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1
00:01:38,147 --> 00:01:39,238
Oh, my God.
2
00:01:57,376 --> 00:01:59,380
-Miss Hayes.
-What?
3
00:01:59,836 --> 00:02:01,260
-Never mind.
-Agnes.
4
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,059
-Yes, Miss Hayes.
-What is it?
5
00:02:03,214 --> 00:02:06,512
Nothing, I wondered if you had
a moment, but you don't, that's fine.
6
00:02:06,676 --> 00:02:08,516
I do. I'm sorry. Please come in.
7
00:02:08,678 --> 00:02:10,186
I didn't mean to snap at you.
8
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:13,811
-Do you know anything about phones?
-I know everything about phones.
9
00:02:13,976 --> 00:02:16,989
I can't make head or tail
of this cellular that David bought.
10
00:02:17,146 --> 00:02:19,483
I don't know anything
about those phones.
11
00:02:19,648 --> 00:02:23,160
Nowadays, you have to have a degree
in computers to set your clock back.
12
00:02:23,319 --> 00:02:25,572
To turn your alarm on,
to make a phone call.
13
00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:27,910
-I know.
-And do you know why?
14
00:02:28,074 --> 00:02:29,960
-I don't know.
-Men.
15
00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,162
Men?
16
00:02:31,327 --> 00:02:34,460
They're all little boys
on one big search for the ultimate toy.
17
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:35,665
I know.
18
00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:38,679
-You know the worst part of it is?
-I don't know.
19
00:02:38,835 --> 00:02:40,508
We have to share the same toy box.
20
00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:42,589
I know.
21
00:02:42,756 --> 00:02:45,556
David decides to have this
cellular phone for stakeouts...
22
00:02:45,718 --> 00:02:46,809
...but do I want one?
23
00:02:47,177 --> 00:02:49,763
-I don't know.
-No. Do I know how to use one?
24
00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:52,610
-I don't know.
-No. Can I figure it out?
25
00:02:52,765 --> 00:02:53,859
No.
26
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:55,906
Of course I can figure it out.
27
00:02:56,061 --> 00:02:58,149
-But do I have the time or interest?
-No?
28
00:02:58,313 --> 00:03:00,614
Right. And whose problem is that?
29
00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:02,661
-Is that his problem?
-No.
30
00:03:02,819 --> 00:03:06,200
Mine! I have to learn how to use this
because he has to have his toys.
31
00:03:06,364 --> 00:03:08,166
-Because they're all the same.
-Who?
32
00:03:08,324 --> 00:03:11,255
Men. What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
33
00:03:11,411 --> 00:03:12,918
-Men.
-You too?
34
00:03:15,248 --> 00:03:17,335
Agnes...
35
00:03:20,002 --> 00:03:21,095
...is that a rash?
36
00:03:21,254 --> 00:03:24,219
No, but I wish it were.
37
00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:27,146
A rash is an act of nature,
like hives.
38
00:03:27,302 --> 00:03:30,435
But this? This is an act of Burt.
39
00:03:30,598 --> 00:03:32,685
-It is.
-Stubble burn.
40
00:03:33,976 --> 00:03:38,153
Oh, Miss Hayes,
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
41
00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:40,947
You know how this feels?
it's happened to you?
42
00:03:41,108 --> 00:03:45,200
All the time. Well, not all the time,
but I know how you feel.
43
00:03:45,362 --> 00:03:48,709
You don't know what that means to me,
knowing that I can come to you.
44
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:51,500
Miss Hayes, can we speak frankly?
45
00:03:52,036 --> 00:03:53,673
Of course, Agnes.
46
00:03:53,829 --> 00:03:58,801
Because you're my boss,
I tend to think of you as my boss.
47
00:03:59,961 --> 00:04:03,473
But at a time like this,
it makes me feel really good...
48
00:04:03,631 --> 00:04:07,689
...to also know that I can think
of you as a sister.
49
00:04:08,136 --> 00:04:10,984
Oh, Agnes, that's wonderful.
50
00:04:11,139 --> 00:04:13,226
Honestly, I feel the same way
about you.
51
00:04:14,059 --> 00:04:16,693
Oh, this is such a load off my mind.
52
00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:20,200
I've been dragging this beard burn
around for days.
53
00:04:20,357 --> 00:04:23,074
I haven't been able to talk to a soul.
54
00:04:23,235 --> 00:04:24,528
Burt just tunes me out.
55
00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:26,367
Even my mother doesn't understand.
56
00:04:28,449 --> 00:04:31,333
Dad never had any body hair.
57
00:04:31,661 --> 00:04:35,623
So I decided to come to you
because I know you'll help.
58
00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:38,044
I'd be happy to, Agnes...
59
00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:40,262
...but what do you
want me to do exactly?
60
00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:41,713
Nothing.
61
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:44,931
It's just enough knowing
that you agree with me.
62
00:04:45,091 --> 00:04:46,930
So now I can tell Burt...
63
00:04:47,093 --> 00:04:50,725
...that you don't like having your
pantyhose shredded anymore than I do.
64
00:04:50,889 --> 00:04:53,569
Hey, I know you two
are getting all highly and giggly...
65
00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:56,109
-...but you gotta check this guy out.
-What guy?
66
00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:58,987
I don't know. I called him Kooky,
he didn't seem to mind.
67
00:04:59,147 --> 00:05:01,947
Popped in here while you two
are having your knitting bee.
68
00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:05,242
Is this guy a specimen or what?
69
00:05:05,403 --> 00:05:07,290
-What does he want?
-He brought a video.
70
00:05:07,448 --> 00:05:10,461
-He wants us to take a look-see.
-What is it?
71
00:05:11,201 --> 00:05:14,214
From what I can gather,
his boss wants to retain our services.
72
00:05:14,371 --> 00:05:17,920
Wow, video clients, a new frontier.
73
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:19,676
Yeah.
74
00:05:19,835 --> 00:05:22,718
But progress is not without
its downside, Miss Di Pesto.
75
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,808
Why, someday you, me, Miss Hayes,
we may all be replaced by holograms.
76
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,554
-We may?
-I think it's very possible.
77
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,192
Maybe we'd ask him in to talk.
78
00:05:31,347 --> 00:05:34,195
Kooky? I already tried.
Cat's got his tongue.
79
00:05:34,351 --> 00:05:36,356
You can see
the scratch marks on his face.
80
00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:39,532
The way I figure it is,
his boss is your Howard Hughes type.
81
00:05:39,689 --> 00:05:42,371
Pads around the compound
with Kleenex boxes on his feet.
82
00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:45,290
Stores his precious bodily fluids
in mayonnaise jars.
83
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,702
It's a "yechy" world, Agnes.
84
00:05:47,865 --> 00:05:49,916
Maybe the person he works for
is just shy.
85
00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:51,629
Could be, but my guess is...
86
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:54,253
...he likes to stay home
boiling his own underwear.
87
00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:57,841
Watching old reruns of Hee Haw,
while his vast network of operatives...
88
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,299
...is like Kooky out there
run his empire of weirdness.
89
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,097
Well, busy, busy, busy.
90
00:06:06,592 --> 00:06:09,689
-That rug burn Agnes is sporting?
-That's none of your business.
91
00:06:09,846 --> 00:06:11,056
Oh, you could be right.
92
00:06:11,222 --> 00:06:13,109
Why, you know,
I like this case already.
93
00:06:13,266 --> 00:06:16,778
-We don't know what we're asked to do.
-Makes it more interesting.
94
00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:19,442
I am so sorry.
95
00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:21,943
Let's go to the video tape.
96
00:06:22,525 --> 00:06:23,736
Take it easy, big fellow.
97
00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:27,699
Agnes, see if Kooky here wants
cream and sugar in his formaldehyde.
98
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:31,911
Get a load of this.
99
00:06:32,494 --> 00:06:34,581
"What you are about to see
is the truth.
100
00:06:34,746 --> 00:06:36,834
For reasons that you will
soon understand...
101
00:06:36,999 --> 00:06:41,970
...I have decided to spare us both
the discomfort of a personal meeting.
102
00:06:42,379 --> 00:06:45,346
Once you have viewed the tape,
blah, blah, blah--
103
00:06:45,508 --> 00:06:50,977
The utmost confidence.
Yours truly, Leslie Hunziger."
104
00:06:51,139 --> 00:06:53,857
-Hot Sushi Girls.
-That doggone Fast Eddie.
105
00:06:54,017 --> 00:06:56,271
Every time I take the machine in
this happens.
106
00:06:56,436 --> 00:07:00,196
Probably uses this tape
to test the stop action.
107
00:07:00,357 --> 00:07:01,994
How could she eat raw fish?
108
00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:03,491
It's red snapper.
109
00:07:03,652 --> 00:07:04,826
An acquired taste.
110
00:07:05,654 --> 00:07:07,374
David.
111
00:07:09,574 --> 00:07:11,414
What are those two
doing to each other?
112
00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:14,294
So finally, the truth comes out.
113
00:07:14,455 --> 00:07:17,004
You little closet kinkoid, you.
114
00:07:17,166 --> 00:07:19,336
You're a normal,
red-blooded American male...
115
00:07:19,502 --> 00:07:22,182
...but the slightest glimmer
of interest from a woman...
116
00:07:22,338 --> 00:07:23,726
...and I'm a "kinkoid"?
117
00:07:23,881 --> 00:07:26,349
Vixen, you. You minx.
118
00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:29,309
Men. You wanna put us on a pedestal
or down in the gutter.
119
00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:32,056
That way we can look up your dress
or down your blouse.
120
00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,644
Start the tape.
121
00:07:44,235 --> 00:07:46,490
My name is Leslie Hunziger.
122
00:07:46,655 --> 00:07:47,913
Bazooka Joe.
123
00:07:48,073 --> 00:07:50,493
What I do for a living
doesn't matter...
124
00:07:50,659 --> 00:07:54,004
...nor do the details
of my so-called existence.
125
00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:57,876
What does matter as far as you
and this case are concerned...
126
00:07:58,041 --> 00:08:03,890
...is that thanks to faulty
cosmetic surgery, I am a monster.
127
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,468
-Why'd you do that?
-I don't think this is our case.
128
00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:08,721
-I wanna hear this man out.
-No, you don't.
129
00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:11,271
Don't tell me what I don't wanna do.
130
00:08:13,683 --> 00:08:16,187
Three years ago,
I had plastic surgery.
131
00:08:16,352 --> 00:08:18,404
I believed it would make me
look younger...
132
00:08:18,563 --> 00:08:20,982
...more appealing to my wife.
133
00:08:21,148 --> 00:08:24,079
I'd been warned that the procedure
I was to undergo...
134
00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:27,035
...was highly experimental.
135
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:28,703
But the potential benefits...
136
00:08:28,864 --> 00:08:33,125
...the restoration of my face
to its former youth...
137
00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:36,170
...was simply too tempting to resist.
138
00:08:36,331 --> 00:08:38,134
Be a good time to go to lunch.
139
00:08:38,291 --> 00:08:39,799
What, you one of them shushers?
140
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,507
One of them people that a guy nine
rows away whispers to his girlfriend...
141
00:08:43,672 --> 00:08:45,724
-...you shush him?
-David, please be quiet.
142
00:08:45,882 --> 00:08:47,887
This man's in pain
and he needs our help.
143
00:08:48,052 --> 00:08:52,808
...gifted in this field was unable
to repair his own mistakes.
144
00:08:53,057 --> 00:08:57,898
The great Dr. Brill had failed...
145
00:08:58,062 --> 00:09:01,739
...and now, thanks to his technique...
146
00:09:01,899 --> 00:09:04,996
...I'm a prisoner in my own house...
147
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,331
...reviled by family and friends...
148
00:09:07,489 --> 00:09:12,377
...set apart forever
from the rest of humanity.
149
00:09:13,328 --> 00:09:15,547
A dreadful mistake?
150
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,634
Perhaps.
151
00:09:17,832 --> 00:09:21,047
But there are reasons known
only to myself..
152
00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:23,892
...that caused me
to believe otherwise.
153
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,017
Why is he wearing
them white gloves--?
154
00:09:26,175 --> 00:09:29,556
Now, what I want from you
is concrete evidence...
155
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:34,110
...that this condition
is a direct result...
156
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:37,860
...of willful, preventable malpractice.
157
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:41,402
I'm willing to share a portion
of the settlement...
158
00:09:41,566 --> 00:09:43,368
...along with your usual fee.
159
00:09:43,776 --> 00:09:45,413
But the reason I am doing this...
160
00:09:45,570 --> 00:09:50,161
...is to make sure
that no one ever has to suffer...
161
00:09:50,325 --> 00:09:52,745
...as I have suffered.
162
00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:59,218
I want that scalpel out
of this man's hands.
163
00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:02,093
I want justice.
164
00:10:03,839 --> 00:10:05,132
That's a sad story.
165
00:10:05,298 --> 00:10:08,348
Yeah, right up there
with "Boy eats other foot, slays self."
166
00:10:08,511 --> 00:10:10,183
Why are you against this case?
167
00:10:10,345 --> 00:10:12,433
Because I don't think
it's our cup of tea.
168
00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:14,151
-Why is that?
-it's unromantic.
169
00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:17,607
There's no spurned lover, no jealous
husband, no obsessive mistress.
170
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:20,618
This is an ordinary run-of-the-mill
botched-surgery victim.
171
00:10:20,773 --> 00:10:22,659
-You know what I think?
-Usually.
172
00:10:22,816 --> 00:10:25,201
I think this hits you where it hurts:
your vanity.
173
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,702
-My what?
-You heard me.
174
00:10:26,863 --> 00:10:28,583
This from a woman
who used to primp?
175
00:10:28,739 --> 00:10:30,496
David, it's all right, it's fine.
176
00:10:30,658 --> 00:10:33,244
Everybody has something
that sets their teeth on edge.
177
00:10:33,411 --> 00:10:36,046
With you, it's your face.
With me, it's contact lenses.
178
00:10:36,206 --> 00:10:38,425
Putting anything in my eye
makes me squeamish.
179
00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:41,965
It's gonna take more than some clown
with a dickey to make me squeamish.
180
00:10:42,128 --> 00:10:45,012
-So we'll take the case.
-Fine.
181
00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:56,316
-What was that?
-Still got eyes, a nose, and a mouth?
182
00:10:56,477 --> 00:10:59,027
-I'm touching up my makeup.
-I'm the one who's vain.
183
00:10:59,187 --> 00:11:01,359
-Forget I said anything.
-You called me vain.
184
00:11:01,524 --> 00:11:03,909
-I'm not gonna forget that.
-Okay, David, sorry.
185
00:11:04,068 --> 00:11:06,239
But why wouldn't you
wanna help Mr. Hunziger?
186
00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:10,284
Hunziger. I'm not saying he deserved
what he got, but he asked for it.
187
00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:13,499
Don't you have any compassion
for what he's been through?
188
00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:15,630
Yeah, but this
could 've been prevented...
189
00:11:15,788 --> 00:11:18,469
...if he hadn't started
rearranging the bone structure.
190
00:11:18,624 --> 00:11:20,464
Wives do it for husbands all the time.
191
00:11:20,627 --> 00:11:24,055
Last I heard, you took somebody
for richer, poorer, sickness, health...
192
00:11:24,213 --> 00:11:26,301
-...gorgeous or ugly.
-You'd feel different...
193
00:11:26,465 --> 00:11:29,930
-...if you hadn't lucked out in the face.
-You don't stop clocks yourself.
194
00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:32,016
My point is,
it's normal for a person...
195
00:11:32,181 --> 00:11:35,146
...to want to make themselves
more attractive to people.
196
00:11:35,308 --> 00:11:36,351
Within reason.
197
00:11:36,519 --> 00:11:39,199
Take garters and stockings,
do women enjoy wearing them?
198
00:11:39,355 --> 00:11:41,858
-Now we're serious.
-They're draughty, time-consuming.
199
00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:45,240
I have yet to meet a man who
doesn't drool at the thought of them.
200
00:11:45,403 --> 00:11:47,325
-Gets a rise out of me.
-Exactly.
201
00:11:47,488 --> 00:11:50,335
I have several hundred dollars worth
I'd rather not wear.
202
00:11:50,491 --> 00:11:52,461
I like my blondes on the half shell.
203
00:11:52,618 --> 00:11:54,790
-But you get my point.
-You made your point.
204
00:11:54,954 --> 00:11:58,087
Women dress up, fiddle with this,
f addle with that. Makeup, wigs.
205
00:11:58,249 --> 00:12:00,835
When nothing short of Spackle
will cover the damage...
206
00:12:01,002 --> 00:12:02,841
-...they go for a tuck.
-And men don't?
207
00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:05,092
There's a difference
between girls and boys.
208
00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:07,392
Unfortunately,
Father Time plays favorites.
209
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,849
Listen, you're gonna have your share
of pouches and wrinkles too.
210
00:12:11,012 --> 00:12:12,567
That's right, character, baby.
211
00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:14,893
Harvard.
212
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,644
Good school.
213
00:12:18,062 --> 00:12:19,353
Didn't get into Yale.
214
00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:22,530
So, what can we do for you?
215
00:12:22,692 --> 00:12:24,447
Well...
216
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,163
...I don't know exactly.
217
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,416
I'm not sure why I'm here.
I guess I'm afraid of getting old.
218
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:32,077
-Not exactly a new story.
-No.
219
00:12:32,243 --> 00:12:34,413
But I'd love to hear
your version of it.
220
00:12:34,579 --> 00:12:36,215
Would you like to take a seat?
221
00:12:40,168 --> 00:12:43,181
What are you afraid of exactly?
222
00:12:43,838 --> 00:12:47,100
Well, you know,
when you're young...
223
00:12:47,257 --> 00:12:49,727
...you can't imagine
anything being different...
224
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:51,725
...but then--
225
00:12:52,764 --> 00:12:55,647
Well, I guess
I'm just used to all eyes being on me.
226
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:59,155
In your case,
most of the cameras as well.
227
00:13:00,272 --> 00:13:02,323
It's my job to know faces.
228
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,569
Particularly, the beautiful ones.
229
00:13:04,735 --> 00:13:05,779
Thank you.
230
00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:07,914
I've had women patients
come in here...
231
00:13:08,072 --> 00:13:10,789
...with your magazine covers,
pleading:
232
00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:13,713
"Make me look like
the Blue Moon Shampoo Girl."
233
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:16,455
-Really?
-I had to let them down easy.
234
00:13:16,622 --> 00:13:18,709
They don't teach you that,
even at Yale.
235
00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:21,804
Well, I'm flattered, but that was then.
236
00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:25,219
This is now.
237
00:13:25,631 --> 00:13:27,103
Let's have a look.
238
00:13:35,808 --> 00:13:38,027
-Hi.
-May I help you?
239
00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:40,655
I'm here from Harum-Scarum
Drapery Cleaning...
240
00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:41,858
...about the estimate.
241
00:13:42,649 --> 00:13:45,033
This pretty much explains
male pattern baldness...
242
00:13:45,193 --> 00:13:48,123
...and describes some of the medical
options available.
243
00:13:48,279 --> 00:13:52,160
-What's that?
-We don't have drapes, just blinds.
244
00:13:53,201 --> 00:13:54,294
It's okay.
245
00:13:54,453 --> 00:13:57,965
You'd be surprised how many guys
come in here feeling a little awkward...
246
00:13:58,123 --> 00:14:00,176
...but I wouldn't worry if I were you.
247
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:01,924
You've got a great look.
248
00:14:02,086 --> 00:14:05,383
-You think so?
-Personally, I prefer a high forehead.
249
00:14:05,548 --> 00:14:09,475
Yeah. It has been linked
to higher intelligence...
250
00:14:09,635 --> 00:14:12,435
...and a higher level of male hormones
in the bloodstream.
251
00:14:12,596 --> 00:14:15,526
An old wives tale,
but you've got a great look.
252
00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:18,188
The doctor is with a patient
right now.
253
00:14:18,353 --> 00:14:21,486
If you'd like a consultation,
he has an opening after lunch.
254
00:14:21,648 --> 00:14:24,448
Maybe I'll just thumb
through the brochure for a minute.
255
00:14:24,609 --> 00:14:26,911
You know where I can get
a sandwich around here?
256
00:14:27,071 --> 00:14:29,158
There's a little place
across the street.
257
00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:32,455
-Would you like to join me?
-I'm brown-bagging it today.
258
00:14:32,617 --> 00:14:34,872
We could have a luncheon for two
on the grass.
259
00:14:35,037 --> 00:14:37,089
Wouldn't be very professional of me.
260
00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:39,632
It's not good for your digestion
to eat alone.
261
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:43,090
-Are you hitting on me?
-Yeah.
262
00:14:43,254 --> 00:14:46,350
Well, you know what they say.
Men age better than women.
263
00:14:46,507 --> 00:14:48,060
-Who says that?
-A friend.
264
00:14:48,217 --> 00:14:50,553
-He's dead wrong.
-I didn't say it was a man.
265
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,690
Only a man
would say something so stupid.
266
00:14:52,847 --> 00:14:56,394
Each stage of a woman's life
is a different season.
267
00:14:56,559 --> 00:14:58,362
Each beautiful in its own way.
268
00:14:58,519 --> 00:15:01,238
You're saying I'm approaching
the winter of my discontent.
269
00:15:01,398 --> 00:15:03,201
You've got nothing to worry about.
270
00:15:03,358 --> 00:15:06,704
Besides, the French say
that a woman under 30...
271
00:15:06,861 --> 00:15:08,866
...is like an unripe peach.
272
00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:10,917
Are you saying
I have to move to France?
273
00:15:11,075 --> 00:15:15,381
No. Our culture treats aging
as if it were some kind of illness...
274
00:15:15,537 --> 00:15:17,542
...instead of the natural course of life.
275
00:15:17,706 --> 00:15:20,921
We think if we take enough vitamins,
or do enough exercise...
276
00:15:21,085 --> 00:15:24,430
...or glop on enough face cream,
we can stave off the inevitable.
277
00:15:24,588 --> 00:15:25,798
What I am saying is...
278
00:15:25,964 --> 00:15:28,551
...that we should spend less time
avoiding life...
279
00:15:28,717 --> 00:15:30,271
...and more time living it.
280
00:15:30,428 --> 00:15:33,642
A comedian? I knew it.
I had a feeling.
281
00:15:33,806 --> 00:15:36,357
Do bears bear, do bees bee?
282
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:37,728
That's funny.
283
00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:40,113
It's some new material
I've been working on.
284
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,071
Really? I'd love to come
see your act sometime.
285
00:15:43,441 --> 00:15:44,913
Well, next time I'm working...
286
00:15:45,068 --> 00:15:47,322
...I'll get passes for you
and your boyfriend.
287
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,824
-I don't have a boyfriend.
-Really?
288
00:15:49,989 --> 00:15:53,917
Well, I'm very surprised.
You are a really pretty girl.
289
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,712
You'd be the girl that'd be
walking down some runway...
290
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,758
...showing off somebody's
fall fashions.
291
00:15:58,915 --> 00:16:03,591
Thanks, but I haven't always looked
the way I look right now.
292
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,681
-Like this.
-I didn't always look this way either.
293
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:10,019
I used to be three-feet tall
and have freckles and a cowlick.
294
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:13,938
No. I mean,
up until a couple of years ago...
295
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,483
...before I went to work for Dr. Brill...
296
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,866
...a guy like you wouldn't have
given me a second look.
297
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,363
I was invisible.
298
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:25,371
You block out the light
in a much more interesting way now.
299
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:29,408
You're so funny.
300
00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:35,256
I never thought
I would be any different.
301
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,916
And Dr. Brill
came into the deli one day.
302
00:16:38,082 --> 00:16:39,588
I used to workin a deli.
303
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,091
He ordered three-bean salad.
304
00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:44,430
I gave him a discount
because it only had two beans.
305
00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:45,632
He took a number.
306
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,977
And all the time he's waiting,
he was looking at me.
307
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:50,806
When it was his turn, he said...
308
00:16:50,970 --> 00:16:54,184
...a pound of pastrami, and would I
like to be a different person?
309
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:58,026
I thought he had a couple
of cocktails for lunch.
310
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,909
-So he did some work on you?
-A little.
311
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,912
You ever seen those statues
by Michelangelo?
312
00:17:05,068 --> 00:17:09,030
Those great looking guys
blasted out of hunks of rock?
313
00:17:10,823 --> 00:17:13,789
Nipped, snipped,
tucked, sculpted, tailored.
314
00:17:13,952 --> 00:17:16,123
One hundred percent man-made.
315
00:17:16,288 --> 00:17:18,968
-Dr. Brill.
-Made me into his fantasy.
316
00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:20,796
Well, it's not a bad fantasy.
317
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:22,426
Thanks.
318
00:17:22,586 --> 00:17:25,054
He raised my right eye,
lowered my left.
319
00:17:25,213 --> 00:17:27,384
New ears, fixed my jaw.
320
00:17:27,549 --> 00:17:31,097
Give me two bosoms
I can really be proud of.
321
00:17:33,472 --> 00:17:36,486
Sure as hell can rip your heart
into a million pieces.
322
00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:37,899
You and he were an item.
323
00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:40,030
"Were" being the operative word.
324
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:47,329
-You know her?
-Not exactly.
325
00:17:47,486 --> 00:17:48,745
She's a patient.
326
00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:51,491
Dr. Brill's latest creation.
327
00:17:51,658 --> 00:17:53,378
I'd like to kill her.
328
00:17:53,535 --> 00:17:56,548
Use her body for spare parts.
329
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,587
So, what's the diagnosis?
330
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,299
Beautiful.
331
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:02,554
Seriously...
332
00:18:02,711 --> 00:18:05,392
...I'm good, but sometimes
God comes along...
333
00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:07,220
...and puts me in my place.
334
00:18:07,383 --> 00:18:10,977
I wouldn't dream of jeopardising that
with something so clumsy as surgery.
335
00:18:14,639 --> 00:18:16,727
-I don't believe it.
-You better believe it.
336
00:18:16,893 --> 00:18:18,648
-Well, I don't, it's impossible.
-No.
337
00:18:18,811 --> 00:18:20,863
Twenty two episodes a season
is impossible.
338
00:18:21,021 --> 00:18:24,486
But Brill playing doctor with his
girl patients is not only possible...
339
00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:26,204
...but it's walking towards us.
340
00:18:26,361 --> 00:18:28,662
How do we know she's a patient
and not a friend?
341
00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:31,751
He puts his trademark
where her bellybutton ought to be.
342
00:18:31,907 --> 00:18:33,581
Nurse Saundra is telling the truth?
343
00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:36,044
Why would she lie?
Two or three times a week...
344
00:18:36,204 --> 00:18:38,256
...this dreamboat comes
for an appointment.
345
00:18:38,414 --> 00:18:42,212
After, she and the doctor slip across
to the hotel for a little hidey-ho.
346
00:18:42,377 --> 00:18:44,548
See how his handiwork
holds up in the field.
347
00:18:44,712 --> 00:18:46,682
She's not the only one
he does this with.
348
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,426
I can't believe that man
could act so unethically.
349
00:18:49,592 --> 00:18:53,555
Well, apparently, he uses his practise
to make his very own party dolls.
350
00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:02,595
Dr. Brill.
351
00:20:05,463 --> 00:20:07,349
Two twenty-one?
352
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:10,349
Excuse me.
353
00:20:10,511 --> 00:20:13,642
-May I help you?
-Yeah, I'd like a room, please?
354
00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,225
Room 837.
355
00:20:16,391 --> 00:20:19,405
Do you got anything a little lower?
I'm afraid of heights.
356
00:20:21,063 --> 00:20:24,242
-Room 108.
-Can I have something with a view?
357
00:20:27,319 --> 00:20:29,704
-Room 213.
-Thirteen?
358
00:20:29,864 --> 00:20:31,536
Are you kidding? I'm superstitious.
359
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,463
How about room 222?
360
00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:35,875
Two is my lucky number.
361
00:20:38,081 --> 00:20:40,548
No, I'm sorry that room's reserved.
362
00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:43,045
Maybe you could give them
room 213.
363
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:45,132
They're probably not
as nervous as I am.
364
00:20:55,015 --> 00:20:57,352
See, you start out
watching Hot Sushi Girls.
365
00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:59,604
Next thing you know,
you're a degenerate.
366
00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:01,904
David, I can't hear
what they're saying.
367
00:21:02,063 --> 00:21:03,820
That was a moan.
368
00:21:03,983 --> 00:21:07,364
Followed by a groan,
followed by a high-pitched bark.
369
00:21:07,528 --> 00:21:09,200
David, he's saying something.
370
00:21:09,363 --> 00:21:12,709
Something about something's
not round enough, but he can fix it.
371
00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:14,706
-I'm gonna be sick.
-Watch the threads.
372
00:21:14,869 --> 00:21:17,253
He's talking about that woman
like she's putty.
373
00:21:17,413 --> 00:21:20,260
She was put on Earth for one thing:
his personal amusement.
374
00:21:20,416 --> 00:21:24,556
-I can't believe I bought in this weirdo.
-He's trying to get you to trust him.
375
00:21:24,712 --> 00:21:28,058
Can you imagine the unnecessary
surgery he'd have tried to push on me?
376
00:21:28,216 --> 00:21:29,722
Bet you 5 bucks it'd involve...
377
00:21:29,884 --> 00:21:32,103
-...a radical panty-ectomy.
-Panty-ectomy?
378
00:21:32,262 --> 00:21:34,314
Have you prepped for surgery
Iickety-split.
379
00:21:34,473 --> 00:21:37,486
I can't understand it.
I'm usually a better judge of character.
380
00:21:37,642 --> 00:21:38,982
Don't give yourself credit.
381
00:21:39,144 --> 00:21:41,648
You were involved
with Dave-a-roony for a minute.
382
00:21:41,813 --> 00:21:44,946
As vile and low as you are,
that man is viler and much lower.
383
00:21:45,108 --> 00:21:47,444
You have no idea
what it does for my self-esteem.
384
00:21:47,611 --> 00:21:48,822
Let's go to the office.
385
00:21:48,988 --> 00:21:51,455
I'll go and tell Hunziger
his case looks promising.
386
00:21:51,615 --> 00:21:54,332
Wait a minute, what's the rush?
The room is paid for.
387
00:21:54,493 --> 00:21:57,293
Somebody else has gotta clean
the sheets.
388
00:21:57,455 --> 00:22:00,219
David, forget what I just said.
389
00:22:00,375 --> 00:22:02,545
You and the doctor
are in a dead heat.
390
00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:06,139
-Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.
-Do it. Do it. Do it.
391
00:22:06,298 --> 00:22:09,061
-Shave it off.
-Shut up, people, please?
392
00:22:09,216 --> 00:22:11,352
This is hard enough
without a Greek chorus.
393
00:22:12,469 --> 00:22:16,267
This isn't about them. it's about us.
394
00:22:16,432 --> 00:22:18,106
Right.
395
00:22:19,685 --> 00:22:22,271
-What's the point of my doing this?
-Just do it, Burt.
396
00:22:22,438 --> 00:22:26,152
Agnes, I'm sorry, one doesn't simply
slice off a part of one's anatomy...
397
00:22:26,318 --> 00:22:29,283
...without being absolutely clear
as to the reasons.
398
00:22:30,196 --> 00:22:33,045
Please, for me.
399
00:22:36,829 --> 00:22:38,335
Right.
400
00:22:47,214 --> 00:22:49,054
For us.
401
00:23:12,157 --> 00:23:13,200
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
402
00:23:13,909 --> 00:23:15,546
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
403
00:23:19,957 --> 00:23:21,511
Off the desk and into a corner.
404
00:23:24,252 --> 00:23:27,765
I think the rest of us can forget
about recess for the next two weeks.
405
00:23:27,923 --> 00:23:29,680
Miss Di Pesto, what is going on?
406
00:23:30,384 --> 00:23:32,271
Miss Hayes,
it's not really their fault.
407
00:23:32,428 --> 00:23:34,100
No, Agnes.
408
00:23:34,764 --> 00:23:37,315
This is a personal matter
between us.
409
00:23:40,394 --> 00:23:43,075
Radical look, chief.
Wanna fill me in?
410
00:23:43,231 --> 00:23:46,944
Well, sir, the situation is pretty much
as it appears.
411
00:23:47,110 --> 00:23:49,447
I was just about to bid sayonara
to my beard.
412
00:23:49,612 --> 00:23:52,199
-I thought you liked your beard.
-I do.
413
00:23:52,366 --> 00:23:54,122
I'm very attached to my beard.
414
00:23:54,576 --> 00:23:55,787
I love my beard.
415
00:23:55,953 --> 00:23:57,294
Then why the big shave?
416
00:23:57,746 --> 00:24:00,676
Well, that's why, sir,
because I do love it.
417
00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:04,464
And by shaving it off,
I'm proving something to Agnes.
418
00:24:04,962 --> 00:24:09,387
That I'm willing to sacrifice something
important to me for her sake.
419
00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:11,721
Mr. Viola,
do you want to shave your beard?
420
00:24:11,886 --> 00:24:13,013
No.
421
00:24:13,179 --> 00:24:16,144
Then you mustn't for Agnes
or me or anyone else.
422
00:24:16,307 --> 00:24:18,811
-But this morning--
-I know what I said, Agnes.
423
00:24:18,977 --> 00:24:21,147
Some things are more important
than pantyhose.
424
00:24:21,312 --> 00:24:23,317
Miss Hayes is right.
425
00:24:23,481 --> 00:24:26,909
We can't give up control of our bodies,
even if it makes someone happy.
426
00:24:27,067 --> 00:24:28,326
It starts with a shave.
427
00:24:28,487 --> 00:24:31,665
Next thing you know, you're looking
at the world through a dickey.
428
00:24:31,823 --> 00:24:34,243
-Sir?
-Trust me, don't shave.
429
00:24:35,035 --> 00:24:36,542
Now, Miss Hayes and I...
430
00:24:36,704 --> 00:24:39,467
...have some extremely
important business to attend to.
431
00:24:42,543 --> 00:24:45,260
I wonder why Mr. Hunziger insisted
we come to the house?
432
00:24:45,421 --> 00:24:48,718
I don't know. Do you get the feeling
they might have it backyards?
433
00:24:48,883 --> 00:24:52,062
That somebody might answer the door
and say trick or treat?
434
00:24:52,219 --> 00:24:53,974
Kooky, my good man,
is the count in?
435
00:24:54,138 --> 00:24:55,645
I believe he's expecting us--
436
00:24:57,391 --> 00:25:00,855
I generally don't dance with men.
In your case, I may make an exception.
437
00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:03,322
We talked to Mr. Hunziger.
He asked us to come.
438
00:25:03,481 --> 00:25:05,818
-I'm sure if you checked.
-it's all right.
439
00:25:05,984 --> 00:25:08,238
Please, show our guests
into the parlour.
440
00:25:10,946 --> 00:25:14,625
Now we know why failed science
projects never lived in tract homes.
441
00:25:28,256 --> 00:25:29,930
Welcome.
442
00:25:30,510 --> 00:25:33,937
I hope I haven't inconvenienced you
by having you come by.
443
00:25:34,096 --> 00:25:35,898
No, no trouble at all.
444
00:25:36,056 --> 00:25:38,774
We were just out
getting our dog spayed.
445
00:25:38,934 --> 00:25:42,696
Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes,
I don't mind telling you...
446
00:25:42,855 --> 00:25:45,573
...how impressed I am
with your diligence in this matter.
447
00:25:45,733 --> 00:25:51,167
I've wanted to meet you face-to-face,
or an approximation thereof.
448
00:25:51,322 --> 00:25:56,080
At any rate, I hope you'll accept
my apology for this contrivance.
449
00:25:56,244 --> 00:25:59,092
I'm sure you'll understand
the necessity, however.
450
00:25:59,247 --> 00:26:02,260
-Well, of course.
-Yeah, we saw the movie.
451
00:26:02,417 --> 00:26:06,130
What my partner is trying to say is
we understand your predicament.
452
00:26:06,881 --> 00:26:08,850
My predicament.
453
00:26:09,007 --> 00:26:11,558
Language is remarkable, isn't it?
454
00:26:11,718 --> 00:26:14,567
A wealth of euphemisms
at our disposal...
455
00:26:14,721 --> 00:26:18,862
...to insulate us
from life's less pleasant realities.
456
00:26:19,018 --> 00:26:23,111
Oh, you're far too polite to say so,
of course...
457
00:26:23,272 --> 00:26:27,033
...but the fact is, I am a mutant...
458
00:26:27,235 --> 00:26:28,326
...a freak.
459
00:26:28,777 --> 00:26:30,035
Did he say mutant?
460
00:26:30,196 --> 00:26:32,415
Mr. Hunziger,
please don't say those things.
461
00:26:32,574 --> 00:26:36,286
Miss Hayes, please,
your pity only adds to my burden.
462
00:26:36,453 --> 00:26:38,255
Now, what about Dr. Brill?
463
00:26:39,706 --> 00:26:43,134
I'm sorry. I'm being rude.
464
00:26:43,292 --> 00:26:44,716
Won't you sit down?
465
00:26:54,762 --> 00:26:57,777
Well, as I said on the telephone...
466
00:26:57,932 --> 00:27:01,196
...Dr. Brill puts most of his time
and energy into these women.
467
00:27:01,353 --> 00:27:03,405
Most of his patients
are 90 percent female.
468
00:27:07,568 --> 00:27:09,538
Timing.
469
00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,199
So my deformity...
470
00:27:12,364 --> 00:27:15,579
...is little more than
a vaguely unpleasant afterthought...
471
00:27:15,742 --> 00:27:17,084
...in Dr. Brill's mind.
472
00:27:17,245 --> 00:27:22,844
An experiment that went wrong,
while he pursues his true passion.
473
00:27:23,459 --> 00:27:26,509
Well, it's good to see you kept
your sense of humour about it.
474
00:27:26,672 --> 00:27:27,845
Leslie.
475
00:27:29,341 --> 00:27:32,021
Oh, excuse me,
I didn't realise you had company.
476
00:27:32,176 --> 00:27:35,724
I don't believe you've met my wife.
477
00:27:43,189 --> 00:27:45,869
What are we gonna do?
We can't hide out in the bathroom.
478
00:27:46,025 --> 00:27:48,907
-I guess a bath is out of the question.
-He's gonna think...
479
00:27:49,069 --> 00:27:52,083
-...we flushed ourselves down the toilet.
-That's one way out.
480
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,786
I don't know how to tell that man
that his wife is cheating on him...
481
00:27:55,952 --> 00:27:58,039
...with the same doctor
who ruined his face.
482
00:27:58,204 --> 00:28:00,541
Liberace soap. Think he'll miss one?
483
00:28:00,707 --> 00:28:02,510
-David.
-You want me to talk to him?
484
00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:05,467
I just don't know how to give this guy
any more bad news.
485
00:28:05,628 --> 00:28:08,048
After all he's been through,
it seems so cruel.
486
00:28:08,214 --> 00:28:10,266
Well, he paid us for the truth.
487
00:28:10,425 --> 00:28:13,273
Because it happens to be cruel,
doesn't mean it's not true.
488
00:28:13,428 --> 00:28:15,848
-You better go there and do the deed.
-Me?
489
00:28:16,014 --> 00:28:17,568
-You.
-We just decided on you.
490
00:28:17,724 --> 00:28:19,694
You're much better
at breaking hearts.
491
00:28:19,852 --> 00:28:22,153
You're worried about me
putting my foot in my mouth.
492
00:28:22,312 --> 00:28:25,658
You'll do fine. As a matter of fact,
why don't I wait in the bathroom?
493
00:28:25,816 --> 00:28:28,700
Forget it. You're the one who got me
into this Corman movie.
494
00:28:28,861 --> 00:28:31,365
We'll both go and tell him,
but I just feel terrible.
495
00:28:31,530 --> 00:28:33,202
That poor man, it's gonna kill him.
496
00:28:33,365 --> 00:28:35,204
Wonderful.
497
00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:39,373
Look, maybe you didn't hear us right.
We said your wife is having an affair.
498
00:28:39,539 --> 00:28:41,757
Oh, it was only a matter of time.
499
00:28:41,916 --> 00:28:46,805
Michelle is not a woman
who's going to let her needs go unmet.
500
00:28:46,963 --> 00:28:50,095
It would be unreasonable
and naive of me to think otherwise.
501
00:28:50,257 --> 00:28:54,601
After all, a man with no lips
can hardly kiss his wife.
502
00:28:54,763 --> 00:28:57,527
But the man she's seeing is Dr. Brill.
503
00:28:57,682 --> 00:29:00,363
Well, it's all the more delicious.
504
00:29:00,519 --> 00:29:03,698
My case is now totally solid.
505
00:29:03,856 --> 00:29:06,026
He ruined me, then he stole my wife.
506
00:29:06,191 --> 00:29:10,071
What judge could possibly
find him innocent?
507
00:29:10,236 --> 00:29:11,828
I'll make millions.
508
00:29:11,989 --> 00:29:14,789
Wait, what about this justice
you were talking about...
509
00:29:14,951 --> 00:29:17,714
-...on the video tape you gave us?
-Miss Hayes.
510
00:29:17,869 --> 00:29:21,548
There are two things in this world
that man can't get enough of:
511
00:29:21,707 --> 00:29:24,127
Beautiful women and money.
512
00:29:24,293 --> 00:29:27,591
Since the former is no longer
within my grasp...
513
00:29:27,755 --> 00:29:29,843
...I've developed a taste
for the latter.
514
00:29:30,007 --> 00:29:35,062
I'll take his cash,
he can have all the women he wants.
515
00:29:35,221 --> 00:29:36,478
Justice.
516
00:29:36,639 --> 00:29:38,479
Sounds more like revenge to me.
517
00:29:39,809 --> 00:29:43,155
A fine line between
reparation and revenge.
518
00:29:43,313 --> 00:29:47,573
We'll let the jury decide that,
but now we need evidence.
519
00:29:47,734 --> 00:29:51,578
I want you to take photographs
of my wife and that man. Colour.
520
00:29:51,739 --> 00:29:55,452
The more graphic, the more persuasive
they'll bein court.
521
00:29:55,618 --> 00:29:58,715
Follow them.
Document everything that they do.
522
00:29:58,871 --> 00:30:02,085
And, oh, yes and we'll need
some sound recordings and videotape.
523
00:30:02,249 --> 00:30:06,177
Mr. Hunziger, I'm not certain we're the
right people to continue on this case.
524
00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:10,976
Because of what I am,
my predicament, as you say...
525
00:30:11,134 --> 00:30:13,981
...this must seem all the more ugly.
526
00:30:14,137 --> 00:30:19,025
But if you believe
that I've been wronged by this man...
527
00:30:19,183 --> 00:30:22,363
...you'll continue your investigation.
528
00:30:25,065 --> 00:30:26,904
Do you want matte or glossy finish?
529
00:30:41,332 --> 00:30:43,669
David, why don't you just go up
to her door...
530
00:30:43,834 --> 00:30:46,005
...and offer to drive Hunziger
to their tryst?
531
00:30:46,461 --> 00:30:48,717
Car pool would be
the civic-minded to do.
532
00:30:48,882 --> 00:30:50,519
-What time is it?
-8:10.
533
00:30:50,675 --> 00:30:54,305
Well, she better leave soon
if she expects to keep her alibi.
534
00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:56,725
Curtains usually go up
around 8:30.
535
00:30:56,889 --> 00:30:58,942
You know you got to hand it
to Bazooka Joe.
536
00:30:59,101 --> 00:31:01,568
Old lady's there
getting gussied up for her group.
537
00:31:01,728 --> 00:31:05,524
Brill and the missus are costars
in our own private one-act play.
538
00:31:05,690 --> 00:31:06,818
Lot of self-control.
539
00:31:06,984 --> 00:31:08,656
I wish we hadn't taken this case.
540
00:31:08,818 --> 00:31:11,073
You're the one that wanted
to help Bazooka Joe.
541
00:31:11,238 --> 00:31:12,828
I did. I do...
542
00:31:12,989 --> 00:31:14,792
...but doing this
gives me the creeps.
543
00:31:15,743 --> 00:31:17,499
Well, at least it ain't the willies.
544
00:31:17,661 --> 00:31:19,915
You're never right
after a case of the willies.
545
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,628
At least we realise how superficial
everything is. Skin deep.
546
00:31:23,792 --> 00:31:25,050
This is Los Angeles.
547
00:31:27,922 --> 00:31:29,428
David.
548
00:31:31,217 --> 00:31:34,431
Well, she's certainly got the Speckle
in all the right places.
549
00:31:34,596 --> 00:31:37,229
I didn't know they made legs
like that anymore.
550
00:32:06,962 --> 00:32:11,388
David, what if I didn't look like me
and you didn't look like you?
551
00:32:11,551 --> 00:32:13,602
Have to wear carnations
to spot each other.
552
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,143
No, when I first walked into your office,
what did you think?
553
00:32:17,307 --> 00:32:20,735
You were high-strung,
overdressed, over-bred.
554
00:32:20,893 --> 00:32:22,566
Had a hairdo from another century.
555
00:32:22,729 --> 00:32:24,484
The most drop dead gorgeous
broad...
556
00:32:24,646 --> 00:32:26,487
...I'd ever seen in my real life.
557
00:32:26,650 --> 00:32:29,449
I knew there was a compliment
somewhere in there.
558
00:32:29,611 --> 00:32:33,407
But the point is, what if I weighed twice
as much and was half as tall?
559
00:32:33,573 --> 00:32:35,495
Probably mistake you
for a filing cabinet.
560
00:32:35,659 --> 00:32:37,414
We're sneaking after this bombshell.
561
00:32:37,578 --> 00:32:41,290
She's sneaking out on her husband
because she doesn't like his looks.
562
00:32:41,456 --> 00:32:44,920
I'd say that adequately
summarised the plot thus far, yes.
563
00:32:45,086 --> 00:32:48,632
If I wasn't a finalist in a pageant,
you wouldn't give me the time of day.
564
00:32:48,797 --> 00:32:51,016
I can't help liking
what I wake up next to.
565
00:32:51,174 --> 00:32:53,761
A reason which has nothing to do
with a person's soul.
566
00:32:53,928 --> 00:32:57,274
Notice how it's always rich people
who tell you money doesn't matter?
567
00:32:57,431 --> 00:32:58,819
I've seen your boyfriends.
568
00:32:58,974 --> 00:33:02,321
It ain't like the spaceman's
ever gonna be confused with a horse.
569
00:33:02,479 --> 00:33:04,649
-Neither are you.
-I rest my case.
570
00:33:04,814 --> 00:33:07,115
But I don't need to look like this.
571
00:33:07,274 --> 00:33:08,828
I mean, I like to think...
572
00:33:08,984 --> 00:33:12,663
...that because I know who I am inside,
it wouldn't matter how I look.
573
00:33:12,822 --> 00:33:14,163
I don't think you'd like...
574
00:33:14,324 --> 00:33:16,660
...walking around with your organs
on the outside.
575
00:33:16,826 --> 00:33:19,710
What'd you do if you didn't have
that mug to hide behind?
576
00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:23,218
Probably rifle the drawers
of this blond filing cabinet I know.
577
00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:48,694
Let's give her a minute to slip out
of that mini and into a paper gown.
578
00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,629
-Could you not grab--
-David.
579
00:34:04,794 --> 00:34:06,383
Sorry.
580
00:35:03,478 --> 00:35:05,650
Oh, my God.
581
00:35:06,274 --> 00:35:07,615
-Maddie.
-What?
582
00:35:07,775 --> 00:35:09,946
You think he's okay?
583
00:35:16,325 --> 00:35:18,295
For the family album.
584
00:35:22,164 --> 00:35:25,013
-Hey.
-I don't think so, David.
585
00:35:25,168 --> 00:35:26,924
Yeah, hold this.
586
00:35:27,921 --> 00:35:29,511
Frosty.
587
00:35:29,672 --> 00:35:31,262
What are you doing?
588
00:35:34,553 --> 00:35:36,972
Me and the missus
just came down from Bakersfield.
589
00:35:37,139 --> 00:35:39,856
We heard tell there's a human
pincushion in these parts.
590
00:35:40,017 --> 00:35:41,690
We come to the right place,
Mildred.
591
00:35:41,852 --> 00:35:42,896
Who are you?
592
00:35:43,062 --> 00:35:45,149
We're detectives
hired by your husband.
593
00:35:48,358 --> 00:35:51,705
A lot of anger for one so petite.
594
00:35:51,863 --> 00:35:54,449
He ruined my husband's life,
my marriage...
595
00:35:54,615 --> 00:35:56,667
...but I fell in love with Simon
anyway.
596
00:35:56,826 --> 00:35:59,875
You have any idea how that made
me feel? Betraying my husband...
597
00:36:00,038 --> 00:36:01,877
-...for the man who butchered him?
-Bad?
598
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,083
I hated myself.
599
00:36:04,917 --> 00:36:06,969
I couldn't help it.
600
00:36:09,714 --> 00:36:13,427
Simon made me feel like
the most beautiful woman in the world.
601
00:36:13,593 --> 00:36:15,563
Odd way of showing your gratitude.
602
00:36:16,721 --> 00:36:18,312
I saw him this afternoon.
603
00:36:18,474 --> 00:36:21,024
He said it was over,
that he'd found someone else.
604
00:36:21,184 --> 00:36:22,656
Someone younger.
605
00:36:22,811 --> 00:36:24,733
Barely 20.
606
00:36:25,271 --> 00:36:27,907
Said her skin would be easier
to work with.
607
00:36:28,067 --> 00:36:30,154
That she'd be his greatest creation.
608
00:36:30,694 --> 00:36:34,622
I found him sleeping.
I didn't want him to wake up.
609
00:36:35,492 --> 00:36:38,505
Since I'm going to be spending
the rest of my life in prison...
610
00:36:38,661 --> 00:36:40,547
...I'll put these scalpels
to good use.
611
00:36:40,705 --> 00:36:42,176
Hold it, Mrs. Hunziger.
612
00:36:42,330 --> 00:36:45,215
He's already cold
and you just got here.
613
00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:47,179
You didn't kill him.
614
00:36:48,796 --> 00:36:50,350
Damn.
615
00:37:06,148 --> 00:37:08,069
-You could have hurt somebody.
-Sorry.
616
00:37:08,232 --> 00:37:11,033
I had to straight shot
down the corridor into the office.
617
00:37:11,195 --> 00:37:15,074
I didn't know anybody was in there,
except for the doctor.
618
00:37:17,033 --> 00:37:19,122
-He's dead.
-Dead?
619
00:37:19,287 --> 00:37:23,213
Yeah. I got him right in that little
caraway seed he calls a heart.
620
00:37:23,374 --> 00:37:25,675
Hey, listen,
we can make it look like a robbery.
621
00:37:25,834 --> 00:37:28,884
We can make it look like someone
was after pills or syringes.
622
00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:30,090
What do you think?
623
00:37:31,841 --> 00:37:33,810
Hi, Maddie.
624
00:37:34,928 --> 00:37:37,645
This is Nurse Saundra.
The girl I was telling you about.
625
00:37:37,805 --> 00:37:39,977
I'm sure the pleasure's all David's.
626
00:37:41,143 --> 00:37:42,981
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news...
627
00:37:43,144 --> 00:37:45,862
...but somebody already got
to your boss.
628
00:37:46,023 --> 00:37:48,952
-Dead?
-Really dead.
629
00:37:49,109 --> 00:37:51,196
-Not of this Earth.
-Damn.
630
00:37:51,361 --> 00:37:53,531
Look, more scalpels.
631
00:37:53,697 --> 00:37:55,500
-You killed him.
-Wait a minute.
632
00:37:55,658 --> 00:37:58,042
-You killed him.
-Take it easy. She didn't do it.
633
00:37:58,202 --> 00:38:00,622
Well, somebody had to have done it.
634
00:38:28,608 --> 00:38:30,530
I'm sorry.
635
00:38:30,695 --> 00:38:32,247
I was looking for Brill.
636
00:38:32,904 --> 00:38:33,997
I've seen this movie.
637
00:38:34,156 --> 00:38:36,540
All right, Bazooka Joe,
put down the land shark.
638
00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:38,338
Stay where you are.
639
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:44,178
Miss Hayes, I'd like to thank you
for bringing me to my senses.
640
00:38:44,333 --> 00:38:45,673
Great move, Goldilocks.
641
00:38:45,834 --> 00:38:49,797
You made me reevaluate
my rather limited notion of justice.
642
00:38:49,964 --> 00:38:51,007
But, Mr. Hunziger--
643
00:38:51,173 --> 00:38:56,312
Justice would be served
by my being the judge and the jury.
644
00:38:56,471 --> 00:38:57,728
Hey, you don't understand.
645
00:38:57,889 --> 00:39:01,353
No court on Earth would convict me
of 1st degree murder.
646
00:39:01,518 --> 00:39:05,065
And since I'm already virtually
a recluse in my own home--
647
00:39:05,230 --> 00:39:06,322
He's already dead.
648
00:39:06,482 --> 00:39:07,904
A short stint in jail...
649
00:39:08,066 --> 00:39:13,915
...would be more than worthwhile
to see Brill stacked like cordwood.
650
00:39:14,073 --> 00:39:16,078
-Speaking of the doctor--
-He's dead.
651
00:39:16,241 --> 00:39:18,329
-What?
-He's dead.
652
00:39:20,745 --> 00:39:22,336
Rats.
653
00:39:23,832 --> 00:39:27,379
Who deprived me of my last pleasure
on Earth?
654
00:39:34,260 --> 00:39:36,431
Wait a minute.
655
00:39:46,439 --> 00:39:49,121
Kooky, you didn't kill Dr. Brill,
did you?
656
00:39:51,779 --> 00:39:54,459
-Oh, no.
-The butler did it?
657
00:39:54,614 --> 00:39:56,168
The butler did it?
658
00:39:59,328 --> 00:40:03,207
That man in there
ruined the only face...
659
00:40:03,373 --> 00:40:06,553
...that ever looked up at me
and smiled...
660
00:40:06,710 --> 00:40:08,182
...and really meant it.
661
00:40:09,464 --> 00:40:11,515
I loved that face.
662
00:40:15,970 --> 00:40:18,058
Come on out of the closet, Kooky.
663
00:40:27,649 --> 00:40:28,692
Hey.
664
00:40:28,859 --> 00:40:29,985
Let him go.
665
00:40:31,486 --> 00:40:34,619
-I'm afraid we can't do that.
-I'm afraid you'll have to.
666
00:40:36,908 --> 00:40:37,952
Here, hold this.
667
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:48,963
Wait.
668
00:40:50,463 --> 00:40:54,142
Watch it, chop-top.
Get rid of that thing, will you?
669
00:40:58,305 --> 00:41:01,355
Oh, Kooky.
670
00:41:10,902 --> 00:41:12,622
Go ahead.
671
00:41:21,329 --> 00:41:23,749
Real face place.
672
00:41:29,672 --> 00:41:32,934
Kooky.
673
00:41:33,758 --> 00:41:36,856
Come out, come out
wherever you are.
674
00:41:39,807 --> 00:41:41,729
See anything you like?
675
00:41:44,019 --> 00:41:46,819
David, why would anybody
wanna pick a nose like that?
676
00:41:53,697 --> 00:41:55,369
Not anatomically correct!
677
00:42:14,384 --> 00:42:16,104
D-cup!
678
00:42:19,722 --> 00:42:21,728
Are you okay?
679
00:42:23,436 --> 00:42:25,571
Oh, get down. Oh, look out.
680
00:42:27,106 --> 00:42:28,993
Think we got him?
681
00:42:29,651 --> 00:42:30,944
I think not.
682
00:42:31,110 --> 00:42:33,080
Get his attention.
I'll sneak behind him.
683
00:42:33,238 --> 00:42:35,373
-How am I gonna do that?
-Like this.
684
00:42:41,121 --> 00:42:44,335
One, two, three.
685
00:42:57,471 --> 00:42:58,978
Liposuction!
686
00:43:18,409 --> 00:43:20,414
You could lose 170 pounds fast.
687
00:43:20,578 --> 00:43:23,509
No, thanks, Kooky,
diet and exercise. That's the key.
688
00:43:23,665 --> 00:43:25,219
Diet and exercise.
689
00:43:25,374 --> 00:43:26,763
Don't call me Kooky.
690
00:43:31,674 --> 00:43:34,058
Think thin, Addison.
691
00:43:46,688 --> 00:43:48,611
Nice work, circus girl.
692
00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:52,364
Let me tell you about love, Kooky.
693
00:43:52,528 --> 00:43:53,821
It's all the same.
694
00:43:53,988 --> 00:43:56,870
Natural, unnatural,
no matter how bizarre.
695
00:43:57,032 --> 00:43:58,539
It's all the same.
696
00:43:58,701 --> 00:44:00,671
It doesn't matter
what's on the outside.
697
00:44:00,828 --> 00:44:02,252
It's right here, you see?
698
00:44:02,413 --> 00:44:07,587
What's on the inside.
Trust, compassion, the soul.
699
00:44:07,752 --> 00:44:09,508
That's what it's all about.
700
00:44:09,670 --> 00:44:11,557
Being there
for that special someone.
701
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:14,845
Am I right, Maddie?
702
00:44:16,470 --> 00:44:17,644
Yes, David.
703
00:44:18,430 --> 00:44:20,435
I knew I was right.
704
00:44:26,230 --> 00:44:28,365
All right, move it.
705
00:44:31,693 --> 00:44:33,331
Call me.
706
00:44:34,864 --> 00:44:38,625
You'll enjoy prison. Lots of discipline,
get to wear uniform.
707
00:44:38,784 --> 00:44:42,462
I'm glad this cases is over. All those
weirdoes give me the heebie-jeebs.
708
00:44:42,622 --> 00:44:44,093
Saundra gave me her number.
709
00:44:44,249 --> 00:44:45,921
You mean you're not gonna call her?
710
00:44:46,334 --> 00:44:48,385
I don't think so.
711
00:44:48,544 --> 00:44:51,475
She certainly was one keen
polystyrene dream though.
712
00:44:53,007 --> 00:44:56,021
I can't see going out with somebody
that wasn't biodegradable.
713
00:44:56,177 --> 00:44:57,435
My, my: my'
714
00:44:57,595 --> 00:45:00,561
Even David Addison has
to get standards sooner or later.
715
00:45:00,724 --> 00:45:03,737
Well, I'm older, wiser.
716
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:08,023
It's not too late to go out
for some Pink's Hot Dogs.
717
00:45:08,191 --> 00:45:09,697
What do you say?
718
00:45:10,442 --> 00:45:12,661
Can I take a rain cheque?
719
00:45:13,195 --> 00:45:14,666
This is beauty night.
720
00:45:14,822 --> 00:45:17,954
Nails to paint, hair to condition,
iron to pump.
721
00:45:18,117 --> 00:45:20,418
Girl's gotta take care
of what she' s got.
722
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:23,539
-What you got looks pretty good.
-Oh, David.
723
00:45:23,706 --> 00:45:25,711
You really think so
after all these years?
724
00:45:25,874 --> 00:45:27,844
Drop dead gorgeous.
725
00:45:28,836 --> 00:45:32,549
And not just on the outside,
in here.
726
00:45:39,597 --> 00:45:41,898
Did you know that 90 percent
of the accidents...
727
00:45:42,058 --> 00:45:44,858
...that happen in the home,
happen while you're naked?
728
00:45:45,020 --> 00:45:46,776
-Really?
-Yeah.
729
00:45:46,939 --> 00:45:49,619
Household safety, Maddie.
You need somebody to spot you.
730
00:45:49,774 --> 00:45:52,623
-In the shower?
-Well, one can never be too cautious.
731
00:45:52,778 --> 00:45:55,246
And in case you need somebody
to wash your back ....
732
00:45:55,405 --> 00:45:56,747
David.
733
00:45:56,907 --> 00:45:59,541
I won't look, I promise.
58385
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