All language subtitles for 59312ca89968134830c61df1214a6c07b989dcccb8318485d0b9473c56504f067ba45deb9913b3b11d025bfc2eaab428a02beb18d3ab2b2e376716f9b380

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Our solar system
is composed of nine planets,

31 moons,
thousands of minor planets,

scores of comets and
millions of meteors.

Each of these heavenly bodies
moves in its orbit,

quietly, majestically,
without incident.

This is the planet Earth.

Its occupants also
move in a daily orbit,

but unlike nature, their
course is not quite so regular,

SO quiet, so majestic.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(YELPS)

Well!
I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.
Are you all right?

You might watch
where you're walking.

Absolutely stupid of me.
Please forgive me.

Uh, send me a bill for... For
the cleaning of the dress, huh?

Uh, can I get you a cab?
No.

Are you sure you're all right?

I will be just fine.
Never mind.

But...

It's a good thing
I wasn't bending over,

fixing a run in my stocking,
ain't it?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Officer.
My eyes were on that girl.

Well, just screw 'em back in
your head and keep moving.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(BARKS)
(SCREAMS)

Hey!

That wasn't very nice.

And how come you got
such a slob for a roommate?

Just look at this place. Yes.

(WHIMPERS)

(SIGHS)

Clara? Joan Howell.

Any calls?

Oh? Tomorrow night?
Auditioning for what?

Japanese governess?

Oh, well. I've had sukiyaki
once. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

(DOG PANTING)

(SIGHS)

(WHINES)

(IN HEAVY JAPANESE ACCENT)
Honorable master,

please forgive unworthy
governess for unhappy news.

Honorable son refuse
depart television...

For honorable bath.

(WHINES)

(SCOFFS)
Everybody's a critic.

Morning.

Hello, Honey.

Good morning, Mr. Milford.
Mr. Granson has been looking for you.

I'm thrilled.

And a Miss Stevens
has been calling.

Do me a favor and ring
my apartment, will ya?

Miss Stevens was wondering
if you'd found a contact lens.

In your bedroom.

Well, don't look at me that way.

I mean, I can't help it if Miss Stevens
happens to have long eyeballs.

Hello. Mr. Milford here.
I was... What's that?

(IN HEAVY JAPANESE ACCENT)
I say hello, Mr. Mifor-san.

Uh, yeah. Listen. I forgot to take
the dog for a walk this morning.

Would you be so kind as to
take him around the block for me?

Uh, once should be enough.

My pleasure,
Mr. Mifor-san. Goodbye.

(IN HEAVY JAPANESE ACCENT)
Thank you very much, Miss Honey.

Morning, Harve.

Boy, we sure missed you at
the party last night. It was a beauty.

Yeah. I didn't finish with my
wife's lawyers till after midnight.

You mean you and Leona
still can't agree on a settlement?

Oh, yeah. She wants to split everything
down the middle, including my head.

Well, she can't split what
she can't find, can she?

Now, I'm not proud
of that maneuver.

I'm an honest man,

and here I am hiding
my art collection with you,

my boat's in my
brother's dock in Florida,

my securities are
in a bank in Geneva.

I've got more
locations than the A&P.

Well, you're the guy
that wanted to get married.

I told you, take up something like
parachute jumping or alligator wrestling.

All right, all right.

Look, I'm due out in Los
Angeles on that movie deal.

You know, the one where we're
gonna novelize their features.

Mmm-hmm.

I'd like you to go
out there for me.

Figure on about 10 days.
Sure.

Here's some
correspondence and contracts.

I'll talk to you about it in the
morning before you take off.

In the morning?

Yeah, in the morning.

What's the...
What's the problem?

Well, that's... That's rushing
things a little bit, don't you think?

Uh, I mean, uh, I gotta pack.

I gotta get the dog
to the kennel.

Besides, I was planning
a wingding tonight.

You wingdinged last night.

Well, you see,
this is the anniversary

of the unveiling of
the Statue of Liberty,

78 years ago today.

I, uh, can't let it pass
without observing it.

Mmm-hmm. You never let
anything pass unobserved.

Last week you celebrated Chinese
New Year, and Ruby Foo you are not.

Harve, all men are my brothers,

and we are all part of that great
fraternity known as mankind.

And whatever rejoices
my neighbor rejoices me.

Oh, please.
I just had my breakfast.

My place, 9:00 tonight?

What's on the stove?

Statue of Liberty.

Crazy.

I knew you were patriotic.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Okay. I'm comin'.

Good morning,
Mr. Milford.

Good morning, Scruggs.

Hi there, Spike.

Listen. I've got to go...

I say, I've got to
go away for 10 days.

So make sure that
he gets no horsemeat, huh?

We know Spike.
Strictly beef and kibble.

Have a good trip, sir.
Thank you.

Come on, Spike.

(GRUNTS)

Good boy.

Poor maid.

What a terrible thing to do
to a nice, old Japanese lady.

(ALARM RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

LUTHER: I heard you!
I heard you!

(RINGING STOPS)

You know, we ought to invest in

an alarm clock
one of these days.

Why blow three bucks
when he gets up when we do?

"Cause I think when
a girl reaches maturity,

she should surround herself
with certain niceties,

like her own alarm clock.

Bring one more
thing into this room,

and we'll have to
knock out a wall.

(LUTHER GARGLING)

(SIGHS) Hark. The sound
of the thrush awakes me.

Mine eyes open to
the splendor of my abode.

(LUTHER COUGHS AND SPITS)
Yuck.

(SIGHS)

If the wheels on
these beds ever jam,

we're trapped here for life.

(GROANS)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

LUTHER: (SINGING) I dream
of Jeanie with the light brown hair

A case of laryngitis.

Is that too much to ask for?

Borne like a vapor

On the summer air

I see her tripping where
the bright streams play

Turn it off a minute, will ya?

Luther, I said turn it off!

LUTHER: Okay, okay, okay!
I heard ya. I heard ya.

"I heard ya. I heard ya."
Harvard man.

Magna cum loudmouth.

Okay, okay, okay!
Take it away!

Ah, what a glorious morning.

The hyacinths will be
plentiful this summer.

Did you tell
Flaccus the gardener

to turn the soil and nourish
those dear little roots?

I'll tell him when he
comes up for the garbage.

And what are you having
with your coffee, dear Duchess?

Fruitcake,
like I have every morning.

Look. Can I get you down
off the chandelier for a minute?

Okay. What is it?

How's about moving out
of this trap?

Where?

We'll take a day off
and we'll look.

I can't. I've got
an extra apartment to clean.

I got two extra apartments to
clean, but this is more important.

Really, doesn't this
trap ever get you down?

No, I don't really
ever think about it.

Nor do I think about
having to work as a maid.

We're trying to stake our way
into show business.

So the only important thing
right now is to save a buck.

But doesn't it
bother you what guys

must think when
they take you home?

I never met one that
I was that interested in.

Talk to a wall.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yeah.

It's me, Luther.

I smelled the coffee
through the walls.

What walls?

Sorry about the alarm clock.
I never hear it.

All I hear are
your shoes banging.

Mind if I have a cup of coffee?

Help yourself.

Oh, before I forget,

cannot make
the rehearsal tonight.

Gotta talk to a guy about a job.

Oh, congratulations.

It's an offer for the
summer. A barn.

Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh, that's great. Grab it.
It's good experience.

All the big stars are doing it.

No, no. This guy is a farmer.
He wants me to work in his barn.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Ah, Prince Nicholas.

I am glad that you're
back from the Crimea.

Where the heck is the Crimea?

You pass it on the way
to Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh!

(GASPS)

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Gee,
please forgive me. Are you all right?

Well, you ought to watch
where you put that thing, lady.

I know. It's absolutely stupid
of me, but, gee, I am sorry.

A guy could break
every single bone in his...

Oh. Well, hello.
Hello.

You're the same girl
that was here yesterday.

Are you sure you're not hurt?

Who, me?
No, not a scratch.

Not a scratch.

Funny. Uh, two days
in a row.

Maybe we could get the Red Cross

to declare this
corner a disaster area.

Uh, as long as we've bumped...

Uh, that girl...
She, uh, just took off.

What did you expect?
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

(IN HEAVY JAPANESE ACCENT)
Good riddance to honorable drunk

and lady chaser.

May the great bird of passage
deliver honorable master to California

with happy wind in tail.

(SIGHS)

I was looking forward
to that trip to California.

Are you sure
Dunhill beat us out?

Well, Dunhill
called me himself. Hmm.

Had a good three-minute gloat.

If I hadn't been so involved
with Leona's divorce,

I would have been out in LA a week
ago and had the deal in my pocket.

You know, Harve, I hate
to see you so hacked up.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Marry Leona.
Get me off the alimony hook.

That good a friend I'm not.

I'll give you three of my Pirraux
paintings in your apartment.

How much are they worth?

$25,000 apiece.

I have to take Leona?
Yeah.

Forget it.

Fair-weather friend.

Oh, well. Another
audition down the drain.

Hey, anybody want to share
a cab to the village?

No, thanks.
I'm being picked up.

I gotta wait for my boyfriend.

Vickie and I are
stopping for coffee.

Okay.

You know, um,

I thought you had
the best dialect tonight.

Sorry you didn't get the part.

Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry
you didn't get the part, Hatacki.

I mean, after all,
you are Japanese.

Taxi!

Um, if you have the best talent

and I have the best face, well,

what has she got?

As soon as you walked on...

You were sensational!

Wasn't she just great?

The part!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Washington Square.

(CROWD MURMURING)

MAN 1: If you want
to commit suicide,

why don't you jump off a bridge?

MAN 2: What's
the matter with you, Mac?

See this nut hit me?

Don't be a wise guy.

(MURMURING CONTINUES)

(LAUGHING)

You know, I get
the funniest feeling

that somebody's trying
to tell us something.

Well, I hope we find out what
it is before we kill each other.

Hey, I got a thought.

Why don't we duck into that bar

and see if we can't
decipher the message?

All right.

MAN 1: Don't you know signals?
I had my arm up.

Here, fellas. This ought to
straighten out the whole beef.

If a cop don't show up.

(CHUCKLES)

Here.

(MUTTERS)

(SIGHS) What'll it be?

Uh, ooh, something light. Uh,
quinine water with just a drop of gin.

Vodka martini for me, please.

You know, we're gonna have to
come up with some sort of a system,

because now it's
a matter of survival.

Well, why don't we check
itineraries each morning

so that we can avoid each other?

Well, I... I want to continue to
meet you, but not head-on, you see.

Well, I'll tell you.
Let's divide the town in half.

You take the north,
and I'll take the south,

and we can talk
across the border.

Well, before we get to strategy,

I think a few vital
statistics are in order.

Now, you said your name was
Joan, and I assume you're a model.

Mmm-mmm.
What makes you assume that?

Well, that hatbox
is a dead giveaway.

Wrong.
Actress?

Well, I'm studying to be, but
that's not what I do for a living.

Well, what do you do
for a living?

(CHUCKLES)
Uh, that's my secret.

Bet I can guess it.

Well, there's really no trick
to it if you try long enough.

Ten questions.

Okay, but, you know, even if
you do guess it, I might not tell you.

Bartender, let me have
some swizzle sticks, please.

Mmm. No, I'd like 10 of them.
We're gonna play a game.

Thank you.

Uh, could I avail
myself of your services”??

Mmm, yes.

Uh-huh. Is there any special
training required for what you do?

Oh, very little.

Well, uh, could what you
do be done in a... In an office?

Mmm-hmm.

An apartment?
Mostly.

No. No.

Are your clients
exclusively male?

Yes.
I see.

Uh, is a telephone
essential in your work?

JOAN: Uh-huh.
Very essential.

Would what you do bring extra
comfort and happiness to me?

JOAN: Well,
I'd like to think it would.

Are you in
business for yourself?

Oh, no. No, no.
I'm with an organized group.

Uh, you know, you only
have two questions left.

Well, is there any risk
involved in what you do?

Oh, my goodness, yes.
Well, do you know that

last week a girl
fell off the fireplace?

And you won't believe what
happened to me not long ago.

The sofa caught fire. Well, do
you know that I just got a broom,

beat it out, and I went on as
though nothing had happened.

Wow.

Well, one last
question. Um... Okay.

Do your clients
have to be present

in order to avail
themselves of your services?

No.
Whew.

Well, that's a relief.

Well, what do you mean by that?

Nothing.
Nothing at all. Forget it.

I'm sure whatever you do
you do very, very well.

Ooh, my goodness. It's
getting late. I've gotta be going.

Well, I'll have you home
in no time. Check, please.

Oh, oh.
Please don't bother.

You know,
it's really quite a ways.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

By the way, I wish you a lot
of luck on your acting career.

You know, it's a very
difficult business.

(CHUCKLES) Don't I know.

The last job I had was in a patriotic
pageant. It was six months ago.

Well, I performed
before 14,000 men

at a convention
in Atlantic City.

I even got nine curtain calls.

Wow.

Wow.

Hey, Charlie. You ever been to one
of them conventions in Atlantic City?

Nope. You know, I think
we're missing something.

Well, it's quite late,
and, really,

I feel guilty about
taking you out of your way.

Well, how do you
know what my way is?

We might live right
next door to each other.

After all, I have seen you
up around 62nd Street.

Say, taxi!

(WHISTLES)
(ENGINE STARTS)

Where to, folks?

62nd Street.

What did I tell ya?

So this cop kind of
looks at me nasty-like,

and he says,
"It's a good thing I wasn't

"pending down fixing
a run in my stocking."

Broke me up, I tell ya.

Which house, lady?

Oh. Uh, the one right over
there by the fire hydrant.

Okay.

You live here?
Yes.

And I want to thank you
for a very lovely evening.

Good night.

Don't go away.

Uh... (CHUCKLES) You don't
have to take me to the door. Really.

But I want to.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)
Well, good night again.

Tom, please don't bother.

I insist on walking you
to your door.

But... But it's silly for you
to climb all those stairs.

But I want to.
Believe me, I want to.

Oh.

Well, good night again.

Uh, may I ask how
long you've lived here?

Oh, just a very short while.

Good night.

Uh, yes, Tom?

We never did get to,
uh, last names.

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

No, uh, so we didn't, did we?

(STAMMERS) Uh, Milford.

Joan Milford.

I'm baffled.

What did you say?

Uh, Baffle. Tom Baffle.

Like confused?

Very.

Oh.

Good night.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

(STAMMERS) It's you. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, I hate to leave dirty
milk bottles in the hallway.

(CHUCKLES)

By the way, I was wondering,
could I take you out tomorrow night?

Oh, I'd... I'd love
to meet you some place.

Well, I think this place is most
convenient for me. How about 8:007?

Well, I don't expect to be...

Tomorrow night at 8:00.

Good night.

Again.

Again. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

Where next?

I don't know.

Don't you want to go home?

I am home.

What do you want me to do?
Drive you up the steps?

58th Street Towers.

But where did she get a key?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Call the police, Tom.
She's after the paintings.

I'll be personally
responsible for the paintings.

Somebody just stole your
apartment and your name,

and you're gonna be responsible
for my... Call the police.

I will not call the police because I'm
not convinced that this girl is a thief.

Now, I've gotta find out for
myself just what's going on.

And while you're trying to find
out, where do you expect to live?

Harvey. Harvey,
what are friends for?

I mean, when you needed
a home for your paintings,

why, who did you come to?

Hmm.

I hope you don't mind
if I don't make it up for you.

That's all right.

Say, uh, do you have
an extra key? Hmm?

An extra key.

Over my dead body.

Harvey, are we bosom pals?
I mean, bosom pals.

Yeah, bosom, yes.
Key, no.

Do you realize what would
happen if I did call the police?

Why, the paintings would become
a matter of public information

and community property.

Now, either you give
me the key, or, uh,

I'll have to call the police.

You bring one little
bunny up to this place,

I'll have you both
arrested for trespassing.

Me?
Yeah.

Who are you calling?

I'm gonna call my place, because I
cannot believe what has happened.

Hey, do you think I had
some sort of a lapse?

(MUTTERS)

(BUSY SIGNAL)

The line's busy.

Why, of course it's busy.
She's probably calling the truck.

Come and get it!

Goldilocks. I feel just like Goldilocks
sleeping in Papa Bear's bed.

What?

Oh, relax.
Milford's in California.

And, well, I just couldn't
let Baffle see where we live.

Look. I got no time to horse
around. The sink is stopped up,

the fuse blew in the bathroom,
and we got ants in the refrigerator.

Now you get out of that bed
and you come right home.

But I'm stuck here.
And besides,

we have another
date tomorrow night.

Oh, be a good kid, Audrey,
and bring my white dress

and my cold cream
and toothbrush, huh?

You get home this very minute,
or I'll come over and get you.

You can't just move into somebody's
apartment without permission.

It's forcible entry.
It's trespassing.

It's a criminal offense,
punishable by law.

He's in California, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

(SIGHING)

Where am I?

Oh.

Oh. All right. Come on.
Goldilocks, get up. It's morning.

Come on. Up, up, up. Up.

I heard ya.
I heard ya. I heard ya.

(SIGHS)

Hey, this is the life.

Why don't you go
in and tub first

while I just wallow
in this ecstasy, huh?

Hey, Joan,
let's not get carried away.

You know, we are trespassing.
We could get arrested.

You worry too much.
I do, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Suppose Milford made
a sudden return to New York.

Suppose he walked
into this room right now.

Would you want to be
found here like this?

I should say not. I'm gonna go
bathe and then put some makeup on.

AUDREY: Leave me some
of that hot water, will ya?

(FAUCET SQUEAKS)

I heard ya. I heard ya.

Did you ever meet
this Milford guy?

Uh-uh. I only
sweep up the remains.

Any idea what his racket is?

Well, I'd say he
books talent for orgies.

I got news for ya.

He's a jockey.

A what?

A jockey.

I found this in the night table.

"Ginny Frazell.
Chestnut hair. Spirited.

"Good legs. Slow starter,
but great in stretch.

"Murray Hill, 37599."

If he ain't a jockey,
he sure loves horses.

(SCOFFS) He'll love anything.
I clean up this stable. I know.

Here. Read this one.

"Agnes Whitby.
Good disposition.

"Affectionate.
Slightly nervous.

"Needs two or three outings."

I guess if he likes you, he shoves
a piece of sugar in your mouth.

Oh. Oh, "Flo Whitby.
Mother of Agnes.

"Superb track record. Breaks
fast, always there at the finish."

So what's a swinging jockey like
him doing with a bottle of bubble bath?

Maybe his mother
visits him once in a while.

Or Agnes' mother.

Do you think it'd be all right
if we stayed again tonight?

AUDREY: I've got enough apartments
to clean without adding a new one.

Just one more night.

I mean, how can you give up
that wonderful bathtub?

Suppose he asks you
for a date tomorrow night?

And the next night,
and the next?

(SIGHS) Yeah, that's true.

I can't wear the same
dress each time, can 1?

Now wait a second.

Your stuff's on the left.
Mine's on the right.

It's a pretty tight squeeze.

What about the other closet?

Oh, it's loaded.

He's got fishing rods, diving
equipment, a bowling ball.

There's even a saddle in there.

Hey, maybe
he really is a jockey.

Call Agnes.
See if she whinnies.

Ew. It's 8:00.
I'd better get a move on.

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let Baffle
into this apartment.

It's about as feminine
as a wrestler's locker room.

A guy takes a girl
out for a big evening.

Now how can I tell him
to wait in the hall?

I'll tell you how.

You say, "Wait in the hall."
That's how.

Oh, now you're a big help.

Well, next time some Joe takes
you out, you have to do like I do.

I tell them
I live in Connecticut.

Then they take me to Grand Central
Station, and I duck into the subway.

So what happens when they
insist on putting you on the train?

So once in a while
I spend a night in New Haven.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let him in.

What if he insists
when we come back?

So I'll move the sofa
out into the hallway.

Ooh, thanks a lot.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Coming!

Now remember what I said.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hi, Tom.

Uh, I'm kind of early.
You mind if I come in?

The place is such a mess.
You see, I'm having maid trouble.

Yeah. We can't get 'em
out of the bathtub.

Quinine water and a drop of gin.

Vodka martini.

Charlie.

Charlie.

There's that little swinger
I was telling you about.

The cute little kid?

You've been in that
domestic vodka again.

Now take these over
and lay an ear on 'em.

You'll hear talk that'll singe
the fuzz right out of your navel.

You know, Joan, I admire you.

I mean, you are a rarity.

Oh?

Well... Thank you.

With everybody crying about
the immorality of the times, uh,

here you are, a little puritan,

in the middle of this great,
big, evil city.

Won't allow a man
into her apartment.

JOAN: (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Well, I told you,

my housekeeper didn't show up.

Now you know that's not so. You're
just being respectable and proper.

And I commend you for it.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
a girl should be careful.

I mean, just recently a
fellow took me out to dinner,

and then to a show,

and then really got
terribly upset with me

because I wouldn't let him
kiss me good night.

TOM: Well,
you stay old-fashioned.

And as far as my interest in
your apartment is concerned,

why, it's,
uh, purely professional.

Professional?

Mmm-hmm.
You see, I'm interested

in the things that
people live with.

Furnishings,
accessories, uh, paintings.

Paintings? Well, I certainly
don't have any of those.

You don't?
(CHUCKLES) No.

Not unless you
can call something

that looks like a two-headed man

with a three-legged chicken
standing on one of them paintings.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Well, that
sounds very impressionistic,

uh, somebody like
Jacques Pirraux.

Now they could be very
valuable, so if I were you,

I would take very
good care of them.

Well, is that your business?
Paintings?

Not exactly. I...
I'm an interior decorator.

(JOAN CHUCKLES)

You? An interior decorator?

Well, why not?
I mean, is it so strange

that I enjoy chintzes and frilly
gingerbready knickknacks?

(CHUCKLES) Well, no.

No.

It's just that I never
thought of you in that way.

Anyone ever tell you
you don't hear so good?

She's a Girl Scout, and
he's an interior decorator.

That's an interior decorator?

Not only don't you hear
good, you don't see good.

I think it's so
exciting what you do.

Well, you know, the sight of an
old Flemish tapestry in muted tones,

or a Louis XV credenza...

Why, they do things to me
that nothing else can do.

Oh, I love pretty things.

But, you know, now that I know
you're an interior decorator,

I certainly can't
take you to see my place.

But I'd love to
visit your apartment.

My apartment?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, why mine?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, the answer should be
quite obvious, shouldn't it?

The fact of the matter is, uh,
my place is quite disorganized.

Uh, I've been
having maid trouble, too.

Well, I tell you what.

You take me to your apartment,
and I'll show you

what I can do
with a vacuum cleaner.

Thank you.

Good night.
Oh, night.

You know something, Charlie?

You're stupid.

Oh! It's very lovely.

Just not what I expected
in a decorator's apartment.

Uh, well, tell me more
about your apartment.

(CHUCKLES)
It's really quite ugly.

What do you find
so ugly about it?

Well, those ridiculous
paintings, of course.

I'd like to toss them out.

You didn't.

No, but I'm thinking about it.

Uh, let me freshen that up, huh?

Yeah, it's warm in here.

Well, I can, uh...
I can open the door for you.

There. Little fresh air.
That's better.

Uh, how long did you say
you lived in your place?

Oh, just a short while.

Uh-huh.

There's something very
familiar about that address.

Yeah, in fact, I think I went
to a party there one time.

Now I can't recall
the guy's name, but, uh...

But I'm positive it was
your apartment, in fact.

It's possible.
Do you know who I mean?

I never met the gentleman.

You know,

a guy dreams up
all sorts of deceptions

to lure a girl up
to his apartment,

and, uh,
you invited yourself here.

(CHUCKLES)
Well, I trust you.

And that's a compliment
to your character.

Well, maybe it's that
you think I'm harmless,

and, uh, that's no compliment.

Mmm. A man is
only as dangerous

as a girl wants him to be.

Say, what's the...

What's the proportion of gin
and quinine water in this drink?

Oh, I'd say about,
uh, even-steven.

(CHUCKLES) I'd say it was
more steven than even.

Say,

you're not trying to
get me drunk, are you?

We'll examine
the motives later, hmm?

But later may be too late.

You know something?

We're talkin' too much.

But if I don't talk, how am I
gonna know what's going on?

If anything very
important happens, I, uh,

guarantee you'll be
the first to know.

(KEY RATTLES IN LOCK)

Harvey, sweetheart.

Well, when did you
get back into town?

Well, you look just fantastic.

Just like I always say,
my place is your place.

That's why I gave you
the key, you know.

How was your trip?

Now, I thought I told you...

Sure, you told me. You told
me you were coming into town,

but you never told me what
time the plane would get there.

I would have been
there to meet ya.

Hey, uh, Joan, this is Harve.

How do you do? My best pal.
Greatest pal a guy ever had.

You are a sight for sore
eyes. Will you stop that?

Tom, I am not
going to let you...

Isn't he a sweet man?

He's not gonna let me
inconvenience myself

by putting him up for the night.

Well, Harvey, if you
want to spend the night in

a dreary old hotel room,
you go right ahead.

What dreary hotel room?
I'm not going...

Come on in the kitchen. I
want to get you a glass of milk.

You must have had a very, very
rough trip. How was the flight?

I'll be back in a second.

I don't want any milk.

It doesn't matter. There
must be something in here.

I just don't want to get...

Now look,
I thought I told you...

Shh. This is the girl
that took my place.

What is she doing in my place?

Well, she won't let me
go to my place,

so I had to call
your place my place.

Get her out of here, you hear?

Out, out.

Harve, I've been working on
her. She's just starting to talk.

Well, teach her how to walk
and get her out of here.

Look. The case is
practically broken.

She's ready to spill the beans.

And she's no crook.
Uh-uh.

In fact, she has no idea of
the value of your paintings.

Oh, really? Yeah. She
thinks they're ridiculous.

Oh, really?

Yeah. So ridiculous
she wants to throw 'em out.

Is that... No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, well... Well, I didn't
mean it that way. It's just a joke.

Now, I want my paintings, Tom.
I... I want them tonight. Now!

Harvey. Harvey, please. It
was just a joke. I mean, I...

The paintings are perfectly
safe. They're all right.

Now be a pal.
Give me a little time.

I'm on the
five-yard line. Hey.

Why don't you check
into the Plaza Hotel?

I'll pay for everything.
All right?

You check into the Plaza Hotel.

Word of honor, if I detect
any evidence of criminal intent,

I'll pick up the paintings
and... And call the police.

Scout's honor.

Oh.

I've been locked in with my
wife's lawyers for six hours.

I've got indigestion.

I'm tired.

All I want to do is rest my
head on my very own pillow.

I'll pack it in a bag, and you
can take it with you. Come on.

Oh, thank you. Sure. I
knew you'd see it my way.

Going so soon, Harve?

Tom, you're a terrible host.
Give the man some quinine water.

Make yourself at home, Harve.

I have no home.

Good night, Harve.

What does he mean by that?

Who, Harve?

Well, uh,
he actually is suffering

from a terrible
emotional problem.

He... He thinks
he's a wandering gypsy.

He wears bright-colored
shirts and earrings.

Even shakes a tambourine.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Poor Harve.

Listen.

Tom.

Hmm?

Take me home.

Home? Why?

I don't think I should
be here in this condition.

What condition?

Well... (CHUCKLES) I don't
know, but it feels good, and...

I'd be afraid to
feel any better.

Don't you trust me?

Should I?

8:00'll be fine, Tom.

Oh, I was looking
at those paintings.

They are by that
fellow Schmeero.

Oh, Pirraux.

Uh, well, is he a boozer?

Nobody sees
things like that sober.

I'd still like to toss them out.

Tom, why do you
stutter when I say that?

(CHUCKLES) Okay, I'll think
about it. (DOORBELL BUZZES)

Somebody's at the door.
See you at 8:00.

Hi, guys.

Been rehearsing
since 10:00 this morning.

Don't ask me why.

Girl, nobody's making you
do it with whips.

You don't like the play, quit.

Well, maybe if I knew
what was going on.

Twenty-two weeks rehearsing, and
still doesn't get the author's message.

Tell me about last night.

Well, it was very nice.

He's...
He's considerate and refined.

He called the play The Onion
because life is like an onion.

Peel away the skins,
what have you got?

A naked onion.
Now shut up.

All men are considerate
and refined the first time out.

No, no. Tom's really
different. He's...

Well, he's an
interior decorator.

(LAUGHS)

No. Come on.

I'm not kidding. He loves art and
frilly, chintzy gingerbready things.

That's why he wants to see
this apartment so badly.

He says he's got a lot of ideas.

I'll bet he has.

Look, honey, you've latched on
to a very high-grade mechanic.

He's an interior decorator
like I'm an astronaut.

First he relaxes you
with the chintz bit.

Then the next thing you know,
you're asking to see his apartment.

I've already seen his apartment.

What did I tell ya?

That's as far as it went.

Patience. He'll get there.

Look, he was a
perfect gentleman.

I went to his apartment,
I had a couple of drinks.

I got a little dizzy.

So he brought me home and
kissed me on the forehead and left.

Could be he is
an interior decorator.

The author says
life's like an onion...

Not only because it's got
skins, but also because it stinks.

Look. Why don't you make
like a potato and get boiled?

Now leave us alone.

He's coming here at 8:00.

Well, just remember to
keep him out in the hallway.

(SIGHS)

Maybe I could tell him
it's my brother's apartment.

You haven't got a brother.

Well, he doesn't know that.

He'll find out. Men
don't like women who lie.

Besides,
you got a great big doozy

working for you right now.
That's enough.

Well, maybe we can stall him
until we rent another apartment.

Do you realize
what it would cost

to decorate one
as nicely as this?

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Now, just what
piece of hanky-panky

do you have cooking
in that twisted little mind?

(GASPS) Oh!
I just remembered.

I got an appointment with
my dentist in Jersey City.

Well, wait for me.
My teeth are killing me.

Halt.

No one is leaving the premises.

I am gonna put
skirts in this apartment,

and you two are gonna help me.

Mmm-hmm.

Ah, yes.

English tailoring.

But wearable. Wearable.

Your husband's, ma'am?

Mmm.

Hardly worn. Hardly worn.

Uh, he left me.

I see.
How long were you married?

(SIGHS)

Well, I... I'd rather not talk
about it, if you don't mind.

Oh, but I do mind.

You see, I operate here under
the benevolence of a police license,

and if I accept merchandise
of questionable origin,

I jeopardize that license
and my own good name.

Well! If you're
suggesting that I'm a thief...

Well, you say you're married,
but I see you wear no band.

Or could it be that the
vows were never spoken?

Ah. Pity.

You're in difficulty.

But the shame is not
in loving unwisely.

The shame rests on him who
would sip the nectar, you might say,

and take flight before
the blossom has fruited.

Mr. O'Shea!

What is it, girl?

Oh, I'm afraid that you have...

Oh, now, don't be afraid, child.

Don't be afraid.
Have courage.

After all, it's the most
natural and sacred of miracles.

I'll, uh... I'll lend
you $100 on the lot,

in spite of the tailoring.

Uh, you sure
you won't sell them?

Still hoping
the rascal will return.

They rarely do.
They rarely do.

No, no, you... You make
a new life for yourself.

Develop an interest.

Have you any musical ability?

Uh, no, sir.

Oh? Well, here.

Plunk on this
to while away the days.

And when the time comes I'll
have a perambulator for you.

Watch your step now
as you go out.

You've got to take
great care of yourself now.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

God bless you.

Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)

They can't fool O'Shea.

Call me at the Plaza
as soon as you find out.

Harvey, will you relax?

The paintings are all right.

Call me anyway.

Look. It's now ♪:00. I'm
gonna push the watch up to 8:00.

She can't possibly leave me
in the hall for a whole hour.

She's gotta ask me in.
Talk to you later.

Mmm, yeah.

(BUZZES)

Well, hi, Tom.
Hi.

What are you
doing here so early?

Early?

We did make it for 8:00,
didn't we?

But it's only 7:00.

7:00?

Well, it is racing a bit.

I guess I am early. I'm
sorry. I'll just wait out here.

(LAUGHS) Don't be silly.
Come on in.

Well, come on!

Uh, Tom, this is Luther.

Hi, neighbor!

Luth, will you get my guest a
drink? I'll just be one minute.

What are you drinkin'?

Uh, uh, nothing, thank you.

You name it, we've got it.

Uh, if you don't mind
I'll just browse around.

How are they
getting along out there?

Okay, I guess.

I'd sure like to meet the guy,

but I look like I been working
out with the Green Bay Packers.

He's cute, isn't he?

AUDREY: Not from this angle.

He can walk, can't he?

Sure.

You'd better watch
yourself with this guy.

He's gotta be a wolf,
from what I can see.

Tom, what's the trouble?

Oh, no trouble at all. I was
just checking the upholstery.

It's very fine.
Very fine indeed.

Oh.

Well, I'm all ready.
What's on the agenda?

Well, I thought
we'd catch a movie.

Then I'd take you
for a bite to eat.

And then I'd like to talk to you
about some exciting ideas I have

for redoing my apartment.

Wonderful.

I don't know about that guy.
What's he look like to you?

Just another pretty face.

I tell ya, if there's one thing I
cannot stand, it's a clean Italian movie.

(GIGGLES) Well, Luigi
Brocatelli always plays such a wolf.

Imagine him as
an 80-year-old shoemaker!

I wonder where there's a good
spaghetti place around here.

Hey, hiya, hotshot!
Paul.

Guys, look who's here!

Hi, Tommy!

Hi, Tom. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Say, uh, folks,
I'd like you to meet Joan.

Joan, this is Kitty and Paul
and Jeff and Helen.

Hello, Joan.

Long time no see, Tom.
Where you been hiding?

Oh, at the office mostly.

Been very busy.

Hey, let's go some place.

Dressed like this?

Really, some other time, huh?

You're close by.
How about your place?

Paul's mother is staying with
us. How about your place?

The painters are coming tomorrow
and the whole joint's torn up.

PAUL: How about your place,
Tom? We won't stay up late.

Uh, well, I'd love to have
you over to my place,

but, you see, the woman
next door is very sick

and the doctors are
coming in and going out.

It's terrible.

Word of honor, I give you
a call next week, all right?

Gee, it was
awfully nice to see you.

Good night. Nice to
see you. Good night.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry about
not having you over to my place.

I have an idea. Why don't
you all come over to my place?

Why didn't I think of
that? (CHUCKLES)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

KITTY:
Four scotches, one vodka...

Harve, the least you could do
is come out and say hello.

I will not go out there
and say hello.

Look, I just told 'em we'd stop
here on the way to Joan's place.

Okay, so take 'em
to Joan's place.

Joan has no place!
My place is her place.

And I couldn't
take 'em to my place,

because your place is my place,

and this gang knows my place,
so I had to come to your place.

I am seriously thinking
of destroying myself.

What will you do
when I'm no longer here?

Or will you move me
out of that place, too?

Harvey. Harvey,
don't be bitter.

You know it pains me
to do these things.

I told you to call
the police days ago.

I'm worried about my paintings.

Well, stop worrying
about 'em. I'll find 'em.

You'll find them? Well,
I... I didn't mean that.

You see, they were temporarily
removed for safety's sake.

Yeah. Uh, they should
be back any... Any, uh...

What happened to my
paintings, Tom? Nothing.

Believe me, they're safe.

She redid my apartment,
then she took

the paintings down
'cause they didn't fit.

But as far as being lost...

Where are my paintings?

I don't know.

(STAMMERS) You don't know?
You don't have...

Don't know? Don't know...

If you... I'm telling you...
You... You don't know my...

Oh, hello. Young lady, would
you please get off the phone?

I've gotta call the police.

Yes, get off the line.
Thank you. I... What is that?

No, I don't want to hear
about your martinis, no.

(STAMMERS)
This is an emergency.

Room service, I want the
police. No, no, I don't want the...

What? No, I... I don't want two
Scotch and four champagnes!

All I want
is the police. Yes!

Oh, she wants them. Well,
why don't you send "em over...

No, look, I want the police,
now. Do you hear? Please get...

Harvey, you put
the police onto that girl

and I'll have to put your
wife onto those paintings.

My friend Milford.

My very best friend.

Harve, go back to your apartment

and, word of honor,
I won't bug you again.

Oh, all I want is
a good night's sleep.

My good night's sleep and my oil
paintings. Now, is that asking too much?

No. No, I think you're
being very reasonable.

I'll give you a hand.

Here.

Let me help you into your pants.

I'll put on my own pants,
thank you.

Just trying to be of some
help. I don't want your help.

You've got
the touch of disaster.

You just stay away.
That's all.

My paintings.

That's fantastic.

Absolutely,
completely fantastic.

What is?

You just handed me
my trousers, right?

That's all.
I just handed 'em to you.

The zipper's stuck.

She's never been this
late without calling.

It's only 4:30.
Why the sweat? She's no kid.

Try information again. Baffle.
B-A-F-F-L-E. Uh, 58th Street Towers.

Information already said
there is no phone for that name.

Let's grab a cab
and go over there.

Why are we running? We
don't even know the apartment!

We know he has the penthouse,
and that's enough.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(MUTTERING)
All right, all right.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Ah, wait, wait!

So that's how it is, is it?
You miserable, depraved beast!

Luth, take care of him
while I get Joan.

What? (STAMMERS)

Wait a second!
This doesn't look like the...

All you had to do was
lift a phone at the hotel.

You can do that
from any position.

We were having so much fun,
who bothered to look at the clock?

Do you realize that we called every
place in town, including the morgue?

By the way,

if Tom was with you,

who did Luther
punch in the face?

Hmm. Must have been
Tom's friend.

He went back to
sleep at Tom's apartment.

Oh. Well, anyone
who's stupid enough

to answer the door
at 4:30 in the morning

deserves a punch in the face.

I... It's getting pretty serious
between Tom and me.

Just these few days?

Takes me longer to
break in a pair of shoes.

Boy, half a dozen
times last night

I wanted to tell him the truth,

but I was afraid.

Well, just listen
to Mother Audrey.

Don't.

(SIGHS)

Do you know how to roast a duck?

Me? (CHUCKLES)
Oh, that's pretty good.

Ask me if I could roast a
cottage cheese, I might help you.

Well, Tom's favorite
dish is duck I'orange,

so I invited him up for dinner.

Do you get pains in your head?

Well, I couldn't
tell him I can't cook.

Why couldn't you
tell him you can't cook?

All you have to say is, "I can't
cook." That means, "I can't cook."

You keep getting in deeper
and deeper and deeper.

But he comes up and sees
this beautiful kitchen

with all this
beautiful equipment...

But a duck!
I mean, The best French chef

in town can't make
a decent duck I'orange.

That's with brandy and
oranges, the whole schmear.

Well, how am I going
to learn if I don't try?

You know,
you're not well, Joanie.

You're not at all well.

Well, I am gonna
roast that duck.

Now, if you don't
want to help...

All right, I'll help, I'll help.

(SIGHS) But what's gonna
happen to that duck

shouldn't happen to a dog.

Hmm. Mother and child.

(LAUGHS)

Let me smell.

Mmm. Gravy smells good.

Mmm.

You think we oughta add a
little more brandy and Cointreau?

Gosh, I don't know. We must
have a quart in there already.

I mean, I'd hate to have him
get drunk on a duck.

Mmm. Hey, you'd better
get washed and polished.

He'll be here very soon.

What about this kitchen?

Don't worry. I'll manage,
and then I'll cut out.

I'm sure you
don't want me around.

Gee, thanks, Audrey.
I appreciate that.

Ah.

Let's see.
"Baste every 15 minutes."

"Keep oven at 275."

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

(GASPS) Oh! Oh!

Oh, Joan! Joan, Joan!
Joan, the duck's on fire!

(GASPS)

Joan, look! The duck!

Oh, don't just stand there!
Do something!

(SHOUTING)

Ooh!
What?

Do you wanna ruin it?

(SOBS) My duck!

The fork!
Get the serving fork!

Quick! Don't stand there!
Move! Fork!

Oh... Here. My duck!

All right, don't panic.
My beautiful duck!

All right...
(SOBBING)

The broom!
Get the broom! Quick!

Oh! Oh!

Don't panic!
Don't panic!

I'm not! I'm not!

Oh! Oh, I can't watch!

Oh, I can't watch!
Oh, don't ruin it!

Oh! Oh! (SHRIEKING)
Oh, no!

(SCREAMS)
Oh, you ruined my duck!

(SHRIEKING)

(GASPING)

Yeah, and she'll be right over.

And please pack it well.

Thank you.

It's Andre's on 23rd Street.
He'll have the duck all packed.

I'll clean up the slop and
set the table before I leave.

Buck up.
It was only a duck.

But she was so beautiful.

We all have to go some time.

No duck.

Whew.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Ah!

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Hello, Mr. Milford. Anything
to be cleaned or pressed?

No, Lennie.
Thank you very much.

See you next week.

Hey, wait. Wait. Come
to think of it, come inside.

You'd better take this suit because
I've been living in it for a week.

(SIGHS)

Tomorrow okay?
Yep. Tomorrow'll be fine.

No. Come to think of it,
make it next week.

Better yet,
I'll call for it myself.

Oh.
Thanks, Mr. Milford.

That's all right.
Bye, Lennie.

"Maid to order. This apartment
serviced by Joan Howell."

Doesn't sound Japanese.

"Attention, maid,
discontinue service..."

Joan is my maid!

Well, I'll be a...

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(BUZZING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(KICKING)

Tom!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Tom?

Uh...

Tom!

Taxi!

I'm sorry. I don't
carry your kind, Maxine!

(LAUGHING)

Well, you've got
your big, fat nerve.

Ma'am, I wonder if I could
trouble you for a dime.

I wonder if I could trouble
you to go soak your head!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take
the booth, but I have a problem.

Now, if I could
have that dime...

Why don't you just take it?
You've taken everything else.

Only the lowest,
the meanest, the nastiest,

the cheapest kind
of person would...

He took it.

He took my dime!

Hello, Sam?
Sam, Tom Milford.

Yeah, listen,
don't press my suit.

Just send it back.

No, no, don't unpress it.

Just send it back.
And hurry. Okay.

Oh, Sam! Sam.
I'm not at home.

I'm in a phone booth
on 62nd Street,

right across the street
from my place. Right.

He grabs my arm and bends my
fingers back until I give him that dime.

Did ya ever!

It's the Russians. They're
sprinklin' something around.

Makes everybody crazy.

Oh, and, Sam,
Sam, one more thing.

I stole a dime from an old
lady. Would you send that, too?

Why doesn't somebody call a cop?

What happened? That
man stole that woman's dime!

Her diamond?
No, no. Her dime.

Hey, what's going on here?

That man stole
that woman's diamond.

If there was
a red-blooded man around,

he'd go in that booth
and teach that guy a lesson.

You got more blood
than I got, lady. You go in.

Well, I never carry
anything valuable with me.

I don't even carry
green stamps with me.

All right, ladies,
break it up. Break it up.

Officer, that fiend threw me
bodily out of the phone booth

and took my dime!

I'm a witness, Officer.
I saw every bit of it.

Where were you when she
was screamin' for help? Yeah!

I was havin' my ears pierced.

Officer, would you mind waiting a
moment? I haven't a thing to wear.

Outside.
Yeah, but...

Outside.

Believe it or not, I was on
my way to a duck dinner.

Oh, and I thought you were
waiting for the 4:00 dog sled.

Well, I know it's unusual,
but I can explain everything.

Sure!

You're Nanook of the North
and I am Admiral Byrd.

You gotta believe me.

I'm a victim of circumstance,
and I'm waiting for my suit.

Don't let him talk you out of it,
Officer. He's some kind of a pre-vert.

I can handle this, lady.
Let's take a walk.

Officer, you gotta believe me.
I'm as sane as you are.

Sure you are. Saner.

I asked for this beat.
Come on.

WOMAN: But what about my dime?
Wait. Look. Look. Hold it. Hold it.

I told you I was just waiting
for my suit. Lennie. Lennie.

This lady over here
gets the dime, please.

Get in there and put it on.

And let me tell you something.

If I catch you causing any
more disturbances around here,

I'm gonna throw you in the
cookie jar and slap the lid on.

You understand?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

(GRUNTS)

Officer!

All right, all right!

Break it up!

What's the matter?
Ain't you never seen

a naked man in
a phone booth before?

(CROWD MURMURING)
Break it up! Come on! Move on!

JOAN: Well,
I knew you'd been here

when I saw your wallet
was left on the table.

Well, I thought
I'd just dash out

and have my suit pressed
while I was waiting.

Mmm. This duck
is the greatest.

Why, it's better than Andre's.

Where'd you learn
to cook so well?

(LAUGHS)
Oh, there are tricks.

Say, uh, are you just as
good at housekeeping?

Mmm. I'm even better.

Career girl,
a cook, a housekeeper.

Wow.

Why, you're, uh...
You're quite a catch.

It's going to take an awful lot
of husband to keep up with you.

Or aren't you interested
in getting married?

Now, what girl isn't?

Have you got anybody in mind?

Mmm-mmm. Not yet.

Well, what's he got to be like?

Oh, I'm wide open.

Preferably, uh, rich,
handsome, uh, personable?

(CHUCKLES) Well, you aim for
the moon and settle for the best.

Well, you should
have no trouble at all.

I mean, you're pretty,

uh, gifted,

you've got a lovely apartment.

(COUGHING) Excuse me.

In fact, you've got a lot
of things going for you.

Uh, well, uh, what are
you looking for in a girl?

Well, I want everything to
be in the right place, of course.

But there's one
quality above all

that, well, to me
is just a must.

Honesty.

You see, I believe if a girl
is beautiful on the inside,

she can't help but be
beautiful on the outside.

It's simple as that.

Um... (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Well, uh,

I... I expect to be
leaving here soon.

Oh?

Where?

Well, I'm...
I'm not sure.

You will let me know, won't you?

Do you want to know?

I want to know.

Oh, the... Wine.

There I am, on 62nd
Street in my underwear,

and I can't even raise a dime.

What'd she do with your suits?

I have no idea.

She probably sold 'em.

Nah. She's not a thief.

She's not
a compulsive liar either.

She's just a...
Just a bush leaguer,

trying to make a big impression.

She saw an opportunity to live
it up for 10 days, she grabbed it.

Hmm. Uh, when are you
due back from the coast?

Day after tomorrow.

Good. Maybe things can get
back to normal around here.

There's an awful lot of work
piled up on your desk.

Harve, I was thinking of, uh,

delaying my return
for a few days.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, no, you're not.

What concern is it of yours?
I mean, it's my affair.

Your affairs have a remarkable
way of becoming my affairs.

Now, I've had it, Tom.

People waking me at 5:00 in
the morning to take a punch at me.

Moving around all hours of the
night like a wandering nomad.

Look, if the girl moves,
I'll never see her again.

And, uh,
I want to see her again.

Now, what in the world
do you want with a dame

who's deceived you
from the moment she met you?

I like her. It's just
that simple. Yeah.

You can pick up that phone
and call any one of 50 girls

who are a darn sight
better than this one.

You are hardly an expert
at picking the right girl.

You can stand there, you
with no home and no clothes,

and tell me that this
one is the right one?

Ah!

Well, right or wrong,
I just don't want to lose her.

Now, have the California office
send a telegram in my name

saying I'll be
delayed for a week.

That's all I'm asking.

Now, I'm warning you, Tom.

You've stretched our friendship
just about as far as it'll go.

I'm running a business here.

Either get with it or get out.

All right, Harve. You win.

I know you have my best
interests at heart, so, uh...

So I'll forget about the girl and
just let her disappear out of my life.

And I'll, uh,
drown myself in my work.

You're too agreeable.

Harvey, from now on, I promise,
I am just a company man.

You're planning something
sneaky to get even with me.

You're gonna call Leona and
tell her about the paintings.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna write her
lawyers an anonymous letter

telling them about
my securities and the boat.

You hurt me when you
accuse me of things like that.

You're in love with that girl.

And a person in love
is a person insane.

I'm not insane.
Oh, no?

What other kind of
mind would dream up

a double-crossing
plot like this?

What are you so clouded
up about? Lovers' quarrel?

We were never lovers,
and we didn't quarrel.

What about the banjo?

I'll take it back to
the pawn shop with me.

Give the ticket to Luther.
He'll get the suits.

He'll also get
a good hit in the head.

Why?

"Cause O'Shea'll think
you're the father of my child.

I haven't been near enough
to her to give her a cold.

(SIGHS) You know, you were
right about men not liking liars.

He said something.

How did he happen to mention it?

Came out somehow.

(SIGHS) Maybe it's just
as well it ends right now.

Thirty, 40, 50,

60, 70, 80, 90,

100.

What are the charges?

(STAMMERS) No. No charge.

Glad to be of help.

Well, thank you,
Mr. O'Shea.

And if I might
make a suggestion,

now that he's back,
you run him down

to city hall and get a license.

Mr. O'Shea, there's
something I must tell you.

Oh, tell me nothing. The
child's got to have a name.

I am not going to have a child.

Well, don't tell him
till after the wedding.

You get the certificate.
It's a permanent credit card.

You listen to O'Shea.

(SIGHS)

This came right after you left.

Oh.

"Attention, maid. Return
delayed one week. Milford."

(SIGHS)

She loves the guy.

Love, schmove.

One more skin on the onion.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello?

Oh, hello, Tom.

Uh, no. I just
stepped out for a minute.

Um, Tom, I was wondering if we
should be seeing each other again.

Well, there are many reasons.

Oh, no, no.

You've been very nice and
I've enjoyed being with you.

Oh, I do. I do.

Yeah. (LAUGHS) No.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Tom.

Oh, you mean he shuttled in
and shuttled out again?

Must we go through all
the details, Mr. O'Shea?

Well, you can't have him
running in and out like the tides.

You'll wear yourself
out carrying the suits.

Look, I'm in a hurry.
Never mind the money.

Just hold the suits for me, huh?

Do you love the man?

Mr. O'Shea,
there is no man.

I see.

You want to forget him.

Good riddance it is.
So now I can tell you.

Goodbye, Mr. O'Shea.

There's another woman.

What'd you say?

I found this in one of the
pockets the first time you came in.

I didn't want to upset you,
so I slipped it to one side.

Why, that's Tom.

That's Tom!

That's Tom Milford!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, I just want to die.

(STAMMERS)
Oh, I am so embarrassed.

I just want to die!

Well, why didn't the bum say
something? Why did he string you along?

As far as I know,
all that changed hands

was some quinine water
and a roast duck.

Because he wanted me
to look like

the biggest idiot that
ever came out of the west.

Or the north, south
and east. And Canada.

Well... (CHUCKLES)

It's that time again.

If he had one shred of decency,

he would have never led me on.

Any gentleman
would have spoken up

the minute I brought him
back to his apartment.

Only a lying, sneaky, deceitful
snake would do that to a girl.

Yeah, how about that?

When all you did was steal his
apartment and hock all his clothes.

Why didn't he stop me?

Why did you start it?

Don't change the subject.

Give me a hand with
these slipcovers, will ya?

He is not gonna get away
with it. Do you understand me?

He is not gonna
get away with it!

Joanie, sit down, hmm?

Do you know that you
could get six months for this?

Jail. Pokey-pie.

You should be grateful
that he didn't blow a whistle.

Oh, he wouldn't dare.

He wouldn't dare,

because I can prove that he
led me on for immoral purposes.

Now, Joanie, you didn't
tell me about that.

When did it happen?

It didn't. But he was
getting around to it.

Are you gonna help me or not?

I am not leaving this apartment.

He humiliated me, and he
is not gonna get away with it.

Don't forget, I'm from Iowa.

What has that got to
do with it? I don't know.

But he is gonna rue the day that
he ever toyed with Joan Milford.

Your name is Howell.
Remember?

How you gonna get him to rue?

I'll think of something.

Oh, then you're gonna keep
your date with him tonight.

Oh! I can't wait.

He may just give me the clue
on the best way to rue.

Oh, it hardly seems possible

that we've known each other
less than two weeks.

I feel like
I've known you forever.

And yet, you know, we really
know very little about one another.

Well, what more do
you have to know?

Oh, things like
your ideas and such.

At 2:30 in the morning?
(LAUGHS)

That's a heck of a time
to exchange ideas.

Well, you know, you once told me

that the most important
quality in a woman was honesty.

What do you think the most
important quality in a man is?

Same thing. Honesty.

Honesty in anybody.

And do your friends
consider you an honest man?

I like to think so.

You must have such
exciting friends.

Especially among the women.

No, I...
I'm actually a lonely man.

You see,
my real love is my work.

Now, splashes of colors
or beautiful fabrics

or a well-turned piece of wood,

now those are the things
that can thrill me.

I'm, uh, really quite an artist.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, you certainly
are quite an artist.

But, you know, you
should have more friends.

I have you.
What more do I need?

What do you say I
have a party for you?

But we have each other.
That's plenty, isn't it?

Oh, but, Tom, I'm
not really very exciting,

and I can introduce you to
a lot of interesting people.

Mmm. I... I'm very
uncomfortable around people.

Well, Tom, my mind's made up.

I'm going to invite a few
friends over Friday night.

And we can have
a few drinks and dance

and I'll get some sandwiches in.

Why, I bet you
the change would do you good.

Well, if it'll please you,
then I'm for it.

Yes.

It's getting late now, Tom.
You'd better go.

Okay.

Night.
Night.

Hello. Is Agnes there?

Oh, hello, Agnes. This
is Mr. Milford's secretary.

We're having a little party
Friday night at Mr. Milford's place.

A "Streets of Paris" party.

And all the girls
are coming dressed

as their favorite
women of the boulevards.

Oh, fine. And, Agnes, uh,
please, it's a surprise party.

So don't call Tom back.

(CHUCKLES) Al righty.

Goodbye, Agnes.

Uh, what are you
trying to do, Joan?

This is national
rue week. Remember?

Yeah, but what point
are you trying to make?

This is a man who demands
honesty in his women.

Well, I just want to show him that
it's a pretty good virtue in men, too.

Huh! "I'm so alone, Joan.

"I'm so uncomfortable
around women." (GRUMBLES)

I don't know. You're going
to an awful lot of trouble

for a guy you're
supposed to hate.

You want a lift home?

No, Harve, thank you. I'm gonna
hang around and do a little thinking.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good afternoon, Bert.
Have a nice weekend.

Bye.

What do you wanna think about?

Joan.

Suddenly, she's very
important to me.

I'm awfully fond of that girl.

I don't dig it. You know
she's been one long lie.

No. Her only crime has been
trying to impress me.

No matter how you rationalize,

she's trespassing
on someone else's property.

That's morally
and legally wrong.

Well, what about
a man who conceals assets

that, morally and legally,
are not completely his,

such as a nice collection
of oil paintings?

(MUTTERS) Well, uh...

(SIGHS) She's throwing
a little party for me tonight.

I told her I didn't have many
friends, that I was kind of a hermit.

Oh, that must have been
a very touching scene.

Harvey, I feel like a heel.

For two weeks now
I've been spiking her drinks,

playing on her sympathies, lurking
around just waiting to take advantage.

Would you want somebody
to do that to your sister?

I sure would. My sister's
single and pushing 40.

I'm gonna go to the party
and grab her aside,

tell her who I am and forgive
her for what she's done.

I don't care what you do. Just
come back with my paintings.

Hey, Harve, why don't
you come along with me

and pick up
the paintings yourself?

I mean, after all, you've been involved
in this whole thing from the beginning.

Could be a lot of laughs.

Could just be a lot of laughs.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Must be old home week.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I don't get it. What kind of
a party is this without men?

Be patient. You know Tom.

He's always full of surprises.

He never surprised me.

Look at the one at the table,

the one stuffing her face
with the tuna fish sandwiches.

That's gotta be Ginny Frazell.

Slow starter,
but great in the stretch.

That's right, Chief.
Dozens of 'em.

I can't figure it either,

unless the seventh fleet's
steaming down Madison Avenue.

What are you gonna do when
your man finally shows up?

I don't have to do anything.
I just want him to see me.

He'll get the message.

Chief, I counted 50.

Must be a national convention.

Just a second.

Two male individuals
just arrived.

I can't see their faces.

But they ain't here
to read the gas meters.

Yeah. Yeah.

Better charter a bus.

Looks like they're all here.

I wish he'd hurry.
I'm getting worried.

What are you worried about?

I don't know.

But with all this talent and no
place to put it, something's gotta give.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)
That's funny.

I could have sworn she
said just a few friends.

Sounds like a few dozen to me.

That's what I mean
about this girl, Harve.

She's so concerned
for my welfare.

Imagine going to all
this trouble and expense.

I just hope there's
some way I can repay her.

Well...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi!
(ALL SHOUTING GREETINGS)

(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Hey, where are the other
fellas? There's only two of you!

Hi! Come on in!

Oh, I'll grab the paintings,
and I'll meet you down in the car.

What is this?

Welcome to your party,
Mr. Milford.

I just thought you might enjoy
being surrounded by the, uh...

(CHUCKLES)
Things you love best.

Joan, I swear I was on my
way to clear up this whole mess.

You're a little bit late.

Well, what's a guy
supposed to do?

A girl takes me to my own
apartment, tells me it's hers.

I couldn't get over
the shock for a week!

That still leaves one
week unaccounted for!

You deliberately led me on
to humiliate me, and you have.

Goodbye.
Now listen.

Step aside, please.

Could we be alone, please?

Oh, sure.
What did you have in mind?

I meant Joan.
(CHUCKLES)

You stay right here, Audrey.

(MUTTERS)

As far as being offended, I have as
much right to be offended as you do.

I knew what I was doing was
wrong, but my motives were good.

I met a man I liked
and I wanted to impress him.

But you lied to me
for your own evil purposes.

If I say I love you...

I suggest you scratch
this horse, Mr. Milford.

It's shy, nervous

and refuses to
enter the starting gate.

TOM: Now, you're
talking about lies.

How about your lies to me?

Didn't you tell me you were
a very good cook? Huh?

Well, you know darn well you
didn't cook that duck dinner.

I tried!

TOM: You take a duck, you put it
in the oven, you turn the oven on...

Can you hear what he's sayin'?

He sounds disappointed because
she didn't make him a duck dinner.

JOAN: The whole thing
burned up.

TOM: Drop a cigarette in it?
I've got ashtrays in my apartment.

What about the other one
that's playing cards on the bed?

TOM: You didn't cook it!

JOAN: I didn't cook it!

I'm still workin'
on the duck dinner.

TOM: You got a duck that tasted
that good from a delicatessen?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I have to leave!

Where are you taking them?

(ALL PROTESTING)

You can't...
Oh, you can't leave, Harve!

But I've got an appointment.

You don't have to leave us!

Yes, I...
You don't have to.

Yes, I have to go.

Where you going?

Uh, where you going, sir?
Home.

We have just one stop to
make first. Into the wagon.

What?
In the wagon.

But I don't know anything
about those people.

Now, you see,
I'm a responsible businessman.

I just came up here
for my paintings.

Into the wagon.

Now please, Sarge. I've never
seen those people before in my life.

You see, my wife, Leona, she's
asking an awful lot of money.

And, uh... Well, anyway, I was
keeping my paintings up at Tom's place,

and I was staying at my place,
in my beautiful apartment.

Then he asked me to check
into the Plaza Hotel, which I did.

I was gonna call you fellas, but
this girl kept ordering martinis.

And then when my zipper
got stuck, you see...

In the wagon!

Oh, all right.
I'll get in the...

Just push a little bit.
Thank you.

Stop! Will you...
Come on outta here.

I'll have you broken
for this, you goon!

But I told you,
I'm a secretary at the UN.

Wait till my old man
gets a hold of that Milford.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Why don't you believe me?

Officer, you don't
understand. It was all a joke.

I mean, it was my idea.

Look, I don't even
know these girls.

Sure, girlie. Nobody
knows nobody around here.

You all just happened to be standing
up there waiting for a trolley car.

In the van!

Officer, look, I can
explain this whole thing.

You see, I know all
these people. I live here.

They're all friends
of mine. Uh-huh.

Look, I never even got a
traffic ticket in my whole life.

Uh-huh. Maybe
somebody can help me.

Officer,
let me explain it to you.

The whole thing is
just a gag. It was...

You again. You know, I didn't
recognize you with your pants on.

Yes, sir.
I'll go quietly.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Lovely evening to
get arrested, isn't it?

You know,
if you like the apartment,

I have no objections to you
using it on a more permanent basis.

That is, uh,

if you'd like to
use the Milford name

on a more permanent basis.

Pay attention.
That's a proposal.

Oh, and you don't have to worry
about tossing away those paintings,

because they belong to Harve.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Are these magnificent
paintings really yours?

Well, yes.
I... I think so. I...

Oh, well, I was only
saying the other day

that whoever
owns these paintings

must be a man of great
taste and refinement.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, really?

Uh-huh.
Well

So I'm passing
the police station

and these two vans
pull up and unload

the biggest bunch of night
fliers you've ever seen.

And who do you think is right
smack in the middle of them?

Your friend, Little Miss Muffet.

How about that?
How about that?

Oh, it's like I always said.

The city is a jungle.

Crawling with vice, it is.

Why, only this week, mind you,

a mere wisp of a child with the
bloom of innocence still on her cheeks

comes into the place.

And would you believe it?

Some dirty dog of a scoundrel,

some mean, low-down,
cheap, conniving,

two-faced, lecherous
snake in the grass...

Why... (GASPS)

(WHISPERING)
I'll take care of 'em.

You listened last time.
It's my turn.

You always wanna
keep the good ones.

Okay, okay. We'll
both take care of 'em.

(GASPS)
(ALL MURMURING)

You and your English tailoring.

Tom!

Honey?

Are you all right?

Well, Tom...

(EXHALES)

You know somethin', Charlie?

When you got her around,
you don't need television.