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0
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,711
- For Christ's sake, go home.
- Oh, don't you start!
1
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,990
There's this bloke at work.
2
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,315
Here's my number - better strap
that whopper down, mate.
3
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,395
What are you looking for, then?
4
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,510
- Someone like you.
- He scores!
5
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,472
All my life I've been scared of the man.
6
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,717
- Does this mean you're a virgin?
- I'm really not talking about it, OK?
7
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,591
Freddie. Nice to meet you at last.
8
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,235
- Sorry.
- That's OK. We're all mad.
9
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,669
You're meeting him eight o'clock,
Saturday night, I used your photo.
10
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:28,720
Got you a date.
11
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,199
I've got a date.
12
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,280
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
13
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,675
- Can you breathe?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
14
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,073
- Clive!
- Sorry!
15
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,396
I'm not even Scottish, it was this
stupid website thing, this...
16
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,509
kilt fetish.
17
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,235
I'm Rupert. My real name's Rupert, hello!
18
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,918
Right. Rupert. Nice name.
19
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,758
Sorry. I'm babbling.
I just get so excited!
20
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,313
Cos all that stuff you told me, online.
21
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,477
I have to say, Henry, I love a man who
knows exactly what he is.
22
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,560
And what is that again?
23
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,713
Power bottom. Cheers!
24
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:32,197
So, if I phone Transport,
the request has to go through Steven.
25
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,072
They've doubled his workload.
26
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:42,198
Although, technically,
Steven asked for the requests.
27
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,399
That's not how he sees it.
28
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,359
So it was Sanjay's idea,
to ask you out. He dared me.
29
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:54,029
Yeah, you know we had a thing?
Me and Sanjay. Last year.
30
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,000
- Just for a couple of weeks.
- Yeah, he told me.
31
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,314
And that's OK?
32
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,873
It's cool.
33
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,990
It's not like... too cool?
34
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,715
Cos, like... Some girls,
a couple of times,
35
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,320
the fact that I go with boys...
It's, er...
36
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,555
It's like a trophy.
37
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,797
Hold on. Pulling you is like
winning a trophy?
38
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,637
Fuck off.
39
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,671
And that's Alannah. That's her.
40
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,075
Alannah. Wow.
41
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,509
God knows what she sees in me.
42
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,551
We've been together for six months.
43
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,955
She's absolutely gorgeous.
44
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,798
Does she know about tonight?
45
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,193
No, do you think I should?
46
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,595
Oh, my God, no. No way!
47
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,438
Do you know what the maddest
thing of all is? The Rescuers.
48
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,710
Someone at Disney went mad that day,
they said,
49
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,796
' "Let's do a film about a mouse.'"
50
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,558
It's like edging.
51
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,272
This Henry of yours is edging.
52
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,629
You've seen the edging websites?
53
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,319
And that's my secret.
It's called oil-pulling.
54
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,998
Every morning,
I take a mouthful of sunflower oil,
55
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,508
and I keep it in my mouth for 20 minutes.
56
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,916
Cos he moves in with this boy,
who he's never gonna have,
57
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,030
and maybe that's the whole point.
58
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,354
He can edge instead.
59
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,676
And this mouse is like Zsa Zsa Gabor.
In a big hat.
60
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,153
No swallowing,
just 20 minutes in my mouth.
61
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,316
And the oil draws out all the toxins.
62
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,793
I'll tell you what the worst thing
of all is.
63
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,512
- Secateurs.
- Oh, my God.
64
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:10,993
I haven't had a cold for three years now.
65
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,554
And what does this mouse do?
Well, she rescues people.
66
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,875
And that's it! That's all it is!
67
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,831
- That's a very deep cut.
- Ouch.
68
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,029
How mad is that?
69
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,310
Whole thing is a great big edge.
70
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,238
Never cut yourself with secateurs.
71
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:30,754
Right, there's a bit of a step.
72
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:31,869
Where? There?
73
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,672
That's it, yep, careful now...
74
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,233
You're wasting petrol.
75
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,480
So zis appartement of yours,
is it close by?
76
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,520
Je me demande.
77
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,199
It's not far. 15 minutes' walk.
78
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,595
I hope you have a good relationship
with your neighbours.
79
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,640
Why's that?
80
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,955
Because I am gonna ride ze ass
of Henri, mon ami,
81
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,629
until you whimper and squeal like ze pig.
82
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,593
You will not have a comfortable shit
for ze whole of next week, monsieur.
83
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,835
Well... Bon.
84
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,393
To the man who got us here...
85
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,509
Daniel.
86
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,472
I've been swimming with him.
I've been in the changing rooms.
87
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,953
Seriously?
88
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,877
He is packing it.
89
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,593
To be blunt,
I'd let that man fuck me senseless.
90
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,598
As hard as he fucking wants.
91
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,755
Do you want another?
92
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,836
We could go back to mine.
93
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,074
Great.
94
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,793
Good. You can be Daniel.
95
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,479
Come on! It's simple enough!
96
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,397
I just want to know,
what's the difference
97
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,919
- between men and women?
- Don't do this.
98
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,474
- I'm just asking!
- No, no, no, don't...
99
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,318
I mean, like now, sitting here, on a date,
with a man,
100
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,432
with a woman, what's the difference?
101
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,311
All right. The one, obvious thing?
102
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,278
If I was on a date with a man,
right now...
103
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,515
I'd be absolutely, 100%,
104
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,632
cast-iron guaranteed to have sex.
105
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,718
No. Can't see any difference.
106
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,512
OK. There you go, thank you very much.
107
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,755
- Hope you had a good time.
- Yeah, it was great, thanks.
108
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,679
Food was lovely. Now it gets complicated.
109
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,836
- OK. Well, good luck, I suppose!
- Thanks.
110
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,071
We don't have to.
We can just say good night.
111
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,792
If you want.
112
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,592
I don't know. I'm terrified.
113
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,756
- Oh, my God, really?
- Just a bit.
114
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,597
Look, you can go home, I don't mind.
115
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,313
I mean, we've been friends for
so many years now.
116
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,237
We can just write this off
as one mad night.
117
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,679
No.
118
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,153
No, let's keep going.
119
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,954
Really. It was my idea in the first place,
so let's just... do it.
120
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,638
Jesus Christ. The romance is killing me!
121
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,193
The hotel, then?
122
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:33,629
Yeah.
123
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,918
I'm so gonna fuck you.
124
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,554
Ah... Now.
125
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,673
Cliff's got a theory...
That's my solicitor, Cliff.
126
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,154
He says they've got to keep
the electricity on,
127
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,556
or they'd lose their rights
in arbitration...
128
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,637
Oh, man, I can't wait any more!
129
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,159
I'm sorry, I'm dying for this.
130
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,872
Aren't we all?
131
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:45,595
You're in charge.
You tell me what you want.
132
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,471
Mr Power Bottom!
133
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,080
Well. Where to start?
134
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,759
It's good to have guidelines,
don't you think?
135
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,598
Cos some of those positions can go
spectacularly wrong!
136
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,153
Don't want to break anything now, do we?
137
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,350
That would be terrible.
138
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,233
And look.
We don't have to do anything fancy.
139
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,714
All I want is a nice, hot fuck.
140
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,796
With a nice, hot man.
141
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,478
That's you, by the way!
142
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,918
Ta-daaa! Rupert the Bare!
143
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,599
That is... healthy.
144
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,517
- All yours.
- Lovely.
145
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,391
So, where do we start?
146
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,594
Yes, it's funny, cos...
147
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,916
straight people think the top's got
all the power, don't they?
148
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,359
But it's the opposite, isn't it?
149
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,789
Cos the bottom controls the fuck,
doesn't he?
150
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,592
- You've got it!
- Good.
151
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,598
Because... I have decided.
152
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,677
I only give this arse
to someone who deserves it.
153
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,836
And I'm not sure about you, yet.
154
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,672
Really?
155
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,597
Oh, my G...
156
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,517
Um... is there something
I didn't do, or?
157
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,352
Let's find out.
158
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,672
Sit down.
159
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,555
Tell me all about yourself.
160
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,310
So, then, when we do fuck...
161
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,792
...it'll be so much more intimate, yeah?
162
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,274
We'll have real penetration.
163
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,356
Of the mind.
164
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,756
Wow, yeah.
165
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,837
So, come on, drink.
166
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,552
There we go.
167
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,555
So. Rupert.
168
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,477
Start with your childhood.
169
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,433
There's just one thing.
170
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,708
You OK?
171
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,558
Yeah. I should've said.
I don't want to do anal.
172
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,953
If that's OK.
173
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,155
OK.
174
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,791
What?
175
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,115
- That's cos I go with men, yeah?
- No.
176
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,230
It's because I go with men. Isn't it?
177
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,793
You think that means
I fuck everything up the arse.
178
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,034
No.
179
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,629
It's because every man I ever meet
wants to fuck me up the arse, these days.
180
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:08,829
They expect it!
181
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,156
This isn't about you, Freddie,
I just think...
182
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,509
...I think men like fucking
women from behind
183
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,993
so they don't have to look at our faces.
184
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,792
Seriously?
185
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,434
I do. I really do,
it happens more and more.
186
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,755
They'd rather fuck me
looking at the back of my head.
187
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,509
OK.
188
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:27,959
Sorry.
189
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,155
I blame Michael Bay.
190
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,111
How does that work?
191
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,630
He casts all those women with flat faces.
192
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,836
Their faces are literally flat.
193
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,519
Like they've been
pressed into a wall, from behind.
194
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,198
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
195
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,595
It's like they're designed from the back.
196
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,438
His camera just goes round their arse,
197
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,519
so they can be fucked from behind with
no eye contact. Face against the wall.
198
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,077
And then what happens is,
all those boys see those movies,
199
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,908
every single boy, right across the world,
200
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,473
then they all go out,
201
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,354
every Saturday night, and they all
think they can get the same thing.
202
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,996
The flat-face fuck.
203
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,873
That's not me.
204
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,069
No.
205
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,120
I mean it.
206
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,910
That's not me.
207
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,074
Is that OK?
208
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,395
Of course it is.
209
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,634
Are you sure?
210
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,672
Look, whatever you'd do at this stage,
just do it.
211
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,358
You'd put your hand down there, yeah?
212
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,392
- Yeah.
- OK.
213
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,918
- There.
- Thank you.
214
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,360
Is that all right?
215
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:13,795
Fine.
216
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:20,954
There's no need to pat me.
217
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,228
I'm not.
218
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,158
You're patting me.
You're actually patting my vagina.
219
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,200
I'm stroking.
220
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,032
You're not feeding the pony.
221
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,116
I'm being careful.
222
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,993
You don't need to be careful.
I said so, didn't I?
223
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,031
You're not the first hand
to go down there,
224
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,595
I've checked it out myself,
it works, it more than works.
225
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,280
I've got a Viagra.
226
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,354
Oh, that's nice(!)
227
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,709
No, it's not personal, don't be like that.
228
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:51,760
It's just...
229
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,190
...this is slightly unnatural,
it might help.
230
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,639
OK. Go on.
231
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,432
It's in my washbag.
232
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,312
Sorry.
233
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,794
We can keep going.
234
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:16,840
Never mind.
235
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,190
I shouldn't have asked you in
the first place. Let's just have a cuppa.
236
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,595
But... I've taken it now.
237
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,155
Right.
238
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,315
Got it.
239
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,672
Come on. Hard as you like.
240
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,593
No.
241
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,915
Seriously. It's been ages.
Fucking hammer me.
242
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,109
No, I mean,
243
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,309
no.
244
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,839
Sorry...
245
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,949
...but I really mean no.
246
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,238
What is it?
247
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,191
Shit.
248
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,151
I'm sorry.
249
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,077
Shit!
250
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,714
Nine years with Henry
and not a single fuck.
251
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:00,838
Not even once?!
252
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,838
We had sex. We did all sorts of things
but he wouldn't fuck,
253
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:04,995
and he wouldn't be fucked.
254
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,871
And, yeah, I put up with it.
255
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,639
That's a bit mad.
256
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:11,874
OK,
257
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,876
yeah, I know it's mad, sorry.
258
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,956
I dunno. I've this friend called Max,
259
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,309
he won't let anyone touch his dick.
260
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,271
- Not ever.
- So, what does he do?
261
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:23,153
Well, apparently it's the best sex ever.
262
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,236
You lie there, he does all the work.
263
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,433
I'm really sorry.
264
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,475
But... you fuck?
265
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,317
I have done. I mean, I can.
266
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,112
Then fuck me.
267
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,160
You fuck me.
268
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,792
I seriously can't.
269
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,910
It just doesn't work.
270
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,439
Literally. I lose it.
271
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,109
I promise you, I've tried it
a million times, I just go soft.
272
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,673
Two bottoms, no top.
273
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,316
Oh...
274
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,634
Couldn't you, though?
275
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,671
- Just tonight?
- Look,
276
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,756
you're really nice and this was great.
277
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,479
I don't think it's the big romance though,
do you?
278
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,954
- Not really.
- I could still fuck you, but...
279
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,310
...I've waited for nine years.
280
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,318
That's nine years of waiting
for the sex that I want and...
281
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,351
...I can't fake it for one more night.
282
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,391
Honestly, I can't.
283
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:23,675
Christ...
284
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,358
...I want to get fucked.
285
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,675
We're gonna fuck you, you little whore.
286
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,473
I'm gonna choke you with my big fat dick.
287
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,956
Then I'm gonna take hold of your
tiny, little dick and I'm gonna...
288
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,319
Shamrock!
289
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,112
- What?!
- Shamrock!
290
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,912
- No way.
- No, no, don't.
291
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,635
- Don't.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Fuck!
292
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,440
Oh...
293
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,791
You could've warned me.
294
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,114
He did say ' "shamrock'".
295
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,593
What's the point of a safe word
296
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,868
if you don't use it in time?
297
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,478
That's how people die, that is.
298
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,748
It's your fault.
299
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,518
You're too hot, both of you.
300
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,560
Fucking hell.
301
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,393
Are you OK?
302
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:10,228
Yeah. Great. Sorry about that.
303
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,271
Thanks though, it was brilliant.
304
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,709
How long till you can do it again?
305
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,671
Half an hour?
306
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,711
OK. I've taped EastEnders.
307
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,274
You've recorded it.
There's no tape any more.
308
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,550
I've recorded it, then.
309
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,238
Might be more like an hour.
310
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,633
Oh...
311
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,910
I've kind of lost the urge a bit, now,
to be honest.
312
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,155
I've got all that paperwork tomorrow.
313
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,191
So, how do I get home?
314
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,992
No, you might as well stay
the night now,
315
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,920
I can drive you back in the morning,
no worries.
316
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:42,831
I fancy some toast.
What do you think? Who wants toast?
317
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,354
And he looked up, great big smile,
318
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:52,315
and he says, '"No, I'm full,
but thanks for the smoky bacon crisps! '"
319
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,353
I love my job.
320
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,550
I do, I love it.
321
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,195
That Bus Priority Package
is going to revolutionise Manchester.
322
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,310
Revolutionise it!
323
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,952
But people don't listen!
324
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,915
Even my own mother...
325
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,315
You keep coming back to your mum.
326
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,828
She was a spiteful woman.
327
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,077
All you wanted was a good shafting
328
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,315
and here I am, going on about my mother.
329
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,679
That's OK.
330
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,074
Oh, God,
331
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,873
you're the most powerful bottom
I ever met.
332
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:28,920
You've, like...
333
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,837
reduced me.
334
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,519
You've made me this fucking mess.
335
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,715
You...
336
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:37,795
are amazing!
337
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,193
C'est moi.
338
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,470
And I think you need
to get something to eat.
339
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,873
Oh, can't we just fuck?
340
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,593
No offence,
but you're crying over your mother -
341
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,029
it's not the hottest thing in the world.
You're a little bit too drunk.
342
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,117
I think you need some food...
to mop it up.
343
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,593
What have you got?
344
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,835
Nah...
345
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,916
we're in the middle of town,
346
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,279
let's go and get a burger.
347
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,992
But I'm exhausted.
348
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,190
Well, it'll waken you up!
349
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,275
Come on!
350
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,117
Follow the bottom!
351
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,512
Did he like it?
352
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,595
Sanjay?
353
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:11,920
What?!
354
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,320
Being fucked?
355
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,711
Oh, now you like it(!)
356
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,149
Tell me. What did you do to him?
357
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:26,913
I fucked his tight little arse.
358
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,029
Tell me!
359
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,229
I went inside him.
360
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,872
Deep.
361
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:31,920
Hard.
362
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,632
Tight.
363
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,557
Right up inside his guts.
364
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,909
Oh, Sanjay. Fuck. You hot...
365
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,996
little... fuck.
366
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,073
I was his first.
367
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,675
Able Road, thanks, mate, M20.
368
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,075
You bastard.
You complete and utter bastard.
369
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,390
I've just had the worst night
of my life, and it's all your fault.
370
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:01,395
Why, what happened?
371
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:02,953
Did he have AIDS?
372
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,115
Oh, fuck off.
373
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:05,832
- What was it, what went wrong?
- I'm not telling you.
374
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,519
- I think you get off on this stuff.
- Are you at home?
375
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,560
I'm in a cab.
376
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,956
Well, I am halfway through
a bottle of whisky. Come on round.
377
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,960
It's Saturday night, for fuck's sake,
let's do it.
378
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,389
I'm flat 6, Whitwell Court,
it's on Stretford Road.
379
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,159
Change of plan, mate. I'm going to
380
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,713
Whitwell Court, Stretford Road.
381
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,229
Don't let anyone tell you
that midwives are lovely.
382
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,238
She saved Adam's life.
She did, she saved him.
383
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,748
And... she cut me open
384
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:41,119
from my vagina to my anus.
385
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,275
Jesus!
386
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,912
- She was saving his life.
- I know,
387
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,235
- but...
- The whole thing was so...
388
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,077
angry. That's what I'll never understand.
389
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,839
She stitched me back up
like she was punching me.
390
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,440
I'd no idea it was that bad.
391
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,799
Well...
392
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,956
15 years ago, now.
393
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,468
And then there's this silence.
394
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,714
For years.
395
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,069
Everyone just shrugs it off. They all say,
396
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,839
'"Oh, it's never quite the same,
once you've given birth, down there.'"
397
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,074
I'd see doctors and nurses
398
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,554
and they'd all say,
' "Oh, it's never quite the same.'"
399
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,875
Women. Every single woman I know,
they all said,
400
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,717
' "Oh, it's never quite the same.'"
Every single one of them.
401
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,433
But... then you had Molly.
402
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,392
Oh, I was working. It was all functional.
403
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,715
Even then, with Molly,
they laid me back and had a look
404
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,716
and the doctor said,
' "Oh, what happened to you? '"
405
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,036
And I explained. And they all said,
' "Oh, it's never quite the same.'"
406
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,868
Like that's OK.
Like all that damage is natural.
407
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,592
Like it's worth it.
408
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,996
Exactly. That's the price you pay,
for having kids, that's the deal.
409
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,873
And then it reached the point
three years ago,
410
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,751
where I couldn't stand up
without needing to piss.
411
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,598
I mean, I didn't know, but it turns
out everything was collapsing.
412
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,955
And then, I saw this doctor.
413
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,911
By chance, this locum,
414
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:49,995
out of the blue.
415
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,032
And she was young.
Thank God, she was young.
416
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,470
And she said...
417
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,272
' "What the hell have they done to you?! '"
418
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,038
She literally said, ' "Oh, my God! '"
419
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,197
She looked between my legs
and said, ' "Oh, my God! '"
420
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,356
Good for her, though.
421
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,594
Oh, absolutely!
422
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,392
She had me rebuilt.
423
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,351
She sent me to this consultant,
he said,
424
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,312
'"Mrs Whitaker, I can give you
the vagina of a 17-year-old.'"
425
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:14,395
Cue many jokes.
426
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,317
Um...
427
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:17,429
And it worked!
428
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,392
After all these years, I'm brand-new.
429
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,271
And then I let you down.
430
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:23,514
No.
431
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,357
No, you didn't.
432
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,073
Well. We didn't complete it, did we?
433
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,553
- The road test.
- Oh, Brian,
434
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:31,113
stop it. No, that's not your fault.
435
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:36,394
No. I just thought I'd wait
for the right man to come along.
436
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:37,440
And then...
437
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,109
...I kept waiting.
438
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,399
It's funny. My brother's got all these
hang-ups about his body, and I thought,
439
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:47,560
' "I'm no better than him! '"
440
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,673
So...
441
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,792
I looked back 26 years...
442
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,312
...and I chose that man with
the really good kiss.
443
00:23:58,360 --> 00:23:59,873
Oh, here we go,
444
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:02,639
it must be getting late,
if you've started saying all nice things.
445
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,632
You can bugger off now, go on!
Go home.
446
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,113
How's that Viagra?
447
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,434
They've got a porn channel.
448
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,115
I'll leave you to it.
449
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,953
Thank you, sweetheart. I love you.
450
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,274
I love you, too.
451
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,071
So I'm the fucking enemy, back home.
452
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,758
The divorce is all my fault.
453
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,756
I mean, all right, I played around,
I'm not denying that,
454
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,916
but only because she was asleep
every fucking night.
455
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,509
We had sex like, every three months.
I put an X on the calendar at work.
456
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,118
An X for every night we had sex.
457
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,718
Four Xs in one year.
458
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,433
So, you played around. Like what?
459
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,311
Nothing special. Girls at work.
460
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,749
- Girls? Plural?
- Yeah.
461
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:51,915
You dirty dog.
462
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,757
There was this one girl. Work experience.
463
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:54,949
Started on a Monday morning.
464
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,275
By ten past two in the afternoon,
she was sucking me off.
465
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:58,389
No way?!
466
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,749
Ten past two. Locked the door.
On her knees, fingering herself.
467
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,268
18 years old, how was I gonna say no?
468
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,878
Did you put it on the calendar?
469
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,356
Big fucking smiley face, mate.
End of the month, 31 smiley faces.
470
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:09,880
' "Did you put it on the calendar'"(?)
471
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,353
We should go to bed.
472
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,400
Yeah.
473
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,070
Oh, I am raw. I'm fucking done in.
474
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,190
- Time I went home.
- No, stay the night.
475
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,639
I'll get a taxi.
476
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,114
No, it's Saturday night, it'll take
hours and I'm not waiting up.
477
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,957
- Stay!
- I'll try Stretford Cars.
478
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,194
Stay the fucking night!
479
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,238
Come on, then.
480
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:43,675
There you go.
481
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,678
- But that's your bed, yeah?
- So?
482
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,790
- I'll go home.
- Fuck's sake.
483
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,070
It's a one-bedroom flat,
what else are we gonna do?
484
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,997
Don't be such a girl and get in.
485
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:09,998
Right...
486
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,758
That...
487
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:15,998
is me... sorted.
Don't fucking snore - I'm up at seven.
488
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,235
- But I'll sleep on the floor.
- Oh, shut up!
489
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,633
Look, you should have the bed.
490
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,159
- I can go and sleep on the settee.
- What for?
491
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,758
- Cos it's easier.
- What does it matter?
492
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,028
Look...
493
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,033
- I'll just go home.
- Christ, you don't half witter.
494
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,718
Now, get to bed, you poof!
495
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:30,875
And don't stare.
496
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,475
All right?
497
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,355
Oh! I'm the nasty one, am I?
498
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,473
I'm the nasty one?!
Then what does that make you, Clive?
499
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,398
Sweetheart! Don't!
You said he was hot, didn't you?
500
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,398
Well, didn't you? You said it first!
501
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,590
Don't do this. Don't you dare...
502
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,354
- Oh!
- Mon brave!
503
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,356
Ha-ha-ha!
504
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,073
- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.
505
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:24,348
- Are you all right?
- Ça va?
506
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,595
Oui, ça va bien, merci, you dickhead.
507
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,437
Zis is mon ami Henri.
508
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,232
- All right, Henry?
- Trés bien.
509
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,840
You've picked up the lingo.
How did you end up with this nutter?
510
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,029
I just got lucky.
511
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,196
I'm Leigh. That's Charlie. That's Essex,
512
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,356
Maypole, Dickie, Bob.
I don't know who he is.
513
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,992
- Nice to meet you.
- You owe me, Rupert, you're buying!
514
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,600
I will honour ze Charlie boy
wiz the pommes frites!
515
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:44,834
Et un burger!
516
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:45,915
Do you want anything?
517
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,109
- No, I'm fine, thanks.
- OK.
518
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,748
I've got a little something.
I kept a little something back.
519
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:31,078
Henri, zey have changed their minds,
zey desire ze Chinese instead,
520
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,473
do you want to come, mon ami?
521
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,273
- No, I'm fine.
- Vous êtes sûr?
522
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:36,833
Absolument.
523
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,592
Thanks, yeah?
524
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,232
See you around.
525
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,034
Hey, hey, mes amis, mes amis, wait for me!
526
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,116
He say, ' "All for one and one for all.'"
527
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:51,152
What kind of musketeer bullshit is zis?
528
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,594
I don't like Chinese.
Do you mind, can I sit with you?
529
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:25,200
- Oh, I was just gonna go.
- Oh,
530
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:26,559
don't leave me on my own.
I'm only having chips.
531
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:27,715
You sure you don't want anything?
532
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,352
No. Honestly.
533
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,519
OK, er, I'll have a coffee.
534
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:34,754
Black.
535
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,199
Coffee it is. Look after that.
536
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:14,278
Only me.
537
00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:16,958
Party was shit.
538
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,195
- Who's your friend?
- Tomasz.
539
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:22,232
OK. Night, then.
540
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:23,280
Mm...
541
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:48,233
You bastard! You fucking bastard!
Are you happy now?
542
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:54,594
Are you? You've fucking ruined
my relationship. You fucking bastard!
543
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:29,272
I copped off with this bloke, once.
544
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:30,673
And he pissed in the bed.
545
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,838
L-I don't mean he wet himself. I mean
he stood up and had a proper piss.
546
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:36,916
Then got back down and went to sleep.
Lying there!
547
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,030
Oh, my God!
548
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,513
And I still fancied him.
549
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,398
I had this one bloke...
550
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:46,440
...he ran away.
551
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,552
He actually ran.
552
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,114
I got him back to mine, I went for a piss,
553
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,434
I heard the front door go,
554
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,119
I looked outside and I saw him
running down the street.
555
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:57,912
- Did he take anything?
- No.
556
00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,439
That was the point.
557
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,789
I ran back down, thinking,
' "Oh, my wallet! It's gone! '"
558
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,991
No, it was still there. It would have been
better if he'd nicked it.
559
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,474
He was just running away from me!
560
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,272
That's brilliant.
561
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,073
Actually running.
562
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,751
I thought I'd finished with all this.
563
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,635
Battling through shit,
just to end up with crabs and chlamydia.
564
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:25,638
Hey, now, don't turn me on
with your sexy talk.
565
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:30,392
How old are you?
566
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:32,351
40. What about you?
567
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:33,913
46.
568
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:34,960
Are you too young?
569
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:36,274
Cos...
570
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,880
back in the '80s,
if I had a one-night stand
571
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,673
and then, a couple of days later, I'd get
a bruise on my leg or something...
572
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:42,914
No, and me, that was the '90s, too.
573
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:44,320
You'd think you were going to die?
574
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,396
- Oh, yeah.
- That was terrifying.
575
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:49,951
Walking around for days, thinking...
576
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:53,395
...' "I'm dead.'"
577
00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:58,511
As if sex isn't scary enough.
578
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:03,999
We grew up with that.
579
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:06,994
Those fucking icebergs.
580
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:14,549
Still...
581
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:16,795
some of those nights can be good.
582
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:21,475
OK...
583
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,999
Sorry.
584
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,793
That was kind of cheesy, yeah?
585
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,353
You shouldn't bother with me.
586
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,998
Really. Seriously. Fuck off.
587
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,550
I've told those stories for years.
588
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,679
The man who pissed the bed.
589
00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:02,472
The man who nicked my computer.
590
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:05,680
The Canadian.
591
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:11,348
And the punchline was...
592
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,028
...men are mad.
That's what I'd say - men are mad.
593
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,078
But it wasn't them, it was me.
594
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:26,040
I was the mad one.
595
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,713
- It's like tonight, with Rupert.
- Well, Rupert is mad.
596
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:33,113
I know, but...
597
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,593
Oh...
598
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:35,993
he's nice, isn't he?
599
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:38,349
Oh, I think he's hot, yeah.
600
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:39,549
He was lovely.
601
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,160
All that daft French and everything.
602
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:45,959
I really liked him.
603
00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:49,869
So I got rid of him.
604
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,436
W-What do you mean?
605
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:01,117
I spend all this time wanting sex.
606
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,598
All the time. Every day.
607
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,115
And then I push it away.
608
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:12,113
I'm there, with Rupert...
609
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:15,280
...and I'm horny.
610
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,154
And at exactly the same time,
611
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,191
I'm working out all these...
612
00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:23,753
...strategies...
613
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:24,835
to get away from him.
614
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:26,313
To escape the sex.
615
00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:32,110
I swear, I can be so happy
not having sex.
616
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:33,309
Why's that?
617
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:38,480
I suppose...
618
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:41,874
...all those men, it's like...
619
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,035
...I created the circumstances
to get rid of them.
620
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,190
Even while I was horny as fuck.
621
00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:54,629
Y-You didn't make a man piss(!)
622
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,796
Huh, no. But still...
623
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,399
...I chose him.
624
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,396
I found a man drunk enough to piss.
625
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,829
You said you had that boyfriend.
626
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:05,836
And I got rid of him, too.
627
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,279
Took a long while,
628
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:08,389
but then...
629
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:11,520
...push.
630
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,114
I still don't get it.
Why do you push them away?
631
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:21,112
I don't know.
632
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:25,631
They scare me a bit, men.
633
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:28,360
Really?
634
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:31,755
Yeah.
635
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:39,674
Hmm.
636
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:43,120
I think
637
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,675
I kinda know what you mean,
a little bit, with the sex.
638
00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:50,076
Cos sometimes there is that pressure -
the pressure to have sex.
639
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:51,394
And you know why, don't you?
640
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,510
It's because there's too much porn,
these days.
641
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:54,560
Oh, tell me about it!
642
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,876
It wears me out. All those men,
and they're so hard all the time.
643
00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,035
Exactly!
644
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,071
And they're so good at it!
645
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,954
The trouble is, it makes me think that...
646
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,036
sex...
647
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:08,274
is for sexy people
648
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,276
and the rest of us can just...
649
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:11,912
- give up.
- Hmm.
650
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:13,473
And now it's worse, cos it's free!
651
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:15,988
I know! Yeah...
652
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:18,315
And where did all that
Japanese porn come from?!
653
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:19,839
- Well...
- Japan!
654
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:20,995
Yeah!
655
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:22,951
They must have changed a law
or something.
656
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,276
But every time a Japanese video pops up,
I think, ' "I don't fancy him.'"
657
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,151
But then I think, ' "Is that racist? '"
658
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,270
Porn is making me feel racist.
659
00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,959
I feel pressured into wanking over
Japanese footballers
660
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:34,228
just to prove I'm a nice man!
661
00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:36,077
I know, I know!
662
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:37,872
Oh, I can't cope.
663
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,071
I never could!
664
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,475
And it's all so technical, these days,
it's all...
665
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,274
top, bottom, vers, top can flip,
bottom can turn. Jesus! I mean,
666
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,471
a nice fuck is all well and good, but now
it's like we're fracking each other.
667
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,272
There's hydraulics involved.
668
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,834
And you know why, don't you?
Because it's all about the arse!
669
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:55,915
Whatever happened to the front?
670
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,518
I like the front!
671
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,393
Oh, I love the front!
672
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:04,479
But everyone thinks gay men
just fuck, fuck, fuck!
673
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:05,919
I actually think it's a form of prejudice.
674
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,396
That we must fuck, and be seen to
fuck, or we're not gay enough.
675
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:12,233
And sometimes...
676
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,278
...I just want to have fun.
677
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:19,118
I just want to be with someone
and do ordinary things,
678
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,469
not bloody athletics.
679
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,351
I just want to be...
680
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:28,199
...happy.
681
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:31,434
I know exactly what you mean.
682
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,276
Oh... Oh-ho...
683
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:50,839
OK?
684
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,393
Yeah. Ha...
685
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:58,233
Thank you.
686
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:01,836
Cor!
687
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:03,199
There you are.
688
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:06,033
Yeah.
689
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,196
Nice to meet you, Henry.
690
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:09,514
You too...
691
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,714
...Leigh.
- Oh, aw!
692
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:17,196
It's Leigh, L-E-l-G-H, not L-double-E.
Just so you know.
693
00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:19,037
People always get that wrong.
694
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:21,310
What time is it?
695
00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:22,759
Oh...
696
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,031
- It's four o'clock!
- Oh...
697
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:29,832
Your turn.
698
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:33,319
Hey,
699
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,555
I'm knackered, don't take long.
700
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:39,358
Ah...
701
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:42,439
Oh...
702
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:53,077
Oh, this is amazing. Oh, my God.
703
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:54,838
How can you afford this?
704
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,711
It's all a total scam.
705
00:40:56,760 --> 00:41:01,151
Town Hall Mafia sort of thing.
We could all be arrested, any minute.
706
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,278
This is an old man who lives here
and won't leave.
707
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,231
Otherwise known as Henry.
708
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,191
- Hi, I'm Anna.
- Nice to meet you.
709
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,033
It went well, last night.
710
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,149
I didn't ask.
711
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:15,715
Freddie's too nice to say,
but he set me up on a date last night.
712
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:16,829
Oh, sorry.
713
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:20,475
Hi. Er, I'll just be...
bathroom, OK? Two minutes.
714
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:21,794
Sure, that's fine.
715
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:24,432
That's not the man from the photo.
716
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:25,595
No.
717
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:27,870
I dumped him, picked up someone else...
718
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,831
at 2am.
719
00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:33,359
- Pchoo!
- Oh, you boys.
720
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,752
How was last night?
721
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,153
Good.
722
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:48,520
It was good, last night, wasn't it?
723
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:51,909
We could, um...
724
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,391
...give it a go.
725
00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:57,475
What do you think?
726
00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,432
Yeah. I'd like that.
727
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:01,480
Great.
728
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:17,920
And you never even replied! Not once!
729
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:19,188
You didn't even text!
730
00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:21,310
How many times a day do you text me?
731
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:22,554
Every fucking hour!
732
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,079
Because you never reply!
733
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:27,000
Oh, this is the difference! You want
to know the difference?! This is it!
734
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,114
- How do you take your coffee?
- Just milk.
735
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,797
Thanks, then. See you in work.
736
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,068
Yeah, that was a good night.
737
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:40,314
That was a laugh.
738
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:47,597
See you.
739
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:50,758
Hiya.
740
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:52,916
Aw, you look nice,
741
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:54,359
I was just going to phone.
742
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,400
Good time?
743
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:57,670
Not bad. How about you?
744
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:10,637
It was absolutely lovely,
745
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:11,874
thank you very much.
746
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:13,353
- Come here!
- Argh! Put me down!
747
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:17,671
We could go to the cinema.
748
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,312
I like the cinema on Sundays.
749
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,918
If that's all right?
750
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,075
Yeah. Fine.
751
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:24,270
I don't want to get too heavy.
752
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:26,754
No. Sounds good to me.
753
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:32,233
Kids! Come and say hello
to your uncle's new boyfriend.
754
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:35,158
Oh, my God, not a new boyfriend?!
755
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:37,400
- Hello, new boyfriend!
- Henry has got a new boyfriend!
756
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,472
Or we could just stay here.
757
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:46,351
I don't mind.
758
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:48,874
I'm worn out.
759
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:51,758
Yeah, that'd be nice.
760
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:57,796
Oh! They've started. Sorry.
761
00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,831
That's what comes of living with kids.
762
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:02,878
It's all right. I'm used to it.
763
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,200
You should hear my neighbours.
764
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:08,760
Fucking Muslims.
765
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:21,000
Hey now.
766
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,036
Thank you very much, baby.
767
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:55,040
Hey now.
50493
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