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1
00:00:06,849 --> 00:00:08,815
Do I look like somebody's
mother to you?
2
00:00:09,229 --> 00:00:10,539
Yes.
3
00:00:12,332 --> 00:00:13,332
No.
4
00:00:16,607 --> 00:00:17,710
Yes and no.
5
00:00:19,745 --> 00:00:20,985
Excuse me, won't you?
6
00:00:34,674 --> 00:00:38,949
♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do
7
00:00:39,086 --> 00:00:41,879
♪ Tell me who can stop my heart
8
00:00:42,017 --> 00:00:43,362
♪ As much as you
9
00:00:43,499 --> 00:00:45,672
♪ Let's take each other's hand
10
00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:48,740
♪ As we jump
into the final frontier
11
00:00:51,464 --> 00:00:53,016
♪ Final frontier ♪
12
00:00:59,704 --> 00:01:01,807
Honey, does this
look clean to you?
13
00:01:01,945 --> 00:01:03,738
Uh-huh.
14
00:01:03,876 --> 00:01:05,783
'Cause I was looking for
the green one, but I couldn't
15
00:01:05,807 --> 00:01:08,167
you didn't, by any chance,
get to the dry cleaners, did you?
16
00:01:09,771 --> 00:01:12,288
Well, I was gonna,
but then I gave birth.
17
00:01:12,426 --> 00:01:14,046
Okay. All right.
18
00:01:14,184 --> 00:01:15,839
Nuff said. Point made.
19
00:01:16,323 --> 00:01:17,392
Gotcha.
20
00:01:17,529 --> 00:01:18,529
What are you doing?
21
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:20,598
Writing a letter to Mabel.
22
00:01:20,736 --> 00:01:22,873
She's right there.
Just talk to her.
23
00:01:23,011 --> 00:01:25,597
It's for her to read
on her 18th birthday.
24
00:01:25,735 --> 00:01:27,700
Really? She's gonna
grow up so fast,
25
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:30,678
and I want her to know all the
things I was feeling her first few weeks.
26
00:01:31,252 --> 00:01:32,665
Oh, that's so sweet.
27
00:01:32,803 --> 00:01:34,843
Let me know when you're
finished. I'll sign it, too.
28
00:01:38,009 --> 00:01:39,353
Write your own letter.
29
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:40,802
What?
30
00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:42,380
This is private
between me and Mabel.
31
00:01:42,491 --> 00:01:45,215
Oh. Okay, okay.
32
00:01:45,353 --> 00:01:47,628
So, uh, what time do we
have reservations tonight?
33
00:01:47,766 --> 00:01:49,628
I told everybody
7:00. And don't be late
34
00:01:49,765 --> 00:01:51,190
'Cause then the
restaurant gets too crowded,
35
00:01:51,214 --> 00:01:52,558
and it's too noisy for the baby.
36
00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,627
She's really
something, isn't she?
37
00:01:55,075 --> 00:01:56,282
She really is.
38
00:01:57,006 --> 00:01:59,248
She looks so... wise,
39
00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:02,764
and yet absolutely
innocent at the same time.
40
00:02:02,901 --> 00:02:05,316
She's like this flesh
and blood expression
41
00:02:05,453 --> 00:02:06,660
of both our lives,
42
00:02:06,798 --> 00:02:09,866
but starting over with
limitless possibility.
43
00:02:13,555 --> 00:02:15,279
Yeah. See, I was gonna say
44
00:02:15,417 --> 00:02:16,486
she's small.
45
00:02:20,210 --> 00:02:21,890
All right, mom,
we'll redo this line,
46
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,254
and it will be the best
thing in the movie.
47
00:02:23,278 --> 00:02:24,358
Here's what we're gonna do.
48
00:02:24,485 --> 00:02:25,736
You'll watch the clip
a couple of times.
49
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:26,760
Yeah, and then what?
50
00:02:26,829 --> 00:02:27,909
And we'll just do a pickup.
51
00:02:27,967 --> 00:02:29,127
We'll re-record the last part
52
00:02:29,243 --> 00:02:30,460
that was drowned
out by the siren.
53
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,450
You can do that? You
can record just that part?
54
00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:34,552
Sure. And it won't
interfere with the rest?
55
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,518
No. Huh. Fancy.
56
00:02:38,518 --> 00:02:41,275
Once, Burt and I were
in a hotel in Florida,
57
00:02:41,413 --> 00:02:42,862
and I stepped into the elevator,
58
00:02:42,999 --> 00:02:44,206
and guess who's there.
59
00:02:44,688 --> 00:02:46,481
Ingrid Bergman.
60
00:02:46,619 --> 00:02:49,826
And she says something
I will never forget.
61
00:02:49,963 --> 00:02:51,240
She says to me,
62
00:02:51,860 --> 00:02:53,067
"Six, please."
63
00:02:53,894 --> 00:02:55,722
So what happened?
64
00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:57,239
I pressed six.
65
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,893
I told you it's not a story.
66
00:02:59,031 --> 00:03:01,239
It's a beginning of a
story, and it just stops.
67
00:03:01,376 --> 00:03:02,859
It has no point.
68
00:03:03,996 --> 00:03:05,961
What? The point is,
69
00:03:06,099 --> 00:03:09,444
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
70
00:03:09,582 --> 00:03:11,167
Do I really sound like that?
71
00:03:11,719 --> 00:03:13,064
You sound beautiful.
72
00:03:13,202 --> 00:03:14,202
Really?
73
00:03:14,306 --> 00:03:15,453
You sound like Julie Andrews.
74
00:03:15,477 --> 00:03:16,581
Don't be fresh.
75
00:03:16,719 --> 00:03:18,270
All right.
76
00:03:18,408 --> 00:03:20,028
When did I sound
like Julie Andrews?
77
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,373
When I said "elevator?"
78
00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:23,235
Exactly. I thought so. Yeah.
79
00:03:24,027 --> 00:03:25,267
All right. So that's all it is.
80
00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:27,096
Just practice the
line a couple of times,
81
00:03:27,235 --> 00:03:28,624
get comfortable, and
then when you're ready,
82
00:03:28,648 --> 00:03:30,382
give me a signal, and
we'll do it, okay? Yeah.
83
00:03:30,406 --> 00:03:32,026
Let me ask you a question. Yeah.
84
00:03:32,164 --> 00:03:35,578
If you found out that your wife
was writing a letter to your kid
85
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,060
that you were not
allowed to read,
86
00:03:37,198 --> 00:03:38,922
how would that make you feel?
87
00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,340
Why, I'd think it was very sweet
88
00:03:40,371 --> 00:03:41,956
and I had married
a terrific lady.
89
00:03:44,162 --> 00:03:45,242
No. You know what I'm saying.
90
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,610
Wouldn't it make you feel...
91
00:03:47,748 --> 00:03:50,092
You don't think it'd make
you feel excluded or even...
92
00:03:51,334 --> 00:03:53,241
No, excluded. Wouldn't it
make you feel excluded?
93
00:03:53,265 --> 00:03:54,678
No. I would understand.
94
00:03:54,816 --> 00:03:56,856
In fact, it might inspire
me to write my own letter.
95
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,264
You've really changed.
96
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,850
Hello! Mr. Demille!
97
00:04:01,988 --> 00:04:03,436
I'm ready for my pickup.
98
00:04:03,574 --> 00:04:05,883
Okay, ma, let's do it.
Here's what happens.
99
00:04:06,021 --> 00:04:07,263
You're gonna hear three beeps,
100
00:04:07,401 --> 00:04:08,883
and then you talk
on the fourth one.
101
00:04:09,021 --> 00:04:10,676
Why do we need beeps?
102
00:04:10,814 --> 00:04:12,642
Just so you can get ready.
103
00:04:12,779 --> 00:04:14,882
I'm ready. I got up, I
ate breakfast, I came.
104
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,261
I don't need beeps.
It's very confusing.
105
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:18,985
Well, that's the way they do it.
106
00:04:19,847 --> 00:04:21,847
No wonder movies
are so terrible.
107
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:25,587
Dare you to put a little
bullet in my head, all right?
108
00:04:28,846 --> 00:04:30,580
What? The point is,
109
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,639
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
110
00:04:35,845 --> 00:04:37,258
Button?
111
00:04:37,396 --> 00:04:38,845
Uh, good. You know what?
112
00:04:38,982 --> 00:04:40,476
Just try it again, and maybe
just a little more natural.
113
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,293
More like yourself. Here we go.
114
00:04:44,706 --> 00:04:46,199
What? The point is,
115
00:04:46,223 --> 00:04:49,153
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.
116
00:04:54,014 --> 00:04:56,600
You know, again. Just
maybe even more like yourself.
117
00:04:56,738 --> 00:04:58,980
Just talk like you. Here we go.
118
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:02,300
What? The point is,
119
00:05:02,324 --> 00:05:05,427
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
120
00:05:12,047 --> 00:05:13,080
Perfect.
121
00:05:17,219 --> 00:05:18,884
Let me ask you a question.
The word "bouillabaisse,"
122
00:05:18,908 --> 00:05:20,788
are there really like 11
Ls in the middle there?
123
00:05:20,872 --> 00:05:22,114
What are you doing?
124
00:05:22,252 --> 00:05:23,562
I'm writing my letter to Mabel.
125
00:05:24,527 --> 00:05:25,734
Bouillabaisse?
126
00:05:27,182 --> 00:05:28,389
Yes, bouillabaisse.
127
00:05:33,423 --> 00:05:34,561
How do you spell "Paella?"
128
00:05:39,974 --> 00:05:41,225
What did you write
that came so easy...
129
00:05:41,249 --> 00:05:42,800
Hey, hey, hey,
you can't read that.
130
00:05:42,938 --> 00:05:44,018
I don't care. It's private.
131
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,938
Okay, okay. Oh, deciton.
132
00:05:46,076 --> 00:05:48,706
I already know it's private, you
don't have to bark at me. I understand
133
00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:52,144
when something's private.
134
00:05:52,282 --> 00:05:55,322
I'm not the kind of person you tell
something once, you have to say it again.
135
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,695
Hey. You are pathetic.
136
00:05:58,833 --> 00:05:59,953
Wait a second. What is this?
137
00:06:00,039 --> 00:06:01,453
How could you?
138
00:06:01,591 --> 00:06:03,556
"If I ever denied you
anything, I want you to know
139
00:06:03,694 --> 00:06:05,212
how much it hurt me to do so
140
00:06:05,349 --> 00:06:07,694
though others, others always
seem to take the easy way out
141
00:06:07,832 --> 00:06:10,900
and say yes. A mother
sometimes has to say no."
142
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,555
How could you read
that? Wha... what?
143
00:06:12,693 --> 00:06:14,634
So in other words, a father's
just incapable of saying no?
144
00:06:14,658 --> 00:06:16,047
All right. Give me the
letter. A father's just
145
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:18,657
a big, mushy weakling
who can't help himself?
146
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,554
Place the letter in my hand.
147
00:06:20,692 --> 00:06:22,347
I can't believe you
talked behind my back
148
00:06:22,485 --> 00:06:24,243
to my daughter 18
years in advance.
149
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,828
I'm getting the baby
and we're going to dinner.
150
00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:31,277
Besides, that's
so not even true.
151
00:06:31,415 --> 00:06:33,104
I can say... I can say no.
152
00:06:33,241 --> 00:06:35,414
Whenever I want to,
as good as anybody.
153
00:06:36,414 --> 00:06:37,585
Hi, are you ready? No.
154
00:06:37,723 --> 00:06:39,344
No? You heard me. No.
155
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,413
We're ready. We're
ready, we're ready.
156
00:06:41,551 --> 00:06:42,895
Hi. Hi.
157
00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:46,240
Look at her. She looks like you.
158
00:06:46,377 --> 00:06:48,928
And like Paul. She
likes you and Paul.
159
00:06:50,101 --> 00:06:51,381
All right, do we
have everything?
160
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:52,549
You have snuggly? No.
161
00:06:52,687 --> 00:06:53,732
You don't have a snuggly?
162
00:06:53,756 --> 00:06:54,894
All right, take it easy.
163
00:06:55,721 --> 00:06:56,893
Hey. No!
164
00:06:57,031 --> 00:06:58,479
What? Just like that... no!
165
00:06:59,444 --> 00:07:00,893
All right.
166
00:07:01,031 --> 00:07:02,031
Paulie, for you.
167
00:07:02,168 --> 00:07:03,823
What is it?
168
00:07:03,961 --> 00:07:06,419
James got me thinking. I realized
I had some letters to write, too.
169
00:07:06,443 --> 00:07:07,478
Oh, no.
170
00:07:07,616 --> 00:07:08,823
James, one for you,
171
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,063
one for you, Joan,
and for you, Debbie.
172
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,442
And of course, one for Mabel.
173
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:16,373
Give me a kiss.
174
00:07:16,511 --> 00:07:19,028
It's your favorite
letter writing uncle.
175
00:07:19,166 --> 00:07:21,786
Now you cannot read
these letters until after I die.
176
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,314
Are you kidding me?
Now you're writing letters?
177
00:07:26,338 --> 00:07:28,129
You have nothing to
say to these people.
178
00:07:30,268 --> 00:07:31,440
What happens if we die first?
179
00:07:31,578 --> 00:07:33,658
Well, if you're dying or
have a premonition of dying,
180
00:07:33,715 --> 00:07:34,922
you can go ahead and read it.
181
00:07:35,060 --> 00:07:37,128
What if you had a
really throaty cough?
182
00:07:38,405 --> 00:07:40,059
Come on, let's go.
183
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,345
It's important that you're dying,
that you're not going to recover
184
00:07:42,369 --> 00:07:44,809
'cause if you recover, then
I'll have to write another letter.
185
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:46,851
Of course, if it's an
unexpected death,
186
00:07:46,989 --> 00:07:49,589
like getting hit by a bus or a
flash flood, then I can't help you.
187
00:07:55,885 --> 00:07:57,101
What are you
doing? Writing a letter.
188
00:07:57,125 --> 00:07:59,022
Oh, isn't that sweet.
189
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,539
Thank you. I was going
to write you one too.
190
00:08:01,677 --> 00:08:03,055
Oh, actually it's to Ira.
191
00:08:04,573 --> 00:08:06,159
He wrote me one to
read when he's dead
192
00:08:06,297 --> 00:08:08,021
so I feel like I should
write him one, too.
193
00:08:08,159 --> 00:08:10,193
No, that's fine. I understand.
194
00:08:10,331 --> 00:08:11,754
So, what does it say?
195
00:08:11,778 --> 00:08:13,675
It says it's kinda private.
196
00:08:13,813 --> 00:08:17,295
I understand. Sometimes you have
to keep things from your soulmate.
197
00:08:18,709 --> 00:08:20,984
Listen, lying by
omission in this way
198
00:08:21,122 --> 00:08:23,363
can be the backbone
of a healthy relationship.
199
00:08:24,191 --> 00:08:25,536
Listen, I...
200
00:08:25,674 --> 00:08:26,949
Kidding. It's fine.
201
00:08:27,087 --> 00:08:28,191
Good.
202
00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:30,362
What does it say?
203
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,155
Deb...
204
00:08:32,293 --> 00:08:33,913
No, I... I'm
kidding. I'm kidding.
205
00:08:34,051 --> 00:08:37,465
I know you'd show it to me
if I really wanted to see it.
206
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,498
I know that there are no thoughts
that you'd not share with me.
207
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:45,774
Let me see it.
208
00:08:45,911 --> 00:08:47,015
No.
209
00:08:48,188 --> 00:08:50,394
"Dear Ira, just
between you and me
210
00:08:50,532 --> 00:08:53,083
now that I'm gone, it
can't hurt to tell you, Ira,
211
00:08:53,221 --> 00:08:55,117
that every once in a while
212
00:08:55,256 --> 00:08:57,462
I would look over you
and think to myself,
213
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,220
"Gee, in another time in
another place, in another life,
214
00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:04,013
you never know."
215
00:09:10,218 --> 00:09:12,011
Are you kidding me?
216
00:09:12,149 --> 00:09:14,494
Oh, please. Don't even
waste your time being jealous.
217
00:09:14,631 --> 00:09:16,562
Oh, no, no, not jealous, no.
218
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:19,079
No, flabbergasted at
the scope of your taste.
219
00:09:19,217 --> 00:09:21,113
But jealous...
220
00:09:27,182 --> 00:09:29,595
All right. Here we go.
221
00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:33,939
"Dear Mabel,
222
00:09:34,077 --> 00:09:36,215
"When did you
get to be a beauty?
223
00:09:36,352 --> 00:09:38,180
"When did you
grow up to be so tall?
224
00:09:43,731 --> 00:09:45,834
"Wasn't it yesterday
that you were small?"
225
00:09:47,662 --> 00:09:48,942
Honey, can you
help me with this?
226
00:09:51,212 --> 00:09:52,532
And then, could
you do the hustle?
227
00:09:58,108 --> 00:09:59,729
All right, it's the
only shirt I had.
228
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,222
I'm going to the
cleaners, I swear.
229
00:10:01,246 --> 00:10:03,521
Listen, listen to her.
230
00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:09,934
Excuse me.
231
00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:15,392
Are you writing a second letter?
232
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:16,553
Uh-huh.
233
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,771
Just from the gurgling now?
234
00:10:17,864 --> 00:10:19,553
Uh-huh.
235
00:10:19,691 --> 00:10:22,243
I mean, all right, that is
really rubbing my nose in it.
236
00:10:22,381 --> 00:10:23,932
Not only can I
get a letter going,
237
00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:25,932
my failure seems to inspire you.
238
00:10:27,621 --> 00:10:30,034
Hi, I couldn't resist. I got
you a snuggly. Snuggly?
239
00:10:30,173 --> 00:10:31,379
Thank you.
240
00:10:31,517 --> 00:10:33,117
I don't know if it
will fit so try it on.
241
00:10:33,206 --> 00:10:34,724
How can it not
fit? I don't know.
242
00:10:34,861 --> 00:10:36,871
But read the directions, it's very
important that you read the directions.
243
00:10:36,895 --> 00:10:38,378
I don't have to
read the directions.
244
00:10:38,516 --> 00:10:40,481
These things are done
by engineering students
245
00:10:40,619 --> 00:10:42,032
after years of study.
246
00:10:42,171 --> 00:10:44,077
You don't put it on without
reading the directions.
247
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,205
Honey, read the directions.
248
00:10:45,342 --> 00:10:46,446
Okay, this is not right.
249
00:10:47,997 --> 00:10:49,317
I told you to read
the directions.
250
00:10:49,446 --> 00:10:51,479
If you were smart,
you'd read the directions.
251
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,134
Okay, could you
sound more like ma?
252
00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:55,754
Why?
253
00:11:00,271 --> 00:11:02,168
Here's a crazy idea.
254
00:11:02,306 --> 00:11:04,764
How would you like to come down and
record mom's voice for ten seconds today?
255
00:11:04,788 --> 00:11:06,201
Really?
256
00:11:06,339 --> 00:11:08,108
Yeah, because you do it
great and if I got to go through it
257
00:11:08,132 --> 00:11:10,453
with her again, I'm going to end
up crying in a pile of my own dirt.
258
00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:11,925
All right.
259
00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:13,200
Bless you. DEBBIE: Great.
260
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:14,580
Hi. JAMIE: Hey.
261
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:15,820
How's it going?
262
00:11:15,958 --> 00:11:17,648
Well, if it isn't Mr. Love.
263
00:11:22,095 --> 00:11:23,165
I'm sorry?
264
00:11:24,061 --> 00:11:25,165
Nothing, forget it.
265
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:27,198
Forget it? What,
forget Mr. Love?
266
00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:28,696
No, I shouldn't
have said anything.
267
00:11:28,785 --> 00:11:31,025
About what? Stop it.
Joan's gonna kill me.
268
00:11:31,164 --> 00:11:32,991
Joan? Oh, Jesus.
269
00:11:33,129 --> 00:11:36,680
Come on, Debbie. You gotta
tell me. Mr. Love is begging you.
270
00:11:36,817 --> 00:11:39,472
All right. But you forget
this the instant you hear it.
271
00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:40,714
I forgot already.
272
00:11:40,852 --> 00:11:43,816
All right. Last night,
Joan admitted to me,
273
00:11:44,609 --> 00:11:46,713
that sometimes,
274
00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:49,988
she fantasizes...
275
00:11:51,437 --> 00:11:53,746
sometimes, she
fantasizes sleeping...
276
00:11:55,229 --> 00:11:56,989
Sleeping? What she
fantasizes about sleeping?
277
00:11:57,021 --> 00:11:58,229
Sleeping with Ira.
278
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:02,297
Wow. Wow.
279
00:12:02,435 --> 00:12:04,469
Wow. Joan?
280
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:07,813
Joan you mean, for all intents
and purposes, your wife, Joan?
281
00:12:07,951 --> 00:12:09,641
You'll take this
to your grave, Ira.
282
00:12:09,779 --> 00:12:11,019
Absolutely, I will.
283
00:12:11,158 --> 00:12:12,296
Thank you. Wow.
284
00:12:12,434 --> 00:12:14,154
Anyway, listen. It'll
only take ten minutes.
285
00:12:14,226 --> 00:12:15,709
Just come down, you know.
286
00:12:15,847 --> 00:12:17,167
What do you think to be the
best time, Ira, about 12:00?
287
00:12:17,191 --> 00:12:19,915
♪ Me and Mrs. Joan
288
00:12:20,053 --> 00:12:21,122
Stop that.
289
00:12:21,259 --> 00:12:24,741
♪ We got a thing going on.
290
00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:27,156
♪ We both know that its wrong
291
00:12:27,293 --> 00:12:28,933
You see what you
started with the letters?
292
00:12:42,843 --> 00:12:45,567
I wonder what kind of
fantasy Joan has about me.
293
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:48,049
Is it slow and sexy like
294
00:12:48,187 --> 00:12:50,048
nine and a half weeks
with the ice cubes?
295
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,392
Or is it sweet, like Lady and
The Tramp with the spaghetti?
296
00:12:56,806 --> 00:12:59,047
Have you not had
relations in, like, 18 years?
297
00:13:01,495 --> 00:13:04,215
You wear a shirt like that you're
not allowed to make fun of anybody.
298
00:13:05,804 --> 00:13:08,253
Let me tell you
something, Justus, okay?
299
00:13:08,390 --> 00:13:11,356
A lot of ladies have said
a lot of things about me.
300
00:13:11,494 --> 00:13:14,572
But nobody from the other camp has
ever admitted to having a fantasy about me.
301
00:13:14,596 --> 00:13:17,871
Now, that... that
is truly, truly sexy.
302
00:13:19,355 --> 00:13:21,009
All right, here we
go. We're ready.
303
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,561
"Dear Mabel,
304
00:13:38,179 --> 00:13:40,019
You're gonna eat that
or you're gonna marry it?
305
00:13:41,214 --> 00:13:43,006
I happen to love it.
306
00:13:43,145 --> 00:13:45,105
All right, now I gotta go
get me something to eat.
307
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,109
Hey. Give me a minute.
308
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:49,007
You want a sandwich or
something? Yeah, sure.
309
00:13:49,798 --> 00:13:50,902
Hey, Ira.
310
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,246
Hi Deb. How you doing, listen,
311
00:13:53,384 --> 00:13:55,004
before we begin,
312
00:13:55,143 --> 00:13:56,659
I just want to say, that I...
313
00:13:56,797 --> 00:13:59,014
I hope there's no hard feelings
about this whole Joan thing.
314
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,900
Oh, don't be silly.
Where do I go? In here?
315
00:14:01,038 --> 00:14:02,382
Oh, Deb, wait a minute.
316
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,120
We're a family. We
can work this through.
317
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,830
Ira, it's nothing. I've got
about three minutes to do this.
318
00:14:06,968 --> 00:14:07,968
You want to sit down?
319
00:14:08,106 --> 00:14:10,141
Here? Thank you. Yeah, good.
320
00:14:10,278 --> 00:14:12,450
Look, remember...
321
00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:15,243
remember that I'm saying this to
you as someone who loves you.
322
00:14:15,381 --> 00:14:17,218
This is really cool.
What, do I talk into here?
323
00:14:17,242 --> 00:14:19,311
Debbie, come on, we can't
hide behind nervous talk.
324
00:14:19,449 --> 00:14:21,586
Why don't we just
face the truth, huh?
325
00:14:21,724 --> 00:14:24,621
I mean, you and I, we do
have a great deal in common.
326
00:14:24,759 --> 00:14:29,620
Not the least of which are the
affections of a certain lovely, lanky
327
00:14:29,758 --> 00:14:31,585
albeit Jew hen, by
the name of Joan.
328
00:14:31,723 --> 00:14:34,413
Oh, for God's sake. I know,
I know this is difficult for you.
329
00:14:34,551 --> 00:14:38,343
I do, but believe me none of this
was intentional on my part, I mean.
330
00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:41,446
You have to understand,
with me, sometimes
331
00:14:41,584 --> 00:14:44,411
sometimes, chicks,
they do nutty stuff.
332
00:14:44,549 --> 00:14:49,135
You know! And it is my fondest
hope... My fondest hope that
333
00:14:49,273 --> 00:14:51,996
somehow this whole thing
will bring us closer together.
334
00:14:52,134 --> 00:14:53,134
Okay, Ira.
335
00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:57,478
Okay, good.
336
00:14:57,616 --> 00:15:00,098
It is like the greatest single
thing I ever heard from a chick.
337
00:15:00,236 --> 00:15:01,512
All right. Enough.
338
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,029
Oh, come on, think about it.
339
00:15:06,787 --> 00:15:08,752
You told him?
340
00:15:08,890 --> 00:15:11,211
If you'd have been there,
you'd have got a big kick out of it.
341
00:15:11,235 --> 00:15:12,372
What did he do? Nothing.
342
00:15:12,510 --> 00:15:13,855
What did he do?
343
00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:17,061
He set out on an ego
trip of mythic proportions.
344
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,544
Oh, Lord...
345
00:15:19,682 --> 00:15:21,613
I've got to go... I've
got to go and talk to him.
346
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:24,612
How am I ever going to
look him in the eye again?
347
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:26,190
I don't know but
I can tell you this,
348
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,474
it'll be winking at you.
349
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:35,886
What?
350
00:15:36,024 --> 00:15:38,504
The point is Ingrid Bergman
can't push her own elevator button?
351
00:15:40,024 --> 00:15:41,575
What? The point is,
352
00:15:41,713 --> 00:15:44,092
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button?
353
00:15:45,127 --> 00:15:46,505
What? The point is,
354
00:15:46,643 --> 00:15:48,815
Ingrid Bergman can't push
her own elevator button.
355
00:15:53,194 --> 00:15:54,435
Perfect.
356
00:15:54,573 --> 00:15:56,194
Great.
357
00:15:56,332 --> 00:15:58,852
Sadly, you and I can never have
sex again, but that was perfect.
358
00:16:02,124 --> 00:16:03,951
Nice job, you.
359
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:06,330
On one hand, Joan is
a woman who likes me.
360
00:16:06,468 --> 00:16:09,088
On the other hand, she's a
lesbian who lives with my cousin.
361
00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:10,743
Is he serious?
362
00:16:10,881 --> 00:16:12,168
Just ignore him.
He'll talk himself out.
363
00:16:12,192 --> 00:16:14,398
Hey, if Joan wants me
who am I to play God?
364
00:16:14,536 --> 00:16:17,052
Maybe I should make
myself available to her.
365
00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:19,604
Ira? Yeah.
366
00:16:19,742 --> 00:16:21,224
No, no, no.
367
00:16:21,362 --> 00:16:23,362
You understand me? No.
368
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:25,259
Banish the thought
from your mind.
369
00:16:25,913 --> 00:16:27,017
Okay.
370
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,292
First of all, you have no shot.
371
00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:30,947
Yes, I do. No, you don't.
372
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:32,843
No.
373
00:16:32,981 --> 00:16:34,878
And second of all,
even if you did, no.
374
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:37,808
Okay, fine. No, no, no. Ira.
375
00:16:38,153 --> 00:16:41,808
No.
376
00:16:43,187 --> 00:16:47,393
No.
377
00:16:47,531 --> 00:16:48,978
Okay.
378
00:16:52,702 --> 00:16:54,702
♪ Joan, Mrs. Joan... ♪
379
00:16:59,529 --> 00:17:00,632
Hi, Joan.
380
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,631
So, so you heard
about my letter?
381
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,493
Yeah, yeah.
382
00:17:09,631 --> 00:17:12,390
It's okay, you know. I've
kind of always known.
383
00:17:14,354 --> 00:17:18,423
Uh, you weren't supposed to
read it until I was dead, you know.
384
00:17:18,561 --> 00:17:20,388
I know.
385
00:17:20,526 --> 00:17:23,191
So, I mean we both know the difference
between something serious and just a
386
00:17:23,215 --> 00:17:24,353
harmless little flirtation.
387
00:17:24,491 --> 00:17:25,628
Of course.
388
00:17:25,766 --> 00:17:27,432
Okay. I just... I just
wanted to make sure.
389
00:17:27,456 --> 00:17:29,294
I just don't want there to be
any weirdness between us.
390
00:17:29,318 --> 00:17:30,628
Hey. Not a drop.
391
00:17:30,766 --> 00:17:31,903
Good.
392
00:17:32,041 --> 00:17:34,455
So, we're cool?
Joan, don't be silly.
393
00:17:34,593 --> 00:17:36,420
Joan, we're both
mature individuals.
394
00:17:36,558 --> 00:17:38,213
We're practically
related, for God's sake.
395
00:17:38,351 --> 00:17:41,179
I mean, for all of us,
there's a line, you know,
396
00:17:41,316 --> 00:17:43,419
You just... you really shouldn't
397
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,556
you shouldn't cross.
398
00:17:46,694 --> 00:17:48,315
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
399
00:17:48,453 --> 00:17:50,108
Ira, Ira, get off me, Ira!
400
00:17:50,246 --> 00:17:51,762
You're not dreaming, Joan.
401
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:54,108
You're not dreaming.
This is not a fantasy.
402
00:17:54,246 --> 00:17:55,797
I can make your
dreams come true.
403
00:17:55,935 --> 00:17:58,314
I'm telling you. Get off me!
404
00:18:08,898 --> 00:18:10,036
So, we're cool?
405
00:18:20,827 --> 00:18:22,862
Okay, honey, remember
this is from Daddy, okay.
406
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,182
This is not from
Mommy and Daddy.
407
00:18:24,206 --> 00:18:26,688
This is just from Daddy.
408
00:18:26,826 --> 00:18:29,172
What's that? That's
my letter to Mabel.
409
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,619
When did you do that?
410
00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:32,516
At work, after you left.
411
00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:35,240
Pretty heavy letter. Uh-huh.
412
00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,377
Can I see it?
413
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:37,756
Uh, no.
414
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:40,790
I'm saying no like
a trooper now, huh?
415
00:18:42,273 --> 00:18:43,341
Here, you know what...
416
00:18:43,479 --> 00:18:45,652
I got it, sweety. I
got it. Ready to go.
417
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:47,582
Bye. Where are you going?
418
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,834
We're gonna... we're going to the
bank to put this in the safe deposit box.
419
00:18:49,858 --> 00:18:51,454
Oh, don't go to the
bank, it's such a nice day
420
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:53,340
and I'm going tomorrow anyway.
421
00:18:53,478 --> 00:18:55,822
Okay. Good. You know what?
422
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,493
I'm gonna go outside
and parade my daughter's
423
00:18:57,517 --> 00:18:58,764
dangling legs to
the general public.
424
00:18:58,788 --> 00:18:59,788
Have fun.
425
00:18:59,925 --> 00:19:01,649
All right. See you. Come on.
426
00:19:01,787 --> 00:19:03,994
Remember, be very
careful not to kick
427
00:19:04,131 --> 00:19:06,924
because if Daddy
doubles over, nobody wins.
428
00:19:29,370 --> 00:19:30,990
Happy Birthday, Mabel.
429
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:34,265
You're 18 now and I
know what you're thinking.
430
00:19:34,403 --> 00:19:36,196
I was pretty cute with hair.
431
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:40,264
Well, though you're watching
this in the year 2000 and
432
00:19:40,402 --> 00:19:44,677
something, as I speak to you
today, you are still very small.
433
00:19:44,815 --> 00:19:46,505
You are truly like a little
434
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:49,987
you're very small.
435
00:19:50,125 --> 00:19:51,780
And so I wanted to
give you an overview
436
00:19:51,918 --> 00:19:55,020
of all the things that we'll
be doing together, you and I.
437
00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:59,468
So, I made this film for you and
I just put it together, you know.
438
00:19:59,606 --> 00:20:01,192
Like that.
439
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:05,536
Which, by the way, something I
don't think your mother can do.
440
00:20:05,674 --> 00:20:09,433
This is Yankee Stadium, well, you
won't believe how green it is there.
441
00:20:09,570 --> 00:20:13,259
This is Broadway, where we'll
be going to the theater, you and I.
442
00:20:13,397 --> 00:20:16,259
Not the one with the three
Xs on it. The other one.
443
00:20:16,397 --> 00:20:18,821
This is the Manhattan Bridge,
just as nice as the Brooklyn Bridge
444
00:20:18,845 --> 00:20:20,155
but without the crowds.
445
00:20:21,672 --> 00:20:23,809
These are the tulips
on Park Avenue.
446
00:20:23,947 --> 00:20:25,467
Look how I look the
same in every shot.
447
00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,223
This, I think is my thumb.
448
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,223
As I said, I did this very fast.
449
00:20:30,361 --> 00:20:32,922
This is a restaurant that I'm hoping
to God will be open in 18 years
450
00:20:32,946 --> 00:20:35,532
because they make
a lamb sandwich
451
00:20:35,670 --> 00:20:37,669
crusty on the outside,
juicy on the inside.
452
00:20:37,807 --> 00:20:39,497
Believe me, you're
gonna thank me.
453
00:20:39,635 --> 00:20:42,462
This is the river. You know
Manhattan is an island, right?
454
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,634
We'll get us some
ducks at Yun-Fat's.
455
00:20:44,772 --> 00:20:47,092
Then, while we're in the
neighborhood, get a couple of cannolis.
456
00:20:47,116 --> 00:20:50,323
And then to top it off, couple
of laps around the lake.
457
00:20:50,461 --> 00:20:52,391
So, as you can see
by the time you're 18,
458
00:20:52,529 --> 00:20:55,633
you're gonna think
I am just swell.
459
00:20:55,770 --> 00:20:59,356
But the best present I can
ever give you is right here.
460
00:20:59,494 --> 00:21:01,839
This nice lady.
461
00:21:01,976 --> 00:21:04,941
I discovered her. I conned
her into marrying me
462
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,700
and subsequently
made her your mom.
463
00:21:07,838 --> 00:21:09,998
And I am sure for your 18th
birthday, you were thinking
464
00:21:10,079 --> 00:21:12,837
you were gonna get one of those
flying cars all the kids are driving.
465
00:21:12,975 --> 00:21:15,432
But today, like everyday,
I'm giving you the
466
00:21:15,456 --> 00:21:17,767
best gift that I could
possibly think of.
467
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,422
Your mom.
468
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,973
And to your mom, who I am
sure, put the tape into the machine
469
00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:25,662
six seconds after I
walked out the door,
470
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,799
I'm gonna stop and pick up the
shirts because I... I can't live like this.
471
00:21:30,179 --> 00:21:31,283
Love you.
472
00:21:41,626 --> 00:21:43,901
Your mom.
473
00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:46,359
And to your mom, who I am
sure, put the tape into the machine
474
00:21:46,383 --> 00:21:48,625
six seconds after I
walked out the door,
475
00:21:48,763 --> 00:21:53,107
I'm gonna stop and pick up the
shirts because I... I can't live like this.
476
00:21:53,555 --> 00:21:54,658
Love you.
477
00:21:59,657 --> 00:22:02,932
So, in other words, letters and
video tapes are my birthday present,
478
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:05,243
but flying car, not so much.
479
00:22:08,277 --> 00:22:10,173
All right. Very good.
35362
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