All language subtitles for Escape to the Chateau DIY S01E11.720p.CBC.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264-BTN.English

♪ ♪

This is me:

Dick Strawbridge, my wife Angel,
and our two children in our

glorious French chateau.

We haven't ever regretted what
we've done.

It is so worth it.

We moved here three years ago to
follow our dream of living life

in our very own castle.

[laughing] Oh my god.

Dick: But it's not been easy--

Baby, we--oh, you're so strong.

Dick:--as dozens of other Brits
know only too well--

Man: Oops, floor needs replacing
as well.

[laughs]

Dick:--because it turns out
we're not the only expats who

have bought a French chateau.

Wow, absolutely love it.

Jonathan: 25-year-old Bordeaux.

Motherlode!

Dick: In this series, we'll
reveal how we're running our

chateau as a business--

There's not a thing about making
sausages that I don't find

humorous.

I'm still finding things that I
haven't seen.

Dick:--and see how these daring
Brits are running theirs--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This place is done up.

♪ ♪

Dick:--as they face the ups--

Really beautiful.

This is a rare moment, but I am
genuinely at peace.

Dick:--and downs--

It's a lot worse than it looks.

Dick:--of their new lives in
these crumbling and magnificent

buildings.

Billy: It is a bit fancy, living
in a French chateau.

We might have a few problems on
the way, but that's part of

life, isn't it [chuckles]?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Today:

A trio of chateau rookies are
trying to fix one of their

chimneys--

Gwendoline: I'm not sure the
smoke is supposed to come out of

the sides of the chimney.

Dick:--without much success.

They've managed to get through
to the chimney breast, but it's

the wrong one.

♪ ♪

Dick: The owners of this luxury
chateau hotel need to win over

the locals.

Clive: Lots of anti-us in the
press.

We had protesters, all sorts.

Dick: But their efforts to drum
up much-needed new business

don't go to plan.

Only eight people here.

There's more suppliers and more
staff than there are customers.

Dick: And at our fairy tale
chateau, I get down and dirty

building an outdoor toilet.

I think I'm a bit too old for
this.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: In Northwest France, some
young 20-something chateau

owners are at the very start of
their journey.

♪ ♪

Dick: This is Chateau de la
Basmaignée.

Built in the 18th century, this
beauty has 6 floors and 40

rooms, 22 of them bedrooms, set
in more than 60 acres of park

and woodland.

♪ ♪

Dick: The lord and lady of this
manor?

25-year-old Gwendoline from
France and her 28-year-old

fiancé Billy originally from
London.

♪ ♪

Billy: I moved over here about
six years--my parents were

already living here, and I
thought, "Well, I'll give it a

try," you know?

And I did a bit of work, and
when we met, it all changed,

didn't it?

- Gwendoline: Yeah.
- Billy: It is a bit fancy.

Living in a French chateau has
always been a bit of a dream.

♪ ♪

Dick: That dream has brought
them here to the Pays de la

Loire region.

And Billy's older
brother--Michael--moved in too.

The three of them have big plans
for the castle.

We want to have bedrooms in the
chateau for B&B and have people

hosting weddings or seminars
here.

♪ ♪

Dick: But that dream is a long
way off because none of them

have done anything like this
before.

And they've got a hell of a lot
of work to do.

The place has no electrics, no
hot water, leaking walls and

ceilings, and 90 rotten windows
that need replacing.

We basically decided to--to do
most of the work ourselves.

You know, we've got our own
skills and stuff, so together,

I think we can make it work.

Dick: I've got to admire their
confidence.

Until they're up and running,
the young couple and Michael are

living in the only habitable
building on the estate--the

guesthouse that used to be the
servants' quarters.

Everyone keeps saying to us,
"Oh, you're living the chateau

life" and all, but not really at
the moment.

It's more like domestic of a
chateau life, or like the--how

do you call them in Downton
Abbey?

The servants or whatever.

That's what we are like.

♪ ♪

The reason why we're not living
in the chateau at the moment is

because basically it's
uninhabitable, because there's

no bedrooms ready, there's no
electrics in some of the rooms,

there's no heating, there's no
running water.

It's--well, the list is endless
really, so we can't really move

in just yet.

♪ ♪

Dick: Well, they did only just
get the keys to this place four

weeks ago.

Bought for a pretty hefty
1,000,050 euros, with money

inherited by Gwendoline.

♪ ♪

I lost my mom almost two years
ago now, and she left me a bit

of inheritance.

I thought it would be nice
for--make a good life for--for

us to prepare the future--

Billy: Mm hmm.

--because she left me something,
so I think we should use it to

leave something to our children
one day.

Mm hmm.

I know she would have liked this
place.

♪ ♪

Dick: They've barely settled in,
but they're not wasting time

when it comes to getting the
business started.

In just three weeks' time, their
first customers--a party of

14--are due to arrive for a
weekend break at the guesthouse.

It is important to get ready
because this is our first lot of

guests, and this is the first
really income that we're gonna

have since we moved here.

And we do need to get money in
order to live and keep restoring

the chateau.

I'm a bit stressed and anxious.

The boys have a lot to do.

They need to get on with it and
work from dawn to the end of the

day every day.

Dick: One of the most immediate
jobs for Billy and Michael is

getting the chateau a working
kitchen.

We're on a bit of a tight
schedule 'cause the kitchen

bloke is coming in a week.

Dick: Today, they're putting up
the covings.

This smells like...a dirty old
kipper.

[laughter]

There is a--there's a sort of
sense of satisfaction, isn't

there, Michael, when you do the
work yourself?

Yeah, after a while, you've got
all of these skills that you

didn't have before.

♪ ♪

Gwendoline: The windows--oh, one
window's done.

Michael: Yeah, one window's
done.

Gwendoline: Yeah.

We still gotta do second coats
on all of the work--woodwork.

Gwendoline: [How long is that
gonna take?

Give us a bit of time.

♪ ♪

Dick: But for Gwendoline,
there's something even more

important than sorting out the
kitchen before they can move in.

I'm freezing.

It is freezing in here.

♪ ♪

Dick: Like a lot of these old
chateaux, the main heating

system is run on heating oil.

For the past month, they've only
had it on for a couple of hours

each day to help dry out some of
the damp.

But that's cost £600 in oil.

What was the level when we had
it filled up?

It was right at the top here.
all right.

That was about 2,000 litres, and
it's gone down, well--

- Gwendoline: More than half.
- Billy: More than half--

- Gwendoline: In a month.
- Billy: In a month.

So, we really gotta get it--you
know, find another way of

heating the place 'cause--

How much is that in a month?

That's--that's quite a lot of
money.

700 euros?

Gwendoline: Yeah.

Well, we can't keep going like
that, Billy.

No.

Gwendoline: Yeah, he need to
find another way to heat the

house.

♪ ♪

Dick: If they were to have it on
full time, I reckon that the

monthly bill could easily double
to well over £1,000.

Billy: at the moment, money's a
bit tight because all the work

that's going on, so we need to
do something else.

Dick: But there's something in
the basement that could be the

answer to their problem.

So why can't we use that?

- It uses wood, right?
- Billy: Yeah.

Dick: The question is:

Is there life in the old wood
burner yet?

♪ ♪

We can't just spend 1,500
euros each month on the

heating.

It's like impossible.

We couldn't afford that.

We'd be out of here in three
months.

[chuckles]

So yeah, we need that to work.

We really do.

♪ ♪

Dick: One thing we've learnt
about running a chateau is it's

all about clever shortcuts and
cost-saving plans.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: at our place in the Pays
de la Loire, we host weddings in

our orangery.

But it's a 400-metre round trip
to the nearest loo in the

chateau.

The challenge:

To save our guests a long walk
for a wee.

I think I'm a bit too old for
this.

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Dick: a task that's made even
trickier when there's no mains

water nearby.

There's going to be a compost
loo and a urinal here.

I wanna go down probably...two
feet.

I knew all that trench digging
in my old army days would come

in handy.

But this isn't any old hole in
the ground.

Human beings are retromingent,
which means when we sit down,

we pee forward, so I have to get
a splash plate to capture the

urine and take it off to the
side because I do not want the

hole full of poo to be wet.

Yeah, and that's very important.

This stops the two things you
definitely don't want in an

outdoor loo:

Odour and attracting flies.

[breathing heavily]

When I was training to go to
Sandhurst, '78, I wanted to go

and join a gym and work out, do
all sorts of gymmie stuff,

become musclebound, and my old
man said to me, "No, Richard,

all you've gotta do is dig the
garden."

So I dug the garden for a summer
and got quite ripped, so never

mind fancy gyms.

Build a compost loo.

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Dick: Muscles tested and trench
dug.

Next, the hole needs to be lined
and shored up at the sides.

What I wanna do is just stop
anything getting into what is

going to be my compost pit, and
that includes the rats, so I'm

going to be putting chicken wire
in there to stop them from

getting through.

But I'm just shuttering the
edges, basically, and putting

wood against it, so nothing
falls in on it.

We may be talking peeing in the
woods, but we still need some

privacy.

♪ ♪

Dick: This is like a mobile
home.

Man: Yes.

Dick: I got the grunt; you got
the finesse.

[laughs]

We're in.

♪ ♪

Look at that.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

The more ridiculous the better.

♪ ♪

Dick: Fit for a king or queen,
or bride and groom.

and ready for its throne.

This loo seat is made for a
conventional toilet, and if you

look at it from the side, see,
there's gaps that we have to let

the air in.

We're gonna get rid of those.

We're gonna take these bits of
plastic down off, screw this all

the way down, we're gonna seal
around this with a little bit of

foam, and so when this shuts
down, there are no air gaps.

and the reason we have this, we
don't want flies coming in and

going in and out of this place.

This is to be a fly-free zone.

Right.

♪ ♪

Dick: So, that's the sit-down
element of the loo.

Over to Angel, her dad, and the
kids--

Man: Which one you like?

[Dorothy babbles]

Arthur: I like that one!

♪ ♪

Dick:--to buy a urinal at the
reclamation yard.

Angel: Aha!

Mommy's found what Daddy's sent
us to find.

Look, this is the one.

Dick sent me down today to--to
look for a urinal [chuckles].

Oh, the glamour, I know.

But we saw this a year and a
half ago.

I said we should have bought it
then, but, you know, we didn't

really quite have a place for
it, so I'm so glad it's here

today.

[speaking in French]

[both speaking in French]

Angel: I think that's 100 euros
isn't it, so--

[woman speaking in French]

Angel: What's 80 euros?

Um...da, da, da.

- I wish I spoke French
- I remember--[chuckles]--

- Woman: Hmm?
- --last year, it was 80 euros.

No?

- 80 euros?
- Oui?

Huh?

Woman: Correct, she wants 80
euros.

[both laugh]

Super.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: In the heart of the world-
famous wine region of Burgundy,

25 miles west of Dijon, lies the
900-year-old Abbaye de la

Bussière--a home and place of
worship for monks since the

Middle Ages.

But these days, it's a luxury
hotel run by English couple

Clive and Tanith Cummings.

♪ ♪

And once we saw it, we're like,
"Wow, what a place this could

make."

Dick: It's a thing of beauty.

20 luxury bedrooms, plus a
Michelin-starred restaurant in

the abbey's former cloister.

Tanith Cummings: We have real
ups and downs, but, you know,

we're still here.

♪ ♪

Dick: Even though a one-night
stay in this place will set you

back around £200, and a meal for
two, £170, Clive and Tanith

aren't pulling in enough
pennies.

♪ ♪

We've had a couple of years
we've made a little bit of

profit, but it's still very much
a work in progress.

♪ ♪

Dick: This year, they're
desperate to develop the

business and bring in more
income.

And there's one market they
haven't yet tapped into.

But there's a problem:

A lot of the local perception is
that this is a Michelin-star

posh property.

And when we first came, the
Abbey was open to the public,

and les Anglais arrived, and we
shut the place down and they got

upset.

They thought we were creating a
paradise for playboys.

And we said, "Look, we're just
making it a nice hotel."

And we had a massive boycott.

Lots of anti-us in the press.

We had protesters, all sorts.

♪ ♪

Dick: So today, Clive's
organized an open day designed

specifically to woo the locals.

♪ ♪

Dick: and make a bit of money
with a 5-euro entrance fee.

We're hoping for 300, 400.

You just don't know.

It could be a complete and utter
disaster and we only have 50 or

60 people.

If that's the case, we got a lot
of wine and cheese to eat

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive's invited dozens of
regional food and wine suppliers

who'll be setting up stalls on
his lawn to showcase their

wares.

♪ ♪

Clive: Precariously balanced.

Dick: Everything's set up.

Everyone is ready.

But the success of Clive's event
relies on two things he can't

really control:

A decent number of guests
turning up and decent weather.

Every time I put these out, it
rains.

So, we shall see what happens.

♪ ♪

[thunder rumbles]

♪ ♪

Dick: For us, running a chateau
business is all about making

your guests comfortable.

Even if that means building a
toilet from scratch using a

garden shed.

The ergonomics of pooping in the
woods.

With 20 years in the military,
you spend a lot of time finding

a comfy place to poop.

This is just so luxurious, it's
not even worth thinking about

it.

♪ ♪

Dick: OK, it's just a regular
shed, so the floor needs to be

adapted to fit over the poo pit.

And a frame built for the seat.

♪ ♪

- Dick: Gorgeous.
- [Angel chuckles]

Angel: Oh, it's proper like
enchanted forest pee, isn't it?

- Dick: It's a proper toilet.
- Angel: I love it.

Right, this is the loo, in case
you don't see.

Yeah, yeah.

Here, on this side, is going to
be a urinal capability, OK?

Right, is that gonna have any
sort of like privacy?

Yeah.

Picture your urinal there,
picture the wall--

Angel: Yeah.

--it's gonna be tall enough so
no man's head can be seen, yeah?

Angel: OK.

So here--so they come through
here, pee here--

- Angel: Mm hmm.
- Dick:--and the urine--

Angel: Mm hmm.

Dick:--wee, wee, comes around
here.

Stuff from the compost loo go in
there as well?

Dick: The pee from the compost
loo goes here as well.

Right.

- This is the sit-down loo.
- Angel: Yeah.

And kinda washing the hands;
we're just gonna have to have

a--

Dick: All that, you know,
sanitizer stuff you got.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, OK.

We'll just put a little shelf in
there with the sanitizer and

things, yeah.

Angel: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna continue making
my--

All right, baby.

She didn't ask for it to move.

That's a tick [laughs].

Actually not too bad.

♪ ♪

Dick: With forewoman Angel
happy, time to finish this bad

boy.

That's good.

Urinal installation and a seat
in the cubicle.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Yeah, it's nice.

Voilà, all ready for our wedding
guests.

And better than any camping loo,
if I do say so myself.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: Just 30 miles away from
our place...

Engaged couple Billy and
Gwendoline, and Billy's brother

Michael, are just four weeks
into the start of their chateau

journey, and are learning that
there's a ton of work ahead of

them.

[horse neighs, snorts]

Dick: They're desperate to get a
disused wood burner up and

running to save cash.

But they have no idea when it
was last fired up.

There's a receipt here from
1988, and it was just--[reading

French]--which is just a
service--a routine service.

A bit of very old kit if it
was--if I found a receipt from

1988.

That was the year I was born, so
very interesting.

[laughs]

Dick: It's still nearly 30 years
younger than me, and I'm going

strong.

We don't know if it's going to
run all right, or if it's even

gonna heat the house.

You sure it's not gonna make
everything explode [chuckles]?

Dick: It's connected to one of
the chateau's 11 chimneys.

Gwendoline: If we're gonna
switch on this wood burner, we

need to make sure the chimneys
are cleared.

If there's any blockage in
there, or anything, it could be

a fire hazard.

♪ ♪

Dick: So Gwendoline's called in
a couple of local chimney sweeps

who've agreed to do the job for
just 60 euros.

♪ ♪

Dick: Starting from the roof,
the men begin by checking for

blockages.

♪ ♪

Dick: and after an hour, they
find an obstruction about

halfway down the 25-metre tall
chimney.

♪ ♪

The chimney's so badly blocked
that they--obviously from the

top to the bottom, they can't
get the blockage out.

♪ ♪

Dick: There's no choice but to
try and get to the blockage

through the wall.

[hammering]

Billy: Well, they're been trying
to bash their way through this

chimney breast for about 15, 20
minutes, and they're--well, at

least you don't have a house
this strong [laughs].

Dick: That's one way to look at
it.

French chateaux tend to have
very thick, solid walls.

These are about a foot deep.

The thing is that the chimney
breasts is solid granite, so,

you know, it's not easy to knock
through.

♪ ♪

Dick: after almost an hour, the
men are finally through.

But there's no sign of a
blockage.

Dick: Please don't tell me
they've done what I think

they've done.

They've managed to get through
to the chimney breast, but it's

the wrong one.

Dick: That's what you get for
60 euros.

There's two chimney breasts side
by side, and the blockage is in

the other one.

So now what they gotta do is
they gotta knock through to

the other chimney breast.

Dick: a quick recalculation, and
it's time for take two.

♪ ♪

Dick: After another half-hour,
and a lot of mess, the men are

through again.

♪ ♪

Yeah, they've got the right hole
this time [laughs].

Dick: and the mystery of the
blockage is revealed:

A 30-year buildup of all old
pigeon nests.

With the chimney now cleared,
they can start up the old wood

burner, but will the ancient
piece of kit work, or will their

dreams of saving pennies go up
in smoke?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Clive: Back in the Burgundy
region of eastern France,

Clive and Tanith need to bring
in more money to their luxury

chateau hotel.

Their plan:

To get more locals through the
door.

So Clive's throwing an open day
to try and tempt them.

He was worried the weather could
make it a washout--

[thunder rumbles]

Dick:--but it's the turnout, or
lack of, that's the problem.

2:20, and only eight people
here.

So, let's see.

There's more suppliers and more
staff than there are customers.

But the afternoon is young.

They're all probably having
their lunch still.

This is France.

Lunch is very important.

Dick: Whilst Clive keeps his
fingers crossed for some more

guests and no rain, inside,
hotel life is carrying on as

normal.

Tonight, Tanith's got eight new
renovations at the hotel,

all expecting that luxury
experience.

Every little detail is quite
important really, so you just

need to be aware of everything.

So, the cushions, from the
window, from the way you've left

the remote control, to the pad
and pen by the tables.

We get all our laundry from
England.

We also use really good quality
towels.

They've gotta be fluffy, you
know?

They've gotta be big and fluffy
towels.

This one's good to go, I think.

Just needs some water.

But everything else is--is
ready.

♪ ♪

Dick: The flood of local
visitors armed with wads of cash

hasn't arrived.

Clive: Bonjour.

20 people so far.

So, just another:

[woman laughs]

Dick: The other 450 or so guests
must be just around the corner.

Clive: Empty road.

[chuckles]

I wanna see a whole line of cars
snaking up with lots of people

in it, then I'll be happy.

Here we go, hopefully.

Oui?

Non.

- Bonjour.
- Woman: Bonjour [laughs].

She didn't smile, did she?

Dick: But today's not just about
selling the hotel to the locals.

The world-renowned British
sculptor Paul Day lives just a

few miles away.

Look at this guy.

Dick: and Clive's invited him
over to set up a store selling

signed copies of his new book.

- Clive: Bonjour, monsieur.
- Morning, how are you?

- Bonjour.
- Clive: I'm very well.

How are you?

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive and Tanith have
several of Paul's sculptures in

the abbey grounds, including
these three life-sized bronze

bulls.

They've been on loan here for a
year, and tomorrow, Paul's

taking them back.

These are going to be moved to
an exhibition I'm having in

Beaune, our local town.

I think they look perfect here,
and I'm actually surprised that

Mr. Cummings hasn't made me an
offer on them.

But I know how tight he is, you
know?

[laughs]

Paul: So frankly, I've got--I
don't hold down much hope there.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's now an hour into the
event.

And to Clive's relief, there's
finally a steady stream of

guests making their way into the
grounds for the abbey's big day.

I'd say there's a couple of
hundred people here now,

so I'm very pleased with that.

Let's hope we have another 200
or 300 coming through the door.

We'll see.

Another two coming in.

Yeah.

Lots of local faces which is
really nice.

And they see the transformation
of the building; they see the

investment that we've put in.

And as I say to them, "It's the
paying customer, like them, are

the people that help me to
continue with the renovation

work," and so they're very
pleased that they see it being

spent on this and not on fast
cars.

- [man speaking in French]
- [thunder rumbles]

Dick: It looks like Clive's
weather prediction has come

true.

Clive: I said my red cushions
were an invitation for it to

rain, and it took three hours.

Fantastic.

[thunder rumbles]

Il pleut comme vache qui pisse.

In French, that means it's
raining like cow's wee.

Dick: But luckily, Mother Nature
has intervened at the perfect

moment.

[thunder rumbles]

Just as we want people to go
home--

- It hails, perfect.
- --it's hailing.

[Tanith laughs]

And so now we've had a perfect
day.

♪ ♪

Dick: The weather held out long
enough for everyone to enjoy the

chateau and make some money in
the process.

Clive: I think the receipt on
the gate is 450 people, and our

winemakers have sold their wine,
our cheese ladies soled her

cheese, the flower ladies sold
some flowers.

Everyone's happy, so very happy.

- Yeah, good day, good day.
- Very pleased.

Dick: Now they just have to wait
and see if their efforts will

bring in more locals and more
euros.

♪ ♪

Dick: Some 240 miles west in the
heart of the Loire Valley sits

Chateau de Bois Giraud.

Built in 1850 by an Englishman.

♪ ♪

Dick: Now it's a grand
self-catering rental, with 9

bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.

♪ ♪

Dick: 20 acres of parkland and a
pool.

And it's still got English
owners, three sisters:

Katherine, Marion, and Tanya.

The business is run from the
comfort of the U.K.--

♪ ♪

Dick:--by community worker Tanya
who lives near Oxford.

Tanya: Morning, I'll set the
kettle on.

Who do you fancy?

Mr. Happy today?

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Dick: and younger sister,
teaching assistant Marion,

who lives with her family near
Reading.

It's your turn for brushing your
teeth.

Man: I'll tell you what we do
with pancakes.

♪ ♪

Man: Yeah, I'm off.

All right, see ya later, have a
good day.

Dick: The sister's mom Cleone
lives a few miles up the road

from Tanya.

And I've lost the bucket
already.

Dick: The chateau used to belong
to her ex-husband--the girls'

dad.

He didn't want the
responsibility anymore,

so he gave it to his daughters.

So they were left with a
chateau, which is a bit of a

double-edged sword because there
are maintenance costs.

They don't live there all the
time, and they didn't speak

French.

And they've worked very hard to
get it off the ground,

and they're making
a success of it.

I'm actually very proud of them.

Although, I don't usually let
them know that.

♪ ♪

Tanya: I've got to meet up with
Marion at some point this week,

get through chateau stuff.

See where we are.

Dick: As the saying goes:

With a great chateau comes great
responsibility.

And the sisters find it hard
work maintaining and managing

this magnificent 19th century
castle.

♪ ♪

Tanya: This is very stressful,
trying to manage my job and the

chateau and just general family
life, parents--you know,

everything that that brings.

Trying to actually squeeze them
into--into life in general is

quite hard.

Marion: We probably get about
ten rentals a year.

Three from May, June, July,
August, maybe September.

Yeah, those are our main months,
yeah.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say it's profitable,
but it covers its costs,

which is what we need it to do.

Dick: But running a French
business from the U.K.

has its frustrations.

Everything in France is quite
different to the English way of

doing things.

What might be logical and feel
quite sensible in the U.K.

is very different in France.

I'm not used to dealing with
French authorities; I'm not used

to the way that French banks
operate.

We're through.

Oh, offices are now closed.

Monday to Friday, 9:00 to half
past 12:00.

No!

♪ ♪

Dick: Ahh, the joys of French
life.

We know it well.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: Once a year, the sisters,
their families, and

mom--Cleone--take a trip to open
up the chateau for the new

holiday season, after being shut
up for the long winter months.

Marion: Maybe a lot of people
think of having a chateau as a

dream, a place they can go on
holiday and relax and drink a

glass of wine, watch the sun go
down.

There's always issues, and
there's always a problem.

♪ ♪

Have you got the passports?

There's always something that
needs to be doing.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's a 12-hour trip to the
Loire Valley, and they have no

idea what will be lying in store
for them when they arrive.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: Back at Tanith and Clive's
chateau hotel in Burgundy,

it's the morning after
Clive's successful open day.

And even though it's only 7:30
a.m., he's already focused on

his next project.

Well, we got a delivery from
Greece with a statue from Paul

Day, and we've taken away the
three bull statues, and we've

got a truck arriving to pick
them up.

and we've managed to get it all
in the same time.

The two trucks, hopefully,
arriving 8:00 this morning, and

our local
farmer--Alexander--with his man

or two to lift them up because
they're heavy.

Very heavy.

Dick: He's not wrong.

They weigh in at nearly three
quarters of a tonne each.

But it's not the sculptures that
Clive's worried about.

These truck drivers don't
respect grass or lawns, and they

drive over anything, and I don't
want any damage today.

Dick: By ten past eight, there's
no sign of truck, fork lift, or

even his friend Paul.

Clive: So I'm the first one.

Waiting for two trucks and an
artist.

Oh, well.

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: 20 minutes later:

It's a truck arriving.

It's--it's a flatbed, low
loader, so this is for the

bulls.

Dick: The bulls are being taken
30 miles away to be exhibited in

the town of Beaune.

Dick: Clive's friend Paul--the
sculpture--is the next to

arrive.

Watch the grass.

[laughs] I'm only kidding.

How you doing?

You all right?

♪ ♪

Dick: With a combined value of
nearly a million pounds,

it's going to be a delicate
operation.

- Clive: Bonjour, Ça va?
- Man: Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Forklift driver Alexander
seems confident enough.

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive's not gonna be too
pleased with that.

Alexander: Thank you.

Dick: and artist Paul isn't
happy either, stepping in to

suggest a more delicate
approach.

We're just putting two straps
around the rear front and rear

end of the sculpture, so that we
can then run a strap through the

middle, probably, and hook it up
on to the forks, and then we'll

just pick it up and drop it on
to the back of the lorry.

Dick: The straps have worked a
treat, and after just 15

minutes, the biggest of the
three bulls is safely loaded

onto the truck.

But not everything has survived
intact.

Clive: This was expected.

We gotta do it another two
times, you see, so--for mommy

and baby--so once he's done it,
I'll come out.

But when we installed it, it
look about two weeks for the

tracks to go, so it's--it's what
happens.

Dick: Before herding the other
two beasts, it's time for a

coffee break.

Half American, anglais.

[laughs]

We have a mug, but over here,
they drink it espresso, don't

they?

So, they like a little coffee.

Dick: But there's still no sign
of Paul's new sculpture that's

arriving to replace the bulls.

I'll find the transporters.

Dick: It's being transported via
international haulage from

Greece, where it was last
exhibited.

It was due to arrive more than
an hour ago.

[Alexander speaking in French]

He doesn't speak French or
English, so that's why he's

struggling to find his way.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's no surprise Paul's
getting nervous.

That's nearly half a million
pounds' worth of sculpture

that's currently lost in Europe.

- Hello, Paul Day.
- Woman [on phone]: Hello.

We still have no lorry.

♪ ♪

Woman [on phone]: Hold on a
minute, please.

♪ ♪

Dick: Back in the Pays de la
Loire, it's crunch time for

Gwendoline and fiancé Billy.

With 30 years of birds nests
removed from the chimney,

they're about to see if their
old wood burner is in working

order.

So we gotta go and find some dry
wood in the forest that's

already been cut up.

♪ ♪

Dick: In charge of wood
collection is Billy's brother

Michael.

♪ ♪

Dick: and when your back
garden's about the same size as

50 football pitches, you don't
want to be travelling on foot if

you need to get anything done.

It's really good to have this
buggy actually because, you

know, if you need to go and get
something quickly, you can just

hop on it and go for a drive.

There's about 60 acres of land
here.

Half of that's forest which is
great because, you know, we need

logs to keep the log burner
going.

Once we've got enough logs to
keep the thing going,

we'll be able to heat the
chateau for free basically.

The old caretaker who used to
here for the previous owners,

he did a lot of work
clearing the forest.

I'm just gonna go and have a
look, see if there's any--any

dry ones.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

They're huge logs.

That one looks good.

[grunts]

Dick: When it comes to using
wood for fuel, you can't just

chop down a tree and burn it
straightaway.

Sawn timber like this needs to
sit for about two years to dry

out before it's seasoned and can
burn efficiently.

Luckily for them, this stuff
looks the business.

That one seems dry.

[birds chirping]

Michael: Oh.

[laughs]

I forgot to strap them on.

[grunts]

Oh, god.

I need to wake up, I think.

♪ ♪

Dick: While Michael struggles
with the logs, Billy's getting

himself a practical crash course
in the chateau's heating system.

Well the--the hot water comes
out of the top of it, because

obviously, the heat rises, so
the cold water is fed into the

bottom of it, and there's two
valves, and they're both turned

off.

Dick: Yeah, you've gotta turn
both those on, otherwise there's

nothing getting in or out.

♪ ♪

- Michael, are you there?
- [walkie-talkie beeps]

- Hi, you all right?
- [walkie-talkie beeps]

Yeah, we're ready to put some
wood in it.

I've just given it a bit of a
once-over, and it's quite clean

inside.

I've turned the valves on in the
back, so we're ready to go.

- [walkie-talkie beeps]
- Yeah, right.

I'll bring them all back now
then.

- [walkie-talkie beeps]
- All right then, cheers.

[walkie-talkie beeps]

♪ ♪

Gwendoline: I'm quite excited to
try the wood burner because if

it works, it really means that
we can make--we can save money

and that this is money that we
can put towards the renovation.

♪ ♪

Dick: It could be a massive
potential saving of up to £1,000

a month, compared to using an
oil-fired heater.

Key to a good fire is a nice bit
of dry wood.

♪ ♪

Billy: It's the most economical
way to--to keep the place

heated.

Dick: The moment of truth has
finally arrived.

Billy: Do you want to light it?

Yeah, let's have a go.

♪ ♪

Do you want me to turn this on?

Yeah, just turn it on to get a
draft through quickly.

That's it.

It's drawing.

It's not smoking at all, is it?

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Gwendoline: It's a good sign
'cause there is smoke, but I'm

not sure the smoke is supposed
to come out of the sides of the

chimney.

Isn't it supposed to come out of
the top?

I'm not sure about that.

- Look.
- Billy: Hmm.

Michael: It's not supposed to be
coming out the sides, is it?

Well, that's what I was
thinking.

[everyone laughs]

Billy: I wonder why it's doing
that.

Dick: So the old wood burner's
fine.

It's the even older chimney
that's not.

♪ ♪

Dick: If they're lucky, it'll
just be a few holes that need

plugging, with a few quid spent
on some cement.

If they're not, it could mean
lining the chimney, and that's

going to cost a whole lot more.

We have a loan to pay back
[laughs].

Yeah, yeah.

And we need to make money out of
this place.

Michael: It's really slow
progress.

Gwendoline: We just need to keep
pushing.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Back in Burgundy, at the
Cumming's former

abbey-come-luxury hotel, there's
also a worry for Clive and

artist Paul.

The half-million-pound sculpture
they've been waiting for--

- Woman [on phone]: Hello?
- Hello.

Dick:--is now more than two
hours late.

Are you sure?

Just arrived?

Woman [on phone]: Just arrived,
OK.

I don't know.

I'll go and have a look.

OK, thank you.

We'll go and have a look.

Woman [on phone]: OK thank you,
bye.

Bye.

Dick: The driver's driven 2,000
miles through eight countries

all the way from Athens.

[Paul speaking in French]

Hi, hi.

- OK?
- Man: OK.

OK.

Yeah [laughing].

Dick: So I think he can be
forgiven for being a little

late.

Clive: That's the plaster in
three pieces.

That's the plaster.

Yeah, and this one's--yeah--

Clive: and there's the bronze.

OK, that's useful.

Oh, that's a lot easier to--

- Yeah, just a forklift.
- Clive: Yeah.

So far so good.

One set of statues out, and a
new set of statues in.

So it's all a bit of fun.

Right.

Here we go.

Formula 1.

Formula golf buggy.

And we're taking over.

No we're not; we're gonna die.

- I've run out of juice.
- [Paul speaking in French]

- Look.
- [Paul speaking in French]

Clive: I think you're gonna have
to jump--jump off, Paul, yeah.

[laughs]

Push!

Come on, Paul, get behind it!

♪ ♪

[Clive laughs]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Paul's most well-known
sculpture is a bronze that

stands nine metres tall at the
Eurostar terminal in London,

titled "The Meeting Place."

The one he's putting on display
at the abbey today is a smaller

version of that piece.

♪ ♪

Paul: I have twice tried to stop
sculptures with my toe,

and broken the toe both times.

Clive: Oh.

♪ ♪

I can take me hat off
and--stunning.

absolutely stunning.

- Very happy.
- Clive: Good location for it.

Oh, clever man you are, eh?

- [both chuckle]
- Excellent.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: 240 miles west in the
Loire Valley, Marion and her

family are arriving at their
chateau after 12 hours

travelling by car and ferry.

Boy: There's a tree in the way,
Dad!

It's a big whopper.

Marion: Oh dear.

Dick: They're here to get the
place shipshape for the holiday

season, starting in three days'
time.

Marion: Oh god.

Dick: They were last here six
months ago when they closed the

chateau down at the end of last
season.

They're hoping that there won't
be too much winter damage to

deal with.

Boy: Here we are, hello.

Marion: all right.

Let's get Pepper out.

[boys shouting]

Marion: OK, do you want me to
just like open up then?

I'm hoping it's in quite a good
state.

John: It's not too bad actually.

Usually it's quite musty.

[boys chatting]

I quite fancy a drink.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's not time to crack
open that bottle just yet.

Let the inspection begin.

♪ ♪

If you start looking around,
you'll never stop.

There's heaps of work.

Yeah, you could be here the
whole time.

OK, let's have a look at this.

Dick: as husband John and the
boys clear the driveway of trees

and branches that have come down
over the winter,

Marion's dealing with some
very unwelcome guests:

an invasion of flies.

Marion: We've got a constant
problem with flies, so I need to

make sure that the fly treatment
people come out.

♪ ♪

Marion: So we get this treatment
done twice a year, and it kills

all the flies.

Dick: These flies are known as
cluster flies, and we know them

well.

All big rural buildings are
plagued with them.

One way to get rid of them:

a good dose of insecticidal
spray.

♪ ♪

[smoke alarm beeping]

- Marion: The smoke alarm?
- Man: [inaudible]

Dick: Yeah, insecticidal spray
can set off your smoke alarms.

Still, good to see they work.

Marion: So it was set off, which
is great.

That's the first time I've known
it work, so that was good.

and--[chuckles]--I know!

At least we know it works.

That's brilliant.

♪ ♪

[John grunting]

[bleep]

Dick: It's going to be nonstop
work over the next few days to

get the chateau ready for the
new season.

The filthy pool needs cleaning,
and there are yet more flies.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Next time:

Sister Tanya and the rest of the
family arrive to help set up,

but tensions are running high.

- John--
- You're not listening.

--you--no, I'm not listening.

John: The whole pool is leaking.

- The pool--
- Marion: It's not leaking.

John: It is leaking!

Marion: It's there so if
water--

♪ ♪

Dick: Billy reaches new heights
as he attempts to fix the holes

in his chimney.

I'm absolutely terrified.

Dick: and Tanith and Clive are
feeling low when it comes to a

blockage in their medieval
drain.

Clive: Come down and have a
look.

No thanks [laughing].

Woo!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪