All language subtitles for Kings Of Con s01e04 Bellevue, WA.eng

( door opening )

I'm really excited
to see the Space Needle.

I really wanna see it.

I'll probably just
pop over on break.

If anyone wants to come with.

We're in Bellevue, Sparky.
Not Seattle.

And in the nine minutes
you have between kissing babies

and shaking people's hands,

the only place you're gonna be
popping into is the can...

to drop a deuce.

Drop a deuce,
I don't see that on my itinerary.

What is that?

Morning, everyone.

Maury. Looking spiffy.
Wow.

What's the occasion?
Court appearance?

No.

Self-tape audition to play
a pedophile teacher?

That was last week.

Beating the rush and picking out
your burial suit.

No. No.

Gotta look classy
for our special guest.

Do any of you ever
check out the website?

Kent O'Grady is appearing
at this con.

Kent O'Grady,
Kent O'Grady?

- Yes.
- Oh!

Wait, who's Kent O'Grady?

Wait, he's the guy
from "Lord of the Tombs."

- Yes.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

On BBC, my aunt
loves that show.

Who does he play?

"The Lord of the Tombs."

Whoa, title character.

Been there, done that.

"The Careless Campers,"

1989 wilderness safety
instructional video.

Yours truly...
was a careless camper.

Guys, come on.
This is big news.

Kent O'Grady?
He's the real deal.

Rich: Oh, please.

He's just another British
jack hole who came to America

to take acting work from us.

You know, I'm so sick and tired
of these buttoned-up twerps

swooping in
and stealing away jobs

that rightfully belong
to US citizens.

Russell Crowe...

I'm pretty sure
he's Australian.

Javier Bardem.

Spanish.

Damian Lewis.

- Fucking Damien Louis.
- Right?

You know who should be playing
Americans on American TV?

Americans.

I ask you, who knows more about
being American than Americans?

Canadians.

Rich: Besides them.

Kent: Your point is a foolish
one.

Whoa. Wow.

- Are you?
- Yes.

Yes, I am.

And you are?

Name's Rich.

Well, Richard.

It seems as though you believe

Americans have
a proprietary right

to play themselves
on screen, correct?

- I...
- If we apply that logic

across the board then who pray
tell should play the dead

on "The Stumbling Dead"?

Will only drug addicts

portray those afflicted
by that horrible disease?

Must we find an actual murderer
to simulate the taking of a life?

( grunts )

And scene.

You see, a true performer
is able to embody a character

without actually
being that character.

It's called acting.

Us Brits are trained on stage
from a very young age

to do just that.

Whilst you Americans
fritter your days away

appearing in toothpaste
advertisements.

Praying for the day
you'll land some soulless role

on the latest incarnation
of "9-nil-2-1-nil."

"90210."

- Ah.
- Oh.

Yeah. Guilty.

That's why our shelves are lined
with your Emmys and your Oscars

and you haven't
the slightest idea

what a BAFTA even looks like,
let alone the chance to win one.

- Sue: Yeah!
- Bravo!

Bravo!

Oh, and may I say,
it is an honor

to have you here in our
humble green room, Mr. O'Grady.

Join me, won't you?

Thank you, no.

I'm contractually provided
with my own private green room.

Only it's called
the lavender suite.

I'm really wandered in here
in search of the loo.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to continue
my quest to evacuate my nethers.

His mustache was so majestic.

He smelled like a fox hunt.

Talked like a real-life butler.

He made "shit" sound fancy.

For an asshole,
he's not wrong about acting.

I'm not a careless camper
but I had to be one

and I mean embodied one
for the entire run of the shoot

or the context
of the film was lost.

It was a brutal six hours.

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table
set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly
half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me
when it's time for you ♪

Kent: Hello, everyone.

This is my first one
of these conventions.

So please, walk me through this
so-called, "meet and greet."

Should we meet first

or is it better to open
the proceedings with the greet?

Ah... yes.

What's it like being
better than us?

Aren't you also one of the paid
performers here at this event?

No. No.

Yes.

Very well.

I don't think myself better
than you or your countrymen.

However, your nation
was once under the crown

whereas we have never served
under your rule.

We consistently demonstrate
a superior use of grammar

we exercise a more global
perspective on politics.

But aside from that,
and many, many other factors

we are all equal.

Great. Then I'll count you in
for our group lunch.

Ooh, no, wait, hang--
A moment.

Bullocks!

Kent: He was absolutely crushed.

I've never seen
a man so despondent.

So I said to him,

"Ricky, 'The Boardroom'
just doesn't sound right.

Dumb it down. Make it reflect
the average person

and their typical
mundane existence.

Call it, 'The Office'."

All: Oh.

And the rest, my friends,
is TV history.

Wow.

Maury: That's... oof.

I have a question,
Mr. O'Grady.

- Excuse me, what are those?
- Potatoes.

Yes, I can see
they're bloody potatoes.

What kind of potatoes?

Um, I guess
they're au gratin.

- Oh, may I?
- Yeah. Sure.

When you're finished,
would you pass them over here, please.

Okay, I'm good, I guess.

Good, huh?

( moans )

( groaning )

You gotta stop now.

- Yeah, Washington, just feelin'
it. - ( applause )

I'm feeling it too.
It's gonna be a great afternoon.

- I'm really excited...
- How's it going, bud?

You ready?
Feeling good?

I don't want you
to sweat a thing.

You're gonna kill
out there.

Quick heads up, the Washington
crowd does smoke a lot of weed

so they're very, very high.

And that makes their reaction
time a little wonky.

But, they're out there.
Trust me.

I can assure you,
I'm not concerned.

Okay.

Good.

( squealing )

I hope everything's okay
back there?

Are you okay?

I'm doing my stage
vocal warm-ups.

You know you'll be using
a microphone up there?

- ( squeals )
- Oh, God. All right.

( grunts )

- Yeah.
- ( grunting )

- This next...
- ( squealing )

That--
That doesn't sound human.

Oh, I know what this is.

This is our next guest.

We just met him.
He's a dashing chap.

And let me
tell you something.

We just had lunch
and the man loves potatoes.

He went to town on those things.
He really did.

In fact, I've a new nickname
for him and it's Kent O'Gratin.

( audience laughs )

So give it, up.
Warm welcome, remember.

Kent O'Grady, everybody.

( applause )

Kent:
Good afternoon, everyone.

Good afternoon.
So great to see you all.

Oh my, look how many
of you there are.

Wow. This is delightful.

I thought he was gonna slap me
in the face with a leather glove

and challenge me to a dual.

No, seriously, I think
I really offended him.

Rich: Like I should
be thanking you.

You branded him.

Giving a man a nickname,
is an American rite of passage.

Oh, please,
your intro sucked.

That whole potato bit... ha!

Hi, Sue.

What are you doing?

I was doing my taxes,

what the fuck does it
look like I'm doing?

Seriously, if you'd
introduced me like,

I would've punched you
in the teeth.

Mr. O'Grady wants
to see you in his room.

- Okay, let's rock and roll.
- Just Rob.

( knocking )

Darling, enter.

Wow.

You brought a lot of scarves
for a one-day appearance.

These aren't scarves,
Robert.

They're ascots.

Guess so.

Naive.

So innocent.

So childlike.

Perhaps that's why I feel
so safe around you.

Oh, cool.

Um, listen, earlier when
I introduced you on stage

I-- I just want you to know,

I-- I was totally
just going for the joke.

Silence.

It is I, who needs
to speak.

When you publicly marked
my potato consumption

I was justifiably incensed.

- Yeah, I didn't...
- But then, it hit me.

You, simple, little you,

with those wide, piercing,
rabbit-like eyes

have seen through my facade.

I have?

When I was gorging myself
on that starchy, cheesy goodness

I wasn't doing it because
I was hungry for food.

I was doing it
because I was starving.

I mean, that's pretty
much the same thing.

Starving for truth.

For roots.

For home.

For my... my mother's
favorite potato recipe.

My mother...
who lives in...

who lives in...

A condo?

Missouri.

My mother lives
in Missouri, Rob.

My whole family does.

What a kawinkydink,
I'm from Missouri.

What part?

Rob, I'm American.

I'm as American as you are.

I've been living a lie.
A lie that can't continue.

You found me out.
Who's next?

Who in this house of cards
I've built around myself

is gonna come
crashing down on me?

I can't handle
the pressure anymore.

I'm gonna fling myself
from this tower Rob.

And end it all.

We're on the second floor.

Don't try and talk me down.

I only wanted you here
so you can bear witness.

So that you can get
every detail correct

when you write my biography.

Why would I write
your biography?

Farwell, Rob.
Remember me fondly.

What the hell is wrong
with this thing?

Rob: Those hotel windows
don't open.

Why?

I think to keep people from
trying to kill themselves?

That is asinine.

God. Oh, no.

- Okay. Um.
- ( grunting )

Look, man. No one's gonna
care that you lied

about where you're from.

Rob: Look, I mean,

even the fact that you even
fooled people into thinking

you're from
a completely different country,

that's--
that's pretty damn impressive.

( gasps )

Oh, God.
I couldn't breathe under there.

What were you saying
about my being impressive?

I-- I was just saying that,
you know,

rather than looking at this

as a desperate attempt
to hide who you really are,

Rob: you should think of it as
an incredibly long acting job.

One that you are
really, really good at.

By Jove you're right.

I knew you were the right man
to bring in to talk me down.

Happy I could help.

- Robert.
- Yeah?

In medieval times,
the actual time period,

not the pseudo-restaurant
with the equine performers.

Soldiers would carry with them
into battle a piece of cloth

soaked in their
woman's scent.

In its musk,
they found strength.

Hmm.

Fun, little,
historical tidbit.

Oh.

Oh, okay.
We're doing--

- Allow me.
- I don't know what this is.

That's--
( giggling )

No, it tickles.

Yes. You can go deeper
into the pits.

That tickles,
I'm very ticklish.

Oh. Okay.

Now you shall be
with me always.

Okay, fun.
Good stuff.

Well-- Oh, whoa,
whoa, golly.

Where did that
even come from?

Oh, okay.

Okay...
I don't quite know

what we're doing here.

Is this a...

And now I shall
also be with you.

This is good.
This is really fun.

Look at the time.
I better get back down there.

Okay.

Let my essence give
you strength.

It definitely
giving me something.

- Blame the musk.
- Will do.

Hell of a weekend, Robbie.

- As always, Richie.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, it's kinda sad

watching Maury get
Kent's autograph.

Yeah, even sadder that
Kent asked him to pay for it.

Yeah, sadder, sadder,
that Maury actually paid.

Whoa, Mr. Fancy Pants.

What's this?

Oh no.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, put that back.

Is this a fan gift?

Yeah, you have
no idea, Rich.

Wow.

- Oh, don't do that.
- What is that?

- No, don't do that.
- No, I know that smell.

Yeah, I bet you do.

No, seriously.
I recognize this.

Smells like a fox hunt.

( music playing )

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