All language subtitles for A.P.Bio.S01E02.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

.

- Mm, he's, uh--

he's on his way,
I just texted him, so--

- Nope.

Nope.

- All right, everybody.
Start to shut up.

Ralph, what brings you here?

- You're late.
I'm--I'm covering for you.

It's school policy.
You can't leave

these students unattended.

That's nuts.

- He literally leaves us alone
all the time.

- Just--just try to be on time.

- All right, yeah.
Totally.

Come on, dude.

Is it--ah! Just gonna get
some, uh

both: Hey!

- Uh, I need SunChips.
- We just discussed this.

You--you can't just leave
because you want chips.

- Ah, come on.

*

So I had
an interesting morning.

As I was pulling out
of my dead mom's driveway,

I turned on my number one NPR
voice crush, Terry Gross,

only to find that she was
interviewing my rival, Miles.

I was so distracted
by this injustice

that I accidentally
backed over a possum.

Specifically, his lower half.

He was flat
from about here down.

And he was shouting, uh,
a lot.

And this presented me
with an interesting

philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let
this animal slowly die

or to bash it to death
with a big wrench?

And once I'd done so,
I turned and saw

that one of the
possum's relatives

was staring right at me.

He witnessed the entire thing.

This presented me
with another beautiful

philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let
this new possum be driven mad

by what he'd seen,
or do I bash him to death

with a giant wrench as well?

Needless to say,
my morning became

a veritable killing field
situation.

And now I'm going
to have to power wash

my dead mom's driveway.

Yeah.
- Awesome.

- Sounds like you were
lashing out

'cause you were angry
that Miles has a best-seller.

- Marcus, you of all people
should be able to discern

when I'm lashing out.

- Maybe you should
write your own best-seller.

- I've considered that.

It's just difficult to get any
work done in this town,

with its possums
and their screams.

There was so much...screaming.

I need SunChips.

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time
well, I'll be smart *

*

You writing a book, Jack?

- Oh, just getting down
some thoughts.

- Oh, you know what
kind of books I like?

Sex mysteries.
- Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"

and "Girl on the Train."
- Mm-hmm.

- Anything where there's a girl
and she's missing

or ideally, dead.

- Yes, yes. Ooh, okay,
so you know what

your book could be about?

Three women who are best
friends,

but then the Asian one
gets taken.

For sex.

- Jack, come on!
- Oops.

all: Ooh!

- Dirty man!

- This policy is there
for your protection.

You're responsible if something
happens to one of your students

while you're out
toodling around.

- Ralph, Ralph, these kids
are teenagers.

You think they can't be left
alone for two seconds?

- Go!

What happened?

- He fell. We were playing
Jelly Bean Quidditch.

- Yeah, it's where you
stand on your desk

and throw jelly beans
in each other's mouths.

Where's the golden snitch?

- So nerdy.
- Ah--it--nerdy.

Victor?

You okay, buddy?
You wanna hop up there?

- You know,
this all happened

because Mr. Griffin
left us unattended.

He can't do that.
School policy.

- Yes, Sarika,
thank you for taking

what I said earlier
and shouting it at me.

Okay, let's take this
to my office.

- Concussion test.

Pupils not dilated.

Eyelashes are gorgeous.

That is not fair.
Gimme, gimme.

Impulse control.
On the count of three,

look right into here
and do not blink, okay?

Wah!

- Okay, this is bad.
All right, Victor

could be hurt,
the school could get sued.

It's--it's like
you only care

about yourself, Jack.
- Technically, deep down,

we all only care
about ourselves.

Psychological egoism.

I happen to care
about this school.

But--but yeah,
you don't respect that.

And--and frankly, I don't--

I don't think
you respect me.

- Oh, come on, Ralph.
You know we coo.

- No, I don't know that.
Are we coo?

- I'm gonna take Victor
back to class.

He's still a bit slow, but I
think that was already there.

- Ah, yeah.

- Wait, who's with
the kids right now?

- Oh, God, we left them
alone again!

- That's hilarious.
- Jack, plea--

Helen, go cover for me.
- I also called

the teacher's union and the rep
is here to see Jack.

- Which one--wa--not Kim.

Not Kim.

Oh, God, please not Kim.

Not Kim, please, not Kim.

Hey! Kim!
What's up?

- Jack, don't say another word.

Ralph, get out.
- The room is yours.

- No, I'm good.

- I'm freakin' addicted.

My name is Kim Burke
and as your union rep,

I am always on the side
of the teacher.

I don't care if you did
kill that kid.

I don't wanna know.

As I see it,
you have two options.

Or, as I like to call them...

doors.

Huh?

Door number one:

admit you're at fault,
take a one week,

unpaid suspension.

However, this could go
on your permanent record.

So--
- Eh.

- Then there's door--
or option--two.

We fight it!

You should know,
this could take a while.

Because there will be
an investigation.

Right, and while
all that's going on,

you won't be allowed
back in that classroom.

- Say more about that.

- You'd be in something
called teacher jail,

which is basically a trailer
where you sit around all day.

But that could take
a couple months.

- That's a long time
to not get paid.

You would get paid.

Full salary.

It feels wrong
sweeping this under the rug.

I'd be willing to stay
in that damn jail

for as long as it takes
to make this right.

Say the words, Jack,

and I will unleash the dogs.

- Kim...

unleash the dogs.

.

- This is teacher jail.

- Yeah, I bet I can guess
what some of these guys did.

- Right now, I'm taking you

off my team and handing you
over to the coach.

He's gonna take it from here.

- All right.

- Here's the rules, Kemosabe:

Number one, every day
you're here,

you've gotta sign in.

- Sorry, I was waiting
for number two.

Okay. All right.

*

Been through so much.

That's why Principal Durbin
has entrusted me

with the sacred duty to--
as he would say--

just take care of it, Helen.

So I went on my computer
and I searched

for every available sub
in the district.

And I think I found someone
that you're really gonna love.

Come on in, don't be shy.
Come on.

Tada! It's me.

You think I'd leave you guys
with a stranger?

I'm gonna teach you
what I know.

Starting with the gorgeous
velveteen labyrinth

that is the female
reproductive system.

This is my cervix.

Who can tell me the five things
that are wrong with it?

- Okay, ladies.

I'm trying to get a sense of
the culture around here.

Nobody?
- Mm-mm.

- All right, then.

Is everybody following
the supervision policy?

- I do. Other people may leave
their class sometimes.

Not me. Not even if
I have to use the bathroom.

I just control it.
- She's so dedicated.

- Oh, she's amazing.
- She's a queen.

- She has pooped her pants
a couple of times.

- I have.

But I just borrow
some red track pants

from lost and found.

I wash them
and put them back.

- Nobody wants those now.
- Let the lost be lost.

- Hey! Hey, Durbin!

Come back here! Durbin!

Where you going?

This is my dog chow.

- The dogs are loose.

- Jack wants to fight his case.

So you can just wipe that
smug look right off your face.

- Because you're weak.

And I don't trust you
with my teachers.

You don't deserve
to be their principal.

Just like you didn't deserve

to be captain
of the Glee Club.

- Okay, Kim, that was
25 years ago.

- I don't care!
- You gotta let it go!

- No! Mr. K felt sorry for you.

Everybody knows
it should've been...

* me

Yeah. I see you for what
you really are, Durbin.

You're no leader of men.

You're nothing but
a cutie patootie.

I may be a cutie patootie,

but I'm still the boss
around here.

And you were flatting.
Good day.

- Uh!

- Oh, my God.

- Mm-mm.

- Uh, I'm trying to come up
with ideas for a new book.

Philosophy--but I'm not quite
sure where to begin.

- Plato says, "All philosophy
begins in wonder."

- You know Plato.
- I dabble.

- Jack.
- Oh, Philip.

Homemade shortbread?

- Yes.

- Wow. Mmm.

What are you here for?

- I tickled some of
the other teachers.

I'm a tickler.
I love to make people laugh,

but I don't know any jokes.

- Hm.
- It only takes one person,

though, to call you
a teacher tickler.

And true or not,
you're ruined.

- Mm.
- You are ruined.

- Very much.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

So, what have you got
so far on this book?

- Ohh--
I don't know.

Something about
the distortion of the ego

that comes from late
capitalism's denial of death.

I mean, it may help
to have someone else

tickle the keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like that.

- Great. Let's dispel
some common myths.

Pull-out method.
Don't work.

Menopause, not real.

Vaginal orgasm,
gimme a break.

- I thought we were gonna
get a real teacher.

- I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Let me see.

Somebody maybe in the very,
very back.

How about, uh, Anthony.

Come on down.

Come on down, Anthony.
Oh, yes.

Come on. Now, Anthony,

I'm gonna say a part
of the female body

and I want you to define it
and then I want you

to point it out on me.

This is gonna be fun.

- Sarika, you have to fix this!

- This is way worse
than Mr. Griffin.

- Okay!

Ms. Demarcus, can Victor,
Grace, Colin and I

go to the bathroom?

- Yeah, the pass
is on the desk.

Anthony, perineum.

Keep goin'.
Keep goin'.

Keep goin'.

Mine's lower than usual.
Keep goin'.

- But this desire
for a so-called answer

reflects a society
obsessed with the, um--

uhh--

Ephemeral.
- Ephemeral, yes.

Yes, Philip, yes.

I'll tell you,
now that I have a clear thesis,

this book practically
will write itself.

I mean, I think we can have
a draft in a month.

- I do.

Can we talk?

- Uhh, yeah.
One sec.

- Look, this thing is getting
blown way out of proportion.

Jack, you know
you're in the wrong.

Okay, how about
a one day suspension?

- Uh, I don't know.

I mean, I think this--
this policy

really needs to be
examined.

I mean, these--these kids
are old enough to get pregnant.

They can't be alone
for two seconds?

- That's literally the reason

they shouldn't be left alone.

Look, it's one day, okay?

How about a--
a slap on the wrist,

we'll put the whole thing
behind us.

- Jack, my fingers
are getting cold.

I gotta go.

I'm so sorry, Ralph.
I don't like this

any more than you do.

.

- All right, Helen said
we could find

every sub in the district
on here.

If we find one we like,
maybe we can

go around her completely.

- If I see anyone coming,

I'll play "Baker Street."

- Uh, I think you know.

- Here we go.

Let's find the biology teacher
of our dreams.

Oh, here we go.
- I feel like he's too jacked.

[playing "Baker Street"
on saxophone]

- What the--

What the heck are you guys
doing on my Dell?

- We're looking for
a new substitute.

The truth is...

Principal Durbin
needs you even more than we do.

- Yeah. He's been through
so much.

- Go to him, Helen.

- You're good kids.

I'll get your substitute
for you.

Ralph! I got you!
I got you!

- We convince the board
your case has merit,

this thing could
drag on for months.

- Mm.
- You sure you're all right

with being in teacher jail?

- It's been a weirdly
productive situation.

- Mr. Griffin,
do you have any questions

before we begin?
- Um, yes,

are there more white grapes
coming or is this all there is?

That's all the grapes.

Principal Durbin,
your statement.

- Yeah, well, uh,
it's--it's pretty simple.

- Boo.
- I don't think that

there's any bad guys here.

We have a supervision policy.
- Sit down!

- He ignored it.
- Allegedly.

- And Victor got hurt!

- Kim, your statement.

- I want to tell you
about the most dedicated,

caring, hard-working teacher
I know.

Jack Griffin.

I--I mean, clearly,
he is suffering

and this is hard on him.

Right?

- I miss my little sweeties.

- Why are we persecuting
this man

when clearly, the problem
at this school

is this man?!

Principal Ralph Durbin.

Dirty Durbin.

Why aren't the teachers
following the school policy?

Well, maybe it's because
the principal

is asleep on the job.

- Okay, I'm clearly blinking.

Well, not according
to his Google searches.

- Okay, that's private.
- I'll allow it.

"Kokomo is it real"

Do we really want
a principal

who's daydreaming about

some fake paradise
in the Florida Keys?

- Well, why are the other ones
real?

Aruba, Jamaica--
- Principal Durbin

mowing the school lawn

wearing what is known
as a wife-beater.

- It was a Saturday.

- Oh! It's okay, everybody,
to beat your wife

on a Saturday.

Do we really think

that Principal Durbin
told Jack

about the supervision policy

when he can't even remember
to fix the sign

in front of the school?

Since I've been here this week,

I've noticed nothing
but a trail of destruction

on your watch.

Kids falling off of desks,

teachers defecating
in their pants,

and a Harvard professor
being micromanaged

by an incompetent,
little wiener.

But we have a chance

to be on the right side
of history.

Ladies and gentlemen,

fire the wiener.

.

- Oh--uh, can we just--

can we have a moment?

Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I
talk to you over here?

- Just--

can you just ease up on Durbin
a little bit?

I mean, I think we can
both agree as educators

he's not the problem,
it's the policy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cut the crap, Jack.

Okay, we both know
you love teacher jail--

being able to get paid
to write your little book

and play grab-ass
with the freaks.

You punk out on me now,
and all that goes away.

- I'm not punking out,
I'm just saying lay off Durbin.

He's a good guy.
- It's too late, Jack.

You let the dogs out.

All right, everybody.

On my next slide,
you're gonna see

Principal Durbin in full
Native American headdress.

- It--it was the '90s.
It wasn't bad yet.

- Okay, excuse me.
Can I say something here?

- Uh-uh, sit down!
- Just--

I have something to say, okay?

Kim...

Uh...tickled me.

!

- I'm sorry.
- She's a teacher tickler.

Yeah, she would wait
until we were all alone

and then she would just go
bananas all over me,

tickling me up and down.

Yep.

So take her away.

Jack, tickling is not

a punishable offense.

I'd call it
lightly frowned upon,

or awkward--
if people are watching.

- What--so no one cares
that she tickled me?

- Well then why is Philip,
the frickin' best guy I know

in teacher jail right now?

- That guy did more
than just tickle.

- Oh. What else did he do.

Dated.
- Yes.

- He dated the CPR dummy.

Look, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna come clean here.

I was out of the room
when the nerd fell,

and Ralph warned me about it.

It's totally my fault.
So can we just be done here?

- All right, Mr. Griffin
is docked three days pay.

- Yeah, and must remain
in teacher jail--

- And will return
to his classroom immediately.

- Ahh.

- This is not over, Durbin.

- My name is Mr. Vining.

I am your new teacher,
and I...

love biology.

Pretty soon,
you're gonna love it as well.

But not just love it,

you're going to understand it.

So let's not waste
another moment.

Our story begins

3.8 billion years ago.

In a humble puddle
of amino acid.

You may wanna write that down.

All right, chief.

I appreciate it,
but I got it from here.

- Oh. Okay.

Well, uh, fair enough.
- Yep.

All right.

- Wait.

- Well, I'm back.

Did you guys miss me?

Yeah

By the way,
I know what y'all did.

And, uh, no hard feelings.

- That little accident
with Victor,

I know you staged it.

It was just--

it was a little bit
too convenient.

You know, the way Victor

fell just after
Durbin mentioned

the supervision policy.

But I know Victor--

sweet, simple Victor
couldn't come up

with a plan like that
on his own.

He probably had
a little bit of help.

- I don't know
what you're talking about.

- "I don't know what
you're talking about."

Sure you don't.

Well, I gotta say, Serika,
you know, I'm impressed.

Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget

that even though you're
all dumber than me,

there's still some value
to your little brains.

Kinda cool.

Well, it's good to be back.

Oh. Who's this little guy?

So...guess you heard
I got out.

- Guess you heard
I'm not just a tickler.

- Philip, stop.

You don't need to explain
a damn thing to me.

- Well, I'm--I'm mad
you didn't tell me the truth.

There's no secrets between us.

And what is a friend,
but a single soul

dwelling in two bodies.

- Aristotle.
My favorite philosopher.

Well, second favorite now.

- Come here, you dumb perv.

Ahh!

Oh, come on!

Oh, you are so bad.

[playing "Baker Street"
on saxophone]

*