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Once upon a time there was...
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or there never was...
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or maybe there will be, one day...
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a queen without a king, and her castle.
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We won't tell you the story of the king...
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but just the story of the
queen and her step-daughter.
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In fact, the king wasn't a real king...
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but just a notoriously unlucky,
but independently wealthy castle builder!
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When he died he left his young wife
the fruit of a previous marriage...
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a beautiful young girl named Baby Love...
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4427 angry creditors and...
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the Castillo de la Pelota Del Pomponero
[Castle of the Cannonball of Pomponero]
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y de la Pica [and The Pike], y de la Vaca Blanca
[and White Cow], y de la Vaca Negra [the Black Cow]...
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y de la Vaca Grassa [the Fat Cow],
y de la Vaca Magra [and the Skinny Cow].
15
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But what of these four mysterious
characters appearing in our story?
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- We should have had this meeting at Yalta!
- We do not agree!
17
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What are we doing?
18
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After two hours on that dusty road,
I've about busted my pepperonis!
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Pepperonis?
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Pepperonis?
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Ah! Pepperonis!
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First of all, by way of welcoming you...
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I want to praise your punctuality.
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So, gentlemen...
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I trust that our lengthy correspondence
has already made everything clear.
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Now please, let's review the situation...
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and proceed to concluding the contract.
28
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Of course, we must establish
the currency for the payment.
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00:04:05,568 --> 00:04:07,005
You can decide that yourselves.
30
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- Yen, of course!
- Nyet yen! Rubles!!!
31
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No, better make it U.S. currencydollars!
32
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- Why not Italian currency?
- Which is?
33
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- Promissory notes!
- Since there is no agreement, I choose the dollar!
34
00:04:19,172 --> 00:04:22,415
So, gentlemen, we can start the negotiations.
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Who's to be first?
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We decided to be represented
by Dr. Ci Fè Chen Pien.
37
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Oh, sorry!
My nose has a very strong sense of smell!
38
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Mine too. It smells an asshole!
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My very honorable and perfumed lady,
my talent is being able to recognize...
40
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the perfume of fruits, of flowers,
and the essence of females.
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Fu-ci-lin the Wise says:
"Happiness is certainty's daughter."
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So, in order to be happy, my gentle
and perfumed lady, we must be celtain.
43
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Not "celtain"certain!
44
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I don't know what you
might smell from such a distance!
45
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Perhaps my Lily of the Valley?
I'm impressed!
46
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You're probably wondering
what all that was leading up to.
47
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My dear lady, I am pleased to inform
you that we've come to an agreement...
48
00:05:29,828 --> 00:05:34,156
and that we accept your terms...
49
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if the guarantees provided in
the contract justify signing the contract!
50
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Thank you gentlemen, then we can start signing.
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You must understand, gentle and perfumed lady...
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that this endeavor has required a
considerable financial investment on our part.
53
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Therefore we need some assurance
that the graceful Baby Love...
54
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possesses all the requirements
to become our secret agent...
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and marry the son of the great emperor.
56
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Yes, the Emperor of Smell!
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Shut up! Don't be lude!
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Did you mean lewd?
59
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Excuse me, as usual, I need to intervene.
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Mr. Cannamozza, Dr. Ci Fe Ten Pie
meant RUDE, not LEWD!
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You think I'm stupid? I was just joking!
62
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We Sicilians are a high-spirited people!
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We even export our spirit abroad,
where they make it into whiskey!
64
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Stop it, gentlemen! That's enough!
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Behave yourselves!
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You're not in a brothel!
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- Mr. Zimmerman, you should be ashamed of yourself!
- I'm sorry!
68
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- His sister is sorry
- That's enough!
69
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,895
Stop with this nonsense!
70
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Dr. Cannamozza, we're here to discuss
very important business, not to joke!
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00:07:06,354 --> 00:07:14,520
Here we practice austerity, continence,
devotion, sobriety and even sexual abstinence!
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I know perfectly well that her intended
husband is the heir of a great and wealthy empire.
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But I also know that my Baby Love,
with the education I have given her...
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is worthy of the position!
75
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Baby Love is the right girl!
Because of her rank, status, culture, beauty...
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and spirit!
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Her father - may God hold him in his glory -
left her to me, together with this old castle...
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that he himself built on
land bought at a good price...
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along with the servants and
other assets that allowed me...
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to prepare the girl for a bright future!
81
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We're here to make sure the girl is a virgin,
God-fearing and willing to do anything.
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My colleagues and I agree that it is necessary
to seal the deal as soon as possible.
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We just want to be assured of
the integrity of the merchandise...
84
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to avoid any last-minute surprises!
85
00:08:15,151 --> 00:08:21,033
In Siberia we say,
"if you buy a pregnant cat, a dog will be born."
86
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You have the word of the Lady of Pelota Del Pomponero,
y de la Pica y de la Vaca Blanca y de la Vaca Negra...
87
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Before closing the deal, we require
a thorough inspection of the girl's assets!
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Inspect her ass?
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Never! Madmen!
90
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Limp little worms!
91
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I should let my intact pearl be inspected by you?
92
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And before closing the deal?
93
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Never! Never...
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ButI only said "asset," not "ass"...
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She's pretty pissed off!
96
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What can we do now?
97
00:09:03,942 --> 00:09:07,600
Something doesn't smell right!
98
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Yes...
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A Ukrainian proverb says,
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"What's art at dawn, is fart at dusk."
101
00:09:19,463 --> 00:09:23,229
And remember that my Baby Love is
as pure and clean as a diamond!
102
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You disappointed me, gentlemen!
I consider the deal to be canceled!
103
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How did you dare doubt my
word and ask for assurances!
104
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The Cossacks have a saying,
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"We want to see the token,
to ensure that it's not broken."
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"Broken"? I'll break something.
Your head, you frozen Siberian!
107
00:09:44,761 --> 00:09:46,742
I've had enough!
108
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You want to check? So be it!
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But mind youit will cost you a lot!
110
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And another thing
it will be performed my way! Okay?
111
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Give me the time needed.
112
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In the meantime, my maids will prepare
some good Turkish baklava for you...
113
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together with the best red wine,
from my vineyard, of course.
114
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What is it, mama?
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It's just this, my sweet baby.
This is a great day for you!
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You have such a beautiful body!
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You get more and more beautiful every day!
118
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We cannot waste that body! Let me handle this!
119
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It's for your own good!
You will be the most beautiful doll...
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in a beautiful game, my baby!
121
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The Sleeping Beauty who will be awakened
by the kiss of a Prince Charming!
122
00:14:35,123 --> 00:14:38,980
So nowthe ceremony is about to begin.
123
00:14:43,193 --> 00:14:46,978
Here is our corporate stock!
The quintessential good investment!
124
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:49,649
Gentlemen, check well and judge accordingly!
125
00:14:49,780 --> 00:14:52,337
Let me remind you that each of
you is entitled to just one share...
126
00:14:52,498 --> 00:14:55,161
corresponding to one
body part of our corporate stock.
127
00:14:55,426 --> 00:14:59,973
This is to avoid hoarding that
may cause international tensions.
128
00:15:00,252 --> 00:15:04,557
Gentlemen, look. Take a good look!
129
00:15:04,956 --> 00:15:07,720
Look, but don't touch!
130
00:15:08,687 --> 00:15:10,429
There are no other rules, gentlemen.
131
00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:12,075
Play your game!
132
00:15:12,258 --> 00:15:14,160
Let us proceed. The bidding may now begin!
133
00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:25,616
The girl's naked sexual organ
is an essential part of the body.
134
00:15:25,618 --> 00:15:29,086
A good idea from the Middle Ages,
that chastity belt!
135
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:33,025
It's a good guarantee for our deal.
136
00:15:33,831 --> 00:15:38,662
You have the key. We have a blacksmith.
137
00:15:39,343 --> 00:15:44,999
I've said what I think, my friend.
138
00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:50,573
Holy Mother, she's Heavenly!
139
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:56,544
My God! My God!
She's wonderful. My God!
140
00:15:56,976 --> 00:15:58,888
I'm climaxing too!
141
00:15:59,018 --> 00:16:01,850
We're all climaxing, here!
142
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,776
Take a good look at the corporate
stock so we can complete the formalities...
143
00:16:07,142 --> 00:16:10,263
assuming you've read
Articles 1, 2, 3 through 12...
144
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:14,192
omitting Articles 13, 14, 15 through 24...
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00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:18,137
in front of the full meeting,
including the two ex-officio witnesses.
146
00:16:18,427 --> 00:16:22,031
You may proceed with bids for the first share.
147
00:16:22,185 --> 00:16:24,771
I'll open at 100,000 dollars!
148
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,869
One million rubles!
149
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,583
I beg you pardon? I said dollars!
150
00:16:29,629 --> 00:16:30,717
Chinese dollars?
151
00:16:31,606 --> 00:16:33,082
I offer one million dollars!
152
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,712
Why offer so much for such little feet?
153
00:16:34,789 --> 00:16:36,663
What? It's not for the pussy?
154
00:16:36,932 --> 00:16:41,080
No! You don't understand!
It's not for the pussy! It's for the feet!
155
00:16:41,741 --> 00:16:44,526
Nyet! I withdraw my offer!
156
00:16:44,943 --> 00:16:46,140
I'll wait for...
157
00:16:46,209 --> 00:16:47,318
the pussy.
158
00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:48,542
You're getting soft?
159
00:16:48,865 --> 00:16:51,440
I'll take the feet for one million dollars!
160
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,260
At last we have a break through!
161
00:16:53,461 --> 00:17:00,878
So, the feet go for one million dollars
to the very honorable Dr. Ci Fe Tan Pie!
162
00:17:03,787 --> 00:17:07,224
Now, gentleman, let's open at $200,000.
163
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:11,531
And since the price will go up,
we'll also go up with the body parts!
164
00:17:11,729 --> 00:17:13,873
So, who'll offer more than $200,000?
165
00:17:14,203 --> 00:17:15,978
- $100,000
- $200,000
166
00:17:16,176 --> 00:17:17,866
- $300,000
- $400,000
167
00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:18,888
- $500,000
- $600,000
168
00:17:18,889 --> 00:17:21,949
Let the American have it.
169
00:17:22,521 --> 00:17:23,914
It's still not for the pussy?
170
00:17:23,914 --> 00:17:27,261
You really are stupid!
171
00:17:28,684 --> 00:17:33,519
Why offer so much for her ass?
You want the pussy! Now you also want her ass?
172
00:17:33,697 --> 00:17:35,101
Nyet! No ass!
173
00:17:36,070 --> 00:17:37,743
Will you make up your mind, boys?
174
00:17:38,171 --> 00:17:40,527
I confirm my withdraw.
175
00:17:40,805 --> 00:17:44,839
Because the girl hasn't followed
a Kazakhstani diet based on...
176
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,968
pickles, Black Sea algae and sour milk...
177
00:17:48,094 --> 00:17:52,742
she'll develop a big belly and a fat ass.
178
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,592
My target is the pussy!
179
00:17:54,952 --> 00:17:56,322
Now you're playing hard to please?
180
00:17:56,351 --> 00:17:57,864
Let's change the subject!
181
00:18:03,911 --> 00:18:05,833
Beautiful! Beautiful!!!
182
00:18:07,467 --> 00:18:08,928
Don't move! Hold still!
183
00:18:29,452 --> 00:18:31,723
My head is spinning!
184
00:18:38,761 --> 00:18:43,640
Damn! Now I have a belly ache!
185
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:47,159
I feel sick...
186
00:19:48,884 --> 00:19:50,504
Sorry. My hat fell off.
187
00:19:56,243 --> 00:19:57,427
What are you doing?
188
00:20:01,345 --> 00:20:02,449
Where are you going?
189
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:29,815
What are you doing?
190
00:20:31,429 --> 00:20:35,063
The pussywhy don't you let anyone?
191
00:20:41,696 --> 00:20:42,799
What are you doing?
192
00:20:42,918 --> 00:20:44,117
What are you saying?
193
00:21:31,586 --> 00:21:35,645
Well! Now that we've cleared the air,
we can resume the negotiations.
194
00:21:35,718 --> 00:21:37,956
So, who will offer more?
195
00:21:38,234 --> 00:21:39,866
I bid one million dollars!
196
00:21:39,867 --> 00:21:42,067
- Why not two?
- Okay! Two million!
197
00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:45,316
Wow! You took me for my word!
My compliments!
198
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:50,493
The wise man says,
"Hair is stronger than steel."
199
00:21:50,879 --> 00:22:01,772
And now gentlemen, we'll open
at $150,000 dollars for the best part.
200
00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:04,797
Everything!
I'll give you everything I have!
201
00:22:05,059 --> 00:22:19,496
My castle, servants, the island..
202
00:22:20,325 --> 00:22:24,433
I'll give you everything! Everything I own!
203
00:22:27,733 --> 00:22:29,425
My compliments, Mr. Cannamozza!
204
00:22:29,494 --> 00:22:33,682
If you didn't leave anything out,
sold to Turi Cannamozza from Lupara!
205
00:22:36,068 --> 00:22:39,528
I apologize for the language I'm about to use...
206
00:22:40,017 --> 00:22:42,824
Russian asshole! What a dumb-ass!
207
00:22:43,225 --> 00:22:44,731
That was the time to bid!
208
00:22:44,733 --> 00:22:47,007
You don't understand! I'm waiting for the pussy!
209
00:22:47,309 --> 00:22:48,104
No! You don't understand!
210
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:52,769
What you were waiting for
was just bought by the Sicilian!
211
00:22:52,951 --> 00:22:55,119
What did the Sicilian just buy?
212
00:22:55,498 --> 00:23:01,656
The thing you wanted!
Ci coglioni! Her pussy! Pussy!
213
00:23:01,868 --> 00:23:03,654
My pussy?
214
00:23:06,235 --> 00:23:07,335
I cast a veto!
215
00:23:07,509 --> 00:23:08,780
What's this?
216
00:23:09,074 --> 00:23:14,832
I demand the right to check the girl's pussy!
217
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:17,488
And if you don't grant me this,
I'll break your face!
218
00:23:18,169 --> 00:23:22,898
What the fuck are you saying?
I don't grant you anything!
219
00:23:23,423 --> 00:23:26,365
Are you crazy?
I put all my money into this!
220
00:23:26,398 --> 00:23:27,875
- I'm asking for half.
- You'll have to give me the money!
221
00:23:28,019 --> 00:23:29,628
- I'll give you my house!
- Money!
222
00:23:29,728 --> 00:23:30,968
- I'll give you my cottage!
- Money!
223
00:23:30,969 --> 00:23:33,029
- I'll give you the Steppes!
- Money!
224
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,429
- Money! Money!
- I'll give you the money!
225
00:23:36,876 --> 00:23:38,958
That's more like it.
226
00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:41,714
You can discuss this in your room!
227
00:23:42,239 --> 00:23:44,819
It's late now, and my baby has to get some rest!
228
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:51,514
This will give you a chance
to discuss all the details!
229
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,483
From this moment,
Baby Love belongs to you!
230
00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:58,516
After you've made the down payment, of course!
231
00:24:06,052 --> 00:24:07,339
Gentlemen, good night!
232
00:24:07,659 --> 00:24:09,244
Baby, send the gentlemen a kiss!
233
00:24:14,487 --> 00:24:16,258
Beautiful! Gorgeous!!!
234
00:24:17,218 --> 00:24:18,951
Good night, Baby Love!
235
00:24:22,641 --> 00:24:23,686
Dobre...
236
00:24:28,431 --> 00:24:29,495
Cin cin...
237
00:24:33,274 --> 00:24:34,424
Ciao Mao!
238
00:24:54,491 --> 00:24:58,785
As I already told you, applied
sexology is a very tricky subject.
239
00:24:59,407 --> 00:25:02,739
Everyone's eager for knowledge,
but doesn't know how to apply it.
240
00:25:03,608 --> 00:25:06,636
Sex is a gift from God!
Even the butterflies do it!
241
00:25:08,483 --> 00:25:12,734
We've thoroughly studied the positions that
are suitable to pleasure the legitimate male.
242
00:25:13,696 --> 00:25:19,061
The legitimate male is an imbecile who only
cares for good food and having his socks mended.
243
00:25:19,349 --> 00:25:23,663
Let's see what can pleasure a
woman in exchange for these services.
244
00:25:23,822 --> 00:25:26,208
There's solitary pleasureit's sad.
Best to avoid it.
245
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:29,149
There are some basic rules for beauty.
246
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,226
It's very important to remain beautiful!
247
00:25:31,422 --> 00:25:34,103
And it's not impossible!
You just have to remember...
248
00:25:34,217 --> 00:25:38,331
good food is bad for the figure, wine is bad
for your complexion, sun damages your skin...
249
00:25:38,512 --> 00:25:41,652
sleep makes you fat,
heavy caressing distorts your breasts...
250
00:25:41,654 --> 00:25:43,653
and pregnancy makes your body ugly!
251
00:25:44,630 --> 00:25:46,530
I often feel a strange tingling...
252
00:25:46,532 --> 00:25:49,511
It's completely natural, my dear,
even butterflies feel it!
253
00:25:49,513 --> 00:25:55,216
As well as hippos, horses, rhinos, crocodiles,
elephants, giraffes, zebras, bees...
254
00:25:55,217 --> 00:25:58,417
whales, flatfish, shellfish and clams!
255
00:26:42,569 --> 00:26:46,770
Now I'm going to ask you a question.
I want to see how smart you are!
256
00:26:47,611 --> 00:26:52,681
Do you know what's red and bad for your teeth?
257
00:26:54,403 --> 00:26:59,567
- What could it be? I really have no idea!
- Come on, it's easy.
258
00:27:00,252 --> 00:27:03,022
What's red and bad for your teeth?
259
00:27:03,704 --> 00:27:05,067
A brick!
260
00:27:25,881 --> 00:27:32,888
Now, to avoid missing the point
and mixing fantasy with reality...
261
00:27:33,513 --> 00:27:35,495
some explanation is necessary.
262
00:27:35,966 --> 00:27:39,493
You should know that in those times,
which were actually very similar to ours...
263
00:27:40,084 --> 00:27:43,546
teachers sought to establish a
bond of friendship with their students.
264
00:27:43,835 --> 00:27:45,109
Almost like a family.
265
00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:52,648
Ballroom dance was taught, martial arts,
Japanese fighting, kung-fu and kung-poo...
266
00:27:53,594 --> 00:27:57,623
as well as Latin,arithmetic,
analytics and culinary art.
267
00:27:58,549 --> 00:28:01,952
These lessons often saw the
participation of family and friends...
268
00:28:01,998 --> 00:28:05,861
witnessing with good cheer
the progress of the young girls.
269
00:28:06,788 --> 00:28:12,406
That's why our four gentlemen, once the Queen
allowed them to observe Baby Love's education...
270
00:28:12,813 --> 00:28:20,241
while waiting to return to their
superiors and report on the transaction...
271
00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:22,245
decided to linger a while...
272
00:28:22,427 --> 00:28:27,009
giving little thought to the most
fruitful moments of their own cultures.
273
00:35:14,152 --> 00:35:16,700
Shhhh! Go! Go! Run!
274
00:35:29,166 --> 00:35:32,134
Who woke me?
I was sleeping so nicely!
275
00:37:58,516 --> 00:38:06,280
END OF PART ONE
BABY LOVE
276
00:38:08,304 --> 00:38:17,612
PART TWO
BABY LOVE
277
00:39:44,912 --> 00:39:52,074
The Queen, as it also happens nowadays, to
celebrate the success of the negotiations...
278
00:39:52,632 --> 00:39:57,041
and also to quell the fury
of the 4427 mad creditors...
279
00:39:57,448 --> 00:39:59,774
announced a full-dress cocktail party!
280
00:40:00,909 --> 00:40:06,499
It was a very sophisticated affair.
281
00:40:07,553 --> 00:40:10,696
It started at her command.
282
00:40:10,697 --> 00:40:19,069
All the guests, with austere elegance,
began dancing to the tune of an ancient waltz.
283
00:40:20,229 --> 00:40:25,001
As you can see, in those times customs
weren't very different from our own...
284
00:40:25,531 --> 00:40:28,368
although the waltz was probably
performed in a more authentic manner.
285
00:40:28,623 --> 00:40:31,337
More effervescent, more pastoral, more bucolic.
286
00:40:31,610 --> 00:40:33,421
In other words, more rustic!
287
00:41:46,779 --> 00:41:51,978
In those times, like nowadays,
people were easily entertained.
288
00:41:52,686 --> 00:41:58,251
So, what with all the tea and biscuits,
parties went on 'til morning...
289
00:41:59,447 --> 00:42:09,758
queens got bored and preferred
to meditate alone in their chambers!
290
00:45:01,405 --> 00:45:04,165
Oh, he's so handsome!
He looks like Tarzan!
291
00:45:06,427 --> 00:45:08,203
And he has such good aim!
292
00:45:08,952 --> 00:45:10,996
Look at him!
Such a mysterious expression!
293
00:45:11,782 --> 00:45:13,790
Like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca!
294
00:45:14,787 --> 00:45:16,299
And he may even be intelligent!
295
00:45:17,816 --> 00:45:19,213
Oh, Mama Mia!
296
00:45:47,558 --> 00:45:51,162
Miss Baby Love! Miss Baby Love!
297
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:04,766
Baby Love!
298
00:46:05,479 --> 00:46:07,851
Miss Helga is waiting for youyour lesson.
299
00:46:08,154 --> 00:46:11,671
I don't give a fuck about the lesson,
and all that other bullshit!
300
00:46:17,048 --> 00:46:20,042
I hope you're going to explain yourself!
301
00:46:25,069 --> 00:46:26,134
Well?
302
00:46:26,136 --> 00:46:29,681
It's just I've had enough of
analytics, arithmetic and culinary art!
303
00:46:30,739 --> 00:46:34,915
I've been sold off in pieces!
My feet, my asseven my pussy.
304
00:46:35,131 --> 00:46:38,198
No! My pussy is mine, and only I will handle it!
So there!
305
00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,104
And I also have to wash it
while wearing this stupid lock!
306
00:46:41,105 --> 00:46:42,922
I mean itI'm fed up!
307
00:46:42,924 --> 00:46:46,327
You've really spanked my pussy!
308
00:46:46,707 --> 00:46:48,535
Listen to her!
309
00:46:49,123 --> 00:46:51,005
What's gotten into your head?
310
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:54,871
When that cuckold father of yours died...
311
00:46:55,223 --> 00:46:58,762
I explained to you what was
necessary to avoid winding up on the street!
312
00:46:59,012 --> 00:47:02,948
Your father left us in a world of shit!
You understand that, kid?
313
00:47:03,178 --> 00:47:07,383
And who was it who preserved
and maintained this paradise?
314
00:47:07,941 --> 00:47:11,620
It was me! All me! Got it?
315
00:47:11,933 --> 00:47:13,613
I saved this castle!
316
00:47:14,038 --> 00:47:19,321
I had the inspiration to contact those
four gentlemen who brought us money!
317
00:47:19,646 --> 00:47:22,940
And again, it was I who found
the idiot who wants a virgin bride!
318
00:47:23,113 --> 00:47:24,482
Got it, asshole?
319
00:47:24,802 --> 00:47:28,085
Yes, but I was the one who was
sold like a side of beef at an auction!
320
00:47:28,258 --> 00:47:30,939
And I'll be the one getting
molested by some dirty old man!
321
00:47:31,062 --> 00:47:33,341
So, if that's all, I won't
be taking lessons anymore!
322
00:47:33,525 --> 00:47:35,363
And there's something else that I deserve!
323
00:47:35,403 --> 00:47:37,383
I don't get any pleasure being
with that Miss Helga, you know?
324
00:47:37,599 --> 00:47:40,678
"Move here, turn there, face down, face up."
325
00:47:40,933 --> 00:47:41,953
I'm fed up!
326
00:47:42,265 --> 00:47:46,867
And all this just to enrich a filthy
provincial whore like you! So there!
327
00:49:22,679 --> 00:49:24,155
Quick! Come with me!
328
00:49:36,019 --> 00:49:37,568
Just calm down!
329
00:49:44,930 --> 00:49:48,273
Yes, let's stop all this violence!
330
00:50:12,798 --> 00:50:15,549
What do you want? What are
you looking for? Who are you?
331
00:50:16,210 --> 00:50:19,899
Relax, I'll explain everything!
I have a very delicate job for you.
332
00:50:20,666 --> 00:50:23,716
Why are you closing the door?
Have you gone mad?
333
00:50:25,047 --> 00:50:27,959
- Will you tell me what you're after?
- Give me a hand!
334
00:50:28,710 --> 00:50:30,005
Sit here!
335
00:50:30,115 --> 00:50:33,229
- I'm not an obstetrician!
- Have you ever seen anything like this?
336
00:50:33,517 --> 00:50:35,501
What is this? Today's fashion in panties?
337
00:50:39,037 --> 00:50:41,532
- What do you want me to do?
- We want you to open it!
338
00:50:41,568 --> 00:50:43,242
- How?
- With a wedge!
339
00:50:43,277 --> 00:50:47,325
- You want me to give her a wedgie?
- Wedge, dumb-ass! An iron wedge!
340
00:50:51,252 --> 00:50:52,601
Is this okay?
341
00:50:52,784 --> 00:50:53,965
Hammer!
342
00:50:55,681 --> 00:50:56,882
Go ahead!
343
00:51:04,607 --> 00:51:07,204
Ouch! Fuck it!
344
00:51:08,311 --> 00:51:09,864
I broke a tooth!
345
00:51:12,210 --> 00:51:17,060
- Miss Helgatold me
- Never mind Miss Helga.
346
00:51:17,868 --> 00:51:19,804
You can tell her about this later!
347
00:52:05,791 --> 00:52:07,543
Sssshhhh! Silently!
348
00:52:22,218 --> 00:52:25,521
Silence!
Just say good night and leave!
349
00:52:25,656 --> 00:52:26,682
What is she doing?
350
00:52:27,527 --> 00:52:29,541
She's sleeping!
351
00:52:35,498 --> 00:52:39,313
It's a trick! This isn't Baby Love!
352
00:52:59,367 --> 00:53:02,413
- Where is Baby Love?
- We want an explanation!
353
00:53:03,089 --> 00:53:06,557
In Russia we have a saying, "Bitch!"
354
00:53:06,995 --> 00:53:08,873
Wretch!
355
00:53:09,810 --> 00:53:12,196
Unfortunately, those are the facts, gentlemen.
356
00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,871
And no one is more mortified than I am!
357
00:53:14,990 --> 00:53:23,383
I came up with this trick, hoping that our
corporate stock returned before you noticed.
358
00:53:24,162 --> 00:53:30,466
This is a deceit! We should have been
informed as soon as you discovered her absence...
359
00:53:30,673 --> 00:53:32,289
in accordance with the contract!
360
00:53:32,291 --> 00:53:36,027
Do you realize what could
happen if she's really disappeared?
361
00:53:36,054 --> 00:53:39,007
What should we tell our administrative board?
362
00:53:39,191 --> 00:53:40,449
That we've been screwed???
363
00:53:40,451 --> 00:53:45,572
The contract said to perform alternate checks.
I took my precautions. Did you?
364
00:53:45,950 --> 00:53:50,237
Our precautions were beyond reproach,
like my sense of smell, my perfumed lady!
365
00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:53,504
What perfumed lady? She's a scumbag!
366
00:53:53,924 --> 00:54:00,910
First she sucked the builder's money,
then she sucked our money...
367
00:54:01,151 --> 00:54:03,241
and now she's sucking all four of our cocks!!!
368
00:54:03,501 --> 00:54:06,205
- Remember that I'm still a lady!
- Yes! The Lady of Whores!
369
00:54:06,206 --> 00:54:07,921
I won't allow you to speak to me like that!
370
00:54:07,922 --> 00:54:11,950
If you'll permit me to say so,
we're wasting time arguing.
371
00:54:12,218 --> 00:54:16,520
Right! And I think I must punish
the one who betrayed our trust...
372
00:54:16,948 --> 00:54:19,536
like Ivan the Terrible.
373
00:54:19,915 --> 00:54:21,912
In Russia we have a saying...
374
00:54:22,074 --> 00:54:24,609
"Punishment should apply
to women who are too sly."
375
00:54:25,167 --> 00:54:27,336
That's all I have to say.
376
00:54:27,444 --> 00:54:30,877
If I may be allowed to say so,
I have Chinese torture for the perfumed lady.
377
00:54:30,878 --> 00:54:34,668
Terrible, economical torture,
like a garden of torture!
378
00:54:34,865 --> 00:54:36,342
Have you all gone insane?
379
00:54:36,901 --> 00:54:38,409
You want to put me against the wall?
380
00:54:38,524 --> 00:54:40,003
I explain.
381
00:54:40,388 --> 00:54:43,483
You certainly have a flower vase in the garden.
382
00:54:43,826 --> 00:54:49,973
You certainly have a big hungry rat in the cellar.
383
00:54:50,186 --> 00:54:54,271
So, we put rat in vase,
we put lady's perfumed ass on vase...
384
00:54:54,516 --> 00:54:56,856
and then we put a flame in bottom of vase.
385
00:54:57,068 --> 00:55:00,815
Rat gets crazy and goes up
into lady's ass to avoid flame!
386
00:55:01,046 --> 00:55:03,036
Simple! Economical! Guaranteed to work!
387
00:55:03,038 --> 00:55:07,824
My God! Why don't you take
an enema with muriatic acid!!!!
388
00:55:09,268 --> 00:55:12,643
Listen boys, let's try to
meet in the middle here.
389
00:55:13,042 --> 00:55:16,165
We share equal responsibility
for her disappearance.
390
00:55:17,671 --> 00:55:20,525
What the hell were your
secret services doing?
391
00:55:20,793 --> 00:55:23,804
Well, I can follow the trail with my nose!
392
00:55:25,862 --> 00:55:29,329
Can I have Baby Love's panties?
393
00:55:40,636 --> 00:55:41,849
Now then...
394
00:55:44,681 --> 00:55:46,235
What's he doing?
395
00:55:46,810 --> 00:55:48,019
That way!
396
00:55:48,021 --> 00:55:51,215
Come! Come!
Over here! Come! Come!
397
00:56:04,882 --> 00:56:09,009
Victorian relics, French
comedies, Pirandellian horns...
398
00:56:09,009 --> 00:56:12,559
Scandinavian graveyard
runes, transcriptions, reductions...
399
00:56:12,560 --> 00:56:17,930
interpolations, storytelling. Myth doesn't
have any form of objectification with mere words.
400
00:56:18,109 --> 00:56:20,888
Scenic action is the authentic poetic truth!
401
00:56:21,056 --> 00:56:25,685
Theater reveals the truth through improvisation!
Not merely criticism of the truth!
402
00:56:25,947 --> 00:56:27,985
It's a stage as big as the world!
403
00:56:28,144 --> 00:56:33,211
Lustful as a dream of De Sade, colorful as the
newborn mushrooms after the first autumn rain.
404
00:56:33,284 --> 00:56:35,818
Truth! Like a sow breastfeeding its piglets!
405
00:56:47,349 --> 00:56:51,716
An artist needs conflicts, doubts,
or he would sin against himself.
406
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:20,994
Baby Love is going to meet her lover...
407
00:57:20,995 --> 00:57:34,063
who, hoping to stop her pursuers, went to the
castle with false evidence of the girl's death.
408
00:57:53,422 --> 00:58:00,803
But the four hounds, led by Ci Fe Ten Pie's
infallible smell, are on the trail of Baby Love.
409
00:58:02,053 --> 00:58:11,579
That's it! I've had enough of your
infallible sense of smell! Just shut up!
410
00:58:11,878 --> 00:58:13,791
You shut up! You all shut up!
411
00:58:14,063 --> 00:58:16,220
Shut up? Damn my soul! How dare you?
412
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:20,699
You should put a hole in your skull
to drain out your incompetent fear!
413
00:58:20,866 --> 00:58:27,027
How dare you, miserable plebeian,
interrupting the sublime acuity of a genius...
414
00:58:27,209 --> 00:58:31,940
the mystical inspiration of an artist,
the enchanted ictus of a poet.
415
00:58:32,226 --> 00:58:34,409
You're fired!
Don't ever show your face here again!
416
00:58:34,548 --> 00:58:37,837
You'll never be able to understand
the revolutionary spirit of my theater!
417
00:58:37,963 --> 00:58:44,434
No Mirandolina, no Brecht, no Iris,
no Shakespeare, no Chekov, no Pirandello!
418
00:58:44,636 --> 00:58:49,518
New theater! Participatory!
Collective! Dynamic! Cyanotic!
419
00:59:04,852 --> 00:59:06,939
I smell Baby Love! She's near!
420
00:59:15,131 --> 00:59:17,665
I swear! She's near!
421
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:19,821
Baby Love?
What is Baby Love doing?
422
00:59:20,015 --> 00:59:23,558
You don't believe me?
I smell her! She's near! I swear!
423
00:59:23,684 --> 00:59:27,340
It's the truth!
My smell is never wrong!
424
00:59:52,529 --> 00:59:55,822
I am clever!
Why is everyone angry at poor Chinaman?
425
00:59:58,483 --> 00:59:59,649
Silence!
426
00:59:59,651 --> 01:00:00,905
To everyone his own role!
427
01:00:00,977 --> 01:00:05,851
I am the protagonist, the stage technician,
the electrician, the director, the handyman...
428
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:08,766
the administrator, the author,
the censor and the audience!
429
01:00:09,025 --> 01:00:10,646
Why didn't Hamlet kill his mother?
430
01:00:10,810 --> 01:00:14,206
Why did a mother poison her husband
to fornicate with his brother?
431
01:00:14,577 --> 01:00:16,930
Liberating action! That is the synthesis!
432
01:00:17,167 --> 01:00:23,589
Eros to the end! Explosion of sexual instincts!
Joie de vivre! Escape, crime, liberation!
433
01:00:23,979 --> 01:00:29,093
What's the use of fornicating?
It fucks up your brain, your ideas, your voice!
434
01:00:29,447 --> 01:00:31,415
Fornicating is the antithesis of art!
435
01:00:31,652 --> 01:00:34,390
I will leave this ungrateful world
in which no one understands me!
436
01:00:34,738 --> 01:00:39,022
Suicide for art's sake! You have to
actually die in order to make death real!
437
01:00:39,285 --> 01:00:42,984
And I shall punish my lust,
because an actor has to be like a priest!
438
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:46,416
I have sinned! I have fornicated!
439
01:00:46,417 --> 01:00:49,179
How many times, my son?
Countless times!
440
01:00:49,375 --> 01:00:53,446
Shame on you! Shame!
That's why you couldn't achieve fame!
441
01:00:53,634 --> 01:00:59,469
Fornicating! Fornicating is the failure of art!
Repent! I'll say it again...
442
01:00:59,469 --> 01:01:04,268
Fornicating is the failure of art!
443
01:01:28,317 --> 01:01:32,510
Where the hell have you been?
Who gave you permission to leave my castle?
444
01:01:33,013 --> 01:01:37,246
I beg your forgiveness, my Queen,
but something was going on in the woods.
445
01:01:37,295 --> 01:01:39,634
That doesn't give you the
right to disobey my orders.
446
01:01:40,033 --> 01:01:42,700
I didn't mean to leave the castle.
447
01:01:43,010 --> 01:01:45,669
I did it because I heard
a woman crying out for help.
448
01:01:46,018 --> 01:01:52,254
I rushed there, and what I saw was terrible!
449
01:01:52,547 --> 01:01:55,584
There were enormous footprints,
torn up vegetation and broken tree branches.
450
01:01:55,705 --> 01:02:00,159
What a cute story!
You're telling me you met King Kong?
451
01:02:00,404 --> 01:02:04,358
Don't joke! I'm serious!
There was blood all over the place!
452
01:02:04,540 --> 01:02:06,126
Even on the branches!
453
01:02:06,327 --> 01:02:10,924
Following the trail, I came to
a waterfall, where I found this.
454
01:02:11,432 --> 01:02:13,059
It was still covered in blood! Look!
455
01:02:13,586 --> 01:02:16,093
Here's the proof!
Are you convinced now?
456
01:02:25,397 --> 01:02:27,141
But this is Baby Love's belt!
457
01:02:29,340 --> 01:02:30,834
Yes! It's hers!
458
01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:33,810
She's dead!
459
01:02:34,003 --> 01:02:37,672
Holy shit!
Satan! Satan! I thank you!
460
01:02:37,879 --> 01:02:40,507
I'm rid of that dumbass monkey at last!
461
01:02:40,668 --> 01:02:43,214
And now it's those four buffoons' turn!
462
01:02:43,386 --> 01:02:44,614
I'm rich!
463
01:02:44,670 --> 01:02:47,905
I'll throw a party that would make
Messalina and Pipino the Short blush!
464
01:02:47,995 --> 01:02:49,475
I'll cover you in gold!
465
01:02:49,514 --> 01:02:52,006
Don't get your hopes up, my Queen!
I won't be staying with you!
466
01:02:52,122 --> 01:02:57,483
As you wish. It's your loss!
You don't deserve to live like a prince!
467
01:02:57,773 --> 01:03:02,955
You poor fool!
No one can refuse my hospitality!
468
01:03:03,243 --> 01:03:06,654
You won't get out of this castle alive!
469
01:03:07,044 --> 01:03:09,406
You're wrong!
I'm leaving, whether you allow it or not!
470
01:03:09,584 --> 01:03:14,333
The only way you'll leave here...
471
01:03:15,424 --> 01:03:16,577
is dead!
472
01:06:06,301 --> 01:06:07,467
Gentlemen...
473
01:06:07,544 --> 01:06:12,838
our corporate stock, our beloved Baby Love,
the destined bride, the flower of virginity...
474
01:06:13,094 --> 01:06:14,367
is dead!!!
475
01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,692
The only thing that's left of her is this relic.
476
01:06:17,108 --> 01:06:21,430
In accordance with the contract, Article 13,
Section A, Paragraph 2, which stipulates that...
477
01:06:21,619 --> 01:06:24,843
in case of death, everything must
be maintained in its current status.
478
01:06:25,761 --> 01:06:29,454
Therefore, I will retain
the million dollars you deposited...
479
01:06:30,143 --> 01:06:33,451
and ask that you immediately leave the castle!
480
01:06:34,294 --> 01:06:41,778
Your continued presence will remind me too
much of my beloved, sweet, adorable Baby Love!
481
01:06:42,766 --> 01:06:45,184
In other wordsbe gone!
482
01:06:50,605 --> 01:06:55,368
Perfumed lady,
may I be allowed to smell the belt?
483
01:06:55,687 --> 01:06:57,133
It's your right!
484
01:08:06,852 --> 01:08:11,379
Yes! It belongs to Baby Love!
My smell is never wrong!
485
01:09:14,897 --> 01:09:20,469
Oh! The pain! The pain!
486
01:09:40,883 --> 01:09:44,427
Baby Love is dead!
487
01:10:54,106 --> 01:10:57,213
Blindfolded menyou're half condemned!
488
01:10:57,694 --> 01:11:00,283
Mania with cock.
You're out of here, don't knock!
489
01:13:22,190 --> 01:13:25,514
Baby Love had jumped out of
the frying pan and into the fire!
490
01:13:26,500 --> 01:13:33,610
In fact, the crazy guy had an even crazier
brother called The Wizard of Passo Di Brione!
491
01:13:34,568 --> 01:13:40,615
It's a fact that back then, like nowadays,
village girls liked to entertain themselves.
492
01:13:40,938 --> 01:13:48,931
That's why the Wizard could arrange innocent
para-pussyology sessions with great success!
493
01:13:49,429 --> 01:13:53,983
Sadly, Baby Love knew next to
nothing about para-pussyology!
494
01:13:54,536 --> 01:14:00,645
And her thirst for knowledge was
regularly thwarted by the advanced students!
495
01:14:01,597 --> 01:14:05,121
Oh! Nice! Very nice! I want to try too!
496
01:14:06,839 --> 01:14:10,924
Away! Get away! Take her away!
497
01:14:14,617 --> 01:14:18,380
Away! Away! Cursed woman!
You're not a member of my cult!
498
01:14:18,466 --> 01:14:21,213
Help! Help!
499
01:14:22,512 --> 01:14:25,994
Let me out of here!
500
01:15:07,633 --> 01:15:10,398
That crazy woman plays Middle-Ages
and like a moron I played along!
501
01:15:17,771 --> 01:15:19,847
I deserved it! Bloody hell!
502
01:15:27,136 --> 01:15:29,171
Get me out of here!
503
01:17:18,642 --> 01:17:22,722
Theater must be explicit communication,
not allusive theory!
504
01:17:22,905 --> 01:17:27,381
It must be externalization of the ego,
spontaneous alternative of the collective...
505
01:17:27,548 --> 01:17:31,362
managed with an upward impulse
from subconscious to conscious!
506
01:17:31,685 --> 01:17:36,496
To dishevel wigs!
Theater is life! Theater is the soul!
507
01:17:37,029 --> 01:17:39,276
Stop that damned gibberish!
508
01:17:39,710 --> 01:17:41,624
I contest! I protest! I rebel!
509
01:17:41,746 --> 01:17:46,193
Mars is in astral conjunction with Saturn!
In triangulation with Aries! In conjunction with Virgo!
510
01:17:46,565 --> 01:17:48,846
Taurus is in opposition with Gemini!
511
01:17:49,048 --> 01:17:53,603
My oracles have spoken!
Curses and misfortunes on this temple!
512
01:17:53,948 --> 01:17:57,187
Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!
513
01:17:57,577 --> 01:18:01,475
Don't listen to this crazy man,
his oracles or his prophecies!
514
01:18:01,941 --> 01:18:04,388
33 curses will fall on his madness!
515
01:18:04,654 --> 01:18:08,772
I am the king, the protagonist,
I cannot be struck down by such as him!
516
01:18:08,917 --> 01:18:17,163
You, with your hemorrhoids, boils, lack of
skills and mediocre mind are only worthy...
517
01:18:17,349 --> 01:18:20,930
to take the dog out to piss,
prepare the sandwiches and clean the toilets!
518
01:18:21,111 --> 01:18:23,581
You'll never get any further than that,
you ballerina's constipated brain!
519
01:18:23,669 --> 01:18:26,779
Hello! Lunch is served!
Hello! Dinner is served!
520
01:18:27,043 --> 01:18:29,583
To be or not to be.
My kingdom for a horse.
521
01:18:47,058 --> 01:18:51,101
You're like all Italians! You show them a
little kindness and they try to take advantage!
522
01:18:51,771 --> 01:18:55,120
I just came to let you out
because we have a mission.
523
01:18:55,555 --> 01:18:56,824
We must find Baby Love!
524
01:18:57,212 --> 01:18:58,582
Please! Stop!
525
01:18:59,086 --> 01:19:00,332
Stop it!
526
01:19:00,467 --> 01:19:01,608
There are people are coming!
527
01:19:01,804 --> 01:19:05,604
It's them! The four crows!
We must follow them to find Baby Love!
528
01:19:06,746 --> 01:19:08,730
Will you stop it?
529
01:19:13,303 --> 01:19:14,717
Just one kiss and then you must stop!
530
01:19:37,752 --> 01:19:42,641
Yes! Yes! My smell never fails!
It never fails!
531
01:23:48,857 --> 01:23:50,091
This is theater!
532
01:23:50,093 --> 01:23:54,202
Because theater is liberating action,
creative action, inspiring action!
533
01:23:54,207 --> 01:23:57,115
Words are useless! Expression is action!
534
01:23:57,341 --> 01:24:02,148
Silence expresses everything:
anger, youth, strength, sensuality, life, death.
535
01:24:03,737 --> 01:24:06,091
I'm a genius!
536
01:24:09,978 --> 01:24:13,654
- Who are you? What do you want?
- We want Baby Love back!
537
01:24:14,559 --> 01:24:16,748
Look at where my baby ended up!!!
538
01:24:16,918 --> 01:24:21,358
Baby Love, you silly girl! Get off that stage!
You have more serious things to do!
539
01:24:21,533 --> 01:24:23,889
Shut up when you talk to me! I rule here!
540
01:24:24,106 --> 01:24:26,928
This is my temple!
You won't be stealing my female lead!
541
01:24:27,223 --> 01:24:28,687
Go away!
542
01:24:28,897 --> 01:24:32,071
- What is he saying? How dare he?
- You can't abduct Baby Love!
543
01:24:45,824 --> 01:24:47,612
Stop it! Stop it!
544
01:24:49,280 --> 01:24:51,161
Will you just stop it?
545
01:24:51,521 --> 01:24:53,196
What is all this noise?
546
01:24:53,508 --> 01:24:55,135
She'll be the one to decide!
547
01:24:55,404 --> 01:24:57,743
You'll never have my Baby Love, buffoon...
548
01:24:57,896 --> 01:25:02,122
because I'm her mother!
Because only I know all that I have given her!
549
01:25:02,323 --> 01:25:08,815
- I call on your democratic spirit!
- In Russia we say- In Sicily we say...
550
01:25:09,841 --> 01:25:11,764
If you choose calmly and wisely...
551
01:25:12,013 --> 01:25:13,905
you'll see everything will be okay!
552
01:25:13,906 --> 01:25:15,346
Believe me!
553
01:25:58,982 --> 01:26:02,114
With whom shall I do theater now?
554
01:26:02,222 --> 01:26:07,837
I've found the perfect female lead!
Who will ever be able to assume her role?
555
01:26:08,212 --> 01:26:11,206
Me! The Queen!
Am I or am I not her mother?
556
01:26:11,902 --> 01:26:15,258
I'm sure you won't miss her!
Let me assure you!
557
01:26:16,130 --> 01:26:20,508
"To be or not to be. That is the question"
558
01:26:20,721 --> 01:26:24,731
This is theater!
You will prostitute yourselves on the rack!
559
01:26:25,166 --> 01:26:30,487
Sentiments! Genius! Because I am the genius!
And this is my theater!
560
01:26:30,643 --> 01:26:31,887
So, all together now...
561
01:26:31,915 --> 01:26:33,303
who will lend me a cigarette?
562
01:26:33,618 --> 01:26:35,136
Let's start rehearsals immediatley!
563
01:26:35,259 --> 01:26:40,244
It will be a modern performance,
rebellious, nonconformist, revolutionary!
564
01:26:40,307 --> 01:26:42,427
Yes! I have decided! I have decided!
565
01:26:42,428 --> 01:26:45,136
We'll finally debut my theater!
566
01:26:45,397 --> 01:26:51,781
The theater of life! The theater of the soul!
Life! Soul!
567
01:27:05,220 --> 01:27:12,341
But who is there, far from clamor and ambition,
far from yearning and vanity...
568
01:27:12,622 --> 01:27:14,453
that lives the true life?
569
01:27:14,952 --> 01:27:18,797
Now the two lovers are happy
in the simple flow of days...
570
01:27:19,309 --> 01:27:20,431
as the Lord commanded.
571
01:27:21,355 --> 01:27:24,846
"Woman, you shall bring water to bake the bread.
572
01:27:25,572 --> 01:27:29,770
"Man, you shall chop wood to feed the fire."
573
01:29:00,720 --> 01:29:07,621
Adapted from subtitles
originally created by VaccaStracca
49106
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