07,586
- Jesus. What is
with you kids?
33
00:01:07,689 --> 00:01:09,206
Whatever happened
to living your life?
34
00:01:09,310 --> 00:01:11,551
You're on the
computer all the time.
35
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,310
And now you're streaming your
llama foot to total strangers?
36
00:01:14,413 --> 00:01:16,079
- Strangers with tips.
- Strangers with tips?
37
00:01:16,103 --> 00:01:18,724
- I am in a cream fest with
all these international dudes
38
00:01:18,827 --> 00:01:19,965
and I was coming!
39
00:01:20,068 --> 00:01:21,355
- Doug, can you get
that off the TV?
40
00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:22,379
Please, turn the channel.
41
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:23,896
- [overlapping voices]
42
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,379
- This is your home!
43
00:01:25,482 --> 00:01:27,758
- Get the remotes, Doug!
- What brand is this?
44
00:01:27,862 --> 00:01:28,931
- NORA: [screams]
45
00:01:29,034 --> 00:01:30,655
- WALLY: Oh, thank
freakin' God.
46
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:35,241
- ?
47
00:01:37,068 --> 00:01:38,310
??
48
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,172
- NORA: I don't know, it's
kind of spooky, Grandma.
49
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:44,965
It's like colonial times.
50
00:01:45,068 --> 00:01:46,931
Do you think we'll have
to pee-pee in a basin?
51
00:01:47,034 --> 00:01:48,862
- Nora, the toilet still works.
52
00:01:48,965 --> 00:01:51,689
- What if we run out of food,
and resources, and water?
53
00:01:51,793 --> 00:01:54,620
And we have to resort to
incest? Like in "The Shining"?
54
00:01:54,724 --> 00:01:57,034
- You mean cannibalism.
- Cannibalism, sorry.
55
00:01:57,137 --> 00:01:59,413
- Nora, relax. I
love blackouts.
56
00:01:59,517 --> 00:02:02,103
It's like camping in your home.
57
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,724
Whoa. It makes me miss camping.
58
00:02:04,827 --> 00:02:07,620
- You used to go camping?
- Oh, yeah.
59
00:02:07,724 --> 00:02:10,620
We used to bring the whole
family up to Toronto to buy
60
00:02:10,724 --> 00:02:14,413
illegal Chinese goods, like,
uh, the salted pressed ducks.
61
00:02:14,517 --> 00:02:16,000
We put them behind
the kids' back
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00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:17,482
and they pretend
they're sleeping.
63
00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:18,896
- Grandma, that's not camping.
64
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,724
- [chuckles] I just need
to get a good signal.
65
00:02:21,827 --> 00:02:24,482
- You're not. That TV
is, like, from 1974.
66
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,724
- The subways are all down.
67
00:02:26,827 --> 00:02:28,448
I might have to
hang here for a bit.
68
00:02:28,551 --> 00:02:32,275
- No worries, man.
Make yourself at home.
69
00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:35,689
- Yeah, of course, Papa.
I mean, Wally. I mean, me.
70
00:02:35,793 --> 00:02:37,103
What?
- What?
71
00:02:37,206 --> 00:02:39,320
- I'm just... I'm not real
good at hanging with cool dads,
72
00:02:39,344 --> 00:02:42,448
you know?
- Mm.
73
00:02:42,551 --> 00:02:45,793
Hey, you want a drink?
Ever had port tawny?
74
00:02:45,896 --> 00:02:49,137
- Oh, she loves sports.
Toss the old pigskin around.
75
00:02:49,241 --> 00:02:50,441
- This one here is a nice one.
76
00:02:50,517 --> 00:02:51,793
- Oh, yeah, ports.
I love ports.
77
00:02:51,896 --> 00:02:54,551
- Yeah, but see? We
needed a good blackout.
78
00:02:54,655 --> 00:02:56,827
It's the perfect
chance to unplug,
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00:02:56,931 --> 00:03:00,517
spend some time together,
stay off the computer.
80
00:03:00,620 --> 00:03:02,793
We can tell some stories.
81
00:03:02,896 --> 00:03:06,862
Like, I bet you were wondering
about this picture, right?
82
00:03:06,965 --> 00:03:08,493
- I don't think he was
wondering about that.
83
00:03:08,517 --> 00:03:09,689
- Uh, sure. Is that you?
84
00:03:09,793 --> 00:03:11,586
- WALLY: Yeah, that's me.
[laughs]
85
00:03:11,689 --> 00:03:16,103
Growing up here in
Queens. Look at my face.
86
00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:18,448
Actually, you know, it was
super racist back in the day.
87
00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:20,655
- Oh, here we go.
88
00:03:20,758 --> 00:03:22,275
- I'm out.
89
00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:24,931
- What? Grandma.
90
00:03:25,034 --> 00:03:28,586
- What you guys don't know...
It was different back then.
91
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:30,862
We were the only Chinese
family on the block.
92
00:03:30,965 --> 00:03:32,241
- You'll never catch me!
93
00:03:32,344 --> 00:03:33,941
- ADULT WALLY: But I made
friends with the boy next door.
94
00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:36,620
- Stop! Put your
hands up! Pew, pew!
95
00:03:36,724 --> 00:03:38,164
- ADULT WALLY: He
was my best friend.
96
00:03:38,241 --> 00:03:39,413
- Ow, you got me!
97
00:03:39,517 --> 00:03:42,000
- ADULT WALLY: Until...
- Jimmy, get over here.
98
00:03:42,103 --> 00:03:43,586
- I was just playing with Wally.
99
00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:46,275
- You know better than to play
with these Japanese traitors.
100
00:03:46,379 --> 00:03:47,620
- I'm not Japanese.
101
00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:49,655
- Oh, get out of
here. Now, go on!
102
00:03:49,758 --> 00:03:51,344
- Wait, hey, what's going on?
103
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:54,655
- Wally, come back!
- I don't know.
104
00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:56,413
- JIMMY'S MOM: He's
just joshin' ya!
105
00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:58,413
You kids keep playing your game.
106
00:03:58,517 --> 00:04:00,079
- JIMMY'S DAD: Glenda,
I'm not kiddin' around.
107
00:04:00,103 --> 00:04:01,655
I'm not kiddin' around, Glenda!
108
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:03,310
- JIMMY'S MOM: Do
you hear yourself?
109
00:04:03,413 --> 00:04:07,206
Everybody hears you.
You're embarrassing.
110
00:04:07,310 --> 00:04:08,448
- Damn, Mr. Lin.
111
00:04:08,551 --> 00:04:10,551
That's like the first
half of "Gran Torino."
112
00:04:10,655 --> 00:04:12,620
- That kind of shit
happened all the time.
113
00:04:14,344 --> 00:04:15,458
The kids in the neighborhood
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00:04:15,482 --> 00:04:16,976
used to play pick-up
games in the park.
115
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,827
- KIDS: Me, me, me!
116
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:20,724
- ADULT WALLY: But
I never got picked.
117
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,034
- Robert.
118
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,448
- Michael S.
- Michael P.
119
00:04:23,551 --> 00:04:25,517
- Michael R.
- Mikey D.
120
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,586
- ADULT WALLY: It
was brutal, waiting.
121
00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,482
I felt like everybody
got picked except me.
122
00:04:29,586 --> 00:04:31,275
- Hey, I'm over here!
123
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:33,344
- ADULT WALLY: A kid
with a broken arm.
124
00:04:33,448 --> 00:04:34,655
This total nerd.
125
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:37,482
- Seriously? That
dorkus over me?
126
00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:39,275
- ADULT WALLY: One kid
just wearing a suit.
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00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:40,379
- You.
128
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,527
- ADULT WALLY:
And this old man
129
00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:42,941
that just happened
to be sitting there.
130
00:04:42,965 --> 00:04:45,482
- Is that guy even
allowed to be around kids?
131
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,620
- ADULT WALLY: Finally,
I was the last one.
132
00:04:48,724 --> 00:04:52,931
And it was one spot left.
They had to pick me, right?
133
00:04:53,034 --> 00:04:54,172
- Cactus!
134
00:04:56,793 --> 00:04:58,896
- What the hell? That's
a goddamn cactus!
135
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,620
- I was devastated.
136
00:05:00,724 --> 00:05:03,379
I had to just stand there behind
the fence and watch 'em play,
137
00:05:03,482 --> 00:05:05,034
having so much fun.
138
00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:07,586
Even worse, that fucking
cactus made a big catch.
139
00:05:07,689 --> 00:05:10,965
- KIDS: Cactus! Cactus! Cactus!
140
00:05:11,068 --> 00:05:12,586
- [cries]
141
00:05:12,689 --> 00:05:14,310
- Are you crying?
142
00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:19,034
- No. I'm just
allergic to the sun.
143
00:05:19,137 --> 00:05:20,344
[cries]
144
00:05:20,448 --> 00:05:22,008
- ADULT WALLY: Anyway,
the game went on.
145
00:05:22,068 --> 00:05:24,793
The kid in the suit, he had
to go to his uncle's funeral.
146
00:05:24,896 --> 00:05:26,355
So the captain turns
to me and he says...
147
00:05:26,379 --> 00:05:27,793
- Wally! You're up!
148
00:05:27,896 --> 00:05:29,517
- Me? Yes!
149
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:31,286
- ADULT WALLY: It was
my first at-bat ever.
150
00:05:31,310 --> 00:05:33,517
I was so excited.
151
00:05:33,620 --> 00:05:34,896
- I got this.
152
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,275
- ADULT WALLY: And do
you know what I did?
153
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:40,275
- It's a home run!
154
00:05:40,379 --> 00:05:44,137
- ALL: [cheering]
155
00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:47,724
Wally! Wally! Wally!
156
00:05:47,827 --> 00:05:51,310
- Uh, no. That's
not what happened.
157
00:05:51,413 --> 00:05:53,862
- Yeah, it is.
- Tell the truth, Wally!
158
00:05:53,965 --> 00:05:57,068
- Shut up, Wally.
- No, you shut up!
159
00:05:57,172 --> 00:05:57,965
- No, you shut up!
160
00:05:58,068 --> 00:05:59,251
- NORA: What the
hell's going on?
161
00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,517
- ADULT WALLY: All right.
162
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:03,068
The true story is I stepped
up to the plate and...
163
00:06:03,172 --> 00:06:05,448
- [drumroll]
164
00:06:05,551 --> 00:06:07,068
- [cymbals crash]
165
00:06:07,172 --> 00:06:08,665
- ADULT WALLY: I was,
like, out cold for, like,
166
00:06:08,689 --> 00:06:09,931
45 minutes.
167
00:06:10,034 --> 00:06:11,448
- You know what?
Fuck them kids.
168
00:06:11,551 --> 00:06:12,827
And fuck the cactus too.
169
00:06:12,931 --> 00:06:15,068
- Probably be pretty
painful to fuck the cactus.
170
00:06:15,172 --> 00:06:16,034
Appreciate the sentiment.
171
00:06:16,137 --> 00:06:17,551
- He didn't mean
it like that, Dad.
172
00:06:17,655 --> 00:06:18,907
He meant, you know,
like, screw them.
173
00:06:18,931 --> 00:06:20,113
- I've gone through
something similar.
174
00:06:20,137 --> 00:06:21,320
I guess not much
has changed since.
175
00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:22,413
- Mm.
176
00:06:22,517 --> 00:06:23,562
- I've been the
subject of bullying.
177
00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,034
There was this one instance...
178
00:06:25,137 --> 00:06:26,620
- Yeah?
- NORA: It was very bizarre.
179
00:06:26,724 --> 00:06:28,320
I haven't told anyone
this story, actually.
180
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:31,000
- ?
181
00:06:31,103 --> 00:06:32,620
? Hey
182
00:06:33,689 --> 00:06:35,758
- Hey. Are you Korean?
183
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,379
- Um, yeah, on my Mom's side.
184
00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:39,862
- Come with me.
- Okay.
185
00:06:39,965 --> 00:06:41,965
- DOUG: Wait, your voice
was that low back then?
186
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,769
- ADULT NORA: I was born
with a giant larynx.
187
00:06:43,793 --> 00:06:46,103
- Hey, guys. Nora, right?
188
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,551
- Uh-huh.
189
00:06:48,655 --> 00:06:52,517
- Well, this is what we
do to fellow Koreans.
190
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,862
- Wait, you're Korean too?
191
00:06:54,965 --> 00:06:56,758
- [laughter]
192
00:06:56,862 --> 00:06:59,206
- Why are you doing this?
193
00:06:59,310 --> 00:07:02,068
You're wasting food.
194
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,310
- Come on!
195
00:07:04,551 --> 00:07:05,448
- Dude, what?
196
00:07:05,551 --> 00:07:06,862
That's just Freshman Friday.
197
00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,206
- What?
198
00:07:08,310 --> 00:07:10,758
- Yeah, that's something
Korean kids do at city schools.
199
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,137
It's like hazing,
a rite of passage.
200
00:07:13,241 --> 00:07:15,275
- I just thought it was
Asian-on-Asian bullying.
201
00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:17,655
- No. I'll show you
Asian-on-Asian bullying.
202
00:07:17,758 --> 00:07:18,862
Where's your Lazy Susan?
203
00:07:18,965 --> 00:07:21,068
I know every Chinese
household has one.
204
00:07:21,172 --> 00:07:22,827
- All right.
- Oh, snot rockets.
205
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:25,379
You guys get trajectory on
those things, like SpaceX.
206
00:07:25,482 --> 00:07:26,482
It's out of here.
207
00:07:26,586 --> 00:07:27,907
I mean, I'm digging
the port tawny,
208
00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:30,586
but I know y'all
got the Remy Martin.
209
00:07:30,689 --> 00:07:33,758
Every Chinese function
has Remy Martin.
210
00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:34,862
- Not every function.
211
00:07:34,965 --> 00:07:37,551
- Oh, and Chinese
people love bootlegging.
212
00:07:37,655 --> 00:07:40,103
Is that a Sony or a Tony?
- Okay.
213
00:07:40,206 --> 00:07:42,551
- GRANDMA: Korean
people love alcohol
214
00:07:42,655 --> 00:07:44,655
and the United
Colors of Benetton!
215
00:07:44,758 --> 00:07:47,172
- WALLY: Ma!
- Grandma, I am half Korean.
216
00:07:47,275 --> 00:07:48,275
- We're reclaiming her.
217
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:50,103
- And double eyelid surgery!
218
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:56,241
- Almost. Come on.
219
00:07:57,931 --> 00:07:59,413
- Hey, Princess,
you want a drink?
220
00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:00,689
You're old enough.
221
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,034
- I can't drink. I get red.
222
00:08:02,137 --> 00:08:03,862
I get mean-spirited. I
throw up in my mouth.
223
00:08:03,965 --> 00:08:05,275
Got kicked out of Walgreens.
224
00:08:05,379 --> 00:08:06,758
- Oh, that's why.
225
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:10,965
- But I will light one up, if
you'll let me do it inside.
226
00:08:11,068 --> 00:08:12,862
- I'm not lookin',
I don't see nothin'.
227
00:08:16,379 --> 00:08:17,724
- Dad?
- Yeah?
228
00:08:17,827 --> 00:08:20,448
No, no, no. You know I
never touch that stuff.
229
00:08:20,551 --> 00:08:23,206
- But why?
- Why?
230
00:08:23,310 --> 00:08:25,000
Because something really
bad happened to me
231
00:08:25,103 --> 00:08:27,827
the last time I smoked
weed, that's why.
232
00:08:27,931 --> 00:08:31,000
- What happened?
- Just something really bad.
233
00:08:31,103 --> 00:08:33,275
- ?
234
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:34,931
- You killed somebody for real?
235
00:08:35,034 --> 00:08:37,620
- No, but I did die
a little that day.
236
00:08:37,724 --> 00:08:39,758
- Dad, what happened?
237
00:08:39,862 --> 00:08:43,620
- I never told anybody
about this before.
238
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,896
I was in college.
239
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,275
My roommate, Mark, he was, like,
the coolest dude I'd ever met.
240
00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:50,793
- DOUG: That dude? Seriously?
241
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:52,517
- WALLY: Yeah, obviously.
242
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:53,931
Anyway, we're
going to a concert,
243
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,482
and he offered me
some Mary Jane.
244
00:08:56,586 --> 00:08:58,896
- Hey, hey, hey, my man!
- What's up, Mark?
245
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,448
- You wanna smoke
a doobie before
246
00:09:00,551 --> 00:09:01,871
the Doobie Brothers
cover concert?
247
00:09:01,931 --> 00:09:04,000
- No, I don't think so.
248
00:09:04,103 --> 00:09:06,517
- MARK: It's straight
from Nicaragua!
249
00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:09,034
- What does that
mean? It's good?
250
00:09:09,137 --> 00:09:11,413
- It's how you get your
chill vibes, cool cat.
251
00:09:14,172 --> 00:09:15,344
- Yeah?
252
00:09:15,448 --> 00:09:20,793
- ?
253
00:09:20,896 --> 00:09:22,379
- ADULT WALLY: And I did it.
254
00:09:23,448 --> 00:09:24,655
- [coughs]
255
00:09:24,758 --> 00:09:25,793
- MARK: [laughs]
256
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:28,172
- ADULT WALLY: It
was a huge mistake.
257
00:09:28,275 --> 00:09:30,379
And I paid for it that
day at the concert, man.
258
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:32,448
- [applause]
259
00:09:32,551 --> 00:09:34,655
- ADULT WALLY:
I paid big time.
260
00:09:34,758 --> 00:09:38,758
- Ah, why are you standing up?
- I don't know.
261
00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,896
- I got so high, I couldn't help
262
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,551
but stand up for every
song that they played.
263
00:09:43,655 --> 00:09:46,241
- [applause]
264
00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:49,379
- Hey, sit down, man.
What are you doing?
265
00:09:49,482 --> 00:09:50,965
- I can't help it.
266
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:55,655
- ? Ah
267
00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:57,068
- [applause]
268
00:09:57,172 --> 00:09:58,413
- Yeah!
269
00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,724
- Wally!
270
00:09:59,827 --> 00:10:01,655
Oh, come on, dude, sit down!
271
00:10:01,758 --> 00:10:04,965
- Oh, Mark, I told
ya I can't help it!
272
00:10:05,068 --> 00:10:08,275
- It was one of the most
embarrassing moments of my life.
273
00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,275
- [applause]
274
00:10:10,379 --> 00:10:11,689
- Shit!
275
00:10:12,931 --> 00:10:14,413
Woo!
276
00:10:15,862 --> 00:10:18,172
You guys are the coolest cats!
277
00:10:18,275 --> 00:10:20,793
- ?
278
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,241
- Yeah!
279
00:10:28,344 --> 00:10:34,758
- ?
280
00:10:35,758 --> 00:10:36,827
- NORA: Uh, that's it?
281
00:10:36,931 --> 00:10:39,034
You just stood up a
bunch? At a concert?
282
00:10:39,137 --> 00:10:41,241
- And I haven't touched
that stuff since.
283
00:10:46,758 --> 00:10:48,310
- All right, I got a story.
284
00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:51,275
Have I ever told y'all
the one about my boy Thad?
285
00:10:51,379 --> 00:10:53,000
- No.
286
00:10:53,103 --> 00:10:54,793
- DOUG: So Thad was
out one night...
287
00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:56,286
- NORA: This is the same
dorm room as my dad's.
288
00:10:56,310 --> 00:10:58,182
- DOUG: No, this is a new spot.
- NORA: It's not.
289
00:10:58,206 --> 00:11:00,148
- DOUG: All dorm rooms kind
of look the same anyways.
290
00:11:00,172 --> 00:11:01,172
Is that better?
291
00:11:01,275 --> 00:11:03,172
- NORA: I know this
is my dad's dorm.
292
00:11:03,275 --> 00:11:05,482
- Cool. Can I be
in the story too?
293
00:11:05,586 --> 00:11:07,562
- DOUG: No, get out of here.
- NORA: No, come on, Dad.
294
00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:08,965
Let him do it.
295
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:10,872
- DOUG: Anyways, Thad brings
this girl home and man,
296
00:11:10,896 --> 00:11:12,482
is she a 10 out of 10.
297
00:11:12,586 --> 00:11:16,275
Dime piece, Michelin rated,
98% on Rotten Tomatoes.
298
00:11:16,379 --> 00:11:17,413
- Okay, we get it.
299
00:11:17,517 --> 00:11:18,413
- DOUG: So she's like...
300
00:11:18,517 --> 00:11:19,907
- Do you mind if I
eat this burrito?
301
00:11:19,931 --> 00:11:21,320
- And Thad was like...
- Smells great.
302
00:11:21,344 --> 00:11:22,586
Is that achiote chicken?
303
00:11:22,689 --> 00:11:26,413
- It's actually barbacoa with
extra jap-a-le�o peppers.
304
00:11:26,517 --> 00:11:27,517
Do you like anal?
305
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:29,379
- Uhhhh...
306
00:11:29,482 --> 00:11:31,355
- [stomach rumbles, farts]
- Where's your bathroom?
307
00:11:31,379 --> 00:11:32,803
- NORA: Doug, what
kind of story is this?
308
00:11:32,827 --> 00:11:34,286
It's not even about you.
- Well, long story short,
309
00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,241
he got a jalape�o seed
in his pee pee hole.
310
00:11:36,344 --> 00:11:37,344
- NORA AND WALLY: Ow!
311
00:11:37,379 --> 00:11:40,000
- I can't get a signal
on my black box.
312
00:11:40,103 --> 00:11:42,103
I'm gonna try upstairs.
313
00:11:42,206 --> 00:11:45,413
- Anyway, thank you, Doug, for
that fully disgusting story
314
00:11:45,517 --> 00:11:46,724
that no one asked for.
315
00:11:46,827 --> 00:11:48,458
- What? You got one
better than spicy dick?
316
00:11:48,482 --> 00:11:52,103
- A thumb could tell a
better story than spicy dick!
317
00:11:52,206 --> 00:11:54,551
- At least I was in my stories.
318
00:11:54,655 --> 00:11:56,275
- Got a couple of
R.L. Stine's here.
319
00:11:56,379 --> 00:11:57,379
- I got a weird one.
320
00:11:57,413 --> 00:12:00,137
- Oh yeah? Wait. How weird?
321
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:01,689
- Weird.
322
00:12:01,793 --> 00:12:03,073
In high school, I became friends
323
00:12:03,137 --> 00:12:05,275
with these two kind
of bitchy girls.
324
00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:06,172
- That was so good!
325
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,379
- That was so mean. He cried.
326
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,551
- Yeah, but that's so funny.
327
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:15,482
- ADULT NORA: We prank called
takeouts and 911, mortuaries.
328
00:12:15,586 --> 00:12:19,586
- I dare you to prank
329
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:22,482
a phone sex hotline.
330
00:12:22,586 --> 00:12:25,103
- A phone sex hotline?
- Yeah.
331
00:12:25,206 --> 00:12:28,310
- I thought that was
for people 18 or older.
332
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:29,551
Doesn't that cost money?
333
00:12:29,655 --> 00:12:31,206
- No, not at all.
334
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:33,000
- No?
- No.
335
00:12:33,103 --> 00:12:35,655
- Okay, yeah. Oh
yeah, I'll do it.
336
00:12:35,758 --> 00:12:38,034
- [dials]
- Yeah.
337
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:41,758
- [phone rings]
- WILMA: Well, hello.
338
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,862
Welcome to Warm
the Bed with Wilma.
339
00:12:43,965 --> 00:12:46,620
- Hi, is your
refrigerator running?
340
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,275
- WILMA: Oh, say
that again, stud.
341
00:12:48,379 --> 00:12:49,172
- [giggling]
342
00:12:49,275 --> 00:12:51,206
- Is your refrigerator running?
343
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,379
- WILMA: Are you
prank-calling me right now?
344
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,793
- No.
345
00:12:55,896 --> 00:12:58,517
- WILMA: Take me off
speaker for a sec.
346
00:12:58,620 --> 00:12:59,931
- [giggles]
347
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:03,413
- WILMA: Now, look, kid.
348
00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:04,827
You're not my
first prank caller.
349
00:13:04,931 --> 00:13:06,941
But, I don't know, I can hear
from your voice your friends
350
00:13:06,965 --> 00:13:09,551
kind of forced you to do
this, and that's okay.
351
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:12,103
I'll take care of it. Just
put me back on speaker.
352
00:13:14,931 --> 00:13:17,103
You asked if my
refrigerator is running?
353
00:13:17,206 --> 00:13:19,103
- Yeah.
- WILMA: It is.
354
00:13:19,206 --> 00:13:21,689
- ALL: Well, you
better go and catch it!
355
00:13:21,793 --> 00:13:23,068
- [laughs]
356
00:13:23,172 --> 00:13:24,572
- WILMA: Do you
think this is funny,
357
00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,379
you little pieces of shit?
358
00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:29,206
- She said shit!
- You're a piece of shit.
359
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,517
- [laughter]
360
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:31,724
- That's so good, Nora.
361
00:13:31,827 --> 00:13:33,700
- ADULT NORA: No one ever
had my back like that.
362
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:35,310
- Wait, how much
a minute was this?
363
00:13:35,413 --> 00:13:37,758
- Not a lot. Like,
$30 a minute.
364
00:13:37,862 --> 00:13:38,931
- What?
365
00:13:39,034 --> 00:13:40,620
- We'd only talk in
4-hour increments.
366
00:13:40,724 --> 00:13:42,034
- Jesus Christ!
367
00:13:42,137 --> 00:13:44,931
I mean... that explains the
phone bill that I have not yet
368
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:46,517
financially recovered from.
369
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:49,413
- Dad, is this story
night or guilt night?
370
00:13:49,517 --> 00:13:51,034
Anyway, I called her back.
371
00:13:51,137 --> 00:13:52,517
- You got her home
number, right?
372
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:54,275
- No, just still on hotline.
373
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:57,413
- Holy shit, do I look
like Con Edison to you?
374
00:13:57,517 --> 00:13:58,586
- NORA: I let you finish.
375
00:13:58,689 --> 00:14:00,586
I even let Doug kind
of finish the Thad one!
376
00:14:00,689 --> 00:14:01,862
- Sorry.
377
00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:04,344
- We ended up
getting pretty close.
378
00:14:04,448 --> 00:14:08,517
Is it normal for my period
to last 11 or more days?
379
00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:10,460
And, do you think you
could lose your virginity
380
00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:14,206
to a super plus tampon?
Because they're humongous.
381
00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:16,896
- WILMA: Nora, don't stress.
Just make sure you eat well
382
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,965
and keep hydrated
during your period.
383
00:14:19,068 --> 00:14:21,172
And no, a tampon shouldn't.
384
00:14:21,275 --> 00:14:24,068
But here's a fun
tip: when peeing,
385
00:14:24,172 --> 00:14:26,689
go ahead and pull that
string towards your butthole.
386
00:14:26,793 --> 00:14:28,689
Not too hard so it slips out.
387
00:14:28,793 --> 00:14:32,655
- Oh man, that's genius. I
hadn't even thought of that.
388
00:14:32,758 --> 00:14:35,172
Puberty sucks, Wilma.
389
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,595
Like, my friends make fun of
me 'cuz I don't shave my legs.
390
00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:41,206
My gym teacher had mentioned that
if... if... when you do start
391
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:44,448
shaving your legs super young,
they grow back real coarse like
392
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,241
Tom Selleck's butthole
hair, you know?
393
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:50,379
- WILMA: You don't need to
shave if you don't wanna shave!
394
00:14:50,482 --> 00:14:52,724
I know a lot of guys who
like natural beauties anyway.
395
00:14:52,827 --> 00:14:54,103
- Do you not shave?
396
00:14:54,206 --> 00:14:56,044
- WILMA: Oh, no, my vagina's
balder than an eagle.
397
00:14:56,068 --> 00:14:58,206
Looks like Stone Cold
Steve Austin's foreskin.
398
00:14:58,310 --> 00:15:00,413
- Oh, cool. I love him.
399
00:15:00,517 --> 00:15:02,000
Um, happy holidays.
400
00:15:02,103 --> 00:15:04,034
- WILMA: Happy
holidays to you, honey.
401
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,965
- I love you, Wilma.
- WILMA: I love you too, Nora.
402
00:15:07,068 --> 00:15:08,862
Don't forget to yank
that tampon out.
403
00:15:08,965 --> 00:15:10,206
It's been, like, six hours.
404
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:11,758
- Oh yeah. No, I won't.
405
00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:13,379
- WILMA: Bye, baby.
- Bye.
406
00:15:15,517 --> 00:15:17,689
- So you talked to a total
stranger about your period?
407
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:20,620
- Sounds like you were having an
affair with a phone sex operator
408
00:15:20,724 --> 00:15:22,068
while you were in high school.
409
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,596
You a G, Nora. That's
some good shit.
410
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:25,482
- No, it wasn't
sexual, like, at all.
411
00:15:25,586 --> 00:15:26,689
- Yeah, right.
412
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,000
It wasn't sexual talking
to a phone sex operator?
413
00:15:29,103 --> 00:15:31,068
Every day?
- Every day.
414
00:15:31,172 --> 00:15:32,655
- It wasn't sexual, Doug.
415
00:15:32,758 --> 00:15:34,000
- Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.
416
00:15:34,103 --> 00:15:37,275
- I just wanted a mom!
417
00:15:37,379 --> 00:15:39,724
- GRANDMA: Hey! I
finally got a signal!
418
00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:44,034
It's snowy, but I got the
Spice Channel! Ha, ha!
419
00:15:44,137 --> 00:15:45,620
- Okay, it's time for me to go.
420
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:48,689
- ?
421
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:56,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
422
00:15:57,103 --> 00:15:59,793
- You don't talk
about her a lot.
423
00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:03,379
But I know you miss her.
424
00:16:03,482 --> 00:16:05,241
- I've come to
terms with it, Dad.
425
00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:11,068
- Do you remember her?
- In fragments.
426
00:16:14,517 --> 00:16:16,827
Do you?
427
00:16:16,931 --> 00:16:19,827
- Do I remember her?
428
00:16:19,931 --> 00:16:21,448
Every day.
429
00:16:23,034 --> 00:16:26,275
I'll never forget the
first time I saw her.
430
00:16:26,379 --> 00:16:28,103
I was walking home one night.
431
00:16:28,206 --> 00:16:31,758
I don't even remember
exactly where I was.
432
00:16:31,862 --> 00:16:35,206
Just that... all of a sudden,
433
00:16:35,310 --> 00:16:37,482
it seemed like time stood still.
434
00:16:39,931 --> 00:16:43,620
Frozen.
435
00:16:43,724 --> 00:16:45,413
She stopped time.
436
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:54,482
You know, I have these
dreams where she comes back.
437
00:16:54,586 --> 00:16:58,379
And my first reaction is,
I'm kind of mad at her.
438
00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:04,137
I'm angry at her for leaving.
439
00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:05,734
In my dreams, I start
arguing with her.
440
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,758
I ask her, "Why did you
leave us like that?"
441
00:17:14,517 --> 00:17:16,724
I know we don't talk
about her a lot.
442
00:17:21,586 --> 00:17:23,965
And...
443
00:17:24,068 --> 00:17:25,793
- I miss her every day.
444
00:17:29,586 --> 00:17:31,275
- Me too, Princess.
445
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:43,379
- Do you think she'd be proud...
446
00:17:43,482 --> 00:17:45,344
of how I am now?
447
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:46,827
- Did I ever tell you the story
448
00:17:46,931 --> 00:17:50,448
about how your mom
went to a psychic?
449
00:17:50,551 --> 00:17:53,034
She just found out that
she was sick and...
450
00:17:53,137 --> 00:17:54,620
she was pregnant with you.
451
00:17:54,724 --> 00:17:58,517
We didn't know the sex of the
baby or anything like that yet.
452
00:17:59,827 --> 00:18:02,620
But your mom goes
to this psychic.
453
00:18:02,724 --> 00:18:06,586
And the psychic says, "You're
gonna have a daughter."
454
00:18:06,689 --> 00:18:11,206
Like, she knew you was
gonna be a daughter.
455
00:18:11,310 --> 00:18:13,068
Spooky stuff.
456
00:18:13,172 --> 00:18:15,551
- Could've been a couple things.
457
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:19,551
- And she says...
458
00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:22,413
"Your daughter's gonna be
somebody special someday."
459
00:18:26,275 --> 00:18:29,689
- You think this
psychic will be right?
460
00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:33,862
- Come on, she already is.
461
00:18:33,965 --> 00:18:35,724
- I'm really glad
you found Brenda.
462
00:18:42,517 --> 00:18:44,689
- Yeah?
463
00:18:44,793 --> 00:18:52,793
- ?
464
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:02,000
- WALLY: Okay, it's the
return of the llama foot.
465
00:19:02,103 --> 00:19:06,206
I'm just gonna sit here and
polish off this bottle, I guess.
466
00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:08,275
You should go up to bed, huh?
467
00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:15,068
- I'll hang out
for a little bit.
468
00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:16,827
Stay with you.
469
00:19:18,275 --> 00:19:19,655
- Okay.
470
00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:26,931
- It's not that bad.
- It's pretty bad.
471
00:19:27,034 --> 00:19:29,793
- I really like the
story on this one.
472
00:19:29,896 --> 00:19:33,655
How do you think he's gonna
make her pay for that pizza?
473
00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:36,724
- Well, I got an idea.
- He's really good at that.
474
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:39,379
- Yeah, they don't make
porn like this nowadays.
475
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:41,551
Everything's all so
scary and aggressive.
476
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:44,551
- Back then,
everyone was natural.
477
00:19:44,655 --> 00:19:49,517
You see a boob flopping around
or a big-ole Furby down there.
478
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:51,758
- Those titties are flying
around like nunchucks.
479
00:19:51,862 --> 00:19:54,931
She's really got a ZZ
Top situation down there.
480
00:19:55,034 --> 00:19:57,310
Oh, an ad for The
Erogenous Zone.
481
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:58,931
Adult shopping for grown-ups.
482
00:19:59,034 --> 00:20:00,634
- I got a pressure
cooker from them once.
483
00:20:00,724 --> 00:20:01,620
- What?
484
00:20:01,724 --> 00:20:03,862
- Yeah, they sold
normal stuff too.
485
00:20:03,965 --> 00:20:05,275
I have one in the kitchen.
486
00:20:05,379 --> 00:20:07,379
It makes moaning
sounds when it's done.
487
00:20:07,482 --> 00:20:09,355
- NORA: You guys know the
lights are back on, right?
488
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:12,172
- [woman moaning on TV]
489
00:20:12,275 --> 00:20:14,103
- Are you watching
a porno together!
490
00:20:14,206 --> 00:20:16,206
- Ah, yeah!
- No.
491
00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:17,965
- Y'all are gross.
492
00:20:18,068 --> 00:20:23,000
- [bad porn music, moaning]
493
00:20:23,103 --> 00:20:24,517
- ?
494
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:27,310
- But so am I!
495
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:30,482
Oh, I wish we had
some beef bourguignon!
496
00:20:30,586 --> 00:20:32,310
- You can eat while
watching porn.
497
00:20:32,413 --> 00:20:34,137
- Is there any other
way to watch porn?
498
00:20:34,241 --> 00:20:39,379
- [woman moaning]
499
00:20:39,482 --> 00:20:41,310
- Gwak! Ow!
500
00:20:41,413 --> 00:20:43,724
You know what a balloon
knot looks like?
501
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:45,034
- Yeah.
- Her butthole.
502
00:20:45,137 --> 00:20:45,931
- Oh, yeah.
503
00:20:46,034 --> 00:20:54,034
- ?
504
00:21:04,517 --> 00:21:10,137
??
505
00:21:10,241 --> 00:21:12,206
- MAN: Who the
[bleep] is Awkwafina?
506
00:21:12,310 --> 00:21:14,068
- ?
507
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:16,724
- MAN: ? MTV
508
00:21:17,305 --> 00:22:17,694
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00:22:17,744 --> 00:22:22,294
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