Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,638
- Will you marry me?
- No.
2
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,797
I think there's got to be one more cock!
3
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:06,909
Out there!
4
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,679
You're 46 years old,he is never going to have sex with you.
5
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,358
He is never ever going to have
sex with you, never!
6
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,675
It's all been a bit mental.
7
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,517
- I sort of got lost.
- I've met someone.
8
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:19,196
Don't you touch me!
9
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:40,400
Ripped By mstoll
10
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,468
You look nice.
11
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,748
Thank you.
12
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,677
We'll see you later.
13
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,197
You... You don't have to come.
14
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,117
Day off work with full pay.
15
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,278
- Morning.
- Hi.
16
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,197
That's a very good shower.
17
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,355
It is, isn't it?
18
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,231
I think you should ring the bell
while I'm here.
19
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:19,474
Is that OK?
20
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,192
Well, it's my house.
21
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,559
Hmm, it's half mine.
22
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,996
- How are you?
- Exhausted.
23
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,955
Rosemary sends her apologies,
she did try to make it.
24
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,479
I know, she texted.
25
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,272
Ah.
26
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,231
- That'll be Cleo.
- Yeah.
27
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,357
I can't believe I beeped!
28
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,789
Oh, my God. Sorry, force of habit.
29
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,193
I'm so sorry.
30
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,518
Hey, that's OK. Aw, thank you, sweetheart.
31
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,913
Look, Auntie Marie's here.
32
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,313
Bad day, man.
33
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,272
- Ah, thanks. You look smart.
- Hm.
34
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,311
- Nice of you to come.
- I wanted to pay my respects.
35
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,588
Well, very kind of you.
36
00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,110
This is my Auntie Marie...
Lance's sister...
37
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,391
Bloody Tomasz?! He can't ride
in the funeral car, he's not family.
38
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,954
Well, is he? I don't know.
Are they boyfriends or not?
39
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,433
- Well... have you asked?
- I did.
40
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,152
He said, ' "Mum, don't
be so old-fashioned.'"
41
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,555
And then he asked me for 20 quid
cos that never gets old, does it?
42
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,431
How are you?
43
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,678
I'm OK. Here he comes.
44
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,517
I thought it best to tell you
before the funeral,
45
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,120
just in case it goes public, but...
46
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,716
I've been informed that Daniel Coltrane
has instructed a new defence team.
47
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,795
What for?
48
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,149
But he confessed.
He said that he did it, he said so.
49
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,633
I know, yeah.
50
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,511
He was the one who called the police.
51
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,552
He sat there with Lance's body
for three hours, he told them.
52
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,033
He's now claiming provocation.
53
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,354
Oh, Jesus.
54
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,595
He's saying that Lance made a pass at him
and he lashed out.
55
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,358
Gay panic.
56
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,392
The defence is known as gay panic.
57
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:55,872
You lot, shut up.
Just shut up, I'm telling you, shut up!
58
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,437
The court won't recognise it.
59
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,268
Homosexual panic,
it's not allowed as a defence on its own.
60
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,548
But this means we're going to trial.
61
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,275
If he changes his story,
there's got to be a trial, is that right?
62
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,514
The thing is, he's insane.
63
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,676
And, I mean, genuinely,
he's in a state of collapse.
64
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,995
Tomorrow he might say
something completely different.
65
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,315
- Can he stop the funeral?
- Oh, you're kidding.
66
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,477
No, he can't, the body's been released,
he can't do that.
67
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,638
But if it does go to court...
he can say all this, out loud?
68
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,159
He can say it was Lance's fault?
69
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,633
Yeah.
70
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,432
And could it work?
71
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,233
Is there any chance
it could actually work?
72
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,679
No.
73
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,596
Although... if he claims sexual assault,
74
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,520
we might be looking at manslaughter,
not murder.
75
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,958
- What's that for?
- What?
76
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,399
Why you lookin' at me?
77
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,759
I can go and see him.
78
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,109
I know he's turned down your request.
Unless, Henry, you want to try and?
79
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,037
I don't want to see him, no.
80
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,080
Understood.
81
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,909
But I could get to see him,
to represent you, if you want?
82
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,269
And obviously I could take a statement.
83
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,232
Have a briefcase with me,
files and a pen.
84
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,113
Because solicitors get searched
entering a prison just like everyone else,
85
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,275
but I'd still have a pen.
86
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,912
Because a pen is all I'd need, really.
87
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,391
I think it would take me a second
to lean across
88
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,271
and insert the pen through his throat.
89
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:21,836
Right here. At the base.
Straight through to the spine.
90
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,996
I could do that.
91
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,157
He'd bleed out in seconds. Dead.
92
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,360
So...
93
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,437
...that's what I'll do.
94
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,550
With your permission.
95
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,600
Yeah.
96
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,640
Absolutely.
97
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,079
That would be excellent.
98
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,352
Thank you.
99
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,111
It's like it says in the old song,
' "I scarce can take it in.'"
100
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,118
- Thanks for coming.
- Tell you what, it's invigorated me!
101
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,718
I'm bloody burning with rage!
102
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,637
And you remember Cleo?
103
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,318
Thank you so much for coming.
104
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,918
- Thank you.
- Bless you.
105
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,359
Help yourself to the buffet.
106
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,794
Oh! Aw...
107
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:06,071
- I'm so sorry, Mr B.
- Hey, that's all right.
108
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,749
It's OK.
109
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,076
Oh, darling, come here. Oh...
110
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,760
Turns out he had a father and everything.
111
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,360
Daniel? Yeah, he told us he only moved
here cos of his job,
112
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,994
but his ex-wife says he's got a father
in Chorlton in sheltered housing.
113
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,439
78 years old, no-one knew.
114
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,789
He lied about everything,
he is such a liar.
115
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,718
Right, and this is my sister, Cleo.
116
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,752
- We met at that open day. Hello, hi.
- Oh, we did. You all right?
117
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,438
Please help yourself to the buffet.
118
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,593
Remember what I said -
don't let this define you, OK?
119
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,552
Yeah. And... you've met Cleo?
120
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,751
Listen to me, though.
You didn't die with him, OK?
121
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,756
Yes! Thank you, yes.
122
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,593
Nice of you to come, Freddie.
123
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,150
Oh, I'm fucking furious.
124
00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,112
- Oh, Nelly, I thought you were dead.
- I was, for a while.
125
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,957
I'm furious, though, that murdering fuck!
126
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,036
- Cleo, you remember Nelly?
- Drayton Manor.
127
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,672
I ended up with Nelly on a pedalo.
128
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,950
- You look fucking gorgeous.
- Oh, baby!
129
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,036
- Thank you for coming, sweetheart.
- I'll see you later.
130
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,080
See you later.
131
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,111
But what are we doing here?!
132
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,991
He didn't like cricket, did he?
133
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,838
No, it was Marie's idea,
cos Marie didn't like using a pub,
134
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,711
and whatever Marie says goes.
135
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,635
Elaine sends her love.
She couldn't make it, she's got the kids.
136
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,353
Oh, yeah, I know, just look around -
there's no Elaine, there's no Max.
137
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,436
There's no sign of Sally and her gang.
138
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,152
There's no-one from Johnson's,
there's no-one from Picardie's...
139
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,189
- And I'm Cleo, we...
- Cos that's what happens...
140
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:35,673
- We go way back.
...when it's a murder. Apparently!
141
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,073
Everyone's too embarrassed to come.
142
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,235
They warned us with the buffet.
143
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,475
They said, '"If you're expecting 100,
you'll only get 50.'"
144
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,795
This is Cleo.
Thanks for coming, I'm starving.
145
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,319
Ah...
146
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,237
- Marie, you all right?
- Hi, Louis.
147
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,795
Thank you. Hi, Tash, how're you doing?
148
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,991
- Thanks... Thanks so much for coming.
- That's all right.
149
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,917
Thanks so much for coming.
150
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,712
- Yeah.
- It's really good of you.
151
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,113
I've rediscovered cabbage.
152
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:12,473
It turns out if you shred it, add salt,
pepper and butter, it's delicious.
153
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,798
You only cook it for five minutes,
boil it vigorously- five minutes flat -
154
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,356
then serve, because if you cook it for
too long, that's when it gets smelly.
155
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,517
Boil it hard, nice and fast,
lid down tight.
156
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,676
Ooh, like cooking a live rat!
157
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,792
I've got a girlfriend now - Kelly Hassan.
158
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,592
She's in Year 12.
159
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,154
She'd seen me online,
so we sort of hooked up.
160
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,351
So, poor old Tomasz, what about him,
has he been dumped?
161
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,879
He's got a girlfriend, too.
162
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,990
And her name's... Kelly Hassan.
163
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,477
You're... both going out
with the same girl? But...
164
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,476
What is that - threesome?
165
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,432
Oh, my God.
166
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,552
Nobody says that any more.
167
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,232
OK, enough.
168
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:03,398
I told her. Everyone's going to think
she's Lance's secret daughter.
169
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,440
Well, exactly.
170
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,716
I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
171
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:12,874
Well, how are you bearing up?
172
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,434
Oh, um... OK, you know.
173
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,712
Well, I don't mean to intrude, but I've
got to drive back, I... really can't stay.
174
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,638
- Uh! I'm Susan Driscoll.
- Oh.
175
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:29,310
I knew Lance, um... Oh, a long time ago.
I hadn't seen him for years, but...
176
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,959
He was such a lovely man.
177
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,471
I just wanted to say.
He was such a lovely man.
178
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,910
Oh, i-i-i-it... It's OK.
179
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,313
Sorry.
180
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,641
No. Fine. I really won't keep you,
I've got to go, thanks.
181
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,834
Oh, my God.
182
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,076
Oh...
183
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,272
I just keep thinking, ' "Why? '"
184
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,152
His heart stopped beating, Miss Babs.
185
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,992
- How are you, though, mate?
- I'm OK.
186
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,792
Mind you, everyone thinks it's my fault.
187
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:14,840
Nonsense.
188
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,029
- No way!
- No.
189
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,433
I'm jealous.
190
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,074
You're so fucking tragic, I'd love it.
191
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,917
You can't say that!
192
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,313
We're all thinking it.
193
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,999
It must be magnificent,
having all this sympathy.
194
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,439
I'd be wearing a cape.
195
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,357
Heads up, have you seen?
196
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,591
His name's Troy - 20, from Hull.
197
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,676
Studying Economics in MMU.
198
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,233
Wish me luck, I'm going in.
199
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,315
Too late.
200
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,439
I scarce can take it in.
201
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,597
I was never that good. Never.
202
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,551
Oh, come on, you were pretty once.
Weren't you?
203
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,600
Were you?
204
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,074
Were you?
205
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,235
Hey, hold on.
206
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,080
What did he say?
207
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,434
He doesn't do over 21.
208
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,550
Ooh!
209
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,352
Oh, it's not over.
210
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,469
16.
211
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,879
No way!
212
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,548
You lot can fuck off.
213
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,757
Look, I'm so sorry. Look, take a seat
here, I'm going to get you a drink, OK?
214
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:36,118
I thought we'd seen the last of this -
funerals at too young an age.
215
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,958
I thought we'd... beaten it.
216
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,036
Well, we're headin' for 50 now.
217
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,275
It's a world of terror beyond that, boys.
218
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,914
- A world of fucking terror.
- It's started already.
219
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,509
I looked at my skin this morning.
It looked like the city of Homs.
220
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,154
Tell you what, do you know the worst thing
about getting old?
221
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,349
Oh, don't, Cliff, not today.
222
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,391
Hairs. We get hairs.
223
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,476
That's nothing new, we all get hairs.
224
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,999
No, I mean hairs on your cock.
225
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,873
Not the base, but on the shaft,
like, halfway down.
226
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,832
Sticking out the middle
like a... branch on a mug tree.
227
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,030
And the older you get,
the more they sprout -
228
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,672
sticking right out of your cock.
229
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,838
And they're long and they grow fast,
like a bolted lettuce.
230
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:17,635
They just appear, out of nowhere,
overnight, bang!
231
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,477
Cock hairs.
232
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,639
Halfway down. Protruding!
233
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,353
It's hard to see when it's nestling.
234
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,594
Isn't it different with us, though?
235
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,155
Well, I'm perfectly trim, years
of maintenance gone into this.
236
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,749
I don't believe it's possible,
the shaft has no capacity for hair.
237
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,877
Oh, Christ almighty...
238
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,797
- What? What is it?
- You bastards.
239
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,195
Come on, Raymond. Come on!
240
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,879
It's just a stray hair, isn't it?
241
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,473
Give it a pull.
242
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,229
You...
243
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,838
fuckers!
244
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,833
Oh, Raymond, oh!
245
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:17,995
Oh, don't worry, mate.
246
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,312
You all right?
247
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,193
- I'm fine, I'm just...
- Oh, yeah. Yeah!
248
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:02,989
What?
249
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,472
I feel as if I've eaten too many eggs.
250
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,272
Everybody wants to see me cry.
251
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,398
They're just waiting.
252
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,555
Like they need it.
253
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,436
Well, they can bugger off!
254
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,273
Last night,
I thought I was going to drown.
255
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,475
We're closed, mate. Sorry, move on.
256
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,393
Coffee.
257
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:59,153
So, Lucy moved out.
She moved back to Wythenshawe.
258
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,430
- This place was way too expensive.
- How much?
259
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,516
- Interested?
- Dunno.
260
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,518
Yeah. The flat's gone weird
since the murder thing.
261
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,028
It was on the news again last night.
Changed his plea.
262
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,877
It never stops.
263
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,840
All right, he's dead, OK,
I didn't even know him.
264
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,440
Do you know what the worst thing is?
I'm Henry's best friend now.
265
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,754
Mm, God, I hate that.
266
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,234
Cos I was there when they phoned,
the police.
267
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,829
And, I mean, it was terrible, yeah.
A golf club!
268
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:23,880
Toom!
269
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,549
But it's like we got forged together
by mistake and I'm stuck with him.
270
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,389
Shag him and then... he can move on.
271
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,953
Do that again.
272
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,638
I like that.
273
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,911
I don't care, though!
That's the truth, I don't.
274
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,150
I just sit in that flat, all sad face.
275
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,720
I'm telling you now, right down
deep in my heart, I do not care.
276
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,800
How much?
277
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,910
The rent's 500.
278
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,509
Then there's the electricity, plus the
service charge, so it's an extra 150.
279
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,959
No way, I can't afford that.
280
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,320
You could always ask your dad,
he could lend you the money.
281
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,549
Yeah. But...
282
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,480
Christopher.
283
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,359
When do you need to know?
284
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,709
As soon as you can.
We've got to fill that room.
285
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,591
Hey, Freddie, how you doing?
286
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:12,474
Saul, you wimp, how's things?
287
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,640
Carrie Anne said you knew that guy
with the golf club.
288
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,268
I was his love rival.
289
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,469
Looks like you won.
290
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,433
Yeah... that's what tends to happen.
291
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,629
Nice to see ya.
292
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,954
Mm-hm.
293
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,831
Nah-ah-ah... A bit more.
294
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:36,749
I'll see you later.
295
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,317
- Oh, my God!
- I know!
296
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,873
Fucking hell!
297
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,434
- I'll move in.
- You mean it?
298
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,199
Seriously, done, I'll take the room.
299
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,832
That lot can fuck off.
300
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,838
The woman at the bank
was quite nice. Well, she was a bit brisk.
301
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,440
You'd think they could train them
to show a bit more sympathy.
302
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,276
But I think I should find myself
a solicitor... just in case.
303
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,992
Yeah.
304
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,275
In case of what?
305
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,715
Just...
306
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,272
- This is nice.
- Mm. And mine, it's lovely.
307
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,914
So, a solicitor, to?
308
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,838
Sort things out and handle
the sale of the house, I think.
309
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,677
We're selling it?
310
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,554
I think we have to. ' "Too many memories'",
that's what you said.
311
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,068
Well... Yes.
312
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,155
I say a lot of things.
313
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,798
You're out of work...
314
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,719
Lance was paying both halves of the
mortgage, I can't afford to do that.
315
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,228
But... But...
If you look at the bigger picture...
316
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,800
I know technically, half the house
is yours, technically, but...
317
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,315
...we'd been together almost ten years,
you just... You just kind of assume...
318
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,588
You think the house is yours?
319
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,278
You could argue that, yes.
320
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,073
Then we do need solicitors.
321
00:17:55,120 --> 00:18:00,035
If you're imagining some sort of...
common law inheritance, it doesn't exist.
322
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,674
No. But there's basic decency.
323
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,159
You're not the boyfriend, Henry,
you're the ex.
324
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,315
Look, I'm trying to find a way
out of this.
325
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,430
If you can buy my half,
that would be wonderful.
326
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,630
Good point, I'd love to,
but you've inherited all of my money.
327
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,468
- The account says Lance Sullivan.
- I told you, if you look at the dates,
328
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,795
Lance took our savings from
the joint account and he moved them
329
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:26,955
w-w-without my permission.
330
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,672
- And why did he do that?
- Well, out of spite.
331
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,676
- Uh-ho-ho, a nice way to remember him
- No, it wasn't just that, look...
332
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:36,795
It was all sort of fraught and we both
said all sorts of things, but...
333
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,115
that's my money - £32,000 -
334
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,515
and I know, in my heart,
he would have given it back.
335
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,198
Except he died.
336
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,277
And that's not my fault.
337
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,152
I'm sorry, but it's not.
338
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,075
OK.
339
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,156
- It's not!
- OK.
340
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,395
It's not my fault that he's dead.
341
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,919
- So you keep saying.
- How is it my fault?
342
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,995
He wouldn't have been in that room!
343
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,951
Did-Did I kill him, did I?
344
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,070
W-W-Was it me?
345
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,350
Did I pick up that thing
and bash his brains out?
346
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,960
Did I do that, Marie, was that me?
347
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,958
Or was it Daniel Coltrane,
who Lance went to see for sex?
348
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,919
Where am I in that room?
Tell me, where am I?
349
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,039
Was it my fault, though?
350
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,793
No.
351
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,916
Sorry.
I'm very sorry, but it had to be said.
352
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,518
I know.
353
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,712
So, we can talk about
transferring the money back.
354
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:49,829
No.
355
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,075
But it's mine!
356
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,192
I have a daughter in Boston
and the course is expensive.
357
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,878
It's not anyone's fault, it just is.
358
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:58,920
But now...
359
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,433
...Lance can take care of her.
360
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,036
I think that's lovely.
361
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,274
I think that's nice.
362
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,749
I'm sorry, but I do.
363
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:18,239
So...
364
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,919
I'll get a solicitor. Yes?
365
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,359
Hey, we're not all good!
366
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,595
What am I doing, though?
367
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,755
We can always get some people.
368
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,631
This is Freddie.
369
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,752
This is Maureen and Floss.
That's Maureen, that's Floss, they're new.
370
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,631
We've moved into Violet's old place.
371
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,511
Just brought round
a cheeky little bottle of wine
372
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,358
to apologise in advance for any noise.
373
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,231
OK.
374
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,076
Oh, he's too cool for fucking school.
375
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,554
- You've got a pet albino.
- Oh, my God, you can stay!
376
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,110
Anyway, we're still unpacking,
better get back.
377
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,958
It's nice to meet you
and sorry for your loss, Henry.
378
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,228
Thank you.
379
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,633
Come on over once we're settled.
380
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,193
Freddie...
381
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,639
Monsieur.
382
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,269
Bye, guys.
383
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:23,829
They were nice.
384
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,996
Yeah, look, favour, OK? I need ten quid.
385
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,075
I know, and I will.
386
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,712
But, listen, Aiden's out tonight.
387
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,035
All I need is ten quid,
I could buy him a drink, and then. Bap!
388
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,548
Hold on, I've got an Aiden
on my favourites. Is it the same one?
389
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,353
Aiden with an E? Welsh? Aged 24?
390
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,118
Shit, it's the same man.
391
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,878
Please, don't wank over him, Mr B.
392
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,030
- Have you messaged him?
- I can't, in case he blocks me.
393
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,038
You're the only one who can shag his
favourites. The rest of us have to stare.
394
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,274
There he is.
395
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,231
- Had him?
- Nope.
396
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,998
Nice, he's new.
397
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,598
So, why don't you go find him?
398
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:54,989
What for?!
399
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,430
A man like that is never
going to shag a man like me.
400
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,630
- I could have him.
- Well, yeah.
401
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,477
Fat lot of good that does me.
402
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,351
I could get him for you.
403
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:06,953
I could, though.
Do you want me to?
404
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,912
Yeah, you'd say, ' "Meet my friend, '"
and he'd run a mile.
405
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,154
Maybe.
406
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,839
OK. I might have to throw myself in as
part of the deal, then he'd be interested.
407
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,438
Yeah, like that's gonna happen!
408
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,755
Offer's there. One time only.
409
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,275
Why would you do that?
410
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,552
A gift, for the widow.
411
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,473
We could find him with this.
Says he's five miles away.
412
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,317
There's a gay pub in Prestwich,
he could be there.
413
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,349
Or if we go five miles south,
414
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,914
- he could be in Didsbury.
- Grindr doesn't work like radar.
415
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,029
It's not not radar, is it?
416
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,197
It says you're... 33 feet away!
417
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,231
Exactly, it doesn't say
I'm ten miles away, it's close!
418
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,395
Oh, why don't we try?
419
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:43,555
Cos you can sit there
420
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,433
and think of reasons why not
and then cry-wank yourself to sleep
421
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,268
or you can come with me
and get hard and dirty.
422
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:51,548
It's my gift.
423
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,594
What's it gonna be?
424
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,797
- Is it working? Have you found him?
- Can't get a signal.
425
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,432
- He's out of range for me...
- Just keep refreshing it!
426
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,550
What do you think I'm doing?
Got him! No!
427
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,989
Shit, it's gone up!
It says he's seven miles away now!
428
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,360
Wrong way, turn around! Go south!
429
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:11,875
Three miles away!
430
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,194
Oh, my God, it's working.
431
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,549
If it's a Friday, in Didsbury,
he's gone to the Kettle.
432
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,511
Maltings Road.
433
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,589
We're in feet!
434
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,598
It says he's 4,500 feet away.
How far is that?
435
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,959
That's the Kettle. Definitely.
436
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,760
We're not seriously
going to do this, are we?
437
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,671
Oh, my God!
438
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,637
What are you gonna say to him?
439
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,073
Oh, bollocks!
440
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,236
- Shit.
- Fuck!
441
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,350
- One mile away.
- The bastard!
442
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,753
He's on the move!
443
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,273
It says three miles again.
444
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,960
Yeah, but look, there's loads of
boys at three miles, you know why?
445
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,274
It's three miles to Canal Street.
446
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,878
We'll never find him there!
447
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,639
Oh, my God! 30 feet, 30 feet, 30 feet!
448
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,557
- Fuck! Where can I park?!
- I know, turn left!
449
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:23,953
Left here!
450
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,477
360 feet now, where's that?
451
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,239
New Union. Could be G-A-Y.
452
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,280
Oh, shit!
453
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,878
Oh, no way!
454
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,114
Fuck!
455
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,160
Get in!
456
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,037
Bollocks!
457
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,992
It's OK.
He's not going anywhere in this.
458
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,474
I bet he's in Manto's.
459
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,670
They've got that LGBT fundraiser.
460
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,039
What a night!
461
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,149
We'll get him.
462
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,480
I always think it sounds like a sandwich,
LGBT.
463
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,512
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
- Lettuce, gay bacon and tomato.
464
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,712
They've added a Q - we're supposed
to be LGBTQ these days.
465
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,638
Lettuce, gay bacon,
tomato and... quince.
466
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,193
No. Not as funny.
467
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,676
- What is quince, anyway?
- It's a plant.
468
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,711
I know it's a plant.
I didn't think it was an animal.
469
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,309
I'm not going to be chased down
the street by a wild quince, am I?
470
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:20,713
I fancy a sandwich.
471
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,716
I think I'll have...
472
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,990
Chicken on curly kale.
473
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,158
Me, too. I'll have cock.
474
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,111
- Large or small?
- Large, thanks.
475
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:32,718
I'll have a really big cock.
476
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,034
Supersize it. Massive.
477
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,071
Nice big cock on crusty white.
478
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,155
I'll have...
479
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,477
...focaccia under curly kale, thank you.
- ' "Under'"!
480
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,238
I haven't got much time,
could I have a really fast fuck, please?
481
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,554
Is that for takeaway?
482
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:45,920
No, I'll have my fuck right here.
483
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,916
I'll tell you what I want for lunch,
484
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,757
I want a...
485
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,678
beef, apple, lemon, lettuce sandwich.
486
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:56,759
Is that hot or cold, sir?
487
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,119
Oh, gotta be hot!
488
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,515
I want big, hot balls in me mouth,
fast as you can!
489
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,951
I went out with Julie Bisme
for three years.
490
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,479
But we never really did anything.
491
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:11,873
We'd lie on her bed and fumble.
492
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,035
Then I'd go home.
493
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,399
What about you?
494
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,873
No. Snogged a few, that's all.
495
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,275
Can I ask? Is it easier with a girl?
496
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,992
Like when you have sex properly?
497
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,758
Cos my mate Terry says,
'"You can deny it all you like,
498
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,720
'"but men and women are designed to fit
together properly.'" Is that true?
499
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,516
Well... slightly.
500
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,109
- Really? Do you think?
- We're not supposed to say so.
501
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,600
The lettuce and gay bacon police
will have me arrested, but...
502
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,159
...yeah, you kind of...
503
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,235
click.
504
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,952
Then again,
505
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,594
that's the best thing about sex with men.
506
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,995
It's harder to fit.
507
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,234
It's the battle, do you know what I mean?
508
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,474
- Yeah!
- Getting those legs in the right place.
509
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,875
- Then going in. Bam!
- Oh, man!
510
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,838
Lance had a girlfriend.
511
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,233
Only the one, when he was 18.
512
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,920
But he always said he loved her.
513
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:01,833
She was at the funeral.
514
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,554
Susan Driscoll.
515
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,879
I didn't recognise her name.
He used to call her ' "Suzie Carlisle'".
516
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:12,759
After all these years.
517
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,474
I should've spoken to her.
518
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,312
I should've got her number.
I should've run after her.
519
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,349
But I didn't.
Do you know why I didn't stop her?
520
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,833
Because I was too embarrassed.
521
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,279
In front of all those people.
522
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,198
I didn't want to run,
cos everyone was looking at me.
523
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,549
So, I just let her go,
in case I looked like an idiot.
524
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:35,640
We never fucked.
525
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:37,795
Me and Lance.
526
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,358
I've never fucked anyone,
527
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:42,958
I've never been fucked.
528
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,718
I've never had penetrative sex,
529
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,955
I've never had any sort of fuck
whatsoever.
530
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,313
No, but you must've had...
531
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,669
I think about it all day long,
but I've never done it, OK?
532
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,119
So, no,
533
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,879
I don't know about the legs...
534
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,036
and the battle and the arsehole.
535
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,514
I haven't got a clue. I don't know
the first fucking thing, all right?
536
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:06,879
And that's what drove him away.
537
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,148
I come too soon.
538
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:10,669
What?
539
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:11,994
Every time. I can't help it.
540
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,155
30 seconds and I pop.
541
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,119
Right. OK.
542
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,720
I can wank for about three hours solid,
but fuck me and I'm off...
543
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,433
Yes, look, I've just said something
I've never said before,
544
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,836
so if you could just...
Actually, if you could not be premature,
545
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,000
right this minute, Dean,
that'd be marvellous, thanks!
546
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,755
- What about you?
- What about me?
547
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,916
I'm a virgin. He comes too soon.
What have you got?
548
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,794
No. Nothing.
549
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,159
Oh, you're perfect, aren't you?
550
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,838
- I could be taller.
- So, who's Christopher?
551
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:45,438
- Fuck off.
- Yeah, who's Christopher?
552
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,038
- I said, fuck off.
- Is he your brother?
553
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:48,718
Your parents mentioned a Christopher.
554
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,193
Really, fuck right off!
555
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,992
So, did your parents chuck
you out of home, Dean?
556
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,155
- Really, did they?
- Yes, they did!
557
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,720
- What do you mean?
- Ask him yourself!
558
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,716
- God, you're a bastard!
- Is that not true?
559
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,796
- Leave me alone!
- Did they chuck you out?
560
00:28:58,840 --> 00:28:59,909
Yes!
561
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,239
Oh, my God, you made it up.
562
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,350
Oi! You've never been fucked,
let's talk about you!
563
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,080
- I can't believe you did that.
- Piss off!
564
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:12,154
Of course you made it up...
565
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,156
I'm going, in a... minute.
566
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:17,749
Cos you do. Like when I was young.
I'd cop off, and someone would say,
567
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,634
like, Cleo, she'd say, '"How was last
night? '" and I'd say, '"Cor! '"
568
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,150
You know, with a little mime,
569
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:26,599
as if he can barely walk.
570
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,312
As if I'd fucked the life out of him.
571
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,157
I did it for so long,
I forgot I was lying.
572
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:35,595
Who's Christopher?
573
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,029
No-one.
574
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,311
If we'd found that man tonight,
what would you have done with him?
575
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:54,272
Everything else. I mean, I'm not a virgin.
I'm seriously not.
576
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:55,720
I've done a million things! Just...
577
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,471
...everything except fuck.
578
00:29:58,520 --> 00:29:59,635
Well...
579
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:03,315
...that's all right. I suppose.
You don't have to.
580
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,715
Exactly. Lots of people don't,
it's not just me.
581
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,910
Yeah, that's fine, if you're happy.
582
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,598
- Are you happy?
- But it's brilliant,
583
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:12,312
- up the bum.
- Thanks, Dean
584
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:13,793
That's the reason I come too soon,
cos it's lovely!
585
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:15,068
OK!
586
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,120
Did you ever try?
587
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,192
Yes, it hurt.
588
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,514
But that's for like 30 seconds.
589
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,198
- It's more than 30 seconds.
- It's a lot more.
590
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,878
Actually, that's a great 30 seconds.
591
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:28,069
But get past that.
592
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,639
And it's...
593
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:31,999
everything.
594
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:34,559
It's like a whole world, Henry.
595
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:35,800
Why didn't you just try again?
596
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,520
I don't know!
Why does anyone do anything?!
597
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:40,309
But do you actually want to fuck?
598
00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:42,635
- OK, just leave it now.
- No. Cos...
599
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,600
If you're having a wank, say...
600
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,039
You're imagining two men.
601
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,479
Let's go for the obvious,
you've got Harry Judd
602
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,159
and Dougie Poynter on board the tour bus,
cos everyone's imagined that one,
603
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,077
even David Cameron's tossed himself
off thinking about that, yes?
604
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:55,189
- Oh, yeah!
- Yep.
605
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:56,600
What are they doing, in your head?
606
00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:58,835
They have sex.
607
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:00,518
Oh, my God, they so have sex.
608
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:02,357
- But do they fuck?
- Yes.
609
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:03,628
What do they do?
610
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:06,629
Harry fucks Dougie.
611
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,074
Really, really hard.
612
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,080
- On the back seats.
- And that's penetration?
613
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,316
He is right inside him.
614
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:17,952
And that turns you on?
615
00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,228
Yes.
616
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:21,349
So...
617
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:25,400
So, the act of fucking turns you on
and you've never, ever done it.
618
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,037
- Yes.
- Jesus Christ! Why not?
619
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,559
Lance said...
620
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,112
I don't know. He said it was shame.
621
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,117
So... so where was he in all of this?
Did he fuck?
622
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:44,800
He wanted to...
623
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:48,472
...for nine years.
624
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:49,748
Oh, my God.
625
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,630
I used to think,
he'll sneak off one day
626
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,875
and have secret little fucks
with someone else,
627
00:31:57,920 --> 00:31:59,399
and that'll be brilliant.
628
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:01,955
Oh, the relief!
629
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,913
But he was too good,
wasn't he?
630
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,039
He was so good,
he put up with me all that time!
631
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,799
And I'm never gonna find anyone
like him again...
632
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,312
... and I told him to wait!
633
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:33,239
I told him,
634
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:34,872
I said to him, '"Wait...
635
00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:37,832
' "...cos I'm gonna come back! '"
636
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:41,870
I was always gonna come back!
637
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,395
All he had to do was wait,
638
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,271
and it's not fair!
639
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:57,669
It's OK.
640
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:08,628
Why didn't he wait?
641
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,152
I still don't think it's my fault.
642
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,792
- Oh, give up!
- Oh, no!
643
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,990
I know I'm supposed to say,
' "It's not my fault, '"
644
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:44,712
and then...
645
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,593
scurry off into some dark little corner
and think, ' "It is my fault.'"
646
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,551
But bollocks to that!
647
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:52,160
Cos, yes, I could've done this
and I could've done that, all right,
648
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:53,918
but I have looked, I promise you,
649
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,838
I have absolutely searched
in every part of my soul,
650
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,313
and I'm...
651
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,638
I'm sorry but it's not my fault,
so you piss off!
652
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,477
I have never liked you more.
653
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,397
Yeah, well, you can piss off, too!
654
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:28,108
Do you know what?
655
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,037
I think we've got it wrong,
in all honesty.
656
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:33,798
I think it's Dougie who fucks Harry.
657
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:35,034
Yeah.
658
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:39,153
Cos that's the first thing about fucking,
Mr B. It's never quite the way you expect.
659
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:42,078
- Am I having lessons now?
- Oh, it's about time.
660
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:45,317
Who's gonna have me?
Never mind that I'm 46 and bereaved.
661
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,749
- Now I've got to be deflowered.
- Freddie's still on offer.
662
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,552
' "One night only.'" That's what you said.
663
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,556
That's true, you actually said it.
664
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,238
Could you do it, though, Freds?
665
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:54,838
I could. Absolutely.
666
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,154
What, with me?
667
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:59,351
Look at me! What the hell
is gonna turn you on?
668
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,311
Sometimes sex itself is sexy.
669
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:03,715
Really?!
670
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,468
God, you've got so much to learn!
671
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,750
Well, teach me, then, you bastard!
672
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,711
Go on, put him out of his misery.
673
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,960
- You're like a charity!
- Yeah, that's me, that's me...
674
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:21,869
What?
675
00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:24,749
Nothing.
676
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:31,593
Is something funny?
677
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:35,078
' "Aiden. 24. Versatile.'"
678
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:37,991
You just missed
the best night of your life.
679
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,951
Well, it's not too late...
680
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:43,672
if you wanna ditch your mates.
681
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:48,993
Nah, fuck it.
682
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:50,598
We're going home.
683
00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:58,392
Oh, I'm knackered.
684
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,676
- See you, then.
- Night.
685
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,352
♪I'm on a light up in the sky
686
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,310
♪ Smiling down as if I'm you
687
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:32,990
♪ We will someday be
688
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,873
♪I will someday be
689
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:39,276
♪ We will someday be
690
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:44,191
♪I will someday be
691
00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:46,959
♪ We would someday be. ♪
692
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:19,755
No.
693
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:25,040
Good.
694
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:44,440
Hi.
695
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,708
Hiya.
696
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:47,796
- Henrico.
- Morning.
697
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:54,516
So, what's today, then, chaps?
698
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:57,472
Dunno. Cinema? I've gotta see Lucy.
699
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,715
Then I might punch anyone who says
' "chaps'".
700
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,400
And after that,
I might even cook tonight.
701
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,510
- Oh, my God, you never cook.
- Yeah, well, let's see.
702
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:04,993
If I get a better offer, you can sod off.
703
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:07,993
- Who's that?
- We're all in.
704
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,156
I know, so who's that?
705
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,750
Morning, boys. Don't mind us.
706
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,109
- Who the fuck are you?
- Robbie, kitchen. Alan, with me.
707
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:20,152
Hey! Where are you going?
Hey! What are you doing? Who are you?
708
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,589
Oi! That's my room!
709
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:24,471
Get off that, it's mine.
710
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,555
What the fuck are you doing?!
711
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:26,589
If you could just stand back, mate.
712
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:27,993
That's my stuff!
713
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,313
Argh!
714
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:35,148
If you could just stand back,
as requested, sir Thank you.
715
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:36,235
Get off!
716
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,111
Argh!
717
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:39,195
Fuck off!
718
00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:40,992
Just fuck off!
719
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:45,832
S-Sorry, wh-where are you going?
720
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,598
Look, where do you think you're going?
721
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:49,840
Wha...
722
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,155
- Oh, no, you don't.
- I don't give a toss, mate,
723
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:57,237
you've got two minutes to get out, OK?
724
00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,555
Just give it. Give it!
725
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:00,999
Give it!
726
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:02,792
Argh, stop!
727
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,274
Don't, don't, don't!
Freddie, stop it, don't!
728
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,150
Oh, like you'd fucking dare, you coward!
729
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:15,315
Fuck you!
730
00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:17,271
Well, Roderick says,
do yourselves a favour and get out.
731
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:18,514
But he's the landlord.
732
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,788
He is, and as of this moment,
733
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,593
he declares that his premises
have been illegally occupied.
734
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,598
Your property is henceforth his property
735
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,279
and you are all required
to leave this building immediately.
736
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:29,878
Robbie. Car. Nice and quick, eh?
737
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:30,989
He's not even a proper landlord!
738
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:32,712
- I'm phoning the police.
- Great!
739
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,432
Me, too!
740
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,833
That's mine, you bastards! It's my flat!
741
00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:47,393
Look at me! Look at me!
742
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,475
I'm going to fucking deck you!
743
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,637
- They just walked in!
- I know! They did it to us, too!
744
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:54,553
Oh, my God, he tried to kill me!
745
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:56,636
- Literally, I almost died!
- Which one?
746
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:57,749
That one over there! Him!
747
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:01,635
- Oi!
- No, don't kill him! Don't!
748
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,477
Scotty, don't! Stop it!
749
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,314
All right, all right, all right! OK, OK!
750
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,351
What are you doing?!
751
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,072
We just moved in yesterday!
752
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,793
Roderick said it was fine,
he gave us the fucking keys!
753
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:14,875
This was yesterday!
754
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:15,989
Jonjo?
755
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:17,871
I might have a little bit of work for you.
756
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,399
Calico Warehouse.
757
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:22,029
Who's in charge here?
758
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,479
No idea.
759
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,713
You can stop that right now.
760
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:29,079
Police! Here are the police!
761
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,315
OK, quick. This man took my laptop
762
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,476
and my speakers and then he assaulted me.
763
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,159
I entered my client's property
and found this young man high on drugs.
764
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,634
Oh, fuck off! Fuck off, you liar!
765
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,231
Told you that place was dodgy.
766
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,589
Turns out, you're an allotment scheme.
767
00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:58,313
It's recession economics,
started in New York.
768
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,238
Property gets frozen, in dispute,
so you fill it with tenants.
769
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,111
The kind of tenants
who don't ask too many questions.
770
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,594
Keep the rent low,
so no-one asks for a contract,
771
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:07,471
then you stand back
and you watch them flourish,
772
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,671
with their iPads and their smartphones
and their widescreen TVs.
773
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,039
And then...
774
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,229
...you harvest them.
775
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,113
All of your stuff will be on sale
in a pub in Ordsall by 12 o'clock,
776
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,800
and there is nothing you can do about it.
777
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,279
In six months' time, they'll start again.
778
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,072
Plant new seeds.
779
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:23,872
I've got nothing left.
780
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,593
You're a fucking disaster! Mwah!
781
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:28,676
Hey, hey, hey! Break it up!
782
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,109
Oh! Duty calls.
783
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:33,230
- Fuck off, you fucking!
- Hold on!
784
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,750
I represent that man, I'm his solicitor.
Not the face!
785
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,598
Oh, by the way. Did you notice?
786
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:41,437
- What?
- No crutches!
787
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,153
- Oh! Well done.
- Thank you.
788
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:47,600
I'm trying to tell you.
No, no! You don't need to!
789
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,316
So, that's it.
I've got nowhere else to go.
790
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:15,793
And I thought, ' "Well, Marie won't mind.'"
791
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:17,876
Cos we're like family, aren't we?
Really? You and me?
792
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:19,831
I mean, we've had our ups and downs,
but that's OK,
793
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:22,792
and this old house has got
more than enough spare bedrooms.
794
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,956
And Lance would be happy
to think of us, together.
795
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,389
In fact, he'd laugh.
He'd laugh his head off.
796
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:28,839
Do you remember that laugh?
797
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,279
Because I miss him, Marie.
798
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:33,198
I miss him with every beat of my heart!
799
00:44:33,240 --> 00:44:35,071
So, you should stay!
800
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,315
Cos the house belongs to both of us,
801
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,158
I worked out this joint ownership thing,
it's easy.
802
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,077
You can have the upstairs,
and I can have the downstairs!
803
00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:43,120
No.
804
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:44,309
I've got Saul, he's here!
805
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:45,873
Almost done, Mr B!
806
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,558
20 seconds, meatballs!
807
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:48,828
Counting down!
808
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:49,995
Oh, and if you don't like it -
809
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:51,951
and call me psychic,
but I suspect you might not -
810
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:55,310
then you can get your solicitor
to talk to my solicitor!
811
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:56,554
Oh! Don't mind me.
812
00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,353
- Welcome home, sweetheart!
- Mwah!
813
00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:01,356
You've met my solicitor, remember?
814
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:02,435
He's over... there!
815
00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:06,029
He's the one with the pants on his head!
816
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:09,436
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh... ♪
817
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:15,914
♪... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
818
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:17,951
♪ Oh
819
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:21,470
♪I'm not superstitious, about ya
820
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:25,798
♪ But I can't take no chance
821
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:28,877
♪ You got me spinnin', baby
822
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:31,718
♪ You know that I'm in a trance
823
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:34,752
♪ Cos your love, is better
824
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,833
♪ Than any love I know
825
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:41,713
♪It's like thunder, lightning
826
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,191
♪ The way you love me is frightening
827
00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:50,837
♪ You better knock, knock, knock, knock
on wood
828
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:52,393
♪ Baby
829
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:57,514
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
830
00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:59,232
♪ Baby
831
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:02,875
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
832
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:05,559
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
833
00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:08,512
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
834
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,836
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
835
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:15,156
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
836
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,795
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
837
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:22,435
♪ Think I better knock, knock, knock
on wood
838
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:23,993
♪ Think I better knock
839
00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:27,118
♪ Ooh
840
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:28,752
♪ Baby
841
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:33,351
♪Ahhh
842
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:35,038
♪It's no secret
843
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,389
♪About it
844
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,159
♪ Cos with his loving touch
845
00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:42,839
♪ You better knock, knock, knock on wood
846
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:45,872
♪ Think I better knock, knock on... ♪
847
00:46:51,720 --> 00:47:01,720
Ripped By mstoll
58878
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.